1 00:00:15,709 --> 00:00:17,398 - Welcome back and a big thanks to DJ Big Tony 2 00:00:17,398 --> 00:00:19,480 for playing his hits. 3 00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:25,040 I'm your host Becks, it's the title of the show 4 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:26,810 and also my name. 5 00:00:26,810 --> 00:00:29,330 So Dave before the break we were discussing your 6 00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:32,940 impressive career as a stand up comedian, philanthropist, 7 00:00:32,940 --> 00:00:34,760 ladies man. 8 00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:37,160 - Well I am very blessed Becks, 9 00:00:37,160 --> 00:00:40,040 not everyone is born with the raw talent 10 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:44,023 and the bewildering feral good looks like me. 11 00:00:45,651 --> 00:00:46,970 - So Dave, in your autobiography, The Four Pillars of Comedy 12 00:00:46,970 --> 00:00:48,400 the Dave McGinty Story, 13 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:50,750 you not only touch on the deep affect humor has 14 00:00:50,750 --> 00:00:52,320 to the human brain 15 00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:54,910 but also your double life as a spy for the US government? 16 00:00:54,910 --> 00:00:57,280 - Hey now, that's top secret Becks. 17 00:00:57,280 --> 00:00:58,900 - You have a chapter entitled Martinis, Bullets and Broads, 18 00:00:58,900 --> 00:01:01,219 My Life as a Spy for the US Government. 19 00:01:02,654 --> 00:01:03,981 - Well you got me on that one. 20 00:01:05,421 --> 00:01:06,254 - Dave! 21 00:01:12,550 --> 00:01:13,700 - Well there lady killer, 22 00:01:13,700 --> 00:01:16,300 can't even keep the fan girls away. 23 00:01:16,300 --> 00:01:18,099 - Wanna take me out for drinks and hot wings? 24 00:01:18,099 --> 00:01:21,520 - Well, actually my lady, I have a girlfriend. 25 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:24,840 - I'm in the mood for mozzarella sticks. 26 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:26,099 - Uh okay. 27 00:01:26,099 --> 00:01:28,110 - So tell me Dave, why comedy? 28 00:01:28,110 --> 00:01:32,700 - Well Becks, you know, we think that comedy is all about 29 00:01:32,700 --> 00:01:34,770 having a laugh, couple jokes here and there, 30 00:01:34,770 --> 00:01:37,950 but the job of a comic, it's really, 31 00:01:37,950 --> 00:01:42,950 it's really about the stability of an entire society 32 00:01:43,220 --> 00:01:45,450 and really when you get down to it, 33 00:01:45,450 --> 00:01:50,313 it's all that I'm, it's all that I'm good at. 34 00:01:52,195 --> 00:01:53,383 - And you are good at it. 35 00:01:55,620 --> 00:01:59,103 - Well, yeah, yeah of course. 36 00:02:01,140 --> 00:02:03,997 - So tell me Dave when was the last time you had sex? 37 00:02:05,475 --> 00:02:07,054 - Excuse me? 38 00:02:11,614 --> 00:02:13,031 What is going on? 39 00:02:18,835 --> 00:02:19,668 No, no, no. 40 00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:22,682 - Oh my God. 41 00:02:26,283 --> 00:02:27,116 Oh my God. 42 00:02:29,521 --> 00:02:31,334 - Oh my, oh. 43 00:02:33,962 --> 00:02:35,883 Oh, those are cute though. 44 00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:54,850 - Hello? 45 00:02:54,850 --> 00:02:57,046 - Dave it's me Becks, where are you? 46 00:02:57,046 --> 00:02:58,187 - What? Becks? 47 00:02:58,187 --> 00:03:00,100 - You were supposed to be at the club an hour ago. 48 00:03:00,100 --> 00:03:02,330 But I've been stalling Byron I can only save him 49 00:03:02,330 --> 00:03:04,890 in the bathroom for so long so if he asks 50 00:03:04,890 --> 00:03:07,390 our story is you gorged yourself on Applebee's street tacos 51 00:03:07,390 --> 00:03:09,150 last night, get here as soon as possible 52 00:03:09,150 --> 00:03:11,190 and try to look a little dehydrated. 53 00:03:11,190 --> 00:03:13,850 Okay, cool, happy holidays and get here soon please, bye. 54 00:03:13,850 --> 00:03:14,683 - Okay. 55 00:03:18,151 --> 00:03:20,586 Oh God. 56 00:03:34,752 --> 00:03:36,669 Hitler, Hitler, Hitler. 57 00:03:38,149 --> 00:03:41,316 It's the-- 58 00:03:47,875 --> 00:03:50,360 - No, no, no, but for real, 59 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:53,148 I'll never have a soft boiled egg again. 60 00:03:53,148 --> 00:03:56,170 So, up next is 61 00:03:56,170 --> 00:03:57,870 our old buddy Dave, 62 00:03:57,870 --> 00:03:59,723 everybody give it up for Dave! 63 00:04:03,307 --> 00:04:04,770 - Hey everybody, thank you so much. 64 00:04:04,770 --> 00:04:08,680 So, contrary to popular belief, the best thing about Hitler 65 00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:11,437 is not his mustache. 66 00:04:11,437 --> 00:04:14,080 But in fact, it is, 67 00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:17,393 it's Eva, Eva Braun, his girlfriend. 68 00:04:19,941 --> 00:04:21,990 Do you think that Hitler ever actually referred 69 00:04:21,990 --> 00:04:23,980 to Eva Braun as his girlfriend? 70 00:04:23,980 --> 00:04:26,670 I mean, look, he's having a meeting, 71 00:04:26,670 --> 00:04:29,962 he's discussing more efficient methods of 72 00:04:29,962 --> 00:04:34,550 gypsy eradication with Himmler and Goebbels 73 00:04:34,550 --> 00:04:36,577 and then Eva walks in and he says, 74 00:04:36,577 --> 00:04:39,177 "Hey guys, this is my girlfriend Eva, 75 00:04:39,177 --> 00:04:41,197 "she's a real firecracker. 76 00:04:41,197 --> 00:04:44,667 "She makes a mean spritzkuchen and she can bend herself 77 00:04:44,667 --> 00:04:47,007 "in half backwards." 78 00:04:50,821 --> 00:04:51,654 Um... 79 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:56,581 Yeah, so uh, I have a girlfriend. 80 00:05:01,136 --> 00:05:02,810 Well, she can't bend herself in half backwards, 81 00:05:02,810 --> 00:05:05,510 but she does make a mean streuselkuchen, 82 00:05:05,510 --> 00:05:08,023 if you know what I mean and I think you do. 83 00:05:15,010 --> 00:05:17,153 So, I was talking about Hitler. 84 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:20,433 - Bring back Becks! 85 00:05:20,433 --> 00:05:22,530 - So the thing about the Rag Shag fire. 86 00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:25,640 - Alright, so that was Dave McGinty everybody. 87 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:27,642 Everyone give it up for Dave. 88 00:05:28,475 --> 00:05:30,960 And of course you know me, your host Becks. 89 00:05:32,790 --> 00:05:36,310 But seriously folks, what's with Twitter lately? 90 00:05:36,310 --> 00:05:37,460 Am I right? 91 00:05:37,460 --> 00:05:39,318 I mean, really. 92 00:05:40,310 --> 00:05:42,050 This guy gets it, right? 93 00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:43,300 What kind of name do you have? 94 00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:46,240 Brian? Right? 95 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,380 No but seriously folks, you guys are great. 96 00:05:48,380 --> 00:05:49,997 Except for you. 97 00:05:49,997 --> 00:05:51,714 What kinda hat is that? 98 00:05:51,714 --> 00:05:53,597 Get that at a hat store? 99 00:05:53,597 --> 00:05:54,754 Sorry, I'm just teasing. 100 00:05:54,754 --> 00:05:55,757 I was kidding. 101 00:05:55,757 --> 00:05:58,178 It's me Becks, it's Becks, right? 102 00:05:59,835 --> 00:06:02,053 Oh, you guys are great. 103 00:06:20,420 --> 00:06:23,010 - Oh, yeah hey, hey Byron, what's up? 104 00:06:23,010 --> 00:06:24,100 - Hey Dave. 105 00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:26,400 You sucked ass balls tonight. 106 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:27,840 - Ass balls? 107 00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:31,990 - Ya know, ass balls, like ass, 108 00:06:31,990 --> 00:06:35,110 a donkey, you sucked donkey testicles. 109 00:06:35,110 --> 00:06:36,637 - Right. 110 00:06:36,637 --> 00:06:37,620 - So basically normal. 111 00:06:37,620 --> 00:06:39,020 - Great. 112 00:06:39,020 --> 00:06:40,360 - And another thing. 113 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:43,190 Someone threw up Fireball all over the women's restroom, 114 00:06:43,190 --> 00:06:44,290 so you gotta clean it up 115 00:06:44,290 --> 00:06:46,914 because Lilly is allergic to cinnamon. 116 00:06:46,914 --> 00:06:49,314 - I'm allergic to cinnamon. 117 00:06:49,314 --> 00:06:52,040 - Um... 118 00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:52,873 Come on Byron. 119 00:06:52,873 --> 00:06:55,580 - Hey, hey, hey, we take the ADA very seriously here 120 00:06:55,580 --> 00:06:59,090 at Yuks Yuks and not cleaning up Fireball vomit 121 00:06:59,090 --> 00:07:01,320 is a reasonable accommodation. 122 00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:03,560 So, get accommodated. 123 00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:05,363 - Yes sir, I'll get right to it. 124 00:07:06,370 --> 00:07:07,393 Oh Byron. 125 00:07:08,391 --> 00:07:11,050 I'd like to sign up for the amateur night on Thursday, 126 00:07:11,050 --> 00:07:12,740 if that's OK. 127 00:07:12,740 --> 00:07:14,423 - Whatever, it's your testicles. 128 00:07:27,453 --> 00:07:28,888 - Hey roomy. 129 00:07:28,888 --> 00:07:31,190 Guess what I did today. 130 00:07:31,190 --> 00:07:32,890 - What did you do, Upchuck? 131 00:07:32,890 --> 00:07:34,070 - I got a pet. 132 00:07:34,070 --> 00:07:35,010 - What? Why? 133 00:07:35,010 --> 00:07:37,586 - It was free. I named him Pubes. 134 00:07:37,586 --> 00:07:39,680 - Doug, have you seen this? 135 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:40,623 - Oh sweet. 136 00:07:41,890 --> 00:07:43,750 - Um, I don't think Pubes was purchased 137 00:07:43,750 --> 00:07:45,140 from a licensed pet store. 138 00:07:45,140 --> 00:07:47,580 - Hey, you leave Pubes alone. 139 00:07:47,580 --> 00:07:48,623 Took me six hours to catch him. 140 00:07:48,623 --> 00:07:50,471 Didn't it, Pubes? 141 00:07:50,471 --> 00:07:54,231 - David, I feel like we have more pressing issues 142 00:07:54,231 --> 00:07:56,720 than Upcharles' new rodent. 143 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:58,080 I noticed you didn't put 144 00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:00,610 your half of the rent in the rent mug. 145 00:08:00,610 --> 00:08:03,470 - Yeah well, I have been meaning to talk to you 146 00:08:03,470 --> 00:08:04,470 about that actually. 147 00:08:05,591 --> 00:08:07,020 - Whoa, whoa. 148 00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:10,810 Feel like a lot of tension here. 149 00:08:10,810 --> 00:08:12,980 I think I'd like to keep the conversation 150 00:08:12,980 --> 00:08:15,100 a little productive. 151 00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:18,660 Maybe we could use some I feel statements, OK? 152 00:08:18,660 --> 00:08:20,110 I'll start. 153 00:08:20,110 --> 00:08:25,110 I feel like you didn't put your half of the rent 154 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:27,470 in the rent mug. 155 00:08:27,470 --> 00:08:30,600 - Well Doug, I feel that I shouldn't have to pay half 156 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:32,470 because Upchuck lives here too. 157 00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:36,100 - Upcharles almost died, David. 158 00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:39,309 He walked right up to the gaping mall of death, 159 00:08:39,309 --> 00:08:41,853 looked it in the face. 160 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:46,670 Because of this, he is now disabled. 161 00:08:46,670 --> 00:08:47,640 - I'm disabled. 162 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:48,810 - He is not! 163 00:08:48,810 --> 00:08:51,610 He's living off a car injury settlement 164 00:08:51,610 --> 00:08:53,830 like some daytime TV loser. 165 00:08:53,830 --> 00:08:55,030 - How dare you. 166 00:08:55,030 --> 00:08:57,629 - Yeah, you play video games all day. 167 00:08:57,629 --> 00:09:00,943 - David, rent bowl, 168 00:09:02,220 --> 00:09:03,053 tomorrow. 169 00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:08,593 Good talk. 170 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,746 - Hey guys, look, Pubes in my pants playing. 171 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:34,343 - Hi, my name is Big Tony. 172 00:09:35,310 --> 00:09:37,893 What do you call a pig who does karate? 173 00:09:38,830 --> 00:09:40,589 A pork chop. 174 00:09:41,610 --> 00:09:43,300 Where do they go to dance? 175 00:09:43,300 --> 00:09:44,642 A meat bowl. 176 00:09:47,150 --> 00:09:49,670 - How does he do it? 177 00:09:49,670 --> 00:09:52,880 - So school education falling behind. 178 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:55,746 Why did student eat homework? 179 00:09:55,746 --> 00:09:57,070 Teacher told him piece of cake. 180 00:09:57,070 --> 00:09:59,820 Did you hear the one about the rebel's secrets? 