﻿1
(ominous piano music)
(choir meowing)
I know what this looks like.
But it's not my fault.
It's my cat, Angel.
(choir meowing)
You look nervous.
If you'd been through what I've been through,
you'd be nervous too.
(screaming)
(purring)
I don't even know where to begin.
When I first got to LA, it was great.
It was magical.
(thunder booms)
I figured it would inspire me to write again.
I was looking for my muse.
(vomiting)
(moaning)
Just go with it.
And did you find her?
Hi.
(giggles)
Come on in.
So this is your place?
Yeah.
Things got really bad.
That night with Lisa.
I love Stephen King.
I like him too.
(purring)
Oh here's my cat Cujo, I mean Angel.
(laughs)
Holy Miss Beautiful.
It got to the point where I
couldn't really date another woman.
My cat, she would get too jealous.
You underrated her gorgeousness.
I can't wait to pet her.
Oh maybe you shouldn't.
Some people think she's...
Dangerous.
(meowing)
(laughs)
You!
(laughs and snorts)
Dangerously adorable you mean.
Oh God, she scratched me!
[Nick] It's not that bad.
(knocking)
Coming.
(dramatic sting)
What, did I scare you?
Adam!
What the hell are you doing dressed like that?
It's called body armor and I'd be up
here in one of those shark cages if I
could figure out how to get it up the stairs.
Huh.
Here's your mail.
I can't believe Lisa made such
a big deal over a little scratch.
A little scratch?
I just saw her running out of here.
Looks like she sliced an artery.
I wonder if she'll ever talk to me again.
Not if she's like every other girl you brought up here.
I'm telling you man, you need to exorcize that cat.
Don't you think you're being a little extreme?
Is that...
Is that blood?
There is nothing worse than a bloody pussy.
Didn't you think you had a real problem on your hands?
Not at that point.
I had no idea what was to come.
(girl screaming)
(meowing death metal music)
Things kept getting stranger after that.
(loud boom)
(phone rings)
Hello?
Is that you blasting music?
Adam.
I don't know, there was music, a bright light.
And I grew a beard.
You on drugs?
I think someone may have broken into my apartment.
Why would anyone wanna break into your apartment?
I think someone might be in my kitchen.
Yeah, well I told you not to keep
all that food in the refrigerator.
I gotta go.
(ominous piano music) (floor creaking)
Angel, you're not supposed to be eating late at night.
(dramatic sting)
(phone rings)
Hello?
I couldn't sleep.
Lisa.
I had a dream about you.
That's strange.
You were about to give me a very, very large...
Go on, I think I like this dream.
Check.
(record scratch)
Because I sued your ass for the pain and suffering
I had to endure from your pesky demon cat!
Still like the dream?
I'll see you in court.
Aww, you still hungry baby?
(woman screams)
(ominous music)
(loud banging)
(woman screaming)
(loud banging)
(woman screaming)
(dramatic sting)
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
What do you mean?
There's blood seeping from underneath the door.
Do you think we should call the cops?
Don't believe everything you see, buddy.
(coughs)
This is real blood.
I was kidding.
Hey look, it was maple syrup, food coloring.
What am I, neighbors with Aunt Jemima?
What do you want, it's the week before Halloween.
What about the screams?
I heard somebody scream.
It's probably her, the new girl.
She works in special effects, when she's
working on something, she messes up, she screams.
She sounds nuts.
She's one of those dramatic artists.
You know, you're a writer, you're all a little moody.
You know, I hope she doesn't make this a habit.
Give her a break, she just moved in
and she's probably not that happy about
you blasting that music, what was that about?
I don't know.
When I came out there was no one there.
I just got a call from Lisa.
She's threatening to sue me
over that scratch Angel gave her.
Frustrated actress.
I'm gonna need a lawyer.
Here, take this.
[Nick] What's this?
It's the number to a real professional.
Okay?
Friend of the family.
I've used her on more than one occasion.
