1 00:00:56,473 --> 00:00:58,692 Once upon a time... 2 00:00:59,810 --> 00:01:02,029 not so long ago... 3 00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,687 Ah! 4 00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:16,405 This is the story of me. 5 00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:18,240 Jack. 6 00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:23,829 There I am, absolutely shitting it. 7 00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:30,841 I'd been carrying a carving knife with me for three weeks 8 00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:34,344 due to an irrational fear of being murdered. 9 00:03:37,426 --> 00:03:39,599 I couldn't sleep at night. 10 00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:43,307 As soon as I got into bed, I started seeing killers. 11 00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:55,239 These killers were the subject of a series of plays 12 00:03:55,444 --> 00:03:59,290 I had been writing for television. 13 00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:02,125 The nature of the project necessitated research 14 00:04:02,325 --> 00:04:04,953 into heinous Victorian criminals. 15 00:04:05,162 --> 00:04:09,133 And I had unwittingly familiarized myself with all the famous hackers, 16 00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:12,381 dosers and severers of the 19th century. 17 00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:17,303 Faces that would've frightened the Ripper. 18 00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:24,223 Many a long night I spent there, 19 00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:27,518 drenched in thoughts of bloody murder. 20 00:04:32,522 --> 00:04:37,653 I became particularly disturbed by a man I called The Hendon Ogre. 21 00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:41,911 A maniac from North London who had boiled the arsenic out of fly papers 22 00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:45,961 and introduced the result into his lodger's broth. 23 00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:48,622 I'd lie awake for hours, thinking of the brute, 24 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:51,542 terrified someone was slipping arsenic into my diet. 25 00:04:53,418 --> 00:04:56,763 In the mornings, I'd inspect grapefruit and milk bottle tops 26 00:04:56,963 --> 00:05:00,888 looking for evidence of interference with syringes. 27 00:05:01,051 --> 00:05:05,602 Trivial events became vital clues in the detection of my assassin. 28 00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:14,273 If the telephone rang at half past four, I'd look at the clock and say, 29 00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:18,987 "it was half past four when the telephone rang that fateful evening. 30 00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:21,200 "How could anyone have known at the time 31 00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:25,038 "how important that telephone call was to become?" 32 00:05:27,118 --> 00:05:30,463 My situation became unbearable. 33 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:34,084 I suspected everyone and everything. 34 00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:37,679 Innocent passersby. 35 00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:40,758 Creeks in the corridor. 36 00:05:41,633 --> 00:05:47,356 Bumps in the night got so bad, I started plugging my head shut. 37 00:05:47,889 --> 00:05:53,362 But I'd soon have to get up and check for killers in the bathroom, 38 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:55,614 in the kitchen... 39 00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:58,613 in the fridge, 40 00:05:58,775 --> 00:06:00,368 or in the hallway, 41 00:06:00,569 --> 00:06:02,742 where they kept a low profile, 42 00:06:02,946 --> 00:06:09,079 crawling about in the shadows, lurking behind creaky doors. 43 00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:15,129 Ah! 44 00:06:15,292 --> 00:06:18,421 Bloody windows, bloody draughts. 45 00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:41,902 Oh, God, come on. 46 00:06:43,695 --> 00:06:45,697 Argh! 47 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:56,417 This fear that I would be murdered all began sometime before. 48 00:06:56,625 --> 00:06:58,969 At lunch, to be exact. 49 00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:01,129 The day I saw my literary agent... 50 00:07:01,338 --> 00:07:03,306 - Newspaper? - .. Clair De Grunwald. 51 00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:05,099 - Thanks. - No problem. 52 00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:11,398 She'd arranged to meet me at a respectable establishment in Soho. 53 00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:14,518 You like newspaper? 54 00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:30,243 - Shall I bring sir the wine list? - Yes. Okay. 55 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,828 Pleasure. 56 00:07:45,674 --> 00:07:48,553 "The body was found in the East End of London, 57 00:07:48,718 --> 00:07:51,722 "but the Hanoi Handshake is the unmistakable calling card 58 00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:54,024 "of a Vietnamese gang killing. 59 00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:58,813 "According to one unnamed police source 60 00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:01,773 "downtown Hackney, also known as Little Vietnam 61 00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:04,952 "is now a bloody jungle... 62 00:08:05,777 --> 00:08:08,826 "of organized crime. 63 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:11,242 "The missing fingers have yet to be found." 64 00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:13,084 Newspaper? 65 00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:25,380 - Whoa, hey, no... - Sir. 66 00:08:25,588 --> 00:08:27,761 - No, it... Please... - Jack? 67 00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:29,889 - Clair. - Under the table already? 68 00:08:30,093 --> 00:08:31,436 It's not even 12:00. 69 00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:33,354 - No, I... - I'm sorry. 70 00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:35,398 I'm afraid I only have an hour. 71 00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:37,646 I've got to go meet Ragsie Lawrence. 72 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:41,071 Remember Ragsie? The dancing dyke? 73 00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:44,241 She's just been made commissioning editor at the BBC. 74 00:08:44,441 --> 00:08:47,035 Can you believe it? 75 00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:51,789 Never underestimate a hunchback, that's what I say. 76 00:08:51,948 --> 00:08:55,669 - Are you staying there all lunch? - No, sorry. 77 00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:59,213 Anyway... 78 00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:06,881 It's good timing. I can tell her how busy you are with your murders. 79 00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,799 - Up to my elbows. - Good. 80 00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:11,927 - Do you have a title? - "Decades of Death". 81 00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:14,429 - Chilling. - Well, if you want murder... 82 00:09:14,596 --> 00:09:16,849 then Victorian Britain is the golden age. 83 00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:20,394 I think murder's lost its sense of theatre. What do we have now? 84 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,109 - It's just like kids... - Mindless violence? 85 00:09:23,313 --> 00:09:27,034 Exactly. Yes. Killers don't put any thought into their murders anymore. 86 00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:30,112 - Have you heard of Long Ear? - Can't say I have, no. 87 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:34,245 Terrifying Polish plumber who hacked off a Frenchman's head. 88 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:38,082 Disposed of the limbs, but couldn't think of what to do with the head. 89 00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:40,747 Eventually he utilized his gas-fired crucible 90 00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:44,134 filled the mouth with lead, slung the thing in the river. 91 00:09:44,292 --> 00:09:46,044 Can you imagine? 92 00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:50,682 I'm sorry, sir. This is a non-smoking restaurant. Thank you. 93 00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:55,353 - Are you ready to order, madam? - Do you know what you're having? 94 00:09:55,678 --> 00:09:57,897 I'll just have a beer. I'm not very hungry. 95 00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:01,102 - One beer. - This is my treat, darling. 96 00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:05,405 Well, then I will have the chicory salad with asparagus croutons, 97 00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:08,779 chorizo and poached egg to start. 98 00:10:08,983 --> 00:10:11,281 Followed by the salmon and leek fish cake 99 00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:15,074 with mushy peas, chips and chive cream. Thank you. Lovely. 100 00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:16,787 People love a good murder. 101 00:10:16,991 --> 00:10:20,621 I began to tell Clair about my good friend Professor Friedkin, 102 00:10:20,829 --> 00:10:24,379 author of an influential paper on the criminal stare, 103 00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:30,055 an ocular condition that instantly identified a madman. 104 00:10:30,213 --> 00:10:32,386 Monsieur? 105 00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:36,011 Jack? 106 00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:39,560 Jack? Jack? 107 00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:45,607 Jack? 108 00:10:46,688 --> 00:10:48,065 - Jack? - Yes. Sorry. 109 00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:49,820 - Are you all right? - Yes. 110 00:10:50,024 --> 00:10:52,868 Yes. I'm sorry. 111 00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:56,201 - What was I talking about? - The book. 112 00:10:56,739 --> 00:11:00,084 - The criminal stare. - Oh, yes, yes. the criminal stare. 113 00:11:00,285 --> 00:11:05,416 Yeah. I found... I've trawled through hundreds of these photographs and... 114 00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:12,381 Um, when you kill someone, when you take a life, 115 00:11:12,547 --> 00:11:17,769 you acquire these awful eyes, you know, like a shark or a chicken. 116 00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:21,477 - How frightful. - But it's not just a horror show. 117 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:24,685 I've realised that's not the reason I have to write this. 118 00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:28,523 No, it's a detective story, you see, about how they become killers. 119 00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:32,451 How do they get there? What fills them with need to victimize and kill? 120 00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:35,494 - Why choose mass murder? - Why not become a writer? 121 00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:38,827 Well, actually, writers and serial killers are very similar. 122 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,534 They're practically brothers. 123 00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:43,499 Hemingway says, “What do you need to become a writer? 124 00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:46,665 "An unhappy childhood." It's the same thing with serial killers. 125 00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:49,209 Whatever happened to the hedgehog? 