Our story begins in the land
of broken dreams, not so long ago.
A time of great division and technological sorcery.
But not all hope was lost...
For some times, the most beautiful flowers
grow in the biggest piles of shit.
We're so lucky to have found each other.
Luck had nothing to do with it.
- To the great horned god. - And our dear mother goddess.
My name's Thorn and I'm a witch.
A real witch.
I'm not evil, I don't sacrifice children,
and the only time I ever participated
in group sex was in college. Which, made me
so uncomfortable I couldn't even get a boner.
This is my life partner Willow.
She's a registered nurse
living out her dream to help others.
She supports my dreams to, which is what gave me
the courage to toss my hat into the ring of
the highly competitive bird bath industry.
And this was the calm before the storm.
Before my past finally caught up with me.
We should burn some sage.
Have you given any more thought?
It's not me, right?
Am I the reason you don't want to have a family?
Sweetheart, we already have a family.
Stay here.
What's going on? For a second, I thought
you were one of those kids from the catholic boys' school
lighting another bag of shit on fire.
We're all fucked up over relationship issues.
We need guidance and healing before
the Beltane celebration tomorrow.
We didn't know who else to go to.
This is my coven.
We recently decided to simplify our lives
by color coordinating and mostly wear black.
Not to look scary, but because it flatters every skin tone.
Desmond's a tow-truck driver.
He's got a heart of gold, and a passion for European cinema.
Especially the work of Juliette Binoche.
Neptune's a US postal worker who loves potato vodka,
sports betting, cold cut sandwiches,
and has a spoiler on his car that's so big he can't drive.
Desmond and Neptune met four years ago at an impound lot.
What started as a heated altercation evolved
into a spirited love affair.
Alright, boys. How can we help?
Well, we were at Saints & Sinners the other night,
and he... I caught him looking at a girl's ass.
- I -okay... - It wasn't the first time.
I was looking at the flared lace pants
- she was wearing. - Uh huh.
Okay, I wasn't checking her physical form.
Just be honest. Okay? With me.
Be honest. Are you even gay?
You've been fucking me in the ass for the past year.
Does that sound like something a straight person
- would let someone else do? - I don't know if you're
just thinking of a blonde with big tits?
While I'm being fucked in the ass?
Boys, calm down. Human sexuality's a complex thing.
And there is definitely a spectrum.
I've known Desmond for years, however.
We even shared an apartment together after college,
and I feel confident in saying that he is incredibly gay.
Yeah. I'm probably even gayer than you.
- I doubt it. - This isn't a pissing contest.
It's not so important
where either of you fall on the spectrum.
What's important is that you're both in love.
Are you both in love?
I love him with all my heart and soul.
I think that he's uneasy about the fact
that his last boyfriend left him for a woman.
Draw your ex-boyfriend.
It's time to rid yourself of
all that jealousy and resentment.
Repeat after me: "I release you."
- I release you. - Okay.
- I release you. - I release you.
- Keep saying it.
- I release you. - Let it out.
I release you!
I haven't been fair to you.
And I'll try harder.
You know, it actually means a lot to me
to find out that I'm more to you than just a hole.
You're so much more than a hole.
You're my whole world.
Percival works at a camping goods store.
He's an amateur welder, expert in the art of tying knots,
and has an unhealthy distrust of government institutions
ever since catching his middle school class
treasurer misappropriating funds.
Rowena's a popular witch on social media
known for her herbal medicine workshops and potion sprays.
When she's not preparing remedies, she's doting over
her two rescue kittens, Mortar and Pestle.
Percival met Rowena by sliding into her DMs
to inquire about a salve for a butt fungus
he contracted at the Edwardian ball.
They've been inseparable ever since.
I'm do self-conscience about the way I look.
I can't bear to have sex with someone
as beautiful as my wife.
Past few months, hideous has been my key word
search on PornHub.
Don't get me wrong, I still love my crystal dildos.
