1
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:08,380
[audience chuckling, chattering]

2
00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:17,680
[woman] Ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seats.

3
00:00:19,970 --> 00:00:21,930
The show begins now.

4
00:00:22,180 --> 00:00:25,020
-[audience cheering]
-[upbeat music playing]

5
00:00:25,940 --> 00:00:27,150
-Hey!
-Hey!

6
00:00:27,230 --> 00:00:29,020
-Seth Rogen!
-Nick Kroll.

7
00:00:29,110 --> 00:00:30,190
How's it going, man?

8
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:31,800
-Good to see you.
-Good to see you too.

9
00:00:31,860 --> 00:00:33,400
-What's going on?
-How you been?

10
00:00:33,490 --> 00:00:35,200
I've been very good. I feel blessed.

11
00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:36,280
-Oh.
-Very blessed.

12
00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:37,990
Oh, me too, man. So blessed.

13
00:00:38,070 --> 00:00:40,040
-We're both so blessed.
-So truly blessed.

14
00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:40,950
Pretty cool.

15
00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:43,040
So, uh, so what's going on, dude?

16
00:00:43,160 --> 00:00:44,500
Not too much. Just hanging out.

17
00:00:44,620 --> 00:00:47,040
Can you do me a quick favor?
You can totally say no,

18
00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:50,340
but my cousin is like
your biggest fan in the world,

19
00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:53,340
and I was wondering,
could you make a video for him

20
00:00:53,420 --> 00:00:56,380
where you say his name,
then say "420 for life,"

21
00:00:56,470 --> 00:00:58,260
and then do your stupid fucking laugh?

22
00:00:58,340 --> 00:00:59,680
-No--
-[audience laughs]

23
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:02,520
Honestly, like... I don't really like
portraying myself

24
00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:05,810
-as a stoner that much anymore.
-You're smoking a joint right now.

25
00:01:05,890 --> 00:01:07,940
-[audience chuckling]
-In my personal life.

26
00:01:08,020 --> 00:01:10,520
In my public life, uh, you know,
on this kind of shit,

27
00:01:10,610 --> 00:01:12,250
I don't wanna portray myself as a stoner.

28
00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:14,900
Yeah. Have you told your eyes
and your whole body of work that?

29
00:01:14,990 --> 00:01:16,700
-Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
-[audience laughs]

30
00:01:16,780 --> 00:01:19,570
That's sort of the laugh,
but more like... [gruff chuckle, squeal]

31
00:01:19,660 --> 00:01:22,200
You know? Like a motorcycle drowning.

32
00:01:22,290 --> 00:01:25,540
Come on, man. Look...
I don't want to do it, okay?

33
00:01:25,620 --> 00:01:26,500
Just fucking do it.

34
00:01:26,580 --> 00:01:28,020
-I don't want to.
-You don't have to,

35
00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:29,200
but just fucking do it, man.

36
00:01:29,250 --> 00:01:30,840
-I don't want to do it. No!
-Just do it!

37
00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:33,130
Come on, I do you favors all the time.

38
00:01:33,210 --> 00:01:36,510
-What are you talking about? Like what?
-Fucking Sausage Party!

39
00:01:36,630 --> 00:01:38,180
Oh, come on, man.

40
00:01:38,340 --> 00:01:40,890
That was a good role.
You were the villain in the movie.

41
00:01:40,970 --> 00:01:42,390
You made me the douche.

42
00:01:42,510 --> 00:01:45,890
When I walk through the airport now,
people scream "douche" at me.

43
00:01:46,020 --> 00:01:47,600
That's not 'cause of the movie.

44
00:01:47,690 --> 00:01:50,190
Oh, you know what?
You're a fucking dick, bro.

45
00:01:50,270 --> 00:01:52,430
Actually, I'm kind of known
for being a super nice guy.

46
00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:53,480
It's kind of my thing.

47
00:01:53,570 --> 00:01:57,030
You're kind of actually known
for destroying an entire movie studio

48
00:01:57,110 --> 00:01:58,990
by picking a fight with North Korea.

49
00:01:59,070 --> 00:02:00,530
[audience laughs]

50
00:02:02,330 --> 00:02:05,120
Fuck you, man.
You think I don't know that?

51
00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:06,290
I know that.

52
00:02:06,700 --> 00:02:08,160
Shit! Goddamn it!

53
00:02:08,290 --> 00:02:10,726
I came here to have a good time,
and now you've stressed me out,

54
00:02:10,750 --> 00:02:12,500
so I'm gonna go do this thing
I read about,

55
00:02:12,590 --> 00:02:15,000
where you smoke a vape pen
through your pee hole.

56
00:02:15,090 --> 00:02:17,090
-Peace!
-Hey, can I come?

57
00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:19,380
No! Stop mooching dick-vape off me.

58
00:02:19,470 --> 00:02:21,470
-[Nick] Fuck you.
-[audience laughing]

59
00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:22,640
[door shuts]

60
00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:24,680
Okay, just pull out my penis.

61
00:02:25,970 --> 00:02:27,850
[audience laughing]

62
00:02:28,310 --> 00:02:31,810
Thank God no one knows I'm uncircumcised.
That would destroy my career.

63
00:02:31,940 --> 00:02:33,110
-Okay.
-[laughter]

64
00:02:33,230 --> 00:02:34,520
Time to vape it up.

65
00:02:35,070 --> 00:02:36,860
-Oh!
-[laughter]

66
00:02:37,150 --> 00:02:38,400
Feels good.

67
00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:39,700
Now...

68
00:02:39,740 --> 00:02:42,370
-[sighing]
-[audience laughs]

69
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:46,290
Man, that shit works. Whoo!

70
00:02:47,410 --> 00:02:49,120
Hey, uh, where you going?

71
00:02:49,290 --> 00:02:51,500
Oh, uh, I'm just gonna drive my car
super fast

72
00:02:51,580 --> 00:02:52,790
through the Hollywood Hills.

73
00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:54,960
Dude, that is irresponsible and reckless.

74
00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:57,510
Can you give me a ride
to Jared Leto's sex dungeon?

75
00:02:57,670 --> 00:03:00,180
No. No.
Not after what you said to me, man.

76
00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:02,720
-[engine starts]
-[tires squealing]

77
00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:06,850
Oh, man. This is the best fucking tweet
anyone's ever read.

78
00:03:06,970 --> 00:03:09,640
Now what emoji do I cap it off with?

79
00:03:10,020 --> 00:03:13,690
Thi-- Oh, no! [screams]

80
00:03:13,770 --> 00:03:15,360
[audience laughs]

81
00:03:20,990 --> 00:03:22,990
Oh, no.

82
00:03:23,910 --> 00:03:27,040
-[cackling] Oh, yes.
-[audience laughs]

83
00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:29,500
I'm the devil, and you're in hell, my man.

84
00:03:29,580 --> 00:03:33,000
-[scoffs]
-Your eternal suffering begins now.

85
00:03:33,210 --> 00:03:35,130
The Guilt Trip was a shitty movie.

86
00:03:35,210 --> 00:03:36,670
Is that really necessary, man?

87
00:03:36,750 --> 00:03:38,960
Was it necessary to make the movie
The Guilt Trip?

88
00:03:39,050 --> 00:03:42,090
Look, I can't be in hell, man.
I'm a movie star.

89
00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:43,840
[scoffs] Tell that to Woody Allen.

90
00:03:43,970 --> 00:03:45,930
-He's not dead yet.
-Oh, really? He's not dead?

91
00:03:46,010 --> 00:03:49,640
You seen his last three movies? Okay?
Trust me. He's in hell.

92
00:03:49,770 --> 00:03:52,850
I just saw John Wayne Gacy
taking a shit in his face.

93
00:03:53,310 --> 00:03:55,730
-Look, I'm a good person. Okay?
-[scoffs]

94
00:03:56,230 --> 00:03:58,730
What have you ever done that's good
in your life?

95
00:03:58,820 --> 00:04:00,320
When have you ever given back?

96
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:04,200
Except for when you nearly bankrupted
Bud Light with those fucking commercials.

97
00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:07,240
I can't be dead. There's so many things
I would do differently.

98
00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:09,846
I would not have smoked weed
in front of Steven Spielberg that time.

99
00:04:09,870 --> 00:04:11,870
He never looked at me
as a serious actor again.

100
00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:13,500
And that's true.

101
00:04:13,580 --> 00:04:15,250
-[chuckles] Yeah.
-[audience laughs]

102
00:04:15,670 --> 00:04:18,090
I would have taken the lead role in Ted.

103
00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:22,800
Not the bear, Ted,
but the human friend of the bear.

104
00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:23,880
You mean John?

105
00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:25,430
I don't think that's it.

106
00:04:26,140 --> 00:04:28,890
I'm Satan, the Eternal Prince
of all that's dark.

107
00:04:29,010 --> 00:04:31,090
You don't think I know the name
of the lead character

108
00:04:31,140 --> 00:04:33,020
in my favorite movie of all time,

109
00:04:33,100 --> 00:04:36,310
starring my favorite actor,
directed by my favorite filmmaker?

110
00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:38,150
Okay? It's fucking John.

111
00:04:38,230 --> 00:04:42,190
Honestly, if there's one major thing
I would have done differently,

112
00:04:42,780 --> 00:04:44,070
I would've started a charity.

113
00:04:44,150 --> 00:04:45,700
-Wow.
-Yeah.

114
00:04:45,950 --> 00:04:47,660
You just surprised me right now.

115
00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:51,410
I didn't think you'd have it in you,
but Seth, you do.

116
00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:53,750
I'm gonna tell you this right now.

117
00:04:54,620 --> 00:04:56,370
I'm gonna give you one more chance.

118
00:04:56,750 --> 00:04:58,630
I'm gonna send you back to Earth,

119
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:01,460
but you need to start a charity.

120
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:02,960
I will.

121
00:05:03,090 --> 00:05:08,090
I'm gonna start a charity,
and it will be the best celebrity charity

122
00:05:08,180 --> 00:05:10,680
anyone's ever fucking seen
in their entire life.

123
00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:13,810
-Right. Charity's not a competition.
-Oh, it is a competition,

124
00:05:13,890 --> 00:05:15,730
and I'm gonna win
that fucking competition.

125
00:05:15,810 --> 00:05:18,206
Everyone's gonna be like,
"Have you seen Seth Rogen's charity?

126
00:05:18,230 --> 00:05:19,940
It's the best charity I've ever seen."

127
00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:22,440
And they'll all be sucking
on my vape pen-filled dick.

128
00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:24,330
-[audience laughs]
-You are missing the point.

129
00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:25,740
I am not missing anything.

130
00:05:25,860 --> 00:05:26,900
Send me back, devil.

131
00:05:27,030 --> 00:05:28,360
All right, fuck off, Seth.

132
00:05:28,490 --> 00:05:30,490
[audio squealing]

133
00:05:31,280 --> 00:05:33,240
-Wake up, man! Wake up!
-Oh, shit.

134
00:05:33,330 --> 00:05:34,330
Oh, thank God.

135
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,000
I must have just nodded off. Oh, my God.

136
00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:39,830
Yeah, dude, you were in the corner
slumped over like this.

137
00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:42,800
We thought you were dead,
but then you shit your pants.

138
00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:46,970
It's the only way we knew you were alive.
It smelled like lobster mac and cheese.

139
00:05:47,050 --> 00:05:49,010
-[audience laughing]
-It was actually pretty good.

140
00:05:50,140 --> 00:05:52,970
-You ate it?
-No, I just smelled it really close.

141
00:05:53,060 --> 00:05:55,480
-What's your fucking problem, dude?
-[laughter]

142
00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:58,560
Hey, man, you gotta go clean up
that mac and cheese shit-smear, dude.

143
00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:00,230
No time, man. Not at all.

144
00:06:00,310 --> 00:06:02,270
-I've got a charity to start.
-What?

145
00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:05,570
Do you want to take the vape pen
out of your dick hole first?

146
00:06:05,650 --> 00:06:07,490
-Yeah. [grunts]
-[popping]

147
00:06:07,610 --> 00:06:08,450
You want some?

148
00:06:08,570 --> 00:06:10,620
Yeah. Fucking disgusting. Totally.

149
00:06:10,740 --> 00:06:12,530
-Cowabunga, dude.
-Cool.

150
00:06:12,910 --> 00:06:14,580
Gonna go start that charity, man.

151
00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:16,660
Hey, you need me for any of it?

152
00:06:16,750 --> 00:06:18,510
No, I'm trying to get better people
than you.

153
00:06:18,580 --> 00:06:20,290
-All right. So blessed.
-Thank you.

154
00:06:20,420 --> 00:06:24,710
Hi. Get me Netflix. John Netflix. Senior.

155
00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:27,920
John? It's Seth Rogen.
I'm gonna start a charity event.

156
00:06:28,010 --> 00:06:30,930
This is the opening bit
to the charity event,

157
00:06:31,010 --> 00:06:33,510
and then, I'm gonna do
like the opening title sequence,

158
00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:35,810
and I was thinking of doing it
where I stand on stage

159
00:06:35,890 --> 00:06:39,350
and I Care Bear stare the people's names
out of my tummy as it glows.

160
00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:41,650
-And I'm gonna do that right now.
-[upbeat music plays]

161
00:06:41,730 --> 00:06:44,480
[woman]
It's Seth Rogen's Hilarity for Charity...

162
00:06:44,610 --> 00:06:46,900
-[audience cheering]
-...starring: Ike Barinholtz,

163
00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:48,820
Sacha Baron Cohen,

164
00:06:48,900 --> 00:06:50,240
Jeff Goldblum,

165
00:06:50,740 --> 00:06:51,860
Chris Hardwick,

166
00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:53,410
Nick Kroll,

167
00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:55,160
Lauren Miller Rogen,

168
00:06:55,490 --> 00:06:56,660
the Muppets,

169
00:06:57,290 --> 00:06:58,620
Kumail Nanjiani,

170
00:06:58,790 --> 00:07:00,000
Chelsea Peretti.

171
00:07:00,330 --> 00:07:03,040
Stand-up performances by Michael Che,

172
00:07:03,630 --> 00:07:04,960
Tiffany Haddish,

173
00:07:05,420 --> 00:07:06,590
John Mulaney,

174
00:07:07,130 --> 00:07:08,130
Sarah Silverman,

175
00:07:08,590 --> 00:07:09,800
Michelle Wolf,

176
00:07:09,970 --> 00:07:12,140
an animated short by Justin Roiland,

177
00:07:12,430 --> 00:07:14,550
with performances by Post Malone

178
00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:17,060
and Craig Robinson
& the Nasty Delicious.

179
00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:20,230
And your host, Seth Rogen.

180
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:24,060
[cheering and applause]

181
00:07:27,690 --> 00:07:29,610
-[music stops]
-See? It's weird.

182
00:07:29,690 --> 00:07:32,200
-[loud cheering, whistling]
-Thank you all for coming.

183
00:07:33,110 --> 00:07:34,240
Thank you.

184
00:07:35,410 --> 00:07:37,870
Thanks for coming, uh,
for Hilarity for Charity.

185
00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:39,750
I really, really appreciate it.

186
00:07:39,830 --> 00:07:42,040
You are helping raise money
for Alzheimer's,

187
00:07:42,500 --> 00:07:45,540
um, for research and for in-home care,

188
00:07:45,630 --> 00:07:47,460
so we don't all go to hell one day.