126 00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:51,673 - What? - He had to cross the road... 127 00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:54,427 and go into the woods, but he was afraid. 128 00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:58,177 - Harold the Hedgehog? - Harold the Hedgehog. 129 00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:02,059 Dear little chap. Whatever happened to that story? 130 00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:04,975 - You never finished him. - He nearly finished me. 131 00:12:05,183 --> 00:12:07,106 He wrecked my marriage, prickly cunt. 132 00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,697 No, he did, Clair. I'm sorry, the stress of it. 133 00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:14,652 Drove Catherine out of my life. What do you wanna talk about him for? 134 00:12:14,817 --> 00:12:18,367 Darling, I'm just thinking you need to earn some money, that's all. 135 00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:20,790 This death thing could take a while. 136 00:12:20,949 --> 00:12:22,872 Timmy the Tortoise can't pay the bills. 137 00:12:23,034 --> 00:12:26,413 I don't want him to. I didn't mean to become a children's author. 138 00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:29,799 - It was a terrible accident. - It was your destiny. 139 00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:34,213 Look, why not rattle off a little bedtime story, mm? 140 00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:37,303 - Timmy goes to the seaside perhaps? - Oh, God. 141 00:12:37,507 --> 00:12:39,350 Or Harold. How did it start? 142 00:12:40,969 --> 00:12:44,314 "Once upon a time, there was a hedgehog called Harold 143 00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:47,942 "Who lived in a bush." 144 00:12:49,852 --> 00:12:52,321 Or Little Johnny Rabbit. 145 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:56,906 The world is dying for another Little Johnny Rabbit. 146 00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,987 Little Johnny Rabbit is dead. 147 00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:01,414 So is Timmy, so is the fucking hedgehog. 148 00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:04,667 They're lying in the road, covered in blood. I killed them. 149 00:13:04,826 --> 00:13:07,045 Tell that to the kids. 150 00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:17,130 Darling, we're going to make this work. 151 00:13:17,338 --> 00:13:20,558 Just try not to worry too much, and take care of yourself. 152 00:13:20,717 --> 00:13:22,685 You know me better than anyone, Clair. 153 00:13:22,885 --> 00:13:27,140 Yes, I do. You're a workaholic and you're sensitive. 154 00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:31,062 I don't wanna see you go over the edge like what's-his-name. 155 00:13:34,689 --> 00:13:37,943 Clair's concerns about me proved justified. 156 00:13:38,109 --> 00:13:42,285 Three weeks on and Long Ear's head was playing on my mind. 157 00:13:44,073 --> 00:13:45,700 Life was hellish, 158 00:13:45,867 --> 00:13:48,620 but it was just about to get a hell of a lot worse. 159 00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:01,140 Come on then, you bastards! 160 00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:05,012 Aaaaaargh! 161 00:14:06,637 --> 00:14:08,639 My knife. 162 00:14:23,112 --> 00:14:25,114 Ah! 163 00:14:56,521 --> 00:14:59,195 You mad bastard. 164 00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:42,821 As evening shadows chase the sun 165 00:15:42,984 --> 00:15:49,412 The night is here, my day is done 166 00:15:49,574 --> 00:15:54,250 Through dark forests in the night 167 00:15:54,412 --> 00:15:57,006 A light is shone 168 00:15:57,165 --> 00:16:01,841 It's you I've found 169 00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:07,879 I see you 170 00:16:14,265 --> 00:16:19,317 I see you 171 00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:31,115 Argh! 172 00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:50,013 Oh, God. 173 00:16:58,768 --> 00:17:00,816 Oh, I got an hour. 174 00:17:08,069 --> 00:17:10,071 The flying eye 175 00:17:11,322 --> 00:17:15,168 Oh, someone's on the loose. 176 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:21,500 It was 5:00 when the telephone rang that fateful evening. 177 00:17:21,666 --> 00:17:23,088 Shit, I could... 178 00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:25,470 We wish you a merry Christmas 179 00:17:25,628 --> 00:17:28,222 We wish you a merry Christmas 180 00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:31,305 We wish you a merry Christmas 181 00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:33,720 - And a Happy New Year... - Hello? 182 00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:35,229 Happy Christmas. 183 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,265 Happy Christmas. 184 00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:41,694 - What do you want? - We're singing carols. 185 00:17:41,852 --> 00:17:44,071 Yeah, I can see that. 186 00:17:44,230 --> 00:17:47,074 Well, ain't you gonna come out and hear us then, bruv? 187 00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:50,783 No, I can hear you perfectly well from up here. Thank you. 188 00:17:50,945 --> 00:17:54,119 We've been out for ages and no one's given us nuffink yet. 189 00:17:54,282 --> 00:17:58,253 Well, honestly, I think you should perhaps work on your repertoire. 190 00:17:59,787 --> 00:18:02,916 - Our what? - Sorry I can't help you. Good night. 191 00:18:03,124 --> 00:18:04,967 But it's for Save the Children. 192 00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:08,922 Kids who ain't got no food, Nintendo or nothing, bruv. 193 00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:13,309 We won't go until we got some We won't go until we got some 194 00:18:13,509 --> 00:18:15,352 We won't go until we got some 195 00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:17,263 All right, all right. Wait there. 196 00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,774 - I'm coming down. - Yes. 197 00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:31,368 You gonna open up this door, then, or what, bruv? 198 00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:35,114 Um, I tell you what I'm gonna do. 199 00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:37,784 I'm gonna put some loose change into this sock 200 00:18:37,992 --> 00:18:41,838 and then I'm gonna feed it through the letter box. 201 00:18:43,331 --> 00:18:46,301 - Did you get that? - Is it clean? 202 00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:48,878 - Is it what? - Is it clean? 203 00:18:49,086 --> 00:18:50,633 Is the sock clean, bruv? 204 00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:54,308 Well, it's not box fresh, if that's what you mean. 205 00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:56,476 Do you want this money or not? 206 00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:00,647 Oh, God. 207 00:19:01,015 --> 00:19:02,358 Who are you? 208 00:19:02,558 --> 00:19:04,401 - You there? - Yes. Yes. 209 00:19:04,602 --> 00:19:08,197 I just... Stand back, okay? Stand back. 210 00:19:10,274 --> 00:19:12,652 Christ, can't you see I'm not in? 211 00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:15,326 Er... 212 00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:18,287 Okay. Get ready. 213 00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:20,789 I'm opening my flap. 214 00:19:22,912 --> 00:19:25,256 Here it comes. Gently does it. 215 00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:27,424 Gently. 216 00:19:27,583 --> 00:19:30,928 God in heaven, will you just fuck off and give me some peace? 217 00:19:31,087 --> 00:19:34,591 Hey, wait. Just come back! 218 00:19:34,757 --> 00:19:38,182 Oi! What about my sock? You little thieving, you... 219 00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:43,357 You... you did this. 220 00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:45,902 You wanna hear my voice, you sick fuck? 221 00:19:46,060 --> 00:19:48,108 Hear this. 222 00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:51,274 - Hello? - Jack, it's Clair. 223 00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:52,987 Hello? 224 00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:55,115 - Jack, it's Clair. - Clair. 225 00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:58,573 Why haven't you been answering? I've been calling for hours. 226 00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:01,618 - I thought you were a wrong number. - Well, listen. 227 00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:06,332 I've just had a very excited man on the phone. 228 00:20:06,497 --> 00:20:09,341 - Have you? - Yes. He's read your treatment... 229 00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:13,505 for "Decades of Death" and he's very excited by your ideas. 230 00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:16,307 He wants to meet you tonight at eight o'clock. 231 00:20:16,465 --> 00:20:18,092 Oh. 232 00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:21,308 - I see. Eight o'clock? - He's off to New York tomorrow. 233 00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:25,100 - It's imperative you see him. - Why is it imperative? 234 00:20:25,266 --> 00:20:27,519 Because he's Harvey Humphries. 235 00:20:27,685 --> 00:20:30,780 - Harvey Humphries? Who's he? - Head of scripts. 236 00:20:31,689 --> 00:20:35,034 Clair, look, can I see him when he comes back from New York? 237 00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,828 Because I've not been sleeping very well and... 238 00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:42,117 Jack, he's genuinely excited. The arrangements have all been made. 239 00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:45,287 Tonight, eight o'clock, 100 Humbolt Mews. 240 00:20:47,121 --> 00:20:50,921 100 Humbolt Mews, eight... 241 00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:54,257 - That's in one hour and 47 minutes. - Wear a suit, please. 242 00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:56,673 - I don't have any suits. - Wear a clean shirt. 243 00:20:56,839 --> 00:20:59,467 They're all dirty. I'm down to my last sock. 244 00:20:59,675 --> 00:21:02,428 Then you'll have to go to the launderette, won't you? 245 00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:05,389 What? A launderette? Are you serious? 246 00:21:05,556 --> 00:21:07,229 I am. What's the problem? 247 00:21:07,391 --> 00:21:11,988 It's just... You're asking a lot, Clair, okay? 248 00:21:12,146 --> 00:21:15,275 I don't do launderettes. Never have done, never will. 249 00:21:15,441 --> 00:21:17,114 It's no place for a man like me. 250 00:21:17,318 --> 00:21:20,538 Exposing your most intimate articles in front of strangers. 251 00:21:20,696 --> 00:21:24,917 - Stop it, you're being ridiculous. - You know me, Clair. I'm sensitive. 252 00:21:25,075 --> 00:21:28,420 - I've never even bought toilet roll. - All right, enough. 253 00:21:29,413 --> 00:21:33,043 Jack, I've worked very hard getting your script to the right people 254 00:21:33,209 --> 00:21:36,088 and I'm afraid there's no interest. 255 00:21:36,253 --> 00:21:40,383 I said nothing because I didn't want to disturb you. That's the reality. 256 00:21:40,549 --> 00:21:42,222 I can't see any other options. 257 00:21:42,384 --> 00:21:44,978 It's Humphries or bust. 258 00:21:47,056 --> 00:21:49,980 - I understand. - Good. 259 00:21:50,142 --> 00:21:52,440 Call and let me know how it goes, darling. 260 00:22:03,155 --> 00:22:09,538 And so it was that I first came to hear the name Harvey Humphries. 