The first time I made someone laugh I was in the first grade.
It was a play, and it was about a farm.
And I was a cow.
Every kid in the play had one line.
We would march up to the microphone,
and say our line and then that was it.
I was such a little try-hard.
I practiced my line over and over again.
So I could get it right and everyone would love me.
And by the time it was my turn, I was so ready.
I just marched right up to the microphone
and I said my line really loud and confidently.
What should we do?
They just started laughing.
That was not the reaction I was expecting.
I thought I had blown my shot,
I thought I had blown my one line.
I was washed up at age 7,
And I went backstage and I was beating myself up.
Like, "Emily, you suck...
"Can't you go one day without fucking something up?"
When my mom came backstage to congratulate me,
I was just so upset.
I asked her, "Why were they laughing at me?
"Did I do something wrong?"
And she just smiled and she said,
"They weren't laughing at you because you did something wrong.
"They were laughing at you because you're funny."
It was like a light switch
went off in my brain and I thought,
"Hey, if I can make people laugh on accident,
"maybe I could do it on purpose.
"And I've been trying to do it on purpose ever since."
So, do you have some stuff prepared for us?
Yes, I have some characters and some impressions.
Great. You have one minute.
Wait, excuse me, I thought that we...
I was told I had three minutes.
You did, but your story took so long.
There's a lot of people waiting.
Right, okay...
Sure...
This first impression is Holly Hunter at a garage sale.
Hi, excuse me, miss. How much is this stainless steel serving saucer?
What? It's not for sale? I don't understand.
This is a garage sale, is it not?
You listen here, I have 79 cents and I intend to spend it.
Now tell me, how much is this children's book
"Sally Sells Seashells by the Sea Shore"?
A dollar? Shoot. What about this Scissor Sisters CD?
This is a little boy trying to be macho in a mirror.
We're divorced.
OK...
This is the girl who's always cold.
I'm cold.
Brrrrrr...
No, I don't want your jacket.
This is Kristen Wig discovering a murder scene.
Oh my God, he's dead. Somebody killed him.
Help, quick. Call 911.
This is a pug turning into a baby.
This an impression of a Vine video
of a girl at a Beyoncé concert.
Oh my God, Beyoncé!
Oh my God, Beyonce!
Okay.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Emily.
Where the hell have you been, Emily?
It's two in the goddamn afternoon.
I had an audition this morning which I told you about yesterday.
This is a team, Emily.
You want to be a part of it or not?
It's editing.
You don't do it as a team, you do it alone.
But we're doing it together.
Okay, I'm sorry. It ran long and traffic was...
Just show me what you've got.
As Pharmtech pharmaceutical reps,
we're here to connect patients with life-altering prescriptions
they didn't even know they needed.
So talk to your doctor about talking to their patients
about the benefits of Hupertan Rx.
Because no one should feel sleepy.
Fine, export this cut,
and get it to Brinson by the end of day for approval.
Jesus.
Sorry to keep you waiting. Have a seat.
Why?
I got your chart back and...
You don't got a butt.
I just don't understand. What do you mean, Mr. But Butts?
Hey...
It's Dr. Butt Butts to you!
Thanks so much, that's our show!
That was perfect...
Hey guys! Great job tonight, that was so good!
You wanna go in?.
That improv was so good for being drunk.
I know. I know.
- And like you had...? - I was drunk.
I haven't seen you around the theatre.
Are you new in town?
No, I've been around pretty much constantly.
I moved from Austin about two years ago.
Dude, I love Austin.
South By Southwest!
Yeah.
Austin, it's pretty great, but they call it "The Velvet Rut,"
because it's so laid back that people there lose their ambition.
Velvet Rut, that's a good name for something.
That's funny.
Did you guys know that Emily's got over 20 million views on YouTube?
Oh, my God.
She's like a celebrity.
It's exclusively from perverts,
mostly in the Ukraine.
Oh my God.
It's just this one video that got out of control.
What's the vid?
Honestly, it's too stupid to talk about.
Wow, you have really low self-esteem.
Lucas, you teach a 401, right?
Are you going to take it for the eighth time?
I'm taking it for the eighth time.
I'm already enrolled.
You want me to get you another round of something?
Yeah, sure, that'd be great.
And maybe later, I can take you home and fuck you?
Emily...
Hey, is this funny?
Is this funny?
What?
Where there's smoke, there's me smoking weed?
- Sure... - Yeah?
- Uh-huh. - That's funny.
Uh-huh.
Woah!
What are you doing?
I'm just gonna tweet it out.
- Dude, I'm... - I know.
See, I didn't want to mess up the joke.
I'm putting it away.
Hey, Emily, I'm okay...
We're okay?
- Yeah. - Yeah, we're okay.
What? Seriously?
No, that's not my phone.
Oh, fuck. Give me a minute.
Oh, shit.
It's my ex, I'm sorry. We haven't talked for a while.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, I'm sorry I didn't answer earlier
I was swamped all day, is everything okay?
Oh my God.