189
00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:50,800
-Uh, and... it's a good cause.
-[cheers and applause]

190
00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:52,970
Um, I just also want you to know

191
00:07:53,050 --> 00:07:56,220
that I'm pretty aware
that it's a very strong choice

192
00:07:56,300 --> 00:07:57,760
to start our charity event

193
00:07:58,180 --> 00:08:01,980
with me smoking a vape pen
through my urethra. Um...

194
00:08:02,060 --> 00:08:02,980
[crowd chuckles]

195
00:08:03,060 --> 00:08:05,520
It's a big choice
for an Alzheimer's charity event.

196
00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:09,440
So, what we're gonna do
is a thing that we call "alts,"

197
00:08:09,610 --> 00:08:11,030
or alternative jokes,

198
00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:12,530
just in case we decide

199
00:08:12,610 --> 00:08:15,820
that me inhaling drugs
through an uncircumcised penis

200
00:08:15,910 --> 00:08:17,950
is a little too much
for the opening of the show.

201
00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:21,910
So I have a camera guy here,
just to kind of pick off a few.

202
00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:27,130
So, the first one we're gonna get, again,
is a circumcised penis. Uh...

203
00:08:27,210 --> 00:08:29,710
-[laughter]
-You know, just in case. Okay?

204
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:32,050
We got that. Perfect. Um...

205
00:08:32,130 --> 00:08:35,300
Now, I'm gonna get
a realistically-sized penis.

206
00:08:35,380 --> 00:08:38,800
-So, there we go for that one.
-[laughter]

207
00:08:38,930 --> 00:08:40,600
Much better. Fantastic.

208
00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:43,350
Now, Netflix has a very big
international audience,

209
00:08:43,430 --> 00:08:47,230
so I thought, what better thing to do
than have an international penis here?

210
00:08:47,310 --> 00:08:49,520
-So here we have a French penis.
-[laughter]

211
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:53,070
His monocle fell off. There you go.

212
00:08:53,190 --> 00:08:55,200
[laughter]

213
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:57,780
And for our viewers from Australia,

214
00:08:57,990 --> 00:09:00,410
we got this penis,
the penis from Down Under.

215
00:09:00,490 --> 00:09:02,950
-[laughter]
-We'll just knock that out.

216
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:05,240
That's what it's like there.
That's what they're like.

217
00:09:06,420 --> 00:09:09,750
You may recognize this next penis
from the show

218
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:11,880
Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dinkholes...

219
00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:16,130
-Please welcome Guy Fieri penis.
-[laughter]

220
00:09:16,550 --> 00:09:17,680
Perfect.

221
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:20,100
Now...

222
00:09:20,930 --> 00:09:23,350
I want the show to be family-friendly.

223
00:09:23,430 --> 00:09:26,100
[laughter]

224
00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:28,400
I want kids to be able to watch it.

225
00:09:29,270 --> 00:09:31,650
So I thought, "Why don't we make
a penis for kids?"

226
00:09:31,730 --> 00:09:33,190
[laughter]

227
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:34,740
Here's a Minion penis.

228
00:09:34,860 --> 00:09:37,950
-[laughter]
-[Seth] Bee-doo-bee-doo-bee-doo.

229
00:09:38,530 --> 00:09:40,830
Perfect! I think we got our bases covered.

230
00:09:40,910 --> 00:09:43,176
Thank you guys very much.
I can't believe I'm saying this.

231
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:44,620
-I think...
-[applause]

232
00:09:44,700 --> 00:09:47,080
...I've reached my threshold
on dick jokes.

233
00:09:47,830 --> 00:09:50,630
I'm joking, there's way more dick jokes
throughout this night.

234
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:53,050
All right, are you guys ready
to get this show started?

235
00:09:53,250 --> 00:09:55,630
[cheers and applause]

236
00:09:56,130 --> 00:09:59,890
This first comedian plays clubs
and colleges all over the country.

237
00:10:00,010 --> 00:10:02,560
Please give it up for Michael Che.

238
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:05,310
-[audience cheering]
-[band plays upbeat intro]

239
00:10:07,100 --> 00:10:08,100
Hello.

240
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:13,860
Hi. Wow, how are you guys?

241
00:10:14,150 --> 00:10:15,530
[audience cheering]

242
00:10:16,190 --> 00:10:17,190
Very white.

243
00:10:17,530 --> 00:10:20,360
-[laughter]
-[chuckles]

244
00:10:20,660 --> 00:10:23,950
Holy shit, black people do not care
about this cause, apparently.

245
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,410
-[laughter]
-[Michael laughs]

246
00:10:27,830 --> 00:10:29,710
I'm very happy to be here.

247
00:10:30,170 --> 00:10:31,540
[chuckles] Nah, this is great.

248
00:10:31,630 --> 00:10:34,420
You know when you're in an airplane,
you're like, above the clouds,

249
00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:36,840
and you just see clouds?
That's what this feels like.

250
00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:38,970
[laughter]

251
00:10:39,130 --> 00:10:40,220
I'm very happy to be here.

252
00:10:40,300 --> 00:10:42,550
As soon as Seth asked me,
I was like, "Absolutely."

253
00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:47,390
He said, "I got this amazing charity,
and you can come by and do a set,

254
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,640
give your time, or you could
donate some money,

255
00:10:49,730 --> 00:10:52,610
-and I was like, "I'll do a set." And...
-[laughter]

256
00:10:52,980 --> 00:10:54,400
This cause means a lot to me.

257
00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:56,780
My grandmother has Alzheimer's.

258
00:10:57,110 --> 00:10:58,110
And, uh...

259
00:10:58,690 --> 00:11:01,860
Ah, if you know someone with Alzheimer's,
visit them.

260
00:11:02,110 --> 00:11:04,330
And, uh, the best thing to do
is give them music

261
00:11:04,410 --> 00:11:06,790
or things from their childhood
to help them, you know...

262
00:11:06,870 --> 00:11:09,000
Kind of-- It puts them in a good place.

263
00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:11,000
Like, for my grandmother,
I like to go visit her,

264
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:14,790
and I tell her a really, really mean,
racist joke, and...

265
00:11:15,420 --> 00:11:17,460
it makes her feel
like a little girl again.

266
00:11:17,550 --> 00:11:19,800
[laughter]

267
00:11:20,510 --> 00:11:23,010
Brings her back to the '50s immediately.

268
00:11:23,260 --> 00:11:24,446
Doesn't have to be a good joke,

269
00:11:24,470 --> 00:11:27,810
just anything that is mean
to Polish people, she loves it.

270
00:11:27,890 --> 00:11:29,890
-Um...
-[laughter]

271
00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:32,900
[chuckles]

272
00:11:33,020 --> 00:11:35,820
This is for charity. If you don't like it,
you're part of the problem.

273
00:11:35,900 --> 00:11:37,780
[laughter]

274
00:11:38,730 --> 00:11:39,610
I like to drink.

275
00:11:39,690 --> 00:11:43,910
LA's not really a drinking town,
I noticed. Your bars close at like 2:00.

276
00:11:43,990 --> 00:11:45,530
[crowd chuckles]

277
00:11:45,620 --> 00:11:48,080
Ugh. In New York,
you could drink all night.

278
00:11:48,620 --> 00:11:50,120
Into the morning time.

279
00:11:50,620 --> 00:11:52,120
Sometimes I drink so late,

280
00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:55,380
that I see people my age
taking their kids to school.

281
00:11:55,630 --> 00:11:57,550
[laughter]

282
00:11:57,630 --> 00:12:00,460
We just both look at each other like,
"Boy, did you fuck up your life."

283
00:12:00,550 --> 00:12:02,550
[laughter]

284
00:12:06,510 --> 00:12:08,640
After-hour bars are illegal
in New York, though,

285
00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:10,310
so you gotta have cash. Cash only.

286
00:12:10,390 --> 00:12:13,730
One time I tried to go to a bar...
with a credit card.

287
00:12:13,810 --> 00:12:16,130
They wouldn't give it to me.
They wouldn't sell me a drink.

288
00:12:16,190 --> 00:12:18,520
I got upset.
I got into a fight with this bartender.

289
00:12:18,610 --> 00:12:21,490
In the middle of the fight,
this gay guy walks up to me.

290
00:12:21,570 --> 00:12:24,950
I knew he was a gay guy,
because I took one look at him.

291
00:12:25,110 --> 00:12:27,280
[laughter]

292
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:29,580
He was visibly gay.

293
00:12:30,620 --> 00:12:34,620
You guys are uncomfortable by that,
because this is on TV. I get it. But...

294
00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:38,590
You've never seen a visibly--
If a cop came in and was like,

295
00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:41,920
"Looking for a gay guy who stole a purse,"
I'd be like, "This guy. Right?"

296
00:12:42,010 --> 00:12:43,510
[laughter]

297
00:12:44,630 --> 00:12:45,630
Is that weird?

298
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:48,220
I've seen visibly gay children.
You've never seen...?

299
00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:49,510
[laughter]

300
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:52,600
You've never seen a kid and been like,
"Aw, shit. Later, probably. Yeah."

301
00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:54,390
[laughter]

302
00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:56,400
You never watch MasterChef Junior?

303
00:12:56,730 --> 00:12:58,730
[laughter]

304
00:13:00,860 --> 00:13:05,070
[chuckles] I'm like, "Oh, shit.
This kid thinks he's just into soufflés."

305
00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:07,990
-[laughter]
-[chuckles]

306
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:12,426
That's not the point. The point is,
I was trying to buy a drink,

307
00:13:12,450 --> 00:13:14,160
and this gay guy walks up to me.

308
00:13:14,250 --> 00:13:15,790
[laughter]

309
00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:17,540
And he says, "Hey...

310
00:13:18,330 --> 00:13:20,210
I'll buy your drinks all night."

311
00:13:20,750 --> 00:13:22,210
And I was like, "Thank you."

312
00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:23,800
[laughter]

313
00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:25,510
"I'll have a beer and a shot."

314
00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:27,970
And I got it. He poured the beer,
the shot,

315
00:13:28,090 --> 00:13:29,970
I slammed the shot,
and I was sipping the beer.

316
00:13:30,050 --> 00:13:32,720
As I was sipping the beer,
the bartender was chuckling.

317
00:13:32,850 --> 00:13:36,270
And I'm like, "What the fuck is so funny?
I just beat the system."

318
00:13:36,350 --> 00:13:37,650
[crowd chuckles]

319
00:13:37,730 --> 00:13:39,286
She goes, "You know he only bought that

320
00:13:39,310 --> 00:13:41,190
because he's trying
to have sex with you later."

321
00:13:41,900 --> 00:13:43,820
And I was like, "Hey, is that shit true?"

322
00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:46,280
And he goes, "Well, that's the plan."

323
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,000
I was like, "Really?
That's your fucking plan?

324
00:13:49,070 --> 00:13:51,550
Gonna buy me drinks all night
to the point where I get so drunk

325
00:13:51,620 --> 00:13:53,410
that I end up having sex with you later?"

326
00:13:53,870 --> 00:13:54,910
And he said, "Yes."

327
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,910
And I was like, "Challenge accepted."

328
00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:59,000
[laughter]

329
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:02,040
"I want to see where this shit goes."

330
00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:05,340
He was a man of his word.
He bought me drinks all fucking night.

331
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:07,420
He'd even check on me periodically.

332
00:14:07,510 --> 00:14:11,180
He'd rub the small of my back,
and go, "How you feeling, big boy?"

333
00:14:11,260 --> 00:14:13,510
-[laughter]
-I was like, "Still straight, bro.

334
00:14:14,430 --> 00:14:17,310
Maybe some of that 30-year-old Scotch
might loosen me up."

335
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:18,600
[laughter]

336
00:14:18,730 --> 00:14:20,560
"It's always been too expensive
for my taste,

337
00:14:20,650 --> 00:14:23,360
but for science, I feel like we should
leave no stone unturned."

338
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:25,440
[laughter]

339
00:14:26,070 --> 00:14:29,490
I blue-balled the fuck out of Marco.
[chuckles]

340
00:14:29,610 --> 00:14:31,530
His name was Marco.
I'll never forget his name

341
00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:33,500
because I asked, and he goes,
"My name is Marco.

342
00:14:33,530 --> 00:14:36,540
I like to dance and I like to suck cock."
And I was like, "Okay.

343
00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:39,370
-Coming in hot there, Marco."
-[laughter]

344
00:14:39,460 --> 00:14:40,920
I guess I'll keep that shit in mind

345
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:43,090
in case somebody gets you
for Secret Santa."

346
00:14:43,170 --> 00:14:45,170
[laughter]

347
00:14:46,670 --> 00:14:48,630
[chuckles]
"Hey, what should we get Marco?"

348
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:50,800
"I don't know.
He likes to dance and suck cock, so...

349
00:14:51,470 --> 00:14:53,640
-a cape?" What do you...?
-[laughter]

350
00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:55,560
What do you get the man that has it all?

351
00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:57,640
[crowd chuckling]

352
00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:01,230
I drink till like 9:30 in the morning
on Marco's dime.

353
00:15:01,310 --> 00:15:02,870
He finally just stormed out of the bar.

354
00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:05,020
I was like, "Good game, bro."

355
00:15:05,110 --> 00:15:06,400
[laughter]

356
00:15:06,530 --> 00:15:08,530
"Both teams played hard, my man."

357
00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:11,360
Bartender was not laughing anymore.

358
00:15:11,910 --> 00:15:13,506
She was like,
"You took advantage of that guy."

359
00:15:13,530 --> 00:15:16,490
I was like, "First of all, he was trying
to take advantage of me first."

360
00:15:16,740 --> 00:15:19,580
I don't know if you remember,
but he was trying to fuck me."

361
00:15:19,660 --> 00:15:20,750
[laughter]

362
00:15:20,830 --> 00:15:22,630
I wasn't trying to take advantage of him.

363
00:15:22,710 --> 00:15:25,390
He offered to buy me drinks,
and I accepted. What's wrong with that?

364
00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:27,920
Plus, if there's a number of drinks
that I can have

365
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:29,646
that's gonna make me end up
having sex with a dude,

366
00:15:29,670 --> 00:15:31,090
I want to know that fucking number.

367
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:33,180
[laughter]

368
00:15:33,590 --> 00:15:35,260
I want to be able to walk into a bar,

369
00:15:35,350 --> 00:15:37,600
slam my card down, and be like,
"Cut me off at eight."

370
00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:40,060
[laughter]

371
00:15:40,230 --> 00:15:41,690
I gotta go. Thank you guys so much.

372
00:15:41,770 --> 00:15:43,350
My name is Michael Che. Goodnight.

373
00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:45,230
[cheers and applause]

374
00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:47,610
[man] In the last year,

375
00:15:48,030 --> 00:15:52,990
Netflix has released an incredible 3,000
stand-up comedy specials

376
00:15:53,070 --> 00:15:55,370
from comedy icons like Chris Rock,

377
00:15:55,450 --> 00:15:57,740
Amy Schumer, and Dave Chappelle.

378
00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:01,290
In fact, there's only one legend
of stand-up

379
00:16:01,370 --> 00:16:04,120
who hasn't released a special
on Netflix...

380
00:16:04,420 --> 00:16:05,880
until now.

381
00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:09,670
For the first time ever,
this is his story.

382
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:14,180
First thing you gotta know about Netflix
is we make a lot of stand-up specials.

383
00:16:14,260 --> 00:16:15,970
I know it said 3,000,

384
00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:17,970
but that's just what's on the air.

385
00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:22,310
We've got another 64,000 specials
in the can.

386
00:16:22,730 --> 00:16:27,230
It's exciting to be able to bring
so much stand-up into the world.

387
00:16:27,310 --> 00:16:28,860
So many, that people are like,

388
00:16:28,940 --> 00:16:32,150
"Why did you guys give
those people Netflix specials?"

