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[light dramatic music]
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I've actually lost a lot of
friends in music and comedy
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to substance abuse
and it, and it kills me, man,
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because you don't need
drugs. You really don't.
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I am living proof
that you can destroy
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your life completely
sober, guys, I am.
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[audience laughing]
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And I'm not trying to brag,
I just never let drugs
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and alcohol come between
me and failure, okay?
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It's mine, all right?
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I have achieved this on my own.
No help from drugs!
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[uplifting rock music]
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♪ The thought of you waiting ♪
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♪ For someone ♪
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♪ Turn your back
On this hating ♪
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♪ Turn your back
On this hating ♪
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♪ Before I forget
It took so long ♪
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♪ Turn your back
On this waiting ♪
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♪ Turn your back
On this waiting, yeah ♪
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I also took this
time during COVID
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and the social distancing
to come out the closet.
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I'm Black. Don't let
anyone ever
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make you feel like it's
a choice.
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- Yo.
- What's up, boss?
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Hey, uh, dude, I've been
trying to get up on stage
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for like a couple of months now.
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Do you think you can
like help me out?
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- Um...
- What you got, bro?
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Kind of embarrassing.
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- Two dollars?
- Yeah.
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What the fuck, man?
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Fuck it, you're on deck, man.
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- All right.
- Name?
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Arnold? Arnold Wilson.
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- Gotcha, bro.
- Thanks. I got... I'll... get you.
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Tip the fucking
bartender, bro.
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[light music]
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All right, everybody,
that was Philly Ricin.
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Give it up for Philly.
All right.
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Next up coming to the stage,
we have... big spender...
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Arnold Wilson! Give it up
for Arnold.
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[host clapping]
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Arnold Wilson, let's go!
[clapping]
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[host, quietly] Where the fuck
is this guy?
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Do you wanna go up?
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[light music]
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Hey, for
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- [both] Benjamin?
- Cool. Jinx.
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You from LA?
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From Dayton, Ohio.
Middle of nowhere.
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Kinda like if all the meth
in America got together and...
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created a town.
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[hisses]
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- You an actor?
- No. Uh...
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I actually moved
here to try to do comedy.
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You kind of look
like a comedian.
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[Arnold chuckles]
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Oh yeah, that's good.
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Oh, yeah, you want a bump?
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Uh... Nah, I...
I shouldn't, man. Um...
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Eh, fuck it. Why not?
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Line it up.
Let's fucking do this.
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[door opens]
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Two minutes!
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Piss in the bathroom
or outside, I don't give a shit!
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There's two fucking minutes!
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Oh, Rob. Good to see ya.
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[metal music]
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[explosion]
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I'm so sorry!
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I promise I'll pay you back
everything I owe you.
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I'm so sick of this.
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We were supposed to do shit
when we moved out here.
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I didn't come here to pay
your rent and bail you out.
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I pay rent; I want...
I want to pay rent.
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[sighs]
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Can you just listen?
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Last night was an accident.
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It's not like this
happens every da.
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Drunk driving when your only
source of income is driving
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- is not an accident.
- I didn't drink.
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In my car, nonetheless.
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Now your license is revoked.
What are you gonna do?
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Can you just relax and just
like stop being so emotional?
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- Fuck you, Arnold.
- What?
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Are you kidding?
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Hey! Hey, hey. Listen, I'm...
I'm sorry. Will you just listen?
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I'm sorry. I'll take my stuff
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and I'll take the van and I'll
go stay at a friend's.
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You need to stay here.
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You don't have any friends.
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Oh, okay.
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[applause]
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All right, thank you very much.
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I appreciate that, man.
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It's good to see you guys.
Great to be here doing comedy,
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mainly 'cause I spent the last
decade of my life
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playing in a bunch of bands that
have failed frickin' miserably!
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But it's all right.
I'm working through it.
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I just wish there
was a support group called
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Rockaholics Anonymous.
That way you can be like,
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"So, just completed step
four of my recovery."
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That's just where you have
to stop snorting lines of ants
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off of Sunset Boulevard...
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Step six is being funny.
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Yeah, and step six
is figuring out
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what fucking look it is
you're going for, man.
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You can't be fat and a hipster
at the same time.
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- Fuck you, lesbian.
- I might look like a lesbian,
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but it's a hell of a lot better
than that whole
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lumber-sexual thing
that you got going on, bro.
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It was 95 degrees
in Los Angeles today, okay?
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You've got a beard,
a flannel with skinny jeans.
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What, you want us to believe you're gonna
go chop wood in Silverlake after this,
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dressed as fucking
Paul Bunyan's gay stepson?
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- [laughing]
- They're laughing at you, yeah!
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Why don't you try
saying something to me
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- without a microphone, dick?
- Bro, hey, I'm just
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- trying to do my job, man.
- Hey, get the fuck
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- outta here dude.
- Oh my God.
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- Jesus Christ.
- The fuck is wrong with you,
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- you fuck?
- Dude, oh my God!
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- Fuck you, dude.
- Yeah. [laughs]
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Dude, it's a good
thing you're here.
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I didn't feel like
murdering somebody tonight.
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- [Arnold] Yeah.
- I can't afford to get arrested
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with my career peaking
like it is, you know?
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[chuckles] Maybe not
with the whole...
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lesbian Kevin Bacon thing you
got going on, but uh...
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That's pretty funny.
You got me on that, yeah.
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- [Arnold] Yeah.
- Yeah [laughs]
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Hey... You should try to get
on stage, man.
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You should do it. If you're
thinking about it, just do it.
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Yeah...
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I mean, sometimes... I do sign
up for open mics, but...
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Nah, I'm fucking chicken shit.
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Second my name gets called,
I run out of there. It's embarrassing.
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You're telling me
that you have no problem
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breaking up a fight between
two total strangers,
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but you're too afraid
to go on stage?
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So, uh... Where's your ride?
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I'm actually... uh, parked
down the street.
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I can give you a ride
over there.
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Nah, I'm good, man.
I'm cool to walk, yeah.
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It's no big deal,
I'll give you a ride.
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I'm not gonna try
to have sex with you.
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Jesus, what are you,
homeless or something?
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Dude, are you homeless?
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I'm... [sighs]
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Listen, can you just...
fuck off right now?
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- I just don't want to talk.
- Hey, it... It's nothing to worry about,
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- I can give you a ride.
- Dude, fuck off! Okay?
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- Okay.
- Fuck!
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Asshole.
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You don't fucking know me.
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[soft music]
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[bang]
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[engine hisses, rattles]
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[clanking]
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- [engine not starting]
- Fucking! [indistinct]
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Fucking stupid...
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[grunts]
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Fuck!
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[loudly knocking]
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Fuck, all right!
One knock is enough.
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[man] Look, buddy, there's
no sleeping out here.
168
00:08:08,914 --> 00:08:10,549
I've got landlords...
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- Oh, fuck.
- Holy shit!
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Rapey van guy!
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Oh my God, kicking you
out of here is
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- definitely going in my spank bank tonight.
- All right.
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- Man, I'm sorry about last night.
- You should be.
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Yeah, it was my
fault, I know that.
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But my van broke down
and I had nowhere to go.
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Tough shit, asshole.
Beat it.
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Hey man, you think I really
want to be
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parked next to this fucking
shithole?
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This is a place of business.
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Fuck! We have a restroom!
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Griff, we are right next
to a 7-Eleven for Christ's sake.
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Show some damn respect!
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You! Get the fuck out of here!
Right now. God dammit!
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Hey, man. I don't have anywhere
to fucking go.
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Can you fuck off
somewhere else?
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Runnin' a business here.
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[muffled metal music]
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Fuck.
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All right, you guys ready
to get this open mic going?
190
00:08:59,765 --> 00:09:01,934
Yes, that's what
I'm talkin' about.
191
00:09:01,967 --> 00:09:05,938
Explosion! Oh my God,
it's good to be here.
192
00:09:05,971 --> 00:09:07,406
It's good to see you guys, man.
193
00:09:07,439 --> 00:09:08,574
- [audience member] Yeah!
- Yes,
194
00:09:08,607 --> 00:09:09,909
that's what I'm talking about.
195
00:09:09,942 --> 00:09:11,443
Thank you, let's do... Ah, man,
196
00:09:11,477 --> 00:09:13,479
it's so good to be out
here in North Hollywood, man.
197
00:09:13,512 --> 00:09:15,347
Love North Hollywood.
Not as sexy
198
00:09:15,381 --> 00:09:17,082
as the rest of Los Angeles.
199
00:09:17,116 --> 00:09:18,817
You want to talk
to some hot girls?
200
00:09:18,851 --> 00:09:21,620
Not happening! No hot chicks!
201
00:09:21,655 --> 00:09:23,956
But you want to get
your tires rotated,
202
00:09:23,989 --> 00:09:26,492
we got 75 different
places to choose from,
203
00:09:26,525 --> 00:09:28,928
right here on this
street alone, okay?
204
00:09:28,961 --> 00:09:30,664
You want to meet
some famous people?
205
00:09:30,696 --> 00:09:34,800
Not happening! No famous
people, man. None whatsoever.
206
00:09:34,833 --> 00:09:36,535
But you wanna trade
your car for scrap metal,
207
00:09:36,569 --> 00:09:39,838
we got 175 different
places to choose from
208
00:09:39,872 --> 00:09:42,341
within a two-block
radius. It's beautiful.
209
00:09:42,374 --> 00:09:44,476
Aw man, you want to
get some good food?
210
00:09:44,510 --> 00:09:47,346
- Actually we do have some good food out here. We do.
- [audience member] Oh!
211
00:09:47,379 --> 00:09:49,848
We do, yeah. As long
as your idea of good food
212
00:09:49,882 --> 00:09:52,451
is an H&R Block
fucking Taco Bell!
213
00:09:52,484 --> 00:09:54,453
- Explosion! Yes!
- [man in crowd hoots]
214
00:09:54,486 --> 00:09:56,889
Thank you, guys. I don't
even really have an ending
215
00:09:56,922 --> 00:09:58,490
for that joke yet,
so we're just gonna
216
00:09:58,524 --> 00:09:59,992
get this open mic going, guys.
217
00:10:00,025 --> 00:10:01,994
Oh yeah, let's do this!
218
00:10:02,027 --> 00:10:03,896
Let's welcome to the stage
our first performer.
219
00:10:03,929 --> 00:10:05,965
Coming up here, I love this
guy, you know him, you love him,
220
00:10:05,998 --> 00:10:08,534
the one, the only,
Amir Kalil! Yes!
221
00:10:08,567 --> 00:10:10,569
- Amir, get on up here, baby.
- [crowd cheers]
222
00:10:10,603 --> 00:10:13,038
- Good to see you.
- [man in audience] Ah, he brought an instrument!
223
00:10:13,072 --> 00:10:14,273
[man clapping]
224
00:10:16,108 --> 00:10:18,978
[soft acoustic music]
225
00:10:20,179 --> 00:10:22,815
♪ Ooh, yeah, yeah ♪
226
00:10:22,848 --> 00:10:24,583
- ♪ Wooh hoo hoo ♪
- [audience laughing]
227
00:10:24,617 --> 00:10:27,353
Listen, guys, I'm actually
mixed race
228
00:10:27,386 --> 00:10:29,555
with Black and Arabic,
229
00:10:29,588 --> 00:10:32,057
and it really does
come out in my singing.
230
00:10:32,891 --> 00:10:34,260
This is what it sounds like.
231
00:10:34,293 --> 00:10:37,731
[unintelligible]
♪ Baby, ooh, yeah ♪
232
00:10:39,531 --> 00:10:42,268
So I grew up the daughter
of a Russian immigrant.
233
00:10:42,301 --> 00:10:45,004
And let me tell you,
she critiqued everything.
234
00:10:45,037 --> 00:10:47,172
Anyways, this one day
I come home from school
235
00:10:47,206 --> 00:10:48,742
and I'm really upset
236
00:10:48,774 --> 00:10:51,210
because this girl has
made up rumors about me.
237
00:10:51,243 --> 00:10:53,612
Anyway, so I go to my
mother and I'm crying,
238
00:10:53,647 --> 00:10:56,248
"Mama, she said, I'm a slut,
she said I'm a whore."
239
00:10:56,282 --> 00:10:59,285
And my mother, she looks at
me and she's really offended.
240
00:10:59,318 --> 00:11:02,054
And she says to me, "Sveta,
241
00:11:02,087 --> 00:11:05,891
why you care who say you slut,
who say you whore?
242
00:11:05,924 --> 00:11:08,560
What matters is I know
243
00:11:08,594 --> 00:11:11,030
you fucking prostitute-ka."
244
00:11:11,063 --> 00:11:14,967
- [audience laughing]
- [man] Oh my God, real comedy!
245
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:17,737
So much better
than the other girl!
246
00:11:17,771 --> 00:11:19,538
Thank you guys all so much.
247
00:11:19,571 --> 00:11:21,040
This is actually
my last show tonight.
248
00:11:21,073 --> 00:11:23,809
I've booked a recurring role
on Improv Tonite.
249
00:11:23,842 --> 00:11:26,278
So I'm gonna have an audience
larger than five people.
250
00:11:26,312 --> 00:11:29,515
[applause]
251
00:11:30,849 --> 00:11:33,919
Check me out on Instagram!
252
00:11:33,952 --> 00:11:36,288
- Well, I mean, you said three minutes?
- Yeah.
253
00:11:36,322 --> 00:11:37,791
Yeah, we just did five.
254
00:11:37,823 --> 00:11:39,291
Minutes that actually work.
255
00:11:39,325 --> 00:11:41,293
Yeah, we kinda bypass
that, you see this?
256
00:11:41,327 --> 00:11:44,330
- We got all these followers right here.
- [man] Yeah.
257
00:11:44,363 --> 00:11:47,099
[Woman] Mm, how long did you say
you were doing comedy again?
258
00:11:47,132 --> 00:11:49,468
- Well, we just started like a month...
- Oh, yeah, about a month.
259
00:11:49,501 --> 00:11:52,471
We're models, influencers,
for uh...
260
00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:53,839
honestly, probably the dopest
261
00:11:53,872 --> 00:11:55,407
vegan shaving cream
startup in the city.
262
00:11:55,441 --> 00:11:57,910
- Right, right.
- Yeah, how does that work?
263
00:11:57,943 --> 00:11:59,511
Well, okay, so like,
264
00:11:59,545 --> 00:12:01,180
if you're gonna do a
vegan alternative, right?
265
00:12:01,213 --> 00:12:04,316
You gotta do something that
is both sexy and empowering.
266
00:12:04,350 --> 00:12:05,951
So that's kind of
where we come in.
267
00:12:05,984 --> 00:12:09,421
He brings the empowering,
I bring the sexy.
268
00:12:09,455 --> 00:12:10,522
- Yup.
- Yup.
269
00:12:10,556 --> 00:12:12,124
Oh, how...
270
00:12:12,157 --> 00:12:13,525
Um, I, uh...
271
00:12:13,559 --> 00:12:16,995
I would love to sit
here and talk more...
272
00:12:17,029 --> 00:12:18,130
- Yeah, please do.
- About
273
00:12:18,163 --> 00:12:20,132
the vegan sour cream company...
274
00:12:20,165 --> 00:12:21,433
Shaving cream.
275
00:12:21,467 --> 00:12:23,268
- Sorry...
- That you guys got going.
276
00:12:23,302 --> 00:12:24,536
- It's shaving cream.
- It's shaving cream.
277
00:12:24,570 --> 00:12:26,438
It's a shaving cream company.
278
00:12:26,472 --> 00:12:28,273
- Shaving cream.
- Sorry, I've never heard somebody say that, it's crazy.
279
00:12:28,307 --> 00:12:30,275
Shaving cream company
y'all are putting together,
280
00:12:30,309 --> 00:12:33,780
love to stay here and talk more
about that, but I gotta run.
281
00:12:33,813 --> 00:12:37,883
And Devontae? Aren't you signed
up at Bomb Shelter tonight?
282
00:12:37,916 --> 00:12:39,351
- Fuck.
- Right.
283
00:12:39,385 --> 00:12:41,387
Nice to meet y'all, good
luck with everything.
284
00:12:41,420 --> 00:12:42,521
- Yeah, yeah, yeah...
- Yeah, bye.
285
00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:43,622
- Nicole, right?
- Take care.
286
00:12:43,656 --> 00:12:44,791
- Nelly.
- Nelly?
287
00:12:44,824 --> 00:12:46,693
- Nelly, Nelly.
- Nelly.
288
00:12:48,762 --> 00:12:50,396
What's up with your girl?
289
00:12:50,429 --> 00:12:53,132
It's a tough crowd, but
I feel like she killed it.
290
00:12:53,165 --> 00:12:55,835
No, no. I'm talking about like...
what's good with her, right?
291
00:12:55,869 --> 00:12:57,637
- You know what I'm saying?
- Yeah, no.
292
00:12:59,238 --> 00:13:03,175
All right, guys. Next up,
none of us are actually sure
293
00:13:03,208 --> 00:13:05,812
whether this guy is
really funny or not,
294
00:13:05,845 --> 00:13:07,980
but let's keep it going
for the one, the only,
295
00:13:08,013 --> 00:13:11,818
Griff Frickin' Pippin! Yes!
296
00:13:11,851 --> 00:13:15,254
Just a bunch of motherfuckers
tellin' some truth!
297
00:13:15,287 --> 00:13:16,522
- Yeah!
- [Man In Crowd] Yeah!
298
00:13:16,555 --> 00:13:18,223
Yeah! Woo!
299
00:13:18,257 --> 00:13:21,093
You know what I hate?
you know what fucking sucks?
300
00:13:21,126 --> 00:13:23,529
Car... Car insurance, Goddammit.
301
00:13:23,562 --> 00:13:25,698
I fucking hate it. They bend
you right over
302
00:13:25,732 --> 00:13:27,566
and they fuck you in the ass!
303
00:13:27,599 --> 00:13:28,934
And you know what?
304
00:13:28,967 --> 00:13:30,870
You don't even have
to have car insurance.
305
00:13:30,904 --> 00:13:32,404
Do you know that?
306
00:13:32,438 --> 00:13:35,174
You could just drive around
without car insurance.
307
00:13:35,207 --> 00:13:37,844
You could drive around. As long
as you take care of yourself,
308
00:13:37,877 --> 00:13:40,345
you don't have to fucking
have car insurance.
309
00:13:40,379 --> 00:13:43,683
So, fuck all of you.
Have a good night!
310
00:13:43,716 --> 00:13:46,786
Next up, the only one of
us actually making a living
311
00:13:46,820 --> 00:13:48,620
off of comedy right now, no...
312
00:13:48,655 --> 00:13:51,557
- [Griff] Fuck!
- Yeah, maybe next year, Pippin.
313
00:13:51,590 --> 00:13:54,059
All right, not even sure why
this guy still comes here,
314
00:13:54,092 --> 00:13:55,427
but it's always great
to have the him.
315
00:13:55,461 --> 00:13:57,697
The one, the only,
Dante Chang, guys.
316
00:13:57,730 --> 00:14:00,199
- Yeah!
- Dante Chang, what's goin' on, baby?
317
00:14:00,232 --> 00:14:03,736
- Holy shit, that's the biggest catfish I've ever seen.
- [crowd laughing]
318
00:14:03,770 --> 00:14:06,572
Griff, shut the
fuck up. You know why?
319
00:14:06,605 --> 00:14:10,242
Because... You know...
You're a white man from the waist up,
320
00:14:10,275 --> 00:14:13,612
- but you're a black woman from the waist down.
- [crowd hooting]
321
00:14:13,646 --> 00:14:15,715
People say the most racist
things to me, you know?
322
00:14:15,748 --> 00:14:16,950
Other day, dude was like,
323
00:14:16,982 --> 00:14:19,618
"Do your people really
eat dog and shit?"
324
00:14:19,652 --> 00:14:21,721
It's messed up. Whenever
I go to my friend's house,
325
00:14:21,754 --> 00:14:23,890
they hide their dog and shit.
326
00:14:23,923 --> 00:14:26,425
You can hear it scratching
[mimics scratching]
327
00:14:26,458 --> 00:14:28,293
It's like, "Hey
man, you got a dog?"
328
00:14:28,327 --> 00:14:31,597
"No, dude, I don't know what
the fuck you're talking about."
329
00:14:31,631 --> 00:14:32,932
Then it barks, "Woof!"
330
00:14:32,966 --> 00:14:34,132
"You do have a dog.
331
00:14:34,166 --> 00:14:36,568
It's okay, man, I got
a dog too."
332
00:14:36,602 --> 00:14:39,104
They're like, "Is
it in your freezer?"
333
00:14:39,137 --> 00:14:42,307
Like, "No, man,
it's in the oven."
334
00:14:42,341 --> 00:14:44,309
[crowd laughs]
335
00:14:44,343 --> 00:14:46,311
[man] So this is where
you go where...
336
00:14:46,345 --> 00:14:48,815
you're good, or...
you just getting started?
337
00:14:48,848 --> 00:14:50,750
I think it's where you
come when you, like really...
338
00:14:50,783 --> 00:14:52,184
When you want to...
Get in for this.
339
00:14:52,217 --> 00:14:53,753
When you want to sit
aggressively close to people,
340
00:14:53,786 --> 00:14:55,320
this is where you come.
341
00:14:55,354 --> 00:14:56,555
Say that again?
342
00:14:57,155 --> 00:14:58,257
[sigh]
343
00:14:58,290 --> 00:15:00,092
Could you say
that one more time?
344
00:15:00,559 --> 00:15:01,694
Forget it.
345
00:15:01,728 --> 00:15:04,029
Next up, you know
him, you love him,
346
00:15:04,062 --> 00:15:05,932
the one, the only...
347
00:15:05,965 --> 00:15:08,133
- He goes by Just Kyle, guys. Give it up...
- [man in crowd] For real?
348
00:15:08,166 --> 00:15:10,703
- Yes, Kyle. Kyle, get up here.
- What the fuck...
349
00:15:10,737 --> 00:15:12,471
- [man1] Aw, what the fuck?
- [man2] This sucks!
350
00:15:12,504 --> 00:15:16,643
So I visited my grandma
the other day, and...
351
00:15:16,676 --> 00:15:18,711
You know, she's always
criticizing me.
352
00:15:18,745 --> 00:15:22,147
She was like, "Kyle,
your shoes are dirty.
353
00:15:22,180 --> 00:15:24,216
Kyle, your shirt is wrinkled.
354
00:15:24,249 --> 00:15:27,020
Maybe you should
iron more often."
355
00:15:27,052 --> 00:15:28,554
And I told her like,
356
00:15:28,587 --> 00:15:31,290
"Grandma, you need to iron
your face."
357
00:15:32,025 --> 00:15:33,258
[Griff] Wow!
358
00:15:37,897 --> 00:15:40,332
What, you guys don't...
Don't have grandmas?
359
00:15:40,365 --> 00:15:42,301
This guy looks
like a fucking programmer
360
00:15:42,334 --> 00:15:43,803
that just did a bunch of meth.
361
00:15:43,836 --> 00:15:45,672
I may look like I do meth,
362
00:15:45,705 --> 00:15:47,840
but I'm definitely
not a programmer.
363
00:15:47,874 --> 00:15:51,476
Next up, we got the one, the
only, Devontae Green, everybody!
364
00:15:51,510 --> 00:15:53,211
[applause]
365
00:15:53,245 --> 00:15:55,213
Jesus Christ, agai?
366
00:15:55,247 --> 00:15:57,082
Goddamn, man.
367
00:15:57,115 --> 00:16:00,152
Well, there goes our only full
black comic of the night, guys.
368
00:16:00,185 --> 00:16:03,756
So, she really comes
here and does comedy...
369
00:16:04,791 --> 00:16:06,358
- The mic...
- She's supposed to be funny,
370
00:16:06,391 --> 00:16:07,961
-Yep. Well, yeah.
371
00:16:09,261 --> 00:16:12,564
There's differences of opinion
of what funny is.
372
00:16:12,598 --> 00:16:14,600
I... For instance, I saw
somebody...
373
00:16:14,634 --> 00:16:16,535
Some... Someone clapped
during your routine.
374
00:16:16,568 --> 00:16:18,604
Nah, that's like saying
that you don't see color.
375
00:16:19,237 --> 00:16:20,907
[hesitates]
376
00:16:26,746 --> 00:16:28,180
Hey, man.
377
00:16:28,213 --> 00:16:31,084
That was the most metal shit
I've ever fucking seen.
378
00:16:31,116 --> 00:16:33,886
Creepy van guy!
Ah, you're still here.
379
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:36,055
Dude, can you just give me
the night to figure out my van
380
00:16:36,089 --> 00:16:37,924
- and I'll be gone in the morning?
- Hard pass.
381
00:16:37,957 --> 00:16:40,059
Place of business. Can't run
a hotel on the side.
382
00:16:40,093 --> 00:16:41,794
Dude, look, I'm just...
383
00:16:41,828 --> 00:16:43,930
I'm just looking for a little
fucking understanding.
384
00:16:43,963 --> 00:16:45,430
Dude, if I let you stay here,
385
00:16:45,464 --> 00:16:47,199
then every comic in Los Angeles
is gonna be like,
386
00:16:47,232 --> 00:16:49,234
"Oh, hey Dave, why can't
I just stay there too
387
00:16:49,267 --> 00:16:51,904
- like that one guy does?"
- Dude, this isn't the fucking Ritz Carlton, man.
388
00:16:51,938 --> 00:16:53,072
I think you're okay.
389
00:16:53,106 --> 00:16:55,240
If your van isn't gone
by lockup,
390
00:16:55,273 --> 00:16:56,776
I'm going to have
your van towed.
391
00:16:56,809 --> 00:16:58,543
I shoulda let that
fucking hillbilly
392
00:16:58,577 --> 00:17:00,046
pick his fucking teeth with you.
393
00:17:00,079 --> 00:17:03,049
Running a business ain't
for the tenderhearted.
394
00:17:03,082 --> 00:17:05,985
How fucking tenderhearted do you
think the cops would be if...
395
00:17:06,019 --> 00:17:10,489
I don't know, they saw
the one, two, three, uh...
396
00:17:10,522 --> 00:17:12,257
Just those fire hazards
I can see
397
00:17:12,290 --> 00:17:13,425
off the top of my fucking head?
398
00:17:13,458 --> 00:17:15,728
All right. What do you want?
399
00:17:15,762 --> 00:17:17,063
Let me fix 'em.
400
00:17:17,930 --> 00:17:18,965
For?
401
00:17:18,998 --> 00:17:20,165
Dude.
402
00:17:20,198 --> 00:17:21,400
I'm not as dumb
as I fucking look.
403
00:17:21,433 --> 00:17:22,902
Let me... Let me fix
the place up.
404
00:17:22,935 --> 00:17:25,270
Just give me like a week
or two tops
405
00:17:25,303 --> 00:17:26,973
to figure out my van shit.
406
00:17:27,006 --> 00:17:29,008
This place will be better,
and you won't even know I'm here.
407
00:17:32,812 --> 00:17:35,180
- Okay.
- Oh, man! Really?
408
00:17:35,213 --> 00:17:37,016
No! Oh, my God!
409
00:17:37,050 --> 00:17:39,317
Bro, I, unlike you,
have landlords.
410
00:17:39,351 --> 00:17:41,120
- I share this lot with other businesses...
- Oh, God!
411
00:17:41,154 --> 00:17:42,587
And... and...
412
00:17:42,621 --> 00:17:44,623
Yeah, I know. You'll fucking
tow me if I'm not gone.
413
00:17:44,657 --> 00:17:45,992
Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding, bam!
414
00:17:46,025 --> 00:17:48,828
Explosion! Yes, you've got it!
415
00:17:50,029 --> 00:17:51,563
Ah, my God.
416
00:17:53,498 --> 00:17:55,134
Fuck.
417
00:17:55,168 --> 00:17:57,402
[soft music]
418
00:17:58,805 --> 00:18:00,773
Hey. Um...
419
00:18:01,506 --> 00:18:03,910
Yeah. It's me. Uh...
420
00:18:05,310 --> 00:18:07,947
I'm not doing so hot
right now, and um...
421
00:18:07,980 --> 00:18:10,116
can I crash at your place?
422
00:18:10,149 --> 00:18:12,652
Hang up the phone!
423
00:18:12,685 --> 00:18:13,820
[grunting]
424
00:18:13,853 --> 00:18:15,888
- Hey, can I call you back?
- God...
425
00:18:15,922 --> 00:18:19,025
You were just groveling.
426
00:18:19,058 --> 00:18:20,660
Don't you understand?
427
00:18:20,693 --> 00:18:24,296
If you go back to her now,
she freaking owns you, man!
428
00:18:24,329 --> 00:18:26,199
I don't see... What other
options do I have?
429
00:18:26,231 --> 00:18:28,801
I can't let...
430
00:18:28,835 --> 00:18:32,872
another man...
become... a bitch.
431
00:18:32,905 --> 00:18:35,675
This society... does nothing...
432
00:18:35,708 --> 00:18:39,611
but try to say every ounce of
masculinity that we have away from us.
433
00:18:39,645 --> 00:18:42,815
We are men. We do men shit.