And you keep her number scribbled on
a piece of paper in your pajamas?
You never know when you'll need it.
Listen, my dad's a lawyer, he goes to her, she's good.
[Nick] Miss Rommel, my name is Nick.
I know who you are.
I hear you're having a little problem with your pussycat.
How did you know?
Adam told me.
I've worked with Adam before.
See you in one hour, be ready.
Come right in.
Ooooh.
I see you like swords.
They're not really sharp, they're for show.
Where's your bathroom?
Down the hallway, to the right.
Sit!
You're making me nervous.
(purring)
(dramatic drumming)
I was about to get screwed.
(muffled screaming)
Awww, relax.
(western music meowing)
(loud banging) (meowing)
(muffled screaming)
Hey buddy, I've never seen you so tongue tied before.
(muffled yelling)
What the hell happened?
What are you talking about?
I heard screaming.
When I realized it wasn't the neighbor I headed over here.
Where's Miss Rommel?
Miss Rommel?
How do I know?
(ominous atmosphere music)
(jazzy meowing music)
Would you put that thing away?
What are you doing with a camera anyway?
I just bought it and I was testing it out.
I heard all the noise coming from your apartment
when I came over here to see what was happening.
You told me Miss Rommel was a lawyer.
No, I said she was a professional.
Where is she anyway?
I don't know.
It's you, man, you're screwing with me aren't you?
Me?
Why would I do that?
I'm telling you, it's probably that cat.
Seems to be the only logical explanation.
Logical explanation?
That my car is possessed by a demon
and attacked a lawyer who really isn't
a lawyer, but a dominatrix mistress?
You should be glad she's not a lawyer.
Assuming it was your cat who attacked her.
I'm gonna get sued from another chick!
You've been a big help.
Thanks.
(dramatic sting)
I don't think she's gonna say anything.
What makes you so sure?
Because it looks to me like the cat got her tongue.
(thunder booms)
(meowing)
After that I was haunted with guilt, or something.
(ominous atmosphere music)
(menacing laughter)
(dramatic sting)
(screaming)
(dramatic sting)
(suspenseful orchestra music)
Please.
Please no.
Don't be a pussy!
(sobbing)
(bones cracking)
(groaning)
(heart beating)
(laughs)
Eat your heart out.
♪ She's a heart taker ♪
♪ She's coming for you ♪
♪ She is a heart taker ♪
♪ She's coming for you ♪
(rock music)
(alarm ringing)
(heart beating)
What, did I scare you?
I just brought you some milk.
The healthy crap, kind you like?
Little vitamin D?
Have you heard from Miss Rommel yet?
No, but I'm thinking no news is good news.
Jeez man, why do you still have this?
What am I supposed to do with it?
Throw it away.
What if someone finds it?
So you're gonna keep it in your refrigerator?
Throw it down the garbage disposal or something.
What if she comes back and wants her tongue back?
(mocking speech impediment)
What are you doing?
My impression of somebody asking for their tongue back.
You're sick.
Listen, I've been called a lot worse by a lot better.
I hired a therapist.
You need a cat whisperer.
Look.
What do you think?
Yeah, she is way too hot to be any good.
She's the only one who will make house calls.
She's coming later today.
Well I better get rid of this then.
Last thing you need is to be making a drink for
this girl and accidentally slip her the tongue.
(gentle electric guitar music)
I think it's love.
Pardon?
Not real love, but love addiction.
So are you saying that it's not real love?
It's real for her, but that
doesn't mean it's real love.
You see, love addicts lack self-esteem.
Likely from some early life loss or trauma,
so they get wrapped up in the drama wanting
others to love them to the point of obsession.
How do you know so much about this?
(chuckles)
Because I used to be a love addict too.
That's great!
Give her the attention she thinks
she wants and then maybe she'll stop
sinking her claws so deeply into you.
(hissing)
[Nick] Stop that!
