0 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:20,000 1 00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:49,499 As you may well know, I am many things. 2 00:00:49,599 --> 00:00:52,569 An arts dealer, an accomplished fencer, 3 00:00:52,669 --> 00:00:55,105 fair shot with most weapons. 4 00:00:55,205 --> 00:01:00,176 I am loved and respected by all who know me... 5 00:01:00,276 --> 00:01:02,374 slightly. 6 00:01:05,715 --> 00:01:08,952 But I have always felt there's something missing, you see. 7 00:01:09,052 --> 00:01:11,388 Some final piece of my personal puzzle. 8 00:01:11,488 --> 00:01:14,958 I needed something bold, distinctive. 9 00:01:15,058 --> 00:01:16,393 Thank you. 10 00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:20,664 The work of art with which I could declare to the heavens, 11 00:01:20,764 --> 00:01:23,867 I am Lord Charlie Mortdecai, 12 00:01:23,967 --> 00:01:28,705 and this little bit of magic 13 00:01:28,805 --> 00:01:31,274 is my moustache. 14 00:01:35,011 --> 00:01:38,682 I see. Shall we to business then, Fang? 15 00:01:40,016 --> 00:01:42,085 Would you mind? 16 00:01:44,687 --> 00:01:47,214 "Find," you said. 17 00:01:48,057 --> 00:01:52,094 And find, I have done. 18 00:02:00,036 --> 00:02:02,372 The Qianlong vase. 19 00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:06,276 Very, very rare. 20 00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:09,012 Low-fired with an immersion glaze? 21 00:02:09,112 --> 00:02:11,881 None of the southern Yangtze ceramics are low-fired. 22 00:02:11,981 --> 00:02:14,751 But you know that. You're testing me. 23 00:02:16,085 --> 00:02:19,556 I'm so terribly sorry. Mosquito. You see it? 24 00:02:20,757 --> 00:02:22,992 Why don't you test the vase instead? 25 00:02:23,092 --> 00:02:26,963 I am sure that you will agree it is a bargain at two million pounds. 26 00:02:27,063 --> 00:02:29,866 Everyone knows you're broke. 27 00:02:29,966 --> 00:02:32,969 You will take one million. 28 00:02:34,137 --> 00:02:37,173 Golly, that was a big one! 29 00:02:38,942 --> 00:02:41,148 Well, have it your way, Fang. 30 00:02:41,778 --> 00:02:43,880 One million pounds. 31 00:02:43,980 --> 00:02:47,918 I trust that you have brought the treasuries? 32 00:02:54,724 --> 00:02:58,068 I think I'll keep the money. And the vase. 33 00:02:59,696 --> 00:03:01,798 You cheated me in our last deal. 34 00:03:03,299 --> 00:03:06,570 I paid three million for that tapestry, 35 00:03:06,670 --> 00:03:10,773 then found out it is worth only one! 36 00:03:13,910 --> 00:03:18,981 You took from me. Now I will take from you. 37 00:03:19,849 --> 00:03:24,187 Now, you look here, Fang! Fat. Fang Fat. 38 00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:26,222 I'm an art dealer, not a charlatan. 39 00:03:26,322 --> 00:03:30,460 A rogue, perhaps, a scamp or scoundrel, I will grant you. 40 00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:34,157 But never an outright mountebank. 41 00:03:34,257 --> 00:03:36,099 Enough! 42 00:03:36,199 --> 00:03:41,307 You owe me. I believe a finger would be fair. Don't you? 43 00:03:41,407 --> 00:03:43,223 No! 44 00:03:44,974 --> 00:03:46,076 Jock! 45 00:03:49,812 --> 00:03:52,315 I wouldn't, mate. I really wouldn't. 46 00:03:54,317 --> 00:03:57,253 Jockie, thank heavens! Where have you been, man? 47 00:03:57,353 --> 00:03:59,647 Right behind you as always, sir. 48 00:04:15,204 --> 00:04:16,412 Jock! 49 00:04:20,176 --> 00:04:22,612 Well done, Jockie. 50 00:04:22,712 --> 00:04:24,781 It's a privilege, sir! 51 00:04:44,967 --> 00:04:46,952 Jock, you're ablaze! 52 00:04:56,045 --> 00:04:59,683 - Well, I think our work here is done. - Time to go, sir. 53 00:05:07,223 --> 00:05:10,393 Jock laid out the state of our financial affairs. 54 00:05:10,493 --> 00:05:12,995 Basically, they involved debt. 55 00:05:13,095 --> 00:05:15,765 Massive, crushing debt. 56 00:05:16,265 --> 00:05:19,836 We hurried back to Mortdecai Manor, where my beloved wife, Johanna, 57 00:05:19,936 --> 00:05:22,505 having heard of our financial distress, 58 00:05:22,605 --> 00:05:26,263 was arriving home to sell off some of my prized possessions. 59 00:05:27,243 --> 00:05:29,579 Even my horsey picture was on the block. 60 00:05:31,214 --> 00:05:35,218 But I was hopeful my new moustache would cheer her up. 61 00:05:35,318 --> 00:05:36,886 Darling! 62 00:05:36,986 --> 00:05:39,389 Oh, God, I missed you terribly. 63 00:05:39,489 --> 00:05:43,760 Johanna. Love of my life. Apple of my eye. 64 00:05:43,860 --> 00:05:46,129 I so wish you had been there. 65 00:05:46,229 --> 00:05:50,099 Can you imagine the two of us in that frigid city, 66 00:05:50,199 --> 00:05:54,471 only our passions keeping us... Whoa! What is that? 67 00:05:54,871 --> 00:05:58,107 Just a little something I cooked up whilst you were away, my darling. 68 00:05:58,207 --> 00:06:00,377 I do believe it was Maggie Thatcher who said 69 00:06:00,477 --> 00:06:03,315 that kissing a man without a moustache 70 00:06:03,415 --> 00:06:06,583 is rather like eating an egg without salt. 71 00:06:06,683 --> 00:06:09,853 - Oh, don't point that thing at me. - Told ya. 72 00:06:11,554 --> 00:06:15,458 I have put no inconsiderable thought and effort into this endeavor. 73 00:06:15,558 --> 00:06:19,028 You see, the domain of a man's upper lip is his sovereign ground... 74 00:06:19,128 --> 00:06:22,389 - You have five minutes to shave it off. - Every Mortdecai man before me 75 00:06:22,489 --> 00:06:26,200 had the same. Why can't I? 76 00:06:28,771 --> 00:06:30,773 Oh, I happen to be terribly fond of it, 77 00:06:30,873 --> 00:06:35,679 and I have had every intention of seeing it through. 78 00:06:36,279 --> 00:06:39,182 You mean it's going to get bigger? 79 00:06:39,582 --> 00:06:42,018 It will come to fruition, yes. 80 00:06:42,418 --> 00:06:45,421 Oh, darling... 81 00:06:46,723 --> 00:06:48,686 You really won't shave it off? 82 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:56,966 I can't, my duck. Not at this juncture. It's not even fully corked. It's a baby. 83 00:06:57,266 --> 00:06:59,535 - Jock? - Yes, madam? 84 00:06:59,635 --> 00:07:02,805 Please, will you make up the guest bedroom for Mr. Mortdecai? 85 00:07:02,905 --> 00:07:04,341 Already have, madam. 86 00:07:04,441 --> 00:07:06,656 And I shan't be having dinner downstairs this evening. 87 00:07:06,756 --> 00:07:09,779 I'll just have a supper tray in my room. 88 00:07:09,879 --> 00:07:11,905 Very good, madam. 89 00:07:14,417 --> 00:07:15,818 I do believe Jock has informed you 90 00:07:15,918 --> 00:07:19,481 that we are staring down the barrel of insolvency. 91 00:07:19,583 --> 00:07:21,460 What do you plan to do about it? 92 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:23,960 Right. Yes, well... 93 00:07:24,060 --> 00:07:28,237 That... Well... Quite. 94 00:07:28,337 --> 00:07:31,884 First thing we're doing is selling off that Sheridan. 95 00:07:35,037 --> 00:07:36,773 My sweet little love beast, 96 00:07:36,873 --> 00:07:40,798 I am sure that we will come up with the necessary funds by the end of the month. 97 00:07:40,898 --> 00:07:43,346 - What is today, the fifth! - The 26th, sir. 98 00:07:43,446 --> 00:07:45,699 - All right. That gives us six... - Four days, sir. 99 00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:48,785 Jock? Please can you take the Sheridan up to London in the morning? 100 00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:50,920 I'm entering it in the Autumn Masters Auction. 101 00:07:51,020 --> 00:07:54,425 - Right you are, madam. - Come, come. Let's not be rash. 102 00:07:54,525 --> 00:07:58,027 We cannot go about selling off family heirlooms willy-nilly. 103 00:07:58,127 --> 00:08:01,397 I'm afraid I shall have to put my foot down, darling. 104 00:08:01,497 --> 00:08:03,499 Sorry? 105 00:08:03,599 --> 00:08:05,739 With your permission, of course. 106 00:08:08,905 --> 00:08:12,275 Bugger it. Oh, there he is. 107 00:08:13,876 --> 00:08:15,945 She'll come around, Jock. How could she not? 108 00:08:16,045 --> 00:08:18,348 She's only human, sir. 109 00:08:18,648 --> 00:08:20,850 A quick aside about Jock. 110 00:08:20,950 --> 00:08:23,853 In addition to being my manservant and thug, 111 00:08:23,953 --> 00:08:28,324 he also maintains an enviable rate of sexual intercourse, 112 00:08:29,626 --> 00:08:32,328 which can be occasionally problematic. 113 00:08:32,428 --> 00:08:38,067 Recently, after we'd concluded the sale of a painting to a wealthy turkey farmer... 114 00:08:39,102 --> 00:08:41,053 What was that? 115 00:08:42,171 --> 00:08:46,108 - Get your head down, sir. - What have you done now, man? 116 00:08:46,843 --> 00:08:50,296 Onward, Jock! Onward! Don't shoot, farmer! 117 00:08:50,396 --> 00:08:53,415 Dad! What the hell are you doing? 118 00:08:54,383 --> 00:08:58,521 Jock! Jock, wait! Jock! I have me own apartment! 119 00:08:58,621 --> 00:09:02,158 Crikey, man! The farmer's daughter? 120 00:09:02,258 --> 00:09:04,193 I only gave her the once-over. 121 00:09:04,293 --> 00:09:08,030 - Where do you find the time? - Sorry, twice-over. 122 00:09:08,741 --> 00:09:12,068 Dear, sweet, simple Jock. 123 00:09:12,168 --> 00:09:15,271 Every man should have a Jock, don't you think? 124 00:09:20,209 --> 00:09:23,746 Meanwhile, not far away, 125 00:09:23,846 --> 00:09:26,315 our fortunes were about to become intertwined 126 00:09:26,415 --> 00:09:31,445 with one of the art world's greatest mysteries. 127 00:09:33,556 --> 00:09:36,192 And a dead hag. 128 00:09:40,729 --> 00:09:41,764 Bull's-eye. 129 00:09:51,607 --> 00:09:55,311 Miss Bronwen? Everything all right? 130 00:10:30,746 --> 00:10:32,782 Get back behind the tape! 131 00:10:32,882 --> 00:10:36,423 Excuse me. This is a crime scene. 132 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,786 Hello? 133 00:10:39,886 --> 00:10:41,323 Who is this guy? 134 00:10:41,423 --> 00:10:45,061 You and your men have done an admirable job stomping all over the place. 135 00:10:45,161 --> 00:10:48,197 Your services are no longer required. 136 00:10:49,198 --> 00:10:52,167 Sorry, Inspector Martland, sir. 137 00:10:52,901 --> 00:10:55,938 Sorry, sir. I had no idea, sir. 138 00:10:58,407 --> 00:11:01,410 Can I have all Thames Valley police officers back in their cars, please? 139 00:11:01,510 --> 00:11:04,533 There's been a jurisdictional change. 140 00:11:13,256 --> 00:11:15,591 That painting could be anywhere by now, sir. 141 00:11:15,691 --> 00:11:18,260 Yes, I suppose it could. 142 00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:20,729 You know we're going to have to ring him, don't you, sir? 143 00:11:20,829 --> 00:11:22,431 No, I do not know that, Maurice. 144 00:11:22,531 --> 00:11:24,833 No one knows the filthy underside of the art world better than he, sir. 145 00:11:24,933 --> 00:11:27,436 He is the filthy underside. 146 00:11:28,704 --> 00:11:31,240 Why did it have to be art? 147 00:11:32,675 --> 00:11:36,779 Inspector Alastair Martland. MI5. 148 00:11:36,879 --> 00:11:39,115 Martland and I met at Oxford. 149 00:11:39,215 --> 00:11:41,918 Once in a while I provide him with some off-the-record help 150 00:11:42,018 --> 00:11:45,321 with the seedier side of art collecting. 151 00:11:45,421 --> 00:11:51,527 And in exchange, he gives me a wide berth to ply my craft. 152 00:11:51,627 --> 00:11:55,365 He is also desperately in love with my wife. 153 00:11:55,965 --> 00:11:58,567 Rather annoying, really. 154 00:11:58,667 --> 00:11:59,933 What? 155 00:12:00,033 --> 00:12:01,961 Inspector Martland, sir. 156 00:12:02,061 --> 00:12:04,707 What does that blighter want? 157 00:12:04,807 --> 00:12:07,143 Tell him to ring back when my marriage isn't falling apart. 158 00:12:07,243 --> 00:12:10,413 - No, he's here, sir. - He is? 159 00:12:10,513 --> 00:12:13,549 Oh, all right. Wheel him in. 160 00:12:15,651 --> 00:12:18,721 - Don't get up. - I wasn't going to. 161 00:12:19,655 --> 00:12:23,360 Beware the carafe on the top shelf. It contains water. 162 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:26,896 Ignoring some of the more inviting bottles on the drinks tray, 163 00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:29,297 he reached underneath for the big decanter, 164 00:12:29,397 --> 00:12:34,103 and poured himself a gross amount of what he thought was my Taylor '31. 165 00:12:34,203 --> 00:12:36,455 Score one for Mortdecai, 166 00:12:36,555 --> 00:12:41,110 for I had filled it with an invalid port of unbelievable nastiness. 