Oh...
Oh my God, oh my God.
Ahhh...
How long does he have?
Oh, no!
Oh my God.
- Hi, let me help you here. - No. I got it.
I've got plenty of room back here,
- Come on, it's no problem. - I want to hold on to my bag.
- You sure? - Yes.
Okay, go ahead and get in the car.
Right there. My name is Ida.
♪ Ida, Sweet as apple cider...
Welcome to Austin!
I hope you enjoy the trip. Is it business or pleasure?
Neither.
I'm a pretty good driver most of the time.
I hope you give me five stars.
It would be helpful. Oops!
Oops.
- Hi. - How can I help you?
I'm here to see a patient, Mr. Roosevelt.
And you are...?
I'm his...
He's my cat.
I'll let the vet know you're here.
Have a seat.
Hey.
You look great.
Thank you.
You look...
very thin.
So what happened?
He hasn't been eating for a week.
Why didn't you call me earlier?
I didn't want to bother you.
The vet says that...
it's kidney failure.
Hello.
This is Celeste.
My girlfriend.
Your girlfriend? I didn't know you had a...
It's so nice to meet you.
I'm Emily.
You've probably heard a lot about me.
Not much, actually.
Well...
Thank you for being here.
I know that he was my cat,
but Mr. Roosevelt meant a lot to Eric.
Yeah.
Yeah, he means a lot to me too.
Celeste and I live together.
In our...?
In my house.
That's so nice.
So we put him on fluids, and he perked up quite a bit.
And then he took a turn for the worst.
Worse.
Worst.
Which is it, turn for the worse?
I never know.
Turn for the worse...
Right.
Anyway...
I'm sorry.
He passed away.
Who'll be handling the medical paperwork?
The cremation process can take 24 to 48 hours,
depending on the backlog.
Can I see him...?
Before?
Of course.
Have you decided on an urn?
I'll take the second cheapest.
Oh...
Um...
I guess I'll call you when he's done.
And we can have a service to pay our respects and...
Thank you for taking care of him while I was away.
And...
Sweetie...
Shhh.
It's gonna be okay.
Well, I'll see you later.
Where are you staying?
Who wants some tea?
Eric, Oolong?
Yeah, sure.
The house looks amazing.
Celeste...
You guys put in wood floors?
Actually we had a contractor come in
and rip out the carpet and...
Apparently these were original to the house.
I always hated the carpet.
So this is the bathroom, which you knew,
- but now has extra towels. - Fancy.
And the guest room.
Oh! Where's all your band stuff?
Your guitars and your amps?
Out in the shed.
- You practice in the shed? - No, it's temporary storage.
You know until I figure out where to put it.
Why didn't you tell me about Celeste?
Em, we haven't spoken
since you broke up with me over the phone.
Are you okay?
Oh my God, are you kidding me? Of course I'm okay.
I'm really happy for you.
We gotta move on. We've all moved on.
I was talking about Mr. Rosevelt.
Oh...
Yeah, I'll be okay.
I don't really know what I'm going to do financially.
Or how I'm gonna get back to LA. Flights are crazy expensive.
This is good, right?
This is...
This is closure.
Tea time.
I hope I'm not interrupting.
No, in fact I was just on my way out.
Catch up as much as you need to.
You should drink that while it's hot.
Yes.
That's usually how tea works.
Well, let me know if you need anything.
Okey dokey!
Okey dokey...
Eric, wait.
Ummm...
What's the WiFi password?
Still the same.
Cool.
...He felt her curves
round his neck like a yoke he knows
he'll never forget
The way she cut through his bed
Like a snake would bite through a cave of flesh
But he holds her
though she's broken
He swears he don't care where she's been
He's tired of being human
He wears her close to the bone...
KLONOPIN, take one tablet by mouth twice a day
Emily?
You okay?
Yeah, I'm good, I'm good. I'm just urinating.
Eric and I have reservations at Justine's tonight.
And I'm sure you have other plans, but if you're not busy,
then we'd love for you to join us and our friends.
No, I don't have plans,
but I'm sure I can figure something else out.
Really?
I know Eric wants you to come.
He does?
Yes.
Emily, you don't have to be alone.
That's a spiffy shirt.
Thanks.
It's a...
breathable cotton.
So...
Everybody ready?
Aye aye, captain.
Do you want to change before we leave?
Oh, I'm so sorry...
When I took an emergency flight to Austin,
I didn't exactly think to pack formal wear.
That makes perfect sense.
I'm sure I have something you can wear.
Great.
Why me,
Why did you pick on my heart to break?
Why did you have to fool me?
So I would to propose a toast, to the memory of Mr. Roosevelt.
Oh, Jess.
I don't know if you guys notice anything different about me.
I've been meditating.
Yep, using an app called Mind Time.
Thank you.
It's awesome.
He is so calm, so peaceful.
- Present. - He's got this glow...
I'm finally here.
I can see it.
- Free app? - Yeah, free.
I'll send it to you guys. I get referrals...