181 00:09:59,820 --> 00:10:01,170 - What do you want, Dave? 182 00:10:01,170 --> 00:10:02,030 - Hi Lambkin. 183 00:10:03,666 --> 00:10:06,530 - Lambkin? What is that, some kind of furry thing? 184 00:10:06,530 --> 00:10:10,790 - Um, it's Shakespeare, I think, but anyway, 185 00:10:10,790 --> 00:10:11,630 thanks for calling me. 186 00:10:11,630 --> 00:10:15,660 - Well after 37 test messages, I thought I should. 187 00:10:15,660 --> 00:10:17,900 That's getting a little high maintenance. 188 00:10:17,900 --> 00:10:18,870 - I miss you. 189 00:10:18,870 --> 00:10:20,480 I'm so excited for next weekend. 190 00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:22,230 - What's this weekend? 191 00:10:22,230 --> 00:10:26,300 - I thought, well, you're driving in from Colorado. 192 00:10:26,300 --> 00:10:28,070 - Oh, uh... 193 00:10:28,070 --> 00:10:30,730 Sorry, I can't come. 194 00:10:30,730 --> 00:10:32,023 Work stuff. 195 00:10:32,921 --> 00:10:34,040 - Hey sweetie, hey baby, 196 00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:34,873 hey sweetie. 197 00:10:35,810 --> 00:10:36,910 I got low blood sugar. 198 00:10:39,170 --> 00:10:40,760 - Who's that? 199 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:43,290 - That's my brother, Hank. 200 00:10:43,290 --> 00:10:44,123 - You have a brother? 201 00:10:44,123 --> 00:10:46,700 - Yeah, his name is Hank. 202 00:10:46,700 --> 00:10:47,830 - Um... 203 00:10:47,830 --> 00:10:49,421 - Hey baby. 204 00:10:49,421 --> 00:10:50,422 - Just a second. 205 00:10:50,422 --> 00:10:51,420 I'm coming. 206 00:10:51,420 --> 00:10:52,260 - Hi Hank! 207 00:10:52,260 --> 00:10:53,810 - Dave, I gotta go but, 208 00:10:53,810 --> 00:10:56,060 hey, I'm getting my head shots redone this month, 209 00:10:56,060 --> 00:10:58,208 so I'm gonna need an extra 100 from you. 210 00:10:58,208 --> 00:10:59,930 - OK. 211 00:10:59,930 --> 00:11:01,170 - Love you, Dave. 212 00:11:01,170 --> 00:11:04,910 You're the kindest, warmest, bravest, 213 00:11:04,910 --> 00:11:07,210 most wonderful human being I've ever known 214 00:11:07,210 --> 00:11:08,653 in my life, bye! 215 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:23,883 - So, before my cousin got disappeared, 216 00:11:25,350 --> 00:11:27,467 he played tennis like this. 217 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,022 - Hi Becks! Here. 218 00:11:37,022 --> 00:11:38,050 - Hi Dave. 219 00:11:38,050 --> 00:11:39,820 - Hey listen, I've got a few ideas. 220 00:11:39,820 --> 00:11:41,680 I was hoping I could workshop those with you. 221 00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:42,513 - Sure. 222 00:11:44,342 --> 00:11:47,140 - OK so, I've been meaning to make some changes 223 00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:49,520 to my Hitler routine. 224 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:51,710 Didn't really get as many laughs as I wanted last night. 225 00:11:51,710 --> 00:11:52,853 - I can't imagine why. 226 00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:56,520 - Uh yeah, I've been doing some research about 227 00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:57,400 Eva Braun Hitler. 228 00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:58,380 They had a dog! 229 00:11:58,380 --> 00:12:01,160 - I'm not sure expanding the Hitler bit is the way 230 00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:03,160 to go, Dave. 231 00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:06,070 - Becks, there's four pillars of comedy. 232 00:12:06,070 --> 00:12:10,023 Slapstick, farce, satire, and then ya got Hitler. 233 00:12:11,039 --> 00:12:14,760 - While there's a case to be made, Dave, 234 00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:16,900 you need to relax, forget the Hitler bit, 235 00:12:16,900 --> 00:12:19,904 gettin' too intense, relax. 236 00:12:19,904 --> 00:12:20,740 - Yeah, OK. 237 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:23,083 OK, I'll just relax. 238 00:12:23,083 --> 00:12:24,870 Just gotta relax, just relax! 239 00:12:24,870 --> 00:12:27,130 I just gotta relax, right? - Dear God, short circuit. 240 00:12:27,130 --> 00:12:28,240 - You're gonna overheat. 241 00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:32,523 Listen! Humor is not a science, it's an art. 242 00:12:32,523 --> 00:12:35,410 It comes from uh... 243 00:12:45,290 --> 00:12:46,123 within. 244 00:12:47,270 --> 00:12:50,450 - Yeah OK, says the girl who won Hayesville's 245 00:12:50,450 --> 00:12:53,140 Little Miss Charmer Pageant by accident 246 00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:55,661 when she got lost at the carnival 247 00:12:55,661 --> 00:12:56,840 and just wandered on stage. 248 00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:59,600 Ya know, your midichlorian count is off the chart. 249 00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,330 I don't have the gifts that you have. 250 00:13:01,330 --> 00:13:03,003 - I put the work in. 251 00:13:03,003 --> 00:13:03,903 I do. - OK, sure. 252 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:07,873 - Who was that? 253 00:13:07,873 --> 00:13:09,600 - Bethany, no, Brenda! 254 00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:11,263 Uh, Bethany, definitely Bethany. 255 00:13:12,570 --> 00:13:15,070 - OK, I thought you didn't go out last night. 256 00:13:15,070 --> 00:13:16,641 - We met at Wal-Mart. 257 00:13:16,641 --> 00:13:17,558 - Wal-Mart? 258 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,100 - So, are you a famous comedian too? 259 00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:28,210 - Oh yeah, well no, I'm Dave. 260 00:13:28,210 --> 00:13:29,980 - Dave is struggling with his act 261 00:13:29,980 --> 00:13:32,020 and came over for some advice. 262 00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:34,409 - OK, I wouldn't say struggling. 263 00:13:34,409 --> 00:13:36,490 - Hey, I have a joke for your failing act. 264 00:13:36,490 --> 00:13:38,120 Do you wanna hear it? 265 00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:39,500 - Yeah, yeah, I guess so. 266 00:13:39,500 --> 00:13:42,010 - So, when I was in college, I was in a band 267 00:13:42,010 --> 00:13:45,326 and it was called The Hermeneutic of Discontinuity, 268 00:13:45,326 --> 00:13:48,185 but we had to change it to The Hermeneutic of Continuity 269 00:13:48,185 --> 00:13:52,043 because the other way was like, way too depressing. 270 00:13:55,049 --> 00:13:56,190 - I don't get it. 271 00:13:56,190 --> 00:13:57,090 - What's a Hermeneutic? 272 00:13:57,090 --> 00:13:59,040 - So, a Hermeneutic is a systematic way 273 00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:00,260 of looking at things. 274 00:14:00,260 --> 00:14:02,780 See, there's like two different schools of thought 275 00:14:02,780 --> 00:14:04,670 when it comes to the history of the church. 276 00:14:04,670 --> 00:14:07,720 One, that the traditions have continued unchanged 277 00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:10,380 from the beginning to now and the other is that 278 00:14:10,380 --> 00:14:12,601 at some point, there was a break in continuity 279 00:14:12,601 --> 00:14:15,710 and so the church was lost along the way, 280 00:14:15,710 --> 00:14:19,800 so you can see why it's funny and depressing. 281 00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:22,240 - Uh yeah, OK. 282 00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:24,730 - I guess it's a theologians joke. 283 00:14:24,730 --> 00:14:26,210 It was funny in seminary. 284 00:14:26,210 --> 00:14:27,043 - I love it. 285 00:14:27,043 --> 00:14:28,497 - So wait, what do you do? 286 00:14:28,497 --> 00:14:30,320 - I'm a youth minister. 287 00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:31,153 - Really? 288 00:14:31,153 --> 00:14:33,065 - Unitarian, Dave. 289 00:14:33,065 --> 00:14:35,443 - Yeah, yeah, that makes more sense. 290 00:14:35,443 --> 00:14:36,610 - And boy, was I converted last night! 291 00:14:36,610 --> 00:14:38,920 Creature in the streets, sinner in the sheets, am I right? 292 00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:40,910 - More like Monophysite in the streets 293 00:14:40,910 --> 00:14:42,900 and Abyssinia in the sheets. 294 00:14:42,900 --> 00:14:44,010 - Sure. 295 00:14:44,010 --> 00:14:48,500 Dave here is also having trouble in the romance department. 296 00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:49,530 - Becks. 297 00:14:49,530 --> 00:14:52,780 - Dave, it's OK if you have a small penis. 298 00:14:52,780 --> 00:14:53,613 It really is. 299 00:14:53,613 --> 00:14:56,730 I once rode a beenie weenie like a cowgirl 300 00:14:56,730 --> 00:14:58,601 all the way into the sunset. 301 00:14:58,601 --> 00:14:59,822 - Yeehaw! 302 00:14:59,822 --> 00:15:01,542 - No, listen, I don't have a, that-- 303 00:15:01,542 --> 00:15:03,840 - Nah, he just has a lousy long distance girlfriend 304 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:07,240 who thinks Skype sex is porn-y. 305 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,680 She also says old timers instead of Alzheimer's. 306 00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:11,140 - OK, she did that twice. 307 00:15:11,140 --> 00:15:12,570 - One was at your grandmother's funeral. 308 00:15:12,570 --> 00:15:14,870 - Yeah, it was appropriate in context. 309 00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:17,280 - She also says that bopping the bologna is the 310 00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:19,320 same thing as cheating, so Dave here has been living 311 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:21,440 like a Mormon missionary for the past six months. 312 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:23,830 I caught him caressing a Mrs. Butterworth bottle 313 00:15:23,830 --> 00:15:26,320 in a very suggestive way the other day. 314 00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:27,850 It made an awkward breakfast. 315 00:15:27,850 --> 00:15:31,530 - OK, you know that I have a 316 00:15:31,530 --> 00:15:34,150 deep affection for maple syrup. 317 00:15:34,150 --> 00:15:35,230 - Who doesn't? 318 00:15:35,230 --> 00:15:36,406 - Dave, 319 00:15:36,406 --> 00:15:38,960 remember when you were five years old 320 00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:40,830 and you'd play naked in the sandbox? 321 00:15:40,830 --> 00:15:44,770 You got that grain of sand lodged in your wee wee? 322 00:15:44,770 --> 00:15:47,340 - Yeah, I remember. 323 00:15:47,340 --> 00:15:49,590 I wish you wouldn't talk about that so often. 324 00:15:49,590 --> 00:15:52,140 - Remember how your wee wee hurt so bad 325 00:15:52,140 --> 00:15:53,700 but you didn't wanna tell your Mom? 326 00:15:53,700 --> 00:15:55,160 You remember that, Dave? 327 00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:56,340 - Yeah. 328 00:15:56,340 --> 00:15:58,660 Can you stop saying wee wee? 329 00:15:58,660 --> 00:16:00,130 - And remember what I said? 330 00:16:00,130 --> 00:16:02,567 I said, "Dave, you gotta tell your Mom 331 00:16:02,567 --> 00:16:04,187 "about the sand in your wee wee 332 00:16:04,187 --> 00:16:05,800 "so the doctor can get it out." 333 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:07,460 Remember that Dave? 334 00:16:07,460 --> 00:16:08,650 - Yeah. 335 00:16:08,650 --> 00:16:10,410 - And what happened? You listened to me. 336 00:16:10,410 --> 00:16:11,680 You listened to my advice. 337 00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:13,380 And the doctor fixed your wee wee. 338 00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:16,330 - Is there a point to this story? 339 00:16:16,330 --> 00:16:19,010 - The point is, Dave, that since that day, 340 00:16:19,010 --> 00:16:22,880 I have developed a sense of personal responsibility 341 00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:25,898 for the well-being of your wee wee. 342 00:16:25,898 --> 00:16:28,260 - You know, we adult males prefer the term penis. 343 00:16:28,260 --> 00:16:32,371 - Well, sorry, I'm protective of your penis, Dave, 344 00:16:32,371 --> 00:16:35,670 but I think Sarah is bad for the little fella. 345 00:16:35,670 --> 00:16:38,510 There, I've said it and I'd say it again. 346 00:16:38,510 --> 00:16:42,240 I mean, you can't even fly the bishop occasionally. 347 00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:44,559 I mean, come on, I'm at a loss for words. 348 00:16:44,559 --> 00:16:49,060 - Oh jeez, you know, I know you look out for me 349 00:16:49,060 --> 00:16:51,195 and you always have, but, 350 00:16:51,195 --> 00:16:56,040 Sarah is just so far out of my league 351 00:16:56,040 --> 00:17:00,140 and ya know, I know she's a little moody sometimes but, 352 00:17:00,140 --> 00:17:01,720 isn't that how all women are? 353 00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:03,470 - Shrieking banshees? 