261 00:22:09,745 --> 00:22:12,749 I had sat in every head of scripts department in London, 262 00:22:12,915 --> 00:22:16,089 listening to these twats full of white wine and arugula, 263 00:22:16,252 --> 00:22:18,300 but I had never heard of this man. 264 00:22:18,504 --> 00:22:21,758 "Harvey Humphries of Humbolt Mews." 265 00:22:21,966 --> 00:22:24,219 I didn't like the sound of it. 266 00:22:24,385 --> 00:22:28,435 The name seemed innocent enough, but there was something that jarred. 267 00:22:28,639 --> 00:22:32,394 It might be the "Harvey Humphries Humbolt" bit that was worrying me. 268 00:22:32,601 --> 00:22:35,354 But I had a friend, Garry Gordon in Garrick Street. 269 00:22:35,563 --> 00:22:37,565 And he'd never caused me any problem. 270 00:22:37,773 --> 00:22:39,366 No. 271 00:22:39,775 --> 00:22:42,949 It was something stronger than just a repetition of the H. 272 00:22:43,112 --> 00:22:46,207 It was more a sensation of having heard Harvey Humphries 273 00:22:46,407 --> 00:22:50,037 in some unsavory context. 274 00:22:51,871 --> 00:22:53,214 Harvey. 275 00:22:54,748 --> 00:22:57,092 It was the Harvey. 276 00:23:06,510 --> 00:23:10,640 Harvey was the middle name of Dr. Hawley Harvey Crippen, 277 00:23:10,848 --> 00:23:13,567 the Yank Who'd spent all night in the basement 278 00:23:13,767 --> 00:23:18,568 of 39 Hilldrop Crescent, N5 separating his wife. 279 00:23:19,064 --> 00:23:21,442 He'd done her in lime. 280 00:23:22,109 --> 00:23:23,736 Crippen had come from America. 281 00:23:23,944 --> 00:23:26,447 Humphries was going to America within hours 282 00:23:26,614 --> 00:23:28,582 of completing his business with me. 283 00:23:29,909 --> 00:23:32,253 Was Humphries related to Crippen? 284 00:23:32,453 --> 00:23:36,503 Far-fetched as it might seem to others, it was not impossible. 285 00:23:36,707 --> 00:23:39,176 Crippen was an American. Yes. 286 00:23:39,376 --> 00:23:40,753 And so was Humphries. 287 00:23:40,961 --> 00:23:44,591 Surely it was more than a coincidence that a man going to America 288 00:23:44,798 --> 00:23:47,722 should be excited by a title like "Decades of Death" 289 00:23:47,927 --> 00:23:52,728 and have the middle name of one of the most famous killers of the lot. 290 00:23:55,100 --> 00:23:56,977 No. 291 00:23:57,895 --> 00:23:59,363 No, no, no. 292 00:23:59,563 --> 00:24:04,410 Facts like that are beyond the realm of coincidence. 293 00:24:28,509 --> 00:24:31,103 Hello? Who's there? 294 00:24:31,261 --> 00:24:33,263 Speak up, I can't hear you. 295 00:24:35,599 --> 00:24:38,273 Oh, no. Clair's not here just now. 296 00:24:38,477 --> 00:24:41,151 This is Irene. 297 00:24:41,313 --> 00:24:42,690 You want what? 298 00:24:42,898 --> 00:24:46,198 Harvey Humphries. Do you know of a man called Harvey Humphries? 299 00:24:46,402 --> 00:24:48,575 Think carefully before you answer, please. 300 00:24:48,779 --> 00:24:53,751 - A man's life may be at stake. - Oh, I'll have to think about this. 301 00:24:53,909 --> 00:24:56,708 Er, hold on a minute, love. Now... 302 00:24:56,870 --> 00:24:59,669 Can you tell her to call Jack back regarding Harvey? 303 00:24:59,832 --> 00:25:01,960 Tell her it's a matter of life and death. 304 00:25:02,126 --> 00:25:04,470 - Life and death? - Yes. Tell her that exactly. 305 00:25:04,628 --> 00:25:07,131 - Thank you. - Right. Will do, dear. 306 00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:09,341 Okay, okay. Be rational, be rational. 307 00:25:09,550 --> 00:25:13,225 Clair was not in her office, so she must've telephoned you from home. 308 00:25:13,429 --> 00:25:15,648 But as you don't have her private number 309 00:25:15,848 --> 00:25:19,273 and she's ex-directory, there's no way you can call her back. 310 00:25:19,435 --> 00:25:22,564 I have to trust it was Clair, and that she meant no malice. 311 00:25:22,771 --> 00:25:25,399 After all, she has no reason to wish me any harm. 312 00:25:25,566 --> 00:25:29,821 She had no way of knowing a man related to a murderer. 313 00:25:29,987 --> 00:25:33,332 Only a highly suspicious, paranoid cynic... 314 00:25:33,532 --> 00:25:36,832 Or someone like me, with an eye for clues and patterns 315 00:25:37,036 --> 00:25:38,879 could possibly connect the dots. 316 00:25:39,079 --> 00:25:42,959 Could see the truth staring him in the face. 317 00:25:43,167 --> 00:25:47,217 That Harvey Humphries is in fact Hawley Harvey Crippen's grandson. 318 00:25:47,379 --> 00:25:49,131 No more questions, Your Honor. 319 00:25:49,298 --> 00:25:51,517 Ah! 320 00:25:55,971 --> 00:25:57,644 Right. That does it. 321 00:25:57,848 --> 00:26:00,271 Where's the superglue? 322 00:26:00,476 --> 00:26:03,730 Right. You've done nothing but terrorise me for weeks. 323 00:26:03,937 --> 00:26:05,905 And I've had enough. I've had enough. 324 00:26:06,065 --> 00:26:08,568 Take that, and that, and that, and that. 325 00:26:08,776 --> 00:26:12,622 Take that, take this, take this. 326 00:26:14,698 --> 00:26:17,372 Take that. You didn't expect that, did you? 327 00:26:17,576 --> 00:26:20,750 Well, expect the unexpected, mate. 328 00:26:28,378 --> 00:26:30,380 God, that's quick. 329 00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:47,940 Hello? Anyone home? 330 00:26:50,067 --> 00:26:52,069 Yes? Hello? 331 00:26:52,236 --> 00:26:54,989 Are you the gentleman in Flat 3? 332 00:26:55,197 --> 00:26:56,540 Who is this? 333 00:26:56,740 --> 00:27:00,290 Community Support Police Officer Perkins, sir. 334 00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:03,248 Good evening. How can I help you? 335 00:27:03,413 --> 00:27:06,713 Oh, no cause for alarm. Just a routine call, sir. 336 00:27:06,875 --> 00:27:12,632 Some of the kids over on the estate said you might be in some distress. 337 00:27:16,510 --> 00:27:18,262 How interesting. 338 00:27:18,428 --> 00:27:21,853 And what might I be distressed about? 339 00:27:22,057 --> 00:27:23,980 Well, I have no idea, sir. 340 00:27:24,184 --> 00:27:26,562 Are you in any distress? 341 00:27:26,728 --> 00:27:30,107 No, I'm fine. I'm about to do some washing and then go to bed. 342 00:27:30,274 --> 00:27:32,493 Oh, well. Just so you know, 343 00:27:32,693 --> 00:27:36,573 we're out on the beat if you ever need assistance. 344 00:27:36,738 --> 00:27:38,991 I'm just across the road. 345 00:27:41,994 --> 00:27:43,337 Jesus Christ. 346 00:27:43,537 --> 00:27:47,041 Sorry, sir, sorry. Sorry. I was just checking you were... 347 00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:49,585 Yeah, well, I'm very sorry to bother you, sir. 348 00:27:49,793 --> 00:27:52,512 Er, I'll let you get back to your laundry. 349 00:27:53,755 --> 00:27:56,178 Policeman, my ass. 350 00:27:57,092 --> 00:27:59,094 He was looking for something. 351 00:27:59,887 --> 00:28:01,855 What was he up to? 352 00:28:02,556 --> 00:28:03,933 Jesus, nowhere's safe. 353 00:28:04,641 --> 00:28:08,612 Okay, Humphries, you want my script? You can have it. 354 00:28:08,812 --> 00:28:11,190 If it means I finally get paid decent money 355 00:28:11,356 --> 00:28:13,734 and get out of Hackney, you're on. 356 00:28:13,901 --> 00:28:16,120 Right. Where's my wardrobe? 357 00:28:16,278 --> 00:28:19,248 I'll show you, Clair, I'll show you, Catherine, 358 00:28:19,406 --> 00:28:21,784 exactly what I am capable of. Oh! 359 00:28:21,950 --> 00:28:24,453 Jesus Christ. 360 00:28:26,288 --> 00:28:30,714 God. These aren't clothes, this is refuse. 361 00:28:30,876 --> 00:28:34,005 I might as well take it and dig it in around the roses. 362 00:28:34,796 --> 00:28:38,096 I'd do anything for a break right now, but not the launderette. 363 00:28:38,258 --> 00:28:41,262 Not for Humphries, not for any other man. 364 00:28:41,470 --> 00:28:45,441 Why should I? I've got everything I need here. 365 00:28:45,641 --> 00:28:49,441 I've got water, I've got soap, I've got drying facilities. 366 00:28:49,645 --> 00:28:51,067 I can do this, Jack. 367 00:28:51,271 --> 00:28:54,571 No more sleepless nights, no more scuttling around in the dark. 368 00:28:54,733 --> 00:28:57,953 We'll meet this monster head-on. Well-armed and well-dressed. 369 00:28:59,071 --> 00:29:03,042 A quick thrash in the tub for you, my lovelies, then into the drier. 370 00:29:04,409 --> 00:29:07,834 Right. A good 15 minutes on regular nine for the socks, 371 00:29:08,038 --> 00:29:11,588 five minutes less for the pants, and we'll play the shirt by ear. 372 00:29:11,750 --> 00:29:13,297 Now, that's cooking with gas. 373 00:29:22,302 --> 00:29:26,227 Here's how to play it. When you get to the meeting, refuse to sit down. 374 00:29:26,431 --> 00:29:29,560 Refuse all drinks and cigarettes. Certainly all food. 375 00:29:29,768 --> 00:29:31,520 The meeting will be standing up. 376 00:29:31,728 --> 00:29:34,902 And if he leaves the room to make a call, you go with him. 377 00:29:42,447 --> 00:29:44,324 I'll have a pretext for everything. 378 00:29:44,533 --> 00:29:49,164 I could take an apple or an onion into the meeting. 379 00:29:49,371 --> 00:29:50,714 Yeah, that'd work. 380 00:29:50,914 --> 00:29:54,964 I could use it as a circumstance to show him my carving knife. 381 00:29:58,297 --> 00:30:00,516 Ah! Ah! 382 00:30:00,674 --> 00:30:02,893 Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! 383 00:30:03,051 --> 00:30:05,053 Argh! 384 00:30:27,826 --> 00:30:30,875 Come on. Come on, come on. 385 00:30:36,043 --> 00:30:37,761 AOW! 386 00:30:37,919 --> 00:30:40,217 Fuck. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? 387 00:30:40,422 --> 00:30:43,016 Cut my fucking hand off? 388 00:30:46,803 --> 00:30:48,476 That's correct, officer. 389 00:30:48,638 --> 00:30:52,142 When I saw the knife, I simply defended myself with the ice pick. 390 00:30:52,309 --> 00:30:55,563 I have no idea how the pick got stuck in the back of his neck. 391 00:30:55,729 --> 00:31:00,030 I put him in the bathtub because the blood was staining my Persian carpet. 392 00:31:00,192 --> 00:31:02,194 Oh! 393 00:31:09,659 --> 00:31:11,252 Argh! 394 00:31:11,411 --> 00:31:14,790 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! 395 00:31:14,956 --> 00:31:16,458 Oh! Oh! 396 00:31:31,765 --> 00:31:35,110 I'm not dead yet, you bastards. 397 00:31:38,605 --> 00:31:41,279 Come on, Jack, we can still do this. 398 00:31:41,441 --> 00:31:43,239 Against the odds, we can beat them. 399 00:31:43,402 --> 00:31:46,702 Now, as I remember, this thing has some seriously deep pockets. 400 00:31:46,863 --> 00:31:49,867 Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I can hide a knife in there. 401 00:31:50,075 --> 00:31:51,918 That's like Loch Ness in there. 402 00:31:52,119 --> 00:31:55,123 You could hide a whole submarine in there if you wanna. 403 00:31:55,288 --> 00:31:58,007 I'll just keep my coat on. My hand on my ha'penny. 404 00:31:58,208 --> 00:32:01,132 Okay, don't let this guy psyche you out, all right? 405 00:32:01,336 --> 00:32:03,384 You're a writer, Jack, remember? 406 00:32:03,547 --> 00:32:08,474 You can just outwit this two-bit Hollywood gangster. 407 00:32:08,635 --> 00:32:10,057 Gangster? 408 00:32:11,138 --> 00:32:14,768 Say she didn't throw it away. Please, please, please. 409 00:32:14,933 --> 00:32:17,652 Be in here. Be in here, be in here. 410 00:32:17,811 --> 00:32:20,155 Where are you? Where are you? 411 00:32:22,274 --> 00:32:26,745 "Uzilicious". My definitive gangsta rap compilation. 412 00:32:26,945 --> 00:32:29,289 Yeah, yeah. 413 00:32:29,614 --> 00:32:33,084 I remember I wooed Catherine with this shit. 414 00:32:33,243 --> 00:32:35,211 Hope it still works. 415 00:32:38,039 --> 00:32:39,882 Ass, tits, cunt, fuck, motherfucker... 416 00:32:40,041 --> 00:32:43,261 Good times, old friend. Good times. 417 00:32:43,420 --> 00:32:47,641 If you can get me through college, you can get me through anything. 418 00:32:58,185 --> 00:33:00,688 I drop a old-school beat. 419 00:33:06,109 --> 00:33:08,487 Yeah, yeah. 420 00:33:08,778 --> 00:33:10,997 Yeah, you wanna read my script, bitch? 421 00:33:11,198 --> 00:33:14,042 You wanna polish my script? You wanna polish my script? 422 00:33:14,201 --> 00:33:15,669 Is that what you're saying? 423 00:33:15,827 --> 00:33:18,546 What's up, bitch? You wanna polish my script? 