0 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:20,000 1 00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:09,531 The smell is sweet, with urine only a minor component, 2 00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:13,361 the prevalent odour suggesting the inside of someone's ear. 3 00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:15,616 Dank clothes are there, too, 4 00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:18,950 wet wool and onions, which she eats raw, 5 00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:22,787 plus, what for me has always been the essence of poverty, 6 00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:24,337 damp newspaper. 7 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:32,554 Miss Shepherd's multi-flavoured aroma 8 00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:36,634 is masked by a liberal application of various talcum powders, 9 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:40,312 with Yardley's Lavender always a favourite. 10 00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:42,890 And currently it is this genteel fragrance 11 00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:48,901 that dominates the second subject, as it were, in her odoriferous concerto. 12 00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:53,530 But as she goes, the original theme returns, 13 00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:57,784 her own primary odour now triumphantly restated 14 00:03:57,863 --> 00:04:01,493 and left hanging in the house long after she has departed. 15 00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:03,748 Tell her. 16 00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:08,331 - Miss Shepherd. - Hmm? 17 00:04:08,498 --> 00:04:11,502 In future, I would prefer if you didn't use my lavatory. 18 00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:13,762 There are lavatories at the bottom of the High Street. Use those. 19 00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:17,341 They smell. And I'm by nature a very clean person. 20 00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:21,096 I have a testimonial for a clean room, awarded me some years ago. 21 00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:24,731 And, do you know, my aunt, herself spotless, 22 00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:28,310 said I was the cleanest of all my mother's children, 23 00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:31,356 particularly in the unseen places. 24 00:04:39,362 --> 00:04:40,989 The writer is double. 25 00:04:43,366 --> 00:04:47,542 There is the self who does the writing, and there is the self who does the living. 26 00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:51,508 And they talk. They argue. 27 00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:54,553 Writing is talking to oneself. 28 00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,426 And I've been doing it all my life, 29 00:04:56,505 --> 00:05:00,385 and long before I first saw this house five years ago. 30 00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:05,480 - Fifteen? - Number 10 fetched 17. 31 00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:08,559 Come on. I thought you had a play on in the West End. 32 00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:12,654 These houses have got so much potential, 33 00:05:12,729 --> 00:05:14,823 once you get rid of the junk-. 34 00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:17,401 There you have it. Gloucester Crescent. 35 00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:23,699 Good street. On the up and up. 36 00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:31,331 Big motor, have you? Loads of room. 37 00:05:39,130 --> 00:05:40,382 Watch out... 38 00:05:43,927 --> 00:05:46,047 - Just be a few minutes. - All right, governor. 39 00:06:07,242 --> 00:06:08,789 You're not Saint John, are you? 40 00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:10,154 Saint John who? 41 00:06:10,180 --> 00:06:12,781 Saint John, the disciple whom Jesus loved. 42 00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:14,708 No. The name's Bennett. 43 00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:17,635 Oh, well, if you're not Saint John, I need a push for the van. 44 00:06:17,961 --> 00:06:19,634 It's conked out. 45 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:23,975 The battery, possibly. I put some water in. Hasn't done the trick. 46 00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:25,469 Well, was it distilled water? 47 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:30,016 It was holy water, so it doesn't matter if it's distilled or not. 48 00:06:30,098 --> 00:06:32,897 'Course, the oil is another possibility. 49 00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:34,398 That's not holy, too? 50 00:06:34,477 --> 00:06:38,402 Holy oil? Well, in a van, it would be far too expensive. Now. 51 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:41,739 I want pushing around the corner. So... 52 00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:51,870 Are you wanting to go far? 53 00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:54,581 Possibly. I'm in two minds. 54 00:06:58,043 --> 00:06:59,795 I'm turning left! 55 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,060 Oh, is that it? 56 00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:18,314 I need... I need the other end. 57 00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,532 Well, that's half a mile away. 58 00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:23,201 I'm in dire need of assistance. 59 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,574 I'm a sick woman. 60 00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:27,076 Dying, possibly. 61 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:32,662 I'm just looking for a last resting place, somewhere to lay my head. 62 00:07:35,205 --> 00:07:36,798 Do you know of anyone? 63 00:07:36,873 --> 00:07:37,920 Hmm? 64 00:07:38,833 --> 00:07:41,586 Bye-bye, madam. Mind how you go. 65 00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:47,301 A proper writer might welcome such an encounter as constituting experience. 66 00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:51,939 Me, I have to wait and mull it over. 67 00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:53,606 She saw you coming. 68 00:07:54,391 --> 00:07:55,734 She's old. 69 00:07:56,351 --> 00:07:58,751 You wouldn't get Harold Pinter pushing a van down the street. 70 00:07:58,812 --> 00:07:59,984 No, unlike me. 71 00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:04,614 But then I'm too busy not writing plays and leading my mad, vigorous creative life. 72 00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:08,076 Yeah, you live it, I write it. 73 00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:14,078 - Welcome. - Hello. 74 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,000 - All moved in? - Hello. Yes. 75 00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:18,294 - Was the move good? - Yes, thank you. 76 00:08:18,373 --> 00:08:19,420 Well done. 77 00:08:22,752 --> 00:08:24,720 It's a pretty house. 78 00:08:24,796 --> 00:08:28,096 Not as big as ours, of course, but then you're unattached. 79 00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:30,093 No, it's attached to the house behind. 80 00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:33,267 I mean you. You're single. 81 00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:34,643 Oh. 82 00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:41,154 Sickert once lived in the street, apparently. Dickens' abandoned wife. 83 00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:43,736 Now it's the usual North London medley. 84 00:08:43,898 --> 00:08:48,779 Advertising, journalism, TV. People like you, writers, artists. 85 00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:50,447 Anything in the pipeline? 86 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,958 Well, I have got a play on in the West End. 87 00:08:53,783 --> 00:08:56,081 Of course you have, yeah. 88 00:08:57,162 --> 00:08:58,459 Dare one ask? 89 00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:00,130 Uh, thirteen five. 90 00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:02,959 - Oh, my God. - Yes, I know. 91 00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:06,050 We're twice as big, so what does that make ours worth? 92 00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:09,636 Mind you, our new neighbour won't help the prices. 93 00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:10,933 Yes, we've met. 94 00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:13,569 Last year she was in Gloucester Avenue. Now it's our turn. 95 00:09:13,636 --> 00:09:16,105 She seems to have settled at 66. 96 00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:18,600 - Will they mind? - I hope not. 97 00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:20,481 We like to think we're a community. 98 00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:24,113 Well, it's nice to talk to you. 99 00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:29,652 So, what play has he got on? 100 00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:32,080 We saw it. That domestic thing. 101 00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:35,666 Gone. 102 00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:36,834 Hmm. 103 00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:42,674 - That's litter, Mummy. - Those are her things. 104 00:09:44,292 --> 00:09:47,637 We thought you might like some pears. They're from our garden in Suffolk. 105 00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:49,506 Pears repeat on me. 106 00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:52,096 Ah. 107 00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:55,804 Were you planning on staying long? 108 00:09:57,347 --> 00:09:59,349 Not with that din going on. 109 00:10:02,977 --> 00:10:04,229 I know what you're thinking. 110 00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:06,752 Still, it's nice to feel we're doing our bit for the homeless. 111 00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:14,702 I'd like to keep it like this. Simple. 112 00:10:14,864 --> 00:10:16,741 - Monastic. - Quite. 113 00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:21,004 - This is my bedroom. - Nice. 114 00:10:21,663 --> 00:10:24,007 So, do you like being in the play? 115 00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:27,385 Love it. Love it. 116 00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:30,088 So English. Just what people want. 117 00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:33,971 Bed looks comfortable. 118 00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:38,271 Well, maybe you could come around and give me a hand with the decorating. 119 00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:41,520 Sure. My girlfriend's a dab hand at the painting. 120 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,193 Hello, darling. You look a character. 121 00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:53,820 Yes. This is Camden Town. 122 00:10:55,446 --> 00:10:57,323 Oh, yes! I'm here most days. 123 00:10:57,407 --> 00:11:00,536 I teach. And the pavement is my blackboard. 124 00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:04,581 Now, I also sell pencils. 125 00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:07,084 A gentleman came by the other day. 126 00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,840 He said the pencil he bought from me 127 00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:13,219 was the best pencil on the market at the present time. 128 00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,600 You're against the common markets, I see. 129 00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:19,061 Me? Who said it was me? 130 00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:22,315 - You're not the writer? - Not necessarily. 131 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:25,902 But I'll go so far as to say this. 132 00:11:25,977 --> 00:11:28,025 They're anonymous. 133 00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:32,067 And they're a shilling! You've only given me sixpence. 134 00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:36,238 Well, it says there, "Saint Francis hurled money from him". 135 00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:39,450 Well, yes, but he was a saint. 136 00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:40,746 He could afford to. 137 00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:43,878 Sodding beggars! 