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(TUMBLE DRYER WHIRRS SOFTLY)
(SIREN WAILS FAINTLY)
(CROSSING SIGNAL BLEEPS)
- Ooh! Ooh! - WOMAN: Fuck!
MAN: Ooh.
WOMAN: (WHISPERS) Shit!
(SIGHS) Jesus.
MAN: I'm so sorry. That's yours.
WOMAN: Thank you.
- MAN: Um, we'll... just... - Yep. (SIGHS)
- MAN: Sorry about that. - WOMAN: No, it's...
Um, there's... there's...
I can find a phone store or something
and you can get the screen replaced and...
It's not turning on.
WOMAN: Um...
MAN: There's... there's bound to be something down here.
(SIREN WAILS)
(SIGHS)
- (CROSSING SIGNAL BLEEPS) - (SIGHS) Jesus.
It's very badly damaged.
- WOMAN: Yep. - I can't fix it today.
You can't have it fixed by today?
I can't fix it today.
Um... well, I'm flying out of the country tomorrow, so I...
..I definitely need it fixed by today.
Eight o'clock tomorrow.
Eight o'clock in the morning tomorrow?
Right, so, if I come by at eight o'clock in the morning,
it will definitely be fixed?
Eight o'clock.
Alright.
OK. (SIGHS) Thank you.
Um, do you need to call anyone, anything...?
Um...
Actually, I would love to call my fiancé quickly.
- Do you mind if I...? - Sure. Please.
- It's an international call. - That's fine.
- OK. Thank you so much. - It's OK.
Hi. It's me. Um, I've broken my phone.
Everything's fine. Uh, I'm all set for tomorrow.
But just send me an email if there's any problems.
OK. Love you. Bye.
Thank you.
Do you need to use my phone for anything else?
No, I'm just gonna go find an internet cafe. I've got to...
Oh, please, you can sit down in a cafe,
use my phone for whatever you have to do.
- Uh... OK, yeah, that'd be... - Yeah?
- That'd be good. Thank you. - I'm so sorry about all this.
Yeah. I just... had to...
..rebook a connecting flight, and it's gone through.
- Thank you very much. - That's OK.
- Thank you. - That's OK.
Have you, um... got anything else planned today, or...?
No, I was just sort of... (SIGHS)
..um...
..pottering around town.
I've got to get this flight tomorrow, so...
- Where are you going? - I'm going to London.
I live in London. Yeah.
- Wow. - Yeah.
- Going home. - Wow.
Yeah.
Have you been working?
Um, no, I've kind of finished all my stuff for the day.
But, um...
Yeah, I was gonna go down to... to Bondi,
see the Sculpture by the Sea.
If you don't have anything on,
you'd be more than welcome to...
..come down or something.
Um... (CHUCKLES)
Whereabouts is it?
(BUS WHIRRS QUIETLY)
I don't actually know your name.
- Oh. I'm Viv. - I'm Jasper.
- Jasper. Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
I was actually gonna go down and see it on Monday,
but it was raining.
(GULLS CRY)
Excuse me? Sorry.
Um, do you know where Sculpture by the Sea is?
Um, I think it's down there.
- OK... - Just down that road.
- OK, cool. Thank you. - See you later. Bye-bye.
(LOUD CLUNKING)
(LAWNMOWER WHIRRS)
(JASPER CHUCKLES)
Excuse me? Hey.
Is this... the Sculptures by the Sea?
Yeah. You missed it.
- Oh. - Is this all wrapping up now?
- Is this all done? - Yeah, it's all finished.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
(ALL CHUCKLE)
- 100 sculptures, you missed. - JASPER: Right.
120. Something like this.
(LAWNMOWER ROARS)
VIV: (CHUCKLES) Thank you.
JASPER: I feel like an idiot.
I was really expecting this whole thing
to be littered with sculptures. (CHUCKLES)
- That's fine. - I'm sorry about that.
I'd love to see a whale.
A whale?
I'd like to see a seahorse.
- I've seen a seahorse. - You've seen a seahorse?
They're strange.
Yeah, I was snorkelling once and I found one.
And then I went and got a plastic bag and...
(CHUCKLES) ..I went and put the seahorse in a plastic bag
to show my family.
But then I took it back.
Oh, right. I thought you were gonna say, "It died."
No.
(CLEARS THROAT)
VIV: I keep going to check my phone.
- (CHUCKLES) - Sorry. (CHUCKLES)
What were you doing?
I was... engaged in a social media battle. (CHUCKLES)
Are you serious? (LAUGHS) About what?
This radio host said
this politician should go and hang himself.
(CHUCKLES)
Really fired you up, did it?
- Yeah. - (CHUCKLES)
I-I knew someone who hanged themselves.
Oh, God. I'm so sorry.
No, it's fine. It happened a long time ago.
It was my girlfriend at the time.
- Oh, Jesus. I'm so sorry. - No, it's fine. Honestly.
So, did you... win the battle?
I don't know. I bumped into someone.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Whoa.
(WHISTLES)
Want to keep walking?
JASPER: Cool.
VIV: Oh! These shoes are not ideal.
I think the bus stop's over there.
OK.
You see a lot of names that aren't really used anymore,
like... Edith.
- It's an old name. - 1869.
Oh!
It's Henry Lawson down here.
Here we go.
JASPER: "Love hangs about thy name like music round a shell
"No heart can take of thee a tame farewell."
I love him.
VIV: I wonder if there's a certain time of year
when more people die.
Winter, I guess.
- JASPER: Hey, buddy! Hey. - (DOG WHIMPERS)
- Hey. - VIV: Oh, my God!
Yeah. He was just sitting here. Hey.
- Where did you come from? - Hello!
- Was he just here? - Yeah. I...
You want to hold that for a sec? I'll see if there's...
He was just lying there.
(CHUCKLES)
- Hey. - (CALLS OUT) Hello?
He can't have...
Well, OK. Let's go.
Which way?
- Where did you come from? - Show us the way, mate.
Show us the way. Show us the way.
Was he tied up or was he just lying there?