167 00:12:41,210 --> 00:12:43,880 - Oh, excellent. - Score two. 168 00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:46,633 Bit of cheese to go with that? 169 00:12:46,916 --> 00:12:50,151 I should think the special one, Jock. 170 00:13:02,631 --> 00:13:04,834 What is that infernal thing on your lip? 171 00:13:06,268 --> 00:13:07,870 Is there a purpose to your presence? 172 00:13:08,070 --> 00:13:10,106 You're in the hole to Her Majesty's government 173 00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:12,975 to the tune of eight million quid, old boy. 174 00:13:13,275 --> 00:13:17,681 I had no idea I was so deep in Her Majesty's hole. 175 00:13:21,984 --> 00:13:25,554 God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God... 176 00:13:39,301 --> 00:13:40,843 That's not natural. 177 00:13:43,806 --> 00:13:45,828 What do you think? 178 00:13:48,611 --> 00:13:50,947 I think this woman has need of a chiropractor. 179 00:13:51,047 --> 00:13:54,483 Bronwen Fellworthy, Oxford art restorer. Did you know her? 180 00:13:54,883 --> 00:13:59,321 Slightly. I do recall a vague memory of her having once, 181 00:13:59,421 --> 00:14:02,446 involuntarily, one would hope, 182 00:14:02,745 --> 00:14:07,596 releasing a fart of such frightening power and timbre 183 00:14:07,696 --> 00:14:11,200 that I feared she had done herself a horrible mischief. 184 00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:12,454 Cheese. 185 00:14:13,402 --> 00:14:15,248 Thank you. 186 00:14:25,681 --> 00:14:30,186 Three months ago, a small Spanish museum sent her a Goya to be cleaned. 187 00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:34,523 Last night she was killed. Painting has disappeared. 188 00:14:34,623 --> 00:14:37,159 Sad news, particularly for her. 189 00:14:37,259 --> 00:14:39,835 But I don't see what it has to do with me. 190 00:14:39,935 --> 00:14:44,366 Well, if my men start asking questions, then the Goya disappears without a trace. 191 00:14:44,466 --> 00:14:49,938 But you, a known trafficker of stolen art, well, you could make some inquiries. 192 00:14:50,038 --> 00:14:54,143 Why would MI5 be interested in the theft of a middling Goya? 193 00:14:58,247 --> 00:15:02,392 Emil Strago. Fundamentalist, revolutionary. 194 00:15:02,492 --> 00:15:06,922 Trained in Syria, fought in Senegal. An expert in special warfare. 195 00:15:07,022 --> 00:15:10,392 He's linked to a number of terror attacks all around the world. 196 00:15:10,492 --> 00:15:12,194 All right, he's unpleasant. What of him? 197 00:15:12,294 --> 00:15:17,216 Well, we believe he entered the country with the purpose of finding that painting. 198 00:15:17,316 --> 00:15:19,401 - Why? - We don't know why. 199 00:15:19,501 --> 00:15:22,071 But if Strago is involved, well, suffice it to say, 200 00:15:22,171 --> 00:15:24,924 it's a matter of urgent national security. 201 00:15:25,024 --> 00:15:28,910 And you would like me to find it before he does? 202 00:15:29,511 --> 00:15:31,356 Precisely. 203 00:15:32,715 --> 00:15:35,417 I've given you a lot of rope over the years, Charlie. 204 00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:37,935 But now you're dangling off the end of it. 205 00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:40,723 Help me find that painting, 206 00:15:40,823 --> 00:15:44,126 or I'll have the magistrate open that file and prosecute at random. 207 00:15:44,226 --> 00:15:48,330 It was a catalogue of some of my more unseemly escapades. 208 00:15:48,430 --> 00:15:53,436 The file was fat and well-handled, like a Welsh barmaid. 209 00:15:53,936 --> 00:15:56,839 It is apparent that you are well-versed in the stick. 210 00:15:56,939 --> 00:15:59,642 But what of the well-known carrot? 211 00:16:01,443 --> 00:16:04,264 - What's in it for me, as they say? - Good God, man! 212 00:16:04,364 --> 00:16:08,651 We're talking about a bloodthirsty extremist threatening the lives of your countrymen. 213 00:16:09,885 --> 00:16:12,721 Well, if you won't do it for me, do it for Queen and Country. 214 00:16:12,821 --> 00:16:14,704 No! 215 00:16:15,424 --> 00:16:19,195 All right, Queen and Country, travel and living expenses, reasonable overhead. 216 00:16:19,295 --> 00:16:21,530 Ten percent, sir. 217 00:16:21,630 --> 00:16:24,900 And 10 percent of the insurance money as a finder's fee. 218 00:16:25,100 --> 00:16:26,803 Done. 219 00:16:27,503 --> 00:16:30,106 Oh, and incidentally, I asked for some cheese, 220 00:16:30,206 --> 00:16:33,742 not an instrument of biological warfare. 221 00:16:35,644 --> 00:16:38,247 Score one for Martland. 222 00:16:39,648 --> 00:16:43,719 Martland... What else can you tell me about Strago? 223 00:16:43,819 --> 00:16:47,356 Well, he's colorblind and he's allergic to cashews. 224 00:16:47,456 --> 00:16:51,427 Goody. Every subject of the Crown and every cashew in the Kingdom shall sleep safely. 225 00:16:51,527 --> 00:16:53,462 Johanna, you look lovely. 226 00:16:53,562 --> 00:16:55,531 Alastair. 227 00:16:56,034 --> 00:16:59,335 You do look lovely, darling. So absolutely lovely. 228 00:16:59,435 --> 00:17:03,099 - I thought that was you. - Radiant... 229 00:17:03,199 --> 00:17:05,475 Martland also met Johanna at school. 230 00:17:06,608 --> 00:17:09,445 After a three-year courtship, he finally worked up the courage 231 00:17:09,545 --> 00:17:12,373 to express his feelings to her. 232 00:17:12,473 --> 00:17:14,550 In verse. 233 00:17:14,650 --> 00:17:16,418 Johanna, do you... 234 00:17:16,518 --> 00:17:18,420 Rotten timing for him. 235 00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:20,359 - Martland. - Hello! 236 00:17:20,459 --> 00:17:23,425 Would you mind terribly, dear boy, the door? 237 00:17:23,525 --> 00:17:25,711 Of course, I'll just... I'll shut the door. 238 00:17:25,811 --> 00:17:28,330 Now, what's all this about a missing Goya? 239 00:17:28,430 --> 00:17:33,135 Oh, it's the house. Terribly vast. Echo-ey, don't you know? 240 00:17:35,287 --> 00:17:37,373 Well, that's classified information, I'm afraid. 241 00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:40,376 You know, state secrets and what have you. 242 00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:44,213 My husband is trying to reclaim his youth by growing that horrible moustache. 243 00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:46,449 Do inform him that that ship has sailed. 244 00:17:46,549 --> 00:17:49,218 Every Mortdecai man before me has had one. 245 00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:52,260 And I will have you know that some members of the fairer sex 246 00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:54,760 do find it quite appealing. 247 00:17:54,860 --> 00:17:56,817 Whom exactly? 248 00:18:00,195 --> 00:18:02,498 No one in particular, of course. 249 00:18:02,598 --> 00:18:05,167 Metaphoric woman... women. 250 00:18:05,267 --> 00:18:09,655 Metaphorically... general... you know. 251 00:18:10,005 --> 00:18:14,776 If you are growing that excrement on your lip to please another, know this: 252 00:18:14,876 --> 00:18:16,912 I will kill her. 253 00:18:17,012 --> 00:18:20,916 Oh, Alastair. It's so lovely. Do come back. 254 00:18:21,016 --> 00:18:24,786 It's so wonderful to have someone of reasonable intelligence to converse with. 255 00:18:24,886 --> 00:18:27,123 I'd be delighted. 256 00:18:27,623 --> 00:18:31,093 Do I detect a slight crack in the marital armor? 257 00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:33,195 A mere tiff, old bean. Nothing more. 258 00:18:33,295 --> 00:18:35,814 Oh, really? Seems like more than a tiff to me. 259 00:18:35,914 --> 00:18:39,968 My wife needs to come around to a certain viewpoint. That is all. 260 00:18:40,435 --> 00:18:43,652 Well, good luck, mate. See what you can dig up about that Goya. 261 00:18:43,752 --> 00:18:45,675 Usual channels. We'll meet in London tomorrow. 262 00:18:45,775 --> 00:18:47,645 Of course. 263 00:18:54,226 --> 00:18:58,987 I had the painting in my hand. Someone must have known I was coming. 264 00:18:59,655 --> 00:19:02,891 Milton Krampf? The American? 265 00:19:02,991 --> 00:19:05,793 Then it must have been his dealer. 266 00:19:09,057 --> 00:19:12,030 Krampf's dealer, what is his name? 267 00:19:12,130 --> 00:19:14,204 Mortdecai. 268 00:19:22,077 --> 00:19:24,813 Johanna, my darling. 269 00:19:24,913 --> 00:19:28,083 My... My love. My... 270 00:19:28,183 --> 00:19:31,954 My only true love. My... love beast. 271 00:19:32,054 --> 00:19:35,190 My rumpus room rascal. 272 00:19:35,290 --> 00:19:39,828 You have no idea the beast you are about to receive. 273 00:19:45,634 --> 00:19:47,660 Johanna? 274 00:19:48,303 --> 00:19:51,380 Are you all right in there, darling? 275 00:19:52,007 --> 00:19:54,570 It is I, Charlie. 276 00:19:54,983 --> 00:19:55,997 Your husband. 277 00:19:58,447 --> 00:20:01,683 - What is it? - Moon of my delight. 278 00:20:01,783 --> 00:20:06,555 This is your own personalized Sheik of Araby who seeks admission into your tent. 279 00:20:07,155 --> 00:20:09,525 I have come to carry you off to the burning desert, 280 00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:12,060 and work my greasy will upon you... 281 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:14,763 under the tropical stars. 282 00:20:14,963 --> 00:20:18,467 Send your camel to bed, damn it! 283 00:20:19,768 --> 00:20:21,448 My Sheik, 284 00:20:21,548 --> 00:20:25,841 does this mean you have excommunicated that moustache of the Prophet? 285 00:20:27,976 --> 00:20:30,043 I'll trim it. 286 00:20:32,581 --> 00:20:34,450 Darling, 287 00:20:34,550 --> 00:20:37,753 I am embarking on a very dangerous escapade 288 00:20:37,853 --> 00:20:41,123 from which I may not well return. 289 00:20:41,223 --> 00:20:45,729 And it is customary in these situations for, you know... 290 00:20:46,394 --> 00:20:47,996 a proper send-off. 291 00:20:48,096 --> 00:20:51,000 Quick session of congress. 292 00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:55,738 Sink the Bismarck, if you will. And by the way, did I mention... 293 00:20:57,105 --> 00:21:01,026 it is a matter of national security. 294 00:21:09,251 --> 00:21:11,954 It's very difficult for me as well, you know, 295 00:21:12,054 --> 00:21:14,423 this thing that's come between us. 296 00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:17,092 I know, darling. 297 00:21:22,997 --> 00:21:25,567 No, no. Steady yourself. 298 00:21:27,035 --> 00:21:30,773 I beg you, darling, please. You know I have a sympathetic gag reflex. 299 00:21:30,873 --> 00:21:33,542 Oh, God. It's unbearable. 300 00:21:33,642 --> 00:21:36,612 - You will get used to it. I promise. - Why should I have to? 301 00:21:36,812 --> 00:21:38,614 I'm invested in it. 302 00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:42,351 Why can't you invest in saving us from financial ruin? 303 00:21:42,451 --> 00:21:44,820 Or do you want me to sort it out for you? 304 00:21:45,821 --> 00:21:49,925 Heavens, no. You needn't worry yourself. 305 00:21:50,025 --> 00:21:52,779 I have things firmly... 306 00:21:52,879 --> 00:21:55,221 in hand. 307 00:22:03,305 --> 00:22:04,973 My love, you are killing me. Please. 308 00:22:05,073 --> 00:22:09,310 It looked like you have a vagina on your face. 309 00:22:10,946 --> 00:22:14,749 Surely you mean the pubic hair above a vagina. 310 00:22:14,849 --> 00:22:16,652 I simply cannot get my head around that image. 311 00:22:16,752 --> 00:22:20,155 - Oh, Charlie... - However, 312 00:22:20,922 --> 00:22:26,061 now that you've mentioned it, I'm unable to steer my mind away from it. 313 00:22:26,161 --> 00:22:29,795 Go stuff a mattress with that thing! 314 00:22:30,966 --> 00:22:33,501 The moustache, I mean. 315 00:22:38,373 --> 00:22:42,511 Sheamus is able to do with a steel chair in hand. Here we go. 316 00:22:44,980 --> 00:22:46,582 Jockie, 317 00:22:46,682 --> 00:22:48,566 what if... 318 00:22:48,666 --> 00:22:50,683 it isn't just a tiff? 319 00:22:50,783 --> 00:22:54,322 What if this is the well-known "it," as it were? 320 00:22:54,522 --> 00:22:58,026 - That'd be awful. - Jock? 321 00:22:58,894 --> 00:23:01,556 Are you coming back to bed? 322 00:23:03,365 --> 00:23:05,880 Yeah, give us a minute, love. 323 00:23:06,902 --> 00:23:08,203 Hi. 324 00:23:08,403 --> 00:23:10,496 Hello. 325 00:23:14,876 --> 00:23:18,419 And myself sleeping alone. 326 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:21,149 How do you think this makes me feel, man? 327 00:23:21,249 --> 00:23:23,251 I dunno, sir. 328 00:23:23,351 --> 00:23:25,287 Dash it all, I am resolved. 