434
00:18:42,849 --> 00:18:46,585
You will not go crawling
back to that woman.
435
00:18:46,618 --> 00:18:48,320
God! Dang it!
436
00:18:48,353 --> 00:18:51,523
- I won't?
- No! She broke your heart.
437
00:18:51,556 --> 00:18:53,192
Didn't call you for months,
438
00:18:53,226 --> 00:18:55,228
lied about her
parents liking you
439
00:18:55,260 --> 00:18:57,329
when you knew that
they hated you. Despite the fact
440
00:18:57,362 --> 00:18:59,364
that you complemented
their roast chicken,
441
00:18:59,397 --> 00:19:02,168
which tastes like burnt pubes!
442
00:19:02,201 --> 00:19:04,737
[grunting]
443
00:19:09,474 --> 00:19:11,543
- You can fix the place up, okay?
- Ahhh!
444
00:19:11,576 --> 00:19:14,914
Just promise me you won't
go crawling back to her.
445
00:19:14,947 --> 00:19:19,584
She's the woman. She comes
crawling back to yo, the man.
446
00:19:19,618 --> 00:19:22,188
- This is man time.
- Yeah.
447
00:19:22,221 --> 00:19:24,090
- Man time.
- Right.
448
00:19:24,123 --> 00:19:25,457
- Man time!
- Yeah, got it.
449
00:19:25,490 --> 00:19:26,793
- Man time!
- Yeah, cool.
450
00:19:26,826 --> 00:19:28,060
Man! Say it!
451
00:19:28,094 --> 00:19:30,229
- Man time, man time.
- Man time, man time.
452
00:19:30,263 --> 00:19:32,265
Okay, yes. I feel like...
453
00:19:32,297 --> 00:19:34,466
Yes, whatever you say. I feel
like a lot of that wasn't...
454
00:19:34,499 --> 00:19:36,002
- Direc... Directed at me, and...
- Good.
455
00:19:36,803 --> 00:19:39,404
kind of sounded like a 1950s
marriage counselor,
456
00:19:39,437 --> 00:19:42,440
but yes. Yes.
Yes, anything. I'm...
457
00:19:42,474 --> 00:19:44,543
- Thank you. I will not let you down.
- Good...
458
00:19:44,576 --> 00:19:46,646
- Whatever you need. I'm here.
- You gotta couple of weeks.
459
00:19:46,679 --> 00:19:48,114
Okay, yeah.
460
00:19:48,147 --> 00:19:49,882
- All right, last thing.
- Yeah?
461
00:19:49,916 --> 00:19:52,084
No dick fucking around.
This is a place of business.
462
00:19:52,118 --> 00:19:53,719
Okay. Done.
463
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:56,555
Ahh.
464
00:19:58,658 --> 00:19:59,892
[sigh]
465
00:20:02,594 --> 00:20:05,497
Oh, what the fuck?
466
00:20:05,530 --> 00:20:07,200
Did that just fuck...
467
00:20:08,134 --> 00:20:10,903
[Arnold groaning] Those are my
clean fucking socks.
468
00:20:10,937 --> 00:20:12,305
God damn it!
469
00:20:15,942 --> 00:20:17,243
Hey, yo. My dude, uh...
470
00:20:17,276 --> 00:20:19,312
You really think that this
is the, uh...
471
00:20:19,377 --> 00:20:21,914
the best spot for you to have
your little...
472
00:20:21,948 --> 00:20:23,515
uh, nervous breakdown?
473
00:20:23,548 --> 00:20:27,653
Ah... Just doing some spring
cleaning on my home, so.
474
00:20:29,956 --> 00:20:31,523
You one of them white people
where the...
475
00:20:31,556 --> 00:20:33,659
the privilege just kinda
passed right over you, huh?
476
00:20:33,693 --> 00:20:36,796
Passed right over my whole
fucking state. [chuckles]
477
00:20:36,829 --> 00:20:39,598
I'm just getting like a...
Arby's roast beef...
478
00:20:39,632 --> 00:20:41,000
- vibe, yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.
479
00:20:41,033 --> 00:20:42,434
- [chuckles]
- Okay, cool. Yeah.
480
00:20:42,467 --> 00:20:45,638
Yeah. I'm... Well, I'm...
I'm Arnold.
481
00:20:45,671 --> 00:20:47,606
I uh... live here.
482
00:20:48,506 --> 00:20:49,709
What about you?
483
00:20:50,910 --> 00:20:52,678
Um... Devontae.
484
00:20:52,712 --> 00:20:54,747
- You live here, like, permanently, or?
- Yeah.
485
00:20:56,349 --> 00:21:00,219
Well, me and my girl
kinda of... Are going through it.
486
00:21:00,253 --> 00:21:02,520
So it's just, uh...
487
00:21:02,554 --> 00:21:04,891
me and the Mystery Machine...
488
00:21:04,924 --> 00:21:06,491
right here. Oh! Uh...
489
00:21:06,524 --> 00:21:10,096
Jacuzzi's going in right
there, so just... Yeah, thanks.
490
00:21:10,830 --> 00:21:12,965
Let me just... I'll make sure...
491
00:21:12,999 --> 00:21:15,201
Yeah, that's a good
spot too. Actually.
492
00:21:15,234 --> 00:21:17,502
You know, usually when you
go from living together
493
00:21:17,535 --> 00:21:20,640
to living in a van, that's
called a breakup, my dude.
494
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:23,743
But you know, you never know.
495
00:21:23,776 --> 00:21:25,645
What's uh... What's your story?
496
00:21:26,879 --> 00:21:29,581
I moved out here two
years ago from high school.
497
00:21:29,614 --> 00:21:31,050
- Nice.
- Yeah.
498
00:21:31,751 --> 00:21:33,352
Yeah. You a comic?
499
00:21:33,386 --> 00:21:37,056
Nah. [hesitates] Yeah...
I mean... I moved here to...
500
00:21:37,890 --> 00:21:41,193
to at least... try it.
Baby steps.
501
00:21:41,227 --> 00:21:43,029
[Dave] Devontae!
As I live and breathe.
502
00:21:43,062 --> 00:21:45,097
Thanks for actually
showing up this time.
503
00:21:45,131 --> 00:21:47,166
Shit. All right,
I'ma have to hit you later.
504
00:21:47,199 --> 00:21:48,600
- Yeah?
- Uh, yeah.
505
00:21:48,634 --> 00:21:50,535
Yeah. I gotta get
back on Dave's good side.
506
00:21:50,568 --> 00:21:52,238
- Yeah.
- All right, I'll see you.
507
00:21:52,271 --> 00:21:55,908
Yeah. Oh, uh... Well,
a Waka Flocka Flame to you, sir.
508
00:21:55,942 --> 00:22:00,146
[hesitates] As Ice Cube says,
"I hope you have a good day."
509
00:22:01,814 --> 00:22:03,548
All right, so I'ma jump right
into it, uh,
510
00:22:03,581 --> 00:22:06,551
'cause, uh, no one else
has addressed it yet. Um...
511
00:22:06,584 --> 00:22:08,754
I'll... I'll talk about the dude
in the van.
512
00:22:08,788 --> 00:22:10,256
- There's a dude...
- [laughter]
513
00:22:10,289 --> 00:22:12,725
There's a... There's a dude
in the van right outside.
514
00:22:12,758 --> 00:22:15,895
Yeah I don't know if anybody had
the pleasure of talking to him.
515
00:22:15,928 --> 00:22:18,931
He's... He's a cool dude.
He seems like a cool-ass dude.
516
00:22:18,965 --> 00:22:20,565
He's going through a breakup.
517
00:22:20,598 --> 00:22:22,534
He doesn't know that yet,
but he's going through it.
518
00:22:22,567 --> 00:22:26,105
He's... He's gonna figure that
part out, you know. Um...
519
00:22:26,138 --> 00:22:28,107
The... What I really
like about him is that clearly,
520
00:22:28,140 --> 00:22:30,575
he likes to date women of color.
521
00:22:30,608 --> 00:22:32,645
'Cause, know what I'm saying, though?
He was definitely dating a sister
522
00:22:32,678 --> 00:22:34,413
that put him out who put them
out in that motherfucking van
523
00:22:34,447 --> 00:22:36,415
right out... outside of this
place?
524
00:22:36,449 --> 00:22:39,051
She probably made sure he
ended up at this place too.
525
00:22:39,085 --> 00:22:41,187
[soft music]
526
00:22:44,657 --> 00:22:46,258
[Dave] Yo, van guy!
527
00:22:46,292 --> 00:22:47,994
We all noticed you're
about a half a step away
528
00:22:48,027 --> 00:22:49,428
from losing your fucking mind
out here.
529
00:22:49,462 --> 00:22:51,297
Why don't you come
check out a show?
530
00:22:51,330 --> 00:22:52,765
You just did a bunch
of shows, man.
531
00:22:52,798 --> 00:22:54,266
No, those are mics.
532
00:22:54,300 --> 00:22:57,303
I'm talking about a real
show with real people.
533
00:22:57,336 --> 00:22:58,637
Aren't you real people?
534
00:22:58,671 --> 00:23:00,605
Comics aren't real people,
you idiot.
535
00:23:00,639 --> 00:23:02,274
We're barely even human,
all right?
536
00:23:02,308 --> 00:23:03,943
Have you seen our bathroom?
537
00:23:03,976 --> 00:23:05,778
I mean, come on, have you
talked to Griff Pippin?
538
00:23:05,811 --> 00:23:07,279
The guy's a fucking nut job.
539
00:23:07,313 --> 00:23:09,348
It'll ease your mind.
Just come on. Come with...
540
00:23:09,382 --> 00:23:10,750
Trust me. Come with me.
541
00:23:13,486 --> 00:23:15,221
All right. Fuck it.
542
00:23:17,189 --> 00:23:19,557
There you go. Nicely done.
543
00:23:20,059 --> 00:23:21,559
- Jesus Christ.
- Ow.
544
00:23:22,828 --> 00:23:24,497
My God, bro.
545
00:23:24,529 --> 00:23:26,866
She fucked you up. There you...
Oh, very good.
546
00:23:26,899 --> 00:23:29,368
Yeah, you wouldn't want anyone
to drive your immobile home away.
547
00:23:29,402 --> 00:23:30,770
Let's go!
548
00:23:30,803 --> 00:23:32,071
♪ When I roll up
To the club ♪
549
00:23:32,104 --> 00:23:33,773
♪ All I wanna see is
Chonka lonka ♪
550
00:23:33,806 --> 00:23:35,307
♪ Pull up on dubs ♪
551
00:23:35,341 --> 00:23:37,109
♪ In the backseat is
Chonka lonka ♪
552
00:23:37,143 --> 00:23:38,477
♪ Better show me love ♪
553
00:23:38,511 --> 00:23:40,279
♪ If you know you got a
Chonka lonka ♪
554
00:23:40,312 --> 00:23:41,579
♪ Don't care about
Them jugs ♪
555
00:23:41,613 --> 00:23:43,548
♪ I just wanna see your
Chonka lonka ♪
556
00:23:43,581 --> 00:23:44,817
♪ When I come up
In the club ♪
557
00:23:44,850 --> 00:23:46,318
♪ I ain't trying to talk
To no girl ♪
558
00:23:46,352 --> 00:23:48,187
♪ I'm just trying to see
You bend over ♪
559
00:23:48,220 --> 00:23:49,488
♪ And shake your
Chonka lonkas ♪
560
00:23:49,522 --> 00:23:51,357
♪ White girls with the
Shirts on... ♪
561
00:23:51,390 --> 00:23:53,392
[Dave] Have you guys enjoyed the
show that you've seen so far?
562
00:23:53,426 --> 00:23:55,327
We having a good time
tonight guys?
563
00:23:55,361 --> 00:23:58,397
Let me hear ya!
[cheering drowns out Dave]
564
00:23:58,431 --> 00:23:59,865
But...
565
00:23:59,899 --> 00:24:02,701
We have reached
a point... in the night...
566
00:24:03,601 --> 00:24:05,237
This is the time...
567
00:24:05,271 --> 00:24:06,571
of the show that I've been
looking forward...
568
00:24:06,604 --> 00:24:08,040
It's my favorite
part of the show
569
00:24:08,074 --> 00:24:10,042
because there have been
too many sex machines
570
00:24:10,076 --> 00:24:12,678
making it look
freaking easy up here.
571
00:24:12,711 --> 00:24:16,549
And I can assure you guys,
it is not as easy as it looks.
572
00:24:16,581 --> 00:24:17,883
- Okay.
- And that is why
573
00:24:17,917 --> 00:24:20,386
we do this at this show.
We are about to engage
574
00:24:20,419 --> 00:24:22,655
in my favorite ritual
in all of comedy,
575
00:24:22,688 --> 00:24:24,890
the virgin sacrifice!
576
00:24:24,924 --> 00:24:26,392
[crowd loudly cheering]
577
00:24:26,425 --> 00:24:30,896
[all] Virgin! Virgin!
Virgin! Virgin! Virgin...
578
00:24:31,097 --> 00:24:32,698
Silence!
579
00:24:32,731 --> 00:24:34,599
Is there one among you...
580
00:24:34,633 --> 00:24:35,935
who has the guts to come up here
581
00:24:35,968 --> 00:24:39,004
and sacrifice yourself
for this audience here?
582
00:24:39,038 --> 00:24:41,707
- Is there not one among you?
- [man] I'll do it.
583
00:24:41,740 --> 00:24:43,242
- Oh!
- I'll fucking do it!
584
00:24:43,275 --> 00:24:46,745
We have our virgin right here!
Get up here!
585
00:24:47,246 --> 00:24:49,715
Oh, man. Woo!
586
00:24:49,748 --> 00:24:52,251
All right, what is your name?
587
00:24:53,786 --> 00:24:55,221
[shouting] Chet.
588
00:24:55,254 --> 00:24:56,822
Chet what?
589
00:24:57,723 --> 00:24:59,792
Just Chet, bro!
590
00:24:59,825 --> 00:25:01,961
All right, guys. Give it up,
591
00:25:01,994 --> 00:25:05,464
keep it going for just Chet!
592
00:25:05,498 --> 00:25:09,034
- [applause]
- Oh, my God! Oh my...
593
00:25:09,068 --> 00:25:10,636
Ohhh!
594
00:25:10,669 --> 00:25:12,037
Oh!
595
00:25:12,071 --> 00:25:15,341
I... love...
fucking bitches!
596
00:25:18,444 --> 00:25:20,980
[normal voice]
Oh. All right.
597
00:25:21,013 --> 00:25:24,216
Well I guess I'll tell you this
one story. Uh...
598
00:25:25,017 --> 00:25:27,987
So this one time, uh,
I was at a club,
599
00:25:28,020 --> 00:25:30,356
and, like, the bouncer...
600
00:25:31,790 --> 00:25:34,960
would not, like,
let us in and shit.
601
00:25:34,994 --> 00:25:38,063
And I was like, "Bro,
why aren't you letting us in?
602
00:25:38,097 --> 00:25:40,499
[shouting] We're fucking
fly and shit, man!"
603
00:25:42,034 --> 00:25:43,736
[woman in crowd] Uh, what?
604
00:25:44,803 --> 00:25:46,640
- Okay.
- [man in crowd] Who is this guy?
605
00:25:46,672 --> 00:25:48,574
Fine. All right.
606
00:25:50,476 --> 00:25:52,745
I guess you had to be there.
607
00:25:52,778 --> 00:25:54,146
I'm fucking Chet!
608
00:25:54,180 --> 00:25:56,515
[Griff] Yeah!
That wasn't comedy!
609
00:25:57,850 --> 00:25:58,951
- [Dave] Look!
- Huh?
610
00:25:58,984 --> 00:26:00,085
- Eggs!
- What?
611
00:26:00,119 --> 00:26:01,287
Breakfast is served.
612
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:03,155
You think this...
hardened comportment
613
00:26:03,189 --> 00:26:04,690
that you see here
was always like this?
614
00:26:04,723 --> 00:26:06,825
No, sir, I've been
in the fire brother.
615
00:26:06,859 --> 00:26:08,327
Gotta pull yourself out.
616
00:26:08,360 --> 00:26:11,330
Set goals, plans, frickin'
make shit happen, man.
617
00:26:11,363 --> 00:26:12,831
Yeah, where I'm from,
we really don't
618
00:26:12,865 --> 00:26:14,433
- do that shit.
- Well, you're not in Dayton anymore.
619
00:26:14,466 --> 00:26:16,335
You're right here. Casa de Dave.
620
00:26:16,368 --> 00:26:17,870
Come on, what are you gonna do?
621
00:26:17,903 --> 00:26:19,639
All right. All right! Um...
622
00:26:19,673 --> 00:26:21,774
My van's fucked, I gotta fix it.
623
00:26:21,807 --> 00:26:23,342
- Good start, yes.
- Okay.
624
00:26:23,375 --> 00:26:25,844
All right, after that,
you're going to?
625
00:26:25,878 --> 00:26:27,813
I guess I can give
comedy a real try.
626
00:26:27,846 --> 00:26:30,149
There you go, you're
gettin' fuckin' hard!
627
00:26:30,182 --> 00:26:32,652
You're trying standup.
What else? What's after that?
628
00:26:32,686 --> 00:26:35,321
I guess when Mary sees
how good I'm fuckin' doing,
629
00:26:35,354 --> 00:26:36,822
she'll have to get
back together with me.
630
00:26:36,855 --> 00:26:39,458
She might! She might, bro.
You'll have a chance.
631
00:26:39,491 --> 00:26:41,327
It's better than fucking
what you're doing now.
632
00:26:41,360 --> 00:26:43,529
- Well, yeah.
- Okay?
633
00:26:43,562 --> 00:26:46,899
All right. That's a start.
Step one, finished.
634
00:26:46,932 --> 00:26:48,668
I got a bunch of
tools in my shed too.
635
00:26:48,702 --> 00:26:51,437
It might have everything
you need. Fucking boom, man!
636
00:26:51,870 --> 00:26:53,239
[grunts]
637
00:26:56,842 --> 00:26:58,077
How...
638
00:26:58,944 --> 00:27:01,213
- How are you, like...
- [chuckiling]
639
00:27:02,281 --> 00:27:04,984
The way... you are?
640
00:27:05,017 --> 00:27:06,585
Did you put fucking
meth in those eggs?
641
00:27:06,619 --> 00:27:08,887
No. I can smell a fire
in you, kid!
642
00:27:08,921 --> 00:27:10,389
The fucking veins.
643
00:27:10,422 --> 00:27:12,224
It's not a raging fire,
it's more of a fat, lazy ember.
644
00:27:12,258 --> 00:27:14,994
But, you gotta be in a real
pile of shit
645
00:27:15,027 --> 00:27:16,595
to want to live at The Bomb
Shelter.
646
00:27:18,530 --> 00:27:20,866
[Arnold] Fuck! Come on.
Come on.
647
00:27:20,899 --> 00:27:23,168
You're right there, baby.
Come for me.
648
00:27:23,202 --> 00:27:25,004
Fucking come for me.
649
00:27:25,904 --> 00:27:27,539
Fucking come for...
650
00:27:27,573 --> 00:27:30,776
- me! [ecstatic laugh]
- [engine starts]
651
00:27:30,809 --> 00:27:34,380
Oh, mwah! Valhalla,
you smile upon me.
652
00:27:34,413 --> 00:27:37,016
- Oh! Oh!
- [engine stops]
653
00:27:37,049 --> 00:27:41,086
No! No, no, no, nooo!
654
00:27:42,054 --> 00:27:43,989
Hey, you got your house
working yet?
655
00:27:44,590 --> 00:27:46,525
[Devontae] Yeah, I didn't
think it was possible,
656
00:27:46,558 --> 00:27:47,893
but you may actually
be decreasing
657
00:27:47,926 --> 00:27:49,461
the property value here, bro.
658
00:27:49,495 --> 00:27:51,196
You should do anything else.
659
00:27:51,230 --> 00:27:53,599
- Hey, yo, do a set.
- Yeah, thanks, man.
660
00:27:53,633 --> 00:27:56,435
Fucking working standup isn't my
number one priority right now.
661
00:27:56,468 --> 00:27:58,804
Bullshit. You look
like the type, bro.
662
00:27:58,837 --> 00:28:00,105
The fuck does that mean?
663
00:28:00,139 --> 00:28:01,540
That means that you
a little bitch.
664
00:28:01,573 --> 00:28:03,075
[Dave] Two minutes!
665
00:28:03,108 --> 00:28:05,577
Two fucking minutes, Devontae!
666
00:28:05,611 --> 00:28:06,812
Dave, I'm right here.
667
00:28:06,845 --> 00:28:08,748
I wasn't born yesterday,
I know time seems
668
00:28:08,782 --> 00:28:10,916
to move a little bit
slower when you're high.
669
00:28:10,949 --> 00:28:13,485
Yeah, that's right, two minutes!
670
00:28:13,519 --> 00:28:14,586
Why did you come here?
671
00:28:14,620 --> 00:28:17,556
To be a writer,
actor, or a pussy?
672
00:28:17,589 --> 00:28:19,325
Because you're
acting like a pussy.
673
00:28:19,358 --> 00:28:20,727
Actually, fucking comedy.
674
00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:22,561
Bullshit, bro. What are you
waiting for?
675
00:28:22,594 --> 00:28:24,196
Why don't you fucking
try being homeless?
676
00:28:24,229 --> 00:28:27,299
Another excuse, bro.
You're just like your van.
677
00:28:27,333 --> 00:28:30,770
You're fat, taking
up space, useless...
678
00:28:30,804 --> 00:28:32,237
what the fuck are you doing?
679
00:28:32,271 --> 00:28:33,673
I mean, there's an open spot
for this hour.
680
00:28:33,707 --> 00:28:35,140
Cool, why don't you fucking
show me how then?
681
00:28:35,174 --> 00:28:36,909
You want me to fucking show you?
682
00:28:36,942 --> 00:28:38,778
- Fucking show me.
- I got it.
683
00:28:38,812 --> 00:28:40,245
- Real easy.
- Yeah?
684
00:28:40,279 --> 00:28:41,980
Yeah, real easy, real simple.
685
00:28:42,014 --> 00:28:43,683
- Just put in your name right there.
- There?
686
00:28:43,717 --> 00:28:45,284
Yeah, right there.
you just put your name...
687
00:28:45,317 --> 00:28:47,186
- And then give him the five bucks?
- Yeah, that's it.
688
00:28:47,219 --> 00:28:48,954
[deep exhale]
All right, fuck it.
689
00:28:48,987 --> 00:28:50,422
- He's in.
- That's cool.
690
00:28:50,456 --> 00:28:51,957
[Devontae] If you don't
have cash, Venmo's cool too.
691
00:28:51,990 --> 00:28:53,459
Like, he'll take
whatever, you know?
692
00:28:53,492 --> 00:28:54,828
Coming to this
stage right now,
693
00:28:54,860 --> 00:28:57,863
doing his first-ever
standup of his life! Yes!
694
00:28:57,896 --> 00:28:59,164
You know him, you love him,
695
00:28:59,198 --> 00:29:01,200
he's our very own Bomb Shelter
mascot,
696
00:29:01,233 --> 00:29:04,637
Arnold, everybody! Get up here, Arnold.
[cheers, applause]
697
00:29:04,671 --> 00:29:06,271
[Griff] Oh, wow!
698
00:29:06,305 --> 00:29:11,009
Ellen Degenerates looks terrible
in real life. Holy Christ!
699
00:29:11,043 --> 00:29:12,712
- [chuckle]
- [Griff laughing]
700
00:29:12,746 --> 00:29:14,980
- Uh, I am Arnold.
- [Griff] Sup?
701
00:29:15,013 --> 00:29:17,950
I am the, uh...
local van dweller.
702
00:29:17,983 --> 00:29:20,452
[chuckles] Um...
703
00:29:20,486 --> 00:29:21,721
Yeah.
704
00:29:22,521 --> 00:29:24,490
- [soft music]
- Uhhh...
705
00:29:24,523 --> 00:29:26,425
[whispering to self]
706
00:29:27,660 --> 00:29:31,897
- I'm from Dayton, Ohio. Uh...
- [Griff] Yeah, we can tell.
707
00:29:31,930 --> 00:29:36,034
Yeah, which is [hesitating]
dominantly white people. Um...
708
00:29:36,770 --> 00:29:38,638
There was, like in my
high school,
709
00:29:38,671 --> 00:29:41,974
like a couple Asian guys and,
like, one half Black person.
710
00:29:42,007 --> 00:29:43,208
They were a midget.
711
00:29:43,242 --> 00:29:45,645
- [man] Cool, man.
- [Griff] Oh, great joke.
712
00:29:45,678 --> 00:29:47,212
[no dialog]
713
00:29:49,081 --> 00:29:51,917
When I moved to LA, uh...
714
00:29:51,950 --> 00:29:54,253
I moved to K-Town. Um...
715
00:29:55,254 --> 00:29:57,156
and every time I met
someone, I would say,
716
00:29:57,189 --> 00:29:58,323
"Oh, where are you from?"
717
00:29:58,357 --> 00:30:00,159
And they'd say, "South Korea."
718
00:30:00,192 --> 00:30:03,262
I would say, "Is that the
good one or the bad one?"
719
00:30:03,295 --> 00:30:06,231
- [Griff] Swing and a miss.
- [man] Nice one, dude.
720
00:30:06,265 --> 00:30:10,502
Wow, this guy's just given
up on life and he's not funny.
721
00:30:11,103 --> 00:30:13,505
So yeah. Uh...
722
00:30:13,539 --> 00:30:16,074
when I moved here,
I moved here, uh,
723
00:30:16,108 --> 00:30:18,678
- to uh, Los Feliz.
- [Griff] Hot garbage fire.
724
00:30:18,711 --> 00:30:20,914
Where I met, um, a girl
725
00:30:20,979 --> 00:30:22,882
who was from Mexico and we...
726
00:30:22,916 --> 00:30:24,383
[Griff] I bet you did, big guy.
727
00:30:24,416 --> 00:30:26,185
We started dating,
and we moved in and I just...
728
00:30:26,218 --> 00:30:27,754
[Griff] Yeah. Yeah.
729
00:30:27,787 --> 00:30:29,588
- I always assumed that...
- Lived with the parents?
730
00:30:29,621 --> 00:30:32,257
- Yeah, you did...
- That she would just wanna...
731
00:30:32,291 --> 00:30:35,360
Hey, Ron Weasley? Don't you
have to go to fucking Hogwarts
732
00:30:35,394 --> 00:30:37,029
and shoot that shit
up or something?
733
00:30:37,062 --> 00:30:38,197
[crowd laughing]
734
00:30:38,230 --> 00:30:39,799
- Fuck.
- [man] He lives!
735
00:30:39,833 --> 00:30:41,300
The guy lives!
736
00:30:41,333 --> 00:30:42,802
Surprisingly not horrible.
737
00:30:42,836 --> 00:30:45,971
Surprisingly not
horrible, all right?
738
00:30:46,004 --> 00:30:48,540
Uh, everybody put your hands
together for...
739
00:30:48,574 --> 00:30:50,910
the very funny, the very lovely
Nelly Taskin, guys.
740
00:30:50,944 --> 00:30:53,278
[applause]
741
00:30:53,312 --> 00:30:55,414
Good evening, motherfuckers.
742
00:30:55,447 --> 00:30:57,650
I'm just so privileged
to be here.
743
00:30:57,684 --> 00:31:00,419
Part of this all-male room, huh?
744
00:31:00,452 --> 00:31:02,655
No women at all.
745
00:31:03,322 --> 00:31:05,491
Listen, I know a
lot of you in here,
746
00:31:05,524 --> 00:31:08,126
you hate women. And you think
just 'cause I'm dumb enough
747
00:31:08,160 --> 00:31:10,763
to hang out with
you, I hate them too.
748
00:31:10,797 --> 00:31:13,733
Nah. No. I don't hate women.
749
00:31:14,868 --> 00:31:15,935
I just hate skinny women.
750
00:31:15,969 --> 00:31:17,837
- [man1] Oh! Ha haa!
- [man2] Oww!
751
00:31:17,871 --> 00:31:19,906
Yep, thank you.
752
00:31:19,939 --> 00:31:21,006
And pretty women, all right?
753
00:31:21,039 --> 00:31:22,608
- [man1] Fuck off!
- [man2] Fuck me!
754
00:31:22,642 --> 00:31:24,944
[Amir] Oh, I left my key.
Yeah, I did. I left it there.
755
00:31:24,978 --> 00:31:27,279
Yeah, can you bring it?
Oh, you pullin' up right now?
756
00:31:27,312 --> 00:31:29,849
Oh, okay. I see you.
All right, babe.
757
00:31:30,817 --> 00:31:33,018
You know, sometimes I hate
how much of an asshole you are,
758
00:31:33,051 --> 00:31:35,788
but it feels so good knowing
who really wears the pants.
759
00:31:35,822 --> 00:31:38,023
[laughing]
760
00:31:38,056 --> 00:31:40,526
Shit, I'm the
one who tells
761
00:31:40,559 --> 00:31:42,662
her when to sit and to pee,
you know what I'm saying?