138 00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:49,339 I'm not a beggar! I'm self-employed, and this gentleman is my neighbour. 139 00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:07,143 Oh! 140 00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,229 On the move again? You didn't stay long. 141 00:12:09,312 --> 00:12:12,111 No. Because it was non-stop music. 142 00:12:13,149 --> 00:12:15,902 Lucy is doing her O levels. 143 00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:17,953 It's the noise levels I'm worried about. 144 00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:23,711 Wave, darling. 145 00:12:25,536 --> 00:12:26,537 Bye, darling. 146 00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:28,757 Don't stay up too late. Bye, darling. 147 00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:30,090 Sorry about all this. 148 00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:32,464 - Glyndebourne. - Cosi. 149 00:12:32,627 --> 00:12:34,504 Oh, lucky you. Have fun. 150 00:12:35,338 --> 00:12:37,181 Oh. Look out. Madam's on the move. 151 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,688 So, whose turn will it be now? 152 00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:48,561 - Slow down. - I don't want to miss the curtain. 153 00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:52,022 - Mrs Vaughan Williams? - No. The Birts. 154 00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:53,357 No! 155 00:12:54,565 --> 00:12:56,363 Sixty-two. 156 00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:58,410 No. Who? 157 00:12:58,486 --> 00:12:59,863 No! No! 158 00:13:00,238 --> 00:13:02,366 - No, darling, that's us! - Stop the cab! 159 00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:06,411 Sorry! Sorry! 160 00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:09,126 Sorry! 161 00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:11,333 Sorry, you can't park here. 162 00:13:11,416 --> 00:13:13,965 No, I've had guidance. This is where it should go. 163 00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:15,227 Guidance? Who from? 164 00:13:15,253 --> 00:13:18,244 The Virgin Mary. I spoke to her yesterday. 165 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:21,928 She was outside the post office in Parkway. 166 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,103 What does she know about parking? 167 00:13:24,178 --> 00:13:26,226 Rufus, tell her we're going to Glyndebourne! 168 00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:27,558 I need a ruler. 169 00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:31,360 I must measure the distance between the tyres and the kerb. 170 00:13:31,436 --> 00:13:35,361 See, one and a half inches is the ideal gap. 171 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,990 I came across that in a Catholic motoring magazine 172 00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:41,116 under "Tips on Christian Parking". 173 00:13:41,195 --> 00:13:44,199 This isn't Christian parking. It's a fucking liberty. 174 00:13:44,282 --> 00:13:45,374 Rufus. 175 00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:48,498 You try to be nice, and where does it get you? 176 00:13:48,578 --> 00:13:49,670 Darling. 177 00:13:49,746 --> 00:13:51,623 Well, you didn't stay long outside 66. 178 00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,214 Not with that din. 179 00:13:55,418 --> 00:13:57,045 They're not musical, are they? 180 00:13:57,712 --> 00:13:58,713 Who? 181 00:13:58,796 --> 00:14:01,140 You know, 61. 182 00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:04,469 No. They go to the opera. Are you all right? 183 00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,892 What with all this to-do, 184 00:14:06,971 --> 00:14:09,690 I think I'm about to be taken short. 185 00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:12,731 Can I use your lavatory? 186 00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:15,404 No! The flush is on the blink. 187 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:17,403 I don't mind. 188 00:14:18,107 --> 00:14:19,859 Where is it? 189 00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:21,285 Where is it? 190 00:14:26,949 --> 00:14:28,121 Thank you. 191 00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:54,902 I've got a meeting at the BBC. 192 00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:57,025 What about? 193 00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:58,745 It's just something I'm writing. 194 00:15:00,191 --> 00:15:02,535 I thought you were coming up. 195 00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:04,328 In a week or two. 196 00:15:04,529 --> 00:15:06,748 I'm on my own. 197 00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:08,162 I know you're on your own. 198 00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:09,709 We're all on our own. 199 00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:15,165 Well, can I come down there for a bit? Is it a big house? 200 00:15:15,498 --> 00:15:19,219 Not really. You wouldn't like it. It's too many stairs. 201 00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:22,388 They have these chairlift things now. 202 00:15:28,719 --> 00:15:29,936 Are you still there? 203 00:15:30,805 --> 00:15:31,852 Yes. 204 00:15:33,558 --> 00:15:34,650 Oh! 205 00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:36,936 The foot feller came today. 206 00:15:38,146 --> 00:15:39,944 - Who? - The foot feller. 207 00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:42,988 Do you mean the chiropodist? 208 00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:46,496 - You've written that down. - I haven't. 209 00:15:47,071 --> 00:15:52,373 Hey, I've given you some script. I'm just raw material. 210 00:15:52,910 --> 00:15:54,503 - No, you're not. - Hmm. 211 00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:56,004 Mam. 212 00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:01,211 Are you all right? 213 00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:03,717 Yeah. It's the van. 214 00:16:04,213 --> 00:16:06,636 - It gets very close. - I imagine. 215 00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:07,717 You're tall. 216 00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:12,063 My husband was tall. I'm Mrs Vaughan Williams. 217 00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:15,104 I won't shake hands. Gardening. 218 00:16:15,183 --> 00:16:18,062 What, the composer'? Greensleeves? 219 00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:19,424 Among other things. 220 00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:23,567 Why? Are you musical? I don't even know your name. 221 00:16:23,733 --> 00:16:26,077 It's Miss Shepherd. 222 00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:32,410 But I wouldn't want it bandied about. I'm in an incognito position, possibly. 223 00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:34,327 Safe with me. 224 00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:38,961 Shepherd. Drove ambulances in the war, apparently. 225 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,087 Well, where did she spring from? 226 00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:41,839 - And a nun once. - A nun? 227 00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:43,420 In the convent up the street. 228 00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:48,262 Still, everybody's got something to hide. My brother-in-law's a policeman. 229 00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:51,720 That's Camden! People wash up here. Like me. 230 00:16:51,802 --> 00:16:53,054 - Oh. - Oh! 231 00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:55,310 - She'd be a good subject. - What for? 232 00:16:55,389 --> 00:16:57,892 You. One of your little plays. 233 00:16:58,392 --> 00:17:01,066 Remember, I planted the seed! 234 00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:03,906 No. No. 235 00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:09,113 I'm writing about Mam half the time as it is. One old lady's enough. 236 00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:12,369 I live, you write. That's how it works. 237 00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:14,325 - Yeah, except you don't much. - Don't what? 238 00:17:14,408 --> 00:17:17,878 Live. Put yourself into what you write. 239 00:17:17,954 --> 00:17:20,377 How? We're both so fucking tame. 240 00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:29,174 Miss Shepherd? I'm Lois. The social worker. 241 00:17:29,507 --> 00:17:34,013 I don't want a social worker. I'm about to listen to the repeat of Any Answers? 242 00:17:34,136 --> 00:17:37,436 I brought you some clothes. You wrote asking for a coat. 243 00:17:37,515 --> 00:17:40,519 Not during Any Answers? I'm a busy woman. 244 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,563 I only asked for one coat. 245 00:17:43,688 --> 00:17:45,656 I brought three, in case you fancied a change. 246 00:17:46,023 --> 00:17:48,902 Where am I supposed to put three coats? 247 00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:50,987 Green is not my colour. 248 00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:52,788 Have you got a stick? 249 00:17:53,531 --> 00:17:57,536 The Council have that in hand. It's been precepted for. 250 00:17:57,618 --> 00:17:58,665 Will it be long enough? 251 00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:01,797 Yes. It's one of our special sticks. 252 00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:03,757 I don't want a special stick. 253 00:18:04,292 --> 00:18:07,171 I want an ordinary stick, only longer. Shut the door. 254 00:18:08,296 --> 00:18:11,140 If I want to get in touch with you, whom should I call? 255 00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:13,889 Well, you can try Mr Bennett at 23. 256 00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:18,811 Only don't take any notice of what he says. He's a communist, possibly. 257 00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:23,778 Well, have you tried the people opposite? They're nearer. 258 00:18:23,978 --> 00:18:28,154 Well, they said they don't relate to her. You were the one she related to. 259 00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:31,368 Is that what they said? "Related to"? 260 00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:33,495 No, that's me. 261 00:18:33,571 --> 00:18:35,039 They said you were her pal. 262 00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:40,704 - She was your girlfriend. - Oh, Jesus. 263 00:18:41,704 --> 00:18:43,047 Does she use your lavatory? 264 00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:45,712 Well, only in an emergency. 265 00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:48,468 That might give her squatter's rights. 266 00:18:49,879 --> 00:18:51,426 We'd be much happier if she moved on. 267 00:18:51,922 --> 00:18:52,923 "We"? 268 00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:55,055 Camden. 269 00:18:56,010 --> 00:18:57,250 All right, I've got everything. 270 00:18:57,303 --> 00:19:00,273 The sherbet lemons, Cup-a-Soup, the miniature whisky. 271 00:19:00,348 --> 00:19:01,395 Mmm. 272 00:19:01,724 --> 00:19:03,397 That's medicinal. 273 00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:11,905 Well, she seemed very understanding, the social worker. 274 00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:14,237 Mmm-hmm. Not understanding enough. 275 00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:18,242 I mean, I ask for a wheelchair, and what does she get me? 276 00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:19,496 A walking stick. 277 00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:23,421 And she says I don't get an allowance unless I get an address? 278 00:19:23,579 --> 00:19:26,458 Look, "The Van, Gloucester Crescent". Isn't that an address? 279 00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:29,384 No! It needs to be a house. 280 00:19:31,087 --> 00:19:33,431 A residence. 281 00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:39,095 Anyway, I might be going away soon, possibly. 282 00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:41,060 How long for? 283 00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:43,482 Broadstairs, possibly. 284 00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:46,607 Why Broadstairs? Have you family there? 285 00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:48,525 No. No. 286 00:19:49,105 --> 00:19:50,698 Have you got any family? 287 00:19:50,773 --> 00:19:53,196 I just need the air. 288 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:57,868 I saw a snake this morning. It was coming up Parkway. 