- Very cool. - It's awesome.
It's like, I don't know, life-changing.
So, Eric, how's your band doing?
I saw you guys got a write-up in the Chronicle last year.
Eric's taking a break from right now.
He's getting his real estate license.
- I love houses. - I know you do.
Whoa, you're going to become a real estate agent?
Yeah, they say if you sell one, you can be set for a year.
I get that. We all do things we don't want to do for a while,
so we can do the things that we really want to do.
That's why I audition for commercials.
It's more of a long-term thing.
You know, music is great, and he's so good at it, but
you can only do this band thing for so long
before you have to start thinking about your future, right?
Right.
So. Emily, you're an actress?
No. I'm actually more of a comedian.
Which basically means
I'm a less attractive version of an actress.
Oh...
Why would you say that? You're so beautiful.
So cute.
I'm joking.
Yeah, but even if you're joking,
it's not healthy to talk about yourself that way.
So, Emily, you do stand-up?
No, I don't do stand up comedy.
It's hard to explain what I do...
It's stupid.
It's pretty dumb.
Emily is so funny.
You have over 50,000 YouTube subscribers, right?
Wow!
Really? Wow!
You can really do something with that.
I was just reading this article
about a girl who was doing make-up tutorials online,
and she accidentally got make-up in her eye,
and she had this major freak-out.
It was so real and so funny.
So the video goes viral,
and then she goes on the "Today" show,
and based on its success,
she was able to launch her own beauty tutorial channel,
and she just came out with this big make-up line.
Have you ever thought of doing something like that?
No, I haven't.
Why not?
Oh, what about you, Celeste?
I never found out what you do for a living.
Celeste is an entrepreneur.
Okay.
What's that mean?
Just a fancy French word.
I worked for a social media firm when I was 25 and...
I realized their client model wasn't sustainable cause
it was fractured across too many platforms,
so I quit,
and I took my savings and teamed up with a fellow Penn grad,
and we developed coding that
integrates business's various online presences
into one streamlined platform.
It's still in product development right now but...
There's been a lot of interest.
Don't be humble.
And she also makes her own greeting cards.
I sent one to my grandma.
- You did not, really?. - Yeah.
You know they have them in six stores?
What?
Yeah. That's our Celeste.
Wow!
It's amazing how much bread you can eat.
They're not charging for it, are they?
No, it's not that, it's just I'm so gluten intolerant...
Even a bite can throw off my diet for a week.
Yeah, Celeste got me off bread too
and I feel so much better.
I thought I was gonna miss it, but I don't.
Well, I for one love bread.
Call me old-fashioned, okay?
I'm jealous.
So, Emily, I'm just a little confused.
If you don't want to be making internet videos,
and you don't want to be a standup comic and
you're not an actress...
What do you want to do?
Why move to Los Angeles in the first place?
Celeste...
That's a really good question, Celeste.
And the answer is...
I don't know.
I guess it was pretty fucking stupid of me, huh?
Well, for a comedian, she's awfully serious.
Shit!
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
No, no, leave it.
Woah, what happened?
Ouch!
- Oh my God, are you okay? - I'm fine. Leave me alone!
What the f, Jen!
Suck a dick, Dustin, she's hurt.
Come on, I got you.
Wait, Em...
It's okay. I got her.
Okay.
She has a hot mouth.
Hey, let me see it.
I'm so sorry.
I don't know how I'm going to pay for all that food.
Fuck that food. Who cares about that food?
Let me see your hand.
Hey...
Are you Emily Martin?
- Yeah? - Dude!
Jen!
Jen Morales.
We talked for a second at the party on the East side.
You were with Ravi.
There was that band of girls that hits pots as instruments.
Ahhh, Manic Pixie Jihad.
- Yeah! - Yeah!
Dude! Is it weird that I feel like I know you?
People post your vids all the time.
- They do? - Yeah.
My mom's favorite one is that one of you in the bathtub.
Hey, you're based out of LA? What are you doing out here?
My cat died.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was he old?
No, he wasn't.
Oh man...
That guy up there your boyfriend?
That's my ex-boyfriend.
Oh.
I left my cat with him.
But he wasn't my ex-boyfriend when I did that.
He was my boyfriend, and then I moved to Los Angeles.
And we tried long distance, and then I broke up with him.
But don't worry about him because he has a new girlfriend
and she's super-cool.
And she lives in our house
that's theirs, and she ripped up the carpet,
and it looks really pretty.
And she says that it's her cat too!
And I think that that's fair.
It's okay, it's okay.
I'm sorry, I can't breathe.
- It's okay... - I'm sorry.
Hold that thought.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I don't want to drink.
It's okay, just tell me what happened.
I already said it.
Say it again.
Which part?
Any of it.
Okay.
I just had all these plans and these goals.
Right.
And I thought if I did one thing, then I did another thing...
And this and that was supposed to happen...
How do you feel?
I don't know.
Exactly.
What?
Just breathe.
How am I supposed to breathe? You just threw water in my...