424 00:33:18,747 --> 00:33:21,717 Oh, sure. Polish this, motherfucker. 425 00:33:28,840 --> 00:33:31,059 I'm gonna step up to a man called Humphries 426 00:33:31,218 --> 00:33:33,266 Wipe that shit up just like cream cheese 427 00:33:33,428 --> 00:33:35,681 Up all night, y'all, workin' the mic, y'all 428 00:33:35,889 --> 00:33:38,392 Smoking my pipe, y'all, motherfucker 429 00:33:38,558 --> 00:33:40,560 Catherine, this jam goes out to you. 430 00:33:40,727 --> 00:33:42,400 It's real, true dat from the heart. 431 00:33:42,604 --> 00:33:44,606 I just wanna say you're my girl. 432 00:33:44,814 --> 00:33:46,441 - Shut up. - And I love you. 433 00:33:46,608 --> 00:33:48,030 Fuck. 434 00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:55,121 Who are you trying to fool, Jack? You're not a G-man, you're a tit. 435 00:33:59,204 --> 00:34:01,957 What's that smell? 436 00:34:02,123 --> 00:34:05,844 Smells like burning garbage. 437 00:34:10,882 --> 00:34:13,476 No! Not the socks! Not the socks! 438 00:34:15,595 --> 00:34:17,814 Argh! Damn it! 439 00:34:19,641 --> 00:34:21,860 Oh! 440 00:34:22,018 --> 00:34:25,067 Oh! Oh, my eyes! 441 00:34:29,985 --> 00:34:31,612 Ah, ah. 442 00:34:31,778 --> 00:34:34,156 Oh, God, the pants have gone up. 443 00:34:35,865 --> 00:34:39,335 And you'll have to go to the launderette, won't you? 444 00:34:40,579 --> 00:34:43,128 - A launderette, are you serious? - Of course I am. 445 00:34:43,331 --> 00:34:45,959 You'll have to go to the launderette, won't you? 446 00:34:46,126 --> 00:34:48,504 You'll have to go to the launderette. 447 00:34:48,670 --> 00:34:50,138 Argh! 448 00:34:58,471 --> 00:35:01,224 Okay, let's cut the cake. 449 00:35:01,391 --> 00:35:04,395 Dad, can you answer that? It's Mr. Goofy. He's lost. 450 00:35:04,561 --> 00:35:07,610 Mr. Goofy is on my office line? 451 00:35:08,440 --> 00:35:09,908 Right, here we go. 452 00:35:13,361 --> 00:35:15,113 Hello. This is Dr. Friedkin. 453 00:35:15,322 --> 00:35:17,370 You've got to help me, Dr. Friedkin. 454 00:35:17,532 --> 00:35:19,034 Jack? Is this Jack? 455 00:35:19,242 --> 00:35:23,748 I can't take it anymore. I'm gonna buckle, I swear to God. 456 00:35:23,913 --> 00:35:27,008 Well, it's my grandson's birthday. 457 00:35:29,419 --> 00:35:31,638 A phobia of launderettes? 458 00:35:31,838 --> 00:35:33,715 Oh, Jack. That's a new one to me. 459 00:35:33,923 --> 00:35:36,392 Wait, I'm confused. Which case study is this? 460 00:35:36,593 --> 00:35:39,938 It's not a case, Dr. Friedkin. It's me. 461 00:35:40,138 --> 00:35:42,015 I'm the problem. It's me. 462 00:35:42,223 --> 00:35:46,729 Okay, okay, calm down. Just calm yourself. 463 00:35:46,936 --> 00:35:52,067 Jack, I want you to take a deep breath. 464 00:35:52,275 --> 00:35:54,027 Now, inhale... 465 00:35:55,737 --> 00:35:58,786 and exhale. That's right. 466 00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:03,170 Fill your entire body. 467 00:36:03,370 --> 00:36:08,672 Imagine every cell being rinsed clean with life-giving oxygen. 468 00:36:09,250 --> 00:36:13,096 Do you have any clues where the origin of this phobia lies? 469 00:36:13,254 --> 00:36:15,507 I've had it all my life. 470 00:36:16,675 --> 00:36:19,144 I've tried to get on top of it. 471 00:36:19,969 --> 00:36:22,347 I went to a washhouse when I was at college, 472 00:36:22,514 --> 00:36:24,437 but I was just so terrified, 473 00:36:24,599 --> 00:36:26,897 I accidentally trapped my load in an OOO. 474 00:36:28,144 --> 00:36:29,646 An OOO? 475 00:36:29,854 --> 00:36:33,199 Yes. An out of order machine. 476 00:36:33,400 --> 00:36:38,497 I was in there with about six months' of unimaginably sensitive material. 477 00:36:38,655 --> 00:36:41,124 The room gathered round, engineers were called. 478 00:36:41,324 --> 00:36:44,077 - It was a nightmare. - No. I sympathize with you. 479 00:36:44,285 --> 00:36:46,788 As unpleasant as the experience may have been 480 00:36:46,996 --> 00:36:50,796 it cannot have been traumatic enough to create such a phobia. 481 00:36:51,793 --> 00:36:54,012 It's ruining my life. 482 00:36:54,170 --> 00:36:57,140 Look, I can help you, but you must be completely honest. 483 00:36:57,340 --> 00:36:58,683 And you must trust me. 484 00:36:59,676 --> 00:37:01,678 Close your eyes. 485 00:37:03,054 --> 00:37:05,728 I want you to take another deep breath 486 00:37:05,932 --> 00:37:09,357 and imagine you are sitting here with me now in my office 487 00:37:09,561 --> 00:37:12,064 having a consultation. 488 00:37:13,940 --> 00:37:16,489 Think of my office like a space capsule. 489 00:37:16,693 --> 00:37:19,572 From here, we can go anywhere in the universe, 490 00:37:19,779 --> 00:37:24,706 in space and time, by the power of our mind. 491 00:37:24,909 --> 00:37:28,959 To your childhood, to your dreams. 492 00:37:31,791 --> 00:37:35,421 Can you see the little hedgehog? 493 00:37:35,837 --> 00:37:40,058 Frightened little hedgehog lives in an old hedgerow 494 00:37:40,258 --> 00:37:42,681 by the church. Can you see the spider? 495 00:37:42,886 --> 00:37:46,481 Clever spider. Waiting in the shadows. 496 00:37:46,681 --> 00:37:49,525 And Mrs. Ladybird? And Mr. Rabbit? 497 00:37:49,726 --> 00:37:53,276 How about old farmer...? 498 00:38:05,366 --> 00:38:08,165 Did you have a happy childhood? 499 00:38:10,955 --> 00:38:14,050 - What is your earliest memory? - The orphanage on fire. 500 00:38:15,543 --> 00:38:18,171 - You're being facetious. - No, I'm not, really. 501 00:38:18,338 --> 00:38:21,808 The orphanage I was in caught fire. November the 5th, 1979. 502 00:38:22,008 --> 00:38:24,557 Somebody let off a Roman candle in the dormitory. 503 00:38:24,761 --> 00:38:26,513 Luckily no one was hurt. 504 00:38:26,679 --> 00:38:29,478 You're an orphan? I'm sorry, I didn't... 505 00:38:29,682 --> 00:38:32,856 My mother abandoned me when I was 5 years old. 506 00:38:33,478 --> 00:38:36,527 She just packed a little suitcase for me one day 507 00:38:36,815 --> 00:38:38,488 and disappeared. 508 00:38:41,110 --> 00:38:43,488 How did it happen, Jack? 509 00:38:44,906 --> 00:38:48,627 - It's all right to feel vulnerable. - These pyjamas aren't helping. 510 00:38:49,994 --> 00:38:51,462 Try, Jack. 511 00:38:52,121 --> 00:38:54,965 Try to go back. 512 00:38:55,458 --> 00:38:59,508 The only memory I have of my mother is of a book she gave me. 513 00:38:59,712 --> 00:39:04,468 Fairy tales I suppose you call them. With these awful talking rodents. 514 00:39:04,676 --> 00:39:07,099 Look, truth is it doesn't bother me. 515 00:39:07,303 --> 00:39:10,056 I don't miss my mother because I don't remember her. 516 00:39:10,265 --> 00:39:14,236 I just... I'm sick of these irrational fears. 517 00:39:14,394 --> 00:39:17,898 Like the bloody launderette. It's stopping me from living my life. 518 00:39:18,064 --> 00:39:22,444 Well, you can do something about it. You're not a child anymore. 519 00:39:22,652 --> 00:39:25,656 I once treated a girl who had a phobia of bananas. 520 00:39:26,281 --> 00:39:29,455 When this girl came to me, she was so pleased with herself. 521 00:39:29,659 --> 00:39:31,832 She'd been able to overcome her phobia 522 00:39:31,995 --> 00:39:36,000 to the extent that she could sit in the same room as a closed banana. 523 00:39:36,165 --> 00:39:40,671 It had to stay closed, unzipped, or else she'd go completely psychotic. 524 00:39:40,837 --> 00:39:44,387 But the point is, open or closed, she had not made the connection 525 00:39:44,591 --> 00:39:46,639 between her phobia and her fear. 526 00:39:47,552 --> 00:39:50,556 - Of bananas? - No. It was something else. 527 00:39:50,763 --> 00:39:54,017 A past trauma. Something more threatening than a mere banana. 528 00:39:54,225 --> 00:39:56,523 Do you understand? It's like a movie screen. 529 00:39:56,728 --> 00:39:59,322 She projected her fear onto the banana 530 00:39:59,522 --> 00:40:02,901 because looking directly at her trauma was too terrifying. 531 00:40:03,109 --> 00:40:04,611 It was a projection. 532 00:40:04,819 --> 00:40:07,538 - Onto a piece of fruit? - Exactly. 533 00:40:07,739 --> 00:40:10,868 Her banana's no different to your launderette. 534 00:40:13,536 --> 00:40:16,585 I also have a recurring nightmare about an eyeball. 535 00:40:18,416 --> 00:40:21,386 - What sort of eyeball? - The giant, floating kind. 536 00:40:21,586 --> 00:40:24,635 Sort of eye of death, watching me. 537 00:40:24,839 --> 00:40:28,810 All fears and neurosis can be traced back to our early childhood. 538 00:40:29,010 --> 00:40:34,642 To the first terrifying recognition that we are alone in the world. 539 00:40:34,849 --> 00:40:37,773 When a child is abandoned, it has no concept of time. 540 00:40:37,977 --> 00:40:40,321 No understanding that things can get better. 541 00:40:40,521 --> 00:40:45,778 That there is hope. For a child, Jack, mother equals life. 542 00:40:45,985 --> 00:40:47,487 Take away the mother 543 00:40:47,695 --> 00:40:52,292 and the child is literally swallowed by death. 544 00:40:54,410 --> 00:40:56,629 But I didn't die, did I? 545 00:40:56,788 --> 00:40:59,462 No. You lived. 546 00:40:59,666 --> 00:41:02,260 To experience your own death. 547 00:41:06,965 --> 00:41:09,559 That's some scary shit, Dr. Friedkin. 548 00:41:09,759 --> 00:41:13,138 It's the primal trauma we are all trying to forget. 549 00:41:14,013 --> 00:41:15,890 To bury in our subconscious. 550 00:41:16,099 --> 00:41:20,900 But it inevitably finds expression either in dreams or fears 551 00:41:21,104 --> 00:41:23,527 or infantile fantasies. 552 00:41:23,731 --> 00:41:26,610 Dad? How much longer are you gonna be in there? 553 00:41:26,776 --> 00:41:31,748 Just finishing up, sweet pea. I'm sorry, Jack. We have to end now. 554 00:41:31,948 --> 00:41:34,497 I don't know how to thank you, Dr. Friedkin. 555 00:41:38,037 --> 00:41:42,213 Perhaps as a teenager, you were subliminally drawn to that OOO, 556 00:41:42,375 --> 00:41:45,094 because somewhere deep in your subconscious, 557 00:41:45,294 --> 00:41:48,013 you recognised that you, too, are out of order. 558 00:41:48,214 --> 00:41:50,216 Broken. You don't work anymore. 559 00:41:50,591 --> 00:41:53,060 The primary defence mechanisms you relied on 560 00:41:53,261 --> 00:41:56,731 to get you through childhood no longer support you as an adult. 561 00:41:56,931 --> 00:41:58,524 I'm sorry. 562 00:41:59,058 --> 00:42:01,652 You're fucked up, Jack. You need therapy. 563 00:42:01,853 --> 00:42:03,901 I haven't got time. I've got a meeting. 564 00:42:04,105 --> 00:42:05,982 Return to the scene of the crime 565 00:42:06,149 --> 00:42:09,494 and retrieve those unwashed articles locked in the machine. 566 00:42:09,694 --> 00:42:12,038 Release your raw, true, inner self. 567 00:42:12,405 --> 00:42:15,784 Begin a new life, free from fear. 568 00:42:16,367 --> 00:42:18,290 Fear of death. 569 00:42:23,750 --> 00:42:28,256 The irony is we must all journey through Hades 570 00:42:28,463 --> 00:42:30,591 before we can reach our heaven. 571 00:42:32,133 --> 00:42:38,106 Dr. Friedkin, I think it's time I faced my banana. 572 00:42:50,943 --> 00:42:54,288 Ooh! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! 573 00:43:10,213 --> 00:43:12,386 Oh. Oh. 574 00:43:17,345 --> 00:43:19,973 It's step-up time, yo, motherfucker. 