329 00:23:25,387 --> 00:23:27,889 If it is money we need, then it is money we shall have. 330 00:23:27,989 --> 00:23:29,991 Jock? 331 00:23:30,091 --> 00:23:31,960 That's me. 332 00:23:33,962 --> 00:23:38,701 Tomorrow we shall sell off the Rolls to that vulgar American, Milton Krampf, 333 00:23:38,801 --> 00:23:42,637 and we will find that painting if it is the last thing we do. 334 00:23:42,737 --> 00:23:45,073 Right-y-oh. I'll call Spinoza in the morning. 335 00:23:45,173 --> 00:23:46,942 - Yes, do. - Good night, sir. 336 00:23:47,142 --> 00:23:50,078 - Jock? - Yes, sir? 337 00:23:50,178 --> 00:23:52,214 Do you think it will be all right in the end? 338 00:23:52,614 --> 00:23:54,546 I couldn't say, sir. 339 00:24:11,667 --> 00:24:14,503 My first stop was to see Sir Graham Archer, 340 00:24:14,603 --> 00:24:18,540 rival art dealer and Goya specialist. 341 00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:23,044 A permanent fixture at Sedgwick's Auction House in Kensington. 342 00:24:24,780 --> 00:24:26,948 I will meet you at Spinoza's in one hour. 343 00:24:27,048 --> 00:24:29,075 Right you are, sir. 344 00:24:40,028 --> 00:24:43,799 Sir Graham has been the rudest man in England for years. 345 00:24:43,899 --> 00:24:48,403 Recently, he's been working his way up to the wickedest. 346 00:24:51,439 --> 00:24:54,175 Looks like something curled up and died on your lip. 347 00:24:54,275 --> 00:24:56,178 It's not herpetic, I hope. 348 00:24:56,278 --> 00:24:59,314 Hello, Sir Graham, you old member. 349 00:24:59,603 --> 00:25:01,249 Who are you hiding in your belly? 350 00:25:01,349 --> 00:25:06,654 I see you've put your Sheridan up in next week's sale. Hard times, old boy? 351 00:25:06,754 --> 00:25:11,326 No, no, no, no. Just getting rid of some choice items while the market's right. 352 00:25:11,426 --> 00:25:14,875 What do you make of this Bronwen business? 353 00:25:14,975 --> 00:25:20,268 Ghastly affair. One always bemoans the loss of a great restorer. 354 00:25:20,368 --> 00:25:23,905 Old bag. She should have put locks on her doors. 355 00:25:24,639 --> 00:25:26,708 You used her frequently, didn't you? 356 00:25:26,808 --> 00:25:30,846 Not lately. She's been unavailable for three months. 357 00:25:30,946 --> 00:25:34,026 The Goya she was cleaning... 358 00:25:35,083 --> 00:25:37,853 rather simple job, wouldn't you say? 359 00:25:37,953 --> 00:25:40,722 Usual dirt and grime one finds on the Spaniards. 360 00:25:40,822 --> 00:25:44,058 Haven't the foggiest why it took her so long. 361 00:25:44,659 --> 00:25:48,063 What's your sudden interest, if I may ask? 362 00:25:48,163 --> 00:25:53,000 A client with a mild curiosity, that's all. 363 00:25:56,071 --> 00:26:00,641 We must go shooting again. Jock has fully recovered. 364 00:26:08,583 --> 00:26:13,722 There's only one reason you might be interested in a museum-owned Goya, 365 00:26:13,822 --> 00:26:17,225 and that's because there's money involved. 366 00:26:17,325 --> 00:26:19,427 You are mistaken, sir. 367 00:26:19,527 --> 00:26:23,331 There's a great deal of money involved. 368 00:26:25,733 --> 00:26:29,504 I've always admired your rapacity, sir. 369 00:26:31,439 --> 00:26:33,854 I say, Sir Graham, I wonder, 370 00:26:33,954 --> 00:26:37,326 your... protrusion... 371 00:26:37,426 --> 00:26:42,827 Might it be possible to swing the old fellow north, as it were? 372 00:26:46,254 --> 00:26:48,657 Who's the client? 373 00:26:48,757 --> 00:26:51,858 Terribly sorry, sworn to secrecy. 374 00:26:53,762 --> 00:26:57,393 Perhaps a brisk walk down the stairs will do some good. 375 00:26:57,493 --> 00:26:59,337 Yes. 376 00:27:02,070 --> 00:27:05,106 So it's that sort of Goya. 377 00:27:06,141 --> 00:27:08,188 Romanov. 378 00:27:09,044 --> 00:27:12,714 That painted lady you've been searching for, 379 00:27:12,814 --> 00:27:16,484 I believe she may be in play. 380 00:27:16,584 --> 00:27:18,599 I want that painting. 381 00:27:25,326 --> 00:27:28,082 - Johanna! - Alastair. 382 00:27:28,630 --> 00:27:31,188 So glad you called. 383 00:27:31,733 --> 00:27:34,703 I've asked for a Chardonnay. That is your drink, isn't it? 384 00:27:34,803 --> 00:27:36,872 Oh, you remembered. 385 00:27:37,572 --> 00:27:39,307 Thank you. 386 00:27:39,407 --> 00:27:42,944 Oh, God. How thoughtless of me. You're on duty. 387 00:27:43,304 --> 00:27:46,847 And in charge, thank you very much. 388 00:27:48,616 --> 00:27:50,452 To what do I owe the pleasure? 389 00:27:50,552 --> 00:27:52,754 I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd pop 'round, 390 00:27:52,854 --> 00:27:55,423 and see how you secret agent men run the world. 391 00:27:55,723 --> 00:27:59,761 Not nearly. Although it is terribly vital work. 392 00:27:59,861 --> 00:28:03,231 It's not all chardonnay and afternoon trysts. 393 00:28:03,431 --> 00:28:05,600 Is this a tryst? 394 00:28:05,700 --> 00:28:08,160 No, no. No, no, no. 395 00:28:08,260 --> 00:28:10,382 No, no, no, no, no. 396 00:28:10,482 --> 00:28:14,976 No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. 397 00:28:15,076 --> 00:28:18,512 - No, I was just... - Of course you were. 398 00:28:19,147 --> 00:28:21,660 How are things at home? 399 00:28:21,950 --> 00:28:23,785 You've touched a nerve. 400 00:28:23,885 --> 00:28:27,222 You've sensed it, Alastair. You always were the sensitive one. 401 00:28:27,522 --> 00:28:29,764 - You've got a difficult chap. - Beastly. 402 00:28:29,864 --> 00:28:33,661 - Bit of a moron, actually. - Maybe I should have an affair. 403 00:28:33,761 --> 00:28:36,031 - Wouldn't that be funny? - Hilarious. 404 00:28:36,131 --> 00:28:38,353 - Do you think I could keep it a secret? - Yes! 405 00:28:38,453 --> 00:28:40,168 Well then, what's the point? 406 00:28:40,268 --> 00:28:43,639 Now, tell me, what are you and my husband working on at the moment? 407 00:28:43,939 --> 00:28:45,681 Oh... 408 00:28:46,081 --> 00:28:47,931 Well, in vague terms there's a very bad man 409 00:28:48,031 --> 00:28:49,820 who wants what I want, and I'm trying to stop him. 410 00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:54,049 And what does a missing Goya have to do with national security? 411 00:28:54,149 --> 00:28:55,950 In vague terms. 412 00:28:56,050 --> 00:28:57,652 Johanna... 413 00:28:57,752 --> 00:29:00,522 You think poor Miss Fellworthy stumbled into something, 414 00:29:00,622 --> 00:29:04,125 - and that's why she got killed. - I really can't say. 415 00:29:04,678 --> 00:29:06,761 This is interesting. 416 00:29:06,861 --> 00:29:10,065 Creates quite a market when a painting with a little mystery goes missing. 417 00:29:10,165 --> 00:29:13,801 So much to do. What was the name of Bronwen's college at Oxford? 418 00:29:13,901 --> 00:29:17,605 Johanna, I simply can't. 419 00:29:17,705 --> 00:29:20,752 Right. Sorry. 420 00:29:20,852 --> 00:29:23,979 Oh, golly. Look at the time. I really must be going. 421 00:29:24,079 --> 00:29:26,014 It was lovely to see you, Alastair. 422 00:29:26,114 --> 00:29:29,084 Thank you ever-so-much for letting me confide in you. 423 00:29:29,184 --> 00:29:32,186 I feel that I could share anything with you. 424 00:29:33,014 --> 00:29:35,375 Don't you feel the same? 425 00:29:35,475 --> 00:29:38,026 That you could share with me? 426 00:29:38,126 --> 00:29:39,627 Bronwen's college? 427 00:29:39,727 --> 00:29:42,630 You're rather monstrous. Of course you're aware of that. 428 00:29:42,730 --> 00:29:45,734 - Blackfriar's Hall. - We must do this again. 429 00:29:47,535 --> 00:29:49,488 Hopeless. 430 00:29:55,503 --> 00:29:59,214 Besides being the finest garage man in Western Civilization, 431 00:29:59,314 --> 00:30:04,019 Spinoza was the best art smuggler in the business, 432 00:30:04,119 --> 00:30:09,056 and the eyes and ears of the art world's underbelly. 433 00:30:09,800 --> 00:30:14,963 Hello, Spinoza, you handsome devil! It's a fine day to be alive, what? 434 00:30:15,063 --> 00:30:19,601 You bloody chicken, bloody monkey, so good-for-nothing pot of piss, innit? 435 00:30:19,701 --> 00:30:22,670 Spinoza, you silver-tongued scallywag. 436 00:30:22,970 --> 00:30:24,321 What's the matter with you? 437 00:30:24,421 --> 00:30:28,817 You one book short of a library, you maggot? You one megabyte short of a RAM? 438 00:30:28,917 --> 00:30:31,646 The rest was a bit rude, so I won't quote him verbatim. 439 00:30:31,746 --> 00:30:35,683 But what vexed him so was a matter of some overdue bills on the Rolls, 440 00:30:35,783 --> 00:30:40,122 which I had now asked him to package and ship off to America on credit. 441 00:30:40,622 --> 00:30:43,324 You mother-loving bastard! Hello. 442 00:30:43,824 --> 00:30:49,096 Right. Spinoza, I did not come here to discuss my relationship with my mother, 443 00:30:49,196 --> 00:30:51,532 nor my relationship to your mother. 444 00:30:51,632 --> 00:30:55,803 No. We have two items of business. Item one: The Rolls-Royce, 445 00:30:55,903 --> 00:31:01,709 which I have reluctantly agreed to sell to that thick-fingered American, Krampf. 446 00:31:01,809 --> 00:31:03,380 Item the second: 447 00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:08,283 I need to ascertain whether any unsavory types have enlisted you 448 00:31:08,383 --> 00:31:11,686 to smuggle a painting out of the country recently. 449 00:31:11,786 --> 00:31:16,791 And for your information, I am holding up 450 00:31:16,891 --> 00:31:20,292 a 50-pound note. 451 00:31:21,096 --> 00:31:22,497 Never mind about that. 452 00:31:22,597 --> 00:31:26,034 You should treat a jam jar car like this 453 00:31:26,134 --> 00:31:29,537 with more respect when you drive it down the frog and toad road. 454 00:31:29,637 --> 00:31:32,439 - It's not some Toyota Clitoris. - No, no. 455 00:31:32,539 --> 00:31:36,244 No! Is a Rolls... The bloody Silver, 456 00:31:36,344 --> 00:31:39,947 the whacking Cloud, the bollock Royce! 457 00:31:40,047 --> 00:31:42,129 Someone shooting at the bloody car! 458 00:31:43,551 --> 00:31:45,344 Someone shooting at me! 459 00:31:54,929 --> 00:31:56,950 I'm armed! 460 00:32:04,105 --> 00:32:06,941 - Oh, Jock! - Yeah. 461 00:32:07,041 --> 00:32:11,780 I should probably mention that this was not the first time I had shot Jock. 462 00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:15,579 Come on, you little bastards. Come out and get it. 463 00:32:26,097 --> 00:32:29,430 Afraid I'm all thumbs with these damn things! 464 00:32:31,466 --> 00:32:34,169 - I believe I've just shot Jock. - Quite. 465 00:32:34,869 --> 00:32:37,072 Man down! Man down! 466 00:32:37,472 --> 00:32:39,941 - Could you give me the gun, please? - This bit? 467 00:32:40,041 --> 00:32:42,377 Yes, most... No, no. 468 00:32:42,477 --> 00:32:44,846 Oh, and poor Spinoza... 469 00:32:44,946 --> 00:32:47,048 You should go, sir, before the shooter circles 'round. 470 00:32:47,148 --> 00:32:50,085 - I'll handle things on this end. - Quite. 471 00:32:50,385 --> 00:32:53,654 - Cover me, as it were? - Yes, sir. 472 00:32:55,256 --> 00:32:58,460 - That's the old feudal spirit, Jock. - Get in. 473 00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:00,975 Oh, dear! 474 00:33:04,799 --> 00:33:07,168 - Oh, Jock. Jock? - Yeah? 475 00:33:07,268 --> 00:33:08,603 The door? Please? 476 00:33:14,040 --> 00:33:16,937 Right. Gosh, it's been ages. 477 00:33:33,294 --> 00:33:34,429 Goodness, that's awkward. 478 00:33:34,529 --> 00:33:36,932 It's all right, sir. It's all right. It's just a cracked rib. 479 00:33:38,466 --> 00:33:40,768 Please, sir, if you wouldn't mind leaving out the back. On foot. 480 00:33:41,409 --> 00:33:43,405 - By myself? - Please, sir. Just leave. 481 00:33:48,910 --> 00:33:51,979 Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear... 482 00:33:52,947 --> 00:33:56,284 - Give me the painting. - What makes you think I have it? 483 00:33:56,484 --> 00:33:57,719 Give me the painting! 484 00:33:58,954 --> 00:34:02,957 That is a superb Hulihee sans sideburn, I must say. 485 00:34:03,157 --> 00:34:05,994 - I was admiring your Franz Joseph. - Oh, thank you very much. 486 00:34:06,694 --> 00:34:09,202 - I'll have it on my wall. - Jock? 487 00:34:12,600 --> 00:34:14,420 Oh, well done. 488 00:34:16,070 --> 00:34:18,040 - What should I do now? - Run, sir! 489 00:34:18,140 --> 00:34:20,709 - Again? - Yes! 490 00:34:23,644 --> 00:34:26,247 Run, I shall, like a bloody gazelle! 491 00:34:26,347 --> 00:34:30,017 The Mortdecai men have always been in tip-top shape, don't you know? 492 00:34:30,117 --> 00:34:32,536 Fit as a fiddle! 493 00:34:43,698 --> 00:34:47,935 Oh, it's burning... I... I can't go on... 494 00:34:52,273 --> 00:34:54,175 Want to die... 495 00:34:54,275 --> 00:34:56,238 No, I don't. 496 00:34:59,614 --> 00:35:01,449 Sir! 497 00:35:01,549 --> 00:35:03,317 I'm on the bonnet! 