0 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:20,000 1 00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:06,467 This is Friday night in my hometown. 2 00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:09,537 Those guys behind me are actually my neighbors. 3 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,888 Brains. 4 00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:22,417 So, why is everybody so mad? 5 00:02:22,517 --> 00:02:25,066 And how did I get stuck with these two freaks? 6 00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:28,698 Well, the aliens showed up. 7 00:02:30,859 --> 00:02:32,782 Okay, let me back up. 8 00:02:57,636 --> 00:02:59,809 I'm telling you, this thing with Lorelei is about to happen. 9 00:02:59,930 --> 00:03:01,415 I can feel it in my bones. 10 00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:03,917 - Bones? Yeah, that would be cool. - You're not even listening. 11 00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:06,169 You never listen to me. You're supposed to be my friend. 12 00:03:06,269 --> 00:03:08,046 What? Look, Lorelei doesn't like you like that. 13 00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:09,423 If she did, she'd have given it up by now. 14 00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:12,342 I'm saying, I think she does. I feel like we're right on the cusp. 15 00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:14,219 She's been coming over to my house more and more lately. 16 00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:16,822 That's because she stashes her weed at your house. 17 00:03:16,947 --> 00:03:19,057 - How did you know that? - Because her dad's a Christian Scientist 18 00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:22,001 and because everyone calls you her "weed locker." 19 00:03:24,121 --> 00:03:25,168 No. 20 00:03:25,789 --> 00:03:27,791 - People really call me that? - All the time. 21 00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:30,027 - It makes me look like an idiot. - Pretty much. 22 00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:31,737 And what do you say to them? You back me up, right? 23 00:03:31,837 --> 00:03:32,963 No. 24 00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:34,281 - Parminder... - What? 25 00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:36,867 ...that's your job as a friend, is to make me look good when people... 26 00:03:36,967 --> 00:03:38,685 - Jesus! - Are you kidding me? 27 00:03:38,802 --> 00:03:40,520 Dude, you're a terrible friend. 28 00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:42,039 Okay. 29 00:03:42,139 --> 00:03:47,020 Maybe she has me hold her weed as an excuse to keep coming over. 30 00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:48,253 - Did you think about that? - No. 31 00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:51,882 That's probably it. Her body language has been super cuspy lately. 32 00:03:51,982 --> 00:03:54,906 - Well, if it's been super cuspy, then... - Hey, hey, Lor. 33 00:03:57,154 --> 00:03:59,657 Yeah, that cuspiness was palpable. 34 00:04:00,866 --> 00:04:01,992 Shut up. 35 00:04:15,839 --> 00:04:17,056 Boo. 36 00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:20,348 - Oh, God. Hey, Milan. - Hey, Petra. How's it going? 37 00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:22,729 - Good. How are you? - Good. 38 00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:25,895 - Tonight's the night. - Yeah. Yeah, I can't wait. 39 00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:28,769 Your first vamp party. You're going to love it. 40 00:04:30,228 --> 00:04:35,342 So, I heard that vamp parties can be kind of rough. Is that... 41 00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:36,694 - Hey, that's my locker there. - Fuck off. 42 00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:39,346 Look, if you're too scared, we don't have to do this. 43 00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:41,039 What? No, I'm not scared. 44 00:04:41,364 --> 00:04:44,709 - That's my special girl. Come on. - Okay. 45 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:47,246 - Hey, if I could just get into my locker. - I said, "Fuck off!" 46 00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:52,881 - We should... - Come on. 47 00:04:55,712 --> 00:04:57,680 Don't ever get in my way again, pussy. 48 00:05:16,608 --> 00:05:17,905 Come on. 49 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:24,913 - Mr. Keller? - The teachers' lounge. 50 00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:28,420 - What? - I'm in the teachers' lounge. 51 00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:31,586 Teachers' lounge. 52 00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:33,922 Teachers' lounge. 53 00:05:34,918 --> 00:05:36,591 Teachers' lounge. 54 00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:43,644 For the love of Pete. If you finish a pot of blood, please put another one on. 55 00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:46,471 Can we all do that? We can all do that. 56 00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:49,249 Look at this. 57 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,877 Mr. Keller, I just had one quick question about my paper. 58 00:05:51,977 --> 00:05:53,820 I think there's been an error in the grading. 59 00:05:53,937 --> 00:05:55,756 Let me guess. You think there's been an error in the grading 60 00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:57,549 because in your mind, you wrote a wonderful essay 61 00:05:57,649 --> 00:05:59,993 yet you still received a failing grade. Is that it? 62 00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:01,703 That's correct. 63 00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:03,764 And I'd like you to change it. 64 00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:07,392 Don't you get it, Ned? Not everything in your life is under your control. 65 00:06:07,492 --> 00:06:10,120 Sometimes people don't do what you want them to do. 66 00:06:10,287 --> 00:06:12,790 Sometimes you vink at them and they don't vink back. 67 00:06:14,291 --> 00:06:17,010 - What's a vink? - It's a cruel world is my point. 68 00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:19,801 It's best you learn that now before you get the wrong idea. Okay? 69 00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:24,718 And the donuts are gone? The donuts are gone? 70 00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:29,060 We couldn't save one donut? Not one donut? 71 00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:33,898 No, I don't want your quarter of a donut! I want a full donut! 72 00:06:34,561 --> 00:06:38,361 Don't you dare. Don't you fucking dare! 73 00:06:39,024 --> 00:06:40,867 Unbelievable! 74 00:06:40,984 --> 00:06:42,907 Come on, man! For the love of shit! 75 00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:48,082 God damn it. 76 00:06:51,870 --> 00:06:55,920 So, you were saying something about deliberately misgrading my paper 77 00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:57,254 to teach me a lesson? 78 00:07:00,378 --> 00:07:04,282 Ned, I'm so sorry. It's just that most of the kids that go to this school... 79 00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:06,885 I would love to chain all of them to their lockers 80 00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:10,288 in a manner that would make sure that they would not escape. 81 00:07:10,388 --> 00:07:14,125 And then just roll sticks of dynamite. Like, old-fashioned dynamite. 82 00:07:14,225 --> 00:07:17,254 Just roll it down the hall and blow up the school. 83 00:07:17,354 --> 00:07:20,358 And then I would spare a couple of faculty. Not this motherfucker. 84 00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:23,360 I should fucking eat you! 85 00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:26,780 But you, you're amazing, Ned. 86 00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:28,849 You're possibly the best student I have ever had 87 00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:33,500 in the 97 years of teaching at this godforsaken shit-stain of a school. 88 00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:38,149 And that's the reason that I... 89 00:07:38,249 --> 00:07:42,129 I have to just strangle your dreams and break you as a being. 90 00:07:42,879 --> 00:07:43,947 I don't understand. 91 00:07:44,047 --> 00:07:47,051 This essay is a masterpiece, Ned. 92 00:07:47,717 --> 00:07:52,473 It should be framed and put in some museum that's dedicated to great essays. 93 00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:58,962 And I can't tell you how much joy it gives me that there's an F there. 94 00:07:59,062 --> 00:08:00,939 That F stands for "Fun." 95 00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:04,151 My fun. 96 00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:09,514 Dude, it's crazy. Look, when she's looking into my eyes, it's like time stops. 97 00:08:09,614 --> 00:08:10,891 She never looks into your eyes. 98 00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:14,060 Look, man, you need to just shut the fuck up and do something about it. 99 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,730 - Okay, like what? - I don't know. Go caveman on her. 100 00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:19,128 Just club her over the head, drag her back to your cave, and just... 101 00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:20,317 You're so violent. 102 00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:22,840 All right, well, then next time you see her, just grab her thigh. 103 00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:25,906 - Just grab her thigh? - Enjoy your riblet. 104 00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:28,491 This is Lorelei, okay? I'm not just gonna grab her thigh. 105 00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:31,494 You know what? Last weekend, I grabbed Kathy Murch's thigh. 106 00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:34,598 She sat on this face, bro. I gave her a nose job. 107 00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:38,335 Okay, number one, I don't even know what that means. 108 00:08:38,435 --> 00:08:41,922 Number two, Kathy Murch is a slut. 109 00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,150 Man, stop judging people. 110 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:46,777 Unless you like her. 111 00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:48,511 - I kind of do. - You like her? 112 00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:50,329 Can I get some gazpacho? 113 00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:54,372 There's no brains here. 114 00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:01,629 Would you look at that? 115 00:09:03,001 --> 00:09:04,378 Jesus. 116 00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,905 Yeah! I'm definitely hitting that. 117 00:09:07,005 --> 00:09:08,848 We're playing you B-squad bitches today. 118 00:09:09,132 --> 00:09:12,807 I'll probably go yard at least twice and chicks dig the long ball. 119 00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:16,706 Hell, I'll probably go three times if Coach puts in that bitch, Parminder. 120 00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:18,308 I'm sitting right here. 121 00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:25,649 Hey, Petra. I hear you're going to the vamp party tonight. 122 00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:27,592 I've always wanted to go to a vamp party. 123 00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:29,803 That's because you're a total wampire, Leonard. 124 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,155 Am not. 125 00:09:31,654 --> 00:09:34,032 Can I come with you? We can take my dad's Kia. 126 00:09:34,157 --> 00:09:37,060 Yeah, I would, but I'm actually kind of going with Milan. 127 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:40,255 Shut up. Milan Pinache? That's huge. 128 00:09:40,497 --> 00:09:43,501 Oh, my God. Look at her face. She's totally going to fuck him. 129 00:09:43,666 --> 00:09:44,883 Yeah, you better jimmy up. 130 00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:48,505 If you actually knew him, you'd realize Milan's really sweet. 