289 00:19:58,114 --> 00:20:00,458 A long grey snake. 290 00:20:00,783 --> 00:20:03,036 - It was a boa constrictor, possibly. - No. 291 00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:05,042 It looked poisonous. 292 00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:06,919 It was keeping close to the wall, 293 00:20:06,997 --> 00:20:10,342 and I have a feeling it was headed for the van. 294 00:20:10,418 --> 00:20:11,419 No, Miss Shepherd... 295 00:20:11,502 --> 00:20:15,052 I thought I'd better warn you, just to be on the safe side. 296 00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:17,725 I've had some close shaves with snakes. 297 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:21,600 Listen to me, Miss Shepherd, there are no boa constrictors in Camden Town. 298 00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:26,606 What, are you calling me a liar? I know a boa constrictor when I see one. 299 00:20:26,684 --> 00:20:29,437 You all right, my love? Looking especially lovely today, sweetheart. 300 00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:33,400 Don't "sweetheart" me. 301 00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:36,827 I'm a sick woman! Dying, possibly. 302 00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:40,994 Well, chin up, love, we all gotta go sometime. 303 00:20:42,158 --> 00:20:44,331 Smells like you already have. 304 00:20:46,162 --> 00:20:48,514 I do not believe in the snake, still 305 00:20:48,540 --> 00:20:50,533 less that it was en route for the van. 306 00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:56,013 Only next day, I find there has been a break-in at the local pet shop. 307 00:20:56,338 --> 00:20:58,058 So, there may have been a snake on the run. 308 00:20:58,174 --> 00:20:59,346 Good God. 309 00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:01,765 So, of course, I feel guilty. 310 00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:04,688 Giles! Giles! Giles! 311 00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:09,691 A real writer would have asked her about her close shaves with snakes, 312 00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:11,942 only she seems to have cleared off. 313 00:21:12,146 --> 00:21:13,398 Quick as you can, love. 314 00:21:13,522 --> 00:21:17,447 I'm getting off. Don't rush me! Don't rush me. 315 00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:35,211 Nightie? 316 00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:39,132 This is not a nightdress. 317 00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:43,644 This style can't have got to Broadstairs yet. 318 00:21:43,803 --> 00:21:47,728 And I know the law. You can't be arrested for wearing a nightie. 319 00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:49,127 What're you doing in Broadstairs? 320 00:21:49,391 --> 00:21:52,235 I am minding my own business! 321 00:22:26,679 --> 00:22:29,023 Alan! Come out here! 322 00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:30,691 What for? 323 00:22:30,850 --> 00:22:34,024 There's some massive birds on the wall. 324 00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:36,697 There never are. There's nothing on the wall. 325 00:22:36,772 --> 00:22:38,695 You're imagining things. 326 00:22:39,024 --> 00:22:40,571 There are. 327 00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:43,988 And there were, lined up on the garden wall, 328 00:22:44,071 --> 00:22:46,199 four peacocks from the Hall. 329 00:22:46,532 --> 00:22:50,207 So, boa constrictors in the street, peacocks on the wall. 330 00:22:50,536 --> 00:22:54,211 It seems that both at the northern and southern gates of my life 331 00:22:54,665 --> 00:22:56,463 stands a deluded woman. 332 00:22:56,625 --> 00:22:59,174 - Except you just said they aren't. - Aren't what? 333 00:22:59,295 --> 00:23:01,468 - Deluded. - Well, not in this particular instance. 334 00:23:01,547 --> 00:23:03,845 And they're not the same, Alan. Mam and Miss Shepherd. 335 00:23:03,966 --> 00:23:07,561 No, Alan, they are not. But they are both old ladies. 336 00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:09,559 That appears to be my niche apparently. 337 00:23:09,889 --> 00:23:12,392 Whereas my contemporaries lovingly chronicle 338 00:23:12,516 --> 00:23:15,440 their first tentative investigations of the opposite sex, 339 00:23:15,519 --> 00:23:18,819 or their adventures in the world of journalism, 340 00:23:18,898 --> 00:23:20,900 I'm stuck with old ladies. 341 00:23:22,067 --> 00:23:24,490 All right. I'm keeping a sodding notebook. 342 00:23:24,570 --> 00:23:25,822 But only on the off chance. 343 00:23:25,905 --> 00:23:28,033 She's not a project. She's not in the pipeline. 344 00:23:28,157 --> 00:23:31,001 I don't want to write about her. She's... 345 00:23:31,493 --> 00:23:33,416 She's just something that's happening. 346 00:23:34,079 --> 00:23:35,752 So, what do you want to write about? 347 00:23:36,248 --> 00:23:38,342 I want to write about spies. 348 00:23:38,584 --> 00:23:39,676 Spies? 349 00:23:40,002 --> 00:23:42,505 Yeah, you see? You think that's barmy. Spies, Russia. 350 00:23:42,588 --> 00:23:45,182 I can't always be writing about the North. 351 00:23:45,341 --> 00:23:48,515 "I was born and brought up in Leeds, where my father was a butcher." 352 00:23:48,761 --> 00:23:51,355 "And as a boy, I would often go out on the bike with the orders." 353 00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:55,936 It's not Proust. It's not even J.B. Priestley. 354 00:24:01,607 --> 00:24:04,281 The houses in the Crescent were built as villas 355 00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:06,613 for the Victorian middle class. 356 00:24:06,695 --> 00:24:11,201 And their basements are now being enlarged by couples who are liberal in outlook, 357 00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:14,287 but not easy with their newfound prosperity. 358 00:24:14,370 --> 00:24:16,839 Guilt, in a word. 359 00:24:18,624 --> 00:24:23,471 Which means that in varying degrees, they tolerate Miss Shepherd. 360 00:24:23,796 --> 00:24:27,300 Their consciences absolved by her presence. 361 00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:41,313 Merry Christmas! 362 00:24:45,985 --> 00:24:47,407 Shut the door! 363 00:24:47,653 --> 00:24:50,998 Shut the door. I'm a busy woman. I'm a busy woman. 364 00:24:55,828 --> 00:24:56,875 Oh. 365 00:24:58,998 --> 00:25:00,671 Créme brulée. 366 00:25:08,757 --> 00:25:10,680 What was your first play about? 367 00:25:10,843 --> 00:25:15,849 Public school. Which, more accurately, is what you Americans call private school. 368 00:25:16,849 --> 00:25:18,692 But you didn't go to public school. 369 00:25:19,351 --> 00:25:21,524 No. But I read about it. 370 00:25:24,273 --> 00:25:27,243 And what was your next play about? 371 00:25:27,526 --> 00:25:30,700 Sex. I read about that, too. 372 00:25:36,035 --> 00:25:37,457 Very good. 373 00:25:39,538 --> 00:25:42,166 Stop it! Stop it! Just... 374 00:25:42,249 --> 00:25:44,092 Get away from us! It's her! 375 00:25:45,377 --> 00:25:46,537 Do you have a problem? 376 00:25:46,628 --> 00:25:49,552 - They were making the noise! - They're children! 377 00:25:49,631 --> 00:25:51,633 I am a sick woman! 378 00:25:51,717 --> 00:25:52,809 You certainly are! 379 00:25:52,968 --> 00:25:54,140 Get off the road! 380 00:25:54,219 --> 00:25:56,392 Go ahead! Road hog. 381 00:25:59,892 --> 00:26:05,240 Mr Bennett. I've worked out a way of getting on the wireless. 382 00:26:05,314 --> 00:26:06,486 What? 383 00:26:06,565 --> 00:26:09,284 I want to do one of those phone-in programmes. 384 00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:13,159 Something someone like you could get put on in a jiffy. 385 00:26:13,405 --> 00:26:17,160 You see, I could be called 386 00:26:17,242 --> 00:26:22,248 the "Lady Behind the Curtain", or "A Woman of Britain“, you see. 387 00:26:22,581 --> 00:26:25,585 You could take a nom de plume view of it. 388 00:26:25,667 --> 00:26:29,922 And I see the curtain as being here. 389 00:26:30,255 --> 00:26:33,805 You see, some greeny material would do. 390 00:26:35,010 --> 00:26:36,210 I thought this was a phone-in. 391 00:26:36,678 --> 00:26:37,679 Yeah, well? 392 00:26:38,097 --> 00:26:41,943 Well, it's the radio. There's no need for a curtain at all-. 393 00:26:42,184 --> 00:26:45,279 Yes, we can iron out these hiccups when the time comes, you see. 394 00:26:45,354 --> 00:26:50,110 And when I come in, I can catch up with some civilization. 395 00:26:50,442 --> 00:26:51,944 "Civilization"? What, you mean the television? 396 00:26:52,027 --> 00:26:54,075 Yeah, you know, wild life. Famines, you know. 397 00:26:54,863 --> 00:26:57,582 Sheepdog trials, possibly. I mean, I do watch. 398 00:26:57,658 --> 00:27:01,708 I watch in Currys' window, but it's not ideal. 399 00:27:01,995 --> 00:27:03,087 Oh. 400 00:27:07,584 --> 00:27:09,427 Yes. Uh, oui. 401 00:27:17,094 --> 00:27:19,188 What guerre? 402 00:27:31,150 --> 00:27:34,324 I was studying incognito é Paris. 403 00:27:34,528 --> 00:27:36,997 But what were you studying? 404 00:27:40,325 --> 00:27:41,668 Music. 405 00:27:43,495 --> 00:27:44,963 The pianoforte, possibly. 406 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:49,836 Have you got an old pan scrub? I'm thinking of painting the van. 407 00:27:49,918 --> 00:27:54,765 You know, one of those little mop things they use to wash dishes with would do. 408 00:27:55,174 --> 00:27:57,393 - Well, how about a brush? - I've got a brush. 409 00:27:58,010 --> 00:28:00,012 It's just for the first coat. 410 00:28:01,013 --> 00:28:03,107 Okay, she's been a nun. 411 00:28:03,182 --> 00:28:04,525 Only now it turns out 412 00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:09,231 she's been a musician besides and seemingly with fluent French. 413 00:28:09,438 --> 00:28:11,281 She's certainly no painter, 414 00:28:11,356 --> 00:28:13,950 because today, rain notwithstanding, 415 00:28:14,026 --> 00:28:18,998 she moves slowly around her mobile home, thoughtfully touching up the rust patches 416 00:28:19,072 --> 00:28:22,417 with crushed mimosa, always a favourite shade. 417 00:28:22,993 --> 00:28:24,085 Morning. 418 00:28:25,787 --> 00:28:28,882 She's using the wrong paint. Cars have special paint. 419 00:28:29,041 --> 00:28:32,045 Not this one. It's Catholic paint. 420 00:28:32,461 --> 00:28:35,465 - And she smells. - That's because she's poor. 421 00:28:35,714 --> 00:28:39,389 You'd smell if we were poor. Oh. Morning, Ursula. 422 00:28:39,718 --> 00:28:42,062 - Oh. Hello, love. - Hello, darling. 423 00:28:42,137 --> 00:28:43,138 Oh! 424 00:28:43,555 --> 00:28:45,398 Telling me about paint. 425 00:28:45,724 --> 00:28:49,399 I was in infant school. I won a prize for painting! 426 00:28:49,603 --> 00:28:51,603 - But it's all lumps. You have to mix it. - I have. 427 00:28:51,730 --> 00:28:55,735 I have mixed it. Only I got some Madeira cake in it. 428 00:28:56,318 --> 00:28:57,820 Cake or no cake, 429 00:28:57,903 --> 00:29:01,203 all Miss Shepherd's vehicles ended up looking as if they'd been given a coat 430 00:29:01,281 --> 00:29:04,080 of badly made custard, or plastered with scrambled eggs. 431 00:29:04,576 --> 00:29:06,078 Divine! 432 00:29:06,954 --> 00:29:11,084 Still, there were few occasions on which one saw her genuinely happy, 433 00:29:11,166 --> 00:29:13,510 and one of these was when she was putting paint on. 434 00:29:13,669 --> 00:29:17,014 Jackson Pollock himself could not have done it better. 435 00:29:18,799 --> 00:29:20,346 Even with a pan scrub. 436 00:29:27,391 --> 00:29:30,190 What're you doing? Get off my van! 437 00:29:30,936 --> 00:29:33,109 - Yellow lines. - Sorry? 438 00:29:33,438 --> 00:29:35,281 Parking restrictions. 439 00:29:36,275 --> 00:29:39,036 - Oh, what a bore. - She'll be illegally parked. 440 00:29:39,278 --> 00:29:40,700 She'll have to move. 441 00:29:46,118 --> 00:29:47,791 Look. Look. 442 00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:49,320 It's a removal order. 443 00:29:49,371 --> 00:29:51,373 I know it's a removal order. 444 00:29:51,456 --> 00:29:53,379 Well, it means you'll have to drive on somewhere else. 445 00:29:53,542 --> 00:29:55,215 But I'm disabled! 446 00:29:55,294 --> 00:29:59,094 I don't always use a walking stick. That pulls the wool over people's eyes. 447 00:29:59,381 --> 00:30:02,225 But I am a bona fide resident of Camden! 448 00:30:02,634 --> 00:30:06,309 And I had rheumatic fever as a child, and mumps. 449 00:30:06,471 --> 00:30:09,145 I still think you'll have to move on. Go somewhere else. 450 00:30:09,308 --> 00:30:11,777 It won't move. There's not enough juice. 451 00:30:11,893 --> 00:30:14,817 - Well, I'll get you some up the road. - I don't like their petrol! 452 00:30:14,980 --> 00:30:18,826 I don't know. It could be, it could go. It just might need a bit of coaxing. 