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...some Dutch, some Indians and some beads.
And those beads led to steamboats and skyscrapers...
...Wall Street and electric lights...
...newspapers, Ellis Island, the Yankees...
...Central Park and the first World's Fair...
...Broadway, the Chrysler Building and Studio 54.
I like to think of that as New York City B.C.:
Before Carrie.
Hi, guys.
I arrived on this island at exactly 3:30 p.m...
...on Tuesday, June 11th, 1986.
Oh. Oh!
Cab! Cab, cab, cab! Taxi! Ca--!
It seems like only yesterday.
Taxi!
Thank you.
The very next year, I met Charlotte.
We were on a subway car at 2 a.m. when a homeless man dropped his pants.
Miranda and I met in 1989 at Bloomingdale's.
I was working in the dress department.
She was crying in the changing room.
-Hey. -Hey.
Hi. How are you?
I met Samantha when she was bartending at CBGB's.
-Bite me! -My place or yours?
-Hi. -How are you?
Let's go.
Hi.
Ready?
Time is a funny thing.
A decade can flash by in an uneventful second.
And then, in just two years, monumental things can happen.
Things you couldn't imagine happening in a million years.
Welcome to Bergdorf Goodman. May I help you?
Yes, our friend is getting married.
-I never thought I'd see this day. -You and me both.
Hell just froze over.
-What's the name? -Oh, Blatch. It's Stanford Blatch.
Actually, I think they're registered under both names.
Her best gay friend is marrying my best gay friend.
-That's wonderful. -I know.
-Let me get the registry. -Thanks.
How did this even happen? I thought they hated each other.
It's like musical chairs. The music stopped and they were the last two left standing.
When you thought everyone you knew was too old to get married, here come the gays.
And so, one weekend, we all gathered at a charming inn in Connecticut...
...where the view was breathtaking...
...and the wedding was legal.
How's my tie?
-How's my tie? -Wow.
You didn't tell me you were wearing that.
Well, I am the best man.
Oh, and you need a little help here.
So is a gay wedding shorter or longer than a straight wedding?
-Why? -Just wanna know what I'm in for.
Well, I think the marriage ceremony is about the same...
...but I have no idea how long the sacrificing of the straight men will take.
There you go.
Don't make me look too good. Gay wedding.
Will you please stop referring to this as a gay wedding?
Well, isn't it a gay wedding?
Well, yes, but it's not just a gay wedding.
It's Stanford and Anthony's wedding.
-Mm. Got it. -Mm-hm.
Whoops. Your fly is down.
Better let me. These things can be tricky.
You did not pull it up.
I have to be there in an hour. I'm the best man.
Then I better do my best.
Don't wanna be late to my first gay wedding.
This is not a gay wedding.
Wasting time talking.
Oh, come on, you're not gonna.
If ever I would leave you
It wouldn't be in summer
Seeing you in summer
Okay, it's a gay wedding.
Your hair streaked with sunlight
Hey.
-Hey. -Hello.
-White enough? -This is what it looks like...
...when you stare directly into the sun.
Well, I think it's beautiful.
Oh, this wedding is way more than beautiful.
It's Lady Di.
-Mommy, can I go look at the swans? CHARLOTTE: Yes, honey.
Sure, baby. Stay where we can see you, okay?
-Right there. LILY: Hi, swans.
CHARLOTTE: Oh, there's Samantha. Hey. -You brought your dog?
It's a gay wedding. I figured, what's one more little bitch with an attitude?
You guys, shouldn't we be a little bit more PC?
ANTHONY: Char!
Anthony! Hey.
Can you believe this place?
It looks like the Snow Queen exploded.
-How's that for PC? -True.
So you're not the wedding planner?
Hell to the no. I pulled out when Stanford mentioned swans.
Finally, I just threw up my arms, whatever he wants, give it to him.
Aw.
Yep, Stanford gets the wedding of his dreams and I get to cheat.
And don't give me that face, Char.
Just because I'm getting married doesn't mean I have to change who I am.
So you're allowed to cheat because you're gay?
No, because I'm Italian.
Carrie, Stanford's looking for you.
Cute hat.
Anthony. -Coming.
I don't get it. Why get married if you're gonna cheat?
Well, he didn't say he was going to cheat, he just said he was allowed to cheat.
Is that how you heard it?
-Well, it's not really any of our business. -Except, he told us.
I'm just saying, I think every couple has the right to make their own rules.
Well, not really. It's marriage.
-Hey, who wants a cocktail? -Oh, I do.
And see if they have any food. I need a little nosh.
Eight years later, she's finally a Jew.
There were bells on a hill
Oh, Stanny. You're wearing white.
Like a virgin.
Touched for the very first time.
Hi.
So, what do you think of everything?
You have swans.
-Too much? -When are swans ever too much?
I don't know what came over me.
Remember that summer when I got hooked on coke?
-Mm. -This was like that.
Well, you dropped quite a bundle.
Well, I've been saving for this day since I was 19.
You always knew you were gonna get married?
Yes. I just thought it would be to a chubby, patient Jewish girl.
FYI, Anthony's out there telling people he's allowed to cheat.
I know.
He hates the tradition so he pushes against it.
So he is allowed to cheat?
Yes, but only in the 45 states where we're not legally married.
Okay, now you do mine.
"Carrie Preston"?
What?
Nothing, I'm just surprised not to be "Bradshaw" at your wedding.
The wedding planner said that couples are always listed under their married names.
Oh, that makes sense.
Are you taking Anthony's name?
No. We're guys.
"Guys"? Have you seen yourself in the mirror, Lady Dior?
Bitch.
-Hey, did anybody send up my, um--? -Oh.
Now, the boutonniere may say "Preston."
But the hat...
...says "Bradshaw."
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly flow the days
Seedlings turn overnight To sunflowers
Blossoming even as we gaze
Sunrise, sunset
Who's that hot straight guy with Carrie?
-That's Anthony's brother, Nicky. -How can you tell that he's straight?
It's a gift.
Could this wedding get any gayer?
Look who's marrying them.
Oh, my--
Sunrise, sunset
Why would Liza say yes to this?
It's a law of physics.
Any time there's this much gay energy in one room, Liza manifests.
Another
Laden with happiness
And tears
A little while later, it was time for Stanford and Anthony to exchange vows.
And now, the brooms have written their own v-- "Brooms"?
Bride, groom. Broom.
Oh, broom. Oh, that's marvelous.
Thank you, Liza Minnelli.
Quiet, now.
Weddings are serious.
At least that's what I've heard.
"It was not exactly love at first sight.
But it turns out, it was love.
You are the first man to accept me...
...for the man that I actually am."
That's the thing about tradition.
Like it or not, it sneaks in.
Mazeltov!
Congratulations.
All the single ladies -All the single ladies
-All the single ladies
All the single ladies Now put your hands up
Up in the club We just broke up
I'm doing my own little thing
You decided to dip But now you wanna trip
'Cause another guy noticed me
I'm up on him He's up on me
Don't pay him any attention
Cried my tears Three good years
Can't be mad at me
'Cause if you liked it Then you should've put a ring on it
If you liked it Then you should've put a ring on it
Don't be mad Once you see that he wants it
If you liked it Then you should've put a ring on it
Whoa, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Whoa, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh
Whoa, oh Oh, oh, oh
Don't treat me to the things Of the world
I'm not that kind of girl
Hey. How's everything?
Fine. Rose is giving her a hard time.
Should I go up to the room?
What was the point of bringing the nanny out here, then?
-Is everything okay? -Yeah, Rose is just driving us a little crazy.
No, not crazy. She's just a little fussy. Everything's fine.
If you don't you'll be alone
And like a ghost I'll be gone
If you liked it Then you should've put a ring on it
Don't be mad Once you see that he wants it
If you liked it Then you should've put a ring on it
Don't be mad Once you see that he wants it
If you liked it Then you should've put a ring
Oh, ohh, ohhhh
Good luck.
Now I know why we got married.
So we wouldn't have to dance to that song at weddings.
That the only reason?
Yeah.
-I have to try on your crown. -Oh, you have to.
I'm sorry.
-Hey, I'm kissing here. -I have to. It's from him.
It's Saturday. You're at a wedding.
Did I mention that he hates me?
Who would dare hate you?
The new senior law partner at her firm. He rides her ass nonstop.
Yeah. Yeah! -Yeah!
Yeah! -Yeah!
-Yeah!
-What the--?
-Yeah. - Yeah.
-Yeah.
Rose, come on, now. Come on, now. Sleepy time.
Rose. Come on.
Rose, Rose, Rose.
-Please? -Good. Good. Here?
Let's go sleepy.
Please, Rose?
Come on, come on.
-Yeah! - Yeah!
-Yeah! -Yeah!
- Yeah! -Yeah!
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
-I don't know which is worse. -Samantha.
The baby will tire eventually.
Let's get a little white noise.
Right from your home. Amnesty International.
Visit any location. Lumber Liquid--
Where do you want to--?
-Jackpot. Do you mind if I try?