575 00:43:21,891 --> 00:43:24,019 Goddamn, it's a brand new payback 576 00:43:24,185 --> 00:43:26,859 From the straight gangsta mack in straight gangsta black 577 00:43:27,021 --> 00:43:29,023 How many motherfuckers gotta pay 578 00:43:29,190 --> 00:43:31,409 Went to the shelf and dusted off the AK 579 00:43:31,567 --> 00:43:33,160 Caps gotta get peeled 580 00:43:33,319 --> 00:43:36,163 'Cause the nigga you love to hate still can kill at will 581 00:43:36,322 --> 00:43:38,165 It ain't no pop 'cause that sucks 582 00:43:38,324 --> 00:43:40,702 And you can new Jack swing on my nuts 583 00:43:40,868 --> 00:43:42,666 Fuck R 'n' B and the running man 584 00:43:42,829 --> 00:43:45,048 I'm the one that stand with the gun in hand 585 00:43:45,206 --> 00:43:47,083 Make sure before you buck with duck quick 586 00:43:47,250 --> 00:43:51,096 Punk, 'cause I'm the wrong nigger to fuck with, fuck with 587 00:43:58,094 --> 00:44:00,313 Hell, yes, it's on, you better tell them 588 00:44:00,471 --> 00:44:03,190 Ice Cube and I'm rolling with the motherfuckin' LM 589 00:44:03,349 --> 00:44:05,351 It's the number one crew in the area 590 00:44:05,518 --> 00:44:07,896 Make a move for your gat and I'll bury you 591 00:44:08,062 --> 00:44:09,905 Ashes to ashes, dirt to dirt 592 00:44:10,064 --> 00:44:11,737 Punks roll when I put in work 593 00:44:11,899 --> 00:44:14,027 'Cause Lench mob niggas are the craziest 594 00:44:14,193 --> 00:44:15,991 And y'all motherfuckers can't fade my shit 595 00:44:16,154 --> 00:44:18,577 South Central, that's where the Lench mob dwell 596 00:44:18,739 --> 00:44:21,117 Hittin' fools up with the big ass! 597 00:44:21,284 --> 00:44:23,252 One time can't hold me back 598 00:44:23,411 --> 00:44:25,709 Sweatshirt, khakis and... 599 00:44:26,831 --> 00:44:28,833 It's all right, mate. It's all right. 600 00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:31,173 What the fuck? 601 00:44:37,049 --> 00:44:38,767 Everything all right, sir? 602 00:44:38,968 --> 00:44:40,936 Yes. Yes, I'm fine, thank you. 603 00:44:41,137 --> 00:44:45,108 - Looks like you're in a hurry. - Yes, well, I have an appointment. 604 00:44:50,062 --> 00:44:52,190 With death. 605 00:44:53,316 --> 00:44:56,741 - Excuse me? - I mean, with the launderette. 606 00:44:56,944 --> 00:44:59,663 I'm going to wash some socks. 607 00:44:59,864 --> 00:45:03,118 - There's no crime in that, is there? - Not that I'm aware of. 608 00:45:03,284 --> 00:45:06,208 Good. Well, I'll be on my way, then. Good night. 609 00:45:06,370 --> 00:45:08,043 Good night. 610 00:45:17,340 --> 00:45:19,559 Keep it together, keep it together. 611 00:45:19,717 --> 00:45:23,563 It's only a banana. It's not him you're afraid of, it's only... 612 00:45:28,351 --> 00:45:31,104 Okay. Stick to the plan. 613 00:45:31,270 --> 00:45:33,864 If I move fast, I can get in and out in half an hour. 614 00:45:34,023 --> 00:45:36,867 That leaves 20 minutes to change and get a taxi north. 615 00:45:37,026 --> 00:45:38,824 No room for error. 616 00:45:45,826 --> 00:45:50,707 "Everything automatic. One, open the door. 617 00:45:50,915 --> 00:45:53,088 "Two, get the clothes in. 618 00:45:53,292 --> 00:45:57,547 "Three, shut the door and have two pound coins ready. 619 00:45:57,755 --> 00:46:00,850 "Four, place the money in the slot. 620 00:46:01,050 --> 00:46:03,599 "Five, push your slot in." 621 00:46:13,187 --> 00:46:14,564 Great. 622 00:46:15,690 --> 00:46:17,442 How do I manage it? 623 00:46:17,650 --> 00:46:21,530 I've managed to create a bad impression. I'm still in the street. 624 00:46:22,238 --> 00:46:26,368 Okay. Okay, you can do this. You can do this. 625 00:46:57,398 --> 00:46:59,446 Looks like my lucky day. 626 00:46:59,608 --> 00:47:03,454 Only four people and no visible infants. 627 00:47:03,612 --> 00:47:05,410 There, look. 628 00:47:05,614 --> 00:47:08,993 The atmosphere's easing a little. I'm blending in. 629 00:47:17,376 --> 00:47:21,506 Okay, so far so good. I'm already up to number three. 630 00:47:22,089 --> 00:47:24,842 "Shut the door, have two pound coins ready. 631 00:47:29,221 --> 00:47:32,020 "Four, put the money in. Five..." 632 00:47:35,686 --> 00:47:38,565 Shit. These signs are older than the machines. 633 00:47:38,773 --> 00:47:40,525 What do I do now? 634 00:47:40,900 --> 00:47:42,368 Heavy soil. 635 00:47:46,405 --> 00:47:49,158 Jesus, it's over. 636 00:47:49,325 --> 00:47:53,580 All I have to do is stand in front of it until the things come out clean. 637 00:48:12,765 --> 00:48:15,814 I need to check out those drying machines. 638 00:48:19,980 --> 00:48:23,826 Interesting. It appears the technique is to open the door 639 00:48:24,026 --> 00:48:26,370 and grab the dry things as they fly past. 640 00:48:26,570 --> 00:48:30,575 So more heat gets concentrated into bulkier items such as woollens. 641 00:48:30,741 --> 00:48:32,960 While at the same time anything fragile 642 00:48:33,119 --> 00:48:35,292 are spared unnecessary exposure. 643 00:48:35,621 --> 00:48:37,794 I'll have to remember that for my shirt. 644 00:48:37,998 --> 00:48:39,545 Wait. 645 00:48:40,668 --> 00:48:42,136 Something's wrong. 646 00:48:42,336 --> 00:48:46,591 I'm spinning without a problem, but mine's different to the others. 647 00:48:46,799 --> 00:48:48,972 What is this? I can't afford a hitch. 648 00:48:49,176 --> 00:48:50,723 Excuse me. 649 00:48:50,928 --> 00:48:53,602 - Mine hasn't gone white yet. - What hasn't? 650 00:48:53,806 --> 00:48:56,025 My washing water. Look. 651 00:48:59,395 --> 00:49:01,318 You didn't put no soap in. 652 00:49:01,522 --> 00:49:05,823 - I thought the machine did it. - Machine don't put own soap in. 653 00:49:06,026 --> 00:49:08,370 You have to put soap in. Where your soap? 654 00:49:08,571 --> 00:49:11,575 I haven't got any. It says everything's automatic. 655 00:49:11,782 --> 00:49:15,252 See number six, "Add detergent." 656 00:49:16,370 --> 00:49:17,963 No. 657 00:49:18,789 --> 00:49:20,507 What am I gonna do? 658 00:49:20,708 --> 00:49:25,509 - It's not gonna get washed, is it? - Not without soap. 659 00:49:26,672 --> 00:49:29,266 I've done it again. How is it possible 660 00:49:29,425 --> 00:49:32,429 to keep putting things into machines without getting them clean? 661 00:49:32,595 --> 00:49:34,939 Look here. Have you got any soap? 662 00:49:35,139 --> 00:49:38,063 Soap in slot machine one pound. 663 00:49:46,025 --> 00:49:47,743 Here, soap. 664 00:49:48,110 --> 00:49:49,703 Thanks. 665 00:49:53,282 --> 00:49:55,250 Not now. 666 00:49:55,451 --> 00:49:58,796 You cannot put soap in now, you've missed your cycle. 667 00:49:58,996 --> 00:50:00,373 You wait. 668 00:50:00,581 --> 00:50:03,926 - Tell me when to put the soap. - No. I'm in hurry to go home. 669 00:50:04,126 --> 00:50:05,799 So am I. 670 00:50:05,961 --> 00:50:08,965 You haven't been here since 8:00 this morning. 671 00:50:09,507 --> 00:50:11,555 What've you got in there? 672 00:50:12,801 --> 00:50:15,145 - A shirt and some socks. - That's it? 673 00:50:15,804 --> 00:50:18,477 akumenang.com New movies, and multiple Links 674 00:50:18,807 --> 00:50:21,856 - There's a pair in there as well. - A pair? 675 00:50:22,061 --> 00:50:23,734 A pair of underpants? 676 00:50:24,104 --> 00:50:27,654 - That's all you put in machine? - I'm allowed to, aren't I? 677 00:50:27,816 --> 00:50:30,194 You can put in a handkerchief for all I care. 678 00:50:30,361 --> 00:50:33,080 But I think it's a criminal waste of water. 679 00:50:33,239 --> 00:50:36,539 Sorry. How right you are. 680 00:50:36,700 --> 00:50:40,295 In fact in a funny way, crime is the only reason I'm here. 681 00:50:40,496 --> 00:50:42,840 I'm going home. It's half past seven. 682 00:50:43,040 --> 00:50:45,793 Actually it's 7:20. But if I'd been in here 683 00:50:46,001 --> 00:50:49,881 since 8:00, I'd have started lying about more than the time to get out. 684 00:50:54,051 --> 00:50:57,396 - We'll miss out the drying. - Yeah, I agree. 685 00:51:07,815 --> 00:51:09,567 I've missed my cycle. 686 00:51:09,775 --> 00:51:11,448 Will it still get clean? 687 00:51:11,652 --> 00:51:14,656 I'm gonna have to chance it. I'm cutting it fine as it is. 688 00:51:14,863 --> 00:51:17,707 And why do I seem to be the only one with a machine 689 00:51:17,908 --> 00:51:20,252 that refuses to stop spinning? 690 00:51:28,252 --> 00:51:30,630 Those two are beginning to annoy me. 691 00:51:30,838 --> 00:51:34,809 Especially the one in the rollers who looks like Caligula. 692 00:51:35,009 --> 00:51:37,262 She's obviously the ring leader. 693 00:51:39,471 --> 00:51:41,849 What the hell are they staring at? 694 00:51:42,057 --> 00:51:44,731 I imagine they live pretty mundane lives here 695 00:51:44,935 --> 00:51:47,404 in these launderettes, but even so. 696 00:51:47,938 --> 00:51:51,613 It's over. I'm free. Get me out of here. 697 00:52:19,803 --> 00:52:21,805 Oh, no. A beautiful girl. 698 00:52:22,014 --> 00:52:23,857 That's the last thing I need. 699 00:52:24,016 --> 00:52:26,769 It's bad enough shifting underwear with these louts. 700 00:52:26,935 --> 00:52:29,404 Now I'm gonna have to do it with her watching. 701 00:52:30,898 --> 00:52:34,493 Better be discrete, it's down to the dryers now. 702 00:52:46,997 --> 00:52:48,624 I'll just hang back here. 703 00:52:48,791 --> 00:52:51,465 Hope the beautiful girl doesn't notice my presence. 704 00:52:54,630 --> 00:52:56,883 She's trying to block my view of her dryer. 705 00:52:57,091 --> 00:52:59,594 What does she think I am? A Peeping Tom? 706 00:53:00,469 --> 00:53:04,895 Jesus. The size of that. I've never seen anything like it. 707 00:53:05,432 --> 00:53:09,278 And another. That thing must have "Dunlap" written on it. 708 00:53:09,478 --> 00:53:12,823 Oh, thanks. Thanks very much. 709 00:53:12,981 --> 00:53:15,109 That's just downright impolite. 710 00:53:15,275 --> 00:53:18,654 Listen, darling, I don't wanna look at your fucking underwear. 711 00:53:18,821 --> 00:53:22,451 Might excite the gentlemen in your life, but as far as I'm concerned 712 00:53:22,658 --> 00:53:26,538 it's about as sexy as a couple of buckets, which is what it looks like. 713 00:53:37,881 --> 00:53:40,304 I look like something out of a horror movie. 714 00:53:40,467 --> 00:53:42,561 All those little ruptured blonde hairs. 715 00:53:42,761 --> 00:53:45,640 My head looks like a Swede's scrotum. 716 00:53:45,848 --> 00:53:50,149 No wonder they've been watching me. I look horrifying. 717 00:53:50,352 --> 00:53:52,400 I'm a monster. 718 00:53:55,274 --> 00:53:56,901 What to do? 719 00:53:59,653 --> 00:54:01,747 I've still got half an hour. 720 00:54:02,030 --> 00:54:06,410 I could go to the service station, get some big sunglasses. 721 00:54:06,618 --> 00:54:09,292 Yeah. Yeah. 722 00:54:09,496 --> 00:54:10,998 Yeah, it could work. 723 00:54:11,206 --> 00:54:14,130 Yeah, motherfucker. Hood up. 724 00:54:14,334 --> 00:54:18,464 Right, I've gotta get out of here. And quick. 725 00:54:18,964 --> 00:54:21,467 A bit of dampness never hurt anybody. 726 00:54:52,623 --> 00:54:55,251 Forget them. They're lost forever. 727 00:54:55,459 --> 00:54:57,553 Just get the sock and the shirt. 728 00:55:00,506 --> 00:55:02,304 Excuse me. 729 00:55:03,467 --> 00:55:04,844 Are these yours? 730 00:55:07,221 --> 00:55:08,689 No. 731 00:55:08,889 --> 00:55:10,516 No. Nothing to do with me. 732 00:55:14,144 --> 00:55:17,523 - Are they yours? - They're his. I saw them come out. 733 00:55:19,983 --> 00:55:22,702 - Excuse me. What's your name? - John. 734 00:55:22,903 --> 00:55:25,497 - My name is John. - Then they are yours. 735 00:55:25,697 --> 00:55:28,701 It's embroidered inside on a little tab. 736 00:55:30,118 --> 00:55:32,667 Yes. Yes, they are. They are mine, yes. 737 00:55:32,871 --> 00:55:34,794 Lent them to somebody, long time ago. 738 00:55:34,998 --> 00:55:37,342 Not sure how they got into my wash actually. 739 00:55:37,793 --> 00:55:39,841 - Don't you want them? - No. 740 00:55:40,045 --> 00:55:41,888 No. No, thank you. 741 00:55:42,381 --> 00:55:45,180 - I don't want them. - Throw them in the bin, love. 742 00:55:45,384 --> 00:55:47,682 Yes, thank you. You've been very kind. 743 00:55:47,886 --> 00:55:49,513 Look out. He's got a blade. 744 00:55:52,432 --> 00:55:56,232 It's not what it looks like. I'm not gonna hurt anybody. Really. 745 00:55:56,395 --> 00:55:59,490 I'm a professional writer. For television. Don't go. 746 00:55:59,815 --> 00:56:01,237 - Call the cops! - Please. 747 00:56:01,400 --> 00:56:04,620 - Call the cops! - No, no. Stop, stop, stop. 748 00:56:05,571 --> 00:56:07,198 Argh! 749 00:56:08,198 --> 00:56:10,576 - Go. - Get. 750 00:56:10,742 --> 00:56:13,120 Where's the cops? 751 00:56:16,832 --> 00:56:19,676 Go that way. Take that route, gotta get that next one. 752 00:56:34,516 --> 00:56:36,234 Half past. 753 00:56:37,144 --> 00:56:39,238 I've still got 20 minutes. 