﻿1
(NARRATOR READING)
(YELLING)
No, that movie was irreplaceable.
Shut it.
Where's that magic tape?
I'll never give you that tape.
You still owe me late fees.
Fuck your late charges!
(GRUNTS)
(BOTH GRUNT)
Don't you understand?
You can't have that power.
It belongs to someone who can use it for world domination.
Someone who's worth it.
Like me.
Fuck you and your fucking mustache.
Tear this place apart!
(ALL YELLING)
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
(GRUNTS)
(YELLS)
(GRUNTING)
(MAN) Kill him!
Aha!
I am terminating your membership.
(GRUNTS) Shoot him!
(WHISPERS) Kill yourself.
Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself.
Aha!
(GROANS)
(ALL GRUNTING)
Get over here!
(MAN SCREAMS)
(GRUNTS)
Bring it.
(GROWLS)
Amateur.
(NARRATOR) You have served your master well.
The video store will rise again.
Tonight,
beers are on me.
(CAR ENGINE RUNNING)
- (MAN MOANING) - (HORN HONKING)
(STATIC)
- (WOMAN 1) Everyone I run into today... - (TRUCK HORN HONKING)
- (WOMAN 2 SCREAMING) - (CRASHING)
Huh?
(FOOTSTEPS)
(GIRL LAUGHING)
(BABY CRYING)
(WINCES)
(MAN GROANING)
(GIRL LAUGHING)
(GROANS)
(GROANING)
(MOANING)
(BABY CRYING)
(MOANING)
- (TRUCK HORN HONKING) - (CRASHING)
(MOANING)
(GASPING)
(MOANING)
(HUMMING)
(GROANING)
(MONITOR BEEPING)
(MONITOR FLAT-LINING)
- (FIRE CRACKLING) - (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(CHOKES)
(SCREAMING)
(WOMAN GROANING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(LAUGHING)
It's the king of the fairies!
(GIRL 1) He needs help.
The bubbles means it's working.
Do you think he has a tummy ache?
Get some water from the ditch.
(GIRL 2) (ECHOES) Maybe he needs fairy dust.
(GIRL 1) We have to go. We'll check on you soon.
I hope you feel better.
He's not bleeding anymore.
And his bug friends came to help him.
We brought you some more fairy dust.
(GIRL 2) (WHISPERING) He's asleep. Let's go.
Damn, man! He stinks.
Well, if you'd have buried him the first time,
we wouldn't have this problem now, would we?
If you're waiting for him to smell any better,
it ain't gonna happen.
So whenever you're ready, feel free.
(MAN 1) We should've never touched that green stuff.
I'm telling you
we should've never touched it.
(MAN 2) Why the hell is he in a tutu?
(GIRL 1) He's gone.
He got better and flew away.
(BOTH CHEERING)
(PANTING)
(GASPS)
(SCREAMS)
(GUNSHOT)
(GROWLING)
(GROWLS)
(GROWLING)
(GROWLS)
(GROANING)
(ALL GROWLING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
- (PANTING) - (BANGING ON DOOR)
(CHUCKLES)
(SCREAMS)
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
(DOOR OPENS)
(GRUNTS)
- What the fuck are you doing? - (GROANS)
When I tell you to do something, you do it!
(SCOFFS)
What is that?
No.
You're just like Mama.
Shit for brains!
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
(FLIES BUZZING)
(DOOR OPENS)
(PANTING)
(SOBS) Please help me. Please!
Hurry, hurry.
(SCREAMS) No!
What the fuck do you think you're doing, boy?
Get out of here, now.
No.
I should've done this a long time ago.
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
Shit for brains!
(FLY BUZZING)
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMS)
(METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCREAMING)
(WATER DRIPPING)
(WHIRRING)
(BIRD CAWS)
(METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Whoo! Whoo-hoo!
(WOMAN YELLING)
(INDISTINCT TALKING)
Are you sure about this, Jay? I...
I think I'm just gonna stand in the back.
Oh, come on, little cuz.
Only wimps stand in the back.
You need to experience
the fury of Cock Strangler up close.
(CHUCKLES) You're gonna love this, little bud.
It's death metal.
D-E-A-T-H metal.
(FEEDBACK)
Greetings, puny earthlings.