354 00:17:03,470 --> 00:17:05,570 - You know, sometimes, I do wail outside of 355 00:17:05,570 --> 00:17:07,250 Mrs. Fernelli's apartment. 356 00:17:07,250 --> 00:17:09,310 Sorry, that's completely unrelated. 357 00:17:09,310 --> 00:17:11,110 You know, girls just wanna have fun. 358 00:17:11,970 --> 00:17:13,359 - This Red Bull? 359 00:17:13,359 --> 00:17:14,510 - Yeah. 360 00:17:14,510 --> 00:17:15,960 - Shots, shots, shots! 361 00:17:17,978 --> 00:17:20,024 It's so cool that Yuk's let you take home alcohol. 362 00:17:20,024 --> 00:17:23,981 - I love bachelor parties! 363 00:17:23,981 --> 00:17:25,064 Perrier, woo! 364 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:28,070 - Me too, I can't wait til we go to the bar. 365 00:17:28,070 --> 00:17:31,101 Hey, I made cinnamon toast friend shots. 366 00:17:31,101 --> 00:17:35,290 - I'm allergic to cinnamon. 367 00:17:35,290 --> 00:17:37,993 I could sue you for attempting murder. 368 00:17:38,878 --> 00:17:41,362 - I would not attempt murder, my bestie! 369 00:17:41,362 --> 00:17:42,445 How dare you! 370 00:17:43,576 --> 00:17:45,821 - So sorry I'm late. 371 00:17:45,821 --> 00:17:47,440 - Allison! 372 00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:49,370 - It's Lilly's turn to be married this week. 373 00:17:49,370 --> 00:17:51,130 - I'm marrying a Hungarian prince 374 00:17:51,130 --> 00:17:53,700 and I'm looking for one last fling. 375 00:17:53,700 --> 00:17:54,763 Bring on the boys! 376 00:17:56,381 --> 00:17:57,380 Sit down, biatch. 377 00:17:58,710 --> 00:18:01,497 - Um, sure biatch, 378 00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:04,300 but I have to use the little girls room first. 379 00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:05,650 Do you have any ginger ale? 380 00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:09,950 Or a shot of 151? 381 00:18:09,950 --> 00:18:11,000 - Yes! - Yes, bitch! 382 00:18:16,270 --> 00:18:18,980 - Just looking at her breaks my heart. 383 00:18:18,980 --> 00:18:21,210 - It's not her fault she looks so homely. 384 00:18:21,210 --> 00:18:25,550 It's bad genetics and the wrathful hand of God. 385 00:18:25,550 --> 00:18:28,270 - Oh, I mean, it's been almost exactly one year 386 00:18:28,270 --> 00:18:29,770 since the incident. 387 00:18:29,770 --> 00:18:31,080 - Oh my gee, what incident? 388 00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:34,130 - So, she told me her boyfriend broke up with her 389 00:18:34,130 --> 00:18:37,240 last Christmas and immediately was gorged to death 390 00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:38,773 by an escaped bull. 391 00:18:39,610 --> 00:18:40,930 - Oh my God. 392 00:18:40,930 --> 00:18:42,340 Why'd he break up with her? 393 00:18:42,340 --> 00:18:44,740 I mean, besides the obvious? 394 00:18:44,740 --> 00:18:47,759 - I guess being average looking on the inside isn't enough. 395 00:18:47,759 --> 00:18:51,680 For some people, it is, mostly poors. 396 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:55,180 - It's not their fault, poor filthy saps. 397 00:19:00,984 --> 00:19:01,817 You know her cat, Cocoa? 398 00:19:01,817 --> 00:19:03,160 - So cute. 399 00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:04,722 - He's not even rescued. 400 00:19:05,555 --> 00:19:07,090 - That's an offense equal to genocide! 401 00:19:07,090 --> 00:19:08,275 - I know. 402 00:19:08,275 --> 00:19:09,108 So cute. 403 00:19:09,108 --> 00:19:09,941 - So cute. 404 00:19:09,941 --> 00:19:10,838 - So cute. 405 00:19:10,838 --> 00:19:12,550 - Tell Brian he has to move back the deadline. 406 00:19:12,550 --> 00:19:14,780 I'm really onto something now and I think these girls 407 00:19:14,780 --> 00:19:17,330 have finally accepted me as one of their own. 408 00:19:17,330 --> 00:19:18,883 I need more time. 409 00:19:20,396 --> 00:19:23,600 Ugh, it's Allison! 410 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:25,660 Put me in your contacts! 411 00:19:25,660 --> 00:19:28,000 - I just feel so bad. 412 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,273 People being alone and unattractive. 413 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:32,160 - What can we do, Jane? 414 00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:34,719 I mean, we're not magic. 415 00:19:34,719 --> 00:19:38,230 - Lilly! We could get her a Christmas boyfriend! 416 00:19:38,230 --> 00:19:39,940 - Oh em gee, I've been trying to break into 417 00:19:39,940 --> 00:19:42,440 charity work for so long, but every time I go down 418 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:45,300 to the soup kitchen, it's like hella surrounded 419 00:19:45,300 --> 00:19:46,510 by homeless people. 420 00:19:46,510 --> 00:19:47,870 - That's exactly what she needs, 421 00:19:47,870 --> 00:19:50,060 a pure connection with another human being. 422 00:19:50,060 --> 00:19:52,504 - What? She needs dick? 423 00:19:52,504 --> 00:19:56,070 A big old honkin' johnson? 424 00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:57,690 - Size doesn't matter. 425 00:19:57,690 --> 00:20:01,464 What matters is bad vision and a lack of self respect. 426 00:20:01,464 --> 00:20:03,803 - I bet. 427 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:05,973 I bet! 428 00:20:07,590 --> 00:20:09,030 That's fire. 429 00:20:09,030 --> 00:20:11,813 Belinda's pool party is gonna be fire. 430 00:20:28,900 --> 00:20:32,223 - So, anybody in here watch Judge Judy? 431 00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:34,580 What about you? 432 00:20:34,580 --> 00:20:36,381 You look divorced. 433 00:20:39,434 --> 00:20:41,300 - Oh hey, Sarah. 434 00:20:41,300 --> 00:20:42,910 Make your good lucks and break a legs quick. 435 00:20:42,910 --> 00:20:44,970 I'm going on stage in a couple minutes. 436 00:20:44,970 --> 00:20:48,540 - You're charging me $50 as a consultation fee 437 00:20:48,540 --> 00:20:50,230 just to taste the cake? 438 00:20:50,230 --> 00:20:52,780 You realize I'm going to buy an entire cake from you 439 00:20:52,780 --> 00:20:54,880 and I still have to pay just to decide 440 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:56,383 which shitty cake I want? 441 00:20:57,670 --> 00:20:58,503 - Sarah? 442 00:20:58,503 --> 00:21:00,530 - Dave, hey, I have to make this quick. 443 00:21:00,530 --> 00:21:01,363 Two things. 444 00:21:01,363 --> 00:21:03,410 First, I changed the Netflix password. 445 00:21:03,410 --> 00:21:05,510 I just don't like the idea of you being able 446 00:21:05,510 --> 00:21:07,600 to see every single movie that I watch. 447 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:10,170 It feels like an invasion of privacy. 448 00:21:10,170 --> 00:21:11,810 - You changed my Netflix password? 449 00:21:11,810 --> 00:21:15,850 - Second, I think we should stop doing this. 450 00:21:15,850 --> 00:21:17,030 - This? 451 00:21:17,030 --> 00:21:17,903 - Dating? 452 00:21:19,279 --> 00:21:22,320 - Well, I don't-- 453 00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:24,420 - I'm breaking up with you, Dave. 454 00:21:24,420 --> 00:21:26,770 I think we should start seeing and sleeping 455 00:21:26,770 --> 00:21:29,114 with other people, well I will. 456 00:21:29,114 --> 00:21:33,620 You can keep doing your dungeons and dalmations. 457 00:21:33,620 --> 00:21:36,610 - But darling, sugar, 458 00:21:36,610 --> 00:21:39,150 sweet stuff, happy dust-- 459 00:21:39,150 --> 00:21:41,590 - You're just using other words for cocaine. 460 00:21:41,590 --> 00:21:43,590 - You're my cocaine, I love you! 461 00:21:43,590 --> 00:21:45,720 - Ugh, gross. 462 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:48,650 Dave, I'm a lady, and when someone comes around 463 00:21:48,650 --> 00:21:52,480 and puts a $10,000 hunk of rock on my finger, 464 00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:55,343 I don't exactly need my minute man from Kansas anymore. 465 00:21:57,213 --> 00:21:58,800 - Wow, that's beautiful. 466 00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:00,410 Did your Gaga leave that for you? 467 00:22:00,410 --> 00:22:01,990 - Red velvet. 468 00:22:01,990 --> 00:22:03,610 It's chocolate with food coloring. 469 00:22:03,610 --> 00:22:06,150 It's not that hard to figure out. 470 00:22:06,150 --> 00:22:08,217 - Oh, you look beautiful baby. 471 00:22:08,217 --> 00:22:10,173 - Thanks baby. 472 00:22:11,380 --> 00:22:12,870 - Hank? 473 00:22:12,870 --> 00:22:15,210 Wait, are you marrying your brother? 474 00:22:15,210 --> 00:22:16,970 Is that even legal in Colorado? 475 00:22:16,970 --> 00:22:19,310 - Anyway, thanks for everything, Dave. 476 00:22:19,310 --> 00:22:22,020 Never call me again. 477 00:22:22,020 --> 00:22:23,840 - Well, maybe we can talk through this. 478 00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:26,094 - Goodbye Dave. 479 00:22:32,620 --> 00:22:35,978 - So, you ever like, put on a turtleneck 480 00:22:35,978 --> 00:22:37,413 and you're like, damn it! 481 00:22:40,717 --> 00:22:43,470 Alright, that's the end of my set, everybody. 482 00:22:43,470 --> 00:22:44,700 I'm Becks. 483 00:22:44,700 --> 00:22:48,058 Up next is our old buddy Dave. 484 00:22:52,190 --> 00:22:55,003 - So uh, Hitler. 485 00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:58,610 You know, the best thing about Hitler wasn't his mustache, 486 00:22:58,610 --> 00:23:01,003 but his girlfriend. 487 00:23:02,197 --> 00:23:04,507 You ever think Hitler was like, 488 00:23:04,507 --> 00:23:07,417 "Hey guys, this is my girlfriend Eva. 489 00:23:07,417 --> 00:23:12,027 "She can bend really, really far." 490 00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:14,413 They had a dog. 491 00:23:25,950 --> 00:23:28,970 So, I was in a band in college. 492 00:23:28,970 --> 00:23:31,460 We were called the Hermeneutic of Discontinuity 493 00:23:31,460 --> 00:23:33,920 and then we changed it to the Hermeneutic of Continuity 494 00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:37,130 because we thought the other one was just too depressing. 495 00:23:37,130 --> 00:23:37,963 - What? 496 00:23:38,980 --> 00:23:40,420 - Um, well, you see, 497 00:23:40,420 --> 00:23:43,600 there's two things in the church history. 498 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:45,210 - What is happening? 499 00:23:45,210 --> 00:23:46,340 - Get off the stage! 500 00:23:46,340 --> 00:23:49,210 - Oh, like you're so funny! 501 00:23:49,210 --> 00:23:50,590 Who's that? 502 00:23:50,590 --> 00:23:52,140 Oh let me guess, it's your sister? 503 00:23:52,140 --> 00:23:53,700 You guys should move to Colorado. 504 00:23:53,700 --> 00:23:55,270 - Can I top you off? 505 00:23:55,270 --> 00:23:57,130 - No, you may not take your top off! 506 00:23:57,130 --> 00:23:59,380 I'm sorry, I misheard you. 507 00:23:59,380 --> 00:24:01,860 Uh, don't let me interrupt. 508 00:24:01,860 --> 00:24:06,860 I don't wanna stop you from doing what makes you happy. 509 00:24:08,620 --> 00:24:13,065 So, go pour your drinks, carry your trays, 510 00:24:13,065 --> 00:24:17,397 go have sex with Hank in Boulder, Colorado. 511 00:24:17,397 --> 00:24:19,580 - What do you got against Colorado? 512 00:24:19,580 --> 00:24:22,250 - Well Edith, oh, may I call you Edith? 513 00:24:22,250 --> 00:24:24,975 What I have against Colorado is that it is the 514 00:24:24,975 --> 00:24:29,975 flaky scab of the whole United States. 515 00:24:30,110 --> 00:24:34,175 It is where evil people live and where relationships 516 00:24:34,175 --> 00:24:36,317 go to die! 517 00:24:42,715 --> 00:24:44,490 - I don't really write any of my sets. 518 00:24:44,490 --> 00:24:47,050 I think they're just coming and I don't know 519 00:24:47,050 --> 00:24:48,690 how I do it, really. 520 00:24:48,690 --> 00:24:50,623 - That is so cool. 521 00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:53,810 - You know, I'm having a Christmas party this Friday. 522 00:24:53,810 --> 00:24:55,523 You should totally come. 523 00:24:55,523 --> 00:24:57,140 - A Christmas party? 524 00:24:57,140 --> 00:25:00,030 I make a really great homemade eggnog with 525 00:25:00,030 --> 00:25:02,480 yak's milk and hand ground cinnamon. 526 00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:05,860 - That sounds great Byron, you should email me the recipe. 527 00:25:05,860 --> 00:25:07,030 - Did you see my set? 528 00:25:07,030 --> 00:25:09,650 - Uh no, I was talking to Ariella here. 529 00:25:09,650 --> 00:25:12,410 - It was the worst five minutes of my entire life. 530 00:25:12,410 --> 00:25:13,490 It was terrible. 531 00:25:13,490 --> 00:25:15,660 Well, it was the second worst. 532 00:25:15,660 --> 00:25:18,370 - Dave, I've just been informed that that elderly patron 533 00:25:18,370 --> 00:25:20,500 whose business you were all up in, 534 00:25:20,500 --> 00:25:22,920 well we will never be getting her business again. 535 00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:24,309 You wanna know why? 536 00:25:24,309 --> 00:25:27,510 - Because she complained and stormed out. 537 00:25:27,510 --> 00:25:29,330 She's mad? 538 00:25:29,330 --> 00:25:31,750 - No, she's dead, Dave. 539 00:25:31,750 --> 00:25:33,180 Heart attack. 