Still working with the rose quartz?
- I switched to amethyst. - Hm.
But, I miss having that connection with my partner.
He's lost in his own head.
Can't you just gain like 20 pounds?
If you can't accept me the way that I am,
what are we even doing in a relationship?
Percival, you just need to learn to love
yourself as much as Rowena loves you.
I know that you are hurting, but it is selfish to
take your insecurities out on your partner.
I'm sorry, baby.
I'll be better for you.
What a beautiful verbal expression of love.
Go home, and express that same kind of love with your penis.
Angus owns a brewery chain that
caters to the local collegiate crowd.
Last year, he was arrested for directing
traffic with two baguettes he found in a dumpster.
Echo's a freelance writer with a social justice slant.
She's not afraid to share her opinions, which rubs some
people the wrong way, but she's usually right.
Angus and Echo met at a diner where she warned him
about ordering fish on Mondays
and he replied, "Mind your business."
45 minutes later, she kindly drove him to emergency care.
Last month, Angus brought a dog home.
He knows I'm a cat person.
But what really gets under my skin is
he named the dog Women's Rights.
Forgive me for naming our dog after something
that I am very passionate about.
I just don't know why you have to put a negative
- spin on everything. - Says the guy walking
Women's Rights around on a leash.
My intentions were pure.
Your intentions might be pure, but they're entirely misguided.
Thank you.
Since the dog belongs to both of you,
it is only right that you both should agree on the name.
But think about that poor animal,
and all this conflict is probably making him anxious.
The way that I see it, neither of you is truly suffering.
The real victim here is Women's Rights.
I'm sorry.
I should have put more thought into this.
I just wanted you to see how progressive
I've become so you would be more attracted to me.
Well, let's pick a name
that makes sense for both of us.
Maybe something a little less
politically charged like Merlin.
Babe, that is my favorite fucking wizard.
I know he is, babe.
I love it. And I love you.
See how easy that was?
It's all about communication.
You two are miracle workers.
I don't know how to thank you enough.
We did nothing other than provide you two
with a platform to express yourselves.
He totally stole that from me, by the way.
What?
Merlin's my favorite fucking wizard.
It's so cute how much the coven seems to admire you.
We're a team, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Not too shabby for a couple of outcasts
living life on the fringe.
Just think, someday...
we'll have a little pariah of our own.
I'm sorry, darling, I just... you're killing
the mood, and I hate to waste a perfectly full moon.
It's always about sex magic with you.
Not always.
Sometimes it's about pleasure.
Good morning.
- Any new purchase orders? - No, not yet.
Don't worry. Big bird batch may be out to crush the little guy.
This season they got another thing coming.
Happy Beltane, baby.
Covens celebrate the holiday
in unique and special ways.
These are our traditions.
You're sure I can't convince you
to let me let a bonfire tonight?
Every time you do this, someone has a few too many
glasses of fruit wine and fancies himself a fire jumper.
Angus assured you it won't happen again.
He's learned his lesson.
Out of the question, but I love you.
It just doesn't feel like Beltane without a big bonfire.
You want to fire? Light a candle.
Happy Beltane, motherfuckers.
We're not having a big fire this year.
- Why? - Do you even have to ask?
I'm not trying to be a buzz kill,
I just want to have one Beltane celebration
that doesn't involve a trip to the hospital.
What on Earth are they doing?
I think they're making a statement.
I told the boys, no bonfire this year.
God's love 'em.
If only their brains were as big as their hearts.
Hey, guys.
Hey!
For your kindness last night.
It's fully functional and battle ready,
Percival sharpened it this morning.
Thorn's been in the market for a new sword.
Your generosity knows no bounds.
We have some mead and fruit wine in the kitchen.
None for me, thanks.
I'll drink for us both. Percival, wine me.
Happy Beltane.
God of Sun, fire in the sky.
Light this earth and warm the nights.