A little black-and-white noise.
It Happened One Night.
Never seen it.
Well, kid, you are in for a treat.
Climb up in here.
What are you gonna do?
A system all my own.
Oh, that's shocking.
For the '30s, it was.
Did you see it when it opened originally?
Aren't you going to give me a little credit?
She's pretty.
She's got nothing on you.
There Big and I were...
...somewhere between wild sex and a baby.
-Hey, you. -Hey, how are you?
Hi, guys. MAN 2: How are you?
Thanks.
-Ready to order? -Um, I think we'll wait for our friend.
Okay. Yup. -Thanks.
Okay. Yeah, that sounds great. Yeah. -That's a whole lot of health.
-How many are there? -Forty-four.
I'm on the one-a-day Fruity Pebbles plan.
Women our age shouldn't joke about vitamins.
Women who are not our age shouldn't say "women our age."
-Yeah. -Well, one day very soon you will thank me.
I am leading the way through the menopause maze.
With my vitamins, my melatonin sleep patches, my bioidentical estrogen cream...
...progesterone cream, a touch of testosterone--
-She's the hormone whisperer. -I am.
I've tricked my body into thinking it's younger.
I've tricked my body into thinking it's thinner. Spanx.
And I'm telling you, no hot flashes, no mood swings...
...and my sex drive, it's right back to where it was.
-Really? Hadn't heard. -Where are you getting your information?
From Suzanne Somers and her team of doctors.
I'll get you a copy. It's a revelation.
You're taking medical advice from the woman who invented the ThighMaster?
Damn right. Have you seen my thighs?
Okay, go ahead, laugh. It's working.
By the time you ladies are 50, I'll be 35.
Take Mommy's hand. -Oh, here she is.
I thought it was just gonna be the four of us.
Don't worry, the nanny will be here.
Harry's just not back from playing golf.
Oh, here.
Let me hold that pretty little morning Rose.
No. No. -Okay, no sale.
She just learned the word "no."
Good for her. We're hoping Samantha learns it one of these days.
-Terrible twos. -She's not terrible.
No, of course, she's not terrible. The terrible twos are terrible.
Right.
She's in the "I only want Mommy" phase.
And me and Erin.
That's right. Just you and me and Erin.
-Who's Erin? -Her nanny.
How are you gonna swallow all those?
Have we met?
Erin!
-Good morning, ladies. -Morning.
I hear it was quite the glorious wedding.
It was.
Oh, and you must be the famous Samantha.
It's a pleasure to finally meet you.
Now, I know a little girl...
...who would just love to practice her cartwheels on the lawn.
Yay. - Yay.
Do you have the sunblock?
Come to me, you little pet.
There you go.
-Yes. -You have yourselves a lovely morning.
- You too. -Thanks, Erin.
-Oh, that is so sweet. -I know.
That's your nanny?
Yes, that's Erin.
You mean Erin Go Braless.
Ha, ha. She doesn't wear a bra.
-Was she wearing a bra at the job interview? -I don't know.
I was too busy thinking about her degree in Children's Education...
-...and how much the girls liked her. -Her tits never came up?
No, her tits never came up.
-And she's amazing. SAMANTHA: Well, I'm sure she is.
But, honey, there ought to be a law against hiring a nanny that looks like that.
Yeah, the Jude Law.
: Are we ready? -Yes, I think so.
One, two, three! -Yeah, go!
That's a good girl! One more time!
It seems it wasn't only the children that were captivated by Charlotte's Irish nanny...
...and her lucky charms.
And later that day, Big and I arrived home.
-Hot in here. - Yeah.
I'll get the air in the bedroom.
-You get the living room. -Okay.
After Big and I sold the extravagant rooftop penthouse...
...we thought we were meant to live in...
...we decided that maybe we needed to come a little more down to earth.
So we did.
Twelve floors, to be exact.
We may be closer to earth...
...but we kept a little bit of heaven.
We've got excellent panels, some of the best blinds....
It's 4:30. Where should I make reservations? Any cravings?
Don't we have anything to eat here?
Nothing?
Come on. You knew when you married me I was more Coco Chanel than coq au vin.
Let's just order in.
We ordered in two nights last week.
Well, we've been out all weekend.
Let's just stay home.
Okay.
-That couch is good, right? -Mm-hm.
Worth the year and a half wait.
All we need is a piece for that corner and we're done.
You did good, kid.
You know you have your shoes on the couch, right?
Year and a half, I'm just saying.
-That must be the rest of the luggage. -Oh, good.
For a minute I thought it might be the shoe police.
And a few mornings later, in a different home....
Why bring rat into New York house?
So Brady can win the second grade science fair. Right, B-boy?
Yeah, I'm gonna win.
-Sit down, please, have some breakfast. -I can't.
I have this presentation and I'm sick to my stomach.
I used to love going to work and now I'm sick at the thought of it.
Here.
-Two bites. -Thanks, Magda.
You don't have to put yourself through this.
I'm a lawyer. That's who I am.
Life's too short. Go someplace where they appreciate you.
Until you find a better job, you can be home and help out around the house.
I've waited too long to get here.
I just have to suck it up.
Yeah.
Mom, you gonna come to the science fair today?
Sorry, honey, she can't. Mommy's-- -She has to go to work. Yeah.
We think that these new numbers show a much more optimistic upside for us.
And the savings that we found for the client...
...will easily make up for any escalated legal fees that they incur.
So it's win-win.
It's totally win-win, Tom. And what's more, based on--
Kevin, I'd like you to run with this from here on.
But it's Miranda's case.
Actually, it's the firm's case, and as senior partner, I'm--
Is there a problem?
I don't know. Is there?
Have something you'd like to say to me in private?
I don't know that it needs to be in private.
Okay, and we're all paying attention.
Honorable mention goes to Rachel for "What is Static Electricity?"
-Let's give her a big hand. -What...?
-I quit. -Good for you.
-You okay? -I'll get another job. A better job.
And I already called the headhunter. Where's Brady?
Now, our first prize goes to Brady for his Mouse Maze.
Hey, Mom, I won!
I made it.
I never make it.
Good work, Brady. -Good boy.
Your dolphin has got all the skills...
...and it's gonna have a little swim with the crab.
Yes, it is, baby girl.
Hey, cutie, come look. Now, what does this do here?
Look at this. Well, what is that gonna do?
There can be many tortured moments in the life of someone...
...who spends her days writing books.
The antidote to those moments...
...is the moment the finished book finally arrives.
-Hello? -Do I have anything to worry about?
-Can you be more specific? -I mean with the nanny and Harry.
That's just Samantha.
You're the one who said that thing about Jude Law.
Oh, sweetie, it was a joke. You know, it was right there, I had to go for it.
-And it was funny. -No, no, I really wish I hadn't said it.
-Look, Mommy. -Just a second, honey...
...I just have to finish these cupcakes for the party tomorrow, okay?
-Hey, wait, what was I saying? -Should you be threatened.
Did I say "threatened"?
Uh....
-Should I be threatened? -Look, Mommy, look.
Okay, honey. Let me just put Rose in her chair. Carrie?
I'm gonna put you down for a second.
I'm gonna put the baby down, I'll be right back.
-Ooh. -It's okay. It's okay, sweetheart.
-Oh, I know. LILY: Look, Mommy, look.
Oh, precious.
-Look at me. -It's okay.
Look. Look.
Okay, I'm listening.
Well, did you have any worries before the Samantha comment?
No, of course not.
I love Erin and I trust Harry.
I believe you just answered your own question.
Me, me, me!
Lily! This skirt is vintage.
-What skirt? -It's the cream Valentino.
Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry.
I've gotta go!
Lily, look at what you did!
Mommy just has to get something, okay?
Mommy.
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.
Mommy will be out in a minute.
LILY: Mommy, Mommy.
Mommy.
I was just getting more sprinkles.
Girls.
Let's go and play in my bedroom.
Mommy needs some cooking time.
Charlotte was thankful to have Erin come home at that moment.
Threat or no threat.
Bra or no bra.
Good. Come on, darling.
And from no bra on the Upper East Side...
...to no panties in Times Square.
It's 12 and your lunch is at 12:30.
I'm just freshening up.
Call the restaurant and tell them I'm going to be 15 minutes late.
Samantha Jones.
Smith Jerrod's on the phone.
Refresh my memory.
-How do we know each other again? SMITH: You used to do my publicity.
Doesn't ring a bell.
You used to do me.
Oh, ding, ding ding.
How's L.A.?
I'm in Abu Dhabi.
You're back in the Middle East?
Yeah. We're shooting the poster for the movie I made here.
And I just found out that we're premiering in New York.
I'm calling because I want you on that red carpet next to me.
Smith.
-You do? -Hell, yeah.
My career never would've happened without you.
Who else would I take to my big night?
That is so sweet.
Oh. Honey? I gotta go.
I'm pulling up my panties to get to a lunch date.
Not to brag...
...but did I make us a delicious anniversary meal?
It was delicious.
And you did brag.
Oops.
You have a little osso buco right...
