(SKATEBOARD ROLLING)
(♫ CALM MUSIC)
(KISSING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Yo, come on, step up.
- You're opening the gate for me like a gentleman.
You want me to walk through and thank you
so you can impress her.
It's okay. I'm not impaired
and you're probably not a gentleman
so just… (LAUGHS)
- Yo, you got a problem or somethin'?
- With a con artist like you?
Plenty.
What are you, 22?
It's 3:00, you should be in college or working.
Obviously neither.
Probably don't use protection, do you?
You'll knock her up, provide zero child support,
financially or emotionally.
You're just with her to get your rocks off
using her vagina for your prick's pleasure
(LAUGHS) while she fakes an orgasm
just so you'll stick around.
Meanwhile, you're too timid to ask that he orally please you
because having your needs met is not a consideration, right?
- Yo, you better shut your mouth and keep it moving.
Cause real talk, you don't know me and…
- You're gonna assault me, huh?
That's the way to end an argument?
- Lady, lady, lady.
First of all, hold up, you don't even know him, okay?
Luther has a job.
He works nights, that's why we're out here right now.
Matter of fact, he works at the Fullway up the block.
He's a security guard, so he's a good dude.
- And I know how to use my tongue
like a goddamn electric eel.
Word.
- Oh.
I'm sorry.
Sometimes I say things that I really shouldn't and…
- Bounce.
- Just because he's a security guard,
doesn't mean that he's an appropriate companion.
I mean, half the security guards in New York
have a criminal record.
Have you told her about your past?
- Luther?
- Yo, this bitch is fucking crazy, man!
- What do you mean she's crazy?
- Why are we even standing here talking about…
- It's evident!
He's no match for you.
You probably have a high school degree
and you're going to community college.
Nursing is your goal, right?
- How did you know that?
- Because 25 years of being a social worker,
I see patterns.
Yeah.
And I know you can do better.
You have a tight window that's open right now
where you can actually find a really great guy.
Find somebody that has similar goals that you do,
not some guy who's gonna spray his sperm around town
and leave you with a baby and a big bag of bye bye
and that window will slam shut
and all that will be left are perverts and man-boys
and disappointments that will make this good dude
who's trying to fuck you in public look like a priest.
- Hey, yo, bitch, I'm bout to slap all the shit outta you
- No, no, no!
(SHOUTING)
- What do you mean?
Fuck you, bitch!
And fuck you too.
- What do you mean, fuck me?
What is wrong with you, lady?
- Typical.
- But now he's gone!
- Oh no, I just didn't want you to be alone like I am
all these years.
Sorry!
Shit.
(♫ CALM MUSIC)
(KISSES)
(CHATTERING)
(SIRENS)
(PHONE RINGING)
(CHATTERING)
- [BOY] He's insane in the banana brain!
- Tell me where the delicious banana brain cereal is hidden
or else the girl gets milked.
(LAUGHS)
- No, please.
I just got this dress.
- Only bananas.
Only bananas…
Only bananas get milked in the morning.
- Cut, cut, cut!
- Friggin' amateur.
You wanna borrow my training bra?
- You blow that line one more time…
(GRUNTS) I'll turn you into an altar boy.
- Don't treat the kid like that.
- Why didn't you charge him, shout your line,
and whack his fruity (MUMBLES) brains out?
Huh?
Answer me, you little brat.
Why didn't you do that?
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, I got it, I got it, Mitch.
I got it, I got it.
- Fix it, Marty, or I'm gonna fix him.
- Okay, he's fixed.
Okay, see you.
I get it, man.
Sometimes it feels …
like no one's ever satisfied with you, huh?
like claiming "You don't appreciate all the sacrifices
You only care about yourself, you don't care about me."
So what's gonna happen, right?
You, me, you end up feeling so crappy
that you do whatever you can to make them happy,
become their servant.
You forget that you have a life.
It'll drive you…
ducking goat nuts.
Okay, I bet you hate math, right?
Of course.
Well, you see that guy over there with the mustache?
Like looking away?
Looks a funny man, right?
Well, you don't like that guy.
He is a kid-hating, homework overloading,
call you out in the middle of class
when he knows you don't know the answer math teacher.
I'm talking about the kind of math
where they tell you letters or numbers, it makes no sense!
Max, take a stand.
Pick up that spoon, this is your time.
Do it for the kids.
Do it for the kids all over the world.
Tell that fun-robbing hate monster
what time the bananas get milked around here!
Go, my boy!
- Only bananas get milked in the morning!
(SHOUTS)
- Fuck.
(KNOCKING)
- I have gun!
Gun.
Gun to shoot.
Go away.
- Mrs. Gonzalez, I'm Judith Weiss, from the social services.
If you want to continue to receive state assistance,
you must allow me to conduct a home inspection.
- Oh.
(LAUGHS) Without the welfare, I have no home.
Come in, come in, por favor.
- Thank you, thank you, Mrs. Gonzalez.
Oh, actually cold in here.
How many children do you have?
- I…
Three?
- On your welfare papers, it says that you have five.
Five children.
Do you want to reapply for welfare?
- No, no.
Use each of the penny for five children.
- Okay.
Does Mr. Gonzalez provide any assistance?
- No hear or see him in over a year, so no.
- Can you prove to me that you have five children?
Right?
- Yes!
- Somehow?
- They are playing with the neighbors.
I will bring them to you.
- Oh, that's really not necessary.
You can show me their clothes or their diapers.
- No, keep her company, okay?
I'll be right back.
Vamos, vamos, vamos.
See?
These are my five children.
- I see.
Alright, so what is your name?
- Chan Sook.
- Juanita Chan Sook Gonzalez.
- Juanita Chan Sook.
Okay.
And you must be Paco.
- Trey.
(LAUGHS)
(♫ UPBEAT MUSIC)
- Idea!
Talk to me.
Please.
We'll call it…
Squirtgurt.
Togurt.
Twurt.
Do we have Twister?
Twist in the Mouth.
No good, moving on.
If you whist, you whist.
Tort.
The yogurt that gives you warts, right?
God, why do we need another fucking yogurt, right?
I'll kill you!
Killgurt.
I'm melting, I'm melting!
- Marty, you killed it.
Nailed it.
Marty, you saved the shoot,
the client thinks you're a rock star.
- Unbelievable how you get inside the psychographics
of a preteen demo.
You must have the mind of an advanced 10 year old.
- Shut the fuck up, you're just jealous.
Marty, you have just proven yourself worthy of advance.
- Regardless of your bipolar record.
- We are shifting you to a new demographic,
the constipated young adult.
- The adult market?
Constipated adult?
I can go with that.
I mean, it's a start, right, why not?
Everyone gets constipated once or twice.
I had an enema once.
But wait, I got it.
How about "Life is full of it
but that doesn't mean you should be."
- [SUMMER] Marty, girlfriend on line one.
- Don't be too literal here.
Midway Investments is the client.
They're financial, not medical.
I lovingly ascribe the term constipated
to this particular crop currently turning 30
because they can't seem to get off the proverbial pot
of their childhood.
They have careers, they have money,
but for whatever reason they seem to lack
the emotional maturity to let go of their past
and put stock in their futures.
Literally.
- Really good.
- [SUMMER] Marty, mom on line two.
- I'm in a very important meeting, thank you, yep.
Yeah, listening, yeah.
Very attently here.
- It's because they got too many trophies
and awards and medals for nothing.
- Yeah, for sitting on the pot.
- Exactly.
For being a big bunch of babies.
(LAUGHS)
- So you can see why we think you're a natural for this.
10:00 a.m. tomorrow, be in our meeting
to meet the Midway client.
We want you to be the one to tell the constipated adult
it's time to become a confident adult.
(PHONE CHIMES)
- No, I said I'd be home after work.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Hey baby, I was just about to call.
- So why didn't you?
- Mom?
- I left a message at your office.
What could be more important
than your mother's life at risk?
- Wait, Mom, hold on.
I'll call you right back.
- Marty, where the hell are you?
Move it!
We have to be at the restaurant at seven.
I need a glass of wine now.
So pick up a bottle and not a cheap one.
See you on time, assuming you love me.
You understand?
Bye.
- [MARTY] Mom, are you okay?
- I'm fine.
Don't worry.
- Don't worry?
What the hell?
What happened?
- It was a typical young man blowing off steam.
I said a few things I probably shouldn't have, you know.
One woman had to hold him back…
- Held him back, holy shit, Mom.
What did I tell you about mouthing off to the wrong people?
- I know.
Lately I just feel so unsettled.
- God, Mom.
