0 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:20,000 1 00:00:58,180 --> 00:00:59,810 - Good. Are you on? - Yeah, we're ready. 2 00:01:01,180 --> 00:01:03,180 My name is Calvin Cutler. 3 00:01:03,180 --> 00:01:06,060 What you're about to witness is the most badass, 4 00:01:06,060 --> 00:01:08,230 fucked-up thing you'll ever see. 5 00:01:08,310 --> 00:01:10,440 We call this the "Bull's Eye." 6 00:01:11,570 --> 00:01:14,320 Oh, yeah. Don't try this at home. 7 00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:18,370 You're good? You ready, buddy? All right. Right, ready? 8 00:01:19,370 --> 00:01:22,500 One... two... three! 9 00:01:26,250 --> 00:01:27,290 Tell me we got it. Just... 10 00:01:28,380 --> 00:01:32,300 Did we? No! No way, we got it! No fucking way, dude! 11 00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:34,210 We got it! We got it! We got... - Oh, shit! 12 00:01:34,220 --> 00:01:36,550 Look at that! Look at that! Dude. Bull's eye, bro! 13 00:01:39,390 --> 00:01:41,390 Awesome! 14 00:01:41,390 --> 00:01:44,100 We're putting it on YouTube! Let's go! Yeah! 15 00:01:44,270 --> 00:01:45,390 Dude, we got a view! 16 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:49,480 Yeah, buddy, that was us when we uploaded it. 17 00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:53,280 Well, then upload it again so we can have two views. 18 00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:55,280 I... I don't think that's how it works. 19 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:57,660 - Hit "refresh," dude. - Oh, yeah. 20 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:03,370 - No way. - That can't be right. 21 00:02:03,370 --> 00:02:04,660 - Do me a favor. - I just refreshed it. 22 00:02:04,660 --> 00:02:06,080 Let's see if it pulls up. 23 00:02:06,330 --> 00:02:10,670 No way. Twenty-five thousand views, man! 24 00:02:12,050 --> 00:02:13,300 Five hundred thousand! 25 00:02:14,210 --> 00:02:16,380 - One million? Yes! - You're too money! 26 00:02:16,510 --> 00:02:19,300 - I told you we're gonna be famous. - We're gonna be famous and... 27 00:02:19,300 --> 00:02:21,300 April fools, suckers! 28 00:02:22,220 --> 00:02:26,220 I took the liberty of cloning YouTube and hyper-inflating your views. 29 00:02:26,230 --> 00:02:27,690 ...You... You little shit! 30 00:02:28,100 --> 00:02:30,690 Did you just try to hit me through your computer screen? 31 00:02:30,690 --> 00:02:31,770 Yeah, I did! 32 00:02:31,770 --> 00:02:34,400 Why don't you come in here so I can hit you like a real man, pussy! 33 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:37,490 Working on my science project. Enjoy your page views. 34 00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:39,410 God, he's such a little spaz! 35 00:02:39,700 --> 00:02:42,070 - We need revenge. - We do. 36 00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:45,240 - We need to April fools prank him. - Yeah! 37 00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:47,330 - Hit him where it hurts. - Square in his balls. 38 00:02:47,330 --> 00:02:49,120 No! We gotta do something better. 39 00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:52,340 We steal his computer and load it full of viruses. 40 00:02:52,420 --> 00:02:55,340 - Wait, where do we get viruses? - Uh, duh! Porn sites. 41 00:02:55,340 --> 00:02:58,340 Why do you think my computer's so slow? It's full of 'em. 42 00:02:58,420 --> 00:03:01,340 Oh, okay, but how-how do we get his laptop if it's in his room? 43 00:03:01,340 --> 00:03:03,640 We can't just-just kick in the door and steal it. 44 00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:06,430 How do you lure a dragon out of a lion's den? 45 00:03:06,430 --> 00:03:07,430 I don't know. 46 00:03:08,350 --> 00:03:10,640 - You present him with a challenge. - Challenge? 47 00:03:10,650 --> 00:03:12,520 A challenge. Jus... Follow my lead. 48 00:03:13,150 --> 00:03:16,440 - Baxter! Baxter, my man! - What? 49 00:03:17,110 --> 00:03:20,570 Uh, me and J.J., we have this computer problem. 50 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:25,580 There's this movie on the Internet and we can't find it. 51 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:27,160 Can you help us? 52 00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:29,460 You're trying to get back at me for that prank, right? 53 00:03:29,540 --> 00:03:33,580 No! Truce! Truce. Seriously, we just, uh... 54 00:03:33,580 --> 00:03:38,970 we need to find it, uh, before the FBI takes it down. 55 00:03:39,380 --> 00:03:40,470 You said the FBI? 56 00:03:40,470 --> 00:03:44,550 - Fucking FBI, the CIA... - The CSI, NCIS... 57 00:03:44,550 --> 00:03:46,600 I mean, this video is so illegal, 58 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:49,310 it has been banned by every country in the world. 59 00:03:49,390 --> 00:03:50,480 Including Amsterdam. 60 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,600 Where you could slap a cop in the face with your penis, 61 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:54,060 and they'd say, "danka." 62 00:03:54,060 --> 00:03:55,690 Amsterdam is not a country! 63 00:03:56,230 --> 00:03:58,400 - Amsterdam's not a country? - Since when? 64 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,490 The shit's still banned there, dude. 65 00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:03,690 Yeah. Think about it. They... it's... it's like it's the... the... the fucking... 66 00:04:03,780 --> 00:04:06,410 It's the most dangerous film in the world. 67 00:04:06,410 --> 00:04:07,700 - It is. - What's it called? 68 00:04:10,330 --> 00:04:13,420 Actually, you know what, Baxter? You're right. 69 00:04:13,420 --> 00:04:15,210 It was an April Fool's prank. 70 00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:17,590 I'm sorry we brought you into this. 71 00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:19,590 You know, you should probably just... 72 00:04:19,590 --> 00:04:22,720 go on with your life and never think about this again. Please. 73 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:23,760 Wait. 74 00:04:24,590 --> 00:04:27,430 - What's so bad about it? - You don't wanna know. 75 00:04:27,430 --> 00:04:28,770 What's so bad about it? 76 00:04:30,220 --> 00:04:33,520 Hey, slim! What's so bad about it? 77 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:35,350 - It can kill you. - How? 78 00:04:35,770 --> 00:04:38,440 It can make you shit out your intestines. 79 00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:40,360 It can make you bleed out of your eyes. 80 00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:42,190 You know, one guy saw it, 81 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:45,320 and he ran into a church, and he just started humping the nuns. 82 00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:47,320 That was a huge story a few years back. 83 00:04:47,330 --> 00:04:49,200 It can make you pull off your own dick. 84 00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:50,790 Okay, why would you want to watch it... 85 00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:52,330 if it can make you pull off your own dick? 86 00:04:52,330 --> 00:04:53,460 Because... 87 00:04:53,620 --> 00:04:58,130 If you can watch it all the way through from the beginning to end, 88 00:04:58,500 --> 00:05:02,260 you're rewarded beyond your wildest dreams. 89 00:05:03,340 --> 00:05:07,470 With money. And sex. And women. 90 00:05:08,260 --> 00:05:11,390 It's like that movie The Ring, but with a good ending. 91 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,390 - Yeah. And boobs. - Lots of boobs. 92 00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:17,100 So what's this movie called? 93 00:05:19,230 --> 00:05:20,400 Movie. 94 00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:23,530 - Forty-three. - Movie forty-three. 95 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:28,410 It's not on Zwoogle. 96 00:05:29,370 --> 00:05:31,790 Yeah, of course it's not on Zwoogle. It's banned! 97 00:05:32,660 --> 00:05:35,330 Okay. Then I guess we'll need to dig deeper. 98 00:05:35,330 --> 00:05:37,540 Visit some dark corners of the Internet. 99 00:05:37,580 --> 00:05:40,540 Mm, yeah, the dark corners, dude. 100 00:05:40,550 --> 00:05:42,380 Yeah, get in there. We gotta find this thing. 101 00:05:43,130 --> 00:05:45,510 I found a cloaked server that houses banned videos. 102 00:05:45,510 --> 00:05:48,510 Start out with the forty-third one on the list. Sound good? 103 00:05:48,510 --> 00:05:51,140 Yes! Yeah, you guys keep working on this. 104 00:05:51,140 --> 00:05:54,680 I'm gonna go guard the door for the uh, FBI, 105 00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:56,690 the CIA, and Mom. 106 00:05:57,560 --> 00:05:59,310 Look at this. Check it out. 107 00:06:00,730 --> 00:06:03,440 Hey. Ooh! You look good. 108 00:06:03,570 --> 00:06:05,740 Hope you're almost ready. He's gonna be here any second. 109 00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:08,570 I don't know why I'm doing this, Pam. I don't trust Julie. 110 00:06:08,570 --> 00:06:12,200 - I mean, what if this guy's a loser? - He's not a loser. 111 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:14,120 He made senior partner at his law firm by the time he was, 112 00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:15,200 like, twenty-eight. 113 00:06:15,330 --> 00:06:17,580 So all he cares about is his career and money. 114 00:06:18,330 --> 00:06:21,590 Mm, not according to Julie. He's a volunteer with the Special Olympics, 115 00:06:21,590 --> 00:06:23,550 he's on the board of the New York Philharmonic... 116 00:06:23,630 --> 00:06:25,720 He's opening a new restaurant with Derek Jeter! 117 00:06:26,130 --> 00:06:28,760 But he's probably got one of those awkward character faces... 118 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,350 that sort of really has to grow on you, right? 119 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:36,350 Mr. "Character Face" is on the cover of Gotham Magazine. 120 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:39,560 - That's him? - That's him. 121 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:43,570 Yeah. 122 00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:48,490 And he's here. Go. 123 00:06:48,490 --> 00:06:50,070 - Do I look okay? - Gorgeous. 124 00:06:50,070 --> 00:06:51,320 - You sure? - Have fun! 125 00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:52,450 Bye! 126 00:06:57,370 --> 00:06:58,750 - I mean, you gotta be kidding. - Several of them. 127 00:06:58,750 --> 00:07:02,080 I'm telling you, don't knock shopping on TV until you've tried it. 128 00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:03,750 Beth, I think-I think you're the first person I've ever met... 129 00:07:03,750 --> 00:07:05,170 who actually buys stuff off television. 130 00:07:05,170 --> 00:07:06,370 - No! Come on! - No, it's true. 131 00:07:06,510 --> 00:07:08,510 Oh, well where do you think I got this scarf? 132 00:07:08,510 --> 00:07:11,380 And you know what? I bet it's softer than yours. 133 00:07:11,390 --> 00:07:13,260 Okay. See, that's where I draw the line. 134 00:07:13,260 --> 00:07:15,100 Do not start putting down the scarf. 135 00:07:15,100 --> 00:07:17,600 Here. Feel this. One-hundred percent pashmina. 136 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:19,770 Well, at least that's what the guy on the street told me. 137 00:07:19,770 --> 00:07:22,690 Come on, then. Wow, that is soft. Well, you know, I... 138 00:07:22,690 --> 00:07:25,480 Hey, Mr. H. Table's ready, sir. 139 00:07:25,610 --> 00:07:26,650 Great. 140 00:07:27,110 --> 00:07:28,530 - I'll take those. - Thank you. 141 00:07:29,110 --> 00:07:30,280 - Please. - Our table's ready. 142 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:31,280 Thank you. 143 00:07:31,410 --> 00:07:32,490 After you. 144 00:07:35,490 --> 00:07:40,410 So, um, Carrie tells me you design clothes for kids. No? 145 00:07:40,540 --> 00:07:42,670 Yes. Clothes for kids. I design... 146 00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:46,380 clothes... for kids. Kids clothes. 147 00:07:46,380 --> 00:07:47,670 Awesome. Awesome. 148 00:07:47,670 --> 00:07:51,720 So, if I see some kids looking weird this summer, it may be your fault, huh? 149 00:07:53,510 --> 00:07:55,140 I'm just joking. I'm just joking. 150 00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:58,100 Your Russian Standard Vodka, sir. 151 00:07:58,100 --> 00:07:59,680 Am I that predictable, Abby? 152 00:08:01,690 --> 00:08:03,520 Eh... Yeah, you good with that? Or would you prefer a glass of wine or...? 153 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:07,530 No. No, I... I could, use it. 154 00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:08,690 Thank you. 155 00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:14,320 So, here's to a, Here's to a wonderful evening. Cheers. 156 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:17,450 Cheers. 157 00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,540 Those Russians know something. 158 00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:29,590 This is... a nice place. 159 00:08:29,710 --> 00:08:32,720 Oh, it's great. This pl... Oh, you gotta check out the ceiling. 160 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:34,720 Those beams were taken out... 161 00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:37,300 of this old Quaker meetinghouse out in rural Pennsylvania. 162 00:08:37,300 --> 00:08:41,730 I mean, look. It's all oak. Isn't that something? It's gorgeous, huh? 163 00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:43,730 Oh, wow, Jake. What's this? 164 00:08:43,730 --> 00:08:48,730 Well, Mr. H, this is a vichyssoise courtesy of Chef Billy. 165 00:08:48,730 --> 00:08:50,650 Now, he heard that you guys were coming in tonight, 166 00:08:50,650 --> 00:08:53,400 so he's put together a special four-course meal for you. 167 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:54,740 Lobster okay tonight? 168 00:08:55,070 --> 00:08:57,200 That's okay with me if it's okay with you, 169 00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:58,990 un-unless you wanna check out the menu. 170 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:01,540 Beth? Unless you wanna check out the menu, or...? 171 00:09:01,540 --> 00:09:03,500 - No, that's sounds lovely. - Right. 