453 00:30:19,901 --> 00:30:20,902 What I'm... 454 00:30:21,695 --> 00:30:26,041 What I'm worried about particularly are the wheels. 455 00:30:26,908 --> 00:30:29,252 They're under divine protection. 456 00:30:29,494 --> 00:30:32,794 If I do get this other vehicle, I'd like the wheels transferred. 457 00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:36,544 - What other vehicle? - They may be miraculous, the tyres. 458 00:30:37,085 --> 00:30:39,929 They've only had to be pumped up once since 1964. 459 00:30:40,422 --> 00:30:43,346 - What other vehicle? - They only cost me a fiver. 460 00:30:43,467 --> 00:30:45,811 Miss Shepherd, you said about another vehicle? 461 00:30:45,886 --> 00:30:47,513 Hmm? Yeah, a van. 462 00:30:48,013 --> 00:30:49,356 Another van? 463 00:30:49,723 --> 00:30:50,770 Mmm. 464 00:30:51,850 --> 00:30:53,852 Well, a newer model. 465 00:30:54,686 --> 00:30:59,692 A titled Catholic lady says she may get me one, as an act of charity. 466 00:31:00,942 --> 00:31:02,285 It's Lady Wiggin. 467 00:31:02,444 --> 00:31:05,448 Only she'd prefer to remain anonymous. 468 00:31:05,614 --> 00:31:09,460 I'll bet she would. So, why don't you park it outside her house? 469 00:31:09,868 --> 00:31:12,371 - It's out of the question. - There's plenty of room. 470 00:31:12,621 --> 00:31:14,965 - I have neighbours! - So have I. 471 00:31:15,290 --> 00:31:18,544 So, should I not buy her another van? 472 00:31:19,378 --> 00:31:21,426 - Please your fucking self. - What? 473 00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:24,884 Mr Bennett, I've worked it out. 474 00:31:26,051 --> 00:31:27,724 Mr Bennett. 475 00:31:29,638 --> 00:31:34,644 The ideal solution would be off-street parking. 476 00:31:36,061 --> 00:31:39,406 You know, a driveway, possibly. 477 00:31:40,941 --> 00:31:42,284 So, what are you going to do? 478 00:31:47,447 --> 00:31:49,449 Play it by ear. 479 00:31:53,203 --> 00:31:54,295 Oh... 480 00:32:07,843 --> 00:32:09,015 Lady? 481 00:32:10,429 --> 00:32:12,102 Are you there? 482 00:32:14,266 --> 00:32:16,439 Is this a bad moment? 483 00:32:17,769 --> 00:32:19,942 Have you got something for me? 484 00:32:20,021 --> 00:32:21,318 Ow! 485 00:32:22,023 --> 00:32:24,117 You bad bitch! 486 00:32:24,317 --> 00:32:25,990 You dirty, lying bitch! 487 00:32:28,113 --> 00:32:29,786 Can I help you? 488 00:32:31,616 --> 00:32:33,789 Good evening to you, sir! 489 00:32:34,286 --> 00:32:36,288 I'm finding myself in the vicinity. 490 00:32:36,371 --> 00:32:39,671 I'm taking the opportunity to pay my compliments to Margaret. 491 00:32:40,292 --> 00:32:43,466 Margaret? An old friend from way back. 492 00:32:43,712 --> 00:32:44,838 You mean Miss Shepherd? 493 00:32:45,130 --> 00:32:47,132 Shepherd, is it? Very good. 494 00:32:47,966 --> 00:32:50,765 - Well, she'll be asleep. - Of course. 495 00:32:50,969 --> 00:32:56,066 I'll bid you a good night, sir. I'll call again when my schedule permits. 496 00:33:18,330 --> 00:33:20,173 Thank you. 497 00:33:38,683 --> 00:33:40,856 Are you in there? Rise and shine! 498 00:33:41,102 --> 00:33:44,197 - Get out, you old witch! - What a smelly bitch! 499 00:33:45,524 --> 00:33:47,868 Come on, darling! Come on! 500 00:33:54,783 --> 00:33:56,501 Excuse me. Excuse me, lads. 501 00:33:56,618 --> 00:33:57,584 Who the fuck are you? 502 00:33:57,610 --> 00:33:59,817 Never mind who I am. I've got your number! 503 00:34:00,121 --> 00:34:02,795 Just clear off! I live here, and I've got your number! 504 00:34:03,041 --> 00:34:05,715 An old lady lives in there. Just shove off! 505 00:34:07,462 --> 00:34:09,430 Miss Shepherd? 506 00:34:12,676 --> 00:34:13,802 Miss Shepherd? 507 00:34:17,055 --> 00:34:18,898 Miss Shepherd, are you all right? 508 00:34:20,392 --> 00:34:23,396 Yes, yes. I think so. 509 00:34:24,062 --> 00:34:28,067 What was it about? It wasn't the police, was it? 510 00:34:28,149 --> 00:34:33,371 No. They were louts, but if you choose to live like this, it's what you must expect. 511 00:34:35,240 --> 00:34:40,246 I didn't choose. I was chosen. 512 00:34:43,582 --> 00:34:45,004 Well, that settles it. 513 00:34:45,834 --> 00:34:46,926 You think? 514 00:34:47,002 --> 00:34:50,176 I can't always be looking out for her. I'm not her keeper. 515 00:34:50,505 --> 00:34:52,678 I mean, what happens to work? 516 00:34:55,010 --> 00:34:57,604 - I think she should either go or... - Or what? 517 00:35:01,099 --> 00:35:05,024 Or bring the van into the drive, where we can forget about her. 518 00:35:06,187 --> 00:35:08,406 Actually, that's why some men marry. 519 00:35:08,648 --> 00:35:11,322 So they don't have to think any more about their wives. 520 00:35:11,526 --> 00:35:13,949 - That's not bad. - Yes, except it's Proust. 521 00:35:14,029 --> 00:35:15,497 Oh, yes. 522 00:35:15,572 --> 00:35:18,542 And it'll only be for a few months, until she decides where she's going. 523 00:35:20,660 --> 00:35:23,504 It'll be easier, but it's not kindness. 524 00:35:23,747 --> 00:35:25,124 No. 525 00:35:25,206 --> 00:35:28,585 "Good nature, or what is often considered as such," 526 00:35:28,793 --> 00:35:31,262 "is the most selfish of all virtues." 527 00:35:31,338 --> 00:35:35,468 "It is nine times out of 10 mere indolence of disposition." 528 00:35:36,176 --> 00:35:37,393 That's not you. 529 00:35:37,469 --> 00:35:40,473 Hazlitt. And it's will. Pure will. 530 00:35:40,555 --> 00:35:43,399 She's known what she's wanted all along. 531 00:36:12,420 --> 00:36:17,802 The soul in question did confess though in guarded terms 532 00:36:17,884 --> 00:36:20,353 in Rome in Holy Year, 533 00:36:20,428 --> 00:36:23,932 though I'm not sure the priest understood English. 534 00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:28,274 Do I look like a joy rider? 535 00:36:30,939 --> 00:36:32,862 My child, 536 00:36:32,941 --> 00:36:37,447 you have already been given absolution for this particular sin. 537 00:36:38,613 --> 00:36:42,868 I have given you it myself on several occasions. 538 00:36:43,451 --> 00:36:47,797 Have faith. Absolution is not like a bus pass. 539 00:36:48,039 --> 00:36:50,041 It does not run out. 540 00:37:03,471 --> 00:37:04,518 Christ. 541 00:37:04,597 --> 00:37:08,443 There's air freshener behind the Virgin. 542 00:37:15,191 --> 00:37:18,035 I thought we'd finally got rid of her. 543 00:37:18,820 --> 00:37:20,663 He's a saint. 544 00:37:20,739 --> 00:37:23,913 Ralph was the same. Some people are just kind. 545 00:37:24,325 --> 00:37:28,421 - Kind? - This is London, Ursula. Nobody's kind. 546 00:37:28,496 --> 00:37:29,964 Yeah, that's true. 547 00:37:30,081 --> 00:37:34,757 And now the old cow has got a foot in the door. He's a fool. 548 00:37:35,795 --> 00:37:37,468 - Who else would do it? - Yes. 549 00:37:37,672 --> 00:37:40,846 We might. It's just the girls-. 550 00:37:41,217 --> 00:37:42,594 Pauline. 551 00:37:42,677 --> 00:37:47,023 I'm just an unemployed actor, and I don't know the lady, but can I ask something? 552 00:37:47,307 --> 00:37:49,309 - What makes her Alan's problem? - Quite. 553 00:37:49,684 --> 00:37:52,858 Darling, she's a human being. 554 00:37:53,688 --> 00:37:55,486 Only just. 555 00:37:55,815 --> 00:37:57,488 Changing the subject. 556 00:37:57,817 --> 00:38:00,115 When are we going to find Alan a girl? 557 00:38:04,157 --> 00:38:05,625 Oh! Josephine's pregnant again. 558 00:38:05,700 --> 00:38:09,125 Oh, no! Actually, I'm just trying to think who Josephine is. 559 00:38:09,204 --> 00:38:11,206 - The hamster. - Jesus. 560 00:38:11,289 --> 00:38:12,632 - Here we are. - Ah! 561 00:38:12,707 --> 00:38:16,553 We were just saying how grateful she'll be. 562 00:38:16,628 --> 00:38:17,629 Yes. 563 00:38:20,715 --> 00:38:22,888 Put the van in your drive? 564 00:38:23,718 --> 00:38:26,221 That never occurred to me. 565 00:38:26,554 --> 00:38:30,149 I don't know. I don't know. It might not be convenient. 566 00:38:30,225 --> 00:38:32,978 No, I've thought it over. Believe me, Miss Shepherd, it's all right. 567 00:38:33,061 --> 00:38:35,109 Just till you sort yourself out. 568 00:38:35,730 --> 00:38:39,075 Well, not convenient for you! Convenient for me. 569 00:38:40,026 --> 00:38:43,121 You're not doing me a favour, you know. I have got other fish to fry. 570 00:38:43,530 --> 00:38:45,828 A man on the pavement told me 571 00:38:45,907 --> 00:38:50,583 if I went south of the river, I'd be welcomed with open arms. 572 00:38:55,416 --> 00:38:58,920 I was about to do her a good turn, but, as ever, 573 00:38:59,379 --> 00:39:02,428 it was not without thoughts of strangulation. 574 00:39:04,592 --> 00:39:07,266 She would come into the garden, yes, 575 00:39:07,595 --> 00:39:09,768 but only as a favour to me. 576 00:39:30,869 --> 00:39:31,870 That's it. 577 00:39:54,100 --> 00:39:55,568 Have you put on the handbrake? 578 00:39:55,643 --> 00:39:57,941 I am about to do so. 579 00:39:59,772 --> 00:40:03,151 Whereupon she applies the handbrake with such determination 580 00:40:03,318 --> 00:40:07,164 that, like Excalibur, it can never afterwards be released. 581 00:40:07,280 --> 00:40:08,452 Are you all right? 582 00:40:09,991 --> 00:40:12,039 Now she is on the premises, 583 00:40:12,160 --> 00:40:15,664 I sometimes get a glimpse of Miss Shepherd praying, 584 00:40:15,830 --> 00:40:19,084 and it is seldom a tranquil or a meditative process. 585 00:40:19,626 --> 00:40:21,628 I hunger and thirst for fulfillment... 586 00:40:21,836 --> 00:40:24,840 The fervour of her intercessions rocking her to and fro. 587 00:40:25,340 --> 00:40:26,980 In possible light received. 588 00:40:27,050 --> 00:40:30,054 What is it she's wanting forgiveness for? 589 00:40:31,846 --> 00:40:36,693 I used to pray myself when I was young, but never like this. 590 00:40:38,353 --> 00:40:42,358 I'd never done anything, but what has she done? 591 00:40:43,691 --> 00:40:45,364 Who's the old bat? 592 00:40:45,443 --> 00:40:47,445 Oh. She's a friend. 593 00:40:49,030 --> 00:40:50,282 A friend? 594 00:40:50,365 --> 00:40:52,709 Well, someone I know. 595 00:40:54,202 --> 00:40:55,374 Weird. 596 00:40:55,703 --> 00:40:57,171 Yeah, maybe. 597 00:40:58,831 --> 00:41:00,128 Actually, I think I better be off. 598 00:41:00,208 --> 00:41:03,052 You don't want to stay for coffee or anything? 599 00:41:03,544 --> 00:41:04,591 No. 600 00:41:09,217 --> 00:41:10,389 Bye. 601 00:41:22,271 --> 00:41:23,272 Mr Bennett? 602 00:41:25,274 --> 00:41:26,275 That young man, 603 00:41:27,443 --> 00:41:28,569 did he have an earring? 604 00:41:28,903 --> 00:41:30,075 He did. 605 00:41:31,739 --> 00:41:33,741 You want to be careful. 606 00:41:37,078 --> 00:41:38,921 She'll be wanting to move in next. 607 00:41:39,914 --> 00:41:43,259 Said my mother, who's been in London on a state visit. 608 00:41:43,543 --> 00:41:46,112 Why didn't you tell me she was in the drive? 609 00:41:46,138 --> 00:41:46,993 I forgot. 610 00:41:47,505 --> 00:41:50,179 I got a whiff of her when I first came. Whew. 611 00:41:51,092 --> 00:41:54,062 Right nasty bad dishcloth smell. 612 00:41:55,346 --> 00:41:56,848 Well, she's in the garden. 613 00:41:57,098 --> 00:41:58,941 Next, it'll be the house. 614 00:41:59,434 --> 00:42:01,152 What will folks think? 615 00:42:01,269 --> 00:42:03,943 This is London. Nobody thinks anything. 616 00:42:04,439 --> 00:42:08,444 It's with her being a nun, not having got off. 617 00:42:08,735 --> 00:42:10,078 They get thwarted. 618 00:42:14,490 --> 00:42:18,495 An educated woman, and living like that. 619 00:42:18,953 --> 00:42:21,547 Mind you, you're going down the same road. 620 00:42:21,622 --> 00:42:22,623 Me? 621 00:42:22,832 --> 00:42:27,508 No cloth on the table. No holder for the toilet roll. 622 00:42:28,296 --> 00:42:31,550 Given time, I could have this place spotless. 623 00:42:31,966 --> 00:42:33,013 You've got a home. 624 00:42:36,262 --> 00:42:37,809 You won't want to live here. 625 00:42:38,681 --> 00:42:40,024 On. 626 00:42:42,477 --> 00:42:44,320 Where does she go to the lav? 627 00:42:44,604 --> 00:42:46,948 It has something to do with plastic bags. 628 00:42:47,148 --> 00:42:49,492 What sort of plastic bags? 629 00:42:49,817 --> 00:42:51,660 Stout ones, I hope. 630 00:42:52,153 --> 00:42:54,827 - You've not met her. Do you want to? - Oh. No. 631 00:42:55,323 --> 00:43:00,500 No. With her being educated I wouldn't know what to say. 632 00:43:00,578 --> 00:43:01,579 Oh. 633 00:43:09,337 --> 00:43:11,180 - Oh. Give us a kiss! - Oh. 634 00:43:12,006 --> 00:43:14,850 - When will you be coming up next? - Soon. 635 00:43:15,176 --> 00:43:16,849 The thing is. 636 00:43:18,346 --> 00:43:21,691 I keep seeing a car in the car park. 637 00:43:21,974 --> 00:43:23,442 That's slightly to be expected, isn't it? 638 00:43:23,518 --> 00:43:26,021 At night. Watching. 639 00:43:26,687 --> 00:43:28,530 You taking your tablets? 640 00:43:29,690 --> 00:43:31,363 When I remember. Hmm. 641 00:43:35,530 --> 00:43:37,703 She should be in a home. 642 00:43:38,032 --> 00:43:40,706 - Where does she go to the lav? - I told you. 643 00:43:40,993 --> 00:43:42,495 Looked after. 