131 00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:54,599 Cockblock me again and they'll never find your body. 132 00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:58,690 Your brother is such a dickbag. 133 00:09:58,848 --> 00:10:00,065 I know. 134 00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,359 Thank you. 135 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:11,428 The first pitch I'm throwing to Chaz, fastball. 136 00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:13,346 - Burn it in. - Shit! 137 00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,073 - What? - Rick's here. 138 00:10:15,198 --> 00:10:17,183 Yeah, he's sponsoring the team this year. 139 00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:21,271 The fuckbag fired my mom and every time I see this asshole, he brings it up. 140 00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:22,772 Come on, man. 141 00:10:22,872 --> 00:10:24,715 Whatever. He probably won't even recognize me. 142 00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:26,443 Here you go, son. 143 00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:28,778 The Malphasta Corporation welcomes you to the Wolves. 144 00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:30,113 Congratulations. 145 00:10:30,213 --> 00:10:34,093 Hey! I know you. You're Peg Parker's boy. 146 00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:36,286 - Bug? Bag? Tag? - My name's Dag. 147 00:10:36,386 --> 00:10:38,038 - Doug. Yes, right. - Dag. 148 00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:41,624 Your mom was such a spark plug. Peg Parker. What's she up to nowadays? 149 00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:43,793 She's good. She's just around the house. 150 00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:47,943 - How long has she been unemployed? - Since she left the factory. 151 00:10:48,064 --> 00:10:50,943 And why did she leave the factory again? Wait, wait, I think I have the answer. 152 00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:53,344 - Because I fired her. - Yeah. You fired her. 153 00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:54,846 She shouldn't have tried to unionize my zombies. 154 00:10:54,946 --> 00:10:56,306 - Yeah, can I get a uniform? - That's the whole idea. 155 00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:58,079 - Can I get a fucking uniform? - Parker! 156 00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:01,252 That was uncalled for. 157 00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:03,246 Come here, son. I want to talk to you. 158 00:11:05,957 --> 00:11:08,176 Come here. Listen. 159 00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:10,962 I understand. 160 00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:13,431 I remember what it was like to be in high school. It's tough. 161 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:18,850 Especially for a big, tall, freaky motherfucker like you. 162 00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:21,314 - I'm fine with it. - Okay, okay. 163 00:11:21,431 --> 00:11:22,916 - I like my body. - All right. 164 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,484 Let me help you out. A word of advice. 165 00:11:24,601 --> 00:11:27,337 Stop concentrating on the negative. All right? 166 00:11:27,437 --> 00:11:31,283 Look at the bright side. You get to spend more time with your mom. 167 00:11:32,609 --> 00:11:38,491 And I have a new secretary who I have sex with. 168 00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:41,709 With my penis. 169 00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:45,463 Lots of people have sex with their penises. 170 00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:50,610 Seeing as how I paid for this field, 171 00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:53,446 Coach Pulcifer asked me to come down here today and say a few words, 172 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:55,469 so here I am. 173 00:11:57,634 --> 00:12:01,138 I want you to look into the eyes of the boy sitting next to you. Go ahead, do it. 174 00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:03,790 And repeat after me. 175 00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:06,359 "You are not my teammate." 176 00:12:06,476 --> 00:12:08,023 You are not my teammate. 177 00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:10,547 "You are not my friend." 178 00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:12,298 You are not my friend! 179 00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:15,385 "You are my enemy 180 00:12:15,485 --> 00:12:17,863 "and must be destroyed." 181 00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,390 You are my enemy and must be destroyed! 182 00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:21,558 Chill, dude. 183 00:12:21,658 --> 00:12:25,504 Winners and losers, boys. That's what makes America great. 184 00:12:26,204 --> 00:12:29,816 Look at me. When I first came to Dillford, the meat plant was underperforming 185 00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:34,171 and I drove an '04 Ford Taurus. 186 00:12:36,172 --> 00:12:40,769 But now the riblet is the crown jewel of the Malphasta Corporation 187 00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:44,602 and I drive a red Porsche Boxster. 188 00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:50,003 How? I fired the dead weight and brought in cheap zombie labor. 189 00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:53,198 Why? Because I came here to win. 190 00:12:53,690 --> 00:12:55,300 Out of the 25 boys seated here today 191 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:59,701 23 of you will go on to lead completely inconsequential lives. 192 00:12:59,862 --> 00:13:01,806 For the other two boys, it'll be a different journey. 193 00:13:01,906 --> 00:13:04,910 One of them will just drop dead for no reason. Poof. Nobody knows why. 194 00:13:05,034 --> 00:13:08,021 Heart attack, aneurysm, stabbed in the heart in a mall parking lot. 195 00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:09,373 Bang, gone. 196 00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:12,543 But the other boy, whoever that chosen boy is, 197 00:13:12,709 --> 00:13:16,589 he will be a shining fucking star like me. 198 00:13:17,046 --> 00:13:19,265 - This guy. - He's so amazing. 199 00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:22,760 - Strike three! - Let's go, let's put one in play. 200 00:13:23,261 --> 00:13:24,979 Parker's got a rocket for an arm, huh? 201 00:13:25,096 --> 00:13:28,541 Yeah. The best I've ever seen. Too bad he's shit under pressure. 202 00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:30,063 All right, let's go! 203 00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:32,400 - It's on. - Come on, put one in there. 204 00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:40,988 Come on, man. Damn it. Dick. 205 00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:45,913 Pay attention, Lor. I'm about to teach this bitch a lesson. 206 00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:48,665 Teach him gently, baby. That boy's my neighbor. 207 00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:54,296 Okay, nice boy, bring the cheese home. 208 00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:57,762 It better be Swiss because I'm holy, baby. I'm holy, baby. 209 00:13:58,254 --> 00:13:59,631 Looking good, Dag. Looking good, man. 210 00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:01,970 Find the zone, Dag! 211 00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:05,477 I'm going to rape you. 212 00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,321 Jesus. 213 00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:26,788 Oh, my God. Say something. Dag, what did you do? 214 00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:30,120 Are you okay? Gosh. Okay, we need to get him ice. 215 00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:31,458 Dag! 216 00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:35,775 Oh, my God! Okay, okay! 217 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,627 - It's going to be okay. - Rick, I'm still number one! 218 00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:41,802 Yeah! All right. 219 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:46,303 - I went out and got wrecked. - It's in the car. 220 00:14:55,645 --> 00:14:57,898 - Wait, should we go back to the party? - No. 221 00:14:59,315 --> 00:15:00,425 I'm great right here. 222 00:15:00,525 --> 00:15:01,822 - Yeah? - Yeah. 223 00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:06,201 Wait. 224 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,083 Is it going to hurt? 225 00:15:09,492 --> 00:15:11,244 A little, at first. 226 00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:14,213 But then ecstasy. 227 00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:15,877 Yeah? 228 00:15:23,714 --> 00:15:26,388 - What are you doing? - What do you mean, what am I doing? 229 00:15:28,386 --> 00:15:30,059 You said you wanted to go all the way with me. 230 00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:33,440 I thought you meant sex, not that. 231 00:15:38,187 --> 00:15:39,564 Are you kidding me? 232 00:15:41,065 --> 00:15:42,408 I thought you were cool, Petra. 233 00:15:48,364 --> 00:15:50,617 But why don't you want to be with me my way? 234 00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:54,041 I already went down that road with Lorelei. 235 00:15:55,872 --> 00:15:57,440 You slept with Lorelei? 236 00:15:57,540 --> 00:16:01,215 Don't you get it? Lorelei had me for 17 minutes. 237 00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:04,426 I'm offering you forever. 238 00:16:05,715 --> 00:16:07,700 Do you really mean that? 239 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:11,430 Do you have any idea how long I've waited for a girl like you? 240 00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:17,819 Centuries. 241 00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:37,188 Honey, you're staring again. 242 00:16:37,288 --> 00:16:39,482 The doctor said it would be off in a year or two, tops. 243 00:16:39,582 --> 00:16:43,177 Two years? If you were a dog, I would put you down. 244 00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:47,761 Out of love and kindness. A mercy kill. 245 00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:51,303 Do you not get it? You've got nothing to live for. This is what you had. 246 00:16:51,928 --> 00:16:53,680 - His life is over. - Okay. 247 00:16:53,930 --> 00:16:56,683 He's not a creature of the mind. He's physical. 248 00:16:57,266 --> 00:16:59,985 We're done. We're done, God, you hear me? 249 00:17:00,603 --> 00:17:01,855 We're done. 250 00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:06,050 I know you're probably thinking about killing yourself. I don't blame you. 251 00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:09,199 But don't do it because you might get better. If you don't get better, go for it. 252 00:17:10,112 --> 00:17:11,659 May I be excused, Mom? 253 00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:13,599 Honey, I know that you're upset about Chaz Jr. 254 00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:17,374 But it's important that we stay together as a family right now. 255 00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:19,622 I didn't say I was upset about Chaz. 256 00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,375 Mr. Keller gave me an F on my paper today. 257 00:17:22,959 --> 00:17:27,238 Nerd Boy's getting F's and hanging out with zombies. 258 00:17:27,338 --> 00:17:28,448 Zombies? 259 00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:31,409 I wasn't hanging with zombies. She was just helping me with my gazpacho. 260 00:17:31,509 --> 00:17:33,637 Why can't you just eat a riblet like everyone else? 261 00:17:33,803 --> 00:17:37,979 For the millionth time, I'm allergic. Besides, do you have any idea what's in a riblet? 