Just don't act out.
- Well, I'm really worried because I…
I did another stupid thing at work.
I let a woman make false claims on her paperwork.
I screw up everything.
All I make is mistakes.
- Come on, Mom.
You made me.
- And I never see you.
You live in sunny California and you never come here.
- Well, I'm planning on coming to New York soon.
- You promise?
- I don't know.
You know, when I do, we're gonna have some…
We're gonna have a great time
and check out some of those edgy galleries
off the beaten path you like, you know?
And then you'll forget all about
these risky little mistakes, okay?
- Okay.
- $55.95.
- Fuck.
- What, what, what, what?
Are you okay?
- Yeah.
Everything's great.
How long do you think this is gonna take?
Because some big stuff came up at work tonight
and I just gotta get…
- Stop, stop, Marty.
This is important, okay?
I need you to be nice, especially to Ray,
because all of his blogs are
about the major retailer buyers, okay?
And he might do a write up on my line, remember?
Good, okay, so…
(LAUGHS) He thinks your commercials are funny too,
so they're gonna be encouraging, right?
Right?
- Absolutely.
- Promise? - Yes.
- How perfect, honey.
(LAUGHS)
- Well, you know, I heard you know who is wearing Gucci
to the Oscars.
- Oh gosh.
- How perfect.
(LAUGHS)
- I'd never wear Gucci.
I mean, who wears Gucci anyway?
- How can I convince you to come down to my studio
and see my lingerie line?
- Oh, I'd really love to, Miss Lydia, just love it.
(KISSES) But I'm just so overbooked.
Don't you have a website I can glance?
- Well, the website, it's coming.
- You ain't got no website?
- No, but it's coming.
- On the way.
- Yeah, we're just still in production.
We're trying to get that off the ground.
- It's off, it's off.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah.
But you know what, Ray, I know if you blog about me.
Listen to me, if you blog about me, I will get orders.
- Raise the play, raise the play.
- Raise the play.
He always says that, I think it's so funny.
- Raise the play.
Raise the play.
- Oh, perfect, honey, I like that.
Would I blog to that one.
- Alright, so let's celebrate that.
Okay, no, champagne.
Let's do champagne.
- Oh, that would be perfect.
You should manufacture your lingerie in Cambodia.
- Really?
- Everyone's there.
It's so inexpensive, fascinating culture, it's perfect.
- Cambodia is slave labor.
Is that what makes it fascinating culture,
kids working in a factory all day for two bucks?
- How perfect.
- I don't feel loved by you, Marty.
You don't respect my friends, you eye on the women,
you don't take me on vacations, and you lie all the time!
And you never let me watch my favorite TV shows.
Marty only cares about Marty!
- Are you kidding?
That's not true!
I mean, who funded the startup cost
for your lingerie company?
I spent $12,000 showing you how much I believe in you.
- Oh my god, Marty, that was just a loan!
- So this is how you pay me back?
By just walking out on me?
I mean, you turn a thank you into fuck you
with 50% interest!
- That's the problem, Marty.
You loaned me money, you didn't give it to me
because you didn't believe in me.
I believed in you!
I thought you were different.
But all you love is being loved or needed,
whatever you think love is.
Just move.
(SMACKS)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
- Back already?
I'll kiss but I don't know about making up.
- Well, if you want a kiss,
you're gonna have to invite me in first.
- Rawl?
Rawl!
- I've returned in body and soul.
- Oh my god, man.
I haven't seen your ass in like nine years.
- And no matter how nicely you ask me,
I'm not gonna let you see it.
- Check this out, man.
I saved all your postcards from Peking to Pittsburgh.
Come on, come on, man.
- Walked around the world.
Sung where Caesar spoke, danced where Attila the Hun hid.
Dined where Jesus last ate.
Now it is time for me to rest.
- Well, your ass is resting on a goose down designer sofa,
so rest up, I gotta get some work done.
(♫ CALM MUSIC)
(DEEP BREATHING)
Amazing.
You got no home, no cash, nothing.
And you're so together.
- Peace is knowing you're just a part.
- Just a part, huh?
- Marty, my nomadic life of nine years has led me
on a journey, a future path.
Along the way, I've met many craftmakers
whose gifts are golden
yet they sell for pennies and their family ends up broke
and continues to suffer.
What I want to do is sell their gifts to the West
through an importation business.
I've looked into it
and it's gonna cost 10,000 American dollars to get started.
I don't have any family I can borrow from
or friends I can draw from.
Marty, would you lend me that money?
(LAUGHS)
- Are you serious?
- Rawl, man, this is our MSW, not ATM.
- Is that a yes?
- Up his ass.
- So where is this creative director
with his finger on the pulse?
- Oh, with you.
Bill, I would like very much to introduce you
to Martin Weiss, the man who's gonna create
your new campaign for the investor too young
and too insecure to understand why it is
he ought to be investing.
- How you doing, sir, nice to meet you.
- Oh.
- I'm thinking the way to sell investment programs
in this environment might be with someone
who has nothing to lose.
Imagine a spokesman.
An earthy, long haired, zenned out dude
who's been to the edge of the world and back.
He has no money or desire to have anything.
But he has that one thing that everyone wants.
It's the secret of his supreme confidence,
it's the thing that all your potential clients
loaded with responsibilities and mortgages
and families and fears all want.
- And what's that?
- Inner peace.
- [SUMMER] There's an urgent call for Marty?
- Summer, we're in the middle of a meeting.
- [SUMMER] I'm sorry, sir, I wouldn't interrupt
but there appears to be an emergency.
- Then what is it?
- [SUMMER] It's his mother, sir.
(CRYING)
- I waited in the freezing cold for two hours
for the locksmith to come.
And without my purse, I didn't have any cash or cards.
I had to give him my mother's ring for collateral.
- You gave him Nana's ring?
That's a $3,000 ring for a $300 collateral.
- Don't make me feel worse.
I had to stand in the street like a homeless person
begging for change just to call the locksmith!
- Mom, please, just don't cry.
I know you left your purse on the train,
but why didn't you just call me collect?
- Because you are 3,000 miles away.
You can't help me.
- I could have wired you the money.
- I don't need your money!
Every god-awful night I come home to an empty house.
Every fucking morning I wake up alone.
I make one stupid decision after another
because I have no one to talk to!
- You have friends…
- My friends are preoccupied with their own useless lives.
- Mom, listen.
You're just upset, okay?
You're probably cold, you're hungry.
Just, why don't you take a nice hot bath.
You know, everything will be…
- I don't want to take a bath!
If you want to get off the phone, just tell me.
Just stop lying to me like everyone else!
- Mom!
Mom.
Just take a deep breath, okay?
Just take a deep breath and calm down.
Let me hear you say there's no emergency,
everything's okay, I'm calm and in control.
Cause you are, right?
You said it before, let me hear you say it again.
Breathe and say it.
- I'm…
I'm calm and in control.
- Right.
Ready?
We're gonna breathe.
One, two, three, hold.
One, two, three, release.
You're the only good thing in my life.
- Come on, Mom.
That's not true.
- It is.
I'm okay, I'm just here, by myself.
Have a good day.
- I'd like to be working for the guy
who scores on the Midway account,
not with cartoon cat ladies.
- Patty the pussy pickler.
- Mmhm.
- Oh, fuck it.
Just clearing my head.
- Why, so your mom can fill it with shit again tomorrow?
- That is an interesting theory, Summer.
Confidence, right?
Confidence.
I can write about confidence, right?
I'm Mr. Confident.
How am I gonna write about confidence
when I can't even get out of bed?
- That's too bad.
I bet if your mom's life didn't suck so bad,
yours wouldn't either.
(♫ PERCUSSION MUSIC)
(♫ CALM MUSIC)
- Want a three month job to earn that cash you need?
- Marty, I know nothing about advertising.
- No, no.
It's more like looking after someone.
Like babysitting.
- You have a hidden bastard child?
- No.
My parents divorced when I was five.
Dad bailed on alimony so Mom went back to school,
got a career, became a social worker
like her sister, my Aunt Judy.
My Aunt Judy's responsible for getting my mom
back on her feet.
And hundreds of women.
- Hundreds.
- Yeah.
- Wow, that's amazing.
You know, I knew this woman in Guatemala who…
- Well, I mean, you know, it's not amazing.
I mean, sure, I've given her money,
but that doesn't fix the big problem.
Working on countless social cases
where these men abandon their families
has really affected her.
Aunt Judy hasn't had a decent boyfriend since.
She's convinced that all men are pigs.
- How could I help?
- Teach her.