762
00:31:42,695 --> 00:31:43,830
- [Devontae] Ew.
- [Nelly] Yeah, okay.
763
00:31:43,863 --> 00:31:45,364
- [Arnold] Huh?
- You heard me.
764
00:31:45,397 --> 00:31:47,000
That's another
weird thing to say.
765
00:31:47,032 --> 00:31:48,500
[Amir] Hey sweetie!
766
00:31:48,534 --> 00:31:50,637
- [Nelly] Hey, Katherine.
- [Dante] Hey, Kat.
767
00:31:50,670 --> 00:31:52,972
Hi losers. Haven't seen
you guys in what, two days?
768
00:31:53,006 --> 00:31:54,674
[Dante] We're going
to Oyster Lounge. You comin'?
769
00:31:54,707 --> 00:31:56,676
Mmm, no thanks. As much
fun as it actually sounds
770
00:31:56,709 --> 00:31:58,811
I would rather not watch you
talk trash about me on stage.
771
00:31:58,845 --> 00:32:00,546
- [Dante] You should be used to it by now.
- [Nelly laughs]
772
00:32:00,579 --> 00:32:01,748
No.
773
00:32:03,816 --> 00:32:05,350
[Arnold] Aw, that was cute.
774
00:32:06,251 --> 00:32:07,787
[Dave] One minute.
775
00:32:07,820 --> 00:32:09,856
If you're the first
black guy somebody meets,
776
00:32:09,889 --> 00:32:11,390
they're definitely
gonna be racist.
777
00:32:11,423 --> 00:32:13,993
You literally check off
all the boxes, my friend.
778
00:32:14,027 --> 00:32:17,062
Well, at least my
boxes gettin' checked.
779
00:32:18,031 --> 00:32:19,197
I hope that's not
part of your act.
780
00:32:19,231 --> 00:32:20,599
- It might be.
- That's not funny.
781
00:32:22,669 --> 00:32:24,971
- That was kind of funny.
- Are you hungry?
782
00:32:25,004 --> 00:32:26,973
Well, thinking about grabbing
some food from 7-Eleven.
783
00:32:27,006 --> 00:32:28,407
Ah, no. Negative.
784
00:32:28,440 --> 00:32:30,977
Let's eat some real food
at Oyster Lounge.
785
00:32:31,010 --> 00:32:32,912
There, you could
see a real show.
786
00:32:32,946 --> 00:32:35,480
- Can I just change, or?
- [guitar playing]
787
00:32:35,514 --> 00:32:37,650
♪ Yeah, we fuckin' in the van
Tonight ♪
788
00:32:37,684 --> 00:32:40,753
♪ Ooh yeah, mm-hm, yeah ♪
789
00:32:40,787 --> 00:32:42,722
Hey, would you guys
keep it down out here?
790
00:32:42,755 --> 00:32:45,758
Amir! What the fuck... Why?
791
00:32:45,792 --> 00:32:48,061
- Why?
- Ooh, I serenade these hoes, baby!
792
00:32:48,093 --> 00:32:49,662
Dave, I had nothing
to do with this.
793
00:32:49,696 --> 00:32:51,396
♪ Arnold got everything
To do with this ♪
794
00:32:51,430 --> 00:32:52,765
Please don't take it out on me.
795
00:32:52,799 --> 00:32:54,867
♪ I'ma take it out
On you baby ♪
796
00:32:54,901 --> 00:32:56,268
- What's wrong with you?
- Come on, man.
797
00:32:56,301 --> 00:32:57,536
Don't light no candles in there.
798
00:32:57,569 --> 00:32:59,271
♪ Won't you put on something
Sexy ♪
799
00:32:59,304 --> 00:33:02,407
♪ Instead of that stupid-ass
White shirt ♪
800
00:33:02,441 --> 00:33:04,711
♪ Hey girl, where you goin' ♪
801
00:33:04,744 --> 00:33:07,747
♪ Don't you want some
Amiracle? Yeah ♪
802
00:33:07,780 --> 00:33:12,618
♪ That hoodie too
Baggy on you, yeah ♪
803
00:33:12,652 --> 00:33:14,219
♪ Show a brother
Some curves ♪
804
00:33:14,252 --> 00:33:17,924
♪ Yeah, ooh, yeah,
Mm-mm, woo ♪
805
00:33:22,762 --> 00:33:24,296
Smells great in here,
doesn't it?
806
00:33:24,329 --> 00:33:25,898
Yeah, it's 'cause I farted.
807
00:33:25,932 --> 00:33:28,034
Takes a bit of strategy
to get the room back.
808
00:33:28,067 --> 00:33:29,401
- Really?
- Yeah.
809
00:33:29,434 --> 00:33:31,370
I feel like I did that today,
didn't I?
810
00:33:31,403 --> 00:33:33,072
- I felt like I was okay.
- [Nelly] Okay, relax.
811
00:33:33,106 --> 00:33:34,774
- Getting laughs your first time
- No, you were trash.
812
00:33:34,807 --> 00:33:35,942
happens a lot more
than you think.
813
00:33:35,975 --> 00:33:37,877
Try doing that 1000 times more.
814
00:33:37,910 --> 00:33:39,812
First time I went up,
I actually slaughtered.
815
00:33:39,846 --> 00:33:41,748
I was feeling good and all
that shit too, you know?
816
00:33:41,781 --> 00:33:43,883
But next five times I go up?
817
00:33:43,916 --> 00:33:45,985
Bro, I ate dick after dick
for weeks, yo.
818
00:33:46,019 --> 00:33:48,988
Yup, them king-sized dicks,
you know...
819
00:33:49,022 --> 00:33:51,423
Hey, wait. Hold up, they
weren't no king-sized dicks.
820
00:33:51,456 --> 00:33:53,225
I got some laughs, okay?
821
00:33:53,258 --> 00:33:55,762
They was like...
like Kyle-sized dicks.
822
00:33:55,795 --> 00:33:58,064
[all laughing]
Burn!
823
00:34:01,433 --> 00:34:03,102
Who the fuck is gonna
follow that?
824
00:34:03,136 --> 00:34:04,603
You? You? You?
825
00:34:04,637 --> 00:34:06,105
- Bro...
- You're not very good.
826
00:34:06,139 --> 00:34:07,774
Bro, you couldn't
follow my B material.
827
00:34:07,807 --> 00:34:09,441
The waitress could
follow your material, Kyle.
828
00:34:09,474 --> 00:34:10,810
You're garbage.
829
00:34:10,843 --> 00:34:12,845
Wait. Amir, did we miss
your set?
830
00:34:12,879 --> 00:34:14,446
Amir is headlining.
831
00:34:14,479 --> 00:34:16,448
You think 'cause I hang out
with your van-dwelling ass,
832
00:34:16,481 --> 00:34:17,950
I don't run shit?
833
00:34:17,984 --> 00:34:19,752
You don't run shit, Amir.
834
00:34:19,786 --> 00:34:22,621
- Not here, and definitely not at home.
- That's facts.
835
00:34:22,655 --> 00:34:25,692
You know what we call
a turtle, in Londers, bruv?
836
00:34:25,725 --> 00:34:27,292
You know what we call
a turtle there?
837
00:34:27,325 --> 00:34:30,129
We... We call it a hardback.
[chuckles]
838
00:34:30,163 --> 00:34:31,430
Jesus.
839
00:34:32,131 --> 00:34:33,398
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
840
00:34:34,634 --> 00:34:36,468
Hey, I got to go see
a girl about that butt,
841
00:34:36,501 --> 00:34:38,004
you know what I'm saying?
842
00:34:38,037 --> 00:34:41,473
Hey, yo. Hold my shit,
Goldie Locks.
843
00:34:41,506 --> 00:34:45,210
Hey! Don't you want Amiracle,
baby? [indistinct]
844
00:34:46,478 --> 00:34:48,848
Man, that dude has no game.
845
00:34:48,881 --> 00:34:50,817
Wait, does he really
cheat on his wife?
846
00:34:50,850 --> 00:34:52,551
- No.
- He tries, he fails.
847
00:34:52,584 --> 00:34:54,187
Dude, he's so lame...
848
00:34:54,219 --> 00:34:56,989
He be getting banned for that
shit. From all the clubs.
849
00:34:57,023 --> 00:34:59,025
- Wow.
- Yeah, clubs you can't book.
850
00:34:59,058 --> 00:35:01,894
Hey, my potential is like...
unlimited.
851
00:35:01,928 --> 00:35:03,395
- What are you talking about?
- It's totally true.
852
00:35:03,428 --> 00:35:05,031
You know what's not good?
That's shirt he's wearing.
853
00:35:05,064 --> 00:35:06,231
- Yeah, that shirt sucks.
- It's terrible.
854
00:35:06,264 --> 00:35:07,734
It's not a good shirt.
855
00:35:07,767 --> 00:35:09,736
Who picked... Who picked that
for you?
856
00:35:09,769 --> 00:35:11,303
Did you pick that out?
857
00:35:11,336 --> 00:35:13,706
Did you honestly go to Ross
and looked at the shirts
858
00:35:13,740 --> 00:35:15,742
and were like,
"This is the one"?
859
00:35:15,775 --> 00:35:17,744
I actually got this
at a Kmart back home.
860
00:35:17,777 --> 00:35:19,846
Nah, I think he to his
mother's house
861
00:35:19,879 --> 00:35:22,148
and got the tablecloth and cut
that son of a bitch up, huh?
862
00:35:22,181 --> 00:35:23,916
- Yeah, that's what he did.
- I'm sorry dude.
863
00:35:23,950 --> 00:35:25,383
Why can't you be mean
and funny?
864
00:35:25,417 --> 00:35:27,754
- You're just mean.
- Yeah, you are just mean.
865
00:35:27,787 --> 00:35:30,555
- Why can't you be skinny?
- [all laughing]
866
00:35:34,626 --> 00:35:36,662
[loudly sipping]
867
00:35:48,641 --> 00:35:50,676
[loudly sipping]
868
00:35:52,310 --> 00:35:53,512
Ah.
869
00:35:54,113 --> 00:35:56,348
The last two tenants were
heavy hitters.
870
00:35:56,381 --> 00:35:58,251
I'm not sure this is a good
location for you.
871
00:35:58,283 --> 00:36:01,620
I mean, I have clients who own
casinos who want this space.
872
00:36:01,654 --> 00:36:04,090
Cyrus, if I'm so unqualified,
873
00:36:04,123 --> 00:36:05,792
then why'd you even
call me down here?
874
00:36:05,825 --> 00:36:07,126
Look, if I wanted to sell
the space,
875
00:36:07,160 --> 00:36:09,061
I could do it like this today.
876
00:36:09,095 --> 00:36:10,763
I just want you to show me that
you can run
877
00:36:10,797 --> 00:36:12,732
an establishment that
is respectable.
878
00:36:12,765 --> 00:36:14,700
Bomb Shelter's very respectable.
879
00:36:15,735 --> 00:36:17,937
Really? Have you looked at it?
880
00:36:17,970 --> 00:36:20,773
Now imagine that
on the Sunset Strip.
881
00:36:20,807 --> 00:36:22,208
Every time I drive
by your place,
882
00:36:22,241 --> 00:36:23,810
I feel like I need a shower.
883
00:36:23,843 --> 00:36:26,145
Goddamn, the last thing LA
needs is another comedy club.
884
00:36:26,179 --> 00:36:28,815
Man, I'm reinventing
the open mic business.
885
00:36:28,848 --> 00:36:30,549
Yes, you have.
And at $5 a pop,
886
00:36:30,582 --> 00:36:32,151
you are Elon Musk of the valley.
887
00:36:32,185 --> 00:36:34,253
Look, look, I'm
making money, all right?
888
00:36:34,287 --> 00:36:36,722
$300 a day, David.
889
00:36:36,756 --> 00:36:39,292
Look, it'll be more when
I have a bigger space.
890
00:36:39,324 --> 00:36:41,426
And look, no overhead,
no liquor license,
891
00:36:41,459 --> 00:36:44,130
no health department, it's
a low headache for you.
892
00:36:44,163 --> 00:36:46,098
It's a good business.
893
00:36:46,132 --> 00:36:48,000
Okay, fair enough.
I believe you.
894
00:36:48,034 --> 00:36:50,269
But don't tell me this.
Show it to me.
895
00:36:50,303 --> 00:36:52,772
My God, enough
of the ISIS Yoda bullshit.
896
00:36:52,805 --> 00:36:54,439
What are you trying to say?
897
00:36:54,472 --> 00:36:56,108
I'm saying clean it the fuck up.
898
00:36:56,142 --> 00:36:57,777
The place looks
like a disaster zone.
899
00:36:57,810 --> 00:36:59,178
All right, all right,
all right. I'll do it.
900
00:36:59,212 --> 00:37:00,512
I'll clean... I'll clean it up.
901
00:37:00,545 --> 00:37:02,682
But will you promise
to come do a set
902
00:37:02,715 --> 00:37:04,283
in a few weeks to see it?
903
00:37:04,317 --> 00:37:06,118
I know it's been awhile,
but will you come do a set?
904
00:37:06,152 --> 00:37:07,854
Yeah, I haven't done a standup
in years, but I...
905
00:37:07,887 --> 00:37:09,989
- A few weeks, okay.
- I will come.
906
00:37:10,022 --> 00:37:11,858
If you come to the set,
I'll do what you say.
907
00:37:11,891 --> 00:37:14,160
I will clean it up,
I'll do the whole thing.
908
00:37:14,193 --> 00:37:15,594
- Okay.
- Look, I've known you for ten years,
909
00:37:15,628 --> 00:37:17,296
I will... I owe you that
much, so I will come.
910
00:37:17,330 --> 00:37:18,530
Okay, thank you.
911
00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:24,536
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Cyrus, for your big fucking table.
912
00:37:30,676 --> 00:37:32,178
[Arnold groans]
913
00:37:33,045 --> 00:37:35,081
I'm going to get some
food, do you want anything?
914
00:37:35,614 --> 00:37:36,749
Um...
915
00:37:38,684 --> 00:37:40,186
I'm not much of a morning eater.
916
00:37:40,219 --> 00:37:43,155
- That's hard to believe.
- Ow.
917
00:37:43,189 --> 00:37:46,558
Dude, I've got some AC
inside, come in and cool off.
918
00:37:47,193 --> 00:37:48,895
I gotta handle
some stuff first.
919
00:37:48,928 --> 00:37:51,297
What the fuck are you doing?
920
00:37:51,330 --> 00:37:55,201
Some fucking hot yoga?
For Christ's sake!
921
00:37:55,234 --> 00:37:58,905
Get your fucking ass inside!
922
00:37:58,938 --> 00:38:00,505
Okay.
923
00:38:00,538 --> 00:38:03,075
You're no good to me if you're
dead on my lot. Go!
924
00:38:03,109 --> 00:38:05,978
All right. Thank you. Stop.
925
00:38:08,981 --> 00:38:11,483
Please don't ever fucking put your
finger in my belly button again.
926
00:38:11,516 --> 00:38:13,286
- Suck my balls!
- Right.
927
00:38:15,021 --> 00:38:18,190
[upbeat rock music]
♪ Oh, man that was hilarious ♪
928
00:38:18,224 --> 00:38:20,192
♪ You're really funny, I like
That, I like that a lot ♪
929
00:38:20,226 --> 00:38:23,195
♪ Here's the thing,
I do have some notes ♪
930
00:38:23,229 --> 00:38:25,798
♪ I do have some notes,
Okay here... ♪
931
00:38:25,831 --> 00:38:30,303
♪ You don't know me but I
Think you're funny and, uh ♪
932
00:38:30,336 --> 00:38:33,272
♪ If you saw me go up next ♪
933
00:38:33,306 --> 00:38:35,775
♪ Well, you'd see
I'm funny too and ♪
934
00:38:35,808 --> 00:38:40,246
♪ Together me and you
Combined, I think ♪
935
00:38:40,612 --> 00:38:42,281
God!
936
00:38:42,315 --> 00:38:46,018
♪ 'Cause together I think
That we could be funny too ♪
937
00:38:46,052 --> 00:38:48,586
♪ You don't know me
But I think ♪
938
00:38:48,620 --> 00:38:50,890
♪ That we can have potential
Well, more than we ♪
939
00:38:50,923 --> 00:38:52,758
♪ I think our funny
Could have potential ♪
940
00:38:52,792 --> 00:38:54,226
♪ And it would be a
Funny thing 'cause ♪
941
00:38:54,260 --> 00:38:55,861
♪ We could be funny too ♪
942
00:38:55,895 --> 00:38:58,331
♪ And, if you and I combined
Our funny together ♪
943
00:38:58,364 --> 00:39:00,733
♪ It could be a whole
Explosion of funny ♪
944
00:39:00,766 --> 00:39:04,003
♪ Do you know how much
Funny that is man? ♪
945
00:39:04,036 --> 00:39:05,838
♪ We could be funny too ♪
946
00:39:05,871 --> 00:39:09,607
♪ You don't know me but
I think you're funny ♪
947
00:39:09,642 --> 00:39:12,510
♪ And if you saw my funny ♪
948
00:39:12,544 --> 00:39:15,247
♪ Together with you ♪
949
00:39:15,281 --> 00:39:16,849
♪ I just wanted to say
That I don't know ♪
950
00:39:16,882 --> 00:39:19,085
♪ Me and you can combine
Our funnies into one ♪
951
00:39:19,118 --> 00:39:20,419
♪ Did I say that already? ♪
952
00:39:20,453 --> 00:39:24,056
♪ Well, uh ♪
953
00:39:24,090 --> 00:39:27,193
♪ We could be funny too ♪
954
00:39:29,362 --> 00:39:33,699
- [Arnold vocalizing]
- Oh, my God.
955
00:39:34,433 --> 00:39:36,736
- There he is. You're go...
- What's happening?
956
00:39:36,769 --> 00:39:39,338
I'm, well, I'm good.
You're going up again tonight?
957
00:39:39,372 --> 00:39:40,773
Yeah, well, when
you got a hot hand,
958
00:39:40,806 --> 00:39:43,242
- you gotta keep playin' it.
- Very good.
959
00:39:43,275 --> 00:39:44,310
Play on, player.
960
00:39:44,343 --> 00:39:45,411
- Yo, Arnold?
- What?
961
00:39:45,444 --> 00:39:48,014
- Five dollars, man.
- Oh. Here.
962
00:39:48,047 --> 00:39:51,183
Oh yeah. That's probably gonna
be an omen.
963
00:39:51,217 --> 00:39:52,852
- Give me this.
- All right.
964
00:39:52,885 --> 00:39:56,022
Yeah, so the first
person I met in K-Town,
965
00:39:56,055 --> 00:39:57,189
I was like, "Oh,
where you from?"
966
00:39:57,223 --> 00:39:58,924
They were like,
"Oh, South Korea."
967
00:39:58,958 --> 00:40:01,526
I was like, "Oh, is that the
good or the bad one?" [chuckles]
968
00:40:04,463 --> 00:40:05,998
That was beautiful.
that was just about
969
00:40:06,032 --> 00:40:07,933
- as good as it gets.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
970
00:40:07,967 --> 00:40:09,668
Just put me up next.
971
00:40:09,702 --> 00:40:11,170
Where's all this
money coming from?
972
00:40:11,203 --> 00:40:12,537
Just put me up.
973
00:40:12,570 --> 00:40:15,341
Yeah, anyway, I live
in the van next door.
974
00:40:15,374 --> 00:40:19,278
And if the van's ever
a'rockin', don't come a'knockin'
975
00:40:19,311 --> 00:40:22,448
'cause it's just me
naked masturbating.
976
00:40:22,481 --> 00:40:24,450
Uh, okay. Yeah, anyway,
that's my time.
977
00:40:27,420 --> 00:40:28,821
[Dave] Jesus.
978
00:40:28,854 --> 00:40:30,723
You got gambling
debts or something?
979
00:40:30,756 --> 00:40:33,558
The mic's not gonna suck
your wiener, Arnold!
980
00:40:34,427 --> 00:40:35,861
It's a lot like your
girlfriend in that way.
981
00:40:35,895 --> 00:40:37,263
[Arnold] Yeah, thanks, man.
982
00:40:38,596 --> 00:40:42,134
Yeah, so I moved in with
this girl from Mexico
983
00:40:42,168 --> 00:40:45,371
and I'm not sure if this makes
me racist or just stupid,
984
00:40:45,404 --> 00:40:47,473
but I assumed that she
would just wanna cook
985
00:40:47,506 --> 00:40:49,875
and clean for fun. Um...
986
00:40:51,944 --> 00:40:53,079
Uh...
987
00:40:53,879 --> 00:40:58,250
Yeah, uh, fuck it. That's my
time, and fuck relationships.
988
00:40:58,284 --> 00:41:00,920
- Whew! All right, gettin' outta here, big guy.
- All right.
989
00:41:00,953 --> 00:41:02,822
- Enjoy that pizza.
- Thank you.
990
00:41:02,855 --> 00:41:04,757
It's the healthiest thing you've
eaten all day, you piece of shit.
991
00:41:04,790 --> 00:41:08,360
Speaking of terrible.
Big guy, wow!
992
00:41:08,394 --> 00:41:10,362
Boy, that was a hard bomb.
993
00:41:10,396 --> 00:41:12,498
I think it might be time
to think about gettin'
994
00:41:12,531 --> 00:41:15,401
into real estate. What do you
think, big guy? Huh?
995
00:41:15,434 --> 00:41:17,536
It was so bad that
it was actually good.
996
00:41:17,570 --> 00:41:20,005
You should probably film
that and pitch it to Netflix.
997
00:41:20,039 --> 00:41:23,275
'Cause it would be unique
and original content.
998
00:41:23,309 --> 00:41:27,079
Wow, I've never
seen anybody bomb
999
00:41:27,113 --> 00:41:28,948
that many times in a row.
1000
00:41:28,981 --> 00:41:31,050
That was... That was...
That was hard to watch.
1001
00:41:31,083 --> 00:41:34,053
- Yeah.
- Bro, I need a drink for you.
1002
00:41:34,086 --> 00:41:36,589
- You know, I need to forget this shit.
- Mm-hm.
1003
00:41:36,621 --> 00:41:38,090
Shit was terrible.
1004
00:41:38,124 --> 00:41:39,592
Yeah.
1005
00:41:39,624 --> 00:41:40,960
Like bad.
1006
00:41:40,993 --> 00:41:43,095
I need to black out
after watching that.
1007
00:41:43,129 --> 00:41:44,597
You learned
something out of this.
1008
00:41:44,630 --> 00:41:45,798
Yeah.
1009
00:41:45,831 --> 00:41:47,867
Well, I think you did.
And that is?
1010
00:41:47,900 --> 00:41:50,369
- And that is?
- What, what is it?
1011
00:41:50,402 --> 00:41:52,404
- And that is? I'm just kidding.
- Oh my God.
1012
00:41:52,438 --> 00:41:56,442
Look, and that is to never
do that shit again. Ever.
1013
00:41:56,475 --> 00:41:57,977
Or you're gonna end
up like this guy.
1014
00:42:00,513 --> 00:42:02,815
Funny. Very funny.
1015
00:42:02,848 --> 00:42:04,383
Fucking definitely
don't want that.
1016
00:42:04,416 --> 00:42:06,485
I'd rather live in a van
for the rest of my fucking life.
1017
00:42:06,519 --> 00:42:09,455
Do you even pay for that
parking spot?
1018
00:42:09,488 --> 00:42:13,159
My car is fucking
broken down, man. I...
1019
00:42:13,192 --> 00:42:15,427
No, I don't fucking
pay for it, man.
1020
00:42:15,461 --> 00:42:17,129
- His car's broken down...
- Fuck, man!
1021
00:42:17,163 --> 00:42:18,297
Now you're gonna
break his spirit.
1022
00:42:18,330 --> 00:42:19,598
What's wrong with you?
1023
00:42:19,633 --> 00:42:23,302
Bro, he broke my spirit
by me sitting there.
1024
00:42:23,335 --> 00:42:25,437
That shit broke me.
1025
00:42:25,471 --> 00:42:28,841
One person's trash is
another person's treasure.
1026
00:42:28,874 --> 00:42:31,343
Somebody probably
found that funny.
1027
00:42:31,377 --> 00:42:33,679
You know what the problem is?
You're nobody's treasure.
1028
00:42:33,712 --> 00:42:36,348
It's all good, I'm used to
people being jealous of me.
1029
00:42:36,382 --> 00:42:37,850
Jealous of what?
1030
00:42:37,883 --> 00:42:39,285
Dude, I see what you've
done with the place
1031
00:42:39,318 --> 00:42:40,619
and I like it, man!
1032
00:42:40,654 --> 00:42:42,521
Allegiance, ambition!
1033
00:42:42,555 --> 00:42:46,358
Tell you what. Um, you know,
while you're trying to figure out...
1034
00:42:46,392 --> 00:42:48,494
Whatever the hell it is you're
trying to figure out here.
1035
00:42:48,527 --> 00:42:50,863
I was thinking maybe you
could host some mics for me.
1036
00:42:50,896 --> 00:42:52,932
I live in a van, dude.
I should probably get a real job.
1037
00:42:52,965 --> 00:42:54,800
Real job? What the fuck?
1038
00:42:54,833 --> 00:42:57,970
You know how many comedians
would kill to host this mic?
1039
00:42:58,003 --> 00:43:00,172
- A couple?
- Yeah. No!
1040
00:43:00,206 --> 00:43:02,308
Like a lot. Like
thousands of them.
1041
00:43:02,341 --> 00:43:05,377
What do you think, that
I can like pay my bills
1042
00:43:05,411 --> 00:43:08,047
with the money I make
at the gig from the skinny?
1043
00:43:08,080 --> 00:43:10,316
No, look, we all
gotta work, bro.
1044
00:43:10,349 --> 00:43:13,552
Nelly works in an office,
Dante owns his own shop.
1045
00:43:13,586 --> 00:43:14,987
- Dante?
- Yes.
1046
00:43:15,020 --> 00:43:16,656
Tokyo Drift Dante?
1047
00:43:16,690 --> 00:43:17,957
The very Tok... Yes.
1048
00:43:17,990 --> 00:43:19,325
General Tso's Dante?
1049
00:43:19,358 --> 00:43:22,294
The fat Asian catfish,
Dante. Yes.
1050
00:43:22,328 --> 00:43:24,797
- Dante who ate the bat, Dante.
- Patient zero, yes.
1051
00:43:24,830 --> 00:43:27,634
Oh my God. I thought he made
a fucking living off of comedy.
1052
00:43:27,667 --> 00:43:30,035
Well he does, but he
also has a wife and a kid
1053
00:43:30,069 --> 00:43:32,137
and how stupid would he
be to put all of his eggs
1054
00:43:32,171 --> 00:43:34,073
in a basket as frail as
standup comedy, okay?
1055
00:43:34,106 --> 00:43:35,975
- Wow.
- All right, yeah man, we all gotta work.
1056
00:43:36,008 --> 00:43:37,409
It's the way it is.
1057
00:43:37,443 --> 00:43:40,012
You know, nobody's...
Chris Rock after one month.
1058
00:43:40,045 --> 00:43:42,481
So, you know, call some names.
1059
00:43:43,782 --> 00:43:46,485
Take the money, and you'll
be rich in no time.
1060
00:43:48,053 --> 00:43:49,255
- Okay, all right.
- Yes!
1061
00:43:49,288 --> 00:43:51,557
I'll do it under
one condition.
1062
00:43:51,590 --> 00:43:53,025
I'm not doing any
fucking standup.
1063
00:43:53,058 --> 00:43:55,427
Oh my God, and you'd
be doing us all a favor.
1064
00:43:55,461 --> 00:43:56,929
- All right, very nice.
- Wow, thanks.
1065
00:43:56,962 --> 00:43:59,531
- All right, can I go to my home now?
- Don't get lost.
1066
00:43:59,565 --> 00:44:00,734
Thanks, man.
1067
00:44:16,248 --> 00:44:18,517
[soft music]
1068
00:44:38,971 --> 00:44:41,006
[phone ringing]
1069
00:44:54,286 --> 00:44:56,790
Bomb Shelter, this is Arnold.
1070
00:44:56,822 --> 00:44:58,658
[woman] Hi, is Dave available?
1071
00:44:58,692 --> 00:45:00,993
Uh, yeah, no. Dave won't
be in until later tonight.
1072
00:45:01,026 --> 00:45:02,729
Can I, uh, take a message?
1073
00:45:02,762 --> 00:45:05,799
Yes, actually.
This is his ex, Sabrina...
1074
00:45:05,831 --> 00:45:08,802
- Oh. Hi. And he's been
ignoring my calls for weeks.
1075
00:45:08,834 --> 00:45:10,670
- Um, I need you to tell him that I'm moving soon
- Yeah.
1076
00:45:10,704 --> 00:45:12,471
and I have a bunch of his stuff
in storage
1077
00:45:12,504 --> 00:45:14,273
that he refuses to pick up.
1078
00:45:14,306 --> 00:45:17,576
I think this is kind of above
my pay grade, lady. Uh, you...
1079
00:45:17,609 --> 00:45:19,311
Tell him to call me
and pick it up.