262 00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:42,462 - Tiny ribs. - Hormones, stimulants, tetrafluoraxipan. 263 00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:45,566 It's a chemical compound otherwise known as TXP. 264 00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:49,886 Okay, Mr. Wizard, enlighten us. What's so bad about TXP? 265 00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:51,971 - Leading cause of liver failure. - Who cares? 266 00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,806 - Prenatal scoliosis. - So what? 267 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,225 - Diabetes. - Doesn't matter. 268 00:17:56,325 --> 00:17:58,144 Pain in the ankles. 269 00:17:58,244 --> 00:18:00,146 Yeah, that would be hard for sports and whatnot, yeah. 270 00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:01,998 - Also, puff tongue! - Puff tongue? 271 00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:03,399 - Yeah, puff tongue. - Puff tongue? 272 00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:04,671 Puff tongue. 273 00:18:05,835 --> 00:18:09,931 How terrible. Just think of all those little kids with puffy tongues. What? 274 00:18:12,008 --> 00:18:15,828 If this TXP stuff was really so unhealthy 275 00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:18,456 they wouldn't put it in the riblets, now would they? 276 00:18:18,556 --> 00:18:21,025 It's what Saturn is made of. Do you know Saturn? 277 00:18:21,183 --> 00:18:23,185 I know Saturn, a classy economy car. 278 00:18:24,186 --> 00:18:27,440 I'm so sorry about the F, honey. You'll get them next time. 279 00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:30,409 There's no next time. Do you know what an F does to my transcript? 280 00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:31,573 No. 281 00:18:31,694 --> 00:18:34,698 - I can kiss my scholarship goodbye. - You can kiss college goodbye. 282 00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:36,140 What? 283 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,868 I'm sorry, but let's cut the shit, people. We're in deep trouble here. 284 00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:40,878 Do you have any idea how much this crapola costs? 285 00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:44,587 - Doesn't insurance cover that? - Insurance is for suckers, Ned. 286 00:18:44,707 --> 00:18:47,927 From now on, when you're not in school, I'm going to need you down at the car lot. 287 00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:50,196 Dad, dickbag gets to sell Hyundais and I don't? 288 00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:53,095 I think that's a fantastic idea. 289 00:18:53,215 --> 00:18:55,638 - I'm going to my room. - This one. 290 00:18:58,554 --> 00:19:01,103 Why do you think he left the room? It's because he doesn't want to talk. 291 00:19:02,558 --> 00:19:03,901 Do you got a minute? 292 00:19:08,939 --> 00:19:13,740 Ned, listen, I know that at times it seems like it's awkward between you and I. 293 00:19:14,612 --> 00:19:17,741 I'm excited that the two of us are going to get to spend more time together. 294 00:19:18,574 --> 00:19:20,326 - You don't mean that. - Yes, he does. 295 00:19:20,576 --> 00:19:22,478 Yeah. I do. I really do. 296 00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:24,897 I mean, if you want, you can start coming to competitions. 297 00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:27,358 There's Mathletes on Saturday and then there's Odyssey of the Mind. 298 00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:29,860 And there's father-son NASA, which I think that you would really like. 299 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:33,464 No, no, no. You're overthinking this. You overthink everything. 300 00:19:33,589 --> 00:19:35,512 Maybe just the father-son NASA. You don't have to... 301 00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:38,828 Look, right now I need you down at the lot. 302 00:19:38,928 --> 00:19:40,746 With the extra hours, if we're lucky 303 00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:43,440 maybe Jr.'s dream of making the pros still has a chance. 304 00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:45,276 What about my dreams? 305 00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:49,856 What dreams? 306 00:19:50,648 --> 00:19:53,151 Well, for starters, I want to be an engineer someday. 307 00:19:53,275 --> 00:19:57,013 Son, how many times do we have to go over this? No one rides trains anymore! 308 00:19:57,113 --> 00:19:58,931 You gotta stop living in the clouds and get real. 309 00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:02,831 If it's not the lot, you can work at the riblet plant, be a meat bleacher like your mom. 310 00:20:02,952 --> 00:20:06,105 I did 10 years on the ammonia hose and I regret nothing. 311 00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:10,802 I don't want to work the ammonia hose or be a stupid freaking Hyundai salesman. 312 00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:14,071 Slow your roll, tiger. Leave the Hyundai Corporation out of this. 313 00:20:14,171 --> 00:20:17,516 Stop telling me to slow my roll! Chaz Jr. doesn't have to slow his roll! 314 00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:19,785 How come I'm the only one around here who has to slow his roll? 315 00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:22,855 Listen, I understand we're all upset about Chaz Jr. 316 00:20:22,972 --> 00:20:24,690 - Fuck Chaz Jr. - Fuck Chaz Jr.? 317 00:20:24,807 --> 00:20:27,686 - Yeah. Fuck Chaz Jr. - Nobody fucks Chaz Jr.! 318 00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:30,029 Ned, don't go! Chaz! 319 00:20:30,146 --> 00:20:33,696 Don't point your finger at us! Point it at your old friend, Dag! 320 00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:37,491 He's the one who threw that pitch! He's the one who ruined our lives! 321 00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:51,505 I just love your waterbed. 322 00:20:52,668 --> 00:20:54,170 It's the best. 323 00:20:55,838 --> 00:20:58,591 - You know, I'm surprised you're still around. - What do you mean? 324 00:20:59,175 --> 00:21:01,894 I mean that stunt you pulled today on the baseball field. 325 00:21:02,678 --> 00:21:07,024 We were all set to win State and Chaz Jr. was going to get scouted. 326 00:21:07,850 --> 00:21:08,918 Yeah. 327 00:21:09,018 --> 00:21:11,020 What were you thinking? 328 00:21:11,854 --> 00:21:14,006 I don't know. I guess... 329 00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:16,404 I sort of... I wanted to... 330 00:21:18,527 --> 00:21:19,870 Like, impress you. 331 00:21:20,696 --> 00:21:22,448 - Really? - Yeah. 332 00:21:23,699 --> 00:21:24,871 That's so sweet. 333 00:21:27,453 --> 00:21:30,548 - Why would you want to impress me? - What? 334 00:21:31,916 --> 00:21:36,888 I said, why would you want to impress me? 335 00:21:40,216 --> 00:21:41,593 Lorelei, 336 00:21:42,968 --> 00:21:44,766 I think I might be in love with you. 337 00:21:49,433 --> 00:21:53,404 Dag, you are the weirdest, funniest boy I know. 338 00:21:54,146 --> 00:21:55,898 I don't know what I would do without you. 339 00:22:02,238 --> 00:22:04,957 Sweetheart, you know I'm saving myself. 340 00:22:05,991 --> 00:22:07,664 Be right there. 341 00:22:08,244 --> 00:22:09,791 Are you leaving? 342 00:22:09,912 --> 00:22:12,586 Yeah, all this talking about sex is making me really hungry. So... 343 00:22:12,957 --> 00:22:15,025 - Yeah. Me, too. - I'm going to go to Burger King. 344 00:22:15,125 --> 00:22:16,235 Yeah, a Whopper sounds good. 345 00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:17,528 - Right? - Yeah, let's do it. 346 00:22:17,628 --> 00:22:19,005 - I'll smell you later. - Okay. 347 00:22:20,506 --> 00:22:21,678 Yeah? 348 00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:42,365 Dag, your mother and I don't want to encourage pot smoking. 349 00:22:42,486 --> 00:22:46,491 But we want you to know that 350 00:22:46,615 --> 00:22:49,289 we completely understand it. 351 00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:51,896 - It's actually not my weed. - Very good. 352 00:22:51,996 --> 00:22:53,964 - Okay. Well, Dag... - We get it. 353 00:22:54,540 --> 00:22:58,569 That's what we're saying. It's Lorelei's and if it wasn't 354 00:22:58,669 --> 00:23:00,613 well, whatever, whatever, whatever. 355 00:23:00,713 --> 00:23:03,182 Okay, thank you for being so understanding, 356 00:23:03,299 --> 00:23:06,223 but in this case you're not understanding correctly. 357 00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:10,706 Okay. Your mother and I understand what you're saying. 358 00:23:10,806 --> 00:23:14,151 It's hard to express how much we understand 359 00:23:14,310 --> 00:23:16,028 on a daily basis. 360 00:23:16,228 --> 00:23:21,467 Really. Like, even 15 minutes ago, we totally understood. 361 00:23:21,567 --> 00:23:22,693 - We got it. - Really? 362 00:23:22,818 --> 00:23:24,720 I didn't know that you understood that much. 363 00:23:24,820 --> 00:23:26,663 - Twice a day, at least. - Well, whatever. 364 00:23:26,822 --> 00:23:29,475 We're on an understanding plane. 365 00:23:29,575 --> 00:23:31,644 - Look at that. Look at that. - It's like an ice skating rink. 366 00:23:31,744 --> 00:23:34,167 Look at this. I'm getting trails. 367 00:23:35,205 --> 00:23:38,734 Mom, is there anything else you wanted to talk about? 368 00:23:38,834 --> 00:23:40,051 - No. - No. 369 00:23:41,378 --> 00:23:44,427 We wanted to talk to you about some of the changes 370 00:23:44,548 --> 00:23:47,222 that happen to your body as you get older. 371 00:23:47,343 --> 00:23:50,663 - Don't do that talk. - The thing is, the men of the Parker clan... 372 00:23:50,763 --> 00:23:54,108 Well, we change relatively slowly. 373 00:23:54,266 --> 00:23:58,521 But, now don't be frightened, when the change comes, it is... 374 00:23:59,521 --> 00:24:01,006 - Enormous. - Enormous. 375 00:24:01,106 --> 00:24:02,466 No, no, no. 376 00:24:02,566 --> 00:24:05,302 A lot of girls will be frightened. 377 00:24:05,402 --> 00:24:09,014 In fact, it took me a while to get used to it, but it's big. 378 00:24:09,114 --> 00:24:11,458 - It's a big change. - And it's... 379 00:24:12,451 --> 00:24:13,577 Whoomp, there it is. 380 00:24:13,702 --> 00:24:15,855 No, no. I can't talk right now with you. 381 00:24:15,955 --> 00:24:19,300 I'm sorry. You know, everything's in order. So... 382 00:24:19,416 --> 00:24:20,918 - That's fine. - We just wanted to talk about it. 383 00:24:21,043 --> 00:24:24,092 - Later, alligator. - Okay. Bye, Dad. 384 00:24:24,213 --> 00:24:26,323 We'll just leave you to your marijuana, okay? 385 00:24:26,423 --> 00:24:28,551 I'm about to get so high. 386 00:24:29,551 --> 00:24:31,394 My little frowny clowny. 387 00:24:36,809 --> 00:24:37,835 I love you. 388 00:24:37,935 --> 00:24:39,403 - You are... - All right. 389 00:24:57,413 --> 00:25:00,132 Gazpacho boy. 390 00:25:01,083 --> 00:25:02,335 Hey. 391 00:25:03,127 --> 00:25:04,504 You remember me. 392 00:25:04,670 --> 00:25:06,593 Sure. Lunch. 393 00:25:07,423 --> 00:25:10,097 Yeah. It was real cool of you to help me out today. Thanks. 394 00:25:11,427 --> 00:25:13,930 - Is that your family over there? - Yeah. 395 00:25:14,346 --> 00:25:18,442 Dad, Mom, some guy called Steve. 396 00:25:19,935 --> 00:25:21,858 It seems like you guys all get along. 397 00:25:22,438 --> 00:25:25,863 They're good. They share brains. 398 00:25:30,612 --> 00:25:33,286 Now, what's it like being a zombie? 399 00:25:34,992 --> 00:25:36,185 Do you get sad? 400 00:25:36,285 --> 00:25:38,788 Basically, I eat brains. 401 00:25:39,663 --> 00:25:42,441 - And it tastes yummy. - That must be nice. 402 00:25:42,541 --> 00:25:44,794 Think fast, you zombie fuck! 403 00:25:51,133 --> 00:25:52,851 So, that didn't even bother you? 404 00:25:52,968 --> 00:25:55,642 - What? - That asshole just hit you with a slushee. 405 00:25:56,388 --> 00:25:58,311 - He did? - Yeah, he did. 406 00:25:59,850 --> 00:26:01,318 Did he? 407 00:26:03,562 --> 00:26:05,360 You don't feel anything, do you? 408 00:26:09,318 --> 00:26:11,195 Okay, go ahead. 