He was just lying there.
(CHUCKLES) I just think there might be a gate open
that he's run out of.
(CHUCKLES)
(WHISPERS) Oh, my God.
(GRUNTS)
Let me just see if he has a tag.
- Oh, yeah. - One sec.
Hold on, mate. Where are we?
- Ah. We're in luck. - Oh, good.
- Huh! Cézanne. - Cézanne!
- Cézanne. That's perfect. - Ohh!
Cézanne.
Hello.
Um, we've found Cézanne on the street.
No, no. He's... No, he's OK. He's OK.
Yeah, no, he's...
Is there somewhere that we can drop him off or...?
(CÉZANNE WHIMPERS)
The city. Can we get a cab to the city?
- He's in the city? Yeah. - Yeah.
Um... yeah. Yeah, that... that should be fine.
(GRUNTS) In you go.
- Come on, mate. Up you get. - Come on. Good boy.
Good boy. There we go.
- There we go. Oh, my God! - Well done!
- Ooh, you got my... - Good boy.
- Good boy. (LAUGHS) - Hey.
(SIGHS) Ugh.
(CÉZANNE PANTS)
Dog hair everywhere.
(CHILDREN SHOUT)
(HORN HONKS)
(TRAM BELL DINGS)
(TUMBLE DRYER WHIRRS SOFTLY)
(CHIMES JINGLE)
Come on.
- Whoa! Whoa... whoa! - (BOTH CHUCKLE)
Come on, then. Come on, buddy!
That's it.
- (GRUNTS) Thank you. - (LAUGHS)
Thank you.
- Come on. Up here. - (CÉZANNE BARKS)
MAN: Hello, Cézanne!
- (VIV LAUGHS) - There we go!
Thank you. Let's go. Follow me, yeah?
OK.
- After you. - Thank you. (CHUCKLES)
You silly boy, you silly boy, Cézanne!
- JASPER: Beautiful dog. - You don't like me anymore?
You don't want to stay with me?
- Thank you very much, yeah? - No worries.
Must have left the gate open and he... he run away.
Did you find new friends?
Do you want to eat something in here, guys?
Do you want a table?
- JASPER: Oh, yeah, sure. - VIV: Sure.
- Yeah, that'd be great! - Follow me, yeah?
- Thank you very much. - Follow me. Let's go.
(CHUCKLES) Thank you!
JASPER: (SIGHS) Ah.
Order anything you want. I will pay for you. OK?
- Oh. Thank you! - Oh, that's so kind of you!
- Thank you very much. - Are you sure?
Anything. Whatever you like. Feel free, OK?
- Oh, brilliant. Thank you. - Thank you so much!
- Cheers. - Cheers!
(LAUGHS)
(CALLS OUT IN CHINESE)
(REPLIES)
(WOMAN SPEAKS CHINESE)
Ah. (CHUCKLES)
Oh.
- OK. - (REPLIES IN CHINESE)
(VIDEO GAME PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND)
(BOTH LAUGH)
So, how long have you been engaged for?
I have been engaged for a year and a half.
Mm-hm.
We were meant to get married last year,
but we had to postpone the wedding.
So, it'll be some time this year.
- Mm. - What about you? A girlfriend?
Oh, I was seeing someone, but...
..I just wasn't in the right head space.
Mm-hm.
Did you know that Da Vinci was a staunch vegetarian?
- Really? I didn't know that. - Yeah.
He'd buy caged birds and set them free.
(CHUCKLES) And Picasso had a pet monkey, a pet goat,
a turtle and a whole pack of dogs and cats as pets.
And Roman statues, when they were originally built...
- Oh, my God. (LAUGHS) - Right? Get this.
The heads were detachable so they could replace them.
Why have you got those little facts?
Like a little... a fact guy?
That's how I spend my down time.
Just arty... arty animal facts?
- WAITER: How was it? Good? - So beautiful, yeah.
- Thank you so much. - Thank you.
Delicious.
I keep saying how beautiful everything is.
It feels disingenuous, doesn't it?
- "Beautiful. Just beautiful." - "Just beautiful."
Is there anything that you're really, really scared of?
Um...
Spiders. Heights.
Don't like planes.
Really?
I always see a plane and I'm, like, gobsmacked.
When I see it going through the air, I'm like...
It's true. It's pretty weird to look up and think...
You know I've never been overseas?
- You've never been overseas? - Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Really? Never? - Yeah. Never.
- Wow. - No, I've never been overseas.
How old are you?
27.
- Never been? - Yeah.
What are you afraid of?
I'm, like... I'm afraid of, like, swimming.
Oh, really? You don't like swimming?
I don't like swimming. No.
- Who ARE you? - (BOTH LAUGH)
Have you got siblings?
- No. - Hmm.
What about you? Do you have any siblings?
Yeah, I've got a younger sister.
Yeah, she's two years younger than me.
- Are you guys close? - Yeah, we are. Yeah.
I mean, we have, like, the...
..you know, sibling stuff that's tricky,
but we're pretty close.
I remember when she was born.
I remember just this intense jealousy and hatred,
- going to the hospital. - (CHUCKLES)
- That's horrible. - That's my earliest memory.
I always think it's strange
when people say, "Oh, I have a brother or sister,"
and they're like, "And I hate them,"
or, "They're so annoying," or, "We just don't talk."
I think that's a real shame.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
What about school? What were you like at school?
- I was pretty naughty. - Were you?
Yeah. I was a real naughty...
I also stabbed the kid with a pencil once. I don't know why.
What do you mean?
Like, we were just playing,
and, um, I stabbed him, and the lead broke off.
He had two days off and got lead poisoning
'cause I got it in his vein and it snapped off.
God. I thought pencils were made of graphite.
Well, this was back in the day.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Do you know what time it is?
Um...
It's about 9:30.
Do you mind if I borrow your phone quickly?
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
Thank you so much. I'll be one sec.
- Yeah. - Thank you.
(SIGHS)
Hi. It's me. Um...
I'm gonna be on this number if you want to try and call me.
Um...