...there.
See, that's one of the perks of eating at home. You get to kiss the cook.
And no tipping.
-More wine? -Yes, please.
Happy anniversary.
-Now? -Yes, now.
Before I'm lulled into a coma by your light Milanese fare.
-Very nice. -It's vintage. It's from 1968.
Very, very nice.
And it's engraved.
"Me and you.
Just us two."
Your gift is in the bedroom.
There better be something in there I haven't already seen.
Well, I've seen the desk.
But you haven't seen what's in the desk.
A state-of-the-art flat-screen.
And when bedtime comes, take them in your arms...
-And.... -...into your dreams.
WowWee Alive comes in pups. Each sold separately from WowWee.
So we can lay in bed and watch old black-and-white movies.
The only word I heard in that sentence was "old."
Come on. You remember how nice it was...
...at the hotel watching It Happened One Night.
Yes. And it was nice because it only happened one night in a hotel.
Did I fuck up?
Well, a piece of jewelry would've been nice.
Oh.
Can you get me and Big invited to Smith's premiere?
-Oh, yeah, sure. -Good.
I think we need some glamour.
You know, the television and the ordering in...
...it's just getting a little too "Mr. and Mrs. Married."
-You'll have a good time. -Yeah. Ooh.
Look at that.
Very nice.
It is a fabulous dress for the premiere.
What's the worst thing they could say about me in this dress?
Uh....
-"Who the hell does she think she is?" -Just went to the top of my list.
So, um, you and Smith.
You're going to this premiere together as...?
Oh, honey, just friends. But I may throw him a fuck if I like the movie.
Oh, that's nice. That should take the edge off the reviews.
Carrie. I haven't seen you here in forever.
Yeah, I know. I've been cheating on fashion with furniture.
-So, what can I help you with? -Well, we need to find a red-carpet look...
-...for my friend Samantha. -And I think we found it.
Is that maybe a little young?
I don't know.
Exactly how old do you think I am?
And not that it matters...
...but I am 50-fucking-2 and I will rock this dress.
I'll get you a changing room.
How's the writing going? Still working for Vogue?
-Freelance. -Oh, that's fabulous.
You had to do that to her?
Well, how else is she gonna learn?
And speaking of Vogue...
...they want you to write a piece to accompany the release of your book.
Oh, great. Has there been any long-lead press reaction to the book yet?
Not yet, but I'm sure it'll all be fabulous.
Is that you?
I hope so.
-Who else has a key? -The Gristedes delivery boy.
Really?
Well, you know, you want food at home, that's a risk you take.
Don't get too comfortable on that couch. We have to be at the premiere in an hour.
-Is that tonight? -Mm-hm.
-On a Monday? -Yes.
We don't go out on Mondays.
Well, first of all, I didn't know we didn't...
...and second of all, problem?
The market fell a hundred points...
...and now I have to get dressed up and go to some Hollywood thing?
All you have to do is put on a fresh shirt.
Can't you go without me?
I don't wanna go without you. I wanna go with you.
That's the point.
Me and you out on the town.
I've been out on the town for 30 years.
I've seen the town, kid.
You go have fun with your friends.
But I wanna spend time with you.
Oh, well, if you wanna spend time with me, we'll stay here.
At our home. Which you made so perfect.
You just don't want to get your ass off the couch.
All right, fine. Stay.
I'll go with Stanford.
Okay.
Information. What is it...?
What's that?
Oh, I picked up some dinner from that new Japanese place on Madison.
--before their acquisition changed history, before the merger, certainty...
...before action, knowledge. Thomson Reuters.
Throw this back. We're going.
-I thought you just said-- -I changed my mind.
Do you really want to be pushed and shoved in a crowd and eat bad catered food?
Yes. Yes. I'm dying to be pushed and shoved in a crowd...
...and eat bad catered food.
I'm dying to eat anything that doesn't come in a takeout box.
Bottoms up.
I'll put out a fresh shirt.
MAN: Fans on the right, take models to the left.
I think we're a little overdressed, don't you?
Please walk off the red carpet.
Oh, we're VIPs. See?
Show your bracelets.
Show your bracelet.
Smith! Right here!
-One more. MAN 1: One more.
Samantha looks smoking hot.
Is that dress maybe a little young?
Miley! - Miley!
-Miley! -Maybe.
Mother of God.
She's wearing the same dress as teen queen Miley Cyrus.
I know what's gonna happen, but I can't look away.
It's a red-carpet Hindenburg.
- Right this way, Miley! -Over here!
Awkward times two.
Miley! Miley, is that your mother?
Miley! Miley, right here! Miley!
Sometimes, a girlfriend is a girl you've never even met.
Great dress.
Thanks for saying that.
And all is right in Hollywood.
-Ooh. -Just got pushed.
In the VIP room at the after-party...
...Samantha found herself in the middle of the Middle East...
...seated directly across from the film's producer, Sheikh Khalid.
This is our first venture into the world film market...
...and we are honored to be represented...
...by such a magnificent American star as Smith Jerrod.
-Thank you. -Thanks.
But you should really be thanking Samantha.
I mean, it's all her. I was just a waiter before she came along.
She handled my public relations and made everybody see me as a star.
Is this true?
Well...
...yes.
Have you ever been to the United Arab Emirates?
No, and I could kick myself.
But friends of mine have been to Dubai and they say it is amazing.
Dubai is--
I am at a loss for the word in English.
Dubai is over.
-Really? -With all respect to my Emirate brother...
...Abu Dhabi is the future.
A progressive, global city of commerce, culture and...
...style.
-It is the new Middle East. -The new Middle East.
But you should see it for yourself. As my guest, at my new hotel.
And if it does not interfere too much with your wonderful time...
...we might be able to discuss some business.
-Business? -Perhaps you could make...
...America see my hotel as a star...
...as you did with Smith Jerrod.
And suddenly, it's all about the couch.
Two years ago, we never even uttered the word "couch."
And now, our entire universe revolves around it.
Count your blessings.
Remember when you couldn't even get him to sleep over?
Yeah, I know. I know.
We're out tonight. He could at least slap on a smile and have a good time.
Already had a nervous breakdown. No, believe me--
He seems to be having a good time now.
People think that Spaniards don't work...
...that we just take siestas and drink Rioja and go to the beach.
There was a jumbo shrimp free-for-all at the raw bar.
-I'm gonna be-- I'll be right back. -Okay.
Every night before bed, I am on my knees praying:
"Please, God, let it stay up."
-Please let what stay up? -Hi. The stock market.
-This is Carmen Garcia Carrion. -Carrion.
-Very good.
She is the Senior Vice President of the Bank of Madrid.
-Hi. - Hi.
-This is-- -Carrie Preston. Hi.
Oh, Carrie Preston. Nice to meet you. Your husband is very charming.
Isn't he?
So you were right about the catered food and the shoving.
So I'm ready to go whenever you are.
Oh.
-Well, nice to meet you both. -Nice to meet you.
I'll try to keep it up for you.
-You're so funny. He's very funny. -He is.
-Good night. -Good night.
Bye. Good night.
: Is that all you got?
I mean, all we're trying to do is just keep from getting dead.
Damn!
Since the very first Deadliest Catch cameras rolled seven seasons ago--
It's a little loud.
--the fleet has gone on more than 60 voyages.
And for the record, that is not a black-and-white movie.
What?
That was supposed to be for black-and-white movies...
...and that is not a black-and-white movie.
When the gay guy hit on me at the wedding you thought it was funny.
I'm not upset about the flirt.
I like the flirt. In fact, you could dial up the flirt around here a little more.
I get TV and take-out guy...
...and Bank of Madrid lady, she gets sparkle guy.
I'm sorry. Are we having a discussion or watching television?
What is it with you and this television?
I don't wanna be one of those couples...
...lying in bed, watching television and not talking.
That is not the relationship I signed up for.
It's a television, not the end of the world.
Well, maybe to you it's not.
The Bering Sea has many faces.
You're not happy in, and you're not happy out.
What does that mean?
Well, what do you want from me?
I put on the shirt, I went to the thing...
...and now you're hammering me about lying in bed and watching a little TV?
I mean, what is the problem?
Look...
...it's just going to be you and me...
...every night, for the rest of our lives.
And I think that we are going...
...to have to work on the sparkle...
...for the rest of our lives.
Sparkle.
Got it.
Listen to that!
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The last two years weren't exactly the best time...
...to put an apartment on the market.
So we didn't.
And from time to time, I'd come here to write.
Or to visit the clothes.
-Hello? -What time did you wake up?
I don't know, about 6.
I'm worried about the Vogue article, so I wanted to get started.
You haven't written over there in a while.
Yeah, I know. I know. I just--
I don't know, I thought it would be easier to work here. No distractions.
-Okay. -Anyway, it's due Thursday...
...and I'm not even sure what I'm writing yet, so, um....
Maybe I should just stay here until I get it done.
You're going to stay there?
Just two days. You know, just to bang it out.
-Is that all right? -Whatever you need.
-Everything okay? -Yeah.