Oh my God!
You feel better?
I feel great.
Do you mind passing the butter?
Sure, here.
Thank you.
I'm sorry about your dress.
I can pay to have it dry-cleaned.
MEOW It's Jen. see you manana...
Emily?
Did I wake you?
Yes.
I wanted to share some good news.
Okay?
We were able to get a flight voucher in your name
because my cousin's a manager at Delta.
What?
I heard you were worried about
returning to Los Angeles?
You got me a plane ticket?
Un-huh.
It's just coach. We used miles.
- You didn't have to do that. - I know.
But I wanted to.
My apologies for waking you up.
I just wanted to share the good news before I went to work.
Have a really beautiful day, Emily.
Eric?
Celeste?
I'm sorry! I was just looking for the toothpaste.
It's okay!
It's alright.
Nothing you haven't seen before.
Yeah, that's very true.
Toothpaste is in the second cabinet
to the right in the bathroom.
Thank you.
Hey, Em?
Have you had breakfast?
I'm surprised you kept the table.
Celeste, she refinished it.
She's really, really handy.
Oh, Celeste...
Celeste really is the best, huh?
I'm glad to hear you say that.
Because I was worried after last night.
You were worried?
Worried about me?
How come? You know me. New day. New Emily.
Yeah, I do. I know you.
You want me to help? You want me to make some coffee?
Yeah, that'd be great.
Cool.
I'm sorry, I just need...
Oh yeah. No, sorry.
You're okay.
You know I like it strong, right?
I'll make it strong.
Yeah, you know what? We're actually off coffee now.
And I know it sounds crazy but
I have more energy.
I have to head to school.
Are you gonna be okay here alone all day?
Yeah, I think so. I still have a key.
Great. And I can take that back later.
Of course.
Oh, also we moved a ton of your stuff
in boxes out into the shed.
Maybe you want to go through it,
and take some stuff back with you?
And your bike. We both have bikes so...
Maybe you want to figure out what you want to do with that.
Maybe sell it for money?
Sure, yeah. Really good idea. Thank you.
Great.
Toodles.
Jesus, fucking Christ...
Crap.
It's Jen. See you manana?
Hi, is Jen home?
Hey, Dude!
- Hey. - What up?
Hey.
Happy you found me!
Come on in.
It's where the magic happens.
How many people live here?
- Like four to six. - Really?
Yeah, sometimes we AirBnB the couch.
Dude, it's so f'd that you're staying
with your ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I know.
What twisted mind would agree to something like that?
So what are we dealing with? A jealous psycho-bitch?
No, Celeste is not the type of girl that gets jealous.
In fact, she is super, super nice,
and put together, and everything in her life is beautiful,
and nothing's out of place.
You know, like a Pinterest board come to life.
Oh, so she's super-fake.
And she has him on anti-depressants.
She literally has him drugged up.
Are you fucking serious?
I saw them in their cabinet...
which used to be my cabinet.
It's like they've gotten rid of every trace that I ever existed.
They put all my stuff in the shed...
My entire life in Austin, packed up in two boxes.
Eric said, "You have to get these out of here."
But what am I supposed to do? I can't take them to LA with me,
I don't have any space, I live in a studio.
Why not keep your stuff here,
I'd be happy to hold it for you.
Really?
You barely even know me.
Nobody knows anyone.
Do you even know yourself?
I dunno, I think so.
I look in the mirror a lot.
Well, Emily Martin,
to truly know oneself,
you have to ask yourself one thing...
And what's that?
Are you willing to be reborn?
Jen!
- Hey, ladies! - What up?
- Hey. - Hey.
Art!
Pass that pipe...
Here.
It's so nice to be back in the Greenbelt, it feels like
it's the only thing in Austin that hasn't really changed.
Seriously, all the tech douches coming in, buying property,
building condos on everything.
They're tearin' it all down, that's all they know how to do.
A normal person can't afford anything anymore.
I had to move past 183.
I had to move back in with my parents.
And they had to move back in with their parents.
You want?
Oh no, I'm good, thank you.
Dude, that bikini top looks sick on you.
Thanks.
She looks like she's seen a titty ghost.
I'm sorry, I...
You know it's legal here in Austin.
It's all right. Calm down.
I know that.
Come on, free your nipples.
- Shut up! - Come on, dude.
Don't say that.
What? Girls say it.
Yeah, but it's liberating when we say it.
And it's creepy as fuck when guys say it.
Guys, man. Take it easy, her cat just died.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
No, it's not that, I'm...
Alright!
Well, I'm gonna jump in.
Yeah.
Here we go.
Ready?
Oh, no, I'm just gonna warm up for a little bit.
Alright.
Hey...
If you take a hit of this...
You can put your top back on.
Deal.
- Look that way. - Okay.
Let me know when your boobs are safely quarantined.
Okay.
Thanks.
I don't normally smoke. It makes me tired.
And I don't understand what funny is.
What is there to understand?
So...
Art...
Is Art short for Arthur?