Everything's fine. I hope... you're OK.
Um...
OK. Love you. Bye.
- Thank you. - You OK?
Yeah.
Want to play a game?
- What? - You want to play a game?
- Alright. (CHUCKLES) - Alright. OK.
You have to be, like, here.
The first thing that comes to your mind, OK?
What? What do you mean?
- You just answer straightaway. - OK.
(QUICKLY) How many dresses do you own?
- Si... thirty-five. - (LAUGHS) 35 dresses is a lot!
Alright. Now you ask me.
(CHUCKLES) Um...
How many drinks have you had?
- 27. - (BOTH LAUGH)
How many times has that guy blinked at you?
- 14! - He's blinked at you 14 times!
(BOTH LAUGH)
How many times has that lady over there given you the eye?
She's given it to me many times!
(BOTH LAUGH)
- I'm gonna have to ask you... - How old are you?
..for a specific number. 49! (LAUGHS)
49! (LAUGHS) Very good.
- You look great. - How old are you?
- 26. - (LAUGHS)
Which is a year younger than what I said.
That's good. That's closer.
Mm.
How old do you think the world is?
- 14. - (LAUGHS)
And how many stars are in the universe?
- 12. - (LAUGHS) 12?
(BOTH LAUGH)
I know everything I need to know.
Yeah. How many stars were in the universe?
- 14. (LAUGHS) - 14.
Wow. Small world, isn't it?
What are you gonna do now?
I think we should keep drinking, to be honest.
(LAUGHS) I think we should!
(LAUGHS)
(JASPER WHISTLES)
(CHUCKLES)
- VIV: Race you to the end. - Yeah?
But you've got to give me a three-second head start.
OK.
You can't...!
- Ooh! Ow, ow, ow! - What?
- Just kidding! (LAUGHS) - Oh, oh!
Ooh! No, shit, seriously, this time it's...
(LAUGHS)
JASPER: Wow! Look how red that leaf is!
- This is amazing! - What is that?
Is that berries?
Wow. That's so cool.
JASPER: It's like coral.
Half the tree's green and half of it's red.
VIV: It's a Christmas tree! (LAUGHS)
Do I get anything if I get up, like, super-high?
Yes. You get a special surprise.
- VIV: OK. - JASPER: Alright.
VIV: Maybe you need to take your socks off as well.
JASPER: No, I feel like the socks will give me traction.
VIV: Do you?
- (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS) They are!
- They are! They really are! - Oh, my God!
(LAUGHS)
They really are actually giving me traction!
They're really giving me a lot of traction! (LAUGHS)
They're giving me super traction!
Super-duper... (LAUGHS)
What do I get?
(LAUGHS) I mean...
What do I get?! (LAUGHS)
VIV: (LAUGHS) It's so good!
This is how the human evolves.
(VIV CONTINUES LAUGHING)
Oh, that was so good! (LAUGHS)
JASPER: I was not expecting that.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
VIV: OK, if you could go anywhere in the world,
where would you go?
(JASPER INHALES)
Weifang, Shandong, in China.
For the International Kite Festival.
- Really? - (CHUCKLES)
Oh, I just read about it this morning. (LAUGHS)
OK, well, where would you really go?
I would go to the Galápagos Islands.
How come?
I saw a David Attenborough documentary
and it just looks untouched.
What about you? Where would you go?
I would go to Iceland.
- Iceland? - Mm-hm.
Alright.
Is that where the lights are?
- The northern lights? - Yeah.
- Cool.
VIV: I mean, I just really want that.
I bet that would just be so good.
Yeah.
- I did qigong once. - Qigong?
Yeah. And you go like this.
Can't really remember. But it was something like that.
(EXHALES)
- Can't remember anything else. - Well, show me.
But it definitely started with this.
(JASPER LAUGHS)
(CROSSING SIGNAL BLEEPS)
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
- After you. - Thank you very much.
I just think... Don't you think that phobias...
Phobias are irrational fears,
and you keep telling me your phobias,
and it's, like, drowning or being shot.
- Or getting diabetes... - I never said getting shot.
- I said getting hit by a car. - Completely rational fears.
BOTH: Thank you.
So, um, have you, um... Do you have a... a dress?
Do I have a dress or an address?
No, a dress. For your...
- Oh, for my wedding. - ..your big, um...
- No, I don't have a dress. - You don't?
I didn't get a dress.
I didn't get a dress the last time around,
and I haven't thought about a dress this time around.
Has it been chaos...
..or has someone else kind of hijacked it for you?
No, it's just been us. I mean, it's just us.
My family's not there, his family doesn't live in London.
- So, it's just been us. - Nice.
Us getting in a stew about it.
Right.
You know, it was gonna be this big thing before,
with all the families.
It was, like, he wanted his grandparents there
and they wanted to have this big thing...
- You should elope. - ..like, this big thing...
(SIGHS) Yeah. I don't know.
I know... I know it's a big question - are you happy?
- Am I happy? - Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm happy. - Yeah?
- Are you happy? - I'm happy. I'm OK. Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES) - I'm happy. Yeah.
(DISHES CLATTER QUIETLY)
(DISHWATER SLOSHES)
(PUTS DOWN PLATE)
VIV: So, are you from Sydney originally?
JASPER: Not originally, no,
but I just moved back in the last two months.
- Oh, great. - Yeah.
Where were you before that?
Uh... I moved in with my mum for the last year,
just because I wasn't doing too good.
- Mm-hm. - Mm.
How was it living with your mum for a year?
Look, I love her, but it was... a nightmare.
(LAUGHS) I can imagine!
I just spent two weeks with my family.
- They drove me fucking crazy! - (LAUGHS) Yeah.
JASPER: ..really quite, uh... quite cute.
MAN: Good evening.
- (CHUCKLES) - What did he say?
- I don't know. (LAUGHS) - (PHONE RINGS)
We're just having a random conversation with a stranger.
- (LAUGHS) - We're good at that. (LAUGHS)
Hello? (CHUCKLES)
Oh. Yeah, yeah. Um... yeah, she's here.