409 00:26:13,363 --> 00:26:14,831 Take a bite. 410 00:26:14,990 --> 00:26:18,210 What? Brains, not foot. 411 00:26:18,660 --> 00:26:20,562 Well, there's a brain in the foot. 412 00:26:20,662 --> 00:26:23,541 - Brain in foot? - Yeah, I put them in there for you. 413 00:26:24,249 --> 00:26:25,842 Foot brain for me? 414 00:26:26,043 --> 00:26:29,172 Bite it before they... I can feel them, they're going to leave. 415 00:26:29,421 --> 00:26:31,549 - Foot brain? - Just bite the brain foot, okay? 416 00:26:31,673 --> 00:26:33,220 - Brain foot. - Hurry! 417 00:27:56,258 --> 00:27:59,979 - Petra, is that you? - Hey, Kathy, how are you? 418 00:28:00,596 --> 00:28:02,769 I actually don't need that magazine. That's fine, thanks. 419 00:28:02,931 --> 00:28:04,103 I think I'm going to just leave. 420 00:28:07,144 --> 00:28:08,253 Sorry. 421 00:28:08,353 --> 00:28:11,507 I never pegged you for a vamp, Petra. 422 00:28:11,607 --> 00:28:12,950 I'm not. 423 00:28:42,679 --> 00:28:45,182 Hey, it's Milan. Leave a message. 424 00:28:54,399 --> 00:28:55,696 Come on! 425 00:29:13,585 --> 00:29:15,178 What the... 426 00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:47,853 All right. Everybody, if you give me a couple of seconds 427 00:29:47,953 --> 00:29:50,189 I will explain everything I know. 428 00:29:50,289 --> 00:29:53,759 - Who put you in charge? - I'm sorry. Do you own a riblet plant? 429 00:29:54,710 --> 00:29:56,153 No. No. 430 00:29:56,253 --> 00:30:00,724 Is that your sexy Porsche Boxster parked outside? No. 431 00:30:00,882 --> 00:30:02,725 Sit down and shut the fuck up. 432 00:30:05,887 --> 00:30:07,706 All we know so far 433 00:30:07,806 --> 00:30:11,106 is that the spacecraft arrived around 8:00 p.m. on Thursday. 434 00:30:11,226 --> 00:30:12,273 What do they want? 435 00:30:12,394 --> 00:30:14,546 We don't know because we haven't made contact yet. 436 00:30:14,646 --> 00:30:16,444 So why did they come? 437 00:30:16,565 --> 00:30:18,909 That's just a rephrasing of the question you just asked. 438 00:30:19,234 --> 00:30:20,577 How... 439 00:30:22,237 --> 00:30:23,409 When... 440 00:30:24,156 --> 00:30:28,502 Okay, am I just high or is everyone here suddenly retarded? 441 00:30:29,578 --> 00:30:30,955 Can't it be both? 442 00:30:32,622 --> 00:30:35,484 - I'm going to go smoke up in your car. - Anybody else? 443 00:30:35,584 --> 00:30:36,735 - Really? - Yeah. 444 00:30:36,835 --> 00:30:38,320 I have a goddamn question. 445 00:30:38,420 --> 00:30:42,596 If the vampires haven't made contact, why aren't there any here? 446 00:30:42,966 --> 00:30:44,138 Yeah! 447 00:30:46,636 --> 00:30:50,999 But seriously, does anyone in this room doubt the possibility 448 00:30:51,099 --> 00:30:54,419 that the humans brought the aliens here to eliminate us? 449 00:30:54,519 --> 00:30:57,005 - No! - Nobody doubts that, right? 450 00:30:57,105 --> 00:30:59,174 They've been wanting to get rid of us for years. 451 00:30:59,274 --> 00:31:01,426 - Yeah! - And now they found a way. 452 00:31:01,526 --> 00:31:05,097 How many of you out there have had your wife or your girlfriend 453 00:31:05,197 --> 00:31:08,600 cheat on you with one of these cold-blooded ecstasy machines? 454 00:31:08,700 --> 00:31:11,169 Raise your hand. Don't be ashamed. Raise your hand. 455 00:31:11,620 --> 00:31:14,064 Okay, I see about 50 liars out there. 456 00:31:14,164 --> 00:31:17,442 They write books about us. They make movies about us. 457 00:31:17,542 --> 00:31:21,217 They dress up like us at Halloween. They're all wampires. 458 00:31:21,338 --> 00:31:24,032 - Just vampire wannabes. - Yeah! 459 00:31:24,132 --> 00:31:25,742 They could do without this planet, God damn it. 460 00:31:25,842 --> 00:31:28,870 They don't need to breathe the air or drink the water. 461 00:31:28,970 --> 00:31:31,143 We're the ones that need to defend this planet! 462 00:31:31,723 --> 00:31:34,543 I read that they are putting garlic in our blood 463 00:31:34,643 --> 00:31:36,920 and you doubt that they're working with the aliens? 464 00:31:37,020 --> 00:31:40,991 We're going to go and make a preemptive strike right now! 465 00:31:42,025 --> 00:31:44,824 - Are you with me? Are you with me? - Yeah! 466 00:31:45,028 --> 00:31:48,032 We need to preempt their preemptive strike 467 00:31:48,156 --> 00:31:50,158 with a preemptive preemptive strike. 468 00:31:52,869 --> 00:31:54,837 I thought this meeting was supposed to be about the aliens. 469 00:31:55,163 --> 00:31:57,712 Aren't you listening, you idiot? It's all about the aliens. 470 00:31:59,334 --> 00:32:01,757 Yeah! Yeah! 471 00:32:20,230 --> 00:32:22,232 Why isn't he saying anything? 472 00:32:24,276 --> 00:32:26,074 About what? 473 00:32:27,446 --> 00:32:29,198 About the aliens. 474 00:32:33,702 --> 00:32:36,706 Hey. Hey, excuse me. 475 00:32:38,707 --> 00:32:40,801 Did you call this meeting for a reason? 476 00:32:41,710 --> 00:32:45,305 Brain rations no come today. 477 00:32:50,385 --> 00:32:55,812 Do you think that maybe it had something to do with the aliens? 478 00:32:57,225 --> 00:32:58,477 Aliens? 479 00:32:58,810 --> 00:33:03,048 Guys, brain rations didn't come 480 00:33:03,148 --> 00:33:04,900 because nobody gives a shit about you. 481 00:33:07,235 --> 00:33:08,637 Yeah. Yeah. 482 00:33:08,737 --> 00:33:10,990 Aren't you tired of being dismissed? 483 00:33:11,448 --> 00:33:15,999 Just dismissed. Aren't you tired of being treated like nothing? 484 00:33:17,787 --> 00:33:21,462 Yeah? Well, why don't we do something about it, huh? 485 00:33:21,750 --> 00:33:22,876 Yeah! 486 00:33:29,424 --> 00:33:30,926 Unbelievable. 487 00:33:31,927 --> 00:33:33,679 No wonder you guys are locked up. 488 00:33:52,656 --> 00:33:54,784 Bloodsucking traitors! 489 00:34:14,135 --> 00:34:18,356 God, I fucking hate you! You're the worst teacher! 490 00:34:22,519 --> 00:34:24,021 Fuck yes! 491 00:34:25,689 --> 00:34:27,532 What are you doing? 492 00:34:34,072 --> 00:34:36,541 - What's cracking? - Only the end of the freaking world. 493 00:34:36,700 --> 00:34:38,043 That's cool. 494 00:34:38,159 --> 00:34:40,979 I'm not kidding. The entire town is murdering each other. 495 00:34:41,079 --> 00:34:44,232 In that case, I guess there's just one thing to do. 496 00:34:44,332 --> 00:34:45,504 God... 497 00:34:47,002 --> 00:34:48,504 Damn, that's a close shave. 498 00:34:48,837 --> 00:34:51,260 I mean, I wouldn't want you to die a virgin. 499 00:34:51,881 --> 00:34:53,178 Sex. 500 00:34:54,509 --> 00:34:57,012 We'll go to my house to have sex. Let's go. 501 00:35:00,390 --> 00:35:01,858 Milan, hey. 502 00:35:03,059 --> 00:35:05,403 - Just give us a second, babe. - Okay. We'll be by the car. 503 00:35:05,604 --> 00:35:06,796 What? Hey! 504 00:35:06,896 --> 00:35:09,900 I think there's something wrong with your phone. I've been trying you all night. 505 00:35:10,025 --> 00:35:11,968 - Yeah, Petra, look... - How messed up is this alien thing? 506 00:35:12,068 --> 00:35:14,036 I'm like, freaking out. 507 00:35:14,696 --> 00:35:16,698 The truth is, Petra, I'm just not that into you. 508 00:35:17,949 --> 00:35:19,246 You're just not that into me? 509 00:35:19,951 --> 00:35:24,206 My soul is undead for all of eternity and you're not that fucking into me? 510 00:35:25,081 --> 00:35:27,300 Chill. Or I'll rip your face off. 511 00:35:30,879 --> 00:35:33,052 Just tell me why. 512 00:35:35,550 --> 00:35:37,723 Why did you sleep with Lorelei but bite me? 513 00:35:38,553 --> 00:35:42,308 Lorelei's a nasty freak with the body of a porn star. 514 00:35:43,475 --> 00:35:45,443 I'm having sex with that. 515 00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:48,404 But you said I was beautiful. Right? 516 00:35:49,105 --> 00:35:51,278 When I see veins like that, I say a lot of things. 517 00:35:52,901 --> 00:35:54,448 It's that pale skin, P. 518 00:35:55,570 --> 00:35:57,163 You're like a walking pop machine. 519 00:36:02,494 --> 00:36:03,916 Come on. 520 00:36:11,670 --> 00:36:14,298 See, baby? Being a vampire ain't all bad. 521 00:36:16,800 --> 00:36:18,347 You're such a dick. 522 00:36:22,806 --> 00:36:24,274 For fuck's sake! 523 00:36:28,436 --> 00:36:29,858 No way! 524 00:36:32,941 --> 00:36:36,491 So, are we going to do this? Or what? 525 00:36:37,028 --> 00:36:38,200 What? 526 00:36:39,447 --> 00:36:40,790 Dear God. 527 00:36:42,951 --> 00:36:44,328 Okay. Okay. 528 00:36:45,286 --> 00:36:47,459 Yeah. We've got to be quick. 529 00:36:48,123 --> 00:36:49,625 That's probably not going to be an issue. 530 00:37:00,468 --> 00:37:01,640 Lorelei, don't go! 531 00:37:06,808 --> 00:37:10,984 - Lorelei, come on! Come on. - Jeez, man, where's the fire? 532 00:37:12,814 --> 00:37:14,487 Holy shit! 533 00:37:15,734 --> 00:37:17,077 No! Lorelei! 534 00:37:26,536 --> 00:37:27,833 Bring it, bloodsuckers! 535 00:37:28,371 --> 00:37:29,748 Fuck you! 536 00:37:30,165 --> 00:37:31,542 Fuck you, too! 537 00:37:45,847 --> 00:37:49,568 Holy fuck, Mr. Mosely. That was awesome. 538 00:37:49,684 --> 00:37:52,688 Awesome? Hell, I've been training for this since you were in Huggies. 539 00:37:53,062 --> 00:37:56,532 Bowflex, Soloflex, coed capoeira. 540 00:37:57,025 --> 00:37:58,368 It's all paying off. 541 00:37:58,526 --> 00:38:00,699 Now, come with me if you want to live. 542 00:38:03,448 --> 00:38:04,700 Oh, God! 543 00:38:05,200 --> 00:38:07,102 No! Please! Oh, God! 544 00:38:07,202 --> 00:38:08,795 - The zombies are eating me! - Stop! 545 00:38:08,912 --> 00:38:11,210 - The zombies are eating me! - No, stop eating him! 546 00:38:11,706 --> 00:38:14,550 I'm a zombie all-you-can-eat buffet. 547 00:38:14,709 --> 00:38:15,777 Oh, God! 548 00:38:15,877 --> 00:38:18,551 - God, I'm going to be sick. - Why won't I pass out? 549 00:38:19,547 --> 00:38:21,641 God, please let me die. 550 00:38:22,634 --> 00:38:27,060 He just put some intestines back and took different intestines! 551 00:38:27,263 --> 00:38:29,165 What the fuck does it matter? 552 00:38:29,265 --> 00:38:31,563 - Why are we still watching? - I don't know. 553 00:38:33,269 --> 00:38:35,112 They ripped off my arm! 554 00:38:35,230 --> 00:38:37,403 That was my bowling arm. 555 00:38:37,565 --> 00:38:40,114 They're eating my bowling arm. 556 00:38:41,236 --> 00:38:42,613 I'm dying. 557 00:38:44,113 --> 00:38:45,615 This is it. 558 00:38:45,740 --> 00:38:47,834 Humans over there! Let's get them! 559 00:38:48,409 --> 00:38:49,581 Run. 560 00:38:50,161 --> 00:38:51,754 What the fuck? 561 00:38:52,121 --> 00:38:54,089 I came back to fucking life! 562 00:38:56,125 --> 00:38:58,753 "...porn star, but you're really all pale and veiny." 563 00:38:59,420 --> 00:39:01,138 Fucking pale and veiny. 564 00:39:02,465 --> 00:39:04,593 You fucking prick. You stupid slut, Lorelei. 565 00:39:06,469 --> 00:39:07,971 Motherfucker. 566 00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:26,827 Holy shit! 567 00:39:39,627 --> 00:39:41,780 - Good boy. That's a good boy. - Shut the fuck up. That's a good boy. 568 00:39:41,880 --> 00:39:43,177 Quiet. 569 00:39:48,678 --> 00:39:49,975 Brains. 570 00:39:54,976 --> 00:39:56,899 Brains! 571 00:39:58,479 --> 00:39:59,822 No! No! 572 00:40:29,010 --> 00:40:31,513 Dag, help me! 573 00:40:45,860 --> 00:40:47,032 No! 574 00:41:05,254 --> 00:41:06,927 No! 575 00:41:52,093 --> 00:41:54,095 Brains! 576 00:41:56,097 --> 00:41:57,940 - Bring it, fuckers. - Really? 577 00:41:58,182 --> 00:42:00,480 "Bring it, fuckers." That's the line you're going with? 578 00:42:01,185 --> 00:42:02,528 Shut up! 579 00:42:29,672 --> 00:42:30,865 Holy... 580 00:42:30,965 --> 00:42:32,467 fucking... 581 00:42:33,551 --> 00:42:35,019 brains. 582 00:42:39,724 --> 00:42:41,317 I'm getting the hell out of here. 583 00:42:45,313 --> 00:42:46,798 Mrs. Miller! Are you in there? 584 00:42:46,898 --> 00:42:48,992 - How did you know this was here? - This is my piano teacher. 585 00:42:51,319 --> 00:42:53,638 Mrs. Miller, please open up! They're coming! 586 00:42:53,738 --> 00:42:55,890 Hey, this is Stuart Miller, her son! 587 00:42:55,990 --> 00:42:59,494 And I know they're coming! I've been predicting a vampire attack for 10 years! 588 00:42:59,660 --> 00:43:02,730 Stuart, it's Dag. It's not the vampires. 589 00:43:02,830 --> 00:43:06,050 It is the aliens. Open up the goddamn door, Stuart. 590 00:43:06,250 --> 00:43:07,718 It's aliens? 