540 00:25:33,180 --> 00:25:35,072 You're fired. 541 00:25:35,072 --> 00:25:36,830 - Byron! 542 00:25:36,830 --> 00:25:41,010 - But before you go, I need you to scrape the tampons 543 00:25:41,010 --> 00:25:42,623 off the ladies restroom walls. 544 00:25:44,780 --> 00:25:46,510 - I deserve that. 545 00:25:46,510 --> 00:25:47,860 - See you in two. 546 00:25:49,070 --> 00:25:49,903 - Dave! 547 00:26:32,210 --> 00:26:34,690 - Wearing a hole in my floor will not make life any better. 548 00:26:34,690 --> 00:26:36,110 - What life? 549 00:26:36,110 --> 00:26:36,943 Ya know? 550 00:26:36,943 --> 00:26:39,923 Everything has turned to dust. 551 00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:43,690 Hey, do you have any sackcloth? 552 00:26:43,690 --> 00:26:45,610 You know, they're always talking about sackcloth 553 00:26:45,610 --> 00:26:46,747 in the nasty bits of the bible? 554 00:26:46,747 --> 00:26:48,090 - Ew, you read the bible? 555 00:26:48,090 --> 00:26:48,923 - Yeah. 556 00:26:55,030 --> 00:26:57,640 - Oh, this is Brandy. 557 00:26:57,640 --> 00:26:58,473 - Brittney. 558 00:26:58,473 --> 00:26:59,860 - Brittney, we met last night. 559 00:26:59,860 --> 00:27:01,730 She was dumpster diving behind my whole booth. 560 00:27:01,730 --> 00:27:03,337 - Jesus! 561 00:27:03,337 --> 00:27:04,358 - Don't be a dick. 562 00:27:04,358 --> 00:27:06,179 - I am having an existential crisis right now. 563 00:27:06,179 --> 00:27:07,720 You know, I need some council. 564 00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:08,553 Becks. 565 00:27:09,410 --> 00:27:11,290 - Whatever you can say to me, 566 00:27:11,290 --> 00:27:13,256 you can say in front of Bettany. 567 00:27:13,256 --> 00:27:14,910 - Brittney. 568 00:27:14,910 --> 00:27:17,870 - Brittney, so let's start wrestling with your issues. 569 00:27:17,870 --> 00:27:19,120 What is it that you need, Dave? 570 00:27:19,120 --> 00:27:22,579 - Well, first of all, a less sympathetic ear, ya know? 571 00:27:22,579 --> 00:27:25,459 Maybe a little human intimacy? 572 00:27:25,459 --> 00:27:27,760 Someone to make a connection with? 573 00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:29,150 - You need to get laid. 574 00:27:29,150 --> 00:27:31,030 - No, it's more than that. 575 00:27:31,030 --> 00:27:34,020 - You need a kickstart to get you outta this slump. 576 00:27:34,020 --> 00:27:36,100 - You need an existential blow to your loins. 577 00:27:36,100 --> 00:27:37,490 - You need a girlfriend. 578 00:27:37,490 --> 00:27:39,870 - No, no, I'm terrible at talking to girls. 579 00:27:39,870 --> 00:27:41,690 You know the only reason I chatted up Sarah 580 00:27:41,690 --> 00:27:43,360 was because we were trapped in an elevator. 581 00:27:43,360 --> 00:27:44,600 - Well that's it then. 582 00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:46,558 We can just disable an elevator. 583 00:27:46,558 --> 00:27:49,250 Or we could have a party. 584 00:27:49,250 --> 00:27:50,760 - That's it, my Christmas party. 585 00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:53,410 I can simply lose any invitation that isn't for a 586 00:27:53,410 --> 00:27:56,290 conventionally attractive young woman with loose morals. 587 00:27:56,290 --> 00:27:57,440 - You're a Gemini right? 588 00:27:57,440 --> 00:27:59,459 - I think so. 589 00:27:59,459 --> 00:28:00,377 How do you know that? 590 00:28:00,377 --> 00:28:02,020 - Ah, this is perfect. 591 00:28:02,020 --> 00:28:03,880 You have to have this party tomorrow night. 592 00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:05,350 The stars will be aligned. 593 00:28:05,350 --> 00:28:07,740 Engage in coitous as the midnight hour strikes. 594 00:28:07,740 --> 00:28:08,730 - Tomorrow night? 595 00:28:08,730 --> 00:28:11,130 I need a little more time to heal. 596 00:28:11,130 --> 00:28:13,800 Ya know, I'm not exactly Ric Flair in the wooing department. 597 00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:15,620 - There's gonna be alcohol there, Dave. 598 00:28:15,620 --> 00:28:17,030 Everyone's more charming after a couple drinks. 599 00:28:17,030 --> 00:28:19,760 Bring that VHS of the Russian comedian guy 600 00:28:19,760 --> 00:28:20,860 that you're in love with. 601 00:28:20,860 --> 00:28:23,360 - I'm terrible at parties and it's the last known 602 00:28:23,360 --> 00:28:24,840 recording of him in existence. 603 00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:27,960 So I don't really just whip it out all willy nilly. 604 00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:28,870 - Come to the party, Dave. 605 00:28:28,870 --> 00:28:29,703 Drink a little. 606 00:28:30,659 --> 00:28:32,393 You'll have some fun and if you meet the love of your life 607 00:28:32,393 --> 00:28:33,690 and make me the best woman at your wedding, 608 00:28:33,690 --> 00:28:34,949 this is a plus. 609 00:28:34,949 --> 00:28:36,680 - It takes me hours to get comfortable. 610 00:28:36,680 --> 00:28:38,740 I forget how to stand. 611 00:28:38,740 --> 00:28:40,410 I just ugh, I can't. 612 00:28:40,410 --> 00:28:42,520 - You need to let loose, alright? 613 00:28:42,520 --> 00:28:43,503 You're too careful. 614 00:28:44,430 --> 00:28:45,566 You play it too safe. 615 00:28:45,566 --> 00:28:46,420 You need to wake up naked in the Home Depot 616 00:28:46,420 --> 00:28:47,860 parking lot covered in mustard. 617 00:28:47,860 --> 00:28:49,240 - Been there. 618 00:28:49,240 --> 00:28:50,073 - Thanks. 619 00:28:50,920 --> 00:28:51,780 - You're coming and you're bringing 620 00:28:51,780 --> 00:28:52,870 your best quips with you. 621 00:28:52,870 --> 00:28:55,370 You're smart, funny, handsome, you can recite 622 00:28:55,370 --> 00:28:56,630 all of Ghostbusters by heart. 623 00:28:56,630 --> 00:28:58,590 - Yeah, do you think my photographic memory 624 00:28:58,590 --> 00:29:00,450 will help me win some ladies? 625 00:29:00,450 --> 00:29:01,860 - It has to eventually, right? 626 00:29:01,860 --> 00:29:03,620 Come to the party Dave. 627 00:29:03,620 --> 00:29:04,453 - I don't know, I'll think about it. 628 00:29:04,453 --> 00:29:05,286 - You'll do it! 629 00:29:05,286 --> 00:29:07,603 - Fine, let me go so I can go to the bathroom. 630 00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:13,421 - I have a plan, slightly extreme. 631 00:29:13,421 --> 00:29:15,460 - This man needs an extreme plan. 632 00:29:15,460 --> 00:29:17,170 - Our goal is to keep the maximum number 633 00:29:17,170 --> 00:29:19,230 of supple young women with promiscuous tendencies 634 00:29:19,230 --> 00:29:21,840 at this party location for as long as possible. 635 00:29:21,840 --> 00:29:25,220 To do this, we one, we move your car, 636 00:29:25,220 --> 00:29:27,200 take it to the mall, say it's at the shop. 637 00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:29,120 We cannot have an alternative means of escape. 638 00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:30,640 - We can do a sweet and roll over the hood. 639 00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:33,030 - Two, cut off all the communication the cell phone. 640 00:29:33,030 --> 00:29:34,418 I'll bring mine from home. 641 00:29:34,418 --> 00:29:37,282 Three, we disable any means of transportation. 642 00:29:37,282 --> 00:29:39,580 While you distract them with an engaging tale 643 00:29:39,580 --> 00:29:41,260 of misadventure, I'll sneak out 644 00:29:41,260 --> 00:29:42,770 and render their cars non-functional. 645 00:29:42,770 --> 00:29:45,098 - We can make out in the back seat. 646 00:29:46,510 --> 00:29:49,290 - Four, ensure the weather is inhospitable 647 00:29:49,290 --> 00:29:50,230 for them to walk out. 648 00:29:50,230 --> 00:29:52,238 I'll use my cult knowledge 649 00:29:52,238 --> 00:29:53,360 to summon the snow goddess, Chione. 650 00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:55,340 Five, Dave uses his latent charms 651 00:29:55,340 --> 00:29:56,770 and best quips to get the girl 652 00:29:56,770 --> 00:29:58,063 and fulfill his destiny. 653 00:29:58,999 --> 00:29:59,999 - I like it. 654 00:30:05,410 --> 00:30:07,520 - So, what's up? 655 00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:09,730 - Nothing, the party of your life. 656 00:30:09,730 --> 00:30:11,020 I gotta make some calls. 657 00:30:11,020 --> 00:30:12,573 - You didn't wash your hands. 658 00:30:13,990 --> 00:30:14,823 - Sorry. 659 00:30:43,912 --> 00:30:45,010 - I feel like I've been scraped 660 00:30:45,010 --> 00:30:46,920 at the bottom of a shit farm. 661 00:30:49,021 --> 00:30:50,940 - I just don't understand. 662 00:30:50,940 --> 00:30:54,450 I called 37 guys last night. 663 00:30:54,450 --> 00:30:57,110 None of them will take Allison out. 664 00:30:57,110 --> 00:30:59,507 I've tried Tindr, Grinder, Snapchat, 665 00:31:01,357 --> 00:31:06,357 akumenang.com 666 00:31:07,890 --> 00:31:10,280 - I called all my ex boyfriends, 667 00:31:10,280 --> 00:31:12,390 all of my old teachers, 668 00:31:12,390 --> 00:31:15,080 that one blind guy, 669 00:31:15,080 --> 00:31:18,120 and nothing, no luck. 670 00:31:18,120 --> 00:31:20,621 - We need a miracle. 671 00:31:22,960 --> 00:31:23,793 - Hello? 672 00:31:24,700 --> 00:31:25,590 Hello? 673 00:31:25,590 --> 00:31:27,079 - Lilly! 674 00:31:27,079 --> 00:31:27,912 - Oh, hi Becks, what's up? 675 00:31:27,912 --> 00:31:28,760 - Lilly, I need you. 676 00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:31,190 - Well, it's always fun to check different waters 677 00:31:31,190 --> 00:31:32,480 from time to time. 678 00:31:32,480 --> 00:31:33,890 When do you want me over? 679 00:31:33,890 --> 00:31:35,477 - Well that's excellent information to know, 680 00:31:35,477 --> 00:31:38,410 but the purpose of my call entails your long list 681 00:31:38,410 --> 00:31:40,621 of cute straight girl contacts. 682 00:31:40,621 --> 00:31:41,677 - What? 683 00:31:41,677 --> 00:31:42,620 - I'm having a party tomorrow night. 684 00:31:42,620 --> 00:31:44,550 You and your friends can come. 685 00:31:44,550 --> 00:31:48,340 - Becks, you know how I feel about parties. 686 00:31:48,340 --> 00:31:49,837 - Right, you know how to party. 687 00:31:49,837 --> 00:31:51,050 You know, they still haven't found that guy? 688 00:31:51,050 --> 00:31:52,660 Anyway, I know this is last minute, 689 00:31:52,660 --> 00:31:54,080 but do you think you can round up some cute girls 690 00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:55,070 for tomorrow night? 691 00:31:55,070 --> 00:31:57,441 I got over-excited and ordered over $100 of smoked salmon, 692 00:31:57,441 --> 00:31:59,681 so the date's pretty set. 693 00:31:59,681 --> 00:32:03,170 - Well that sounds really fun and all. 694 00:32:03,170 --> 00:32:06,870 Is this gonna be an Ellen and Portia party? 695 00:32:06,870 --> 00:32:07,703 - A what now? 696 00:32:07,703 --> 00:32:10,230 - Are we gonna be listening to Tegan and Sara? 697 00:32:10,230 --> 00:32:13,970 Would Kristen Stewart feel at home there? 698 00:32:13,970 --> 00:32:15,743 - I don't understand. 699 00:32:16,817 --> 00:32:19,530 - Is this going to be a matoesque soiree? 700 00:32:19,530 --> 00:32:20,363 - Huh? 701 00:32:20,363 --> 00:32:23,860 - Will there be dicks there, biatch? 702 00:32:23,860 --> 00:32:25,360 - Oh yes! 703 00:32:25,360 --> 00:32:27,720 Buckets of cute boys! 704 00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:29,210 - That sounds like so much fun. 705 00:32:29,210 --> 00:32:32,220 Is it OK if I invite my ugly friend? 706 00:32:32,220 --> 00:32:33,823 - Sure, but not too many. 707 00:32:35,170 --> 00:32:36,253 - Sounds great! 708 00:32:44,260 --> 00:32:45,910 - This is gonna be a great party. 709 00:32:47,140 --> 00:32:48,670 And now Ted, my ex-wife is trying her hand 710 00:32:48,670 --> 00:32:49,780 at being a standup comedian. 711 00:32:49,780 --> 00:32:51,030 So speaking of things that aren't funny, 712 00:32:51,030 --> 00:32:53,230 this snow is certainly ruining a lot of commuter's day. 713 00:32:53,230 --> 00:32:56,059 Recorded snowfall is blanketed throughout the area. 714 00:33:52,260 --> 00:33:53,393 - I brought egg salad. 715 00:33:54,470 --> 00:33:55,630 - Right, it's almost party time. 716 00:33:55,630 --> 00:33:57,020 We feeling ready, feeling good? 717 00:33:57,020 --> 00:33:58,720 - Yeah, I'm ready, I guess. 718 00:33:58,720 --> 00:33:59,650 - I have all my supplies. 719 00:33:59,650 --> 00:34:01,280 Should we synchronize our watches? 720 00:34:01,280 --> 00:34:02,113 - What are you talking about? 721 00:34:02,113 --> 00:34:03,170 - She means party supplies. 722 00:34:03,170 --> 00:34:05,550 You know, corn chips, alcohol, Barry Manilow records, 723 00:34:05,550 --> 00:34:06,510 the works. 724 00:34:06,510 --> 00:34:07,610 - Whose house is this? 725 00:34:07,610 --> 00:34:08,550 Is this your house, Brittney? 