0
00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:15,000


1
00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:11,720
[Ron White] You ever take a crap so big
your pants fit better?

2
00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:15,682
What's he doing?

3
00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:18,852
Looks like he's trying to get
the taste out of his mouth.

4
00:00:22,063 --> 00:00:24,482
But let me tell you something, folks.

5
00:00:25,150 --> 00:00:26,860
You can't fix stupid.

6
00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:34,367
Now, when I have seven eighths of a gram
of marijuana, I consider myself to be...

7
00:00:35,243 --> 00:00:36,244
out of marijuana.

8
00:00:38,246 --> 00:00:40,707
Tiger doesn't get any credit
for all that pussy he turned down,

9
00:00:40,790 --> 00:00:42,792
and that's the number
you're looking for right there.

10
00:00:44,753 --> 00:00:46,087
6:01, gets there.

11
00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:47,630
Is she there? No.

12
00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:49,841
Do I leave? No.

13
00:00:49,924 --> 00:00:52,594
Why? Because this dick won't suck itself.

14
00:00:52,677 --> 00:00:53,511
That's why.

15
00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:58,016
[cheering and applause]

16
00:00:58,099 --> 00:01:01,352
[country rock music]

17
00:01:08,568 --> 00:01:10,111
[inaudible]

18
00:01:13,114 --> 00:01:15,533
[inaudible]

19
00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:25,043
I want to start off this evening
by telling you something about me

20
00:01:25,126 --> 00:01:26,086
you may not know.

21
00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:30,757
Um, I'm from a very, very small dusty town
in northwest Texas,

22
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:33,176
and I grew up in this
little bitty house that was built

23
00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:36,888
by my father and my grandfather
the year I was born, 1956.

24
00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:41,559
Now I live in Beverly Hills
in a house my wife and I just built,

25
00:01:41,643 --> 00:01:43,436
and I was doing
an interview the other day,

26
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:45,647
and this guy asked me,
"Has it changed you?

27
00:01:45,730 --> 00:01:47,982
You know, the fame
and fortune and all that?"

28
00:01:48,566 --> 00:01:51,694
And I said, "I don't think so,"
but I kept thinking about it,

29
00:01:51,778 --> 00:01:53,655
and I realized
it's changed me in two ways.

30
00:01:53,738 --> 00:01:55,824
One, while we were building this house,

31
00:01:55,907 --> 00:01:59,285
my wife selected
these really exotic Japanese toilets.

32
00:01:59,369 --> 00:02:03,706
And as you approach these toilets,
the lid of the toilet automatically opens.

33
00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:05,291
I was mad when I first saw it.

34
00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:07,335
I'm like, "You're wasting our money
on this stuff?"

35
00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:09,712
But I got used to it after a while.

36
00:02:10,046 --> 00:02:12,882
And now when I approach a toilet,

37
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:15,844
and the lid doesn't automatically open,

38
00:02:17,262 --> 00:02:19,722
I just piss all over the top of it.

39
00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:25,395
And I still eat tacos,

40
00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:28,398
but now I only eat
the baby duck pussy lip tacos

41
00:02:28,481 --> 00:02:31,442
that you get at the Four Seasons
in Beverly Hills on Sunday.

42
00:02:31,943 --> 00:02:34,154
What they do is they take
these baby ducks,

43
00:02:34,237 --> 00:02:36,406
and they just snip
the pussy lips off of 'em,

44
00:02:36,489 --> 00:02:39,742
and it takes, like, 35 baby ducks
to make one taco,

45
00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:42,912
but it is fucking worth it, man.

46
00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:49,586
And it turns out, they've been snipping
the pussy lips off of baby ducks

47
00:02:49,669 --> 00:02:53,673
in Saudi Arabia for 1,500 years
and just throwing them in a river,

48
00:02:53,756 --> 00:02:56,050
and the cook
from the Four Seasons went there

49
00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:59,179
and saw this amazing waste
of baby duck pussy lips,

50
00:02:59,262 --> 00:03:03,183
and just started thinking, you know,
"Fuck... Tacos!"

51
00:03:12,650 --> 00:03:13,484
PETA hates it.

52
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:17,822
And I don't know why,
'cause they used to sell duck tacos,

53
00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:19,073
nobody gave a shit.

54
00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:21,659
You gotta kill the duck
to get the duck meat.

55
00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:25,246
You don't have to kill the baby duck
to get the pussy lips off of it.

56
00:03:25,914 --> 00:03:28,583
Sure, they bleed to death in the trash can
when you throw them away,

57
00:03:28,666 --> 00:03:32,045
but they're baby ducks. It's a nickel for
a hundred of 'em. Nobody gives a shit.

58
00:03:37,550 --> 00:03:39,886
So if you're ever in Beverly Hills
on Sunday night,

59
00:03:39,969 --> 00:03:41,054
go to the Four Seasons.

60
00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:43,431
It's baby duck pussy lip taco night,
and...

61
00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:46,809
get there early, because, uh, parking.

62
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:56,611
I'm 61 years old now,

63
00:03:56,694 --> 00:03:58,780
and I know two things to be true.

64
00:03:59,405 --> 00:04:00,240
One...

65
00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:04,869
anything has the potential
to become a DUI checkpoint

66
00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:06,871
if you crash your car into it.

67
00:04:12,335 --> 00:04:14,671
And you can't un-fuck the housekeeper.

68
00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:15,964
So...

69
00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:18,383
That's it. That's all I know.

70
00:04:20,426 --> 00:04:22,595
Governor Schwarzenegger helped me
with that second one,

71
00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:25,098
so I didn't have to do that one myself,
so that's good.

72
00:04:29,060 --> 00:04:30,645
Don't drink and drive.

73
00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:33,356
That's what they say.

74
00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:38,152
They also say
friends don't let friends drive drunk.

75
00:04:39,737 --> 00:04:42,573
Well, which one is it?
Somebody's gotta drive.

76
00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:49,330
I was leaving a party the other night,

77
00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:51,916
and this buddy of mine goes,
"Hey, Ron, can you drive?"

78
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,793
I was like, "I can drive...

79
00:04:55,461 --> 00:04:57,171
I can't get pulled over."

80
00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:05,430
Now, I won't drive drunk,
but I will ride with somebody

81
00:05:05,513 --> 00:05:08,182
that can't blow a .08
and not fucking know it.

82
00:05:09,475 --> 00:05:10,977
'Cause .08's not drunk.

83
00:05:11,060 --> 00:05:14,814
.08 is a revenue stream for the federal
fucking government, is what .08 is.

84
00:05:14,897 --> 00:05:17,650
That ain't drunk at all.
That ain't even kind of drunk.

85
00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:19,152
This is drunk.

86
00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:23,573
That guy can't drive my fucking car.

87
00:05:26,534 --> 00:05:28,911
Now I'm not saying
I've never driven drunk,

88
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:31,581
because I've drank so much in my life,

89
00:05:31,664 --> 00:05:34,042
now on the back of my driver's license,

90
00:05:34,125 --> 00:05:36,627
there's a list of organs I need.

91
00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:51,059
I was in Melbourne, Florida, one time
and I was driving a rental car,

92
00:05:51,142 --> 00:05:53,853
and I was by myself,
and I'd had two drinks.

93
00:05:53,936 --> 00:05:56,856
I didn't make the drinks.
I don't know how strong they were.

94
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:58,191
Tasted strong.

95
00:05:58,941 --> 00:06:00,151
Whiskey and ice cubes.

96
00:06:03,112 --> 00:06:04,697
And I'm driving, and I look ahead,

97
00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:07,200
and there's a sobriety checkpoint
and I'm like...

98
00:06:07,658 --> 00:06:09,285
"Fuck..."

99
00:06:09,827 --> 00:06:12,789
Which is what you say
when you see a sobriety checkpoint.

100
00:06:13,247 --> 00:06:14,874
Fuck.

101
00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:17,710
And I get up there and the cop goes,

102
00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:19,837
"Mr. White,
I smell alcohol on your breath."

103
00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:22,673
I said,
"That's been there since '77, dude."

104
00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:27,970
You pour that much Scotch on a tongue,

105
00:06:28,096 --> 00:06:31,391
it's gonna smell like Scotch forever.
There's nothing you can do about it.

106
00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:33,434
We've tried everything that there is.

107
00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:36,979
He goes, "Well, I need you
to blow into this breathalyzer,"

108
00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:39,315
and I said,
"Well, here's the bad news, Hoss.

109
00:06:40,149 --> 00:06:41,359
I'm not gonna do it.

110
00:06:42,568 --> 00:06:43,986
I'm not, and I'll tell you why,

111
00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:46,614
because if that piece of shit's
calibrated wrong,

112
00:06:46,697 --> 00:06:48,866
I could be convicted of something
I didn't even do."

113
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:52,120
He goes, "Then I need you
to do a field sobriety test."

114
00:06:52,203 --> 00:06:53,871
I'm like, "Just tell me what to do."

115
00:06:53,955 --> 00:06:57,583
He goes, "I want you to stand on one foot,
raise the other foot--"

116
00:06:57,667 --> 00:06:58,501
"No, bullshit.

117
00:06:58,584 --> 00:07:00,461
Fuck that. I'm not doing that either.

118
00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:03,798
I'm not, and I'll tell you why.
That's not a sobriety test.

119
00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:08,594
That's an agility test,
and I'm not very goddamn agile, all right?

120
00:07:10,221 --> 00:07:11,764
I'm not, and it's not fair to me,

121
00:07:11,848 --> 00:07:14,100
because I'm older,
I'm not in that great of shape.

122
00:07:14,183 --> 00:07:16,936
I may or may not be a little drunk.
Fuck, I don't know.

123
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:22,066
You know what
a fair drunk driving test is?

124
00:07:23,234 --> 00:07:26,028
Drunk driving. Get in the car.
Let's do a couple of blocks.

125
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:28,156
Let me show you some skills.

126
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:33,161
I'm not a 21-year-old, puking
cheap tequila through my nose.

127
00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:36,873
I'm a 61-year-old raging alcoholic,
motherfucker."

128
00:07:38,916 --> 00:07:41,294
Or that's what it said in the deposition.

129
00:07:47,675 --> 00:07:50,052
Here's another fair test: darts.

130
00:07:54,932 --> 00:07:59,312
We go back to O'Leary's Pub
where this whole fucking thing started.

131
00:08:00,396 --> 00:08:04,567
If you can beat me at darts, you can
take me to fucking jail, how about that?

132
00:08:06,944 --> 00:08:09,197
How about a sobriety contest?