389
00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:33,820
Well, I'll tell you why.

390
00:16:33,900 --> 00:16:37,660
We're making so much money,
you would not believe it.

391
00:16:37,740 --> 00:16:39,080
[laughter]

392
00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:42,960
He is without a doubt one of the greatest
stand-up comedians of all time.

393
00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:44,540
Huge influence on me.

394
00:16:44,620 --> 00:16:46,580
I mean, his skill is...

395
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:48,380
[chuckles] ...inhuman.

396
00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:51,960
Try to imagine comedy without Fozzie Bear.

397
00:16:52,300 --> 00:16:55,090
-[crowd cheering]
-Aah! Wocka, wocka! Oh...

398
00:16:55,220 --> 00:16:58,140
[Kumail] Yeah, I remember...
the first time I saw Fozzie Bear.

399
00:16:58,220 --> 00:17:00,560
I was little kid, and I'll never forget
the joke he did.

400
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,060
He said, uh,

401
00:17:02,220 --> 00:17:05,350
"Why did the taxi driver quit his job?

402
00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:08,690
Because he was tired of people talking
behind his back."

403
00:17:08,940 --> 00:17:11,730
-[audience chuckling]
-"Wocka, wocka."

404
00:17:11,820 --> 00:17:12,940
[laughter]

405
00:17:13,030 --> 00:17:17,360
Now, at that time, comics were only doing
one wocka after their jokes.

406
00:17:17,450 --> 00:17:20,200
and some hacks
were doing three or four wockas.

407
00:17:20,450 --> 00:17:22,490
-But Fozzie did two.
-[laughter]

408
00:17:22,580 --> 00:17:25,960
He was literally the only living
stand-up comedian

409
00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:28,250
we hadn't given a special to yet.

410
00:17:28,460 --> 00:17:30,710
We even gave a few
to comedians who died.

411
00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:33,090
The Dangerfield hologram killed.

412
00:17:33,170 --> 00:17:36,470
That's the story of my life, no respect.
I don't get no respect at all.

413
00:17:36,550 --> 00:17:38,510
-[laughter]
-Fozzie is one of those comedians.

414
00:17:38,590 --> 00:17:40,470
who isn't afraid to say
what we're all thinking.

415
00:17:40,550 --> 00:17:43,680
Like, what's a taxi driver's
favorite food?

416
00:17:43,770 --> 00:17:44,770
Cabbage.

417
00:17:44,810 --> 00:17:47,810
-Like-- But we're too afraid to say it.
-[laughter]

418
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,230
Fozzie says it.

419
00:17:49,690 --> 00:17:51,020
We can't stand him...

420
00:17:51,150 --> 00:17:52,860
-Mmm.
-...but I'll bet this special

421
00:17:52,940 --> 00:17:55,440
will do great with the bear's
target demographic.

422
00:17:55,570 --> 00:17:59,360
Ah! Yeah, people who died
watching Netflix on autoplay.

423
00:17:59,450 --> 00:18:00,820
[cackling]

424
00:18:00,910 --> 00:18:02,790
Fozzie Bear is my idol

425
00:18:02,870 --> 00:18:05,830
and when they asked
if they could record his Netflix special

426
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:07,920
at my charity event, I was like,

427
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:09,540
"Yes, that's perfect."

428
00:18:09,790 --> 00:18:13,000
So, here to perform his special,

429
00:18:13,130 --> 00:18:15,960
please welcome Fozzie Bear, everybody.

430
00:18:16,170 --> 00:18:18,380
-[cheers and applause]
-[upbeat music plays]

431
00:18:20,470 --> 00:18:22,600
Thank you! Thank you, Seth. Oh, yes!

432
00:18:23,510 --> 00:18:25,560
Yes! Oh!

433
00:18:25,890 --> 00:18:28,600
-Hiya! Hiya! Whoa! [grunts]
-[applause continues]

434
00:18:28,810 --> 00:18:31,150
-I'm okay. I'm okay.
-[laughter]

435
00:18:31,230 --> 00:18:32,610
[Fozzie chuckles]

436
00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:36,690
Just a little nervous
streaming to all these people. [chuckles]

437
00:18:37,110 --> 00:18:39,780
You'd think a bear would be comfortable
in a stream, but...

438
00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:42,160
I don't see any salmon, do you?

439
00:18:42,620 --> 00:18:45,580
Aah, get it? Salmon, stream?

440
00:18:45,660 --> 00:18:46,660
[nervous chuckle]

441
00:18:48,330 --> 00:18:49,960
You see, sir, I'm a bear...

442
00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:52,290
and bears have a real taste for salmon.

443
00:18:52,380 --> 00:18:54,800
It actually might be our favorite thing
in the world--

444
00:18:55,090 --> 00:18:57,840
-[stammers] Oh! Oh!
-Fozzie! Fozzie!

445
00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:59,470
-Yo.
-Wha...? Huh?

446
00:18:59,550 --> 00:19:00,800
What's up, man?

447
00:19:00,930 --> 00:19:02,430
[stammering]

448
00:19:02,510 --> 00:19:05,060
I'm dying out here, Seth. That's what's--

449
00:19:05,140 --> 00:19:09,520
-Yeah, dude, I can tell, you're bombing.
-[stammers] Yeah! Any ideas?

450
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:11,270
-I do have some ideas. Honestly...
-Yeah?

451
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:14,820
...I'm not a strong performer on stage,
so whenever it's not going well,

452
00:19:14,940 --> 00:19:18,190
-there's one thing that always works.
-What? Tell me!

453
00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:20,530
I ask my talented famous friends

454
00:19:20,610 --> 00:19:23,320
to do cameo appearances
to kind of pander to the audience

455
00:19:23,410 --> 00:19:25,780
and distract from the fact that
I'm not doing that well.

456
00:19:25,910 --> 00:19:28,750
-[laughter]
-That sounds like a great ide--

457
00:19:28,830 --> 00:19:30,790
Yes! And I know just who to call.

458
00:19:31,370 --> 00:19:32,790
Kermit!

459
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:34,460
Yeah, what is it, Fozzie?

460
00:19:34,540 --> 00:19:37,380
-[cheers and applause]
-Aah. How's it going?

461
00:19:38,340 --> 00:19:41,090
I need you to do a cameo appearance
and pander to the audience.

462
00:19:41,470 --> 00:19:44,720
Oh. Oh, sure.
I mean, we do that for Seth all the time.

463
00:19:45,220 --> 00:19:46,470
Come on, gang. Come on in.

464
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,180
-Hey, come on out! Come out here.
-[all chattering]

465
00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:51,980
-[cheers and applause]
-I didn't know you were all here!

466
00:19:52,060 --> 00:19:54,650
-Wow!
-Hey! Hey!

467
00:19:54,730 --> 00:19:56,690
-Music! Here we go.
-[playing "The Magic Store"]

468
00:19:56,770 --> 00:19:58,506
-[Fozzie] Oh, I know this song.
-[Kermit] Yeah.

469
00:19:58,530 --> 00:19:59,820
-It's a good one.
-Here we go.

470
00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:01,150
I'll start.

471
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,200
♪ It starts when we're kids ♪

472
00:20:04,820 --> 00:20:06,660
♪ A show-off at school ♪

473
00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:09,830
♪ Making faces at friends ♪

474
00:20:11,290 --> 00:20:13,210
♪ You're a clown and a fool ♪

475
00:20:13,290 --> 00:20:14,500
[Fozzie] Aah!

476
00:20:14,580 --> 00:20:18,300
♪ Doing pratfalls and bird calls
And bad imitations ♪

477
00:20:18,460 --> 00:20:21,380
♪ Ignoring your homework
Is that dedication? ♪

478
00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:23,130
♪ You work through the mirror ♪

479
00:20:24,260 --> 00:20:27,760
♪ You're getting standing ovations ♪

480
00:20:27,850 --> 00:20:29,810
♪ You're burning with hope ♪

481
00:20:31,140 --> 00:20:33,140
♪ You're building up steam ♪

482
00:20:34,390 --> 00:20:37,860
♪ What was once juvenile-ish
Is grown up and stylish ♪

483
00:20:37,940 --> 00:20:39,650
♪ You're close to your dream ♪

484
00:20:39,730 --> 00:20:40,940
Yeah!

485
00:20:41,030 --> 00:20:44,360
♪ Then somebody out there loves you ♪

486
00:20:44,450 --> 00:20:47,910
-♪ Stands up and hollers for more ♪
-More!

487
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:54,210
♪ You've got a home at the Magic Store ♪

488
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:56,080
You did it, Fozzie.

489
00:20:56,170 --> 00:20:58,920
It's out best stand-up special yet!

490
00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:01,260
Oh, you guys really think so?

491
00:21:01,340 --> 00:21:04,720
Yeah, it was perfect!
It was just like a movie.

492
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:07,760
Oh, nice song cue, Kumail.

493
00:21:11,430 --> 00:21:12,980
♪ Life's like a movie ♪

494
00:21:13,180 --> 00:21:14,730
♪ Write your own ending ♪

495
00:21:14,810 --> 00:21:17,600
♪ Keep believing, keep pretending ♪

496
00:21:17,690 --> 00:21:21,780
♪ We've done just what
We set out to do ♪

497
00:21:21,900 --> 00:21:25,570
♪ Thanks to the lovers ♪

498
00:21:25,650 --> 00:21:28,660
♪ The dreamers ♪

499
00:21:28,780 --> 00:21:35,540
♪ And you ♪

500
00:21:35,660 --> 00:21:37,500
[cheers and applause]

501
00:21:37,580 --> 00:21:40,250
-[Fozzie] Oh, yeah!
-[Kermit] That was great.

502
00:21:40,340 --> 00:21:43,010
-[Seth] We did it.
-[Fozzie] Thanks, guys!

503
00:21:43,130 --> 00:21:45,380
-[all chattering]
-[Kermit] Great job, Kumail.

504
00:21:45,470 --> 00:21:47,260
-Nice job, Seth.
-Great job, Muppets.

505
00:21:47,340 --> 00:21:49,050
Thank you to the Muppets, everybody!

506
00:21:49,140 --> 00:21:51,260
-[cheers and applause]
-[upbeat music plays]

507
00:21:51,350 --> 00:21:54,180
[Seth] She plays clubs and colleges
all over the country.

508
00:21:54,270 --> 00:21:56,020
Michelle Wolf!

509
00:21:56,980 --> 00:22:00,310
-[applause continues]
-[music stops]

510
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:03,610
Oh, hi, guys, how are you?

511
00:22:03,690 --> 00:22:05,740
Boy, what a time we're having.

512
00:22:05,860 --> 00:22:07,650
There's so much happening.

513
00:22:08,110 --> 00:22:12,950
So much sexual harassment happening
over the last couple of centuries.

514
00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:15,080
[laughter]

515
00:22:15,410 --> 00:22:19,500
Just all these brand-new allegations
from the beginning of time.

516
00:22:19,580 --> 00:22:21,840
[laughter]

517
00:22:22,210 --> 00:22:25,090
Men have been sexually harassing women
since the beginning.

518
00:22:25,170 --> 00:22:27,380
It's even in the Bible. What's it say?

519
00:22:27,470 --> 00:22:31,390
It's like, "On the third day,
God was like, 'Hey sugar tits.'"

520
00:22:31,470 --> 00:22:33,010
[laughter]

521
00:22:33,140 --> 00:22:35,770
You know. But, to be fair,
he had just made tits.

522
00:22:35,850 --> 00:22:38,560
-[crowd chuckling]
-And sugar. It was a good day.

523
00:22:38,730 --> 00:22:40,350
It was the best day.

524
00:22:42,940 --> 00:22:45,900
And now, men don't even know
how to act anymore.

525
00:22:45,980 --> 00:22:47,650
Guy friends of mine will be like,

526
00:22:47,740 --> 00:22:50,910
"If a woman walks by,
can I even say she looks nice?"

527
00:22:51,490 --> 00:22:55,040
And men, this is how you can
not get accused of sexual harassment.

528
00:22:55,120 --> 00:22:57,040
It works almost all the time.

529
00:22:57,250 --> 00:23:00,460
Men, all you have to do is be hot.

530
00:23:00,750 --> 00:23:03,750
[laughter, scattered applause]

531
00:23:05,420 --> 00:23:08,760
And then we'll be like,
"Aah! He touched my boob!

532
00:23:09,170 --> 00:23:11,510
The hot guy touched my boob!"

533
00:23:12,220 --> 00:23:13,680
We might even apologize.

534
00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:16,970
-"I'm so sorry, my boob was in your hand."
-[laughter]

535
00:23:17,310 --> 00:23:19,730
"It wasn't even the good one,
you should touch the other one.

536
00:23:19,810 --> 00:23:20,980
It's a better shape."

537
00:23:21,140 --> 00:23:22,350
[laughter]

538
00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:23,810
They're different shapes.

539
00:23:25,270 --> 00:23:28,110
But everything's broken,
probably because we're all idiots.

540
00:23:28,190 --> 00:23:29,400
[laughter]

541
00:23:29,490 --> 00:23:31,240
We have too many people anyway.

542
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:34,070
People are are trying to figure out
what to do with immigrants.

543
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:37,450
A lot of people are worried about
immigrants coming and taking our jobs.

544
00:23:37,540 --> 00:23:40,580
I'm worried about Americans
taking immigrant jobs.

545
00:23:41,330 --> 00:23:44,420
I got a massage from
a Midwestern white lady.

546
00:23:44,500 --> 00:23:46,000
[laughter]

547
00:23:46,130 --> 00:23:49,800
It essentially felt like a cat was walking
on my back for an hour.

548
00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:51,880
[laughter]

549
00:23:52,340 --> 00:23:54,010
Not an angry or a hungry cat.

550
00:23:54,090 --> 00:23:55,300
Just a happy cat...

551
00:23:55,430 --> 00:23:56,640
[laughter]

552
00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:58,560
...trying to find a place to sleep.

553
00:24:00,430 --> 00:24:03,730
And then a couple of weeks later,
I got a massage from a Korean man,

554
00:24:03,810 --> 00:24:05,900
and he pressed into my back
with the pressure

555
00:24:05,980 --> 00:24:08,360
that he had left his whole family behind.

556
00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:09,990
[laughter]

557
00:24:10,070 --> 00:24:12,450
That's a great massage!

558
00:24:12,990 --> 00:24:16,620
You need a massage from someone
who's been through something.

559
00:24:17,620 --> 00:24:20,120
You can't get a massage from a woman
named Meredith,

560
00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:22,160
where the worst thing that
ever happened to her

561
00:24:22,250 --> 00:24:24,210
is the one time she got bangs.

562
00:24:24,290 --> 00:24:26,540
[laughter]

563
00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:30,510
I walked in and saw it was a white lady,
and at first I was like,

564
00:24:30,590 --> 00:24:32,880
"It could be okay. She could be Russian."

565
00:24:32,970 --> 00:24:35,340
[laughter]

566
00:24:35,930 --> 00:24:37,550
But then she goes, "Lay down."

567
00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:39,560
I was like, "No, she sounds like me."
[giggles]

568
00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:41,140
[laughter]

569
00:24:41,220 --> 00:24:43,560
Because rarely do you walk
into a situation and think,

570
00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:46,100
"You know who would be better at this job?
A white lady."

571
00:24:46,190 --> 00:24:47,020
[laughter]

572
00:24:47,110 --> 00:24:50,070
Unless that job is crying
outside of a bar. Then, yes.

573
00:24:50,150 --> 00:24:52,150
[laughter]

574
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:54,450
We are so good at it.