498 00:35:03,417 --> 00:35:05,920 Get in the car, sir! 499 00:35:08,756 --> 00:35:10,232 I don't like it! 500 00:35:18,665 --> 00:35:19,870 Hello! 501 00:35:28,609 --> 00:35:30,745 Jockie! Advise? 502 00:35:30,845 --> 00:35:33,881 - Get in the back seat, sir! - Okay! 503 00:35:40,855 --> 00:35:42,457 Foreigner! 504 00:35:42,557 --> 00:35:45,460 - No! - Out you go! 505 00:35:55,002 --> 00:35:56,304 Oh, Jock! 506 00:35:56,404 --> 00:35:58,539 Don't worry, sir. I'm all right. I am all right. 507 00:35:58,639 --> 00:36:01,075 No, no, man! My little sproutling. 508 00:36:01,175 --> 00:36:03,178 - What? - Has it been compromised? 509 00:36:15,156 --> 00:36:18,359 - Well done, Jock. - It's a privilege, sir. 510 00:36:18,459 --> 00:36:20,395 Didn't take long for you to make a mess of things. 511 00:36:20,495 --> 00:36:23,064 Oh, you listen here, you do-gooder! 512 00:36:23,164 --> 00:36:27,468 Your Emil Strago just killed my garage man and physically assaulted my person. 513 00:36:27,568 --> 00:36:31,038 - He seems to think that I have the painting. - What have you found? 514 00:36:31,138 --> 00:36:34,642 Well, I will tell you that there is more here than meets the eye. 515 00:36:34,742 --> 00:36:36,578 No painting takes three months to clean, 516 00:36:36,678 --> 00:36:39,747 so I believe that Bronwen was working on the Goya 517 00:36:39,847 --> 00:36:43,050 and discovered something underneath. 518 00:36:43,150 --> 00:36:44,452 I should like to see her studio immediately. 519 00:36:44,552 --> 00:36:47,487 - In the cars, quickly. Maurice, Oxford. - Yes, sir. 520 00:36:57,064 --> 00:37:00,267 I've been helpin' out Miss Fellworthy goin' on five years now. 521 00:37:00,367 --> 00:37:03,504 Just keepin' the place tidy and whatnot. 522 00:37:03,604 --> 00:37:06,340 You have been grossly overcompensated. 523 00:37:06,440 --> 00:37:09,810 - Her lover was no help. - Lover? Bronwen? 524 00:37:09,910 --> 00:37:14,414 Yeah, a Duke. No help whatsoever, randy bugger. 525 00:37:15,316 --> 00:37:19,180 "Love... your... 526 00:37:19,280 --> 00:37:21,323 Bunny." 527 00:37:21,423 --> 00:37:23,658 Love your Bunny? 528 00:37:23,758 --> 00:37:29,362 A child! She spawned a child! The woman bred! What an odious thought. 529 00:37:30,030 --> 00:37:31,399 Don't imbibe the crime scene. 530 00:37:31,499 --> 00:37:35,469 I found her here, sprawled over the table, with an arrow out of her back. 531 00:37:35,569 --> 00:37:37,872 Course you did, man, because the assailant fired from here. 532 00:37:37,972 --> 00:37:39,907 - No, from the window. - With a spear gun. 533 00:37:40,007 --> 00:37:42,076 - With a crossbow. - He was left-handed. 534 00:37:42,176 --> 00:37:44,268 Jesus Christ. 535 00:37:45,112 --> 00:37:46,614 Is this how she was found? 536 00:37:46,714 --> 00:37:48,216 - What are you doing? - Oh, no. To the left a bit. 537 00:37:48,316 --> 00:37:50,551 - Like this? - Sorry, I meant to the right. 538 00:37:50,651 --> 00:37:52,553 Like this? Like this? 539 00:37:52,853 --> 00:37:55,056 Are you quite finished buggering around? 540 00:37:55,716 --> 00:37:57,225 No. 541 00:37:57,325 --> 00:38:01,829 Because I have a question for you, old bean. 542 00:38:01,929 --> 00:38:03,345 Will I be given a badge, 543 00:38:03,445 --> 00:38:07,735 nestled in some sort of cheap, leather encasement, just like on telly? 544 00:38:08,135 --> 00:38:09,404 - Maurice? - Sir? 545 00:38:09,504 --> 00:38:12,540 Show him the photographs. Excuse me. 546 00:38:13,474 --> 00:38:14,942 These were found in her camera. 547 00:38:15,342 --> 00:38:17,511 Yeah, like I told the lady earlier today, 548 00:38:17,611 --> 00:38:20,715 Miss Bronwen would take photos of each stage of her work, bless her. 549 00:38:21,315 --> 00:38:22,917 Which lady? 550 00:38:23,017 --> 00:38:26,721 Well, the lady with the hair and brain. 551 00:38:28,656 --> 00:38:33,360 I may have mentioned Bronwen to Johanna at lunch today. 552 00:38:35,863 --> 00:38:38,032 You were luncheoning with my wife? 553 00:38:38,132 --> 00:38:40,752 - Let's look at the photographs. - Yes, let's look at the photographs. 554 00:38:42,002 --> 00:38:44,004 Horrible composition. 555 00:38:44,472 --> 00:38:47,475 Lighting positively medieval. 556 00:38:47,575 --> 00:38:50,611 This one taken by accident, utterly useless... 557 00:38:51,078 --> 00:38:52,647 Hang on a tic. 558 00:38:53,347 --> 00:38:57,385 - That is not your Goya. - What do you mean? 559 00:38:57,485 --> 00:39:01,289 That is not the same painting as the others. 560 00:39:01,389 --> 00:39:04,191 Where have I seen that hand before in the background? 561 00:39:04,291 --> 00:39:07,194 Finger pointing down. Ring. 562 00:39:08,194 --> 00:39:10,297 Good Lord! It couldn't be! 563 00:39:10,397 --> 00:39:13,702 - Couldn't be what? - To the library, chaps! 564 00:39:18,839 --> 00:39:22,176 There has never been an accurate reproduction because... 565 00:39:22,276 --> 00:39:25,112 it vanished after the unveiling, but... 566 00:39:25,412 --> 00:39:30,920 I do remember that there was an etching or some such hint of... There it is. 567 00:39:31,952 --> 00:39:34,121 The Duchess of Wellington. 568 00:39:34,421 --> 00:39:38,802 Bronwen has found the lost Goya. 569 00:39:39,026 --> 00:39:43,598 Goya was commissioned by Charles IV of Spain to paint her in 1792. 570 00:39:43,798 --> 00:39:47,668 She was said to be his greatest masterpiece. 571 00:39:47,768 --> 00:39:49,704 Unfortunately, 572 00:39:49,804 --> 00:39:54,675 she was also said to have been the King's mistress. 573 00:39:54,775 --> 00:39:56,477 The Queen was unamused. 574 00:39:56,677 --> 00:40:00,014 Humiliated, she ordered the painting to be burned. 575 00:40:00,114 --> 00:40:03,707 But instead it was stolen and secreted away. 576 00:40:03,818 --> 00:40:08,822 Some say that Goya himself engineered the theft. 577 00:40:09,824 --> 00:40:14,235 For 200 years, the painting was sought by collectors, 578 00:40:14,335 --> 00:40:18,532 craved by the mighty, and became the stuff of legend. 579 00:40:18,632 --> 00:40:21,402 - And is the legend true? - Does it matter? 580 00:40:21,502 --> 00:40:24,539 The truth is nice, but a rumor is priceless. 581 00:40:24,739 --> 00:40:28,242 What does Strago want with it? If it does exist, it belongs to Spain. 582 00:40:28,342 --> 00:40:30,578 If anyone tried to sell it, they'd be arrested on the spot. 583 00:40:30,678 --> 00:40:34,048 Yes, well, that is where the story gets interesting, you see. 584 00:40:34,148 --> 00:40:39,220 The Duchess pops up again in France in 1943, 585 00:40:39,320 --> 00:40:44,792 looted from some sealed room in an unpronounceable chateau by the jerrys. 586 00:40:44,892 --> 00:40:48,496 Hermann Goering was said to have been obsessed with the painting, 587 00:40:48,596 --> 00:40:51,866 and there are rumors that he inscribed on it 588 00:40:51,966 --> 00:40:56,337 the codes to his numbered Swiss bank account. 589 00:40:56,437 --> 00:40:59,807 Untold riches and all that, what? 590 00:41:00,207 --> 00:41:01,909 But... 591 00:41:02,009 --> 00:41:06,080 when the allies captured Goering... 592 00:41:06,180 --> 00:41:08,716 Out of the way, out of the way. 593 00:41:09,016 --> 00:41:11,565 There was no mention of the painting. 594 00:41:12,620 --> 00:41:15,923 It had vanished once again into history, 595 00:41:16,023 --> 00:41:18,626 and the secret bank accounts along with it. 596 00:41:18,726 --> 00:41:21,796 - What are we talking about here? - Hundreds and hundreds of millions, 597 00:41:21,896 --> 00:41:26,233 surrounded by all that Gruyere, chocolate, and fine wines. 598 00:41:26,333 --> 00:41:28,803 - Well, that's what Emil's after. - The fine wine? 599 00:41:28,903 --> 00:41:31,933 No, the fortune to fund violent worldwide revolution. 600 00:41:32,033 --> 00:41:32,740 Right! 601 00:41:32,840 --> 00:41:36,177 Multiple attacks over the years to come, countless lives are at stake. 602 00:41:36,477 --> 00:41:39,583 - That painting should be destroyed. - Yeah. 603 00:41:39,683 --> 00:41:43,002 Fingers crossed, chaps, you find it first. I'm off for a wee. 604 00:42:04,588 --> 00:42:07,007 I'm deeply, deeply flattered, young man. 605 00:42:07,107 --> 00:42:12,079 However, I myself do not swing that... 606 00:42:12,179 --> 00:42:15,246 Oh, Golly! I have read about this. 607 00:42:18,218 --> 00:42:21,556 I sunk into an uneasy slumber, 608 00:42:21,656 --> 00:42:27,388 interspersed curiously with erotic dreams. 609 00:43:02,863 --> 00:43:05,810 Lady Mortdecai, the Duke is expecting you. 610 00:43:06,100 --> 00:43:07,901 This way. 611 00:43:14,241 --> 00:43:17,778 Her Lady Mortdecai to see you, Your Grace. 612 00:43:17,878 --> 00:43:20,381 The Duke of Asherboroughdon. 613 00:43:20,481 --> 00:43:22,983 Your Grace. So kind of you to see me. 614 00:43:23,083 --> 00:43:26,633 Lady Mortdecai. 615 00:43:27,688 --> 00:43:31,358 You'll forgive me just a moment, I'm sure? 616 00:43:31,458 --> 00:43:33,302 Of course. 617 00:43:38,232 --> 00:43:40,572 Lady Mortdecai. 618 00:43:42,269 --> 00:43:47,608 Johnson! Who is this woman Mortdecai and what does she want? 619 00:43:47,708 --> 00:43:50,611 Well, I don't know. I don't know. Why wasn't I told? 620 00:43:51,145 --> 00:43:53,968 She's so damned attractive. 621 00:43:54,348 --> 00:43:56,938 Hello? Hello? 622 00:44:02,022 --> 00:44:04,124 Water bailiff. 623 00:44:04,224 --> 00:44:08,729 Had to speak to the water bailiff about my water. 624 00:44:08,829 --> 00:44:11,336 Fishing tomorrow, you know. 625 00:44:11,436 --> 00:44:13,500 Hate it. Sit. 626 00:44:13,600 --> 00:44:16,025 Bloody nuisance. 627 00:44:17,387 --> 00:44:21,342 Your Grace, I... I understand you were close with Bronwen Fellworthy. 628 00:44:21,442 --> 00:44:24,177 - Yes. - I'm very sorry. 629 00:44:24,345 --> 00:44:28,248 Her gardener gave me your name, and I wondered... 630 00:44:28,348 --> 00:44:31,184 The painting she was working on in the end... 631 00:44:31,852 --> 00:44:32,775 What? 632 00:44:34,021 --> 00:44:35,990 No, I can't understand a word she says. 633 00:44:36,090 --> 00:44:39,994 I've been trying to get rid of her, but she's so damned attractive. 634 00:44:40,494 --> 00:44:41,928 Sorry. You were saying? 635 00:44:42,028 --> 00:44:45,432 - You served in the War then, Your Grace? - Poor old gal. 636 00:44:45,532 --> 00:44:49,937 Done to death with malice aforethought and so forth. 637 00:44:50,337 --> 00:44:52,195 Poor Bronwen. 638 00:44:52,706 --> 00:44:54,957 The painting, Your Grace. 639 00:44:56,076 --> 00:44:59,313 Did she ever mention The Duchess of Wellington? 640 00:44:59,413 --> 00:45:01,640 Oh. Beautiful woman. 641 00:45:01,740 --> 00:45:04,919 - Bronwen? - Must to the lavatory. 642 00:45:05,019 --> 00:45:09,990 Would you care to come and take a peek at it? 643 00:45:11,826 --> 00:45:15,862 An exquisite invitation, Your Grace, but I'm afraid I must decline. 644 00:45:15,962 --> 00:45:18,790 - Let's get back to the Duchess. - Bunny has it. 645 00:45:18,890 --> 00:45:22,269 - I beg your pardon? - During the War. Nazi bastards. 646 00:45:22,369 --> 00:45:25,536 Bunny rolled it up in a carpet and didn't tell a soul. 647 00:45:25,636 --> 00:45:29,243 - Bunny is a soldier in your unit? - 7th Army, 2nd Division. 648 00:45:29,343 --> 00:45:32,747 Captured Goering. First man in the room. 649 00:45:32,847 --> 00:45:35,182 Do you think that Bunny still has the painting now? 650 00:45:35,282 --> 00:45:37,551 Must to the W.C. 651 00:45:39,086 --> 00:45:41,388 Do have a look? 652 00:45:41,688 --> 00:45:44,225 I'm afraid I must be going, Your Grace. 653 00:45:44,825 --> 00:45:46,760 Thank you very much for your time. 654 00:45:47,794 --> 00:45:50,231 And you are? 655 00:45:51,131 --> 00:45:55,914 The water bailiff, Your Grace. Fishing tomorrow's been cancelled. 656 00:45:58,772 --> 00:46:00,274 Thank heaven. 657 00:46:11,685 --> 00:46:14,422 What's that? Funny. 658 00:46:27,567 --> 00:46:30,771 Right. I demand some explanations. 659 00:46:30,871 --> 00:46:33,874 No, no. Change that. I need a restorative. 660 00:46:33,974 --> 00:46:35,776 How 'bout some finger sandwiches? 661 00:46:35,876 --> 00:46:39,196 Just the usual, you know. Egg cress, prawn mayonnaise, 662 00:46:39,296 --> 00:46:43,417 possibly a gallon of your finest whisky just to start the day properly. 663 00:46:43,517 --> 00:46:45,116 You know how it is, gentlemen. 664 00:46:47,052 --> 00:46:49,112 Oh, I see. 665 00:46:52,192 --> 00:46:54,128 Actually, make that caviar. 666 00:46:54,228 --> 00:46:58,065 Some warmed blinis, creme fraiche, boiled egg whites, 667 00:46:58,165 --> 00:47:02,002 and vodka so ice cold you need gloves to handle it. 668 00:47:02,421 --> 00:47:04,939 And don't forget the herringbone spoon. 