Teach her that men can be good.
Be the man of her dreams.
What?
It's only for a few months.
Alright, a month.
- I'm sorry, Marty, I can't feign romance.
- Wait, wait, wait.
I'm not asking you to go and sleep with her for money.
Let me show you this.
You go to New York and you show this woman
how good a true man can be.
I mean, she's a champion of the downtrodden.
She makes sure that working moms on government assistance
get all the assistance they truly need.
You know, but now she needs assistance
and I can't help her, I'm too tied down.
I'm worried.
You'd be like a personal trainer.
You know, instead of making a fat person thin,
you'd be making a scared person brave, you know?
You show Aunt Judy life,
you give her what you've got.
Culture, stories, attention.
You know, you fix her wounds.
- Like a healer.
- Exactly.
You're a healer, restoring her emotional health.
- Marty, I don't understand how I'd do this.
- Rawl, do you understand $10,000?
Dress a little sharper and I'll get you a haircut.
I'll take you to my barber and you can crash at Rupert's.
Remember him, the guy who ran poetry slams in Venice?
Well, he now lives in Brooklyn and he owes me.
I'll even throw in 500 a week for expenses.
Just give Aunt Judy all your attention,
share your learnings.
But remember, under no circumstances let her know
that we're friends.
It would trip her up.
Promise, man, keep this a secret.
This is serious, Rawl.
You're on a mission.
- A healing mission.
- Shit.
Hey, how about a coffee?
- Oh, not for me.
I haven't had caffeine in eight years.
Sends me loopy.
- Oh, well, I can't say I'm technically drug free
because I basically survive off coffee and cigarettes,
but I haven't done coke, dope, or green smoke in five years.
Thank you.
But problem is, I also haven't been beyond
like three blocks of this shithole either, so…
- You know, I've never stayed in the same place
for longer than three months in the last seven years.
- Holy shit, I got it!
You're homophobic.
- Oh, no, no, no.
I embrace all my brothers.
- See, I'm diagnosed agoraphobic.
Agora's the Greek word, it means outside.
I am afraid of leaving my home.
That makes you home-ophobic, afraid of having a home.
See, it's a little (LAUGHS).
- I think comfort's an illusion.
- Bullshit, it's contagious.
- Are you a shut in or a shrink?
- Both.
I have a degree in psychology from Brute College.
Classes were just full of nuts
trying to manage their own psychoses.
Why do you think I'm so afraid to go outside?
Because the world is one big affliction if you go outside.
You are sure to suffer.
Look at all these fucking books!
I know too much, you know?
- Know too much?
About what?
- Oh, like disaster and disappointment.
They wait for you around every little turn.
And love, love.
Oh god, it just fucking kills you.
So we just repeat and we repeat until we just give up
or we end up frantically demanding satisfaction
from someone who's not even capable of taking care
of themselves.
Or, or, or we spend most of our lives trying to make up
for what our parents never gave us
and so the words then are meaningless next to the message.
- The message?
- Yes, the message, the message, the big fucking message!
- What's the message?
- There is no message.
Ah.
Or is there?
- Yeah.
- I got presents.
I got presents, I got presents,
I got aloha, aloha.
- A vacation?
- A vacation, baby.
- Marty!
Thank you, oh my god.
I forgive you, I forgive you.
Let me see, when are we going?
- Next month.
I'm going to screw you in Honolulu, baby.
Come on.
I meant make love.
- I like to screw, I don't like being screwed.
And I know that's what will happen if I forgive you.
- I…
- Marty, do you believe in me?
- Yes.
- Then help me with my career.
- I told you, I'll do everything I can…
- Okay, Marty.
- Once your line is finished.
I'll create a promotional campaign, a website, everything.
- Marty, my line is finished!
It's just excuses.
Why did I think you were different?
You said I could be somebody.
- Yes, you can!
- So call your fancy friends, Marty.
Get them to profile me and my lingerie in a damn magazine.
Okay?
Get my name out there.
Show me you believe in me!
(SIGHS)
- Rupert?
- Yeah.
- What's in those bottles?
- Oh, just a little health drink.
- Some kind of juice?
- (LAUGHS) You could say that.
- What kind?
- Mine.
- It's not.
- Oh, it is.
100% pee from me.
Healthiest drink on the planet, my friend.
Forget the apple a day lie.
All you really need each day is a glass of your own urine.
Now the AMA, they hide the truth, okay,
to keep us all sick and popping their pills.
- Fascinating.
- Yeah.
Have a drink from me, bud.
There's plenty.
Want one?
Knock that back, I'm gonna go take a dump.
- I'm good for now.
- Sure.
Maybe later.
Anytime you want it.
(♫ DRAMATIC MUSIC)
- Hey, a pack of Rex, please.
Thanks.
- Can I get a lighter, please?
- What kind do you want?
- Any lighter's fine.
(LAUGHS)
- Whoa!
Lady, you alright?
- No, this freak is following me.
- Hey, buddy, you…
- Hey, I just want to give her a light.
(GASPS)
- Here's a light.
Lights out!
(PHONE RINGING)
- You got Marty.
- Yeah, well, you got trouble.
Some man attacked Rawl while he was trying
to give your aunt a light.
- Aunt Judy doesn't smoke.
- Judy don't smoke?
- What?
She doesn't smoke?
- No, always told me, bad for your health.
- Bad?
It almost gave me a concussion.
- I'm sorry, it wasn't her.
You know what, I meant to tell you this,
but you can ambush her at the Coffee Clash
around where she lives.
She's there almost every morning at 9:00 a.m.
- Is that cold, is that helping the swelling?
- Yeah.
- Relax, take a breath, Judy.
I got your bagel waiting.
Gluten free, right?
That's what you want.
- Yeah, great.
- Everything alright?
- No, I gotta go across town to the office
of management and budget to formally request
an increase in textbook funding
for children in public housing.
Sons of bitches won't cough up another red cent
unless it's for a fucking animal shelter.
- Hey, politicians.
They care more about cats and dogs than the gutter kids.
You know, the man knows exactly where the votes
are coming from.
Don't let 'em shit ya.
- Screw the mayor.
- Absolutely.
He's a supreme sell out.
- Yeah, bear in a bullshit.
- Crapload of corruption.
- Asshole.
Assassin of democracy.
- Asshole assassin of democracy, alright.
Hey, voice of the people right here.
Coffee's on the house.
- Oh, thank you, Larry.
- Kick some ass, will you?
- [JUDITH] How's your wife?
- She's good.
- [JUDITH] Okay, good.
- Buddy, what do you need?
Hey, hey.
Hey, over here.
- Do you recycle these?
- These, let me see.
Yeah, we fill 'em with dirt and we plant daisies.
- Fantastic.
Hold on to that, thank you!
(♫ UPBEAT MUSIC)
- Hey, what can I get you?
- [JUDITH] Babs, when are you gonna get gluten free?
- I'm working on it.
The usual?
- Yes, please.
- Alright.
And for your friend?
- He's not…
- Oh, too bad.
Kid's got nice cheekbones.
- Oh, uh…
I will get…
Same as her.
- Sounds delicious.
- Thank you.
Reading anything interesting there?
- Yeah, death, disease, poverty.
The New York City quarterly social service report.
- Reminds me of Phnom Penh.
- Well, it's right here in the wealthiest city in the world.
- You know, the US has the highest teen pregnancy rate
in the industrialized world?
- And the highest TV rate.
And childhood abandonment.
And lowest reading skills.
And it goes on and on and on.
- Well, there are more toxic places.
- Oh yeah?
Name 'em.
- Nairobi.
Kabul.
Calcutta.
Chernobyl.
Beijing.
- Newark, New Jersey.
- Newark, New Jersey?
- Place is so toxic the only thing that grows there
is the crime rate.
(LAUGHS)
Let me ask you something.
Have you ever been to any of those places?
- All of them.
Even Chernobyl.
- Really, isn't it radioactive?
I thought that was off limits.
The only thing off limits in Russia is other man's vodka.
(LAUGHS)
- What did you do there?
- I started washing dishes and making omelets.
Soon enough, I was teaching cooks there
how to cook things other than boiled cabbage.
- So I take it you're a cook.
- I like to spread out my resources.
- What were you doing in Calcutta?
- In Calcutta, I was working
for a German relief organization
distributing water purification tablets for women
drawing water from unsafe wells.
I realized I get the most bountiful joy by giving.
- Please.
Been giving my whole life and I'd really like it back.
- That seems like a very wounded sentiment.
- Save your tears.
Salt stings.
- Can I ask what it is
that you're so deeply regretful about?