754 00:56:46,945 --> 00:56:49,414 - Back off. - Please, I can explain. 755 00:56:49,615 --> 00:56:52,835 - Let me out. I can explain. - No way. Go on, stay back. 756 00:56:53,035 --> 00:56:58,132 Look, I know I look weird, but I'm a writer. 757 00:56:58,290 --> 00:56:59,963 I don't normally look like this 758 00:57:00,125 --> 00:57:02,344 and I certainly don't wanna use this knife. 759 00:57:02,544 --> 00:57:04,922 Please, I have a really important meeting. 760 00:57:05,130 --> 00:57:08,760 Not interested, mate, okay? And I said back off. 761 00:57:08,967 --> 00:57:11,015 There must be another way out of here. 762 00:57:12,679 --> 00:57:14,022 Jen. 763 00:57:18,518 --> 00:57:20,566 They're coming. They're coming. 764 00:57:20,771 --> 00:57:22,694 Hang on, I can hear the sirens. 765 00:57:22,898 --> 00:57:25,822 - Hurry up. He's trying to get out. - Come on, Clair. 766 00:57:26,026 --> 00:57:30,406 Come on, pick up, pick up. Come on, Clair. Pick up, pick up. 767 00:57:31,239 --> 00:57:33,913 Come on. 768 00:57:41,291 --> 00:57:42,713 Oh. 769 00:57:42,876 --> 00:57:46,722 - You say he threatened you? - I'll say he's sick as a pig. 770 00:57:50,801 --> 00:57:54,146 - Stand by. We got a nutter. - Hurry. He's trying to get away. 771 00:57:54,346 --> 00:57:56,019 Okay, stand back. 772 00:57:57,224 --> 00:58:00,728 Roger. About to apprehend said knife man. Over. 773 00:58:01,937 --> 00:58:03,610 Positions. 774 00:58:05,649 --> 00:58:07,401 Follow. Follow. Follow. 775 00:58:07,609 --> 00:58:09,452 - I'm in. - Right. 776 00:58:09,653 --> 00:58:11,576 - Yeah. - I can't see him. 777 00:58:11,780 --> 00:58:14,374 Dryers clear, sarge. Dryers clear. 778 00:58:14,574 --> 00:58:16,747 No visuals. No visuals. No visuals. 779 00:58:16,952 --> 00:58:19,421 - Where is he? - Is this the right launderette? 780 00:58:19,621 --> 00:58:21,589 - Covered. - Stay still! 781 00:58:21,748 --> 00:58:24,422 What should I do? Come on, stay still! 782 00:58:25,627 --> 00:58:28,722 All right, sonny. Drop the knife. 783 00:58:28,922 --> 00:58:31,846 Now. Drop the knife. Step forward. 784 00:58:32,050 --> 00:58:34,018 Hands up where we can see them! 785 00:58:34,177 --> 00:58:36,396 I'm not here to hurt anybody. 786 00:58:37,639 --> 00:58:39,232 I'm a professional writer. 787 00:58:39,391 --> 00:58:42,144 Drop the knife, don't give me no mumbo. 788 00:58:42,310 --> 00:58:45,234 - Mumbo? - Mumbo jumbo. 789 00:58:45,439 --> 00:58:47,407 - Well, it's stuck. - You heard. Drop it. 790 00:58:47,566 --> 00:58:49,489 We want the knife, bitch. 791 00:58:49,651 --> 00:58:51,824 - Be my guest. - Tase him. 792 00:58:52,779 --> 00:58:55,248 Ow... Aaargh! 793 00:59:04,374 --> 00:59:11,349 I'll see you in my dreams 794 00:59:13,383 --> 00:59:19,356 Hold you in my dreams 795 00:59:21,641 --> 00:59:24,019 Though you are gone 796 00:59:24,186 --> 00:59:28,191 I can see you standing 797 00:59:28,356 --> 00:59:30,154 Right before me 798 00:59:30,317 --> 00:59:33,491 Though the pain I cannot feel 799 00:59:33,653 --> 00:59:38,659 So well 800 00:59:42,204 --> 00:59:48,007 Lips that once were mine 801 00:59:49,628 --> 00:59:56,102 Tender eyes that shine 802 00:59:57,677 --> 01:00:01,147 Someone took you 803 01:00:01,306 --> 01:00:05,152 Out of my arms 804 01:00:06,228 --> 01:00:13,032 Still I feel the thrill of your charms 805 01:00:28,250 --> 01:00:35,259 They will light my way tonight 806 01:00:35,423 --> 01:00:38,893 I'll see you 807 01:00:39,052 --> 01:00:46,061 I'll see you in my dreams 808 01:00:57,279 --> 01:00:58,747 This way please, sir. 809 01:01:00,031 --> 01:01:02,910 All right back off, sonny, back off. Out of the way. 810 01:01:03,118 --> 01:01:05,997 Help him get that off. I can't take him anywhere with that. 811 01:01:06,163 --> 01:01:07,665 Okay, this way, sir. 812 01:01:07,873 --> 01:01:10,342 Sir, you do not have to say anything. 813 01:01:10,500 --> 01:01:13,504 Anything you do say may be given in evidence. 814 01:01:13,712 --> 01:01:15,931 He wants locking up, that boy. 815 01:01:16,131 --> 01:01:19,226 - Lock him up. - It's not me you should be after. 816 01:01:19,426 --> 01:01:21,975 It's this bastard in North London, Harvey... 817 01:01:22,179 --> 01:01:23,977 - That's blinding. - All right. 818 01:01:24,181 --> 01:01:26,855 Filming for "Beat Cops", mate. It's gonna be on TV. 819 01:01:27,934 --> 01:01:29,732 Anything you wanna say? 820 01:01:29,895 --> 01:01:34,947 No. Go away. This is my life. This is not some excuse for cheap TV. 821 01:01:35,108 --> 01:01:37,076 - Aow! - You're being very brave. 822 01:01:37,235 --> 01:01:39,158 Bugger off. You got what you want. 823 01:01:39,321 --> 01:01:42,040 Sarge, look, I set fire to myself before I came out 824 01:01:42,199 --> 01:01:43,997 then I glued this knife to my hand. 825 01:01:44,159 --> 01:01:45,877 - You threatened the ladies. - I didn't. 826 01:01:46,036 --> 01:01:48,164 - They say you did. - I really didn't. 827 01:01:48,371 --> 01:01:50,715 Please, can you tell them. I didn't, did I? 828 01:01:50,916 --> 01:01:52,918 No. He just sort of got it out. 829 01:01:53,126 --> 01:01:55,549 He can tell us all about it down the station. 830 01:01:55,754 --> 01:01:59,224 - Right. He is done. - Okay, everyone. 831 01:02:00,884 --> 01:02:03,012 It's over. Go back to your homes. 832 01:02:03,220 --> 01:02:04,597 Safety has been restored. 833 01:02:04,804 --> 01:02:06,898 - Thank you, everyone. - See you later. 834 01:02:08,808 --> 01:02:11,812 - Load him up. - Wait. I'm innocent. 835 01:02:12,020 --> 01:02:15,115 Look, I've got a meeting this evening. Tell him I'm safe. 836 01:02:15,315 --> 01:02:17,659 Enough or I'll do you for resisting arrest. 837 01:02:18,109 --> 01:02:21,488 I'm a victim of circumstance. 838 01:02:23,823 --> 01:02:26,667 All units, Mare Street. Go. Go. Go. 839 01:02:26,868 --> 01:02:29,712 - Sarge? - Little Vietnam, big trouble. 840 01:02:29,871 --> 01:02:31,999 What do we do with Paddington? 841 01:02:32,165 --> 01:02:36,762 - Take him. Chuck him in the van. - Hey, no way. I've got a meeting. 842 01:02:37,504 --> 01:02:39,677 Come on, then! Shake a leg! 843 01:02:39,839 --> 01:02:42,137 Follow that chopper! 844 01:02:45,845 --> 01:02:48,974 - Oh, for Pete's sake. - Mirror, signal, manoeuvre. 845 01:02:49,140 --> 01:02:51,108 Shut up! I am driving this truck. 846 01:03:11,413 --> 01:03:14,041 Looks like they let you go after all. 847 01:03:14,874 --> 01:03:16,592 You're free. 848 01:03:17,460 --> 01:03:19,383 Free. 849 01:03:24,426 --> 01:03:26,428 It's fate. 850 01:03:27,304 --> 01:03:30,057 I'm facing my demons. 851 01:03:32,100 --> 01:03:34,319 And I'm winning. 852 01:03:38,398 --> 01:03:40,366 I'm free. 853 01:03:41,318 --> 01:03:45,448 Come on, stars! Give me your best shot. 854 01:03:46,072 --> 01:03:47,915 I'm ready. 855 01:03:50,243 --> 01:03:52,041 Let's do this. 856 01:03:52,203 --> 01:03:53,750 Oops. 857 01:03:53,913 --> 01:03:57,258 - Evening, sir. - Sorry, officer. 858 01:03:57,417 --> 01:04:00,387 - Something funny, sir? - No, I'm just happy. 859 01:04:00,545 --> 01:04:03,845 Happy? Are you drunk, sir? 860 01:04:04,007 --> 01:04:05,600 - No, I'm a writer. - Oh, yeah? 861 01:04:05,800 --> 01:04:08,679 I'm on my way to meet a Hollywood movie mogul actually. 862 01:04:08,887 --> 01:04:11,265 - You're kidding? - He's very interested... 863 01:04:11,431 --> 01:04:13,775 in buying my script about serial killers. 864 01:04:13,933 --> 01:04:18,109 You don't say. Are you all right? Did you get your laundry done? 865 01:04:18,313 --> 01:04:20,031 No. Maybe another night. 866 01:04:20,231 --> 01:04:23,280 Oh, well. Well, good night then, miss. 867 01:04:23,485 --> 01:04:25,158 Night, sir. 868 01:04:41,378 --> 01:04:43,597 You must return to the scene of the crime 869 01:04:43,755 --> 01:04:46,554 and retrieve those unwashed articles in the machine. 870 01:04:46,758 --> 01:04:49,352 Release your raw, true, inner self. 871 01:04:49,552 --> 01:04:53,022 Begin a new life, free from fear. 872 01:05:08,530 --> 01:05:11,454 Okay. Okay, I got this. 873 01:05:11,658 --> 01:05:16,915 Dr. Friedkin, one banana signed, peeled and... 874 01:05:17,080 --> 01:05:20,550 Huh? 875 01:07:39,639 --> 01:07:42,392 - Oh, my God, what happened? - I don't know. 876 01:07:42,559 --> 01:07:44,778 How do we get out of here? 877 01:07:52,819 --> 01:07:55,413 Oh, my God, what happened? How did we get here? 878 01:07:57,198 --> 01:07:59,041 I was walking down the road. 879 01:07:59,242 --> 01:08:02,872 Yeah, I was walking down the alley and I heard a noise and... 880 01:08:03,079 --> 01:08:04,422 Oh, God, I feel sick. 881 01:08:04,622 --> 01:08:07,546 Oh, my God. I have to let my parents know I'm here. 882 01:08:07,750 --> 01:08:11,596 They'll panic, they'll panic. I don't want them to panic. 883 01:08:11,754 --> 01:08:14,382 What's that? 884 01:08:14,549 --> 01:08:16,347 You're gonna heave? 885 01:08:16,509 --> 01:08:18,511 - You can't leave? - I can't breathe. 886 01:08:18,678 --> 01:08:20,897 Oh, you can't breathe. I'm so sorry. 887 01:08:27,061 --> 01:08:28,734 Thank you. 888 01:08:30,189 --> 01:08:32,283 They must have drugged us and dumped us here. 889 01:08:32,442 --> 01:08:34,035 Who? Who did this? 890 01:08:34,235 --> 01:08:37,865 The Vietnamese mafia. Think about it. We're still in the launderette. 891 01:08:38,031 --> 01:08:41,501 It's some sort of safe house. They caught me snooping and thought, 892 01:08:41,659 --> 01:08:44,663 - "Let's tie him up and dump him." - Oh, my God. 893 01:08:44,829 --> 01:08:47,958 No, no, no. It doesn't add up. It doesn't add up at all. 894 01:08:48,166 --> 01:08:51,966 They might have suspected me, but you were no threat whatsoever. 895 01:08:52,170 --> 01:08:54,172 What are you saying? 896 01:08:54,339 --> 01:08:58,845 It must've been premeditated. We've been abducted by a psychopath 897 01:08:59,010 --> 01:09:04,358 whose intention is to terrorise, torture and terminate our existence. 898 01:09:04,515 --> 01:09:06,108 - No. - What do you mean, no? 899 01:09:06,267 --> 01:09:11,114 No, I refuse to believe that. What about mistaken identity, huh? 900 01:09:11,314 --> 01:09:14,193 This could all be a practical joke. 901 01:09:14,400 --> 01:09:16,368 A joke? Are you out of your mind? 902 01:09:16,569 --> 01:09:19,539 No, you're paranoid. You're jumping to conclusions. 903 01:09:19,739 --> 01:09:23,039 There is a time and place for accusing a man of being paranoid. 904 01:09:23,242 --> 01:09:24,994 This is not fucking one of them! 905 01:09:25,203 --> 01:09:29,253 - Help! Help us, please! - Help, please! 906 01:09:29,457 --> 01:09:33,633 'Help! Help us, please! 'Help! Help, please! 907 01:09:33,836 --> 01:09:35,930 - Please! - Somebody, help us! 908 01:09:41,344 --> 01:09:43,017 Listen. 909 01:09:44,972 --> 01:09:47,191 Somebody's up there. 910 01:09:50,436 --> 01:09:52,359 What do we do? 911 01:10:05,535 --> 01:10:07,537 Mummy. 912 01:10:25,346 --> 01:10:26,973 Hello? 913 01:10:29,559 --> 01:10:33,314 - What's going on down here, then? - Oh, mate. 914 01:10:33,521 --> 01:10:34,898 Are you all right? 915 01:10:35,106 --> 01:10:38,360 Mate, I have never been so happy to see a... 916 01:10:38,526 --> 01:10:41,905 - Community support police officer. - Community support police officer. 917 01:10:42,071 --> 01:10:44,073 Quickly untie us. Come down, please. 918 01:10:44,282 --> 01:10:46,831 No. Shit. No. Don't. Go back up. Get some help. 919 01:10:47,034 --> 01:10:48,456 - Get some backup. - Right. 920 01:10:48,619 --> 01:10:50,212 We're trapped. We are trapped. 921 01:10:50,413 --> 01:10:52,006 - He can see that. - Don't leave! 922 01:10:52,206 --> 01:10:54,208 If they come back, they'll get him too. 923 01:10:54,417 --> 01:10:56,419 - He's police. - He's not even armed. 924 01:10:56,627 --> 01:10:59,005 They haven't even given him a fucking whistle. 