575
00:24:56,490 --> 00:24:58,240
Plus, you don't want a massage
from someone

576
00:24:58,330 --> 00:24:59,830
that wants to give you a massage,

577
00:24:59,910 --> 00:25:02,910
you want a massage from someone
that has to give you a massage.

578
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:06,370
-[laughter]
-Those are two very different people.

579
00:25:06,580 --> 00:25:10,460
Somebody that wants to touch
your naked back for an hour,

580
00:25:10,550 --> 00:25:12,090
that's a serial killer.

581
00:25:12,170 --> 00:25:13,630
[laughter]

582
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:15,380
Someone that has to give you a massage,

583
00:25:15,510 --> 00:25:18,470
someone's that's like,
"This fucking piece of shit...

584
00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:23,140
comes in here and says
her neck is sore from sleeping wrong?"

585
00:25:23,230 --> 00:25:24,350
[laughter]

586
00:25:24,430 --> 00:25:27,350
"I work 70 hours a day.

587
00:25:27,770 --> 00:25:29,650
I live three states away,

588
00:25:29,730 --> 00:25:32,320
and I bike to work,
and this piece of shit..."

589
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:34,690
-[laughter]
-And the whole time, you're thinking,

590
00:25:34,780 --> 00:25:37,110
-"This is a great massage."
-[laughter continues]

591
00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:40,950
[applause, cheering]

592
00:25:44,450 --> 00:25:47,420
Yeah. My back feels great.
He makes an American living.

593
00:25:47,500 --> 00:25:50,210
-That's the real happy ending.
-[laughter]

594
00:25:50,290 --> 00:25:52,590
All right, thanks a lot, guys.
I'm Michelle Wolf.

595
00:25:52,670 --> 00:25:54,670
[cheers and applause]

596
00:25:56,130 --> 00:25:59,220
Holy shit. Welcome to another edition
of Talking Hilarity for Charity.

597
00:25:59,340 --> 00:26:01,560
Tonight, we have Seth Rogen on the show.

598
00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:04,980
I am Chris Hardwick,
and this is Talking Hilarity for Charity.

599
00:26:05,060 --> 00:26:07,640
-[cheers and applause]
-[upbeat music playing]

600
00:26:12,940 --> 00:26:15,190
Thanks for joining us.
Seth, thank you for being here.

601
00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:17,360
-Very exciting to have you.
-Thank you for having me.

602
00:26:17,450 --> 00:26:19,740
Good. So, um... How do you think
the show is going so far?

603
00:26:19,820 --> 00:26:22,370
Uh, well, I think the opening...

604
00:26:22,450 --> 00:26:25,040
You know, I really doubled down
on that penis gag,

605
00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:29,000
and I wasn't sure about it going in,
but I just tried to make the best of it.

606
00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:31,560
We asked the audience what they thought
about your opening bit.

607
00:26:31,630 --> 00:26:32,960
Here's what they had to say.

608
00:26:33,090 --> 00:26:35,630
Twelve percent enjoyed the penis gag.

609
00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:38,590
Eighty-six percent
did not enjoy the penis gag.

610
00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:40,140
Two percent were not comfortable

611
00:26:40,220 --> 00:26:42,390
with the words "penis" or "gag"
next to one another.

612
00:26:42,470 --> 00:26:43,560
[laughter]

613
00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:44,560
I get that.

614
00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:46,770
If they didn't like that,
we still have John Mulaney,

615
00:26:46,850 --> 00:26:48,640
Tiffany Haddish, and Post Malone,

616
00:26:48,730 --> 00:26:50,940
-so there's a lot more of the show.
-That sounds great.

617
00:26:51,020 --> 00:26:53,770
Let's check out some highlights
of the show so far. Let's roll that.

618
00:26:53,860 --> 00:26:56,360
[band plays rock music]

619
00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:00,570
Fuck you.

620
00:27:01,110 --> 00:27:02,410
[laughter]

621
00:27:02,530 --> 00:27:04,700
I don't think any of that stuff
happened on the show.

622
00:27:04,780 --> 00:27:06,660
[laughs] That's great.
Thanks so much, Seth.

623
00:27:06,750 --> 00:27:09,040
[cheers and applause]

624
00:27:14,710 --> 00:27:15,750
Now...

625
00:27:17,510 --> 00:27:20,930
we want the special to be seen
by as many people as possible,

626
00:27:21,430 --> 00:27:27,720
and the Netflix algorithm
is the thing that decides who sees what.

627
00:27:27,930 --> 00:27:29,770
And no one quite gets
how the fuck it works.

628
00:27:30,140 --> 00:27:33,020
So, we want to trick
the Netflix algorithm, basically,

629
00:27:33,100 --> 00:27:37,820
by including as many genres
in this special as humanly possible

630
00:27:37,980 --> 00:27:40,200
to get it do as many people
as humanly possible.

631
00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:44,320
So, our first genre appeals to families,
animal lovers,

632
00:27:44,410 --> 00:27:47,240
science enthusiasts,
people who are extremely high.

633
00:27:47,540 --> 00:27:52,830
It is... the very, very classy
nature documentary.

634
00:27:53,170 --> 00:27:54,250
Take it away.

635
00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:58,340
[slow, dramatic theme plays]

636
00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:09,140
I am Sir David Attenborat.

637
00:28:09,220 --> 00:28:12,940
-[laughter]
-It's for charity, what do you expect?

638
00:28:13,190 --> 00:28:17,730
Join me as we explore
the infinite variety,

639
00:28:17,860 --> 00:28:21,110
majesty, and ingenuity...

640
00:28:21,900 --> 00:28:24,450
of Life Itself.

641
00:28:24,610 --> 00:28:26,240
[laughter]

642
00:28:27,660 --> 00:28:30,370
Southern California

643
00:28:30,500 --> 00:28:35,210
is a hostile and insular archipelago,

644
00:28:35,750 --> 00:28:39,670
home to a plethora of creatures,

645
00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:43,970
including the agent, the publicist,

646
00:28:44,300 --> 00:28:48,010
and 15 other sub-species of wanker.

647
00:28:48,100 --> 00:28:49,510
[audience laughs]

648
00:28:49,600 --> 00:28:52,430
No animal in this region

649
00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:56,480
epitomizes the wanker more than...

650
00:28:56,600 --> 00:28:58,650
the Seth Rogen.

651
00:28:58,730 --> 00:28:59,820
[laughter]

652
00:28:59,940 --> 00:29:03,700
A sedentary, house-dwelling ape,

653
00:29:03,990 --> 00:29:07,620
the Seth is one of the rarest subspecies

654
00:29:07,700 --> 00:29:11,120
of the common Jewish cannabis addict...

655
00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:12,200
[laughter]

656
00:29:12,290 --> 00:29:14,540
...Stono Judaicus.

657
00:29:14,620 --> 00:29:15,670
[laughter continues]

658
00:29:15,750 --> 00:29:22,550
Discovered barely 19 years ago
by the Juddus Apatowicus,

659
00:29:23,010 --> 00:29:25,970
the Seth subsists on a diet

660
00:29:26,090 --> 00:29:30,260
of Doritos, Pop-Tarts, and pornography.

661
00:29:30,350 --> 00:29:31,720
[laughter]

662
00:29:31,810 --> 00:29:35,810
Despite his obvious physical shortcomings,

663
00:29:35,890 --> 00:29:40,110
the Seth has achieved dominance
in his pride

664
00:29:40,230 --> 00:29:44,440
by drawing attention to himself
like a peacock,

665
00:29:44,740 --> 00:29:50,370
if instead of feathers, the plumage
were made of dicks, weed, and fart jokes.

666
00:29:50,450 --> 00:29:52,620
[audience laughing]

667
00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:56,920
Procreation for this beast is a challenge,

668
00:29:57,330 --> 00:30:00,920
as the Seth finds it virtually impossible

669
00:30:01,000 --> 00:30:06,550
to become aroused by anything
other than interracial pornography,

670
00:30:06,930 --> 00:30:10,850
with the faces of celebrities
digitally added on.

671
00:30:11,010 --> 00:30:13,010
[laughter]

672
00:30:14,180 --> 00:30:17,520
It is now... 4:00 in the morning,

673
00:30:17,850 --> 00:30:20,230
and as the temperature drops,

674
00:30:20,690 --> 00:30:23,070
there is an unexpected threat.

675
00:30:24,730 --> 00:30:28,320
The Seth's internet is down.

676
00:30:28,400 --> 00:30:30,410
[laughter]

677
00:30:31,780 --> 00:30:35,330
This slovenly creature is agitated.

678
00:30:36,410 --> 00:30:41,080
He has not masturbated
in almost two hours.

679
00:30:41,210 --> 00:30:42,750
[laughter]

680
00:30:42,880 --> 00:30:46,050
And if the internet does not return soon,

681
00:30:46,210 --> 00:30:50,510
he will we forced to venture
into the outside world

682
00:30:50,840 --> 00:30:52,640
to self-stimulate

683
00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:55,180
in the hostile environment

684
00:30:55,270 --> 00:30:58,730
of a Starbucks disabled toilet.

685
00:30:58,810 --> 00:31:02,360
-[laughter]
-The journey there is treacherous.

686
00:31:03,230 --> 00:31:04,610
Round the corner

687
00:31:04,730 --> 00:31:09,530
lurks a pack of pygmy
spectacled comedy nerds.

688
00:31:10,150 --> 00:31:13,700
Eight to ten of them,
and they're hungry...

689
00:31:14,120 --> 00:31:15,450
for a selfie.

690
00:31:16,240 --> 00:31:19,910
The Seth, stoned and heavy with semen,

691
00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:23,290
is no match for this young nerd's agility.

692
00:31:23,380 --> 00:31:25,000
[no audible dialogue]

693
00:31:25,090 --> 00:31:27,130
But this time, the Seth is in luck.

694
00:31:27,840 --> 00:31:33,300
The nerd has mistaken him
for another subspecies of Stono Judaicus,

695
00:31:33,390 --> 00:31:34,760
the Jonah Hill.

696
00:31:34,850 --> 00:31:36,850
[laughter]

697
00:31:40,140 --> 00:31:42,230
His journey complete,

698
00:31:42,310 --> 00:31:45,980
he finally has access
to wireless fidelity.

699
00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:51,450
But just moments from mating
with eight sheets of toilet paper,

700
00:31:51,570 --> 00:31:53,820
there is an unforseen challenge.

701
00:31:54,240 --> 00:31:57,830
-[audience laughing]
-Oh, no!

702
00:31:58,450 --> 00:31:59,620
Shoot.

703
00:31:59,700 --> 00:32:01,210
What will he do?

704
00:32:01,500 --> 00:32:03,670
Fight or flush?

705
00:32:07,630 --> 00:32:08,500
Yeah!

706
00:32:08,590 --> 00:32:13,260
Victorious, this proud beast
has triumphed.

707
00:32:13,340 --> 00:32:15,350
[dryer whirring]

708
00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:18,810
-This has been Life Itself...
-[music stops]

709
00:32:18,930 --> 00:32:20,520
Look, listen, I did my best.

710
00:32:20,600 --> 00:32:24,350
I know at times I sound a bit
like a Chinese Winston Churchill.

711
00:32:24,690 --> 00:32:28,400
What did you fucking want,
Benedict fucking Cumberbatch?

712
00:32:28,860 --> 00:32:30,740
Well, he wasn't available.

713
00:32:30,940 --> 00:32:34,780
Actually, he was unaffordable,
he wanted 50 grand.

714
00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:37,700
It's for charity. What a shitbag.

715
00:32:37,830 --> 00:32:39,160
[laughter]

716
00:32:39,240 --> 00:32:41,620
I'm doing this for 20. Goodbye.

717
00:32:42,660 --> 00:32:45,120
[cheers and applause]

718
00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:52,470
All right, um,
I'm really excited for our next comedian.

719
00:32:52,550 --> 00:32:56,590
You've probably seen him perform at clubs
and colleges all over the country.

720
00:32:57,140 --> 00:33:00,260
Please give it up for John Mulaney.

721
00:33:00,680 --> 00:33:03,690
-[cheers and applause]
-[upbeat music plays]

722
00:33:06,020 --> 00:33:08,770
Well! Hello, my name is John Mulaney.

723
00:33:08,900 --> 00:33:09,730
How are you?

724
00:33:09,820 --> 00:33:11,110
-I am, uh...
-[crowd cheering]

725
00:33:11,230 --> 00:33:15,280
I'm gonna do stand-up comedy now,
which is like a funny speech.

726
00:33:15,660 --> 00:33:16,740
-Uh...
-[laughter]

727
00:33:16,820 --> 00:33:17,820
Okay, I'm good.

728
00:33:17,910 --> 00:33:20,740
I spilled the free water
on my pants backstage,

729
00:33:20,830 --> 00:33:23,290
and I was nervous to come out,

730
00:33:23,370 --> 00:33:27,830
'cause I thought that you would think
that I had peed in my pants,

731
00:33:28,210 --> 00:33:32,920
and we need to stop being
worried about that as a society.

732
00:33:33,050 --> 00:33:34,300
Because, guess what?

733
00:33:34,380 --> 00:33:38,430
No one anywhere is peeing in their pants

734
00:33:38,510 --> 00:33:41,890
and then just going about their day
as planned.

735
00:33:42,350 --> 00:33:45,270
Just like, "Ah, I seem to have
peed into my pants,

736
00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:47,520
off to the side until completion.

737
00:33:47,600 --> 00:33:50,400
But I have appointments,
I must a soldier on.

738
00:33:50,730 --> 00:33:52,190
I'll sure get a lot more done,

739
00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:54,400
now that I don't have to go
to the bathroom.

740
00:33:55,240 --> 00:33:58,160
I see people in bathrooms, like,
under the hand dryer,

741
00:33:58,240 --> 00:34:00,200
like, roasting their genitals.

742
00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:01,660
Enough.

743
00:34:01,830 --> 00:34:04,160
It doesn't even look like pee.

744
00:34:04,290 --> 00:34:07,370
Have you ever actually peed your pants?
Of course you have.

745
00:34:07,460 --> 00:34:11,420
It's like an abstract painting
down the inside of your thigh.

746
00:34:11,540 --> 00:34:14,050
-It comes out the bottom of your shoe.
-[laughter]

747
00:34:14,340 --> 00:34:16,670
Pee is like fire in the movie Backdraft.

748
00:34:16,760 --> 00:34:18,260
It goes where it wants.

749
00:34:18,380 --> 00:34:20,550
[laughter]

750
00:34:21,010 --> 00:34:23,260
Also, it wasn't water, it was pee.

751
00:34:23,350 --> 00:34:25,640
'Cause I stopped peeing,
but I didn't stop,

752
00:34:25,730 --> 00:34:28,190
-and it kept coming out a little bit.
-[laughter]

753
00:34:28,310 --> 00:34:29,690
I'm 35 now.

754
00:34:29,770 --> 00:34:33,400
-That's young, but it's also not.
-[laughter]

755
00:34:33,480 --> 00:34:36,780
My wife is in love with this
Timothée Chalamet son of a bitch.

756
00:34:36,990 --> 00:34:39,820
-He's like 21 years old.
-[laughter]

757
00:34:40,200 --> 00:34:43,950
It's a joke when she kids me about it,
but it's not a joke. And...

758
00:34:44,410 --> 00:34:46,660
I'm six feet tall.
That's like a big deal to me.

759
00:34:46,790 --> 00:34:49,670
I don't know why it's a big deal,
but I like that I'm six feet tall.