172 00:09:04,330 --> 00:09:05,330 Terrific. 173 00:09:05,330 --> 00:09:07,540 Please thank the chef. Thank you. 174 00:09:08,250 --> 00:09:09,460 Bon Appétit. 175 00:09:13,630 --> 00:09:16,760 Oh, you've, got something on your... 176 00:09:17,340 --> 00:09:20,770 Something on my neck? Leave it to me to embarrass myself on a first date. 177 00:09:23,270 --> 00:09:24,350 Here... 178 00:09:24,770 --> 00:09:26,640 There? There? I got it? 179 00:09:26,650 --> 00:09:30,230 A little bit... bit more on-on the left b... ball... One. 180 00:09:30,230 --> 00:09:33,150 Uh, left side. Of... Dribbly bit. 181 00:09:36,700 --> 00:09:41,030 Thanks. I mean, no biggie. Trust me, I've been through worse. I mean, as... 182 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:44,460 As a kid, I used to get made fun of all the time. 183 00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:47,120 Was it, because of your... 184 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,670 My stutter. I... I used to have a really bad stutter. 185 00:09:49,670 --> 00:09:53,380 Actually took probably nine years of speech therapy to get rid of it. 186 00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:09,270 So, was there anything else they... may have made fun of? 187 00:10:11,570 --> 00:10:14,030 - I don't know. - Anything at all? 188 00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:17,150 Oh, yeah, some kids used to talk a little smack about my neck. 189 00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:19,200 - You know. - Oh, thank God! 190 00:10:20,070 --> 00:10:23,080 - What's up? - I thought I was going crazy. I... 191 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:24,290 What? 192 00:10:24,500 --> 00:10:28,710 I mean... not a big deal... at all. 193 00:10:28,710 --> 00:10:33,050 It's just, what is the story there? 194 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:38,550 Well, when I was six, I fell off my bike and I landed on a sprinkler head... 195 00:10:38,550 --> 00:10:41,090 and they had to stitch me up at the hospital. 196 00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:43,560 See, it's, it's just a scar. Right? 197 00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:47,180 I mean, kids could be mean. They used to call me Frankenstein. 198 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:52,610 They're like, "He's alive. He's alive!" 199 00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:58,320 Well, I don't care, you know. Kids make fun of everything, right? 200 00:10:59,570 --> 00:11:02,530 Is it just me or did it suddenly get a little chilly in here? 201 00:11:05,740 --> 00:11:07,330 I think it may be that vent there. 202 00:11:09,330 --> 00:11:12,080 - Here we are. - Man! Look at the size of those things. 203 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:15,090 Oh, Jake, buddy, would you mind turning up the heat just a tad? 204 00:11:15,090 --> 00:11:17,450 I think that, that vent's blowing right on... not a problem. 205 00:11:18,090 --> 00:11:19,130 Thank you. 206 00:11:19,130 --> 00:11:20,470 And, uh, just let me go ahead and... 207 00:11:20,470 --> 00:11:22,760 - Sure. - Get this out of your way here. 208 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:24,260 Oh, God! Are you... Are you okay? 209 00:11:26,140 --> 00:11:27,770 It's my stomach. There's... 210 00:11:30,020 --> 00:11:31,600 Just get my breath back, you know. 211 00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:35,480 There he is! There's the stud! 212 00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:37,150 Hey! Angie! Ray! 213 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,030 Hey, how the hell are you guys? You're good? 214 00:11:39,030 --> 00:11:40,700 Apparently not as good as you. 215 00:11:41,030 --> 00:11:43,570 Hi, I'm Angie and this is my husband Ray. 216 00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:46,370 - Hi. - This is my new friend, Beth. 217 00:11:46,370 --> 00:11:48,580 She's slowly restoring my faith in blind dates. 218 00:11:48,580 --> 00:11:50,120 Well, kudos to you, Beth, 219 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:52,250 for getting this old workaholic out of his office for once. 220 00:11:52,250 --> 00:11:53,710 Come on. Come on, Ray. 221 00:11:53,790 --> 00:11:57,050 Nice work! You caught the big one! 222 00:11:57,130 --> 00:11:58,170 Did I? 223 00:11:59,630 --> 00:12:01,050 But... Do you not notice the... 224 00:12:01,050 --> 00:12:04,430 - Look how big little Evan's getting! - Yeah. Little? 225 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:07,260 Yeah. He's growing like crazy. 226 00:12:08,810 --> 00:12:10,390 - No. - Who's a big boy? 227 00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:13,600 Who's a big boy, huh? 228 00:12:14,060 --> 00:12:17,070 Wow, Ray, he's a monster. You got yourself a little linebacker here. 229 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,400 A little linebacker that needs to go to bed! 230 00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:21,700 Okay. You're off to bed. There you go. 231 00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:25,620 - Fumble. - Another pacifier down. 232 00:12:25,620 --> 00:12:26,740 I got it. 233 00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:29,750 Thanks, buddy. Thanks bud. 234 00:12:30,290 --> 00:12:31,620 Here, bud. Angie? 235 00:12:31,620 --> 00:12:33,160 You guys look so cute. I gotta take a picture. 236 00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:34,210 Really? 237 00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:37,170 - Angie, please. - Hey, let-let the man eat, honey. 238 00:12:37,170 --> 00:12:39,550 Come on, Ray. We have a picture of our first date. 239 00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:41,420 They should have a picture of theirs. 240 00:12:41,420 --> 00:12:45,300 Come on, get your fanny over there behind her and don't be shy. 241 00:12:45,300 --> 00:12:48,640 - All right. Okay, okay. All right. - Okay. 242 00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:50,470 - I'm sorry about this. - Get in close. 243 00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:53,190 Beth, I'm gonna need you to hold still. 244 00:12:53,310 --> 00:12:55,190 Oh, God, they look so... 245 00:12:55,190 --> 00:12:58,110 Get down! Get your face down next to hers! Come on! 246 00:12:58,110 --> 00:13:00,320 Take it. Take it. Take it, take it, take it, take it. 247 00:13:00,730 --> 00:13:02,990 - So good! - How's that? 248 00:13:04,110 --> 00:13:05,700 Now why don't you give each other a little kiss? 249 00:13:05,700 --> 00:13:07,120 Oh, come on. Angie, we just met. 250 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,200 Come on, let 'em eat! Let the man eat! 251 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:10,990 - Come on! Just a little kiss. - All right, all right. 252 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:13,450 We'll do one, one kiss on the forehead. 253 00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:14,460 - One peck on the forehead. - We don't need to. 254 00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:15,710 - Ready? Okay. - We really don't. 255 00:13:15,710 --> 00:13:17,080 We don't need... 256 00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:22,460 The fuck, man! Keep looking. 257 00:13:25,130 --> 00:13:27,470 Let's try the forty-second one. 258 00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:29,100 Yeah, yeah, good idea. 259 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,020 Boobs. 260 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:39,480 Pornography with viruses. 261 00:13:41,110 --> 00:13:43,150 Yeah, Baxter, you're going down. 262 00:13:43,690 --> 00:13:45,110 Keep looking. 263 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:54,540 It's uh, roast Sumatra. I grind the beans myself. 264 00:13:54,540 --> 00:13:57,170 Hey, thanks again for dinner. You really didn't have to do this. 265 00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:58,170 Oh, please. 266 00:13:58,170 --> 00:13:59,540 What kind of neighbors would we be... 267 00:13:59,540 --> 00:14:01,420 if we didn't have you over for a welcome dinner? 268 00:14:01,420 --> 00:14:05,050 Sean, Samantha was just saying that they homeschool their son. 269 00:14:05,050 --> 00:14:06,170 Oh, that is interesting. 270 00:14:06,180 --> 00:14:08,550 Well, we just think it's the only way to make sure... 271 00:14:08,550 --> 00:14:11,180 that he gets the best education possible. 272 00:14:11,260 --> 00:14:13,180 You should really consider it for your kids. 273 00:14:13,180 --> 00:14:15,980 Hey, you know, Kevin's upstairs doing his homework right now. 274 00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:17,520 I'm sure he'd love to talk to you guys about it. 275 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:21,190 Wait. He... So you homeschool your son but he still gets homework? 276 00:14:23,650 --> 00:14:26,190 It's very important to us that Kevin has... 277 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:29,280 a normal and complete high school experience. 278 00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:36,080 Written assignments are to be done in black ink. Not green or blue or pink. 279 00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:39,170 When are you gonna get that through your thick skull, Mr. Morris? 280 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:41,170 It's Miller. 281 00:14:41,590 --> 00:14:43,300 That's a detention. 282 00:14:44,170 --> 00:14:47,220 Move, move, move, move, move! Pick it up! Pick it up! 283 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:49,430 Come on, girlfriend, pick your knees up! 284 00:14:51,010 --> 00:14:52,550 Oh, I... I see. It's... 285 00:14:52,550 --> 00:14:56,560 But don't you feel like maybe he's, I don't know, missing out? 286 00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:59,100 Yeah, high school is about more than just classes and homework. 287 00:14:59,100 --> 00:15:02,230 Absolutely. There's the alienation, the loneliness. 288 00:15:02,230 --> 00:15:05,230 It should be the unhappiest time in a boy's life. 289 00:15:05,230 --> 00:15:06,360 That's why we try to make sure... 290 00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:09,450 that Kevin doesn't miss out on any of those essential... 291 00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:13,120 emotionally scarring experiences that he'd get at a regular school. 292 00:15:15,330 --> 00:15:16,330 Fag! 293 00:15:17,700 --> 00:15:19,120 Faggot! 294 00:15:21,710 --> 00:15:24,130 You dropped your books, fuckface! 295 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:34,050 Jesus! Dad, what the fuck! 296 00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:36,600 Whoa. You've got weird pubes. 297 00:15:37,220 --> 00:15:40,730 Hey, guys! Come check out this kid's weird pubes! 298 00:15:41,150 --> 00:15:44,270 Still, it must be an awful lot of work for you guys, though. 299 00:15:44,270 --> 00:15:47,280 Oh, sure, there is. But we love it. 300 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,820 I think we've put together a pretty comprehensive plan... 301 00:15:49,820 --> 00:15:53,370 that provides Kevin with every important adolescent experience. 302 00:15:54,030 --> 00:15:55,590 You know, socializing with other kids... 303 00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:09,170 Hey. Kevin, right? 304 00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:12,180 Can I please come in? 305 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:15,510 Look, Debbie Clark's here, 306 00:16:15,510 --> 00:16:18,520 the girl you asked out before. It's gonna be awkward. 307 00:16:24,310 --> 00:16:27,270 Sorry. No. Sorry, sorry. No. Sorry. Okay, okay. 308 00:16:27,270 --> 00:16:29,190 Mom. Mom, please no, wait. Mom, just... if I... 309 00:16:35,530 --> 00:16:37,330 Extracurricular activities. 310 00:16:38,450 --> 00:16:40,000 What do you do? 311 00:16:40,790 --> 00:16:42,080 I suck. 312 00:16:42,330 --> 00:16:43,540 What do you suck? 313 00:16:45,130 --> 00:16:47,130 - Dicks. - Louder! 314 00:16:47,130 --> 00:16:49,670 - I suck dicks! I suck dicks! - Like you mean it! 315 00:16:49,670 --> 00:16:52,550 I suck dicks, I suck dicks, I suck 'em all the time! 316 00:16:52,550 --> 00:16:54,470 If you were a superhero, what would your superpower be? 317 00:16:54,470 --> 00:16:56,680 My superpower would be sucking dicks! 318 00:16:56,680 --> 00:17:00,350 Dude. You have so much poop on you right now. 319 00:17:02,140 --> 00:17:04,600 And of course the first kiss... 320 00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:08,070 that should be the most awkward moment in any boy's life. 321 00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:16,320 Emily and Kara said we should go all the way. 322 00:17:18,740 --> 00:17:20,370 What do you think? 323 00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:53,280 Um, do you have protection? 324 00:17:56,110 --> 00:17:57,360 So, dude. 325 00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:00,780 Don't tell Jeff or any of those guys, but... 326 00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:03,660 I just wanted to say that... 327 00:18:06,250 --> 00:18:08,040 if I did like guys... 328 00:18:10,250 --> 00:18:13,050 you'd totally be the kind of guy that I'd like. 329 00:18:17,380 --> 00:18:18,760 This is weird. 330 00:18:26,810 --> 00:18:28,560 I didn't mean any of that. 331 00:18:30,060 --> 00:18:31,270 Just talking, you know? 332 00:18:31,570 --> 00:18:33,270 Wow. 333 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:36,280 I don't think I'll ever forget the first time Kevin told us that... 334 00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:38,700 he wished he'd never been born. 335 00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:42,080 - He was only twelve. - Precocious kid. 336 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:44,290 You know, studies show that the average child... 337 00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:46,700 doesn't express that kind of self-loathing till they're fifteen. 338 00:18:46,710 --> 00:18:48,420 I bet. 339 00:18:50,290 --> 00:18:51,340 Here he comes. 340 00:18:52,710 --> 00:18:55,300 Hey, honey. Meet the neighbors. 341 00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:59,180 Kevin, this is Sean and Clare. They moved into the house three doors down. 342 00:18:59,180 --> 00:19:01,430 Oh, the Yeagers' old place. Great. 