No, I just feel like I really need to lock myself in a room...
...and not think about anything but writing.
Okay?
Okay.
-Just two days. Okay? -Okay.
-Bye.
Bye.
And I did think about nothing but writing.
Until the next day, when I could think about nothing but food.
And as long as I was going to break to eat anyway, I thought:
"Why not call the girls?"
One week in Abu Dhabi, all expenses paid.
I've always been fascinated by the Middle East. You know, desert moons...
...Scheherazade, magic carpets.
-Like Jasmine in Aladdin? -Yes, sweetie, just like Jasmine.
But with cocktails.
-It is exciting. When are you gonna go? -I don't know. When can you all be free?
You didn't think I was going without my gals.
-What? -I told the sheikh I'd go on one condition:
I'd get to bring my three best girlfriends.
-Get out of town. -My point exactly.
And we are being flown on the sheikh's own airline.
-He has his own airline? -Mm-hm.
-Oh, that is one chic sheikh. - Super, super, super first class.
And you get your own individual suite on the plane.
-Oh, my God. - All expenses paid for...
...everything for all of us. All we have to do is pick the week.
And the sooner, the better. I can hear the decadence calling.
Let me just check my work schedule. Yeah. All clear.
I gotta check with the old ball and chain, but I'm good to go. Middle East me.
Charlotte, how's three weeks from now?
Oh, I don't know. I--
We have to go this month. Next month, it gets so hot, you burst into flames.
I bet that's not on their website.
I mean, I don't know if I can go at all.
I have two children.
Yes, yes, but you have a husband.
And a full-time nanny. You said so yourself. The kids love the nanny, right?
-Yes, but-- - But what? What's the problem?
I mean, we haven't been anywhere together...
...since Carrie and Big's wedding blowup honeymoon disaster.
-Memories. -And that was two years ago.
Two years of bad business and this bullshit economy, and I'm done.
We need to go somewhere rich.
-Samantha, I appreciate the-- -No.
I go to children's birthday parties for you.
You are going to Abu Dhabi for me.
Children's birthday parties.
Pulling out the big guns.
-Okay. -Thank you.
Look at us. Going to Abu Dhabi.
-Hello. -How'd it go?
Just finished. And thanks for the time.
How soon can you be dressed for dinner? I have 9:00 reservations.
Well...
...it's 8:30 already.
I'm downstairs.
And just like that, it was 1998 again.
I'll be right down.
-Hey, kid. -Hey.
I missed you.
We had a wonderful dinner out.
And back at home...
...the television stayed off the entire night.
And pretty soon, the Middle East was upon us.
I need that.
-Almost packed? -One more to go.
I had an idea I wanted to talk to you about.
Remember when you took those two days away to finish your article...
-...and then we had that great night? -Mm-hm.
Maybe we should think about doing that every week.
Hear me out.
After you took those two days at your old apartment, I started thinking:
What if I got a place?
-You want your own apartment? -No, not my own apartment.
Just a place that I can go two days a week...
...lie around, watch television, do the shit I wanna do that bugs you.
And then the other five days...
...I'd be here and available for dinners and sparkle or whatever.
So you're telling me that you want two days off a week from our marriage.
And you'd have the same two days.
Oh, my God.
To work or see your friends.
Do the things you wanna do without me.
But I don't wanna do things without you.
Carrie, come on, I know you.
Can you honestly tell me you didn't enjoy those two days to yourself?
Two days, yes, but I don't need it every week.
Are you saying you need it every week?
I don't know, it was just an idea. Something to think about.
Marriage doesn't work like that.
I thought we were supposed to be making up our own rules.
So two days, then four days, then what, no days?
-Is that where this is heading? -I never would've brought it up if I thought...
...it was gonna make you think I want out. Look, I knew two years ago:
I am exactly where I wanna be.
Five days a week.
Look, I'm just trying to make it a little easier for us to live together.
I mean, we're married...
...but we're still us.
Is this because I'm a bitch wife who nags you?
I feel like I'm disappointing you all the time.
No, you're not disappointing me.
Well, something is.
So, what would I tell the girls? "Big and I are taking two days a week off...
...to make our marriage work better"? They'd never understand.
I don't care if they understand.
This is our marriage.
Me and you. Just like you said.
Carrie...
...we're adults without children.
We have the luxury to design our life.
Well, you can't get your own apartment.
That would freak me out and it's a waste of money.
You can have my old place two days a week.
Temporarily, till I figure out how I feel about this.
And I can take it back any time.
Deal.
-There's the car. -I'll get your bags.
Oh, yes, you will.
And in a week, I'll pick you up at the airport and take you home.
Whose home, yours or mine?
Ours.
-Welcome. -Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...we are pleased to welcome you onboard our flight to Abu Dhabi International Airport.
-Nice. -Hi.
Wow.
Welcome aboard Afdal Air.
Thank you.
Thank you. I love your hat.
Thank you.
And I thought mine was gonna be too much.
Oh, my God.
-This is bigger than my first apartment. -Hot towel?
And everything is so beautiful.
Just like I promised: the best of the best.
And look:
Arabic Pringles.
Okay, now I'm impressed.
-Date? -Would you care for a date?
Not on vacation five minutes and I already got a date.
Dates are the traditional welcome fruit of the Middle East.
I read that in one of these.
-Oh. You moving there? -I've got us covered. The dos and don'ts.
And speaking of don'ts...
...men and women do not embrace in public in the Middle East.
Eh, eh, eh! No, no, no. She's talking to you, sister.
Oh, please. We're going to the new Middle East.
And when I need a break from all the real information...
...I have this.
Let me see this.
Oh, listen. How exotic. I wonder what she's saying.
Probably telling us not to bring those magazines on a 13-hour plane ride...
-...with an impressionable woman. -Charlotte, honey, don't read that.
Sorry.
You see, it becomes a "Y" after a few drinks.
-I see. -Care for another round, ladies?
It means "yes."
Yeah, not the best word for her to learn.
How many times are you gonna read that?
Big and I are thinking about taking two days a week apart to do our own thing.
Is everything okay?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just something we're talking about.
You know, he would get two days off to do his things...
...and on those days, I would do my things.
You know, like write or have dinner with you guys...
...or I don't know, whatever.
Love it. I'm available.
Two days off? You make marriage sound like a job.
Well, it may not be a job, but it's work.
Well, would that mean that you would have two nights off too?
Mm-hm.
-Where would you sleep? -Well, he's gonna stay at my old place...
...and I'll stay at our new place.
I loved that time when Steve and I knew we were together...
...but we still had our own places. That was the best of both worlds.
I just think marriage is two people...
...night after night, sleeping in the same bed.
You have four people in your bed.
I've had four people in my bed.
No?
Well, ladies...
...I am going to slap on a patch of melatonin...
...and have a seven-star snooze.
-I will see you in the Middle East. -Night.
It means "good night."
I'm sorry.
Explain it again.
Just, what is it really about?
Big and I are just trying to make our own rules.
You know, figure out what works best for us as a couple...
...not what society says should work for us.
Okay. God.
Charlotte...
...we're adults with no children.
We have the luxury to design our own life.
But doesn't it hurt your feelings that he would want time off?
You just don't get it.
Somewhere over Africa...
...I began to wonder about relationships.
Can we really ever expect anyone on the outside...
...to understand what goes on between two other people?
Eight time zones and a change of clothes later, we arrived in the future.
Have any of you ladies ever been to the Middle East before?
No, we're all virgins.
Thank you.
Super, super, super gentle. Thank you, thank you.
I am sorry, but...
...do you have any drugs in your luggage?
No. Just my hormones.
You gotta be kidding me.
I am sorry. It is just a UAE law.
But they're all natural. They're made from yams.
Ladies, these are not drugs.
Okay, I need to speak to an ambassador or an embassy...
...or someone in menopause.
Samantha, please calm down.
-This is getting very, very Midnight Express. -Okay. Fine, take them.
Without those creams and vitamins, I will go ricocheting back into menopause.
-Relax, it's one week. -Tell that to the beard I'll be growing.
We've set your meeting with Sheikh Khalid for the end of your trip...
...after you and your friends have experienced...
...the best of what Abu Dhabi has to offer.
Which starts right now.
Yours for the entire trip.
Four new Maybachs.
Wow, do we need all four?
It is already arranged.
I'll be in my own private air conditioning.
I will be departing from you here. The hotel awaits your arrival.
If you need me for anything, please do not hesitate to ask.
Could you help me check and make sure...
...that my iPhone has the proper international code?
I think that we can find someone not so official to help with that.
-He offered. -Hey, what's the holdup?
We got a lot of Abu Dhabi to do.
Abu Dhabi do.
Welcome to Abu Dhabi.
-Thank you. -Pleasure.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
Miss Jones?
I am Mr. Safir, the hotel manager.
-I trust your flight was pleasant? -Like a magic carpet.
-How charming. For you. -Oh, thank you.
-Please, for you. -Thank you.
Please-- Oh, thank you.
This way, if you please, ladies.
How do we tip in Abu Dhabi?