726 00:34:08,550 --> 00:34:09,966 - It is now. 727 00:34:09,966 --> 00:34:10,799 - That's not important Dave. 728 00:34:10,799 --> 00:34:12,450 What's important is that we have a good time, 729 00:34:12,450 --> 00:34:14,620 cray it up, as I think the young people say. 730 00:34:14,620 --> 00:34:16,350 This is exactly what you need. 731 00:34:16,350 --> 00:34:18,526 And honestly, the less we know, 732 00:34:18,526 --> 00:34:20,170 the less our legal liability. 733 00:34:20,170 --> 00:34:21,130 - Becks. 734 00:34:21,130 --> 00:34:22,490 - This is what you need and I'm gonna give it to you 735 00:34:22,490 --> 00:34:23,756 good and hard. 736 00:34:23,756 --> 00:34:24,830 You take it like a man who takes things well. 737 00:34:24,830 --> 00:34:26,420 Do things that are legal in every state. 738 00:34:26,420 --> 00:34:28,910 Chug a bottle of sangria, jaywalk, kick a baby, 739 00:34:28,910 --> 00:34:31,350 kick out a jams tonight, you need to live it! 740 00:34:31,350 --> 00:34:32,820 Say it with me, I need to live it! 741 00:34:32,820 --> 00:34:34,605 - I need to live it. 742 00:34:34,605 --> 00:34:35,890 - I need to live it! 743 00:34:35,890 --> 00:34:37,142 - I will live it. 744 00:34:37,142 --> 00:34:38,147 - Live it! 745 00:34:38,147 --> 00:34:39,144 - I have to live it. 746 00:34:39,144 --> 00:34:39,977 - Live it! 747 00:34:39,977 --> 00:34:40,810 - Live it! 748 00:34:40,810 --> 00:34:41,643 - Live it. 749 00:34:41,643 --> 00:34:42,476 - Kill it! 750 00:34:42,476 --> 00:34:43,833 Like millennials are killing Applebee's. 751 00:34:44,666 --> 00:34:45,910 - OK quiet, we don't want them to think we're crazy. 752 00:34:45,910 --> 00:34:48,899 - Remember Dave, the labe is a jealous God. 753 00:34:48,899 --> 00:34:49,896 - The what? 754 00:34:49,896 --> 00:34:51,229 - A jealous God. 755 00:34:53,353 --> 00:34:54,670 - Who said jager bombs? 756 00:34:54,670 --> 00:34:55,810 - You invited Upchuck? 757 00:34:55,810 --> 00:34:57,240 - I love this guy! 758 00:34:57,240 --> 00:34:58,073 - Ho ho ho, my dude. 759 00:34:58,073 --> 00:34:59,130 - How are you feeling? 760 00:34:59,130 --> 00:35:01,574 - I'm on a strict diet of Percocet, 761 00:35:01,574 --> 00:35:04,800 Red Bull, and Bartons, a lot of Bartons. 762 00:35:04,800 --> 00:35:07,120 - Well, thank you for at least wearing a shirt. 763 00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:08,797 - Thanks, it's my sisters. 764 00:35:08,797 --> 00:35:10,197 I think it fits pretty nice. 765 00:35:14,536 --> 00:35:15,369 - Hey! 766 00:35:17,447 --> 00:35:20,310 - Jane, I haven't seen you since well, 767 00:35:20,310 --> 00:35:21,143 on the news. 768 00:35:21,143 --> 00:35:23,220 - That explosion was not my fault. 769 00:35:23,220 --> 00:35:25,576 We were trying to invent a new self-baking bread. 770 00:35:25,576 --> 00:35:28,530 Thomas Edison wasn't appreciated in his time either. 771 00:35:28,530 --> 00:35:30,830 - Right, so introductions, 772 00:35:30,830 --> 00:35:31,910 Dave, Brittney. 773 00:35:31,910 --> 00:35:33,190 - Brittney. 774 00:35:33,190 --> 00:35:35,430 Oh wait yes, Brittney, Brittney. 775 00:35:35,430 --> 00:35:36,370 - Brittney. 776 00:35:36,370 --> 00:35:37,870 Lilly, you know Dave from the club. 777 00:35:37,870 --> 00:35:39,380 And this is Jane. 778 00:35:39,380 --> 00:35:41,120 - Sorry, hello. 779 00:35:41,120 --> 00:35:42,533 - And Allison. 780 00:35:44,250 --> 00:35:47,090 - Right so, I got 38 bottles of 781 00:35:47,090 --> 00:35:49,200 gin, rum, vodka and Fireball. 782 00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:50,890 Let's get drunk! 783 00:35:50,890 --> 00:35:53,610 - You keep that cinnamon cyanide away from me, ya hear? 784 00:35:53,610 --> 00:35:54,523 - Jesus! 785 00:35:55,629 --> 00:35:56,462 - Party! 786 00:35:59,036 --> 00:36:00,090 - So, you're a comedian? 787 00:36:00,090 --> 00:36:02,310 - Yeah, dishwasher by day. 788 00:36:02,310 --> 00:36:03,570 - What does that entail? 789 00:36:03,570 --> 00:36:08,570 - Well, it's ya know, gathering the dishes, 790 00:36:08,750 --> 00:36:10,970 rinsing the dishes, taking the dishes 791 00:36:10,970 --> 00:36:12,750 and putting them in the dishwasher. 792 00:36:12,750 --> 00:36:15,280 - No, the being a comedian. 793 00:36:15,280 --> 00:36:16,640 - Oh! Oh. 794 00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:20,020 Well, it's telling jokes mostly. 795 00:36:20,020 --> 00:36:25,020 Humorous anecdotes about my life, painful experiences 796 00:36:25,140 --> 00:36:28,454 supplimated through the critical eye and cynicism 797 00:36:28,454 --> 00:36:31,730 to get to the core of the human experience, 798 00:36:31,730 --> 00:36:35,083 a long line to the DMV, my ex-wife's cooking, 799 00:36:36,240 --> 00:36:37,470 fart jokes. 800 00:36:37,470 --> 00:36:39,160 - You were married? 801 00:36:39,160 --> 00:36:39,993 - No, no. 802 00:36:40,911 --> 00:36:42,863 - Oh okay, tell me a joke. 803 00:36:43,800 --> 00:36:44,977 - OK. 804 00:36:44,977 --> 00:36:46,934 I do have this one. 805 00:36:46,934 --> 00:36:48,580 Not a lot of people find it very funny though. 806 00:36:48,580 --> 00:36:49,520 - Oh hey, try me. 807 00:36:49,520 --> 00:36:50,830 I have a great sense of humor. 808 00:36:50,830 --> 00:36:52,560 I used to write for MAD Magazine. 809 00:36:52,560 --> 00:36:54,270 - Really? You're a writer? 810 00:36:54,270 --> 00:36:55,830 - Nah, I left that shit behind. 811 00:36:55,830 --> 00:36:58,076 I am in bakery science now. 812 00:36:58,076 --> 00:37:01,110 - Bakery science, what's that? 813 00:37:01,110 --> 00:37:03,756 - I develop better emulsifiers all day. 814 00:37:03,756 --> 00:37:06,677 - Emulsifiers, that sounds fun. 815 00:37:06,677 --> 00:37:09,520 - OK, there's nothing fun about bakery science. 816 00:37:09,520 --> 00:37:11,320 It is a tough field. 817 00:37:11,320 --> 00:37:12,770 Tougher than you would think. 818 00:37:13,730 --> 00:37:14,876 - OK. 819 00:37:14,876 --> 00:37:16,417 - Yeah, my friend invented the stuffed crust pizza. 820 00:37:16,417 --> 00:37:19,490 Awards, limos, the whole bit. 821 00:37:19,490 --> 00:37:20,323 - Wow! 822 00:37:20,323 --> 00:37:22,820 - Yeah, she never has to work again, lucky bitch. 823 00:37:22,820 --> 00:37:26,410 - So, what's the career path for a bakery scientist? 824 00:37:26,410 --> 00:37:29,130 - The golden ticket is creating a new flavor 825 00:37:29,130 --> 00:37:30,560 with one of the big guys. 826 00:37:30,560 --> 00:37:33,120 Little Debbie, Otis Spunkmeyer, 827 00:37:33,120 --> 00:37:35,810 snooty bastards down at Spunkmeyer. 828 00:37:35,810 --> 00:37:37,615 We're people too, Otis! 829 00:37:38,448 --> 00:37:39,281 - Neat. 830 00:37:43,540 --> 00:37:46,180 - That explosion was not my fault. 831 00:37:46,180 --> 00:37:48,139 - No, no, I didn't think that-- 832 00:37:48,139 --> 00:37:49,927 - OK, tell me a joke. 833 00:37:49,927 --> 00:37:51,270 - OK, um... 834 00:37:51,270 --> 00:37:53,520 Well, the thing about Hitler is-- 835 00:37:54,523 --> 00:37:56,730 Um, hi Brittney. 836 00:37:56,730 --> 00:37:57,563 - Hey. 837 00:37:57,563 --> 00:37:59,690 Met Hitler's great nephew once. 838 00:37:59,690 --> 00:38:00,523 Great guy. 839 00:38:00,523 --> 00:38:01,683 Made a mean ham salad. 840 00:38:03,170 --> 00:38:05,140 Don't waste your efforts on this one, Dave. 841 00:38:05,140 --> 00:38:07,480 The female human Lilly has her sights set on you. 842 00:38:07,480 --> 00:38:08,843 Respect the labe, Dave. 843 00:38:16,557 --> 00:38:18,058 - That's a big 409. 844 00:38:23,400 --> 00:38:25,050 Who's ready for charades? 845 00:38:25,050 --> 00:38:28,990 Yeah, Byron, how did you get here? 846 00:38:28,990 --> 00:38:31,180 - I brought eggnog and egg salad. 847 00:38:31,180 --> 00:38:33,240 - Well Dave already brought egg salad. 848 00:38:33,240 --> 00:38:34,550 Remember Dave? You fired him. 849 00:38:34,550 --> 00:38:35,560 Might be kinda awkward. 850 00:38:35,560 --> 00:38:38,300 - Yes but this is made with fish eggs. 851 00:38:38,300 --> 00:38:40,020 And before you go declaring your loyalty 852 00:38:40,020 --> 00:38:41,941 for certain past employees, remember, 853 00:38:41,941 --> 00:38:45,090 I control how big your Christmas bonus is. 854 00:38:45,090 --> 00:38:46,010 - You know what? 855 00:38:46,010 --> 00:38:46,843 That looks delicious. 856 00:38:46,843 --> 00:38:48,310 You make yourself at home. 857 00:38:48,310 --> 00:38:49,480 - Thanks. 858 00:38:50,540 --> 00:38:52,149 So sorry! 859 00:39:01,290 --> 00:39:02,660 - Is that eggnog? 860 00:39:02,660 --> 00:39:04,220 - Would you like to try some of my creamy 861 00:39:04,220 --> 00:39:05,540 and delicious eggnog? 862 00:39:05,540 --> 00:39:06,790 - Yeah, thanks. 863 00:39:20,930 --> 00:39:22,460 - I'm glad ya liked it. 864 00:39:22,460 --> 00:39:23,450 What's your name? 865 00:39:23,450 --> 00:39:25,870 - Upchuck, but all my friends call me Greg. 866 00:39:25,870 --> 00:39:27,257 Just kidding, they call me Upchuck. 867 00:39:28,780 --> 00:39:29,613 - You're really funny. 868 00:39:29,613 --> 00:39:31,361 You should come down to my club, 869 00:39:31,361 --> 00:39:32,677 try doing some comedy. 870 00:39:32,677 --> 00:39:33,937 - That sounds dope. 871 00:39:33,937 --> 00:39:35,479 My friend Dave tells me it's hard, 872 00:39:35,479 --> 00:39:36,737 blah blah blah blah. 873 00:39:36,737 --> 00:39:37,570 - Oh, you know Dave. 874 00:39:37,570 --> 00:39:39,260 - Yeah, Dave, my roommate. 875 00:39:39,260 --> 00:39:41,852 Dave, come try some of this eggnog. 876 00:39:41,852 --> 00:39:44,740 Nevermind, I finished it off, but it was fire though. 877 00:39:44,740 --> 00:39:47,640 - Hey uh, why is Byron here? 878 00:39:47,640 --> 00:39:49,450 - Oh yeah, listen, I don't want him 879 00:39:49,450 --> 00:39:51,270 or his weird fish egg salad here either, 880 00:39:51,270 --> 00:39:53,996 but I gotta schmooze for that Christmas bonus. 881 00:39:53,996 --> 00:39:57,057 - I don't think Yuk Yuk's does Christmas bonuses. 882 00:39:57,057 --> 00:39:59,310 - I thought maybe they were starting to. 883 00:39:59,310 --> 00:40:00,920 - Dave. 884 00:40:00,920 --> 00:40:04,110 - Oh, hi Byron. 885 00:40:04,110 --> 00:40:05,870 I heard that you brought egg salad. 886 00:40:05,870 --> 00:40:07,053 - That's correct. 887 00:40:10,039 --> 00:40:12,759 - Uh great, well it was nice talking to you. 888 00:40:12,759 --> 00:40:15,110 - Wait Dave, I wanted to tell you that 889 00:40:15,110 --> 00:40:18,775 even though I fired you, I saw you perform a lot 890 00:40:18,775 --> 00:40:23,775 and you should know that you are really bad at standup. 891 00:40:25,520 --> 00:40:28,950 It's terrible, and that you should definitely consider 892 00:40:28,950 --> 00:40:32,630 virtually any other career other than standup, 893 00:40:32,630 --> 00:40:35,330 like what was that last set even? 894 00:40:35,330 --> 00:40:37,940 - Uh well, the church has-- 895 00:40:37,940 --> 00:40:39,130 - It matters not, my pet. 896 00:40:39,130 --> 00:40:41,900 Now I realize that you consider me to be 897 00:40:41,900 --> 00:40:44,250 not only your boss, but a mentor. 898 00:40:44,250 --> 00:40:47,840 - I don't know what gave you that impression. 899 00:40:47,840 --> 00:40:50,236 - So, you and Upchuck are roommates. 900 00:40:50,236 --> 00:40:51,780 What are his grooming habits? 901 00:40:51,780 --> 00:40:53,577 Do you know? 902 00:40:53,577 --> 00:40:55,610 Does he perhaps shave his entire body below the neck? 903 00:40:55,610 --> 00:40:56,999 - You know what? 904 00:40:56,999 --> 00:40:59,213 I actually hear someone calling me, so I'm gonna go. 905 00:41:06,090 --> 00:41:07,596 Brittney, is there someone in there? 906 00:41:07,596 --> 00:41:09,010 - No, don't be ridiculous. 907 00:41:09,010 --> 00:41:10,210 That was a chair. 908 00:41:10,210 --> 00:41:11,043 - But they were-- 909 00:41:11,043 --> 00:41:12,860 - It's a wild party, Dave. 910 00:41:12,860 --> 00:41:14,257 You and your partner never been bound head to foot 911 00:41:14,257 --> 00:41:15,670 with gags in your mouth? 912 00:41:15,670 --> 00:41:17,100 It's very sensual. 913 00:41:17,100 --> 00:41:18,316 - But who are they? 914 00:41:18,316 --> 00:41:19,149 - Have you seen Becks? 915 00:41:19,149 --> 00:41:19,982 According to the plan, I believe it's time 916 00:41:19,982 --> 00:41:21,940 for her distraction and I have my tasks as well. 917 00:41:21,940 --> 00:41:23,240 - Plan? What plan? 918 00:41:23,240 --> 00:41:24,940 - Plan? What are you talking about? 919 00:41:24,940 --> 00:41:25,773 - You just said-- 920 00:41:25,773 --> 00:41:28,070 - No I didn't Dave, I think your drinking problem's 921 00:41:28,070 --> 00:41:30,380 heavily contributing to your scatterbrain. 922 00:41:30,380 --> 00:41:31,596 - I don't have a drinking-- 923 00:41:31,596 --> 00:41:32,599 - Shh. 924 00:41:32,599 --> 00:41:34,480 The labor is hard, but you must serve the mistress well. 925 00:41:34,480 --> 00:41:35,840 You must serve the labe. 926 00:41:45,500 --> 00:41:47,196 - OK, gather round everyone, gather round. 927 00:41:47,196 --> 00:41:51,580 It's time for the annual recitation of my 928 00:41:51,580 --> 00:41:52,963 favorite Christmas story. 