Warm our spirits, hearts and hands.
Shed some light upon this land.
In the spirit of fertility,
I have an announcement I'd like to make.
I am with child.
Percival and I are going to be parents.
How did you get pregnant without having sex?
Oh, we scraped all the cum off the laptop keyboard
right after and mix it with some geranium oil
and fennel seed, and what do you know? It took.
Congratulations.
Tonight, we drink to Rowena.
Gift of new life.
Did you bring your beer bong?
Does a bear shit in the woods?
Oh! I always said you had child birthing hips.
- Look at them. - And I said it's made me
very uncomfortable every time you said it.
What are you doing admiring her hips?
I'm admiring her hips. That's it.
- Just admiring them. - This is great.
Oh, are you going to eat the placenta?
- Obvi. - What are you doing?
- He does this every night. - Mhmm.
Have you talked about it?
You can't talk to someone who's on the floor.
You can't.
Hi!
We love you guys together, you know that, right?
You guys are going to be amazing parents.
Yeah. Oh, so kind of you to say.
But seriously, if your child wants to be a snake miller,
you have to encourage that dream.
- You promise? - Yes, of course.
Because if I had supportive parents, I would be in a
fucking serpentarium milking a snake as we speak.
Okay. Okay.
He gets like this every single time he drinks.
I love 'em.
We're so delighted for you both.
And what better occasion
to make an announcement than Beltane?
Such a blessing.
Hopefully, this time next year,
we will be adding to the coven ourselves.
Let's go circle dance.
Thorn doesn't dance.
Not even at our hand fasting ceremony.
Come on, Thorn!
It's just dancing.
This was the Beltane to end all Beltanes, babe.
You've really outdone yourself.
What's the matter?
You need to stop pressuring me to conceive a child.
I know it comes from a place of love,
but I'm just not ready yet.
I understand. Really, I do, I don't...
I don't know what's gotten into me lately.
Have you been taking those male enhancement pills,
the ones from the gas station?
What the hell does that have to do with anything?
You come here acting like we're the freaks for loving nature,
promoting inclusivity and honoring women.
How many more reformation is it going to take
for you to leave us in peace?
We got a problem here?
You've got five seconds to get off my lawn before I cut you up
into communion wafers, get the fuck out of here.
See that?
That's what you get when you take the feminine
out of the divine.
People seem to hate us so much, sometimes.
I forget not to hate them in return.
I've been dealing with bullies all my life,
sometimes throwing their shit back
at them makes for a teachable moment.
And other times it creates more of a monster.
I leave it up to the fates.
Well, you certainly got creative threats
down to a fine art.
Thanks, honey.
I really admire the way you kind of just stood there.
Mr. Thornton Adams.
What are you doing on the couch?
Did we get into a fight I don't remember.
Who are you?
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Most likely to succeed.
Prom king.
Class president.
My very own life partner,
a member of the unholiest of trinities.
It's crazy.
How did you find out?
Forget how I found out. That's not what's important.
What's important is that you have been lying
to me for the past several years.
My little nonconformist, a member of what?
Student government.
And now.
For the rest of my life, I have to reconcile the fact
that the prom king put his penis inside me.
It makes me sick to my stomach.
Maybe you're pregnant.
I am not pregnant, Thornton.
I mean, Thorn. Such a badass name.
But, Thornton.
You might as well be a Jack.
Just tell me this,
and be completely fucking honest,
did you play sports?
Oh god.
Tell me it was squash or jai alai.
What was it? What sport did you play?
- Lacrosse. - No!
No! No! No!
Oh my god! I fucking hate you!
I think I might have overreacted.
It was not right of me to keep this a secret from you.
To betray everything I stand for and everything you deserve.
I've invested too much time
into this relationship just to throw it away
because my partner is the living embodiment
of everyone who made my youth a waking nightmare.
Just come clean. I want to know everything.
I was born in a pretty small town.