133
00:08:19,123 --> 00:08:22,585
I got to go this year for the first time
in my career to do stand-up in Europe,

134
00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:26,130
and I did shows in Amsterdam,
Edinburgh, Scotland, and London.

135
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:27,840
And when I was in Edinburgh,

136
00:08:27,924 --> 00:08:31,010
I realized that the Scots
made me laugh harder than anybody.

137
00:08:31,093 --> 00:08:34,263
Not because they try to say something
funny. It's just the words they say,

138
00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:37,517
whatever the fuck they say
just cracks me the fuck up.

139
00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:41,062
And I wear wild socks, and...

140
00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:45,024
So I'm having breakfast in this restaurant

141
00:08:45,107 --> 00:08:47,360
across the street from the hotel
I'm staying in, by myself,

142
00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:48,736
and...

143
00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:51,405
I finish with my meal,
I realize I don't have any money.

144
00:08:51,489 --> 00:08:53,699
I only have the room key.
I left everything in my room,

145
00:08:53,783 --> 00:08:56,160
and I tell the guy,
"Listen, I got to go back to the hotel.

146
00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:58,454
I'll get some money.
I'll come back over and pay you."

147
00:08:58,538 --> 00:08:59,413
This is what he says:

148
00:09:00,331 --> 00:09:03,793
"Well, those don't look like the socks
of a man who would steal an egg."

149
00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:16,347
Yeah, they sure the fuck don't.

150
00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:21,561
And I did these shows in London,

151
00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:24,063
and they don't play my stuff
on television in London.

152
00:09:24,146 --> 00:09:25,982
So I really had to call
and promote these shows

153
00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:29,193
and get everybody to come out,
and I called this radio station in London.

154
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:31,112
This is what this DJ says to me:

155
00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:32,989
"Ron...

156
00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:35,992
Every time a celebrity
calls our station,

157
00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:37,743
we always ask the same question:

158
00:09:37,868 --> 00:09:41,455
If you could have a conversation
with anyone, living or dead,

159
00:09:42,039 --> 00:09:43,082
who would it be?"

160
00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:45,209
And I said...

161
00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:47,920
"Living."

162
00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:57,221
And he tried to explain it to me.

163
00:09:57,305 --> 00:09:59,056
He was like, "No, what I'm saying is,

164
00:09:59,181 --> 00:10:01,267
if you could talk to someone,
whether they..."

165
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:03,894
Yeah, I fucking get it.

166
00:10:05,646 --> 00:10:07,481
I'm a joke writer from America.

167
00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:08,774
I'm all over it, dude.

168
00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:15,448
Trying to make this funny,
sell some comedy tickets

169
00:10:15,531 --> 00:10:17,575
in a land
where you don't play my shit.

170
00:10:20,828 --> 00:10:22,413
Thanks for playing our game.

171
00:10:22,496 --> 00:10:25,541
And the punchline of that story is,
I come back to the States,

172
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:28,377
when I get back to the States,
my assistant goes, "Ron,

173
00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:30,463
did you hear that John Mayhew died?"

174
00:10:30,921 --> 00:10:33,883
And I'm like, "John Mayhew...
Why do I know that name?"

175
00:10:34,425 --> 00:10:36,302
"It's your ex-wife's divorce lawyer."

176
00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:39,639
[laughing quietly]

177
00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:43,601
Oh, I hated that motherfucker.

178
00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:49,690
That Yale snob fucking piece of shit,
fucked me out of so goddamn much money.

179
00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:51,692
It happened ten years before,

180
00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:54,362
but I still had his office number
in my phone,

181
00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:56,322
and my wife said
I was a dick for doing this,

182
00:10:56,405 --> 00:10:59,158
but as soon as I found out he died,
I called his office, I said,

183
00:10:59,241 --> 00:11:02,995
"I'd like to speak
to John Mayhew, please."

184
00:11:03,746 --> 00:11:05,539
The lady goes,
"I'm very sorry to tell you,

185
00:11:05,623 --> 00:11:07,416
but Mr. Mayhew passed away."

186
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,752
I said, "Okay,"
and I called her right back and said,

187
00:11:09,835 --> 00:11:13,089
"I'd like to speak
to John Mayhew, please."

188
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:17,301
She goes, "I just told you,
Mr. Mayhew passed away."

189
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:19,595
I said,  "I know,
I just like hearing you say it."

190
00:11:26,435 --> 00:11:27,937
My wife's like, "You're a dick."

191
00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:31,732
I said, "Bullshit. He's lucky I don't know
where he's buried. I'll show you dick."

192
00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:42,952
I saw this on the news the other day.
This befuddled me.

193
00:11:43,411 --> 00:11:48,499
It was a story about a town
in the Middle East where, by law...

194
00:11:49,166 --> 00:11:52,878
by law, the women who live in this town

195
00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:54,797
have to wear burkas

196
00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:58,634
with one... eyehole.

197
00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:01,470
That's it.

198
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:03,931
That's all you get.

199
00:12:09,103 --> 00:12:11,021
One eyehole.

200
00:12:12,523 --> 00:12:15,568
Not two eyeholes like those other sluts.

201
00:12:21,532 --> 00:12:22,366
One...

202
00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:23,367
[giggling]

203
00:12:23,451 --> 00:12:24,577
..fucking eyehole.

204
00:12:25,202 --> 00:12:28,289
Just enough
to keep from bumping into shit.

205
00:12:28,372 --> 00:12:29,582
That's all you need.

206
00:12:31,041 --> 00:12:33,252
And the guys over there
still think they're hot.

207
00:12:33,335 --> 00:12:35,004
They're like, "Ooh, look at that one."

208
00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:37,131
Which one?

209
00:12:37,923 --> 00:12:40,384
They all look like fucking tents.

210
00:12:44,513 --> 00:12:47,141
And I think that's why
they marry so many of them.

211
00:12:47,224 --> 00:12:50,102
You got to unwrap a few
to get the one you're looking for...

212
00:12:53,939 --> 00:12:56,776
in a sight unseen situation.

213
00:13:01,655 --> 00:13:04,158
And if you're all politically correct,
don't worry.

214
00:13:04,241 --> 00:13:06,160
I'm not busting on women
from the Middle East.

215
00:13:06,243 --> 00:13:09,079
I know they're perfectly content
to live the way they do.

216
00:13:12,333 --> 00:13:13,292
They are.

217
00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:16,170
Oh, you can see it in their eyehole.

218
00:13:25,721 --> 00:13:29,099
Three weeks ago,
my wife and I went to New York City,

219
00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:31,227
and we went to a gay wedding,

220
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,395
and it was a man marrying a woman,

221
00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:37,024
[laughing] but it was the gayest
fucking thing I've ever seen.

222
00:13:43,113 --> 00:13:45,449
You can get married now if you're gay,
anywhere in America,

223
00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:47,576
that's fine with me.
I don't care one way or another.

224
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:50,246
Get married, don't get married.
I don't give a shit.

225
00:13:51,288 --> 00:13:52,623
[snorting] I don't, really..

226
00:13:52,706 --> 00:13:56,418
I've got tons of gay friends, most of 'em
male dancers from fucking Vegas,

227
00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:58,671
and they're like,
"We want to get married too."

228
00:13:58,754 --> 00:14:01,006
I'm like,
"You're going to fucking hate it, but..."

229
00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:10,558
I think the Supreme Court fucked up
the best thing about being gay.

230
00:14:10,641 --> 00:14:13,018
"Well, I would marry ya, but I can't!

231
00:14:17,439 --> 00:14:21,026
I'd give you half my shit right now,
but I don't make up the rules."

232
00:14:29,326 --> 00:14:32,079
I was doing a meet and greet
the other day right after a show,

233
00:14:32,162 --> 00:14:35,666
this young guy goes, "When my girlfriend
comes back from vacation with her parents,

234
00:14:35,749 --> 00:14:38,419
I'm going to ask her to marry me.
Do you have any advice, Mr. White?"

235
00:14:41,338 --> 00:14:45,175
Now, I'd just got off the ugliest
phone call I've ever had with my wife,

236
00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:46,385
and it was about that house,

237
00:14:46,468 --> 00:14:49,430
and part of that house was gonna be
a rehearsal space for her band,

238
00:14:49,513 --> 00:14:51,307
and while I was shooting
a pilot in Vancouver,

239
00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:53,934
it turned into
a 24-track recording studio.

240
00:14:54,018 --> 00:14:55,686
And I was so goddamn mad.

241
00:14:55,769 --> 00:14:57,187
I couldn't fucking breathe.

242
00:14:57,271 --> 00:15:00,941
We had spent $100,000
on this little fucking room,

243
00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:03,777
and that builder, that motherfucker.

244
00:15:03,861 --> 00:15:06,780
I told him, "Don't you goddamn do it.
Don't you fucking do it."

245
00:15:06,864 --> 00:15:07,948
And he fucking did it!

246
00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:11,410
While I was in Canada shooting
a fucking pilot! The motherfucker!

247
00:15:11,493 --> 00:15:15,706
You ever notice nobody ever dies
when you wish they would?

248
00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:24,506
This conversation got
so goddamn out of hand.

249
00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:27,259
The shit that should have
never got said got said,

250
00:15:27,343 --> 00:15:31,347
it just spun into
this big shit storm of fuck.

251
00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:39,188
I'll tell you how the conversation ended,
and then you'll know how it went.

252
00:15:41,231 --> 00:15:43,108
This is how the conversation ended.

253
00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:46,570
She goes, "Listen, Ron.
I'm not trying to be an asshole,"

254
00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:49,740
and I go, "Really? You're not even trying?
Well, you're gifted."

255
00:15:56,580 --> 00:15:59,917
And I told this young guy, I said,
"Yeah, if I were you, I'd go to a gay bar,

256
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:03,629
let somebody fuck me in the ass
and make goddamn sure I'm not gay,

257
00:16:03,712 --> 00:16:07,174
'cause it looks like they're having
more fun than anybody to me."

258
00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:10,928
It does too, 'cause we live
right next to West Hollywood.

259
00:16:11,011 --> 00:16:12,930
You go anywhere in West Hollywood,

260
00:16:13,013 --> 00:16:16,183
there's these gigantic gay men's clubs
with these huge patios.

261
00:16:16,266 --> 00:16:19,728
These places are packed
to the fucking rafters

262
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:22,773
at 2:30 in the afternoon,
seven days a week.

263
00:16:22,856 --> 00:16:26,568
And these guys are laughing
and dancing and drinking,

264
00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:28,737
and they're having a fucking blast.

265
00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:30,990
And you know why
they're having so much fun?

266
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:33,325
'Cause there ain't
no goddamn women there.

267
00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:35,911
That's why. That's why. 

268
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:37,663
That's why.