644 00:43:42,829 --> 00:43:46,333 A place where they'd wash her and make her presentable. 645 00:43:46,666 --> 00:43:48,964 I'm surprised they let her roam the streets. 646 00:43:51,379 --> 00:43:53,757 It's like a fairy story, a parable... 647 00:43:53,840 --> 00:43:55,137 Good morning. 648 00:43:55,216 --> 00:43:57,469 In which the guilty is gulled into devising a sentence 649 00:43:57,552 --> 00:43:58,895 for someone innocent... 650 00:43:59,053 --> 00:44:00,054 Hello. 651 00:44:00,138 --> 00:44:02,561 Only to find it is their own doom they have pronounced... 652 00:44:02,890 --> 00:44:04,107 King's Cross, please. 653 00:44:04,183 --> 00:44:06,652 Because my mother is much closer to being put in a home... 654 00:44:06,727 --> 00:44:08,604 - Got your purse? - Yes. 655 00:44:08,688 --> 00:44:10,406 .-.Than Miss Shepherd. 656 00:44:11,732 --> 00:44:13,734 I do miss your dad. 657 00:44:14,235 --> 00:44:15,578 Give me a kiss. 658 00:44:18,573 --> 00:44:23,670 I asked our Gordon, when he was a pilot, did he go behind the clouds? 659 00:44:23,911 --> 00:44:26,209 - Did he? - I can't remember. 660 00:44:28,416 --> 00:44:31,386 He's a love, though. I know that. 661 00:44:32,461 --> 00:44:35,214 - Bye, Mam. - Bye. 662 00:45:18,633 --> 00:45:21,978 Good afternoon. Does Jesus Christ dwell in this house? 663 00:45:22,136 --> 00:45:24,480 No. Try the van. 664 00:45:57,838 --> 00:45:58,964 Thanks. 665 00:46:03,761 --> 00:46:05,183 Clear Off! 666 00:46:11,185 --> 00:46:12,528 Mr Bennett? 667 00:46:14,355 --> 00:46:17,029 These men who come late at night, 668 00:46:18,317 --> 00:46:19,364 I know what they are. 669 00:46:19,986 --> 00:46:21,033 Oh, Jesus. 670 00:46:21,153 --> 00:46:25,158 They're communists. Else why would they come at night? 671 00:46:26,867 --> 00:46:30,121 We constantly come back to the same point. 672 00:46:30,538 --> 00:46:33,212 Argentina was the invader. The Argentine... 673 00:46:33,416 --> 00:46:35,589 I like the new vehicle. 674 00:46:38,462 --> 00:46:40,464 Not a mark on it. 675 00:46:44,593 --> 00:46:46,140 Not a bloody scratch! 676 00:46:51,183 --> 00:46:53,060 What's your name now, Margaret? 677 00:46:53,227 --> 00:46:55,321 My name's Mary! Go away! 678 00:46:55,396 --> 00:46:58,240 Mary, is it now? Mary what? 679 00:46:59,900 --> 00:47:01,243 Mary what? 680 00:47:03,237 --> 00:47:05,535 - I'll call the police! - Call the police? 681 00:47:06,407 --> 00:47:09,911 I don't think you will, you two-faced pisshole. 682 00:47:10,244 --> 00:47:12,747 'Cause calling the police is just what you didn't do. 683 00:47:12,913 --> 00:47:15,917 Apropos of which, I think another contribution is due. 684 00:47:16,208 --> 00:47:18,757 Can I help you? What's all this din? 685 00:47:19,754 --> 00:47:21,222 No din, sir. 686 00:47:21,297 --> 00:47:25,052 Margaret and I were just taking a stroll down memory lane. 687 00:47:25,259 --> 00:47:29,389 No. Don't "Margaret" me. That name is buried to sin. 688 00:47:29,555 --> 00:47:30,898 You came before. 689 00:47:32,266 --> 00:47:34,769 Of course, this isn't the van, is it? 690 00:47:34,935 --> 00:47:36,278 She had another one. 691 00:47:37,063 --> 00:47:38,189 Kind of you. 692 00:47:39,440 --> 00:47:40,532 A homeless woman. 693 00:47:42,109 --> 00:47:43,827 A thankless soul. 694 00:47:44,278 --> 00:47:46,406 And not over-salubrious. 695 00:47:46,655 --> 00:47:47,656 Good-bye, Margaret. 696 00:47:52,119 --> 00:47:53,871 I thought you said your name was Mary. 697 00:47:54,246 --> 00:47:56,465 - It is. - So, why does he call you Margaret? 698 00:47:57,458 --> 00:48:01,304 He's taken too much to drink on an empty stomach, possibly. 699 00:48:01,962 --> 00:48:04,465 It is your name? Mary Shepherd. 700 00:48:05,966 --> 00:48:09,937 Subject to the Roman Catholic Church in her rights and to amendment. 701 00:48:15,601 --> 00:48:17,729 It's obviously not her name. 702 00:48:17,978 --> 00:48:21,482 But although years have passed since she drove her van into the garden, 703 00:48:22,149 --> 00:48:24,823 I'm still too polite to ask who she is, 704 00:48:24,902 --> 00:48:29,408 let alone what this fellow wants who materializes at regular intervals 705 00:48:29,490 --> 00:48:32,243 and comes braying on the side of the van. 706 00:48:33,494 --> 00:48:35,997 Music has something to do with it. 707 00:48:36,831 --> 00:48:40,335 But is it just the noise, or music itself? 708 00:48:52,805 --> 00:48:54,398 I can hear the music. 709 00:48:55,349 --> 00:48:57,022 I can hear it! 710 00:49:00,688 --> 00:49:02,690 Why must you play that? 711 00:49:03,065 --> 00:49:04,567 I can hear it! 712 00:49:05,484 --> 00:49:08,613 How can you dislike music? You used to play the piano. 713 00:49:08,779 --> 00:49:10,076 How do you know that? 714 00:49:10,531 --> 00:49:12,124 You told me. 715 00:49:12,241 --> 00:49:16,212 I didn't say I didn't like it. I don't want to hear it, that's all! 716 00:49:21,459 --> 00:49:23,302 Should she speak now? 717 00:49:23,919 --> 00:49:25,387 Should she explain? 718 00:49:26,255 --> 00:49:30,010 Well, she never lets on. Never explains. 719 00:49:30,926 --> 00:49:32,599 Well, maybe she should. 720 00:49:46,942 --> 00:49:48,444 Well, I... 721 00:49:50,112 --> 00:49:54,583 I was once left alone in a room in the convent. 722 00:49:56,285 --> 00:49:59,289 They didn't leave novices alone normally. 723 00:50:00,956 --> 00:50:03,300 And there was a piano there. 724 00:50:05,461 --> 00:50:08,135 I tried it, and it was open. 725 00:50:12,426 --> 00:50:14,303 It needed tuning. 726 00:50:16,138 --> 00:50:18,140 Some of the notes were dead. 727 00:50:21,143 --> 00:50:25,819 But it sounded more beautiful to me than any of the pianos I'd ever played. 728 00:50:45,167 --> 00:50:46,510 And then 729 00:50:47,962 --> 00:50:51,057 suddenly, the mistress of the novices came in. 730 00:50:52,424 --> 00:50:56,054 Crept in, possibly, 'cause I didn't hear her. She said... 731 00:50:56,136 --> 00:50:57,809 It's God's will. 732 00:50:57,930 --> 00:51:01,685 That was what God wanted. And that I'd been told before. 733 00:51:02,017 --> 00:51:03,519 And don't argue. 734 00:51:03,602 --> 00:51:04,649 I said, 735 00:51:05,688 --> 00:51:10,444 couldn't I just play some hymns for us to sing to? 736 00:51:10,526 --> 00:51:13,746 And she said that was arguing. 737 00:51:15,531 --> 00:51:18,660 And I'd never make a nun if I argued. 738 00:51:27,710 --> 00:51:30,054 So, with painful symmetry, 739 00:51:30,337 --> 00:51:33,216 my mother ends up in a home in Weston-super-Mare 740 00:51:34,049 --> 00:51:38,555 while her derelict counterpart resides in my garden. 741 00:51:39,555 --> 00:51:43,901 Putting my mother in a home, I see as some sort of failure. 742 00:51:44,727 --> 00:51:49,483 And giving the other a home, that's a failure, too. 743 00:51:56,030 --> 00:51:57,373 Oh, Jesus. 744 00:51:58,240 --> 00:52:00,914 She's got herself a three-wheeler. 745 00:52:04,038 --> 00:52:05,756 Where will you park it? 746 00:52:05,831 --> 00:52:07,253 In the residents' parking. 747 00:52:07,416 --> 00:52:10,511 - You haven't got a permit. - Yeah, I have. Yes, I got one yesterday. 748 00:52:10,586 --> 00:52:11,929 Well, you never told me. 749 00:52:12,004 --> 00:52:13,927 Well, you'd only have raised objections if I had. 750 00:52:14,048 --> 00:52:15,220 Have you insured it? 751 00:52:15,299 --> 00:52:18,394 I don't need insuring. It's like the van, I'm insured in heaven. 752 00:52:18,469 --> 00:52:21,222 So, who pays if you have an accident, the Pope? 753 00:52:21,305 --> 00:52:22,807 I shan't have an accident. 754 00:52:23,057 --> 00:52:24,309 Well, what if you run into something? 755 00:52:24,391 --> 00:52:26,735 I shan't run into anything. I'm an experienced driver. 756 00:52:26,810 --> 00:52:28,653 I drove ambulances in the blackout. 757 00:52:28,729 --> 00:52:30,823 Well, what if someone runs into you? 758 00:52:31,315 --> 00:52:33,989 Miss Shepherd, what if someone runs into you? 759 00:52:34,234 --> 00:52:36,202 You have no business saying that. 760 00:52:36,278 --> 00:52:38,576 Why do you say that? No one is going to run into me! 761 00:52:39,990 --> 00:52:41,412 Where's the key? 762 00:52:41,575 --> 00:52:42,827 - What key? - The car key. I put it down. 763 00:52:42,910 --> 00:52:44,002 Well, I haven't got it. 764 00:52:44,078 --> 00:52:45,330 - You had to have taken it. - I have not. 765 00:52:45,412 --> 00:52:47,915 You're lying! You don't want me to have the car, so you've taken the key. 766 00:52:48,082 --> 00:52:50,756 - Don't shout! - I have to shout because of your ignorance. 767 00:52:50,918 --> 00:52:53,091 People coming and going all hours of the day and night. 768 00:52:53,253 --> 00:52:55,722 I'd be better off in a ditch! Give me the key! 769 00:52:55,923 --> 00:52:57,596 I haven't got your sodding key! 770 00:52:57,675 --> 00:52:58,892 What's that around your neck? 771 00:52:59,093 --> 00:53:01,391 This is the key. The sodding key! 772 00:53:01,762 --> 00:53:03,059 Having fun? 773 00:53:06,433 --> 00:53:07,685 Shouldn't you say sorry? 774 00:53:08,686 --> 00:53:10,359 I've no time for sorry. 775 00:53:10,854 --> 00:53:12,527 Sorry is for God. 776 00:53:14,566 --> 00:53:16,819 This was the only time I ever touched her, 777 00:53:17,277 --> 00:53:22,249 and not because she was calling me a liar, but because she seemed mad. 778 00:53:22,908 --> 00:53:24,581 It was my mother. 779 00:53:29,456 --> 00:53:32,676 It's always Mam you compare her with. They are not the same. 780 00:53:33,293 --> 00:53:36,137 I don't like them even sharing the same sentence. 781 00:53:38,632 --> 00:53:40,976 These days, it's almost as if we're married. 782 00:53:41,552 --> 00:53:43,725 "How's your old lady?" They say. 783 00:53:44,138 --> 00:53:47,392 Which is what people call a wife. Your old lady. 784 00:53:48,183 --> 00:53:49,935 How's your old lady? 785 00:53:50,269 --> 00:53:52,863 Well, she's still there. I'm still here. 786 00:53:53,605 --> 00:53:55,699 Your mother died, didn't she? 787 00:53:55,774 --> 00:53:57,697 No, she's still here, too. 788 00:53:58,277 --> 00:53:59,950 She's in a home. 789 00:54:00,612 --> 00:54:04,458 Except she's not all there. She's not anywhere. 790 00:54:04,783 --> 00:54:07,127 Shouldn't we make that plain in the play? 791 00:54:07,327 --> 00:54:11,207 No. It's classified information. 792 00:54:11,790 --> 00:54:14,509 Years ago, Mam wanted Miss Shepherd put in a home. 793 00:54:15,627 --> 00:54:17,300 But she's still on the loose. 794 00:54:17,463 --> 00:54:20,307 Of course, whether she's all there or not is anyone's guess. 795 00:54:20,507 --> 00:54:21,884 Mr Bennett! 796 00:54:22,968 --> 00:54:28,316 You know, I don't like the three-wheeler standing in the street. 797 00:54:28,724 --> 00:54:32,479 You see, if you pushed the van in front of your window, 798 00:54:32,644 --> 00:54:35,113 I could get the Reliant in there on the drive. 799 00:54:35,189 --> 00:54:36,281 There's tons of room. 800 00:54:36,440 --> 00:54:39,034 So, I have the van and the Reliant. 801 00:54:39,651 --> 00:54:42,825 Yeah, I've had guidance that's where it should be. 802 00:54:43,155 --> 00:54:45,908 You know, in terms of vandals. 803 00:54:46,241 --> 00:54:47,834 Guidance from whom? 804 00:54:48,160 --> 00:54:50,663 I'm not at liberty to speak. 805 00:54:51,163 --> 00:54:53,962 I think I may contact my new social worker. 806 00:54:54,124 --> 00:54:56,405 What for? You always say you don't want the social worker. 807 00:54:56,502 --> 00:54:58,846 I've had guidance she might help. 808 00:54:59,838 --> 00:55:01,511 I don't want a used car lot. 809 00:55:01,590 --> 00:55:03,430 - Mary says. - Mary who? 810 00:55:05,052 --> 00:55:06,349 MEW- 811 00:55:06,428 --> 00:55:07,896 Your Lady in the Van. 812 00:55:09,056 --> 00:55:11,275 Didn't you know her name was Mary? 813 00:55:11,558 --> 00:55:14,061 Well, I suppose I did. I always call her Miss Shepherd. 814 00:55:14,353 --> 00:55:16,026 We all have names. 815 00:55:16,522 --> 00:55:19,122 Perhaps if you called her by her name and she called you by yours, 816 00:55:19,942 --> 00:55:21,068 "Alan!!! "Mary", 817 00:55:21,151 --> 00:55:22,994 you never know, it might be easier to talk things through. 818 00:55:23,070 --> 00:55:25,539 Through? There is no through. 819 00:55:25,614 --> 00:55:27,161 How do you talk things through with someone 820 00:55:27,241 --> 00:55:29,539 who has conversations with the Virgin Mary? 821 00:55:29,618 --> 00:55:32,417 You talk things through with Isaiah Berlin, maybe, 822 00:55:32,579 --> 00:55:35,253 who, in comparison with Miss Shepherd, is a man of few words. 823 00:55:35,332 --> 00:55:38,336 You do not talk things through with her because you don't get through. 824 00:55:38,585 --> 00:55:42,180 Alan, I'm getting a bit of hostility here. 825 00:55:42,422 --> 00:55:45,016 I realise for you this may be a steep learning curve. 826 00:55:45,259 --> 00:55:47,933 No. It is not a steep learning curve. 