﻿1
PORT OF GIBRALTAR - UNITED KINGDOM
The cargo's here.
Bingo.
Target located.
Perfect. Let's go over the plan.
Enter quickly. Detain the suspects.
- Primary objective? - Recover the bomb.
And once we get it?
Gil.
- Gil. - Gil.
- Agent Gil will deactivate it. - Synchronize.
Okay, team.
Let's go.
Agent Gil.
Whatever happens in there...
I know.
Our target is behind this door.
The greatest threat this country has ever faced.
We have to neutralize it before it's too late.
We'll show the enemies of freedom
that democracy is not to be trifled with.
Three, two, one...
Dead, sir.
All of them?
The whole elite force.
- And the bomb? - Nothing.
The whole thing went to shambles.
Give me the president, please.
What are you doing?
Informing the president.
The president is a pussy.
This matter requires discretion and a heavy hand.
Spain is in danger.
We need to recruit a new elite force.
And I want the best.
A present for you.
And...
Another one here. Coming right up.
Hi!
Hello!
Pretty uniform.
Thanks.
- Does it glow in the dark? - Sure does.
And so does the uniform.
But you might not see it, since you're blind...
This is a no parking zone, Miss.
What a dick!
I can't believe it!
Good grief!
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
Signing an autograph.
"To the schmuck who parked in the bus lane.
Thanks for being there."
You can't do that.
I can do whatever I want.
You can't!
What are you doing?
What's going on here?
Everything's under control, sir. You're going to get hurt...
ls there a problem, officer?
No, sir.
You're illegally parked. Your vehicle will be impounded.
You can recover it when you pay the fine.
- I only went to the ATM. - Perfect.
Then you have the cash to pay the fine.
Do you know who the Minister of the Interior is?
Yeah, some fascist.
It's me.
- Surprise! - Don't worry, officer.
You only did your job. You're a very good traffic officer.
I wish all police were like you.
Real police.
- Big mouth. - What did he say?
This vehicle is illegally parked.
It will be impounded immediately.
Nobody is above the law.
What the hell...?
Drive.
Damn!
You retard! You can't fine the Minister
of the Interior.
Catch criminals and protect the innocent.
That's what Robocop said.
You're not a cop. You failed your test 3 times.
You can't carry a weapon, you can't arrest anyone.
You can only ride a moped. 50 cylinder.
Santiago, you're not a hero.
Never have been, never will.
Permission to cry, sir.
For God's sake.
Let's go, move it!
Officer Bravo.
The other one.
You've got balls, no doubt about it.
The Minister wants to see you.
Minister, sir. Do you deny that your car was illegally parked,
you refused to pay the fine and ran over the traffic officer?
Yes, I deny it.
Then how do you explain the surveillance footage?
That's not me. It's him.
Sir?
This was all staged by the opposition party
to make people forget that the government is solving
Spain's biggest problem: unemployment.
Unemployment just registered its biggest increase this year.
Talk to the Labor Minister about that.
Last question, please.
Sir, are you going to resign?
Goodbye.
Great idea blaming me for the accident, sir.
- Shut up. - Yes.
Minister, sir.
Santiago Bravo, have a seat.
Yes.
That whole number out there is your fault.
What a disgrace.
I've been reading your file.
It's crap.
Pretty weak.
- But you have balls. - You're brave, kid.
Spain needs more people like you.
What I'm about to tell you is strictly confidential.
Ever heard of the Autonomous Elite Force?
Yeah.
- Bullshit. - You're lying.
Yeah.
It's our best-trained and most secret force.
Nobody knows it exists. But it's been protecting this country
since democracy was reinstated.
1992.
Good lord.
During the Transition the government created a special elite force
to protect national security.
When it was put to a vote,
bickering between different regions
forced them to include a member from each.
Everybody freeze!
Damn, the coup of '81. The king saved our asses.
Yeah, right. The king. Coffee?
Drink the coffee.
Yes.
A few days ago the force was killed trying to recover
a bomb stolen from us.
They were ambushed.
We think a traitor tipped off the enemy.
Now we're recruiting new members
to complete the mission.
Pep Canivell.
Catalonian police. Expert negotiator.
Fucking assholes!
Bull horn, please.
Gross, who touched this? Give me an update.
They're holding 10 employees and 6 customers hostage.
We think there are 3 of them, heavily armed.
Two minutes.
Release the hostages!
We want a plane with a full tank of gas
to take us to a country
with no extradition!
Two door hatchback, ha“ a tank oi gas, Bah Ampurdé.
Alto Ampurdé!
Cadaqués. And free tickets to the Dali museum.
Okay!
He doesn't need anyone.
Sir.
That's always been his main problem.
Good job, Canivell.
- Way to lead by example. - Hey, smart ass! Look!
Take that!
Lola Rivera, Civil Guard from Coria del Rio.
Best shot in her class.
If she were a man, she'd have been promoted a long time ago.
I'm tired.
My life is a mess.
Dude, let's go!
Tell me, my love,
what you want from me...
Drive, damn it!
Tell me,
don't be so hard on me...
She's crazy about me.
The next member is Gorka Aizmendi, Basque.
The muscle of the group.
Listen up.
There's a traitor among us.
A snitch.
One of you is wearing a mike.
What the fuck is that?
I heard we were signing him.
Take it easy. If you say you're not wearing a mike,
I believe you.
He infiltrated ETA brilliantly, but he failed on his most important mission.
He was demoted to office work.
Holy Thursday, you know, hanging in a tapas bar.
The whole gang was there. And I say,
"Hey, pay.
And he says, "No, I'll pay." And I say, "No, I'll pay."
Anyway...
He's still got a demolition machine inside him.
This is way out of line...
I know it's only tapas, but I think I should take
legal action, don't you think?
The last member is the most nationalistic.