- You have a couple hours?
- Actually yeah, I do.
- Well, I don't.
And even if I did have a life,
wouldn't have time to enjoy it, so.
Babs, I'm gonna need my check.
- I feel your spirit.
I'd love to share some more time with you,
maybe go for a drink.
- A drink?
- Yeah.
- Kid, you sure you haven't had a few already?
I mean, I'm probably twice your age.
- With double the wisdom.
I mean, I know that I would definitely find it
very stimulating.
(LAUGHS)
- I haven't been stimulated since I ran out of Duracells.
- Excuse me?
- I said it's been a long time since I said what the hell.
- So it's settled then.
9:00 p.m. tonight at the Algonquin.
- The Algonquin?
How can I say no to that?
- Exactly.
- What's your name?
- Rawl.
- Rawl?
- Correct.
(COUGHS)
- Oh, god.
(SIGHS)
My god…
Oh my god.
Shit.
Who am I kidding?
The only man I'm seeing tonight
is the one who's delivering the pizza.
- I think Papa Smurf wants to play.
- Yeah, well, Smurfette is going to sleep.
- How about one little kiss?
- Just give me a kiss, Marty, don't announce it.
- Rawr!
(LAUGHS)
(KISSES)
- I'm still going to sleep.
- Baby.
It's been a while.
- You always get me at the wrong time.
Sunsets are my time, that's when I feel sexy.
- Wake up, the sunset, it's killer.
- Honey, I've just gotten up.
- Look.
(LAUGHS)
- Marty.
Oh.
That's beautiful.
That's so sweet honey. Come here.
Get on top of me.
Oh shit.
Oh.
Fuck.
(PHONE RINGING)
Oh shit.
- [RECORDING] You've got Marty's home phone,
tell me something good!
- I'm fucking you, I'm…
- [JUDITH] Marty, Marty, it's me.
Please pick up the phone, it's an emergency,
I really need to talk to you.
Marty!
- Wait, wait.
- [JUDITH] Marty, I know you're there.
Please answer the phone.
I know you're there and I really, really need
to talk to you, it's very important.
Please answer the phone!
It's your mother, I really need to talk to you.
Please answer the phone, it's very, very important.
- Oh my god, Marty!
- No!
- [JUDITH] You are so selfish, it's your mother.
Damn it, I really need to talk to you.
Will you please answer the phone.
- No!
- [JUDITH] Marty, I am really, really in trouble here.
I need you to pick up the phone now!
- Sorry.
I'm sorry.
(MOANS)
- Marty?
Marty?
- Oh shit.
- Marty?
Oh my god, Marty, are you being attacked?
Should I call the police?
- Oh, shit, I got it.
- [JUDITH] Marty!
- Hello?
- Marty?
- Yeah, just, the TV.
TV was on too loud.
- What, you couldn't turn off the TV to talk to your mother?
- PBS doc, you know.
- What's wrong with you?
- Couldn't finish fucking your girlfriend?
What is wrong with you?
Get off of me.
- What's the emergency?
- I have been working on this report all week
and the printer that you told me to buy, it's not printing.
It's not working, I'm pressing the button
and it's not working and I really need it to work.
It's not printing.
- The printer won't work?
- I've gotta be at work and I need to turn it in.
- Oh god, 4:00 a.m. in the morning.
- Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.
We can solve this.
- I really need your help!
- What color lights are flashing on the printer?
- What lights?
There are no lights.
There's no flashing fucking lights.
- On the power strip.
The orange light, is it on?
- Oh.
- What's going on?
- Oh.
I see green lights!
Okay.
(SCREAMS) It's printing, it's printing!
Oh, thank you, honey.
Thank you so much.
Oh, it must be really early in the morning there.
I'm so sorry.
- No, no, no, it's okay, really.
- Thank you so much.
I'm sorry, honey, I'm really sorry.
- No, it's fine.
♪ When you're tired ♪ ♪ and you need love ♪
- Eat a Twister, a taffy coated pretzel, a real gift
♪ From above ♪
- Cute.
Shouldn't you be working on Midway Investments?
They want proposals by the end of the week.
Not to mention Gummy akumenang.com
- How was the jingle?
(PHONE RINGING)
- Hi.
- Just calling to see how that report went.
- Huh, what?
Oh, the report, yes, yes.
It went fine, thank you.
- You know, I'm just wondering
if there was anything going on,
anything freaking you out, you know?
- Well, yeah.
I fell into a conversation with this young man
at a diner and he casually asked me out for a drink.
So probably being polite or stroking his ego, I don't know,
but I knew he would never show.
I mean, who am I kidding?
- Wait, wait, wait.
So this joker didn't show up for a drink at the bar?
- No.
Well, maybe he did, but I didn't.
- Oh, Mom.
Why not?
- I'm old and unattractive.
Nobody's interested in that.
And if, if I find someone who is interested,
I mean, guess what?
They screw you because they've just been screwed.
- Come on, what do you have to lose?
- My sanity, for one.
If another man pisses on me,
I don't think I'll survive the humiliation.
- Mom, it's a date, not an attack.
- Yeah, well, maybe.
I blew it.
I mean, nothing ever works out for me.
- Well, hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
What if it did?
What if you go back to the diner and he's there?
Maybe it's a place he frequents a lot
and he works in the area.
I mean, you go there, you say it was a mistake,
and ask if he'll take a rain check.
- Yeah, well, even if I did, why would he want to?
- Because you're great, you know.
You're intelligent and vivacious and opinionated.
Some guys like the insides too.
(♫ CALM MUSIC)
- Thank you, sir.
Here, keep the change. Thank you so much.
- [RAWL] I've always wanted to breathe in this space.
The spirits here helped shape our culture.
- Yes, the Algonquin.
This was the breeding ground
for some of our greatest literati.
This is the room where Dorothy Parker said
"You can lead a whore to culture,
but you cannot make her think."
- We're all whores.
I was told that in Algiers.
- Algiers.
It's funny it took coming to New York to really understand
what that meant.
- Well, guess New York is a place
where people do have to sell their souls sometimes
just to pay the rent.
(POPS)
- I was requested to bring our best.
- Oh, champagne.
Can you afford this?
- Sometimes when I let myself go, I really let myself go.
Thank you.
- Well, here's to letting yourself go.
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
- It's a common Romanian toast.
To this day, this year, this world.
- Usually when I drink, I drink to forget this world.
- Too many do.
People dwell on success but success is just an outcome,
a concept, it's trivial.
Why focus on a goal instead of reality?
I mean, what's real, what's crucial is right here right now.
You and I here together, not desiring anything else.
Know this.
- Know this.
So what brings you to New York?
- Curiosity.
I've never been.
I'm gonna be here for two months,
but I don't really have anyone to show me around,
show me the sights.
I was hoping maybe you could.
Be my friend.
- Your friend?
What does that mean, your friend?
You want something from me, I want something from you.
Usually someone is always taken for a ride.
- Maybe you've never had the right friend.
- That is for sure.
- A real friendship is one mind in two bodies.
- Let's toast to real friendship.
- To real friendship.
- Real friendship.
- I never even left Australia until I went to college
in California.
At about 21, I soon realized just how self-serving
people were, you know?
Felt like I had no purpose in life, no reason to be.
So right before I was ready to end it all
and throw myself off a roof, I had this thought.
I at least owe it to myself to see the world
before I leave it, right?
So I set off on a journey, adventures.
Set out to see the world, suck the life out of the world
instead of letting the world suck the life out of me.
- So becoming a global hobo saved you from yourself?
- I guess so.
- Why'd you wanna die?
- That was my birthright.
Vindication.
Can thank my parents for that one.
I started to feel my thoughts, actions mimicking them.
It terrified me.
I thought I'd end up like them, just abusive and bitter.
- I can't imagine you ever being abusive and bitter.
I want to hear your stories, stuff you've seen.
- (LAUGHS) I see a lot of tragedy, pain, and sorrow.
- You have a choice.
I could choose to see good or bad.
Choose to see the good and life can be good.
- You dropped her off in a cab when the sun was coming up?
Phenomenal!
Rawl, you fucking Casanova!
- Don't mislead yourself, Marty.
We merely engaged on a profound conversational level.
I have no romantic interest.
I made that clear.
- Right, right.
I'm just saying it's great, you guys are getting along.
- Well, Judy's a good person.
She just has a few life issues.
- Yeah, and I'm one of them.
- I plan to take out Judith on the town.
- Yeah, go for it, you have my card.
Holy fucking home run!
- Are the Dodgers playing?
- Summer.