1080
00:45:19,345 --> 00:45:22,448
If he doesn't get it before
I move, I'm throwing it away.
1081
00:45:22,481 --> 00:45:23,849
Uhhh...
1082
00:45:24,684 --> 00:45:26,720
Uh, ye... Uh, okay.
1083
00:45:26,753 --> 00:45:28,688
- Oh, wait.
- Yes?
1084
00:45:28,722 --> 00:45:30,856
If he doesn't grab it,
can I have his stuff?
1085
00:45:32,991 --> 00:45:34,193
Hello?
1086
00:45:35,361 --> 00:45:37,196
What's the perks
of living in a van?
1087
00:45:37,229 --> 00:45:39,031
Oh, low rent. [mimics chuckling]
1088
00:45:39,064 --> 00:45:41,433
That's fucking funny,
you stupid fuck!
1089
00:45:42,401 --> 00:45:44,436
[growling] You fucking idiot.
1090
00:45:45,404 --> 00:45:48,440
Van. How many fucking
fat-boy-van-fucking
1091
00:45:48,474 --> 00:45:50,710
jokes can I fucking do?
1092
00:45:50,744 --> 00:45:53,112
Nothing, you fucking loser!
1093
00:45:53,145 --> 00:45:56,915
Your parents hate you,
you're a fucking loser.
1094
00:46:13,532 --> 00:46:14,701
Yo.
1095
00:46:14,734 --> 00:46:15,901
Hey, guys.
1096
00:46:15,934 --> 00:46:17,603
- [Nelly] Hey.
- Hey, wow. Um...
1097
00:46:18,337 --> 00:46:20,105
why you so serious, bro?
1098
00:46:21,273 --> 00:46:22,709
Your rent go up?
1099
00:46:22,742 --> 00:46:24,744
I'd always worn out
my fucking welcome
1100
00:46:24,778 --> 00:46:26,311
everywhere I've ever been.
1101
00:46:26,345 --> 00:46:28,882
Family, friends, girlfriend.
1102
00:46:28,914 --> 00:46:33,385
And it wasn't until I got
on this fucking stage
1103
00:46:33,419 --> 00:46:37,423
here of all fucking places that
I actually felt like I was home.
1104
00:46:37,456 --> 00:46:38,725
So, uh...
1105
00:46:39,759 --> 00:46:43,162
The stage... feels like a van?
1106
00:46:43,195 --> 00:46:45,865
[laughter]
1107
00:46:45,899 --> 00:46:47,867
Yeah. Yeah, it fucking does.
1108
00:46:47,901 --> 00:46:50,169
All right... I've had
enough of story time.
1109
00:46:50,202 --> 00:46:52,171
Someone else story time.
1110
00:46:52,204 --> 00:46:54,741
Let's go. All right, bring
it up for your next guest.
1111
00:46:54,774 --> 00:46:56,074
- I will...
- Fuck you. Fuck you.
1112
00:46:56,108 --> 00:46:57,409
I will gladly follow that.
1113
00:46:57,443 --> 00:46:59,879
[Nelly] We love you. Not.
1114
00:46:59,913 --> 00:47:01,681
That was... That was beautiful.
1115
00:47:02,281 --> 00:47:03,750
[rapid breaths]
1116
00:47:06,552 --> 00:47:07,787
[sharp exhale]
1117
00:47:08,387 --> 00:47:09,521
[giggle]
1118
00:47:10,255 --> 00:47:13,091
Uh... Damn! No, my bad.
1119
00:47:13,125 --> 00:47:14,694
You know I was just playing
with you, bro.
1120
00:47:14,727 --> 00:47:16,763
It's like... I... feel you
on that shit.
1121
00:47:16,796 --> 00:47:19,264
This, the life of a comedian...
1122
00:47:19,298 --> 00:47:21,400
ain't that motherfucking funny.
1123
00:47:21,433 --> 00:47:23,469
[Arnold chuckles]
1124
00:47:23,502 --> 00:47:27,206
And then you get that...
I don't...
1125
00:47:27,239 --> 00:47:31,276
chance to make someone... laugh.
1126
00:47:31,310 --> 00:47:35,614
That shit... that shit is
addicting, and then you just
1127
00:47:35,648 --> 00:47:38,217
kinda continue to
chase that high.
1128
00:47:38,250 --> 00:47:39,652
Are you high right now?
1129
00:47:39,686 --> 00:47:41,320
- [Nelly] Okay.
- [Arnold] Get off stage.
1130
00:47:41,353 --> 00:47:44,623
- Story time's over. Thank you.
- Thank you, Dr. Devontae.
1131
00:47:44,657 --> 00:47:46,058
That's enough.
1132
00:47:46,091 --> 00:47:47,993
[Arnold laughs]
1133
00:47:49,261 --> 00:47:52,832
All right, tell
us why you are sad.
1134
00:47:52,866 --> 00:47:55,300
Oh wait, and why you don't like
girls that are hotter than you.
1135
00:47:55,334 --> 00:47:57,770
[groans] Okay,
first, that's impossible
1136
00:47:57,804 --> 00:48:00,172
'cause ain't nobody
hotter than me. All right?
1137
00:48:00,205 --> 00:48:02,574
Second, I'm not sad.
1138
00:48:02,608 --> 00:48:06,345
LA girls just remind me of my
dance team back in college.
1139
00:48:06,378 --> 00:48:08,781
Yes, I came here
from Brooklyn to dance.
1140
00:48:08,815 --> 00:48:11,450
You were a fucking
dancer? Like a real girl?
1141
00:48:11,483 --> 00:48:13,853
Yeah. I didn't always
look like a plumber
1142
00:48:13,887 --> 00:48:15,354
from the Great Depression.
1143
00:48:15,387 --> 00:48:17,022
I'm actually hot shit.
1144
00:48:17,055 --> 00:48:18,758
- Yeah, you are.
- Steamin' shit.
1145
00:48:18,791 --> 00:48:20,827
Man, it was just
a culture shock.
1146
00:48:20,860 --> 00:48:24,329
Everybody here is a model
or an actress,
1147
00:48:24,363 --> 00:48:27,299
or some type of fucking special.
1148
00:48:27,332 --> 00:48:31,503
I didn't look like
Barbie, but I could dance.
1149
00:48:31,537 --> 00:48:34,540
And I was really close
with my team too.
1150
00:48:34,573 --> 00:48:37,844
Until our senior showcase.
Our costumes came in
1151
00:48:37,877 --> 00:48:41,014
and mine wouldn't even
stretch up past my knees.
1152
00:48:41,046 --> 00:48:42,782
Some of these
bitches got together
1153
00:48:42,815 --> 00:48:45,484
and they changed my measurements
as a fucked-up prank.
1154
00:48:45,517 --> 00:48:47,119
- Oh my God.
- I see, yo. That's...
1155
00:48:47,152 --> 00:48:50,122
Right, so no costume
and no choice
1156
00:48:50,155 --> 00:48:52,558
but to back out of the show.
1157
00:48:52,591 --> 00:48:54,961
Now I just feel like every
bitch out here is someone
1158
00:48:54,994 --> 00:48:57,730
from my team pretending
to be nice to me.
1159
00:48:58,831 --> 00:49:00,198
That's it, that's my story.
1160
00:49:00,232 --> 00:49:01,400
[Arnold] Fuck.
1161
00:49:01,433 --> 00:49:02,902
Yo, that's actually...
that's sad.
1162
00:49:02,936 --> 00:49:04,904
That's as sad as
Arnold being too scared
1163
00:49:04,938 --> 00:49:06,138
to get back on the stage.
1164
00:49:06,171 --> 00:49:07,674
That's... You're probably
more sad though.
1165
00:49:07,707 --> 00:49:09,174
[Devontae] Probably more sad
than her story about
1166
00:49:09,207 --> 00:49:10,710
- the girls attacking her.
- Way more sad.
1167
00:49:10,743 --> 00:49:12,679
There's only so many
fucking jokes I could write
1168
00:49:12,712 --> 00:49:14,413
about living in a fucking van.
1169
00:49:14,446 --> 00:49:16,281
Arnold, you're heartbroken.
1170
00:49:16,315 --> 00:49:18,751
And you live by a fucking
dumpster.
1171
00:49:18,785 --> 00:49:20,653
I would give anything to have
1172
00:49:20,687 --> 00:49:22,755
that fresh hurt
again, all right?
1173
00:49:22,789 --> 00:49:25,725
So how do you turn
fresh hurt into a joke?
1174
00:49:25,758 --> 00:49:27,125
[sighs] You have to.
1175
00:49:27,894 --> 00:49:29,394
It's how we survive.
1176
00:49:29,428 --> 00:49:31,698
No, I mean how do you
actually...
1177
00:49:31,731 --> 00:49:34,399
write it? But... [laughs]
1178
00:49:34,433 --> 00:49:35,935
- Damn, that was fucking...
- That was on point.
1179
00:49:35,969 --> 00:49:37,904
- That was deep.
- [Nelly] Right?
1180
00:49:37,937 --> 00:49:40,572
Just gotta grow a pair
and face your shame.
1181
00:49:40,606 --> 00:49:42,107
[Arnold groans]
1182
00:49:42,140 --> 00:49:44,109
Listen, if you don't go
up on that stage again,
1183
00:49:44,142 --> 00:49:46,178
everything your parents,
1184
00:49:46,211 --> 00:49:50,482
or your ex ever said
about you is true.
1185
00:49:56,421 --> 00:49:58,457
Let's uh, let's get the next
comic up.
1186
00:49:58,490 --> 00:50:01,094
It's gonna be um...
Just Kyle.
1187
00:50:01,126 --> 00:50:03,863
you know what? Fuck Just Kyle.
I actually got some shit to say tonight.
1188
00:50:03,896 --> 00:50:05,031
I think back to the first day
1189
00:50:05,064 --> 00:50:06,966
that I got my first porno mag.
1190
00:50:07,000 --> 00:50:09,969
I'm from Ohio, there's just...
open nothing everywhere.
1191
00:50:10,003 --> 00:50:11,470
So I run three miles in the back
1192
00:50:11,503 --> 00:50:14,239
and I found a spot by
a tree, I was like...
1193
00:50:14,272 --> 00:50:16,208
Yo Arnold, I need to
holler at you for a second.
1194
00:50:16,241 --> 00:50:19,045
Yo, Amir. Meet me
in my office, dude.
1195
00:50:20,245 --> 00:50:21,446
The dumpster?
1196
00:50:21,480 --> 00:50:23,215
You want me to meet
you at the dumpster?
1197
00:50:25,584 --> 00:50:28,320
Hey! Knock, knock, motherfucker.
1198
00:50:28,353 --> 00:50:30,322
Your office is locked.
1199
00:50:30,355 --> 00:50:31,490
Wrap it up, man.
1200
00:50:31,523 --> 00:50:32,992
Fuck, dude, what?
1201
00:50:33,026 --> 00:50:36,129
Hey, my band's kinda
tied up doing other stuff.
1202
00:50:36,161 --> 00:50:38,798
I could really use a roadie
for my show tomorrow.
1203
00:50:38,831 --> 00:50:41,233
- I'm auditioning for this guy.
- Yeah, that sounds really cool.
1204
00:50:41,266 --> 00:50:43,069
But why can't you fucking ask
one of the other guys to do it?
1205
00:50:43,102 --> 00:50:44,603
What, you got something
else better to do?
1206
00:50:44,637 --> 00:50:47,006
It's not like you're writing
jokes. I've seen your set.
1207
00:50:47,040 --> 00:50:50,076
Look, at least you'll
be in a vehicle that moves.
1208
00:50:50,109 --> 00:50:52,011
- Awesome.
- All right.
1209
00:50:52,045 --> 00:50:53,378
See you tomorrow at ten?
1210
00:50:55,648 --> 00:50:56,683
- Fine.
- Nah, nah, nevermind.
1211
00:50:56,716 --> 00:50:58,583
Okay, cool, great, yeah.
1212
00:51:01,654 --> 00:51:03,956
"Guided meditation,
release anger."
1213
00:51:03,990 --> 00:51:06,693
[guide] Life can
certainly be difficult.
1214
00:51:06,726 --> 00:51:08,193
- Oh, Dave.
- And keeping our emotions
1215
00:51:08,226 --> 00:51:10,328
- Super cute, right?
- in check can seem...
1216
00:51:10,362 --> 00:51:11,496
Frustrating.
1217
00:51:11,530 --> 00:51:14,399
Oh, you're totally not
doing this right.
1218
00:51:14,433 --> 00:51:16,069
- Okay,
In a moment...
1219
00:51:16,102 --> 00:51:17,436
- I'm getting out of here.
- The music will change.
1220
00:51:17,469 --> 00:51:19,038
Line up.
1221
00:51:19,072 --> 00:51:21,040
[shouts] No dick-fucking around!
This is a place of business!
1222
00:51:21,074 --> 00:51:22,274
Fuck!
1223
00:51:25,645 --> 00:51:26,913
My God.
1224
00:51:29,247 --> 00:51:30,817
- Amir.
- Good to see you.
1225
00:51:30,850 --> 00:51:32,317
- Thank you for coming.
- Yeah. Thanks for having us.
1226
00:51:32,350 --> 00:51:34,286
- [man] Come on in.
- [Arnold] Hey, what's up man?
1227
00:51:34,319 --> 00:51:36,122
- Come on in.
- All right.
1228
00:51:36,155 --> 00:51:38,057
- This place is nice.
- Do you want anything to drink?
1229
00:51:38,091 --> 00:51:39,692
Nah, nah, it's okay.
1230
00:51:39,726 --> 00:51:41,526
Have a seat, set up in here.
1231
00:51:44,229 --> 00:51:45,497
I'm Arnold.
1232
00:51:45,530 --> 00:51:47,066
You don't have to plug
that in, by the way.
1233
00:51:47,100 --> 00:51:48,634
Oh. I mean, are you sure?
1234
00:51:48,668 --> 00:51:50,136
'Cause, I mean I can
plug it in and...
1235
00:51:50,169 --> 00:51:52,038
No, no, no.
I want to hear you.
1236
00:51:52,071 --> 00:51:54,807
All right, I'll just...
start playing.
1237
00:51:54,841 --> 00:51:56,142
It's called, "For You."
1238
00:51:56,175 --> 00:51:57,442
[Arnold chuckles]
1239
00:52:02,081 --> 00:52:06,085
When I was in high school,
I got fired from KFC.
1240
00:52:06,551 --> 00:52:07,720
Um...
1241
00:52:08,253 --> 00:52:12,825
I... stuck my dick in the mashed
potatoes and put corn on it
1242
00:52:12,859 --> 00:52:16,428
and... turned it into a little
tiny corn on the cob.
1243
00:52:16,461 --> 00:52:19,832
And my crush was there
getting a value meal
1244
00:52:19,866 --> 00:52:22,869
and she saw my
tiny corncob dick,
1245
00:52:22,902 --> 00:52:26,172
and didn't go to prom with
me because she saw that
1246
00:52:26,205 --> 00:52:27,907
And she told everyone
in high school.
1247
00:52:27,940 --> 00:52:30,877
And then my parents found
out, and my dad sat me down
1248
00:52:30,910 --> 00:52:33,045
and told me he has
a corncob dick too.
1249
00:52:33,079 --> 00:52:35,380
And I shouldn't
feel bad about it.
1250
00:52:35,413 --> 00:52:37,884
And then it made me feel
bad that it's genetic
1251
00:52:37,917 --> 00:52:40,418
and there's nothing I can
do about my corncob dick.
1252
00:52:40,452 --> 00:52:43,856
But I just need to let go
of it and accept the fact
1253
00:52:43,890 --> 00:52:47,359
that I am... I'm the Corncob
Kid, and that's just who I am.
1254
00:52:47,392 --> 00:52:48,560
I'm ready whenever
you're ready.
1255
00:52:48,593 --> 00:52:50,362
Ready? Okay.
1256
00:53:04,076 --> 00:53:07,412
♪ I'd swim through oceans
With sharks at my shadow ♪
1257
00:53:07,445 --> 00:53:11,117
♪ I'd pierce the heart
Of a million in battle ♪
1258
00:53:11,150 --> 00:53:14,120
♪ I'd give my eyes and
Go blind so you'd see ♪
1259
00:53:14,153 --> 00:53:18,024
♪ Just to be close to you ♪
1260
00:53:18,057 --> 00:53:21,260
♪ You used to laugh at my
Socks with the sandals ♪
1261
00:53:21,294 --> 00:53:24,596
♪ I used to hate when you'd
Flip through the channels ♪
1262
00:53:24,630 --> 00:53:29,802
♪ We used to dream 'bout our
Life and our travels, yeah ♪
1263
00:53:30,236 --> 00:53:31,871
♪ Yeah ♪
1264
00:53:31,904 --> 00:53:36,142
♪ I would trade it all ♪
1265
00:53:36,175 --> 00:53:39,145
♪ For you ♪
1266
00:53:39,178 --> 00:53:42,114
♪ I would give my all ♪
1267
00:53:42,148 --> 00:53:45,251
♪ For you, for you,
For you, for you ♪
1268
00:53:45,284 --> 00:53:49,088
♪ For you, for you,
For you ♪
1269
00:53:58,998 --> 00:54:02,101
[light upbeat music]
1270
00:54:04,237 --> 00:54:06,371
Dude. Fuck was that?
1271
00:54:06,404 --> 00:54:09,407
You were like a real fucking
human being in there.
1272
00:54:11,376 --> 00:54:13,312
Listen, man, I don't mind being
1273
00:54:13,346 --> 00:54:15,948
your little fucking errand boy
'cause you're too chicken shit
1274
00:54:15,982 --> 00:54:17,482
to let any of the
other guys see you
1275
00:54:17,515 --> 00:54:19,952
for like who you really
are, but some advice...
1276
00:54:20,820 --> 00:54:22,487
Uh, if you mean what you
just sang in there,
1277
00:54:22,520 --> 00:54:24,657
then everything you
got going on outside
1278
00:54:24,690 --> 00:54:26,491
of comedy is a
fucking privilege.
1279
00:54:26,524 --> 00:54:28,194
Yeah, whatever, man,
just load the shit up.
1280
00:54:31,396 --> 00:54:32,597
You hear me?
1281
00:54:33,565 --> 00:54:35,201
The fuck man? Wait,
1282
00:54:35,234 --> 00:54:36,969
just 'cause you heard my
song, you think you know me?
1283
00:54:37,003 --> 00:54:38,371
You think you got
all the answers now?
1284
00:54:38,403 --> 00:54:40,339
You don't know my
relationship. You don't know.
1285
00:54:40,373 --> 00:54:42,642
Okay, I may not know
your fucking relationship,
1286
00:54:42,675 --> 00:54:44,310
but I know that you got
a fucking choice, right?
1287
00:54:44,343 --> 00:54:46,379
Like you had a choice
when you got kicked out?
1288
00:54:46,411 --> 00:54:48,714
Started mooching off
everybody, living in a van
1289
00:54:48,748 --> 00:54:51,117
like some motherfucking
white Tyler Perry and shit?
1290
00:54:52,251 --> 00:54:53,819
Fuck! Jesus Cr...
1291
00:54:54,854 --> 00:54:55,988
I've never punched...
1292
00:54:57,290 --> 00:54:58,456
Tyler who?
1293
00:54:59,457 --> 00:55:02,594
Just get in the fucking
car, man. Jesus Christ.
1294
00:55:04,596 --> 00:55:08,000
One day, I went
to go see my friend.
1295
00:55:08,034 --> 00:55:09,335
He worked at the sex shop.
1296
00:55:10,602 --> 00:55:15,241
Upon my arrival, he was stocking
these dildos on the wall.
1297
00:55:15,274 --> 00:55:16,943
I looked closer at these dildos.
1298
00:55:16,976 --> 00:55:19,544
They had a sticker on it
that said, "Thin Cock."
1299
00:55:19,577 --> 00:55:21,280
And I was like,
1300
00:55:21,314 --> 00:55:22,848
"If that's thin cock,
1301
00:55:24,650 --> 00:55:28,888
I'm in deep shit!"
[whimpers]
1302
00:55:28,921 --> 00:55:30,389
How do you exhale that out?
1303
00:55:30,423 --> 00:55:31,958
How do you do that?
1304
00:55:31,991 --> 00:55:35,560
Oh God! Oh God,
my foot's asleep!
1305
00:55:35,593 --> 00:55:36,862
It's a bad one.
1306
00:55:38,097 --> 00:55:41,434
My foot feels like...
just a bunch of jelly.
1307
00:55:43,269 --> 00:55:46,205
Oh God, it's so deep.
1308
00:55:52,111 --> 00:55:55,547
[mouthing]
1309
00:56:03,122 --> 00:56:04,622
Did everybody Venmo?
1310
00:56:05,490 --> 00:56:07,326
Who didn't Venmo?
1311
00:56:07,360 --> 00:56:09,128
[Griff] I used Cash App.
1312
00:56:10,696 --> 00:56:14,867
All right. As long as
you Venmoed, it's fine.
1313
00:56:35,955 --> 00:56:38,691
- Ow! What the fuck?
- That's for Tyler Perry, bitch.
1314
00:56:43,528 --> 00:56:45,931
I got a call from some chick
who said she was...
1315
00:56:45,965 --> 00:56:47,500
your ex, named Sabrina or
something.
1316
00:56:47,532 --> 00:56:50,535
- Oh, yeah, don't worry about that. Just...
- Okay, cool.
1317
00:56:50,568 --> 00:56:52,371
She said that she
wanted me to tell you
1318
00:56:52,405 --> 00:56:54,273
to fucking call her back so you
can go pick up your shit.
1319
00:56:54,306 --> 00:56:57,109
Dude, it's literally irrelevant,
don't worry about it.
1320
00:56:57,143 --> 00:56:59,945
There's no rat... Just keep
doing what you're doing.
1321
00:56:59,979 --> 00:57:02,681
Why wouldn't I fucking tell
you that?
1322
00:57:02,715 --> 00:57:05,885
Oh my God! Nico, you
scared the crap out of me.
1323
00:57:05,918 --> 00:57:08,454
How's my favorite
juvenile landlord doing?
1324
00:57:08,487 --> 00:57:11,190
What horrible news are
you bringing to me today?
1325
00:57:11,223 --> 00:57:13,025
Listen, man, we're having people
1326
00:57:13,059 --> 00:57:14,794
that want to buy the property.
1327
00:57:14,827 --> 00:57:16,996
They want to come in,
and they want to renovate everything.
1328
00:57:17,029 --> 00:57:18,898
That's great! And then
I never have
1329
00:57:18,931 --> 00:57:20,032
to see you again on top of that?
1330
00:57:20,066 --> 00:57:21,901
- Guess so, yeah.
- That's amazing.
1331
00:57:21,934 --> 00:57:24,136
The thing is, though,
we gotta raise your rent.
1332
00:57:24,170 --> 00:57:25,471
[hesitates]
1333
00:57:25,504 --> 00:57:26,872
Well, by how much?
1334
00:57:26,906 --> 00:57:28,908
- Double.
- Jesus! When?
1335
00:57:28,941 --> 00:57:31,177
With a $15,000 deposit.
1336
00:57:31,210 --> 00:57:33,212
Jesus Christ, by when?
1337
00:57:33,245 --> 00:57:35,247
End of the month.
1338
00:57:35,281 --> 00:57:37,917
You can't just come in here
and drop all of that
1339
00:57:37,950 --> 00:57:41,320
on me with a 30-day notice.
It's absolutely ridiculous.
1340
00:57:41,353 --> 00:57:42,988
It's surely illegal.
1341
00:57:43,022 --> 00:57:46,392
Dude, you have people
outside sleeping in their van,
1342
00:57:46,425 --> 00:57:48,427
fucking by the dumpsters,
pissing outside,
1343
00:57:48,461 --> 00:57:50,362
jerking off in
their fucking cars.
1344
00:57:50,396 --> 00:57:51,497
What do you expect?
1345
00:57:51,530 --> 00:57:52,932
They're in the car.
1346
00:57:53,598 --> 00:57:55,434
[scoffs] Goddammit.
1347
00:57:55,468 --> 00:57:57,203
This is a very
respectable establishment.
1348
00:57:57,236 --> 00:57:58,704
- [electricity buzzes]
- Oh!
1349
00:57:58,737 --> 00:58:02,575
- Fuck! [groaning]
- Yeah, okay.
1350
00:58:02,607 --> 00:58:05,444
Here's the paperwork.
have a good one.
1351
00:58:05,478 --> 00:58:07,513
- Yeah, thanks a lot. I'll have a great one, Nico.
- [Arnold] Dave.
1352
00:58:07,546 --> 00:58:10,249
Tell your dad to go fuck himself.
What do you want?
1353
00:58:10,282 --> 00:58:12,985
- Dave, I need your help.
- You're fine.
1354
00:58:13,552 --> 00:58:16,388
[man] Sup. You guys got any
spots open for the 10 O'clock?
1355
00:58:16,422 --> 00:58:19,024
Uh, no, we're... Actually we're totally
booked for the rest of the night.
1356
00:58:19,058 --> 00:58:20,593
Fuck you guys.
1357
00:58:21,127 --> 00:58:22,761
- Jesus Christ.
- That was fucking rude.
1358
00:58:23,662 --> 00:58:25,898
- Oh my God.
- What if we put up a fucking tent
1359
00:58:25,931 --> 00:58:28,067
and we can send people like that
to fucking...
1360
00:58:28,100 --> 00:58:30,536
work in it right next to it.
That'd be kind of tight.
1361
00:58:30,569 --> 00:58:32,371
Arnold, my business
is about to collapse.
1362
00:58:32,404 --> 00:58:35,374
I don't need you dick-fucking
around with me right now.
1363
00:58:35,407 --> 00:58:39,278
Actually, dude, you turn
people away all the fucking time
1364
00:58:39,311 --> 00:58:40,880
'cause you're so busy.
1365
00:58:40,913 --> 00:58:43,916
What if you actually
set up a fucking tent
1366
00:58:43,949 --> 00:58:45,584
and held mics in it?
1367
00:58:45,618 --> 00:58:48,287
Oh my fucking God,
1368
00:58:48,320 --> 00:58:50,256
if you fucking build it,
1369
00:58:50,289 --> 00:58:53,325
they will fucking come, baby!
1370
00:58:53,359 --> 00:58:55,227
- Two mics at the same time.
- Yes! Fucking...
1371
00:58:55,261 --> 00:58:57,396
- More mics, more money, more business!
- Yes! Yes!
1372
00:58:57,429 --> 00:58:59,098
- Bomb Shelters everywhere!
- Gimme that dick!
1373
00:58:59,131 --> 00:59:00,432
[both grunting]
1374
00:59:00,466 --> 00:59:02,334
- No, no. Go in, go in.
- In.
1375
00:59:02,368 --> 00:59:07,339
[both] Ooh, ahh, ooh, aah...
Two mics, same time.
1376
00:59:07,373 --> 00:59:09,141
[light music]
1377
00:59:09,175 --> 00:59:12,411
Yo, great set, guys.
Come on. Hey, in or out?
1378
00:59:12,444 --> 00:59:14,613
Good job, Rob.
Just go, thank you.
1379
00:59:14,648 --> 00:59:17,716
- Hey, what's up man? What's your name?
- Uh, what?
1380
00:59:17,750 --> 00:59:19,685
[softly] Just say your name.
There's a bunch of people behind you.
1381
00:59:19,718 --> 00:59:21,253
-Okay, yeah, yeah, Devontae.
1382
00:59:21,287 --> 00:59:23,489
Devontae, you're
in the main room.
1383
00:59:23,522 --> 00:59:26,125
- Thank you, sir.
- Pay Dave. Pay Dave $5.
1384
00:59:26,158 --> 00:59:27,626
- Hey, what's your name?
- My name's Justin.
1385
00:59:27,661 --> 00:59:29,161
- Main room. Five bucks. Dave.
- All right, thank you.
1386
00:59:29,195 --> 00:59:30,329
Cyrus Jay.
1387
00:59:30,362 --> 00:59:33,165
Cyrus Jay, Cyrus
Jay. Oh, right,
1388
00:59:33,199 --> 00:59:34,466
you're actually in
the tent tonight.
1389
00:59:34,500 --> 00:59:35,669
The what?
1390
00:59:35,701 --> 00:59:37,937
The tent.
Right around the corner.
1391
00:59:37,970 --> 00:59:39,371
Dave says this is the
improved Bomb Shelter.
1392
00:59:39,405 --> 00:59:40,873
Why are we going to tent?
1393
00:59:40,906 --> 00:59:43,677
Well, this is, but we're full.
Grand opening tonight.
1394
00:59:43,709 --> 00:59:45,477
You probably signed up
for the wrong one online,
1395
00:59:45,511 --> 00:59:47,613
- but the tent's right over here.
- All right.
1396
00:59:47,647 --> 00:59:49,649
- Let's go make the best of a shitty situation.
- Okay.
1397
00:59:49,683 --> 00:59:50,849
Do you have your five bucks?
1398
00:59:51,651 --> 00:59:52,751
Yeah.
1399
00:59:53,653 --> 00:59:55,321
All right. Everyone
give it up.