343 00:19:01,430 --> 00:19:03,100 Yeah, I'm, um, I'm... I'm Kevin. 344 00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:05,180 Uh, pleased to meet you. Welcome to the neighborhood. 345 00:19:05,180 --> 00:19:07,810 - Nice to meet you, too. - Thank you. That's so polite. That's... 346 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,730 I'm heading out. A bunch of us are gonna meet up at The Green. 347 00:19:10,730 --> 00:19:12,310 Ooh, The Green. 348 00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:14,730 And, uh, yes, I finished my homework. 349 00:19:14,730 --> 00:19:17,570 Oh, and Jen and I are gonna catch a movie afterwards, 350 00:19:17,570 --> 00:19:18,740 so I won't be home until late. 351 00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:21,740 Oh, that's fine. Just make sure you say hello from us. 352 00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:25,700 Jen, my mom says hi. 353 00:19:27,330 --> 00:19:28,370 Hello, Jen. 354 00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:32,330 Hello, Mrs. Miller. I'm the pretty girl. 355 00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:34,750 She is. 356 00:19:36,340 --> 00:19:39,130 - You guys have fun tonight.- All right. 357 00:19:40,220 --> 00:19:41,340 Nice meeting you! 358 00:19:41,340 --> 00:19:43,470 So. Who wants cake? 359 00:19:44,350 --> 00:19:46,350 Creepy. Let's move on. 360 00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:48,480 Keep searching, dude. 361 00:20:06,490 --> 00:20:07,540 Hi. 362 00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:10,040 - There. - Oh, wow. 363 00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:12,250 Now it's a picnic. 364 00:20:12,370 --> 00:20:14,790 Would you care for a chocolate-covered strawberry? 365 00:20:14,790 --> 00:20:18,510 Oh my gosh, sweetie. Talk about romantic. 366 00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:20,510 This is perfect! 367 00:20:20,510 --> 00:20:23,510 Julie, we've been together for over a year... 368 00:20:23,510 --> 00:20:26,010 Sixteen months and two weeks. 369 00:20:27,390 --> 00:20:32,560 And in that time, I've come to realize that you mean everything to me. 370 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:35,560 Oh, Doug. You, too. 371 00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:39,320 And there's something I want to ask you. 372 00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,530 There's something I'd like to ask you. 373 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,410 Okay, uh, you go first. 374 00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:46,240 - No, you go first. - No, you first. 375 00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:47,410 No, you first. 376 00:20:47,780 --> 00:20:50,540 How about we say it at the same time? 377 00:20:50,700 --> 00:20:51,790 Okay. 378 00:20:53,540 --> 00:20:55,790 - One, two... - One, two. 379 00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:57,540 Will you poop on me? 380 00:20:59,250 --> 00:21:02,050 - What? - Will you poop on me? 381 00:21:02,590 --> 00:21:04,050 What? What are you... 382 00:21:05,430 --> 00:21:06,590 Wait, what did- what did you say? 383 00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:09,810 I... I trust you. I feel like you're my soul mate. 384 00:21:09,810 --> 00:21:13,600 I want to give you this gift. I want you to be my first. 385 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:16,350 To poop... 386 00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:18,110 On me. What? 387 00:21:18,820 --> 00:21:21,610 You don't want to? 388 00:21:21,610 --> 00:21:23,240 No, I... I mean... 389 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:24,740 Are you not attracted to me anymore? 390 00:21:24,740 --> 00:21:27,450 Of course I'm attracted to you, honey. 391 00:21:27,450 --> 00:21:30,450 So will you? Poop on me? 392 00:21:34,580 --> 00:21:37,460 Ah, man. You just hit the fucking lottery, man. 393 00:21:38,460 --> 00:21:42,510 You don't think it's a little weird for wanting him to shit on her? 394 00:21:42,510 --> 00:21:46,300 Slow down, man. Have some respect for this guy, okay? 395 00:21:46,470 --> 00:21:48,260 She did not ask him to shit on her. 396 00:21:48,260 --> 00:21:49,640 Shitting is something you do on a whore. 397 00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:51,100 - Right. - Right? 398 00:21:51,100 --> 00:21:53,730 Pooping is a gift you give to your soul mate. 399 00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:56,730 - 'Course. - I never looked at it like that. 400 00:21:56,730 --> 00:21:59,650 So tell me, man, what's on the menu? Before you do the big deed. 401 00:21:59,650 --> 00:22:02,280 I don't... I don't know. Does it fucking matter? 402 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:05,490 - Is she a vegetarian? - No. 403 00:22:05,490 --> 00:22:09,620 Boom! Big beef burrito, with extra beans on that bad boy. 404 00:22:09,620 --> 00:22:12,120 Put some salsa, some guacamole for color. 405 00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:14,660 When it come out of you, it's a festival. You know what I'm saying? 406 00:22:14,660 --> 00:22:17,620 You went the extra yard for your lady. You hear me? 407 00:22:17,620 --> 00:22:19,670 No, I'm doing something classy, okay? 408 00:22:19,670 --> 00:22:23,420 I'm doing seared ahi tuna steaks, a salad, and red wine. 409 00:22:23,510 --> 00:22:25,670 - No. No, no, no! Fuckin' no! - Nice. 410 00:22:25,670 --> 00:22:30,140 It's not about how fancy it goes in. It's about how fancy it comes out. 411 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:34,140 Well... And believe me, Mexican food makes a fuckin' mess. 412 00:22:34,140 --> 00:22:35,560 And don't mess with fuckin' salads. 413 00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:37,770 You know what salad does? It locks down your bowels. 414 00:22:37,770 --> 00:22:40,520 You don't want your bowels all locked down, do you? No. 415 00:22:41,060 --> 00:22:43,270 Drinks are cool. Have a few fuckin' drinks. 416 00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:44,780 - Makes you last longer. - Last longer? 417 00:22:44,780 --> 00:22:47,650 You don't want to be Mr. Two Squeeze, Thank-You Please, right? 418 00:22:47,650 --> 00:22:50,360 - You really don't want to be that. - Billy, goddamn, Billy. 419 00:22:50,370 --> 00:22:52,700 Why don't you go over there while grown people are talking over here. 420 00:22:52,700 --> 00:22:54,580 Go over there and play with your GI Joes or some shit, man. 421 00:22:54,580 --> 00:22:56,200 Yeah, I'll go over there. 422 00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:58,790 Look it. Take my advice on this one. 423 00:22:59,330 --> 00:23:02,710 You go out tonight and you shit on a few skanks. Okay? 424 00:23:02,710 --> 00:23:04,420 Get it all out your system. 425 00:23:04,420 --> 00:23:09,340 Fuckin' tomorrow, you are a one-poop man. 426 00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:11,090 Understand? 427 00:23:13,100 --> 00:23:14,560 What the fuck is this? 428 00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:18,560 Viagra, brother. Poop Viagra. Yeah. 429 00:23:19,190 --> 00:23:21,690 - Just carry that on you? - Yeah, I carry that shit around on me. 430 00:23:21,690 --> 00:23:23,440 - At barbecues? - You goddamn right. 431 00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:24,440 I got a meat problem. 432 00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:26,190 All your fuckin' meat, I gotta clean that shit out. 433 00:23:26,190 --> 00:23:27,470 - Okay, yeah. - Okay? Fine, then. 434 00:23:43,130 --> 00:23:45,380 - I'm ready, sweetie. - Oh, fuck. 435 00:23:45,590 --> 00:23:46,710 One second. 436 00:24:17,620 --> 00:24:20,500 I love her. Hey, I love her. 437 00:24:27,750 --> 00:24:29,760 - Oh, oh! You look nice. - Thank you. 438 00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:32,630 Okay. Let's go... 439 00:24:32,630 --> 00:24:35,510 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Honey. What are you doing? 440 00:24:35,550 --> 00:24:38,640 What am I doing? I'm... You know what I'm doing. 441 00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:40,060 I'm trying to, you know. 442 00:24:40,060 --> 00:24:45,060 Not yet, tiger. I wanna savor this. 443 00:24:45,270 --> 00:24:47,320 Oh, okay. Well, I kinda... I kinda got to, uh... 444 00:24:47,650 --> 00:24:51,030 No, no, no, no. Come here. Come here and kiss me, 445 00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:55,200 and then you can give me your special present. 446 00:24:57,660 --> 00:25:00,660 - Tell me how much you love me. - Oh, I love you so much. 447 00:25:00,660 --> 00:25:03,040 - How much? - I love you so much I'd kill a man. 448 00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:04,080 Can we do this, please? 449 00:25:06,670 --> 00:25:10,090 - I bought this special lavender lotion. - Okay. 450 00:25:10,210 --> 00:25:13,340 - Why don't you get my neck ready. - You want it on your neck? 451 00:25:13,340 --> 00:25:15,340 Why? Does that not work for you? 452 00:25:15,340 --> 00:25:17,430 It's fine, it's fine. Here we go. 453 00:25:24,060 --> 00:25:25,230 That's nice. 454 00:25:25,230 --> 00:25:27,690 Okay, okay. There we go. Let's get it and... 455 00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:33,700 - No. No. Not yet. - What? 456 00:25:34,070 --> 00:25:36,570 - No. Come here. - What? 457 00:25:37,700 --> 00:25:41,120 - You're so excited. - I know. I can't stand it. 458 00:25:43,580 --> 00:25:46,330 Gosh. Remember the day that we met? 459 00:25:46,330 --> 00:25:47,580 Yes. 460 00:25:47,710 --> 00:25:52,510 Did you ever think that someday you'd be able to... 461 00:25:53,590 --> 00:25:56,260 - you know? - Honestly, no. No, I didn't. 462 00:25:56,260 --> 00:25:58,340 Do you remember what I was wearing that day? 463 00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:01,470 Baby, what was I wearing? 464 00:26:01,470 --> 00:26:03,470 - Do you remember what I was wearing? - A yellow sun dress! 465 00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:05,520 Come on! Roll over and let me shit on you, please! 466 00:26:06,730 --> 00:26:08,020 Excuse me? 467 00:26:08,020 --> 00:26:10,360 I'm sorry. Poop on you. I meant poop on you. 468 00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:12,150 Honey, I would never shit on you. 469 00:26:12,150 --> 00:26:13,740 I would never shit on you. Honey? 470 00:26:14,030 --> 00:26:16,570 Come here. I love you! Fuck! 471 00:26:17,570 --> 00:26:19,160 Oh, I can't. 472 00:26:20,620 --> 00:26:22,540 Julie! Come back! 473 00:26:23,290 --> 00:26:26,620 Oh, baby, please! I love you! I want you to marry you! 474 00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:30,750 Oh, my God! Doug, no! 475 00:26:34,010 --> 00:26:35,550 Oh, jeez! 476 00:26:38,010 --> 00:26:40,180 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 477 00:26:41,050 --> 00:26:44,430 - Doug! Doug! Call a fucking ambulance! - I'm on it! 478 00:26:44,430 --> 00:26:48,440 Hold on. Hold on, baby, okay? Hold on. You're gonna make it. 479 00:26:49,560 --> 00:26:51,060 Oh, Julie, I love you. 480 00:26:52,020 --> 00:26:53,530 I love you. 481 00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:57,280 All of this was for me? 482 00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:00,200 Yeah, I guess so. 483 00:27:00,700 --> 00:27:06,040 Oh, yeah? It's so beautiful. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. 484 00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:09,960 Yes... I will marry you. 485 00:27:10,710 --> 00:27:12,710 I will marry you, Doug. 486 00:27:23,050 --> 00:27:26,220 CougarCrate, where the web's hottest cougars hang out. 487 00:27:26,220 --> 00:27:27,810 CougarCrate. Perfect. 488 00:27:28,060 --> 00:27:32,350 Prepare yourselves, because the cougars are on the prowl. 489 00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:36,690 Look at you. You are nice. I like that peace sign. 490 00:27:37,360 --> 00:27:38,990 Just warmin' up... What? 491 00:27:39,570 --> 00:27:40,740 - Calvin? - Wh... What's going on? 492 00:27:40,740 --> 00:27:42,450 He's gone all Beautiful Mind on us. 493 00:27:42,450 --> 00:27:43,990 He's off the fuckin' grid. 494 00:27:44,990 --> 00:27:46,990 - Come on, Baxter. Think! - Dude, 495 00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:48,450 he's taken this shit to a whole new level. 496 00:27:48,450 --> 00:27:54,500 Everything... divided by nine... 497 00:27:58,130 --> 00:28:02,220 Calvin, great. J.J. and I were trying to delineate our search protocols. 498 00:28:02,220 --> 00:28:05,140 Can you tell me anything more about this video? Where'd you hear about it? 499 00:28:05,390 --> 00:28:06,510 St-Stevie Schraeder. 500 00:28:07,020 --> 00:28:11,140 Stevie Schraeder. Stevie. 501 00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:14,400 Got it! It's time to bring out the big guns. 502 00:28:17,650 --> 00:28:19,990 "Falcontron"? What's this? 503 00:28:19,990 --> 00:28:22,490 It's the most elite search engine on the Internet. 504 00:28:22,490 --> 00:28:26,280 Only fifty humans have access. Twelve are heads of state. 505 00:28:26,740 --> 00:28:28,490 So how do you have access to it? 506 00:28:28,490 --> 00:28:32,290 I hacked into the mainframe of the Bundesnachrichtendienst. 507 00:28:33,120 --> 00:28:35,420 Stop making up words, Baxter. Seriously. 508 00:28:35,420 --> 00:28:37,540 He does that all the time. He just makes up... 509 00:28:37,550 --> 00:28:40,050 It's the German intelligence bureau. 510 00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:43,680 "Bureau"? It's not a word. 511 00:28:45,550 --> 00:28:47,760 Attention P-Town shoppers: 512 00:28:48,140 --> 00:28:51,310 Be sure to check out our insert in Sassy Lass magazine... 513 00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:55,520 for killer deals on the Dr. Cole family of products. 514 00:28:56,190 --> 00:29:01,190 We're now offering a buy one get one "Senior Prom" special... 515 00:29:01,190 --> 00:29:04,070 on lambskin condoms and boxed wine. 516 00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:07,070 And don't forget our "Deadbeat Dad" discount. .. 517 00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:10,330 On all disposable cameras and whiffle ball bats. 518 00:29:10,330 --> 00:29:12,210 Got a dry, itchy vag? 519 00:29:12,540 --> 00:29:16,330 Today, we are offering a two-for-one deal on Beave Lotion. 