Spanish nationalist.
Byron Gonzalves.
He says he's from Cuenca,
but he actually left his family in Ecuador 6 years ago.
- Come on, man. That's enough. - My beloved flag!
- Let go! - Give me a second!
They're not only the best,
they also represent Spain's diversity.
And we need someone from Madrid.
Me?
Bravo.
Respect the law above all else.
- Yes. - And let's face it.
You'd have to be crazy to accept such a dangerous job.
I'm your man.
That's what I wanted to hear. Any questions?
Yes.
Is the coffee decaf...?
What the...?
Hello?
What's going on?
Hello!
Holy shit? Where are we?
Where's the air maid?
There's no pilot either!
No stewardess or pilot?
Our first mission and they fly us low cost!
Okay, organization.
You, go find me some cashews.
Yes, sir!
- You... - Who made you the leader?
Congress and the Senate. If we live, I'll show you the Supreme Court.
Hey, chump. You don't know who you're talking to.
Watch those claws, kitten.
You need someone cold blooded.
Mommy!
The engine exploded! We have to jump!
Lord have mercy!
There were no cashews, sir.
But I found 4 parachutes.
Four?
Jesus Christ, you guys can't handle an emergency.
Women and children first. I haven't had chicken pox yet.
If you've never used a parachute,
there's a 70% chance you'll be shredded by the jet engine.
What?
Not a pleasant way to go.
No, I can imagine.
Hold on. If I stay, wouldn't my chances be 100%?
Yeah, but you'll die like a hero.
- Give me that! - What are you doing?
Let gm!
I'll rip your head off.
How much for yours?
Kiss my ass.
I'm glad my taxes paid for your education.
Okay! guys'
We're a team, right? We can reach an agreement.
Let gm!
I'll kick your Catalonian ass!
No balls! That's the problem here!
You have no balls!
No balls?
- What's he doing? - Where's he going?
He's crazy!
What are you doing, you lunatic?
I'll show you balls!
Long live the Basque Country!
Damn!
What is this?
You just jumped from 6,000 feet.
Without a parachute. How were you planning to survive?
With pride!
These are the people who have to save Spain.
Sergeant Perez has his work cut out for him.
Who?
SECRET BASE - LOCATION UNKNOWN
Listen up!
The Minister says that you're the new elite force.
Elite force my ass!
To me, you're Crap, Ass, Fart and Piss.
Boss, what about me?
- Give me 3 brands of milk. - What?
Are you deaf?
Three brands of milk.
Nestle, Whole Foods...
and Trader Joe's?
Very good, recruit.
Since I see you like milk so much,
from now on your name will be Curd. Curd!
Okay, recruits.
Crap, Ass, Fart, Piss...
and Curd.
You have a mission and you have to train for it.
I'm going to turn you into the new elite force.
The last line of defense.
If anything happens to you,
the government will deny all knowledge
-of your existence. - Wow, we're like freelance!
Defending Spain is a living hell.
Get ready to suffer.
Move that fat ass!
What are you doing?
Today we're going to work on trust.
It has to be at lunchtime?
Lunchtime?
That's enough, Byron.
Minister, sir.
They're the worst group I've ever had under my command.
- That's impossible. - The Minister chose them personally.
They're not ready to find that bomb, sir.
They'll have to be. You know what will happen if it goes off?
A lot of people will die.
I'll lose my job.
That too.
I refuse to be the first minister ever to resign.
I want results and I want them...
-now. - Yes, sir.
Did you understand or should I explain it more slowly?
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir, what? You understood or more slowly?
I understood.
What are you doing?
Lola, the nights are cold here.
If we spoon together...
Oh, the Virgin!
Okay.
I'd better find another bed.
Hey, not bad. Swiss?
From Barbate.
What if this bed gives me venereal disease? Who covers that?
Gross!
Want one of these? I brought plenty for everyone.
I'd rather get venereal disease.
Pro-independence jerk!
This is the flag of our fathers!
Take it easy. Put that away.
- The Basque will burn it. - I heard that!
I don't trust him, sir.
You're right not to, Byron.
Don't let him out of your sight, I'll handle the girl.
Go get him, tiger.
Come on, guys.
We're all too tense.
But luckily we have this...
Watch.
I know we come from different places,
with our own customs,
our own culture,
even our own language.
But if you ask me,
there's one thing that unites us all.
You,
YOu,
everybody.
Where the paths all cross.
Where the sea is nowhere in sight.
Where the fugitive always returns.
I'm talking about Madrid, right?
Get out of here!
Come on, everybody! Sing along.
Little girls don't want to be princesses anymore.
Good night, team! There you go.
It says I'm 2 kilometers away.
I'm on my way.
Basque devil!
Listen carefully.
Today we're going to perfect your interrogation technique.
In the next 24 hours
a shipment of 300 kilos of heroin will enter Spain.
That man you see is the only one who knows
where and when it will be
delivered. Get the information out of him...
without resorting to violence.
Watch and learn, kids.
Sir.
Well, well, well.
Buddy.
Water?
Oops! We haven't even started and you already peed in your pants.
What a dork.
When is the delivery?
Delivery? What delivery?
The heroin shipment. When?
There's a heroin shipment coming? What a dangerous drug!
It killed a lot of people in Galicia.
And if it didn't kill them, it made them rich.
The delivery is in 24 hours.
What delivery?
I don't know, you tell me. Help me out, sweetheart.
Honey, if it's coming on a boat, probably a port somewhere.
Which port?
On the coast, otherwise where would it dock? But don't hold me to that.
Get out. I said no violence.
Next
Sometimes the pen is mightier than the sword.
- Good morning. - Hello.
First name and last?
- What for? -It's simply a formality.
I never give out personal info
because it's very personal.
Sure someone can say, "I won't drink this water"
or "That priest isn't my father."