827 00:55:48,011 --> 00:55:50,389 I've never been on a so-called learning curve. 828 00:55:51,265 --> 00:55:54,018 I'm about as likely to be found on a learning curve 829 00:55:54,184 --> 00:55:57,028 as I am on the ski slopes at Zermatt. 830 00:55:57,521 --> 00:56:01,526 And besides, her name isn't Mary. 831 00:56:02,359 --> 00:56:03,451 Oh? 832 00:56:04,069 --> 00:56:05,696 Some people seem to think it's Margaret. 833 00:56:06,530 --> 00:56:08,532 You know, it isn't even Shepherd. 834 00:56:09,825 --> 00:56:12,704 Well, I have her down as Mary. 835 00:56:12,786 --> 00:56:16,791 Yes, and you presumably have her down as a rational human being. 836 00:56:33,640 --> 00:56:34,732 Ugh... 837 00:56:50,490 --> 00:56:51,537 Ugh... 838 00:56:58,165 --> 00:56:59,508 Hello! 839 00:56:59,750 --> 00:57:01,172 Mummy! 840 00:59:09,046 --> 00:59:10,889 Back in half an hour. 841 00:59:25,479 --> 00:59:26,526 Hello, Margaret. 842 00:59:41,745 --> 00:59:44,089 Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. 843 00:59:44,414 --> 00:59:47,918 Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb. 844 00:59:52,923 --> 00:59:54,925 What are you doing there? Come on! 845 00:59:55,675 --> 00:59:58,019 What's happened to Stirling Moss? 846 00:59:58,345 --> 00:59:59,688 Haven't seen her at the wheel recently. 847 00:59:59,763 --> 01:00:03,438 Taking a well-earned break, I imagine. The Dordogne, possibly. 848 01:00:03,934 --> 01:00:05,936 - Really? - Pauline. 849 01:00:07,104 --> 01:00:08,777 Her car's back. 850 01:00:09,606 --> 01:00:13,281 But I haven't seen her around for a bit. I wonder if she's all right. 851 01:00:13,527 --> 01:00:14,528 Am I right in thinking 852 01:00:14,611 --> 01:00:18,832 that large, many-contoured stain at the back of her frock denotes incontinence? 853 01:00:19,241 --> 01:00:20,801 I don't think it's a fashion statement. 854 01:00:22,202 --> 01:00:24,204 Oh, darling. 855 01:00:25,247 --> 01:00:29,468 What you must be hoping is that one of these days she'll just slip away. 856 01:00:29,543 --> 01:00:30,669 Don't you believe it. 857 01:00:30,794 --> 01:00:35,140 That's what happens in plays. In life, going downhill is an uphill job. 858 01:00:36,925 --> 01:00:38,552 How's your mother? 859 01:00:38,635 --> 01:00:42,310 Oh, same. Sits. Smiles. Sleeps. 860 01:00:45,684 --> 01:00:46,731 Oh. 861 01:00:47,894 --> 01:00:49,271 Are you all right? 862 01:00:50,772 --> 01:00:53,742 Me? Yes, why? I'm just going to the theatre. 863 01:00:53,817 --> 01:00:56,821 - Not upset about your play? - No. 864 01:00:57,404 --> 01:00:59,657 I read a good review the other day. 865 01:00:59,739 --> 01:01:02,162 - I was told they were all good. - They are, I'm sure. 866 01:01:02,409 --> 01:01:03,786 We enjoyed it. 867 01:01:03,869 --> 01:01:06,998 Though I hadn't realised it was just going to be you and nobody else. 868 01:01:07,080 --> 01:01:09,082 Well, yes. It's a monologue. 869 01:01:09,166 --> 01:01:11,009 Yes, I suppose. 870 01:01:11,501 --> 01:01:13,503 I'm just amazed how you remember it all. 871 01:01:14,087 --> 01:01:17,182 The review I read was particularly perceptive about you. 872 01:01:17,257 --> 01:01:19,180 Really? Saying what? 873 01:01:19,259 --> 01:01:20,932 That you couldn't make your mind up. 874 01:01:21,094 --> 01:01:23,517 - About what? - Anything, really. 875 01:01:24,264 --> 01:01:26,437 It meant in a good way! 876 01:01:26,808 --> 01:01:28,151 Thanks. 877 01:01:30,395 --> 01:01:34,366 Actually, I couldn't make it out at all. What was it about? 878 01:01:34,441 --> 01:01:37,194 Him, as usual. Not coming clean. 879 01:01:37,277 --> 01:01:38,870 - What about? - What do you think? 880 01:01:38,945 --> 01:01:39,946 Oh. 881 01:01:43,283 --> 01:01:47,584 And when I came down again, she's still sat there, hat and coat on. 882 01:01:48,205 --> 01:01:53,382 She said, "Graham, my one aim in life is for you to be happy." 883 01:01:53,919 --> 01:01:55,091 And execute 45. 884 01:01:55,170 --> 01:01:57,719 "If I thought that by dying it would make you happy, I would." 885 01:01:57,797 --> 01:01:58,764 Go. 886 01:01:58,840 --> 01:02:00,262 I said, "Mam", 887 01:02:00,342 --> 01:02:03,721 "your dying wouldn't make me happy. In fact, the reverse." 888 01:02:03,845 --> 01:02:07,725 "It would make me unhappy. Anyway, Mam, you're not going to die." 889 01:02:08,141 --> 01:02:11,645 She said, "No, I'm not going to die." 890 01:02:12,062 --> 01:02:13,735 "I'm going to get married." 891 01:02:13,813 --> 01:02:16,407 "The honeymoon is in Tenerife." 892 01:02:16,900 --> 01:02:18,527 "Have one of your tablets." 893 01:02:29,746 --> 01:02:33,421 BENNETT. So, for the umpteenth time, I biked back from the theatre 894 01:02:33,583 --> 01:02:35,836 where I'd been talking about my mother. 895 01:02:37,420 --> 01:02:39,923 Well, at least I know where my mother is. 896 01:02:45,262 --> 01:02:46,702 Miss Shepherd. 897 01:02:52,269 --> 01:02:53,486 Miss Shepherd? 898 01:02:59,693 --> 01:03:00,865 I don't like it. 899 01:03:01,778 --> 01:03:03,780 - So, look in. - No. 900 01:03:04,114 --> 01:03:06,367 - Are you scared? - No. 901 01:03:06,449 --> 01:03:07,541 Not of the body. 902 01:03:07,617 --> 01:03:11,542 Scared this may be the end of the story, and now I'm going to have to write it. 903 01:03:13,290 --> 01:03:14,963 Still, now she's gone. 904 01:03:15,458 --> 01:03:17,131 I can make it up. 905 01:03:17,460 --> 01:03:20,384 Narrative freedom. Whoopee. 906 01:03:23,633 --> 01:03:24,976 Miss Shepherd. 907 01:03:27,971 --> 01:03:30,019 - Miss Shepherd? - Go on. 908 01:03:37,439 --> 01:03:40,067 What are you doing? Looking at my things? 909 01:03:40,150 --> 01:03:42,323 I thought you might be ill or dead. 910 01:03:42,402 --> 01:03:44,575 - Dead? Me? - I was concerned. 911 01:03:44,654 --> 01:03:45,906 You were nosy! 912 01:03:45,989 --> 01:03:47,081 I haven't seen you. I'm sorry. 913 01:03:47,157 --> 01:03:49,501 I'm not dead! You'll know when I'm dead. 914 01:03:49,576 --> 01:03:50,748 I'm sorry. 915 01:03:50,869 --> 01:03:54,373 Dead? Me? I shan't die in a hurry, I can tell you. 916 01:03:54,831 --> 01:03:56,174 Dead? 917 01:03:57,167 --> 01:03:59,169 Don't make me laugh. 918 01:04:01,838 --> 01:04:05,012 She didn't die then, and nor did my mother. 919 01:04:05,759 --> 01:04:09,764 But as the years passed, both of them were beginning to fade. 920 01:04:10,013 --> 01:04:13,017 As you can appreciate, it's difficult to take a history. 921 01:04:13,099 --> 01:04:15,443 But I'm right in thinking she hasn't been a smoker? 922 01:04:15,518 --> 01:04:18,863 - No. - Not been a smoker, doesn't drink. 923 01:04:19,689 --> 01:04:21,817 All things considered, a very healthy woman. 924 01:04:23,026 --> 01:04:24,027 You think? 925 01:04:34,037 --> 01:04:36,381 This is a woman who's broken her hip. 926 01:04:37,123 --> 01:04:40,423 And of course, in someone younger and in better circumstances, 927 01:04:40,502 --> 01:04:42,550 we'd give them antibiotics. 928 01:04:43,213 --> 01:04:46,808 But at your mother's age, and in her state of mind, 929 01:04:47,550 --> 01:04:50,394 one wonders if this is altogether kind. 930 01:04:51,888 --> 01:04:54,687 And if you don't give her antibiotics, what will happen? 931 01:04:54,974 --> 01:04:56,647 She may recover. 932 01:04:57,310 --> 01:04:58,653 Or not. 933 01:04:59,062 --> 01:05:01,406 She could just sleep away. 934 01:05:03,400 --> 01:05:05,243 You mustn't reproach yourself. 935 01:05:06,486 --> 01:05:07,829 You've done 936 01:05:09,072 --> 01:05:11,495 more than can be expected. 937 01:05:17,997 --> 01:05:18,998 Thank you. 938 01:05:20,458 --> 01:05:21,505 Oh. 939 01:05:22,085 --> 01:05:23,428 Mr Bennett. 940 01:05:24,254 --> 01:05:26,254 - Where have you been? - Seeing my mother. 941 01:05:26,339 --> 01:05:27,682 Oh. How is she? 942 01:05:28,925 --> 01:05:31,019 The same. She doesn't remember me now. 943 01:05:31,177 --> 01:05:34,181 Well, I'm not surprised. She doesn't see you very often. 944 01:05:35,265 --> 01:05:37,267 Will you write about me? 945 01:05:38,268 --> 01:05:39,440 I don't know. 946 01:05:40,270 --> 01:05:41,487 She never said this. 947 01:05:41,771 --> 01:05:42,772 So? 948 01:05:43,940 --> 01:05:46,693 Oh. I've heard you. On the wireless. 949 01:05:46,943 --> 01:05:48,320 Does she know that? 950 01:05:48,945 --> 01:05:51,039 Well, how can she? She doesn't know who she is. 951 01:05:51,448 --> 01:05:55,624 Yeah, that's what you think. Using your mother. 952 01:05:56,453 --> 01:05:58,376 You should be ashamed of yourself. 953 01:05:58,788 --> 01:06:00,131 She didn't say this. 954 01:06:00,623 --> 01:06:03,547 No. But why shouldn't she? 955 01:06:04,419 --> 01:06:08,049 You write about her all the time, one way or another. 956 01:06:08,381 --> 01:06:10,054 You use your mother. 957 01:06:10,133 --> 01:06:12,056 That's what writers do. 958 01:06:12,469 --> 01:06:15,439 Me next, I suppose. 959 01:06:15,805 --> 01:06:19,810 Anyway, now you're here, I need some shopping done. 960 01:06:20,643 --> 01:06:22,896 You ought to go yourself. You should try and walk more. 961 01:06:22,979 --> 01:06:24,401 - I do walk. - I never see you. 962 01:06:24,522 --> 01:06:27,082 Well, that's 'cause you're not around in the middle of the night. 963 01:06:27,650 --> 01:06:28,993 I want some batteries. 964 01:06:29,611 --> 01:06:30,908 And some sherbet lemons. 965 01:06:31,738 --> 01:06:33,490 - Mr Bennett? - Yes? 966 01:06:35,158 --> 01:06:38,162 Would you like to push me up the street? 967 01:06:40,330 --> 01:06:41,957 Not particularly, no. 968 01:07:00,350 --> 01:07:02,819 This'll do. Turn me 'round. Turn me 'round! 969 01:07:02,894 --> 01:07:03,895 All right. 970 01:07:07,398 --> 01:07:09,116 Whee! 971 01:07:16,199 --> 01:07:17,542 Careful! 972 01:07:34,551 --> 01:07:35,894 Are you all right? 973 01:07:36,719 --> 01:07:40,064 Yes, I think so. 974 01:07:40,640 --> 01:07:42,440 Would you like me to make you a cup of coffee? 975 01:07:42,475 --> 01:07:43,692 No. 976 01:07:43,768 --> 01:07:47,318 No, I don't want you to go to all that trouble. I'll just have half a cup. 977 01:07:53,486 --> 01:07:54,487 Oh! 978 01:07:55,738 --> 01:07:57,536 I have to go to mass. 979 01:07:57,657 --> 01:07:59,751 - Well, you're not fit. - Here. 980 01:07:59,909 --> 01:08:02,753 It's an anniversary and a day of obligation. 981 01:08:02,829 --> 01:08:05,332 Oh? Who for? A saint? 982 01:08:05,415 --> 01:08:07,417 No. A young man. 983 01:08:07,500 --> 01:08:09,047 Oh? Someone you loved? 984 01:08:09,127 --> 01:08:11,471 No! Certainly not. Just someone I... 985 01:08:12,589 --> 01:08:14,432 Someone who died. 986 01:08:14,924 --> 01:08:17,928 He'd be in his 50s now. 987 01:08:18,261 --> 01:08:19,433 Was he a Catholic? 988 01:08:19,512 --> 01:08:23,358 Possibly, possibly. Only he's in purgatory. He needs my prayers. 989 01:08:23,600 --> 01:08:25,193 What was his name? 990 01:08:25,435 --> 01:08:27,779 No, I never bother with names. 991 01:08:29,772 --> 01:08:31,445 The body of Christ. 992 01:08:37,572 --> 01:08:38,652 The body of Christ. 993 01:08:42,619 --> 01:08:44,542 - Yes? - I live down the street. 994 01:08:45,538 --> 01:08:46,960 I've seen you. 995 01:08:51,127 --> 01:08:52,549 It's you that has the van. 996 01:08:52,879 --> 01:08:54,096 Yes. 997 01:08:54,881 --> 01:08:56,178 Difficult woman. 998 01:08:56,799 --> 01:08:58,051 A Catholic. 999 01:08:59,135 --> 01:09:01,308 One of the sisters remembers her. 1000 01:09:02,305 --> 01:09:07,482 I've been told she was very argumentative. Is that why she was made to leave? 1001 01:09:08,144 --> 01:09:09,817 Disputatious, she was. 1002 01:09:10,229 --> 01:09:13,449 I've had her pointed out to me on that account, hankering after the piano. 1003 01:09:13,566 --> 01:09:14,988 She always thought she was right. 1004 01:09:15,068 --> 01:09:17,821 She wasn't right. God is right. End of story. 1005 01:09:18,905 --> 01:09:20,578 Anyway, what do you want to know for? 1006 01:09:20,698 --> 01:09:23,417 - She's ill. - Who? The woman? 1007 01:09:23,576 --> 01:09:27,046 I wondered if there was a nun available who could talk to her, do her some shopping. 1008 01:09:27,664 --> 01:09:30,008 We don't have shopping nuns. 1009 01:09:30,333 --> 01:09:32,176 It's a strict order. 1010 01:09:32,502 --> 01:09:33,719 I've seen them shopping. 1011 01:09:33,795 --> 01:09:36,469 I saw one yesterday at Marks & Spencer. She was buying meringues. 1012 01:09:37,507 --> 01:09:39,100 The Bishop may have been coming. 1013 01:09:39,676 --> 01:09:41,053 Well, does he like meringues? 1014 01:09:41,844 --> 01:09:46,020 Who are you, coming 'round, asking if the Bishop likes meringues? 1015 01:09:46,099 --> 01:09:47,351 Are you a communist? 1016 01:09:47,684 --> 01:09:50,779 She's ill. She's a Catholic, and I think she might be dying. 1017 01:09:51,521 --> 01:09:54,070 Well, they can pray for her, only you'll have to fill in a form. 1018 01:09:55,024 --> 01:09:57,447 She'll probably pull her socks up once your back is turned. 