269
00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:41,166
They're doing whatever the fuck
they want to do

270
00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:43,460
whenever the fuck they want to do it.

271
00:16:43,919 --> 00:16:45,671
"I got a good idea, Tommy.

272
00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:47,506
Let's do a big shot of tequila,

273
00:16:47,589 --> 00:16:51,885
you snort some cocaine off my dick
and fuck me right up the butt."

274
00:16:55,055 --> 00:17:01,061
And they march off to the bathroom
and do exactly that, exactly then,

275
00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:04,189
and the reason they can is
there's not a woman there to go,

276
00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:08,944
"Well, that's morally wrong and bathrooms
aren't near clean enough to butt-fuck in."

277
00:17:17,494 --> 00:17:19,371
Oh, they beg to differ.

278
00:17:23,417 --> 00:17:25,252
I thought about being gay one time,

279
00:17:25,335 --> 00:17:28,505
and I changed my mind
when it came my turn.

280
00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:31,467
Like, "What? I got to what?

281
00:17:33,218 --> 00:17:35,179
What? What? What?

282
00:17:37,848 --> 00:17:38,682
What?"

283
00:17:45,814 --> 00:17:49,860
I'll tell you this story. This happened
last Wednesday at The Comedy Store in LA.

284
00:17:50,527 --> 00:17:54,782
And The Comedy Store in LA
is a really pretty big place.

285
00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:58,702
It's got three comedy clubs
and I'd just done a 15-minute set

286
00:17:58,827 --> 00:18:02,623
in the OR, which is the original room,
but they call it the OR.

287
00:18:02,706 --> 00:18:04,500
And right before I went on stage,

288
00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:06,210
I was in the green room of the main room,

289
00:18:06,293 --> 00:18:09,379
and they came over there and they said,
"Ron, they need you in the OR."

290
00:18:10,339 --> 00:18:12,925
I never thought anybody
would fucking say that, you know?

291
00:18:14,551 --> 00:18:17,554
So I did my set, and I'm out
in the hallway talking to Joe Rogan

292
00:18:17,638 --> 00:18:21,350
and this guy comes up to me,
in his early 30s, I would guess,

293
00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:24,478
very flamboyant, very nervous.

294
00:18:24,561 --> 00:18:26,105
And he comes up to me and goes...

295
00:18:27,856 --> 00:18:29,149
[high-pitched] "Mr. White...

296
00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:34,655
I was always going to tell you
if I ever met you

297
00:18:34,738 --> 00:18:37,783
that when my father was alive,
you were his favorite comedian by far."

298
00:18:39,034 --> 00:18:41,161
I said, "Thank you very much
for telling me that, man.

299
00:18:41,245 --> 00:18:43,789
I appreciate that,
and I'm sorry you lost your dad."

300
00:18:43,872 --> 00:18:46,625
He goes, "I was in love with you
and I'd see you on television,

301
00:18:46,708 --> 00:18:49,086
I'd pretend you were my husband
and we'd go out to eat,

302
00:18:49,169 --> 00:18:50,295
and things like that."

303
00:18:53,048 --> 00:18:56,343
I went, "Well, that's nice of you to say,
I appreciate it, very nice to meet you."

304
00:18:56,426 --> 00:18:59,388
He goes, "I had a picture of you
I used to masturbate to."

305
00:19:07,729 --> 00:19:08,689
Which one?

306
00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:17,364
And it turns out
I had no problem with it at all.

307
00:19:17,948 --> 00:19:19,992
And I'll tell you why
I didn't have a problem with it,

308
00:19:20,075 --> 00:19:25,455
'cause I thought the number of people
beating off to my image was zero.

309
00:19:30,335 --> 00:19:33,422
Turns out it's a solid one.

310
00:19:37,092 --> 00:19:38,635
I guarantee you, when I leave the house,

311
00:19:38,719 --> 00:19:42,347
my wife's not dragging out a headshot,
rubbing one off...

312
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:47,269
"You look more like Steve Bannon
every day. You're just fucking...

313
00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:49,479
just...

314
00:19:51,356 --> 00:19:55,485
Some red lipstick on that nose,
this would be hot as fuck."

315
00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:04,995
I'm not gay.

316
00:20:09,249 --> 00:20:12,002
[laughing] Seems like I'd have
something else to say after that.

317
00:20:13,462 --> 00:20:15,797
I'm not gay, but I have these moments.

318
00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:19,384
The other day I was watching Tarzan,
the new Tarzan movie.

319
00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:22,012
The newest one that's not very new,
but it's the newest one.

320
00:20:22,095 --> 00:20:25,349
And the guy that played Tarzan
was a really, really handsome fella,

321
00:20:25,432 --> 00:20:27,768
and he was really a good-looking guy,

322
00:20:27,851 --> 00:20:29,937
but I was watching it,
thinking, "You know,

323
00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:32,064
if that guy from Thor,
Chris Hemsworth, was in this,

324
00:20:32,147 --> 00:20:34,274
this would really be a better movie,

325
00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:37,277
'cause I'd just rather look at
Chris Hemsworth without his shirt on."

326
00:20:41,782 --> 00:20:43,784
What the fuck did you just think?

327
00:20:45,327 --> 00:20:48,830
I just think Chris Hemsworth's
the best-looking motherfucker.

328
00:20:48,914 --> 00:20:50,958
And then I was watching Godfather,

329
00:20:51,041 --> 00:20:52,960
I thought, "Well,
if instead of that horse head,

330
00:20:53,043 --> 00:20:55,963
they just had Chris Hemsworth
with no shirt on.

331
00:20:56,046 --> 00:21:00,717
Just his torso, blood coming out of it
and just Chris Hemsworth kind of...

332
00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:04,263
I don't want to pinch his nipples
or anything. I just like to see it."

333
00:21:05,347 --> 00:21:07,391
And I was watching that movie The Help,

334
00:21:07,474 --> 00:21:10,477
and I'm like, "I know he's not
a young negro woman, but...

335
00:21:15,524 --> 00:21:18,193
if he just had on an apron
and no shirt..."

336
00:21:27,536 --> 00:21:30,706
I consider myself
a gold star heterosexual.

337
00:21:31,623 --> 00:21:34,751
Now the reason I know this term is,
I have lesbian friends too.

338
00:21:34,835 --> 00:21:36,795
And I know
that a gold star lesbian is a woman

339
00:21:36,878 --> 00:21:39,381
who's never had any dick
not once ever in her life,

340
00:21:39,464 --> 00:21:42,426
and I've never had any dick
not once ever in my life.

341
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,389
And I know some guys
that have had one homosexual experience

342
00:21:47,472 --> 00:21:50,267
or two or 10,000, doesn't make
a fuck bit of difference to me.

343
00:21:50,350 --> 00:21:53,186
I could not possibly care any less.
I just never have.

344
00:21:53,729 --> 00:21:56,440
I didn't lose my virginity
until I was 18 years old,

345
00:21:56,523 --> 00:22:00,902
and I was in the Navy stationed
in San Diego, and I lost my virginity

346
00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:03,613
to a prostitute in Tijuana, Mexico,

347
00:22:03,697 --> 00:22:07,868
who was overweight, and her teeth
had no general direction or color.

348
00:22:09,828 --> 00:22:12,456
But she was well within my budget.

349
00:22:21,548 --> 00:22:23,592
Well, I got stationed at Pearl Harbor.

350
00:22:23,675 --> 00:22:25,260
After I'd been there for a little while,

351
00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:29,264
I found out there was one part
of Hotel Street on Oahu that you go to,

352
00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:32,768
and these really cute girls that jump
in your car and blow you for five dollars.

353
00:22:32,851 --> 00:22:35,896
Best deal I've ever heard of
in my life to this day.

354
00:22:38,315 --> 00:22:41,651
And that's about a 45-second task
with me at 18 years old. I'm like,

355
00:22:41,735 --> 00:22:43,153
"Oh! Ooh! Ahh!

356
00:22:43,236 --> 00:22:44,696
I'm out of here. I gotta go."

357
00:22:45,947 --> 00:22:48,408
I'm coming back twice a day

358
00:22:49,701 --> 00:22:51,453
every fucking day.

359
00:22:52,537 --> 00:22:54,831
I'm there for eight months.

360
00:22:57,334 --> 00:23:01,254
A little while back I was watching
this documentary on transvestites,

361
00:23:01,338 --> 00:23:04,132
and they start talking
about the transvestite scene

362
00:23:04,216 --> 00:23:09,554
that's been on Hotel Street on Oahu
for 55 years.

363
00:23:19,523 --> 00:23:21,024
Those were dudes?

364
00:23:23,026 --> 00:23:26,196
I let 150 dudes suck my dick?

365
00:23:29,074 --> 00:23:30,075
Jesus.

366
00:23:30,826 --> 00:23:31,952
What's the record?

367
00:23:35,747 --> 00:23:38,667
You'd think you can tell a man's mouth
from a woman's mouth,

368
00:23:38,792 --> 00:23:39,876
but you cannot.

369
00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:43,922
A tongue is a tongue,
and a tooth is a fucking tooth.

370
00:23:46,383 --> 00:23:48,385
If it would have been a handjob,
I'd have been going,

371
00:23:48,468 --> 00:23:51,638
"Hey, you're a plumber, dude.
get that claw off my fucking pecker."

372
00:24:02,524 --> 00:24:03,692
I ran, um...

373
00:24:04,526 --> 00:24:07,320
I ran for president of the United States,
and I don't think I won,

374
00:24:07,404 --> 00:24:10,115
because nobody's called
and I quit watching television.

375
00:24:12,117 --> 00:24:14,953
My platform was a little different
than our president's platform.

376
00:24:15,036 --> 00:24:18,999
He wants to build a wall between the US
and Mexico to keep out immigrants,

377
00:24:19,082 --> 00:24:21,710
and I wanted to build a net
between the US and Canada

378
00:24:21,793 --> 00:24:23,879
to keep those fucking geese out of here.

379
00:24:29,259 --> 00:24:30,719
I fucking hate geese.

380
00:24:31,511 --> 00:24:32,762
I fucking hate 'em.

381
00:24:32,929 --> 00:24:35,056
I got attacked by a goose
when I was a kid.

382
00:24:36,141 --> 00:24:38,852
I never got over it.
My uncle was a Baptist preacher,

383
00:24:38,935 --> 00:24:42,522
and I was at his little
white clapboard Baptist church

384
00:24:42,606 --> 00:24:44,232
in a little bitty town in Texas

385
00:24:44,316 --> 00:24:46,568
and I was sitting--
Vacation bible school.