But that doesn't work either, because he is a priest.
- Did you know? - Your father's a priest?
Just a private matter related to my mother.
She liked going to Mass at noon, never missed it.
For her it's like going to the supermarket...
...so I said, "Mom, where did you get that incense burner?
Imagine, in the middle of the living room.
That was the last time I ate at home, if you don't count...
Stop, please. Stop.
But you asked.
About the heroin shipment!
Not about your rampant Catholic father,
or your disgusting foreskin operation,
or the time a witch
told you that your neighbor was stealing your Wifi.
But he was! Well, maybe not. You never know.
I don't give a flying fuck!
Five minutes, give me five more minutes. He's about to crack!
Agent Canivell, you should be ashamed of yourself!
You were supposed to be the intellectual of the group!
Sometimes my intellect gets away from me.
I'll give you something to think about, Agent Canivell.
You're kidding. Punishment for being Catalonian?
Canivell.
It's not even electric!
Yikes! Please!
Only a pig would shit where you're supposed to pee.
I can't do this.
Goodbye!
Fuck all you pigs!
Where do you think you're going?
Home. I refuse to put up with those bums.
What should I put down as the reason for your leave?
Depression. And disgust. Right now I'm totally grossed out.
That will mean a stain on your record.
The first.
And a 100-euro fine, of course.
Damn, 100 euros to boot!
Hey, what's up? Are we staying?
Elite force, report to the control room.
Holy Jesus!
Elite force, report to the control room.
- Sir, they're calling us! - Yeah, yeah, I'm coming.
You all need to be up to date
with the latest technology. This is Xoel Brei.
Where are the drugs, motherfucker!
Take it easy!
Xoel is our telecom expert.
He'll be your eyes and ears on the mission.
Well, not quite eyes and ears...
Come with me.
Let's go.
This is our research
department, where we'll supply you
with the latest technology.
Hi.
That's Agent Camacho, head of the department.
Y'all lishen up.
Agent Camacho is from Murcia.
I'm only gonna say dis wunce.
I can't understand you with the toothpick.
What, dis?
Yeah.
You thawt this was a toozbick?
Wong!
It's a nawcotic dawt.
And diz shit is cwazy.
It's cwazy. Look.
- Look, a Chinese kitty cat. - No, it's called a "Maneki-neko."
They say it can make money magically.
You know, like the Andalusian agricultural subsidies.
It's a proyeshin hailegraim.
A what?
A hailegraim. A hailegraim!
Over here, retawds!
Damn!
Shait for bwains!
And I'm cwazy bout dis contwapshin.
My bestest invenshin.
The accent madulata.
What did you say?
The accent modulator.
It allows you to speak with a perfect accent from any region.
You can go unnoticed anywhere in Spain. And it has...
man Of' woman mode.
How does it work? Very simple.
No! no!
Wain it comes into cuntact with da salibary gland
it trainsforms poticals floatin in da zaliba.
Nice work, guys. Let's take a little break.
It's your turn.
Sergeant, it's better if they don't see me shoot.
It might demoralize them.
Welcome to the Land of Pain. Capital: My Sacred Balls.
Fire your weapon immediately! Do you understand?
Yes, yes...
Dad, help me!
Let him go!
You're in range!
Shoot him, Dad!
Shoo“
Fuck!
You missed!
You son of a bitch! You shot your own son!
You were only 5 yards away, you retard!
Damn it...
- Tell my mother... - Yeah?
...that she married a fucking moron!
No, no...
No!
Agent Bravo, have you ever fired a weapon before?
Of course I have.
What a stupid question...
Damn!
- You'll be okay, Pepe. - Pep, asshole.
These things happen.
A couple of stitches and you'll be dancing sardanas in no time.
Son of a bitch!
Come on, let's dance!
Come on!
It itches a lot, is that normal?
The final battle grows near.
Which side will you be on?
When the honey spills, the bears run to lick it.
Are you lost, ma'am? Can I help you...?
When the canary leaves the mine,
the dwarves run and dance around the fire.
That makes no sense.
When the Komodo dragon sings "The Peanut Vendor,"
the grandmothers go quiet and the sailors go drag.
Please, stop.
Join me or you'll end up like the last elite force.
Wait, wait... What peanut vendor?
You're the final piece of a plan that's too big.
Your only salvation is to come with me and bring the others.
Here is everything you need to know.
This is too much!
Access granted.
Ouch, ouch, ouch.
What?
The faingerpaint digitaw sensaw detaicted unidaintified praints.
What?
Someone infiltrated the infirmary.
Someone who shouldn't be there.
Her!
- Impossible. - Stranger things have happened.
Unbewaivabaw!
We have to call the minister. I don't like this.
I don't want to be your lover,
I want to be something more.
I don't want to be your lover,
I want to be something more.
I don't want to be your lover,
I want to be something more.
WE'RE IN DANGER, GO TO THE FIRING RANGE AT MIDNIGHT ALONE!
I knew it!
Freeze!
Oh, no! I'm gonna puke!
Byron, what are you doing?
I thought you were an ETA traitor, but you're just a homo!
- You didn't know I was gay? - No!
I didn't know there were gays in Basque-land.
It was the only good thing about you people.
But I saw you with the radar.
Grindr.
Grindr?
Is this going to take long?
I have to get back before the kids wake up.
You have kids at home?
No, they're in the back seat.
No!
Is anyone here?
I'm alone.
I'm lonely too.
I can't believe it, Santi. You left the note?
Lola, we're in danger.
I think. A paraplegic lady
told me in the infirmary.
- A paraplegic lady? - Yeah.
She was weird and ugly with scars. She said
that's why miners eat canaries.
I didn't get it, but she gave me this.
You think I was born yesterday?
_ -Hey! - Trying to get in my pants?
No!