591 00:43:08,544 --> 00:43:12,219 Okay, listen. Has anyone tried singing to them or playing a song 592 00:43:12,381 --> 00:43:13,992 and then maybe they play a song back? 593 00:43:14,092 --> 00:43:16,561 They don't seem open to any kind of music or anything like that. 594 00:43:16,677 --> 00:43:20,398 Has anyone stayed around long enough to see a bowel movement? 595 00:43:20,515 --> 00:43:24,669 Maybe we get processed through their body and then they crap us out as higher beings. 596 00:43:24,769 --> 00:43:28,840 It would be disgusting to us, but for them, that could just be a cultural norm. 597 00:43:28,940 --> 00:43:31,034 Open up the goddamn door, Stuart! 598 00:43:31,359 --> 00:43:33,803 Wait a minute. How do I know that you're Dag 599 00:43:33,903 --> 00:43:36,873 and not an alien wearing Dag's skin as some kind of meat suit? 600 00:43:37,698 --> 00:43:42,124 My mom's name is Peg. I have dark hair. I really like miso soup. 601 00:43:42,245 --> 00:43:44,814 "Meep, map, morp, I'm an alien." That's what I'm hearing right now. 602 00:43:44,914 --> 00:43:46,916 - I'm speaking English. - Listen, hey! Pop quiz. 603 00:43:47,041 --> 00:43:48,418 What was the memorable thing that happened 604 00:43:48,543 --> 00:43:51,696 during your sixth grade piano recital when you were halfway through 605 00:43:51,796 --> 00:43:53,698 Erik Satie's Gymnopédies No. 3? 606 00:43:53,798 --> 00:43:56,972 All right, I shit my pants! And you said you had never seen a boy shit so much! 607 00:43:58,719 --> 00:44:00,221 The Dillford Shitter. It's him. 608 00:44:02,223 --> 00:44:05,168 - Come on, come on. Let's go. - Thank you for believing me. 609 00:44:05,268 --> 00:44:06,669 - Come here. Come on, come on. - It's great to see you. 610 00:44:06,769 --> 00:44:07,770 Okay. Dude. 611 00:44:08,896 --> 00:44:11,049 - No, no! It's good. It's all good. - I'm Petra. 612 00:44:11,149 --> 00:44:15,219 No. If I'm going to have a succubus and a shambler in my command bunker 613 00:44:15,319 --> 00:44:18,243 we're going to set a couple of ground rules, okay? I'm alpha dog. 614 00:44:18,739 --> 00:44:23,227 Nana is alpha female. You're number three, then the girl, then the retard. 615 00:44:23,327 --> 00:44:24,395 Great. Good order. 616 00:44:24,495 --> 00:44:27,315 Okay. I feel very uncomfortable saying this, 617 00:44:27,415 --> 00:44:31,511 but we may have to breed. 618 00:44:34,589 --> 00:44:35,636 Is he looking at me? 619 00:44:35,756 --> 00:44:37,975 - Son, did you lock the trapdoor? - On it, sir. 620 00:44:38,092 --> 00:44:39,935 Let's go! Assholes and elbows! 621 00:44:41,095 --> 00:44:42,813 Code Blue, Nana. Code Blue, Nana. 622 00:44:49,478 --> 00:44:53,858 Hey, Mrs. Miller, after all this is done, I'd love to start taking lessons again. 623 00:44:54,025 --> 00:44:56,278 What the shit? What? No, no, no. 624 00:44:57,862 --> 00:45:00,536 - Sorry. - "Sorry"? You ate the Millers. 625 00:45:00,823 --> 00:45:03,793 Yeah, I know. They were just standing there. We were like, "Should we?" 626 00:45:05,286 --> 00:45:06,854 Dag, don't be ridiculous. 627 00:45:06,954 --> 00:45:09,332 I'm not being ridiculous. You're being ridiculous. 628 00:45:09,457 --> 00:45:10,800 You killed my piano teacher. 629 00:45:12,668 --> 00:45:15,279 That was then. This is two minutes from then. 630 00:45:15,379 --> 00:45:17,198 You killed Lorelei, too. 631 00:45:17,298 --> 00:45:19,742 Well, guess what? We're all you've got now. 632 00:45:19,842 --> 00:45:23,246 It's just you and me and him. If one of us dies, we all die. 633 00:45:23,346 --> 00:45:27,317 - He's still eating my piano teacher. - Shit. Ned, drop it. 634 00:45:27,683 --> 00:45:28,980 Drop it. 635 00:45:36,234 --> 00:45:37,827 This is so fucked. 636 00:45:56,754 --> 00:45:57,846 Jesus. 637 00:45:58,756 --> 00:46:00,099 What do you think they're doing up there? 638 00:46:03,594 --> 00:46:04,891 That's okay, I can talk. 639 00:46:06,055 --> 00:46:08,183 Do you remember the last time we were in a basement together? 640 00:46:11,269 --> 00:46:14,899 It was sixth grade. Greg Sheffler's party. Remember? 641 00:46:15,439 --> 00:46:19,177 We played seven minutes in heaven. You told everyone you touched my boobs. 642 00:46:19,277 --> 00:46:22,972 I don't think that that happened, per se. 643 00:46:23,072 --> 00:46:24,640 I probably did touch them. 644 00:46:24,740 --> 00:46:27,602 No, you didn't! You just walked around calling yourself "The Titty Whisperer." 645 00:46:27,702 --> 00:46:29,854 - I don't call boobs titties. - Of course. 646 00:46:29,954 --> 00:46:31,689 So where did they get it into their minds 647 00:46:31,789 --> 00:46:34,275 that you had whispered to any boobs or any titties? 648 00:46:34,375 --> 00:46:38,988 Because we had to whisper downstairs and everybody assumed there would be titties 649 00:46:39,088 --> 00:46:42,934 because you are the girl and I'm the guy and usually the girl takes her titties out 650 00:46:43,050 --> 00:46:45,269 and the guy usually touches them. That's how it goes. 651 00:46:45,386 --> 00:46:46,704 Do you want to know what everybody called me? 652 00:46:46,804 --> 00:46:48,397 - What? - They called me a slut. 653 00:46:48,806 --> 00:46:52,293 Do you remember that? Hello? Do you remember that or not? 654 00:46:52,393 --> 00:46:53,440 Petra, I'm sorry. 655 00:46:54,312 --> 00:46:57,486 It was sixth grade, I didn't know what I was doing, and I'm sorry. 656 00:47:00,609 --> 00:47:01,986 It's fine. 657 00:47:05,239 --> 00:47:07,617 I probably didn't have any titties to whisper to anyway. 658 00:47:08,743 --> 00:47:10,120 Nobody did. 659 00:47:15,082 --> 00:47:17,176 It was dark in that laundry room, but I remember something. 660 00:47:20,921 --> 00:47:22,264 So, who are you these days? 661 00:47:22,840 --> 00:47:25,468 I don't know. How do you even answer a question like that? 662 00:47:26,260 --> 00:47:27,978 - Are you a jock? - Hardly. 663 00:47:28,346 --> 00:47:31,646 All I know about you is that you grew six inches one month. 664 00:47:32,350 --> 00:47:34,318 Yeah, that hurt my knees. 665 00:47:36,020 --> 00:47:39,115 - Are you a stoner? - Not really. That was Lorelei's thing. 666 00:47:39,273 --> 00:47:42,493 Right. Because it must have been so tough for her to get through the day 667 00:47:42,610 --> 00:47:45,534 with her mermaid hair and her gumdrop ass. 668 00:47:45,654 --> 00:47:49,659 Lay off her. You killed her. Isn't that enough? 669 00:47:49,784 --> 00:47:53,288 - You really cared about Lorelei? - Yeah, I did, actually. 670 00:47:54,497 --> 00:47:57,733 - So, why did you hesitate? - Hesitate? 671 00:47:57,833 --> 00:47:59,944 On the stairs. When I grabbed her, you hesitated. 672 00:48:00,044 --> 00:48:04,073 I didn't hesitate. You're thinking about the moment when I have to process the whole... 673 00:48:04,173 --> 00:48:06,742 Look. All I'm saying is that when you really care about somebody 674 00:48:06,842 --> 00:48:08,703 you don't hesitate or process. 675 00:48:08,803 --> 00:48:09,912 You just jump right in. 676 00:48:10,012 --> 00:48:11,122 Just jump right in? 677 00:48:11,222 --> 00:48:13,850 I guess that's how you made the genius decision to become a vampire. 678 00:48:15,976 --> 00:48:18,479 - I don't want to talk about that. - You don't want to talk about that? 679 00:48:18,646 --> 00:48:21,590 I guess we were having a pretty good conversation, we were really getting it going 680 00:48:21,690 --> 00:48:24,034 and then you just don't want to talk about it? Okay. 681 00:48:24,151 --> 00:48:26,995 All right. Well, then I'm just going to talk to the Millers then. 682 00:48:27,488 --> 00:48:28,597 Are you guys doing okay? 683 00:48:28,697 --> 00:48:31,871 Can I get you, maybe, a milkshake or a bowl of cereal? 684 00:48:50,928 --> 00:48:52,100 Are you seeing this? 685 00:48:54,390 --> 00:48:56,188 - You're the worst. - What? 686 00:49:01,439 --> 00:49:02,565 No! 687 00:49:02,690 --> 00:49:05,301 - I love this song. - I hate this song. Please. 688 00:49:05,401 --> 00:49:07,745 - You hate this song? Who hates this song? - Turn this off. 689 00:49:07,862 --> 00:49:09,180 Look. Even Ned loves this song. 690 00:49:09,280 --> 00:49:12,475 No. This song makes me think of my parents when they go into their bedroom 691 00:49:12,575 --> 00:49:14,685 to smoke weed and probably have sex. 692 00:49:14,785 --> 00:49:17,755 Your parents smoke weed? That's really cool. 693 00:49:17,872 --> 00:49:20,983 It's not cool. You probably only think it's cool because your parents don't. 694 00:49:21,083 --> 00:49:24,428 Yeah, but my parents are dead, so they can't. 695 00:49:25,713 --> 00:49:28,262 Don't sweat it. It happened a million years ago. 696 00:49:30,092 --> 00:49:31,389 Parents. 697 00:49:31,552 --> 00:49:33,896 - Did he just say "Parents"? - It's the brains. 698 00:49:34,722 --> 00:49:36,065 If he doesn't eat them, he gets smarter. 699 00:49:37,224 --> 00:49:38,817 I took Bio of the Undead last year. 700 00:49:39,727 --> 00:49:41,570 - Stupid parents. - No, no. 701 00:49:42,646 --> 00:49:44,899 His parents are kind of a sore subject. 702 00:49:46,484 --> 00:49:47,906 I didn't know you guys were friends. 703 00:49:49,945 --> 00:49:51,447 I get it. 704 00:49:52,406 --> 00:49:55,751 Like you used to be friends, right? What happened? 705 00:49:57,995 --> 00:49:59,918 We just drifted apart. 706 00:50:01,957 --> 00:50:03,425 You got cool and decided to ditch him. 707 00:50:05,294 --> 00:50:07,592 That's not what happened. I wouldn't do that. 708 00:50:07,755 --> 00:50:10,008 Well, at least you lucked out in the parents department. 709 00:50:10,132 --> 00:50:13,102 I didn't luck out. My parents are insane. 710 00:50:13,594 --> 00:50:17,269 They're like perfect parents. My dad's a child psychologist. 711 00:50:17,598 --> 00:50:21,353 My mom's just a parent, doesn't do anything but care about her son. 712 00:50:22,186 --> 00:50:25,172 They do guitar duets and they want me to sing along to them. 713 00:50:25,272 --> 00:50:27,591 We make our own ice cream every Sunday. 714 00:50:27,691 --> 00:50:29,760 - We have to have family yoga on Saturdays. - Pure hell. 715 00:50:29,860 --> 00:50:31,053 - A lot of families do that. - Yeah. 716 00:50:31,153 --> 00:50:32,325 That's super normal. 717 00:50:32,988 --> 00:50:34,223 Boo-hoo. 718 00:50:34,323 --> 00:50:35,620 Boo-hoo. 719 00:50:36,659 --> 00:50:40,604 - It's a joke? - No. You were just listing beautiful things. 720 00:50:40,704 --> 00:50:43,378 You know something? My parents are probably dead now, too. 721 00:50:51,715 --> 00:50:52,783 I'm sorry. 722 00:50:52,883 --> 00:50:56,183 No, I'm sorry. I'm losing my mind in here a little bit. 723 00:50:56,303 --> 00:50:58,351 - I've been in here way too long. - I know. 724 00:50:58,472 --> 00:51:01,584 Can I ask you a personal question? How long can you go without blood? 725 00:51:01,684 --> 00:51:06,255 I have no idea. But hey, while we're being honest with each other, 726 00:51:06,355 --> 00:51:09,575 I should probably tell you, I keep wondering why it is I don't just drink you. 727 00:51:09,692 --> 00:51:12,491 - Because I'll spear you in the tits. - Yeah? He'll eat your brains. 728 00:51:12,653 --> 00:51:14,530 - Brains? - Chill out! No. 729 00:51:15,072 --> 00:51:19,077 All right, look, we gotta go to my parents' house and I want to see if they're alive. 730 00:51:19,743 --> 00:51:21,666 I can't go anywhere until I eat. 731 00:51:22,162 --> 00:51:24,231 Then we'll go to the high school. It's on the way. 732 00:51:24,331 --> 00:51:26,984 We'll get food and we'll get blood there. And then we'll go to my house. 733 00:51:27,084 --> 00:51:30,759 Okay, fine, great. So we do that and your parents are alive. Then what? 734 00:51:31,589 --> 00:51:33,762 There's still an alien apocalypse going on. 735 00:51:36,510 --> 00:51:40,231 Ned. Look, if we starve him of brains, he'll get smarter. 736 00:51:40,347 --> 00:51:42,500 So we stay alive long enough for him to figure out 737 00:51:42,600 --> 00:51:45,586 how to get rid of these aliens and save everybody's lives. 738 00:51:45,686 --> 00:51:47,254 That's a plan, right? 739 00:51:47,354 --> 00:51:50,699 I mean, it's... It's plan-ish. 740 00:51:57,698 --> 00:52:00,417 - What do you see? - Nothing. I think we're clear. 741 00:52:04,913 --> 00:52:07,086 - What did you see? - It's one of them. It's one of them. 742 00:52:07,207 --> 00:52:09,084 - Okay, did he see you? - Yeah. No. 743 00:52:11,295 --> 00:52:12,547 Back door! Go, go! 744 00:52:13,422 --> 00:52:16,426 - No. Fuck, it's locked! - Just use your vampire strength. 745 00:52:16,884 --> 00:52:18,978 Are you 12? There's no "vampire strength." 