929 00:41:53,820 --> 00:41:56,290 I'll start in Christmas Eve 1992. 930 00:41:56,290 --> 00:41:57,123 I was alone. 931 00:41:57,123 --> 00:41:58,865 - Weren't you born in 96? 932 00:41:58,865 --> 00:41:59,890 - It all started in 2004. 933 00:41:59,890 --> 00:42:01,690 Thank you Byron, I had my dates mixed up. 934 00:42:01,690 --> 00:42:04,960 It was the year my family and I decided to spend Christmas 935 00:42:04,960 --> 00:42:06,023 roughing it abroad. 936 00:42:11,090 --> 00:42:12,800 - And now the cars. 937 00:42:12,800 --> 00:42:14,830 - So I'm hanging there upside down over a huge pot 938 00:42:14,830 --> 00:42:17,760 of boiling vegetables when I make direct eye contact 939 00:42:17,760 --> 00:42:19,470 with a tazmanian devil. 940 00:42:19,470 --> 00:42:21,330 - This sounds a lot like another story I've heard 941 00:42:21,330 --> 00:42:22,900 starring Bugs Bunny. 942 00:42:22,900 --> 00:42:24,939 - Save your questions for the end of the story, thank you. 943 00:42:24,939 --> 00:42:25,772 - Were you scared? 944 00:42:25,772 --> 00:42:27,900 - Terrified but I made a connection 945 00:42:27,900 --> 00:42:29,210 with that tazmanian devil. 946 00:42:29,210 --> 00:42:33,480 He looked at me and he said, "Trust me, you're safe." 947 00:42:33,480 --> 00:42:35,470 Not with his, but telepathically. 948 00:42:35,470 --> 00:42:36,760 So I put on a brave face. 949 00:42:36,760 --> 00:42:39,910 - Like the face that the cannibals were wearing? 950 00:42:39,910 --> 00:42:41,850 - No, those were actual faces. 951 00:42:41,850 --> 00:42:44,880 I just adopted courageous traits. 952 00:42:44,880 --> 00:42:46,599 I looked at the king and then I said yes, 953 00:42:46,599 --> 00:42:48,353 I will marry you. 954 00:42:59,596 --> 00:43:00,740 - I literally can't believe it. 955 00:43:00,740 --> 00:43:01,573 - God's truth. 956 00:43:01,573 --> 00:43:03,190 Ask Ryan Seacrest, he was the one that bailed me out 957 00:43:03,190 --> 00:43:04,023 that night. 958 00:43:04,023 --> 00:43:05,540 All I ever asked for was a bag of pork rinds 959 00:43:05,540 --> 00:43:07,780 and according to the locals, 960 00:43:07,780 --> 00:43:10,260 that was the first time it snowed in over 100 years. 961 00:43:10,260 --> 00:43:11,740 - You're so brave. 962 00:43:11,740 --> 00:43:12,573 - I try my best. 963 00:43:12,573 --> 00:43:14,060 Anyway, here's to a merry Christmas. 964 00:43:14,060 --> 00:43:15,640 - I have a Christmas story too! 965 00:43:15,640 --> 00:43:17,470 But it's also a drinking game. 966 00:43:17,470 --> 00:43:19,383 Drink every time I say black guy. 967 00:43:41,083 --> 00:43:43,203 - Yuri, Yuri, do you receive? 968 00:43:45,090 --> 00:43:48,578 - Ya, we are receiving you Sir. 969 00:43:48,578 --> 00:43:50,818 What is your? 970 00:43:50,818 --> 00:43:53,530 - The American Dave, I believe he has the tape. 971 00:43:53,530 --> 00:43:55,940 The deviant, Becks, 972 00:43:55,940 --> 00:43:57,990 she says that he never leaves without it. 973 00:44:01,100 --> 00:44:03,618 - Retrieve the tape from the American 974 00:44:03,618 --> 00:44:05,130 pig dogs by any means necessary. 975 00:44:05,130 --> 00:44:07,243 Many Soviet lives depend on it. 976 00:44:08,596 --> 00:44:12,323 - And when I do, I can return home to mother Russia? 977 00:44:13,700 --> 00:44:16,460 - Da, only when you have the tape. 978 00:44:16,460 --> 00:44:19,003 Use whatever means necessary. 979 00:44:21,831 --> 00:44:24,610 - You'll have the tape, Yuri. 980 00:44:24,610 --> 00:44:26,790 Yes, you will. 981 00:44:28,990 --> 00:44:30,923 And I will have my revenge. 982 00:44:32,120 --> 00:44:33,840 - Are you done? 983 00:44:33,840 --> 00:44:36,447 - Yes, just one second Jane, I'll be right out. 984 00:44:43,390 --> 00:44:46,141 - Let's kick this night right in the baby maker. 985 00:44:52,030 --> 00:44:54,900 - So, you like whiskey, huh? 986 00:44:54,900 --> 00:44:58,920 - Yeah, um, I guess I'm not exactly having 987 00:44:58,920 --> 00:45:01,610 the best night or week. 988 00:45:01,610 --> 00:45:03,740 - Drowning your sorrows. 989 00:45:03,740 --> 00:45:04,850 Boy troubles? 990 00:45:04,850 --> 00:45:07,900 - Yeah well, no, I'm not gay. 991 00:45:07,900 --> 00:45:08,733 Are you gay? 992 00:45:08,733 --> 00:45:13,733 - No, no, I kinda thought this was a gay party. 993 00:45:14,360 --> 00:45:15,600 So, girl troubles then? 994 00:45:15,600 --> 00:45:16,700 - Partially. 995 00:45:16,700 --> 00:45:19,580 My frigid long distance girlfriend 996 00:45:19,580 --> 00:45:21,740 decided to keep another guy warm this winter. 997 00:45:21,740 --> 00:45:24,060 - Hm, so the whiskey. 998 00:45:24,060 --> 00:45:26,060 Well, here's to infidelity. 999 00:45:26,060 --> 00:45:30,410 My ex had a three-month affair with the milk girl. 1000 00:45:30,410 --> 00:45:31,243 - Milk girl? 1001 00:45:31,243 --> 00:45:33,810 - Now they live on a dairy farm in Iowa, 1002 00:45:33,810 --> 00:45:35,540 oddly enough. 1003 00:45:35,540 --> 00:45:37,240 Enough about me. 1004 00:45:37,240 --> 00:45:39,640 How well do you know Jane and Lilly? 1005 00:45:39,640 --> 00:45:43,130 - Um, don't really know Jane. 1006 00:45:43,130 --> 00:45:44,720 I've seen her around. 1007 00:45:44,720 --> 00:45:49,060 And I've worked with Lilly for the last six months 1008 00:45:49,060 --> 00:45:50,050 at the club. 1009 00:45:50,050 --> 00:45:52,738 Well worked, I got fired the other day. 1010 00:45:52,738 --> 00:45:55,440 - Oh, I'm sorry. 1011 00:45:55,440 --> 00:46:00,036 - Eh, I kinda yelled at an old lady and she died. 1012 00:46:00,036 --> 00:46:01,778 - Oh! 1013 00:46:01,778 --> 00:46:02,743 Wow. 1014 00:46:03,730 --> 00:46:04,563 That'll do it. 1015 00:46:04,563 --> 00:46:05,450 - Yeah. 1016 00:46:05,450 --> 00:46:07,458 - So, you work at the club. 1017 00:46:07,458 --> 00:46:09,460 Worked, I mean. 1018 00:46:09,460 --> 00:46:11,240 - Yeah, I'm a comic. 1019 00:46:11,240 --> 00:46:14,460 Well, would be comic, I'm not really that funny. 1020 00:46:14,460 --> 00:46:16,380 - I can see how that would be a career barrier. 1021 00:46:16,380 --> 00:46:18,580 - Well actually ya know, you'd be surprised 1022 00:46:18,580 --> 00:46:20,580 with how many of the successful comedians 1023 00:46:20,580 --> 00:46:22,653 aren't really that funny at all. 1024 00:46:23,971 --> 00:46:28,230 - So, what do you think of Lilly? 1025 00:46:28,230 --> 00:46:32,030 - Oh uh, Lilly is fine. 1026 00:46:32,030 --> 00:46:34,350 - She sure can pound down the booze. 1027 00:46:34,350 --> 00:46:37,270 - Yeah, I've never seen a woman 1028 00:46:37,270 --> 00:46:40,840 drink so much vodka and still be able to stand up. 1029 00:46:40,840 --> 00:46:44,300 She gets this crazy strength when she drinks. 1030 00:46:44,300 --> 00:46:46,983 Ya know, she pushed a car out of a lake. 1031 00:46:51,760 --> 00:46:54,970 So uh, do you like wine? 1032 00:46:54,970 --> 00:46:55,803 - I like a good red. 1033 00:46:55,803 --> 00:46:58,540 So Lilly, do you think that her behavior 1034 00:46:58,540 --> 00:47:01,150 changes when she drinks to excess? 1035 00:47:01,150 --> 00:47:02,860 That she becomes reckless? 1036 00:47:02,860 --> 00:47:06,250 - Uh yeah, reckless is probably a pretty good word 1037 00:47:06,250 --> 00:47:07,363 to describe it. 1038 00:47:08,445 --> 00:47:11,130 You know, you have really pretty eyes. 1039 00:47:11,130 --> 00:47:14,700 - And do you think that she habitually uses drugs? 1040 00:47:14,700 --> 00:47:16,222 - Uh... 1041 00:47:22,240 --> 00:47:23,073 - My bad. 1042 00:47:24,220 --> 00:47:25,370 This is quite the spillage. 1043 00:47:25,370 --> 00:47:27,513 - I'll go grab a towel. 1044 00:47:28,722 --> 00:47:29,672 - I'll clean it up. 1045 00:47:31,200 --> 00:47:33,370 - Um, yeah so, ya know, 1046 00:47:33,370 --> 00:47:36,466 Allison said she was grabbing a towel. 1047 00:47:43,890 --> 00:47:44,946 - Don't rub it! 1048 00:47:44,946 --> 00:47:46,100 You have to dab it. 1049 00:47:46,100 --> 00:47:46,963 Dab it! 1050 00:47:48,258 --> 00:47:49,308 Ugh, let me show you. 1051 00:48:11,750 --> 00:48:13,300 - Do you think you should help? 1052 00:48:19,682 --> 00:48:21,440 - Hey, what took you so long? 1053 00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:24,239 - All in good time, young human, it's finished. 1054 00:48:24,239 --> 00:48:25,906 - I'm having second thoughts. 1055 00:48:25,906 --> 00:48:27,784 I mean, I love Dave, but this all seems a little insane 1056 00:48:27,784 --> 00:48:29,857 and kind of illegal and-- 1057 00:48:33,210 --> 00:48:36,060 - Once you're in steep, you've just gotta go all the way. 1058 00:48:43,430 --> 00:48:44,430 - What is happening? 1059 00:48:45,640 --> 00:48:47,293 - There was a spill. 1060 00:49:07,690 --> 00:49:08,970 - Whiskey. 1061 00:49:08,970 --> 00:49:11,033 I prefer vodka but that tastes good. 1062 00:49:12,317 --> 00:49:14,317 I like to try new things whenever I can. 1063 00:49:15,390 --> 00:49:17,398 Do you like to try new things? 1064 00:49:17,398 --> 00:49:19,677 - Um, well, I've been 1065 00:49:19,677 --> 00:49:22,823 known to sample. 1066 00:49:24,040 --> 00:49:26,410 - Do you know what it means to be a man, Dave? 1067 00:49:26,410 --> 00:49:28,909 - Making 20% more for the same work? 1068 00:49:28,909 --> 00:49:31,083 - It mostly involves, 1069 00:49:32,300 --> 00:49:35,430 how do you say, butt sex. 1070 00:49:37,580 --> 00:49:38,543 - What? 1071 00:49:38,543 --> 00:49:41,090 - Care to join me in the shadowy corners 1072 00:49:41,090 --> 00:49:43,423 for some passionate necking? 1073 00:49:49,540 --> 00:49:51,047 - Don't really know-- 1074 00:49:55,192 --> 00:49:56,025 Ah... 1075 00:49:59,540 --> 00:50:02,690 So uh, are you a fan of Kippling. 1076 00:50:02,690 --> 00:50:04,850 - No. 1077 00:50:04,850 --> 00:50:05,683 - OK. 1078 00:50:06,829 --> 00:50:07,920 Uh... 1079 00:50:19,430 --> 00:50:21,890 - So what was that you were talking to Becks about earlier? 1080 00:50:21,890 --> 00:50:25,623 Some VHS tape with an Armanian comedian? 1081 00:50:26,488 --> 00:50:28,160 Animal soul train? 1082 00:50:28,160 --> 00:50:30,860 - Oh yeah, Russian actually. 1083 00:50:30,860 --> 00:50:33,500 Yeah, Anatoli Big Tony Solshinitzen. 1084 00:50:33,500 --> 00:50:35,850 It was his last performance before he was sent 1085 00:50:35,850 --> 00:50:38,110 to the Goulag and disappeared forever. 1086 00:50:38,110 --> 00:50:39,640 - That's fascinating! 1087 00:50:39,640 --> 00:50:42,205 - Yeah, thank you, yes it is. 1088 00:50:42,205 --> 00:50:44,130 Actually, he wasn't Russian. 1089 00:50:44,130 --> 00:50:46,320 He was Lithuanian by birth. 1090 00:50:46,320 --> 00:50:48,490 His paternal grandfather raised him. 1091 00:50:48,490 --> 00:50:50,640 He talked a lot about his childhood in his act, 1092 00:50:50,640 --> 00:50:54,340 you know, he wove these beautiful themes of loss 1093 00:50:54,340 --> 00:50:57,550 and humanity mixed in with the jokes about farts 1094 00:50:57,550 --> 00:50:59,000 and borscht, ya know? 1095 00:50:59,000 --> 00:51:00,730 - That's very interesting. 1096 00:51:00,730 --> 00:51:02,183 I'd love to see it. 1097 00:51:02,183 --> 00:51:03,620 Do you have it with you, the tape? 1098 00:51:03,620 --> 00:51:04,620 - Yeah, yeah always. 1099 00:51:06,167 --> 00:51:07,000 - Ah! 1100 00:51:09,582 --> 00:51:10,690 Lilly! 1101 00:51:10,690 --> 00:51:11,523 - Jane! 1102 00:51:11,523 --> 00:51:14,630 - Have you forgetten-say about Allison-A? 1103 00:51:15,470 --> 00:51:16,550 - Like a threesome? 1104 00:51:16,550 --> 00:51:19,100 Wait just a minute and I'll go get my ugly friend. 1105 00:51:19,100 --> 00:51:20,283 - No threesome! 1106 00:51:20,283 --> 00:51:21,116 You promised! 1107 00:51:21,116 --> 00:51:23,610 A Christmas boyfriend for Allison! 1108 00:51:23,610 --> 00:51:26,130 - Wait, are you guys, 1109 00:51:26,130 --> 00:51:28,040 you guys planning to set me up with Allison? 1110 00:51:28,040 --> 00:51:31,270 - Well you see, last year, there was an escaped bull 1111 00:51:31,270 --> 00:51:33,170 that gorged Michael to death. 1112 00:51:33,170 --> 00:51:34,650 - Uh huh, uh huh, OK. 1113 00:51:34,650 --> 00:51:36,327 Does Allison like me? 1114 00:51:36,327 --> 00:51:39,360 - I'm so sorry, I just really needed a pick me up 1115 00:51:39,360 --> 00:51:42,110 after the spill and global warming and what not. 1116 00:51:42,110 --> 00:51:44,763 - This bitch understands the struggle, babe. 1117 00:51:44,763 --> 00:51:48,670 But it looks like the only other guys at this party 1118 00:51:48,670 --> 00:51:50,761 are gonna hook up with each other. 1119 00:51:50,761 --> 00:51:53,130 This could be ugly's only change. 1120 00:51:53,130 --> 00:51:54,323 I mean, Allison. 1121 00:51:55,190 --> 00:51:57,920 - Right, I'm such a bad friend. 1122 00:51:57,920 --> 00:51:59,770 - No, you're a good friend! 1123 00:51:59,770 --> 00:52:01,686 When you try. 1124 00:52:01,686 --> 00:52:05,160 Do you wanna bump some lines and maybe make out later? 1125 00:52:05,160 --> 00:52:06,285 - Sure! 1126 00:52:06,285 --> 00:52:07,118 - Besties! 1127 00:52:27,010 --> 00:52:29,729 - Just may as well find something. 