669 00:47:05,039 --> 00:47:08,102 We're not savages, after all, are we? 670 00:47:10,144 --> 00:47:11,912 Welcome to Russia, Mr. Mortdecai. 671 00:47:13,180 --> 00:47:15,950 - And you are? - Roman Romanov. 672 00:47:16,250 --> 00:47:19,419 Romanov. Sir Graham's client. 673 00:47:19,519 --> 00:47:21,722 So I have him to thank for this. 674 00:47:24,291 --> 00:47:26,560 Oh, that's unpleasant. 675 00:47:26,660 --> 00:47:28,762 Where's the Goya? 676 00:47:28,862 --> 00:47:31,264 - I don't know. - But you know about art. 677 00:47:31,364 --> 00:47:34,869 A bit. You have a Turner of the Loire, which cannot be right 678 00:47:34,969 --> 00:47:38,305 because the original is hanging in the D'Orsay. Terribly sorry. 679 00:47:38,405 --> 00:47:41,708 A magnificent Callow of about 1840, 680 00:47:41,808 --> 00:47:44,878 a polychrome James Bourne, rare, 681 00:47:44,978 --> 00:47:48,916 a pair of rather flashy Varleys from his last period, 682 00:47:49,016 --> 00:47:52,486 and the finest Edridge I have ever seen. 683 00:47:52,586 --> 00:47:55,422 Yes. Where is the Goya? 684 00:47:55,622 --> 00:47:59,376 Well, where is the last place you saw it? Have you looked under your couch? 685 00:47:59,476 --> 00:48:01,914 Yeah, because when I've lost something, sometimes I say to myself, 686 00:48:02,014 --> 00:48:03,964 "Charlie, where could it be?" 687 00:48:05,279 --> 00:48:09,336 God! That wasn't nice! 688 00:48:09,436 --> 00:48:11,538 Oh, no! No. 689 00:48:11,638 --> 00:48:14,941 For 17 years, I pursued this painting. You know why? 690 00:48:15,041 --> 00:48:18,077 Because I want, I will have. 691 00:48:19,780 --> 00:48:24,518 This will be easier and much less painful if you please to tell me. 692 00:48:24,618 --> 00:48:26,220 Where is the painting? 693 00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:29,158 But why does everyone seem to think... 694 00:48:31,358 --> 00:48:35,429 Oh! You pretended to be gentle, but you weren't! 695 00:48:35,529 --> 00:48:38,031 Milton Krampf tells everyone he is getting painting. 696 00:48:38,131 --> 00:48:40,334 You're his dealer, so you have painting! 697 00:48:40,434 --> 00:48:43,237 I am very sorry. I simply don't know. 698 00:48:43,337 --> 00:48:48,349 Dmitri, please to fetch 12-volt high-tension car battery. 699 00:48:48,909 --> 00:48:51,912 I am afraid you are barking up the wrong Englishman, comrade. 700 00:48:52,012 --> 00:48:55,349 Vladimir, please to take Mr. Mortdecai's trousers down. 701 00:48:57,985 --> 00:49:00,323 Perhaps we can work something out. 702 00:49:00,423 --> 00:49:04,391 What if I find it for you? Say, 30% finder's fee, what? 703 00:49:04,491 --> 00:49:05,996 Open your balls. 704 00:49:09,062 --> 00:49:12,269 I shan't! What does that even mean? 705 00:49:14,968 --> 00:49:16,494 I'll go to 20. 706 00:49:17,804 --> 00:49:18,806 Balls. 707 00:49:19,940 --> 00:49:22,507 10% seems exploitive! 708 00:49:24,611 --> 00:49:26,612 That's not cricket! 709 00:49:31,418 --> 00:49:33,445 Oh, Jock... 710 00:49:36,923 --> 00:49:41,261 Jump! Oh, dear, sweet, resourceful Jock. 711 00:49:41,788 --> 00:49:43,096 It's my manservant. 712 00:49:43,196 --> 00:49:45,868 It appears he's requesting my immediate self-defenestration. 713 00:49:51,355 --> 00:49:52,540 Balls! 714 00:49:54,207 --> 00:49:56,099 Forgive me, Vladimir. 715 00:49:59,746 --> 00:50:01,065 No balls. 716 00:50:04,851 --> 00:50:07,926 Thank you so much, Vladimir. 717 00:50:08,588 --> 00:50:10,624 Oh, I see... 718 00:50:11,792 --> 00:50:15,718 - Hello! I'm outside. - Come on, sir. 719 00:50:15,818 --> 00:50:18,866 - I wish to use your telephone! - Head toward the bike. 720 00:50:18,966 --> 00:50:21,802 Oh, I love motorcycles. They're very fast. 721 00:50:21,902 --> 00:50:23,970 - Sir? Sir? - What, Jock? 722 00:50:24,070 --> 00:50:25,947 Your trousers. It's a little unseemly. 723 00:50:26,047 --> 00:50:28,793 The trousers... Jock, you know, it's entirely possible... 724 00:50:28,893 --> 00:50:30,503 - ...that I've bumped my head... - You think? 725 00:50:30,603 --> 00:50:34,514 Have you heard the expression, "Open your balls"? 726 00:50:34,614 --> 00:50:37,684 - No, sir. - It made me feel dirty. 727 00:50:43,323 --> 00:50:45,342 Hang on, sir! 728 00:50:52,699 --> 00:50:54,821 Bloody good show, Jock! 729 00:50:55,001 --> 00:50:56,604 You really are a cut above! 730 00:50:58,472 --> 00:51:00,237 Where would you like to go, sir? 731 00:51:00,337 --> 00:51:05,612 The only safe ground is English soil. To the Embassy, chop-chop. 732 00:51:06,556 --> 00:51:08,123 Jock? 733 00:51:09,149 --> 00:51:10,561 Keep your head down, sir! 734 00:51:13,754 --> 00:51:15,155 - Hang on, sir! - Okay! 735 00:51:16,489 --> 00:51:17,557 - Jock? - Yes, sir? 736 00:51:17,657 --> 00:51:20,728 - Will it be all right in the end? - I couldn't say, sir! 737 00:51:29,769 --> 00:51:32,235 No, not the stairs! 738 00:51:38,144 --> 00:51:40,447 A bit of noise, sir! 739 00:51:41,347 --> 00:51:43,306 There we go! 740 00:51:55,796 --> 00:51:59,700 - Oh, it was dashed exhilarating. - Where to, sir? 741 00:51:59,800 --> 00:52:01,802 Well, it was long ago, and she was underage, 742 00:52:01,902 --> 00:52:04,037 but I do believe the embassy is that way. 743 00:52:04,137 --> 00:52:06,650 - Right you are, sir. - Right. 744 00:52:06,806 --> 00:52:08,508 - Jockie? - Yes, sir? 745 00:52:08,708 --> 00:52:11,412 - "Open your balls"? - I have no idea. 746 00:52:11,512 --> 00:52:15,251 Is it that you actually know and don't want to tell me? 747 00:52:15,351 --> 00:52:16,383 Yes, sir. 748 00:52:19,218 --> 00:52:21,422 They've got him. Ambassador's residence in Moscow. 749 00:52:21,522 --> 00:52:23,089 They're putting him on the next flight to Heathrow. 750 00:52:23,189 --> 00:52:26,059 - Thank you. - And his wife is on line six for you. 751 00:52:26,459 --> 00:52:28,517 Thank you! 752 00:52:29,729 --> 00:52:31,803 Thank you, Maurice. 753 00:52:32,232 --> 00:52:33,753 Maurice? 754 00:52:34,400 --> 00:52:35,836 Shut the door. 755 00:52:36,136 --> 00:52:37,642 Yes, sir. 756 00:52:40,407 --> 00:52:42,976 Hello, Johanna. We've found him. He's on his way home. 757 00:52:43,464 --> 00:52:47,681 Thank heavens. This place is an absolute mausoleum on one's own. 758 00:52:47,781 --> 00:52:50,250 - Do you feel unsafe? - A bit. 759 00:52:50,350 --> 00:52:52,219 I could park outside for the night. 760 00:52:52,519 --> 00:52:55,822 Oh, I couldn't ask. But how about tomorrow? 761 00:52:55,922 --> 00:52:58,525 Do come in, of course. Say, 8:00? 762 00:52:58,725 --> 00:53:00,994 You, me, and Charlie? 763 00:53:01,094 --> 00:53:04,868 Well, of course, Alastair. Wouldn't do, the two of us here alone, would it? 764 00:53:06,266 --> 00:53:09,050 No, I suppose not. Still... 765 00:53:09,150 --> 00:53:11,643 if he can't make it, he can't make it. 766 00:53:12,405 --> 00:53:13,974 May I bring anything? 767 00:53:14,074 --> 00:53:15,742 Perhaps there is something you could bring. 768 00:53:16,042 --> 00:53:17,210 A bottle of Chardonnay? 769 00:53:17,310 --> 00:53:19,677 A complete regimental listing of the British 7th Army, 770 00:53:19,777 --> 00:53:22,278 2nd Division, June of 1945. 771 00:53:23,917 --> 00:53:26,592 - Very well, Johanna. - 'Til tomorrow. Ta! 772 00:53:30,624 --> 00:53:34,193 Well, maybe he won't be able to make it. 773 00:53:48,642 --> 00:53:51,044 - Uppy, uppy, Jock! - You are uppy, sir. 774 00:53:51,144 --> 00:53:54,180 Am I? Where are we? 775 00:53:54,547 --> 00:53:57,550 You should see the other fellow. 776 00:53:58,852 --> 00:54:01,020 The fact that you're as drunk as a fiddler's bitch 777 00:54:01,120 --> 00:54:05,675 in no way obviates the fact that you very nearly caused an international incident. 778 00:54:05,775 --> 00:54:10,057 A man your age has no excuse for looking or behaving like a fugitive 779 00:54:10,157 --> 00:54:14,268 from a home for alcoholic music hall artistes. 780 00:54:14,368 --> 00:54:17,020 I will have you know that I am not an alcoholic. 781 00:54:17,120 --> 00:54:20,640 I am a drunk, and there is a vast difference. 782 00:54:20,740 --> 00:54:24,144 In my defense, I was not drinking until the plane. 783 00:54:24,244 --> 00:54:26,313 - And in the car, sir. - And a bit in the car. 784 00:54:26,413 --> 00:54:31,351 - And the Ambassador's residence. - And at the Ambassador's residence. 785 00:54:31,451 --> 00:54:36,022 The only advice I offer is you do not apply to another of our embassies for help 786 00:54:36,122 --> 00:54:40,760 if and when you outrage the laws of the United States, once you are there. 787 00:54:40,860 --> 00:54:43,363 Stop! Stop! 788 00:54:43,463 --> 00:54:46,566 Are you suggesting that I go to the Colonies? 789 00:54:46,666 --> 00:54:49,403 Perish the vile thought. I couldn't possibly. 790 00:54:49,503 --> 00:54:53,690 The sale of your Rolls-Royce to Krampf will offer you a perfect cover. 791 00:54:53,790 --> 00:54:55,859 Find out if he's got that painting. 792 00:54:55,959 --> 00:54:58,712 Get behind the gates of his estate and poke around a bit. 793 00:54:59,312 --> 00:55:02,616 The car has been loaded upon a cargo flight to Los Angeles, 794 00:55:02,716 --> 00:55:06,052 and is halfway across the Atlantic. You will follow. 795 00:55:06,152 --> 00:55:08,755 California? Oh, icky! 796 00:55:09,055 --> 00:55:13,093 Your bags have been packed and checked, and your flight leaves... Now. 797 00:55:13,193 --> 00:55:15,311 On your feet, soldier. 798 00:55:16,596 --> 00:55:17,865 Hang on to me. 799 00:55:19,599 --> 00:55:24,037 I should like to ring my wife because she's probably quite worried about me. 800 00:55:24,137 --> 00:55:28,717 Oh, don't worry about her. I've been keeping her filled in. 801 00:55:30,343 --> 00:55:32,629 I say, old bean! 802 00:55:32,729 --> 00:55:34,881 Go to America and see Krampf. 803 00:55:34,981 --> 00:55:39,719 Do what it takes to bring the painting back, and leave Johanna to me. 804 00:55:53,800 --> 00:55:57,320 Jock? Come here. 805 00:55:57,771 --> 00:55:59,145 I'm frightened. 806 00:55:59,245 --> 00:56:03,809 Do you think that Johanna is thawing on the subject of the moustache? 807 00:56:08,181 --> 00:56:09,649 Hi. 808 00:56:09,749 --> 00:56:11,318 Hello. 809 00:56:13,653 --> 00:56:16,392 Sorry, there was a queue. 810 00:56:19,225 --> 00:56:21,194 Good God, man! 811 00:56:22,061 --> 00:56:25,352 Jockie! Focus, man! 812 00:56:25,452 --> 00:56:27,701 There are but five days to insolvency. 813 00:56:27,801 --> 00:56:30,637 - Two, sir. - No, today's, what, Monday? 814 00:56:30,737 --> 00:56:34,207 - Thursday, sir. - Well done. Carry on. 815 00:57:09,208 --> 00:57:12,579 Jock. Dear, sweet, sperm-heavy Jock. 816 00:57:12,679 --> 00:57:17,501 Behold this America, this new colossus, this fair land of the free! 817 00:57:18,384 --> 00:57:21,454 What kind of hell-place is this? 818 00:57:22,388 --> 00:57:24,324 I feel as though we've made a wrong turn 819 00:57:24,424 --> 00:57:26,660 and arrived on the set of a pornographic film. 820 00:57:26,860 --> 00:57:30,764 Have we taken a wrong turn and arrived on the set of a pornographic film? 821 00:57:32,165 --> 00:57:33,683 Checking in? 822 00:57:33,783 --> 00:57:37,471 I am Mortdecai, Lord of Silverdale. 823 00:57:37,571 --> 00:57:42,309 I should like to request a bucket of ice, "Do Not Disturb" sign, and a bulldozer. 824 00:57:43,743 --> 00:57:46,483 - Checking in? - Yeah, we're checking in. 825 00:57:46,980 --> 00:57:49,816 I suspect I may need to redecorate. 826 00:57:50,116 --> 00:57:52,252 Room 326, overlooks the pool. 827 00:57:53,052 --> 00:57:56,156 So all I must do is show up, 828 00:57:56,256 --> 00:57:58,958 and I'm presented with a credit card. 829 00:57:59,058 --> 00:58:01,961 No wonder your country's in financial ruin. 830 00:58:02,061 --> 00:58:04,097 Do you need help with your bags? 831 00:58:04,197 --> 00:58:08,745 No, I do not need help with my bags. I have a fucking manservant. 832 00:58:09,068 --> 00:58:10,670 Strange country. 833 00:58:21,781 --> 00:58:23,612 Hello. 834 00:58:28,988 --> 00:58:30,490 Hold it. 835 00:58:32,759 --> 00:58:34,271 Thanks. 836 00:58:36,729 --> 00:58:38,464 Hey. 837 00:58:38,564 --> 00:58:40,126 Hello... 838 00:58:56,149 --> 00:58:59,452 It's like listening to bloody orangutans! 839 00:58:59,552 --> 00:59:02,055 Oh, really, why? Why? 840 00:59:08,661 --> 00:59:10,563 Hello, American? 841 00:59:10,663 --> 00:59:14,200 The rooms here are made of cement. Very good in case of an air raid. 842 00:59:14,300 --> 00:59:16,202 But for those of us trying to get a bit of rest 843 00:59:16,302 --> 00:59:19,539 after an arduous crossing, a bit of an acoustic nightmare. 