1400
00:59:55,354 --> 00:59:57,189
Cyrus, really funny guy
coming to the stage.
1401
00:59:57,223 --> 00:59:58,692
- Come on, Cyrus!
- [applause]
1402
00:59:58,724 --> 01:00:00,893
- [Griff] Miley, Cyrus!
- [cheering]
1403
01:00:04,096 --> 01:00:06,432
[ominous music]
1404
01:00:08,067 --> 01:00:10,869
Yes, my name is Cyrus
and I'm from Iran.
1405
01:00:10,903 --> 01:00:14,406
- Thank you for not calling Homeland Security.
- [laughter]
1406
01:00:14,440 --> 01:00:17,476
You know, with this
light beaming upon me,
1407
01:00:17,509 --> 01:00:22,147
the disgusting stench of
death poisoning our insides,
1408
01:00:22,181 --> 01:00:24,049
this reminds me
of tents in Iran.
1409
01:00:24,083 --> 01:00:25,719
Only thing missing is the cries
1410
01:00:25,751 --> 01:00:28,187
of children being tortured
as we fall asleep.
1411
01:00:28,220 --> 01:00:29,922
[slight laughing]
1412
01:00:29,955 --> 01:00:32,191
- [Dave] What do you think?
- Eh, my set could have gone better.
1413
01:00:32,224 --> 01:00:35,561
- Not your set. The place, bro, the fucking place, man!
- Aha, oh.
1414
01:00:35,594 --> 01:00:37,563
- Well, you definitely built something here.
- Yeah.
1415
01:00:37,596 --> 01:00:39,666
I don't know what it is, but
you definitely built something.
1416
01:00:39,699 --> 01:00:42,501
This, this looks
fucking fantastic.
1417
01:00:42,534 --> 01:00:45,571
But this... I wish you did not
show this to me, or anyone.
1418
01:00:45,604 --> 01:00:47,506
You must burn this tent at once.
1419
01:00:47,539 --> 01:00:49,375
You put him in the tent?
1420
01:00:49,408 --> 01:00:51,110
- I...
- [grunting]
1421
01:00:51,143 --> 01:00:53,212
You were not supposed
to see the tent, Cyrus.
1422
01:00:53,245 --> 01:00:55,180
We just got so busy,
we had to do something.
1423
01:00:55,214 --> 01:00:56,515
But that's the point, man.
1424
01:00:56,548 --> 01:00:59,184
Look at how many people
are freaking here, man.
1425
01:00:59,218 --> 01:01:01,954
Yes, you have turned
a shit hole into a shit store.
1426
01:01:01,987 --> 01:01:03,757
Yeah, franchise, baby.
What do you think
1427
01:01:03,789 --> 01:01:05,759
I'm trying to do
here, Cyrus, come on.
1428
01:01:05,791 --> 01:01:06,959
Okay, give me a couple of days.
1429
01:01:06,992 --> 01:01:08,527
Let me think about it, okay?
1430
01:01:08,560 --> 01:01:10,764
First I have to go home and
wash the AIDS off my skin
1431
01:01:10,796 --> 01:01:12,097
from this tent, okay?
1432
01:01:12,131 --> 01:01:14,266
But congratulations on this.
1433
01:01:14,300 --> 01:01:16,535
Al-Qaeda would be
proud of you, okay?
1434
01:01:19,639 --> 01:01:21,206
[soft music]
1435
01:01:21,240 --> 01:01:23,042
Cyrus! Cyrus, bro.
1436
01:01:23,075 --> 01:01:24,276
Listen, I gotta be
honest with you.
1437
01:01:24,310 --> 01:01:25,577
My landlord is really trying
1438
01:01:25,611 --> 01:01:27,246
to fuck me out of this place
right now
1439
01:01:27,279 --> 01:01:28,947
and I just need you to
hold the Sunset location
1440
01:01:28,981 --> 01:01:30,784
for me for a couple
more months, that's it.
1441
01:01:30,816 --> 01:01:32,818
If you cannot make this
business, you have to let it go.
1442
01:01:32,851 --> 01:01:36,088
No... God, listen. I just need
a little bit more time.
1443
01:01:36,121 --> 01:01:37,589
It's all I have.
1444
01:01:37,623 --> 01:01:39,892
David John, maybe
it's time to move on.
1445
01:01:39,925 --> 01:01:41,960
You have been running
Bomb Shelter for years
1446
01:01:41,994 --> 01:01:43,663
and you are barely surviving.
1447
01:01:43,697 --> 01:01:45,331
You're dealing with
these open-micers.
1448
01:01:45,364 --> 01:01:47,767
They're trying to fuck
you from every angle.
1449
01:01:47,801 --> 01:01:50,836
You're a hard worker, do
something better, fuck this.
1450
01:01:51,805 --> 01:01:54,306
[soft music]
1451
01:02:03,015 --> 01:02:04,550
What's Dave doing?
1452
01:02:05,517 --> 01:02:07,019
He's either meditating
1453
01:02:07,052 --> 01:02:08,921
or having a complete
fucking breakdown.
1454
01:02:08,954 --> 01:02:10,089
Why, though?
1455
01:02:10,122 --> 01:02:11,490
His landlord just
showed up and said
1456
01:02:11,523 --> 01:02:13,492
if he doesn't come up
with 15 Gs for a deposit,
1457
01:02:13,525 --> 01:02:14,828
this place is done.
1458
01:02:14,860 --> 01:02:17,096
So what, like,
we gotta go back
1459
01:02:17,129 --> 01:02:18,364
to all these other
fucking bullshit,
1460
01:02:18,397 --> 01:02:19,932
random, out-of-the-hat mics
1461
01:02:19,965 --> 01:02:21,634
where I gotta pay
like all his money
1462
01:02:21,668 --> 01:02:23,670
just to wait for like
three fucking minutes?
1463
01:02:23,703 --> 01:02:25,705
- Man, fuck this.
- Yeah.
1464
01:02:25,739 --> 01:02:27,373
I mean, unless we come up
with a way
1465
01:02:27,406 --> 01:02:29,341
to find the fucking
money, then, yeah.
1466
01:02:29,375 --> 01:02:31,477
How the fuck are you gonna
come up with the money, bro?
1467
01:02:31,510 --> 01:02:32,712
What are you gonna do?
1468
01:02:32,746 --> 01:02:35,347
You're gonna sell
your ass in the van?
1469
01:02:35,381 --> 01:02:36,816
No one's gonna
wanna buy you, bro.
1470
01:02:36,850 --> 01:02:39,017
You're fat, and you're ugly.
1471
01:02:39,051 --> 01:02:40,552
He's kinda cute.
1472
01:02:40,586 --> 01:02:42,020
Amir, you guys work for
like big fucking comics.
1473
01:02:42,054 --> 01:02:44,490
Can't you guys talk
to some of these comics
1474
01:02:44,523 --> 01:02:45,891
that you're fucking
opening up for
1475
01:02:45,924 --> 01:02:47,526
and have them come do sets
1476
01:02:47,559 --> 01:02:48,728
it'll fucking raise
so much money?
1477
01:02:48,762 --> 01:02:50,462
Hey, wait, wait, wait...
1478
01:02:50,496 --> 01:02:52,699
How exactly do you
expect me to pitch that?
1479
01:02:52,732 --> 01:02:56,068
"Hey, buddy, I know you
make $100,000 a weekend,
1480
01:02:56,101 --> 01:02:59,037
why don't you come host
this open mic for free?"
1481
01:02:59,071 --> 01:03:00,239
You're an idiot.
1482
01:03:00,272 --> 01:03:02,574
I agree. You're an idiot.
1483
01:03:02,608 --> 01:03:04,576
Amir, come on. Are you in?
1484
01:03:04,610 --> 01:03:06,311
Yeah, I'll make some calls.
1485
01:03:06,345 --> 01:03:08,547
You know what?
I'll make some calls.
1486
01:03:08,580 --> 01:03:11,718
Nobody cares when
you call, Kyle.
1487
01:03:11,751 --> 01:03:12,985
Watch this, straight
to voicemail.
1488
01:03:15,855 --> 01:03:17,322
Hello, Mom?
1489
01:03:17,356 --> 01:03:19,258
Just wondering if you know,
1490
01:03:19,291 --> 01:03:20,926
I need to borrow
some money and...
1491
01:03:23,595 --> 01:03:24,664
So that's a no, guys.
1492
01:03:24,697 --> 01:03:26,666
[all laughing]
1493
01:03:28,367 --> 01:03:32,371
Great set tonight, Kyle.
Lots of growth.
1494
01:03:32,404 --> 01:03:34,808
You really knocked
it out of the park!
1495
01:03:37,042 --> 01:03:39,011
[Amir] Hey Dave, why don't
you just get a second opinion
1496
01:03:39,044 --> 01:03:42,347
- on that bad STD test, man?
- [groaning]
1497
01:03:42,381 --> 01:03:44,983
Thank you, Amir.
I appreciate the advice.
1498
01:03:46,218 --> 01:03:48,755
Yo, like, I know
I'm hella talented,
1499
01:03:48,788 --> 01:03:51,791
but Dave complimenting
me? I don't know, man,
1500
01:03:51,825 --> 01:03:54,894
that felt a little weird, like
this feeling in my stomach.
1501
01:03:54,928 --> 01:03:56,395
Like I dunno, man.
1502
01:03:56,428 --> 01:03:58,230
It's called sympathy, stupid.
1503
01:03:58,263 --> 01:03:59,766
It's what normal people feel.
1504
01:03:59,799 --> 01:04:00,900
Yeah, but I don't like it.
1505
01:04:00,934 --> 01:04:02,601
It's making me feel responsible,
1506
01:04:02,635 --> 01:04:05,772
like I gotta do
something, you know?
1507
01:04:05,805 --> 01:04:07,573
Bro, what do you think
we've all been doing?
1508
01:04:07,606 --> 01:04:10,643
We've been trying to book
headliners to fix this place.
1509
01:04:10,677 --> 01:04:12,745
I got it. Angela Nissel.
1510
01:04:12,779 --> 01:04:14,079
- I can get her to headline.
- The TV writer?
1511
01:04:14,112 --> 01:04:16,248
How the fuck do you know Angela?
1512
01:04:16,281 --> 01:04:20,419
Check this out.
We go to the same Ralphs.
1513
01:04:20,452 --> 01:04:22,287
Like, we could wait outside...
1514
01:04:22,321 --> 01:04:25,557
Stop right there, bro.
That is insane.
1515
01:04:27,794 --> 01:04:30,229
Look, I know you
guys make fun of me
1516
01:04:30,262 --> 01:04:33,833
because I grew up rich and
you guys find me annoying
1517
01:04:33,867 --> 01:04:36,468
and probably don't even
like my jokes, but...
1518
01:04:37,871 --> 01:04:40,339
I love this place,
and I love Dave
1519
01:04:40,372 --> 01:04:42,574
And I think I even
love you guys too.
1520
01:04:42,608 --> 01:04:44,409
This place has given me...
1521
01:04:44,443 --> 01:04:48,580
somewhere where I could find my
voice and be who I am, you know?
1522
01:04:48,614 --> 01:04:51,149
And honestly, like, if
it wasn't for this place,
1523
01:04:51,183 --> 01:04:52,886
I know you guys wouldn't
kick it with me.
1524
01:04:52,919 --> 01:04:55,922
And to be honest, like, I don't
even have friends outside.
1525
01:04:55,955 --> 01:04:56,956
Yeah, no shit.
1526
01:04:56,990 --> 01:04:59,124
♪ Ooh, yeah ♪
1527
01:04:59,157 --> 01:05:00,192
Look man, like...
1528
01:05:00,225 --> 01:05:01,861
Hey, I'm playin', I'm playin'.
1529
01:05:01,895 --> 01:05:05,932
This is my chance to give
Dave something more than $5.
1530
01:05:05,965 --> 01:05:07,767
You know she's not
a standup, right?
1531
01:05:07,800 --> 01:05:09,434
You don't know that.
1532
01:05:09,468 --> 01:05:12,337
Plus you know how many
nerds are gonna be lining up
1533
01:05:12,371 --> 01:05:15,340
to bother her after
we're done bothering her?
1534
01:05:15,374 --> 01:05:18,811
And we're not even asking for
a job, we're giving her one.
1535
01:05:18,845 --> 01:05:20,780
Man, this is crazy, man.
1536
01:05:20,813 --> 01:05:22,882
It's stupid, it's creepy,
and you know what?
1537
01:05:22,916 --> 01:05:25,718
Kinda illegal harassing
her like that.
1538
01:05:25,752 --> 01:05:27,854
Man, my grandma was illegal.
1539
01:05:27,887 --> 01:05:29,087
Huh?
1540
01:05:29,856 --> 01:05:31,024
You in?
1541
01:05:31,056 --> 01:05:33,425
[light music]
1542
01:05:35,895 --> 01:05:38,564
Uh, why are we here?
1543
01:05:38,597 --> 01:05:41,968
There's this white lady that
cooks these bomb-ass cookies,
1544
01:05:42,001 --> 01:05:45,004
Angela never misses
a batch. Never.
1545
01:05:45,038 --> 01:05:47,006
And you got this intel how?
1546
01:05:47,040 --> 01:05:48,340
I mean, what the fuck, man?
1547
01:05:48,373 --> 01:05:49,909
Bro, I buy those
cookies all the time.
1548
01:05:49,943 --> 01:05:51,076
They're bomb as fuck.
1549
01:05:51,109 --> 01:05:52,879
You know white people don't know
1550
01:05:52,912 --> 01:05:54,814
how to season
their chicken, right?
1551
01:05:54,847 --> 01:05:57,149
But they could sure put
sprinkles on their muffins.
1552
01:05:57,182 --> 01:05:58,417
You know what?
1553
01:05:58,450 --> 01:06:00,385
I do love some
white muffins though.
1554
01:06:00,419 --> 01:06:02,487
Bro, Angela loves
those white muffins.
1555
01:06:02,521 --> 01:06:04,023
All right, y'all stay here
1556
01:06:04,057 --> 01:06:06,425
with your creepy-ass binoculars.
1557
01:06:06,458 --> 01:06:08,928
I'm gonna go over there
and do the talking.
1558
01:06:08,962 --> 01:06:11,597
Hey girl! Angela, right?
1559
01:06:11,631 --> 01:06:13,666
Sorry, people always
think that for some reason.
1560
01:06:13,700 --> 01:06:15,034
So, you don't come
here every Wednesday
1561
01:06:15,068 --> 01:06:18,236
to get those fresh
mango cinnamon cookies?
1562
01:06:18,270 --> 01:06:20,606
Apple cinnamon.
Who sent you, what's up?
1563
01:06:20,640 --> 01:06:22,507
- Oh, nobody, mm-mm. I...
- [Amir] Hey, Angela!
1564
01:06:22,541 --> 01:06:24,043
- Well my friend...
- When's Scrubs coming back?
1565
01:06:24,077 --> 01:06:25,577
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Oh, whoa, whoa, wait, wait!
1566
01:06:25,611 --> 01:06:26,913
- She's got mace!
- Calm down.
1567
01:06:26,946 --> 01:06:28,347
Y'all think y'all
can sun me, right?
1568
01:06:28,380 --> 01:06:29,682
'Cause I got a little money?
1569
01:06:29,716 --> 01:06:31,450
I'm from Philly. I take...
Mai Tai classes.
1570
01:06:31,483 --> 01:06:32,919
- Shit, she's from Philly. She hard.
- We're comics...
1571
01:06:32,952 --> 01:06:35,554
We're comics,
and we're just... That's it.
1572
01:06:35,587 --> 01:06:37,890
Look, wait, wait, wait.
look, our buddy's business
1573
01:06:37,924 --> 01:06:39,959
is going under and we're
throwing a fundraiser
1574
01:06:39,993 --> 01:06:43,062
and we could really use your
help with saving his business.
1575
01:06:43,096 --> 01:06:44,731
Please put the pepper spray
down.
1576
01:06:44,764 --> 01:06:46,733
I've just washed my hair and
we just want to make sure
1577
01:06:46,766 --> 01:06:48,935
our friend Dave's
open mic doesn't fail.
1578
01:06:48,968 --> 01:06:50,770
[Kyle] Here's a flyer.
1579
01:06:50,803 --> 01:06:52,105
- Here's a flyer.
- That's a cat.
1580
01:06:52,137 --> 01:06:53,472
- Again?
- Your hair looks cute though.
1581
01:06:53,505 --> 01:06:54,874
- Thank you.
- It does, what do you use?
1582
01:06:54,907 --> 01:06:56,976
- Oh, Miss Jessie's.
- That's the shit.
1583
01:06:57,010 --> 01:06:58,911
Curly girls! I love you,
thank you.
1584
01:06:58,945 --> 01:07:01,648
Listen, I'm gonna be honest like
I've never been honest in my life,
1585
01:07:01,681 --> 01:07:04,249
to myself, and to
them, and to you.
1586
01:07:04,282 --> 01:07:07,053
But I've been doing
standup comedy for a while
1587
01:07:07,086 --> 01:07:10,890
and I don't think
I've ever been funny.
1588
01:07:12,825 --> 01:07:15,995
But... One day it's
all gonna click.
1589
01:07:16,029 --> 01:07:17,496
One day, I'm gonna
figure it out.
1590
01:07:17,529 --> 01:07:19,999
It's gonna click
like a remote control
1591
01:07:20,033 --> 01:07:22,802
and that can't happen if they
close down The Bomb Shelter,
1592
01:07:22,835 --> 01:07:24,236
which is why we're here.
1593
01:07:24,269 --> 01:07:26,139
Maybe you can help us out.
1594
01:07:26,171 --> 01:07:28,775
He's not lying, his mama doesn't
even love him. It's terrible.
1595
01:07:28,808 --> 01:07:30,308
Yeah, he sucks.
1596
01:07:30,342 --> 01:07:31,610
There. Not a cat.
1597
01:07:31,644 --> 01:07:33,946
See, this is actually
kinda sweet.
1598
01:07:33,980 --> 01:07:36,248
I don't do standup
though, sorry.
1599
01:07:36,281 --> 01:07:38,651
You don't know till you try it.
you could be hilarious.
1600
01:07:38,685 --> 01:07:40,086
I mean, you look funny.
1601
01:07:40,119 --> 01:07:42,155
- Oh! Shit!
- [Nelly] Oh! Stop! Okay!
1602
01:07:42,187 --> 01:07:44,189
[indiscreet shouting]
1603
01:07:45,190 --> 01:07:46,491
Shit! Mother...
1604
01:07:48,061 --> 01:07:51,030
Normally I love it when
a girl squirts my face.
1605
01:07:51,064 --> 01:07:53,966
Not like this! Not like this!
1606
01:07:54,000 --> 01:07:55,367
Will you do the show?
1607
01:07:55,400 --> 01:07:58,104
Will you at least do the show?
1608
01:07:58,137 --> 01:07:59,706
All right. I'll give
you my email address.
1609
01:07:59,739 --> 01:08:01,373
- [Kyle] Yes!
- [Nelly] Get the fuck out!
1610
01:08:01,406 --> 01:08:03,176
- She's doing the show, bro.
- [Nelly] man-up, Amir.
1611
01:08:03,208 --> 01:08:04,944
- Thank God.
- [Nelly] It's worth it.
1612
01:08:04,977 --> 01:08:06,445
- I'm gonna go get some milk...
- Thank God.
1613
01:08:06,478 --> 01:08:07,880
I'll... I'll throw the milk
in your face...
1614
01:08:07,914 --> 01:08:09,414
- and you'll be fine.
- Oh, God.
1615
01:08:11,416 --> 01:08:12,852
Thank you, so much.
1616
01:08:12,885 --> 01:08:14,453
- Thank you, thank you.
- Let me tell y'all,
1617
01:08:14,486 --> 01:08:16,689
don't approach anybody
talking about squirting
1618
01:08:16,723 --> 01:08:18,725
- and run up on their car like this, okay?
- [Nelly] All right.
1619
01:08:18,758 --> 01:08:20,492
'Cause I was about to call
the cops on you.
1620
01:08:20,525 --> 01:08:21,626
- Its okay.
- Thank you, thank you.
1621
01:08:21,661 --> 01:08:23,696
- Water under the bridge.
- Email me.
1622
01:08:24,697 --> 01:08:26,733
[phone vibrating]
1623
01:08:30,903 --> 01:08:33,271
[light music]
1624
01:08:38,211 --> 01:08:40,245
[indistinct chatter]
1625
01:08:41,714 --> 01:08:45,051
So, this is actually my
first time doing standup.
1626
01:08:45,084 --> 01:08:47,186
If you didn't know,
I'm a TV writer.
1627
01:08:47,220 --> 01:08:48,654
And after meeting you guys,
1628
01:08:48,688 --> 01:08:51,724
it's actually my last
time doing stand up.
1629
01:08:51,758 --> 01:08:52,925
[man] Haa!
1630
01:08:56,461 --> 01:08:58,497
[phone vibrating]
1631
01:09:11,443 --> 01:09:14,113
I don't have any money
for clothes, so...
1632
01:09:14,147 --> 01:09:16,548
if you see me looking like I
just came out of a dressing room
1633
01:09:16,581 --> 01:09:18,350
trying something on,
it's like,
1634
01:09:18,383 --> 01:09:20,920
no, that's just
how I fucking look.
1635
01:09:20,953 --> 01:09:22,989
[phone vibrating]
1636
01:09:31,063 --> 01:09:33,532
[upbeat music]
1637
01:09:36,068 --> 01:09:38,370
I haven't felt
this uncomfortable
1638
01:09:38,403 --> 01:09:42,141
in a sea of broken dreams
since...
1639
01:09:42,175 --> 01:09:45,211
Actually, never. Because
I actually followed my dreams.
1640
01:09:45,244 --> 01:09:48,413
I just said I'm a TV writer and I
don't stalk people outside of Ralphs.
1641
01:09:48,446 --> 01:09:49,548
[laughter]
1642
01:09:49,581 --> 01:09:51,616
[phone vibrating]
1643
01:09:52,484 --> 01:09:54,987
[soft music]
1644
01:10:02,695 --> 01:10:06,899
The only problem is... I get
reminiscence of growing up
1645
01:10:06,933 --> 01:10:08,968
because I used to
share the bathroom with
1646
01:10:09,001 --> 01:10:10,136
everyone in
my fucking family.
1647
01:10:10,169 --> 01:10:12,104
We had a one bathroom,
massive family,
1648
01:10:12,138 --> 01:10:14,140
except now I'm just sharing
it with the homeless people
1649
01:10:14,173 --> 01:10:16,275
who are trying to get
in the van with me.
1650
01:10:16,309 --> 01:10:19,946
[light upbeat music]
1651
01:10:19,979 --> 01:10:22,347
[light music]
1652
01:10:23,816 --> 01:10:27,787
Speaking of dreams,
if anyone has any ideas
1653
01:10:27,820 --> 01:10:31,423
or email requests
or collaborations,
1654
01:10:31,456 --> 01:10:33,993
I'm currently only
taking sexual favors.
1655
01:10:34,026 --> 01:10:37,529
[laughter] So you can
take the rest to my agent.
1656
01:10:37,562 --> 01:10:39,598
[phone vibrates]
1657
01:10:41,133 --> 01:10:43,468
I've never realized that I'm
actually like a big person.
1658
01:10:43,501 --> 01:10:45,470
Recently, one of
those things happened.
1659
01:10:45,503 --> 01:10:47,840
I was crossing the
street late one night.
1660
01:10:47,874 --> 01:10:50,176
He just looks at me and he goes,
1661
01:10:50,209 --> 01:10:52,979
"Defensive end or lineman?"
1662
01:10:53,012 --> 01:10:55,181
And without missing a beat,
I go, "Tennis player."
1663
01:10:55,214 --> 01:10:56,883
[laughter]
1664
01:11:00,987 --> 01:11:04,824
- You're actually really good.
- Don't sound so surprised.
1665
01:11:04,857 --> 01:11:08,694
- I mean, you always made me laugh, but you're...
- Yeah.
1666
01:11:08,728 --> 01:11:11,563
- you're... "Funny" funny.
- Oh, thanks.
1667
01:11:11,596 --> 01:11:14,133
Do you want to... go grab
dinner?
1668
01:11:15,034 --> 01:11:16,335
Uh...
1669
01:11:16,369 --> 01:11:18,738
- That sounds good, yeah.
- Yeah? Cool. Um...
1670
01:11:18,771 --> 01:11:21,539
- Not tonight. Um...
- Boundaries, yes.
1671
01:11:21,573 --> 01:11:24,844
- Maybe next Saturday?
- Saturday. Uh, yeah.
1672
01:11:24,877 --> 01:11:27,246
I can't do it anymore.
Dude, I can't do it.
1673
01:11:27,280 --> 01:11:30,182
I just hosted three hours in
the tent mic, three hours!
1674
01:11:30,216 --> 01:11:33,418
I did not move here for this
shit. You understand that?
1675
01:11:33,451 --> 01:11:37,323
I have Arian blood. I am
too good for that tent mic!
1676
01:11:37,356 --> 01:11:39,926
Yo, psycho, all you had
to do is come and ask me,
1677
01:11:39,959 --> 01:11:42,560
I would have switched with you and
I would have hosted in the tent.
1678
01:11:42,594 --> 01:11:45,665
Oh. Okay. Well,
I'll see you around.
1679
01:11:46,799 --> 01:11:49,534
Oh, uh, do not go in there,
okay?
1680
01:11:49,567 --> 01:11:53,272
Seriously, it's a damnation
of inferno. You will burn!
1681
01:11:53,306 --> 01:11:56,108
It is hell. You don't
want to be in hell, okay?
1682
01:11:56,142 --> 01:11:59,178
I like your haircut.
Have a good day!
1683
01:12:01,446 --> 01:12:03,683
- Saturday?
- Saturday.
1684
01:12:03,716 --> 01:12:05,184
- Don't forget.
- Okay.
1685
01:12:06,752 --> 01:12:07,920
Bye.
1686
01:12:14,894 --> 01:12:18,097
[soft dramatic music]
1687
01:12:26,272 --> 01:12:29,208
[soft intense music]
1688
01:12:50,296 --> 01:12:52,798
There's literally no reason why
an earthquake
1689
01:12:52,832 --> 01:12:55,301
should be classified
as a natural disaster.
1690
01:12:55,334 --> 01:12:58,137
It's only a disaster because
we decided to build cities
1691
01:12:58,170 --> 01:12:59,472
on fricking fault lines!
1692
01:12:59,504 --> 01:13:01,007
Why are we doing this?
1693
01:13:01,040 --> 01:13:03,109
It doesn't make any sense, it...
1694
01:13:03,142 --> 01:13:04,643
- [door closes]
- [Devontae, whispering] My bad.
1695
01:13:04,677 --> 01:13:06,278
Hey, who just walked
in here right now?
1696
01:13:06,312 --> 01:13:09,514
Turn on the lights. Who just
walked in here right now?
1697
01:13:09,547 --> 01:13:13,019
Oh. Yeah, Devontae,
you're late again, man.
1698
01:13:13,052 --> 01:13:15,287
- You know the rules. Beat it.
- Beat it?
1699
01:13:15,321 --> 01:13:16,956
Yo, it's like 10 minutes.
1700
01:13:16,989 --> 01:13:18,824
Well, the cutoff is five
minutes, man. You know this.
1701
01:13:18,858 --> 01:13:20,159
Okay, yo, can I just watch?
1702
01:13:20,192 --> 01:13:22,361
Fine, it's fine,
just find a seat. Okay...
1703
01:13:22,395 --> 01:13:24,697
There's no seats, so I'm
gonna stand. It's cool.
1704
01:13:24,730 --> 01:13:27,700
No fucking standing
in the back, Devontae!
1705
01:13:29,201 --> 01:13:31,603
Yo, you're fucking crazy, bro!
1706
01:13:31,637 --> 01:13:35,474
Prima donna motherfuckers!
Fucking come in here late
1707
01:13:35,508 --> 01:13:38,144
every day. Goddammit!
1708
01:13:38,177 --> 01:13:39,544
You want to be headliner, right?
1709
01:13:39,577 --> 01:13:40,846
You wanna be a
fucking headliner,
1710
01:13:40,880 --> 01:13:42,982
show up on time to
the fucking mic!
1711
01:13:43,015 --> 01:13:44,050
Fuck!
1712
01:13:44,083 --> 01:13:46,952
God... dammit.
1713
01:13:47,987 --> 01:13:49,755
- [muttering]
- [Arnold] Yo!
1714
01:13:51,323 --> 01:13:54,360
[Arnold] Dude!
Yo, yo! Hey! Yo.
1715
01:13:54,393 --> 01:13:56,695
- Yo! cut that shit out.
- Fuck Dave, man!
1716
01:13:56,729 --> 01:13:58,364
He's always giving me more
shit than anyone else.
1717
01:13:58,397 --> 01:13:59,832
- I can't take that shit!
- Dude! Dude, yo!
1718
01:13:59,865 --> 01:14:01,867
Chill out, it's not
that fucking serious.
1719
01:14:01,901 --> 01:14:03,969
Bruh, you ain't say shit
to him, so fuck you too.