No, it's short for Artist, actually.
Really?
My parents had pretty high expectations.
Oh, well, my name's Emily.
My parents had very, very low expectations.
They must be pretty hyped,
you turned out pretty creative.
What makes you say that?
You have the whole quirky girl vibe going.
Oh, Jesus!
- What? - That is so condescending.
It's not condescending...
Saying you're quirky means saying you're interesting.
It's a compliment.
No, it's not because you would never call a guy that.
With a guy you'd use another word like "eccentric,"
but with a girl, you need a word that recognizes her uniqueness,
but at the same time devalues her intelligence.
Like "her delightful whimsy could never make a cogentargument,"
highlighting your unconscious sexism.
Well, you're not quirky,
but you're definitely kind of a bitch.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
- Oh no. - Sorry.
Thank you.
Alright.
Oh shit, it's my work.
Don't answer it. Hang it up.
Hit reject.
What?
They said it would take a few days to cremate him,
so I'll probably be here over the weekend,
but I have my laptop, and can do all my work from here.
Emily, let's be real.
This isjust not a priority for you.
Wait. What are you talking about?
Do you think I planned this?
Listen, I have all the assets, I can just upload the cuts to Dropbox.
Yeah, sounds like you're working really really hard over there.
Let's face it, Emily.
You're just not a right fit with us anymore.
Okay, if this is about the auditions, I can stop going for a few weeks.
I really need the job.
Hey Todd, my cat died!
I needed to be here for him.
Come on, Emily.
It's just a fucking cat.
"It's just a fucking cat"?
You know what?
Fuck you!
Fuck Pharmtech!
And fuck the man! I quit!
I quit!
Wooo!
Hey, is this your phone?
I found it in the bushes.
- Yeah, thanks. - Sure.
This message is for Emily Martin.
We're calling to let you know that Mr. Roosevelt is ready.
Oh God... Jen?
Hey, do you want my roommate to drive you?
No, it's okay.
- Bye! - Bye!
Hello.
I'm here to pick up my cat.
Okay. What procedure did you drop him off for?
Oh no, I'm sorry, I'm here to pick up my dead cat.
Mr. Roosevelt?
Oh...
I'm sorry, Mr. Roosevelt is not here.
What do you mean he's not here?
Someone already picked him up.
Wait, you just let some stranger take my cat's ashes home?
Don't you check people's IDs or something?
Who was it?
It was a woman...
She bought a different urn. It should be on the invoice.
- Celeste Jones. - Celeste Jones.
Eric!
Celeste!
- Lean forward, push your back up. - I'm gonna lean you back...
Oh, Emily.
Emily's home.
Why did you pick up Mr. Roosevelt?
Pardon me?
Why did you pick up the ashes?
They called me.
Why did they call you?
Well, I called to check in this morning.
And later today they said they tried calling you but
couldn't get ahold of you.
And what about the urn?
Oh, yeah...
You should have seen what they put him in.
It looked like it was the cheapest one they had.
It was the second cheapest.
I guess that's it. We have him back. Time to bury him.
Do you have a shovel?
Or do you want to just put him in your compost?
What?
Celeste and I thought it might be nice
to have some friends come over tomorrow...
during the day and pay their respects.
Just a small gathering tomorrow early after breakfast.
Like a brunch?
Yes! Exactly.
A few of my friends are bringing some dishes
and there'll be mimosas.
Oh mimosas...
But don't worry, you don't have to bring anything. Just yourself.
And your memories.
Here...
I'll keep him safe.
Eric!
Hey, where's Celeste?
She left for book club.
Jesus, Eric! Book club? Seriously?
- Okay, what's going on? - Celeste!
How could you let her do this to me?
Do what?
Em, Celeste has been nothing but nice to you.
No, I know that's what she's making it seem like,
but she's trying to make me look bad.
Calm down!
What?
This is not about Celeste.
Of course it's about Celeste.
- No, it's not! - Yes, it is!
No, it's not.
Don't.
Don't do this.
It's about us...
Come on, give it to me.
Maybe you're right.
But what do we do?
I don't know
but can we just talk?
Do you remember
how we were gonna improvise a whole album based on our fights?
Yeah.
Why didn't that happen?
Because you left.
No...
You should play this.
Is your guitar in the shed?
No, Em what? No.
Play it! No.
This is gonna be great.
You were saying...
Because I...
I'll tune it.
What are you doing?
What do you mean? I thought we were both doing this.
I'm sorry.
Let's just get out of here.
- You have to try this one. - Oh yeah?
Fuck!
- Oh, my God. - It's so hot.
- Why didn't you tell me? - It is so hot!
Damn, damn!
Good though.
I missed tacos.
Your siblings in LA do not compare.
What? Really?
I thought LA had the best Mexican food.
No. That's a myth.
It's really awful.
I think it's because LA is obsessed with burritos.
Who needs those?
Burritos are just sleeping bags for rice.
I want the flavor.
Can I try that one?
Yeah.
It's mild.