I was raised by a single mother.
I wanted to make her proud.
Dressed like she wanted, worshipped like she wanted.
Participate in extracurricular activities that look
good on a college resume.
Whatever it took to maintain the wholesome
image that she wanted.
Gross.
But deep down, I was questioning everything.
Sure, my Nautica shirts, and my 311 CDs says
all-American boy on the outside, but inside,
I was yearning.
For Victorian era frocks and Bauhaus records.
I'm sorry, you were forced to wear Nautica T-shirts.
It's unspeakable.
The only person who understood me was my grandma.
She had a stroke.
Hasn't been the same since.
There is a hole in my heart.
And that is when I stumbled upon my god.
I'd found my religion. I found my people.
And when I found you on All Hallows Eve,
casting the remains of a frozen turducken into a funeral pyre,
that's when I knew I'd finally found my person.
For a woman who prides herself on
being non-judgmental, I'm ashamed.
Don't be.
We're both guilty of the same thing.
We've been forced to feel like freaks
for so long that we've forgotten that the seemingly
well-adjusted need our support to.
Beneath cloaks of Ralph Lauren,
blood flows through their veins.
Just like the rest of.
I have a confession to make.
I RSVP'd to your high school reunion.
Come on, Thorn.
You've been in there for hours.
This is a sacred space, forming a protective
barrier from all who choose to hurt me.
You can't just enter a cone of power once it's been sealed,
there are strong energies at work here.
Grant me entry or I'm willing to take my chances.
You lost your goddamn mind.
I can't let you do that yourself.
Baby, I don't see what the big deal is.
We RSVP and don't go to things all the time.
That's not the issue.
You forced me to face my past,
and now I've got to deal with it.
What kind of hypocrite would I be, encouraging that coven to
confront their problems and not doing the same myself.
Did you read any of your e-mails?
- Hell no. - Well, as former
class president, you're required to perform
a dance to inspire school spirit.
You can barely spiral dance.
And that involves spinning in a circle.
Great horned god why have you forsaken me.
You can make a decision.
I just want you to have all the details.
Forget it. We're not going.
At least I won't have to see my mom.
You told me your mother is dead.
This is a conversation I would prefer to have
outside the Come of Power.
You don't have to go to your stupid reunion,
but I want to meet your mother.
I mean, for crying out loud, we're life partners.
Okay, fine.
Hello, son. Who's the broad?
She's not a broad, she's my wife and she's a priestess.
Well, thank you for taking time away
from worshipping Satan to reach out.
Thorne was thinking about coming back
to his high school reunion, and you came up and I just
wanted to tell you what a decent man you raised.
Thornton.
It's horrifying enough that I know what you've become.
Spare your former classmates the same humiliation.
People of this town were good to you.
Let them preserve their memories.
There's no reason they should know
their prom king's become a court jester.
What's it like to go through life so selfish
and not even know it?
Did you just call me selfish?
I work from home so that I can be here
to take care of your grandmother.
Why do you work from home? Oh, yeah, I remember.
It's because exposure to sunlight causes
you people to burst into flames.
- Sorry. - I'm sorry.
Now you kind of got to go to this reunion.
Thank you, Priestess.
Shall I present my mojo bag?
It's really brave of you to tell the group.
But it never hurts to have luck on your side.
I just need to take a few drops of blood.
Can I get in an anti-septic wipe?
- I think we're all out. - You know how important
it is to me to practice safe blood magic.
I think I saved last month's menstruation.
I just need a minute to remember where I put it.
I'm good with the herbs and crystals.
Your funeral.
I have a confession to make.
The man you see before
you once led a very different kind of life.
Can I get something to eat, man?
My blood sugar's just crashing.
Please, I'm trying... I'm trying to do a thing here.
Years ago, I was a high school student.
As many of you were.
Um, fuck.
Oh, god, um...
Only I... I was popular.