I'll pop her on.
No worries. Bye.
Thank you.
Hello!
Hi.
Yeah, did you get my message?
Yeah, no, um... well, I smashed my phone.
It's...
(CHUCKLES) No, I-I'm coming back tomorrow.
No, I want to come back, Henry.
No, I want to come back.
Yeah.
No, it's fine.
OK. Yep.
Bye.
Thank you.
You OK?
What, um, time is your flight tomorrow?
Um... 11:35.
- Am I holding you up? - No. It's, um...
No, it's fine. It's fine.
- It's fine. Sorry. (CHUCKLES) - It's OK.
What were you saying?
- Huh? - (LAUGHS)
What do you think about that?
(JASPER BREATHES DEEPLY)
Well, as my mother would say, it's... interesting.
(VIV CHUCKLES)
Do you know what they called it, though?
What?
- Poo on Sticks. - (LAUGHS)
If art's the only thing that remains in any civilisation,
what are people gonna think about us
in a thousand years' time?
(BOTH LAUGH)
Poo Sticks. (CHUCKLES)
- Hello, yellow! - JASPER: What's that?
- Are you Aussie? - Yeah.
Then I say, "Come on, Aussie, come on!"
♪ Come on, Aussie... Where are you from?
- Are you Aussie? - Where are you from?
- Oh! Are you asking me? - Yeah.
You tell me.
I don't know.
No. You don't know where I come from.
You tell me.
I think you come from around here.
I know you Aussie, Aussie.
VIV: I'm not.
She's a New Zealander.
Ka mate, ka mate! Ka ora!
- (JASPER LAUGHS) - There we go!
Here we go! (LAUGHS)
How are you, brother?
How are you? What's your name?
Oh, it's alright. John Leonard.
- John Lennon? - No, Leonard.
- Leonard? - VIV: Ah, Leonard?
Yeah. No, John LEONARD.
JASPER AND VIV: John Leonard.
VIV: I thought you said John Lennon for a second.
No, no, no, no. I wish!
(ALL LAUGH)
Yeah, brother!
Oh, so, you're...'ka mate'...
I am.
- Where are you from? - I'm from here.
- "Oi, oi, oi"? - Yeah.
"Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, oi, oi, oi!"
Where are you from?
Pick it out.
- Huh? - Work it out.
You're from... you're from...
Yeah! Yeah, up there, hey, man?
- (VIV LAUGHS) - You're from...
- Wait, no, no, no, this... - (JOHN CACKLES)
No, I'm pointing at that one!
You said this one, I meant that one over there!
(ALL LAUGH)
- I like you! - Thank you very much.
- (VIV LAUGHS) - Yeah, OK.
Hey? What?
Ummmmm...
- "Oi, oi, oi"? - ..mmmmmm...
- Mmmmmmmm... - ..mmmmmmmm...
- Ummmmmmmm... - Mmmmmmmmmmmm...
- (VIV LAUGHS) - ..mmmmmmm...
(ALL LAUGH)
I love you guys!
(CACKLES)
- (LAUGHS) Bye! - Wow. He's amazing.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Oh, my goodness!
(DANCE MUSIC THUMPS IN CLUB NEARBY)
VIV: ♪ De de de de...
(MAN SHOUTS NEARBY)
(VIV SIGHS)
Hey, hey!
- What...?! - Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Oi! Oi!
- (THUMP!) - Fuck!
JASPER: Oh!
Oh, man!
- Thank you so much! - Oh! Oh!
- Thank you so much. - I think he got away.
Oh. (PANTS)
- Thank you. - Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much.
That scared the shit out of me.
- Are you alright? - Yeah. Yeah.
My passport's in this bag.
- (SIGHS) - Fuck.
(EXHALES HARD)
- (LAUGHS) - Oh, my God.
- Ohh! Ohh! - (CHUCKLES)
- Let's get a drink, eh? - Yeah.
Ohh! (SIGHS)
VIV: Why would you go to the gym at this time of night?
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
- VIV: Real commitment. - JASPER: Humans are strange.
(MOTORCYCLES RUMBLE)
(POLICE SIREN BLEEPS)
What happened to the sign?
JASPER: Hmm. (CHUCKLES)
It's not the best advertisement, is it?
- (LAUGHS) No. - (CHUCKLES)
- I like it up here. - Mm.
I spent a lot of time on rooftop bars with my ex.
She... loved them.
- Really? - Yeah. We used to come a lot.
She loved having a different perspective on life.
It was funny, she used to carry this old Leica
and would take really obscure pictures just from above.
- Mm. - She sounds great.
OK.
(CLOSES WARDROBE)
(JACKHAMMER RATTLES NOISILY)
(JASPER LAUGHS)
MAN: Hey, guys. How you going?
- Good. - I'm Miles.
- Hi. I'm Jasper. - What's your name? Jasper.
- And...? - Viv.
- Viv. How you going? - Hi. How's it going?
Yeah, good. Do you guys reckon God exists?
- Um... - What do you think?
Yeah, I think he exists. Jesus Christ, he is your answer.
Changed my life. Hopefully, it'll change yours too.
- Grab that. - Thank you.
Grab that. Please just read it.
It's just basically talking about how God is love.
You know? And... love exists.
You guys seem like a nice couple.
- You guys seem in love. - (JASPER AND VIV LAUGH)
- Thank you. - Have a great one. God bless.
- Thank you. - Thanks. Bye.
Oh, shit!
Hey, how you going? (CHUCKLES)
(JASPER LAUGHS)
(JASPER CHUCKLES)
(DOORBELL CHIMES)
- Hi, guys. - JASPER: Hello.
- VIV: Hi. How's it going? - Hi. How are you?
- VIV: Hi. - Off-tap.
Camp.
(CHUCKLES)
Are you looking for anything in particular, or just...?
- Um, no, just having a look. - Alright.
- Yeah. Thank you. - Need a hand, give me a call.
- OK. Thank you. - Thanks.
But couples - look at this. Wet & Wild.
JASPER: Oh, my goodness. That's so...