I'm a pussy and it feels good to say out loud.
So...
How's that going?
- You mean LA? - Yeah.
I'm managing.
How's real estate-ing going?
It's more hypothetical than real...
so far but...
It's good, I'm taking courses and
I'm shadowing this guy that Celeste knows.
It's good.
Em?
I missed you.
Dude!
Emily Martin?
Shut up!
Stacy, hi.
Sean, I literally was just talking about Emily, my college roommate.
God, what are you doing here? You're like famous.
She did that spaghetti bath video I was telling you about.
It has like 10 million views.
You must have made so much money.
Yeah... no.
I couldn't monetize it.
What the fuck? Why?
Because of the Michael Jackson song.
Fuck! Fuck that guy.
So, what are you two doing?
- We are just eating tacos. - Tacos.
Hey, Sean and I are going to this house party up the street.
You guys should come. There's gonna be beers and fun.
No, we were kind of in the middle of something.
I'd do it.
Yeah, he's doing it. Come on, you should go. Come on!
Please!
BRB, PBR!
- Cheers. - Cheers.
Oooh! I can't seem to lose you!
Oh my God.
- Oh my God. - Em, how you doing?
- Jen, what are you doing here? - I didn't mean to scare you.
No, it's okay.
It's my friend's house. We're about to play.
Oh, cool.
- Hey, how you doing? - Good.
- How it is going, bro? - Good.
Alright, see you guys.
Yeah.
How do I know her?
She's the waitress I ran into at the French restaurant.
- And just now. - Yeah.
Again.
We're the Leeks.
Oh my God!
You were so amazing!
Oh, thanks man.
Wait. Why didn't tell me that you were in a band?
- Well, you never asked. - Oh.
- You want a cigarette? - No, I'm good.
Okay.
What the hell, gimme a cigarette.
- Yeah, you want one too? - You know what, I'll take one.
Yeah. Why not?
We're all doing it. I love peer pressure.
Yeah, you know, I was just like, "Fuck guys."
And then I got on Tinder.
And then I met Sean three days ago...
It's been fucking amazing.
Wait...
Do you see celebrities all the time in LA?
Well, one New Year's Eve,
I saw Thom York buying deodorant at a Ralph's.
Wait, what's a Ralph's?
It's a HEB, but it's like HEB.
But why is it called Ralph's?
Hey everybody!
Who wants to see a really funny video
with the most famous person from Austin Texas?
No.
My friend Emily Martin right here.
No, please...
- Play it. - Come on, play it!
I think it's like "spaghetti balls"?
Uhh, "meatballs"?
Uhh... "tub girl"!
Definitely not "tub girl".
I can't hear anything!
Ohhhh!
OOhhhh!
More sauce! More sauce!
More sauce! More sauce! More...!
- OOHHH! - YEAH!
More sauce! More sauce! More sauce!
Dude, how did you get so many noodles in that tub?
Did you smell like tomatoes for weeks?
Why are you so bummed out? People loved it.
I dunno. It's really hard to explain.
Dude, turn that sad clown frown upside down.
Is this all I'm gonna be known for?
You always act like nothing's wrong.
You always tell me that you're fine.
Dark clouds are falling on your head.
Just like a sad little clown.
You got to turn that frown upside down
My sad little clown.
You're not fooling me, baby.
I can see a sad little clown in misery.
You're my sad little clown.
Turn your frown upside down.
WHOA!
- Oh, I'm sorry. - Whoa, whoa...
- Man overboard! - No!
- Alright. - I'm sorry.
I got you.
You got me!
I'm a menace to society.
Wow, you're a fucking bad ass.
- I'm impressed. - Yeah.
Just leave these bikes for dead.
We shouldn't...
No.
...do anything.
- We can't do this. - No, I know.
This is not a thing that we should be doing.
- We should not be doing this. - No.
It's not like...
No, we can't...
I know. It's not like I planned on doing this.
I have a girlfriend.
Yeah.
Well, she's more like a life coach.
Come on.
No, Eric...
You come on.
She's trying to change you.
She sweeps into your life and thinks she knows what's best for you,
and wants to take away the things you care about?
For what? So you can have a "real" job?
Did you see yourself tonight? You fucking killed it!
And you loved it! And you know you did!
And you're willing to give that all up for some girl?
I've tried the thing. I've been here for 10 years.
Nothing has happened.
Okay. So fucking Austin isn't working out for you.
Fuck Austin.
I always said you should go on tour.
And just leave everything and struggle and be alone.
So you're alone for a little bit.
Sometimes you have to give up things you care about
to get the things you want.
Yeah, and how's that working out for you.
Okay, Eric, I just want to know, I just...
If you could have anything, any career, any dream...
What would it really be? Honestly, just ask yourself that.
Honestly, I just want a family.
Is that the Klonopin talking?
What?
I saw the prescription drugs in the cabinet in the bathroom.
It's fucking Celeste...
She has you drugged up so you'll just do whatever she says
so you'll just be this perfect little house husband.