Just a few things for your nephew, right?
No distractions.
You know, we need to hone the no role models concept
into a reason to let Midway invest your money.
It can't just be a diatribe about the state of affairs.
- Yeah, it should be both.
More fun, less glum.
- Yes.
So let's brainstorm this bitch now.
- Right on.
Oh, your buddy Rawl called,
said something about your Aunt Judith canceling
on their date and not wanting to see him again?
Marty?
What's that about?
Is that talking about your mom?
- No, just give me a minute, please.
Rupert.
- Yeah.
- I need to talk to Rawl.
Well, untangle him out of his lotus position.
- [RUPERT] Take a deep breath, bud, he's right here.
Hold on.
- [MARTY] What the fuck's going on?
- Marty?
- [MARTY] Yeah!
- I got her asking what time she wanted me to pick her up.
She said never and told me to never call her again.
- She's just freaked out, you know,
because it's been a while since Aunt Judy had a new friend,
so just call her back.
Call her back and be insistent.
- Marty, I swore I'd never impose my will
on anybody ever again.
- Come on.
Just call her back, right?
Do something big, something romantic.
- I'm sorry, Marty, okay?
I understand if our deal is now void.
- Come on.
You fucking tofu-eating pussy!
- Marty, I can't force myself on her like a salesman.
- Oh, BS, B fucking S, man.
And this is a healing mission, remember?
Why'd you call my office, why didn't you call my cell?
You're running scared, rambling man.
I mean, what are you gonna do?
What, are you just gonna go and medicate.
Oops, I mean meditate your life away?
- What do you want me to do?
Bang down her door?
- Come on, man, if you give up, if you give up…
Don't send me a postcard.
- Postcards?
Who writes those anymore?
Where do they even sell postcards?
It's weird.
- Hey.
(SNAPS) Are we gonna brainstorm this bitch or what?
- What time's the presentation again tomorrow?
- 9:00 a.m.
- Fuck, I gotta get out of here, I gotta go.
I'll be back.
Maybe I will, maybe I won't.
- Not without me, you don't.
- Judith!
Judith!
Hey!
It's beautiful out here!
Need a lift?
Come on.
- What?
You've come for me?
- Yes.
♪ I want to learn the world ♪
♪ It's not the same anymore ♪
♪ We can be friends ♪
♪ I love you, I can't pretend ♪
- [RAWL] Wow!
♪ I can finally start again ♪
♪ You make my heart mend ♪
- The city has never felt this intimate.
I feel like I'm on a magic carpet.
♪ It was you ♪
♪ It was you and ♪ ♪ now I'm a fool ♪
- Why were you afraid to see me?
- You remind me of a man I gave my heart to.
Young, idealistic Gordon.
I ran from him straight into the arms of my ex-husband.
- I know the feeling.
- I know you do.
(KISSING)
♪ It was you, it was ♪ ♪ you and now I'm a fool ♪
♪ It was you, it was you ♪
♪ It was you ♪ ♪ and now I'm a fool ♪
(LAUGHS)
- [SUMMER] Oh yeah.
This is what I'm talking about.
- [MARTY] I've never had it so good.
- [SUMMER] Marty, take your fingers out of there.
Don't you want the real thing?
- [MARTY] I mean, it's so delicious.
Your mother taught you right.
- [SUMMER] When it comes to this,
there isn't anything my mother didn't teach me.
- [MARTY] You want this.
(PHONE RINGING)
Oh shit.
- [SUMMER] Are you gonna answer the phone
or are you gonna give it to me?
- Hello?
- [LESLIE] Hey, Marty!
- Hey.
- [LESLIE] What you doing?
- I am home,
cooking up some ideas for the Midway proposal.
- [LESLIE] Are you with anyone?
- Am I…
Am I with anybody?
What kind of question is that, am I with anybody?
Why would I be with anybody?
I'm with God, right?
- [LESLIE] Well, are you, Marty?
- No, I'm here alone, working.
- [LESLIE] Where?
Where are you working?
- Where?
I'm at my easel.
I mean, meter maids aren't gonna pay for
first class tickets to Hawaii baby. Daddy got to do his thing.
- [LESLIE] Prove it.
I want to hear your computer make some noise.
- Computer noise?
Come on, baby, you don't trust me?
- [LESLIE] I want to hear some noise, Marty!
(CLICKING)
Well, even if you're at the computer,
doesn't mean that you're alone.
Okay, I want to hear you scream from the top of your lungs
that you love me.
- Babe, I mean, isn't this just a little silly?
- [LESLIE] Who's there?
- I love you!
- [LESLIE] Again.
- I love you, I love you, love you, love you!
Fuck!
- Bitch…
- It's okay, it's okay.
- Oh my god!
(SHOUTING)
- Summer, get out of here.
Summer.
Get out.
Stop it, stop it, just get out.
(SMACKS)
- You look like a million pesos.
What happened after I left last night?
- Well, the good news is I made up with her at 5:00 a.m.
And the bad news is she says I have to fire you.
- Ha!
That's funny.
You're lucky I don't sue your ass.
Okay, they're all waiting in there for you.
I told them that you were polishing stats.
You do have stats?
That's what I thought.
Thank god I looked them up for you.
Shall we?
- Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late, I was just…
- Oh!
Marty.
- I got it, I got it.
Start talking, say something, say something.
- Mr. Milk, hello.
Can I get anybody any drinks?
- Summer, please, take a seat.
Marty, we have all seen great work from you
in the juvenile division.
- Thanks, Lee.
- What do you propose for the Midway Investment account?
- Well, you know, Midway, right?
Midway Investment Firm, Midway Investors, Midway.
Who is the Midway investor?
You know, I don't know, right?
Who the hell are these assholes?
- You're talking to one right here.
- I'll be right back.
- Oh.
Maybe we got the wrong guy for this.
- No, Marty is absolutely the right guy for this.
I mean, he has some really advanced angles on this thing.
- Hey, everyone!
I got some toys, guys.
Playtime, everyone.
Everyone play.
What's the matter?
You've forgotten how to play?
Look, we're trying to have a sophisticated meeting here,
now back in the 80s when the dudes and dudettes
that Midway's trying to target,
when they were primetime TV loving kids,
I was the undisputed king of cool.
Never needed a gun to solve my problems.
There wasn't a jam I couldn't get out of
with a little ingenuity and a paperclip.
I was their role model who convinced them
there is always an easy way out.
They were convinced that easy times would open arms,
lay ahead, but when they got out of college,
they got welcomed into the adult world full of indecision.
The 9/11, the terrorism, and a clueless president
and weapons of financial destruction, no decent jobs,
and the promise of being the first American generation
to have a worse quality of life than their parents.
What kind of life is that?
I don't know, I'm outta here!
That's a life that I don't want.
Well, that may be so, Marty.
Don't hit me now.
Well, why isn't there?
It's not my fault.
Whose fault is it?
See, I believe trust is dead.
We need the Midway campaign to focus
on the absence of role models.
- In the 25 years that I've been running this company,
I can't think of a more original, unique presentation.
Generation brought up without a credible role model.
I like the premise.
Suppose we were to invent the ideal role model
and then market it directly to this lost generation.
Think that's something you can come up with, Marty?
- Of course it is, Mr. Milk.
- Five companies bidding for the same job,
so Monday I'd like to hear very much
what your idea for the spokesman might be.
Good luck.
- You really pulled it off.
I don't know how you did, but you did it.
So to get the low self-esteemer to invest,
we need to understand how they learned
to not value themselves in the first place.
(PHONE RINGING)
- You got Marty.
- She's a fountain girl!
- Rawl?
Fountain girl?
What are you talking about?
- Judith.
My wonder entered her garden
and then I discovered her life flow.
Marty, the French say if you find a fountain girl,
you'll forever bathe in love.
Pierre is right.
Marty, it was like having a hot bottle of champagne
just exploded all over my face!
- A bottle of hot champagne on your face?
What are you talking about?
- Sounds like female ejaculation to me.
- She was deep in passion and I was gripped in fear,
holding onto the bedposts.
She guided my kisses down to her garden
and my tongue tickled her joy.
And soon came a sudden whoosh!
I mean, I'd heard it in France about fountain girls,
but I didn't think it was true.
- Shh, stop talking, please.
- Oh, Marty, I was so excited that my force was unleashed
and she wasn't even touching my wonder.
- Look, no more talking about force.
Please, just calm down and slow down.
- I mean, it was an emotional journey.
We held nothing back in mind, in body, in soul.
We shared everything!
I mean secrets, dreams, desires.
- Wait, desires?