It's out there. It's out there.
There we go. This is the We-Vibe.
- Show them the We-Vibe. - (VIBRATOR BUZZES)
This can go inside your vagina, this side, the flat side.
- JASPER: Uh-huh. - It's on the... on the outside.
And then he can come in behind it.
- What it is is two motors... - Have a feel, darling.
- ..wireless remote control. - You play with...
It goes into the lady like a Muppet, yeah?
(LAUGHS)
And your ding-a-ling is going underneath while it's worn.
So, it's virtually a built-in vibrating cock ring.
- It's all about togetherness! - Have a go on that.
And she could be in the bank at the counter
and you could be in the car.
- "Zzhhh! Zzhhh!" - JASPER: And it's all...?
- It's worn inside... - That's really doing it.
..while you're fucking.
- So, think this would be... - Excuse the French.
(BOTH LAUGH)
- VIV: Wow. There's an app. - The We-Vibe is pretty cool.
- Whoa! - (VIBRATOR RATTLES)
Can't turn it off. (CHUCKLES)
Meet... your new best friend.
Two drops on your friend's jim-jam
makes it hypersensitive insanity.
I've used it on the front line, sir. It works.
- Watermelon mouth... - Seen the rabbit?
- VIV: No. - Sex and the City!
The girl in Sex and the City.
All these ladies know about the rabbit!
- It's the famous rabbit. - THE rabbit!
So, I think Susan or Samantha - the slut...
- Samantha! - ..brought it to the table.
- (GASPS) The slut! - Pfft. Yeah, yeah, darls.
I'll put some batteries in and...
What are the little, um, pearls inside?
- Oh! - Ooh!
You're in for a REAL treat.
I'm putting the batteries in, darls.
(VIV LAUGHS)
Oh, yeah, that's got aphrodisiacs in that too.
It's olive oil, so you can use it as lube,
but it's no good for condoms.
- (DOORBELL CHIMES) - The famous rabbit. This is...
- (RABBIT WHIRRS) - Hang on. Yes.
- Check... You've got a few. - Oh, love!
Imagine that inside you, darls! Ooh-la-la!
- (VIV LAUGHS) - Here, feel... feel that bit.
They reckon the most sensitive bit...
You too if you want it, honey!
..on a lady, bar her little jim-jam...
Get it going, love!
I got into trouble for saying "clitoris"...
- Pump it up! - ..to these lesbian dudes,
so now I say "jim-jam", "jelly bean", "pearl"...
- It can go in the bath. - Just feel that.
- Really? It's waterproof? - Mm.
But the tip of your nose is hypersensitive...
- Ooh-la-la! - Oh! (LAUGHS)
- It's out there, but, yeah. - Is that, um...
- A few functions there. - How out there is it, darls?
- Wow. - Can he use it too?
- Hi, guys. How are you? - Thanks.
- Well, of course he can. - Hi, darling. How are you?
Hi, darling. How aren't you?
But I'm saying, the jim-jam...
..the comparison, most sensitive part in one's body
is the tip of your nose, so...
- Everybody? - Yeah, wow.
The We... Tango.
- Look out. He loves the Tango. - I love it. Look.
- Feel it slip in. Ooh! - Whoa!
- Just leave it on your palm... - JASPER: It's like a fish.
- He loves the Tango. - Arggh!
Yeah! You throw that up your clacker. I'd be too scared to.
- Might never get it out! - (JASPER AND VIV LAUGH)
You've got so many functions. Keep pressing the bottom of it.
It's got that one where it goes...
It's a powerhouse. You've got a one-year warranty.
That's the We-Vibe's little brother.
JASPER: Hard to keep a hold of, that little guy.
It's hard to keep in too, darls.
Just jumps and jumps and jumps!
You know, it's for a couple, love, so they have a game.
- It's got... a lot of... - (LAUGHS) We're not a couple.
Not a couple? But, well, you know, you could be.
- (VIBRATOR CLATTERS) - Whoa!
And it's all rechargeable too, love. See what I mean?
Imagine two of them in me, love! Ohhh, love! I'd be...
- (VIV CACKLES) - I was like that before!
Oh, it's camp, love! Ding!
You know... you know, we know you're not together,
but even friends can be naughty, yeah?
- (VIV LAUGHS) - JASPER: Right.
- Can't they? I don't know. - They have to be.
What are friends for? You've got to learn with your friends.
Can I ask, what, um... what's with the... the blue?
Oh. I have Irlen syndrome.
Rhymes with 'Merlin', the magician, but with an I.
It's from being under these lights for a decade.
One of the trade-offs of being a front-line, uh...
..humble porn-peddler, love-preacher
in a crazy, twisted world.
(ALL LAUGH)
Someone's got to be out there,
a beacon of light for 'friends'...
- Yeah, right. - ..and lovers alike!
Yeah, we're saving marriages down here!
- Look at that. - Whoa! He's got...
- That's sex on the rocks! - (VIV LAUGHS)
You will definitely get an orgasm with one of these three.
But he's outrageous.
- Kink, baby! Ooh-la-la! - Ooh! Oh, oh! Whoa!
You want to try it, darls? You try it. Give him a smack.
Ooh! He's probably been real naughty.
Then you go with the paddle. Ohhh, yeah!
- He likes it! Ooh-la-la! - He's causing trouble.
You've got the cuffs. You've got cuffs with furs.
Ooh, how about your nipples?
You like your nipples to be clamped?
Jingle-jam.
(WHISPERS) I think we should go.
- How did you guys meet? - Do youse know each other?
- JASPER: Well, we, uh... - (LAUGHS) We do now!
So, were you interested in the We-Vibe
or anything like that, love?
- Um... we might... - I think we're OK.
You're OK? You're just gonna have a... on the rocks tonight?
- (LAUGHS) - Well, alright, then.
- Bye. - Thank you. Bye.
See you, guys. Have fun. Look after each other.
- Bye. - Come back. We're 24 hours.
Bye, cutie. I finish at 11 - don't forget.
Three, four in the morning, you know where to come.