746 00:52:20,888 --> 00:52:22,640 Okay. Go! Ned, come on! 747 00:52:24,433 --> 00:52:25,605 Okay. 748 00:52:25,726 --> 00:52:28,070 - What? - Shit. I'm a vampire. 749 00:52:29,897 --> 00:52:32,491 - Oh, my God! - It's okay. It's okay. 750 00:52:36,153 --> 00:52:37,575 Cover your head. Cover up! 751 00:52:39,448 --> 00:52:42,247 Aliens. 752 00:52:42,743 --> 00:52:44,620 Aliens. 753 00:52:44,745 --> 00:52:47,669 Okay. Okay. I'm okay. 754 00:52:48,916 --> 00:52:51,135 Okay. Don't you wear underwear? 755 00:52:51,335 --> 00:52:54,839 - Shut up. It bunches. - Aliens! 756 00:52:55,464 --> 00:52:57,575 Whatever happens, we meet back at the high school, okay? 757 00:52:57,675 --> 00:52:58,972 Okay. Ned! 758 00:53:18,987 --> 00:53:20,204 Dag? 759 00:53:21,782 --> 00:53:22,954 Dag? 760 00:53:23,283 --> 00:53:25,001 Shit, he should have been here by now. 761 00:53:26,704 --> 00:53:28,206 Are you okay? 762 00:53:29,206 --> 00:53:31,379 I think I might be having withdrawals. 763 00:53:32,042 --> 00:53:33,965 - Withdrawals from brains? - Yeah. 764 00:53:34,461 --> 00:53:35,713 That's messed up. 765 00:53:40,342 --> 00:53:42,310 - Help! Open it! - Shit. 766 00:53:43,220 --> 00:53:46,019 Damn it. You scared the shit out of us. 767 00:53:46,849 --> 00:53:49,068 It's nice to see you, too. 768 00:53:49,226 --> 00:53:51,649 Can I have my clothes back before an alien spikes my asshole? 769 00:53:51,812 --> 00:53:53,155 Yeah. 770 00:53:55,607 --> 00:53:57,217 I wish I would have had this earlier. 771 00:53:57,317 --> 00:54:01,697 So, what happened? I thought maybe the aliens got you. 772 00:54:01,822 --> 00:54:04,496 No, it was weird. They were all around me 773 00:54:04,658 --> 00:54:07,912 but they just kept passing me by like they couldn't see me. 774 00:54:18,046 --> 00:54:22,051 They couldn't see you because you were naked, dumbass. 775 00:54:22,426 --> 00:54:23,598 What? 776 00:54:29,391 --> 00:54:32,691 It's highly likely their vision can only detect inorganic matter. 777 00:54:34,188 --> 00:54:35,610 That's my theory, anyway. 778 00:54:36,356 --> 00:54:38,029 - Ned. - We need to eat. 779 00:54:40,903 --> 00:54:42,530 I've got to get me some brains. 780 00:54:43,697 --> 00:54:45,099 Now, what happened to you, Ned? 781 00:54:45,199 --> 00:54:47,873 I mean, how does the smartest kid in school get bitten by a zombie? 782 00:54:49,036 --> 00:54:51,209 It's pretty easy, actually. 783 00:54:51,914 --> 00:54:53,291 You got bitten on purpose? 784 00:54:56,877 --> 00:54:58,696 Why would you do that? 785 00:54:58,796 --> 00:55:01,424 You know, I used to worry about everything, you know? 786 00:55:01,882 --> 00:55:04,135 Getting straight A's, my dad. 787 00:55:05,427 --> 00:55:07,395 Now I just slow my roll, you know? 788 00:55:07,638 --> 00:55:10,812 You just threw it all away to space out? That's weak. 789 00:55:11,558 --> 00:55:13,001 It's funny. 790 00:55:13,101 --> 00:55:17,673 We haven't talked in years. Suddenly he gives a shit that I'm a zombie. 791 00:55:17,773 --> 00:55:20,175 What was I supposed to do, spend all of high school with you 792 00:55:20,275 --> 00:55:22,949 playing Minecraft and hacking the school's servers? 793 00:55:23,070 --> 00:55:25,289 As I recall, you thought hacking was pretty cool! 794 00:55:25,405 --> 00:55:27,891 Yeah, Minecraft and freaking DoS attacks were cool! 795 00:55:27,991 --> 00:55:29,560 - Yeah, so cool. - In seventh grade. 796 00:55:29,660 --> 00:55:30,853 "We're hackers, Ned." 797 00:55:30,953 --> 00:55:34,753 But I'm not going to spend all of high school getting my ass kicked in Loserville! All right? 798 00:55:35,749 --> 00:55:37,592 Where are you going? 799 00:55:38,335 --> 00:55:40,758 - Come on, don't be an asshole. - You're an asshole! 800 00:55:42,506 --> 00:55:44,508 - I'm an asshole? - Yeah. 801 00:55:49,096 --> 00:55:50,348 Asshole. 802 00:55:51,431 --> 00:55:52,648 What... 803 00:55:55,143 --> 00:55:56,269 Dag? 804 00:55:58,355 --> 00:55:59,857 Dag, are you in here? 805 00:56:02,359 --> 00:56:03,611 Hello? 806 00:56:05,320 --> 00:56:06,446 Hey. 807 00:56:07,614 --> 00:56:09,036 What are you doing in the old boiler? 808 00:56:10,284 --> 00:56:11,536 Nothing. 809 00:56:12,661 --> 00:56:13,833 Okay. 810 00:56:16,456 --> 00:56:17,799 No, wait. 811 00:56:19,209 --> 00:56:21,303 Great. Now we're both stuck in here. 812 00:56:22,129 --> 00:56:23,301 Cool. 813 00:56:25,507 --> 00:56:27,635 - Is this funny to you? - Yeah, a little. 814 00:56:29,553 --> 00:56:32,080 I was coming in here to thank you, 815 00:56:32,180 --> 00:56:36,026 you know, for saving my life back at the Millers'. 816 00:56:38,312 --> 00:56:39,655 Well, you're welcome. 817 00:56:43,317 --> 00:56:44,534 And... 818 00:56:45,819 --> 00:56:49,039 I'm sorry for killing Lorelei. 819 00:56:52,200 --> 00:56:55,437 Thank you. I mean, what am I supposed to say to that? 820 00:56:55,537 --> 00:56:57,898 I don't know, Dag. I'm trying my best here, okay? 821 00:56:57,998 --> 00:56:59,066 Okay. 822 00:56:59,166 --> 00:57:04,279 Hey, maybe you could admit that Lorelei was sort of a raging bitch. 823 00:57:04,379 --> 00:57:07,553 Yeah, I mean, she was a little bit of a bitch, but I really liked her. 824 00:57:08,675 --> 00:57:09,892 I did. 825 00:57:10,344 --> 00:57:11,516 Fuck. 826 00:57:14,181 --> 00:57:15,958 You know, while you were busy really liking her, 827 00:57:16,058 --> 00:57:17,935 she was busy really fucking my boyfriend. 828 00:57:21,063 --> 00:57:22,235 But she was a virgin. 829 00:57:25,943 --> 00:57:27,411 Yeah, that's perfect. 830 00:57:29,529 --> 00:57:32,349 So, Lorelei screws Milan and ends up the coveted virgin, 831 00:57:32,449 --> 00:57:35,310 but I get bitten and I'm a slut for life. 832 00:57:35,410 --> 00:57:38,038 That's not what I meant. I'm sorry. 833 00:57:38,789 --> 00:57:42,359 That's why I bit her, okay? I saw her and I just snapped. 834 00:57:42,459 --> 00:57:45,429 I know I shouldn't have done it, but I did and I'm sorry. 835 00:57:45,545 --> 00:57:46,922 Okay, okay. 836 00:57:48,715 --> 00:57:52,891 I can't believe that I'm that girl for eternity. 837 00:57:53,637 --> 00:57:55,059 No, no, no. You're not. 838 00:57:59,226 --> 00:58:00,648 You're not. 839 00:58:00,769 --> 00:58:01,986 I am. 840 00:58:09,111 --> 00:58:10,738 It's dark in here. 841 00:58:11,321 --> 00:58:15,167 It reminds me of Greg Sheffler's laundry room. 842 00:58:17,953 --> 00:58:19,125 So, 843 00:58:20,497 --> 00:58:22,465 the only question is, are you going to chicken out? 844 00:58:35,637 --> 00:58:37,935 - Okay. - It will be all right. 845 00:58:40,642 --> 00:58:42,110 - Wait, wait. - What? 846 00:58:42,811 --> 00:58:43,858 I've never done this before. 847 00:58:44,104 --> 00:58:46,983 You mean the Titty Whisperer's a virgin? 848 00:58:47,274 --> 00:58:48,275 So am I. 849 00:58:49,818 --> 00:58:51,511 Don't say, "Really?" 850 00:58:51,611 --> 00:58:53,113 I was going to say, "Really?" 851 00:58:58,785 --> 00:58:59,877 Wait, wait. 852 00:59:02,205 --> 00:59:03,957 What's happening? 853 00:59:04,291 --> 00:59:06,669 I did it. I did it. Wait. 854 00:59:12,340 --> 00:59:14,684 - I get you that excited? - Yes. 855 00:59:16,344 --> 00:59:17,561 Come here. 856 00:59:25,687 --> 00:59:27,985 - Are we continuing? - Yeah. 857 00:59:30,525 --> 00:59:32,869 - Do you want me to do anything? - No, just shut up. 858 00:59:47,167 --> 00:59:48,214 What? 859 00:59:49,544 --> 00:59:51,012 Did you get me? 860 00:59:51,171 --> 00:59:52,823 No, I don't think I did. 861 00:59:52,923 --> 00:59:56,177 No, no. It's okay. I was scared I might have gotten... 862 00:59:56,593 --> 00:59:58,620 - No, I would never do that. - Okay, okay. I'm sorry. 863 00:59:58,720 --> 01:00:01,164 - No, no. This was a mistake. - Petra, I'm fine. 864 01:00:01,264 --> 01:00:03,458 - No. You are a coward. - Look, I'm fine. 865 01:00:03,558 --> 01:00:04,684 - No! - I'm fine! 866 01:00:05,018 --> 01:00:07,020 Petra! Wait! 867 01:00:08,688 --> 01:00:10,531 You could jump out this whole time? 868 01:00:11,691 --> 01:00:14,740 She could jump out this whole time. I'm such a dick. 869 01:00:15,737 --> 01:00:18,115 - I totally agree. - Ned? 870 01:00:19,199 --> 01:00:22,203 Yeah. First guess. Very impressive. 871 01:00:24,371 --> 01:00:25,964 How much of that did you hear? 872 01:00:26,623 --> 01:00:28,876 Just enough to know you're still a virgin. 873 01:00:30,252 --> 01:00:32,050 Have fun being a virgin. 874 01:00:32,963 --> 01:00:34,806 - Fuck off! - All right. 875 01:00:35,215 --> 01:00:39,595 Do you need me to get you some clean underwear while I'm fucking off? 876 01:00:51,273 --> 01:00:53,651 Petra? Petra! 877 01:00:55,402 --> 01:00:56,779 Petra. Hey. 878 01:00:57,821 --> 01:01:00,348 - Listen. Can we please talk? - Don't touch me. 879 01:01:00,448 --> 01:01:01,950 - Please. - Look. 880 01:01:02,242 --> 01:01:04,916 Yeah. That's what I came to tell you guys. 881 01:01:05,245 --> 01:01:08,398 It seems like they're searching for something. We have to leave town. 882 01:01:08,498 --> 01:01:11,502 No. No, we're going to my parents' house first. 883 01:01:11,793 --> 01:01:12,965 Wait. 884 01:01:14,087 --> 01:01:16,465 The aliens can't find us if they can't see us. 885 01:01:17,424 --> 01:01:18,596 Right? 886 01:01:20,927 --> 01:01:22,019 What? 887 01:01:33,106 --> 01:01:36,781 FYI, my dick is bigger than yours. 888 01:01:37,194 --> 01:01:40,198 Come on, Ned. You're such a dick. 889 01:01:40,780 --> 01:01:42,282 We said we weren't going to look. 890 01:01:42,991 --> 01:01:44,288 I lied. 891 01:01:46,536 --> 01:01:47,628 Great. 892 01:01:48,622 --> 01:01:50,398 Okay, let's go. 893 01:01:50,498 --> 01:01:52,125 Let's go, let's go. Run! 894 01:01:52,792 --> 01:01:54,965 - Ned, come on! Come on! - You guys, hurry! 895 01:01:56,338 --> 01:01:57,715 Go, Petra. 896 01:02:00,133 --> 01:02:01,806 Come on, come on. 897 01:02:05,972 --> 01:02:07,064 Mom? 898 01:02:09,184 --> 01:02:10,310 Dad? 899 01:02:12,812 --> 01:02:13,984 Mom? 900 01:02:14,648 --> 01:02:15,740 Dad? 901 01:02:17,901 --> 01:02:19,494 Mom, it's Dag! 902 01:02:20,654 --> 01:02:22,406 Are you guys here? 903 01:02:22,989 --> 01:02:24,081 Mom? 904 01:02:24,491 --> 01:02:26,334 Come out. Please come out. 905 01:02:34,417 --> 01:02:36,153 - Do you hear that? - Where? 906 01:02:36,253 --> 01:02:38,321 The basement. Wait. 907 01:02:38,421 --> 01:02:39,889 Dad! Guys. 908 01:02:41,549 --> 01:02:44,161 But it appears as if the alien forcefield, 909 01:02:44,261 --> 01:02:46,454 in addition to blocking the town off from all aid... 910 01:02:46,554 --> 01:02:47,664 I'm sure they're alive. 911 01:02:47,764 --> 01:02:49,766 They're not. They're not. 912 01:03:10,453 --> 01:03:11,955 No! Ned! No! 913 01:03:26,094 --> 01:03:27,220 Are you all right? 914 01:03:34,436 --> 01:03:36,379 No! Ned! 915 01:03:36,479 --> 01:03:38,072 - Get out! - Ned! 916 01:03:38,898 --> 01:03:40,115 Ned! 917 01:03:41,151 --> 01:03:42,403 No! 918 01:03:47,240 --> 01:03:48,617 He's gone. 919 01:04:15,185 --> 01:04:18,255 He tried to save me. That's why he's dead. 920 01:04:18,355 --> 01:04:20,423 I don't even have the guts to talk to him at school 921 01:04:20,523 --> 01:04:23,493 or help him out when some asshole trips him. 922 01:04:23,610 --> 01:04:26,204 Hey, come on. That's not your fault. 923 01:04:27,614 --> 01:04:29,366 That's high school. 924 01:04:30,283 --> 01:04:31,375 No. 925 01:04:32,619 --> 01:04:34,212 You were right. 926 01:04:35,538 --> 01:04:38,291 We didn't just drift apart. I ditched him. 927 01:04:40,460 --> 01:04:43,464 His dad used to force Ned to be on the team. 928 01:04:43,963 --> 01:04:47,638 Back when he was trying to mold him into a new Chaz Jr. 929 01:04:48,468 --> 01:04:51,472 And so Ned finds himself out there, 930 01:04:52,972 --> 01:04:56,146 deep left, last inning, last game. 931 01:04:56,976 --> 01:05:00,731 And I'm on the mound and I serve up this meatball. 932 01:05:01,648 --> 01:05:04,026 And the kid hits the snot out of it. 933 01:05:04,150 --> 01:05:07,053 It's like this thing has eyes for where Ned's standing. 934 01:05:07,153 --> 01:05:10,999 And right at the moment of truth, it's about to hit Ned's glove 935 01:05:11,574 --> 01:05:15,920 and boom, Chaz Jr. just obliterates him 936 01:05:16,579 --> 01:05:19,048 and grabs the ball like it's nothing. 937 01:05:19,165 --> 01:05:21,042 Game over. Mosely Auto wins. 938 01:05:22,585 --> 01:05:24,178 Everybody mobs Chaz Jr. 939 01:05:25,004 --> 01:05:27,553 And I remember looking out into the outfield grass 940 01:05:28,550 --> 01:05:30,598 and Ned's still there, 941 01:05:31,594 --> 01:05:33,892 just looking for his glasses. 