♪ Just you and me tonight ♪
♪ You, you touch my heart ♪
♪ You make me swoon ♪
♪ Like no one has before ♪
♪ You, you make me purr ♪
♪ You make me feel ♪
♪ Like I'm alive once more ♪
♪ Tonight, you're all I need ♪
(record scratch)
You think you might be taking that
therapist suggestion a little too far?
What are you doing, Adam?
I'm trying to sleep.
I can see that.
I know you're a little desperate,
but you're sleeping with your cat, come on, man.
What do you mean, I sleep with her all the time.
You know I'm recording this right?
You'll never write in this town again.
It's not what you think.
Really?
Rose petals?
(meows)
[Publisher] Well did Angel calm down after that?
For a little bit.
(gentle acoustic guitar music)
♪ Like the sparrow needs his wings to fly ♪
♪ I just need your kiss to live ♪
♪ Come on, little sparrow ♪
(moaning)
♪ Little sparrow ♪
You need to embrace it.
Just go with it.
I know it's hard.
(hissing)
What was that?
(chomping)
(whimpering)
(dramatic sting)
(screaming)
(growling)
(door creaks)
(ominous atmosphere music)
Did you ever figure out what the note meant?
Sort of.
(teapot whistling)
Grandma was the first to sniff things out.
It was like she can smell trouble before it happened.
(upbeat jazzy music)
(hissing)
Grandma, tea's ready.
Good.
How nice dear, thank you.
I'm worried about you.
I'm okay grandma, really.
Well I don't know.
Angel certainly doesn't look okay.
What do you mean?
No, she's not herself.
Maybe it's something she ate.
Something she ate?
I know cats.
So about you.
You look tired.
Are you all right?
It's been a rough few days.
How's your love life?
Grandma, please.
I know women too, and I know some
of them can be downright villainous.
But if you need me, please don't be afraid to call.
I may be old, but I have nine lives as well.
I'm as fierce as any feline.
Thank you grandma, I appreciate that.
But the nightmares just kept getting worse.
(dramatic sting)
Why didn't you listen to me?
(menacing laughter)
Things have really taken a downward spiral lately.
I've been having these nightmares.
[Laurie] What sort of nightmares?
(moaning)
Sexual ones.
[Laurie] With anyone in particular?
No.
Are you aware that your legs are shaking?
I'm going to be candid.
You're sexually frustrated.
Angel has prevented you from having any real
relationship with a woman and it's driving you crazy.
Do you masturbate?
Masturbate?
Pardon?
(rock music)
Meow.
It's nothing to be ashamed of, it helps
release all this built up tension.
I've tried it.
Just doesn't work for me.
(meowing)
(screaming)
Well have you tried embracing
Angel's love like we discussed?
I have.
[Laurie] And is it working?
I don't really know.
She hasn't tried to attack anyone lately.
I suppose that's progress.
♪ You touch my heart ♪
(ominous atmosphere music)
(screaming)
Oh stop it.
So I got fired from my job today.
I didn't even know you had a job.
Well I did for about three days.
I was an extra.
How does one get fired from being an extra?
It's actually simpler than you might thing.
Taking a non-speaking role and
turning it into a speaking role.
I figured what's the point of being an
extra if you're not doing something extra.
Director disagreed.
So you got axed.
It's the makeup artist downstairs.
She's using me as a model for some
new horror movie she's working on.
Adam, if you don't mind, I'm trying
to have dinner with my cat here.
All right, I'll leave, I'll leave.
(dramatic sting)
(screaming)
Did I scare you?
Who are you?
Pluto.
Detective Pluto.
I am here, I am investigating the disappearance of one...
Lisa Graves.
I didn't know Lisa was missing.
(purring)
What a nice kitty.
(dramatic sting)
What is that?
(chuckling)
(laughter)
Breath mint?
Don't mind if I do.
Ow, ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!
(dramatic atmospheric drumming)
Think he's giving you the finger?
Humph.
I, no, I still don't understand
why the detective bit this finger.