You've got the whip out. I'd better get going.
- VIV: Bye. - (DOORBELL CHIMES)
Cute!
Off-tap.
What's this? Do you want to do a breath alcohol tester?
- Sure. - I need two $1 coins.
You're either gonna be 'error', 'OK', 'warning' or 'danger'.
I think you're gonna be 'danger'.
(CHUCKLES) Roll up, roll up!
(TRILLS) Rrroll up, rrroll up!
(LONG BEEP)
- (SHORT BEEP) - Warning. I'm just a warning.
Uh-huh.
Blow.
(LONG BEEP)
(MACHINE BEEPS REPEATEDLY)
- Danger! Danger! (LAUGHS) - I'm 0.077!
- Danger! (LAUGHS) - I should be dead.
Mm.
(LAUGHS)
Go... (LAUGHS)
Go up on your toes. Get low, then up on the toes.
(LAUGHS)
(BOTH LAUGH)
Pretend you never saw that.
VIV: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's gone.
- Alright. - It's gone.
- Wow. - (JASPER LAUGHS)
I know.
VIV: (LAUGHS) Other tricks?
JASPER: Can you do, like, a little spin?
- Whoa! - (BOTH LAUGH)
- See you. - See you.
Have you heard that in the English language,
there's only, like, three words that don't rhyme?
'Orange' is one of them.
- Yeah. - Doesn't rhyme with anything.
I think 'purple' is another.
I don't know what the third one is.
- I really want to know now. - Excuse me? Guys? Sorry.
Do you have, um, $3.50? $3.50?
BOTH: Uh...
- Sorry about that. - I don't have any cash.
- No, I don't. Sorry. - I don't have change. Sorry.
Do you know if it's any good, this one?
- This restaurant? - Yeah.
VIV: Uh, I don't know. I've never been here. Sorry.
- Looks nice. - Yeah, it does, doesn't it?
It's just that... you know... "Established 1996".
It's, like... 1996 - in Europe, it would have been 1886.
- (BOTH LAUGH) - Yeah! 1996 in Australia!
- Yeah! Whoo! We made it! - (LAUGHS) Right.
- Sorry. Anyway... - That's OK.
- That's alright. - I wasn't that hungry.
Do you want a...?
VIV: Uh, I'm OK. Thank you, though.
- Do you want...? - Yeah, I'll have one.
- Alright. - Thank you.
Do you want me to show you a trick? I'll show you a trick.
You look so... It's so cold! It was so warm this morning!
VIV: It was really hot today, and then it changes.
Yeah. Come.
You can do it, then, to her. (CLEARS THROAT)
(BLOWS)
Huh? Huh?
(LAUGHS) That's actually really good.
- Yeah, I'm quite warm now. - (SPEAKS RUSSIAN)
- I'll show you how... - Yeah?
..how you do it, and then you should do this to her.
(BLOWS)
(LAUGHS) It tickles.
- That's really nice. - (SPEAKS RUSSIAN)
- VIV: Quite warm now. - Eto teplo, da. Eto teplo.
(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)
Sorry...
Sorry... sorry, what?
(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)
What does that mean?
27, two kids.
VIV: Oh, my God!
"27 and two kids"?
And then she touched my hand.
(BOTH LAUGH)
(VIV TRILLS)
JASPER: What the hell?
- Eugh! - That's so weird.
I don't want to eat this, but my grandpa told me a story
and he said, "If a little kid offers you a candy,
"you should take it, 'cause that's all they have to offer."
And I feel like she was like a little kid.
(VIV LAUGHS)
JASPER: But that was, I think, a bit strange.
- VIV: What's in here? - JASPER: Let's give it a go.
- Hey, man. - Hi, guys.
- Hi. - How have you been?
- How's it going? - You good?
- Can we come in? - Uh...
- Been here before? - Yeah.
- Alright, guys. Yep. - Thank you. (CHUCKLES)
No worries.
(QUIET CONVERSATION, MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY)
- (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. - Right.
I thought it was gonna be, like, a big...
(LAUGHS) I don't know what's going on!
..a big... like, a big, pumping party.
I know. But, um...
Like, it's like an intimate gathering.
(BOTH LAUGH QUIETLY)
- OK. - What do we do?
OK. I can dig it.
- (LAUGHS) I can dig it. - (LAUGHS)
- Hello. - BOTH: Hello.
How are we?
- Good. - Good. How are you?
I'm fine. What can I get you?
- Uh... champ... - Champ...
Yeah? Champagne?
- WOMAN: Excuse me? Hello? - Two champagnes?
Who invited you guys here?
- Sorry? - Who invited you?
Are you guys on the guest list?
- Um... no. - Um... no, we're not.
But we... we, um...
We're just gonna have a champagne.
- Just a little champagne. - BARMAN: Two champagnes.
Just a very little champagne.
OK. Just one drink.
(LAUGHS) Just one very little champagne.
- WOMAN: OK. - Thank you.
- Thanks. Thank you. - OK.
- One. - (LAUGHS) Thank you.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)
You're thinking about it. Stop thinking about it!
(MUSIC PLAYS OVER CONVERSATION)
A banana's way more perishable...
Yeah, but you can freeze a cantaloupe. You can't freeze...
- Hiya. - Hi. How are you?
- How's it going? - Good. I'm Dean.
- Oh, hi. I'm Viv. - Hi, Viv.
- Oh, thank you. (CHUCKLES) - Jasper.
- Hi, Jasper. Nice to meet you. - You too.
Uh, can I have a beer, please, mate?
- I like your hair. - Oh, thank you.
- Yeah, it's great. - Thank you. Mm.
- No pain, no gain, right? - What do you dye it with?
Um... it's called Manic Panic.
- Oh, yeah. I know Manic Panic. - Mm.
Good. How often do you change it?
Um... as often as my mood changes.
- Fair enough. - Which is quite often. Mm.
Actually, my hair's gonna fall out
'cause I bleach it too much.
Mm. Mm-hm.
- What are you up to tonight? - Um...
We kind of ran into each other.