942 01:05:35,682 --> 01:05:38,026 That's the thing. He didn't... 943 01:05:39,436 --> 01:05:41,359 He never got a chance. 944 01:05:41,855 --> 01:05:44,591 It's not like he dropped it. He never got a chance. 945 01:05:44,691 --> 01:05:45,863 Yeah. 946 01:05:53,700 --> 01:05:56,874 I never really knew Ned until he was a zombie. 947 01:05:58,121 --> 01:05:59,794 But he was kind. 948 01:06:00,707 --> 01:06:02,425 And he was brave. 949 01:06:04,043 --> 01:06:06,045 And he had a huge cock. 950 01:06:10,300 --> 01:06:11,597 Ashes to ashes. 951 01:06:13,428 --> 01:06:14,454 We'll miss you, Ned. 952 01:06:14,554 --> 01:06:17,123 Nice speech, douchebag. I preferred Petra's. 953 01:06:17,223 --> 01:06:19,442 - Ned! - Are you okay? 954 01:06:19,559 --> 01:06:21,732 Oh, my God! Sit down, here. 955 01:06:22,270 --> 01:06:24,964 - Shit. We thought you were dead. - I wasn't dead. 956 01:06:25,064 --> 01:06:28,385 I was dematerialized and reassembled. 957 01:06:28,485 --> 01:06:30,112 Is everyone alive? Are my parents alive? 958 01:06:30,236 --> 01:06:33,640 I don't know. You must have killed the alien before it could send me to the right place. 959 01:06:33,740 --> 01:06:35,058 So, instead of going where everyone else went, 960 01:06:35,158 --> 01:06:37,227 I ended up at the Little Caesars on Lakeview. 961 01:06:37,327 --> 01:06:38,853 - What? - What do we do now? 962 01:06:38,953 --> 01:06:41,752 We give the alien what they came for. 963 01:06:42,123 --> 01:06:43,750 Think about it. 964 01:06:45,418 --> 01:06:49,594 Why would they pick Dillford? What's the one thing our town's known for? 965 01:06:49,839 --> 01:06:51,491 You're around it every day. 966 01:06:51,591 --> 01:06:53,013 Wait, riblets? 967 01:06:53,301 --> 01:06:55,429 They flew a billion miles for a great sandwich? 968 01:06:55,762 --> 01:06:57,856 They want what's in the riblets. 969 01:06:58,014 --> 01:07:00,642 - Little ribs? - Tetrafluoraxipan. 970 01:07:00,767 --> 01:07:01,751 What the hell is that? 971 01:07:01,851 --> 01:07:06,840 It's the chemical that Malphasta uses to make horse cartilage taste like real meat. 972 01:07:06,940 --> 01:07:09,426 - That's what they want. - What? How are you so sure? 973 01:07:09,526 --> 01:07:11,199 - Because look. - Oh, my God. 974 01:07:12,654 --> 01:07:15,849 Why is that so gross? My face has been melting for a day. 975 01:07:15,949 --> 01:07:18,435 - There's pus. Ned! - Oh, my God, that's horrible. 976 01:07:18,535 --> 01:07:20,162 - Oh, God. - Ned, please put it away. 977 01:07:20,286 --> 01:07:22,939 It's an allergic reaction from when the alien grabbed me. 978 01:07:23,039 --> 01:07:25,792 - And do you know what I'm allergic to? - Tree nuts? 979 01:07:26,125 --> 01:07:27,172 Dairy? 980 01:07:27,293 --> 01:07:28,445 Ragweed? 981 01:07:28,545 --> 01:07:29,571 Tarragon? 982 01:07:29,671 --> 01:07:31,673 Tetrafluoraxipan, guys. 983 01:07:32,131 --> 01:07:33,678 I thought I was spoon-feeding you, guys. 984 01:07:33,800 --> 01:07:35,677 - I really thought it was easy. - Yeah. 985 01:07:35,802 --> 01:07:39,557 Look, all we gotta do is give the alien this chemical, 986 01:07:39,889 --> 01:07:42,062 and they'll leave us alone. 987 01:07:49,315 --> 01:07:51,693 Come on. Get over here. 988 01:07:55,738 --> 01:07:58,161 - Rick, are you there? - Dougie, is that you? 989 01:07:58,741 --> 01:08:01,728 Yes. Rick, yes, it's Dag. Please let us in. 990 01:08:01,828 --> 01:08:03,938 How do we know it's not an alien pretending to be him? 991 01:08:04,038 --> 01:08:08,109 I got it. What happened to you at the Harvest Carnival five years ago? 992 01:08:08,209 --> 01:08:09,711 Fucking hell. 993 01:08:12,005 --> 01:08:14,383 I shit myself in the dunk tank. 994 01:08:14,507 --> 01:08:15,679 What? 995 01:08:18,177 --> 01:08:20,771 I shit myself in the dunk tank! 996 01:08:21,180 --> 01:08:23,057 It's him. Let him in. 997 01:08:24,183 --> 01:08:26,169 I thought you shit yourself at your piano recital. 998 01:08:26,269 --> 01:08:28,692 It was a bad week, okay? Come on! 999 01:08:31,608 --> 01:08:34,578 So, let me get this straight. You're telling me that these aliens 1000 01:08:34,694 --> 01:08:36,788 can't see you if you're naked. 1001 01:08:38,197 --> 01:08:40,767 Then how did you three morons get here? 1002 01:08:40,867 --> 01:08:45,146 Well, these clothes are organic cotton, so they're no different from our skin. 1003 01:08:45,246 --> 01:08:47,089 Right. I forgot your mom's a filthy hippie. 1004 01:08:47,206 --> 01:08:48,858 Your blood, darling. 1005 01:08:48,958 --> 01:08:50,050 - Thank you. - Yeah. 1006 01:08:51,210 --> 01:08:53,053 Thank you. Will you check on the zombie kid for me? 1007 01:08:53,921 --> 01:08:55,548 I will do that. 1008 01:08:56,215 --> 01:09:00,370 So, you ladies would have me believe that a bunch of aliens packed themselves 1009 01:09:00,470 --> 01:09:04,816 into spaceships and flew a zillion miles to Earth just to get some riblets. 1010 01:09:05,058 --> 01:09:06,560 - Yeah. - Yeah. 1011 01:09:06,726 --> 01:09:08,569 Did they say how much they would pay? 1012 01:09:08,978 --> 01:09:10,480 Rick, please. 1013 01:09:10,772 --> 01:09:13,116 Just give them what they want. 1014 01:09:13,232 --> 01:09:16,782 You'd be a hero. They'll probably make a statue out of you. 1015 01:09:16,903 --> 01:09:19,305 Do you realize the entire town is being held captive somewhere? 1016 01:09:19,405 --> 01:09:21,641 Probably having probes shoved up their assholes. 1017 01:09:21,741 --> 01:09:23,789 Right. Statue. 1018 01:09:25,745 --> 01:09:27,622 And meanwhile, Daisy and I are fine. I wonder why. 1019 01:09:27,747 --> 01:09:30,466 That's right. Because we didn't run into the middle of town with pitchforks, 1020 01:09:30,583 --> 01:09:32,130 trying to brain our neighbors. You know what? 1021 01:09:32,251 --> 01:09:34,299 Those people are maniacs, and as far as I'm concerned, 1022 01:09:34,420 --> 01:09:36,155 the wider and deeper the probes, the better. 1023 01:09:36,255 --> 01:09:37,824 Hey, those are my parents you're talking about. 1024 01:09:37,924 --> 01:09:41,286 Well, I guess there's going to be shorter lines at the Parker family bathroom this year. 1025 01:09:41,386 --> 01:09:43,246 - What did you say? - I think you heard me. 1026 01:09:43,346 --> 01:09:44,438 You motherfucker! 1027 01:09:45,098 --> 01:09:46,315 Daisy! 1028 01:09:47,809 --> 01:09:49,811 - Ned! - Fuck! Ned, no. 1029 01:09:50,645 --> 01:09:53,273 - Wait. No brains. - You ate my Daisy, you fuck! 1030 01:09:53,606 --> 01:09:55,950 - Oh, dear God in heaven. - Shit. 1031 01:09:56,109 --> 01:09:59,488 - God, we're really sorry, Rick. - You're sorry? I loved this woman. 1032 01:09:59,612 --> 01:10:03,287 Can we just talk? Please! Don't do this! 1033 01:10:04,283 --> 01:10:05,785 We need help. 1034 01:10:08,287 --> 01:10:10,289 - That's it. - What? 1035 01:10:11,332 --> 01:10:12,504 Yeah. 1036 01:10:13,126 --> 01:10:14,628 I'm having an idea. 1037 01:10:15,461 --> 01:10:18,305 This isn't an idea. This is suicide. 1038 01:10:18,840 --> 01:10:21,639 Look, Ned did it and he's fine. Kind of. 1039 01:10:21,843 --> 01:10:25,347 If we hadn't killed that alien, it would have sent him where it sent everybody else. 1040 01:10:25,471 --> 01:10:26,789 Are you fucking insane? 1041 01:10:26,889 --> 01:10:29,517 The three of us alone can't do shit. 1042 01:10:30,309 --> 01:10:33,313 We need help. Come on, let's do this. 1043 01:10:35,481 --> 01:10:37,575 We're still a team, right? 1044 01:10:39,652 --> 01:10:41,325 Let's do it now. 1045 01:10:45,032 --> 01:10:46,534 I love you guys. 1046 01:10:55,042 --> 01:10:57,261 Come and get it! Come and get it! 1047 01:11:12,185 --> 01:11:13,357 Mom? 1048 01:11:15,855 --> 01:11:16,902 Dag! 1049 01:11:17,231 --> 01:11:19,859 Petra. Oh, God! You look great. 1050 01:11:20,026 --> 01:11:23,701 Look, let's not beat around the bush. You've had blood. 1051 01:11:23,905 --> 01:11:26,265 - Hook a vampire up. - Are you serious? 1052 01:11:26,365 --> 01:11:29,414 Petra, please. Now's not the time to get all periodic on me! 1053 01:11:31,537 --> 01:11:32,709 Thanks. 1054 01:11:34,290 --> 01:11:38,045 Go fuck yourself. And you were right. Being a vampire isn't that bad. 1055 01:11:40,379 --> 01:11:41,551 Bitch. 1056 01:11:42,256 --> 01:11:43,553 Son! 1057 01:11:45,051 --> 01:11:46,803 Son! 1058 01:11:50,598 --> 01:11:52,225 Dad? 1059 01:11:52,391 --> 01:11:55,986 Yes, Ned. It is I, your father! 1060 01:11:56,729 --> 01:11:58,231 I have been a terrible parent. 1061 01:11:58,731 --> 01:12:00,717 I never paid attention to you. 1062 01:12:00,817 --> 01:12:03,386 I blew your college fund on OxyContin. 1063 01:12:03,486 --> 01:12:06,806 I don't even sell Hyundais. I sell Kias. 1064 01:12:06,906 --> 01:12:08,725 Kias?! 1065 01:12:08,825 --> 01:12:10,577 Shameful, I know. 1066 01:12:11,452 --> 01:12:12,578 Point is, 1067 01:12:13,287 --> 01:12:15,005 I've got major issues. 1068 01:12:15,414 --> 01:12:20,170 But I love you. Now and forever. 1069 01:12:22,755 --> 01:12:25,099 I love you too, dickwad. 1070 01:12:28,344 --> 01:12:29,470 Mom? 1071 01:12:30,096 --> 01:12:31,268 Dad? 1072 01:12:32,306 --> 01:12:34,274 - Dag! Dag. - Hey. 1073 01:12:35,101 --> 01:12:37,837 My sweet, little frowny clown. 1074 01:12:37,937 --> 01:12:41,612 Hey! You got all that time-slime on you. 1075 01:12:42,859 --> 01:12:44,611 Hey, look who we found. 1076 01:12:44,986 --> 01:12:46,283 Lorelei. 1077 01:12:46,821 --> 01:12:49,950 Hi. What the hell is that thing? 1078 01:12:50,449 --> 01:12:52,602 It's some kind of alien forcefield. 1079 01:12:52,702 --> 01:12:55,672 It separates us from the vampires and the zombies. 1080 01:12:55,788 --> 01:12:57,790 I call it the firewall. 1081 01:13:00,710 --> 01:13:03,054 At this point, fuck it, right? 1082 01:13:03,462 --> 01:13:04,679 - Dag! Hey! - Hey. 1083 01:13:04,797 --> 01:13:08,222 Petra. I haven't seen you since you murdered me. 1084 01:13:09,135 --> 01:13:10,307 Yeah. 1085 01:13:11,220 --> 01:13:13,314 Look, I'm really sorry about that. 1086 01:13:13,514 --> 01:13:16,959 No, don't apologize. I mean, look at my tits. 1087 01:13:17,059 --> 01:13:19,653 - They're, like, twice the size now. - God damn. 1088 01:13:20,354 --> 01:13:22,131 - Ned! Hey, how are you doing, buddy? - Ned! 1089 01:13:22,231 --> 01:13:24,300 Is that Ned Mosely? 1090 01:13:24,400 --> 01:13:26,886 Oh, God, he looks terrible. 1091 01:13:26,986 --> 01:13:28,221 Okay, here's the deal. 1092 01:13:28,321 --> 01:13:30,540 I don't care how messed up these brains make you, 1093 01:13:30,656 --> 01:13:34,502 I need you to think how we can bring this thing, this forcefield, down. 1094 01:13:34,702 --> 01:13:36,437 Help us get out of here, Ned, 1095 01:13:36,537 --> 01:13:38,731 so we can give them what they want and get rid of them. 1096 01:13:38,831 --> 01:13:40,879 Come on, Ned. Come on, you can do it. 1097 01:13:41,000 --> 01:13:43,002 - You can do it, Ned. - Push through. 1098 01:13:52,178 --> 01:13:53,287 Hurry up. 1099 01:13:53,387 --> 01:13:55,435 Just one more line of code. 1100 01:13:55,765 --> 01:13:56,833 Done. 1101 01:13:56,933 --> 01:13:58,230 Wait, what just happened? 1102 01:13:58,351 --> 01:14:01,420 No, no. Shut it down. Shut it down. 1103 01:14:01,520 --> 01:14:02,521 Shut it down now. 1104 01:14:03,022 --> 01:14:05,195 - You're awesome, Ned. - Shut it down. 1105 01:14:05,524 --> 01:14:07,401 Shut it down now! 1106 01:14:16,869 --> 01:14:18,041 What? 1107 01:14:21,040 --> 01:14:23,759 But why do they think he has the brains? 1108 01:14:23,876 --> 01:14:26,755 He doesn't even seem like he has any language skills. 1109 01:14:30,424 --> 01:14:31,471 That's not a word. 1110 01:14:35,888 --> 01:14:37,832 - Sog attack? - DoS attack! 1111 01:14:37,932 --> 01:14:40,936 - DoS attack! DoS attack! - DoS attack! DoS attack! 1112 01:14:41,060 --> 01:14:43,170 This is what we used to do back in junior high. 1113 01:14:43,270 --> 01:14:45,443 We used to overload the servers to bring them down. 1114 01:14:45,564 --> 01:14:47,466 We hit this thing together, we'll short it out. 1115 01:14:47,566 --> 01:14:49,468 - Yes! - Are you nuts? 1116 01:14:49,568 --> 01:14:52,993 Let the vampires do it. They're so goddamn immortal! 1117 01:14:53,489 --> 01:14:55,516 Yeah, just like a human. 1118 01:14:55,616 --> 01:14:58,728 Put it all on the undead. Pussies! 