I don't know.
What about the finger?
It wasn't real.
I got it from the makeup lady downstairs.
I must've dropped it.
Why didn't you say something?
I didn't wanna complicate things.
You nearly gave me a heart attack.
Where are you going?
I'm gonna tell that mysterious neighbor
of mine what I think of the screams, the blood
in the hallway and her giving you the finger!
(door creaks open)
(ominous atmosphere music)
(loud slam)
(floor creaking)
(clock bell rings)
(woman screaming)
(floor creaking)
(woman screaming)
(dramatic sting)
(woman screaming)
Things kept getting weirder by the moment.
I needed to clear my head.
But every corner I turned led
me deeper into a fog of mystery.
Running from someone?
Can I help you?
I hope so.
I believe you used to date my daughter.
Oh, I don't know where Lisa is.
Lisa?
No, my last name is Carrie.
I'm Rosemary's mother.
Rosemary.
Do you remember her?
Yes.
How's Rosemary doing?
She's dead.
(dramatic sting)
I'm really sorry to hear about...
Rosemary.
Right, Rosemary.
We dated a couple years ago?
Six months ago.
She was blonde?
Brunette.
It's all so foggy to me.
Really?
Because she wrote about you in her diary.
Here.
Read it.
Go ahead, she wouldn't mind.
(dramatic sting)
If you don't mind my asking, how did she die?
Poison.
Oh my God.
Oh! (dramatic sting)
It moved.
The box moved!
Please be careful.
I'm pygmachophobic.
A fear of boxes.
You never know what you might find in them.
My husband once brought home a crate.
(shrieks)
(woman screaming)
It's all right.
It's nothing to be afraid of, it's just my cat Angel.
How can you be so sure?
I used to be ailurophobia.
A fear of cats.
But that's not what this is.
This is phasmophobia.
(shrieks)
I'm getting out of here.
Wait, you forgot this!
Phasmophobia?
Fear of ghosts?
(meowing)
Hmm?
So is that the diary?
Mmmhm.
Written by a woman you don't remember
dating who apparently hated your cat.
What were you thinking?
I thought I needed a therapist.
"The trouble started with the cat,
so I'll kill the cat and end all that.
And as for ye who mocks what's written,
you'll die just like that pesky kitten.
As I conjure a joke of my own
to come and slay thee in thy home."
Your ex wrote that?
The whole thing's like that filled with spells.
The girl thought she was a witch and hated Angel.
What I can't figure out is why I don't remember dating her.
Maybe you blocked it out.
Sounds like you should stick with your cat.
It's probably safer.
I love Angel.
But I never can love love Angel.
It was a joke, I was just trying to cheer you up.
Why would anyone wanna poison my cat?
(yawns)
I don't know what's gotten over me.
Why don't you get some sleep.
Yeah.
(thunder booms)
(menacing laughter)
(shoes squeaking)
(menacing laughter)
(hissing)
(clown nose honking)
(groaning)
(shoes squeaking)
(Angel meowing)
Angel?
(water percolating)
(knocking)
(dramatic sting)
Lisa?
I thought you were dead.
Are you?
Where is that hell cat?
Look, you're upset and sick.
Very sick.
(vomits)
You're the one who's sick, Nick.
You should've listened to me.
Don't make me eat your ear.
It was a nightmare.
You don't know nightmares!
I'm haunted every time I close my eyes.
(coughs)
I ran away, but the nightmares followed me.
This disease, it's getting under my skin.
Gross.
I can't get a date for Valentine's Day.
Not to mention what this has done to my acting career!
(sobs) I'm sorry!
What do you want me to do?
Lick my foot.
You serious?
[Lisa] Tell me you like them.
I like them.
Convince me.
Precious.
My precious, my precious.
My sweet, sweet precious.
Now get up!
This is just the beginning.
It's a shame.
We could've been something, you and I.
Together, we could've ruled the world.
(coughs)
This isn't over!