- Oh, really? - VIV: Yeah.
DEAN: Well, spontaneity is the best thing in life, isn't it?
- Ah, cool. - True. Cheers to that.
Cheers. In fact, I should have a champagne too.
- But anyway, beer will do. - Have a champagne.
- So, you just met today? - Mm.
- Drinking champagne already? - Mm. (LAUGHS)
- Oh! - (JASPER LAUGHS)
Actually, I look at you, honey,
and I think of things I haven't thought of in decades, hey?
(JASPER AND VIV LAUGH)
Thanks, Dean.
Then I look at Jasper and I think of something
I thought of five minutes ago, you know?
(ALL CHORTLE)
JASPER: She's getting engaged tomorrow.
No, you're flying to see your fiancé tomorrow.
I am engaged.
That makes sense to me, honey. Course.
Last fling. Good on you. Congratulations.
VIV: No! (LAUGHS)
What the cat doesn't know doesn't hurt, eh?
- (LAUGHS) No! - Good on you.
- It's not like that, Dean. - Are you sure?
- It's not like that. - It looks like that to me.
VIV: Oh, God!
If it's not like that with him,
can you make it like that with me?
- (ALL LAUGH) - DEAN: Mm.
Would you like to dance?
- Alright. - With you? Anything.
Well, actually, can I be the meat in your sandwich?
(JASPER AND VIV LAUGH)
Looks like you're forming a sandwich tonight anyway!
(JASPER AND VIV CONTINUE LAUGHING)
- Oh, a great song on there. - (MOODY FRENCH SONG PLAYS)
- Please. - Here, hold on. Mm.
(DEAN HUMS)
JASPER: (LAUGHS) Dean...
- Oh, my God. Dean, please. - (VIV LAUGHS)
Gee, I wish I could get down and... and down further.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Jasper can do... Jasper can do some drops.
I can do the little drops.
- ..down like that! - (VIV CHEERS)
Well, while you're down there, hello!
Well, we'd better be careful. We might get kicked out.
Oh, no. There's no-one here. They want our money.
(HUMS)
- Salud. - Salud to you too.
- Lovely to meet you. - Lovely to meet you too.
(MOODY FRENCH SONG PLAYS)
(CLOCK TICKS)
(PHONE RINGS)
(PHONE STOPS)
I want to make it fun and sexy and just go, whoof!
- (LAUGHS) - Just... (SIGHS) ..amiga.
- Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. - (TOILET FLUSHES)
Look at... Oh, shit.
(CUBICLE DOOR OPENS)
- Hey! - VIV: Hi. (CHUCKLES)
That's you!
- How was your drink? - Mrs Cutie Patootie.
- (CHUCKLES) It was good. - You enjoyed it?
- Yes, thank you. - Yeah.
- Cute dress. - That boy out there...
- Sorry. (LAUGHS) - Is that your boyfriend?
- No, he's just a friend. - A friend, my ass!
- (LAUGHS) - You guys were very close.
No, he's just a friend.
- Very close, that friend. - I'm engaged.
You're engaged? Let me see your ring.
- Does he live here? - I don't have it on.
You don't have a ring? So you're not engaged.
- No, I am engaged. (LAUGHS) - Not on purpose.
(WHISPERS) It's just between us.
No, it's... (LAUGHS) It's true, I promise.
No, I don't believe that. Anyways...
Are you guys having a good night?
- Um... - Um... I don't know.
We want to make it more interesting.
Are you and him a little bit bored like us?
No, we're having quite an exciting night, actually.
Really? What have you been up to?
Um... we found a dog.
- A dog? - Yep.
What about if you found girls like us? What would you do?
- (LAUGHS) We're not dogs! - (LAUGHS) You're not dogs.
- We're not dogs. We're women. - What?! (LAUGHS)
(CHUCKLES) Alright. Have a good night.
- Have fun. - No! Don't go.
- Let's have a dance. - A dance?!
- Yeah! - I can't dance.
- Oh, my God! - I don't do dancing.
I'll teach you. Let's dance. Let's move around.
Come on. You just go like this.
- Uh-huh? - You see?
Touch your dress, your boobs, your hair.
No, no... (LAUGHS)
- You can do it. Don't be shy. - I just can't do it.
- Yes, you can do it. - In fact...
You have to do it for your 'friend'. Your boyfriend.
Just do it.
Is she teaching you the moves?
Yeah, she's teaching. Giving me a special lesson.
The Puerto Rican dance.
I mean, there's no music out there.
- Let's have the party in here. - Ohh.
(LAUGHS)
- Is she going cra-zee? - Yeah, she's going for it.
Is she going-going cra-zee? Uh! Uh-huh!
- Yeah. - That's really good. (LAUGHS)
(CACKLES)
- Hi. - Hi, hon.
- Is Jasper here? - I think he's left.
- He left? - Oh, I think so. Yeah.
OK.
VIV: Goodnight.
DEAN: Yeah, nice to meet you. All the best.
VIV: You too. Yep.
(SILENCE)
(DISTORTED, MUTED ELECTRONIC MUSIC)
(SILENCE)
(CAR ENGINE REVS)
Jasper! Jasper!
Viv!
- Where'd you go? - You left.
What? No, no. The guy said that YOU'D left.
The guy told me that YOU'D left.
(LAUGHS) What? No!
- You didn't go?! - No!
Oh, my God! I went around... I've been looking for you!
- (VIV LAUGHS) - Sorry.
I thought you just... offed and went.
(LAUGHS) No, I thought that YOU'D just gone!
Oh, my God! (LAUGHS)
I thought you just got up and left! (LAUGHS)
- No! (LAUGHS) Oh! - Oh, my God!
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY)
- Whoo! - Whoa!
..and then just puts it back down.
His face is like... Wild.
Shots. Yeah!
DRAG QUEEN: Hey, baby!
Mwah. Mwah.
Oh! Oh, you're so funny!
- Hey, darling. How are you? - (VIV LAUGHS)
- Ha-ha! - (ALL LAUGH)
- Oh, my love! - Hey, baby.