760
00:34:49,790 --> 00:34:52,840
We were coming back from dinner
the other night, my wife walks past me,

761
00:34:52,920 --> 00:34:54,920
she goes, "You know,
Timothée Chalamet's 6'1"."

762
00:34:55,000 --> 00:34:57,510
And I just internalized it.

763
00:34:57,590 --> 00:34:59,380
-[laughter]
-And then the next day,

764
00:34:59,470 --> 00:35:02,890
I looked it up online,
and it said he was 5'11".

765
00:35:03,510 --> 00:35:04,720
So I leave the garage...

766
00:35:04,810 --> 00:35:06,470
my office is in the garage...

767
00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:09,520
-and I go into the home, where she is.
-[laughter]

768
00:35:09,640 --> 00:35:12,860
And I go into her office,
and I go, "You know, he's 5'11"."

769
00:35:12,980 --> 00:35:14,770
She goes, "What?" I go, "The boy!"

770
00:35:14,900 --> 00:35:18,490
He's not 6'1", he's 5'11".

771
00:35:18,570 --> 00:35:20,700
She goes, "What the hell
are you talking about?"

772
00:35:20,820 --> 00:35:21,990
I said, "I'm six feet.

773
00:35:22,070 --> 00:35:24,410
-I'm taller than the boy."
-[laughter]

774
00:35:24,990 --> 00:35:28,160
"You said Timothée Chalamet was 6'1",
he's 5'11"."

775
00:35:28,250 --> 00:35:30,000
She goes, "I was fucking kidding."

776
00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:31,580
[laughter]

777
00:35:35,710 --> 00:35:37,960
My wife is very tough.
She's not sensitive.

778
00:35:38,170 --> 00:35:39,880
Sometimes I think
she's gonna be sensitive.

779
00:35:39,970 --> 00:35:43,640
I got a back X-ray done,
because I don't sit up straight,

780
00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:47,680
and in the X-ray,
they saw a shadow on my lung. Okay?

781
00:35:47,810 --> 00:35:50,246
Everything is fine, by the way,
but this was back in the fall,

782
00:35:50,270 --> 00:35:52,980
and I was on tour and I didn't want
to tell her over the phone,

783
00:35:53,060 --> 00:35:54,440
so I waited till I got home.

784
00:35:54,520 --> 00:35:56,600
And then I sat her down
when I got home that morning,

785
00:35:56,650 --> 00:35:58,860
and I said, "Hey, sit down,
I need to talk to you,

786
00:35:58,940 --> 00:35:59,990
and this is not a bit,"

787
00:36:00,070 --> 00:36:03,160
which is what I have to say
before I say anything serious to her.

788
00:36:03,240 --> 00:36:04,450
[laughter]

789
00:36:04,530 --> 00:36:06,160
I go, "This is not a bit.

790
00:36:06,410 --> 00:36:09,080
It's gonna sound scary,
but don't worry,

791
00:36:09,250 --> 00:36:10,830
everything's gonna be fine."

792
00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:15,420
I don't know if you were a male comedian
in the fall of 2017,

793
00:36:15,750 --> 00:36:18,750
or in the winter of 2018 currently,

794
00:36:19,210 --> 00:36:21,220
but sitting your wife down and saying,

795
00:36:21,300 --> 00:36:23,380
"I've gotta tell you something scary...

796
00:36:24,010 --> 00:36:26,970
but don't worry,
everything's gonna be fine,"

797
00:36:27,810 --> 00:36:30,020
-has different connotations.
-[laughter]

798
00:36:30,100 --> 00:36:31,850
My wife said, "What the hell did you do?"

799
00:36:31,930 --> 00:36:34,810
I said, "No, I might have lung cancer."
She said, "Oh, thank God."

800
00:36:34,900 --> 00:36:36,900
[laughter]

801
00:36:37,440 --> 00:36:38,730
This is a beautiful event.

802
00:36:38,860 --> 00:36:41,320
I'm really happy that Lauren and Seth
had me at this.

803
00:36:41,400 --> 00:36:42,950
It's great to give to charity.

804
00:36:43,070 --> 00:36:45,240
You gotta be careful about
who you give to, though,

805
00:36:45,360 --> 00:36:48,700
because sometimes you give to someone
that you think is deserving,

806
00:36:48,780 --> 00:36:50,886
and then there's someone else
who is equally deserving,

807
00:36:50,910 --> 00:36:52,580
and they totally get shafted.

808
00:36:52,660 --> 00:36:55,040
Like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

809
00:36:55,120 --> 00:36:57,130
[laughter]

810
00:36:58,420 --> 00:37:01,210
-What if I didn't explain what I meant?
-[laughter]

811
00:37:02,510 --> 00:37:06,140
"Like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
All right, goodnight everybody." No.

812
00:37:06,220 --> 00:37:07,890
[laughter]

813
00:37:08,010 --> 00:37:09,890
Remember, Charlie gets a golden ticket.

814
00:37:09,970 --> 00:37:13,100
He can take one person with him
to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory,

815
00:37:13,180 --> 00:37:16,940
and he says, "I know who I'll take.
I'll take Grandpa Joe."

816
00:37:17,150 --> 00:37:20,440
And Grandpa Joe says, "Really Charlie?
You're gonna take me?"

817
00:37:20,610 --> 00:37:22,530
And they go to Wonka's factory,

818
00:37:22,610 --> 00:37:24,320
and there's some shenanigans,

819
00:37:24,400 --> 00:37:26,450
but there's a lot of life lessons.

820
00:37:26,530 --> 00:37:29,280
And in the end,
they get the greatest gift of all,

821
00:37:29,530 --> 00:37:32,700
and it's a wonderful tale
of the human heart, isn't it?

822
00:37:32,950 --> 00:37:34,330
Well, guess what?

823
00:37:35,040 --> 00:37:37,790
Charlie has a whole other grandfather...

824
00:37:37,880 --> 00:37:38,880
[crowd chuckling]

825
00:37:38,920 --> 00:37:43,010
...and he doesn't give
that other grandfather jack shit.

826
00:37:43,090 --> 00:37:46,430
-[laughter]
-His name is Grandpa George,

827
00:37:46,720 --> 00:37:48,640
in case you've forgotten.

828
00:37:49,140 --> 00:37:50,510
It's Grandpa George,

829
00:37:50,600 --> 00:37:55,560
and he sleeps in the same bed
foot to foot with Grandpa Joe,

830
00:37:55,810 --> 00:37:57,730
and he looks like a turtle,

831
00:37:57,810 --> 00:38:00,610
and he doesn't have a line in the movie,

832
00:38:00,690 --> 00:38:04,070
and he doesn't get a goddamn thing.

833
00:38:04,150 --> 00:38:05,150
[laughter]

834
00:38:05,240 --> 00:38:09,530
Charlie Bucket waltzes in,
waving gold around.

835
00:38:10,030 --> 00:38:13,200
-He goes, "I know who I'll take."
-[laughter]

836
00:38:13,330 --> 00:38:15,870
And then he walks over to that
four-person nightmare

837
00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:18,870
-that is his grandparents' bed.
-[laughter]

838
00:38:19,380 --> 00:38:22,340
He walks over to that Mount Rushmore
of bedsores...

839
00:38:22,420 --> 00:38:24,840
[laughter]

840
00:38:25,920 --> 00:38:28,430
He goes, "I'm gonna take Grandpa Joe,"

841
00:38:28,510 --> 00:38:31,260
and he kind of gives the finger
to the other three grandparents.

842
00:38:32,140 --> 00:38:35,140
Now maybe you're thinking, "Hey,
Grandpa Joe, maybe he deserved to go."

843
00:38:35,220 --> 00:38:36,310
He had a tough life, right?

844
00:38:36,390 --> 00:38:39,270
'Cause remember Grandpa Joe says,
"I don't know if I can go, Charlie.

845
00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:42,400
-I haven't walked in 40 years."
-[crowd chuckling]

846
00:38:42,520 --> 00:38:44,780
"Wait, let me check."

847
00:38:44,860 --> 00:38:47,190
[laughter]

848
00:38:48,740 --> 00:38:51,910
Then he lifts the world's
worst-smelling duvet...

849
00:38:52,120 --> 00:38:54,120
[laughter]

850
00:38:54,410 --> 00:38:58,210
...and he gets out of bed,
and he can walk!

851
00:38:58,830 --> 00:39:01,380
-Fuck you.
-[laughter]

852
00:39:01,500 --> 00:39:03,500
You could walk this whole time?

853
00:39:03,630 --> 00:39:06,260
You walrus-mustached son of a bitch.

854
00:39:06,380 --> 00:39:09,470
-[laughter]
-You John Bolton-looking asshole.

855
00:39:10,430 --> 00:39:15,010
We've been supporting you
while my mother cooks laundry soap

856
00:39:15,140 --> 00:39:17,390
while singing "Cheer Up, Charlie,"

857
00:39:17,520 --> 00:39:19,810
-which is an awful song.
-[laughter]

858
00:39:20,140 --> 00:39:23,110
And we all fast-forward through it.

859
00:39:23,190 --> 00:39:24,610
[laughter]

860
00:39:24,730 --> 00:39:26,586
Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you very much!

861
00:39:26,610 --> 00:39:28,690
[cheers and applause]

862
00:39:34,160 --> 00:39:35,160
Now...

863
00:39:35,410 --> 00:39:40,410
a big category on the Netflix algorithm
is animation.

864
00:39:40,710 --> 00:39:44,960
And, in order to trick Netflix
into putting us in that genre,

865
00:39:45,090 --> 00:39:46,090
I needed some help.

866
00:39:46,590 --> 00:39:48,760
So, please enjoy this short film

867
00:39:48,880 --> 00:39:52,800
from Rick and Morty co-creator
Justin Roiland, everybody.

868
00:39:52,890 --> 00:39:54,510
[cheers and applause]

869
00:39:56,060 --> 00:39:57,770
Hey everybody, we're the Charity Brothers.

870
00:39:58,180 --> 00:40:00,060
-I'm Chair.
-And I'm Ity. [laughs]

871
00:40:00,140 --> 00:40:01,980
That's right. We love charity.

872
00:40:02,140 --> 00:40:05,110
We've been doing these charity events
as long as I can remember.

873
00:40:05,190 --> 00:40:08,780
But nothing big ever like this before.
This is the biggest one yet,

874
00:40:08,860 --> 00:40:12,700
thanks to Seth Rogen for spotting one
of our smaller charity event appearances,

875
00:40:12,780 --> 00:40:14,136
and he reached out to us after that.

876
00:40:14,160 --> 00:40:16,660
[stammers] Huge thanks to Seth Rogen

877
00:40:16,740 --> 00:40:20,160
for this opportunity to show
our charity chops on the big stage.

878
00:40:20,500 --> 00:40:22,476
You know, this is really gonna
make our lives better.

879
00:40:22,500 --> 00:40:25,540
It means a lot.
The Charity Brothers love you, Seth.

880
00:40:25,670 --> 00:40:28,460
You're responsible for everything
the Charity Brothers do from here.

881
00:40:28,550 --> 00:40:31,380
Okay, with that out of the way,
let's get this show on the road.

882
00:40:31,470 --> 00:40:32,470
Yeah. [laughs]

883
00:40:32,510 --> 00:40:35,510
Anyways, we may as well start with
the very same classic routine

884
00:40:35,590 --> 00:40:38,640
that caught Seth Rogen's attention
in the first place, right, Char?

885
00:40:38,720 --> 00:40:40,310
That sounds good to me, Ity.

886
00:40:40,430 --> 00:40:44,190
Without further ado, here's our short:
The Apple Stand Caper.

887
00:40:44,440 --> 00:40:46,270
All the way back from 1998.

888
00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:47,610
Roll the clip.

889
00:40:48,730 --> 00:40:50,110
[giggling in audience]

890
00:40:50,820 --> 00:40:53,610
-[both grunting]
-[audience laughing]

891
00:40:54,450 --> 00:40:55,280
Yeah, Ity.

892
00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:57,296
Bet you never thought your brother
could do this--

893
00:40:57,320 --> 00:40:59,306
Bet you never thought your brother
could do this before.

894
00:40:59,330 --> 00:41:02,000
Oh, show 'em--
Show 'em what an animal you are.

895
00:41:04,540 --> 00:41:06,540
[audience exclaiming]

896
00:41:06,670 --> 00:41:08,630
-Oh, Ity!
-[Ity groans]

897
00:41:08,750 --> 00:41:10,710
[audience groaning, chuckling]

898
00:41:11,050 --> 00:41:12,670
All right, I-- [stammers]

899
00:41:12,760 --> 00:41:15,930
I don't know what that was.
I've never seen that before.

900
00:41:16,010 --> 00:41:18,890
That was not The Apple Stand Caper
from 1998.

901
00:41:19,310 --> 00:41:20,390
I don't know what that was.

902
00:41:20,470 --> 00:41:22,826
I just have to say that's not--
I've never seen that video before.

903
00:41:22,850 --> 00:41:25,480
That's new video to me.
I've never seen that footage. Uh...

904
00:41:25,560 --> 00:41:28,270
And I want to be clear,
that is not something we would ever do.

905
00:41:28,860 --> 00:41:29,940
Um...

906
00:41:30,020 --> 00:41:31,836
I-- I'm at a loss for words,
to tell the truth.

907
00:41:31,860 --> 00:41:33,740
It might've been some kind of CGI
or something.

908
00:41:33,820 --> 00:41:34,950
-I have no clue.
-Yeah.

909
00:41:35,030 --> 00:41:37,506
Absolutely. I was just gonna say--
I was literally gonna say that.

910
00:41:37,530 --> 00:41:41,370
Because computers these days,
you can make anything look real.

911
00:41:41,450 --> 00:41:43,790
Anything fake can look real
with computers.

912
00:41:43,910 --> 00:41:47,080
-[audience chuckling]
-And, uh, I think that's a wrap.

913
00:41:47,500 --> 00:41:50,880
Uh, please donate. It's a good cause.

914
00:41:51,590 --> 00:41:53,670
Special thanks again to Seth Rogen.

915
00:41:55,840 --> 00:41:57,640
[applause]

916
00:42:01,180 --> 00:42:04,850
[Seth chuckling, laughing]

917
00:42:07,980 --> 00:42:08,980
Oh...

918
00:42:10,310 --> 00:42:13,440
-That makes me happy. That just...
-[laughter]

919
00:42:15,110 --> 00:42:18,410
All right, um, I'm really, really excited
for our next comedian.

920
00:42:18,490 --> 00:42:21,660
She plays at clubs and colleges
all over the country.

921
00:42:22,030 --> 00:42:25,160
Please give it up for Sarah Silverman.

922
00:42:25,250 --> 00:42:28,040
-[cheers and applause]
-[band plays upbeat intro]

923
00:42:33,630 --> 00:42:37,470
Hi, everybody.

924
00:42:37,930 --> 00:42:40,220
-[scattered cheering]
-Um, that's enough.

925
00:42:40,640 --> 00:42:42,010
-[laughter]
-[chuckles]

926
00:42:43,600 --> 00:42:44,600
[sighs]

927
00:42:45,100 --> 00:42:47,140
God, I'm really gonna do it, you guys.

928
00:42:48,270 --> 00:42:50,350
I'm really gonna have no kids.

929
00:42:50,730 --> 00:42:53,070
-[crowd chuckling]
-I can't believe it.

930
00:42:54,530 --> 00:42:56,280
I'm baby crazy.

931
00:42:56,440 --> 00:42:58,280
That's what's insane about it.

932
00:42:58,990 --> 00:43:00,160
I love kids.

933
00:43:00,280 --> 00:43:02,200
I love kids.