They were supposed to come on in 5 minutes.
Right.
Okay, Lola, Lola.
I know what you're thinking. "I don't want to hook up
with Santi. He's good looking. His hair is shiny.
Partly because it's greasy, but anyway...
I don't want to mix work with pleasure." But you're not in Andalusia anymore.
Women and cattle are free to choose their lovers here.
No, I mean...
You have to live every moment like it's your last.
Look at poor Pepe.
You could get shot by some lunatic and it's lights out.
Besides, it's a secret force, Lola.
Our passion can be a secret too.
I've never gotten involved with a colleague.
Don't worry, I'll be your superior soon.
Right, because you're the only one with a chance to be promoted?
Well, unless you hook up with Sergeant Perez,
but that's not likely, is it? Can you imagine?
Lola! You don't like champagne?
I can do a sherry spritzer!
Damn it...
What's your problem?
Men! That's my problem. Men!
I understand. You came to the right place!
What can I say? There weren't many options back home.
You can either become a prostitute or a Civil Guard.
I was like you before. Love and work?
Oil and water. But it's not up to you.
You got your heart broken, huh?
Look on the bright side. We're here.
We can prove ourselves.
And the uniform is pretty sexy.
Sir, sir! The Basque...
What? Is he a traitor?
Even worse, he's a poof!
Huh?
How did your thing go?
'.1.
We real Spanish men are the best!
He)', Pepe. How's it going?
Don't touch me!
You look awful. Have you eaten?
20 years on the force and I get shot by a punk from Madrid!
Madrid...
It was a mistake, Pepe.
You never make mistakes?
No, you're too smart. Catalonians are too smart.
Barcelona-Madrid, Madrid-Barcelona. To hell with both of you.
You don't give a shit about the rest of Spain?
Am I right?
I don't give a rat's ass either.
Well, you joined a Spanish elite force.
Watch it.
I'm here because I couldn't stand office work. At least now I have a gun.
Same goes for me. I'm here because it's well paid.
Even if meals aren't covered.
Mine are.
Yours are?
And mine.
They cover your meals? Hey, Cuenca.
- Are your meals covered? - Yes!
Son of a bitch! This ruined my day.
Damn it! What have they got against me?
The sergeant has informed me of your progress.
There is no progress.
You'd better give it your all because this is your last test.
Sergeant.
Sir. There's an extremely dangerous target hiding
in this industrial warehouse.
You must go in and detain the target.
If you do, your training will be complete.
And if we don't?
- No, we will. - You're damn right.
You can go.
- Come on, guys. - Here we go.
Let's go, team!
Sir, why did you say it was a test?
It's too dangerous, it's better if they don't know.
That woman already took out the last elite force.
They're gonna flip.
Okay, team.
Let's go over it again. Pep, take the roof. Gorka,
take the back.
Byron, run around in circles screaming to create a diversion.
Lola and I will stay in the van, nice and warm.
That wasn't the plan.
Exactly. The element of surprise.
You want a plan?
I bust through the door and we go in and kick ass. There.
A better plan?
Okay, then.
Lola...
Whatever happens in there...
What are you doing?
Just a little peck, come on...
What are we looking at? Back to the mission, damn it!
They've got the hots for each other.
Oh, you mean...?
Wow.
What is all this?
Gross! It stinks!
They're just trying to make it look cool.
Hello?
Spain is doing great.
Is anyone there?
Element of surprise, huh?
Relax, it's just an exercise.
Spain is doing great.
Mommy!
It's okay, they're only blanks.
Xoel, come on out so we can arrest you!
There's football later.
Are you talking to me?
Xoel? Where are you?
At the base, where else?
Technically, in the bathroom.
If you call me, I'll answer you.
Holy Christ!
What the hell...?
What is this?
- Sir! - Protect your leader!
- I got it! - Protect me!
This is the last test, damn it! Let's go, Byron!
I hate shoot-outs!
Come on, I'll cover you!
Please, help me! They're holding me against my will.
Over here!
There's a hostage!
Right, a hostage.
Thanks,sonny.
Perfect! We can use her as a human shield.
You monster!
What a bastard!
He made her epileptic!
Yeah, that too.
Ma'am, what are all those blueprints?
Who's shooting at us?
She's in shock, but she'll talk. Trust me.
Freeze!
I told you to choose sides.
It's the paraplegic lady!
You see, Lola? I told you!
Shut up and shoot!
Now you're all going to die.
Shoo“
You missed!
You were only 5 yards away, you retard!
Nice going, you klutz.
Come on!
What are you doing?
I was a traffic cop.
I can smell the handicapped zone. Follow me!
This guy needs help.
There she is!
Stop!
Don't shoot!
Get out with your hands up!
Let me negotiate. Hand her over!
No, no...
I can get you immunity, you have my word. But she's screwed.
Hold it right there.
Come on, damn it!
Let's get her out!
- She won't come out. - That's what you think.
What are you doing? Manolo!
You fucking...
bitch.
Minister, sir.
The president of the Spanish Federation of Disabled Persons
and her husband are suing the government
claiming they were attacked by police officers.
First of all, I deny that those vandals were police officers.
And secondly, I'd like to send a big hug
to all those disabled people out there.
And a kiss to the ones with no arms.
That's your aid program?
Of course not. We cancelled that program a long time ago.
Last question.
Are you going to resign?
That parakeet again!
Do you really think a disabled person...
Shut up!
No, I take it back!
Ask me one last question!
They'll have us for lunch!
Do something, sir.
I'll legalize euthanasia!
Much better.
All you had to do was arrest a gimp.
That much we did.
Yes, you did. The wrong one.
Sorry, sir, but nobody said it would be Vietnam.
It was raining lead, sir.
I think we deserve an explanation.
That's right, you said it was an exercise and we risked our lives.
All right.