- (VIV SQUEALS) - Arggh!
- Shot, shot, shot! - Yeah! Alright!
Whoo!
Ugh!
Yes, I did. I loved that movie. Thank you.
(ALL CHATTER INDISTINCTLY)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS)
(ALL YELL AND LAUGH)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
VIV: Alright! Yeah!
Yeah!
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)
- Yeah! - Yeah!
- So yummy! - (HOWLS)
Ooh! (LAUGHS)
(DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES OVER CONVERSATIONS)
VIV: Come on!
- (VIV CHEERS) - (JASPER LAUGHS)
- Yay! Yeah! - (HOWLS)
One more. Come on.
Burn, bitch.
(DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES)
♪ Come with me, come with me
♪ And we will see
♪ Eternity
- ♪ Take my hand... - Whoo!
♪ Take my hand
♪ I'll take you to...
Yeah! Whoa! ♪ The promised land...
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
♪ You're the one, you're the one
♪ You're the one, baby
♪ You're the one, you're the one
♪ You're the one, you're the one, you're the one
♪ You're the one, you're the one
♪ You're the one, you're the one, you're the one
♪ You're the one, you're the one
♪ You're the one, you're the one, you're the one
♪ Come with me.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
SONG: ♪ I'm not one for the chat-up lines
♪ You've broken hearts from time to time... ♪
- Holy mama! - Whoa!
Mwah! Mwah!
You can have that. You earnt it.
♪ Grey clouds vanish, friends make up
♪ Everybody's...
(FOOTSTEPS)
(PANTING)
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
(JASPER SIGHS)
- Oh! - (BOTH CHUCKLE)
VIV: (SIGHS) Oh!
Are you looking forward to going home?
Mmm...
..not really.
Why?
Um...
I am... (SIGHS)
I don't know. It's just been a weird few months, and...
..I'm not sure how much Henry wants me to...
..be coming home right now. (CHUCKLES)
What do you mean?
I sort of came over here
so that we could have a bit of time, you know?
Um...
And it's been good, but I just...
I don't know.
What?
Mm...
It's just been a...
..been a weird time.
In what way?
I had a miscarriage a couple of months ago,
and, um...
..he just...
..you know, it's been really, really hard for him.
It's been hard for both of us, obviously, but...
..I feel like he...
Mm... it's not that he blames me, just...
..he kind of resents the fact that I... (CHUCKLES)
- ..wasn't able to... you know? - Yeah.
Don't...
Don't take that on board. You can't...
No, it's not... it's not...
It's just... (SIGHS)
..distanced us a bit, I guess.
I don't know. We'll see. We'll see.
(VIV CHUCKLES)
I'm really sorry to hear that.
Tonight's been good, though.
- (LAUGHS) - It's been lovely.
It's been really nice.
VIV: OK, now, this is gonna be a little bit tricky.
JASPER: That's OK.
VIV: You've got to keep your eyes shut
to get across this, OK?
- Do I need to? Do I want to? - Just wait till I'm gone.
- OK. - Mm-hm.
OK. Keep going.
- Just keep going. - Mm-hm.
OK, keep going.
OK. Keep going.
- Here. Keep going. - Mm-hm.
- OK, now you shut your eyes. - Mm-hm.
- Keep them shut. - Mm-hm.
OK. And you have to bend down.
Mm-hm.
- Bend down. - Yes.
And then come forward a little bit.
(BOTH LAUGH)
- Was that a good surprise? - (LAUGHS)
- It was a great surprise. - Oh!
I don't think you we're surprised enough.
No, I was!
Oh! Two.
What is it?
It's a... a little maze with ball bearings.
And I'm gonna get it.
I need your support here.
I'm supporting you from over here.
OK. Just tell me... "Yes, yes, yes."
- (CHUCKLES) - "This is it. This is it."
JASPER: No, that's not for me, that game.
(VIV LAUGHS)
JASPER: It's not for me.
A good one.
(GRUNTS)
(INSECTS CHIRRUP)
(JASPER SIGHS)
What are you thinking about?
I was thinking about Darwin.
The person or the place?
The place.
What about it?
I went there with my dad once,
and I just remember mango trees.
(CHUCKLES)
What about you? What are you thinking about?
I was thinking about John Leonard.
- John Leonard! - (BOTH LAUGH)
What a legend!
(BOTH LAUGH)
John Leonard!
(WHISPERS) John Leonard.
Do you know that story about John Lennon?
(CHUCKLES) No.
When he was, like, five years old at school,
he had to write down what he wanted to be when he grew up,
and he wrote down "happy".
And the teacher, like...
..took him aside after class and said,
"You've written down 'happy'.
"You don't understand the question."
And he said, "You don't understand life."
(JASPER CHUCKLES)
(QUICKLY) How many fingers do you have?
12. How many stars in the sky?
- 14. - How many bats in the trees?
- 21. - (LAUGHS)
- How many trees in this park? - 19!
- How many trees in the world? - Four.
(LAUGHS)
- How many hairs on your head? - How many what?
- How many hairs on your head? - 12.
- 12? Really? - (LAUGHS)
- How many hairs in your nose? - 12!
- How big's your tongue? - 13 inches.
- (BOTH LAUGH) - 13 inches!
How many fingers have you got?
- I have one. - One! (LAUGHS)
(BIRDSONG)
Excuse me? Do you have a pen that I can borrow?
- Yeah. - Cool. Thank you.
- Don't take it away. - I won't. Thank you.
Oh, my God.
- What? - There's that guy.
No, no, no. No, don't... don't worry.
(CHUCKLES)
- Fucking hell. - Fuck.
TRAIN P.A.: (CHIMES) Next stop, Town Hall.
All good?
- All good! - Very nice.
- Ey-oop! - Oh!
(BOTH LAUGH)
(JASPER CHUCKLES)
(JASPER SIGHS HEAVILY)
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
JASPER: Ooh! Ooh!
(SWEET PIANO MELODY PLAYS THROUGHOUT)
(PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES OVER DIALOGUE)