Have you got any loose rubies?
We have many wonderful things planned for you at the hotel.
Oh. This is gorgeous. SAFIR: Thank you.
And, please, some Arabic coffee.
-Thank you. -Made with rose water and cumin.
That means "thank you."
-You speak Arabic? -Not yet.
Well, you're off to a great start.
It's different.
Not your cup of tea.
-What's with all the men? -Thank you.
Oh, the World Cup trials are here.
Wow.
-Did they also bring their balls? -Yes, they have many, many balls.
This way please, for your private elevator.
-We have a private elevator? -Apparently.
This can't be for us.
We must not be in the right place.
No, for once in my life, I can say without a shadow of a doubt...
...I am in the exact right place.
Who ordered the cute?
Welcome to the Jewel Suite.
-Who is Miss Jones? -I am.
We are thrilled to welcome you and your guests.
-Thank you. Abdul will be your butler...
-...Miss Jones. -Mm.
-Miss Bradshaw? -Oh, that's me.
-I am Gaurau. I will be here to serve you. -Thank you.
And Resir for Miss Hobbes.
It's "Hobbes."
I'm so very sorry.
No, it's--
It's not a big deal. It's fine.
And Adman for Miss York.
If you will, please, follow us.
-We each get our own butler? -Makes sense, we each get our own car.
Rotunda. Miss York, this way, if you will.
"York"? What happened to "Goldenblatt"?
-It's the Middle East. -It's the new Middle East.
It's the Middle East.
This is the den. Complete with its own private bar.
Ooh. Belly up, ladies.
There is also a private kitchen available for you day and night.
Dream come true.
In here, you will find your informal lounge.
Through there, the double boudoir.
-Roomies. -Roomies.
And in here, the formal salon.
And, ladies, out on the terrace...
...you have an overview of the entire grounds.
There's also a bar pool, five international restaurants, a spa...
...a fitness center, a nightclub...
...and, of course, the beach and beach clubs.
I've taken the liberty of arranging massages for you, followed by an early dinner.
Then you can have a good night's rest and wake up tomorrow fresh.
There's nothing I don't love about everything you just said.
Here is Abdul with drinks. If there is anything you need...
...please do not hesitate to ask. We are at your service.
MIRANDA: The robes are called abayas...
...and the veil that covers everything except the eyes is a niqab.
Certainly cuts back on the Botox bill.
"Women are required to dress in a way that does not attract sexual attention."
Samantha, you gotta....
We're at the hotel. It's a free zone.
Still. Out of respect.
Well, I gotta say, I am digging the sequin trim on the Real Housewife of Abu Dhabi.
What's up with that?
Younger Muslim women are embracing old traditions in new and personal ways.
CARRIE: Well, I could get into the head wrap...
...but the veil across the mouth, it freaks me out.
It's like they don't want them to have a voice.
Yeah, or hormones.
I cannot find one Internet hormone site that's not blocked.
At least you know your phone is working.
I can't get Harry to respond to any of my texts and it's not like him.
-But you called him when you arrived, right? -Yeah, but that was hours ago.
French fries for the lady with the veil.
How is she gonna do that?
A lift for every fry.
That is a major commitment to fried food.
What time is it in New York now?
Okay. Sweetie, you gotta stop.
-What do you mean? -You are obsessing...
...about something that is happening 6700 miles away...
...and you're missing the woman with the veil eating french fries at the next table.
Consider this an interfriendtion.
You have to stop obsessing about the nanny.
Well, it is all Samantha's fault.
I was perfectly happy and then she went and opened her big mouth.
Maybe we should get her a niqab.
Look, I warn you right now, don't come down on me.
With the jet lag and the no hormones...
...who knows what kind of mood swings I'm capable of.
I like the necklace.
Hi.
-Miss? -Ah!
Oh, God.
I'm so very sorry.
It's okay. I'm sorry. I didn't--
I didn't expect you to still be here.
You did not dismiss me.
Oh. I was supposed to do that?
Oh.
I'm sorry, Gaurau, I didn't know.
It is my pleasure. What can I do for you?
Nothing, I was just gonna warm some milk up, but you go, go home.
No, no, allow me, please. I insist.
I will bring it to you.
Oh, you don't have to. I'll wait.
If you will permit me, might I suggest a touch of cinnamon?
It is a secret learned from my wife.
Well, please apologize to your wife for my keeping you here all night.
It is fine. She is in India.
Oh.
I will see her in one month.
I'm afraid if I apologize then, it will hardly make sense.
So you work here and you travel back and forth?
Yes. Every three months, when I have a break in work and can afford the plane fare.
Isn’t that hard?
What, miss?
Just, you know, being married and spending all that time apart.
Time does not matter.
When we see each other, each time...
...it is very wonderful.
I'm a lucky man.
Okay, now I'm gonna try one of these little date confections.
I think my butler's gay.
-First, he's way too cute. -That's genetics.
I asked about his dating life and he said it was private.
That's appropriate.
When I asked how to pronounce his name he said:
"Abdul. Like Paula."
-And that's gay. -Yeah.
-Morning. -Morning.
-How'd you sleep?
All right.
-Samantha, what are you eating? -Mm. Hummus.
I read online that chickpeas are high in natural estrogen.
So are yams. Paula Abdul's getting me some later.
Is she here too?
Good morning, miss. What can we bring you for breakfast?
Just some fruit, please.
Thank you.
He is so nice. What's his name again?
Gaurau.
He's from India. His wife still lives there.
They only see each other once every three months when they can afford it.
And I asked him if that was hard for them and he said:
"Time doesn't matter."
That each time they see each other it's wonderful.
So, see, there are all kinds of marriages.
Who's up for a morning trip to the souk in Old Abu Dhabi?
What's a souk?
It's a market where you can buy gold, spices...
...textiles and souk things.
I'm in. One sip then souk.
Wow.
-Oh, it's so beautiful. -We'll be back in time for lunch.
-Thank you, Gaurau. -Thank you, Resir.
Got it.
You must not have a forbidden experience.
Oh, okay.
Men may approach you with black-market wristwatches.
If you engage them, they'll move you to a room and try to sell you items. It is illegal.
Other than that, you'll not have to worry. People here are very honest.
Driver.
Mm. Smells so good. -Yeah.
Ladies.
-Forbidden experience coming at you. -Ladies. Ladies.
-No, no. -Ladies.
No.
Oh.
And from the forbidden to the necessary.
I'll be going there.
Of course you will. I'm going back for more spices. I don't think I got enough.
Okay.
These are very pretty.
Do you speak English?
Yes.
May I try this? Thank you.
Let me just get them....
Oh, thank you.
So, yes, yes.
I'll take them.
Thank you.
So pretty.
Just....
Thank you.
So, for this, how much?
One hundred dirham.
-Twenty dollars? -Yes.
-For shoes? -Yes.
Okay, thank you.
That's 100. Thank you.
Oh, you know what, I'll just put the shoes in my purse.
Okay. I'm just gonna make room.
Is that the call to prayer?
Yes.
And there, in the middle of Old Abu Dhabi, was an old love.
-The guy hid them back there-- -Aidan.
This is the best mirage that I've ever had.
And I did some peyote once in Arizona that blew my head off.
Come here, you.
Is this allowed here?
What the--?
Abu Dhabi? What? You? Why?
Well, I heard about this amazing deal on shoes.
No, I'm here with the girls.
Yeah, Samantha worked us all in on her free PR trip.
And you? What...?
I'm on the third leg of a buying trip. Bali, India, here.
Yeah, I import rugs to sell with the furniture...
...and I'm talking like I don't know you. Come here again.
Holy moly.
You know, Miranda's here with me, so, I don't--
Shall we grab a kebab or a whatever?
Shoot. I have to eat lunch with my business partners.
And they don't cotton to the ladies at the lunches.
I knew I should've packed my burqa.
We're going to a different city after lunch. I'll be back tomorrow.
Can I take you out to dinner, just you and me?
Oh. Uh....
Well, I don't really know what the girls have planned.
You know, Miranda's got us scheduled pretty....
It's okay. Look, if you have the time...
...the locals say that the restaurant at my hotel has the best muhammara in town.
That's my international cell.
International cell.
Look at you, all grown-up.
I should get going.
They consider it rude to keep people waiting here.
Bye.
They also consider it rude not to call an old boyfriend for dinner.
Carrie!
How weird is this?
How did he look?
Like no time had gone by.
-Did you tell him you and Big got married? CARRIE: Yes.
Those were the first words out of my mouth.
"Hey, we're here in Abu Dhabi and I married that man you hated."
-Is he still married? -I have no idea.
Was he wearing a wedding ring?
I believe he was.
-Are you gonna have dinner with him? -We're here to spend time together.
-Just the four of us. -Right.
-Um, legs. -Miranda, I'm at the pool.
-What am I supposed to wear? -How about a burkini?
Yeah, they have them at the gift shop.
Forget about them.
Look.
Arriving at the pool, direct from a sweaty practice match:
The Australian rugby team.