The woman who attacked you is Agent Gil.
An ex-member of the elite force. A traitor.
Are you familiar with the Palomares Incident?
Of course, sir. January 17th, 1966...
Shut up, Canivell.
On January 17th, 1966,
an American bomber and a refueling plane
collided in mid-air over Palomares, Almeria.
The bomber was transporting several nuclear bombs.
The American army and the Civil Guard spent several weeks
combing the area trying to recover them.
Yeah, but they found them, right?
Fraga went swimming to prove there was no radiation.
That event is known as the biggest Broken Arrow
in American history.
Correct, but incomplete.
The sergeant just told you the official version.
Four bombs were recovered.
But there were 5 on that plane.
Where's the 5th one?
Franco found it.
Franco stole the bomb from the Americans and kept it quiet.
It was hidden there for decades.
Don't do that, it's rude.
Until two months ago. Someone stole it.
The same person who ambushed the previous elite force.
All the bodies were found... except hers. Agent Gil.
That's...?
The invalid?
Damn, she's hot.
What a shame. She was so pretty.
No wonder she's so pissed off.
We know she has the bomb,
but not where or what she plans to do with it.
Conaco!
Gil had photos of Conaco headquarters.
A weapons company in Barcelona.
- Put Conaco on screen. - Coming...
You cain kiss that bamb goodbay.
No.
We can go in and get it back.
No way. Impossibly impossible.
Imagine an impenetrable fortress of high technology.
Then multiply it by a thousand and you're still not close to reality.
Permission to speak, sir.
Go ahead.
I know someone who can help us.
Who?
Antxon lsarji, ETA's weapons guy.
He pulled off a heist in the Conaco building a few years ago.
We can talk to him.
Spain doesn't talk to terrorists!
Stop humiliating yourself, Byron.
Call him.
He'll never talk to me. You'll have to do it yourselves.
But be careful.
Antxon is ruthless. Merciless. A real predator.
Good morning!
Good morning.
I'm from the real estate office. We want to show the house.
Yes, of course! Come in.
ATXONDO - BASQUE COUNTRY
Be careful, Byron.
Don't trust him. He's very dangerous.
Shut up, dicksucker.
What did you say?
Josu. My name is Josu.
Josu?
Damn.
You look like a wetback.
Let's speak Spanish. They're from Spain.
But you're Basque?
Of course, from Bilbao.
That's great, Josu. Okay.
Look, it's all furnished.
And facing north, like it should be.
Right...
Fucking great!
Shit!
It's a beautiful house, isn't it, Conchita?
Where is that damn thing?
- Why are you selling it? - I'm moving.
The company I worked for closed down after many years.
Sure, business wasn't good.
You get tired.
The government asked us to hand over our... printers.
- And cartridges. - Right.
Piece of shit!
I'm moving to Venezuela. There are too many memories here.
Oh, our flag! The Caipirinha.
Ikurrina!
Ikurrina, yeah.
What a big closet!
No,no,no!
- Very nice closet. - Thank you.
As you can see, it's a very big house. Please.
- Thank you. - Please.
This is the kitchen.
Nice decor!
Yes, very spacious. Very spacious.
Damn, a bunker!
No, it's the basement. Very well-equipped.
You could spend months down there no problem.
Wow, that's great.
And good air conditioning, I see.
No, no! No, this is...
in case they come one day to take away
the printers before an agreement is reached.
Press that button and the whole place goes boom.
To each his own. How much are you asking?
400 thousand.
-200 is my limit. - What are you doing?
I'm sure we can make a deal.
My flag!
- Did he say flag? - Byron, don't.
The flag of our fathers!
What fathers? Byron, please, I'm begging you.
Pro-independence bastard!
I knew you weren't from Bilbao.
Where are you from? San Sebastian?
From Cuenca! I'm Spanish!
Born and raised. Ring a bell?
What the fuck? What are you guys? Txakurras?
Speak my language, you bastard!
Antxon, no!
You.
A)', I'm gonna puke!
Antxon, please. Not here.
You never showed up at Hernani Station.
Wow, things suddenly got hot in here.
I'll turn on the air conditioning.
No!
No, what?
- The printers! - What printers?
Run!
You dumbshit!
Wait a second. Where's Lola?
Lola!
There's no time!
Now that's a leader!
They call it marriage and it's not.
Come on!
Hurry UP!
Dude... You saved me!
Sir, you did it!
Look.
In this condition,
I'll give you 10 grand and keep the cows. Deal?
Six years without hearing from you.
And you show up at my house with those...
lunatics.
They're my colleagues.
You complained about mine.
Why didn't you come to the station?
If we'd taken that train, they'd have arrested you 2 stops later.
I infiltrated the group to arrest you.
But you fell in love with me.
How sweet!
Which one gives it and which one takes it?
We need you to help us get inside the Conaco building.
I've never collaborated with the Spanish government.
- Why would I do it now? - I don't know. For me.
You should have thought of that before you broke my heart.
I think I know who takes it now.
What can I say? That I never stopped loving you?
I let you escape so I wouldn't ruin your life.
And I ruined my own life instead.
I've been cooped up in an office for 6 years... for you!
Have you put on weight?
I've been eating like a cow ever since you left.
Come on, how do we get in Conaco?
If you want to penetrate an impenetrable fortress,
first you have to look into the depths of your soul.
The roof.
CONACO BUILDING - BARCELONA
What a beautiful sight!
- All your people are here? - All of them.
My psychologist lives there, my allergist and my mother.
But my allergist won't let me see her.
- Your psychologist. - No, my allergist.
Look, she's already in my head.
Da saiguritay saistum is daysconectaw.
What'? - She said
she's deactivated the elevator alarm.
Let's go.
Let's get ready.
I'll call my dad and tell him to pray for you.
Byron, are you in position?