1019 01:09:57,568 --> 01:10:01,072 That's been my experience where invalids are concerned. 1020 01:10:02,365 --> 01:10:03,867 This way out! 1021 01:10:04,701 --> 01:10:07,545 I don't want you bumping into the sisters. 1022 01:10:14,127 --> 01:10:15,128 Oh! 1023 01:10:29,267 --> 01:10:31,645 Another parcel on the path. 1024 01:10:33,104 --> 01:10:38,110 If... When I write about all this, people will say there's too much about shit. 1025 01:10:40,528 --> 01:10:44,783 But there was a lot about shit. Shit was in the forefront. 1026 01:10:45,116 --> 01:10:47,414 Caring, which is not a word I like, 1027 01:10:47,493 --> 01:10:49,962 caring is about shit. 1028 01:11:06,763 --> 01:11:08,731 - I've talked to Mary. - Or Margaret. 1029 01:11:08,806 --> 01:11:10,149 Or Margaret. 1030 01:11:10,391 --> 01:11:12,109 Miss Shepherd, anyway. 1031 01:11:12,185 --> 01:11:16,156 She tells me you don't encourage her to get out and lead a more purposeful life, 1032 01:11:16,230 --> 01:11:17,732 and put obstacles in her way. 1033 01:11:17,982 --> 01:11:20,155 I don't encourage her to think she can become prime minister. 1034 01:11:20,234 --> 01:11:22,737 I do encourage her to try and get to the supermarket. 1035 01:11:23,237 --> 01:11:26,582 Yes. A carer will often feel that... 1036 01:11:26,657 --> 01:11:30,753 Excuse me, may I stop you? Do not call me the carer. I am not the carer. 1037 01:11:31,162 --> 01:11:34,041 I hate caring. I hate the thought. I hate the word. 1038 01:11:34,373 --> 01:11:39,595 I do not care, and I do not care for. I am here, she is there. There is no caring. 1039 01:11:40,004 --> 01:11:43,975 Alan, I'm sensing hostility again. 1040 01:11:45,176 --> 01:11:48,555 You see, I'm wondering whether having cared for Mary, 1041 01:11:48,763 --> 01:11:51,391 as it were, single handed for all these years, 1042 01:11:52,183 --> 01:11:55,687 you don't understandably resent it when the professionals lend a hand. 1043 01:11:56,020 --> 01:11:57,146 No, though I resent it 1044 01:11:57,230 --> 01:11:59,574 when the professionals turn up every three months or so 1045 01:11:59,774 --> 01:12:01,947 and try to tell me what this woman, 1046 01:12:02,193 --> 01:12:06,369 whom I have coped with on a daily basis for the past 15 years, is like. 1047 01:12:06,697 --> 01:12:08,574 What is she like? 1048 01:12:09,033 --> 01:12:14,085 Mary, as you call her, is a bigoted, blinkered, cantankerous, devious, 1049 01:12:14,330 --> 01:12:18,176 unforgiving, self-serving, rank, rude, car-mad cow. 1050 01:12:18,459 --> 01:12:21,087 Which is to say nothing of her flying faeces 1051 01:12:21,170 --> 01:12:23,639 and her ability to extrude from her withered buttocks 1052 01:12:23,714 --> 01:12:27,014 turds of such force that they land a yard from the back of the van 1053 01:12:27,093 --> 01:12:29,562 and their presumed point of exit. 1054 01:12:30,763 --> 01:12:33,186 Though, of course, you didn't say any of that. 1055 01:12:37,603 --> 01:12:39,526 People will think it's because you're too nice. 1056 01:12:40,481 --> 01:12:42,404 It's actually because you're too timid. 1057 01:12:42,650 --> 01:12:45,654 Yes. Though this being England, timid is good, too. 1058 01:12:48,114 --> 01:12:50,958 Well, this has been very helpful. 1059 01:12:51,576 --> 01:12:54,079 I'll see about getting her a doctor. 1060 01:12:55,413 --> 01:12:57,586 Is it a man doctor? 1061 01:12:57,832 --> 01:12:59,004 Yes. 1062 01:13:02,753 --> 01:13:07,133 I don't want a man doctor. Don't they have a woman? 1063 01:13:07,216 --> 01:13:10,516 Sorry. Miss Shepherd, I only want to take your pulse. 1064 01:13:12,430 --> 01:13:15,104 - Which hand? Do you have a preference? - No. 1065 01:13:17,643 --> 01:13:18,735 Ah. 1066 01:13:21,105 --> 01:13:23,449 It's normally cleaner than that. 1067 01:13:25,610 --> 01:13:28,284 Miss Shepherd, I'd like to take you to hospital for a day or so, 1068 01:13:28,362 --> 01:13:29,705 just to run some tests. 1069 01:13:29,947 --> 01:13:33,292 No, I've always had great faith in onions. 1070 01:13:33,534 --> 01:13:34,706 Yes. 1071 01:13:35,119 --> 01:13:38,965 But onions can only take you so far, medically speaking. 1072 01:13:44,003 --> 01:13:45,630 She won't go to hospital. 1073 01:13:45,713 --> 01:13:48,011 - How do you know? - Ask her. 1074 01:13:48,633 --> 01:13:51,432 Would she go to the day centre? She could be looked at there. 1075 01:13:51,802 --> 01:13:53,645 And she could stay for a few days. 1076 01:13:53,888 --> 01:13:55,890 She won't go to the day centre. 1077 01:13:56,140 --> 01:13:57,483 Are you sure? 1078 01:13:57,725 --> 01:13:59,068 Have you asked her? 1079 01:13:59,602 --> 01:14:03,277 She will not go to the day centre. I know. 1080 01:14:03,481 --> 01:14:05,028 Of course I'll go. 1081 01:14:06,901 --> 01:14:08,653 They won't make me stay in? 1082 01:14:08,819 --> 01:14:11,288 No, they're going to give you a bath and put you in some clean clothes 1083 01:14:11,364 --> 01:14:12,536 and do some tests. 1084 01:14:12,823 --> 01:14:14,200 Will they leave me to it? 1085 01:14:14,492 --> 01:14:16,335 - Where? - In the bath. 1086 01:14:16,661 --> 01:14:21,007 I know how to bath myself. I've won awards for that. 1087 01:14:21,332 --> 01:14:22,504 Yes, I remember. 1088 01:14:22,583 --> 01:14:23,943 - Mr Bennett. - Yes? 1089 01:14:24,168 --> 01:14:27,718 It won't look as if I'm being taken away, will it? 1090 01:14:27,838 --> 01:14:29,511 Taken away where? 1091 01:14:29,757 --> 01:14:34,183 Where they take people because they're not right. 1092 01:14:34,261 --> 01:14:35,604 Do they do that still? 1093 01:14:35,763 --> 01:14:37,857 Well, sometimes, but you need a lot of signatures. 1094 01:14:38,057 --> 01:14:40,810 But they pretend things to get you there sometimes. 1095 01:14:41,018 --> 01:14:45,023 That's the danger with next of kin. It's one of their tricks. 1096 01:14:46,107 --> 01:14:48,280 They might be pretending it's a day centre. 1097 01:14:48,693 --> 01:14:50,536 - No. - Well, I... 1098 01:14:50,778 --> 01:14:53,452 I've been had like that once before. 1099 01:14:53,531 --> 01:14:54,874 Alan. 1100 01:14:58,786 --> 01:15:00,379 Miss Shepherd. 1101 01:15:00,454 --> 01:15:04,880 Now, I'm a bit behindhand with things, so there may be a bit of a... 1102 01:15:05,751 --> 01:15:07,594 - Put your arm around my neck. - Oh! 1103 01:15:09,338 --> 01:15:10,681 There we go. 1104 01:15:11,382 --> 01:15:14,226 I've not gone in for this kind of thing much. 1105 01:15:14,844 --> 01:15:17,518 I note how, with none of my own distaste, 1106 01:15:17,638 --> 01:15:20,983 the ambulance driver does not hesitate to touch Miss Shepherd, 1107 01:15:21,058 --> 01:15:24,904 and even puts his arm around her as he lowers her into the chair. 1108 01:15:28,149 --> 01:15:32,404 I note, too, his careful rearrangement of her greasy clothing, 1109 01:15:32,903 --> 01:15:37,579 pulling the skirt down over her knees in the interest of modesty. 1110 01:15:41,245 --> 01:15:43,247 I'm coming back, you know. 1111 01:15:43,581 --> 01:15:45,754 This isn't a toe in the water job. 1112 01:15:46,000 --> 01:15:48,253 Is there anything you'd like us to take and have us wash? 1113 01:15:48,586 --> 01:15:51,760 Well, why? Most of my things are clean. 1114 01:15:52,506 --> 01:15:54,179 Not ill, your friend? 1115 01:15:54,341 --> 01:15:56,514 - No. - Not going? 1116 01:15:56,677 --> 01:16:00,147 - Only to the day centre, apparently. - Oh. 1117 01:16:00,264 --> 01:16:02,437 The children always ask after her. 1118 01:16:03,184 --> 01:16:05,733 They used to be so frightened of her when they were young. 1119 01:16:05,936 --> 01:16:09,315 One's in Washington now. The World Bank. 1120 01:16:10,649 --> 01:16:13,277 How long has it been? Ten years? 1121 01:16:13,944 --> 01:16:15,787 - More like 15. - A lifetime. 1122 01:16:16,280 --> 01:16:18,078 Mr Bennett. Mr Bennett. 1123 01:16:21,702 --> 01:16:24,376 That social worker wanted to know my next of kin. 1124 01:16:24,455 --> 01:16:29,336 I don't want my next of kin broadcast, so I said I didn't have any. 1125 01:16:29,794 --> 01:16:31,467 Only, they're in this envelope. 1126 01:16:31,796 --> 01:16:34,720 And you keep it under your hat. 1127 01:16:35,800 --> 01:16:39,304 Do you know I was an ambulance driver myself once? 1128 01:16:39,845 --> 01:16:41,472 During the war. 1129 01:16:41,889 --> 01:16:44,642 I knew Kensington in the blackout. 1130 01:16:44,809 --> 01:16:46,186 - Oh. Really? - Mmm. 1131 01:16:50,815 --> 01:16:53,034 The chair goes up on a lift. 1132 01:16:53,484 --> 01:16:55,578 And in this small ascension, 1133 01:16:55,653 --> 01:16:59,328 when she slowly rises above the level of the garden wall, 1134 01:16:59,406 --> 01:17:01,704 there is a vagabond nobility about her. 1135 01:17:02,993 --> 01:17:05,997 A derelict Nobel Prize winner, she looks, 1136 01:17:06,330 --> 01:17:10,676 her grimy face set in a kind of resigned satisfaction. 1137 01:17:11,544 --> 01:17:15,014 Could we do that again? I'd like another go. 1138 01:17:15,297 --> 01:17:16,970 When you come back. 1139 01:17:17,049 --> 01:17:18,141 Ooh. 1140 01:17:44,201 --> 01:17:45,544 Here we go. 1141 01:17:57,423 --> 01:17:58,720 You smell lovely. 1142 01:17:59,550 --> 01:18:01,177 - You okay? - Yes. 1143 01:18:01,260 --> 01:18:02,261 Good. 1144 01:18:07,391 --> 01:18:09,735 There. Your M.O.T. 1145 01:18:20,571 --> 01:18:21,993 There you go. 1146 01:18:25,618 --> 01:18:27,541 Hello, Margaret. 1147 01:18:49,266 --> 01:18:52,941 Fourteen years? You must be a saint. 1148 01:18:53,771 --> 01:18:58,277 She's a difficult woman, my sister. Edith won't have her in the house. 1149 01:18:58,609 --> 01:19:01,112 I used to help her out when I could. 1150 01:19:01,612 --> 01:19:03,614 It's what Mother would have wanted. 1151 01:19:03,948 --> 01:19:06,121 I'm not a saint, just lazy. 1152 01:19:06,367 --> 01:19:08,711 - I know she was an ambulance driver. - Yes. 1153 01:19:09,119 --> 01:19:12,874 And she was a nun. Twice over. Till they got rid of her. 1154 01:19:14,667 --> 01:19:16,419 Tipped her over the edge. 1155 01:19:17,795 --> 01:19:20,639 She spent some time in an asylum. 1156 01:19:21,674 --> 01:19:22,971 Banstead. 1157 01:19:25,052 --> 01:19:26,395 Which was my fault. 1158 01:19:26,804 --> 01:19:27,976 No. 1159 01:19:28,055 --> 01:19:29,682 Mind you, she's a difficult woman. 1160 01:19:30,307 --> 01:19:31,479 Such a bully. 1161 01:19:32,309 --> 01:19:34,653 Did she bully you? She bullies me. 1162 01:19:34,812 --> 01:19:36,655 Well, I had her put away. 1163 01:19:37,481 --> 01:19:39,154 Incarcerated. 1164 01:19:40,317 --> 01:19:42,661 Sectioned is what you'd call it today. 1165 01:19:43,153 --> 01:19:44,673 Mind you, she got away from them, too. 1166 01:19:44,780 --> 01:19:47,454 - Oh! - Gave them the slip, ended up in the van. 1167 01:19:49,326 --> 01:19:52,330 Does she still play? Piano? 1168 01:19:52,913 --> 01:19:54,165 No. 1169 01:19:55,040 --> 01:19:56,166 Oh. 1170 01:19:57,334 --> 01:19:58,927 That is sad. 1171 01:20:00,713 --> 01:20:02,306 Have you heard of Cor-tot? 1172 01:20:02,423 --> 01:20:05,893 Alfred Cortot, the virtuoso pianist? 1173 01:20:08,053 --> 01:20:09,179 Yes. 1174 01:20:09,263 --> 01:20:12,187 Margaret was his pupil. 1175 01:20:13,058 --> 01:20:15,902 Yeah, she had to go over to Paris for lessons. 1176 01:20:16,228 --> 01:20:18,105 It wasn't easy in those days. 1177 01:20:18,355 --> 01:20:23,031 And practice. Oh. My word, she used to practice all daylong. 1178 01:20:23,527 --> 01:20:26,030 Well, the nuns put a stop to that. 1179 01:20:27,197 --> 01:20:29,199 Test of obedience. 1180 01:20:30,117 --> 01:20:36,045 I was a vet in Africa, and when I came back, the music was out. Finished. 1181 01:20:39,543 --> 01:20:42,137 Practicing had become praying. 1182 01:20:45,174 --> 01:20:46,266 Hmm. 1183 01:20:54,475 --> 01:20:56,477 Played at the Proms once. 1184 01:25:28,999 --> 01:25:30,342 Miss Shepherd? 1185 01:25:39,009 --> 01:25:40,431 Miss Shepherd? 1186 01:25:48,602 --> 01:25:50,604 I just tried to visit you. 1187 01:25:54,024 --> 01:25:56,026 I wasn't stopping there. 1188 01:25:56,360 --> 01:26:01,207 A woman said my face rang a bell. Was I ever in Banstead? 1189 01:26:01,698 --> 01:26:03,871 And she would not stop. 1190 01:26:04,201 --> 01:26:06,454 They gave me some mince and she said, 1191 01:26:06,703 --> 01:26:10,003 "You'll find the mince here a step up from the mince in Banstead." 1192 01:26:10,082 --> 01:26:11,675 I don't know about the... 1193 01:26:12,125 --> 01:26:15,755 The mince in Banstead, or anywhere else, for that matter. 1194 01:26:15,879 --> 01:26:18,473 That's just where they put people when they're not right. 1195 01:26:19,299 --> 01:26:21,301 Well, you look nice and clean. 1196 01:26:21,802 --> 01:26:24,305 Yeah, well, that'll be the bath. 1197 01:26:24,763 --> 01:26:26,561 They let me do it myself. 1198 01:26:26,640 --> 01:26:30,690 The nurse came and gave me some finishing touches. 1199 01:26:31,436 --> 01:26:33,655 She said I'd come up a treat. 1200 01:26:36,400 --> 01:26:37,868 I bought you these. 