Who ordered the Aussie sausage?
This is a disaster.
I have a whole pool of testosterone from down under...
...and I'm not feeling anything down under.
It's official. The estrogen has left the building.
Okay, I am pulling an interfriendtion.
If I can't talk anymore about Harry...
...then she can't talk anymore about hormones.
I can't eat any more yams.
Couldn't hurt.
Ladies, we came here to have fun together.
And I, being the type-A control freak that I am...
...have planned a full day and night of big Abu Dhabi fun.
I am gonna turn this interfriendtion...
...into an interfuntion.
Still nothing.
Thank you.
Thank you, Gaurau.
-Oh, my. -You said we were going to lunch.
We are. Camels, then lunch. It'll be fun.
Not to not be fun...
...but I'm not really dressed to get on a camel.
I've got that covered.
-What? -Gift of the hotel.
And don't worry, I had Abdul pick them out.
Serious?
-Care to change in the Bedouin tent? -Bedouin, Bath and Beyond.
Still nothing.
CARRIE: Thank you, Gaurau, yes.
-This is very exciting suddenly. -Help. Wait, wait. Help.
Heels. Sand. Hot.
-I'm having a hot flash. -You're fine.
Seriously, they're starting.
Look, you're on a camel in the middle of the desert.
If you're not having a hot flash, you're dead.
-What do you think? -This is fabulous.
There's my phone. Oh, my God. It's my phone.
Who's her long distance provider?
Hello, Harry? What have you been doing?
I woke you up? Harry, wait. You're going in and out.
Can you hear me now?
Harry?
Miranda, I'm falling!
Sir, she's falling!
Are you okay?
-Thank you. -It's okay.
Are you all right?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Oh.
Wow, you have an actual camel camel-toe.
Oh, it's not that funny.
She's having a little sand wedge.
Harry? Hi!
Harry, are you there? I just fell off a camel.
Thank you, sir.
Did you get my texts?
It is amazing how much food and clothing four butlers can fit into four Maybachs.
-Thanks. -Enjoy.
Gorgeous.
To Fouad and Marzouk and--
-Hatimi. -Hatimi.
-Yes. -Thank you.
My apologies, ladies, for disturbing your fun.
Gaurau, my friend, if you would do me the kindness of calling the hotel...
...telling them I'll be an hour or two late.
My pleasure, sir.
What's the sense in a boring business dinner...
...when you have sand dunes and sunset?
Am I right?
You all saw that, right?
Well, I sure did.
Who's Lawrence of Arabia?
He's a Danish architect who stays at the hotel each time he's in Abu Dhabi.
-Very nice man. -Very hot man.
Well, ladies, I am definitely feeling something down under.
-No, don't, don't. -And he's staying at our hotel.
Lawrence of my labia.
It feels like the first time
It feels like the very first time
It feels like the first time
It feels like the very first time
Karaoke in the U.S., tired.
Karaoke in the Middle East, fresh.
Now, why are those women allowed to show their bellies and chests?
Well, from my research, there's some kind of nightclub-belly-dancer loophole.
Oh, those clever religious men.
Oh, excuse me. I mean, marhaba.
Okay. Could we get another round of champagne?
-Okay. -Okay.
Shukran very much.
Another round? You are fun in Abu Dhabi.
-I'm fun in New York. -Not for the last two years.
Oh, really? You think I'm fun now? Just wait.
It feels like the very first time
Give it up, people.
Give it up, Abu Dhabi. He's working hard, hard, hard for you.
Next we have four girls from America.
Ladies, you have to come to the stage now, please, oh.
-Put your hands together. Let's go. -It'll be fun. It'll be fun. Come on, come on.
We are waiting for you, America.
What song did you pick? What if I don't know it?
-Trust me, you know the song. -Are those ours?
They're going to sing for us.
I am w--
-No, no, no. Not yet. -Wait for it.
Now. Now we come in.
I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much To go back and pretend
'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on that floor
And no one's ever gonna Keep me down again
No Yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I paid the price
But look how much I've gained
If I have to I can do anything
I am strong Strong
I am invincible Invincible
I am woman
-Pretty good, huh? -Yeah.
Everyone!
Standing toe to toe
As I spread my loving arms Across the land
I am still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand
Oh, yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I've gained
If I have to I can do anything
I am strong Strong
I am invincible Invincible
I am strong Strong
I am invincible Invincible
I am woman
Those are the American women. I heard them roar.
Oh, my goodness.
I am a woman
I got that table
-That was quite a performance. -Oh, you haven't seen anything yet.
Hello again. -Hi.
Allow me to properly introduce myself. My name is Rikard Spirt.
Rikard. Isn’t that "Richard"?
-In Danish, yes. -So your name is Dick Spirt?
Could you be any more American?
I don't think so.
Care to join me for a drink?
Oh, I can't tonight. It's girls' night out.
But I do have tomorrow free...
...all day and night.
Perhaps you'd be open for a late dinner.
I'd be open.
You're very funny...
...Samantha.
-Ladies. -Good night.
Wow.
I gotta hand it to you, Samantha.
Not blowing us off for a guy in your condition...
...very classy.
Well, we made a deal ages ago.
Men, babies, doesn't matter.
We're soul mates.
It was the perfect end to a perfect day.
-Good morning. -Good morning, miss.
-Where is everyone? -Oh, they're having breakfast on the terrace.
Is this Samantha's? May I?
As you wish.
Thanks.
"And on and on, one by one, she lampoons the traditional wedding vows."
Yeah. It's a satire.
And it's hilarious.
"Until the talented Bradshaw is better able to grasp the complexities of married life...
...she would be better advised...
...to explore the vow of silence."
Ugh!
And he would be better advised to go fuck himself.
God.
The New Yorker.
I have been carrying it around in my purse for 20 years.
And to make it worse, they turned me into a cartoon...
...and slapped tape across my mouth.
Take it as a compliment.
You have a strong female voice and this guy is intimidated.
You know, I'm just realizing, it wasn't my tone of voice that my boss didn't like.
It was the fact that I had a voice.
Men in the U.S. pretend they're comfortable with strong women...
...but really, a lot of them would prefer us eating french fries behind our veils.
-Word. -I should've just stuck to writing...
...about what I know: Being single.
But you're not.
No, I'm married, and Big wants two days off.
-I thought you both wanted-- -Charlotte.
Well, there'll be other reviews. Fabulous reviews.
No. But right now, I need you to go shopping.
We have to find me something for my date.
Something sexy that doesn't show my tits, arms or belly.
-I think I'm gonna take a walk. -What about our spa day?
I'm not in the mood. Not in the mood. But you guys go, have fun.
Okay, I'll see you later.
-You sure? -Yeah.
-We have dinner reservations at 8. -Yeah.
Miss?
I'm going out.
I don't know how she got ahold of it.
No more yams.
Is there anything you'd like to do, miss?
No, thank you.
I think I'm gonna walk ahead, by myself.
I walked along the Abu Dhabi beach.
I had never felt so far away from home.
Or from myself.
-Hi. -Hi.
We missed you at the spa. How was your day?
-It was good. -Wow, you look great.
I'm meeting Aidan for dinner.
Oh, okay. We'll change our reservation to 5, then.
No, we're okay with four. Samantha's got that late date.
Not necessary, because we're having dinner at his hotel.
At his hotel.
Yeah. There's a great Middle Eastern place there.
It has the best, I don't know, something.
-Why are you having dinner with him? -How can I not have dinner with him?
We bump into each other halfway around the world?
-I mean, it means something. -It doesn't mean anything.
Are you serious?
You have been saying that everything means something for the last 20 years.
But seeing Aidan at a spice souk in the Middle East means nothing.
I think you're playing with fire.
Oh, my God. Now I'm playing with fire? All right, you've gone crazy.
Seriously, you're crazy in Abu Dhabi.
Just because you're worried about your marriage, everyone's gonna cheat.
Have a good time at dinner.
You okay?
Yeah. I'm just really, really tired. I'm gonna take a nap.
Take a nice, long nap.
And then I'll buy you a drink. How's 9 sound?
-Okay. -Okay.
Hi.
Miss Hobbes.
I thought, "Why go to a bar when we have a bar?"
Thank you.
Thank you, Resir. You can go.
How was your nap?
I slept hard.
You needed it. Being a mother kicks your ass.
Yes, but the benefits make it worth it.
Okay.
-We're 6700 miles away from everyone. -Mm-hm.
-You can say it to me. I'm a mother too. -Say what?
All the things you're thinking, but you won't allow yourself to say out loud.
Okay. I'll go first.
As much as I love Brady...
...and I do love him more than words...
...being a mother is not enough.
I miss my job.
You're not gonna leave me hanging out feeling like the worst mother, are you?
Okay.
Well....
-I love my girls. -I know that.
But...
...I have enjoyed not having them around.
-I needed a break. -Yes, you did.
Rose cries all day, every day.
It's driving me crazy.
I have been watching you. I don't know how you're doing it.
Sometimes I go in the other room and I close the door...
...and I just let her scream. Isn’t that awful?