Camacho's neutralized the cameras.
Copy that.
I'm going to make my round.
No.
Please.
Wait 5 minutes. I just mopped the floor.
Okay-
You have 5 more minutes.
I'm going up to the 24th floor.
We're all set.
Gorka, you had dinner, right?
Yeah, don't worry.
Damn it!
Come on, don't be a wuss.
Three,
-two, one... - Here we go!
Shit, shit!
Gorka, you schmuck!
- Let me help you! - I can do it alone.
Spoken like a true Basque!
Come on.
Damn!
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
I might not be the best shot,
but when it comes to saving your life, I'm the best.
Pep, we're on the 24th floor.
I've almost got it.
Access open.
You're almost at the corridor with access to the room with the bomb.
We're here.
Pep, the password.
489 asterisk.
Four.
Eight.
How do you do it?
I have a secret.
I say a Hail Mary.
Come on, that's ridiculous.
...now and at the hour of our death.
Amen!
Quickly.
What the hell?
Antxon didn't mention this!
Five more minutes.
Hello.
This is new. There's a thermal sensor
that detected a rise in temperature
and reactivated the alarm. If it rises, the alarm will go off.
Take off your clothes!
You heard him, get naked.
No. I came to work, not show skin.
It's only a minute.
With him that's too long.
I'll remind you of that when we're in bed.
I said no.
Lola, we'll get caught.
Fine!
Santi, your temperature is rising.
Decapitated smurfs, eating bull testicles,
voting, reading a book...
Hey, what's that?
- Just things I say to... - No,
this.
Nothing.
Come on, I told you my secret. What is it?
It was in winter of '95.
No!
Call an ambulance, you son of a bitch!
Santi, you're alive!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
What are you saying?
You shot your own son?
No, damn it. In '95?
How old do you think I am? I was the boy, Lola.
- My own father shot me. - Damn.
I became a cop to prove I was better than him,
but look at me. It's in my blood.
You're not like him, Santi.
You saved my life.
Lola, you're burning up!
What's wrong with them?
They're an item. Cuenca told me.
They'll trip the alarm! We'll get caught!
Fuck this shit!
Now! Quickly!
We're coming down! Where's Byron?
I know you from Ecuador.
Ecuador?
Never been in my life. I'm from Cuenca.
Don't play dumb. We were neighbors in Quito.
You're Rosemary's husband.
You have 7 kids and your wife is waiting for you back there.
Look at this.
You'll forget everything.
That's an electronic cigarette.
Damn!
Five more minutes, sir.
Five more...
Five more minutes, sir.
What the fuck?
Quick, call the police.
Will you call me?
Hey, you're lucky I don't call Immigration.
That prick tasted like home.
Which one do we open?
Okay, let's think.
When in doubt, the big one.
What?
No,no,no!
We did it!
We did it, guys!
Spain!
Sorry, it slipped out.
Well, then?
Damn!
Look at this thing.
How's that for a Valencian firecracker!
No!
Holy shit!
What is this crap?
The Cold War was a scam!
The nuclear warhead is gone!
- Gil beat us to it. - That sneaky bitch.
How did Gil know we were coming?
There's only one explanation. There's a traitor in the group.
- I knew it! - That's impossible.
We're closer than we've ever been.
You're all moles, aren't you?
You want to kill me?
- You'll have to aim better this time. - No, take it easy, guys.
For God's sake.
- The traitor can apologize and... - We'll kill him.
No, Byron.
We're friends, we can't shoot.
You can't shoot.
Drop your weapons!
What's the problem?
- We're engineers with Roncato. - Conaco.
Dipshit!
Smart ass?
Hi!
- What are you doing here? - I work with them.
Because I thought my meals were covered,
but I'm still one of you.
One of us? Yeah, right! We threw a party the day you left.
He almost drowned in the Canaletas Fountain.
Oh, you hate me because I'm the best.
And I understand. It sucks.
No, because you're a pain in the ass and a lousy colleague.
Watch your mouth. He's our pain in the ass.
- Show a little respect. - What?
What?
No, it's the first time... And from Madrid!
Imagine that!
Since you're such close friends, you're under arrest.
No, they're not.
Where did you come from?
- Long Dong sent me. - Who's Long Dong?
This is Long Dong!
Take cover!
Where's the bomb, you cripple?
You fool. I don't have the bomb.
They set you up, just like they set us up.
Come with me if you want to live. Quickly.
Not so quickly, you idiots!
I don't think they'll look for us again here.
You guys totally wrecked the place.
Damn!
Okay.
This is my hide-out.
I'm Agent Gil, member of the old elite force.
You've still got it...
Hey!
We located the bomb a few months ago.
The night we went to get it, they ambushed us.
I was lucky and got away.
At least part of what was left of me.
Don't martyr yourself, honey. You're still pretty.
Sure, that's why I'm in the Pirelli calendar.
- Then who has the bomb? -Isn't it obvious?
No.
The man who recruited us.
The man who knows everything about the most secret elite force.
The man who pulls the strings!
No! Sergeant Perez?
The Galician.
His dad the priest?
Boyero, damn it. Boyero's the bad guy.
That's absurd. Why would a minister want a nuclear bomb?
I don't know.
But if he took it to Conaco, he wants it ready,
and if he wants it ready...
He's going to use it!
Bingo.
Wait, if he took it to Conaco, why send us there?
Smart girl, huh? Why?
He never sent us there.
He didn't know I'd find out about Conaco.
And especially that we could get inside.
I know someone who can help us.
He took the warhead before you got there.
Now the bomb works and he can use it
-at any time. - No!
He's the Minister of the Interior of my country!
I'd put my hands to the fire for that man!
I have sad news.
State security forces have discovered
a new threat facing the country.
A multi-nationalist
terrorist cell that wants to shatter Spain.