520 00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:20,210 That's lotion for your beave by Moisture Maid, ladies... 521 00:29:20,210 --> 00:29:25,090 now on sale on aisle four. Be sure to check out... 522 00:29:31,060 --> 00:29:32,100 Neil. 523 00:29:32,430 --> 00:29:34,060 Veronica. 524 00:29:34,190 --> 00:29:35,230 Neil. 525 00:29:35,730 --> 00:29:37,100 You look pale. 526 00:29:37,110 --> 00:29:38,560 You look pregnant. 527 00:29:38,560 --> 00:29:41,070 You look like you slept in a soup kitchen urinal. 528 00:29:41,070 --> 00:29:43,690 You look like you bathed in a Dumpster behind the abortion clinic. 529 00:29:43,700 --> 00:29:46,070 You look like the kid who got cancer for Christmas. 530 00:29:46,070 --> 00:29:48,070 You look like the slutty one on The Golden Girls. 531 00:29:48,070 --> 00:29:49,740 - Dorothy? - Blanche. 532 00:29:49,740 --> 00:29:52,200 You take that back! You son of a bitch! 533 00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:54,120 You take it back! Take that back! 534 00:29:58,000 --> 00:29:59,500 I want to taste you. 535 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:03,130 I want to lick you till you weep. 536 00:30:10,100 --> 00:30:12,770 - How's your acid reflux? - How's your HPV? 537 00:30:13,100 --> 00:30:15,270 It's your HPV, Veronica. I'm just carrying it. 538 00:30:15,270 --> 00:30:18,100 Let's not have another “chicken or the egg” debate, Neil. 539 00:30:18,100 --> 00:30:20,230 No. Let's. 540 00:30:20,230 --> 00:30:25,110 - Chicken. - Egg. 541 00:30:26,530 --> 00:30:28,240 Your flesh... 542 00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:31,370 slick with cocoa butter... 543 00:30:33,290 --> 00:30:34,790 it haunts me. 544 00:30:40,250 --> 00:30:43,250 - How's Veronica? - Veronica's fine, Veronica. 545 00:30:43,250 --> 00:30:45,170 I can't believe you named your dog Veronica. 546 00:30:45,170 --> 00:30:47,550 Can't believe you sucked off that hobo from Magic Bean. 547 00:30:47,550 --> 00:30:49,260 He was a wizard, Neil. 548 00:30:51,640 --> 00:30:53,560 Shh. I wanna be on you. 549 00:30:54,180 --> 00:30:55,520 In you. 550 00:31:00,650 --> 00:31:02,270 I wanna be... 551 00:31:02,270 --> 00:31:04,440 all... 552 00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:12,200 over your chin. 553 00:31:16,790 --> 00:31:19,210 Do you still like créme brûlée? 554 00:31:19,420 --> 00:31:22,330 Do you still like fingers in your butthole? 555 00:31:22,340 --> 00:31:24,170 You know the answer is yes. 556 00:31:25,090 --> 00:31:26,170 Oh, Neil. 557 00:31:26,170 --> 00:31:27,720 Veronica. 558 00:31:28,090 --> 00:31:30,340 - Neil. - Veronica. 559 00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:32,300 I wanna get over you. 560 00:31:32,300 --> 00:31:34,560 I wanna give you a hickey on your vagina. 561 00:31:46,230 --> 00:31:48,610 You already have, Neil. 562 00:31:50,320 --> 00:31:52,200 You already have. 563 00:31:58,250 --> 00:32:00,080 I'll see you in church. 564 00:32:00,210 --> 00:32:01,620 Not if I see you f... 565 00:32:17,350 --> 00:32:18,390 May I? 566 00:32:22,520 --> 00:32:27,400 I'm no Romeo, folks, but I know what love is. 567 00:32:27,530 --> 00:32:32,740 It's an over-the-chinos rub and tug during your first AA meeting. 568 00:32:32,740 --> 00:32:34,240 Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. 569 00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:36,370 And if I was in your shoes, 570 00:32:36,370 --> 00:32:41,540 I would climb Dick Mountain mouth first just to get her back! 571 00:32:41,540 --> 00:32:42,670 Yes: Sir! 572 00:32:42,790 --> 00:32:45,670 Are we gonna let that foxy little thing... 573 00:32:45,670 --> 00:32:48,800 run willy-nilly out of this boy's life? 574 00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:50,380 No! No! 575 00:32:50,380 --> 00:32:52,300 Are we gonna help this youngster... 576 00:32:52,300 --> 00:32:55,140 take that sweet ass to pound town? 577 00:32:56,260 --> 00:32:58,680 - When's your shift up? - Five a.m. 578 00:32:58,680 --> 00:33:01,640 - I'll take it till three. - I got three to five! 579 00:33:02,390 --> 00:33:03,440 Thank you. 580 00:33:04,650 --> 00:33:06,560 Don't be a bitch about it. 581 00:33:07,400 --> 00:33:08,690 Go get her, son! 582 00:33:17,330 --> 00:33:18,530 What's that? 583 00:33:44,060 --> 00:33:46,560 It's not as exciting as you might think. It's... It's... 584 00:33:47,360 --> 00:33:50,440 For me, I like to say it's more about, just like, helping people, you know. 585 00:33:50,440 --> 00:33:53,740 - It's not about punishing criminals... - Right, yeah, I totally understand. 586 00:33:53,740 --> 00:33:55,610 - It's just, it makes you feel good... - Robin! 587 00:33:55,610 --> 00:33:57,320 - Oh, no. - Robin! 588 00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:00,450 Hey, Robin. Where you been? Hi, how you doing. 589 00:34:00,580 --> 00:34:02,500 You missed your meeting with your parole officer. 590 00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:05,500 - What? Parole officer? - No. He's kidding. 591 00:34:05,500 --> 00:34:07,620 Yeah, yeah, this guy got in some trouble a while back for... 592 00:34:07,630 --> 00:34:10,000 whipping out his little Dick Grayson on a playground. 593 00:34:10,000 --> 00:34:11,170 No, I didn't. 594 00:34:11,170 --> 00:34:12,670 But, it's all good. I mean, your wife forgave you, right? 595 00:34:12,670 --> 00:34:14,420 - What? - You're married? 596 00:34:15,420 --> 00:34:17,430 - Married pervert. Yeah. - No, I'm not! 597 00:34:17,430 --> 00:34:19,470 Stacey, I'm... I'm not married! He's kidding! 598 00:34:19,470 --> 00:34:21,430 Oh, man. Dodged that bullet. 599 00:34:21,430 --> 00:34:23,600 The hell are you doing here, Batman! You're gonna ruin this! 600 00:34:23,600 --> 00:34:25,430 Calm down! Hey, look, I read on Twitter... 601 00:34:25,430 --> 00:34:28,270 that a super-villain's gonna bomb this loser meet and greet. 602 00:34:28,270 --> 00:34:31,400 So I'm here to save the day, like I do, all the time. 603 00:34:31,400 --> 00:34:32,520 I mean, you know, it's my thing. 604 00:34:32,530 --> 00:34:34,400 - I'm the Batman! - Yeah, baloney! 605 00:34:34,400 --> 00:34:37,240 You're here to ruin my chances with women like you do all the time. 606 00:34:37,240 --> 00:34:39,700 No way, brother! No way! No, I'm-I'm in support of this. 607 00:34:39,700 --> 00:34:42,410 Get one more speed date, okay, then we gotta find that bomb. 608 00:34:42,410 --> 00:34:44,250 Ah, this sucks. 609 00:34:45,450 --> 00:34:48,250 Uh, little tip. Uh, less boy, more wonder, right? 610 00:34:48,250 --> 00:34:49,290 Ah, that's very clever. 611 00:34:49,290 --> 00:34:51,460 - Dazzle them! - Yeah, okay. Thanks. 612 00:34:51,460 --> 00:34:52,460 Hi. 613 00:34:52,710 --> 00:34:55,420 - Oh, hi. - Lois. Lois Lane. 614 00:34:55,420 --> 00:34:57,470 No, I... l know. I've... I've... 615 00:34:58,010 --> 00:35:00,680 it's... it's me, Robin. We... We've met several times. 616 00:35:00,680 --> 00:35:04,220 - Robin what? - Ro... Robin. That's it. 617 00:35:04,220 --> 00:35:06,430 I helped save you from Lex Luthor. 618 00:35:06,430 --> 00:35:07,480 Sorry. 619 00:35:07,480 --> 00:35:09,520 You were like, "I'll never forget this as long as I live." 620 00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:10,770 Sorry again. 621 00:35:11,190 --> 00:35:13,480 - I thought you were dating Superman. - No, no. 622 00:35:13,480 --> 00:35:16,400 - We broke up about six months ago. - I didn't-l didn't know that. 623 00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:18,490 - He's been stalking me ever since. - Really? 624 00:35:19,410 --> 00:35:21,660 Last night, I look out my bedroom window, 625 00:35:22,030 --> 00:35:24,120 and there he is just floating there, 626 00:35:24,120 --> 00:35:27,540 just stroking that nasty little curl, and masturbating! 627 00:35:27,540 --> 00:35:30,330 Blew his wad all over my window! 628 00:35:30,330 --> 00:35:33,210 - He broke the window! - The, the... From the... 629 00:35:33,210 --> 00:35:36,210 Uh, his jizz is like a shotgun blast! 630 00:35:36,300 --> 00:35:38,760 You know that shiny stuff in his hair? It's not hair gel. 631 00:35:41,050 --> 00:35:43,100 - Lois! Oh, my God! - Oh, no! 632 00:35:43,140 --> 00:35:46,180 - Nice to see you! - Nice to be seen! Oh, my goodness! 633 00:35:46,180 --> 00:35:47,180 No, no, no. Yeah, we're in the... 634 00:35:47,180 --> 00:35:49,230 - Do you know each other? - Yeah, we work together. 635 00:35:49,230 --> 00:35:50,480 - You do? - Hey, how's Superman? 636 00:35:51,520 --> 00:35:53,360 I'm gonna give him a call right now, actually. I need... 637 00:35:53,360 --> 00:35:55,360 - No, no! Don't do that! - Oh, no, I'm gonna do it. 638 00:35:55,360 --> 00:35:57,030 - Batman, don't. Please. Please. - It's already ringing. 639 00:35:57,030 --> 00:35:59,780 Hey, Soups! What's up, brother! It's the Dark Knight. 640 00:35:59,780 --> 00:36:01,320 Hey, man, I was just thinking about you here... 641 00:36:01,320 --> 00:36:03,110 'cause I'm sitting with Lois... 642 00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:05,370 and she's on a date with my boy, Robin. 643 00:36:05,370 --> 00:36:07,450 - No! - Oh, he hung up. I lost him. 644 00:36:07,450 --> 00:36:10,290 Stay away from Lois or I'll use my heat vision... 645 00:36:10,290 --> 00:36:14,090 to fuse your balls into one big ridiculous uniball. 646 00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:15,340 Superman, you don't understand. 647 00:36:15,340 --> 00:36:17,630 I'm not here to hit on your girlfriend. That's crazy! 648 00:36:17,710 --> 00:36:20,220 Batman and I are undercover and we're looking for a bomb. 649 00:36:20,220 --> 00:36:23,550 Bomb? I don't give two super-shits about a bomb. 650 00:36:23,550 --> 00:36:27,770 As long as I'm balls-deep in Lois, I'm solid gold. 651 00:36:29,060 --> 00:36:31,270 Stay away from Lois, bitch! 652 00:36:31,730 --> 00:36:33,310 Goddammit! That's his thing! 653 00:36:34,270 --> 00:36:35,610 No, so I told him, you know, 654 00:36:35,610 --> 00:36:37,270 "I mean, we're gonna be fighting crime, buddy, so..." 655 00:36:37,270 --> 00:36:38,320 Oh, there he is. 656 00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:39,530 "Uh, you know, you should put on some pants." 657 00:36:39,530 --> 00:36:41,320 But he liked the costume the way it is, so, 658 00:36:41,320 --> 00:36:42,800 you know, what are you gonna do. Kids. 659 00:36:43,030 --> 00:36:45,070 - Well... Thursday? - Thursday it is! 660 00:36:45,070 --> 00:36:46,530 - See you then. - All right, now. 661 00:36:46,530 --> 00:36:49,540 And, nice legs. 662 00:36:50,580 --> 00:36:52,580 You make me wear this. He makes me wear this outfit! 663 00:36:52,580 --> 00:36:54,540 So unfair! I hate it! 664 00:36:56,590 --> 00:36:58,420 She's a hoot! All right, that was your date. Let's go. 665 00:36:58,420 --> 00:37:01,550 - Bullcrap! That doesn't count! - What do you mean that doesn't count? 666 00:37:01,550 --> 00:37:02,800 That was a girl, this was a date. 667 00:37:02,800 --> 00:37:04,600 Now, let's boogie. We gotta go find that bomb. 668 00:37:05,300 --> 00:37:07,350 Please, just let me do one more. That doesn't count. Please. 669 00:37:07,350 --> 00:37:09,600 Oh, my God, you're such a baby. Go! Sit down. Fine. 670 00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:10,680 - Yes! - Fine. Go ahead. 671 00:37:10,680 --> 00:37:12,390 Have fun. But you're not gonna do it on your own. 672 00:37:12,390 --> 00:37:13,600 - Pop that in your ear. - What's that? 673 00:37:13,600 --> 00:37:15,690 What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna get underneath the table, 674 00:37:15,690 --> 00:37:19,610 hide down there and feed you lines to help bag this next gal. 675 00:37:19,610 --> 00:37:21,230 Oh, right, like Cyrano de Bergerac. 676 00:37:21,240 --> 00:37:23,150 I don't know what that is. It's more like Roxanne. 677 00:37:23,150 --> 00:37:25,450 Okay, but look, I... I'd really rather do this on my own. 678 00:37:25,450 --> 00:37:27,530 Okay, and I hear you, and I appreciate what you're saying, 679 00:37:27,530 --> 00:37:29,790 - but I, you know, I'm gonna do it. - Please don't. 680 00:37:30,540 --> 00:37:33,120 - I'm gonna do it. - Batman, don't. Please, please, don't... 681 00:37:33,120 --> 00:37:36,330 Hi. Sorry, sorry I'm late. There's a line in the bathroom. 682 00:37:36,630 --> 00:37:37,710 Hi. I'm Supergirl. 683 00:37:37,710 --> 00:37:39,670 - My name... - I'm Robin. 684 00:37:40,590 --> 00:37:41,590 Hi, I'm Robin. 685 00:37:43,550 --> 00:37:44,670 Um, so where you from? 686 00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:47,220 - So, where you from? - I... Um, Krypton. 687 00:37:48,680 --> 00:37:51,060 Krypton, eh. Where... That's, that's, uh... 688 00:37:51,060 --> 00:37:52,560 - Oh, shit. - Oh, shit! 689 00:37:52,560 --> 00:37:54,640 - Dude, I can see her snatch. - Dude, I can sn... 690 00:37:54,640 --> 00:37:57,190 Oh, my God! I can't believe the size of this thing. 691 00:37:57,190 --> 00:38:01,650 It's like a giant fucking cornfield. It's enormous down here. 692 00:38:01,650 --> 00:38:05,240 It's crazy. Look at that. I... I... I feel like at any moment, 693 00:38:05,240 --> 00:38:08,570 Shoeless Joe Jackson could walk out of it and I could play catch with him. 694 00:38:08,570 --> 00:38:12,660 Krypton. I... I hear it's really nice. I... I have never been... 695 00:38:12,660 --> 00:38:15,500 You didn't hear that the Sun supernova and destroyed our entire race? 696 00:38:15,500 --> 00:38:17,000 I wanna wash dishes with it. 697 00:38:17,000 --> 00:38:19,420 Did it? I did not... 698 00:38:19,420 --> 00:38:22,130 It's a huge, bushy catastrophe down here. 699 00:38:22,130 --> 00:38:24,590 Feel like Sean Penn should do a benefit for this thing. It's... 700 00:38:24,590 --> 00:38:27,470 What? Oh, no. You can hear him, can't you? 701 00:38:27,470 --> 00:38:28,590 Yeah, I can hear him. 702 00:38:30,220 --> 00:38:32,520 I can also see Batman underneath the table. 703 00:38:32,680 --> 00:38:34,430 Cause of the x-ray vision. Of course. 704 00:38:34,430 --> 00:38:38,400 No, I can just see him. It's a cafe table. I mean, it's really obvious. 705 00:38:39,610 --> 00:38:40,690 - Hi. - Hi. 706 00:38:41,690 --> 00:38:44,690 Ah, dude. I'm so sorry about your family dying and... 707 00:38:46,280 --> 00:38:48,700 Oh, man! That took me back to the seventies, huh? 708 00:38:49,700 --> 00:38:52,700 Hold on. There's our culprit. It's the Penguin. 