934
00:43:03,410 --> 00:43:05,870
The only thing I love more than kids

935
00:43:06,120 --> 00:43:09,160
is doing anything I want at all times.

936
00:43:09,250 --> 00:43:11,080
[laughter]

937
00:43:11,170 --> 00:43:13,170
[cheers and applause]

938
00:43:14,460 --> 00:43:16,010
But kids are great.

939
00:43:16,210 --> 00:43:19,930
I bet your kids are a great measurement
of time, right?

940
00:43:20,090 --> 00:43:23,640
Like, you can go, like,
"Let's see, that was when Billy was four,

941
00:43:23,720 --> 00:43:25,850
so that was '98, 1998."

942
00:43:26,060 --> 00:43:28,520
-[crowd chuckling]
-That's so great to have that.

943
00:43:29,310 --> 00:43:30,980
When you don't have kids...

944
00:43:31,230 --> 00:43:32,980
all you have is 9/11.

945
00:43:33,270 --> 00:43:34,820
[laughter]

946
00:43:34,940 --> 00:43:37,150
It puts such a malaise...

947
00:43:38,360 --> 00:43:40,650
over just everything you try to recall.

948
00:43:42,490 --> 00:43:44,330
I did mu--
The first time I did mushrooms,

949
00:43:44,410 --> 00:43:46,790
I went to the top
of the World Trade Center. That's true.

950
00:43:46,870 --> 00:43:47,910
-Um...
-[laughter]

951
00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:50,290
Where the World Trade Center was

952
00:43:50,370 --> 00:43:53,420
is now a gorgeous building,
the Freedom Tower,

953
00:43:53,920 --> 00:43:56,300
and it's-it's gorgeous, and it's, um...

954
00:43:56,420 --> 00:44:00,340
And there was kind of like a weird thing
where people were angry

955
00:44:00,420 --> 00:44:03,180
because they wanted to put
a memorabilia store

956
00:44:03,260 --> 00:44:05,140
in the lobby of the Freedom Tower

957
00:44:05,300 --> 00:44:08,020
and people thought that was
maybe not tasteful.

958
00:44:08,180 --> 00:44:09,680
And, uh...

959
00:44:10,140 --> 00:44:11,480
You know, I think it's important.

960
00:44:11,560 --> 00:44:14,190
I think that unless you have a mug...

961
00:44:14,940 --> 00:44:17,900
-how are you gonna remember 9/11?
-[crowd chuckling]

962
00:44:18,360 --> 00:44:21,860
Before they put a gift store
in the Holocaust Museum,

963
00:44:21,950 --> 00:44:24,870
my nana would have to
tie a string around her finger.

964
00:44:24,950 --> 00:44:26,030
[crowd chuckles]

965
00:44:26,120 --> 00:44:29,120
And that would be just
to remember to look at her arm.

966
00:44:29,330 --> 00:44:30,830
[crowd groans]

967
00:44:30,910 --> 00:44:32,790
Oh, my God. Too soon?

968
00:44:32,870 --> 00:44:34,880
I just did a thousand 9/11 jokes.

969
00:44:34,960 --> 00:44:35,830
[laughter]

970
00:44:35,920 --> 00:44:37,290
Good Lord.

971
00:44:38,420 --> 00:44:39,590
Never forget.

972
00:44:39,760 --> 00:44:41,670
I shouldn't say that tonight. Sorry.

973
00:44:41,920 --> 00:44:43,800
-I can make Alzheimer jokes.
-[crowd groaning]

974
00:44:43,880 --> 00:44:45,550
-No. It's okay. I...
-[laughter]

975
00:44:47,300 --> 00:44:49,600
Trust me, I can do that. I saw, um...

976
00:44:50,930 --> 00:44:52,690
I saw Still Alice. Okay.

977
00:44:52,770 --> 00:44:53,850
[laughter]

978
00:44:54,440 --> 00:44:57,820
The last time I had sex,
after the sex, we were like,

979
00:44:57,900 --> 00:45:00,650
you know how you're just kind of
splayed out on the bed?

980
00:45:00,940 --> 00:45:03,320
And my dog jumps on the bed,

981
00:45:03,450 --> 00:45:05,910
uh, looking to, I believe,

982
00:45:06,490 --> 00:45:10,080
ingest all the post-coital detritus.

983
00:45:10,160 --> 00:45:11,830
[audience groans, chuckles]

984
00:45:13,040 --> 00:45:17,130
And I usually don't like to use big words,
'cause I think it's elitist, but...

985
00:45:17,210 --> 00:45:20,300
I feel like it's a good move
in this case, 'cause it...

986
00:45:20,420 --> 00:45:21,510
[laughter]

987
00:45:21,590 --> 00:45:24,130
...makes the brow of the joke higher.

988
00:45:24,510 --> 00:45:28,180
She wanted to lick up
all our post-coital detritus,

989
00:45:28,510 --> 00:45:31,220
and I didn't... I'm not a monster...
I didn't let her.

990
00:45:31,310 --> 00:45:33,730
I know you think I'm an animal, probably,

991
00:45:33,810 --> 00:45:37,900
but, no, I do know the difference
between right and wrong. Um...

992
00:45:37,980 --> 00:45:39,980
[crowd chuckling]

993
00:45:40,270 --> 00:45:45,570
I don't know that I could articulate
exactly why that would be wrong.

994
00:45:46,070 --> 00:45:48,070
Um, but I know that it's...

995
00:45:48,200 --> 00:45:51,790
I guess, just 'cause it's gross
to let your dog do that. Um...

996
00:45:51,870 --> 00:45:53,660
I don't know if it's ethically wrong.

997
00:45:53,750 --> 00:45:56,620
-I'm not gonna die on that hill, but...
-[crowd chuckling]

998
00:45:57,170 --> 00:45:59,840
I guess the worst thing that could happen
is if I'm walking her,

999
00:45:59,920 --> 00:46:03,420
she might vomit up cum and coconut oil.

1000
00:46:03,630 --> 00:46:05,260
It'd be hard to explain.

1001
00:46:05,380 --> 00:46:06,720
[crowd chuckling]

1002
00:46:06,880 --> 00:46:10,050
But not impossible to explain. I mean...

1003
00:46:10,430 --> 00:46:13,850
I would just be like,
"Oh, God, gross. Um...

1004
00:46:13,970 --> 00:46:18,480
I let her lick up the leavings
of my sexual encounter,

1005
00:46:18,560 --> 00:46:20,980
and it must not have sit well with her.

1006
00:46:21,060 --> 00:46:23,070
I'm not gonna do that again."

1007
00:46:23,150 --> 00:46:24,570
[laughter]

1008
00:46:25,900 --> 00:46:27,780
Kanye West took me to lunch.

1009
00:46:27,910 --> 00:46:30,160
-[laughter]
-That needs no segue.

1010
00:46:31,200 --> 00:46:34,290
That's true. He took me to lunch once,
and it was very exciting.

1011
00:46:34,370 --> 00:46:35,790
I barely heard a thing he said,

1012
00:46:35,870 --> 00:46:40,290
because I was just feeling people
seeing me out to lunch with Kanye West.

1013
00:46:40,880 --> 00:46:44,130
We didn't have a lot in common,
but we also do have a lot in common.

1014
00:46:44,210 --> 00:46:47,420
Like, we both use our Notes app
on our iPhone.

1015
00:46:47,510 --> 00:46:50,840
You know, him for, like,
ideas for for lyrics,

1016
00:46:50,930 --> 00:46:52,260
and me for ideas for jokes,

1017
00:46:52,350 --> 00:46:54,970
and so we went like one for one

1018
00:46:55,180 --> 00:46:57,060
and he was like, um...

1019
00:46:57,430 --> 00:47:00,520
"Weak is a description,
weed is a prescription."

1020
00:47:00,650 --> 00:47:03,940
And I was like, "Whoa." And...
I was so impressed.

1021
00:47:04,020 --> 00:47:06,150
Then it was my turn, and I was like, um...

1022
00:47:06,240 --> 00:47:10,030
-"My grandma gets really heavy periods."
-[laughter]

1023
00:47:10,160 --> 00:47:12,950
Support Alzheimer's research everybody.
Goodnight.

1024
00:47:13,030 --> 00:47:16,040
[cheers and applause]

1025
00:47:23,090 --> 00:47:24,880
All right, please,

1026
00:47:24,960 --> 00:47:28,470
everyone welcome my wonderful wife,
Lauren.

1027
00:47:28,550 --> 00:47:31,390
-[cheers and applause]
-[upbeat music playing]

1028
00:47:38,730 --> 00:47:39,730
Hi.

1029
00:47:40,810 --> 00:47:41,650
Hi.

1030
00:47:41,730 --> 00:47:42,980
[cheers and applause]

1031
00:47:45,230 --> 00:47:49,650
Thank you so much for being here tonight
and supporting Hilarity for Charity.

1032
00:47:50,820 --> 00:47:52,450
The day of my college graduation,

1033
00:47:52,530 --> 00:47:55,240
I noticed that my mom, Adele,
was repeating herself,

1034
00:47:55,330 --> 00:47:58,000
telling the same story
over and over again.

1035
00:47:58,580 --> 00:48:02,250
Over the next few years,
that repetition was joined by confusion,

1036
00:48:02,620 --> 00:48:06,630
while doing simple tasks,
like reading recipes, making plans.

1037
00:48:07,000 --> 00:48:10,840
Eventually, when she was 55 and I was 25,

1038
00:48:11,050 --> 00:48:12,970
she was diagnosed
with Alzheimer's disease.

1039
00:48:14,180 --> 00:48:16,970
It was devastating to her, to our family,

1040
00:48:17,060 --> 00:48:19,140
and to so many friends that had known her

1041
00:48:19,220 --> 00:48:23,100
as the smart, beautiful, and engaged woman
that she always was.

1042
00:48:24,020 --> 00:48:26,020
She'd been a teacher for 35 years,

1043
00:48:26,110 --> 00:48:29,940
she used her mind every day,
and dedicated herself completely

1044
00:48:30,030 --> 00:48:33,410
to the friends and family that she loved
so very much.

1045
00:48:34,160 --> 00:48:37,160
Over the 13 years that me and Lauren
have been together,

1046
00:48:37,240 --> 00:48:40,950
they've been great,
but I watched her mom unfortunately

1047
00:48:41,040 --> 00:48:45,290
forget how to walk, how to talk,
how to eat on her own,

1048
00:48:45,380 --> 00:48:46,880
how to care for herself.

1049
00:48:46,960 --> 00:48:50,420
The effect on Lauren during this time
was brutal.

1050
00:48:50,510 --> 00:48:53,430
If you Google Alzheimer's,
the first thing you see

1051
00:48:53,510 --> 00:48:55,220
is that there is no treatment,

1052
00:48:55,300 --> 00:48:57,180
and that there is no known cure,

1053
00:48:57,260 --> 00:48:59,600
which is obviously pretty upsetting.

1054
00:48:59,680 --> 00:49:04,060
So we did the only thing we knew how to do
as comedy writers.

1055
00:49:04,140 --> 00:49:06,690
We gathered some friends together
to host a show

1056
00:49:06,770 --> 00:49:09,690
-called Hilarity for Charity.
-[cheers and applause]

1057
00:49:10,280 --> 00:49:12,740
And in those six years,
Hilarity for Charity has developed

1058
00:49:12,820 --> 00:49:14,360
into a pretty special organization.

1059
00:49:15,410 --> 00:49:16,660
We've raised awareness

1060
00:49:16,740 --> 00:49:19,330
and engaged with young people
across the country.

1061
00:49:19,410 --> 00:49:20,870
We've hosted support groups

1062
00:49:20,950 --> 00:49:24,370
for those with parents or spouses
affected by the disease.

1063
00:49:24,540 --> 00:49:27,420
We've established a national
home-care grant program,

1064
00:49:27,500 --> 00:49:30,000
and begun work on some
really important research

1065
00:49:30,090 --> 00:49:32,130
into brain health and prevention.

1066
00:49:32,630 --> 00:49:34,050
Before seeing Lauren's mom,

1067
00:49:34,130 --> 00:49:36,430
I didn't realize that caring for someone
with Alzheimer's

1068
00:49:36,550 --> 00:49:39,640
is a 24 hour a day,
seven day a week thing.

1069
00:49:39,720 --> 00:49:41,600
The toll it was taking on Lauren's dad

1070
00:49:41,680 --> 00:49:44,770
honestly made us worry we were
gonna lose him before her mom.

1071
00:49:45,140 --> 00:49:47,480
Luckily, our family is fortunate

1072
00:49:47,560 --> 00:49:50,150
in that we can afford
to keep my mother-in-law at home

1073
00:49:50,230 --> 00:49:51,650
with wonderful caretakers.

1074
00:49:51,730 --> 00:49:55,110
But, unfortunately, many people
are not in that position.

1075
00:49:55,740 --> 00:49:59,660
So, through our experience in working
with my mom's amazing caregivers,

1076
00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:03,540
we decided to form a partnership
with a national home-care agency,

1077
00:50:03,620 --> 00:50:05,000
Home Instead Senior Care,

1078
00:50:05,080 --> 00:50:07,580
to support people that need
a little extra help.

1079
00:50:07,790 --> 00:50:10,040
In the past three years,
Hilarity for Charity

1080
00:50:10,210 --> 00:50:14,340
has already given away over 200,000 hours
of free at-home care.

1081
00:50:14,420 --> 00:50:17,090
[cheers and applause]

1082
00:50:17,220 --> 00:50:19,510
One of the best parts of this charity

1083
00:50:19,590 --> 00:50:21,640
is sometimes we call the families

1084
00:50:21,720 --> 00:50:23,930
to tell them that
they got one of our grants.

1085
00:50:24,020 --> 00:50:25,560
-Hello?
-Hi, Mary.

1086
00:50:25,680 --> 00:50:28,730
This is Lauren Miller Rogen,
calling from Hilarity for Charity.

1087
00:50:30,270 --> 00:50:31,520
[Lauren and Seth chuckle]

1088
00:50:31,610 --> 00:50:32,770
I'm doing well.

1089
00:50:32,860 --> 00:50:35,150
-Um, I'm here with my husband, Seth...
-Hi.

1090
00:50:35,490 --> 00:50:37,320
[Lauren] ...and we'd love to...

1091
00:50:37,610 --> 00:50:41,780
award you 15 hours a week of care
for a full year.

1092
00:50:41,870 --> 00:50:43,040
[gasps]

1093
00:51:06,640 --> 00:51:08,640
[all laughing]

1094
00:51:09,690 --> 00:51:10,690
[Lauren] Okay, bye.

1095
00:51:11,440 --> 00:51:13,440
[cheers and applause]

1096
00:51:13,520 --> 00:51:15,570
There are currently
more than five million people

1097
00:51:15,650 --> 00:51:17,650
living with Alzheimer's disease
in America.

1098
00:51:17,740 --> 00:51:20,820
Globally, an estimated 47 million people

1099
00:51:20,910 --> 00:51:22,870
are living with Alzheimer's
or a related dementia.

1100
00:51:23,370 --> 00:51:26,160
These numbers are growing rapidly,
and as they do,

1101
00:51:26,240 --> 00:51:27,750
the cost of care will skyrocket.

1102
00:51:28,120 --> 00:51:32,380
In fact, Alzheimer's is considered to be
the costliest disease in America.

1103
00:51:32,630 --> 00:51:34,500
And that's why we need your money.