No, that's survival. Take a sip.
And can I tell you something else?
I feel guilty.
I feel so guilty, because all I ever prayed for was to have a family.
And now I have these two beautiful girls.
And?
-They're driving me crazy. -Take a sip.
And I feel like I'm failing.
I just feel like I'm failing all the time.
You're not failing.
Being a mother is hard.
Oh, my God. It is so hard.
And I have full-time help.
How do the women without help do it?
I have no fucking idea.
-To them. -To them.
And when I--
Oh, no, I can't. I can't. It's awful.
Sip.
Go.
When I heard Samantha say...
...that Harry was gonna cheat on me with Erin--
Yeah.
--my first thought was:
"I can't lose the nanny."
We really should eat something.
I'm happy for you. For both of you.
Thank you.
That means a lot.
I have a confession to make.
I already knew you were married.
You let me go through all that?
Yeah, my wife showed me something on the internet.
You know, she always kind of kept one eye on you, the one that got away.
How is Kathy?
She's great. She's really amazing.
Her fabric business is through the roof, even with the three boys.
-Oh, my God. Three? -Yeah.
Homer, Wyatt and Tate.
Sounds like a country-music band.
Here's hoping.
Tate.
Wow. Aidan, they're amazing.
Yeah, they're good boys.
We're really lucky.
What about you?
Not in the cards?
I don't know.
We've talked about it a lot and both love kids, but...
...that's not who we are.
Yeah, doesn't surprise me. You're anything but traditional.
I learned that when I tried to get you to wear a ring.
Exactly. And see? Still:
No diamond.
-And I'm married. -Man...
...that was my big mistake. Trying to get a rock on you.
You're not like other women.
Man, are you not.
Fuck, you look good.
You look hot. I'm sorry, but you do.
Did you enjoy...
...the muhammara?
That is the best muhammara I've ever had.
There's seven arches.
One to represent each of the different Arab Emirates.
I memorize a different state every time I come. I'm up to four now.
I got Abu Dhabi, Ajman...
...Dubai and, um, hold on....
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
-Oh, fuck. -Yeah, I should go.
I'm going. Bye.
Is this the way?
-How was your dinner, miss? -Yeah.
-I kissed Aidan. -I knew it.
I know you knew it.
I played with fire.
I'm so mad at myself. Is Samantha still here? I need everybody.
She's getting ready for her date.
Samantha!
In here.
I kissed Aidan. I'm freaking out. I need to talk.
I'm coming right out.
Paula, I need a towel.
One minute, he was naming the Arab Emirates...
...and then, all of a sudden, we kissed.
-Did he kiss you? Or did you kiss him? -No, both. Both equally guilty.
-Yeah, I wanna call Big and tell him. -Let's just calm down for a second.
No, really. I don't want the secret. The secret to me makes it much worse.
So the sooner I tell him, the quicker, the less damage it will do.
I mean, we're eight hours ahead of New York. This is the future.
It hasn't really even happened there yet.
Well, now I'm crazy in Abu Dhabi.
So, what do you think? Should I call him?
I don't know.
I'm a little drunk.
When Steve told me he cheated on me, I was devastated.
But now that I know it was only that one time....
-Yeah? -Was the pain worth it?
-I don't know. -Yeah. I don't know.
Let's get something straight here.
Steve had sex.
I'm sorry, but he did.
And this was just a kiss. A kiss is nothing.
-A kiss with Aidan. -It was a kiss.
-We have a history. -It was just a kiss.
Say nothing.
I am gonna tell him.
Do me a favor...
...and sleep on it.
Your first sheesha experience.
This is very exciting.
You put this pipe in your mouth--
And suck?
You are a natural.
I think you have another audience.
Abu Dhabi is so cutting-edge in so many ways...
...and so backward when it comes to sex.
And the paradox is...
...I find myself to be most aroused on my trips here.
Do tell.
If we were in, say, Paris, or Madrid, right now...
...I would be having my hand down your blouse, brushing your nipples.
But here, such things are forbidden.
And it's like being a boy again.
And are you a big boy?
Walk on the beach?
Oh, yes.
I need a walk on the beach.
Your top seems to have come undone.
Well, it's 2:30 a.m. there. You still can't be jet-lagged.
Hi.
Something happened.
-Are you okay? -Yes. Yes.
Nothing accident-wise or anything.
But it was an accident.
What happened? Are you physically okay?
Yes, I'm--
I'm fine.
I, uh, went to the spice market...
...and I ran into Aidan.
-Hello? -Yes?
And we decided to have dinner...
...because it was so strange to see each other there.
And at dinner we were talking about how happy we were in our marriages and--
And when we went to say goodbye...
...somehow...
...we kissed.
It didn't mean anything...
...and it lasted only a second.
And I'm sick about it.
And the girls didn't know if I should even tell you...
...because it was just a kiss and it means nothing.
But I told them...
...that I couldn't have a secret from you. That we don't have secrets.
And the secret would just make it worse. So....
So I'm telling you.
And I feel awful.
And I'm sorry.
Please say something.
I'm at work, Carrie.
I have to go.
Goodbye.
-Hi. I was gonna call you back. I just-- - Carrie, this is outrageous.
-I've been arrested. -Wait, wait, wait.
-Samantha, wait. What's wrong? -You gotta get down here.
Get up.
Samantha was arrested for having sex on the beach.
She's at hotel security and she needs a lawyer.
I'm on it.
No, no, no. That way.
We did not have sex. We were just kissing.
And this uptight couple told the security guard to arrest us.
See, kissing is something. It's illegal.
Oh, Mr. Safir, thank you so much for coming.
I'm so sorry about this unfortunate situation.
Ladies, if you don't mind waiting outside.
I'm her attorney. I'm gonna stay.
-Sure. -We'll be right outside.
-It's all right. -So, what is the severity of the situation?
The gentleman who reported the incident is very conservative...
...and has insisted the offending event be recorded.
Offending event? It was kissing.
I understand your feelings. But we will need your passport.
My passport? You gotta be kidding me.
It's just to make a record. To satisfy the complaining gentleman.
This is outrageous.
I know. I know.
It was just a kiss.
Thank you.
I guess I really missed who I used to be...
...and Aidan was such a big part of that and--
Yes, I wanted the flirting, and, yes, I wanted the attention.
But I didn't want the kiss.
The minute I kissed Aidan I remembered who I used to be.
Someone just running around New York like a crazy person...
...trying to get the one man I loved to love me back.
And now he does love me...
...and he wants to sit on a couch in New York City with me.
And I really hope my past hasn't screwed up my future.
And what's so bad about a couch anyway?
Oh, my God. I'm having a mid-wife crisis.
I should never have said anything to him.
The New Yorker was right to slap a big piece of tape across my mouth.
And I'm sorry for that thing I said about your marriage earlier.
I'm sorry too.
For what?
For having an attitude about that two-day idea.
I've had two days away, I've gotten a little sleep...
...and I am finally starting to feel like myself again.
I think there's really something to it.
Maybe.
Well, let's just hope Big doesn't want seven days off.
And as morning arrived, so did Samantha's release.
I am sorry it took me so long to arrive.
Well, you're here now, Mr. Mahmud.
I never got word until I arrived at my office.
I'm sorry that you had to come all the way out here.
-Well, it is all settled now. -Thanks to you.
-Good to see you again, ladies. -Thank you so much.
I'm starving.
Hello? What's for breakfast?
Abdul? Anybody?
Well, that's odd. Where are they?
-Hello? -Miss Jones, please.
Samantha. It's the front desk.
-This is Samantha Jones. -Miss Jones.
This is Beydoun at the front desk.
I will need a credit card number for the room charges.
Beydoun, there must be some mistake.
I am a guest of Sheikh Khalid. There is no room charge.
Yes, I have a record of that. But not from today on.
What are you talking about? I have a meeting with the sheikh on Tuesday.
Ah, yes. I have a note here from Mr. Mahmud.
That meeting is no longer as well.
That sneaky bastard has canceled the meeting...
...and he wants us to pay for the room from now on.
We have you booked into the Jewel Suite until Wednesday.
The charge is 22,000 per night.
The room is $22,000 a night.
-What? -We can't pay that.
Let them sue me.
The punishment for not paying your hotel bill in the UAE is jail.
What time is checkout?
In precisely one hour.
We have an hour to pack and get the fuck out of Abu Dhabi.
What?
What do you mean--?
New Middle East, my ass.
Fucking Paula Abdul. Where is she when you need him?
Samantha!
I can't be ready in an hour!
Then you better have $22,000 a night!
Oh, my God.
All right. Okay.
I've got the bath products.
- Yes. Did you call about luggage? -They're here for the luggage.
Okay. I'm coming.
Hi. I'm calling to reconfirm four first-class tickets.
Oh, Christ. -Are you okay?
We were supposed to be leaving on Tuesday, but....
Sir.
-Shorts? -I no longer care.
I am going from here to a plane to America, where legs are not the devil.
At least zip up the jacket.