1720
01:14:04,003 --> 01:14:05,538
Yo, you're always
fucking late.
1721
01:14:05,570 --> 01:14:07,406
And every time you're fucking
late, you cost him money,
1722
01:14:07,440 --> 01:14:09,408
and you fuck someone out
of a spot. So chill out.
1723
01:14:09,442 --> 01:14:11,043
Fuck those other comics, bro.
1724
01:14:11,077 --> 01:14:14,146
Damn. I could do any other
fucking mic on the west side.
1725
01:14:14,180 --> 01:14:15,514
Listen, I'm gonna
stop you right there.
1726
01:14:15,548 --> 01:14:17,216
You gotta understand how
fucking Dave is, dude.
1727
01:14:17,249 --> 01:14:19,318
Look, I understand. He sees
a young brother like me
1728
01:14:19,351 --> 01:14:20,653
- and can't wait to fuck with me.
- Oh, my...
1729
01:14:20,686 --> 01:14:21,754
I'm not doing
this shit no more.
1730
01:14:21,787 --> 01:14:23,255
Turn down hosting fucking mics
1731
01:14:23,289 --> 01:14:24,423
at the fucking
Store for this shit.
1732
01:14:24,457 --> 01:14:26,225
You've turned down
mics at The Store?
1733
01:14:27,093 --> 01:14:28,761
Yeah, what?
1734
01:14:28,794 --> 01:14:31,063
Then I wouldn't be able to...
'Cau... I Can't do both. I...
1735
01:14:31,097 --> 01:14:33,666
- Dude, I love The Bomb Shelter.
- So?
1736
01:14:35,600 --> 01:14:37,736
Look, when I
first came out here,
1737
01:14:38,971 --> 01:14:41,740
Dave and I did like
a lot of the same mics.
1738
01:14:41,774 --> 01:14:44,510
He showed me the scene
a bit. And then when I...
1739
01:14:46,579 --> 01:14:48,047
His girl found out that
I was couch surfing,
1740
01:14:48,080 --> 01:14:49,614
they let me stay at their crib.
1741
01:14:49,648 --> 01:14:51,250
What was the difference
between couch surfing
1742
01:14:51,283 --> 01:14:52,918
and sleeping on his floor?
1743
01:14:52,952 --> 01:14:56,222
You don't know
shit about Dave.
1744
01:14:56,255 --> 01:14:58,224
Yo, Dave used to live in
this big-ass fucking house.
1745
01:14:58,257 --> 01:15:01,227
He had two guest bedrooms
and a Brita filter
1746
01:15:01,260 --> 01:15:02,962
in every fucking room
and all this shit.
1747
01:15:02,995 --> 01:15:04,797
- [chuckling] No fucking way.
- I'm dead-ass serious too.
1748
01:15:04,830 --> 01:15:07,233
It must've been part of some
"pity the poor black boy" bullshit
1749
01:15:07,266 --> 01:15:09,768
- 'Cause now this motherfucker out here's trying to kill me.
- Dude!
1750
01:15:09,802 --> 01:15:11,570
If you know you can't
make the nine o'clock show,
1751
01:15:11,604 --> 01:15:13,372
why don't you just sign
up for the 10 o'clock.
1752
01:15:14,440 --> 01:15:16,809
[Arnold] Hmm, yeah.
1753
01:15:16,842 --> 01:15:18,878
I don't really have
an answer for that.
1754
01:15:18,911 --> 01:15:20,179
I feel like if...
1755
01:15:21,347 --> 01:15:23,816
If I'm in a rush,
then I'm working hard.
1756
01:15:24,250 --> 01:15:26,685
Oh, my God. That's the dumbest
thing I've ever fucking heard.
1757
01:15:26,719 --> 01:15:29,421
And now I remember you're
20 fucking years old.
1758
01:15:29,455 --> 01:15:31,190
Twenty and a half.
1759
01:15:34,326 --> 01:15:35,694
[Dave grunts]
1760
01:15:36,762 --> 01:15:37,963
Wow.
1761
01:15:40,166 --> 01:15:42,902
Well... That was a...
1762
01:15:44,638 --> 01:15:46,238
That was an
interesting mic, man.
1763
01:15:46,272 --> 01:15:48,474
Yeah, I'm sorry
you had to see that.
1764
01:15:48,507 --> 01:15:51,177
Pretty sure Devontae
thinks you're a racist.
1765
01:15:51,210 --> 01:15:54,113
Well, yeah. You know,
it's just...
1766
01:15:54,146 --> 01:15:55,748
Blacks, you know?
1767
01:15:55,781 --> 01:15:58,517
Oh, look at that. You actually
are racist.
1768
01:15:58,551 --> 01:16:00,319
Listen, the kid
has so much talent,
1769
01:16:00,352 --> 01:16:02,688
he just needs to learn
how to respect the rules.
1770
01:16:02,721 --> 01:16:05,257
I don't know, man. I kind of felt
like it was about something else.
1771
01:16:05,291 --> 01:16:06,759
Yeah, well, maybe it's the fear
1772
01:16:06,792 --> 01:16:09,128
of losing my livelihood has
something to do with it.
1773
01:16:09,161 --> 01:16:11,597
Some nights when uh...
1774
01:16:11,631 --> 01:16:14,433
When I'm hosting some
open mics, and uh...
1775
01:16:14,466 --> 01:16:16,001
You know, I kind of just get
lost.
1776
01:16:16,035 --> 01:16:18,003
thinking about where I'm
at in my life right now.
1777
01:16:19,538 --> 01:16:22,041
I kind of think
about like, "oh wow,
1778
01:16:22,074 --> 01:16:24,210
I'm fucking sleeping in a van."
1779
01:16:24,243 --> 01:16:27,146
And it's enough to make you want
to blow your fucking brains out.
1780
01:16:27,179 --> 01:16:31,150
But that's when I realized it's
all fucking temporary, man.
1781
01:16:31,183 --> 01:16:32,451
And...
1782
01:16:34,186 --> 01:16:39,191
It's kind of comforting to
say out loud, "I'm not okay."
1783
01:16:43,062 --> 01:16:44,396
I'm fine.
1784
01:16:46,899 --> 01:16:49,301
Is it fine to keep...
1785
01:16:49,335 --> 01:16:52,137
sonograms of a kid
you almost had
1786
01:16:52,171 --> 01:16:54,573
in the tool shed? And...
1787
01:16:54,607 --> 01:16:57,009
ducking calls
from your ex 'cause
1788
01:16:57,042 --> 01:16:58,911
you don't want to pick
up your shit?
1789
01:17:02,915 --> 01:17:04,316
Arnold...
1790
01:17:05,851 --> 01:17:08,587
[hesitates] You've done some nice
things here, and I'm grateful,
1791
01:17:08,621 --> 01:17:12,491
but not everybody needs
to be fixed. Okay?
1792
01:17:12,524 --> 01:17:14,360
No, you need to be fixed.
1793
01:17:14,393 --> 01:17:16,495
You host stand up here for a
few weeks and all of a sudden,
1794
01:17:16,528 --> 01:17:18,197
you're the zen master of MICerz?
1795
01:17:18,230 --> 01:17:19,431
You're just like every
other wannabe comic
1796
01:17:19,465 --> 01:17:20,700
- Hey, man...
- That comes in here, Arnold.
1797
01:17:20,734 --> 01:17:21,867
I'm just trying to fucking help.
1798
01:17:21,900 --> 01:17:23,002
Oh, yeah, sure you're gonna be
the one
1799
01:17:23,035 --> 01:17:24,503
to save The Bomb Shelter now.
1800
01:17:24,536 --> 01:17:26,205
You're not even trying...
You're not doing this for me.
1801
01:17:26,238 --> 01:17:27,873
You're doing this for you.
1802
01:17:27,906 --> 01:17:30,242
Some of us are actually
trying to do this as a career.
1803
01:17:30,276 --> 01:17:32,044
You are just trying to do this
1804
01:17:32,077 --> 01:17:33,747
to get your ex-girlfriend back.
1805
01:17:33,779 --> 01:17:35,749
You're gonna go back... Right
from mooching off me,
1806
01:17:35,781 --> 01:17:37,549
- right back to mooching off her.
- Hey, you ever think that
1807
01:17:37,583 --> 01:17:39,184
- That's what you're gonna do.
- Maybe I want to do something
1808
01:17:39,218 --> 01:17:40,619
with my fucking life? Look,
1809
01:17:40,654 --> 01:17:42,955
that's your fucking
shitty open fucking mic
1810
01:17:42,988 --> 01:17:46,091
- that you fucking host.
- And your van's parked in my parking lot.
1811
01:17:46,125 --> 01:17:47,893
What do you fucking
want me to do, dude?
1812
01:17:47,926 --> 01:17:50,462
I want you to stay here
for as long as it takes.
1813
01:17:50,496 --> 01:17:52,398
So you could feel what
kind of... What it's like
1814
01:17:52,431 --> 01:17:54,066
- to be a fucking loser like me.
- Oh, you fucking...
1815
01:17:54,099 --> 01:17:56,902
You fucking live for hosting
shitty fucking open mics.
1816
01:17:56,935 --> 01:17:58,237
Don't forget I'm your boss,
1817
01:17:58,270 --> 01:17:59,405
and if you bring that shit up
one more time
1818
01:17:59,438 --> 01:18:00,873
- you're fired!
- Oh yeah?
1819
01:18:00,906 --> 01:18:02,374
- You're gonna fucking fire me?
- Yeah.
1820
01:18:02,408 --> 01:18:04,209
- I fucking dare you to fucking fire me!
- Fucking...
1821
01:18:04,243 --> 01:18:05,277
I'll fucking do it.
1822
01:18:05,311 --> 01:18:07,613
You fucking bitch! Fuck you!
1823
01:18:07,647 --> 01:18:09,649
I quit. Have fun
fucking banning people
1824
01:18:09,683 --> 01:18:12,551
when there's no one fucking
here to come, you dumb fuck!
1825
01:18:23,095 --> 01:18:24,396
Am I getting evicted?
1826
01:18:29,501 --> 01:18:31,705
I was engaged
a couple years back.
1827
01:18:33,138 --> 01:18:35,007
And, uh, she got pregnant.
1828
01:18:37,176 --> 01:18:41,580
Had a late miscarriage.
Like... really late. And, uh...
1829
01:18:45,551 --> 01:18:48,287
We never really
recovered after that.
1830
01:18:48,320 --> 01:18:49,955
And uh...
1831
01:18:49,988 --> 01:18:52,925
Last night I saw her
with her new husband and uh...
1832
01:18:55,194 --> 01:18:56,362
their baby.
1833
01:18:57,963 --> 01:19:00,834
Dude, I... I didn't know.
1834
01:19:00,866 --> 01:19:02,134
I'm really sorry.
1835
01:19:02,167 --> 01:19:04,470
That was supposed
to be my kid.
1836
01:19:04,503 --> 01:19:06,773
[soft music]
1837
01:19:18,083 --> 01:19:19,853
I'm still in love with her too.
1838
01:19:21,220 --> 01:19:22,822
Can you believe that?
1839
01:19:22,856 --> 01:19:24,356
It's been years.
1840
01:19:24,390 --> 01:19:26,860
She's got a family, and
I've got freaking nothing!
1841
01:19:27,827 --> 01:19:30,396
I mean, you got me.
1842
01:19:30,429 --> 01:19:32,197
It's not saying much, but...
1843
01:19:33,065 --> 01:19:34,400
I think you just gotta...
1844
01:19:35,668 --> 01:19:37,670
get your shit and
close the fucking door.
1845
01:19:37,704 --> 01:19:39,071
I can't.
1846
01:19:39,104 --> 01:19:40,973
I mean, if you don't
want to see 'em, I can go...
1847
01:19:41,006 --> 01:19:42,241
No!
1848
01:19:44,276 --> 01:19:47,546
Her having my stuff is the only
thing that still connects us.
1849
01:19:47,579 --> 01:19:49,381
If we go to pick up my stuff
now, then it's over.
1850
01:19:49,415 --> 01:19:52,184
You know? Like really over.
1851
01:19:52,217 --> 01:19:54,687
You got to start
making healthy steps towards
1852
01:19:54,721 --> 01:19:57,389
figuring out how to live
your life. Like...
1853
01:19:57,423 --> 01:19:59,358
You know, you should make
a plan.
1854
01:19:59,391 --> 01:20:00,894
I know you always talk to me
about making a plan,
1855
01:20:00,926 --> 01:20:02,896
but I feel like you
should be the one to like
1856
01:20:02,928 --> 01:20:04,363
go pick up your stuff.
1857
01:20:04,396 --> 01:20:05,865
I'll go with you. I don't care
how... what you have
1858
01:20:05,899 --> 01:20:07,734
to do to do it, I will help you.
1859
01:20:07,767 --> 01:20:10,202
I know that's not saying
much 'cause it's fucking me,
1860
01:20:10,235 --> 01:20:13,740
but let's go get your shit so
we can put this behind you.
1861
01:20:13,773 --> 01:20:15,775
I mean, come on, look at you.
1862
01:20:15,809 --> 01:20:18,343
You're Mr. No
Fucking Bullshitting
1863
01:20:18,377 --> 01:20:21,380
Dick Heavy Metal God!
1864
01:20:21,413 --> 01:20:23,015
Fuck, man time, right?
1865
01:20:24,283 --> 01:20:26,051
[yelling] All right!
1866
01:20:26,084 --> 01:20:29,521
Three point five billion other
women out there to ruin your life.
1867
01:20:29,555 --> 01:20:31,925
Let's get through
this, all right?
1868
01:20:31,957 --> 01:20:33,125
Christ.
1869
01:20:34,761 --> 01:20:35,961
What the...
1870
01:20:37,496 --> 01:20:38,865
What the fuck
happened to your van?
1871
01:20:38,898 --> 01:20:40,633
I forgot to tell you.
1872
01:20:40,667 --> 01:20:42,968
I actually sold it to a fucking
junk collector.
1873
01:20:43,001 --> 01:20:45,137
I got a couple
hundred bucks for it.
1874
01:20:45,170 --> 01:20:46,472
- $200?
- Yeah.
1875
01:20:46,505 --> 01:20:47,707
You're smarter than you look.
1876
01:20:47,740 --> 01:20:49,408
I guess officially now, uh
1877
01:20:49,441 --> 01:20:51,109
The Bomb Shelter's my home.
1878
01:20:51,143 --> 01:20:52,946
Oh my God. That's very sweet,
1879
01:20:52,978 --> 01:20:55,214
but I really wouldn't
tell anybody else that.
1880
01:20:55,247 --> 01:20:56,950
[Amir] Hey man. Do whatever
you want, bro.
1881
01:20:56,982 --> 01:20:59,551
- You know, all that country shit you like.
- Really?
1882
01:20:59,585 --> 01:21:01,553
Yeah, that
Keystone Light shit,
1883
01:21:01,587 --> 01:21:03,756
some Alabama Slammer,
1884
01:21:03,790 --> 01:21:06,091
- that White Claw with gin...
- Awesome.
1885
01:21:06,124 --> 01:21:08,895
You know, some of that
titty twister, pink sand,
1886
01:21:08,928 --> 01:21:10,395
panty dropper shit.
1887
01:21:10,429 --> 01:21:12,331
- Never had one of those.
- Yeah man, it's on me, buddy.
1888
01:21:12,364 --> 01:21:14,299
Even though you punched me
in the face, motherfucker.
1889
01:21:14,333 --> 01:21:15,668
Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
1890
01:21:15,702 --> 01:21:17,336
That's cool, I love
you, babe. You know?
1891
01:21:17,369 --> 01:21:18,905
- I love you too.
- Yeah, but fuck you.
1892
01:21:18,938 --> 01:21:20,172
Yeah, okay.
1893
01:21:20,205 --> 01:21:21,573
All right, time
for Amiracle, baby.
1894
01:21:21,607 --> 01:21:22,842
♪ Ooh, yeah ♪
1895
01:21:22,876 --> 01:21:24,978
[glass breaks] Yeah!
1896
01:21:29,348 --> 01:21:30,616
You paying for that?
1897
01:21:30,650 --> 01:21:32,685
Oh, no. I don't have any money.
1898
01:21:33,987 --> 01:21:35,187
Hello, white ladies.
1899
01:21:35,220 --> 01:21:37,289
Hey... Hey, you, upfront,
what's your name?
1900
01:21:37,322 --> 01:21:38,490
Karen.
1901
01:21:38,524 --> 01:21:41,593
♪ Karen, always
Carin' for Karen ♪
1902
01:21:41,627 --> 01:21:43,529
[mimicking guitar plucking]
1903
01:21:43,562 --> 01:21:45,063
Karen, uh...
1904
01:21:45,832 --> 01:21:47,466
I like your necklace.
1905
01:21:47,499 --> 01:21:49,167
You know what looks
better than that?
1906
01:21:49,201 --> 01:21:51,136
A sperm necklace, you
know what I'm saying?
1907
01:21:51,169 --> 01:21:54,172
[crowd groaning]
1908
01:21:54,206 --> 01:21:56,608
Oh, like you've never
had a sperm necklace.
1909
01:21:56,643 --> 01:21:57,877
Everybody wanna act
like they don't know
1910
01:21:57,911 --> 01:21:59,946
what a sperm necklace is.
1911
01:21:59,979 --> 01:22:01,346
Okay, maybe you do
know what it is and
1912
01:22:01,380 --> 01:22:03,482
that's why you groaned.
'Cause it's gross.
1913
01:22:03,515 --> 01:22:06,986
Hey, uh... Karen, uh...
are you with somebody tonight?
1914
01:22:07,020 --> 01:22:10,155
- I can't see your boy. What's his name?
- Mark.
1915
01:22:10,188 --> 01:22:12,090
Hey, Mark, go home, dawg.
[chuckles] You know what I'm sayin'.
1916
01:22:12,124 --> 01:22:14,059
♪ Ooh, yeah ♪
1917
01:22:14,092 --> 01:22:16,228
Hey, I want to see who this dude is.
I can't see nobody out there.
1918
01:22:16,261 --> 01:22:18,463
Hey, hey, light bitches, let
me get a look at this dude.
1919
01:22:18,497 --> 01:22:19,565
What does he look like?
1920
01:22:19,598 --> 01:22:21,000
Put a light on this guy.
1921
01:22:21,034 --> 01:22:23,803
[ominous music]
1922
01:22:25,838 --> 01:22:29,074
Heh, oh, shit. It had to be you.
1923
01:22:29,107 --> 01:22:32,177
Hey, man, Karen's cool as fuck.
1924
01:22:32,210 --> 01:22:33,378
Hey, man, know what?
1925
01:22:33,412 --> 01:22:34,881
If you were gonna eat a butt,
1926
01:22:34,914 --> 01:22:36,916
it should be Karen's, all right?
1927
01:22:36,950 --> 01:22:39,618
Karen's butt is the sweetest
in town.
1928
01:22:40,419 --> 01:22:41,854
How do I know that?
I don't know that.
1929
01:22:41,888 --> 01:22:44,590
I just... I'm just... Guessing.
1930
01:22:44,623 --> 01:22:45,992
Shit. Oh, I got the light?
1931
01:22:46,025 --> 01:22:47,326
All right. Well, I was
gonna get off anyway,
1932
01:22:47,359 --> 01:22:48,761
so fuck y'all. All right.
1933
01:22:48,795 --> 01:22:50,830
[sparse clapping]
1934
01:22:54,132 --> 01:22:56,501
Hey, buddy. The fuck was that,
man?
1935
01:22:56,535 --> 01:22:57,937
What are you doing up there?
1936
01:22:57,971 --> 01:22:59,571
I was thinking I was doing
my job.
1937
01:22:59,605 --> 01:23:01,273
Dude, I gotta pull you
from tomorrow's show.
1938
01:23:01,306 --> 01:23:03,208
You can't be pulling that
kind of shit up on stage, man.
1939
01:23:03,241 --> 01:23:04,376
What? Why?
1940
01:23:04,409 --> 01:23:05,845
There's nothing
I can do about it, man.
1941
01:23:05,878 --> 01:23:07,379
- It's already been talked about.
- You're the manager!
1942
01:23:07,412 --> 01:23:08,948
You can do everything about it.
1943
01:23:08,982 --> 01:23:10,717
My hands are tied
this time, all right?
1944
01:23:10,750 --> 01:23:13,552
This is bullshit. What does
this have to say about comedy?
1945
01:23:13,585 --> 01:23:16,455
If you're gonna pull a comic just for
bombing and doing some crowd work.
1946
01:23:16,488 --> 01:23:18,390
Comedy. Comedy. Comedy!
1947
01:23:18,423 --> 01:23:20,125
"I'm so funny, everything
revolves around me."
1948
01:23:20,158 --> 01:23:23,096
Fucking tired of this shit.
Tired of everything, man.
1949
01:23:23,128 --> 01:23:24,631
Fuck you, fuck your comedy...
1950
01:23:24,664 --> 01:23:27,700
Hey, why don't you calm
your Lisa Bonet-lookin' ass down
1951
01:23:27,734 --> 01:23:29,601
Fuck Lisa Bonet, nigga!
1952
01:23:31,470 --> 01:23:32,939
Hey, man. You know
what's sad, dude?
1953
01:23:32,972 --> 01:23:34,539
I actually thought
you were being genuine
1954
01:23:34,573 --> 01:23:35,908
when you performed for me.
1955
01:23:35,942 --> 01:23:37,944
I thought the whole
Amiracle thing was an act,
1956
01:23:37,977 --> 01:23:39,311
but I see that's who you are.
1957
01:23:39,344 --> 01:23:40,813
No one wants to work
with assholes,
1958
01:23:40,847 --> 01:23:42,280
especially in this business.
1959
01:23:42,314 --> 01:23:44,549
She does. She
loves my asshole.
1960
01:23:44,583 --> 01:23:45,718
[Katherine] Mm-hm.
1961
01:23:45,752 --> 01:23:47,754
Yeah, she lives in my asshole.
1962
01:23:47,787 --> 01:23:50,155
- Fuck you, guy.
- She sucks farts outta my asshole.
1963
01:23:50,188 --> 01:23:52,091
You'd be lucky to work
with a guy like this.
1964
01:23:52,125 --> 01:23:54,326
Yeah. You love my
asshole, right baby?
1965
01:23:54,359 --> 01:23:55,795
Yeah, absolutely.
1966
01:23:55,828 --> 01:23:57,462
Yeah, she's gonna be licking
all around it tonight.
1967
01:23:57,496 --> 01:23:59,598
- All the time.
- Yeah.
1968
01:23:59,632 --> 01:24:03,102
I want to think about how
much I can put more stuff
1969
01:24:03,136 --> 01:24:05,805
in my butt so she
could pull it out.
1970
01:24:05,838 --> 01:24:07,974
Every night. I always
put stuff in his asshole.
1971
01:24:08,007 --> 01:24:09,241
- He loves it.
- Yeah!
1972
01:24:10,609 --> 01:24:13,746
Uhh... Wow, that was kinda
crazy.
1973
01:24:13,780 --> 01:24:17,182
So, wha... Oh, um... What was that
all about? What just happened?
1974
01:24:17,215 --> 01:24:19,085
I had to pull Amir
from the show tomorrow.
1975
01:24:19,118 --> 01:24:20,318
- Oh.
- Yeah.
1976
01:24:21,754 --> 01:24:24,322
As a matter of fact, do you know
anyone that could fill his slot?
1977
01:24:24,356 --> 01:24:25,424
Oh, um...
1978
01:24:25,457 --> 01:24:27,660
[light music]
1979
01:24:29,361 --> 01:24:30,697
Yeah, I can do it.
1980
01:24:32,832 --> 01:24:33,866
Who are you again?
1981
01:24:33,900 --> 01:24:35,835
Oh, I'm Arnold. Arnold Wilson.
1982
01:24:35,868 --> 01:24:37,937
Yeah, I live in a van.
1983
01:24:40,073 --> 01:24:41,941
I run The Bomb Shelter.
1984
01:24:43,308 --> 01:24:44,944
I got a hand job there once.
1985
01:24:44,977 --> 01:24:46,311
Yeah, probably.
1986
01:24:46,344 --> 01:24:47,714
Yeah, you know what?
1987
01:24:47,747 --> 01:24:49,015
I'll put you in at eight.
This works great.
1988
01:24:49,048 --> 01:24:52,051
Yeah, cool. That
sounds great. Dope.
1989
01:24:52,085 --> 01:24:53,152
Cool, yeah...
1990
01:24:53,186 --> 01:24:54,654
Just don't be late bro...
1991
01:24:54,687 --> 01:24:55,855
- Yeah, for sure, I'm out.
- I've got a ton
1992
01:24:55,888 --> 01:24:57,056
of other shit, man,
I'm telling you.
1993
01:24:58,590 --> 01:25:00,860
Mary, actually, after
the show the other night,
1994
01:25:00,893 --> 01:25:02,394
asked me if I
wanted to get dinner.
1995
01:25:02,427 --> 01:25:03,896
And I told her I could,
1996
01:25:03,930 --> 01:25:06,531
but I would potentially
need to borrow your car,
1997
01:25:06,565 --> 01:25:07,867
if that was okay. But,
1998
01:25:07,900 --> 01:25:09,401
it would like be proving to her
1999
01:25:09,434 --> 01:25:12,471
like I'm putting my feet
in the right direction.
2000
01:25:12,504 --> 01:25:14,707
If I let you borrow
my car tomorrow,
2001
01:25:14,741 --> 01:25:18,543
you have to promise me that
you'll have it back by 9:00 PM.
2002
01:25:18,577 --> 01:25:21,346
Because Dante and Amir, they
both have shows tomorrow
2003
01:25:21,379 --> 01:25:24,382
and I need somebody here
to help me make sure
2004
01:25:24,416 --> 01:25:26,585
that this fundraiser goes
off without a hitch, bro.
2005
01:25:26,618 --> 01:25:27,887
- Yeah, done, yeah.
- Okay,
2006
01:25:27,920 --> 01:25:29,554
I'm serious Arnold,
because I mean,
2007
01:25:29,588 --> 01:25:32,225
I swear, with all those guys
gone and doing other things,
2008
01:25:32,257 --> 01:25:34,060
I mean, I'm really under
the gun and I just...
2009
01:25:34,093 --> 01:25:36,328
It's gonna be chaos, and I need
you to help me control it.
2010
01:25:36,361 --> 01:25:38,263
- I'll be there.
- Okay.
2011
01:25:38,296 --> 01:25:39,732
- [Kyle] You're
stealing our spots.
2012
01:25:39,766 --> 01:25:41,868
How the fuck are
they your spots?
2013
01:25:41,901 --> 01:25:43,401
Whoever fucking called it?
2014
01:25:43,435 --> 01:25:45,037
You don't know what
the shit I'm going through.
2015
01:25:45,071 --> 01:25:46,538
You guys wake up in
your comfy fucking beds
2016
01:25:46,571 --> 01:25:48,573
while I'm sleeping
in a fucking van.
2017
01:25:48,607 --> 01:25:51,210
I mean, maybe if you guys
grew some fucking balls...
2018
01:25:51,244 --> 01:25:53,012
You don't have the balls.
2019
01:25:53,045 --> 01:25:57,183
You just came in with your
ability to deep throat. I'm out.
2020
01:25:59,218 --> 01:26:00,485
Fuck you.
2021
01:26:01,821 --> 01:26:04,389
- Hey! You didn't pay for your shit.
- Arnold got it.
2022
01:26:04,422 --> 01:26:06,125
Oh, no, Arnold won't.
2023
01:26:06,159 --> 01:26:07,292
[Nelly sighs]
2024
01:26:09,494 --> 01:26:11,296
- So what's up?
- I don't know.
2025
01:26:11,329 --> 01:26:12,865
I guess I'm just trying to, uh,
2026
01:26:12,899 --> 01:26:14,700
control all the rage inside
that wants
2027
01:26:14,734 --> 01:26:16,235
to kick your
initiative-taking balls.
2028
01:26:16,269 --> 01:26:17,737
I don't get the big deal.
2029
01:26:17,770 --> 01:26:19,272
I'm trying to take a job
to actually make something
2030
01:26:19,304 --> 01:26:20,605
of this fucking comedy thing.
2031
01:26:20,640 --> 01:26:22,474
I mean you both
should fucking try it.
2032
01:26:22,507 --> 01:26:24,076
Really?
2033
01:26:24,110 --> 01:26:27,113
What are you, the tall,
white, fat Kevin Hart now?
2034
01:26:27,146 --> 01:26:30,817
You can get one gig, and you
think you're making moves?
2035
01:26:30,850 --> 01:26:32,051
Fuck you.
2036
01:26:32,084 --> 01:26:33,653
Move, get the fuck out my way.
2037
01:26:33,686 --> 01:26:34,887
Wow.
2038
01:26:35,922 --> 01:26:40,559
[loudly sighs] Well,
I need a fucking drink.
2039
01:26:40,592 --> 01:26:41,961
Yeah, they, uh... they
do mimosas here.
2040
01:26:41,994 --> 01:26:43,229
Yeah, I'm gonna have
to fucking order it?
2041
01:26:43,262 --> 01:26:44,730
Where's your fucking
fake ID, huh?