I love how you just assumed that we were
all losers in high school.
Yeah, back in the day, I was swimming in pussy.
We have been over this.
Don't use the P word, even as a cat alternative.
There's more senior year I was...
I was awarded the most likely
to succeed superlative.
Crowned Prom King, and I...
I participated in student government.
Fuck you, man.
I know that after preaching the virtues of
honesty and openness, I seem like a hypocrite.
I assure you that there's more to the story.
Thorn, I'm going to have to ask you to give me my sword back.
Fucking bureaucrats.
You know, it's not your past that I'm hurt by.
It's the way you seem to have reduced all Wiccans
to a bunch of marginalized outcasts.
I am a contributing writer for Popular Mechanics.
My husband runs a successful brewery chain.
You should have seen our former coven back
in Montana, it was all doctors and lawyers.
It's just this place is a shit show.
We had some good times brother from making mulled
cider to hand stitching our own faun pants out of mohair.
Let me tell you, there's no one
that I would rather attend to bacchanal with,
but this coven is built on a foundation of lies.
Seriously, is this really happening right now?
Desmond says the P word, Echo calls him out for it,
and none of you limp dicks stand up for her.
Is this the kind of world I'm supposed to bring a child into?
Hey, Desmond can say the word pussy if he wants to.
It's his First Amendment right.
He just can't fuck it.
Yeah, he can say it if he wants to sound like a pig.
Please, don't take your anger out on each other.
I understand why you've not wanted to have a child with me.
I'm just not dad material.
I'm leaving this place. I'm going on a walkabout.
My fate as a member of this coven rests in
your hands and I will accept whatever you decide.
I've already made up my mind.
Banish him. Banish him.
Banish him.
You're too old for a walkabout.
- You have weak ankles. - I know.
If they can't accept you, then we'll start out own coven.
A rival coven. Or we can kill them.
I like where your head's at.
We're just not wealthy enough to get away with it.
Let the coven reach their own conclusions.
It's the coven way.
A hag stone, for protection.
I'm terrible with goodbyes.
I think it's best you return to the coven.
Remember, stay hydrated.
Ugh.
Great goddess of day and night.
Protect my loved one with all your might.
You guys make me sick.
You bunch of fair-weathered fucks.
Doth poo not flow through your colons?
Where are you going, Angus?
I think you scared him.
Dear coven, you have every right to be angry.
None of you got into witchcraft to be different.
You got into it because it fills your souls.
Please forgive me for deceiving you
and misrepresenting myself based on false presumptions.
Farewell, Thorn.
P.S.: Remember to feed Lord Whiskers.
Which one of you jerks drank all of my ayahuasca?
You're stupid! You're a know-it-all!
You're too liberal! You're not liberal enough!
You're desperate for attention!
You're a hypocrite! You are too effeminate!
You're a closet-misogynist!
You are a liar!
You're scaring the campers!
I'm a work in progress!
Did you nab him yet?
Negative.
What's your 20? I'll send back-up.
Sweetheart, I am the best goddamn ranger
this park has ever seen.
If you send back up, it'll slow me down.
I will apprehend him in due time.
I'm afraid, new friend.
I'm afraid they're all going to make fun of me,
which sounds so juvenile.
I understand what you're going through.
During a storm, I fell from a tree.
Now here I am, a lowly pine cone
surrounded by all these beautiful herbs.
How do you deal?
I just keep to myself.
Fuck herbs.
They're just garnish.
Psst, hey! Never take advice from a pine cone.
Oh fuck you.
Listen to her,
acting as if she's the only one who's been displaced.
Ever heard of a little something called erosion?
That's nothing but an old oak's tale honey.
Conifers these days.
You've got no respect for your elders.
Hey, quit hitting the elements
so hard, you fuck.
Shut your goddamn scales.
If Pine Cone's so wrong, what's your advice?
True happiness comes from opening your heart
to the world. Not closing yourself off.