386
00:24:46,651 --> 00:24:48,403
I'm on the back porch of the church,

387
00:24:48,487 --> 00:24:50,947
eating my little sandwich,
six years old, drinking my Kool-Aid.

388
00:24:51,031 --> 00:24:55,660
This goose comes out of this pond
like a fucking killing machine.

389
00:24:55,744 --> 00:24:57,454
[squawk]

390
00:24:57,537 --> 00:25:00,290
Bites me on the fucking leg.
Steals my sandwich.

391
00:25:00,373 --> 00:25:01,666
Leaves me shudder-crying.

392
00:25:01,750 --> 00:25:03,502
[sobbing]

393
00:25:04,211 --> 00:25:07,214
I had nightmares about it
my entire goddamn childhood.

394
00:25:07,297 --> 00:25:08,882
I fucking hate 'em.

395
00:25:14,346 --> 00:25:15,514
They're not natural.

396
00:25:17,349 --> 00:25:19,476
Geese aren't natural. They're not.

397
00:25:19,559 --> 00:25:22,395
The way they cross the street
right in front of fucking cars

398
00:25:22,479 --> 00:25:24,773
with that weird-ass confidence.

399
00:25:27,317 --> 00:25:30,195
"Yo, bitch,
what the fuck you going to do about it?"

400
00:25:31,863 --> 00:25:33,782
Lock those beady eyes on you.

401
00:25:39,412 --> 00:25:41,373
"I got 17 friends behind me.

402
00:25:41,456 --> 00:25:43,875
Nobody's moving
till we get across this street."

403
00:25:45,043 --> 00:25:48,088
They could have flown over
the fucking street.

404
00:25:54,511 --> 00:25:56,179
I'm in my car, all intimidated.

405
00:25:56,263 --> 00:25:58,181
I'm like, "What do I even do?

406
00:25:59,224 --> 00:26:02,185
I can put my car in drive
and roll over your ass.

407
00:26:02,811 --> 00:26:04,354
Nobody would give a shit."

408
00:26:04,938 --> 00:26:07,983
I wouldn't do it.
Nobody in this fucking room would do it.

409
00:26:08,316 --> 00:26:10,944
You know why? 'Cause we're
scared to fucking death of geese.

410
00:26:11,027 --> 00:26:12,862
Nobody wants to talk about it but me.

411
00:26:14,322 --> 00:26:16,658
And we should be afraid of geese too,
and I'll tell you why.

412
00:26:16,741 --> 00:26:19,202
A goose is the only animal
on the planet

413
00:26:19,286 --> 00:26:22,163
could take a jetliner
out of the fucking sky

414
00:26:23,039 --> 00:26:24,708
and make it land on the Hudson River.

415
00:26:24,791 --> 00:26:28,378
That's what happened to that plane
Sully landed on the Hudson River.

416
00:26:28,461 --> 00:26:31,715
Geese started flying
through the engines of that jet.

417
00:26:32,215 --> 00:26:35,885
Radical terrorist Canadian geese!

418
00:26:43,893 --> 00:26:44,936
Build a net.

419
00:26:48,815 --> 00:26:52,527
No other animal crosses the road
with this kind of fucking poise.

420
00:26:52,944 --> 00:26:56,281
That's all I'm saying.
No other fucking animal does this.

421
00:26:56,364 --> 00:26:59,159
When my dog gets out of the yard,
gets in the street,

422
00:26:59,242 --> 00:27:01,286
he's like, "Oh fuck! I'm in the road!"

423
00:27:03,330 --> 00:27:05,540
Does a Z-pattern to get across.

424
00:27:09,294 --> 00:27:10,211
Squirrels.

425
00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:13,131
Nature's most shitty critical thinkers.

426
00:27:16,926 --> 00:27:18,762
"Well, I've been here,
but I've never been here,

427
00:27:18,845 --> 00:27:20,180
and if I only--" Dead.

428
00:27:27,145 --> 00:27:28,730
Cats die when they touch the road.

429
00:27:28,813 --> 00:27:30,732
That's all a cat has to do,
is just, "Pow!"

430
00:27:32,817 --> 00:27:35,904
There's so many dead cats on my street,
it looks carpeted.

431
00:27:39,032 --> 00:27:41,868
You ever seen a dead goose
anywhere in your goddamn life?

432
00:27:41,951 --> 00:27:44,204
Just laying there dead,
'cause it died somewhere?

433
00:27:44,287 --> 00:27:45,872
Fuck no, you have not.

434
00:27:47,749 --> 00:27:49,668
Because they rarely fucking die.

435
00:27:53,546 --> 00:27:57,300
I have a back-up plan to curtail
the goose population in America.

436
00:27:57,634 --> 00:27:59,511
I'm going to open a chain of restaurants

437
00:27:59,594 --> 00:28:02,263
that only sells
baby goose pussy lip tacos.

438
00:28:06,184 --> 00:28:07,644
You think you know tender...

439
00:28:09,229 --> 00:28:10,855
but you really don't.

440
00:28:12,148 --> 00:28:16,736
Baby goose pussy lips makes wagyu beef
taste like boo... boot leather.

441
00:28:16,820 --> 00:28:19,698
[distorted] Wagyu beef taste
like boot leather.

442
00:28:20,949 --> 00:28:22,033
Baby goose pussy...

443
00:28:22,742 --> 00:28:26,621
[tripping over his tongue] ...makes wagyu
beef taste like boot leath... boot...

444
00:28:28,623 --> 00:28:30,500
All right,
I'm gonna rewrite this sentence.

445
00:28:33,128 --> 00:28:35,588
I can...
I got to get this right for the special.

446
00:28:35,672 --> 00:28:37,757
Baby goose pussy lips
makes wagyu beef...

447
00:28:37,841 --> 00:28:38,758
[laughing]

448
00:28:38,842 --> 00:28:39,676
Okay.

449
00:28:40,927 --> 00:28:41,761
Okay.

450
00:28:44,097 --> 00:28:45,056
All right.

451
00:28:45,974 --> 00:28:49,853
[crowd shouting encouragement]

452
00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:51,438
Baby...

453
00:28:52,522 --> 00:28:53,565
[audience member] Come on!

454
00:28:54,149 --> 00:28:55,775
All right, y'all shut up.

455
00:28:58,486 --> 00:28:59,988
Okay. I'm ready.

456
00:29:02,449 --> 00:29:03,616
Baby...

457
00:29:03,700 --> 00:29:04,534
[crowd laughing]

458
00:29:04,617 --> 00:29:06,411
Shut up, you're supposed to shut up.

459
00:29:09,122 --> 00:29:12,375
Baby goose pussy lips makes
wagyu beef taste like boot leather.

460
00:29:13,209 --> 00:29:15,170
[cheering and applause]

461
00:29:25,221 --> 00:29:26,222
That's pretty slick.

462
00:29:29,726 --> 00:29:32,437
I started this tour
a while back in Las Vegas, and...

463
00:29:33,438 --> 00:29:36,566
while I was there,
I was walking down the Strip,

464
00:29:36,649 --> 00:29:38,818
my wife and I,
and they're having a sex toy convention,

465
00:29:38,902 --> 00:29:41,154
which is one of their five
biggest conventions of the year.

466
00:29:41,237 --> 00:29:44,407
Literally, people come from all over
the world to buy stuff for their shops,

467
00:29:45,158 --> 00:29:47,160
and my wife said,
"My friend's having a shower.

468
00:29:47,243 --> 00:29:49,954
I need to get her a gag gift.
Let's go to this thing. It'll be fun."

469
00:29:50,038 --> 00:29:51,289
I'm like, "All right, let's go."

470
00:29:51,748 --> 00:29:56,294
And it was unbelievable, huge, all
the big dildo companies were there, uh....

471
00:29:57,128 --> 00:29:58,546
Fuck Rudders, uh...

472
00:29:58,630 --> 00:30:01,090
Bone Depot, Shaft Crafters.

473
00:30:02,133 --> 00:30:03,885
Black and Pecker, Peterbilt,

474
00:30:03,968 --> 00:30:05,762
Johnson & Johnson...

475
00:30:09,349 --> 00:30:10,391
and Johnson.

476
00:30:11,935 --> 00:30:15,355
So we walk up to Knob Cobblers,
or whatever the fuck the name of it was.

477
00:30:15,438 --> 00:30:16,439
I don't remember.

478
00:30:17,524 --> 00:30:20,318
We walk up to this booth
that only sells dildos.

479
00:30:20,401 --> 00:30:21,736
That's all they sell.

480
00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:24,197
And I asked the guy, I said...

481
00:30:24,823 --> 00:30:26,491
"How much are the dildos?"
And he goes,

482
00:30:27,242 --> 00:30:31,079
[angrily] "They're not dildos,
they're personal massagers."

483
00:30:36,543 --> 00:30:37,418
"All right.

484
00:30:39,546 --> 00:30:42,298
How much is the personal massager

485
00:30:43,633 --> 00:30:45,760
shaped like a big black cock?

486
00:30:52,225 --> 00:30:54,561
'Cause we're looking
for a gag gift, and...

487
00:30:55,436 --> 00:30:58,898
if that doesn't gag her, I don't know
what we're going to use, 'cause...

488
00:30:59,774 --> 00:31:02,569
it's gotta be something big, you tell me.

489
00:31:03,027 --> 00:31:06,197
A broom handle, a pool cue,

490
00:31:06,781 --> 00:31:08,616
a fucking plunger."

491
00:31:10,326 --> 00:31:12,829
Gag, woman, gag.

492
00:31:17,166 --> 00:31:18,835
There were porno movies everywhere,

493
00:31:18,918 --> 00:31:21,170
but the porno movie
that caught my eye was called

494
00:31:21,254 --> 00:31:24,465
Fat Midgets Fucking Fat Midgets...

495
00:31:25,717 --> 00:31:26,968
Two.

496
00:31:32,015 --> 00:31:33,182
I would have missed the boat

497
00:31:33,266 --> 00:31:35,101
if I was in the porno business
right there.

498
00:31:35,184 --> 00:31:40,315
I'd have said, "Ain't nobody gonna pay
to watch fat midgets fuck fat midgets."

499
00:31:41,441 --> 00:31:43,192
Bullshit, there's a sequel.

500
00:31:46,362 --> 00:31:50,199
Apparently there were some unanswered
questions in Fat Midgets...

501
00:31:52,035 --> 00:31:53,202
Fucking Fat Midgets.

502
00:31:54,621 --> 00:31:56,956
I picked up the DVD, looked at the cover,

503
00:31:57,040 --> 00:32:00,752
it looked like somebody's trying to shove
a pumpkin through a beach ball.

504
00:32:05,840 --> 00:32:07,300
Now I've got questions.