709 00:38:52,700 --> 00:38:54,660 Excuse me. I'm gonna go do some Batman-ing. 710 00:38:54,660 --> 00:38:56,160 Do you need any... Can I help? 711 00:38:59,630 --> 00:39:02,000 Oh, it's hard to pick up with gloves. There you go. 712 00:39:02,210 --> 00:39:04,710 Excuse me, sweetie. How you doing. You mind fucking off for a little bit? 713 00:39:04,710 --> 00:39:06,420 Thank you. I appreciate it. Thanks. 714 00:39:06,420 --> 00:39:07,720 - See you later, citizen. - How dare you! 715 00:39:07,720 --> 00:39:10,720 You son of a bitch! Where's the bomb, you fat fucker? 716 00:39:11,220 --> 00:39:13,430 - Hey! Asshole! - Oh, shit. 717 00:39:13,640 --> 00:39:15,560 What do you think you are? Some big man? 718 00:39:15,560 --> 00:39:17,480 Picking on a little fat guy? 719 00:39:17,480 --> 00:39:19,650 Take it easy! That's the Penguin. That's what I do. 720 00:39:20,480 --> 00:39:21,730 Why didn't you call me? 721 00:39:21,730 --> 00:39:22,980 I... No... I... 722 00:39:22,980 --> 00:39:24,730 You said that you were gonna call me. 723 00:39:25,030 --> 00:39:28,570 Wait a minute. Did I not? I know I dialed a number... Did I not hit "send"? 724 00:39:29,360 --> 00:39:32,990 You said that you were gonna stick by me no matter what happened. 725 00:39:33,490 --> 00:39:38,080 And then your little Bat-condom breaks, and then you just disappear! 726 00:39:38,080 --> 00:39:42,460 Do you know what it's like going to Planned Parenthood by yourself, 727 00:39:42,750 --> 00:39:44,500 when you're Wonder Woman? 728 00:39:44,750 --> 00:39:46,500 Okay. Not very romantic talk. 729 00:39:46,510 --> 00:39:49,220 Roe v. Wade here at a speed dating situation. 730 00:39:49,470 --> 00:39:52,340 Uh, look, I was fighting crime! Ask Robin. Robin, vouch for me. 731 00:39:52,340 --> 00:39:54,600 - He cries after sex. Do you know that? - Why would I know that? 732 00:39:54,600 --> 00:39:57,560 Like a baby. After sex, what do you say? 733 00:39:57,560 --> 00:40:00,600 "Oh, my soul's so dark." Because you saw some bats... 734 00:40:00,600 --> 00:40:02,560 when you were little? You pussy! 735 00:40:02,560 --> 00:40:05,480 Attention, Gotham City speed daters: 736 00:40:06,610 --> 00:40:08,190 How the fuck did he get over there? 737 00:40:08,190 --> 00:40:11,280 It was all a clever ruse. I'm not speed dating. 738 00:40:11,280 --> 00:40:13,280 Some of you should remember I'm happily married. 739 00:40:13,700 --> 00:40:15,740 - That's right! - You were all there at the wedding. 740 00:40:15,740 --> 00:40:17,990 - Okay, bomb strapped to my chest. - Oh, yes. In any case, 741 00:40:18,000 --> 00:40:20,250 you all have to give me some unimaginable sum of money... 742 00:40:20,250 --> 00:40:22,580 or else I'm going to blow up Supergirl with this bomb. 743 00:40:24,460 --> 00:40:26,290 Dat dat dat dat! The detonator is in this umbrella. 744 00:40:26,300 --> 00:40:27,630 - Cool it. - No, you cool it. 745 00:40:28,630 --> 00:40:30,630 My non-monocled eye! Where are you? 746 00:40:30,630 --> 00:40:31,760 Disarm! 747 00:40:33,050 --> 00:40:34,260 Yes! 748 00:40:36,640 --> 00:40:38,390 - Are you okay? - I think so. 749 00:40:38,810 --> 00:40:41,020 You saved my life! 750 00:40:41,600 --> 00:40:43,060 Just-Just doing my job. 751 00:40:44,020 --> 00:40:45,440 Kiss. Kiss her. 752 00:40:47,070 --> 00:40:49,030 Open her mouth and touch tongues. 753 00:40:54,070 --> 00:40:56,030 Put your tongue inside her mouth... 754 00:40:56,030 --> 00:40:58,620 and that'll coax her tongue to go into your mouth! 755 00:41:00,450 --> 00:41:03,040 Yeah! You, uh, squeeze her boobies. 756 00:41:03,120 --> 00:41:04,670 Yeah, and touch her butt. 757 00:41:06,040 --> 00:41:08,050 - Doesn't that look nice? - It looks so nice. 758 00:41:08,250 --> 00:41:11,050 Oh, yeah. Hold on! Not so fast! 759 00:41:14,590 --> 00:41:16,050 Oh, God! 760 00:41:16,050 --> 00:41:17,470 - Riddler! - Riddler! 761 00:41:18,350 --> 00:41:20,430 That is right! The Riddler! 762 00:41:20,770 --> 00:41:24,640 In a diabolical scheme to get Robin and me to this speed date to stop a bomb, 763 00:41:24,650 --> 00:41:29,650 only to lure Robin away to some seedy warehouse... 764 00:41:29,650 --> 00:41:33,440 where you're gonna hang him above a vat filled with thumbtacks... 765 00:41:33,450 --> 00:41:35,660 or lizards or some fucking bullshit! 766 00:41:36,450 --> 00:41:37,700 Well it didn't work, muchacho! 767 00:41:37,700 --> 00:41:39,330 That was amazing. How did you do that? 768 00:41:39,330 --> 00:41:41,370 I mean, how'd you know that she was a fake? 769 00:41:41,370 --> 00:41:43,160 Bush that size is only good for one thing, 770 00:41:43,160 --> 00:41:45,710 and that one thing is hidin' the wang! You know what I'm saying? 771 00:41:45,710 --> 00:41:47,790 Wait. Let me get this straight. So you knew all the way back then? 772 00:41:47,790 --> 00:41:49,710 - You knew that she was a dude? - Whole time. 773 00:41:49,710 --> 00:41:51,550 Wh... Why'd you make me kiss her? 774 00:41:51,550 --> 00:41:53,510 Him. This. 775 00:41:53,550 --> 00:41:54,590 I don't know. 776 00:41:54,590 --> 00:41:57,680 I guess I woke up this morning with a little case of the fuck-arounds. 777 00:41:58,100 --> 00:42:00,100 You know I'm just having fun. My buddy! Woo! 778 00:42:19,740 --> 00:42:21,200 Remember this? 779 00:42:22,540 --> 00:42:23,700 Ugly isn't it? 780 00:42:30,130 --> 00:42:31,710 But think how they feel. 781 00:42:32,960 --> 00:42:35,970 Working without thanks to make your life better. 782 00:42:47,730 --> 00:42:51,360 Lonely, unloved, hurt. 783 00:42:57,740 --> 00:43:01,160 Physical, verbal, emotional abuse... 784 00:43:01,740 --> 00:43:03,990 to get what we want done. 785 00:43:07,500 --> 00:43:09,710 Can't you see they're doing their best? 786 00:43:17,220 --> 00:43:19,720 They're not trying to take over your world. 787 00:43:19,720 --> 00:43:22,970 They're just trying to find a little place in your hearts. 788 00:43:23,720 --> 00:43:28,020 Remember, machines, they're full of kids. 789 00:43:35,570 --> 00:43:36,990 Dude, click the button. 790 00:43:38,150 --> 00:43:39,490 Do not click the button. 791 00:43:40,240 --> 00:43:42,990 - Who the fuck are you? - I am the Minotaur. 792 00:43:43,200 --> 00:43:45,030 You are in my maze. 793 00:43:45,040 --> 00:43:47,200 Do you know where we can find Movie 43? 794 00:43:47,200 --> 00:43:50,250 Movie 43? Movie 43? 795 00:43:50,750 --> 00:43:55,170 Are you prepared to have your brains butchered into tiny pieces? 796 00:43:55,250 --> 00:44:00,050 Are you prepared to have a starving rat nibble out your eyeballs, 797 00:44:00,090 --> 00:44:05,100 and then have the holes fucked by angry, thick-dicked wolves? 798 00:44:05,100 --> 00:44:08,230 Dude, calm down. I think you're- I think you're just confused. 799 00:44:08,640 --> 00:44:11,270 We're-we're talking about Movie 43. You've never heard of that. 800 00:44:12,020 --> 00:44:14,190 Oh, yeah. She's here. 801 00:44:14,650 --> 00:44:17,030 I think we have a connection. 802 00:44:19,280 --> 00:44:22,610 It is the one movie that can bring down society as we know it. 803 00:44:22,610 --> 00:44:25,490 No, dude. That's something different. I guarantee it. 804 00:44:25,490 --> 00:44:30,040 I have taken a vow to keep anybody from viewing this film. 805 00:44:30,040 --> 00:44:31,080 Dude, dude. 806 00:44:31,080 --> 00:44:34,460 This guy's for real. He's protected by firewalls I've never even seen. 807 00:44:34,710 --> 00:44:36,040 We gotta click this button. 808 00:44:36,040 --> 00:44:38,550 Do not click the button. 809 00:44:39,300 --> 00:44:41,260 Do not click the... 810 00:44:42,550 --> 00:44:43,720 Suck it! 811 00:44:53,100 --> 00:44:57,110 Tyler De Soto. Fifteen. Port St. Lucie, Florida. 812 00:44:57,270 --> 00:44:59,070 He only lost a finger. 813 00:45:05,280 --> 00:45:06,490 It's horrific. 814 00:45:07,490 --> 00:45:10,080 I'm still not seeing what the problem is, though. 815 00:45:10,080 --> 00:45:11,120 Brian? 816 00:45:11,250 --> 00:45:15,290 The iBabe has an advanced 3.2 gigahertz processor. 817 00:45:15,330 --> 00:45:18,670 We left an opening for a vent and then we placed a highly-efficient, 818 00:45:18,670 --> 00:45:23,430 super powerful micro-fan in the opening. 819 00:45:24,130 --> 00:45:27,260 - And? - The vent is in her, 820 00:45:27,260 --> 00:45:28,300 Lower quadrant. 821 00:45:28,310 --> 00:45:30,060 Vagi-port. 822 00:45:30,060 --> 00:45:31,680 - Vagina. - Vagi-port. 823 00:45:31,680 --> 00:45:33,140 The vent is in the vagina. 824 00:45:33,140 --> 00:45:35,600 A certain percentage of our younger demographic... 825 00:45:35,600 --> 00:45:39,150 are sticking their you-know-what in the vent. 826 00:45:40,070 --> 00:45:41,150 No, I don't know what. 827 00:45:41,150 --> 00:45:43,570 Kids are sticking their penises in the vent. 828 00:45:44,070 --> 00:45:46,740 The fan then mangles their penises. 829 00:45:47,120 --> 00:45:48,120 Disgusting! 830 00:45:48,120 --> 00:45:50,530 Sir, the iBabe is a... 831 00:45:50,540 --> 00:45:53,120 High fidelity music player. 832 00:45:53,120 --> 00:45:56,540 Yes, it also looks and feels exactly like a naked woman. 833 00:45:57,380 --> 00:46:01,590 Teenage boys are physically attracted to naked women. 834 00:46:01,710 --> 00:46:04,130 Our research doesn't support that, sir. 835 00:46:04,170 --> 00:46:07,720 Look, at the very least, we need to put a warning sticker on the box. 836 00:46:08,350 --> 00:46:12,560 Other MP3 players don't have a warning not to have sex with it. Right? 837 00:46:13,350 --> 00:46:15,980 A bag of potato chips doesn't have a warning, 838 00:46:16,140 --> 00:46:18,610 “Please don't fuck these potato chips.” 839 00:46:19,190 --> 00:46:20,690 Am I crazy here? 840 00:46:21,150 --> 00:46:23,360 None of us could have seen this one coming. 841 00:46:23,400 --> 00:46:24,400 I did. 842 00:46:24,400 --> 00:46:26,570 Take it easy, Erin Brockovich. 843 00:46:29,120 --> 00:46:31,410 R and D team. You did extensive testing here. 844 00:46:31,410 --> 00:46:35,200 Did you anticipate anybody breaching the cooling system? Any red flags? 845 00:46:35,210 --> 00:46:36,370 Dave? 846 00:46:39,170 --> 00:46:43,760 Also, we've broken down our problem into three steps. 847 00:46:43,960 --> 00:46:46,970 Step 1: Kid buys iBabe. 848 00:46:48,340 --> 00:46:51,350 Step 2: Kid fucks iBabe. 849 00:46:52,180 --> 00:46:56,940 Step 3: Kid mangles dick and sues iBabe. 850 00:46:58,270 --> 00:47:03,610 Our goal is to eliminate step two and step three. 851 00:47:07,360 --> 00:47:09,780 Now I know what the problem is. 852 00:47:11,370 --> 00:47:14,950 Why don't we just move the fan? Why don't we just put it in her ear? 853 00:47:15,000 --> 00:47:16,790 No. No, no, no, no, no, sir. 854 00:47:17,410 --> 00:47:20,420 Uh, my team spent two years doing the impossible, 855 00:47:20,420 --> 00:47:24,210 and you're pretty much just telling us to go back and start from scratch. 856 00:47:24,210 --> 00:47:26,380 You know, to go fuck ourselves! 857 00:47:26,380 --> 00:47:30,220 Okay, look. The iBabe weighs over a hundred pounds, okay? 858 00:47:30,220 --> 00:47:33,180 It's basically illegal to take it out in public. 859 00:47:33,180 --> 00:47:36,310 Women's organizations are calling for the boycott of our entire company. 860 00:47:36,310 --> 00:47:40,980 Our stock is plummeting and kids' dicks are getting horribly mangled! 861 00:47:43,020 --> 00:47:44,400 Uh, come in, come in, come in. 862 00:47:44,440 --> 00:47:49,240 Sir, may I introduce you to the iBabe Special Edition. 863 00:47:49,240 --> 00:47:50,450 Oh, my God. 864 00:47:53,490 --> 00:47:56,410 Faster processing, double storage capacity, 865 00:47:56,410 --> 00:47:58,460 and how about that elegant finish. 866 00:48:00,290 --> 00:48:02,290 Just gorgeous. Gorgeous, gorgeous! 867 00:48:02,460 --> 00:48:04,170 - Congratulations! - Thank you. 868 00:48:04,170 --> 00:48:08,050 Finally we can give our customers a choice of color. 869 00:48:09,260 --> 00:48:12,430 Oh, my God. Just when I thought it couldn't get more offensive. 870 00:48:14,260 --> 00:48:16,010 Oh, for Christ's sake. 871 00:48:18,270 --> 00:48:19,480 Yeah. Now I understand. 872 00:48:33,780 --> 00:48:35,280 Enough! Enough! 873 00:48:35,450 --> 00:48:38,330 What do you want? Money? Women? 874 00:48:38,330 --> 00:48:41,250 Just stop looking for Movie 43. 875 00:48:41,460 --> 00:48:42,710 Hey! Who are you? 876 00:48:43,250 --> 00:48:46,290 Movie 43. Where is Movie 43? 877 00:48:46,290 --> 00:48:48,300 I don't know what you're talking about. 878 00:48:49,460 --> 00:48:51,630 Where is Movie 43? Don't lie! 879 00:48:51,630 --> 00:48:54,010 Get away from me! Get off me! No! 880 00:48:54,760 --> 00:48:56,300 The fuck, man! 881 00:48:58,060 --> 00:49:00,560 So you know where Movie 43 is. 882 00:49:00,560 --> 00:49:01,600 No! 883 00:49:01,600 --> 00:49:04,400 The movie that allows you to see into the future. 884 00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:06,560 No! It will destroy society! 885 00:49:06,570 --> 00:49:09,320 He will unleash the dead up in protocol! 886 00:49:09,530 --> 00:49:12,280 Did Stevie Schraeder tell you any of this? 887 00:49:12,320 --> 00:49:14,490 Who is this Stevie Schroeder? 888 00:49:14,740 --> 00:49:16,530 Who is Stevie Schroeder? 889 00:49:16,580 --> 00:49:20,330 - Who is this Stevie Schraeder? - I don't know Stevie Schraeder! 890 00:49:20,330 --> 00:49:21,500 - You lie! - What the fuck? 891 00:49:21,500 --> 00:49:23,080 Fuck you! 892 00:49:23,080 --> 00:49:25,620 Who is Stevie Schroeder? You tell me where Stevie Schroeder is! 893 00:49:25,630 --> 00:49:27,250 Who is this motherfucker? 894 00:49:27,250 --> 00:49:29,340 He's a kid in my fucking Driver's Ed class! 895 00:49:29,670 --> 00:49:34,340 You will find us Movie 43, J.J. and Baxter. 896 00:49:34,340 --> 00:49:35,800 What the fuck, man! 897 00:49:36,510 --> 00:49:38,260 Keep looking! 898 00:49:38,640 --> 00:49:40,770 - I'm looking! - Don't look! 899 00:49:42,770 --> 00:49:45,770 I'm, uh, RSVP-ing to Sammy's Bar Mitzvah. 900 00:49:46,440 --> 00:49:47,770 Yeah, me too. 901 00:49:48,440 --> 00:49:50,780 The party, not the service. 902 00:49:51,360 --> 00:49:54,360 My mom always makes me go to both. Sucks. 903 00:49:56,320 --> 00:49:57,370 Yeah. 904 00:50:16,380 --> 00:50:17,550 Yeah! 905 00:50:18,140 --> 00:50:21,220 Nathan on a date for once! 906 00:50:21,390 --> 00:50:23,560 Jesus, Mikey, shut up! 907 00:50:23,600 --> 00:50:27,150 What? Mom told me to watch you guys. I'm just doing my job. 908 00:50:28,150 --> 00:50:29,560 I mean it, Mikey. Leave! 909 00:50:31,480 --> 00:50:32,690 I'm watching you. 910 00:50:35,400 --> 00:50:37,410 Sorry, my brother's an idiot. 911 00:50:38,160 --> 00:50:39,490 Whatever. 912 00:50:43,750 --> 00:50:47,420 - You have a bathroom? - Totally. It's right back there. 