I am having a hot flash in 119 degrees. I may die.
Yes, miss. -Hello.
We called down for two cabs going to the airport.
Right away. -Thank you.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Oh, my God!
-What? -I forgot to buy Harry and the girls a gift.
-I've gotta run to the gift shop. -Get them at the airport.
How tacky. No, we have time. The plane doesn't leave till 6.
Not chancing it. It's a miracle I got these seats rebooked.
If anything goes wrong, we're flying back 13 and a half hours in coach.
Buy them some crap at the airport.
It's not here. My passport.
-Well, is it in another purse? -No, no. I had it right here.
I had it right here next to my money and the spices.
Well, they're not here either.
I left it where I bought the shoes.
I put it on the counter and then when I saw Aidan I got distracted and I--
-It's all right. It's okay. -I have to go back to the souk.
-What if it's not there? -It will be there. It has to be.
-Miranda, go with me? -Sure.
-We'll all go. -You don't have to do that.
Yeah, like we'd dump you in Abu Dhabi.
Sir, we need to leave the bags here. We'll come back for them.
No, no, no. Um, um. La, la, la, la.
No, no. No.
My nails!
No, sir. No! Not at all. No. Not at all.
They're loading the other car!
Will you stop with the jacket? You're flashing religious men.
I don't care, I'm baking from the inside out.
How much farther?
There he is. Yeah, there he is.
Hello, sir. I was here the other day.
And I left a blue passport.
Yes!
Yes, that's me. Oh, thank God. Thank Allah.
-Just please accept this as a thank-you, sir. -No, no, no.
Oh, sir. Well, then, in that case, shoes for everyone.
Okay, ladies, on me. Quick, quick, quick.
Oh, thank you, sir.
So I think this...
...should lead us right out to Al Ben Abi Talib Street...
...and we can get a cab back to the hotel and go.
-And how are we for time? -Good.
Hello, miss. Rolex? Special price.
Make beautiful gift for man.
-Do you have it in silver? -Yes. Upstairs. Come.
-This one or this one. -Not this one.
-Oh, craps. -Wait!
-I think it's-- -Charlotte's buying a watch.
Miss.
-Welcome. - Excuse us.
-Ladies, come this way. Upstairs. - Wait, wait, wait. Hello?
We're with them.
Them. Them.
Okay.
We have many designer bags.
-Right through there. - Very good, very nice.
-You really enjoy this store. -Yes.
-Please, have seat. Please. -Very good.
-Yes. -Welcome.
-Thank you. -This is....
Carrie. This is the watch you gave Big, right? This could be Harry's gift.
No. Mine was vintage. We should go. We should go.
-We have ladies' watches too, huh? -Yeah.
We really, really need to go right now.
Is there any air in here?
-I have many other kinds. -No, I'm so sorry.
We're going to miss our plane, so nothing.
Thank you. Thank you.
-Beautiful. -You want watch, yes?
-No, no, no. She didn't want anything. -No.
-Sorry. -Thank you, though.
Go. Then go.
-We have to go. -No, you have to put this on...
-...before we go outside. -You go.
-Sorry. -No purse? No purse?
-Thank you, sir. -No purse? Purse? No purse?
-It's forbidden. -What?
It--
-What's that? -It's the call to prayer.
Hey, lady!
Hey, you! Hey, you. I see you steal this.
-This is mine! -I seen you take it!
I didn't steal it! It's mine!
You broke my Birkin!
Sorry. Mistake.
Condoms! Condoms, yes! Condoms!
-I have sex! -Okay, okay.
-Samantha. -Yes! Yes!
I have condoms!
Here they are!
Bite me!
-Bite me! Oh, bite me! -No, no, no.
Go, go. Keep going.
Put your jacket on.
You're worried about getting old? You're exactly the same as when I met you.
-Yes, I am. Good for me. -Oh, they're following us.
Yes, because that was major disrespect. And it's against the law.
-So, what do we do? -Just keep walking and pray...
...no one calls a cop.
I think they want us to follow them.
-I think we should. -Okay, go.
Okay.
All right. All right. Here we go.
Hello.
You are welcome, you are welcome.
That was quite a show outside.
Terrible.
So disrespectful.
Yes.
I quite enjoyed it.
-And the men will be outraged for weeks. -For months. Some, perhaps years.
Could I bother you for a glass of water? I'm burning up.
-Yes. -Hot flashes.
Yeah. She knows.
Have you read this?
We are discussing it in our book club today.
-Suzanne Somers. -Suzanne Somers.
Lady gets around.
They took my creams.
I take it you are visiting from the United States?
-New York City. -New York?
Carnegie Hall, Fifth Avenue.
You've been to New York?
No.
But we love the fashion.
-Louis Vuitton. -Yes.
Yes.
And there, in a dried-flower shop, halfway across the world...
...underneath hundreds of years of tradition...
...was this year's spring collection.
-So beautiful. -So pretty.
-What'd she say? What'd she say? -Something, something, Arab women.
Would you like anything to drink? Coffee, tea? Anything, really.
Sorry. If we don't leave now, we'll miss our flight.
But what about those angry men out there?
How are we gonna get past them?
All clear.
This way.
It's this way.
Hey, where's Charlotte?
-She was behind you. -No, I know.
I'm gonna fucking kill her. If we miss that flight, we're flying home coach.
Shoes, the shoes. Look for her shoes. She was wearing purple peep-toe platforms.
-Got it. -Right.
There she is.
Charlotte!
Look! For the girls!
Taxi!
-Taxi! -Don't women here take cabs?
Taxi!
Why won't they stop? We're out of time. We're gonna get bumped from first class.
I can't be in menopause and in coach.
I have an idea. Hold this.
-What's she doing? -I don't know.
Oh, hurry. - Get in.
I'll get in the front.
Thank you so much. Thank you, sir. Oh, yes.
We're going to the Taj Al Saharaa.
Thank you.
Do you have anything to declare?
Yes. I'm a mess.
Thank you.
Do you have anything to declare?
Turns out, Big never met me at the airport like he promised.
-Thank you, William. -No problem, Mrs. Preston.
John?
No Big and no TV.
- Here comes Mommy. - Here comes Mommy.
-Hey, there she is. -Mommy, hi.
Let's say hello, let's say hello. -Oh, I missed you so much.
-Hi! Baby Rose. -Hello, my love.
-I missed you so much. -Mommy.
I can't pick up, so please leave me a message.
Hi, it's me. I'm home.
Where are you?
Hi.
Where you been all day?
Walking around.
Killing time.
Torturing you.
Well, it worked.
-I thought you weren't gonna come back. -Oh, no.
I'm a grownup.
And I made a vow.
Remember?
Ever thine, ever mine.
Ever ours.
Just so you know...
...that really tore me up.
I'm sorry.
You know, it seems to me that you're a bit of a rookie...
...when it comes to this whole marriage idea.
And maybe in light of what happened...
...until you get a better understanding of what this is all about...
...you need a little reminder.
This is your punishment.
You have to wear this every day so that you remember...
...you're married.
Gladly.
It dawned on me when I was walking around...
...that while you wrote a funny book about vows...
...you never actually wrote any vows from you to me.
Oh, I did.
But then that wedding never happened.
I guess we all make stupid mistakes.
You were saying.
Vows.
I took the liberty of making up some vows for you.
Repeat after me, please.
I will never kiss another man other than my husband.
I will stop worrying about being a boring old married couple...
...because we never will be.
I will stop worrying about being a boring old married couple...
...because we never will be.
Are you sure?
It's gonna be just us two.
Are we enough?
Kid...
...we're too much.
How's that for a little sparkle?
That's a lot of sparkle.
Why'd you get a black diamond?
Because you're not like anyone else.
That's a relief.
I thought you were gonna say it's the color of my soul.
And, like it always will, time moved us on.
And in the future--
I am proud to report that the settlement we attained...
...for Global Families Incorporated surpassed their expectations.
--Miranda learned that at the right law firm, where her voice was valued...
...she was also fun at work.
And that July 4th, on an East Hampton sand dune...
...Samantha learned that good things do come to those who wait...
...when she and Rikard resumed their date in the land of the free...
...and the home of the hormones.
And Charlotte learned that she never really had anything to worry about.
Turns out, her hot nanny preferred the company of other hot nannies.
Stanford, here's a refresher. -Yes, please.
-Happy birthday. -What are you doing? You drank it all?
And as Rose turned 3...
...and our marriage grew out of the terrible twos...
...Big and I found less and less need to escape to the other apartment.
But we kept the option open.
Just in case someone needed those two days off.
As for me, I began to think of marriage...
...much like the Real Housewife of Abu Dhabi's veil.
You have to take the tradition and decorate it your way.
--trying to make up my mind for me.
Well, stop it and do as I tell you.
Leopold. -Never take a stubborn woman...
...they're a curse. My mother warned me against stubborn women.
Leopold.
Now, stop following me or I'll call the police.
Because while movies may be wonderful in black and white...
...when it comes to relationships...
...there's a whole range of colors and options to explore.
And that's where I am today.