And they have a nuclear warhead.
Who's he talking about?
These are the five terrorists.
No!
Not that photo, I look bloated!
We don't know where or when
they plan to set off the bomb.
But you can be sure about one thing:
This government will stop at nothing to detain them.
- One last question. - Minister Boyero, sir.
Please, never resign!
What was that, sir?
I know. They love me.
But you lied!
A lie becomes truth once it's published.
People vote out of fear.
Fear of losing their job,
of getting tossed from the euro...
Fear of a nuclear bomb.
That's why I stole it.
And why I hired the new elite force.
With those 5 on the loose, I'll keep my job, and you'll keep yours.
What about the president?
He can kiss my ass.
I'll rise in the polls after this.
Know what sounds even better than "Minister Boyero?
No.
"President Boyero."
Okay, I'm going to make a call totally unrelated to this matter.
I'll only be a second.
Yes, give me the president, please. It's urgent...
Boyero, you bastard...
Sir, I don't know if this is right or wrong.
We're doing this for Spain.
It's right, then.
Pick him up, we're taking him with us.
They should be behind bars.
Zero tolerance for terrorism!
The search has intensified
and the government has raised the alert level.
Holy condor! What do we do now?
You could have given us a clue earlier...
I told him in the infirmary!
Call me crazy, but you weren't exactly clear.
Something about a peanut vendor.
It was all on the pen drive I gave you.
She threw it away!
- What? - That doesn't matter now.
We'll tell people we're innocent and that we're the elite force.
Sure, an elite force that doesn't exist. We're fugitives!
Fugitives? Don't say that. I'm a Civil Guard.
And a fugitive.
Everybody calm down.
Calm down? Do you know what it's like
to be treated like a terrorist?
Yes.
Okay, I'll call the base.
That's that.
Go ahead.
It's Xoel. Xoel, it's Santi.
Santi?
Santi who?
Santi, from the elite force!
What elite force exactly?
The riot police, the Mossad,
the Royal Canadian Mounted Police...?
It's a trap.
They always use Galicians to trace the call.
I never trusted that Galician!
Damn. I have mixed feelings about this.
Boyero accused us of being international terrorists,
but he's the first boss ever to recognize my potential.
You win some, you lose some.
Give me that!
What are you doing?
- He hired us because we suck. - What?
He didn't call us because we're good,
he knew we'd be a total disaster together.
And we proved him right.
We suck!
Watch your mouth, dong-eater!
Everyone calm down. Let me think of a plan.
Not again! You're not the leader!
This is no time for a mutiny.
What an idiot.
Stop complaining, Pep.
The kid is only trying to help.
You say you like to work alone,
but it's because nobody can stand you.
You say that because you're banging each other.
What? I'm not banging anybody.
That's not what we heard.
Did you say that?
No.
No, technically I didn't.
You said we're banging each other?
All I did was this with my fingers.
Boyero's right, we're bums.
We're bums!
- Lola... - Shut up!
You're the biggest bum of all. The biggest!
You're even worse than your father.
Lola...
No.
No, guys, guys... Hey!
- We're a team, remember? - Santi, it's okay.
It's okay.
Relax. You're not a bum.
What are you doing?
- Stop it. - I'm lonely, Santi.
Get away.
This country will never give in to blackmail by terrorists.
POLICE SEARCH FOR 5 SUSPECTED OF STEALING AN ATOMIC BOMB
BOYERO FOR PRESIDENT
Minister, sir, many see you as an ideal
candidate for president.
This isn't the time to talk about that.
Right now we need to work for Spain. Any more questions?
The ball is 60 centimeters in diameter and it's made of tin.
It will drop before each quarter and then the bells will ring.
Thank you, Antonio.
On December 31st all of Spain will be watching this clock.
Do you like my tree?
Come on, I'll let you hang a ball.
Which one do you want?
Come on.
A ball or a bell? It's pretty, huh?
BEHIND YOU
- Damn it! - I warned you.
Why are you here? Think I'd kiss you in the house of the Lord?
Did you bring champagne?
No need, there's free wine up there.
Look, really... Really!
No, Lola. Please, don't go.
I discovered Boyero's plan.
I need you.
- You're off your rocker. - Okay, maybe.
But when I saw you I realized something.
If you say I'm the girl of your dreams,
I swear I'll fucking clobber you.
No.
You're the best agent I've ever met.
You're everything I'm not.
You're smart, hardworking, kind...
You can even read a map. When they'd ask us for a location
I'd repeat what you said one second later.
I noticed.
I know, you noticed.
Lola...
I'm lost without you.
Please.
How do we get the team together?
Is that a yes?
Okay, okay. Um, I don't know.
Try putting another candle on the altar.
It worked.
Boyero wants to terrorize the whole country.
And what's the one thing that unites us all?
Stealing lkea pencils?
Downtown Madrid,
the end of the year...
- What unites us all, Mecano? - I hate Mecano.
And on the old clock,
year after year...
Five minutes before the countdown.
We look back on the good and bad.
Five minutes before the countdown.
Sailors, soldiers,
singles, married couples,
lovers, pedestrians and the odd priest...
who's lost...
his way.
Shouting and whistling,
Spaniards large and small.
For once we're all together,
all for one and one for all.
Stop, STOP-
I told you they wouldn't get it.
Look,guys.
Boyero adapted the warhead at Conaco
for a sphere 60 centimeters in diameter.
Exactly the size of the clock carillon in Madrid.
He's going to blow it up on New Year's Eve. Which means...
tonight.
Lord have mercy.
What do we do?
The best thing we know how: stop him!
And dance!
See you around.
- Bye. - No, Gorka!
You haven't got the balls!
I'm Basque, not stupid. This mission is suicide.
Come on, guys.
No, wait, wait.
I don't want you to follow me.