925 01:10:59,172 --> 01:11:01,140 Listen, mate, go and get some help. 926 01:11:01,340 --> 01:11:03,263 Get some men with guns and the dogs. 927 01:11:03,468 --> 01:11:07,974 And some dogs with guns and a fucking helicopter. Just go. Go. 928 01:11:24,906 --> 01:11:30,254 On second thought, I think I'll just stay here with you. 929 01:11:31,204 --> 01:11:32,922 Very cosy. Just the three of us. 930 01:11:33,122 --> 01:11:35,420 The criminal stare. 931 01:11:36,125 --> 01:11:37,798 What's he doing? 932 01:11:37,960 --> 01:11:42,761 I'm afraid this is one very sick community support police officer. 933 01:11:44,175 --> 01:11:46,303 Very good. 934 01:11:47,762 --> 01:11:54,737 You know, you can't beat these old machines for sheer craftsmanship. 935 01:11:54,894 --> 01:12:01,493 Front loading, motor power, elegant design. 936 01:12:02,610 --> 01:12:05,659 Admittedly, they don't spin as fast as modern machines do, 937 01:12:05,822 --> 01:12:07,699 but so what? 938 01:12:07,865 --> 01:12:09,959 As Mahatma Gandhi said, "There's more to life 939 01:12:10,117 --> 01:12:12,245 "than simply increasing its speed." 940 01:12:12,411 --> 01:12:15,711 Looking at this washing machine, you'd have to agree with him. 941 01:12:15,915 --> 01:12:18,543 I mean, it's a bloody work of art. 942 01:12:21,921 --> 01:12:25,596 I said, it's a work of art. Don't you agree? 943 01:12:27,009 --> 01:12:28,886 Yes, it's very nice. 944 01:12:29,053 --> 01:12:33,183 Right, well, take comfort in that, 945 01:12:33,349 --> 01:12:37,070 because it's the last thing you're gonna see before you die. 946 01:12:38,646 --> 01:12:44,494 If you both look closely, you'll notice a pea green flashing light. 947 01:12:44,652 --> 01:12:47,326 Which means, that while you were both sleeping 948 01:12:47,488 --> 01:12:49,582 this machine has already passed smoothly 949 01:12:49,740 --> 01:12:52,584 through the stages of pre-wash and main wash 950 01:12:52,785 --> 01:12:55,459 and is now completing the last rinse. 951 01:12:58,583 --> 01:13:00,961 Ow. 952 01:13:01,127 --> 01:13:07,931 This will shortly be followed by the magnificent final spin 953 01:13:08,092 --> 01:13:13,189 at which point, the cycle will end, the light will turn red... 954 01:13:15,933 --> 01:13:19,779 and I shall have the pleasure of sending you both to a better 955 01:13:19,979 --> 01:13:24,405 and, one would hope, cleaner world than this. 956 01:13:24,567 --> 01:13:26,410 You fucking maniac. 957 01:13:26,569 --> 01:13:29,243 I was just gonna go home and catch some telly. 958 01:13:29,405 --> 01:13:32,875 But when you mentioned you were a writer, about serial killers, 959 01:13:33,075 --> 01:13:37,672 I thought, "No. No, this is meant to be. 960 01:13:37,872 --> 01:13:39,294 "This is fate." 961 01:13:39,498 --> 01:13:41,876 - What do you call yourself? - What's that? 962 01:13:42,043 --> 01:13:45,798 What do you call yourself? The Spin King? Laundry Man? 963 01:13:46,005 --> 01:13:48,554 No, I'm the Hanoi Handshake. That's me. 964 01:13:48,758 --> 01:13:51,602 After I kill you, I'm going to chop your fingers off 965 01:13:51,761 --> 01:13:54,105 and pin it on the Vietnamese lot. 966 01:13:54,263 --> 01:13:57,893 WW? Why are you doing this? 967 01:13:58,059 --> 01:14:00,903 Oh, well, it's complicated. 968 01:14:01,103 --> 01:14:04,733 You see, this launderette used to belong to my grandmother. 969 01:14:04,899 --> 01:14:08,324 That is, before the whole neighbourhood went to Pot. 970 01:14:08,486 --> 01:14:10,488 Pol Pot. 971 01:14:10,655 --> 01:14:15,035 No, the boat people elbowed her out. Broke her heart. Killed her. 972 01:14:15,242 --> 01:14:19,247 So I'm on a rampage, a rampage of vengeance. 973 01:14:19,455 --> 01:14:20,923 Oh, I see. 974 01:14:21,123 --> 01:14:22,921 Anyway, that's not important now. 975 01:14:23,125 --> 01:14:24,672 What is important 976 01:14:24,835 --> 01:14:29,932 is that I've got the key, and no one knows we're here. 977 01:14:30,091 --> 01:14:33,766 So then, if you don't mind, I've just got to quickly go upstairs 978 01:14:33,928 --> 01:14:35,976 and sharpen my knife. 979 01:14:38,474 --> 01:14:40,476 Sit tight, kids. 980 01:14:44,563 --> 01:14:48,033 And remember, when the light goes red, 981 01:14:48,234 --> 01:14:50,032 you're dead. 982 01:15:05,334 --> 01:15:09,009 Hm, the rinse is ending. 983 01:15:21,434 --> 01:15:23,562 Oh, that's it then, isn't it? 984 01:15:23,728 --> 01:15:27,483 Not only am I not gonna make my meeting with Harvey Humphries, 985 01:15:27,648 --> 01:15:30,322 I'm gonna fucking die. 986 01:15:30,484 --> 01:15:33,328 Hey, stop it. 987 01:15:34,572 --> 01:15:36,700 You mustn't lose hope. 988 01:15:36,907 --> 01:15:39,956 There's no hope. We're dead. 989 01:15:40,161 --> 01:15:42,255 There is always hope. 990 01:15:42,455 --> 01:15:46,130 I was abandoned in a launderette as a child. 991 01:15:47,251 --> 01:15:51,927 I couldn't speak for six weeks, I was so afraid. 992 01:15:52,089 --> 01:15:54,433 I've come full circle. 993 01:15:54,592 --> 01:15:56,594 I'm alive, 994 01:15:56,761 --> 01:16:00,891 alive to experience my own death. 995 01:16:01,098 --> 01:16:02,816 It's destiny. 996 01:16:04,310 --> 01:16:06,278 No! 997 01:16:06,437 --> 01:16:12,786 No! No! No! 998 01:16:41,764 --> 01:16:47,146 Listen, your mother, she gave up on herself, not on you. 999 01:16:47,353 --> 01:16:50,698 You don't make the same mistake. 1000 01:16:50,856 --> 01:16:53,234 We can do it together. 1001 01:16:54,193 --> 01:16:59,290 Come on, we have to try and reason with him. 1002 01:16:59,448 --> 01:17:01,667 There's always hope. 1003 01:17:05,996 --> 01:17:08,374 I don't even know your name. 1004 01:17:08,541 --> 01:17:11,886 Sangeet. My name is Sangeet. 1005 01:17:12,294 --> 01:17:14,467 Sangeet. 1006 01:17:14,630 --> 01:17:17,008 That's a very beautiful name. 1007 01:17:18,050 --> 01:17:22,180 Sangeet, do you think if all this blows over, 1008 01:17:22,346 --> 01:17:26,647 you and I might perhaps get some dinner or...? 1009 01:17:27,810 --> 01:17:29,812 That's the spirit, John. 1010 01:17:36,443 --> 01:17:37,990 (He)'- 1011 01:17:38,654 --> 01:17:40,622 Call me Jack. 1012 01:18:00,801 --> 01:18:05,807 Those about to die, we salute you. 1013 01:18:07,474 --> 01:18:11,399 It's the final countdown 1014 01:18:15,941 --> 01:18:20,071 The final countdown 1015 01:18:21,488 --> 01:18:26,164 on, hey 1016 01:18:26,327 --> 01:18:29,797 What's wrong? Not your cup of tea? 1017 01:18:32,750 --> 01:18:35,128 But how can you not like this? 1018 01:18:35,294 --> 01:18:39,344 This is top-notch. This is classic rock. 1019 01:18:39,506 --> 01:18:42,180 Er, no. 1020 01:18:42,343 --> 01:18:45,813 Technically, this is '80s hair metal. 1021 01:18:45,971 --> 01:18:47,518 What? 1022 01:18:50,726 --> 01:18:52,148 Right. 1023 01:18:52,353 --> 01:18:55,732 I'll have you know that that track was number one 1024 01:18:55,898 --> 01:18:58,822 in 25 separate countries in 1986. 25. 1025 01:18:59,985 --> 01:19:03,865 Now, I think that qualifies it as an all-time rock classic. Don't you? 1026 01:19:04,073 --> 01:19:07,077 Yeah. Well, we had different childhoods, mate. 1027 01:19:07,243 --> 01:19:10,588 While you were jumping around in your bedroom to men in tights, 1028 01:19:10,746 --> 01:19:12,589 I was keeping it fresh, 1029 01:19:12,748 --> 01:19:15,092 rolling with the brothers, you know what I'm saying, y'all? 1030 01:19:15,292 --> 01:19:18,762 - Dusting off my AK, motherfucker. - Well, you missed out. 1031 01:19:21,048 --> 01:19:24,177 You don't know what you're talking about anyway. 1032 01:19:28,764 --> 01:19:33,440 I used to lie over there, on my bed with my headphones on. 1033 01:19:33,644 --> 01:19:36,523 And I'd just disappear into my imagination. 1034 01:19:36,730 --> 01:19:39,609 Gran always said I had a very vivid imagination. 1035 01:19:39,775 --> 01:19:41,777 Oh, I could be anyone. 1036 01:19:41,944 --> 01:19:47,792 Sometimes I'd be this rock star, half man, half elf, 1037 01:19:47,950 --> 01:19:52,126 with this great mane of golden hair, down to my waist 1038 01:19:52,329 --> 01:19:54,377 and all the girls would be yelling, 1039 01:19:54,581 --> 01:19:59,838 "Oh, Tony. Let me touch it, Tony. Let me touch it. Let me touch it." 1040 01:20:00,004 --> 01:20:02,382 This was your bedroom? 1041 01:20:02,548 --> 01:20:05,051 - Eh? - You had a bed down here? 1042 01:20:05,259 --> 01:20:07,682 Oh, mate. 1043 01:20:07,886 --> 01:20:11,140 Me and this launderette go way back. 1044 01:20:14,727 --> 01:20:17,901 You see, my mum died when I was quite young 1045 01:20:18,105 --> 01:20:22,326 and I didn't have any other family, so I was sent to live with my gran. 1046 01:20:22,776 --> 01:20:24,528 At the launderette. 1047 01:20:24,737 --> 01:20:27,616 She took me in, bless her heart, and looked after me, 1048 01:20:27,823 --> 01:20:30,372 but she decided there wasn't enough room 1049 01:20:30,576 --> 01:20:32,749 for two people upstairs in the flat. 1050 01:20:32,911 --> 01:20:34,629 So she made me a room down here. 1051 01:20:34,830 --> 01:20:36,832 Down in the cellar. 1052 01:20:38,334 --> 01:20:41,213 It was, well... 1053 01:20:41,420 --> 01:20:43,718 It took a bit of getting used to. 1054 01:20:43,922 --> 01:20:47,176 But she only locked the hatch very late at night. 1055 01:20:48,552 --> 01:20:54,104 And I was allowed out, to see the people coming and going. 1056 01:20:54,266 --> 01:20:55,859 To watch them wash. 1057 01:20:58,228 --> 01:20:59,946 You. 1058 01:21:00,147 --> 01:21:03,151 Oh, Tony, you poor thing. 1059 01:21:04,568 --> 01:21:06,320 What do you mean? Poor thing? 1060 01:21:06,487 --> 01:21:08,706 You were abandoned, Tone. 1061 01:21:08,864 --> 01:21:13,210 Mate, I had this whole massive bedroom to myself. 1062 01:21:13,410 --> 01:21:15,708 This is a cellar, Tone. A cellar. 1063 01:21:15,871 --> 01:21:17,714 - But... - Look, it's Dickensian. 1064 01:21:17,873 --> 01:21:20,968 - How big was your fucking bedroom? - That's not the point. 1065 01:21:21,126 --> 01:21:24,380 Jesus. What kind of woman keeps a child in a cellar? 1066 01:21:24,546 --> 01:21:28,767 Hey, don't you say a word about my gran. 1067 01:21:28,967 --> 01:21:31,061 My gran was a very special person. 1068 01:21:31,261 --> 01:21:32,604 That's the kid talking. 1069 01:21:32,805 --> 01:21:37,857 Any mother, even a twisted hag bitch of a mother is better than no mother. 1070 01:21:38,060 --> 01:21:41,781 Come on, Tone. You were dumped. Alone. In a cellar. 1071 01:21:41,980 --> 01:21:45,200 Yeah, all right, thank you very much, Sigmund Freud. 1072 01:21:45,401 --> 01:21:47,403 You're the one tied up in a basement. 1073 01:21:47,611 --> 01:21:51,536 I'm the one feeding the press. Baffling the police. 1074 01:21:51,740 --> 01:21:54,493 I'm conducting the whole thing like an orchestra. 1075 01:21:54,701 --> 01:21:57,875 I'm like the André Previn of serial killers. 1076 01:21:58,080 --> 01:22:01,050 Mate, I have studied serial killers and you are not it. 1077 01:22:01,208 --> 01:22:05,884 - A serial killer is an artist. - Hey, I'm all about elegant design. 1078 01:22:06,088 --> 01:22:09,217 Tell them, Gran. I am an artist, aren't I? 1079 01:22:09,425 --> 01:22:12,679 I'm like a sculptor, sculpting in crime. 1080 01:22:12,886 --> 01:22:16,186 Don't tell me you've got your bloody grandmother down here too. 1081 01:22:16,390 --> 01:22:19,439 Well, of course I have. I'm a serial killer, aren't I? 1082 01:22:19,643 --> 01:22:22,613 It's been done, mate! Come up with something original. 1083 01:22:22,813 --> 01:22:24,315 I did the Hanoi Handshake! 1084 01:22:24,523 --> 01:22:27,777 Sounds like two Vietnamese gentlemen in a public convenience! 1085 01:22:27,985 --> 01:22:29,578 He's right. It does, actually. 1086 01:22:29,778 --> 01:22:32,452 "Can I give you a handshake? I give you handshake." 1087 01:22:32,656 --> 01:22:36,957 Please! Have some bloody respect, will you? 1088 01:22:43,375 --> 01:22:45,594 That's it. 1089 01:22:45,752 --> 01:22:49,177 - Spin's started. - No! 1090 01:22:49,339 --> 01:22:51,091 - No! - Don't! 1091 01:22:51,258 --> 01:22:54,387 Shut it! Shut up! Shut up! 1092 01:22:54,595 --> 01:22:57,565 - No! - Try making fun of this, dead man. 1093 01:22:58,640 --> 01:23:03,237 Say hello to my bowie knife. I call him Dave. 1094 01:23:03,437 --> 01:23:06,737 David the Bowie Knife? Sounds like a character from my stories. 