2042
01:26:44,764 --> 01:26:46,398
Yeah, you're clowning on me.
how you fucking like it?
2043
01:26:46,431 --> 01:26:48,935
I have my card, so I'll buy.
2044
01:26:48,968 --> 01:26:50,402
No, I don't have my ID.
2045
01:26:50,435 --> 01:26:52,238
- [Arnold loudly sighs]
- That shit fell through.
2046
01:26:52,271 --> 01:26:55,074
What's the deal, are you
fucking pissed at me too?
2047
01:26:55,107 --> 01:26:56,976
- Like seriously?
- Bro...
2048
01:26:57,009 --> 01:27:00,146
Was it a dick move
to do what you did? Yes.
2049
01:27:00,179 --> 01:27:02,248
Are you undeserving
of that spot?
2050
01:27:02,281 --> 01:27:03,850
No question.
2051
01:27:03,883 --> 01:27:05,818
Are you backstabbing everybody
that you met out here
2052
01:27:05,852 --> 01:27:07,485
- in your time of need?
- [sighs]
2053
01:27:07,519 --> 01:27:08,688
Undoubtedly.
2054
01:27:09,822 --> 01:27:12,758
- Is it ridiculous to...
- All right, I get it, dude.
2055
01:27:12,792 --> 01:27:15,995
No, no. But I...
I feel you, bro.
2056
01:27:16,028 --> 01:27:18,097
Sometimes you gotta
do desperate shit.
2057
01:27:18,130 --> 01:27:20,199
All right, I'm getting
us fucking drunk.
2058
01:27:20,233 --> 01:27:21,901
Bottomless, please.
2059
01:27:23,035 --> 01:27:24,971
Grapefruit, not orange.
2060
01:27:25,004 --> 01:27:27,640
- [vocalizing]
- ♪ I wanna ride you ♪
2061
01:27:27,673 --> 01:27:30,109
♪ I want, I want,
I want, I-I-I-I ♪
2062
01:27:31,811 --> 01:27:34,280
[vocalizing]
2063
01:27:35,248 --> 01:27:37,116
♪ I wanna ride you ♪
2064
01:27:39,151 --> 01:27:41,721
♪ Baby ♪
2065
01:27:41,754 --> 01:27:44,456
- [sirens]
- ♪ Got truth, want tru... ♪
2066
01:27:44,489 --> 01:27:47,525
Oh! Oh! Whoa!
2067
01:27:48,094 --> 01:27:50,363
Oh! Oh no! No!
2068
01:27:50,395 --> 01:27:53,366
[soft dramatic music]
2069
01:28:05,378 --> 01:28:06,611
Fuck.
2070
01:28:13,518 --> 01:28:15,087
Griff, you're hosting tonight.
2071
01:28:16,088 --> 01:28:17,390
Yeah, take this.
2072
01:28:17,422 --> 01:28:18,758
Ah, fuck.
2073
01:28:18,791 --> 01:28:20,226
I'm hosting tonight?
2074
01:28:20,259 --> 01:28:22,261
- Yep. Arnold was supposed to be here.
- [Kyle] Why?
2075
01:28:22,295 --> 01:28:24,030
I don't know where he is. He
should have been here by now.
2076
01:28:24,063 --> 01:28:25,331
I don't know what's going on.
2077
01:28:25,364 --> 01:28:26,431
I would have thought
you would have thrown
2078
01:28:26,464 --> 01:28:27,934
every single chair in the room
2079
01:28:27,967 --> 01:28:30,602
when you found out that he
bailed because of the gig.
2080
01:28:30,636 --> 01:28:32,570
- Gig? He's on a date.
- Date?
2081
01:28:32,604 --> 01:28:34,240
Amir lost his spot at The Store
2082
01:28:34,273 --> 01:28:36,108
And he took it. Like an asshole.
2083
01:28:36,142 --> 01:28:37,877
We gave him shit
for it. Check it out.
2084
01:28:37,910 --> 01:28:40,279
Kyle, I'm sure he'll be
here after his betrayal.
2085
01:28:40,313 --> 01:28:42,882
I don't know, man. You know,
he was drinking a lot.
2086
01:28:42,915 --> 01:28:44,449
Like, a lot.
2087
01:28:44,482 --> 01:28:46,686
What do you mean by a lot?
What the hell is going on here?
2088
01:28:46,719 --> 01:28:47,887
- Too much.
- Kyle?
2089
01:28:47,920 --> 01:28:49,989
Have you met Arnold?
2090
01:28:50,890 --> 01:28:52,224
Your car's probably
in the impound
2091
01:28:52,258 --> 01:28:54,060
with him sleeping
in it right now.
2092
01:28:54,093 --> 01:28:57,863
There is no way that Arnold
is that freaking stupid, man.
2093
01:28:57,897 --> 01:29:00,132
Oh my God. He knows that that
would totally tank
2094
01:29:00,166 --> 01:29:01,701
our renewal fund, man.
2095
01:29:01,734 --> 01:29:04,136
He knows that, right?
2096
01:29:04,170 --> 01:29:05,371
Right?
2097
01:29:19,752 --> 01:29:21,354
Maybe just throw one chair?
2098
01:29:25,324 --> 01:29:27,525
[dramatic music]
2099
01:29:28,794 --> 01:29:30,796
[Chet] I just want to know,
like...
2100
01:29:30,830 --> 01:29:33,265
what I should do...
2101
01:29:33,299 --> 01:29:35,634
to be more... funny.
2102
01:29:35,668 --> 01:29:37,569
More funny than you are now?
2103
01:29:37,602 --> 01:29:40,505
Most funny in like two months,
so I could headline.
2104
01:29:40,538 --> 01:29:43,309
Maybe the comedy club, like
The J Spot or
2105
01:29:43,342 --> 01:29:44,777
- The Store, or anything.
- Wow, yeah.
2106
01:29:44,810 --> 01:29:46,145
I feel like, in greatness,
2107
01:29:46,178 --> 01:29:48,347
you should always just
push the boundaries.
2108
01:29:48,381 --> 01:29:50,750
- I feel like I'm close.
- You are very close, Chad.
2109
01:29:50,783 --> 01:29:53,152
- Just Chet, bro.
- Chet, sorry about that.
2110
01:29:53,185 --> 01:29:54,687
Be yourself, you
know what I mean?
2111
01:29:54,720 --> 01:29:56,822
You gotta be honest.
It's about truth, honesty...
2112
01:29:56,856 --> 01:29:59,358
- be yourself.
- Is this bandana honest?
2113
01:29:59,392 --> 01:30:01,460
Now step two is a lot
harder than step one.
2114
01:30:01,494 --> 01:30:02,762
That's step one.
2115
01:30:02,795 --> 01:30:04,296
Without step one,
there's no step two.
2116
01:30:04,330 --> 01:30:05,965
But step two, I'm gonna let
you in on a little secret.
2117
01:30:05,998 --> 01:30:07,133
Do you want me to...
2118
01:30:07,166 --> 01:30:08,667
No, come close.
I'm gonna tell you.
2119
01:30:08,701 --> 01:30:10,703
- What, closer?
- Listen, it's a fucking secret. Okay,
2120
01:30:10,736 --> 01:30:13,506
Step two, in this process,
2121
01:30:13,538 --> 01:30:16,475
is... when you leave here
today...
2122
01:30:16,509 --> 01:30:18,044
- Okay.
- I want you to get into your car...
2123
01:30:18,077 --> 01:30:20,012
- I can do this.
- Turn on the car.
2124
01:30:20,046 --> 01:30:21,180
Okay.
2125
01:30:21,213 --> 01:30:24,549
- Drive home...
- Eco mode or sport mode?
2126
01:30:24,582 --> 01:30:27,319
- Eco mode, of course.
- Okay.
2127
01:30:27,353 --> 01:30:30,990
One mile per hour
over the speed limit
2128
01:30:31,023 --> 01:30:32,391
to wherever it is that you live.
2129
01:30:32,425 --> 01:30:34,994
- That's badass.
- Okay?
2130
01:30:35,027 --> 01:30:37,196
When you get home, I want
you to get onto your bed
2131
01:30:37,229 --> 01:30:40,699
and I want you to meditate
for 20 minutes.
2132
01:30:40,733 --> 01:30:42,068
- So right up my alley.
- Okay?
2133
01:30:42,101 --> 01:30:43,502
I can so do that.
2134
01:30:43,536 --> 01:30:48,207
To the following mantra,
repeated after me.
2135
01:30:48,874 --> 01:30:51,210
- Hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-ya.
- Okay.
2136
01:30:51,243 --> 01:30:54,046
[Together]
Hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-ya.
2137
01:30:54,080 --> 01:30:56,482
Hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-ya.
2138
01:30:56,515 --> 01:30:59,085
- I kinda like it, okay.
- Hi-yi-yi-ya, ya-yi-ya.
2139
01:30:59,118 --> 01:31:02,054
- Hi-yi-yi-ya, hi...
- Hi-yi-yi-ya, hey ya.
2140
01:31:02,088 --> 01:31:06,325
At that point, I want you
to take two weeks off.
2141
01:31:06,358 --> 01:31:07,560
Okay.
2142
01:31:07,592 --> 01:31:10,429
And then never do
standup comedy again.
2143
01:31:10,463 --> 01:31:11,897
- Okay.
- All right?
2144
01:31:11,931 --> 01:31:13,766
Thank you, David.
2145
01:31:13,799 --> 01:31:15,501
- Thank you, Chet.
- Great job up there.
2146
01:31:15,534 --> 01:31:16,601
Very nice work.
2147
01:31:16,635 --> 01:31:18,370
- And...
- Chet, Chad, Chet?
2148
01:31:18,404 --> 01:31:21,540
- Chet. Just Chet.
- Chet, just Chet.
2149
01:31:21,574 --> 01:31:24,577
All right, cool. I'll see
you guys later on my journey.
2150
01:31:24,609 --> 01:31:27,179
Okay, all right.
And the bandana looks great.
2151
01:31:27,213 --> 01:31:28,414
Thank you.
2152
01:31:29,248 --> 01:31:31,083
- Wow.
- Oh my God.
2153
01:31:31,117 --> 01:31:32,351
Hi.
2154
01:31:32,384 --> 01:31:34,420
Where have you been?
Where have you been?
2155
01:31:34,453 --> 01:31:36,422
You leave me here with these
people? Where have you been?
2156
01:31:36,455 --> 01:31:39,091
Yeah, I feel really
bad about that.
2157
01:31:39,125 --> 01:31:40,493
Oh my God.
2158
01:31:41,626 --> 01:31:43,896
- So how's business?
- Business is good!
2159
01:31:43,929 --> 01:31:45,965
Comedy sucks. I actually
had a little trouble
2160
01:31:45,998 --> 01:31:47,366
getting all the seats
filled this week.
2161
01:31:47,399 --> 01:31:48,567
Oh, I wonder why.
2162
01:31:48,601 --> 01:31:50,703
Yeah, mainly
because nobody wants
2163
01:31:50,736 --> 01:31:52,204
to watch people bomb for an hour
2164
01:31:52,238 --> 01:31:54,707
and then come up there
and eat shit themselves. Yeah.
2165
01:31:54,740 --> 01:31:56,108
That's pretty much it.
2166
01:31:56,142 --> 01:31:58,611
Speaking of bombing, uh...
2167
01:31:58,644 --> 01:32:00,813
- anybody from the crew ever stop by?
- Oh...
2168
01:32:00,846 --> 01:32:04,483
Hell no. I wish. That's
why it's so good to see you.
2169
01:32:04,517 --> 01:32:06,552
Dante and Amir are on tour.
2170
01:32:06,585 --> 01:32:08,787
Devontae is hosting J Spot.
2171
01:32:08,821 --> 01:32:12,391
I would suck a pirate's
asshole just to hear Kyle
2172
01:32:12,424 --> 01:32:14,326
talk about having sex
with his sister, man.
2173
01:32:14,360 --> 01:32:15,794
- Oh, no, oh, not good.
- That's how bad it is.
2174
01:32:15,828 --> 01:32:18,764
That's how bad it is. Oh my God.
2175
01:32:18,797 --> 01:32:21,100
Why did you quit?
2176
01:32:21,133 --> 01:32:22,968
I... ugh.
2177
01:32:23,002 --> 01:32:25,771
I think I realized that, uh,
2178
01:32:25,804 --> 01:32:27,439
I dunno, I missed my window.
2179
01:32:27,473 --> 01:32:28,774
- Oh my God.
- I kinda aged out.
2180
01:32:28,807 --> 01:32:30,809
Oh, shut up.
That's the biggest pile
2181
01:32:30,843 --> 01:32:33,112
of eagle shit I've
ever heard in my life.
2182
01:32:33,145 --> 01:32:35,915
Nelly, why did you even get
into this in the first place?
2183
01:32:35,948 --> 01:32:37,750
You aged out, get the fuck...
2184
01:32:37,783 --> 01:32:42,054
You know why?
To make people laugh or cry.
2185
01:32:42,087 --> 01:32:43,622
Both, if I could have it my way.
2186
01:32:43,657 --> 01:32:45,624
Oh my God, that's the
thing with you young fucks.
2187
01:32:45,659 --> 01:32:47,526
You know, you just want
everything right now, you know?
2188
01:32:47,560 --> 01:32:49,628
You can't just
wait another year.
2189
01:32:49,663 --> 01:32:52,666
It's what... You know, you gotta
put the time in, come on.
2190
01:32:52,698 --> 01:32:55,968
Dave, I'm like two
years younger than you.
2191
01:32:56,001 --> 01:32:57,803
Oh. Well, in that case,
2192
01:32:57,836 --> 01:32:59,772
I'm surprised it took
you this long to quit.
2193
01:32:59,805 --> 01:33:01,540
Jesus Christ, what are
you doing with your life?
2194
01:33:01,574 --> 01:33:03,042
I do miss it though.
2195
01:33:03,075 --> 01:33:04,644
Yeah, I know you do.
That's why you're here.
2196
01:33:04,678 --> 01:33:05,945
- I missed you.
- Come here.
2197
01:33:05,978 --> 01:33:08,147
All right. All right. Aw.
2198
01:33:08,180 --> 01:33:09,281
Can I do five?
2199
01:33:09,315 --> 01:33:10,883
- Yes, go!
- Thank you.
2200
01:33:11,984 --> 01:33:14,753
Ladies, don't let
the patriarchy fool you.
2201
01:33:15,387 --> 01:33:17,657
We could step into brothels too.
2202
01:33:17,691 --> 01:33:20,226
Next time you're in Brazil,
I need you to go
2203
01:33:20,259 --> 01:33:22,494
to La Casa de Big Platanos
2204
01:33:22,528 --> 01:33:26,799
and you're gonna request
Senor Rico Gustavo Santiago.
2205
01:33:26,832 --> 01:33:29,168
You're gonna request
the number three.
2206
01:33:29,201 --> 01:33:30,803
You won't regret it.
2207
01:33:30,836 --> 01:33:32,838
It's like...
2208
01:33:32,871 --> 01:33:35,642
- taking a ride on the Magic School Bus.
- [laughter]
2209
01:33:35,675 --> 01:33:37,509
Can't fucking wait to go back.
2210
01:33:37,543 --> 01:33:39,078
[cheering, applauding]
2211
01:33:39,111 --> 01:33:41,313
I mean the first time I got
molly, I got it from my mom.
2212
01:33:41,347 --> 01:33:44,250
We were rolling together,
and when we do drug deals,
2213
01:33:44,283 --> 01:33:46,518
it's not like that
awkward, like,
2214
01:33:46,552 --> 01:33:49,989
"Oh my God," like
drug-deal conversation.
2215
01:33:50,022 --> 01:33:51,725
"How was your day?"
Ugh.
2216
01:33:51,757 --> 01:33:54,893
All we do is talk about
who's gonna do the dishes.
2217
01:33:55,861 --> 01:33:58,264
I loved your set. Oh my God.
2218
01:33:58,297 --> 01:34:01,600
The Casa to Ponte Nino's?
Oh my God.
2219
01:34:01,635 --> 01:34:04,603
I wasn't gonna do this, but
I just have to ask, okay?
2220
01:34:04,638 --> 01:34:07,707
I am starting my own
all-female standup troupe,
2221
01:34:07,741 --> 01:34:10,042
and we're just gonna be
touring like West Coast,
2222
01:34:10,075 --> 01:34:11,711
all along the
Pacific coast trail.
2223
01:34:11,745 --> 01:34:16,282
It's gonna be so pretty, and
it's, you know, not paid.
2224
01:34:16,315 --> 01:34:18,417
But all expenses are covered,
2225
01:34:18,450 --> 01:34:21,186
and our girl just like totally
ditched us last minute.
2226
01:34:21,220 --> 01:34:22,656
And so we're just trying
to fill in the spot
2227
01:34:22,689 --> 01:34:24,724
and I think you'd be
such a good addition.
2228
01:34:24,758 --> 01:34:27,727
Oh my God, just, do you
wanna, like, check it out?
2229
01:34:27,761 --> 01:34:31,096
The tour is called
"Yo Ga Girl Tour."
2230
01:34:31,130 --> 01:34:32,931
Isn't it cute? I came up
with it myself.
2231
01:34:32,965 --> 01:34:35,601
It's like, you know,
"You go, girl." Yeah.
2232
01:34:35,635 --> 01:34:38,070
- Yeah, I get it. I get it.
- Yeah, you get it? Okay, so,
2233
01:34:38,103 --> 01:34:39,739
We actually
like booked a shaman
2234
01:34:39,773 --> 01:34:41,140
like straight from Peru, right?
2235
01:34:41,173 --> 01:34:42,642
He's gonna bring some Ayahuasca.
2236
01:34:42,676 --> 01:34:44,209
We really want to get in touch
with our funny bones.
2237
01:34:44,243 --> 01:34:45,779
Because you know, all
comedians, especially fe...
2238
01:34:45,811 --> 01:34:47,279
Yeah, you can
take my number down.
2239
01:34:47,313 --> 01:34:48,614
Wait, wait. Really?
2240
01:34:48,648 --> 01:34:50,717
Yeah, yeah. Please
just stop talking.
2241
01:34:50,750 --> 01:34:53,485
I feel like dogs
are kinda like kids.
2242
01:34:55,020 --> 01:34:58,157
Yeah, nice. Nice. That, um...
2243
01:34:58,190 --> 01:35:01,093
Give it up again for um...
2244
01:35:01,126 --> 01:35:02,394
I don't rem... I don't actu...
2245
01:35:02,428 --> 01:35:04,798
I don't know who...
Yeah, who cares?
2246
01:35:04,830 --> 01:35:08,067
I'm not even really
sorry y'all. I... This is...
2247
01:35:08,100 --> 01:35:09,468
I can't believe y'all
keep having me come here
2248
01:35:09,501 --> 01:35:11,170
for this shit.
You keep this going.
2249
01:35:11,203 --> 01:35:12,304
Hopefully you got some drinks.
2250
01:35:12,338 --> 01:35:13,673
I think you did. Some of you
did,
2251
01:35:13,707 --> 01:35:15,107
'cause I heard some
people were laughing.
2252
01:35:15,140 --> 01:35:16,408
There really wasn't
shit to laugh about
2253
01:35:16,442 --> 01:35:18,243
the whole night. At all.
2254
01:35:18,277 --> 01:35:20,012
None... They shit ain't funny.
2255
01:35:20,946 --> 01:35:24,249
So... Fuck you for having me.
2256
01:35:26,285 --> 01:35:28,487
Do you wanna... Wanna grab your
stuff?
2257
01:35:28,520 --> 01:35:30,155
Yeah, that would be great.
Thank you.
2258
01:35:30,189 --> 01:35:33,158
I have it... here in a bag.
2259
01:35:33,192 --> 01:35:35,795
- so you can just...
- Oh, my God. Thank you.
2260
01:35:35,829 --> 01:35:38,030
It's all ready to go.
2261
01:35:38,063 --> 01:35:40,099
I don't know if you wanna go
through it, or...
2262
01:35:40,132 --> 01:35:42,935
- Eh, seems pretty good.
- All there?
2263
01:35:45,404 --> 01:35:46,605
Is that everything?
2264
01:35:47,473 --> 01:35:49,108
Stay right here. You reminded
me.
2265
01:35:51,711 --> 01:35:53,112
Do you...
2266
01:35:54,413 --> 01:35:57,049
- Oh my God.
- Still play?
2267
01:36:01,086 --> 01:36:03,857
It's been, um...
2268
01:36:03,889 --> 01:36:07,226
- It's been years.
- It's something that maybe you...
2269
01:36:07,259 --> 01:36:08,994
- pick back up, Dave.
- Thank you.
2270
01:36:09,027 --> 01:36:10,295
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
2271
01:36:10,329 --> 01:36:12,164
Yeah.
2272
01:36:12,197 --> 01:36:16,135
And, I'm sorry, too. You know...
I mean... I've been, uh...
2273
01:36:16,168 --> 01:36:19,071
I've been such a big baby
about this whole thing. I...
2274
01:36:19,104 --> 01:36:20,840
Literally, say no more.
2275
01:36:20,874 --> 01:36:22,508
- Oh my God.
- You're fine.
2276
01:36:22,541 --> 01:36:23,976
I... No, thank you.
And I...
2277
01:36:24,009 --> 01:36:25,879
You're fine.
2278
01:36:25,911 --> 01:36:28,681
Are you, uh... Are you...
Are you good?
2279
01:36:28,715 --> 01:36:31,216
- Yeah, I'm taking care of myself.
- Good.
2280
01:36:31,250 --> 01:36:33,185
[dramatic music]
2281
01:36:33,218 --> 01:36:34,721
[man] All right.
2282
01:36:34,754 --> 01:36:36,856
You got the... You ready?
2283
01:36:36,890 --> 01:36:38,691
I don't think that comes off,
Dad.
2284
01:36:38,725 --> 01:36:41,493
- Huh?
- I jus... I... Nothing.
2285
01:36:41,527 --> 01:36:43,897
I think I almost got it.
I need the uh...
2286
01:36:43,929 --> 01:36:47,032
Could you get me the number
four outta my bag?
2287
01:36:47,065 --> 01:36:50,402
Please, 'cause I think
we're almost there.
2288
01:36:50,436 --> 01:36:51,704
A number four.
2289
01:36:51,738 --> 01:36:53,740
- Roman numeral?
- No, nevermind.
2290
01:36:53,773 --> 01:36:56,676
There's only alphabet letters,
Dad. There's no numbers.
2291
01:36:56,709 --> 01:36:58,912
Okay, okay. That's
all right, I got it.
2292
01:36:58,944 --> 01:37:00,713
Okay, Arnie, let's...
2293
01:37:00,747 --> 01:37:02,715
- Let's give it a shot, okay?
- Okay.
2294
01:37:02,749 --> 01:37:04,316
- Give it a try.
- All right.
2295
01:37:04,983 --> 01:37:06,051
Nope, nope, oh...
2296
01:37:06,084 --> 01:37:07,186
- There we go.
- There it goes.
2297
01:37:07,219 --> 01:37:08,721
I didn't flip the switch.
2298
01:37:08,755 --> 01:37:11,190
- So it's fixed.
- All right.
2299
01:37:11,223 --> 01:37:12,692
All right, good job.
2300
01:37:12,725 --> 01:37:13,860
Good job.
2301
01:37:13,893 --> 01:37:14,993
[grunting]
2302
01:37:15,762 --> 01:37:18,798
Got a little something
here for you.
2303
01:37:18,832 --> 01:37:20,132
Yeah? Ah.
2304
01:37:20,165 --> 01:37:21,768
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
2305
01:37:21,801 --> 01:37:23,569
Needed that.
2306
01:37:23,602 --> 01:37:24,904
All this hard work I'm doing.
2307
01:37:24,938 --> 01:37:26,305
Yeah.
2308
01:37:26,739 --> 01:37:27,941
I, uh...
2309
01:37:28,808 --> 01:37:31,109
I got you something for your
birthday next month.
2310
01:37:31,143 --> 01:37:34,814
Your mother said it would
be on my email here.
2311
01:37:34,848 --> 01:37:36,148
Yeah?
2312
01:37:36,181 --> 01:37:39,786
Ah. Okay... Just,
just go ahead and...
2313
01:37:41,754 --> 01:37:43,723
[soft music]
Oh.
2314
01:37:43,756 --> 01:37:45,390
Did we get it right?
2315
01:37:45,424 --> 01:37:48,293
Your mother said you, you
were in a show with this guy.
2316
01:37:48,327 --> 01:37:49,662
Yeah.
2317
01:37:50,996 --> 01:37:55,267
Yeah, I did. That's, uh...
That's really cool, Dad.
2318
01:37:55,300 --> 01:37:56,803
Uh, thanks.
2319
01:37:58,838 --> 01:38:03,776
You look like I just
invited you to a damn funeral.
2320
01:38:03,810 --> 01:38:05,945
I don't know, I just,
2321
01:38:05,979 --> 01:38:07,780
I kinda miss it pretty
bad, that's all.
2322
01:38:07,814 --> 01:38:11,851
No, you know, well.
Standup is not my world,
2323
01:38:11,885 --> 01:38:16,154
but you know,
LA does not own comedy.
2324
01:38:16,188 --> 01:38:17,523
Mm-hmm.
2325
01:38:17,556 --> 01:38:19,926
If you miss making
people laugh,
2326
01:38:19,959 --> 01:38:22,127
well, then, then do it.
2327
01:38:22,160 --> 01:38:24,029
You could do it anywhere.
2328
01:38:24,062 --> 01:38:27,165
- Yeah, yeah. Technically you're right.
- Yeah, of course I'm right.
2329
01:38:27,199 --> 01:38:30,269
You make me laugh. [chuckling]
Every time you climb the ladder.
2330
01:38:31,537 --> 01:38:32,805
God.
2331
01:38:32,839 --> 01:38:36,843
"Oh! Ohh!"
[laughing]
2332
01:38:38,243 --> 01:38:42,114
I got an idea. Why don't
you give this guy a call?
2333
01:38:42,147 --> 01:38:44,984
Say you're in town. Oh!
You know what'll happen?
2334
01:38:45,018 --> 01:38:47,152
I've seen this happen
all the time on TV.
2335
01:38:47,185 --> 01:38:50,023
He calls you up
from the audience.
2336
01:38:50,055 --> 01:38:52,792
You go up on stage. And
you do a couple of bits.
2337
01:38:52,825 --> 01:38:55,728
Wow. I think...
I think you're right.
2338
01:38:55,762 --> 01:38:56,996
Maybe his agent will be there
2339
01:38:57,030 --> 01:38:58,330
and I can get signed by him too!
2340
01:38:58,363 --> 01:38:59,699
- Yes! Yes!
- Oh my God.
2341
01:38:59,732 --> 01:39:01,734
You're so right,
Dad. That's genius.
2342
01:39:01,768 --> 01:39:03,135
Back to Hollywood.
2343
01:39:03,168 --> 01:39:04,403
Back to Hollywood, there you go.
2344
01:39:04,436 --> 01:39:06,873
- Back to Hollywood.
- Oh my God, Dad.
2345
01:39:06,906 --> 01:39:08,641
Love you, but Jesus.
2346
01:39:08,675 --> 01:39:10,009
But when it came down to it,
2347
01:39:10,043 --> 01:39:11,343
I wanted to see what
them titties do, so I said
2348
01:39:11,376 --> 01:39:14,681
"roll 'em on out
and roll 'em back up," you know?
2349
01:39:14,714 --> 01:39:16,015
All right, let's keep it going
2350
01:39:16,049 --> 01:39:17,684
for your next comic
coming to the stage.
2351
01:39:17,717 --> 01:39:19,986
His name is Jared. Everyone
give it up for Jared.
2352
01:39:21,054 --> 01:39:23,656
Yeah, come on, Jared. You're up.
2353
01:39:23,690 --> 01:39:24,924
Here you go, man.
2354
01:39:24,958 --> 01:39:26,592
Thanks, man. Thank you.
Thank you.
2355
01:39:26,625 --> 01:39:29,561
So, uh, you know,
I celebrated uh...
2356
01:39:29,595 --> 01:39:31,530
there being no, uh, drug
overdoses
2357
01:39:31,563 --> 01:39:35,835
with a celebratory
beer and some oxies.
2358
01:39:35,868 --> 01:39:38,905
Some oxies. Um...
That's everything I got.
2359
01:39:38,938 --> 01:39:41,007
Thank you so much,
guys. Appreciate it.
2360
01:39:41,040 --> 01:39:43,342
[light music]
2361
01:39:44,443 --> 01:39:46,445
Eh, you know who I think
2362
01:39:46,478 --> 01:39:48,447
is the biggest piece of shit on
Earth?
2363
01:39:48,480 --> 01:39:51,583
That guy that picks
the neighborhood whore
2364
01:39:51,617 --> 01:39:53,052
and makes that his girlfriend.
2365
01:39:53,086 --> 01:39:54,954
Why would you do that?
That's so selfish.
2366
01:39:54,988 --> 01:39:56,254
That's locking yourself inside
2367
01:39:56,288 --> 01:39:58,123
Hometown Buffet
and there's a bunch
2368
01:39:58,156 --> 01:40:00,727
of starving people outside,
why would you do that?