- Marty, this is it.
I mean, this is what being in love is.
It's not being afraid.
And finally, finally this is it.
- What are you talking about?
- She spoke of past loves, even tragedies.
- Tragedies, what tragedies?
- She spoke of Gordon, young love she had when she was 22.
Some idealistic motorcyclist dropout,
used to write a novel a week.
I mean, her family hated him.
Her father convinced him that it would kill him
if they got married.
So she went and married the first college boy
she could find.
Nervous New Yorker.
- Yes, yes, exactly, right, right.
Who she divorced when her son was five
because she found him cheating.
- Yes, yes!
But no, she was the one doing the cheating.
Hey, how do you know?
- She was cheating?
Wait, wait, wait, who the hell is Gordon?
My dad was the first love of her life.
- Your dad?
Aunt Judy's my mom, you fucking French found fuck.
- What?
I had sex with your mom?
- Yes.
And it sounds like you liked it, motherfucker.
- I don't believe this.
- Believe it!
I thought…
I'm a freak.
I thought it would, I don't know what I thought.
I'm sorry, man, I should have been straight with you.
You can keep the money…
- I don't know what to say except…
Except thank you.
- Thank you?
Thank you?
- Marty, you can keep the money.
I never thought I'd say these three words.
I'm in love!
- You're not in love, man.
You're talking about my mom, alright?
She collects rubber bands.
- No, I am in love.
Marty, she opened up something inside of me.
- Just stop talking about anything being opened up
inside of you, please, okay?
- She is like an epic living novel.
I can't put her down, I won't.
- Rawl, stop!
I don't want to hear any more of the bullshit
about you sticking the fucking wonder in her fucking garden
and if there's any more (MUMBLES) fucking face
about how you lost your fucking dick.
You're celibate, you haven't has sex for 10 fucking years
you motherfucker.
Rawl, stop talking about fucking my fucking mother!
- So sweet.
And it's not even Mother's Day.
- You must go!
(KNOCKING)
(KISSING)
- I have a gift.
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
- You cooked.
- Traveling on a budget, you learn some things.
This is my favorite dish.
Couscous taught to me by Kabal Kan Katak.
He's the leader of an anti-Taliban force.
This couscous has recruited more men than Uncle Sam.
- Let me take your coat.
- Oh, thank you.
- You've really done some stuff, you know that?
You should write a novel.
- It would be incomplete.
I'm living the most exciting chapter now.
- (LAUGHS) I'm sorry, it's such a mess and…
I had no time to clean up.
- No, it doesn't look too bad at all.
- I've got this dinner here.
I don't know if you'll like my cooking.
- Hey, who's that?
- Oh yeah, that's my fucking ex-husband.
He's such an asshole.
I mean, he was in the best pictures of Marty
so I had to cut the prick's head off.
Too bad it wasn't his prick.
Marty?
That's my son, you know.
He's the same age as you.
- Oh.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah.
I hope that when he comes into town, we can all have dinner.
(SCREAMS)
- Oh god.
- [JUDITH] It's okay, it's okay.
- [RAWL] Don't touch it, it's ruined.
- No, it's okay.
- No, I made a mess everywhere.
I think I should just go.
- No, no, no, no!
It's just one less dish to wash, what are you talking about?
Fuck it, let's just go.
There's a restaurant right around the corner
that I've always wanted to check out and…
You said that we would create our own path.
- Everything happens for a reason, right?
- Yeah, not necessarily a good one.
I always hated that New Age bullshit,
but coming from you it's worth listening to.
(KISSES)
You're such a goon, you know that?
What do you see in me?
- I see everything.
Lunch.
(KISSES)
- Could get used to this.
I could get used to this?
- Summer, I am way overloaded on accounts.
I am promoting you from my assistant to creative director
and you're gonna be responsible for Sour Licks Candy
akumenang.com
- Are you shitting me?
Can you do that?
- Absolutely not.
But I've gotta do it if we're gonna land our firm Midway.
I'll beg Milk.
But for now it's just gonna be our little secret.
- Me likey.
But I still want in on the Midway account, okay?
Which reminds me, let me get you those Austin weeklies.
I've been hunting them down forever.
- Thank you.
- Don't say a word.
Just put on some rags and grab yourself a roller.
- No one gets in the fashion show
unless they're on the list.
(SHOUTING)
- Ladies, how you doing?
Hey, I'm with one of the models, Leslie White?
- I know these bitches are skinny,
but unless she's invisible, I'd say you're on your own.
- Come on, hawk, I just need to get by.
- My my my my my my.
Haven't seen you at one of these outings in donkey's years.
He's with us.
(SIGHS)
- In you go.
- You're a prince.
- Queen, honey.
I'm a queen.
- Oh, yes, you are.
- (GASPS) Marty!
What are you doing here?
You surprised me.
Hey.
These new bitches dress so slow
it's making us all look bad.
I hope they take as many pictures of me
as they did the girl before me.
- Are you kidding?
I saw more flashes than the fourth of July.
- Oh (KISSES), what would I do without you?
- What would you do?
- [LESLIE] I don't know.
- Leslie, I'm here because I…
Because I need to close our relationship.
- (LAUGHS) God, Marty, I never know when you're playing.
- I'm not playing.
I'm not playing.
- What?
- You know what, I tried to do what you wanted me to do.
I pieced together a PR portfolio about you
to show some of my fancy magazine friends
and so I searched for some of the restaurant ads
that you said you did back in Austin.
You know, and like this is what I found.
It's just like…
I just, I…
Mandy Hot Talk, XXX.
Hot, right?
I guess you're just good with your words.
(LAUGHS)
I don't need your deceit or your manipulation anymore.
I'm tired of wasting my fucking time for you
and you're just driving me all over
and it just doesn't work, you know?
- Why is it, Marty, that I never know
what you're really feeling unless you're screaming about it?
Because you have no balls, Marty,
that's why I never know what you're fucking thinking.
And so I fibbed on a resume.
You're a fucking liar, that's what you are.
Lied about loving me, lied about respecting me in any way,
and you lied about believing in me.
All you had to do was make a phone call, Marty.
- I tried to do what you wanted to do!
- Fuck you.
Fuck you every fucking day.
I give two shits about you.
You're too much of a pussy to ever get some balls
and change for yourself!
And I will never spend another moment
with tears coming down my eyes for your fucking mess.
How about that?
(APPLAUDS)
- I can still make a few calls.
- Did you get all of that on tape?
Yes.
- Can I talk to you for a sec?
We need someone on set behind the scenes
to publicize what it's like to advertise with the stars,
you know?
Someone with a top fashion blog.
- I love Justin Bibi.
Who must I kill?
- Just type some hype on Leslie's lingerie line, okay,
and you got a deal.
- Okay, how perfect.
I can do that, yes.
- I had this theory that if you ever had an experience
where you felt like you can sense other people's thoughts?
- Yes.
I'm certain that's how certain animals communicate.
I also think in a way
that we choose our own facial structure.
- You're definitely a lion.
- Really?
- What do you think I am?
- Something in water.
Definitely with wings.
You're a swan.
- (LAUGHS) You are real.
I said something to you before, I must have.
- No, no, no, no, no.
You're so graceful and proud and…
Regal.
- This is too much.
When my father was still alive,
he would take me every Sunday to Prospect Park
and we would pass the swans in the lake.
He would fall silent and become mesmerized by them.
It was something that I never saw in him anywhere else.
I knew that if I wanted to catch the love of a man
like my father, I had to be a swan.
He was solid, always knew what to do.
His advice was golden.
If he'd only lived longer,
I probably wouldn't have made all the stupid mistakes
that I made.
It's because I had no one to consult with.
I've been foolish most of my life.
Have you ever been in love, Rawl?
- Once.
- Why did you leave her?
- I was weak.
- I've decided that the no role models idea
is a craptastic idea, right?
Let me tell you why.
Because see, most people are pathetic, you know?
They're either lying to someone
or they're lying to themselves.
We're gonna get 'em from a different…
We're gonna give 'em someone who tells the truth.
Someone who's not afraid to tell them
what the fuck is up, right?
And we'll call this guy Mr. Absolute Truth.
And we'll put him in situations
that everyone can identify with.
Like let's say you're going to your boss
and you need a little itty bitty raise.
"I've been working really, really hard for you
and just want to take my wife on a cruise to Alaska
and I think it'd be great…"
No!
And we throw in our guy.
Mr. Absolute Truth Man, here to save the day!
"Listen, boss man, alright, bust me out a raise
or I'm gonna take my ass,
I'm gonna run off to the competition, comprende?"