913 00:50:58,430 --> 00:50:59,510 - Yuck! - Nathan? 914 00:51:01,470 --> 00:51:02,600 Nathan, I... 915 00:51:02,600 --> 00:51:05,640 My brother spilled fruit punch on the couch. There's a big red stain. 916 00:51:05,640 --> 00:51:07,520 I, I, um... I need to go. 917 00:51:08,140 --> 00:51:10,520 But you're not getting picked up for another half hour. 918 00:51:10,730 --> 00:51:13,020 Wanna sit and watch some more TV? 919 00:51:15,070 --> 00:51:18,660 Yeah. I'll... I'll just... I'll just watch it from back here. 920 00:51:20,160 --> 00:51:21,740 That's cool. I like standing. 921 00:51:24,450 --> 00:51:28,040 Whoa! Mikey spilled fruit punch on the wall, too! 922 00:51:28,460 --> 00:51:31,460 - My mom is gonna be so pissed! - Nathan, I really need to go! 923 00:51:31,460 --> 00:51:33,630 Hey, lovebirds, I hope I'm not... 924 00:51:33,630 --> 00:51:36,380 Holy shit, you are covered in blood! Oh, my God! 925 00:51:36,380 --> 00:51:38,050 - What? - Oh, my God! 926 00:51:38,050 --> 00:51:39,720 - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! 927 00:51:39,720 --> 00:51:42,470 Oh, my God! You must've s-sat on a nail or something! 928 00:51:42,470 --> 00:51:45,100 - You idiot! She's having her period! - Oh, my God! 929 00:51:45,470 --> 00:51:46,730 What do I do? 930 00:51:47,060 --> 00:51:48,770 You don't know what to do? You've never had your period before? 931 00:51:48,770 --> 00:51:51,020 - No, I haven't. - Oh, my God, 932 00:51:51,020 --> 00:51:52,620 Mikey, she's already lost a lot of blood! 933 00:51:53,480 --> 00:51:54,820 Okay. Um, you know what? 934 00:51:54,820 --> 00:51:56,820 Mom's gotta have some tampons around here somewhere, right? 935 00:51:56,820 --> 00:51:59,070 Oh, my God! This is not happening! 936 00:51:59,070 --> 00:52:00,570 Fuck! You are way skinnier than Mom! 937 00:52:00,570 --> 00:52:02,490 There... There's no way they're gonna fit you! 938 00:52:02,490 --> 00:52:04,070 Look, I'm just gonna walk home! 939 00:52:04,080 --> 00:52:06,490 No, no, no, no! You can't walk home in your condition, silly! 940 00:52:06,580 --> 00:52:08,080 Mikey, hurry! 941 00:52:08,080 --> 00:52:11,040 There's just plastic bags! I don't know what the fuck you want me to do! 942 00:52:12,210 --> 00:52:13,250 - What? - Wipe yourself! 943 00:52:13,250 --> 00:52:15,000 Hey, hey, hey! Guys, I'm home early. 944 00:52:15,000 --> 00:52:16,250 Dad, help us! 945 00:52:16,590 --> 00:52:18,670 Pardon me, I'm Nathan's father, Steve. 946 00:52:19,260 --> 00:52:22,470 Oh, we're just gonna have to plug it up. I found this and this. 947 00:52:22,470 --> 00:52:23,750 All right, what's going on here? 948 00:52:25,510 --> 00:52:27,770 Nathan's date is on her period for the first time, 949 00:52:27,770 --> 00:52:29,520 and she's bleeding everywhere! 950 00:52:29,520 --> 00:52:30,520 - Oh, disgusting. - What? 951 00:52:30,520 --> 00:52:32,270 I mean, congratulations, young lady. 952 00:52:32,270 --> 00:52:34,520 "Congratulations"? She's bleeding to death! 953 00:52:34,520 --> 00:52:36,520 Oh, my God! My stomach hurts! 954 00:52:36,520 --> 00:52:38,230 She's having contractions! 955 00:52:38,230 --> 00:52:40,070 No! Oh, no! 956 00:52:40,740 --> 00:52:42,030 All right. 957 00:52:42,030 --> 00:52:45,530 9-1-1? Yeah, my friend is bleeding out of her vagina! 958 00:52:45,530 --> 00:52:46,530 Nathan, Nathan, listen! 959 00:52:46,580 --> 00:52:48,620 Why are you laughing at me? 960 00:52:49,040 --> 00:52:52,460 It's just... it's... The... The lining of Amanda's... 961 00:52:52,750 --> 00:52:55,500 internal organs just spilling out of her. 962 00:52:56,130 --> 00:52:57,500 Oh, my God! 963 00:52:57,750 --> 00:52:59,550 Look, I'm not dying! 964 00:52:59,550 --> 00:53:01,550 I got frozen peas and a sponge! 965 00:53:01,800 --> 00:53:03,760 If you wanna keep the lining intact, 966 00:53:03,760 --> 00:53:08,060 the man has to insert his erect phallus into her vagina. 967 00:53:08,060 --> 00:53:10,270 - A what? - You know what? I got a perfect thing. 968 00:53:11,560 --> 00:53:13,140 Maxi pad on a stick. 969 00:53:13,140 --> 00:53:15,560 Oh, my God! I wanna kill myself! 970 00:53:15,650 --> 00:53:17,270 Hello! Hey, baby, you ready? 971 00:53:18,570 --> 00:53:20,280 - What the hell's going on here? - Dad! 972 00:53:20,280 --> 00:53:21,320 Oh, my God! Honey! 973 00:53:21,570 --> 00:53:24,570 What the hell kind of sick family squashes a large tomato... 974 00:53:24,570 --> 00:53:26,120 on my daughter's pants? 975 00:53:26,410 --> 00:53:28,660 Whoa. Watch what you're implying about my family. 976 00:53:28,660 --> 00:53:30,790 Oh, I don't gotta watch anything, Jack! 977 00:53:31,330 --> 00:53:33,580 - Yeah? - Yeah! 978 00:53:33,670 --> 00:53:34,750 - You touching me? - Yeah, yeah, bitch, yeah! 979 00:53:34,750 --> 00:53:36,210 - You touching me? - You're not to touch me! 980 00:53:36,210 --> 00:53:38,090 - Let's go, bitch! - Let's go! 981 00:53:39,340 --> 00:53:41,590 Sucker punch him! Sucker punch him in the throat! 982 00:53:43,680 --> 00:53:45,590 Everybody shut up! 983 00:53:47,260 --> 00:53:50,350 Look, I'm just a regular seventh-grade girl getting my period, 984 00:53:50,350 --> 00:53:53,270 and it really sucks that it had to be in front of all you idiots. 985 00:53:55,600 --> 00:53:58,610 Dad, call Mom and tell her to meet us at home. 986 00:54:03,610 --> 00:54:05,530 She's got her period? 987 00:54:06,660 --> 00:54:08,120 So disgusting. 988 00:54:08,700 --> 00:54:11,290 You don't have a camping tarp I could borrow, do you? 989 00:54:12,290 --> 00:54:13,620 Sorry about all that. 990 00:54:14,710 --> 00:54:16,460 Hey, honey, don't sit in the car! 991 00:54:17,630 --> 00:54:20,210 Vagina is way too complicated! 992 00:54:20,630 --> 00:54:22,130 Yeah, no shit. 993 00:54:24,380 --> 00:54:25,720 Really? 994 00:54:29,550 --> 00:54:30,720 Dad, that was epic! 995 00:54:32,350 --> 00:54:35,560 I've been trying to push that puppy out since this morning's conference call. 996 00:54:35,600 --> 00:54:38,400 Woo! I gotta take a massive dump, and then we're watching the game. 997 00:54:38,400 --> 00:54:39,730 - Yeah. - Yes! 998 00:54:47,700 --> 00:54:49,070 Oh, nice! 999 00:55:17,980 --> 00:55:19,380 Come on, come on, come on, come on. 1000 00:55:19,440 --> 00:55:20,650 Look who we found. 1001 00:55:22,690 --> 00:55:23,690 J.J.? 1002 00:55:24,650 --> 00:55:26,990 - Stevie Schraeder? - I freaking told you. 1003 00:55:26,990 --> 00:55:28,700 Wh... What the fuck! How'd he get there? 1004 00:55:28,700 --> 00:55:31,450 Stevie, tell them about Movie 43! 1005 00:55:31,450 --> 00:55:34,990 What's Movie 43? They keep asking me that. 1006 00:55:34,990 --> 00:55:37,460 - Cut off Stevie Schraeder's finger. - What! 1007 00:55:37,540 --> 00:55:39,710 No, don't cut off Stevie Schraeder's finger! 1008 00:55:39,710 --> 00:55:42,460 Don't cut off Stevie Schraeder's finger! Please! 1009 00:55:42,460 --> 00:55:44,250 Movie 43 isn't real. 1010 00:55:44,250 --> 00:55:46,460 It's just something Calvin and I made up to prank you! 1011 00:55:46,460 --> 00:55:48,130 Well, apparently it is real, 1012 00:55:48,130 --> 00:55:50,640 and we need to find it or else your stupid friend dies! 1013 00:55:50,970 --> 00:55:53,680 - Unless... - Unless what? Unless what? 1014 00:55:54,220 --> 00:55:56,720 I can fashion a ninety-one-F-Theta Box. 1015 00:55:56,720 --> 00:55:59,020 No. Not the Theta Box. Please! Do not do that! 1016 00:55:59,020 --> 00:56:01,730 Go! Make a Theta Box, dude. Whatever that is. 1017 00:56:01,730 --> 00:56:03,400 Okay. Don't wait for me. 1018 00:56:05,230 --> 00:56:07,690 Movie 43. Wh... Where is it? Where is it? 1019 00:56:13,030 --> 00:56:14,740 Go fuck yourself, asshole! 1020 00:56:15,740 --> 00:56:17,250 Don't do this. 1021 00:56:17,330 --> 00:56:20,290 Brian, we're best friends, man. You can't move out. 1022 00:56:20,500 --> 00:56:21,750 You fucked my girlfriend, dude. 1023 00:56:21,750 --> 00:56:23,330 One time. 1024 00:56:23,750 --> 00:56:25,210 For a week. 1025 00:56:25,210 --> 00:56:27,170 - What? - But I want to make it up to you. 1026 00:56:27,710 --> 00:56:29,420 Can I fuck your girlfriend? 1027 00:56:30,050 --> 00:56:32,010 Yes, but she broke up with me... 1028 00:56:32,010 --> 00:56:33,760 when she found out I slept with your girlfriend... 1029 00:56:33,760 --> 00:56:35,390 so I can't arrange it. 1030 00:56:35,680 --> 00:56:39,310 But Brian, I got you something. 1031 00:56:40,020 --> 00:56:43,480 Best birthday present ever. You are going to love this. 1032 00:56:44,520 --> 00:56:47,190 - Is this really necessary? - Trust me. 1033 00:56:49,110 --> 00:56:51,610 It's better if it's a... 1034 00:56:51,780 --> 00:56:55,280 One, two, three, surprise! 1035 00:56:59,580 --> 00:57:02,040 I know, right, buddy? Happy birthday. 1036 00:57:02,120 --> 00:57:03,710 You kidnapped an Irish midget. 1037 00:57:03,710 --> 00:57:06,130 No, I caught you a leprechaun. 1038 00:57:06,130 --> 00:57:08,050 Moron. There's no such thing as leprechauns. 1039 00:57:08,710 --> 00:57:10,210 Dude, watch this. 1040 00:57:11,470 --> 00:57:12,510 Hey, little buddy. 1041 00:57:12,510 --> 00:57:16,140 Tell my friend you're going to give us a big pot of gold. 1042 00:57:16,760 --> 00:57:19,560 I'm going to cut off your balls and feed them to you! 1043 00:57:19,560 --> 00:57:20,810 Good Lord. 1044 00:57:21,770 --> 00:57:25,730 He's just joking. He's got to give us the gold. That's the rules. Right? 1045 00:57:25,730 --> 00:57:29,360 The last thing you'll ever see is my cock, skull-fucking you! 1046 00:57:32,650 --> 00:57:34,280 Let me ask him again. 1047 00:57:37,030 --> 00:57:39,040 Give us the fucking gold! 1048 00:57:40,040 --> 00:57:41,240 Do you want the lights on or off... 1049 00:57:41,250 --> 00:57:43,580 when I fuck you with a pair of rusty scissors? 1050 00:57:45,120 --> 00:57:47,580 Stop, stop! Chill! Chill! 1051 00:57:47,590 --> 00:57:50,590 What are you doing? You're going to kill him! 1052 00:57:50,590 --> 00:57:54,130 Watch out! Relax! I'll handle this, okay? I'll handle this. 1053 00:57:57,260 --> 00:57:59,640 Hey, Mr. Leprechaun. 1054 00:58:02,100 --> 00:58:04,100 I am super sorry about this. 1055 00:58:04,100 --> 00:58:05,600 It's just a misunderstanding, 1056 00:58:05,600 --> 00:58:09,770 so what I'm going to do... is untie you and let you go. 1057 00:58:10,610 --> 00:58:12,030 How does that sound? 1058 00:58:13,110 --> 00:58:15,070 Okay... but first... 1059 00:58:16,320 --> 00:58:20,030 Lick my crusty Irish taint, you yeast-breeding cunt hole! 1060 00:58:20,790 --> 00:58:23,710 Die! Die, you little magical fuck! 1061 00:58:24,120 --> 00:58:26,790 Whoa, stop! Stop! Think! 1062 00:58:26,790 --> 00:58:29,380 If he's dead, he can't tell us where the gold is! 1063 00:58:29,380 --> 00:58:33,630 Fucking giants. Motherfucking full-growns! 1064 00:58:34,130 --> 00:58:37,300 When all this is over, I'm going to crawl up your mother's cunt... 1065 00:58:37,300 --> 00:58:39,090 and start a fucking campfire! 1066 00:58:39,100 --> 00:58:43,060 Hey! No! Shut up! You can't do anything... 1067 00:58:43,060 --> 00:58:46,180 because you're tiny and tied to a chair, and nobody knows where you are. 1068 00:58:46,190 --> 00:58:47,310 No one! 1069 00:58:48,730 --> 00:58:50,520 I wouldn't bet on that. 1070 00:58:50,980 --> 00:58:52,230 Who's calling? 1071 00:58:54,110 --> 00:58:55,150 Hello? 1072 00:58:55,150 --> 00:58:57,570 So this is what a dead man sounds like. 1073 00:58:57,570 --> 00:58:59,530 - It's another leprechaun. - Fuck! 1074 00:58:59,530 --> 00:59:00,990 If that's my brother... 1075 00:59:00,990 --> 00:59:04,450 prepare to have your dickhole stretched over a fucking fire hydrant! 1076 00:59:04,450 --> 00:59:07,000 - What's wrong with your fucking mouth? - Gag him. 1077 00:59:07,000 --> 00:59:08,080 Your balls... 1078 00:59:09,170 --> 00:59:10,380 Listen, Cookie O' Puss... 1079 00:59:10,380 --> 00:59:14,090 I got a leprechaun and I want some gold or we're going to kill him. 1080 00:59:14,090 --> 00:59:16,970 How do you feel about having your balls cut off? 1081 00:59:17,260 --> 00:59:19,390 Jeez, they're so into balls. 1082 00:59:19,680 --> 00:59:22,180 I'm serious. You better make with the gold... 1083 00:59:22,180 --> 00:59:25,100 or your little green man will be pushing up four-leaf clovers! 1084 00:59:25,100 --> 00:59:26,980 That was so good. You sounded so tough. 1085 00:59:27,390 --> 00:59:28,690 Okay. 1086 00:59:30,440 --> 00:59:31,980 What did he say? 1087 00:59:32,690 --> 00:59:34,190 He said "Okay." 1088 00:59:35,740 --> 00:59:38,200 No way. How did he get here so fast? 1089 00:59:57,130 --> 00:59:58,220 Sweet! 1090 01:00:03,220 --> 01:00:06,470 - Gold coins! - Gold! 1091 01:00:09,520 --> 01:00:12,060 'Happy birthday, dude! - Holy crap! 1092 01:00:12,190 --> 01:00:14,190 So, we get the gold and we keep this little fucker? 1093 01:00:14,320 --> 01:00:17,280 Did you hear that? Looks like your lucky charms just ran out. 1094 01:00:17,990 --> 01:00:20,450 Who's magically delicious now, bitch? 1095 01:00:21,160 --> 01:00:22,700 What? Did you say something? 1096 01:00:22,700 --> 01:00:26,240 I couldn't hear you over my giant pot of leprechaun gold! 1097 01:00:27,200 --> 01:00:28,540 Top o' the morning, ladies! 1098 01:00:31,330 --> 01:00:34,460 - He shot me in the eye! - He shot me in my nipples! 1099 01:00:36,050 --> 01:00:38,170 I'm half goddamn blind! 1100 01:00:39,470 --> 01:00:41,260 Taste Celtic steel! 1101 01:00:43,180 --> 01:00:45,260 That's right, brother! Fuck him up good! 1102 01:00:45,260 --> 01:00:48,180 This is what happens when you take a leprechaun's gold! 1103 01:00:48,180 --> 01:00:51,100 Stab him with your leprechaun knife! Cut off his balls! 1104 01:00:51,100 --> 01:00:52,520 Go leprechauns! 1105 01:00:52,520 --> 01:00:55,110 - Walk to the rainbow. - What? 1106 01:00:55,110 --> 01:00:58,280 - Cut off his balls! - Help! Pete! Help! 1107 01:00:58,280 --> 01:01:01,240 I'm going to mangle your balls! 1108 01:01:01,240 --> 01:01:03,660 Shoot him! Shoot the fucking leprechaun! 1109 01:01:04,700 --> 01:01:07,280 You moron! Not that leprechaun! This leprechaun! 1110 01:01:07,290 --> 01:01:10,120 Tell St. Patty you like it up the ass! 1111 01:01:17,210 --> 01:01:18,300 What now? 1112 01:01:21,300 --> 01:01:22,720 Not much to these guys. 1113 01:01:22,720 --> 01:01:24,720 Yeah. I thought they'd be bigger. 1114 01:01:25,300 --> 01:01:27,760 Hey, Pete, I just want to say thank you. 1115 01:01:28,140 --> 01:01:31,270 - Yeah, it is a lot of gold. - Nah, it's more than gold. 1116 01:01:31,310 --> 01:01:33,390 Catching that leprechaun must have been hard work. 1117 01:01:33,390 --> 01:01:36,310 Something that only a true friend would do for me. 1118 01:01:36,480 --> 01:01:39,570 Yeah, well, I should have never slept with your girlfriend. 