I'm so fucking sad for you right now.
Are you a fucking lunatic?
What?
Celeste didn't put me on Klonopin.
She helped me get off of it.
I was on it because of you.
When you left, I was a fucking wreck.
I loved you...
And you disappeared.
No calls.
Bye.
Do you know how much that hurt?
I didn't know I hurt you.
I didn't know that I hurt you. You never said that.
What the fuck did you think was gonna happen?
I don't know!
What did you think?
I don't know. I didn't know that you needed me.
Well, I didn't need you.
Okay, I didn't...
Eric... I just... I don't know, I didn't think it was over.
You thought I was waiting?
No, of course I didn't think that.
I don't know, I think in some way I thought I was doing it for you.
I'm struggling out there. I'm a miserable person.
Can we be very clear?
You did not do that for me.
You did that for you.
Everything that you do...
is just for yourself.
Emily, let's just go home.
I don't have a home!
Hey girl!
FUCK YOU!
Is that an invitation?
Oh, sorry, I don't have any cup holders.
It's okay.
Do you wanna see my gun?
- Excuse me? - I have a gun.
Let me show you.
- Like a real gun? - Yeah.
- Oh! Whoa... - It's like an antique.
Okay.
It's a .45 from 1911.
It's like literally over a hundred years old.
Yeah, that's the math there.
You want to see the bullets too?
No, I don't. I'm actually pretty good. Thank you.
You can put it away now.
You don't want to hold it?
Just hold it.
- I'm okay. I'm fine. - Okay, it's harmless.
It's not gonna bite you.
It's not. It's gonna shoot me.
You have like...
I was gonna say you've got goose bumps.
Yeah.
It's cold.
Huh...
Tickles.
You're funny.
Say it again!
You're funny.
I'll do it...
- Sorry. - It's okay.
Did you wear braces?
What?
Did you ever wear braces? You have like super nice teeth.
Shhh.
Okay, love.
- I got it. - So sexy.
Oh. You okay?
It's okay. I still have a boner.
I can't get this thing off.
It's a bralette.
It's like a training bra, but for adults.
Ah! God!
Oh...
Yeah, I like it...
Oh!
- Ah! - Ah, that felt good...
That's it.
Ah, shit.
Oh, my God.
Oh...
Hi.
What's the occasion?
Do you wanna get some breakfast or something?
No.
You stepped on my shoe, Dude.
Go.
We can get brunch somewhere else.
No.
You can't smoke here.
Go.
Not on your property.
Come on smart ass, just go!
Dude, hey, what the hell!
Do you want to hang out later?
- No. - Alright.
- Jesus Christ. - Okay, great...
Well, awesome.
- We did just boop, you know. - Oh God.
Alright, well, I'll call you. I don't have your number!
I'll google you.
Alright, well, have fun.
Save a piece of cat cake for me.
While we all mourn the loss of a member of our community,
it's important to think of this as a celebration of a life.
- To Mr. Roosevelt. - To Mr. Roosevelt.
And thank you to Melanie for making this beautiful pie.
I flew the pecans in from South Carolina.
But it's nothing compared to Bethany's cake.
I just found the picture on Facebook,
the cake shop did the rest.
Very thoughtful, Bethany. Thank you.
Everybody, let's take a picture together!
Okay, everybody get in.
Oh my God.
Alright.
Oh, get the pie...
in the picture and the cake, it's so beautiful.
Beautiful!
Resident photographer here.
Group effort. Oh and don't forget this!
You hold it. You were like his aunt.
Okay.
Alright, everybody squeeze in.
One, two, three... Say Mr. Roosevelt.
Mr. Roosevelt!
I got it.
Be sure to tag me.
Of course.
I want to propose a toast, to all of you who came today.
It's been tough the past few days for me and Eric,
but I think Mr. Roosevelt would have really appreciated
all of us coming together.
So thank you.
- We love you. - We love you, guys.
And I want to especially thank Emily Martin.
If it wasn't for her, I would never have gotten to know him.
To Emily.
Don't you fucking do that.
Excuse me?
I know what you're doing, Celeste.
I don't know what you're talking about?
"If it wasn't for her,
"I wouldn't have gotten to know him?"
Okay, we get it.
You're amazing.
You win!
You got the guy!
You got the house!
Emily?
Sweetie...
We all understand.
It's okay. We're hurting too.
I'm sorry. Do I know you?
Oh, I'm Bonnie.
Oh okay, Bonnie, I have a question.
Did you know him?
Did you know Teddy Roosevelt?
No, but I heard a lot about him.
Oh, you heard a lot about him.
That's the thing right there.
None of you knew him.
You're not here because you care about Mr. Roosevelt.
You're here because you care about yourselves.
So you can take pictures
for your Instagrams and your Facebooks,
And you can say "I did something, I was there."
And you, you bought pecans from another state?
Did you overnight it?
What is that?
That's insanity!
That's fucking insane! That's an insane thing to do!
Emily, maybe you've had too much to drink.
You think?