I am Lord Cock,
and these are my servants in cockering and debauchery.
Together, we are Cock Strangler.
This first one is called
Traveling Through Time as Embryonic Fecal Matter.
Jay, I think I'm gonna get out of...
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING INDISTINCTLY)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(GLASSES SHATTERING)
(MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING IN SPANISH)
(MAN) Louise.
I'd like you to visualize your husband's face.
I see him.
Now when I say your name again...
I want you to see me.
Your Steven.
No holding back.
Not anymore.
I'm sorry I hurt you, Louise.
Do you even understand how stupid that sounds?
Calm down.
(GROANS) There is nothing
that can hurt you physically.
(LOUISE) Doctor, what's happening to us?
We are all connected, Louise.
Specifically, you and I
are more connected than most, at this moment.
I don't wanna hurt you.
Then stop hurting yourself, Louise.
I love you, Louise.
- I wanna fix this. - (BREATHING HEAVILY)
You wanna fix this...
You fucked your assistant.
God knows how many times.
And even after I found out, you invited her into our home.
- As if nothing had happened! - Yes.
- Let him know. - (GASPING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Communicate it.
Let it all go!
I gave you everything.
And what did you do?
You shit on me. You shit on us.
(LOUISE MUTTERING)
And every time I think of your face,
I want to spit on you.
I'm gonna make sure that you know every day, until you die,
what a shit you are.
Now open your eyes,
and see the physical manifestation
of your hatred.
Hate shows itself in a million different ways.
And now that it is no longer inside of you,
you can do anything.
- (MAN) Dr. Christian. - Get out!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(LOUISE YELLS)
(GASPS)
(SIGHS) You're early, Steven.
Thank you.
(GRUNTS)
(MAN) On this, our final day,
we all gather to pay tribute to our brother.
For our sins, our anger,
our secret desires,
all go with him.
(GASPING)
Hi.
(SCREAMING)
(MAN) Without his sacrifice...
In purity
and with righteousness.
Thank you.
(CHOKING)
Really, kid?
Thank you.
(MAN) Because he journeys into the darkness,
we may all go on forever
in the light.
(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)
(GRUNTS)
I'm really sorry about this.
No, it's fine. I'm here all day.
(CHAINSAW REVS)
- Got it! - Great.
(GASPING)
Thank you. That was delicious.
(GRUNTING)
Thank you.
You're welcome.
(MAN) Because he journeys into the darkness,
we may all go on forever
- in the light. - (GUNSHOT)
So that we may live forever in the light.
Amen.
(WOMAN ON RADIO SPEAKING SPANISH)
(WOMAN 2 SOBBING)
(WHISTLES)
(BOTH SOBBING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(YELLING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(SOBBING)
(GRUNTS)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(GRUNTS)
(GROANING)
(GASPING)
(SCREAMS)
(SOBS)
(SCREAMING)
(BOTH YELLING)
(MAN) Your food is ready, sir.
(TURNS TV OFF)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
I hope you enjoyed your meal, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Your car is waiting.
Can you not do that? You're scaring off the fish.
Yeah, right. When I was a kid...
- Here we go. - ...My dad used to throw me in as bait.
- Bullshit. - It's true, man.
It doesn't even matter.
I mean, whether we're casting lines,
picking up skanks at the bar.
Doesn't matter, I always go home with the biggest prize.
Yeah, the biggest prize.
Hey, fatties count, right?
Catch. What a fucking day, man.
I'm gonna get a sandwich.
Hey, Garrett, something's on your line.
Your line, you got something hooked on the line.
- Pull. Pull. - No, I got it. I got it.
Oh, shit. Garrett, I got you.
(GRUNTING)
Come up. Come on, Garrett.
Come on, buddy.
Grab the pole. Grab the fucking pole.
I don't even know what it is, but it's fucking huge, man.
Holy shit!
- Dude, grab the tail. - Put it down. Help me out.
Pull it.
Lift that up. Come on.
(GASPING)
Here we go.
It's okay, stop! Fuck!
It's a fucking fish, man.
It's a fucking mermaid.
No, listen to me. Are you crazy? Look at her.
- This is a person. - I caught it, it's my fish.
I'm killing it, man. Catch of the day, buddy.