1095 01:23:06,940 --> 01:23:09,693 Dave doesn't like you. 1096 01:23:09,860 --> 01:23:12,454 He's telling me to do it. 1097 01:23:12,613 --> 01:23:14,741 I'm gonna do it. 1098 01:23:15,699 --> 01:23:19,042 akumenang.com New movies, and multiple Links 1099 01:23:19,745 --> 01:23:22,419 You can't reason with a serial killer. 1100 01:23:27,127 --> 01:23:29,846 - Oh, Jack. - Just go, go, go. Please go, go, go. 1101 01:23:30,047 --> 01:23:34,928 Go on, go. Go get help. Hop. Hop! Hop. 1102 01:23:37,095 --> 01:23:39,723 Hop. Hop. Hop. 1103 01:23:40,682 --> 01:23:44,607 Run! 1104 01:23:53,111 --> 01:23:57,787 Sorry. I am sorry. 1105 01:24:08,627 --> 01:24:12,302 - No, Tony. - No, I can't let you go. 1106 01:24:12,506 --> 01:24:16,136 I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. This is how it has to end. 1107 01:24:16,343 --> 01:24:20,223 - Tony, please, leave her alone. - Sorry, mate, she saw me with you. 1108 01:24:20,430 --> 01:24:22,558 - No turning back now. - Jack. Jack. 1109 01:24:22,766 --> 01:24:24,894 - Do something. Please. - What? What? 1110 01:24:25,102 --> 01:24:28,948 You're a writer, aren't you? Tell him a fucking story. 1111 01:24:29,106 --> 01:24:31,325 - A story? - Right, this is it. 1112 01:24:31,525 --> 01:24:34,278 No, wait. No, she's right. Let me tell you a story. 1113 01:24:34,486 --> 01:24:36,079 - A story? - Yes, please. 1114 01:24:36,280 --> 01:24:37,907 It's a dead man's last wish. 1115 01:24:38,115 --> 01:24:41,039 It's a story to end the cycle. 1116 01:24:41,201 --> 01:24:43,420 - How long's it going to take? - Not long. 1117 01:24:43,620 --> 01:24:46,214 - Because I haven't got long. - Neither have I. 1118 01:24:49,751 --> 01:24:52,129 Oh, all right, dead man. 1119 01:24:52,337 --> 01:24:55,682 But make it good because it's the last thing you're gonna write. 1120 01:24:55,841 --> 01:24:58,219 - Yeah, yeah. - No pressure, though. 1121 01:24:59,136 --> 01:25:03,266 Okay. I have to start right at the beginning. 1122 01:25:03,432 --> 01:25:05,651 Once upon a time, 1123 01:25:05,809 --> 01:25:08,779 there was a hedgehog whose name... 1124 01:25:08,979 --> 01:25:10,902 A hedgehog? 1125 01:25:11,940 --> 01:25:13,942 Yes. Yes. Whose name... 1126 01:25:14,109 --> 01:25:17,283 You're about to die and you want to tell a story about a hedgehog? 1127 01:25:17,446 --> 01:25:20,370 Mate, please, just bear with me. 1128 01:25:21,491 --> 01:25:23,118 Okay, you sitting comfortably? 1129 01:25:27,623 --> 01:25:29,842 Once upon a time... 1130 01:25:30,917 --> 01:25:33,215 not so long ago... 1131 01:25:34,254 --> 01:25:36,382 there was a hedgehog... 1132 01:25:37,466 --> 01:25:39,514 whose name... 1133 01:25:41,678 --> 01:25:44,022 was Brian. 1134 01:25:51,229 --> 01:25:54,403 Brian lived in a cave deep in the forest, 1135 01:25:54,566 --> 01:25:59,117 a dark and terrible place called the Wyrd Wild Wood. 1136 01:26:00,489 --> 01:26:06,087 After dark, the forest would echo with howls and screams. 1137 01:26:06,286 --> 01:26:09,290 And sometimes it seemed to Brian as if even the moon 1138 01:26:09,498 --> 01:26:11,967 conspired against him. 1139 01:26:12,959 --> 01:26:17,465 But the more afraid Brian became, the angrier he got, 1140 01:26:17,631 --> 01:26:21,556 until one night, frightened out of his wits... 1141 01:26:22,511 --> 01:26:26,937 he turned himself into a terrifying monster. 1142 01:26:28,183 --> 01:26:30,902 He put on weight, painted his face 1143 01:26:31,061 --> 01:26:36,158 and started insisting on being addressed as Balthazar the Berserker. 1144 01:26:36,316 --> 01:26:38,910 But then a strange thing happened. 1145 01:26:39,069 --> 01:26:41,822 Brian received an unexpected visitor. 1146 01:26:42,781 --> 01:26:45,375 "Come any closer and I'll scratch your eyes out." 1147 01:26:45,575 --> 01:26:49,079 He snarled angrily at the flickering eyes in the trees. 1148 01:26:49,287 --> 01:26:51,506 "Brian?" Whispered a voice. 1149 01:26:51,707 --> 01:26:53,459 "Is that really you?" 1150 01:26:53,625 --> 01:26:56,299 "Who the fuck are you calling Brian?" said Brian, 1151 01:26:56,461 --> 01:27:00,637 as menacingly as he could manage. "Why, Brian, it is you." 1152 01:27:00,799 --> 01:27:04,724 It was Harold, his brother, last seen by the road, 1153 01:27:04,928 --> 01:27:08,102 walking with mother a long time ago. 1154 01:27:08,265 --> 01:27:11,610 He said, "I'm so happy I found you, Brian, old chap. 1155 01:27:11,810 --> 01:27:15,440 "I've been terribly lonely and fancied a chat." 1156 01:27:15,605 --> 01:27:18,654 But Brian had crossed that road and never looked back. 1157 01:27:18,859 --> 01:27:21,703 He'd erased the memory and his soul was now black. 1158 01:27:21,903 --> 01:27:24,031 "Harold, mate. I hate to be blunt. 1159 01:27:24,239 --> 01:27:26,412 But look in the mirror, you prickly idiot. 1160 01:27:26,616 --> 01:27:29,415 You're a worthless, pathetic, sniveling fool. 1161 01:27:29,619 --> 01:27:33,089 "I'd rather spend time with the worms in my stool." 1162 01:27:33,290 --> 01:27:37,011 With that he chased him into the trees and over the dells, screaming, 1163 01:27:37,210 --> 01:27:39,713 "I'll eat you for supper or meet you in hell." 1164 01:28:04,196 --> 01:28:07,666 But fate intervened and Brian got lost. 1165 01:28:07,866 --> 01:28:11,962 And to make matters worse, there was a treacherous fog. 1166 01:28:12,162 --> 01:28:15,462 "Hello, " he cried. "Is anyone there?" 1167 01:28:15,665 --> 01:28:19,886 But no one replied, and Brian got scared. 1168 01:28:20,086 --> 01:28:22,930 And that's when he saw he wasn't alone. 1169 01:28:23,131 --> 01:28:28,729 A small, crumpled body was lying in the road. 1170 01:28:37,312 --> 01:28:39,781 "Why didn't you leave me?" said Brian. 1171 01:28:39,981 --> 01:28:41,779 "And just let me die?" 1172 01:28:41,983 --> 01:28:45,362 "You're my brother," said Harold. "How on earth could I?" 1173 01:28:45,529 --> 01:28:48,123 And that's when they heard the pitiful cries 1174 01:28:48,281 --> 01:28:52,582 of a very small hedgehog whose mother just died. 1175 01:28:52,744 --> 01:28:55,668 And suddenly Brian just started to blub. 1176 01:28:55,872 --> 01:28:58,967 He picked up the babe and gave it a hug. 1177 01:28:59,167 --> 01:29:01,636 "This little thing, you know, reminds me of us. 1178 01:29:02,254 --> 01:29:05,554 "Left all alone when Mum caught that bus." 1179 01:29:06,091 --> 01:29:08,389 "The spell has been broken," said Harold. 1180 01:29:08,593 --> 01:29:12,348 "It's time to break free. You're not really a monster. 1181 01:29:12,556 --> 01:29:16,186 "You're a hedgehog, like me." 1182 01:29:41,585 --> 01:29:44,805 I tell you what, that is a beautiful story. 1183 01:29:48,008 --> 01:29:50,602 - I suppose they... - Adopted the baby hedgehog. Yes. 1184 01:29:50,802 --> 01:29:52,520 Oh, mate. 1185 01:29:52,721 --> 01:29:56,396 It's symbolic. You see, they discovered their true selves. 1186 01:29:56,600 --> 01:29:58,694 They start again where they left off 1187 01:29:58,894 --> 01:30:02,239 before the trauma of losing their mum. 1188 01:30:02,397 --> 01:30:06,447 I tell you, that was my life, right there in that cave. 1189 01:30:07,319 --> 01:30:09,447 I'm not a monster, am I? 1190 01:30:09,613 --> 01:30:14,119 No. You just need some help. 1191 01:30:14,284 --> 01:30:19,461 I'll let you into a secret. I'm not even a proper serial killer. 1192 01:30:19,664 --> 01:30:24,170 That Vietnamese bloke, the one in the marshes, I didn't kill him. 1193 01:30:24,336 --> 01:30:27,215 - What? - No, he must've tripped and fell. 1194 01:30:27,380 --> 01:30:29,508 He was dead when I found him. 1195 01:30:29,674 --> 01:30:32,268 Yeah, but the fingers, the Hanoi Handshake? 1196 01:30:32,427 --> 01:30:34,646 Oh, yeah, yeah. I did do that. 1197 01:30:34,804 --> 01:30:38,104 Well, otherwise, he was just a bloke in a ditch. 1198 01:30:39,601 --> 01:30:43,276 Oh, her? It's just a mannequin. 1199 01:30:43,480 --> 01:30:45,482 I found her in a bin outside Topshop. 1200 01:30:45,690 --> 01:30:48,409 So you're not a killer, then. 1201 01:30:50,153 --> 01:30:52,076 You're like me. 1202 01:30:53,531 --> 01:30:55,954 We were both abandoned. 1203 01:30:56,117 --> 01:30:57,960 We're the same. 1204 01:30:59,079 --> 01:31:01,673 We're like... 1205 01:31:01,831 --> 01:31:04,801 Yes. Brothers. 1206 01:31:12,008 --> 01:31:15,979 Er, it's... It's not mine. I just... I picked it up. 1207 01:31:30,193 --> 01:31:32,366 Brother? 1208 01:31:32,529 --> 01:31:34,031 - Help. - Help. 1209 01:31:50,588 --> 01:31:52,966 "So Harold and his long-lost brother Brian 1210 01:31:53,133 --> 01:31:58,230 "lived happily afterwards in the old hedgerow beside the churchyard." 1211 01:32:00,932 --> 01:32:05,779 And remember, no matter how dark and scary those woods may seem, 1212 01:32:05,937 --> 01:32:09,817 there's a way across the road for a hedgehog brave enough to cross it. 1213 01:32:09,983 --> 01:32:12,202 Thank you. 1214 01:32:21,077 --> 01:32:23,830 - Hey. - Hey, hi. 1215 01:32:24,164 --> 01:32:26,383 - You look fantastic. - Thank you. 1216 01:32:26,583 --> 01:32:28,881 That was a wonderful story. 1217 01:32:29,085 --> 01:32:34,012 Congratulations. Perfect synthesis of Jungian and Freudian thought. 1218 01:32:34,174 --> 01:32:36,347 Harold's lost self is recovered, 1219 01:32:36,509 --> 01:32:39,604 whilst acknowledging the important role that the false self 1220 01:32:39,763 --> 01:32:42,141 played in surviving the terror of abandonment. 1221 01:32:42,307 --> 01:32:44,856 Well, it's all credit to you, Professor Friedkin. 1222 01:32:45,018 --> 01:32:49,615 Next book, Harold must address his destructive Oedipal complex 1223 01:32:49,773 --> 01:32:54,529 and help Brian with his tendency towards malignant anal hoarding. 1224 01:32:56,029 --> 01:33:02,002 Darling, I've brought someone I think you should finally meet. 1225 01:33:04,162 --> 01:33:07,336 Harvey Humphries. 1226 01:33:08,750 --> 01:33:13,802 You. You never came to see me, did you? 1227 01:33:13,963 --> 01:33:19,811 Oh, you are a very, very naughty boy. 1228 01:33:19,969 --> 01:33:23,269 Harvey's still very interested in "Decades of Death", Jack. 1229 01:33:23,890 --> 01:33:28,691 Maybe you two can get together and discuss it later? 1230 01:33:31,815 --> 01:33:35,490 Can you see the spider? 1231 01:33:37,862 --> 01:33:41,992 And the farmer in his field? 1232 01:33:42,158 --> 01:33:46,083 Can you see the lovely ladybird? 1233 01:33:46,246 --> 01:33:49,625 And what about the little frightened hedgehog? 1234 01:33:49,833 --> 01:33:51,255 Jack? 1235 01:33:52,210 --> 01:33:53,632 Jack. 1236 01:33:54,254 --> 01:33:55,927 Are you all right? 1237 01:33:56,089 --> 01:33:58,091 Er, yes, sorry. 1238 01:33:58,258 --> 01:34:01,137 Hey, what about that dinner you promised me? 1239 01:34:07,016 --> 01:34:10,737 Erm, I'll get back to you, okay, on the whole thing. 1240 01:34:10,895 --> 01:34:13,114 - I'll think about it. I will. - Call me. 1241 01:34:13,273 --> 01:34:14,946 Absolutely. 1242 01:34:15,108 --> 01:34:16,906 - Congratulations. - Thank you. 1243 01:34:17,110 --> 01:34:19,829 - Congratulations. - Thank you, thank you. 1244 01:34:20,155 --> 01:34:21,828 Thank you. 1245 01:34:25,535 --> 01:34:29,665 Once upon a time, there was a hedgehog called Harold, 1246 01:34:29,831 --> 01:34:33,426 who one day set out on a journey. 1247 01:34:34,419 --> 01:34:36,638 When he reached the far side of the wood, 1248 01:34:36,796 --> 01:34:42,098 he came to a large flowing river, dancing with speckled light. 1249 01:34:42,260 --> 01:34:46,766 Without a moment's hesitation, Harold threw himself into the water. 1250 01:34:48,016 --> 01:34:51,190 The current carried him far away 1251 01:34:51,352 --> 01:34:55,482 and he was never seen again. 1252 01:35:06,409 --> 01:35:09,663 Morning. Morning, you two. Morning, madam. 1253 01:35:12,290 --> 01:35:13,917 Bye, then. 1254 01:35:40,568 --> 01:35:43,242 What a fucking... 1255 01:35:43,988 --> 01:35:46,207 - Twat. - Cock. 1256 01:35:46,366 --> 01:35:48,744 Fucking dickhead. Wanker.