How about another scene where a guy's girlfriend
won't oblige him with a little BJ, just a little one.
He's gonna have to sit in the middle of the bed
and just masturbate while she's sleeping
in the middle of the fucking night.
And he says to her "Sweetheart, now I would appreciate
a little hummer if you just would go downtown
and make things a little bit easier for me.
I'd really appreciate it, baby."
Absolute Truth comes in and says "Listen, baby.
Either bust out a blowjob or I will go get a pro
come and guzzle my shit like champagne, click, click."
Boom!
Hold on, I got the best one.
This is one we can all identify with.
How about you got a guy who has a,
let's just say a nagging sister.
She's a class A complainer, alright?
A real fucking woo!
"I give you love all my life and nobody loves me."
She's just nagging the shit out of him, right?
And so our guy, he hires his buddy to date her
and to take her and bingo!
The fucking sister's off his ass and the problem is solved.
You wanna know why?
Because this guy had the money, he had the money!
How'd he get the money, Greg?
I'll answer the question.
He got the money because he invests with Midway.
Boom!
That's it, money solved the fucking problem.
And here's the tagline.
Afraid to invest with Midway?
Then you don't deserve money.
It's a no excuses campaign, right?
You got the balls and we'll get you the money!
- Meeting's over.
Out.
(HUMMING)
Sit down.
Take a seat.
I gather you're under a little bit of stress.
What's going on?
- It's me.
- Excuse me?
- It's my mess.
- Who the hell else's would it be?
- Everybody else's… I thought.
All I wanted was just to nail this campaign.
You know, I just don't want to be stuck
making kids commercials for the rest of my life!
- Calm down.
- I can't calm down.
If I'm calm, people just walk all over me.
I just let them walk all over me
and I can't be walked over anymore.
I've got to do this.
I want Midway, I need Midway,
and I don't know why I just couldn't fucking do it!
- Grow up!
God's sakes.
You're great with the kids stuff.
So you hit a wall.
It's not the end of the world, it's not defeat.
I've seen people waste their entire lives
trying to become something that they're never gonna become.
So maybe this is who you are.
Maybe you're the little kid guy.
- No, no, you're not getting me, Mr. Milk.
- I get that you are out of your depth here
and that you're off of Midway.
- I'm either off Midway or I'm fired?
Then I guess I'm fired.
- Talent is a harder thing to ride than pity is.
It's your call.
- How about I take my vacation time next week
and I earn back the Midway account?
- Oh, what the hell.
Everybody fucks up once, right?
I know I did. (LAUGHS)
Thanks for the driving directions to Palm Springs.
I will have my cell, but I am not checking email.
- Okay.
Well, I will be available 24-7 to bounce ideas off of.
- I might just take you up on that.
But please, please do not give out my hotel information
to anyone, especially my mom.
- Okay.
Go, mad man, go.
(PHONE RINGING)
- [RECORDING] You got Marty's home phone,
tell me something good.
(CRYING)
- Mom, are you okay?
- I'm not okay.
I'm not okay, I'm not okay, I'm not…
- Rawl?
What the fuck?
- She said if I truly loved her,
I'd understand and I'd stop bugging her,
but I don't understand, I don't understand.
I mean, I want to see her.
I need to see her.
You must have told her about our deal.
- I didn't tell her shit.
- I've never needed anyone before.
It hurts.
I can't take it, I need to make it stop.
- You're overreacting.
She's probably just playing hard to get again.
- She put call blocking on my number.
- Oh.
- Can't take it.
I can't take it, I can't take it, I can't take it,
I can't take it!
- So don't take it, man.
- Okay.
- Okay what?
- I won't take it.
(SIGHS)
- How you gonna do that?
- Sorry, Marty.
I've ruined everything.
- Not your fault.
It's mine.
- I will make these feelings stop.
- Rawl, you're not gonna do anything stupid, are you?
- I'll make them stop.
(DIAL TONE)
- What?
(♫ CALM MUSIC)
(KNOCKING)
- Come on, come on, come on.
We are fucked, we are fucked.
He's been gone
since you got off the phone with him yesterday.
I have no concept of where he is.
- I do.
- The laundromat?
- Why, does he stink?
- No, actually I liked the way he smells.
It smells like baseball cards fresh out of the package.
It's nice.
The laundromat, that's a good place
Something about all those clothes are going round and round
and they're sudsy.
And the more they spin, the more you see.
The more you see, so, okay, he thinks he's in love, right?
- No.
I've been there before.
It's not love anymore.
- Alright, you're right.
Maybe love has a way of tilting into crazy.
- Fuck, man, we gotta find him.
In college, I had to talk him out of killing himself
almost every semester.
- Oh.
Well, I checked the laundry room and the basement,
I called the laundromat down the block.
- He's not at a fucking laundromat!
- Then he doesn't know what he's missing.
- Look, he's probably just lurking around my mom's place.
- You think he's gonna drop the bomb,
tell your mom he's your whore?
- I don't think so.
I mean, that's what I love about him,
he'd never hurt anyone.
- Or pay them to.
- Thanks.
I guess that's what I'm born to do.
- Come on, buddy, I'm sorry.
I've seen those bananas for brains ads you wrote.
♪ Bananas for brains, ♪ ♪ bananas for brains ♪
♪ You can think all you want ♪ ♪ but it's bananas the same ♪
- It's cute, you're a sweetheart.
- Rupert, I know you're afraid to leave this apartment,
but I need your help searching for him.
Can you handle the outside?
You can.
- I used to be afraid, but now I'm like afraid
of not being afraid, it's a whole other level of…
- Right, are you coming or not?
- Yes.
Yes, yes.
I'm coming, but I'm gonna need you to hold my hand
because I haven't left this building in 27 months.
Please hold my hand.
- [MARTY] You okay?
- Yeah, yeah.
Oh, do you think we can get some ice cream later?
- Hey, guy.
Guy.
Buddy, over here.
- What?
- It wouldn't kill you to order something.
- If only suicide was that easy.
- We're fresh out of cyanide.
How about an espresso?
- Why not?
- So you keeping your eyes peeled on the other side
of the street, man?
- Yeah.
It's nice being out.
I'm really set being inside.
It's just a solid feeling, not needing anything.
- So does this mean I can let go of your fucking hand?
- No!
No, no, no, no!
No.
- Okay.
Come on.
(CLINKING)
- Hey, easy, maestro.
Hey, relax.
You slugged back enough caffeine to wire a small city.
Hey, you're done.
I'm cutting your ass off, this is it.
$37.12.
- Why not?
(CHEERS)
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Get down, get down.
Come on, man, get off the counter.
Not on the walls!
- Why not?
- Don't touch the customers.
- Why not?
- Don't touch the customers.
No, come on, no, no.
Hey, what did I just say?
Hey, I just said no customers, no customers.
Alright, show's over, okay, pal?
Show's over, you're done, you're done, you're out of here.
Go home, take a powder, buddy.
- Why not?
Why not?
Why not!
- Yeah, and people say "Oh, it's a bad thing,"
the internet making it easy for guys like me
to stay at home.
I think they're right, you know?
It's kind of fun getting out in the world.
(LAUGHS) I really like it.
- Because if you do, I'll knock your ass backwards.
- Why not?
- Rawl in his undies.
Rawl in his undies!
That's Rawl, Rawl in his undies!
- I gotta put you down.
- Oh, oh. - Shit.
Oh, I'm outside.
I'm touching the ground, I'm touching the ground!
- Got another asshole.
- Let's get this nutjob.
- Then he goes like this.
Come on, cut him on that side.
Son of a bitch.
- Rawl.
There he goes.
- Stay right there.
Up against the car, let's go.
- Wait, wait!
- [RUPERT] Police brutality, police brutality!
- What happened, what happened?
- She took the love away man.
- Police brutality!
- Hey, stay the hell back.
- Okay, okay, okay!
- Where are you taking him?
- He's going to second precinct.
- It's alright, Rawl.
- No peace, no justice.
No peace, no justice!
- Shut up.
Just shut up.
Shut up.
- [RUPERT] No peace, no justice!
- Shut up!
(PUNCHES)
- I needed that.
- [MARTY] So he's gonna be okay, right?
- He seems fine for right now,
but we're holding him overnight.
If he passes the psych evaluation,
the judge will let him out with counseling.
If he can pay the $1,800 fine.
- I got that covered.
So where do I pick him up tomorrow?
- Tomorrow?
He's gotta go through the system.
He ain't gonna be out for at least three days.
- You said he's fine.
Why is it gonna take three days?
- Don't ask me.