Bullshit, stop it! No!
Just get off!
Hey, I'm not gonna let him touch you.
What, you're in love with the thing?
No, I'm just not gonna let you kill her.
Back off, Garrett.
It's okay.
I won't let him touch you.
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTING)
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(GRUNTS)
I gotta say, man. You had me going.
Thought you were really in love with this one or something.
Well, what can I say. You can't win 'em all.
I'd call you a cheat, but fuck it.
- To the catch of the day. - Catch of the day.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUFFLED SHOUTING)
Jesus, pipe down, you little shit.
(MAN SIGHS)
Don't know why it's so fucking hard these days.
Do you ever get the feeling
what you're doing is completely pointless.
I'm serious.
(SIGHS) Every day, every year,
it all just blends into one.
What am I achieving?
What am I actually contributing to anyone's life?
Well, you know, what you're doing is important.
Yeah? Kids need to be afraid.
Well, you're helping Santa, if anything.
Yeah, well, it's all awesome for him.
Everybody loves Santa,
but how am I gonna be remembered?
Some miserable goat-fuck that ruins people's lives.
Where's my appreciation?
'Cause it's not like this makes me feel good anymore.
(SIGHS)
I don't wanna be remembered as Krampus the Christmas
whilst everyone wanks over that fat, smug prick.
Yeah, fuck you and your fucking beard.
You haven't got it in you anymore, have you?
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
You remember that beating you gave me?
- You remember that? - (CHUCKLES)
Yeah.
When was the last time you felt like that?
You know what, though?
I could have been a good guy.
I want the fucking Coke endorsement.
Well, you know, it's not too late.
Put a bit of Christmas spirit into that cold,
cold heart of yours.
Start right now, if you want.
All you've got to do is just take this off.
- Really? - Yeah, of course.
- Just you and me? - Yep.
Best of friends.
Spreading Christmas cheer and making people happy.
Now that's how I wanna be remembered.
Just the two of us?
Yeah, it's just you and me, pal.
- Taking on the world. - Yeah.
Like in Cop and a Half!
Bit weird.
"I'm an eight-year-old with a badge!"
Except that could be you,
and I can be Burt Reynolds.
Yeah, you know, just take these off.
We are buddies, right?
Yeah, of course.
You're like a brother to me.
You're all that I know.
They're gonna sing songs about this.
About us.
Now I'm gonna be a chocolate in a calendar.
Fuck you, Krampus, you thick cunt.
What are you doing? What about Cop and a Half?
Oh, fuck.
(TWIG SNAPS)
Have you ever seen Cop and a Half?
(MOANS)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(STOMACH GRUMBLING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(FARTS)
(SPITS)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(MAN SPEAKING SPANISH)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(AVE MARIA PLAYING)
(SCREAMS)
(SOBBING)
(GASPING)
(WOLF HOWLING)
(WOMAN BREATHING SHAKILY)
(ANIMAL SOUNDS)
(GRUNTS)
Ah!
(GROANING)
(BOTH GRUNT)
(GROANING)
(GASPING)
(GROWLING)
(SCREAMING)
(GASPING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(CROWS CAWING)
(GROANING)
(ALARM BLARING)
(EXHALES)
(GRUNTS)
(WHIRRING)
(SCREAMS)
(GROANING)
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
(WHEEZING)
(GUNSHOT)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(CLATTERING)
(GASPS)
(INDISTINCT TALKING)
(CHOKES)
(MUFFLED GROANING)
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMS)
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
(SNORING)
(MESSAGE BEEP)
(GRUNTING)
(MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)
(GROWLING)
(SCREAMS)
(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHS)
(SNIFFS)
(GUNSHOT)
(FLIES BUZZING)
Honey, dinner!
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
(GASPS)
(HISSING)
(MOANING)
Mmm.
(TWIG SNAPS)
(BOTH GASP)
(GROWLS)
- No! - (GUNSHOT)
(GUN COCKS)
(GUNSHOT)
(CREATURES GROWLING)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
- Hi, how are we doing today? - Fine.
We're missionaries from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
We go around preaching the teachings of Jesus
and how they can bless our lives.
We were wondering if you'd be interested in learning more.
We have our own religion, thank you.
Do you have a faith in Christ yourself?