1119 01:01:39,730 --> 01:01:42,320 Whatever. We can buy new girlfriends. 1120 01:01:43,150 --> 01:01:46,280 Dude, I totally forgot the second part of your gift! 1121 01:01:46,280 --> 01:01:47,280 Really? 1122 01:01:53,790 --> 01:01:57,170 - Who is she? - She's a fairy. Storybook fairy. 1123 01:01:58,540 --> 01:02:01,050 What the hell am I supposed to do with a fairy? 1124 01:02:01,170 --> 01:02:03,510 I suck cock for gold coins. 1125 01:02:07,600 --> 01:02:09,180 J.J., make some space! 1126 01:02:11,600 --> 01:02:14,270 - What can I do? - I need metal. Right now! Go! 1127 01:02:15,350 --> 01:02:17,360 Use your Tinker Toys. 1128 01:02:17,730 --> 01:02:21,610 - Trophies! Spoons! - Stop yelling at me! I'll do it! 1129 01:02:25,280 --> 01:02:28,410 - Right. - I'm go. Initiate sequence. 1130 01:02:28,410 --> 01:02:29,660 Is this going to work? 1131 01:02:29,660 --> 01:02:30,700 It better! 1132 01:02:32,540 --> 01:02:33,700 Here we go! 1133 01:02:35,370 --> 01:02:36,710 How do you do this? 1134 01:02:38,670 --> 01:02:40,340 We're getting close! 1135 01:02:40,590 --> 01:02:41,670 Yeah? 1136 01:02:44,130 --> 01:02:45,720 Yes, we're getting very close! 1137 01:02:47,970 --> 01:02:49,760 Uno marguerita, por favor? 1138 01:02:50,100 --> 01:02:51,180 You want salt? 1139 01:02:51,350 --> 01:02:52,560 Sí, bueno. 1140 01:02:53,350 --> 01:02:56,390 - And for you? - Whynatte and rum, please. 1141 01:02:56,390 --> 01:02:57,560 Got it. 1142 01:02:58,190 --> 01:03:00,350 Do you mind me asking a question? It may seem personal. 1143 01:03:00,560 --> 01:03:05,150 I'm quite surprised that a lady with your face needs to resort to... 1144 01:03:05,150 --> 01:03:06,400 - Match dot com? - Right. 1145 01:03:06,570 --> 01:03:11,370 Truth is, I have completely exhausted all of my options. 1146 01:03:11,370 --> 01:03:12,410 - Really? - Yeah. 1147 01:03:12,410 --> 01:03:14,740 Oh, dear. That's a shame. And are you from the area? 1148 01:03:14,750 --> 01:03:16,410 No. Let's not do that, okay? 1149 01:03:16,410 --> 01:03:18,420 I've been on so many blind dates in the past year, 1150 01:03:18,420 --> 01:03:19,710 and they're all the same. 1151 01:03:20,210 --> 01:03:22,170 "Where are you from? What does your sister do? 1152 01:03:22,170 --> 01:03:23,250 What does your father..." Blah, blah, blah. 1153 01:03:23,250 --> 01:03:25,260 Do you really care if my father is a garbage man? 1154 01:03:25,260 --> 01:03:27,260 - Is your father a garbage man? - No, he's not! That's the point. 1155 01:03:27,260 --> 01:03:28,680 - Who cares? - Not important. 1156 01:03:28,680 --> 01:03:32,390 So let's not do that. Let's have this date be different. 1157 01:03:32,390 --> 01:03:35,390 - Let's talk about real things, okay? - Great. 1158 01:03:35,390 --> 01:03:38,190 - Real, straight conversations. - I'm all about that. 1159 01:03:39,400 --> 01:03:41,110 So what does your father do for a living? 1160 01:03:43,440 --> 01:03:46,240 Okay. Let's play a game. 1161 01:03:46,440 --> 01:03:48,150 - Okay. - Have you played Truth or Dare? 1162 01:03:48,150 --> 01:03:49,610 I haven't played it, but I'm aware of it. 1163 01:03:49,610 --> 01:03:53,200 Well, you start first. You ask me, "Truth or Dare." 1164 01:03:53,450 --> 01:03:55,240 - Truth or Dare? - Truth. 1165 01:03:55,450 --> 01:04:00,290 Is there any possibility in this noble cosmos... 1166 01:04:00,290 --> 01:04:04,500 or any alternative parallel cosmos where you might... 1167 01:04:05,300 --> 01:04:08,050 Is there any chance I'm your type? 1168 01:04:10,470 --> 01:04:12,430 Yeah. Yeah. You're tall. 1169 01:04:12,970 --> 01:04:14,720 - And that's good? - I like tall. 1170 01:04:15,430 --> 01:04:16,470 Okay, Truth or Dare? 1171 01:04:16,470 --> 01:04:17,520 Truth? 1172 01:04:18,230 --> 01:04:22,270 I knew you'd say that. I am going to push the limits just a little bit. 1173 01:04:23,060 --> 01:04:26,230 - Are you circumcised? - Am I circumcised? 1174 01:04:26,280 --> 01:04:28,030 That's personal. 1175 01:04:29,150 --> 01:04:32,410 Circumcision has never really taken off, to be honest, where I'm from. 1176 01:04:32,410 --> 01:04:35,700 It's not... it's not the vogue. 1177 01:04:36,290 --> 01:04:38,500 I tend to associate it with Jewish people... 1178 01:04:39,000 --> 01:04:41,290 and we don't have many Jewish people in Europe anymore... 1179 01:04:41,290 --> 01:04:44,000 because of the... trouble. 1180 01:04:44,000 --> 01:04:46,050 So, no, I'm not. 1181 01:04:46,500 --> 01:04:49,340 But if you would need me to get circumcised, I'm sure I could. 1182 01:04:50,510 --> 01:04:52,720 - Truth or Dare? - Truth. 1183 01:04:53,050 --> 01:04:55,350 When was the last time you kissed a man? 1184 01:04:55,350 --> 01:04:59,480 Twenty-six days ago in an alley behind a Pilates studio. Truth or Dare? 1185 01:05:00,270 --> 01:05:01,690 Dare. I'm going to go with a Dare. 1186 01:05:02,270 --> 01:05:05,730 Here we go. Now we're cooking. Okay. 1187 01:05:06,110 --> 01:05:09,780 I dare you to go over there. 1188 01:05:10,490 --> 01:05:13,530 See that man with the black jacket? The husky guy? 1189 01:05:13,530 --> 01:05:16,320 I dare you to go and pinch his ass. 1190 01:05:16,330 --> 01:05:18,490 - Do what now? - Just cup it. 1191 01:05:18,490 --> 01:05:20,040 Grab his cheeks and cup it. 1192 01:05:21,040 --> 01:05:22,330 - No. - Yeah. 1193 01:05:22,330 --> 01:05:24,790 You said Dare, not me. That's what Dare is. 1194 01:05:24,790 --> 01:05:26,710 - Have a look at him. He's quite... - I see him. 1195 01:05:26,710 --> 01:05:28,500 Go back there and cup his ass. 1196 01:05:28,500 --> 01:05:29,500 He's quite a stocky man. 1197 01:05:29,510 --> 01:05:31,590 - He might have a knife. - I don't even have to be here. 1198 01:05:31,590 --> 01:05:34,260 I can go home and watch Family Guy if you don't want to play. 1199 01:05:34,260 --> 01:05:35,300 I'll get the check. Excuse me! 1200 01:05:35,300 --> 01:05:36,760 - Can I have the check? - She doesn't need the check. 1201 01:05:36,760 --> 01:05:38,060 She's joking. 1202 01:05:38,310 --> 01:05:40,310 - Then go cup his ass. - Okay, I will. 1203 01:05:49,480 --> 01:05:54,110 I call him, and he never answers the phone. I'm sick of it. 1204 01:05:54,320 --> 01:05:56,530 - Go pay him a visit. - You call him. 1205 01:05:59,080 --> 01:06:02,540 I'm sick and tired of it. It's... 1206 01:06:03,410 --> 01:06:05,540 - What the fuck? - I did. Sorry. 1207 01:06:05,540 --> 01:06:08,540 You touching my fucking ass! What's the matter with you! 1208 01:06:08,590 --> 01:06:11,590 - What do you mean, you? Fuck you! - Sorry. Sorry. 1209 01:06:11,590 --> 01:06:14,760 - You touch the wrong ass, asshole! - It's all good. 1210 01:06:14,760 --> 01:06:16,550 - What's the matter with you? - Sorry. Apologies. Sorry. 1211 01:06:16,760 --> 01:06:18,260 That was great! 1212 01:06:18,260 --> 01:06:20,390 Truth or Dare? Truth or Dare? 1213 01:06:20,390 --> 01:06:21,510 Wait a minute. Can I enjoy the... 1214 01:06:21,520 --> 01:06:23,640 Truth or Dare? Come on. 1215 01:06:23,770 --> 01:06:25,270 Okay. Dare. 1216 01:06:25,270 --> 01:06:27,060 Right. You go and cup his ass. 1217 01:06:27,060 --> 01:06:30,270 No. You can't dare me to do the same thing I just dared you to do. 1218 01:06:30,270 --> 01:06:32,280 - Truth or Dare. - Come up with your own dare. 1219 01:06:32,280 --> 01:06:33,320 Be original. 1220 01:06:34,610 --> 01:06:38,990 See that blind kid over there? Blow out his candles before he can. 1221 01:06:40,410 --> 01:06:43,120 I can't do that! That's cruel! 1222 01:06:43,120 --> 01:06:44,410 It's Truth or Dare. That's the rule. 1223 01:06:44,410 --> 01:06:47,080 I could take off if you want. I could go home. 1224 01:06:47,080 --> 01:06:49,630 I'll probably get home in time to put Benny Hill DVDs on. 1225 01:06:49,630 --> 01:06:52,130 - You're doing that? - It's up to you. 1226 01:06:52,420 --> 01:06:54,670 I'll go over there and blow out the candles, 1227 01:06:54,670 --> 01:06:56,220 but you need to know something. 1228 01:06:56,470 --> 01:06:57,590 This is war. 1229 01:06:59,010 --> 01:07:02,390 I wish it was my birthday So I could party, too 1230 01:07:02,600 --> 01:07:06,390 Happy, happy birthday May all your dreams come true 1231 01:07:07,480 --> 01:07:10,020 Happy, happy birthday From all of us to you 1232 01:07:10,020 --> 01:07:11,150 Hey! 1233 01:07:20,660 --> 01:07:23,040 Excuse me. I got $200. Can you give me the whole thing? 1234 01:07:43,640 --> 01:07:46,640 I dare you to make guacamole with your right breast. 1235 01:08:19,050 --> 01:08:21,680 "...elucidate several most important, however... 1236 01:08:22,050 --> 01:08:25,470 intricate passages and scenes hereafter to be painted." 1237 01:08:25,470 --> 01:08:28,430 Chapter 64: Stubb's Supper. 1238 01:08:28,480 --> 01:08:31,520 "Stubb's whale had been killed some distance from the ship." 1239 01:08:38,690 --> 01:08:41,490 When the swelling goes down, you're going to look great, Emily. 1240 01:08:42,360 --> 01:08:43,700 Thanks, sweetie. 1241 01:09:00,720 --> 01:09:04,340 - That was fun, huh? - Yes. I had a really great time. 1242 01:09:04,350 --> 01:09:05,470 Yeah? Me, too. 1243 01:09:05,720 --> 01:09:08,720 - It was definitely interesting. - Yeah. We did a lot. 1244 01:09:08,720 --> 01:09:11,730 Yes. Yeah. We did. We did. 1245 01:09:12,100 --> 01:09:13,560 - We did it up. - Yes. 1246 01:09:13,560 --> 01:09:16,520 It was enchanting. You're really a... 1247 01:09:17,730 --> 01:09:19,360 very delightful woman. 1248 01:09:19,530 --> 01:09:21,070 - Well, thank you. - Yeah. 1249 01:09:21,320 --> 01:09:22,490 So... Yeah. 1250 01:09:23,700 --> 01:09:27,280 This is that slightly awkward moment. 1251 01:09:27,700 --> 01:09:28,740 Well... 1252 01:09:29,580 --> 01:09:31,500 No. I'm sorry. 1253 01:09:32,080 --> 01:09:35,500 You're sweet, really, and I really did have a good time... 1254 01:09:35,500 --> 01:09:39,550 but I'm just not that attracted to Asian men. 1255 01:09:49,100 --> 01:09:51,560 Psych! Get in here, Yao Ming! 1256 01:09:51,770 --> 01:09:54,350 We don't want these puppies to go to waste. 1257 01:10:02,490 --> 01:10:03,610 Dude... 1258 01:10:04,240 --> 01:10:05,740 We're getting closer! 1259 01:10:07,320 --> 01:10:10,240 - I need one more! - I'm freaking out, man! 1260 01:10:19,960 --> 01:10:22,970 Terrapin Protocol initiated. 1261 01:10:23,970 --> 01:10:25,340 I have failed. 1262 01:10:25,340 --> 01:10:27,590 You have found Movie 43. 1263 01:10:27,590 --> 01:10:29,970 - What the fuck did you do? - Movie 43. 1264 01:10:30,970 --> 01:10:32,520 I used to be great cameraman in Russia. 1265 01:10:32,600 --> 01:10:34,770 Dude, what's up with the power? 1266 01:10:35,270 --> 01:10:36,980 Mission accomplished. 1267 01:10:36,980 --> 01:10:40,110 - We don't have much time. - You little shit! 1268 01:10:40,110 --> 01:10:41,650 We found Movie 43, buddy. 1269 01:10:43,530 --> 01:10:45,610 Good. We found it. 1270 01:10:47,660 --> 01:10:49,620 The fuck? Dude, that's you! 1271 01:10:49,620 --> 01:10:51,580 My name is Baxter Cutler. 1272 01:10:51,580 --> 01:10:54,660 It has been 141 days since The Darkness. 1273 01:10:54,660 --> 01:10:59,590 J.J., Calvin and Baxter, this is Movie 43! 1274 01:11:00,000 --> 01:11:03,420 You see, when you idiots made me search for Movie 43... 1275 01:11:03,420 --> 01:11:07,590 we triggered the Terrapin Protocol, the top-secret Cold War initiative... 1276 01:11:07,590 --> 01:11:10,050 to control the mind of every American citizen. 1277 01:11:10,050 --> 01:11:12,430 So that in the event of a Soviet attack... 1278 01:11:12,430 --> 01:11:16,520 every man, woman and child would be converted into fighting machines. 1279 01:11:16,600 --> 01:11:19,100 Only there were no more Soviets to fight. 1280 01:11:19,100 --> 01:11:22,610 So everyone turned on each other and now the country is in ruins. 1281 01:11:22,610 --> 01:11:25,070 China? Gone! Russia? Gone! 1282 01:11:25,280 --> 01:11:28,610 Amsterdam? Still not a goddamn country! Gone! 1283 01:11:29,410 --> 01:11:32,030 That is why I'm sending this message back in time. 1284 01:11:32,030 --> 01:11:34,120 Baxter, listen to me. You need to hack into... 1285 01:11:34,120 --> 01:11:35,660 Boss, the perimeter's clear! 1286 01:11:35,660 --> 01:11:39,500 Son of a bitch, J.J.! I'm trying to rewrite the fucking past! 1287 01:11:40,040 --> 01:11:43,300 Yeah? Some Infecteds were trying to rewrite your fucking existence! 1288 01:11:43,630 --> 01:11:44,630 Two got away. 1289 01:11:46,050 --> 01:11:47,470 One did not. 1290 01:11:47,470 --> 01:11:50,050 Oh, man, this is sick! Where am I? 1291 01:11:50,050 --> 01:11:51,680 Has the cripple been fed? 1292 01:11:52,050 --> 01:11:56,060 I'm sorry, Mommy! I'm sorry, Mom! 1293 01:11:56,060 --> 01:11:57,640 Why am I Rain Man? 1294 01:11:57,680 --> 01:11:59,640 Make Sitara feed him. 1295 01:11:59,650 --> 01:12:02,400 You fucking feed him! I need to be out slaughtering. 1296 01:12:02,400 --> 01:12:04,480 No! You carry my seed. 1297 01:12:04,480 --> 01:12:07,280 You must stay here where it's safe, where I can protect you. 1298 01:12:07,280 --> 01:12:09,280 - I'm sorry! - Come here, Mama. 1299 01:12:11,740 --> 01:12:13,370 - Sorry, Mommy. - Back to business. 1300 01:12:13,660 --> 01:12:17,080 Security breach! Security breach! Commence evasive maneuvers. 1301 01:12:17,080 --> 01:12:19,580 - Defensive maneuvers! - Dammit, they jumped the wire! 1302 01:12:19,670 --> 01:12:23,670 Vrankovich! On me, you dumb Ruskie! 1303 01:12:24,090 --> 01:12:26,090 Baxter! You can prevent this from happening! 1304 01:12:26,090 --> 01:12:28,300 Hack into the Department of Defense security mainframe... 1305 01:12:28,300 --> 01:12:32,090 using a Mark-7 Spartan from the Bundesnachrichtendienst... 1306 01:12:37,310 --> 01:12:39,060 - No way! - Oh, shit! 1307 01:12:39,060 --> 01:12:42,520 - That was awesome! - No way! 1308 01:12:42,600 --> 01:12:44,520 Dude! No way! I'm never making fun of you again. Period. 1309 01:12:44,520 --> 01:12:46,320 We were trying to prank you! You turned that around... 1310 01:12:46,320 --> 01:12:47,730 I swear it wasn't a prank! 1311 01:12:48,110 --> 01:12:50,530 Oh, my God. You're expecting me to believe... 1312 01:12:50,530 --> 01:12:52,700 that somehow in the next six months the whole world ends... 1313 01:12:52,700 --> 01:12:55,660 - and I'm a drooling cripple? - I didn't do it! 1314 01:12:56,120 --> 01:12:57,160 What are you...? 1315 01:12:57,160 --> 01:12:58,660 What's with the lights? That was weird. 