I'm not your leader, we're a team.
The worst team in the world.
No, the best worst team in the world.
Don't you remember?
We got through training together,
destroyed ETA's arsenal
and got the atomic bomb back.
Fine, it was empty, but we got it back.
I'm not asking you to believe in me,
I'm asking you to believe in us.
The people need us.
Come on, say yes, or he'll play the song again.
Good evening, everyone. We're live at the Puerta del Sol
and very shortly that clock
will mark 12 o'clock and we can greet the New Year with hope and high spirits.
- What would you ask for? - Good health.
I want to have 2 more ribs removed and the doctor says I could die.
- Sure, I'll toast to that. - Cheers.
Gorka, we need your strength.
Then Pepe.
- Pep. - Right.
And us.
You're up, Lola.
...now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
And here we go.
There's a guard downstairs. Negotiate all you want,
-but he has to open the door. - No problem.
Everything's quiet down here.
Good evening.
Negotiation concluded.
Hurry up. There are so many drunks out there I might get lucky.
Is that all of us?
What about me, sir?
Byron, my friend, you'll get the password to stop the bomb.
HOW?
Drive. As far away from Madrid as possible.
Sure you don't want to stop at the Puerta del Sol?
I heard it's gonna be a blast!
No...
No!
Five minutes. Only five minutes to midnight.
Now explain to everyone at home how the system works.
First the carillon will fall, the ball you see back there.
Then the quarters will chime,
which are 4 chimes, as the name indicates, finally the 12 bells.
The bomb is synchronized with the clock.
When the last bell chimes, lights out!
Five minutes. We need the password!
Let's
We meet again, Boyero.
Agent Gil?
Yes.
I've changed. But I still have these beautiful eyes.
I got them from my father.
Is that a ping-pong ball?
He worked at Decathlon.
Give us the password, you crazy old man!
Byron, the Spain you love is being ruined by
Catalonians, Basques, Asturians,
all of them.
After the explosion, everyone will know who the real enemy is.
That bomb won't destroy Spain, it will save it.
Byron, don't listen to him.
Join me, Byron.
Together we can make Spain great again. United and free.
Pep, have you heard from Byron? Did he get here with Boyero?
Gil?
- I'll go check it out. - Be careful, sugar.
Okay, let's see.
Gil?
Gil, what's going on?
Change of plans, my Basque friend.
What are you doing?
Saving Spain.
Drop your gun!
Drop it!
Don't push me, damn it!
You're joining this madman?
Byron, we're friends, man!
Act like a Spaniard. Like a real Spaniard.
No,no,no!
I have a confession to make.
I'm not Spanish.
- No! - Are you sure, Cuenca?
Yeah, I'm sure.
I came from Ecuador 6 years ago.
You took me in.
You made me feel like I belonged.
Sorry, sir. I like this country just the way it is.
I understand, Byron.
No!
What was that?
I don't know. We have to deactivate the bomb.
I can do it.
Here we go.
What are you doing, you brute? You'll blow us all up!
Okay, Okay-
Leave me here, go after him.
If I die that would really suck.
Pep, you need a transfusion. What's your blood type?
- Rh-negative. - Damn, you could be Basque!
Guys, use this.
- What are you saying? - Those are your brake tubes.
How many people here have performed open heart surgery?
Me! I thought so, baby.
I'll get infected!
I'll disinfect them!
Gross!
Cheer up. If Basque homo blood doesn't kill you, nothing will.
Oh, my God! I'm going to die!
No,no,no!
Shit!
Damn!
That's the carillon.
Already?
Well, if that's the carillon,
that means the quarters will come right after
and then the 12 bell chimes.
Holy Christ! We're going to die!
Not yet. Those are the quarters.
'Mommy! Mommy! - Coming!
This is the last quarter.
It's time for the bell chimes!
Lord have mercy!
Come on, pull back...
Three, two, one...
Give me another wrench, I think I can jam it.
Okay.
Lola!
- Lola! - Santi!
Don't be a hero.
Stick to parking tickets.
Step away from the clock.
The password!
You can't shoot me. That's why I recruited you.
You retard! You shot your own son!
You can do it, Santi.
Remember my secret.
Hail Mary...
Protect the 4 corners of my bed from the cold
and mosquitoes.
Holy shit!
I'm sorry, I studied Ethics at school.
That's okay, with this I'm going to heaven, but you're screwed.
What are you doing, you maniac?
It's okay, Lola.
Like hell it is!
It's time to resign!
You're useless!
Great!
And the password?
Shit, we're going to die.
Damn it, the first thing we do together and we get killed.
Give me the bomb!
Are you crazy?
No. I've got this.
But you'll die!
I already did once, and I'm still here.
Come on, give me the bomb!
My friends and colleagues,
I'm leaving. I'll never forget you.
When you see a star up in the sky,
think about...
Give me the bomb, damn it!
Think about...
Damn, it's heavy!
Okay, time to go. See you later, douchebags!
Holy shit!
Happy New Year!
How pretty!
Damn, Byron!
Atta boy, Gorka!
Take me to the hospital.
After ex-minister Boyero's death, it has been confirmed
that he intended to detonate an atomic bomb
in downtown Madrid on December 31st.
Today, his accomplice, Xoel Brei, remains at large.
Crap!
Julian Miralles has taken over as the new
Minister of the Interior.
No comment.
- You didn't suspect anything? - I really didn't see it coming.
The government has yet to identify the heroes
who thwarted the minister's plan.
Sir, sir! Did you hear that? They called us heroes!
Yeah, yeah. Put that away.
Where is your son?
He's wanted for terrorism and high treason. Where?
What son? I don't have a son.
Well, maybe I do.
Because you can't say, "I won't drink this water"
or "This boy isn't my son," you know?
By the way, who are you people?
HEROES WANTED