Emily...
I know why you're acting out, and it's okay.
Oh, do you?
You seem to know everything else,
so that's not a surprise,
so why don't you tell me Celeste why.
You just feel guilty.
Oh do I?
Yes, you feel guilty for leaving him.
I'm actually really happy that you and Eric found each other,
I think it's really special what you have so...
Congratulations.
No Emily, not Eric.
Mr. Roosevelt.
IT'S JUST A FUCKING CAT!
No, no, no.
Emily...
Emily, put Mr. Roosevelt down.
You don't have to do this.
Emily...
Emily... Please.
Emily.
I'm sorry.
Ohhh!
Get her!
Mr. Roosevelt!
Jen!
Okay, just calm down,
just start from the beginning.
What happened with Eric?
Okay, after we left the party,
we kind of, sort of kissed.
And then we had a fight.
And then, I don't... I'm such a fuck-up.
I don't know why I did it...
Dude, you kissed him. I don't see what the big deal is.
No, Jen, I fucked Art.
What?
And I woke up with him at Eric's place.
Emily.
There were all these people there,
and there was a cake with a picture of Mr. Roosevelt on it.
And I freaked out and then I took the ashes.
You took the ashes?
I took the ashes.
Bad ass.
Yeah?
So what are you going to do now? Are you leaving tomorrow?
I don't know!
I don't know! I don't know!
You could stay here.
No. I can't, I've already burned every bridge in Austin.
I'm gonna go back to LA, and try to get another editing gig.
And then audition for commercials and
be a desperate improv comedian who never gets a real job,
and ends up being some loser fucking waitress?
Yeah, you wouldn't want to do that.
No, Jen...
Jen, I didn't... Obviously, I didn't mean...
Emily, shut up!
You are amazing. Jen, I didn't know...
I even fucked this up.
No, you didn't!
Listen, I'm you're friend, no matter what.
But you need to grow the fuck up.
You're not the only one in the world with fucking problems.
You're right. I don't deserve friends.
God, you are so self-pitying!
I'm sorry!
Stop saying you're sorry!
Fuck!
Where's my bike?
Shit, shit...
Oh my God.
Someone fucking stole my bike!
It's so fucking obvious!
Fuck everyone!
No, Jen.
Hey, buddy.
Jen, Jen, no, I don't want to.
I'm just here to help.
You can't do this to me.
- I'm here to help. - I don't want it.
I'll hit you with a little water.
No, no, no.
- Don't do this. - There's nowhere to go.
No, no.
Come on, Em. You gotta face your fears.
No.
No, no.
- Just trying to help. - No!
- Here to help. - NO!
Ahhhhhhhhh!
Mr. Roosevelt!
I'm sorry!
I'm so sorry!
Jen, am I a bad person?
No...
There's no way in hell you're a bad person.
You're a good person,
with really bad execution.
You ready to do this?
Hi.
There's not much of him in here.
What's up? I'm Jen.
Heard a lot about you.
I'm not sure where Eric is.
After this morning, he just disappeared.
And he left his phone here.
I'm sure he's alright.
Emily, I was just trying to do something nice...
with the brunch, and with you.
Okay?
I don't know how to handle stuff like this.
Or maybe I went about it the wrong way.
And everyone's so upset.
Everyone is so upset.
And you ran away.
And Eric is gone and I don't even know who you are.
And I was just trying to do something nice.
And I wanted to do something right!
What the fuck!
This is the part where you're supposed to start laughing.
What?
You want some?
Yeah.
I never had a pet before Mr. Roosevelt...
Really? Never?
No.
Eric.
Where were you?
Just walking around, thinking.
- Are you wet? - Uh-huh.
Some stuff happened.
Shall we do this?
Dear Eric and Celeste,
Thank you for taking such good care of me.
Now that I'm no longer alive, I just want to report back and say,
the tuna in heaven is divine.
Love, Mr. Roosevelt.
PS: I know my mom Emily was kind of a cunt,
but she's grown up a lot over this weekend.
Thank you for showing her what a family looks like.
She thinks you guys are building something great together.
And the wood floors look awesome.
PPS: Sorry I broke your thing.
I tried to fix it as best as I could.
PPPS: Hey, just in case you didn't know, this is Emily writing this.
Hi, is Jen home?
I thought you were gone.
Yeah. I'm going to be leaving
I just wanted to say goodbye to you before you left for tour.
What? I'm not going on tour.
You say that now, but maybe this...
will change your mind.
"mdotclark79"
"This drummer is sick. Come to Cincinnati."
The people have spoken. They love you.
Dude, maybe I will go on tour.
Yeah you will. Guess my YouTube came in handy for something.
Fuck yeah!
Well, Jen, I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you, too, man.
Bring it in. Bring it in.
- Oh my God. - Yeah!
Well, I guess that's it.
See you.
Oh, wait Jen, I almost forgot.
I am flat broke. Can I get a ride to the airport?
- Oh, fuck you. - Okay.
- I'll get my keys. - Okay.