844 00:59:19,639 --> 00:59:22,542 So would you please stop grunting like wildebeests 845 00:59:22,642 --> 00:59:25,846 and allow me to get some sleep, man? Please! Please! 846 00:59:25,946 --> 00:59:28,715 Sorry, sir. We'll try and keep it down. 847 00:59:28,915 --> 00:59:32,985 Good God, Jock! Put that thing away, man! 848 00:59:43,062 --> 00:59:44,595 Hello? 849 00:59:44,829 --> 00:59:48,501 Apple of my eye. The love of my life. 850 00:59:48,601 --> 00:59:51,337 Everything here makes me think of you. 851 00:59:51,537 --> 00:59:53,593 Who is this? 852 00:59:54,941 --> 00:59:59,362 It is I, your beloved. Your husband, Charlie. 853 00:59:59,462 --> 01:00:00,914 Where are you? 854 01:00:01,014 --> 01:00:04,217 Oh, a terribly vulgar place called Los Angeles. 855 01:00:04,317 --> 01:00:06,653 Apparently located in the far West colonies. 856 01:00:06,753 --> 01:00:08,571 Well, what are you doing there? 857 01:00:08,671 --> 01:00:12,258 Well, I'm delivering the Rolls to that grotesque Milton Krampf 858 01:00:12,358 --> 01:00:15,328 and retrieving a certain something in the process. 859 01:00:15,428 --> 01:00:18,998 Stay away from Krampf's daughter. She's a well-known nymphomaniac. 860 01:00:19,698 --> 01:00:22,101 Is she? How do you know such things? 861 01:00:22,201 --> 01:00:24,838 Johanna, we seem to be out of ice. Should I send for some? 862 01:00:24,938 --> 01:00:26,706 It's my husband on the line. 863 01:00:26,806 --> 01:00:29,809 Oh, is he still alive? Has he got the painting yet? 864 01:00:29,909 --> 01:00:32,779 - Is that Martland? - I'll just be a moment, Alastair. 865 01:00:32,879 --> 01:00:37,015 That Judas! That Ajax! That Paris! Or was it Agamemnon? 866 01:00:37,115 --> 01:00:39,170 Oh, you know who I mean. That ghastly chap 867 01:00:39,270 --> 01:00:42,656 who stole Helen of Troy and started all that nasty business in Greece. 868 01:00:46,645 --> 01:00:48,061 - Done! - Finally! 869 01:00:48,161 --> 01:00:52,932 Charlie? Why are people achieving climax in your immediate vicinity? 870 01:00:53,232 --> 01:00:58,271 Well, I think I'm staying in some sort of cement brothel, my love. 871 01:00:58,571 --> 01:01:01,641 - Say that again. - You look here, I will have you know 872 01:01:01,741 --> 01:01:05,912 that I too am capable of being desirable to a certain type of woman! 873 01:01:06,012 --> 01:01:08,381 - Charlie! - Yes, oh, yes! 874 01:01:08,481 --> 01:01:13,536 Some women go blind batting their lashes for mustachioed men such as I! 875 01:01:13,636 --> 01:01:17,140 Charlie Mortdecai, you are on very dangerous ground! 876 01:01:17,240 --> 01:01:19,659 Tell me the name of that nympho daughter of Krampf's! 877 01:01:19,759 --> 01:01:22,596 Perhaps she would render an opinion on the issue! 878 01:01:30,203 --> 01:01:34,273 Never mind. I've found a cold Latour which we might enjoy... 879 01:01:35,408 --> 01:01:37,436 Johanna? 880 01:01:38,111 --> 01:01:39,380 Oh, balls. 881 01:01:40,380 --> 01:01:45,185 Jock and I set off to deliver the Rolls to my client, Milton Krampf. 882 01:01:45,785 --> 01:01:48,688 Ruthless billionaire, art collector, 883 01:01:48,788 --> 01:01:53,126 and the rumored possessor of the lost Goya. 884 01:01:53,226 --> 01:01:55,395 I was hot on the scent, 885 01:01:55,495 --> 01:01:59,532 and a teensy bit curious about his nympho daughter. 886 01:02:06,505 --> 01:02:08,585 Yes... Right. 887 01:02:09,075 --> 01:02:12,646 We must secure the painting, escape this nightmare posthaste 888 01:02:12,746 --> 01:02:14,647 and you should interrupt me as soon as you can. 889 01:02:14,747 --> 01:02:15,966 Yes, sir. 890 01:02:22,021 --> 01:02:24,524 Lucky saddle. 891 01:02:26,325 --> 01:02:31,965 Yes! The fine life-giving drinks tray manifests itself. 892 01:02:32,065 --> 01:02:35,401 - A mint julep, sir. - Anything will do, I thank you. 893 01:02:35,501 --> 01:02:37,270 I'm Georgina Krampf. 894 01:02:37,370 --> 01:02:39,520 Oh! How do you do? 895 01:02:45,178 --> 01:02:46,513 You must be Mortdecai. 896 01:02:46,813 --> 01:02:50,583 Yes, indeed I am he. 897 01:02:51,684 --> 01:02:54,253 Are you not having a little something to drink? 898 01:02:54,353 --> 01:02:57,791 No, I never drink alcohol. I don't like to blunt my senses. 899 01:02:57,991 --> 01:02:59,959 How awful. 900 01:03:00,059 --> 01:03:02,079 Oh, I feel wonderful. 901 01:03:03,449 --> 01:03:05,273 Feel me. 902 01:03:05,765 --> 01:03:07,791 Feel? Oh. 903 01:03:09,001 --> 01:03:11,772 - Oh, yes. - No, not there, stupid. Here. 904 01:03:16,476 --> 01:03:21,347 - Charlie Mortdecai, you son of a bitch... - I was not squeezing the breasts... 905 01:03:23,282 --> 01:03:24,234 The Rolls. 906 01:03:50,743 --> 01:03:52,445 So, I was a mule! 907 01:03:52,545 --> 01:03:54,648 Right. You know, Bronwen called me when she discovered the Goya, 908 01:03:54,748 --> 01:03:57,283 and I called Spinoza, and then he arranged for everything, 909 01:03:57,383 --> 01:04:00,486 including the smuggling of the painting in your Rolls. 910 01:04:00,586 --> 01:04:02,555 Yes, but someone found out about the plan, 911 01:04:02,655 --> 01:04:06,559 and now Bronwen is as stiff as my Uncle Richard's hatband. 912 01:04:06,659 --> 01:04:09,762 - Art restoring is a nasty business. - You are a nasty business, sir. 913 01:04:09,862 --> 01:04:12,165 Just look at her. Isn't she a beauty? 914 01:04:12,265 --> 01:04:14,812 - Yes, she is. - My God... 915 01:04:14,912 --> 01:04:16,903 - She's exquisite. - So good... 916 01:04:17,003 --> 01:04:21,741 The expert brushstrokes, the smooth lines... 917 01:04:21,841 --> 01:04:24,677 Doesn't she look like my mother? Can you see a resemblance? 918 01:04:24,777 --> 01:04:26,512 I never met your mother. 919 01:04:26,612 --> 01:04:30,350 No, not in her, in me. She's got prominent lips like me... 920 01:04:30,450 --> 01:04:33,177 and those far-searching eyes... Don't you think so? 921 01:04:33,277 --> 01:04:35,188 Oh, yes. Do you mind? 922 01:04:38,224 --> 01:04:41,155 I was just looking for something... 923 01:04:41,855 --> 01:04:43,910 else. 924 01:04:46,465 --> 01:04:47,767 Okay. 925 01:04:47,967 --> 01:04:50,970 Branspath? Okay. Thank you so much. 926 01:04:51,070 --> 01:04:52,972 - In my study, please. - Very good, sir. 927 01:04:53,072 --> 01:04:55,542 Thank you. No hard feelings. 928 01:04:55,642 --> 01:04:58,911 I hope you'll stay with me tonight. I'm throwing a party. 929 01:04:59,011 --> 01:05:00,713 I'm gonna unveil the Duchess, 930 01:05:00,813 --> 01:05:05,051 and watch every art world snob in town drool all over her. 931 01:05:05,151 --> 01:05:08,113 We'll have your things sent over from the hotel. Go upstairs and freshen up. 932 01:05:08,213 --> 01:05:10,590 You smell like a horse! And if you're quick about it, 933 01:05:10,690 --> 01:05:13,909 you might have time to couple with Georgina before dinner. 934 01:05:14,009 --> 01:05:16,196 She's been through half the staff already. 935 01:05:28,474 --> 01:05:30,410 Sir, you're staring at your liquor. 936 01:05:31,844 --> 01:05:34,013 So I am. 937 01:05:34,113 --> 01:05:38,117 Jock, I fear we are in the eleventh hour, man. 938 01:05:38,417 --> 01:05:43,156 Our very future rests on getting our hands on that blasted painting. 939 01:05:43,256 --> 01:05:46,993 And therefore it's imperative that we devise a plan. 940 01:05:47,093 --> 01:05:49,862 And it will have to be a fiendishly clever plan. 941 01:05:49,962 --> 01:05:53,232 - Well, sir... I've been thinking... - And I mean dizzyingly complex, 942 01:05:53,332 --> 01:05:55,501 replete with feints and distractions 943 01:05:55,601 --> 01:05:58,643 and calibrated movements of the Swiss watch type. 944 01:05:58,743 --> 01:06:00,872 What? Thoughts? 945 01:06:01,207 --> 01:06:04,250 During the party, we steal it while no one's looking. 946 01:06:07,079 --> 01:06:10,115 Ingenious. Once again? 947 01:06:11,317 --> 01:06:15,054 You go down, get your face seen a bit... 948 01:06:15,154 --> 01:06:18,174 then you meet me 'round the back later, we climb up the side of the building, 949 01:06:18,274 --> 01:06:21,093 break through the window, grab the painting. 950 01:06:21,560 --> 01:06:23,963 Oh, diabolical. 951 01:06:25,215 --> 01:06:26,960 Let's review it a few more times, shall we? 952 01:06:27,060 --> 01:06:28,968 It's just the old smash-and-grab routine, sir. 953 01:06:29,068 --> 01:06:33,572 Of course it is. This is just the old smash-and-grab business. 954 01:06:33,672 --> 01:06:35,208 Smash-and-grab. 955 01:06:35,508 --> 01:06:37,276 - Jock? - Yes, sir? 956 01:06:37,376 --> 01:06:39,779 - I am so very proud of you. - Thank you, sir. 957 01:06:39,879 --> 01:06:41,179 - And, Jock? - Yes, sir? 958 01:06:41,279 --> 01:06:43,716 - You know, I've always been fond of you. - Thank you, sir. 959 01:06:43,816 --> 01:06:44,861 - Jock? - Yup? 960 01:06:44,961 --> 01:06:48,467 - Will it be all right in the end? - How the fuck should I know? 961 01:07:10,643 --> 01:07:12,444 Unremarkable. 962 01:07:20,119 --> 01:07:23,656 Keep the Englishman busy. I create distraction. 963 01:07:23,756 --> 01:07:25,796 No problem. 964 01:07:39,571 --> 01:07:41,163 Hi. 965 01:07:42,875 --> 01:07:45,977 - That's my bottom. - Dance with me. 966 01:07:46,912 --> 01:07:48,364 Starburst! 967 01:07:50,983 --> 01:07:52,852 Oh! So much! So much to look at! 968 01:07:58,657 --> 01:07:59,576 Have me. 969 01:07:59,676 --> 01:08:03,496 Oh, my dear, I'm so tired. And so married and so tired. 970 01:08:03,596 --> 01:08:08,234 And so married... Oh! And I'm married and tired, you know. 971 01:08:08,734 --> 01:08:10,103 I... 972 01:08:15,708 --> 01:08:19,045 Darling! Whatever brings you here? 973 01:08:19,445 --> 01:08:22,748 This is not a breast in my hand! 974 01:08:23,248 --> 01:08:27,661 I was unhappy with our last conversation, so I got on the next plane. Surprised? 975 01:08:27,853 --> 01:08:30,623 Oh, pleasantly. 976 01:08:31,056 --> 01:08:33,092 Aren't you going to introduce us? 977 01:08:33,192 --> 01:08:36,862 Johanna, my dear, this is Milton Krampf's nymph... 978 01:08:36,962 --> 01:08:38,864 Daughter Georgina. 979 01:08:38,964 --> 01:08:44,503 And she was, well, we were having a discussion about three... 980 01:08:45,104 --> 01:08:48,107 Sometimes, you know, how it's like a... 981 01:08:56,048 --> 01:08:58,865 My, my, look at the time! 982 01:09:02,004 --> 01:09:03,256 Carry on! 983 01:09:11,530 --> 01:09:14,399 A beast... A beast... 984 01:09:18,471 --> 01:09:23,008 Yes, yes, yes. Good hungry doggie... 985 01:09:23,108 --> 01:09:25,717 Weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie... 986 01:09:25,817 --> 01:09:29,348 Weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie... 987 01:09:39,858 --> 01:09:41,126 I met a beast... 988 01:09:41,226 --> 01:09:42,761 Krampf's window is the second one on the left. 989 01:09:42,861 --> 01:09:46,632 - No, no. I met a beast! - Get on that ladder! 990 01:09:46,932 --> 01:09:51,603 And what, pray tell, might you be doing whilst I'm engaged in thus heroics? 991 01:09:52,137 --> 01:09:54,774 Beast! Beast! Beast... 992 01:10:00,145 --> 01:10:04,116 How I long for the rain and indifference of Europe. 993 01:10:04,216 --> 01:10:07,186 - Well done, Jock! - It's a privilege, sir! 994 01:10:19,465 --> 01:10:20,831 Well then, Mr. Krampf. 995 01:10:20,931 --> 01:10:24,597 I suppose since you're here and I'm here, 996 01:10:24,697 --> 01:10:26,372 it's time for you and I to talk turkey. 997 01:10:37,650 --> 01:10:38,585 Oh, I see. 998 01:10:42,955 --> 01:10:44,881 Oh, I see. 999 01:10:46,459 --> 01:10:50,496 Bad news for you, Strago. There are no bank codes on that painting. 1000 01:10:50,996 --> 01:10:55,167 I think we both know that there are. Invisible ink, no? 1001 01:10:55,267 --> 01:10:56,925 Stop right there! 1002 01:10:57,403 --> 01:10:59,372 Sit down. Sit! 1003 01:10:59,472 --> 01:11:02,908 I... I warn you, Georgina. You have no idea what you're getting involved with. 1004 01:11:03,008 --> 01:11:05,878 Despite his man purse, Strago is very dangerous. 1005 01:11:05,978 --> 01:11:09,915 - Darling, they are in cahoots. - How do you know? 1006 01:11:10,015 --> 01:11:12,592 Oh, that's gross! 1007 01:11:13,018 --> 01:11:14,587 We are in love. 1008 01:11:14,687 --> 01:11:16,389 Drop the gun! 1009 01:11:16,889 --> 01:11:17,990 Emil! 1010 01:11:18,090 --> 01:11:20,023 - Alastair! - Do it now! 1011 01:11:27,266 --> 01:11:30,970 Good show, Martland! Bit redundant, really, as he's dead. 1012 01:11:31,070 --> 01:11:34,239 - Alastair, what are you doing here? - I followed you. 1013 01:11:34,339 --> 01:11:37,510 Wouldn't do to have you walking into all this mess on your own, now, would it? 1014 01:11:37,610 --> 01:11:39,311 Jock, give me the painting. 