1316 01:12:58,660 --> 01:13:00,860 I'm going to the supermarket. Does anyone need anything? 1317 01:13:06,340 --> 01:13:07,340 No. 1318 01:13:07,710 --> 01:13:09,340 What is it? 1319 01:13:15,720 --> 01:13:18,020 No! 1320 01:13:18,520 --> 01:13:21,730 - I'm sorry, Mommy! I'm sorry! - What are you sorry about? 1321 01:13:24,690 --> 01:13:27,020 - What's happening? - Shit! 1322 01:13:28,360 --> 01:13:29,610 God! 1323 01:13:31,030 --> 01:13:34,070 I can fix this! Mark-7 Spartan! 1324 01:13:34,070 --> 01:13:37,030 That computer's fried. Go get my laptop out of my room! 1325 01:13:37,030 --> 01:13:39,290 All right, I got it! I got it. Don't worry. 1326 01:13:39,410 --> 01:13:42,620 - Don't let him pull his own dick off. - Why would he pull his own dick off? 1327 01:13:43,210 --> 01:13:44,750 I fucking got it! I got it! 1328 01:13:49,050 --> 01:13:51,170 Why is my computer so slow? 1329 01:13:54,510 --> 01:13:56,760 Why is there porn on my computer? 1330 01:13:57,140 --> 01:13:58,350 April Fools. 1331 01:13:58,390 --> 01:14:00,180 Oh, shit! 1332 01:14:49,110 --> 01:14:50,230 I can't believe it! 1333 01:15:44,120 --> 01:15:48,330 In 1959, Kenny Jackson coached the Ellison High Journeymen... 1334 01:15:48,330 --> 01:15:50,750 to become the first Negro high school team... 1335 01:15:50,750 --> 01:15:53,000 ever to compete for a state title. 1336 01:15:53,300 --> 01:15:55,460 Theirs was victory's glory. 1337 01:15:56,720 --> 01:15:59,720 Come on, y'all. Why y'all still sitting here? The game's all about to start. 1338 01:15:59,720 --> 01:16:02,100 Coach, we scared. 1339 01:16:02,760 --> 01:16:07,310 There's 10,000 white people out there that think that we ain't good enough. 1340 01:16:08,770 --> 01:16:11,690 You know what? Maybe we ain't. 1341 01:16:12,310 --> 01:16:14,150 All of y'all feel like that? 1342 01:16:15,030 --> 01:16:17,150 Four hundred years in this country... 1343 01:16:17,690 --> 01:16:22,030 the black man has been spit on, kicked... 1344 01:16:23,160 --> 01:16:24,620 drug through the mud. 1345 01:16:25,160 --> 01:16:27,330 But I've got two things I can tell you. 1346 01:16:28,290 --> 01:16:32,130 Number one, win or lose... 1347 01:16:33,290 --> 01:16:35,250 I am so proud of y'all. 1348 01:16:37,170 --> 01:16:38,550 Number two... 1349 01:16:40,180 --> 01:16:42,220 You're going to win. 1350 01:16:43,350 --> 01:16:45,350 It's just that plain and fucking simple. 1351 01:16:45,560 --> 01:16:47,390 You're going to win! 1352 01:16:48,230 --> 01:16:49,680 But them white boys from Hickory Tech... 1353 01:16:49,680 --> 01:16:52,190 - What game are we playing? - Basketball, Coach. 1354 01:16:52,400 --> 01:16:54,150 What color is their skin? 1355 01:16:54,190 --> 01:16:56,320 - White. - Exactly! 1356 01:16:56,320 --> 01:16:58,190 They're white, you're black. 1357 01:16:58,650 --> 01:17:00,200 This is basketball... 1358 01:17:01,200 --> 01:17:02,740 Am I speaking fucking Chinese? 1359 01:17:02,740 --> 01:17:05,700 Come on, people. You guys are 25 and 0. 1360 01:17:05,700 --> 01:17:08,290 Yeah, Coach, but that was against all-black teams. 1361 01:17:08,660 --> 01:17:12,290 That's the point! Y'all are going to kill those Caucasians! 1362 01:17:12,290 --> 01:17:14,460 But, Coach, look at their fundamentals. 1363 01:17:14,460 --> 01:17:17,300 The fundamentals! It doesn't matter! 1364 01:17:17,550 --> 01:17:22,340 It's all the same when you're some cement-foot troglodyte white boy... 1365 01:17:22,340 --> 01:17:25,340 getting dunked on with a big pair of black fucking nuts... 1366 01:17:25,350 --> 01:17:27,260 hanging on your forehead! 1367 01:17:27,260 --> 01:17:29,270 Speaking of nuts... Lucious. 1368 01:17:29,270 --> 01:17:30,730 Come on up here, Lucious. 1369 01:17:32,350 --> 01:17:34,600 Tell them. How long is your dick? 1370 01:17:35,360 --> 01:17:37,230 I don't know, Coach. Like a foot. 1371 01:17:38,980 --> 01:17:40,190 Foot and a half. 1372 01:17:40,320 --> 01:17:41,360 Foot and a ha... 1373 01:17:43,570 --> 01:17:45,200 Foot and a half? 1374 01:17:46,070 --> 01:17:48,200 Their arm ain't even that long! 1375 01:17:48,200 --> 01:17:52,250 All right, let's kick some butt. You scared? 1376 01:17:52,370 --> 01:17:54,420 Well, well, well. 1377 01:17:55,250 --> 01:17:57,250 You Negroes going to play basketball, or what? 1378 01:17:57,250 --> 01:18:00,420 Yeah, you Negroes. What's the matter? 1379 01:18:00,550 --> 01:18:04,340 Did you realize you didn't belong in a white man's game, you Negroes? 1380 01:18:04,380 --> 01:18:06,970 That's right. This isn't a game for Negroes. 1381 01:18:06,970 --> 01:18:11,350 It's a game for good, honest white people, not for Negroes. 1382 01:18:11,350 --> 01:18:13,230 You understand, Negroes? 1383 01:18:14,350 --> 01:18:18,020 - White Knights! - White Knights! 1384 01:18:19,980 --> 01:18:21,360 Man, Coach, they looked tough. 1385 01:18:21,360 --> 01:18:23,530 "They looked tough"? I'm so scared! 1386 01:18:23,530 --> 01:18:25,150 You know what they might do? 1387 01:18:25,160 --> 01:18:28,620 One of them might dribble with his left hand... 1388 01:18:28,620 --> 01:18:31,370 all the way down the lane and then go up for a left-handed layup... 1389 01:18:31,370 --> 01:18:33,410 and you know what's going to happen then? 1390 01:18:34,040 --> 01:18:37,250 Your black ass is going to swat that shit... 1391 01:18:37,380 --> 01:18:42,420 jump over his cracker ass, and dunk in his goddamn face! 1392 01:18:42,420 --> 01:18:45,420 How many fucking times do I have to tell you? 1393 01:18:45,430 --> 01:18:49,640 You're black, they're white, this ain't hockey! 1394 01:18:50,310 --> 01:18:55,060 Guys, I think what Coach is trying to say is that the key word is "teamwork." 1395 01:18:55,440 --> 01:19:00,400 No, the key word is "you're black, they're white"! 1396 01:19:01,020 --> 01:19:03,610 So, Coach, what you're saying is, if we just walk with the Lord... 1397 01:19:03,610 --> 01:19:06,280 The Lord? Nigger, the Lord done did his part already! 1398 01:19:06,280 --> 01:19:09,450 He made you black. He made them white. 1399 01:19:09,700 --> 01:19:13,450 He gave you a foot-and-a-half dick! Dribble with that motherfucker! 1400 01:19:14,660 --> 01:19:17,080 As long as y'all are out there on the floor... 1401 01:19:17,420 --> 01:19:20,080 you're going to score more points than them. 1402 01:19:20,090 --> 01:19:22,340 That's just how basketball works! 1403 01:19:27,430 --> 01:19:30,680 Cut that goddamn slow clap shit out! 1404 01:19:30,720 --> 01:19:33,220 Tries my motherfucking patience! 1405 01:19:33,520 --> 01:19:35,310 Go out there and win! 1406 01:19:36,350 --> 01:19:38,350 - Let's go! - Come on! 1407 01:20:05,510 --> 01:20:07,630 It was a glorious game. 1408 01:20:08,510 --> 01:20:10,510 But late in the fourth quarter... 1409 01:20:10,510 --> 01:20:14,390 when Lucious Williams dribbled the entire length of the court... 1410 01:20:14,390 --> 01:20:16,560 with his foot-and-a-half penis... 1411 01:20:16,770 --> 01:20:20,400 the referees had no choice but to call a technical foul... 1412 01:20:21,020 --> 01:20:24,520 sending young Bobby Lee Mayflower to the line... 1413 01:20:24,690 --> 01:20:28,070 for the most dramatic moment of the contest. 1414 01:20:51,130 --> 01:20:52,430 Hey, guys. Hello. 1415 01:20:52,430 --> 01:20:54,100 Who is that woman you are with? 1416 01:20:54,300 --> 01:20:55,680 That's my mother. 1417 01:20:55,680 --> 01:20:57,470 I want your mother. 1418 01:21:01,100 --> 01:21:03,440 - Baxter, turn that shit off, man. - Okay. 1419 01:21:04,520 --> 01:21:06,200 I'm going to go to the bathroom, all right? 1420 01:21:12,570 --> 01:21:14,160 I can't fucking do it. 1421 01:21:14,450 --> 01:21:17,200 - I don't know, but I been told - I don't know, but I been told 1422 01:21:17,200 --> 01:21:18,540 Gym class gives you great big balls 1423 01:21:18,540 --> 01:21:19,580 Gym class gives you... 1424 01:21:23,210 --> 01:21:24,500 Out here shooting the shit. 1425 01:21:24,500 --> 01:21:28,340 Some guys shoot the shit, and some people get shot with shit. Right? 1426 01:21:28,510 --> 01:21:30,630 - Am I right? - I don't know what he's talking about. 1427 01:21:30,760 --> 01:21:32,420 You know what the fuck I'm talking about. 1428 01:21:32,430 --> 01:21:34,340 I want to be on you. 1429 01:21:35,430 --> 01:21:36,760 In you. 1430 01:21:38,770 --> 01:21:40,520 - Sorry. Fuck. - Not a problem. 1431 01:21:46,610 --> 01:21:47,610 No. 1432 01:21:48,650 --> 01:21:51,240 No, I can just see him underneath the table. 1433 01:21:52,490 --> 01:21:54,970 And he's had his fingers in my pussy for the last five minutes. 1434 01:21:55,030 --> 01:21:58,370 It's monstrous. It looks like she's sitting on Art Garfunkel's shoulders. 1435 01:22:06,540 --> 01:22:09,500 No one leaves this room till we figure this out. 1436 01:22:11,510 --> 01:22:13,550 Mangled dicks. Mangled... 1437 01:22:13,550 --> 01:22:15,720 Dicks, dicks, dicks, dicks... 1438 01:22:15,720 --> 01:22:18,350 - Mangled dicks. - Mangled dicks. Mangled... 1439 01:22:18,350 --> 01:22:20,520 - Dicks. - Dicks. 1440 01:22:20,600 --> 01:22:22,180 I got frozen peas and a sponge. 1441 01:22:22,180 --> 01:22:24,390 No, Mikey, there's steel wool on one side. 1442 01:22:24,390 --> 01:22:25,560 Shit, you're right. 1443 01:22:25,560 --> 01:22:28,190 Okay, Amanda, you're going to want to keep the yellow side up. 1444 01:22:28,190 --> 01:22:30,110 Otherwise, there's going to be lots more blood. 1445 01:22:38,530 --> 01:22:40,540 I suck cock for gold coins. 1446 01:22:42,040 --> 01:22:43,540 So do I. 1447 01:22:56,260 --> 01:22:59,220 So what you're saying is, if we go out there and give 110 percent... 1448 01:22:59,220 --> 01:23:02,430 A hundred and ten percent! Fifty percent! Three percent! 1449 01:23:02,430 --> 01:23:05,640 I think what Coach is trying to say is that the key word here is "teamwork." 1450 01:23:05,730 --> 01:23:09,230 Lucious, will you whip out your dick and smack this motherfucker with it? 1451 01:23:10,730 --> 01:23:12,440 - What? - I love you even more. 1452 01:23:12,440 --> 01:23:14,530 - Oh, Anson. - I do. 1453 01:23:14,990 --> 01:23:16,610 - Me, too. - You do? 1454 01:23:21,990 --> 01:23:25,120 He's America's favorite cat... Beezel 1455 01:23:31,540 --> 01:23:33,460 I'm embarrassed to even say this, but... 1456 01:23:33,460 --> 01:23:34,630 What? 1457 01:23:35,380 --> 01:23:37,550 Amy, ever since you moved in here, I... 1458 01:23:38,680 --> 01:23:40,470 - What? - I love you even more. 1459 01:23:40,470 --> 01:23:42,430 - Oh, Anson. - I do. 1460 01:23:42,470 --> 01:23:44,350 - Me, too. - You do? 1461 01:23:47,730 --> 01:23:50,230 Beezel! How are you? 1462 01:23:50,690 --> 01:23:53,070 How is my handsome little boy? 1463 01:23:59,030 --> 01:24:03,490 Hey, Anson, do you ever feel like your relationship with Beezel... 1464 01:24:03,490 --> 01:24:05,290 is a little strange? 1465 01:24:05,700 --> 01:24:06,700 Amy! 1466 01:24:07,580 --> 01:24:09,370 Please don't tell me you're one of those girls... 1467 01:24:09,370 --> 01:24:11,330 that gets jealous of a guy's pet! 1468 01:24:11,460 --> 01:24:14,590 Even if that pet is thuper thilly! 1469 01:24:15,050 --> 01:24:18,630 No, no. I just don't think he likes me very much. 1470 01:24:18,630 --> 01:24:21,300 Come on, Amy. He loves you! 1471 01:24:21,300 --> 01:24:22,680 - Really? - Yeah. 1472 01:24:23,300 --> 01:24:24,470 There we go. 1473 01:24:26,770 --> 01:24:28,350 Now, where were we? 1474 01:24:37,610 --> 01:24:39,030 What's wrong? 1475 01:24:41,610 --> 01:24:42,660 Nothing. 1476 01:25:29,700 --> 01:25:31,710 Get off of me! 1477 01:25:58,690 --> 01:26:00,400 - What happened? - Beezel... 1478 01:26:00,740 --> 01:26:03,570 pissed all over me! 1479 01:26:03,990 --> 01:26:05,990 Oh, no, he just sprayed you. 1480 01:26:06,120 --> 01:26:09,700 It's something male cats do sometimes. It means he likes you. 1481 01:26:09,700 --> 01:26:11,580 - He likes me? - Yeah. 1482 01:26:11,580 --> 01:26:14,710 Or it could mean that he's sick. Buddy, are you sick? 1483 01:26:14,750 --> 01:26:17,380 Anson, he did this on purpose! 1484 01:26:17,380 --> 01:26:21,090 - I caught him masturbating. - He was probably just cleaning himself. 1485 01:26:21,090 --> 01:26:24,630 It was to pictures of you in a swimsuit! 1486 01:26:24,630 --> 01:26:27,140 Cats can't even process images in that way. 1487 01:26:27,140 --> 01:26:29,720 But he is not a normal cat. 1488 01:26:29,720 --> 01:26:30,970 Of course he is. 1489 01:26:30,970 --> 01:26:34,100 He just put a fucking thermometer in his mouth! 1490 01:26:34,310 --> 01:26:35,650 He thinks it's a toy. 1491 01:26:40,400 --> 01:26:41,730 Oh, Beezel. 1492 01:26:43,610 --> 01:26:45,610 Anson. I love you. 1493 01:26:45,610 --> 01:26:48,620 I do, but as long as that little fucker is around... 1494 01:26:48,620 --> 01:26:50,200 I cannot be with you. 1495 01:26:50,370 --> 01:26:52,660 No, Amy, Amy. Look. 1496 01:26:54,000 --> 01:26:56,540 If it'll make you happy, I'll find another home for Beezel. 1497 01:26:56,540 --> 01:26:57,750 He's just a cat. 1498 01:26:58,960 --> 01:27:00,130 But you... 1499 01:27:01,340 --> 01:27:02,760 you're the woman that I love. 1500 01:27:04,550 --> 01:27:07,470 - You'd get rid of him? - I will. 1501 01:27:07,760 --> 01:27:09,470 - I love you. - I love you. 1502 01:27:09,470 --> 01:27:10,680 No, I love you. 1503 01:27:34,500 --> 01:27:37,040 Beezel, where are you, boy? 1504 01:27:37,370 --> 01:27:39,330 Come out, come out, you little rat-fucker. 1505 01:27:40,170 --> 01:27:41,460 Beezel! 1506 01:27:43,090 --> 01:27:46,470 Shit, I told my mother we'd have him there in an hour. 1507 01:27:46,470 --> 01:27:49,050 She was nice enough to take him off our hands. 1508 01:27:49,430 --> 01:27:52,140 - Do you mind checking outside for him? - Absolutely. 1509 01:27:52,430 --> 01:27:53,680 I'm going to go upstairs. 1510 01:27:56,730 --> 01:27:58,100 Beezel? 1511 01:28:34,100 --> 01:28:37,560 That's it, you son of a bitch! 1512 01:28:41,100 --> 01:28:43,110 Cock-sucking... 1513 01:28:44,020 --> 01:28:45,730 motherfucking... 1514 01:28:45,730 --> 01:28:48,570 Garfield reject piece of shit! 1515 01:28:52,160 --> 01:28:54,330 Die, you... 1516 01:28:55,160 --> 01:28:58,080 dick-loving devil cat! 1517 01:29:05,500 --> 01:29:08,130 What? 1518 01:29:09,760 --> 01:29:11,090 Don't look. 1519 01:29:11,510 --> 01:29:14,300 Mommy, she's beating that cat... 1520 01:29:15,050 --> 01:29:16,100 to death! 1521 01:29:17,310 --> 01:29:19,060 He tried to kill me. 1522 01:29:19,350 --> 01:29:21,190 No, you don't understand. 1523 01:29:21,520 --> 01:29:24,060 You don't understand. 1524 01:29:28,030 --> 01:29:29,400 Please. 1525 01:29:31,490 --> 01:29:33,030 Get her!