2369
01:40:00,760 --> 01:40:02,095
You selfish motherfucker.
2370
01:40:02,127 --> 01:40:04,496
[crowd laughing]
2371
01:40:07,299 --> 01:40:10,302
Yeah, man. You remember
the old saying?
2372
01:40:10,335 --> 01:40:13,006
Don't turn... You can't
turn a ho into a housewife.
2373
01:40:14,139 --> 01:40:15,207
It seems like you guys have lost
2374
01:40:15,240 --> 01:40:17,810
that saying in this generation.
2375
01:40:17,844 --> 01:40:19,378
He was gonna
kick me out anyway.
2376
01:40:19,411 --> 01:40:20,713
I... I fucking left before...
2377
01:40:20,747 --> 01:40:22,081
You don't know that.
2378
01:40:22,115 --> 01:40:24,083
You just assumed that he would.
2379
01:40:24,117 --> 01:40:26,151
How did you know that he
was gonna kick you out?
2380
01:40:26,184 --> 01:40:28,453
How do you know that?
You know what, you know what?
2381
01:40:28,487 --> 01:40:30,089
I don't need to fucking
listen to this shit, man.
2382
01:40:30,123 --> 01:40:31,556
Yes, you do. You know what?
2383
01:40:31,590 --> 01:40:33,225
We didn't even think
you were that good.
2384
01:40:33,258 --> 01:40:35,061
We just liked you because we
thought you were a good guy.
2385
01:40:35,094 --> 01:40:36,328
And you know what kills me?
2386
01:40:36,361 --> 01:40:38,831
You know what fucking
kills me inside?
2387
01:40:38,865 --> 01:40:40,633
It kills me that I open
2388
01:40:40,667 --> 01:40:42,334
for one of the biggest
comedians in the world
2389
01:40:42,367 --> 01:40:45,838
and I'm calling you back
over and over again.
2390
01:40:45,872 --> 01:40:47,640
You fucking cocksucker.
2391
01:40:47,674 --> 01:40:48,975
What the fuck?
2392
01:40:52,145 --> 01:40:53,445
Yeah, you're right.
2393
01:40:53,478 --> 01:40:57,950
I avoid all my
problems. I always have.
2394
01:40:57,984 --> 01:41:00,352
Thank you for letting
me know that's something
2395
01:41:00,385 --> 01:41:01,654
I already fucking know, man.
2396
01:41:01,688 --> 01:41:03,956
You can't run forever.
2397
01:41:03,990 --> 01:41:07,093
And then you ran from
people that embraced you.
2398
01:41:07,126 --> 01:41:10,029
What kind of fucking
shit is that?
2399
01:41:10,063 --> 01:41:11,864
Okay, I fucked up.
2400
01:41:12,732 --> 01:41:14,934
You're damn right.
2401
01:41:14,967 --> 01:41:17,770
But at least... At least you
learned a valuable lesson.
2402
01:41:20,006 --> 01:41:21,674
Okay. Which is what?
2403
01:41:21,708 --> 01:41:23,375
To never do that shit again.
2404
01:41:23,408 --> 01:41:25,277
And to go back up
again tomorrow.
2405
01:41:33,251 --> 01:41:35,121
Oh, God. Come here,
man. Gimme a hug.
2406
01:41:35,154 --> 01:41:37,222
You fucked up, so you
get up, you come here.
2407
01:41:37,255 --> 01:41:38,623
- Come on. Come here.
- [groans]
2408
01:41:38,658 --> 01:41:39,892
Come here, come here,
come here, come here.
2409
01:41:39,926 --> 01:41:41,060
- This is weird.
- Yeah, I know.
2410
01:41:41,094 --> 01:41:42,561
So what, it's only us here.
2411
01:41:42,594 --> 01:41:44,697
- You know what would make you feel better?
- What?
2412
01:41:44,731 --> 01:41:46,833
If you suck my
dick a little bit.
2413
01:41:46,866 --> 01:41:48,668
- Okay, oh my God.
- Come on, come on.
2414
01:41:48,701 --> 01:41:50,703
Do you know what they call my dick?
The Little Weinstein.
2415
01:41:50,737 --> 01:41:52,071
- All right.
- It creates headliners.
2416
01:41:52,105 --> 01:41:53,673
Yup. Okay, I'm outta here.
2417
01:41:53,706 --> 01:41:55,041
Come on, let me just
Weinstein your mouth.
2418
01:41:55,074 --> 01:41:56,241
All right.
2419
01:41:57,944 --> 01:42:00,747
He deserves it. He deserves
it, not the president.
2420
01:42:00,780 --> 01:42:02,815
You know? Fuck,
he's got a mansion,
2421
01:42:02,849 --> 01:42:04,183
he's got the private cook.
2422
01:42:04,217 --> 01:42:05,918
I would do the job
just for those things
2423
01:42:05,952 --> 01:42:07,352
with no money at all.
2424
01:42:07,385 --> 01:42:10,056
I mean, it's not that
hard of a choice anyways.
2425
01:42:10,089 --> 01:42:12,892
Oh my God, is that
who I think it is?
2426
01:42:12,925 --> 01:42:14,426
Is that Arnold?
2427
01:42:14,459 --> 01:42:16,062
What the hell are you
doing here right now, man?
2428
01:42:16,095 --> 01:42:18,030
[Arnold] I'm sorry.
2429
01:42:18,064 --> 01:42:19,832
You're... You...
I hope you're sorry.
2430
01:42:19,866 --> 01:42:22,101
Who'd like to hear
Arnold apologize, guys?
2431
01:42:22,135 --> 01:42:24,103
Come up here and tell
everybody that you're sorry.
2432
01:42:24,137 --> 01:42:25,337
No, just come up here.
2433
01:42:25,370 --> 01:42:27,173
- You're sorry?
- [woman] Come on!
2434
01:42:27,206 --> 01:42:28,573
Let's get your apology here.
2435
01:42:28,607 --> 01:42:30,509
All right, I'm gonna
go sit over here
2436
01:42:30,542 --> 01:42:32,779
and I'm gonna fucking be your
audience, all right.
2437
01:42:32,812 --> 01:42:34,513
Arnold Wilson, guys. Thank you.
2438
01:42:34,546 --> 01:42:36,215
[cheers]
2439
01:42:36,249 --> 01:42:38,316
[man] Apologize, bitch.
2440
01:42:39,284 --> 01:42:41,220
So, uh...
2441
01:42:41,254 --> 01:42:45,290
I did a, uh, fucked up thing
to Mr. Dave.
2442
01:42:45,323 --> 01:42:49,361
- And I got his car impounded.
- [man] What a dick.
2443
01:42:49,394 --> 01:42:51,864
For getting my third
fucking DUI.
2444
01:42:51,898 --> 01:42:55,701
And, uh, I ran away
so that I wouldn't have to...
2445
01:42:57,402 --> 01:42:59,038
hear about it.
2446
01:42:59,071 --> 01:43:02,574
And this is the first time
I've seen him since that.
2447
01:43:02,607 --> 01:43:06,212
And I am here to say
from the bottom
2448
01:43:06,245 --> 01:43:09,782
of my ice-cold, shallow
heart that...
2449
01:43:09,816 --> 01:43:12,084
I fucked up and I am sorry.
2450
01:43:12,118 --> 01:43:14,287
That's not loud enough,
Arnold.
2451
01:43:14,319 --> 01:43:16,354
[shouting] I fucked up.
2452
01:43:16,388 --> 01:43:18,224
I'm fucking sorry.
2453
01:43:18,257 --> 01:43:20,660
And I will never fucking
do that shit again.
2454
01:43:20,693 --> 01:43:22,594
- Louder, Arnold!
- [man] I didn't hear you.
2455
01:43:22,627 --> 01:43:24,396
I'm terribly sorry for being
2456
01:43:24,429 --> 01:43:26,666
a massive piece of fucking shit.
2457
01:43:26,699 --> 01:43:27,800
- Louder, Arnold!
- Louder!
2458
01:43:27,834 --> 01:43:29,101
We want more!
2459
01:43:29,135 --> 01:43:33,940
Dave, I fucked up,
and I am sorry!
2460
01:43:33,973 --> 01:43:37,276
I won't ever do that
fucking shit again!
2461
01:43:37,310 --> 01:43:40,279
I'm sorry for fucking jerking
off in my van too much.
2462
01:43:40,313 --> 01:43:41,814
I'm sorry for fucking...
2463
01:43:41,848 --> 01:43:44,516
[Dave] "I won't be
a backstabbing pussy," say it!
2464
01:43:47,352 --> 01:43:51,123
I won't be a backstabbing
fucking pussy.
2465
01:43:51,157 --> 01:43:53,625
Say it without being a fucking
little bitch about it.
2466
01:43:53,659 --> 01:43:55,695
I won't be a backstabbing
fucking pussy, okay?
2467
01:43:55,728 --> 01:43:57,596
"And I won't fucking
back-stab my fucking friends!"
2468
01:43:57,629 --> 01:43:59,799
And I won't back-stab
my fucking friends ever again.
2469
01:43:59,832 --> 01:44:01,399
"And I got tiny balls!"
2470
01:44:01,801 --> 01:44:04,937
- I do have tiny balls. I do have tiny balls.
- Whoo!
2471
01:44:04,971 --> 01:44:08,341
There we go. There we go.
Thank you, Arnold, thank you.
2472
01:44:08,373 --> 01:44:11,210
- [cheering]
- [man] Truth comes on thick.
2473
01:44:11,244 --> 01:44:12,812
Well, you know, there's...
2474
01:44:12,845 --> 01:44:14,446
someone told me last year
there's really no point
2475
01:44:14,479 --> 01:44:16,115
in holding grudges, so.
2476
01:44:16,148 --> 01:44:17,449
- Wow.
- Yeah.
2477
01:44:17,482 --> 01:44:19,318
- All right.
- Tough lesson for me too.
2478
01:44:19,352 --> 01:44:20,820
- Are we even?
- Yeah.
2479
01:44:20,853 --> 01:44:22,788
Thank you. Fuck, man.
2480
01:44:22,822 --> 01:44:24,522
- [Dave grunts]
- Oh, God.
2481
01:44:24,556 --> 01:44:27,293
- Now we're even.
- [Arnold coughing]
2482
01:44:29,394 --> 01:44:32,698
It's just excuse after excuse
and it's just, like, oh my God!
2483
01:44:32,732 --> 01:44:36,836
Get up there and just bomb like
a man, you know what I mean?
2484
01:44:36,869 --> 01:44:39,404
'Cause they don't get
it. Every bomb is a gift.
2485
01:44:39,437 --> 01:44:40,706
You're saying I have
that fucking gift.
2486
01:44:40,740 --> 01:44:43,376
Yes! Your whole
life is a bomb, dude.
2487
01:44:44,844 --> 01:44:46,245
You actually fucking play?
2488
01:44:46,279 --> 01:44:47,647
- Yeah, man.
- Great.
2489
01:44:47,680 --> 01:44:49,949
This one goes out
to you, Arnold. Yeah.
2490
01:44:49,982 --> 01:44:52,584
♪ Despite your best efforts ♪
2491
01:44:52,617 --> 01:44:56,122
- ♪ You tried your damn best ♪
- I see what you're doing now.
2492
01:44:56,155 --> 01:44:58,556
♪ To tear down my business ♪
2493
01:44:58,590 --> 01:45:01,160
♪ A valiant quest ♪
2494
01:45:01,193 --> 01:45:06,165
♪ But MICerz don't rest
From dusk until dawn ♪
2495
01:45:06,198 --> 01:45:11,503
♪ So as of today
The Bomb Shelter lives ♪
2496
01:45:11,536 --> 01:45:13,940
♪ On ♪
2497
01:45:13,973 --> 01:45:17,442
- Wow. Wow.
- Explosion, Arnold!
2498
01:45:17,475 --> 01:45:19,845
Okay, honestly, I see
why you fucking quit music.
2499
01:45:21,247 --> 01:45:23,581
Fuck you mean
The Bomb Shelter lives on?
2500
01:45:23,615 --> 01:45:25,184
It lives on, man.
2501
01:45:25,217 --> 01:45:26,719
It's gonna need one hell
of a paint job, my friend.
2502
01:45:26,752 --> 01:45:28,387
- Oh!
- Yeah.
2503
01:45:28,421 --> 01:45:30,856
Okay, fuck washing dishes.
Yeah, whatever you need.
2504
01:45:30,890 --> 01:45:32,391
Can you put that
guitar away now?
2505
01:45:32,425 --> 01:45:34,093
I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm gonna walk home.
2506
01:45:34,126 --> 01:45:36,362
I will see you tomorrow,
bright and early.
2507
01:45:36,395 --> 01:45:38,064
- Where you going, Arnold?
- 11:00 a.m.
2508
01:45:38,097 --> 01:45:39,732
You don't want to hear a song
from me?
2509
01:45:39,765 --> 01:45:41,267
Arnold, it doesn't
have to be a lullaby.
2510
01:45:41,300 --> 01:45:43,903
We can play metal
shit together, bro!
2511
01:45:43,936 --> 01:45:45,570
Metal shit!
2512
01:45:45,603 --> 01:45:47,273
Explode, come on.
2513
01:45:50,343 --> 01:45:51,644
All right.
2514
01:46:02,520 --> 01:46:06,058
["Save Tonight" by
Eagle-Eye Cherry]
2515
01:46:09,795 --> 01:46:13,632
♪ Go and and close
The curtain ♪
2516
01:46:13,666 --> 01:46:17,803
♪ 'Cause all we need
Is candlelight ♪
2517
01:46:17,837 --> 01:46:21,606
♪ You and me,
And a bottle of wine ♪
2518
01:46:21,640 --> 01:46:26,045
♪ I'm gonna hold you tonight ♪
2519
01:46:26,078 --> 01:46:28,114
- ♪ Well we know... ♪
- Is that "Save Tonight"?
2520
01:46:28,147 --> 01:46:29,315
Oh my God!
2521
01:46:29,348 --> 01:46:30,548
Um, it...
2522
01:46:33,518 --> 01:46:34,820
Yeah.
2523
01:46:36,355 --> 01:46:39,125
♪ 'Cause girl you
Know I got to go ♪
2524
01:46:39,158 --> 01:46:40,693
♪ Ow ♪
2525
01:46:40,726 --> 01:46:43,362
♪ And Lord I wish it
Wasn't so ♪
2526
01:46:43,396 --> 01:46:45,431
♪ Save tonight ♪
2527
01:46:45,464 --> 01:46:46,531
All right, no, seriously...
2528
01:46:46,564 --> 01:46:47,633
I don't have a car;
I need a ride.
2529
01:46:47,666 --> 01:46:49,402
Okay, get in.
2530
01:46:53,205 --> 01:46:56,342
♪ Fight the break of dawn ♪
2531
01:46:56,375 --> 01:46:57,777
You fucking weirdo.
2532
01:46:58,811 --> 01:47:00,312
I know.
2533
01:47:00,346 --> 01:47:02,547
I was a dick.
2534
01:47:02,580 --> 01:47:04,884
It's okay. I forgive you.
2535
01:47:04,917 --> 01:47:06,152
Really?
2536
01:47:06,185 --> 01:47:09,221
I just learned to...
let go of all things
2537
01:47:09,688 --> 01:47:12,158
and only accept what is.
2538
01:47:12,191 --> 01:47:14,326
Because... what is is,
2539
01:47:14,360 --> 01:47:17,730
and what is not is not.
2540
01:47:17,763 --> 01:47:21,033
That does not... make
any fucking sense,
2541
01:47:21,067 --> 01:47:23,702
but I'm glad I got to see you.
2542
01:47:23,736 --> 01:47:25,538
We should hit up
a mic sometime soon.
2543
01:47:25,570 --> 01:47:27,339
I gotta go meet up
with my girls for now.
2544
01:47:27,373 --> 01:47:28,507
We got meditation.
2545
01:47:28,541 --> 01:47:29,809
You meditate now.
2546
01:47:29,842 --> 01:47:32,211
Mm-hm. I went
on a standup tour
2547
01:47:32,244 --> 01:47:34,013
with all-female yogi comics,
2548
01:47:34,046 --> 01:47:35,548
- [Arnold scoffs]
- And I learned
2549
01:47:35,580 --> 01:47:37,817
something really profound.
2550
01:47:37,850 --> 01:47:40,319
That you made
a terrible fucking choice
2551
01:47:40,352 --> 01:47:43,722
'cause you're not
a fucking yogi?
2552
01:47:43,756 --> 01:47:45,524
- No.
- [chuckling]
2553
01:47:45,558 --> 01:47:47,059
That the lack of spirituality
2554
01:47:47,093 --> 01:47:49,929
in comedy is a problem
for the future.
2555
01:47:49,962 --> 01:47:52,264
However... The future...
2556
01:47:53,466 --> 01:47:54,567
Is female.
2557
01:47:54,599 --> 01:47:56,936
[scoffs] God, I hope not.
2558
01:47:58,037 --> 01:47:59,305
Namaste.
2559
01:48:00,873 --> 01:48:02,408
Motherfucker.
2560
01:48:03,409 --> 01:48:05,344
There she is.
2561
01:48:05,377 --> 01:48:06,645
Ow, fuck!
2562
01:48:07,612 --> 01:48:09,515
What the fuck, man?
2563
01:48:09,548 --> 01:48:11,917
Those, my friend, are the keys
2564
01:48:11,951 --> 01:48:13,686
to your new apartment, okay?
2565
01:48:13,719 --> 01:48:15,620
First key opens up the gate.
2566
01:48:15,654 --> 01:48:17,857
Second key opens
up the front door.
2567
01:48:17,890 --> 01:48:20,593
Yeah, I need you to work...
I need you to work here
2568
01:48:20,625 --> 01:48:22,627
while I get the second
place up and running.
2569
01:48:22,661 --> 01:48:24,063
Why, why me?
2570
01:48:24,096 --> 01:48:25,764
I need someone here
that I can trust.
2571
01:48:25,798 --> 01:48:28,234
I trust you a hell of a lot
less after you destroyed my car.
2572
01:48:28,267 --> 01:48:30,402
Again, I don't
deserve this, but...
2573
01:48:30,436 --> 01:48:33,139
Arnold gimme, gimme
one of those things, huh?
2574
01:48:33,172 --> 01:48:35,841
Looking at you makes me want
to do horrible things to myself.
2575
01:48:37,476 --> 01:48:38,978
Here's the thing, you know.
2576
01:48:39,011 --> 01:48:41,280
When I used to watch you...
2577
01:48:41,313 --> 01:48:44,984
- waking up every morning in that disgusting van.
- Aw, man.
2578
01:48:45,017 --> 01:48:47,086
You know, just sweating your
balls off.
2579
01:48:47,119 --> 01:48:48,420
You know, I thought to myself,
2580
01:48:48,454 --> 01:48:52,158
if this guy can put
himself through that...
2581
01:48:52,191 --> 01:48:54,760
Yo, and based on a very
thin monochrome of talent,
2582
01:48:54,793 --> 01:48:56,462
let's be honest here, Arnold.
2583
01:48:56,495 --> 01:48:57,596
- If that.
- Yeah.
2584
01:48:57,630 --> 01:48:59,165
If I give him
an opportunity,
2585
01:48:59,198 --> 01:49:00,599
there is a good
chance that this guy
2586
01:49:00,634 --> 01:49:02,601
could be fricking great.
2587
01:49:02,636 --> 01:49:03,869
Let me tell ya,
2588
01:49:04,603 --> 01:49:06,839
I know you're not
gonna let me down.
2589
01:49:06,872 --> 01:49:09,275
Are we... partners?
2590
01:49:09,308 --> 01:49:12,278
We're beyond partners,
bro. We're family, man.
2591
01:49:12,311 --> 01:49:13,612
[both laughing]
2592
01:49:13,647 --> 01:49:15,281
Yes! God!
2593
01:49:15,314 --> 01:49:17,082
Bomb Shelters everywhere, man!
2594
01:49:17,116 --> 01:49:19,351
- All right, all right.
- Okay? All right?
2595
01:49:31,330 --> 01:49:32,598
What's the deal,
you're not coming in?
2596
01:49:32,631 --> 01:49:33,966
Just enjoy the new place.
2597
01:49:33,999 --> 01:49:35,334
- Okay.
- Yeah.
2598
01:49:37,637 --> 01:49:41,273
Um... You know man, I can't
thank you enough for...
2599
01:49:42,408 --> 01:49:43,943
Just ev... Everything.
2600
01:49:43,976 --> 01:49:45,477
Arnold, just try not
to fuck over any more
2601
01:49:45,511 --> 01:49:46,946
of your friends and
everything's gonna be fine.
2602
01:49:46,979 --> 01:49:49,481
- Cool. Yeah, totally.
- Work itself right out.
2603
01:49:49,515 --> 01:49:50,684
Got it, yeah. Great.
2604
01:49:50,716 --> 01:49:52,284
By the way. By the way...
2605
01:49:52,318 --> 01:49:54,520
I decorated the whole
place myself, all right?
2606
01:49:54,553 --> 01:49:56,589
It's fully furnished, it's
got everything you need.
2607
01:49:58,658 --> 01:50:01,527
[soft music rising]
2608
01:50:16,742 --> 01:50:18,577
Awww!
2609
01:50:28,087 --> 01:50:29,288
Amazing.
2610
01:50:48,742 --> 01:50:52,511
All right, next comic
coming to the stage.
2611
01:50:52,544 --> 01:50:54,146
♪ When I roll up to the club ♪
[upbeat hip hop]
2612
01:50:54,179 --> 01:50:56,215
♪ All I wanna see is
Chonka lonka ♪
2613
01:50:56,248 --> 01:50:59,184
♪ Pull up on dub in the
Backseat is chonka lonka ♪
2614
01:50:59,218 --> 01:51:00,687
♪ Better show me love ♪
2615
01:51:00,720 --> 01:51:02,187
♪ If you know you
Got a chonka lonka ♪
2616
01:51:02,221 --> 01:51:03,889
♪ Don't care about them jugs ♪
2617
01:51:03,922 --> 01:51:05,457
♪ I just wanna see some
Chonka lonka ♪
2618
01:51:05,491 --> 01:51:08,794
♪ Chonka lonka ♪
2619
01:51:08,827 --> 01:51:11,563
♪ Chonka lonka ♪
2620
01:51:11,597 --> 01:51:14,833
♪ Chonka lonka ♪
2621
01:51:14,867 --> 01:51:17,536
♪ Chonka lonka ♪
2622
01:51:17,569 --> 01:51:20,606
♪ Bounce up, down,
Side to the side ♪
2623
01:51:20,640 --> 01:51:23,542
♪ While your chonka lonka in
My grown bumpin' collide ♪
2624
01:51:23,575 --> 01:51:25,010
♪ I like it big,
Thick and wide ♪
2625
01:51:25,044 --> 01:51:26,945
♪ Just like I like
My chicken fried ♪
2626
01:51:26,979 --> 01:51:29,716
♪ Deep down south where
They let it all hang out ♪
2627
01:51:29,749 --> 01:51:32,851
♪ Now jiggle to the left then
You jiggle to the right ♪
2628
01:51:32,885 --> 01:51:34,620
♪ Then make it
Bounce up and down ♪
2629
01:51:34,654 --> 01:51:36,488
♪ I can do this all night ♪
2630
01:51:36,522 --> 01:51:38,658
♪ Damn girl, just make that
Booty twirl and swirl ♪
2631
01:51:38,692 --> 01:51:40,626
♪ Then put it in my lap
And make it go ♪
2632
01:51:40,660 --> 01:51:42,261
[clapping to beat]
2633
01:51:42,294 --> 01:51:43,797
♪ When I roll up to the club ♪
2634
01:51:43,829 --> 01:51:45,864
♪ All I wanna see is
Chonka lonka ♪
2635
01:51:45,898 --> 01:51:48,768
♪ Pull up on dubs in the
Backseat is chonka lonka ♪
2636
01:51:48,802 --> 01:51:50,269
♪ Better show me love ♪
2637
01:51:50,302 --> 01:51:51,870
♪ If you know you
Got a chonka lonka ♪
2638
01:51:51,904 --> 01:51:53,539
♪ Don't care about them jugs ♪
2639
01:51:53,572 --> 01:51:55,174
♪ I just wanna see your
Chonka lonka ♪
2640
01:51:55,207 --> 01:51:56,875
♪ Chonka lonka ♪
2641
01:51:58,277 --> 01:52:00,212
♪ Chonka lonka ♪
2642
01:52:01,480 --> 01:52:03,349
♪ Chonka lonka ♪
2643
01:52:04,416 --> 01:52:06,251
♪ Chonka lonka ♪
2644
01:52:07,386 --> 01:52:09,121
♪ When I come up in the club ♪
2645
01:52:09,154 --> 01:52:10,622
♪ I ain't trying to
Talk to no girl ♪
2646
01:52:10,657 --> 01:52:11,791
♪ I'm just trying to
See you bend over ♪
2647
01:52:11,825 --> 01:52:13,592
♪ And shake your
Chonka lonka ♪
2648
01:52:13,625 --> 01:52:14,893
♪ Why girl, with
The shirts on ♪
2649
01:52:14,927 --> 01:52:16,595
♪ I ain't tryin' to see
No titties ♪
2650
01:52:16,628 --> 01:52:17,963
♪ I'm tryin' to see your
Chonka lonka ♪
2651
01:52:17,996 --> 01:52:19,531
♪ Gettin' nasty and jiggly ♪
2652
01:52:19,565 --> 01:52:21,300
♪ I want it all in my face ♪
2653
01:52:21,333 --> 01:52:22,868
♪ Shake it so hard to
Make the earth quake ♪
2654
01:52:22,901 --> 01:52:24,470
♪ Put it in my lap
And grind it hard ♪
2655
01:52:24,503 --> 01:52:25,805
♪ I want you to make
My pelvis break ♪
2656
01:52:25,839 --> 01:52:27,707
♪ Big girls, put it down ♪
2657
01:52:27,741 --> 01:52:29,241
♪ Shake your chonka lonka
to the ground ♪
2658
01:52:29,274 --> 01:52:30,876
♪ But I'm gettin' tired ♪
2659
01:52:30,909 --> 01:52:31,910
♪ Shut it, I don't
Wanna hear your mouth ♪
2660
01:52:31,944 --> 01:52:33,579
♪ When I roll up to the club ♪
2661
01:52:33,612 --> 01:52:35,614
♪ All I wanna see is
Chonka lonka ♪
2662
01:52:35,648 --> 01:52:38,685
♪ Pull on dub in the
Backseat is chonka lonka ♪
2663
01:52:38,718 --> 01:52:40,185
♪ Better show me love ♪
2664
01:52:40,219 --> 01:52:41,755
♪ If you know you got a
Chonka lonka ♪
2665
01:52:41,788 --> 01:52:43,288
♪ Don't care about them jugs ♪
2666
01:52:43,322 --> 01:52:44,824
♪ All I wanna see is
Chonka lonka ♪
2667
01:52:44,858 --> 01:52:48,327
♪ Chonka lonka ♪
2668
01:52:48,360 --> 01:52:50,429
♪ Chonka lonka ♪
2669
01:52:50,462 --> 01:52:51,731
♪ All right, hold up,
We about ♪
2670
01:52:51,765 --> 01:52:53,666
♪ To break it down right now ♪
2671
01:52:53,700 --> 01:52:55,802
♪ That's if you got one, huh ♪
2672
01:52:55,835 --> 01:52:57,603
♪ Check this out then ♪
2673
01:52:57,637 --> 01:52:59,171
♪ If you got you a
Chonka lonka ♪
2674
01:52:59,204 --> 01:53:01,039
♪ Put it on the ground ♪
2675
01:53:01,073 --> 01:53:02,174
♪ Put it on the ground ♪
2676
01:53:02,207 --> 01:53:03,643
♪ Put it on the ground ♪
2677
01:53:03,676 --> 01:53:05,310
♪ If you got you a
Chonka lonka ♪
2678
01:53:05,344 --> 01:53:07,212
♪ Put it on the ground ♪
2679
01:53:07,246 --> 01:53:08,347
♪ Put it on the ground ♪
2680
01:53:08,380 --> 01:53:10,282
♪ Put it on the ground ♪
2681
01:53:10,315 --> 01:53:12,886
♪ If you got a chonka lonka
Make it bounce up and down ♪
2682
01:53:12,918 --> 01:53:15,722
♪ Bounce up and down,
Bounce up and down ♪
2683
01:53:15,755 --> 01:53:19,291
♪ If you got a chonka lonka
Make it bounce up and down ♪
2684
01:53:19,324 --> 01:53:22,027
♪ Bounce up and down,
Bounce up and down ♪
2685
01:53:22,060 --> 01:53:25,464
♪ Now grind, shake,
Grind, shake ♪
2686
01:53:25,497 --> 01:53:28,333
♪ Grind, shake, grind, shake ♪
2687
01:53:28,367 --> 01:53:31,503
♪ Now grind, shake,
Grind, shake ♪
2688
01:53:31,537 --> 01:53:35,642
♪ Chonka lonka ♪
[laughing]
2689
01:53:35,717 --> 01:53:40,717