1015 01:11:39,411 --> 01:11:42,381 - Sit down! - Drop the knife! I will shoot you. 1016 01:11:42,481 --> 01:11:44,350 Yes, most likely by accident. 1017 01:11:44,450 --> 01:11:47,453 None of you will ever know what it's like to make love to a man with principles. 1018 01:11:47,553 --> 01:11:50,023 Well, in my case, I can safely say you are correct. 1019 01:11:50,123 --> 01:11:53,092 However, I never went to Eton where buggery is rampant. 1020 01:11:53,192 --> 01:11:54,960 Oh, you were at Eton, weren't you, Martland? 1021 01:11:55,060 --> 01:11:57,964 Yes, yes, I was. Yes, I was! 1022 01:12:09,842 --> 01:12:12,361 Please don't be sick! Please don't be sick! 1023 01:12:13,011 --> 01:12:14,380 It's the shellfish! 1024 01:12:15,681 --> 01:12:17,650 - You have it? Do you have it? - Go! Go! 1025 01:12:17,750 --> 01:12:20,292 I go, I go, I go! 1026 01:12:21,053 --> 01:12:22,109 Valet! 1027 01:12:22,788 --> 01:12:25,758 - Oh, I don't like that. I don't like it. - Close your eyes, sir. 1028 01:12:25,858 --> 01:12:29,215 - Give me the keys. Keys to the Rolls. - Come on, let's go. 1029 01:12:29,315 --> 01:12:31,364 Well, at least none of us had the shellfish. 1030 01:12:37,202 --> 01:12:39,252 Jock, please! 1031 01:12:40,038 --> 01:12:42,174 My sympathetic gag reflex. 1032 01:12:42,274 --> 01:12:46,279 Have you lost your bearings, man? Shellfish at a catered affair? 1033 01:12:56,689 --> 01:13:00,826 I will have you two know that I had a firm grasp on things before you showed up. 1034 01:13:00,926 --> 01:13:03,462 You certainly had a firm grasp on something! 1035 01:13:03,562 --> 01:13:06,265 You dare to cast aspersions? 1036 01:13:06,365 --> 01:13:10,403 I am not the one entertaining at all hours with a failed poet! 1037 01:13:18,277 --> 01:13:20,746 At least my focus at university wasn't plagiarism! 1038 01:13:20,846 --> 01:13:22,905 Oh, stay out of it! 1039 01:13:26,518 --> 01:13:29,955 Oh, I've got a sensitive tummy! There's more, there's more, there's more. 1040 01:13:30,055 --> 01:13:32,591 - No more, no more, no more. - I swallowed it. 1041 01:13:34,527 --> 01:13:36,962 At least I have the good taste to hide my indiscretions 1042 01:13:37,062 --> 01:13:38,897 and not parade them under everyone's nose! 1043 01:13:38,997 --> 01:13:41,900 - So you admit there were indiscretions? - I admit nothing! 1044 01:13:42,000 --> 01:13:44,003 - Then I deny nothing. - Oh, shut up! 1045 01:13:59,284 --> 01:14:02,521 Questionable attack, Jock. Spirited, though. 1046 01:14:03,021 --> 01:14:04,056 I'm done. 1047 01:14:39,057 --> 01:14:40,682 - There's their car! - Where? 1048 01:14:40,782 --> 01:14:42,287 There! 1049 01:14:44,997 --> 01:14:49,240 Now we wait. Thirty seconds. Twenty-nine... 1050 01:14:49,340 --> 01:14:51,870 - Twenty-eight... - Don't count. 1051 01:14:57,710 --> 01:15:00,716 Better out than in. All right. 1052 01:15:01,880 --> 01:15:03,849 I shall secure the perimeter. 1053 01:15:03,949 --> 01:15:06,852 Why, this is an outrage! There's not an ocean vista 1054 01:15:06,952 --> 01:15:09,722 - within miles of this establishment. - Please don't be tiresome. Jock! 1055 01:15:09,822 --> 01:15:13,492 Are you quite finished with your barrage of insults? 1056 01:15:17,162 --> 01:15:21,700 Now we heat the surface, reveal the codes and transfer the money. 1057 01:15:21,800 --> 01:15:23,857 Get the blowtorch. 1058 01:15:44,356 --> 01:15:46,091 Nobody make a move. 1059 01:15:46,191 --> 01:15:50,095 I really wouldn't, you know, he's trained and sexually frustrated. 1060 01:15:50,195 --> 01:15:53,465 Those bank codes won't fall into the wrong hands again. 1061 01:15:53,565 --> 01:15:55,671 - Back away from the painting. - Oh, don't do that! 1062 01:15:55,771 --> 01:15:57,703 - For heaven's sake. - For England! 1063 01:16:04,076 --> 01:16:05,576 Oh, dear. 1064 01:16:07,462 --> 01:16:10,023 - Everyone out! - Okay. 1065 01:16:21,393 --> 01:16:24,363 The local authorities were displeased. 1066 01:16:24,463 --> 01:16:26,064 Strago and Georgina fled, 1067 01:16:26,164 --> 01:16:30,202 leaving the rest of us to answer some rather pointed questions. 1068 01:16:30,302 --> 01:16:33,489 I recounted the sordid tale as best I could... 1069 01:16:33,589 --> 01:16:37,710 This may be a customary greeting in America. I don't know. 1070 01:16:38,310 --> 01:16:42,147 All the while, my thoughts were only of home. 1071 01:16:42,247 --> 01:16:47,085 If indeed Johanna and I still had a home to go to. 1072 01:16:54,993 --> 01:16:58,257 I'm not sure if Jock has mentioned it, 1073 01:16:58,357 --> 01:17:02,534 but I am very, very sorry about everything. 1074 01:17:02,634 --> 01:17:06,137 Darling? Please? 1075 01:17:11,009 --> 01:17:16,481 I suppose that we will have to open the house to tours. 1076 01:17:16,581 --> 01:17:19,651 I'll have Jock fix up the servants quarters for us. 1077 01:17:19,751 --> 01:17:24,723 Do you think that Jockie will stay on without pay or lodging? 1078 01:17:24,823 --> 01:17:28,777 Don't be daft. This isn't finished yet. 1079 01:17:28,877 --> 01:17:32,764 That painting was a fake. A fake? How do you know? 1080 01:17:32,864 --> 01:17:35,011 A chap called Bunny's got the real one. 1081 01:17:35,111 --> 01:17:37,302 - Bunny? - Bronwen lied from the start. 1082 01:17:37,702 --> 01:17:42,174 She never found the lost Goya. She painted it. 1083 01:17:42,274 --> 01:17:43,309 Of course! 1084 01:17:43,709 --> 01:17:46,612 Bronwen makes a fake, and calls Krampf. 1085 01:17:46,712 --> 01:17:50,229 Am I interested? I'm wildly interested. 1086 01:17:50,329 --> 01:17:52,451 Krampf calls Spinoza. 1087 01:17:52,551 --> 01:17:54,981 Georgina finds out about it and tells Emil, 1088 01:17:55,081 --> 01:17:57,222 who goes to steal the painting from Bronwen. 1089 01:17:57,322 --> 01:17:59,324 But Spinoza's already there. 1090 01:17:59,424 --> 01:18:02,461 He boffs Emil on the bean and takes the painting. 1091 01:18:02,661 --> 01:18:06,131 Spinoza then secrets the painting into the Rolls 1092 01:18:06,231 --> 01:18:10,102 and I unwittingly smuggle it to Krampf. 1093 01:18:10,202 --> 01:18:13,805 The Duke told me that Bunny has the painting, but I can't find him. 1094 01:18:13,905 --> 01:18:18,043 - Which Duke? - Of Asherboroughdon. Bronwen's lover. 1095 01:18:18,143 --> 01:18:19,645 Bunny. 1096 01:18:19,745 --> 01:18:22,781 "Love, your Bunny!" Oh! The note in the studio. 1097 01:18:22,881 --> 01:18:25,250 It was not from a child, it was from him. 1098 01:18:25,350 --> 01:18:28,487 The Duke is Bunny. 1099 01:18:28,687 --> 01:18:31,819 - And it wasn't his tadger. - Come again? 1100 01:18:31,919 --> 01:18:34,393 The Duke kept trying to get me to go into his lavatory 1101 01:18:34,493 --> 01:18:37,395 - to look at his John Thomas. - Oh. Randy bugger. 1102 01:18:37,495 --> 01:18:40,866 Only that wasn't it at all! He was trying to show me the real painting. 1103 01:18:41,366 --> 01:18:44,957 The Duchess of Wellington is in Bunny's loo. 1104 01:19:01,253 --> 01:19:03,806 - Oh, my. - Oh, my. 1105 01:19:05,223 --> 01:19:08,793 - Oh, my. - Oh, my! 1106 01:19:09,928 --> 01:19:11,580 - Oh, my. - Oh, my. 1107 01:19:14,232 --> 01:19:18,446 Well, the water bailiff won't bother him now. 1108 01:19:19,738 --> 01:19:23,742 - Terribly sorry for your loss, madam. - How very kind. 1109 01:19:25,243 --> 01:19:27,813 Would you mind ever so much if we used the lavatory? 1110 01:19:29,748 --> 01:19:32,113 It's this way. 1111 01:19:37,556 --> 01:19:40,353 Oh, you beautiful breadwinner. 1112 01:19:41,493 --> 01:19:45,030 - Darling, please, you are killing me. - Right. 1113 01:19:46,097 --> 01:19:49,801 - Out the window with it? - Quite. 1114 01:19:51,035 --> 01:19:52,901 However... 1115 01:19:53,538 --> 01:19:57,009 I do have the slightest of queries. 1116 01:19:57,109 --> 01:19:59,177 What do we do next? 1117 01:20:00,144 --> 01:20:02,247 Because if Martland should get his grubby hands on that painting, 1118 01:20:02,347 --> 01:20:06,919 he would destroy a magnificent work of art. And we will be out a finder's fee. 1119 01:20:07,019 --> 01:20:09,221 If it falls into Strago's hands, 1120 01:20:09,321 --> 01:20:14,192 he will unleash his unpleasantness to disastrous effect upon the world. 1121 01:20:14,292 --> 01:20:18,763 And if we try to sell it to Romanov, he will kill us and simply take it instead. 1122 01:20:18,863 --> 01:20:22,868 And yet we must find a way to pay eight million in back taxes. 1123 01:20:22,968 --> 01:20:27,071 Quite, quite, yes, indeed, quite. 1124 01:20:27,171 --> 01:20:30,942 Quite a conundrum, this. I shall need a moment to think this through, I'm afraid. 1125 01:20:31,042 --> 01:20:33,128 Yes, do. Do think. 1126 01:20:33,228 --> 01:20:36,583 Just bear in mind, I'm standing on a loo, holding a dead man's Goya. 1127 01:20:37,983 --> 01:20:41,486 Our painting is entered in Sedgwick's Friday auction, is it not? 1128 01:20:41,986 --> 01:20:44,790 - Yes. - Perfect. 1129 01:20:44,890 --> 01:20:49,027 We are going to enter the Goya into the auction, disguised as our Sheridan. 1130 01:20:49,327 --> 01:20:52,364 But it's already at Sedgwick's. It's been authenticated. 1131 01:20:52,664 --> 01:20:54,533 We'll make a switch. 1132 01:20:54,633 --> 01:20:58,904 But first we must convince our buyers that the Goya's back in play. 1133 01:20:59,004 --> 01:21:02,347 They won't take our word for it. They'll want to see it themselves. 1134 01:21:02,447 --> 01:21:04,109 Then we'll show it to them. 1135 01:21:04,809 --> 01:21:09,414 What the situation requires now is a well-spun rumor. 1136 01:21:09,514 --> 01:21:11,849 Sir Graham. A message for you, sir. 1137 01:21:14,319 --> 01:21:16,855 What is all this nonsense? 1138 01:21:16,955 --> 01:21:20,725 You know I'm not interested in your flaccid Sheridan. 1139 01:21:20,825 --> 01:21:22,517 Darling? 1140 01:21:28,240 --> 01:21:30,323 Interested now? 1141 01:21:30,423 --> 01:21:32,177 Very. 1142 01:21:32,570 --> 01:21:36,174 - But I watched it burn. - It's Mortdecai, sir. 1143 01:21:36,274 --> 01:21:40,307 Chatter is he's found a dashedly clever way to move it on the open market. 1144 01:21:41,480 --> 01:21:45,393 - The auction starts at 5:00 p.m. - I want that painting. 1145 01:21:45,750 --> 01:21:47,787 The auction got it. 1146 01:21:49,253 --> 01:21:50,322 Good luck! 1147 01:22:01,600 --> 01:22:05,670 I believe he still owes me a finger. 1148 01:22:16,681 --> 01:22:18,450 - Hello, pookie. - Hello, darling. 1149 01:22:18,850 --> 01:22:22,521 - I nicked one of their passkeys. - Well done. We're Lot Seven. 1150 01:22:22,621 --> 01:22:26,172 I shall need 30 seconds to make the switch once it's announced. Do not delay. 1151 01:22:26,272 --> 01:22:30,295 I know this building like the back of my hand. You will have your time. 1152 01:22:31,496 --> 01:22:33,499 Good luck. 1153 01:22:49,014 --> 01:22:50,815 Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. 1154 01:22:50,915 --> 01:22:54,315 Welcome to Sedgwick's Autumn Master's Sale. 1155 01:22:54,415 --> 01:22:58,023 We shall begin with Lot One. 1156 01:22:58,123 --> 01:23:00,492 Barnyard Friends. A lovely Helen Allingham, 1157 01:23:00,592 --> 01:23:04,729 depicting two horses, an ass, and several cocks. 1158 01:23:04,829 --> 01:23:06,731 There's a lovely sky here. 1159 01:23:06,831 --> 01:23:10,435 Shall we start the bidding at 17,000 pounds? 1160 01:23:10,535 --> 01:23:12,771 Seventeen thousand pounds, thank you very much. 1161 01:23:18,443 --> 01:23:21,450 Stealthy, man, stealthy. 1162 01:23:22,514 --> 01:23:25,049 Like a jungle cat. 1163 01:23:27,552 --> 01:23:30,054 Hello, Vladimir. So good to see you out and about. 1164 01:23:30,154 --> 01:23:32,924 Tell us where painting is, or you have big hole in your head. 1165 01:23:33,024 --> 01:23:34,927 You will have hole in your balls! 1166 01:23:37,262 --> 01:23:39,465 Why is Dmitri obsessed with testicula? 1167 01:23:44,502 --> 01:23:49,608 Your mother and father only met once. And money changed hands. 1168 01:23:50,909 --> 01:23:53,612 Probably less than a 20. 1169 01:23:53,812 --> 01:23:57,049 And they say she was dressed as a man at the time. 1170 01:23:57,249 --> 01:23:59,764 I wouldn't, mate. 1171 01:24:00,264 --> 01:24:01,460 I really wouldn't. 1172 01:24:02,220 --> 01:24:05,223 Sold to the gentleman in the fuchsia ascot. 1173 01:24:05,523 --> 01:24:07,459 Moving on to Lot Two. 1174 01:24:07,559 --> 01:24:12,264 All right. There. You won't be needing this anymore, will you? Will you? 1175 01:24:16,935 --> 01:24:18,537 My God. 1176 01:24:19,571 --> 01:24:22,240 Oh, dash it all, Jock, man, your hand! 1177 01:24:23,275 --> 01:24:25,143 It's all right, sir, I've got another. 