1119 01:14:58,828 --> 01:15:01,022 You're a pussy, bloodsucker! 1120 01:15:01,122 --> 01:15:02,965 - You know what? - Hey, hey. Everybody! 1121 01:15:03,082 --> 01:15:07,403 What is it going to take for you idiots to stop fighting and work together? 1122 01:15:07,503 --> 01:15:12,009 Mr. Zimmerman, your daughter, she's a vampire, right? And you love her? 1123 01:15:12,591 --> 01:15:14,969 Yeah, you do. How could you not? 1124 01:15:15,761 --> 01:15:18,664 Mrs. Franklin, your son is a zombie. 1125 01:15:18,764 --> 01:15:22,940 We've always known. Not a real doctor. Let's quit pretending that he is. 1126 01:15:23,269 --> 01:15:25,021 All the aliens want 1127 01:15:26,147 --> 01:15:27,214 are the riblets. 1128 01:15:27,314 --> 01:15:31,285 Now, I don't know about you. I don't want to die in a Palway. 1129 01:15:31,777 --> 01:15:34,889 If we just work together, we can tear this wall down. 1130 01:15:34,989 --> 01:15:38,059 We will get out of here, we'll convince Rick to open up the gates 1131 01:15:38,159 --> 01:15:40,628 and we'll save our shitty town! 1132 01:15:41,162 --> 01:15:43,039 Now, what do you say? 1133 01:15:47,793 --> 01:15:50,363 USA! USA! 1134 01:15:50,463 --> 01:15:53,449 USA! USA! 1135 01:15:53,549 --> 01:15:56,452 USA! USA! 1136 01:15:56,552 --> 01:15:59,146 USA! USA! 1137 01:16:02,224 --> 01:16:03,316 All right! 1138 01:16:04,143 --> 01:16:05,628 Is everyone ready? 1139 01:16:05,728 --> 01:16:08,231 Three, two... 1140 01:16:08,981 --> 01:16:10,073 Fuck it, just run! 1141 01:16:24,497 --> 01:16:26,340 Let's get those riblets! 1142 01:16:26,832 --> 01:16:29,005 Come on! Come on, let's go! 1143 01:16:30,503 --> 01:16:32,005 Rick! Rick! 1144 01:16:32,379 --> 01:16:35,282 - Shit. - No, no! 1145 01:16:35,382 --> 01:16:38,181 The next asshole who steps closer gets one in the chest! 1146 01:16:40,179 --> 01:16:42,898 We need you to give the aliens the riblets! It's the only way! 1147 01:16:44,350 --> 01:16:45,772 Isn't that nice? 1148 01:16:46,560 --> 01:16:50,673 You know what? From day one, nobody in this town ever involved me in anything. 1149 01:16:50,773 --> 01:16:53,175 Not the bowling team, not the book club. 1150 01:16:53,275 --> 01:16:55,511 Shit, I paid for the goddamn baseball field, 1151 01:16:55,611 --> 01:16:59,081 and I still can't get the drink I want after the game at the bar. 1152 01:16:59,198 --> 01:17:00,950 A Rick-itini's not a drink! 1153 01:17:02,034 --> 01:17:03,519 It is to me! 1154 01:17:03,619 --> 01:17:07,189 I deserve to belong, man. I deserve to belong. 1155 01:17:07,289 --> 01:17:09,041 Yes, you're right. 1156 01:17:09,792 --> 01:17:11,318 You do deserve to belong. 1157 01:17:11,418 --> 01:17:14,262 I want to believe you, Diggie, but I think you just want me to save you. 1158 01:17:14,797 --> 01:17:17,641 Do you want the truth? Here's the truth. 1159 01:17:18,551 --> 01:17:20,645 You have been a huge dick! 1160 01:17:21,720 --> 01:17:23,722 But I've been one, too. 1161 01:17:26,225 --> 01:17:28,398 And we both deserve to be a part of this town. 1162 01:17:28,936 --> 01:17:30,483 Rick! Rick! 1163 01:17:30,771 --> 01:17:33,274 Rick! Rick! Rick! 1164 01:17:33,399 --> 01:17:35,468 Rick! Rick! Rick! 1165 01:17:35,568 --> 01:17:36,945 Rick! Rick! 1166 01:17:37,069 --> 01:17:38,821 - Rick. - Rick! Rick! Rick! 1167 01:17:38,946 --> 01:17:40,948 - Rick! Rick! Rick! - Rick. Rick. 1168 01:17:41,073 --> 01:17:44,748 Come on, what's it going to be? They're coming! We need you! 1169 01:17:45,661 --> 01:17:47,083 All right. 1170 01:17:48,414 --> 01:17:50,166 Bring it, fuckers! 1171 01:17:52,084 --> 01:17:53,069 Come on, come on. 1172 01:17:53,169 --> 01:17:56,093 Come on, come on! Everybody in! Everybody in! 1173 01:17:56,589 --> 01:17:59,092 - Go, go! Go! Come on! - Run! 1174 01:18:07,600 --> 01:18:10,336 Creatures from the great beyond, 1175 01:18:10,436 --> 01:18:12,689 behold the riblet! 1176 01:18:24,033 --> 01:18:26,832 Jesus, that's what riblets are made of? 1177 01:18:27,870 --> 01:18:30,168 How come no one ever told us? 1178 01:19:03,155 --> 01:19:04,498 Oh, my God! 1179 01:19:22,549 --> 01:19:24,017 What are you doing, aliens? 1180 01:19:25,010 --> 01:19:26,683 Holy shit. 1181 01:19:28,430 --> 01:19:30,023 Wait, what's happening? 1182 01:19:33,852 --> 01:19:35,069 What is going on? 1183 01:19:35,187 --> 01:19:38,566 He was wrong! Your genius zombie friend was wrong! 1184 01:19:38,941 --> 01:19:41,364 They took our riblets and now they're going to kill us all! 1185 01:19:49,702 --> 01:19:54,208 Beings of Earth, do not cower in fear. Rise. 1186 01:19:54,915 --> 01:19:56,212 It's... 1187 01:19:56,625 --> 01:19:57,651 beautiful. 1188 01:19:57,751 --> 01:20:00,154 As our planet's ambassador, 1189 01:20:00,254 --> 01:20:03,949 we would like to thank you for giving us a precious chemical 1190 01:20:04,049 --> 01:20:05,596 that sustains us. 1191 01:20:05,718 --> 01:20:08,938 - Why does it have a German accent? - I was going to ask the same question. 1192 01:20:09,221 --> 01:20:10,706 But before we go, 1193 01:20:10,806 --> 01:20:14,106 we need to talk about what happened here. 1194 01:20:14,226 --> 01:20:18,631 We came all this way to essentially borrow a stick of butter. 1195 01:20:18,731 --> 01:20:21,800 And before we even got a chance to ask, 1196 01:20:21,900 --> 01:20:23,677 you went bananas. 1197 01:20:23,777 --> 01:20:26,451 We had to lock you all up in the Palway 1198 01:20:26,572 --> 01:20:29,416 just to protect you from yourselves. 1199 01:20:29,742 --> 01:20:34,293 As one of your great philosophers so eloquently put it, 1200 01:20:35,414 --> 01:20:39,794 "We didn't start the fire. 1201 01:20:41,253 --> 01:20:43,472 "It was always burning. 1202 01:20:43,589 --> 01:20:47,093 "Since the world's been turning. 1203 01:20:47,301 --> 01:20:50,829 "But when we are gone, will it still burn on, 1204 01:20:50,929 --> 01:20:53,582 "and on and on?" 1205 01:20:53,682 --> 01:20:54,750 You are fucking kidding me. 1206 01:20:54,850 --> 01:20:57,854 - But that's a song. - It's a song about burning. 1207 01:20:58,312 --> 01:21:00,656 Here is the point. Look at us. 1208 01:21:00,773 --> 01:21:04,152 We are 90 feet of intergalactic awesomeness. 1209 01:21:04,276 --> 01:21:07,155 Look at you. You guys are a mess. 1210 01:21:07,279 --> 01:21:10,432 Have some dignity, for shit's sake. 1211 01:21:10,532 --> 01:21:12,101 And you're welcome. 1212 01:21:12,201 --> 01:21:13,769 Hey, wait a second. 1213 01:21:13,869 --> 01:21:14,995 Yes? 1214 01:21:15,704 --> 01:21:16,956 Fuck you. 1215 01:21:17,873 --> 01:21:20,567 No, no, no. You come here in your ship, 1216 01:21:20,667 --> 01:21:22,528 you scare the living piss out of us, 1217 01:21:22,628 --> 01:21:26,007 and then you lecture us with a Billy Joel song? 1218 01:21:26,131 --> 01:21:31,058 But our research indicated an abiding love for Billy Joel. 1219 01:21:33,222 --> 01:21:34,248 Freak. 1220 01:21:34,348 --> 01:21:37,147 Please, let's keep this civilized. 1221 01:21:38,977 --> 01:21:41,630 - What the fuck? - She's right! 1222 01:21:41,730 --> 01:21:45,405 Go fuck with somebody else's planet, you self-righteous douchebag. Fuck you! 1223 01:21:47,486 --> 01:21:50,865 Fine. Have it your way, bitches. 1224 01:22:22,062 --> 01:22:23,689 - Are you all right? - What is that stuff? 1225 01:22:24,857 --> 01:22:26,008 Ammonia! 1226 01:22:26,108 --> 01:22:29,470 The ammonia's melting it! Ammonia! That's it! 1227 01:22:29,570 --> 01:22:31,930 Mrs. Mosely, the ammonia hose! Quick! 1228 01:22:32,030 --> 01:22:35,250 Way ahead of you, Daggy! Let her rip, boys! 1229 01:22:53,635 --> 01:22:57,390 You uppity little bitch, I've done a lot of slumming in my life, but you... 1230 01:22:59,725 --> 01:23:01,398 You might be my biggest disgrace. 1231 01:23:01,560 --> 01:23:02,732 Yeah! 1232 01:23:09,943 --> 01:23:13,972 When you really care about somebody, you don't hesitate. You just jump right in. 1233 01:23:14,072 --> 01:23:15,164 Don't touch her! 1234 01:23:32,132 --> 01:23:34,260 In a way, I envy you. 1235 01:23:34,927 --> 01:23:36,850 About to see a world I'll never know. 1236 01:23:53,946 --> 01:23:56,290 When the change comes, it is... 1237 01:23:57,324 --> 01:24:00,874 - Enormous. - Enormous. It's a big change. 1238 01:24:15,801 --> 01:24:16,973 No. 1239 01:24:31,316 --> 01:24:33,364 I said, "Don't touch her." 1240 01:24:37,990 --> 01:24:38,991 No! 1241 01:24:47,416 --> 01:24:49,259 It's sticking out of my back, isn't it? 1242 01:24:54,256 --> 01:24:55,758 Are you okay? 1243 01:24:59,344 --> 01:25:01,597 - Did you hear that? - It's him. 1244 01:25:02,180 --> 01:25:04,103 Our boy is growing up. 1245 01:25:20,699 --> 01:25:22,076 Shit. 1246 01:25:32,628 --> 01:25:33,754 Fuck this. 1247 01:25:56,109 --> 01:25:58,011 What the hell is that? 1248 01:25:58,111 --> 01:26:00,489 Sub-atomic fusion explosive. 1249 01:26:00,989 --> 01:26:03,242 Parting gift, motherfuckers. 1250 01:26:51,373 --> 01:26:52,465 Ned! Ned! 1251 01:26:59,464 --> 01:27:01,387 Give him the high cheese, Diggy! 1252 01:27:10,183 --> 01:27:12,652 Wait, that's not supposed to happen. 1253 01:28:03,528 --> 01:28:05,872 - Guess who. - Lorelei. 1254 01:28:06,531 --> 01:28:08,684 - Yo, Dag, what's up? - Yo, what's up, man? 1255 01:28:08,784 --> 01:28:11,628 Look at you. Hey, you want to eat at my table today? 1256 01:28:11,912 --> 01:28:14,586 I'd love to, but I kind of got some other plans. 1257 01:28:15,415 --> 01:28:18,760 Well, that's cool, because maybe after school, we could hang... 1258 01:28:19,753 --> 01:28:21,596 Nothing. I'll just... 1259 01:28:22,214 --> 01:28:23,557 - Hi. - Hey. 1260 01:28:24,216 --> 01:28:25,826 Should we go find Ned? 1261 01:28:25,926 --> 01:28:28,475 No, it looks like he's bonding with Chaz Jr. today. 1262 01:28:34,601 --> 01:28:36,319 That is my thigh. 1263 01:28:49,825 --> 01:28:50,917 So, what should we do? 1264 01:28:51,743 --> 01:28:53,019 I don't know. 1265 01:28:53,119 --> 01:28:54,730 Maybe we should 1266 01:28:54,830 --> 01:28:56,252 make out under the bleachers. 1267 01:28:58,667 --> 01:29:00,419 Bring it, fucker. 1268 01:29:01,753 --> 01:29:03,426 I am so into you. 1269 01:29:13,932 --> 01:29:15,479 So, who are you these days? 1270 01:29:17,102 --> 01:29:18,695 I'm Nick Braun. 1271 01:29:20,105 --> 01:29:23,325 What do they look like? Is it like Spielberg or more Giger? 1272 01:29:23,441 --> 01:29:24,818 Who the fuck is Giger? I don't know. 1273 01:29:24,943 --> 01:29:27,446 H.R. Giger. He designed the aliens in Alien. 1274 01:29:29,364 --> 01:29:30,390 Who's pitching it to me? 1275 01:29:30,490 --> 01:29:32,367 Did you ever see the movie Schindler's List? 1276 01:29:32,617 --> 01:29:34,665 You know, he wanted to save all these people... 1277 01:29:34,786 --> 01:29:36,788 Save all these lives that were worth saving, right? 1278 01:29:37,038 --> 01:29:39,336 Well, you're like my opposite Schindler. 1279 01:29:39,457 --> 01:29:41,459 This is really going to fuck you up. 1280 01:29:42,961 --> 01:29:44,383 I dropped my weapon. Hold on. 1281 01:29:45,547 --> 01:29:48,366 - Are you ready to give up yet? - Say it more like you're choking. 1282 01:29:48,466 --> 01:29:51,811 I am choking, though. That's why it's hard to say this shit. 1283 01:30:00,645 --> 01:30:04,821 - We're "understanding" parents. - Yeah. Right. 1284 01:30:05,191 --> 01:30:07,552 - You do the other quote. - Yeah, all right. 1285 01:30:07,652 --> 01:30:09,888 You guys understand too much. 1286 01:30:09,988 --> 01:30:13,709 Maybe a little too much some days. When we have to drive. 1287 01:30:13,825 --> 01:30:16,328 We should all do it sometime together or something. 1288 01:30:17,162 --> 01:30:19,648 - No. Not important to do that. - No. 1289 01:30:19,748 --> 01:30:21,671 - It's a... Yeah. - Generational. 1290 01:30:21,917 --> 01:30:23,760 What, did I stutter? 1291 01:30:25,170 --> 01:30:26,488 - No! - A little bit. 1292 01:30:26,588 --> 01:30:28,682 You did stutter a little bit. 1293 01:30:29,591 --> 01:30:32,936 My jaw is half gone. Way to make fun of me. 1294 01:30:33,887 --> 01:30:37,357 - I didn't mean that. Sorry. - Class act, this guy. 1295 01:30:39,017 --> 01:30:41,002 - It's not going to get better, so just... - Got it. 1296 01:30:41,102 --> 01:30:43,964 I'm going to take a key. I'm going to stick it in my mouth, 1297 01:30:44,064 --> 01:30:45,507 and I'm going to turn it and I'm going to lock it. 1298 01:30:45,607 --> 01:30:47,359 - But you're still talking. - Yep.