Get your own house in order before you go spreading seeds.
Yeah.
Ah! Fuck you, man.
Merlin?
You're me and my friend Angus' favorite fucking wizard.
I'm everyone's favorite fucking wizard.
I love you, man.
I love you, too, Thorn.
That's why it's been so hard to see you struggle.
There's a lot going on.
I know. I am Merlin.
I know everything.
And I'm here to help.
So, then you know that I have no idea how to dance.
And I'm about to embarrass myself
in front of all my former classmates.
You're coming at these things all wrong, Thorn.
Dance is self-expression.
There's no wrong way to do it.
I've seen you build those bird baths.
You're an artist just like me.
And I've also read all the comment sections
on your website.
The trick is keep making your art your way
without becoming bitter towards those
who don't appreciate it.
Remember. Everyone has a right to their own opinion.
So, pick a song that speaks to you.
Throw caution to the wind,
and most importantly, have fun.
Before you do the dance of fatherhood,
you must do the dance of life.
♪ Every shoe's a dancing shoe if you wan it to be ♪
Yeah! Yeah!
Merlin! Merlin!
Hands where I can see 'em!
You thought you could escape me that easily.
Do you know who I am, boy?
Kill the ego. Kill the ego. Kill the ego.
I am the most decorated ranger in this park.
I did not get to where I am by being loved.
Kill the ego. Kill the ego.
Fear, command, respect.
Kill the ego. Kill the ego.
Fear, command, respect.
Look at you, son. Quaking in your boots.
By the power of three, so mote it be!
Please don't be dead. Please don't be dead.
Please don't be dead.
Please don't be...
Ego's just an illusion. It was all in your head.
You're my rock.
As the stall door locks shut,
Thorn took his rightful place upon the porcelain throne
and rid himself of shame, insecurity,
and a few oatmeal raisin cookies.
He clenched his eyes,
journeyed through his subconscious mind
and harnessed the spiritual energy
to conquer his own worst enemy: himself.
And so began Thorn's personal renaissance,
a time of rebirth, renewal and acceptance.
Just so, you know, I didn't request a pool
or shared or whatever this is.
As if I did.
Do you have a favorite food?
Lasagna.
Yeah, I like lasagna too.
How old were you when you first tasted lasagna?
I was a kid.
I remember my first time, I was like 15,
maybe 16. It was at my friend Rory's birthday party.
His mom brought it out with a candle in it.
A candle in the lasagna?
- Yeah. - Okay.
Since there was a candle in it, I thought it would be sweet,
and I tasted it, and it was savory.
I looked at it kind of like as a metaphor, you know?
How?
Something can look one way, taste another way.
You see a candle in a round circle,
you think it's going to be sweet.
Savory.
Let's vote. How many of you are in favor
of Thorn remaining in the coven?
Raise your amulets.
Thank you.
All those in favor of banishing Thorn from the coven.
How can you turn your back on Thorn so easily?
You're behaving like teenagers on social media.
This is a witch hunt disguised as democracy.
Democracy?
Democracy is a fucking illusion.
A lot of you, you might not know this,
but Thorn was the first friend I made
after coming out of the closet.
And he didn't get laid for a year
because everyone thought he was gay by association.
Now, that might not seem like a lot in the big city,
but in the small town that we lived in, that...
that meant an awful lot.
So, Thorn is my brother, and I love him for who he is
just the same way he loves me.
So, I refuse to participate in this coven without them.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
I don't deserve you.
Come on. That's not true. Come on.
I'm a liar, Desmond.
And I've been struggling with a secret of my own.
I think I'm...
I'm straight. I think I'm straight, I'm...
I think I'm straight, I'm straight.
And um, all the accusations
I've just been projecting my own insecurities onto you.
That's usually how it works.
I deserved that. And you deserve better.
You deserve someone who loves you
for your hole, and your soul.
We're all great people doing our best.
But we're full of shit.