1128 00:52:29,729 --> 00:52:30,562 A note. 1129 00:52:52,780 --> 00:52:55,230 - Hi, I'm Dave and this is my audition tape 1130 00:52:55,230 --> 00:52:56,270 for Last Comic Standing. 1131 00:52:56,270 --> 00:52:59,067 Hey, Upchuck, would you hold the camera still? 1132 00:52:59,067 --> 00:53:00,343 Thank you. 1133 00:53:01,350 --> 00:53:04,470 OK, so the best thing about Hitler 1134 00:53:04,470 --> 00:53:07,307 is not his mustache, but it's actu-- 1135 00:53:19,190 --> 00:53:23,140 And that is why I just love the Jewish community, 1136 00:53:23,140 --> 00:53:25,090 my favorite people in the entire world. 1137 00:53:30,560 --> 00:53:32,760 - Hey, how did you get Dave's audition tape? 1138 00:53:53,507 --> 00:53:54,625 - So what are you doing? 1139 00:53:54,625 --> 00:53:59,430 - Lilly asked me to grab something from her purse. 1140 00:53:59,430 --> 00:54:01,490 - Cool, cool, yeah. 1141 00:54:01,490 --> 00:54:06,440 Grabbing stuff for your friends, cool. 1142 00:54:06,440 --> 00:54:08,630 So, what did she ask you to get? 1143 00:54:08,630 --> 00:54:10,280 - Uh, this. 1144 00:54:10,280 --> 00:54:13,980 - Oh um, you know, Lilly actually did seem 1145 00:54:13,980 --> 00:54:16,060 like she would need that right about now. 1146 00:54:16,060 --> 00:54:19,467 - She seemed like she needed a dildo? 1147 00:54:19,467 --> 00:54:22,550 - I think yeah, a penis, a pick me up. 1148 00:54:22,550 --> 00:54:26,150 I mean, hey, you're the one gettin' it for her right? 1149 00:54:26,150 --> 00:54:27,770 - Yeah, right. 1150 00:54:27,770 --> 00:54:30,983 Her party pick me up penis. 1151 00:54:32,603 --> 00:54:33,650 Uh... 1152 00:54:35,387 --> 00:54:36,890 So what are you gonna do now? 1153 00:54:36,890 --> 00:54:39,265 Now that you're not at the club anymore? 1154 00:54:39,265 --> 00:54:41,970 - Oh um, I don't know. 1155 00:54:41,970 --> 00:54:45,330 Probably something that I'll fail utterly at again. 1156 00:54:45,330 --> 00:54:49,320 - No, everybody fails at something. 1157 00:54:49,320 --> 00:54:51,490 Everybody falls flat on their face. 1158 00:54:51,490 --> 00:54:53,060 It's a part of life. 1159 00:54:53,060 --> 00:54:55,770 - So have you fallen flat on your face? 1160 00:54:55,770 --> 00:54:57,223 - Well, no. 1161 00:54:59,650 --> 00:55:04,650 Actually, I did get second place at a spelling bee one time. 1162 00:55:05,680 --> 00:55:07,370 But that's not the point. 1163 00:55:07,370 --> 00:55:11,260 The point is that it's part of becoming an adult. 1164 00:55:11,260 --> 00:55:15,920 You aren't really an adult until you have failed utterly. 1165 00:55:15,920 --> 00:55:17,323 Something important to you. 1166 00:55:18,990 --> 00:55:21,840 Maybe if I haven't totally boned it, 1167 00:55:21,840 --> 00:55:24,033 then I'm not really grown up. 1168 00:55:26,240 --> 00:55:29,923 But you have and that's good because 1169 00:55:29,923 --> 00:55:34,923 now you can take this moment and learn from it 1170 00:55:35,980 --> 00:55:38,583 and grow into the real you. 1171 00:55:40,230 --> 00:55:43,970 - Yeah, ya know Allison, I think you're right. 1172 00:55:43,970 --> 00:55:47,170 I've been beating myself up like someone just like 1173 00:55:47,170 --> 00:55:49,809 grabbed my hand and said, "Stop hitting yourself! 1174 00:55:49,809 --> 00:55:51,050 "Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself," 1175 00:55:51,050 --> 00:55:52,920 and then I've opened my eyes 1176 00:55:52,920 --> 00:55:54,623 and it was just me the whole time. 1177 00:55:55,787 --> 00:55:58,320 I just ya know, I need to own this. 1178 00:55:58,320 --> 00:56:00,103 I need to own it, ya know? 1179 00:56:00,103 --> 00:56:02,280 Thank you, thank you Allison. 1180 00:56:08,070 --> 00:56:10,293 - Dave, can I trust you? 1181 00:56:11,144 --> 00:56:13,540 - Uh, yeah sure. 1182 00:56:13,540 --> 00:56:15,163 - I have a confession to make. 1183 00:56:16,000 --> 00:56:19,410 I'm an investigative reporter and I'm researching something, 1184 00:56:19,410 --> 00:56:21,853 something explosive, I mean really big. 1185 00:56:22,860 --> 00:56:24,210 And I might need your help. 1186 00:56:25,170 --> 00:56:27,863 The fate of the world may rest on your decision. 1187 00:56:29,686 --> 00:56:34,686 - What kind of help? 1188 00:56:48,460 --> 00:56:49,610 - They said they didn't cast me because I was 1189 00:56:49,610 --> 00:56:50,610 too good looking. 1190 00:56:50,610 --> 00:56:52,130 - Have you guys seen Upchuck? 1191 00:56:52,130 --> 00:56:54,090 Sexy little peanut disappeared on me. 1192 00:56:54,090 --> 00:56:57,410 - He left to chase a squirrel or something. 1193 00:56:57,410 --> 00:56:59,140 - That guy and his rodents, what a riot. 1194 00:56:59,140 --> 00:57:00,380 - What? 1195 00:57:00,380 --> 00:57:02,350 - Lilly, where have you been? 1196 00:57:02,350 --> 00:57:05,740 Mama always said to dance with the one who brung ya. 1197 00:57:05,740 --> 00:57:08,010 I've danced all my dances. 1198 00:57:08,010 --> 00:57:09,393 - What? 1199 00:57:09,393 --> 00:57:11,890 - Have you ever felt like you've lost something 1200 00:57:11,890 --> 00:57:14,030 really important but you realize 1201 00:57:14,030 --> 00:57:16,210 you've already snorted it? 1202 00:57:16,210 --> 00:57:17,520 - Oh! 1203 00:57:17,520 --> 00:57:18,840 I see. 1204 00:57:18,840 --> 00:57:21,380 - I'm all out and Byron has a guy nearby. 1205 00:57:21,380 --> 00:57:22,213 - I do. 1206 00:57:23,420 --> 00:57:26,000 - So we're gonna go on a little field trip. 1207 00:57:26,000 --> 00:57:28,080 - But we're coming back, right? 1208 00:57:28,080 --> 00:57:29,290 For Allison, I mean? 1209 00:57:29,290 --> 00:57:30,833 - I don't know, yeah, maybe. 1210 00:57:30,833 --> 00:57:33,930 But Mama's got a fee that comes first! 1211 00:57:33,930 --> 00:57:35,371 Allison. 1212 00:57:35,371 --> 00:57:36,449 Allison! 1213 00:57:39,710 --> 00:57:43,300 Damn it to hell son of a bitch! 1214 00:57:43,300 --> 00:57:46,110 - Listen Becks, I really appreciate you 1215 00:57:46,110 --> 00:57:48,300 throwing this party for me but, 1216 00:57:48,300 --> 00:57:50,560 you know, maybe I should just work through this thing 1217 00:57:50,560 --> 00:57:52,180 on my own, you know? 1218 00:57:52,180 --> 00:57:53,450 I gotta be my own man. 1219 00:57:53,450 --> 00:57:56,810 - Dave, I've not even yet begun to humiliate myself 1220 00:57:56,810 --> 00:57:59,350 for the benefit of your loins. 1221 00:57:59,350 --> 00:58:03,250 - That's creepy but, ya know, I'm afraid that 1222 00:58:03,250 --> 00:58:06,640 all your effort on behalf on my loins 1223 00:58:06,640 --> 00:58:08,190 tonight haven't really-- 1224 00:58:08,190 --> 00:58:10,360 - Just wait a few more seconds. 1225 00:58:10,360 --> 00:58:11,193 - What? 1226 00:58:11,193 --> 00:58:14,300 - Five, four, three, two-- 1227 00:58:14,300 --> 00:58:17,920 Well hello Jane, Lilly, Allison and Byron. 1228 00:58:17,920 --> 00:58:19,370 What are you doing back? 1229 00:58:19,370 --> 00:58:21,160 - Hi, uh, my car wouldn't start. 1230 00:58:21,160 --> 00:58:22,440 - Oh no! 1231 00:58:22,440 --> 00:58:24,290 - That was a drug run, right? 1232 00:58:26,570 --> 00:58:27,880 - Who calls it that? 1233 00:58:27,880 --> 00:58:30,107 And why would that pup go chasing after that squirrel 1234 00:58:30,107 --> 00:58:31,853 when there's a perfectly good otter right here? 1235 00:58:31,853 --> 00:58:34,090 - This is just awful and during a snowstorm 1236 00:58:34,090 --> 00:58:36,737 in which the likes of snow goddess Chione has never seen. 1237 00:58:36,737 --> 00:58:38,730 And Upchuck's car won't start either. 1238 00:58:38,730 --> 00:58:39,750 - How do you know that? 1239 00:58:39,750 --> 00:58:40,900 Is he back already? 1240 00:58:40,900 --> 00:58:42,360 - I mean, if we can't find Upchuck, 1241 00:58:42,360 --> 00:58:44,049 we can't find his keys, right? 1242 00:58:44,049 --> 00:58:45,690 - And I Ubered here and frankly was hoping to be 1243 00:58:45,690 --> 00:58:47,520 taken home by someone. 1244 00:58:47,520 --> 00:58:49,840 - Do you mind if we stay in here where it's warm 1245 00:58:49,840 --> 00:58:51,200 while we wait and call for an Uber? 1246 00:58:51,200 --> 00:58:52,604 - Absolutely. 1247 00:58:52,604 --> 00:58:53,603 - Damn it. 1248 00:58:53,603 --> 00:58:54,436 - What is it, my dear? 1249 00:58:54,436 --> 00:58:55,269 - I don't have signal! 1250 00:58:55,269 --> 00:58:56,102 No bars! 1251 00:58:56,102 --> 00:58:56,935 Do you have WiFi? 1252 00:58:56,935 --> 00:58:58,600 - Oh no, no, no, no, no. - No WiFi. 1253 00:58:58,600 --> 00:59:00,690 - Lilly, do you have a signal? 1254 00:59:00,690 --> 00:59:02,886 - Nope, not at all, strange. 1255 00:59:02,886 --> 00:59:06,490 - Does anybody have a signal? 1256 00:59:06,490 --> 00:59:07,323 - Nope. 1257 00:59:07,323 --> 00:59:08,156 - Nothing here. 1258 00:59:08,156 --> 00:59:09,750 - Becks, you have a car. 1259 00:59:09,750 --> 00:59:11,100 Please, I have somewhere I need to be. 1260 00:59:11,100 --> 00:59:12,700 - Uh actually, my car is in the shop. 1261 00:59:12,700 --> 00:59:14,810 I got dropped off by a cab. 1262 00:59:14,810 --> 00:59:17,079 Bad flux capacitor. 1263 00:59:17,079 --> 00:59:17,912 - Damn it to hell! 1264 00:59:17,912 --> 00:59:18,745 Son of a bitch! 1265 00:59:18,745 --> 00:59:20,040 - We could walk. 1266 00:59:20,040 --> 00:59:21,620 - In this weather? 1267 00:59:21,620 --> 00:59:22,960 Maybe we should just stay a while. 1268 00:59:22,960 --> 00:59:24,463 - Let's check the radio! 1269 00:59:25,810 --> 00:59:27,220 - And the blizzard conditions will continue 1270 00:59:27,220 --> 00:59:30,330 for at least 36 hours, so if you are somewhere safe, 1271 00:59:30,330 --> 00:59:31,960 for God's sake, stay there! 1272 00:59:31,960 --> 00:59:34,289 You don't wanna be out in this, 1273 00:59:34,289 --> 00:59:36,006 not to mention the mass escape from the 1274 00:59:36,006 --> 00:59:38,310 state mental hospital for the extra criminally insane 1275 00:59:38,310 --> 00:59:39,300 that just happened. 1276 00:59:39,300 --> 00:59:41,473 Some bad characters out there for sure. 1277 00:59:42,520 --> 00:59:46,171 - Whew, well, that sounds bad. 1278 00:59:46,171 --> 00:59:47,940 - Everyone settle in. 1279 00:59:47,940 --> 00:59:50,320 We still have games, parties and drinks, 1280 00:59:50,320 --> 00:59:52,689 and some surprises in store. 1281 01:00:03,800 --> 01:00:05,200 - Song. 1282 01:00:05,200 --> 01:00:06,383 Uh sand baby. 1283 01:00:07,233 --> 01:00:08,066 - Uh, songs about sex. 1284 01:00:08,066 --> 01:00:10,090 Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. 1285 01:00:10,090 --> 01:00:11,527 Take me out to the ball game. 1286 01:00:11,527 --> 01:00:13,890 - Hit me baby one more time? 1287 01:00:13,890 --> 01:00:15,750 - Time's up. 1288 01:00:15,750 --> 01:00:17,810 - It's the Game of Thrones theme song! 1289 01:00:17,810 --> 01:00:19,443 - OK, I'll go next. 1290 01:00:21,210 --> 01:00:22,240 OK, this is a movie. 1291 01:00:22,240 --> 01:00:23,290 - No, you can't talk. 1292 01:00:24,175 --> 01:00:25,430 - Now. 1293 01:00:25,430 --> 01:00:26,993 - You can't talk man! 1294 01:00:28,740 --> 01:00:30,030 - Uh, War Horse. 1295 01:00:30,030 --> 01:00:31,000 - Horse Whisperer. 1296 01:00:31,000 --> 01:00:31,833 - Flicka. 1297 01:00:31,833 --> 01:00:33,086 - Cowboys. 1298 01:00:33,086 --> 01:00:34,126 - No talking! 1299 01:00:35,128 --> 01:00:36,126 - True Grit. 1300 01:00:36,126 --> 01:00:37,128 - Jaws. 1301 01:00:37,128 --> 01:00:38,126 - The Shining? 1302 01:00:38,126 --> 01:00:39,420 Kill Bill Volume One. 1303 01:00:39,420 --> 01:00:40,253 - Rocky one. 1304 01:00:40,253 --> 01:00:41,086 - The Shining? 1305 01:00:41,086 --> 01:00:42,510 - Rocky two. 1306 01:00:42,510 --> 01:00:43,507 - Kill Bill Volume Two. 1307 01:00:43,507 --> 01:00:44,520 - Rocky three? 1308 01:00:44,520 --> 01:00:45,507 - A New Hope. 1309 01:00:45,507 --> 01:00:46,340 - Rocky four. 1310 01:00:46,340 --> 01:00:47,173 - E.T., E.T.! 1311 01:00:47,173 --> 01:00:48,006 - Terminator! 1312 01:00:48,006 --> 01:00:48,839 - Shining? 1313 01:01:00,822 --> 01:01:01,655 - So are you having fun? 1314 01:01:01,655 --> 01:01:02,690 - Totes. 1315 01:01:02,690 --> 01:01:03,523 Brittney, right? 1316 01:01:03,523 --> 01:01:04,990 - That's the name I've chosen. 1317 01:01:04,990 --> 01:01:07,230 From the before time, I was called something else. 1318 01:01:07,230 --> 01:01:08,810 - That's interesting. 1319 01:01:08,810 --> 01:01:10,330 - I used to be called The Brave Balini. 1320 01:01:10,330 --> 01:01:11,250 - Where are you from? 1321 01:01:11,250 --> 01:01:12,173 - The circus. 1322 01:01:13,010 --> 01:01:15,120 - Oh, there's a hair in there, sorry. 1323 01:01:15,120 --> 01:01:16,100 - That's interesting. 1324 01:01:16,100 --> 01:01:18,506 I don't see a hair and I have 20/70 vision. 1325 01:01:18,506 --> 01:01:20,920 - I took a couple sips from it. 1326 01:01:20,920 --> 01:01:22,210 You could get another one though. 1327 01:01:22,210 --> 01:01:23,540 - Are you still interested in Dave? 1328 01:01:23,540 --> 01:01:25,000 It's been a while since you've talked to him. 1329 01:01:25,000 --> 01:01:27,026 - I like to take things slow sometimes. 