505
00:32:09,802 --> 00:32:13,806
And then the whole experience
just started to creep me the fuck out.

506
00:32:14,349 --> 00:32:17,435
I just grabbed
my big black dick and left.

507
00:32:17,518 --> 00:32:19,187
I don't need this shit.

508
00:32:24,317 --> 00:32:26,653
It seemed like they would give you
a sack or something.

509
00:32:55,348 --> 00:32:59,686
My wife does yoga, and next to
her yoga school in Beverly Hills,

510
00:32:59,769 --> 00:33:02,188
there's a spa that offers treatments

511
00:33:03,022 --> 00:33:04,273
that I've never heard of.

512
00:33:06,484 --> 00:33:10,697
One of these treatments is a thing
called anal bleaching.

513
00:33:12,448 --> 00:33:14,993
I'll give you a second
to get your arms around that.

514
00:33:16,911 --> 00:33:18,871
Now I've never walked
in the doors of this place,

515
00:33:18,955 --> 00:33:21,624
and I don't know exactly 
what they're up to, but...

516
00:33:21,708 --> 00:33:23,084
apparently...

517
00:33:24,377 --> 00:33:25,586
some people...

518
00:33:27,130 --> 00:33:31,509
are really unhappy
with the color of the old bunghole.

519
00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:38,891
So unhappy, they're willing to bleach it

520
00:33:39,934 --> 00:33:42,645
until it becomes a more desirable color.

521
00:33:46,024 --> 00:33:49,277
Now I don't know if they have
a color in mind when they start,

522
00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:53,740
or if you just bleach it
and get whatever the fuck you get.

523
00:33:55,074 --> 00:33:58,327
Or if there's some paint chips
and a tray of Smile Bright.

524
00:33:58,411 --> 00:34:00,580
You're just spreading your ass cheeks,

525
00:34:00,663 --> 00:34:03,499
squatting into a tray of solution
for a limited amount of time

526
00:34:03,583 --> 00:34:05,043
for a desired result.

527
00:34:18,097 --> 00:34:19,348
[inaudible]

528
00:34:25,313 --> 00:34:27,106
[shouting] What's it look like now?

529
00:34:39,869 --> 00:34:40,787
I don't know.

530
00:34:43,456 --> 00:34:44,540
I know this.

531
00:34:46,292 --> 00:34:49,629
I have no idea what color my asshole is.

532
00:34:50,838 --> 00:34:54,383
I don't have that kind of mirror
or that kind of friend.

533
00:34:59,097 --> 00:35:01,140
Nobody wants to be a white asshole,

534
00:35:01,224 --> 00:35:03,351
but everybody wants to have one
all of a sudden.

535
00:35:03,434 --> 00:35:07,188
I don't know what
I'm supposed to tell my fucking relatives.

536
00:35:15,947 --> 00:35:18,366
Another service they offer at this spa...

537
00:35:22,411 --> 00:35:26,249
is a thing called vaginal rejuvenation.

538
00:35:28,626 --> 00:35:29,460
All right.

539
00:35:36,050 --> 00:35:40,388
Now, I think it's a little strange
that vaginal rejuvenation is fine,

540
00:35:41,347 --> 00:35:45,143
yet it's illegal to roll back
the odometer on your car.

541
00:35:57,321 --> 00:36:00,575
Vaginal rejuvenation.
Rejuvenate your vagina.

542
00:36:00,658 --> 00:36:05,788
It was juvenated, it became un-juvenated,
it needs to be rejuvenated.

543
00:36:05,872 --> 00:36:07,582
Bring it into the shop.

544
00:36:11,460 --> 00:36:13,588
Now, I don't know
what's wrong with your vagina

545
00:36:13,671 --> 00:36:16,257
that makes you think
it needs to be rejuvenated.

546
00:36:16,340 --> 00:36:19,969
I don't know if it just looks tired 
or sad, or...

547
00:36:21,220 --> 00:36:23,848
worried about something
it can't do anything about.

548
00:36:28,186 --> 00:36:29,478
Well, whatever it is,

549
00:36:30,229 --> 00:36:32,523
I wouldn't worry about it if I were you.

550
00:36:32,940 --> 00:36:34,901
I wouldn't and I'll tell you why.

551
00:36:35,818 --> 00:36:39,739
Because the most jacked-up cooch
I've ever seen in my life

552
00:36:40,740 --> 00:36:44,619
is way better looking than my ball sack.

553
00:36:58,341 --> 00:37:00,426
Besides, if you're at that point
in a make-out session,

554
00:37:00,509 --> 00:37:01,677
you're gonna do it anyway.

555
00:37:01,761 --> 00:37:04,013
It doesn't matter
what it fucking looks like.

556
00:37:04,096 --> 00:37:07,767
It's like you were waiting in line
for two hours to ride a roller coaster

557
00:37:07,850 --> 00:37:10,686
and it finally shows up and the seats
are kinda bumpy and worn out.

558
00:37:10,770 --> 00:37:13,564
You're still going to hop in
that motherfucker. Yeah!

559
00:37:18,277 --> 00:37:21,113
'Cause I don't have the answer
to a lot of life's questions.

560
00:37:22,114 --> 00:37:23,074
Or any.

561
00:37:25,243 --> 00:37:27,703
But oddly enough,
I do have a suggestion for this.

562
00:37:28,329 --> 00:37:31,040
Ladies, if you don't like
the way the cooch is looking,

563
00:37:32,250 --> 00:37:34,252
before you go do something that extreme,

564
00:37:35,211 --> 00:37:36,087
try this.

565
00:37:37,546 --> 00:37:38,547
Quit trimming it...

566
00:37:41,425 --> 00:37:42,468
for a year.

567
00:37:44,679 --> 00:37:46,555
And just do a comb-over.

568
00:37:46,639 --> 00:37:49,767
From the big lip to the little lip,
right over the clit,

569
00:37:49,850 --> 00:37:51,894
tuck in the meat curtains if you got 'em.

570
00:37:51,978 --> 00:37:55,606
Get some Brylcreem
and some dippity-do and a hair dryer.

571
00:37:58,234 --> 00:38:00,069
And just set it and forget it...

572
00:38:00,903 --> 00:38:02,655
and fucking shut it down.

573
00:38:13,416 --> 00:38:16,085
I understand how unnecessary that was.

574
00:38:22,717 --> 00:38:24,093
Somebody asked me to do this story.

575
00:38:24,176 --> 00:38:26,929
I'm going to do it,
'cause I'm surprised they know it, but...

576
00:38:28,431 --> 00:38:30,599
I support the Montreal Comedy Festival,

577
00:38:30,683 --> 00:38:33,477
and if you ever have a chance
to go to Montreal in the summer

578
00:38:33,561 --> 00:38:36,564
to go to the festival,
it's the coolest fucking thing there is.

579
00:38:36,647 --> 00:38:39,984
I do it all the time.
Montreal's a gorgeous city,

580
00:38:40,067 --> 00:38:44,196
and the festivals are done in 20 venues
all over the town, beautiful thing.

581
00:38:45,114 --> 00:38:48,409
And every year SiriusXM does
a live broadcast from there.

582
00:38:48,534 --> 00:38:50,036
It was about three years ago,

583
00:38:50,119 --> 00:38:52,747
and there were six comics
in an open forum, telling stories,

584
00:38:52,830 --> 00:38:54,415
and this is the story that I told.

585
00:38:54,498 --> 00:38:56,417
It's very short.
It happened a long time ago,

586
00:38:57,168 --> 00:38:59,045
which doesn't fucking matter.

587
00:39:01,464 --> 00:39:05,134
It's not like if I told you the story
without saying that, you'd have gone,

588
00:39:05,718 --> 00:39:09,221
"That was very short
and happened a long time ago.

589
00:39:10,723 --> 00:39:12,975
I wish you would have
told us that up front."

590
00:39:21,817 --> 00:39:25,154
I was the feature act
at the Punchline Comedy Club

591
00:39:25,237 --> 00:39:27,073
in Sacramento, California.

592
00:39:27,656 --> 00:39:30,868
And traditionally in American
comedy clubs, there's three acts.

593
00:39:30,951 --> 00:39:34,330
There's an opening act that makes between
100 and 200 a week for nine shows,

594
00:39:34,413 --> 00:39:35,915
the feature act, which is what I was,

595
00:39:35,998 --> 00:39:38,459
makes between 400 and 500 bucks a week
for nine shows,

596
00:39:38,542 --> 00:39:41,170
and a headliner
who can make absolutely anything

597
00:39:41,253 --> 00:39:42,755
depending on who they are.

598
00:39:42,838 --> 00:39:44,799
And traditionally during the week,

599
00:39:45,508 --> 00:39:47,468
these three comics would go to the mall

600
00:39:47,551 --> 00:39:51,180
and those two comics would watch
that comic spend money.

601
00:39:53,474 --> 00:39:55,184
These two comics don't have any money.

602
00:39:55,267 --> 00:39:57,103
These are two broke fucking fingers.

603
00:39:59,230 --> 00:40:02,566
So I've just driven from Dallas
to Sacramento to make $400.

604
00:40:02,650 --> 00:40:03,984
That's how much money I've got.

605
00:40:04,068 --> 00:40:05,653
So I don't have "go out and party money".

606
00:40:05,736 --> 00:40:08,864
I've got "go get a six-pack of beer
and a frozen pizza".

607
00:40:08,948 --> 00:40:12,868
Not the good frozen pizza,
the other fucking frozen fucking pizza,

608
00:40:13,619 --> 00:40:15,996
and go back to the shitty little motel
they rent us,

609
00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:18,624
and one night a week,
I'd let myself rent a porno movie,

610
00:40:18,707 --> 00:40:19,917
and I'd call this date night.

611
00:40:23,421 --> 00:40:27,508
So I'm all set up. My beer is cold.
My pizza is done. I ordered the movie.

612
00:40:27,591 --> 00:40:31,095
It says, "Please enjoy your feature film,"
but nothing comes on the television.

613
00:40:31,178 --> 00:40:32,930
I'm like, "No!

614
00:40:34,140 --> 00:40:35,766
No, this has to fucking happen.

615
00:40:35,850 --> 00:40:37,935
I don't have
another eight goddamn dollars."

616
00:40:38,352 --> 00:40:40,229
And I called the front desk
in a panic.

617
00:40:40,312 --> 00:40:43,023
I said, "I ordered a movie, it said,
'Please enjoy your feature film,'

618
00:40:43,107 --> 00:40:44,233
but nothing came on the TV."

619
00:40:44,316 --> 00:40:46,902
She goes, "I'll send somebody
over from Maintenance," I'm like...