Yes, I do, but...
Well, we'd just like to add to your faith.
I'm Elder Dean, this is Elder Archibald.
Hello.
He doesn't say much, does he?
Yeah, I'm more of the talker. What's your name?
Look, you two seem like nice boys,
but my husband isn't in right now,
and I would really feel more comfortable
if you would come back when he's here.
- No. - Excuse me?
Yeah, that's not gonna work for us.
But we can discuss it more inside.
(SCOFFS) You're not coming in here.
Uh, yeah, I'm afraid we are.
Elder.
(GASPS)
(MUFFLED SHOUTING)
(CHUCKLING)
So, is this what you're working on?
You know, I'm pretty handy with a hammer.
Maybe Elder Archibald and I can help you out.
Would you like that?
(MUFFLED MOANS)
You can let her speak.
Why are you doing this?
- (BURPS) - (LAUGHS)
Please. You can take my money.
Just please don't hurt me. Let me go, please.
- Hold her down. - (YELLS)
(DEAN SHUSHING)
(WOMAN GASPS)
(LAUGHING)
What happened?
Why would you do this?
I don't understand.
(DOOR OPENS)
(MAN) Oh, no.
Oh, I'm so glad you're home.
- (SOBS) - What have you done?
They bashed my face in.
(MAN) You're fine.
- You're... You're fine. - (SOBS)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Em?
Em.
All right, let's get this over with. I got a date in 20 minutes.
What are we dealing with? A cockroach? A mouse?
(WHISPERS) Spider.
Oh, my God!
I can't believe you killed that thing.
Don't move.
(GASPS)
That's just the baby.
(PANTING)
Is it... Is it gone?
Is it gone?
(SCREAMS)
- (BED CREAKING) - (MAN MOANING)
(WOMAN YELLING)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(HONKING)
(YELLS)
(SCREAMING)
(MUFFLED GROANS)
(GURGLING)
Put your mouth on it.
(GAGS)
(MAN) There's one thing that I know to be true in my heart
and millions of good Christians out there also know it,
that is that the Almighty is tired of mankind playing God.
And now, he visits his judgment upon us.
We must pray together for forgiveness.
So one theory is, the virus is a result
of the recent meteorite impact in Southern Australia.
The fact is, the impact was on May 23.
The first recorded outbreak of the M216 virus
was on May 24, one day later.
Professor, if you had read the Institute's manuscript,
that came out yesterday...
- I've read it. - You've read it?
More nonsense from a corporation trying desperately
to cover up some of the biggest bungles...
That is an outrageous...
(MAN) Okay.
We're gonna have to leave it there for the moment,
as we go live now
to Australian correspondent, Sonja Patel in Melbourne.
Sonja, what can you tell us about the situation there?
Hi, Jim, I'm here at... (STATIC)
...that meteor crashed six months ago.
As you can see,
it's just a complete sense of bewilderment across...
(GROANING)
(JIM) What measures have been put in place to help the people there?
Very little, I'm...
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(SCREECHING)
Jim, there are these crazy bat things in the sky
right above us right now.
There seems... There seems to be a situation developing...
- Elvis has left the vehicle. - (MUSIC PLAYING)
(LAUGHS)
Incoming!
(LAUGHS)
Whoo!
(SCREAMING) Oh, my God.
(LAUGHING)
Dance, bitch.
You'd better run back to your office, sweetheart!
The world belongs to us now. Whoo!
This is the mother lode right here.
They're fuckin' everywhere!
Time for the big guns, mama!
(LAUGHS)
- Whoo! - Whoo!
You motherfuckers!
Whoo!
Return to sender!
(ALARM BLARING)
(GASPING)
(SCREAMING)
(LAUGHS)
(GUN COCKS)
Having fun?
I've never felt more alive.
- (LAUGHING) - (GUN FIRING)
(LAUGHS)
God, you're beautiful.
Shut up and kiss me.
Lord have mercy!
Incoming.
(LAUGHING)
* It's one for the money *
* Two for the show *
* It's three to get ready *
* Now, go, packs, go *
Whoo!
(GROANING)
- (WOMAN) Whoo! - (MACHINE GUN FIRING)
You motherfuckers! Whoo!
(LAUGHING)