That's just the way they've always done things around here.
(♫ CALM MUSIC)
- Mom?
It's me, it's Marty, you here?
Mom!
Fuck.
Hey, Larry.
- Hey, Marty, man.
What are you doing in town?
It's not even the holidays.
- Yeah, I'm surprising my mom, but she's not home yet.
Do you know where she is?
- Well, let me see.
She was in this morning bitching
about the Staverson Senior Center.
They're employing unlicensed nurses.
- Alright, Staverson.
Thanks, Larry.
Take care.
- Alice.
Do you like the nurses?
- What?
- The nurses, do you like the nurses?
- Are the nurses treating you alright?
Do you like the nurses?
- No, they yell too much.
- Hi everybody, how's it going?
Just wanted to know how the staff is treating everyone.
- Hey, what do you expect?
These days, young people are a disgrace.
- Now, Herb, there's nothing wrong with kids these days.
- I'm a little concerned about him.
What's going on?
- He's taking Percocet.
- I think they're overmedicating him.
I don't think this is good.
- Mom.
Mom.
- Oh my god.
Marty?
Oh my god!
Everybody, this is my son Marty, Marty from California!
- I need to talk to you.
- What are you doing here?
- I need to talk to you.
I need to talk to you about your new boyfriend.
- What?
Is everything okay?
Marty, what's going on?
What?
- I paid him.
I paid him to see you.
- Excuse me?
- Your boyfriend, Rawl.
He's an old buddy of mine.
He needed the cash, so…
So I got him to romance you.
- So you're saying that you paid Rawl to see me?
- All I knew was just that you were suffocating me,
you know?
I needed your misery off my back!
- You ungrateful, rotten, spoiled bastard.
- What's so ungrateful?
The best thing my son ever gave me was a dishwasher.
- Shut up!
How dare you manipulate my life like this?
- Benny, Benny, Benny, wake up.
- They serving Jello? - You want my misery off of your back?
- No, this kid just sent a whore to seduce his mom.
- I have made so many sacrifices for you.
I have fed you, I have clothed you,
I'm still paying off your fucking education.
How dare you manipulate my life like this!
- You punish me!
You punish me for being born!
- You are out of your mind!
- You just said it.
Look what you said,
after all the sacrifices you made for me.
- That's not what I meant.
You're making me so angry and confused!
- But that's what it feels like to me!
You understand?
I mean, maybe that's why you blanket me with all your shit,
constantly complaining about problems,
problems I can't solve.
I mean, whenever I have moments of happiness,
it just turns into guilt
because I know you're fucking miserable.
- I am not trying to sabotage your life.
Who am I supposed to talk to if not my son?
- But that's it, you see, just you turn to me.
You turn to me with problems that I can't solve
and you don't want solutions.
- Of course I want solutions!
- No, you don't!
No, you don't, because at some point in your life,
you decided that life is one big fucking problem.
All my life, you played the victim,
from blaming your dad for not doing enough
to blaming my father, my father for screwing you over.
Right?
It's always the world that shit on you.
I was just so sick of sharing your pain.
So yeah, yeah, I sent you a man, I sent you a good man,
a man of compassion just to show you a little joy
and what do you do?
You just kick him right out of your life.
What was it this time, right?
Not pretty enough?
Too old?
It's the government's fault?
We live in a sad, brutal fucking world, right, Mom?
- I don't have to listen to this!
- Well, I don't have to live it anymore!
It's killing me!
You forget you have a son!
You have a son!
(♫ CALM MUSIC)
- Hey.
- You're smiling.
I can't believe you're smiling, you're in jail.
It's my fault.
- Marty, I once spent three weeks in a ditch in Damascus.
By comparison, this place is pretty much a boutique hotel.
- I selfishly used you.
How can you be okay with that?
- I've transcended.
- You've got cappuccino in your cell?
(LAUGHS)
- Marty, I've spent the last nine years
as a traveling nomad, seeking to find myself.
I can feel this.
I've done everything, everything you can imagine,
from Zen to acid.
I thought I'd changed, but I haven't, not really.
My needs weren't met.
Until Judith.
- You need my mom?
- Yeah.
But not anymore.
It's thanks to your setup.
You know, I felt safe in it
because I knew the connection wasn't real.
I'd nothing to lose.
I could finally let my walls down after all these years.
And then it became real.
With me, not Judith, but…
Then I finally survived my fear of what would happen
if I exposed myself and then I was left alone.
- But I…
I conned you, man…
- Wait, buddy.
- You were hurt badly, you flipped out,
and you're in jail, and you could have died.
- I've never felt more alive!
I don't fear love, I don't fear losing it.
I have courage now.
Marty, all these years I thought the key to happiness
was freedom.
So I traveled, I left, I spent years bumming around rootless.
It felt good.
I felt good a lot of the time, but real happiness,
Marty, real happiness was eluding me till now.
Now I know the key to freedom.
It's courage.
I have courage now, thanks to you.
- Jesus, man.
If you were so scared of intimacy,
why didn't you just use a condom?
(LAUGHS)
- Oh.
Time to go.
I'm teaching yoga in here at the moment.
- It's great. - Yoga?
- See ya, bye.
- Hey, when do we get to go to Peru?
They have this shaman there that can read your future
by the rings around your anus.
- (LAUGHS) That's good.
- Are you sure you want to take that
to be your business partner?
- You kidding me?
He's got more drive than a tank.
- Woohoo, world, here I come!
(LAUGHS)
- Great, planetary Herpes for all.
- You ever traveled this long by yourself before?
- No, never.
But I'm taking a bus to LA,
I'm gonna get my thoughts together,
and I'm doing it, man.
You know, I want to thank you, Marty.
Being used never felt so good.
- You think maybe it's getting laid after 10 years
that felt good, you asshole?
- You freed me in more ways than you'll ever know.
- Just stick to the decaf, okay?
- You're late!
- They were just all being maintained, the subway system.
Okay, I may have left a little late.
- How'd you know I'd be here?
- I called her.
- All I know is that you made too much damn sense
the other day for me not to give you a hug.
(KISSES)
- Mom. - I love you honey.
- I just want you to be happy.
- I know.
I'm so proud of the man that you have become.
- Hey, you son of a bitch, you got a bus to catch.
- Alright.
- Don't forget to send a postcard.
- You know, I've never written one.
- It's easy.
Just write about why you are where you are.
- And the hand you held to get there.
- [MARTY] Midway wants us to invest.
Investing is taking charge of your life.
And I've learned if you don't take charge of your life,
somebody else will.
Could be your boss, your lover,
even your mother.
We unknowingly take responsibility for everyone's happiness
but our own.
We're gonna show challenging your assumptions
is the Midway.
In a laboratory, three blue-collared monkeys sit in a cage
with a staircase inside.
A scientist places a banana on the top step.
The first monkey darts up the steps to snatch it.
Right before he can grab the banana,
a scientist stops him by spraying all three monkeys
with ice cold water.
Now, the second monkey takes his chances.
He goes for the banana,
but the other monkeys, they force him back,
not wanting another ice bath.
Now the scientist lifts monkey one out of the cage
and replaces him with a new chimp wearing a red collar.
He spots that yummy banana and he heads up the steps,
but the other two monkeys grab his butt
and refuse to let him go up.
Now the science nerds take out the second monkey
and put in a chimp also strapped with a red collar.
This poor little guy.
He heads to the steps, but the other two beat him back.
Now those science guys take out the original third monkey
and replace him with one wearing another red collar.
This newest chimp, feeling like a bite,
he goes for the banana steps.
But wouldn't you know it, the other two,
they beat his ass down.
This victimized little chimp, he turns to the others
and says "What was that all about?"
The other monkey answers "That's just the way
life's always been around here."
Words appear.
Monkey see, monkey do?
Make your fate.
Just you.
Midway Investments.
(MONKEY NOISES)
(CLAPS)
- Nice job, Marty.
Good going.
(♫ CALM MUSIC)
♪ I want to learn the world ♪
♪ It's not the same anymore ♪
♪ We can be friends ♪
♪ I love you, I can't pretend ♪
♪ I can finally start again ♪
♪ You make my heart mend ♪
♪ It was you ♪
♪ It was you and ♪ ♪ now I'm a fool ♪
♪ It was you, it was you ♪
♪ It was you and ♪ ♪ now I'm a fool ♪
♪ It was you, it was you ♪
♪ It was you and ♪ ♪ now I'm a fool ♪
♪ It was you ♪
♪ It was you and ♪ ♪ now I'm a fool ♪
♪ It was you, it was you ♪