620
00:40:52,450 --> 00:40:55,161
Knock on the door, it's a chick from
Maintenance. "What's the problem?"

621
00:40:55,244 --> 00:40:56,328
I said, "I ordered a movie,

622
00:40:56,412 --> 00:40:59,123
it said, 'Please enjoy your feature film,'
but nothing came on the TV."

623
00:40:59,206 --> 00:41:00,749
She goes, "What did you order?"

624
00:41:04,420 --> 00:41:05,463
Cast Away.

625
00:41:07,131 --> 00:41:09,592
She goes, "Look it's just
on the wrong channel." Click.

626
00:41:13,929 --> 00:41:15,598
What's she doing to Wilson?

627
00:41:21,854 --> 00:41:23,522
She's gonna overinflate him.

628
00:41:33,949 --> 00:41:35,159
And, uh...

629
00:41:35,242 --> 00:41:38,078
this is a story my mother told me
I should do on stage.

630
00:41:38,162 --> 00:41:40,998
I just told her the other day. Anyway...

631
00:41:41,081 --> 00:41:43,209
I was a bed-wetter, and...

632
00:41:44,418 --> 00:41:46,212
I was mortified by it.

633
00:41:46,295 --> 00:41:50,257
I mean, I wet the bed all the fucking time
and I just hated myself for it.

634
00:41:50,341 --> 00:41:54,553
That's the worst thing you can be
as a little kid is a fucking bed-wetter.

635
00:41:54,637 --> 00:41:57,139
And I would never go spend the night
at anybody's house,

636
00:41:57,223 --> 00:42:00,017
'cause I knew I'd wet the bed
and they'd find out I was a bed-wetter,

637
00:42:00,100 --> 00:42:02,436
and so far nobody really knew
but my mom and my dad,

638
00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:04,688
and it was just my biggest secret.

639
00:42:04,772 --> 00:42:07,274
And I was about 12 years old

640
00:42:07,358 --> 00:42:09,652
and I had gone three months
without wetting the bed.

641
00:42:09,735 --> 00:42:11,570
I'm like, "I'm through it.
I'm fucking over it."

642
00:42:11,654 --> 00:42:14,073
So I decided to spend the night
at Joe Paine's house,

643
00:42:14,156 --> 00:42:16,575
who had been my friend
since I was six years old.

644
00:42:16,659 --> 00:42:20,120
And he had bunk beds in his room,
and Joe Paine's on the top bed,

645
00:42:20,204 --> 00:42:21,580
Danny Davis is on the lower bed,

646
00:42:21,705 --> 00:42:24,041
and I'm on a sleeping bag
on the floor,

647
00:42:24,542 --> 00:42:28,045
and I wet the fucking bed,
and I'm, like, mortified.

648
00:42:28,128 --> 00:42:32,091
I'm like, "They're gonna know. They're
gonna know I'm a fucking bed-wetter.

649
00:42:32,174 --> 00:42:34,969
My fucking life is over.
They're going to fucking know.

650
00:42:37,012 --> 00:42:38,806
Nothing could make this better.

651
00:42:40,057 --> 00:42:41,100
Unless...

652
00:42:42,643 --> 00:42:44,520
one of them wet the bed."

653
00:42:46,105 --> 00:42:49,858
And as a 12-year-old,
I make a conscious decision

654
00:42:50,317 --> 00:42:52,820
to piss on my friend...

655
00:42:56,532 --> 00:42:58,367
to make me look better.

656
00:42:59,577 --> 00:43:02,621
That's what kind of person I am
right there, 12 years old.

657
00:43:02,705 --> 00:43:05,374
You imagine how I think
fucking now what I'd do to you.

658
00:43:06,917 --> 00:43:10,296
I'd have peed on both of them,
but one of them was too fucking high

659
00:43:10,379 --> 00:43:14,800
and I was like, I'd piss on the wall
trying to piss on that guy. I was 12.

660
00:43:14,883 --> 00:43:16,927
I could piss like a fucking fire hydrant.

661
00:43:18,512 --> 00:43:20,889
And Danny wakes up and he goes,
"I had a dream.

662
00:43:20,973 --> 00:43:23,017
Somebody was peeing on me!

663
00:43:23,934 --> 00:43:25,603
And I wet the bed!"

664
00:43:26,228 --> 00:43:28,897
And I'm like, "Me too!"

665
00:43:37,114 --> 00:43:38,490
And I never told him.

666
00:43:39,325 --> 00:43:41,869
I always let him think
he wet the fucking bed.

667
00:43:42,995 --> 00:43:45,539
And the way he found out
he didn't wet the bed,

668
00:43:45,623 --> 00:43:48,500
is he lived in Round Rock, Texas,
and I hadn't really seen him in years,

669
00:43:48,584 --> 00:43:51,962
and I was doing this radio station
and I told that story,

670
00:43:52,421 --> 00:43:55,841
and he called the radio station,
"You fucking pissed on me?

671
00:43:56,717 --> 00:43:57,885
You let me think,

672
00:43:57,968 --> 00:44:01,513
I went my whole life, that I'd pissed
in Joe Paine's fucking bunk bed?"

673
00:44:17,821 --> 00:44:21,867
So my wife and I,
we both tour extensively, and, uh...

674
00:44:21,950 --> 00:44:27,498
she bought us two dogs, which, you know,
just makes touring easier if you...

675
00:44:30,542 --> 00:44:33,754
have a couple of dogs to drag
with you on all those flights, and...

676
00:44:33,837 --> 00:44:37,508
she bought us two French Bulldogs.
If you don't know what they look like,

677
00:44:37,591 --> 00:44:40,427
it looks like a pug was raped
by a fruit bat.

678
00:44:47,434 --> 00:44:48,894
She brings these dogs home,

679
00:44:48,977 --> 00:44:51,689
and I'm like, "What the fuck?"
And she goes, "They're watchdogs,"

680
00:44:51,772 --> 00:44:53,774
I'm like, "What are they gonna watch?
Television?"

681
00:44:55,025 --> 00:44:57,277
But it turns out,
they're great watchdogs.

682
00:44:57,361 --> 00:44:59,488
And not because if somebody was breaking
into our house,

683
00:44:59,571 --> 00:45:02,116
they would make a bunch of noise
and scare those people away,

684
00:45:02,199 --> 00:45:04,410
because you couldn't
possibly wake them up.

685
00:45:06,245 --> 00:45:08,664
But when somebody
breaks into our house now,

686
00:45:08,747 --> 00:45:12,918
they discover that all of our things
have been chewed up and pissed on.

687
00:45:16,130 --> 00:45:19,550
And word of that spreads
throughout the criminal community.

688
00:45:20,718 --> 00:45:22,761
And nobody wants our shit anymore.

689
00:45:26,932 --> 00:45:28,100
We don't even want it.

690
00:45:31,019 --> 00:45:34,565
I'm the watchdog at our house.
I'm the reluctant watchdog.

691
00:45:36,191 --> 00:45:37,526
I don't sleep very well.

692
00:45:38,444 --> 00:45:39,903
I have sleep apnea,

693
00:45:40,529 --> 00:45:42,114
which keeps my wife awake.

694
00:45:45,325 --> 00:45:49,580
I think if it didn't keep my wife awake,
I wouldn't know I had it.

695
00:45:58,714 --> 00:46:01,925
Here's what I get at three o'clock in the
morning when I have a six o'clock flight:

696
00:46:02,342 --> 00:46:04,636
[whispering] "Ron. Ron, wake up.

697
00:46:05,345 --> 00:46:07,055
Ron, wake up. Did you hear that?"

698
00:46:12,227 --> 00:46:15,439
Did you just wake me up
to ask me if I heard something?

699
00:46:18,650 --> 00:46:20,903
[whispering] "Did you?"
Do you think I fucking heard it?

700
00:46:22,738 --> 00:46:23,781
"Go see what it is."

701
00:46:23,864 --> 00:46:25,616
Wake up those fucking dogs you bought.

702
00:46:25,699 --> 00:46:26,909
That's the whole plan.

703
00:46:26,992 --> 00:46:28,660
I walk out there and get shot,

704
00:46:28,744 --> 00:46:31,997
her and them dogs leave out the back door,
hop in the Mercedes,

705
00:46:32,080 --> 00:46:34,374
live the life of Riley,

706
00:46:35,042 --> 00:46:38,670
while I bleed to death
on that fucking rug she had to have.

707
00:46:43,133 --> 00:46:44,510
And there's never anybody there.

708
00:46:44,593 --> 00:46:48,013
I have no idea what I'd do if I walked out
and somebody was there, I'd be like...

709
00:46:48,096 --> 00:46:49,306
[yawning]

710
00:46:49,389 --> 00:46:50,224
[click]

711
00:46:51,099 --> 00:46:52,017
Oh, hey.

712
00:46:54,520 --> 00:46:55,604
You were right!

713
00:46:57,439 --> 00:46:59,191
Call 9-1-1 or something.

714
00:46:59,942 --> 00:47:03,278
Don't worry about them. They're watchdogs.
They just like to watch.

715
00:47:04,321 --> 00:47:07,032
If you tilt that a little bit,
you can get it through that door.

716
00:47:08,367 --> 00:47:11,495
I know it smells like piss.
It all smells like piss, dude.

717
00:47:12,746 --> 00:47:14,957
I'd help you move it out,
but I'm bleeding.

718
00:47:15,749 --> 00:47:19,253
You should have the person help you move
all the shit out and then shoot him.

719
00:47:19,336 --> 00:47:21,088
I'm also an idea man.

720
00:47:26,093 --> 00:47:28,887
And I am an idea man, too.
This is my new idea.

721
00:47:28,971 --> 00:47:30,013
This is, uh...

722
00:47:30,722 --> 00:47:33,392
This is brilliant.
It's a dating website...

723
00:47:33,475 --> 00:47:36,436
and I actually saw another dating website
that made me think of mine.

724
00:47:36,979 --> 00:47:40,399
The one I saw was called,
"It's Just Lunch,"

725
00:47:40,482 --> 00:47:42,734
and what they do
is they just hook people up,

726
00:47:42,818 --> 00:47:45,487
and they have lunch, broad daylight,
right in the middle of the day.

727
00:47:45,571 --> 00:47:48,490
[high-pitched] That's all. Just lunch.
We're just gonna have lunch.

728
00:47:48,574 --> 00:47:50,158
That's all. Just lunch.

729
00:47:50,242 --> 00:47:53,787
Maybe a salad and a sandwich.
Maybe a half a sandwich and a soup.

730
00:47:53,871 --> 00:47:55,122
You know, they do that now.

731
00:47:55,205 --> 00:47:58,166
Probably a big glass of tea
with a big slice of lemon.