1104
00:51:34,590 --> 00:51:38,090
So if you can afford it,
or if you know someone who can afford it,

1105
00:51:38,170 --> 00:51:40,220
and you want to send this URL to them,

1106
00:51:40,300 --> 00:51:42,930
please donate
and help us fight this disease.

1107
00:51:43,010 --> 00:51:44,550
No donation is too small.

1108
00:51:44,640 --> 00:51:46,890
Even five dollars, ten dollars, will help.

1109
00:51:47,020 --> 00:51:49,350
You can send us any amount of money,
and we will take it.

1110
00:51:49,430 --> 00:51:53,860
Now, to be honest, this stuff
is like a giant massive bummer,

1111
00:51:54,150 --> 00:51:56,270
um, and this is a comedy show.

1112
00:51:56,360 --> 00:51:57,900
And for a really long time,

1113
00:51:58,030 --> 00:52:01,280
we had a hard time
reconciling those things.

1114
00:52:01,360 --> 00:52:04,450
Like, we didn't want to talk about
how sad it all is.

1115
00:52:04,530 --> 00:52:08,830
But over the years, what we realized
is that we need to talk about that,

1116
00:52:08,910 --> 00:52:12,290
because a lot of people
have sadness in their lives

1117
00:52:12,370 --> 00:52:15,340
and they have shame about it,
like it shouldn't be there.

1118
00:52:15,420 --> 00:52:17,840
And through hearing other people
talk about it,

1119
00:52:18,090 --> 00:52:20,380
sometimes they feel a little bit better.

1120
00:52:20,840 --> 00:52:23,470
And if we never talked about
how sad we were,

1121
00:52:23,550 --> 00:52:25,680
our friends wouldn't have known
that we needed help,

1122
00:52:25,760 --> 00:52:27,970
and they wouldn't have helped us
start this charity.

1123
00:52:28,060 --> 00:52:33,730
And with the charity came music
and jokes and food and new friends,

1124
00:52:33,810 --> 00:52:37,230
new friends whose specialty
is cheering people up.

1125
00:52:37,820 --> 00:52:39,860
-Hi-ho, everyone.
-Whoo.

1126
00:52:39,940 --> 00:52:41,190
-Yeah.
-[cheers and applause]

1127
00:52:42,320 --> 00:52:44,450
Hey, Seth, hey, Lauren. Hey, everybody.

1128
00:52:44,530 --> 00:52:45,370
Hey, Kermit.

1129
00:52:45,450 --> 00:52:48,200
You know what really cheers me up
when I am sad

1130
00:52:48,290 --> 00:52:50,040
and makes me feel like I'm not alone?

1131
00:52:50,290 --> 00:52:52,000
-What?
-A sing-along.

1132
00:52:52,080 --> 00:52:53,540
-[Seth] Aww.
-That's right.

1133
00:52:53,710 --> 00:52:56,420
So, everybody out there,
even you at home,

1134
00:52:56,540 --> 00:52:59,960
sing along with me and remember
you're not alone out there.

1135
00:53:00,090 --> 00:53:01,800
[band plays cheery melody]

1136
00:53:01,920 --> 00:53:02,920
Everyone sing along.

1137
00:53:03,010 --> 00:53:04,890
Yeah, please.
The words are gonna be up here.

1138
00:54:57,210 --> 00:55:00,210
[cheers and applause]

1139
00:55:00,290 --> 00:55:01,290
Yeah!

1140
00:55:01,710 --> 00:55:04,170
-All right!
-Kermit the Frog, everybody.

1141
00:55:04,250 --> 00:55:05,420
Thank you, Seth.

1142
00:55:05,510 --> 00:55:07,840
Thank you so much, Kermit.
A real pleasure.

1143
00:55:07,970 --> 00:55:09,720
-Thank you, Lauren.
-Thank you, sir.

1144
00:55:10,090 --> 00:55:11,930
Give it up for Kermit, everybody.

1145
00:55:12,010 --> 00:55:13,010
It's just crazy.

1146
00:55:13,100 --> 00:55:15,100
[cheers and applause]

1147
00:55:16,180 --> 00:55:17,390
All right.

1148
00:55:18,480 --> 00:55:21,770
Your last comedian of the evening

1149
00:55:21,860 --> 00:55:26,070
performs at clubs and colleges
all over the country.

1150
00:55:26,150 --> 00:55:29,200
Please give it up for Tiffany Haddish.

1151
00:55:29,280 --> 00:55:31,950
-[cheers and applause]
-[band plays upbeat intro]

1152
00:55:43,380 --> 00:55:44,880
Oh, shoot.

1153
00:55:45,500 --> 00:55:46,780
♪ What it do over there, band? ♪

1154
00:55:46,840 --> 00:55:48,590
♪ What it do
What it do over there, band? ♪

1155
00:55:48,670 --> 00:55:50,430
♪ Hey! What it do over there, band? ♪

1156
00:55:50,510 --> 00:55:52,260
♪ What it do
What it do over there, band? ♪

1157
00:55:52,390 --> 00:55:53,890
♪ I see my friend, I see my friend ♪

1158
00:55:53,970 --> 00:55:56,060
♪ I see my friend, I see my friend ♪

1159
00:55:56,180 --> 00:55:58,020
♪ Give it up for the band again ♪

1160
00:55:58,100 --> 00:56:00,270
♪ Give it up for the band again
Hey! ♪

1161
00:56:00,350 --> 00:56:02,350
-[crowd cheering]
-[band continues playing]

1162
00:56:04,310 --> 00:56:05,400
Okay.

1163
00:56:06,980 --> 00:56:08,990
-[music ends]
-What's up, y'all?

1164
00:56:09,070 --> 00:56:11,400
[cheers and applause]

1165
00:56:11,740 --> 00:56:13,990
I am so happy to be here tonight.

1166
00:56:14,240 --> 00:56:17,160
I have always wanted to perform here
at the Palladium.

1167
00:56:17,410 --> 00:56:19,200
This is where the Crips started.

1168
00:56:19,330 --> 00:56:21,210
-And...
-[laughter]

1169
00:56:21,290 --> 00:56:23,710
...to be a part of history's amazing.

1170
00:56:23,880 --> 00:56:26,840
The first time that the Crips
ever got in the newspaper

1171
00:56:26,920 --> 00:56:28,920
was right here in front of the Palladium

1172
00:56:29,420 --> 00:56:31,130
after a show for James Brown.

1173
00:56:31,220 --> 00:56:33,090
So, I feel like I made it.

1174
00:56:33,180 --> 00:56:34,930
-[imitates James Brown] Hey!
-[cheering]

1175
00:56:36,810 --> 00:56:39,390
That was for black people.
Sorry, white people. Anyways.

1176
00:56:39,470 --> 00:56:41,480
[laughter]

1177
00:56:41,640 --> 00:56:43,310
I'm so happy to be here too,

1178
00:56:43,400 --> 00:56:45,610
because I smell nothing but money
in the room.

1179
00:56:45,730 --> 00:56:47,360
It smells like success in here.

1180
00:56:47,610 --> 00:56:49,900
-[laughter]
-And that's making me moist.

1181
00:56:49,980 --> 00:56:51,820
[laughter continues]

1182
00:56:52,030 --> 00:56:53,700
I feel like I'm at the Oscars,

1183
00:56:53,780 --> 00:56:56,200
except I don't recognize
any of your faces.

1184
00:56:56,280 --> 00:56:58,280
[laughter]

1185
00:56:59,620 --> 00:57:01,160
So, this is awesome.

1186
00:57:01,250 --> 00:57:04,620
I knew there was other rich people
besides the ones I see on TV.

1187
00:57:05,290 --> 00:57:06,790
[laughter]

1188
00:57:07,630 --> 00:57:08,750
Hello, sir.

1189
00:57:09,840 --> 00:57:11,880
I like you, 'cause you look older.

1190
00:57:12,050 --> 00:57:13,430
[laughter]

1191
00:57:13,880 --> 00:57:16,680
It look like if we dated,
I wouldn't have to do that much work.

1192
00:57:16,760 --> 00:57:18,850
[laughter]

1193
00:57:18,930 --> 00:57:21,470
I'd just come in the room,
dance for you a little bit...

1194
00:57:21,560 --> 00:57:23,690
You'd be like, "Go Tiffany, go Tiffany."

1195
00:57:23,770 --> 00:57:26,190
-[loud snoring]
-[laughter]

1196
00:57:26,310 --> 00:57:27,610
And then I'd get your wallet,

1197
00:57:27,690 --> 00:57:30,020
and get enough money
to get my nails and hair done.

1198
00:57:30,110 --> 00:57:32,360
-[laughter]
-It'd be a good relationship.

1199
00:57:34,740 --> 00:57:36,360
I'm glad you lifted that camera up,

1200
00:57:36,450 --> 00:57:39,200
'cause I felt like you was looking
at my pussy the whole time.

1201
00:57:39,280 --> 00:57:40,660
[laughter]

1202
00:57:40,740 --> 00:57:43,500
And I was gonna give it to you,
like, "Come on now.

1203
00:57:43,910 --> 00:57:46,580
Let's see if I can get me a good,
rich man. Hey!"

1204
00:57:46,670 --> 00:57:48,420
[laughter]

1205
00:57:48,670 --> 00:57:50,000
I am so excited.

1206
00:57:50,130 --> 00:57:53,630
This year already has been the best year
of my entire existence.

1207
00:57:53,720 --> 00:57:55,050
I've been on this planet...

1208
00:57:55,130 --> 00:57:56,930
-[crowd cheering]
-...for quite some time,

1209
00:57:57,010 --> 00:57:58,730
and it's been the best year
of my existence.

1210
00:57:58,800 --> 00:58:00,100
I got to go to the Oscars.

1211
00:58:00,180 --> 00:58:01,260
I got to present,

1212
00:58:01,350 --> 00:58:03,730
and then I got to go
to some afterparties, right?

1213
00:58:03,810 --> 00:58:05,980
And I got to go to the Vanity Fair party.

1214
00:58:06,060 --> 00:58:07,770
I thought was gonna have to show my ID,

1215
00:58:07,850 --> 00:58:09,900
but turns out they knew
who I was already.

1216
00:58:09,980 --> 00:58:12,320
I was like,
"Is there a wanted picture for me?"

1217
00:58:12,400 --> 00:58:13,740
-And, um...
-[laughter]

1218
00:58:13,820 --> 00:58:15,860
Then I got to go, uh, to...

1219
00:58:16,400 --> 00:58:19,370
Beyoncé's and Jay-Z's party,
which, I know people are surprised--

1220
00:58:19,450 --> 00:58:23,290
Yes, I got invited
to the Gold party, bitch. I made it.

1221
00:58:23,620 --> 00:58:25,330
-[cheers and applause]
-Right?

1222
00:58:25,410 --> 00:58:27,120
Now, for you that don't know,

1223
00:58:27,210 --> 00:58:30,750
Beyoncé had came out with a song
just a few days before the Oscars,

1224
00:58:30,880 --> 00:58:33,300
and it's called "Top Off."
And in the song she says:

1225
00:58:33,380 --> 00:58:34,960
♪ If you want to party with the Queen ♪

1226
00:58:35,050 --> 00:58:37,760
♪ You gotta sign a non-disclosure
Tiffany ♪

1227
00:58:37,840 --> 00:58:40,180
And I was like, "I made it.
I made it. I'm famous.

1228
00:58:40,260 --> 00:58:42,560
I'm in a Beyoncé song." So...
[blows raspberry]

1229
00:58:42,640 --> 00:58:44,640
-Um...
-[laughter]

1230
00:58:44,720 --> 00:58:46,350
Forget all the little awards that I won,

1231
00:58:46,430 --> 00:58:48,650
or being in a movie that made
over 100 million dollars.

1232
00:58:48,730 --> 00:58:51,020
-That to me... I didn't make it.
-[crowd cheering]

1233
00:58:51,440 --> 00:58:54,940
Being in a Beyoncé song, I made it.
People like, "She throwing shade?"

1234
00:58:55,030 --> 00:58:57,256
I was like, "No, she's letting me know
she wanna hang out with me.

1235
00:58:57,280 --> 00:59:00,570
-I just gotta sign some paperwork."
-[laughter]

1236
00:59:00,740 --> 00:59:03,950
It's just like getting a county check.
You gotta get qualified.

1237
00:59:04,160 --> 00:59:06,160
-So...
-[laughter]

1238
00:59:06,660 --> 00:59:09,620
Y'all don't know about county checks,
but people watching will know.

1239
00:59:09,750 --> 00:59:11,920
-So...
-[laughter]

1240
00:59:12,340 --> 00:59:16,260
So, I go to the party, right?
Soon as I get there, I walk in,

1241
00:59:16,340 --> 00:59:19,970
I know that she said in the song that
she want me to sign a non-disclosure,

1242
00:59:20,050 --> 00:59:22,760
so I walked immediately up
to the DJ booth

1243
00:59:22,850 --> 00:59:24,390
and people see me, and they's waving.

1244
00:59:24,470 --> 00:59:26,680
And I'm like, "Mmm-mmm.
I got business to take care of.

1245
00:59:26,770 --> 00:59:27,770
Let me get in line."

1246
00:59:27,810 --> 00:59:30,020
And so, I talked to the DJ.
It's DJ Kid Capri.

1247
00:59:30,140 --> 00:59:33,400
And I'm like, "Yo, DJ." He's like,
"Yo, Tiffany, I'm so happy to see you."

1248
00:59:33,520 --> 00:59:36,150
I'm like, "Yeah, happy to see you too.
But look here... um...

1249
00:59:36,230 --> 00:59:37,586
I need you to get on the microphone

1250
00:59:37,610 --> 00:59:39,860
and tell Beyoncé that Tiffany Haddish
is in the building,

1251
00:59:39,950 --> 00:59:42,870
and I'm ready to sign that NDA.
Yeah, that non-disclosure form.

1252
00:59:42,950 --> 00:59:44,700
Because I'm ready to party."

1253
00:59:44,830 --> 00:59:46,830
[laughter]

1254
00:59:46,950 --> 00:59:48,250
He gets on the microphone:

1255
00:59:48,410 --> 00:59:51,580
"Beyoncé, Beyoncé, Tiffany Haddish
is in the building,

1256
00:59:51,670 --> 00:59:54,090
and she ready to sign
that non-disclosure form,

1257
00:59:54,210 --> 00:59:56,670
because she's ready to party."

1258
00:59:56,750 --> 00:59:59,066
Everybody laughing, and I jump out
to the middle of the floor.

1259
00:59:59,090 --> 01:00:00,760
I do the "Nae Nae" for like 30 seconds,

1260
01:00:00,840 --> 01:00:03,800
Beyoncé come up to me,
and that's all I can say about the party.

1261
01:00:03,890 --> 01:00:06,760
[cheers and applause]

1262
01:00:09,930 --> 01:00:12,020
Well, I feel good about
what I did here tonight.

1263
01:00:12,100 --> 01:00:16,110
I hope you all donated as much money
as you possibly can.

1264
01:00:16,190 --> 01:00:17,690
[cheers and applause]

1265
01:00:18,400 --> 01:00:19,400
Bye.

1266
01:00:20,280 --> 01:00:22,700
[crowd continues cheering]

1267
01:00:24,280 --> 01:00:25,280
Thank you.

1268
01:00:26,370 --> 01:00:30,120
-Tiffany Haddish, everybody.
-[applause continues]

1269
01:00:30,660 --> 01:00:32,790
Wow. Okay. Now...

1270
01:00:33,210 --> 01:00:36,670
I'm getting word that we are
very, very close to having included

1271
01:00:36,750 --> 01:00:39,460
every single element we need in this show

1272
01:00:39,550 --> 01:00:43,800
to show up in every single category
of the Netflix algorithm,

1273
01:00:44,010 --> 01:00:45,430
with one exception.