We all have poo in our butts.
Every last one of us.
I got some poo in my butt right now.
Wait, even Juliette Binoche has poo in her butt?
Even Juliette Binoche.
I'm sorry, if you expect me to believe
that Juliette Binoche has poo in her butt,
you're all out of your goddamn minds.
You know, now that I'm hearing it,
it seems like a stretch.
It does seem kind of wrong to presuppose
that Juliette Binoche has poo in her butt.
Being a Parisian national treasure doesn't
exclude anyone from having poo in their butts.
I think we just need to agree to disagree on this one.
Don't worry about it. I'm constipated.
Oh, you might have to let me out.
We all have poo in our butts,
and it's about time we started acting like it.
My darling Thorn, cursed with two left feet,
is about to come out of the broom closet
to his entire graduating class,
and I'll be damned if I let him do that without his family.
Who's with me?
Give me the keys. I'll drive.
Becoming your best self doesn't just happen overnight.
Hopefully, you can find it in your hearts
to spare me this last indignity.
Great horned god,
forgive me for what I'm about to do.
Oh!
How are you doing, brother?
Hold on. Hey, pal.
Can you put your arms up and out for me like an airplane?
I don't see you using a metal detector on anyone else.
It's nothing personal, man,
I just don't see anyone else dressed like Anton LaVey.
All right, you're good.
Thornton. But, I go by Thorn now.
- Thornton Adams? - That's me.
Dude, it's Nicholas Reed. You probably don't remember me.
I was heavy into Slipknot back then.
Of course I do. I just don't recognize you
without your signature green hair and JNCO's.
I didn't recognize you without your Abercrombie shorts
and a baseball cap.
- Dude, the tables have turned. - How's life? You happy?
Is anyone?
Same old Nicholas Reed.
Look, man, just because I appear presentable
doesn't mean I've stopped hating myself
or taking pleasure in watching the world burn.
You know, I'm not a total sellout.
So, you know, give some credit. How about yourself?
I'm more of a witch than an anarchist, but I dabble.
Well, good luck in there.
Good seeing you.
Thornton Adams?
Alexandra.
What happened to you?
I went searching for happiness and I found it.
And then I lost it again.
Well, sorry I asked.
I too am sorry. That you asked.
You know, as class president,
you really should have spearheaded this thing.
It took a lot of work
and you completely ignored my e-mails.
That was wrong of me and I'm sorry.
I really appreciate you taking charge.
Everyone does.
Maybe since you put so much hard work into tonight,
you'd like to perform the dance.
Not having to perform the dance
is the only perk of having lost to you
in the class presidential election by a landslide.
That was nothing more than a popularity contest.
You've always been a far more capable leader.
It's good to see you're still
the same smart driven woman at that.
That great eye for pantsuits that I remember.
Thanks for acknowledging that.
My pantsuits do mean a lot to me.
Going to be a tough crowd, but I'll be rooting for you.
Okay, everyone.
It's time to give a big rattlesnake
round of applause to our former class president,
Thornton Adams.
Many of you remember me as Thornton,
but these days I go by Thorn.
Because it's more evocative. And it sounds cooler.
That's Thorn. Not to be confused with "Torn",
the hit single from Natalie Imbruglia's
groundbreaking album "Left of the Middle".
A song that's as fresh and relevant today
as it was back in 1997.
A song that it deals with universalities
such as heartbreak, the loneliness of abandoned...
No one cares, bro.
Look at this fucking dingleberry.
Forgive me for blathering on.
I can't believe I'm so nervous.
Maybe I'm taking this a little too seriously.
I mean, it's just a dance, right?
It's tradition.
You all voted me most likely to succeed,
whether or not I've lived up to that superlative depends
entirely on how you measure success.
If it's about money, then I'm an abysmal failure.
I'm in the birdbath business,
peddling my wares on the online marketplace.