732
00:47:58,250 --> 00:47:59,585
We're just gonna have lunch.

733
00:47:59,668 --> 00:48:01,670
That's all. Just lunch.

734
00:48:08,343 --> 00:48:09,386
Okay, here's mine:

735
00:48:10,512 --> 00:48:12,055
Just lunch, and a blowjob.

736
00:48:14,224 --> 00:48:15,934
See how much funner it is to say?

737
00:48:16,018 --> 00:48:18,061
It's almost like there's a clown there.

738
00:48:18,145 --> 00:48:20,480
[silly voice] "Just lunch and a blowjob!"

739
00:48:24,610 --> 00:48:26,987
Lady in the first show goes,
"What's in it for the woman?"

740
00:48:27,112 --> 00:48:28,447
I'm like, "Lunch."

741
00:48:34,119 --> 00:48:35,746
[high-pitched] It's just lunch.

742
00:48:42,544 --> 00:48:46,465
My doctor the other day said,
"Ron, you cannot gain any more weight,"

743
00:48:46,548 --> 00:48:48,675
and I said, "That's what I thought."

744
00:48:56,141 --> 00:48:59,519
My wife's on my ass
about me taking better care of myself.

745
00:49:00,437 --> 00:49:02,898
She bought me a bicycle,
thinking I might ride it.

746
00:49:04,232 --> 00:49:05,275
It's for sale.

747
00:49:06,944 --> 00:49:09,363
And if you're looking for a bicycle,
it's a great deal.

748
00:49:09,446 --> 00:49:11,573
It's got 750 yards on it.

749
00:49:13,033 --> 00:49:16,328
It was a demo when I bought it,
had 350 yards already on it,

750
00:49:16,411 --> 00:49:18,580
but I put the other 400 yards
on it myself.

751
00:49:18,997 --> 00:49:22,876
And if you'd like to buy the bicycle,
just go to my house in Beverly Hills,

752
00:49:23,543 --> 00:49:26,296
and it's 400 yards from there.

753
00:49:33,136 --> 00:49:35,013
Fuck it. I'll walk back.

754
00:49:38,725 --> 00:49:42,020
I think, at 61 years old,
my best fucking days are behind me,

755
00:49:42,104 --> 00:49:45,023
'cause it wasn't that long ago
that I could make my wife scream

756
00:49:45,107 --> 00:49:47,401
and now she makes any noise at all,
it's to go,

757
00:49:48,026 --> 00:49:50,487
"Do you need to take a little break or...?

758
00:49:51,488 --> 00:49:54,032
You look like
you just ate a ghost pepper."

759
00:49:58,620 --> 00:50:01,164
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

760
00:50:03,583 --> 00:50:07,212
I'm better at oral sex than I've ever been
and I think it's just because I'm older

761
00:50:07,295 --> 00:50:10,173
and I'm just more patient than I was
when I was young, because...

762
00:50:10,257 --> 00:50:14,094
'cause now I'll lay there for hours
and let you do your thing.

763
00:50:14,928 --> 00:50:15,762
I...

764
00:50:21,268 --> 00:50:22,811
I got nowhere to be.

765
00:50:27,649 --> 00:50:30,235
My friend told me the other day
that he wouldn't give his wife head

766
00:50:30,318 --> 00:50:31,903
unless she just came out of the shower,

767
00:50:31,987 --> 00:50:35,323
and I told him I'll give my wife head
if she just came out of the gym.

768
00:50:36,324 --> 00:50:38,076
'Cause I don't care
if she's a little salty.

769
00:50:40,746 --> 00:50:44,207
In fact, if she's too clean,
I salt her. I do.

770
00:50:44,291 --> 00:50:46,334
I keep a salt shaker
by the side of the bed.

771
00:50:46,418 --> 00:50:48,462
When she looks the other way,
I just grab it.

772
00:50:50,714 --> 00:50:52,466
I think it brings out the flavor.

773
00:50:52,549 --> 00:50:54,509
I really do. I really do.

774
00:50:56,511 --> 00:50:57,345
In the summer,

775
00:50:57,429 --> 00:51:00,265
I keep a bowl of limes
right next to the salt shaker,

776
00:51:00,348 --> 00:51:03,852
and I'll just get a lime,
squirt a little lime juice in there,

777
00:51:03,935 --> 00:51:08,231
little bit of salt,
hunker down, do some pussy shots.

778
00:51:08,315 --> 00:51:09,399
That's what I do.

779
00:51:15,447 --> 00:51:17,574
Do not try that at home.

780
00:51:19,534 --> 00:51:21,953
I got like 20 tweets from one guy, going,

781
00:51:22,037 --> 00:51:25,874
"My wife's pussy was burning like..."
No, you didn't.

782
00:51:26,917 --> 00:51:28,376
You fucking idiot.

783
00:51:28,460 --> 00:51:30,587
No, you fucking didn't.

784
00:51:30,670 --> 00:51:33,673
You went to one of my shows, you--
She let you!

785
00:51:34,508 --> 00:51:37,969
You and her were standing in the kitchen
and looked at that lime.

786
00:51:44,810 --> 00:51:46,812
You can't fix stupid.

787
00:51:48,105 --> 00:51:50,857
[cheering and applause]

788
00:52:08,834 --> 00:52:10,627
[whistling]

789
00:52:11,920 --> 00:52:13,713
I'm on break. Sorry.

790
00:52:18,635 --> 00:52:21,096
Cheers, this is just special, right here.

791
00:52:21,179 --> 00:52:23,098
You guys are amazing. Thanks a lot.

792
00:52:23,181 --> 00:52:24,015
[whooping]

793
00:52:29,771 --> 00:52:30,856
Um...

794
00:52:32,816 --> 00:52:34,276
The other day, um...

795
00:52:35,610 --> 00:52:37,654
Jeff... Jeff Foxworthy and I were...

796
00:52:37,737 --> 00:52:41,032
Jeff has a special on Sirius
called The Comic's Mind,

797
00:52:41,116 --> 00:52:43,076
and he'd been talking to me
about doing it.

798
00:52:43,160 --> 00:52:45,245
And we decided on a date
that we would do it,

799
00:52:45,328 --> 00:52:48,081
and we decided to do it from
the Punchline here in Atlanta

800
00:52:48,165 --> 00:52:50,458
in front of a live crowd,
and it was really fun.

801
00:52:50,542 --> 00:52:53,545
And it really reminded Jeff and I of
how much fun we have on stage together

802
00:52:53,628 --> 00:52:55,589
and how much
we like to play off each other.

803
00:52:55,672 --> 00:52:58,175
And before the thing started,

804
00:52:58,258 --> 00:53:01,636
I had my tour bus up there,
Jeff and I are sitting on my tour bus

805
00:53:01,720 --> 00:53:04,347
and this Golden Corral commercial
comes on television,

806
00:53:04,431 --> 00:53:06,057
which is where Jeff works now.

807
00:53:08,935 --> 00:53:12,564
And I double snotted
my own fucking television.

808
00:53:12,647 --> 00:53:14,149
It was so fucking funny.

809
00:53:14,232 --> 00:53:16,484
I'm like, "Really? Golden Corral?

810
00:53:17,068 --> 00:53:20,780
What kind of balls does it take
to put the word 'corral'

811
00:53:20,864 --> 00:53:23,575
on the name
of your fucking restaurant?"

812
00:53:24,618 --> 00:53:26,536
Boy, do they know that demographic!

813
00:53:28,330 --> 00:53:31,166
Come on down to the Golden Corral.

814
00:53:31,249 --> 00:53:35,003
[mooing]

815
00:53:35,086 --> 00:53:38,340
Welcome to our giant
all-you-can-eat food trough.

816
00:53:38,423 --> 00:53:40,842
[mooing]

817
00:53:41,635 --> 00:53:44,763
We have a chocolate waterfall
and a cotton candy machine.

818
00:53:44,846 --> 00:53:46,514
[bleating]

819
00:53:47,849 --> 00:53:50,852
I can't wait till they go hog-wild
and just put a sugar lick

820
00:53:50,936 --> 00:53:53,146
right there in the middle
of the fucking room.

821
00:53:55,315 --> 00:53:56,733
That's delicious.

822
00:53:57,025 --> 00:53:59,277
That little spot tastes like Skittles.

823
00:54:00,946 --> 00:54:03,949
"Get too fat at the Golden Corral,
go to the Dress Barn."

824
00:54:04,032 --> 00:54:05,784
That's insensitive right there.

825
00:54:05,867 --> 00:54:11,748
"Get a dress the size of a fucking barn
and come on back to the Golden Corral."

826
00:54:11,831 --> 00:54:15,085
[mooing]

827
00:54:18,838 --> 00:54:20,715
They call it Golden Corral, of course,

828
00:54:20,799 --> 00:54:24,928
because somebody was already using
the name "Ye Olde Fat Fuckery".

829
00:54:34,020 --> 00:54:36,940
My cousin Ray,
who I've talked about on stage before,

830
00:54:37,023 --> 00:54:39,651
he's a real guy,
he only eats at the Golden Corral

831
00:54:39,734 --> 00:54:43,446
because my cousin Ray
only dates... huge women.

832
00:54:44,030 --> 00:54:47,951
That's his deal. Always has been.
He likes them big big.

833
00:54:48,034 --> 00:54:50,120
Not plump girls, not fat girls.

834
00:54:50,203 --> 00:54:52,038
Great big, old big 'uns.

835
00:54:52,122 --> 00:54:54,040
Great big old, big old, big 'uns.

836
00:54:54,124 --> 00:54:56,793
Big old round 'uns, big old...

837
00:54:57,210 --> 00:55:00,880
muumuu and 400-plus,
great big old big 'uns.

838
00:55:01,840 --> 00:55:05,635
And he said that the Golden Corral's
the best place to find these people

839
00:55:05,719 --> 00:55:08,388
'cause he says that's where
the really big girls like to winter.

840
00:55:08,471 --> 00:55:09,389
He didn't say that.

841
00:55:12,017 --> 00:55:13,685
He brought one to Vegas last year,

842
00:55:13,768 --> 00:55:16,313
and I saw her by the swimming pool
in a two-piece bathing suit,

843
00:55:16,396 --> 00:55:20,400
and I can't jack the fucking memory
out of my goddamn skull.

844
00:55:21,484 --> 00:55:23,778
Looked like somebody had stretched
a rubber band

845
00:55:23,862 --> 00:55:26,031
over a gigantic hall of fucking...

846
00:55:26,448 --> 00:55:27,741
Let me try that again.