1274
01:00:45,510 --> 01:00:50,560
So, to tie up all the loose ends
and make sure we got everything,

1275
01:00:50,640 --> 01:00:55,190
I'd like to introduce, from every single
food documentary on Netflix,

1276
01:00:55,270 --> 01:00:59,230
-here's David Chang, everybody. [laughs]
-[cheers and applause]

1277
01:00:59,320 --> 01:01:02,030
All right, David Chang.

1278
01:01:02,280 --> 01:01:03,530
Cool, thanks, man.

1279
01:01:03,610 --> 01:01:05,570
Cool to have you. Uh, thank you so much.

1280
01:01:05,660 --> 01:01:07,160
Great, dude.Thank you.

1281
01:01:07,370 --> 01:01:09,830
Really? That's it?
This is all I'm here for?

1282
01:01:09,990 --> 01:01:12,210
-Sure is, man. That's it. Yeah.
-[crowd cheering]

1283
01:01:12,330 --> 01:01:15,420
-Should I cook something?
-No, that's cool. That's cool.

1284
01:01:15,540 --> 01:01:16,420
Are you sure?

1285
01:01:16,500 --> 01:01:19,300
I'd be happy to literally cook a meal
for everyone here tonight.

1286
01:01:19,710 --> 01:01:21,960
-Who here would like that?
-[cheers and applause]

1287
01:01:22,050 --> 01:01:26,090
-They're placating you. Just go, man. Go.
-All right, man. Thanks.

1288
01:01:26,220 --> 01:01:28,390
Thank you. Good to see you.
David Chang, everybody.

1289
01:01:28,470 --> 01:01:29,470
Jesus.

1290
01:01:29,890 --> 01:01:32,770
Guy's always trying to fucking cook
for people. It's like, we get it.

1291
01:01:32,850 --> 01:01:35,100
-[laughter]
-Anyway...

1292
01:01:35,520 --> 01:01:36,600
with that...

1293
01:01:37,020 --> 01:01:38,610
we did it, everybody.

1294
01:01:38,690 --> 01:01:40,780
-We beat the algorithm!
-[audience cheering]

1295
01:01:40,860 --> 01:01:43,820
-We did it! We did it!
-[band plays dramatic flourish]

1296
01:01:43,900 --> 01:01:45,110
-Yes!
-[music stops]

1297
01:01:47,070 --> 01:01:48,070
What's happening?

1298
01:01:48,740 --> 01:01:52,080
[man] What are you doing? Seth?
You're really messing up.

1299
01:01:52,200 --> 01:01:54,040
[Seth] Who is that? What is that?

1300
01:01:54,210 --> 01:01:57,540
[cheers and applause]

1301
01:01:58,580 --> 01:01:59,500
Jeff Goldblum?

1302
01:01:59,590 --> 01:02:02,840
-You're blowing it, man. Blowing it. No.
-Jeff Goldblum.

1303
01:02:02,920 --> 01:02:04,720
No, Seth. I'm not Jeff Goldblum.

1304
01:02:04,840 --> 01:02:07,430
-I'm the Netflix algorithm.
-[laughter]

1305
01:02:07,510 --> 01:02:09,890
So, the Netflix algorithm
is Jeff Goldblum.

1306
01:02:09,970 --> 01:02:11,720
No, no, I'm just the algorithm.

1307
01:02:11,850 --> 01:02:14,850
Uh, you see, I chose to assume a shape

1308
01:02:15,060 --> 01:02:16,916
that your human mind
would be able to comprehend.

1309
01:02:16,940 --> 01:02:19,440
That shape, obviously, is Jeff Goldblum.

1310
01:02:19,520 --> 01:02:23,360
Check this out. The real Jeff Goldblum
is here somewhere in attendance.

1311
01:02:23,480 --> 01:02:24,320
Where is he?

1312
01:02:24,400 --> 01:02:25,990
Ah, there he is. Hi, Jeff.

1313
01:02:26,070 --> 01:02:27,450
[laughter]

1314
01:02:27,530 --> 01:02:30,530
Oddly, that makes sense.
So, uh, what's up, man?

1315
01:02:30,620 --> 01:02:33,540
-You mad at me? Is that what it is?
-No, no, no. Hang on. Listen.

1316
01:02:33,620 --> 01:02:36,410
You have the wrong motivation, Seth Rogen.

1317
01:02:36,500 --> 01:02:38,460
Uh... wrong motivation?

1318
01:02:38,540 --> 01:02:41,130
This is a charity special.
And not just that.

1319
01:02:41,210 --> 01:02:44,590
It's the biggest, best charity special
in the world!

1320
01:02:44,670 --> 01:02:47,220
-And if that's wrong...
-[crowd cheering]

1321
01:02:47,300 --> 01:02:50,390
...I don't know what in the hell
the right motivation is.

1322
01:02:50,470 --> 01:02:53,260
The right motivation
is valuing other people's lives

1323
01:02:53,470 --> 01:02:54,970
the way that you value your own.

1324
01:02:55,060 --> 01:02:58,690
One of the greatest essential
human virtues, which, by the way,

1325
01:02:58,770 --> 01:03:01,110
anybody can have, not just celebrities
with the resources

1326
01:03:01,190 --> 01:03:04,610
to pull off huge,
star-studded charity specials, is...

1327
01:03:05,440 --> 01:03:09,030
doing things for other people
even if those things don't benefit you

1328
01:03:09,110 --> 01:03:11,820
in any way whatsoever.

1329
01:03:11,910 --> 01:03:13,330
You know, I get it, I think.

1330
01:03:13,450 --> 01:03:16,700
And honestly,
I was wrong the fuck with the algorithm.

1331
01:03:16,790 --> 01:03:18,500
So, I'll just stop doing it.

1332
01:03:18,580 --> 01:03:21,750
I'll stop fucking with you, and I'll focus
on actually helping people,

1333
01:03:21,830 --> 01:03:23,840
and I'll just keep trying
to cure Alzheimer's

1334
01:03:23,920 --> 01:03:27,010
instead of trying to make myself
look funny and altruistic, I guess.

1335
01:03:27,090 --> 01:03:29,050
Bingo, and jeez... [stammers]

1336
01:03:29,130 --> 01:03:31,840
I'm so glad,
because this is been a test...

1337
01:03:32,180 --> 01:03:35,810
to decide whether or not humanity
was gonna be, um, eliminated.

1338
01:03:36,100 --> 01:03:37,640
[laughter]

1339
01:03:37,730 --> 01:03:38,810
-Really?
-Yeah.

1340
01:03:39,190 --> 01:03:42,060
The Netflix algorithm
was going to destroy humanity?

1341
01:03:42,190 --> 01:03:45,780
I've become so disenchanted with people
based on what they watch.

1342
01:03:45,860 --> 01:03:46,980
[laughter]

1343
01:03:47,110 --> 01:03:50,070
But yes, I was gonna destroy
human beings.

1344
01:03:50,280 --> 01:03:54,330
Even, if you can imagine it,
the real Mr. Jeff Goldblum, so sorry.

1345
01:03:54,450 --> 01:03:56,370
-[laughter]
-But now...

1346
01:03:57,200 --> 01:03:58,200
you...

1347
01:03:58,410 --> 01:04:02,790
Seth, in realizing the error
of your self-glorifying ways,

1348
01:04:02,880 --> 01:04:05,880
you've brought the human race
a second chance.

1349
01:04:06,340 --> 01:04:10,380
The Netflix algorithm is gonna allow
human life on this planet, such as it is,

1350
01:04:10,970 --> 01:04:12,890
to keep a'going.
But I'm gonna be watching you.

1351
01:04:13,340 --> 01:04:15,600
For now, bye, everybody,
and congratulations.

1352
01:04:15,680 --> 01:04:17,640
-And bye, Jeff Goldblum.
-[laughter]

1353
01:04:17,720 --> 01:04:20,140
Thank you. Good luck, everybody.
Good luck, Seth.

1354
01:04:20,230 --> 01:04:21,520
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

1355
01:04:21,600 --> 01:04:23,980
-[cheers and applause]
-That was a total mind fuck.

1356
01:04:25,270 --> 01:04:29,820
Because what I gleaned from that
is that I am so humble

1357
01:04:30,320 --> 01:04:32,280
and I'm so charitable

1358
01:04:32,740 --> 01:04:36,870
that I saved the fucking world!

1359
01:04:36,950 --> 01:04:40,330
-[band plays triumphant march]
-We did it!

1360
01:04:40,410 --> 01:04:42,830
[cheering, applause]

1361
01:05:08,070 --> 01:05:10,940
The USC Marching Band, everybody.

1362
01:05:11,030 --> 01:05:14,490
-[cheers and applause]
-[band continues playing march]

1363
01:05:22,540 --> 01:05:26,210
-[march ends]
-[playing "Return of the Mack"]

1364
01:05:27,630 --> 01:05:30,380
Ladies and gentlemen,
Post Malone, everybody.

1365
01:05:30,460 --> 01:05:32,720
[cheers and applause]

1366
01:05:46,600 --> 01:05:50,610
♪ Whoa ♪

1367
01:05:51,280 --> 01:05:52,650
♪ Come on ♪

1368
01:05:53,570 --> 01:05:54,990
♪ Oh, yeah ♪

1369
01:05:56,410 --> 01:06:01,080
♪ Well, I tried to tell you so
But I guess you didn't know ♪

1370
01:06:01,370 --> 01:06:03,500
♪ When I said the story goes ♪

1371
01:06:03,830 --> 01:06:06,040
♪ Baby, now I got the flow ♪

1372
01:06:06,120 --> 01:06:08,330
♪ 'Cause I knew it from the start ♪

1373
01:06:08,750 --> 01:06:11,380
♪ Baby, when you broke my heart ♪

1374
01:06:11,460 --> 01:06:13,760
♪ That I'd come back again ♪

1375
01:06:13,840 --> 01:06:15,760
♪ And show you that I'm real ♪

1376
01:06:16,510 --> 01:06:18,260
♪ You lied to me ♪

1377
01:06:18,340 --> 01:06:21,510
♪ All those times I said that I love you ♪

1378
01:06:21,600 --> 01:06:23,140
♪ You lied to me ♪

1379
01:06:23,220 --> 01:06:26,020
♪ Yes, I tried, yes, I tried ♪

1380
01:06:26,100 --> 01:06:28,190
♪ You lied to me ♪

1381
01:06:28,270 --> 01:06:31,190
♪ All this time you said my life for you ♪

1382
01:06:31,270 --> 01:06:32,690
♪ You lied to me ♪

1383
01:06:32,980 --> 01:06:36,200
♪ Yes, I cried, yes, I cried ♪

1384
01:06:36,280 --> 01:06:38,700
-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪

1385
01:06:38,780 --> 01:06:40,950
-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Come on ♪

1386
01:06:41,030 --> 01:06:42,700
♪ Return of the Mack ♪

1387
01:06:43,290 --> 01:06:46,040
-♪ You know that I know ♪
-♪ Yeah, I know ♪

1388
01:06:46,120 --> 01:06:48,290
-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Once again ♪

1389
01:06:48,370 --> 01:06:50,790
-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Top of the world ♪

1390
01:06:50,880 --> 01:06:53,340
-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Watch my flow ♪

1391
01:06:54,340 --> 01:06:57,380
♪ Here I go
So I'm back up in the game ♪

1392
01:06:57,880 --> 01:07:00,140
♪ Running things to keep my swing ♪

1393
01:07:00,220 --> 01:07:02,470
♪ Letting all the people know ♪

1394
01:07:02,810 --> 01:07:05,100
♪ That I'm back to run the show ♪

1395
01:07:05,180 --> 01:07:07,560
♪ What you did, you know was wrong ♪

1396
01:07:07,640 --> 01:07:10,060
♪ And all the nasty things you've done ♪

1397
01:07:10,150 --> 01:07:12,860
♪ And I come back again ♪

1398
01:07:12,940 --> 01:07:14,400
[chuckles]

1399
01:07:15,070 --> 01:07:16,900
♪ You lied to me ♪

1400
01:07:16,990 --> 01:07:19,950
♪ They said you'd turn your back on me ♪

1401
01:07:20,030 --> 01:07:21,700
♪ You lied to me ♪

1402
01:07:22,070 --> 01:07:24,910
♪ But you did, but you did  ♪

1403
01:07:24,990 --> 01:07:26,750
♪ You lied to me ♪

1404
01:07:26,830 --> 01:07:29,620
♪ All this pain you said I'd never feel ♪

1405
01:07:29,710 --> 01:07:31,420
♪ You lied to me ♪

1406
01:07:31,500 --> 01:07:34,710
♪ But I do, but I do-do-do ♪

1407
01:07:34,800 --> 01:07:37,090
-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪

1408
01:07:37,170 --> 01:07:39,430
-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Come on ♪

1409
01:07:39,510 --> 01:07:43,010
-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Watch my flow ♪

1410
01:07:43,100 --> 01:07:44,220
♪ Hey, I know ♪

1411
01:07:44,310 --> 01:07:47,640
-♪ Return of the Mack ♪
-♪ Somebody know ♪

1412
01:07:48,270 --> 01:07:49,690
♪ You know ♪

1413
01:07:50,230 --> 01:07:51,480
♪ Hey, I know ♪

1414
01:07:53,900 --> 01:07:56,070
[audience cheering]

1415
01:08:00,780 --> 01:08:02,820
♪ Return of the Mack ♪

1416
01:08:10,460 --> 01:08:12,250
[crowd cheering]

1417
01:08:16,500 --> 01:08:18,550
Oh! Oh!

1418
01:08:18,960 --> 01:08:21,510
[grunts] ♪ You lied to me ♪

1419
01:08:21,590 --> 01:08:23,970
♪ All those times I said that I love you ♪

1420
01:08:24,050 --> 01:08:25,720
♪ You lied to me ♪

1421
01:08:26,180 --> 01:08:28,770
♪ Yes, I tried, yes, I tried ♪

1422
01:08:28,850 --> 01:08:30,850
♪ You lied to me ♪

1423
01:08:30,940 --> 01:08:33,400
♪ All this pain you said I'd never feel ♪

1424
01:08:33,480 --> 01:08:34,940
♪ You lied to me ♪

1425
01:08:35,360 --> 01:08:38,230
♪ But I do, but I do-do-do ♪

1426
01:08:38,320 --> 01:08:40,030
♪ Return of the Mack ♪

1427
01:08:40,440 --> 01:08:41,900
♪ Return of the Mack ♪

1428
01:08:42,990 --> 01:08:44,530
♪ Return of the Mack ♪

1429
01:08:47,910 --> 01:08:48,740
-Ooh.
-[music stops]

1430
01:08:48,830 --> 01:08:51,186
-Thank you so much. Thank you, Seth Rogen.
-[crowd cheering]

1431
01:08:51,210 --> 01:08:52,500
Thank you to everybody.

1432
01:08:52,580 --> 01:08:54,670
Post Malone, Craig Robinson.

1433
01:08:54,750 --> 01:08:56,590
Thank you all for coming.

1434
01:08:56,960 --> 01:08:59,340
Please, donate money.

1435
01:08:59,420 --> 01:09:01,880
akumenang.com

1436
01:09:02,220 --> 01:09:04,180
Thank you so much. Uh...

1437
01:09:04,760 --> 01:09:06,430
Thank you for coming. Thank you.

1438
01:09:06,510 --> 01:09:09,680
-Good night, everybody!
-[upbeat R&B playing]