It's thankless work and the money's shit
but, birds too, deserve the confidence
and self-respect that comes from
placing an emphasis on good hygiene.
Jesus Christ, enough already. We get it.
Yeah, I don't even remember you, you fucking narcissist.
But if you define success as finding true love,
creating your own slightly less dysfunctional family,
and living life on your own terms,
then I'm the most successful guy on the planet.
I fucking love you, baby.
I fucking love you, too.
Hey!
If you've come to kill me,
I'd like to finish my speech first.
I've come to apologize.
It's yours.
No take backs.
Fear not, good people of Desert Dunes High.
The sword has been returned to its rightful owner.
What say you, we fucking party.
You did great.
Thank you.
I haven't been back for so long
because I've been afraid of what people would do
if they found out I was a witch. But I'm no longer afraid.
For that, I would like to thank my partner, Willow,
the wise old rock I met in Kenneth Hahn Park,
and Merlin, my favorite wizard.
Okay. Yeah, he's the one who drank my ayahuasca.
All that I ask is that you do not judge me
for my religious beliefs.
I know it's hard. Believe me.
I'm guilty of doing it myself.
It's cool, man. We've all got poo in our butts. All of us.
I'd like to wrap things up with a quote
from the great Roman orator, Symmachus.
"Does it matter what practical system we adopt
"in our search for the truth?
"The heart of so great a mystery,
"can not be answered by following one road only."
Safe to say we'll be skipping the 30 year reunion.
Also, if anyone would like to purchase a bird bath,
please reach out to the email,
scrying or come up to me after the dance.
Look, I'm sorry.
My friend Percival can really suck sometimes.
There we go.
It's fine, what doesn't suck these days?
Nothing. Nothing doesn't suck.
Sometimes, I just want to watch the world burn, you know?
Yeah.
24 hours a day, seven days a week.
I'm sure you've heard this before,
but you would exude a very powerful female energy.
Our coven could use a woman like you to restore balance.
Let me think about it.
Are you by any chance gay?
Well, I wasn't until now.
Yo, what the fuck, man?
Hey!
- Get out of here! - Hey, he's cool.
He's with me. I'm sorry. My bad.
You gotta teach me how to hog tie.
My pleasure.
Sorry.
I forgive you.
All right, everyone.
The time has come for what you've all been waiting for.
Can everyone please make some room for the dance?
Take it away, Maestro.
Forget everyone else, baby.
This mean I don't have to dance?
It means you can do whatever you want.
I did put in an awful lot of work into getting here.
Sometimes you've just got a dance for yourself.
What's going on?
That was the sexiest thing I've ever seen in my life.
Time to take your pill, Mom.
I love you.
At the end of the day, we're all hypocrites.
It's human nature. We all make mistakes.
Even Trent Reznor flirted with ska music
back in the early 80s.
But it's never too late to make amends.
Hey, Mom, it's Thorn.
I feel bad about leaving a flaming bag of shit
on your doorstep.
Just wondering if maybe you and grandma
would want to come over some time for some lasagna.
Willow, and I think that it's time
for a change around here.
As you all know, ego is the enemy of good leadership,
and while we have always had your best interests at heart,
we are ashamed to admit that our egos played a big part
in attracting us to positions of authority
in the first place.
We'd like to nominate a new high priestess
to take over all leadership moving forward. She's smart.
She's organized. She's got a fresh, new perspective.
And she has got one hell of an eye for pantsuits.
I'd be honored, but not unless the coven agrees.
Fuck it.
Yeah, fuck it, why not try something new?
To Alexandra!
Excuse us.
Look at those shoulders.
What if he's an athlete?
We'll love him just the same.
Should we get a diaper? Maybe he's got poo in his butt.
I don't smell anything.
Gods of our home, gods of our hearth.
Knight is a member of this family, and this is his home.
We ask you to welcome him.
We ask you to love him.
We ask you to protect him.
We ask you to bless him.