847
00:55:32,329 --> 00:55:34,622
[audience whooping]

848
00:55:35,248 --> 00:55:37,375
Looked like somebody had stretched a...

849
00:55:39,544 --> 00:55:41,421
Looked like somebody
had stretched a rubber band

850
00:55:41,504 --> 00:55:43,882
over a gigantic head of cauliflower.

851
00:55:44,299 --> 00:55:46,009
[cheering and applause]

852
00:55:51,014 --> 00:55:52,766
And I was like, "Goddamn, Ray!"

853
00:55:52,849 --> 00:55:54,559
He said, "Well, she's had three kids."

854
00:55:54,642 --> 00:55:56,019
I'm like, "What, for lunch?

855
00:55:56,102 --> 00:55:57,145
Fuck, dude.

856
00:56:00,523 --> 00:56:02,525
You got to quit eating them babies, ma'am.

857
00:56:05,195 --> 00:56:07,238
Put down that ketchup
and drop that toddler.

858
00:56:09,449 --> 00:56:11,785
Eat this baby goose pussy lip taco."

859
00:56:22,379 --> 00:56:24,089
Back in 1996,

860
00:56:24,172 --> 00:56:27,217
my dear friend Jeff Foxworthy became
the biggest comedian that ever lived.

861
00:56:27,300 --> 00:56:28,551
I don't know if you know.

862
00:56:28,635 --> 00:56:32,680
Jeff sold more comedy albums than
Richard Pryor and Bill Cosby combined.

863
00:56:32,764 --> 00:56:34,641
Over 15 million albums,

864
00:56:34,724 --> 00:56:38,144
not including the millions and millions
of Blue Collar albums you guys bought.

865
00:56:38,228 --> 00:56:41,481
Thank you from the bottom
of my heart for that.

866
00:56:41,564 --> 00:56:43,566
[cheering and applause]

867
00:56:47,987 --> 00:56:50,532
When Jeff got big enough
to take somebody with him,

868
00:56:50,615 --> 00:56:51,991
he took me with him,

869
00:56:52,117 --> 00:56:55,078
which was an amazingly gracious thing
for Jeff to do for me.

870
00:56:55,537 --> 00:56:58,873
He always believed in my talent,
but not my work ethic.

871
00:57:01,292 --> 00:57:04,587
And it was his goal for a lot of years
to make me a famous comedian,

872
00:57:04,671 --> 00:57:08,174
and he truly sucks at it,
'cause it took him for fuckin' ever.

873
00:57:10,718 --> 00:57:14,681
I don't mean to seem ungrateful,
but I got shit to do, Jeff.

874
00:57:22,730 --> 00:57:26,151
First big gig we did together was
the first week in December 1996

875
00:57:26,234 --> 00:57:27,986
at the MGM Grand in Vegas.

876
00:57:28,069 --> 00:57:31,573
And You Might Be A Redneck had been
the number one-selling comedy album

877
00:57:31,656 --> 00:57:33,116
in the country for a year and a half.

878
00:57:33,199 --> 00:57:36,703
It's still the number one-selling
comedy album of all time, and, uh...

879
00:57:37,412 --> 00:57:39,706
Jeff had been my friend for ten years,
and suddenly, kaboom,

880
00:57:39,789 --> 00:57:41,374
he's the biggest comedian in the world.

881
00:57:41,458 --> 00:57:45,795
His face is plastered all over Vegas
and we are having a fucking blast.

882
00:57:46,337 --> 00:57:49,507
We have an all-access pass to Las Vegas,

883
00:57:49,924 --> 00:57:54,804
which is way better than the no-access
pass we had right before that.

884
00:57:58,725 --> 00:58:02,061
Well, that same year
my dear friend Bill Engvall, the dancer...

885
00:58:07,442 --> 00:58:08,860
People ask me all the time,

886
00:58:08,943 --> 00:58:11,029
"Do you think you'll ever do
Dancing With The Stars?"

887
00:58:11,112 --> 00:58:14,949
I'm like, "Not unless something
goes horribly fucking wrong."

888
00:58:19,829 --> 00:58:22,665
Well, that year, Bill was touring
with Reba McEntire.

889
00:58:22,749 --> 00:58:26,085
The same week we were at the MGM Grand,
they were at Caesars Palace,

890
00:58:26,169 --> 00:58:28,296
and that same weekend,
Larry The Cable Guy was at

891
00:58:28,379 --> 00:58:31,424
the International House of Pancakes
in Tucson, Arizona.

892
00:58:34,219 --> 00:58:35,887
Just getting her done, and...

893
00:58:37,430 --> 00:58:39,724
He wasn't there,
but the three of us were.

894
00:58:39,807 --> 00:58:42,769
And I was there with a woman
I couldn't stand... eventually.

895
00:58:44,646 --> 00:58:47,774
Now she was beautiful, beautiful.

896
00:58:48,233 --> 00:58:50,693
She was beautiful.
40 years old, never been married,

897
00:58:50,777 --> 00:58:52,695
which makes you a little suspicious.

898
00:58:53,446 --> 00:58:55,990
'Cause usually if a woman is
that beautiful at 40

899
00:58:56,074 --> 00:58:57,283
and never been married,

900
00:58:57,367 --> 00:59:01,496
either they give horrible head
or they're completely insane.

901
00:59:02,330 --> 00:59:04,374
And three hours after I met this chick,

902
00:59:04,457 --> 00:59:05,959
I'm laying on my back going,

903
00:59:06,042 --> 00:59:08,169
[tightly] "This bitch is crazy."

904
00:59:18,012 --> 00:59:19,264
And I was right.

905
00:59:21,641 --> 00:59:23,059
But I took her to Vegas.

906
00:59:24,227 --> 00:59:28,523
Well, Bill's doing one show
at the big Forum down at Caesars,

907
00:59:28,606 --> 00:59:31,276
and we're doing three shows
a night in a smaller room.

908
00:59:31,442 --> 00:59:34,028
So when Bill gets finished,
he comes down and does a set with us

909
00:59:34,153 --> 00:59:35,655
and when we get done
with our shows,

910
00:59:35,738 --> 00:59:37,657
Bill and Jeff wanna
go drinking and gambling,

911
00:59:37,740 --> 00:59:41,452
and I want to go to a prayer meeting
and a poetry reading that I'd heard about.

912
00:59:42,245 --> 00:59:44,330
But they keep hounding me

913
00:59:45,331 --> 00:59:47,292
till I say, "Yeah, fuck it, let's go."

914
00:59:48,793 --> 00:59:52,922
But I didn't want her to go.
She was trash drunk on red wine.

915
00:59:53,006 --> 00:59:54,132
[whispering] Charming.

916
00:59:55,967 --> 00:59:57,051
Charming.

917
00:59:58,219 --> 01:00:00,430
I said, "Let me go talk to her,"
so I go up to the room.

918
01:00:00,513 --> 01:00:03,975
I go, "I know it's our first night in town
but I'm gonna go drinking with the boys,"

919
01:00:04,058 --> 01:00:08,187
and she goes, [slurring] "Fine, just
leave me in a hotel room by myself?"

920
01:00:08,271 --> 01:00:10,273
I'm like, "You're starting to get it."

921
01:00:12,942 --> 01:00:14,235
And we go out that night,

922
01:00:14,319 --> 01:00:16,821
it was one of the funnest nights
of my life, uh...

923
01:00:16,946 --> 01:00:19,699
We had been friends for ten years,
so we were young comics together,

924
01:00:19,782 --> 01:00:21,909
and that's what we used to talk about
as young comics.

925
01:00:21,993 --> 01:00:23,578
We would sit around, drink, and...

926
01:00:23,661 --> 01:00:25,622
and talk about maybe one day,
you know?

927
01:00:25,705 --> 01:00:28,541
Maybe one day
we'll be the big comics in Vegas,

928
01:00:28,625 --> 01:00:31,002
and our names will be
on those big fucking signs.

929
01:00:31,085 --> 01:00:33,338
That's something we dreamed about
and it fucking happened.

930
01:00:33,421 --> 01:00:37,425
And that was the first time all three
of us had our names on big signs in Vegas,

931
01:00:37,592 --> 01:00:40,345
and we went outside to look at it,
and I was like, "Fuck, now what?

932
01:00:42,889 --> 01:00:43,723
Jeff?

933
01:00:46,726 --> 01:00:47,977
Any ideas?"

934
01:00:48,895 --> 01:00:50,897
Anyway, it gets to be 5:30 in the morning.

935
01:00:50,980 --> 01:00:54,150
We decided to break it up, and Vegas
will make you horny if you let it.

936
01:00:55,318 --> 01:00:57,820
I go back up to the room
and she's passed out,

937
01:00:57,904 --> 01:01:00,323
in this negligee,
and she's fucking gorgeous.

938
01:01:00,406 --> 01:01:02,700
But I know if I wake her up
trying to have sex with her,

939
01:01:02,784 --> 01:01:06,496
she'll hit me in the face with a bucket of
nickels I just spotted on the nightstand.

940
01:01:07,205 --> 01:01:10,875
And I don't need a new mugshot
'cause my last one was so good.

941
01:01:19,342 --> 01:01:21,469
Is that Glen Campbell or Nick Nolte?

942
01:01:24,514 --> 01:01:27,725
No, that's our boy Tater Salad,
is who that is.

943
01:01:28,393 --> 01:01:30,061
[cheering]

944
01:01:33,439 --> 01:01:35,692
So I decide,
"Well, I'll just do it myself,"

945
01:01:35,817 --> 01:01:39,487
so I rummage around in the dark,
find some lotion, cut to the next morning.

946
01:01:39,570 --> 01:01:41,280
I'm sure you're grateful.

947
01:01:43,449 --> 01:01:47,286
I wake up the next morning
with this shit hangover,

948
01:01:47,370 --> 01:01:49,956
and she's already making coffee, 
and I wake up and she goes,

949
01:01:51,124 --> 01:01:52,959
"What's wrong with your hand?"

950
01:01:59,132 --> 01:02:01,426
My hand is dark orange.

951
01:02:09,016 --> 01:02:12,937
Bain de Soleil sunless tanning lotion...

952
01:02:15,148 --> 01:02:17,775
for dark skin only,

953
01:02:18,985 --> 01:02:21,362
and apparently I was getting down,

954
01:02:21,446 --> 01:02:23,740
'cause it was on my nipples

955
01:02:23,823 --> 01:02:25,908
and the inside of my thigh.

956
01:02:26,743 --> 01:02:29,120
Thanks for playing along.
I hope you guys enjoyed it.

957
01:02:29,203 --> 01:02:31,664
That's it for tonight.
Thank you very much.

958
01:02:31,748 --> 01:02:34,041
[country rock music]