1178 01:24:25,243 --> 01:24:27,912 You know, remarkably, this is not the first time I've shot Jock. 1179 01:24:28,012 --> 01:24:30,415 Sir, the switch. The switch, sir. 1180 01:24:30,515 --> 01:24:33,652 Oh, quite right. No time to dally. 1181 01:24:45,530 --> 01:24:47,565 I'll meet you inside, sir. 1182 01:24:47,665 --> 01:24:50,302 And we move on to Lot Four. 1183 01:24:50,402 --> 01:24:54,139 Fernand Just Quignon's Lavender Field. 1184 01:24:55,039 --> 01:24:56,408 Isn't it charming? 1185 01:25:23,067 --> 01:25:25,671 Thirty-five thousand pounds... 1186 01:25:28,039 --> 01:25:31,943 Forty thousand pounds? 40,000? 45, isn't it? 1187 01:25:32,043 --> 01:25:35,647 Forty-five, thank you, sir. 45, 50, back on the... 1188 01:25:41,853 --> 01:25:43,021 Give me the painting. 1189 01:25:50,194 --> 01:25:52,205 What painting? 1190 01:25:54,899 --> 01:25:58,837 I see that you have been schooled in the... fine art of fencing. 1191 01:26:00,405 --> 01:26:02,212 Alas, 1192 01:26:03,875 --> 01:26:05,130 so have I. 1193 01:26:06,611 --> 01:26:09,047 An essential part of every gentleman's education. 1194 01:26:10,715 --> 01:26:12,110 And as a gentleman, 1195 01:26:12,210 --> 01:26:15,038 I should warn you... that my coup d'arret 1196 01:26:15,138 --> 01:26:19,157 is still whispered about in hushed tones to this very day. 1197 01:26:21,526 --> 01:26:24,595 I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it! 1198 01:26:26,298 --> 01:26:28,900 Twenty-five thousand pounds. 1199 01:26:38,143 --> 01:26:42,147 Lot Five. Smiling Woman in a Chair. 1200 01:26:54,092 --> 01:26:57,796 Sold for 210,000 pounds. 1201 01:27:02,133 --> 01:27:05,570 And now, moving on to Lot Six. 1202 01:27:33,030 --> 01:27:34,844 Oh, dear. 1203 01:27:43,941 --> 01:27:47,896 I would like to humbly and unreservedly offer my deepest... 1204 01:27:51,048 --> 01:27:52,412 Truce? 1205 01:27:57,188 --> 01:28:00,225 Ladies and gentlemen, if you would please remain calm. 1206 01:28:12,804 --> 01:28:16,374 Ladies and gentlemen, if you would please remain in your seats, I would be grateful. 1207 01:28:26,317 --> 01:28:28,827 Where is Mortdecai? 1208 01:28:29,253 --> 01:28:30,822 Well, come on, then. 1209 01:28:54,312 --> 01:28:55,899 God. 1210 01:28:58,182 --> 01:29:01,384 Going on to Lot Seven. 1211 01:29:01,484 --> 01:29:05,591 - Colonel Blucher with Hounds near Twineham. - But quietly. Quietly. 1212 01:29:06,791 --> 01:29:10,094 A lovely Sheridan offered by the Mortdecai estate. 1213 01:29:10,194 --> 01:29:13,742 Shall we start the bidding at 100,000 pounds? 1214 01:29:14,633 --> 01:29:17,068 One hundred thousand pounds. Thank you, Sir Graham. 1215 01:29:18,836 --> 01:29:20,872 Fang wants finger. 1216 01:29:20,972 --> 01:29:24,008 Must go and bid. Must go and bid. Must go and bid. 1217 01:29:26,811 --> 01:29:30,048 Where is Mortdecai? Tell me. 1218 01:29:30,148 --> 01:29:33,151 He's not here, mate. He sent me. 1219 01:29:34,252 --> 01:29:38,022 - Where is he? - It's just me, mate. 1220 01:29:38,122 --> 01:29:39,591 Oh, God! 1221 01:29:40,458 --> 01:29:42,727 Dear, sweet, heroic Jock. 1222 01:29:43,427 --> 01:29:45,663 Two hundred. Very good. Do we have three? 1223 01:29:46,243 --> 01:29:47,265 Three. 1224 01:29:47,365 --> 01:29:50,401 Yes, well, in future, if you could please use your paddles. 1225 01:29:50,601 --> 01:29:53,638 I will take your finger. 1226 01:30:12,457 --> 01:30:17,796 I couldn't help overhearing some discussion about your finger. 1227 01:30:18,096 --> 01:30:20,732 Oh, don't worry about that, sir, I've got nine more. 1228 01:30:24,536 --> 01:30:27,071 I feel simply awful, man, but I must get to the auction. 1229 01:30:27,271 --> 01:30:31,215 - I'll be all right, sir. - We need eight million. 1230 01:30:32,777 --> 01:30:35,880 Now, can we go to 500? 500, ladies and gentlemen. 1231 01:30:35,980 --> 01:30:38,950 There he is. Now don't cause a panic. Just get him. 1232 01:30:39,050 --> 01:30:42,253 Five hundred thousand. Five hundred thousand. 1233 01:30:42,353 --> 01:30:45,590 - Hold. Hold. - Thank you, madam, 500,000. 1234 01:30:45,690 --> 01:30:48,626 Do I have 600? 600,000 pounds, ladies and gentlemen. 1235 01:30:48,726 --> 01:30:50,595 - Bid. - What? 1236 01:30:51,496 --> 01:30:55,533 A bid from Lady Mortdecai, who seems to be bidding on her own painting. 1237 01:30:55,633 --> 01:30:58,836 Just taking the horse for a trot out to London and back, are we? 1238 01:30:58,936 --> 01:31:01,206 - Yeah. - Very well. 600 then. 1239 01:31:01,606 --> 01:31:03,441 I'll make it up to you, Jockie. 1240 01:31:03,541 --> 01:31:05,777 Oh, I know you will, sir. You always do. 1241 01:31:30,134 --> 01:31:31,916 Well done, sir. 1242 01:31:35,139 --> 01:31:38,175 It is a privilege, Jock. 1243 01:31:38,376 --> 01:31:40,779 Are we all done at 900,000? 1244 01:31:41,479 --> 01:31:43,047 Go bid! 1245 01:31:43,447 --> 01:31:47,284 Fair warning at 900,000 pounds... 1246 01:31:47,384 --> 01:31:49,448 from Sir Graham. 1247 01:31:50,154 --> 01:31:52,279 Last chance. 1248 01:31:52,379 --> 01:31:55,093 - And we are... - Darling. 1249 01:31:57,094 --> 01:32:01,799 Yes, Lord Mortdecai? Would you also like to make a bid? 1250 01:32:02,366 --> 01:32:04,302 Ten million pounds. 1251 01:32:04,402 --> 01:32:08,972 Ten million pounds from Lord Mortdecai himself. 1252 01:32:10,842 --> 01:32:12,176 Move! 1253 01:32:12,276 --> 01:32:15,213 Come on! Twenty million, you swine! 1254 01:32:15,313 --> 01:32:16,781 Twenty-five million. 1255 01:32:16,881 --> 01:32:19,984 Twenty-five and a half! 26 and a quarter! 1256 01:32:20,084 --> 01:32:23,154 - Thirty million. Final offer! - Is that our final bid? 1257 01:32:23,254 --> 01:32:27,725 Are we all done at 30 million pounds? 1258 01:32:28,692 --> 01:32:30,513 Sold. 1259 01:32:33,631 --> 01:32:36,868 There you are. 2,642 pounds. 1260 01:32:38,836 --> 01:32:41,118 I do beg your pardon. 1261 01:32:41,218 --> 01:32:43,707 Maths were never my strong suit. 1262 01:32:43,807 --> 01:32:47,179 But there was mention of 30 million, so you take that. 1263 01:32:47,779 --> 01:32:50,815 Less commission, carrying, handling, and transfer taxes, 1264 01:32:50,915 --> 01:32:53,451 left a total of just over eight million pounds. 1265 01:32:53,551 --> 01:32:55,653 Which I am sorry to report has been... 1266 01:32:55,753 --> 01:33:01,842 Garnished by Her Majesty's government in settlement of your tax bill, Charlie. 1267 01:33:02,994 --> 01:33:06,131 Can you think of a good reason why I shouldn't arrest you right now? 1268 01:33:07,431 --> 01:33:08,900 I eschew discomfort? 1269 01:33:10,101 --> 01:33:12,037 Any blame here should fall on me. 1270 01:33:13,137 --> 01:33:15,139 Dear Alastair, 1271 01:33:15,239 --> 01:33:17,308 if I led you to believe there was anything between us, 1272 01:33:17,408 --> 01:33:21,212 it was merely to find out about the case and protect my husband. 1273 01:33:21,312 --> 01:33:22,947 Can you forgive me? 1274 01:33:23,047 --> 01:33:25,114 Of course, Johanna. 1275 01:33:25,833 --> 01:33:27,706 Charlie? 1276 01:33:30,421 --> 01:33:33,506 It was a damned good try, old bean. 1277 01:33:37,862 --> 01:33:40,298 "Of all sad words of tongue or pen, 1278 01:33:40,398 --> 01:33:44,234 "the saddest are these, 'It might have been'." 1279 01:33:44,702 --> 01:33:46,707 Thank you, Maurice. 1280 01:33:56,447 --> 01:34:01,252 Poor Jock. He was frantic with worry. 1281 01:34:01,352 --> 01:34:05,589 But I knew everything would be all right in the end. 1282 01:34:09,193 --> 01:34:11,290 Magnificent. 1283 01:34:13,297 --> 01:34:15,666 Do you think the codes are really there? 1284 01:34:15,766 --> 01:34:20,037 They most certainly are, darling. And I gave them to the authorities. 1285 01:34:20,137 --> 01:34:23,107 Anonymously, of course. 1286 01:34:23,207 --> 01:34:28,246 We may be flat broke, my darling, but we are not desperate. 1287 01:34:28,346 --> 01:34:31,749 I do hope Romanov doesn't come down too hard on Sir Graham, 1288 01:34:31,849 --> 01:34:34,952 when he finds out he bought the wrong fake. 1289 01:34:35,352 --> 01:34:37,206 Lights. 1290 01:34:43,460 --> 01:34:45,897 That is disappointing. 1291 01:34:45,997 --> 01:34:47,899 Very disappointing. 1292 01:34:47,999 --> 01:34:50,443 Open your balls. 1293 01:34:54,471 --> 01:34:55,502 Bollocks. 1294 01:34:56,841 --> 01:34:58,853 Now... 1295 01:34:58,953 --> 01:35:02,554 tell me about that tramp on the horse. 1296 01:35:03,347 --> 01:35:09,787 Oh, my darling, I tried desperately to be unfaithful to you, I really did. 1297 01:35:10,154 --> 01:35:11,923 But I just couldn't do it. 1298 01:35:13,724 --> 01:35:16,060 It's a terrible moment when you find yourself 1299 01:35:16,160 --> 01:35:19,464 falling in love with your own spouse, isn't it? 1300 01:35:19,564 --> 01:35:22,099 Now, that is the look that softens 1301 01:35:22,199 --> 01:35:26,204 every bone in my body, except one. 1302 01:35:28,305 --> 01:35:31,209 Do you mean you are ready? 1303 01:35:32,677 --> 01:35:34,812 I see no obstacle to such a course. 1304 01:35:38,549 --> 01:35:42,787 My love, surely you recall I have already been circumcised. 1305 01:35:47,892 --> 01:35:49,321 Charlie? 1306 01:35:50,294 --> 01:35:53,464 Mrs. Mortdecai, as you well know, 1307 01:35:53,864 --> 01:35:57,901 I am a man of few words. 1308 01:35:59,536 --> 01:36:04,007 I deeply, deeply love... 1309 01:36:04,542 --> 01:36:06,077 my moustache. 1310 01:36:08,479 --> 01:36:11,088 But... I have discovered... 1311 01:36:12,383 --> 01:36:14,889 that I love you... 1312 01:36:15,753 --> 01:36:16,821 more. 1313 01:36:20,124 --> 01:36:21,104 Proceed. 1314 01:36:24,562 --> 01:36:27,631 Would you really do that for me? 1315 01:36:28,132 --> 01:36:30,217 For you, 1316 01:36:30,317 --> 01:36:33,841 there is nothing I would not do. 1317 01:36:37,174 --> 01:36:40,378 Well, in that case, Mr. Mortdecai, 1318 01:36:40,478 --> 01:36:44,249 I should be very pleased if you would keep it. 1319 01:36:45,316 --> 01:36:47,184 Really? 1320 01:36:47,284 --> 01:36:49,287 I mean... 1321 01:36:50,654 --> 01:36:53,257 Oh, darl... 1322 01:36:53,357 --> 01:36:55,826 Your gag reflex. 1323 01:36:55,926 --> 01:36:57,922 Try me. 1324 01:37:08,405 --> 01:37:10,124 Pookie. 1325 01:37:10,224 --> 01:37:13,464 I have never been so... 1326 01:37:39,110 --> 01:37:43,387 Raging again and I'm dressed in trouble 1327 01:37:43,487 --> 01:37:47,398 Lost for a name, but I've met my double 1328 01:37:47,498 --> 01:37:53,787 I'd like to get to know you first, my love 1329 01:37:56,127 --> 01:38:00,302 Spending the days in our tranquil bubble 1330 01:38:00,402 --> 01:38:03,367 Lost in your gaze and I'm dumbstruck 1331 01:38:03,467 --> 01:38:08,176 But you're radiantly beautiful 1332 01:38:08,276 --> 01:38:11,621 My love 1333 01:38:12,247 --> 01:38:15,616 My love 1334 01:38:16,897 --> 01:38:20,269 Johanna 1335 01:38:20,369 --> 01:38:25,335 You're such a pretty picture 1336 01:38:25,435 --> 01:38:28,687 Johanna 1337 01:38:28,787 --> 01:38:32,852 You stole my heart away 1338 01:38:32,952 --> 01:38:37,728 You stole my heart away 1339 01:38:47,315 --> 01:38:51,375 Stealing away in a midnight fever 1340 01:38:51,475 --> 01:38:55,441 Nowhere to go, but I've got to leave her 1341 01:38:55,541 --> 01:39:01,599 I'm ready to apologise, my love 1342 01:39:04,281 --> 01:39:09,263 Counting my fears, but I've got no fingers left 1343 01:39:09,363 --> 01:39:12,540 Through here, all alone with my guilt 1344 01:39:12,640 --> 01:39:19,483 I'm dying to share everything with you 1345 01:39:20,083 --> 01:39:23,562 With you 1346 01:39:24,941 --> 01:39:28,348 Johanna 1347 01:39:28,448 --> 01:39:33,194 You're such a pretty picture 1348 01:39:33,473 --> 01:39:36,656 Johanna 1349 01:39:36,756 --> 01:39:40,766 You stole my heart away 1350 01:39:40,866 --> 01:39:45,870 You stole my heart away 1351 01:39:55,747 --> 01:39:59,758 I've been ruined by the things I've seen 1352 01:39:59,858 --> 01:40:03,972 You've got rhythm but it won't hold me 1353 01:40:04,072 --> 01:40:07,329 I'm not amazed but I'm on my knees 1354 01:40:07,429 --> 01:40:09,469 And I feel 1355 01:40:09,569 --> 01:40:11,639 And I feel 1356 01:40:11,739 --> 01:40:15,074 Johanna 1357 01:40:15,174 --> 01:40:19,763 You're such a pretty picture 1358 01:40:20,194 --> 01:40:23,411 Johanna 1359 01:40:23,511 --> 01:40:28,103 You stole my heart away 1360 01:40:28,794 --> 01:40:32,158 Johanna 1361 01:40:32,258 --> 01:40:36,852 You're such a pretty picture 1362 01:40:37,321 --> 01:40:40,521 Johanna 1363 01:40:40,621 --> 01:40:44,741 You stole my heart away 1364 01:40:44,841 --> 01:40:48,958 You stole my heart away 1365 01:40:49,058 --> 01:40:53,252 You stole my heart away 1366 01:40:53,332 --> 01:40:57,869 You stole my heart away