1201 01:26:38,360 --> 01:26:39,657 Flowers? 1202 01:26:40,654 --> 01:26:42,952 What do I want with flowers? 1203 01:26:43,699 --> 01:26:45,451 They... They only die. 1204 01:26:46,993 --> 01:26:50,122 I've got enough on my plate without flowers. 1205 01:26:50,831 --> 01:26:52,959 Why, you won't often have been given flowers. 1206 01:26:55,544 --> 01:26:56,966 Who says'? 1207 01:27:00,173 --> 01:27:03,598 I've had bigger flowers than these. 1208 01:27:04,594 --> 01:27:06,517 And with ribbons on. 1209 01:27:07,806 --> 01:27:09,353 These don't compare. 1210 01:27:13,353 --> 01:27:14,775 Music. 1211 01:27:20,819 --> 01:27:24,574 How are people supposed to avoid it? 1212 01:27:26,658 --> 01:27:30,379 You see, I had it at my fingertips. 1213 01:27:31,788 --> 01:27:34,291 I had it in my bones. 1214 01:27:37,502 --> 01:27:39,504 I could play in the dark. 1215 01:27:41,339 --> 01:27:43,341 Had to sometimes. 1216 01:27:44,342 --> 01:27:46,344 And the keys were 1217 01:27:48,054 --> 01:27:49,681 like rooms. 1218 01:27:51,933 --> 01:27:55,312 C major and D minor. 1219 01:27:56,521 --> 01:28:00,071 Dark rooms and light rooms. 1220 01:28:02,486 --> 01:28:04,830 Just like a mansion 1221 01:28:06,281 --> 01:28:07,999 to me, music. 1222 01:28:10,827 --> 01:28:13,205 Only it worried me, 1223 01:28:13,580 --> 01:28:18,051 that playing came easier than praying. 1224 01:28:18,376 --> 01:28:19,673 And I... 1225 01:28:20,295 --> 01:28:23,720 I said this, which may have been an error. 1226 01:28:26,384 --> 01:28:28,057 Said it to whom? 1227 01:28:31,681 --> 01:28:33,308 My confessor. 1228 01:28:34,851 --> 01:28:36,194 He said 1229 01:28:36,978 --> 01:28:40,608 that was another vent the devil could creep through. 1230 01:28:43,401 --> 01:28:45,995 So, he outlawed the piano. 1231 01:28:46,321 --> 01:28:48,494 Put paid to music generally. 1232 01:28:51,368 --> 01:28:54,417 Said dividends would accrue in terms of 1233 01:28:55,622 --> 01:28:57,716 growth of the spirit. 1234 01:28:59,751 --> 01:29:02,095 Which they did. 1235 01:29:04,256 --> 01:29:05,599 They did. 1236 01:29:16,226 --> 01:29:17,648 How's your mother? 1237 01:29:19,771 --> 01:29:21,273 Oh. The same. 1238 01:29:21,606 --> 01:29:23,404 Still in the coma? 1239 01:29:23,483 --> 01:29:24,484 No. 1240 01:29:25,569 --> 01:29:28,368 She's just getting a bit of shut-eye. 1241 01:29:28,446 --> 01:29:29,914 People do. 1242 01:29:32,367 --> 01:29:33,789 Well, good night. 1243 01:29:33,869 --> 01:29:34,916 Mr Bennett? 1244 01:29:39,791 --> 01:29:41,589 Hold my hand. 1245 01:29:43,461 --> 01:29:45,304 It's clean. 1246 01:30:17,704 --> 01:30:20,924 So much of what this woman's life had been, 1247 01:30:20,999 --> 01:30:23,343 I found out only after her death. 1248 01:30:24,169 --> 01:30:27,844 So, to tell her story, I have occasionally had to invent, 1249 01:30:28,048 --> 01:30:30,927 though much of it one could not make up. 1250 01:30:31,426 --> 01:30:36,102 And I do not make it up when I say that it was on the morning after this talk, 1251 01:30:36,348 --> 01:30:39,192 when she lay in the van with her hair washed, 1252 01:30:39,601 --> 01:30:43,447 that on that same morning comes the social worker into the garden, 1253 01:30:43,521 --> 01:30:49,119 bearing clean clothes, linen and ointment and knocks on the door of the van. 1254 01:31:24,688 --> 01:31:26,861 It is a van no longer. 1255 01:31:27,232 --> 01:31:29,030 It is a sepulchre. 1256 01:31:31,903 --> 01:31:33,746 Can I use your phone? 1257 01:31:34,197 --> 01:31:36,040 Yes. Yes, of course. 1258 01:31:45,917 --> 01:31:50,047 Even now, I do not venture into this evil-smelling tomb. 1259 01:31:50,755 --> 01:31:55,852 But I feel cheated that the discovery of the body has not actually been mine 1260 01:31:56,136 --> 01:31:59,390 and that having observed so much for so long, 1261 01:31:59,848 --> 01:32:02,271 I am not the first to witness her death. 1262 01:32:03,685 --> 01:32:05,653 Now, in quick succession, 1263 01:32:05,854 --> 01:32:10,155 come the doctor, the priest and men from the undertaker's 1264 01:32:10,442 --> 01:32:14,788 all of whom do what no one else has done for 20 years. 1265 01:32:15,780 --> 01:32:18,533 Namely, without pause 1266 01:32:18,616 --> 01:32:23,497 and seemingly without distaste, step inside the van. 1267 01:32:25,707 --> 01:32:28,881 Lord grant her everlasting rest 1268 01:32:29,210 --> 01:32:32,589 and let perpetual light shine upon her. 1269 01:32:33,298 --> 01:32:36,643 Present her to God the Most High. 1270 01:32:44,309 --> 01:32:46,812 She's gone, then, the lady. 1271 01:32:48,313 --> 01:32:50,987 He'll know. She'll have told him. 1272 01:32:52,317 --> 01:32:54,820 Only they got to keep mum, vicars. 1273 01:32:55,236 --> 01:32:58,365 No helping the police with their enquiries. 1274 01:32:59,157 --> 01:33:01,000 Did you know she was on the run? 1275 01:33:01,076 --> 01:33:02,168 Miss Shepherd? 1276 01:33:02,827 --> 01:33:05,296 Miss whatever you call her, yeah. 1277 01:33:05,663 --> 01:33:07,757 Stationary at a junction, 1278 01:33:07,832 --> 01:33:09,209 a young lad on a motorbike 1279 01:33:09,292 --> 01:33:10,919 comes 'round a corner too fast... 1280 01:33:12,128 --> 01:33:14,347 And smashes into her vehicle. 1281 01:33:15,006 --> 01:33:16,553 Not her fault. 1282 01:33:16,674 --> 01:33:20,679 Only here's a dead boy on the road who she thinks she's killed. 1283 01:33:22,013 --> 01:33:25,108 Does she call the police? Flag down a fellow motorist? Oh, no. 1284 01:33:25,183 --> 01:33:26,981 She clears off pronto. 1285 01:33:27,268 --> 01:33:30,772 Thereby putting herself on the wrong side of the law. 1286 01:33:31,022 --> 01:33:33,150 So, you blackmailed her. 1287 01:33:33,525 --> 01:33:35,778 I'm a policeman, Mr Bennett. 1288 01:33:36,361 --> 01:33:39,615 Retired, of course. We don't do things like that. 1289 01:33:49,541 --> 01:33:52,545 Well, it's a cut above her previous vehicle. 1290 01:33:54,420 --> 01:33:57,515 All those years, stood on my doorstep, 1291 01:33:57,590 --> 01:33:59,388 she was outside the law. 1292 01:34:01,052 --> 01:34:04,431 A life, this is what I keep thinking, 1293 01:34:04,722 --> 01:34:08,192 a life beside which mine is just dull. 1294 01:34:17,902 --> 01:34:23,500 Left to my own thoughts at the graveside, one of the undertaker's men takes the eye. 1295 01:34:23,908 --> 01:34:28,379 Not an occupation one drifts into, I imagine, undertaking. 1296 01:34:29,205 --> 01:34:31,583 Mr Bennett. Excuse me. 1297 01:34:31,666 --> 01:34:34,590 I'm supposed to be the centerpiece here. 1298 01:34:34,794 --> 01:34:37,513 But I'm forgetting that the dead know everything. 1299 01:34:37,755 --> 01:34:42,761 You should be fighting back the tears, not eyeing up the talent. 1300 01:34:44,387 --> 01:34:45,604 Well, it's a thought. 1301 01:34:45,680 --> 01:34:46,977 She's dead now. 1302 01:34:47,056 --> 01:34:48,524 I can do what I want with her. 1303 01:34:48,600 --> 01:34:51,444 Yes, you can. I'm dead. Feel free! 1304 01:34:52,020 --> 01:34:53,272 Oh. Hello. 1305 01:34:53,688 --> 01:34:57,409 There are two of you now. Is that because you're in two minds? 1306 01:34:57,525 --> 01:34:58,526 - Yes. - No. 1307 01:34:58,776 --> 01:35:00,494 Where are you going, Miss Shepherd? 1308 01:35:01,279 --> 01:35:05,876 I was wondering, would either of you object if the van became a place of pilgrimage? 1309 01:35:05,950 --> 01:35:08,544 - No. - I'm getting rid of the van. The van is going. 1310 01:35:08,620 --> 01:35:12,466 Healing could take place, and any proceeds could go towards the nuns. 1311 01:35:12,540 --> 01:35:14,383 The nuns? What did the nuns ever do for you? 1312 01:35:14,459 --> 01:35:17,212 Well, not much, but when the donations start rolling in 1313 01:35:17,295 --> 01:35:19,969 they'll realise what a catch I would have been. 1314 01:35:20,048 --> 01:35:22,642 It was the same with Saint Bernadette. 1315 01:35:22,800 --> 01:35:26,100 They didn't realise with her until it was too late. 1316 01:35:27,555 --> 01:35:28,727 This way. 1317 01:35:28,806 --> 01:35:30,686 There's someone I want you to meet. 1318 01:35:31,976 --> 01:35:33,978 That's something you could do. 1319 01:35:34,062 --> 01:35:39,159 This thing you're trying to write, well, you could pump it up a bit. 1320 01:35:39,567 --> 01:35:41,786 If it were on the lines of The Song of Bernadette, 1321 01:35:41,861 --> 01:35:43,829 it would make you a packet. 1322 01:35:44,113 --> 01:35:47,242 I mean, why? Why did you just let me die? 1323 01:35:47,825 --> 01:35:50,248 I'd like to go up into heaven. 1324 01:35:50,662 --> 01:35:53,290 An ascension, possibly. 1325 01:35:53,665 --> 01:35:55,508 A transfiguration. 1326 01:35:55,708 --> 01:35:57,255 That's not really my kind of thing. 1327 01:35:57,335 --> 01:35:58,882 Oh. There you are. 1328 01:35:59,796 --> 01:36:01,514 This is my new friend. 1329 01:36:01,589 --> 01:36:02,932 - Hello. - Hello. 1330 01:36:03,007 --> 01:36:05,430 It's the young man who crashed into the van. 1331 01:36:05,510 --> 01:36:06,557 Hi. 1332 01:36:06,678 --> 01:36:08,521 I thought it was me that killed him. 1333 01:36:08,763 --> 01:36:10,936 Turns out it was his own fault. 1334 01:36:11,015 --> 01:36:14,940 So, one way and another, we've got heaps to talk about. 1335 01:36:15,728 --> 01:36:17,025 Goodbye. 1336 01:36:18,106 --> 01:36:19,323 Mr Bennett? 1337 01:36:19,399 --> 01:36:20,696 Yes. 1338 01:36:20,984 --> 01:36:23,988 I came into your drive for three months... 1339 01:36:25,196 --> 01:36:28,996 And I stayed for 15 years! 1340 01:36:29,242 --> 01:36:32,212 - Mr Bennett? - Yes? 1341 01:36:32,370 --> 01:36:35,044 - Do you know what that is? - No. 1342 01:36:35,707 --> 01:36:38,301 It's the last laugh. 1343 01:36:45,133 --> 01:36:48,057 Well, she wanted an ascension. 1344 01:36:50,221 --> 01:36:52,223 Let's answer her prayers. 1345 01:36:54,350 --> 01:36:57,524 Stand by, Miss Mary Teresa Shepherd, 1346 01:36:58,187 --> 01:37:00,656 late of 23 Gloucester Crescent. 1347 01:37:03,901 --> 01:37:05,278 UP You go. 1348 01:37:20,335 --> 01:37:23,589 Starting out as someone incidental to my life, 1349 01:37:24,422 --> 01:37:30,270 she remained on the edge of it so long, she became not incidental to it at all. 1350 01:37:30,928 --> 01:37:34,728 As home bound sons and daughters looking after their parents 1351 01:37:34,807 --> 01:37:39,313 think of it as just marking time before their lives start, 1352 01:37:39,937 --> 01:37:45,285 so, like them, I learned there is no such thing as marking time 1353 01:37:46,277 --> 01:37:48,496 and that time marks you. 1354 01:37:49,614 --> 01:37:53,790 In accommodating her and accommodating to her, 1355 01:37:53,868 --> 01:37:57,213 I find 20 years of my life has gone. 1356 01:38:00,291 --> 01:38:03,966 This broken-down old woman, her delusions, 1357 01:38:04,045 --> 01:38:09,142 and the slow abridgment of her life, with all its vehicular permutations, 1358 01:38:10,051 --> 01:38:12,975 these have been given to me to record 1359 01:38:13,137 --> 01:38:17,517 as others record journeys across Afghanistan or Patagonia 1360 01:38:18,893 --> 01:38:21,271 or the thighs of a dozen women. 1361 01:38:21,896 --> 01:38:24,490 You wanted me to make things happen. 1362 01:38:25,316 --> 01:38:29,662 And I never have much, but it doesn't matter. 1363 01:38:30,988 --> 01:38:33,491 Because what I've learnt, 1364 01:38:33,991 --> 01:38:39,043 and maybe she taught me, is that you don't put yourself into what you write. 1365 01:38:40,123 --> 01:38:41,796 You find yourself there. 1366 01:38:42,166 --> 01:38:43,918 I never wanted to write about her. 1367 01:38:44,001 --> 01:38:47,130 If there'd been a bit more in your life, I wouldn't have had to. 1368 01:38:48,673 --> 01:38:50,346 Maybe I will now. 1369 01:38:51,342 --> 01:38:52,468 What? 1370 01:38:53,678 --> 01:38:55,772 Have a bit more in my life. 1371 01:38:56,013 --> 01:38:57,981 I might even start living. 1372 01:38:58,057 --> 01:38:59,400 Good day? 1373 01:38:59,600 --> 01:39:01,147 Not bad. You? 1374 01:39:02,019 --> 01:39:03,396 Oh. These came. 1375 01:39:05,523 --> 01:39:06,866 Hmm. Very good. 1376 01:39:07,400 --> 01:39:09,448 - Coming down? - All right. 1377 01:39:10,570 --> 01:39:12,743 That's the end of the story. 1378 01:39:13,364 --> 01:39:15,241 It might make a play. 1379 01:39:15,324 --> 01:39:16,871 What do you think? 1380 01:39:17,702 --> 01:39:20,956 Now I'm here, I think you should stop talking to yourself. 1381 01:39:36,929 --> 01:39:37,976 Hi. 1382 01:39:38,556 --> 01:39:39,899 Hi, Alan. 1383 01:39:40,641 --> 01:39:43,736 Okay, nice and quiet, please. Here we go. And let's turn over. 1384 01:39:45,354 --> 01:39:47,072 - B. - Mark it. 1385 01:39:47,398 --> 01:39:48,741 Okay, take 14. 1386 01:39:51,235 --> 01:39:52,862 And, action! 1387 01:39:53,946 --> 01:39:57,541 Gloucester Crescent has had many notable residents, 1388 01:39:57,617 --> 01:40:02,498 but none odder or more remarkable than Miss Mary Shepherd, 1389 01:40:02,580 --> 01:40:06,255 to whom we dedicate this blue plaque today.