1330 01:01:27,026 --> 01:01:30,528 - It's really whipping up out there. 1331 01:01:39,920 --> 01:01:41,230 - I see you got some punch as well. 1332 01:01:41,230 --> 01:01:44,421 - I thirst for mango sorbet, sugar, and productivity. 1333 01:01:49,390 --> 01:01:51,020 That's a really nice painting. 1334 01:01:51,020 --> 01:01:52,309 - What painting? 1335 01:01:54,970 --> 01:01:56,070 Is that crown molding? 1336 01:01:58,028 --> 01:02:01,060 - Dave has an interesting shirt on. 1337 01:02:01,060 --> 01:02:02,610 - Why's that man naked? 1338 01:02:07,280 --> 01:02:09,123 - Charades sure makes me thirsty. 1339 01:02:14,920 --> 01:02:16,610 Who's ready for the next round? 1340 01:02:16,610 --> 01:02:17,950 Upchuck sure doesn't know what he's missing 1341 01:02:17,950 --> 01:02:19,950 and you know what a really good game is? 1342 01:02:21,787 --> 01:02:23,720 Really good game is spin the-- 1343 01:02:23,720 --> 01:02:26,060 - Spin the, what are you going to spin? 1344 01:02:26,060 --> 01:02:27,365 - Book! 1345 01:02:27,365 --> 01:02:28,198 - No, movie. 1346 01:02:28,198 --> 01:02:29,383 - Uh, Because of Winn Dixie. 1347 01:02:29,383 --> 01:02:30,381 - The Shining? 1348 01:02:30,381 --> 01:02:31,923 - The commemorative statuette of liberty. 1349 01:02:36,260 --> 01:02:37,093 - Wow! 1350 01:02:40,528 --> 01:02:41,704 It's hot in here, isn't it? 1351 01:02:41,704 --> 01:02:42,870 It's hot in here, right? 1352 01:02:42,870 --> 01:02:44,553 Who else got the egg salad? 1353 01:02:51,227 --> 01:02:54,323 - Well, clearly, 1354 01:02:55,300 --> 01:02:57,300 someone's had too much to drink. 1355 01:02:57,300 --> 01:02:58,320 Somebody give me a hand. 1356 01:02:58,320 --> 01:02:59,820 He just needs to sleep it off. 1357 01:03:07,723 --> 01:03:09,973 - I may have miscalculated. 1358 01:03:14,240 --> 01:03:15,440 - You sure he's alright? 1359 01:03:15,440 --> 01:03:16,950 - What a lightweight. 1360 01:03:16,950 --> 01:03:18,310 If anyone wants to draw dicks on his face, 1361 01:03:18,310 --> 01:03:20,010 there's sharpies by the solo cups. 1362 01:03:21,030 --> 01:03:22,690 - Hey, can I have that? 1363 01:03:24,130 --> 01:03:25,200 What? 1364 01:03:25,200 --> 01:03:26,621 - Nothing. 1365 01:03:26,621 --> 01:03:28,498 - That one should be fine. 1366 01:03:36,520 --> 01:03:38,150 - Hey, do you wanna make out? 1367 01:03:38,150 --> 01:03:39,200 Suddenly, I feel like 1368 01:03:39,200 --> 01:03:41,104 that's the right thing to do right now. 1369 01:03:41,104 --> 01:03:43,060 - Sure, maybe later. 1370 01:03:43,060 --> 01:03:44,880 - Who am I kidding? 1371 01:03:46,030 --> 01:03:48,350 Look at you with your red hair. 1372 01:03:48,350 --> 01:03:51,420 You never take time to stoop off your high horse 1373 01:03:51,420 --> 01:03:54,020 to fraternize with the likes of me! 1374 01:03:54,020 --> 01:03:55,650 - Are you OK? 1375 01:03:55,650 --> 01:03:57,519 - This looks more familiar. 1376 01:03:57,519 --> 01:04:01,360 - Byron! Make out with me! 1377 01:04:01,360 --> 01:04:02,193 - Byron? 1378 01:04:07,600 --> 01:04:09,680 - You know what, she's got the right idea. 1379 01:04:09,680 --> 01:04:11,183 Who is ready to party? 1380 01:04:15,104 --> 01:04:16,544 - My little buddy! 1381 01:04:16,544 --> 01:04:17,541 - It's you! 1382 01:04:17,541 --> 01:04:20,903 - OK, this is taking way too long. 1383 01:04:23,840 --> 01:04:25,069 - Oh God, oh! 1384 01:04:25,949 --> 01:04:28,782 - Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! 1385 01:04:29,759 --> 01:04:32,103 Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! 1386 01:04:34,667 --> 01:04:36,550 - Lilly, why do you have that? 1387 01:04:36,550 --> 01:04:39,040 - My name is not Lilly, it's Svetlanna 1388 01:04:39,040 --> 01:04:40,740 and I've been trained to withstand the most 1389 01:04:40,740 --> 01:04:43,860 extreme torture and not crack, 1390 01:04:43,860 --> 01:04:46,010 but spending the last few months with the likes of you 1391 01:04:46,010 --> 01:04:48,208 is all the torture I can take. 1392 01:04:48,208 --> 01:04:49,547 - Hold on, hold on a minute. 1393 01:04:49,547 --> 01:04:51,993 So we're not besties? 1394 01:04:56,645 --> 01:04:59,520 Oh damn! 1395 01:04:59,520 --> 01:05:01,067 Holy shit! 1396 01:05:01,067 --> 01:05:02,317 - Ow, it hurts! 1397 01:05:03,201 --> 01:05:05,521 Oh, I feel so good. 1398 01:05:06,585 --> 01:05:08,548 - What do you want? 1399 01:05:08,548 --> 01:05:10,470 You can literally steal anything you want 1400 01:05:10,470 --> 01:05:11,620 from this house. 1401 01:05:11,620 --> 01:05:13,540 - You have what I want. 1402 01:05:13,540 --> 01:05:14,950 - Oh my God. 1403 01:05:14,950 --> 01:05:16,965 - Damn, she wants you body bad, bro. 1404 01:05:16,965 --> 01:05:19,120 - Don't make me throw up. 1405 01:05:19,120 --> 01:05:22,027 His skin tastes like beef jerky. 1406 01:05:22,027 --> 01:05:24,290 - I guess that's not the first time I've heard that. 1407 01:05:24,290 --> 01:05:25,950 - The tape. 1408 01:05:25,950 --> 01:05:26,883 - Scotch tape? 1409 01:05:27,925 --> 01:05:30,010 - Anatoli Solshinitzen, you have the world's 1410 01:05:30,010 --> 01:05:33,180 only remaining copy of his last known performance. 1411 01:05:33,180 --> 01:05:34,013 - Enema Soul Train? 1412 01:05:34,013 --> 01:05:36,520 - It's a film we've been looking for for the past 1413 01:05:36,520 --> 01:05:38,128 20 years. 1414 01:05:38,128 --> 01:05:39,540 - Wow! 1415 01:05:39,540 --> 01:05:40,373 Are you a fan of his work? 1416 01:05:40,373 --> 01:05:41,547 - He was swine. 1417 01:05:43,060 --> 01:05:45,787 Anatoli was one of the biggest conspirators 1418 01:05:45,787 --> 01:05:48,340 of an unsuccessful insurrection against Soviet. 1419 01:05:48,340 --> 01:05:50,840 It is said in the tape, he had revel secrets 1420 01:05:50,840 --> 01:05:52,468 within bad jokes. 1421 01:05:54,230 --> 01:05:56,270 - They are not bad. 1422 01:05:56,270 --> 01:05:57,203 - Quiet you! 1423 01:05:58,425 --> 01:06:00,760 - Lesbianca, throw me that bag. 1424 01:06:00,760 --> 01:06:03,083 - No! It's fragile! 1425 01:06:06,180 --> 01:06:07,093 Big Tony. 1426 01:06:10,940 --> 01:06:12,800 - Was this another audition tape? 1427 01:06:16,580 --> 01:06:19,260 - Aha! The smoking gun! 1428 01:06:19,260 --> 01:06:21,840 Two grand spent at JJ's bar 1429 01:06:21,840 --> 01:06:23,609 and for Tammy? 1430 01:06:23,609 --> 01:06:24,883 Who's Tammy? 1431 01:06:26,983 --> 01:06:30,830 - Fact, tomorrow I go back home to mother Russia 1432 01:06:30,830 --> 01:06:33,520 with the rebel secrets or the ugly gets it. 1433 01:06:33,520 --> 01:06:34,353 - No! 1434 01:06:34,353 --> 01:06:36,920 - I did not think this is how my night was gonna go. 1435 01:06:36,920 --> 01:06:38,400 - You can't kill her. 1436 01:06:38,400 --> 01:06:40,020 She... 1437 01:06:40,020 --> 01:06:41,390 She has dirt on you. 1438 01:06:41,390 --> 01:06:42,727 - What? 1439 01:06:42,727 --> 01:06:43,726 - What? 1440 01:06:43,726 --> 01:06:44,780 - Yeah she's an investigative journalist 1441 01:06:44,780 --> 01:06:47,326 and boy, you don't wanna get on her bad side. 1442 01:06:47,326 --> 01:06:49,620 - Dave, how is that going to help me 1443 01:06:49,620 --> 01:06:51,010 get out of this alive? 1444 01:06:51,010 --> 01:06:54,273 - So, you're not a horse doctor? 1445 01:06:55,406 --> 01:06:57,330 - I've never even seen a horse. 1446 01:06:57,330 --> 01:07:00,009 - Who do you work for? 1447 01:07:00,009 --> 01:07:04,103 - Teeny Bop Bubblegum Magazine. 1448 01:07:04,103 --> 01:07:04,936 - What the hell is that? 1449 01:07:04,936 --> 01:07:07,390 - I read that, they have great quizzes. 1450 01:07:07,390 --> 01:07:10,470 - I was doing an expose on binge drinking 1451 01:07:10,470 --> 01:07:11,653 among millennials. 1452 01:07:12,660 --> 01:07:14,745 Lilly was my research subject. 1453 01:07:14,745 --> 01:07:16,985 - Liars! All my friends are liars! 1454 01:07:16,985 --> 01:07:18,068 I'm so horny! 1455 01:07:18,985 --> 01:07:20,318 I'm so confused! 1456 01:07:21,188 --> 01:07:22,185 - Save! 1457 01:07:22,185 --> 01:07:24,102 - Wait, don't hurt her. 1458 01:07:24,964 --> 01:07:25,797 I know the tape by heart. 1459 01:07:25,797 --> 01:07:27,710 I can recite it word for word. 1460 01:07:27,710 --> 01:07:30,990 Please, take me, you really don't need Allison. 1461 01:07:30,990 --> 01:07:32,053 - Dave, no. 1462 01:07:32,900 --> 01:07:34,110 - Is this true? 1463 01:07:34,110 --> 01:07:35,523 Even the parts in Russian? 1464 01:07:39,844 --> 01:07:41,166 - Impressed. 1465 01:07:41,166 --> 01:07:43,166 - Well, I don't know what it means 1466 01:07:43,166 --> 01:07:45,550 but I can recite it phonetically. 1467 01:07:45,550 --> 01:07:48,720 - You say you want to go back home and kiss mother? 1468 01:07:48,720 --> 01:07:49,553 - Gross. 1469 01:07:54,367 --> 01:07:56,800 - Dave, you come with me. 1470 01:07:56,800 --> 01:07:58,190 Unfortunately for the rest of you, 1471 01:07:58,190 --> 01:08:00,680 there can be no witnesses. 1472 01:08:00,680 --> 01:08:02,263 Lesbianca, you die first. 1473 01:08:03,883 --> 01:08:05,193 - Oh God, it's happening. 1474 01:08:19,966 --> 01:08:21,886 - The Brave Balini. 1475 01:08:24,181 --> 01:08:25,268 - Again? 1476 01:08:25,268 --> 01:08:27,550 - This was all easier when you all comply, 1477 01:08:27,550 --> 01:08:28,843 American scum. 1478 01:08:30,024 --> 01:08:33,465 - Well I'm proud to be an American. 1479 01:08:47,130 --> 01:08:49,865 I pledge allegiance to the flag. 1480 01:08:49,865 --> 01:08:51,163 - Oh no, no, no. 1481 01:08:52,760 --> 01:08:53,930 Well, she died how she lived, 1482 01:08:53,930 --> 01:08:56,206 passed out on the ground covered in alcohol. 1483 01:08:56,206 --> 01:08:58,113 What are you doing? 1484 01:08:59,370 --> 01:09:01,100 - Haven't you seen Halloween? 1485 01:09:01,100 --> 01:09:04,543 The villain always comes back for one last scare. 1486 01:09:11,065 --> 01:09:14,983 Hey, since when has John Carpenter directed my life, right? 1487 01:09:23,660 --> 01:09:26,030 - You didn't hit her once! 1488 01:09:26,030 --> 01:09:27,180 - Should someone call the police? 1489 01:09:27,180 --> 01:09:28,390 - Yeah, we should probably uninstall 1490 01:09:28,390 --> 01:09:30,362 the cell phone blockers. 1491 01:09:30,362 --> 01:09:31,195 - The what? 1492 01:09:31,195 --> 01:09:33,950 - Uh, negative, having any police officials here 1493 01:09:33,950 --> 01:09:36,400 would be bad for someone wanted in 13 states. 1494 01:09:36,400 --> 01:09:37,610 - You? 1495 01:09:37,610 --> 01:09:39,140 - The smaller ones. 1496 01:09:39,140 --> 01:09:42,030 - There's a woman with half her face on the floor. 1497 01:09:42,030 --> 01:09:43,950 Jane's thighs are oozing 1498 01:09:43,950 --> 01:09:46,163 and Byron still hasn't even woken up! 1499 01:09:52,660 --> 01:09:54,708 - We'll meet again soon, young human. 1500 01:09:54,708 --> 01:09:55,710 - What? 1501 01:09:55,710 --> 01:09:57,769 - FBI, get down on the ground! 1502 01:09:57,769 --> 01:09:59,010 Everybody get down on the ground! 1503 01:09:59,010 --> 01:10:00,793 - Brittney? Brittney? 1504 01:10:08,810 --> 01:10:09,643 Brandy? 1505 01:10:09,643 --> 01:10:10,476 - Bethany. 1506 01:10:13,920 --> 01:10:15,980 Well Becks, thanks to the tracking device 1507 01:10:15,980 --> 01:10:18,400 I put in your butt, you led us right to our target. 1508 01:10:18,400 --> 01:10:19,233 - What? 1509 01:10:19,233 --> 01:10:20,690 - Sorry it took us an extra minute. 1510 01:10:20,690 --> 01:10:22,530 Something was blocking our signal for a while. 1511 01:10:22,530 --> 01:10:23,650 - What's in my butt? 1512 01:10:23,650 --> 01:10:25,740 - Which one of you is Allison? 1513 01:10:25,740 --> 01:10:26,573 - Me. 1514 01:10:26,573 --> 01:10:29,050 - You have a Teeny Bopper Bubblegum Magazine 1515 01:10:29,050 --> 01:10:31,230 issued recording device, correct? 1516 01:10:31,230 --> 01:10:32,063 - This one? 1517 01:10:32,063 --> 01:10:33,500 - Thanks, we'll use this in court. 1518 01:10:33,500 --> 01:10:35,080 You probably just saved the country 1519 01:10:35,080 --> 01:10:36,910 from lots of bad guys. 1520 01:10:36,910 --> 01:10:37,960 And Dave. 1521 01:10:37,960 --> 01:10:39,207 - Huh? 1522 01:10:39,207 --> 01:10:40,040 - You have photographic memory. 1523 01:10:40,040 --> 01:10:40,873 - What's in my butt? 1524 01:10:40,873 --> 01:10:41,710 - Uh yeah. 1525 01:10:41,710 --> 01:10:43,920 - Skills like that, we could really use on the force. 1526 01:10:43,920 --> 01:10:46,560 Have you ever considered a career in the FBI? 1527 01:10:46,560 --> 01:10:47,680 - No. 1528 01:10:47,680 --> 01:10:49,566 Uh, but I will now. 1529 01:10:49,566 --> 01:10:51,140 - Give me a call sometimes. 1530 01:10:51,140 --> 01:10:52,823 We'll find a spot for you. 1531 01:10:53,710 --> 01:10:56,710 - Does she even see him shoot? 1532 01:10:56,710 --> 01:10:58,003 Can I have some help please? 1533 01:10:59,524 --> 01:11:00,941 Hey, you're cute! 1534 01:11:49,630 --> 01:11:52,547 - It really is a Christmas miracle.