(Angel meowing)
Angel?
Angel!
(Angel meowing)
[Publisher] Why did Angel run away?
I don't know for sure.
Did you ever find out where she went?
No.
Valentine's Day was right around the
corner and once again I was alone.
(knocking)
Happy VD, buddy!
Looks like you started without me.
Aww, is that your kitty?
So sad.
I lost a cat once.
I hate toilets.
All right.
Let's get this party started, it's Valentine's Day!
(cheering)
Happy Valentine's Day to you, gorgeous.
Cheers.
[Lindsey] Yes, my sexy love.
Cheers.
(laughter)
♪ My chainsaw slices away the fat ♪
♪ I wanna dine on something more ♪
♪ And it's time to (mumbles) ♪
♪ Something's scratching at your door ♪
♪ Well now you're gonna wake up ♪
♪ To the nightmare that's in store ♪
♪ Well I'm a chainsaw kitty ♪
♪ Chainsaw kitty ♪
(music distorts)
(record scratch)
You're coming with me to my hostel.
Can I tear open your heart?
Oh, sure.
Oh God.
This is almost as good as sex.
(giggles)
I have to use the bathroom.
Yeah, okay.
Okay.
Love love.
Boo.
Did I scare you?
Where's Adam?
Unconscious.
Where's Lindsey?
Do you like pain?
Not in particular.
Do you?
Choke me.
(moaning)
Hey, stop!
Stop, what are you doing?
I can't breathe!
Don't do it!
What are you doing here?
Adam passed out, so I thought I'd join you two.
(laughter)
Maybe I should leave.
- Shut up. - Shut up.
(Angel meowing)
Angel?
(loud bang)
What was that?
Awww.
I tawt I saw a puddy cat.
(laughter)
You did, you did see a puddy cat.
(laughter)
Where'd she go?
I don't see anything.
(dramatic sting)
(shrieking)
You bleeding?
I'm so jealous.
Come on, let me see this.
Are you okay?
Ow!
God!
Oh God.
You're scratched.
Do you want me to call a doctor?
Angel.
I'm yours.
(meowing and scratching)
(moaning)
Open up.
Open the door.
(moaning)
Oh yeah.
(dramatic sting)
(screaming)
[Laurie] Is she all right now?
She's fine now that she's back with me.
I was referring to the girl who fell down the stairs.
Oh, um...
Mild concussion and a few scratches.
More shook up than anything else.
And how do you feel about everything?
Horrible.
Like giving up on dating women altogether.
Safer for everyone that way.
[Laurie] That would be a shame.
You think so?
Yes I do, you have so much to offer the right woman.
Hold on a second.
(meowing)
Now where were we?
I was telling you that I really think...
(ominous atmosphere music) (growling)
We shouldn't be doing this.
You sure?
[Laurie] This isn't helping you.
No, it's helping.
It's helping big time.
[Ghostly Voice] Meow.
What was that noise?
What?
[Ghostly Voice] Meow.
That.
I don't hear anything.
I have a bad feeling that if I stay
here things are gonna get out of hand.
It'll be fine.
I promise.
No, no, I'm sorry, I have to go.
Don't.
Had we met under better circumstances, maybe.
(ominous atmosphere music)
(phone ringing)
(phone vibrates)
Nick?
Nick!
(door creaking)
(Psycho theme music)
Adam.
What are you doing here with a knife?
Why are you dressed like Miss Bates?
Because I love you, man.
(screaming)
Are you here to kill me?
Not really.
I actually wanna kill that therapist bitch.
Then I came to my senses.
I'm not a murderer, I'm an artist.
An artist?
There is no downstairs neighbor.
I made her up.
What?
Yeah, it was me all along.
I needed an excuse to get you to come visit me downstairs.
What did you need an excuse for?
'Cause you care about that stupid
cat more than you care about me.
You're the one who needs a therapist.
(meowing and scratching)
(screaming)
Oh, and since we're bearing all here,
I never really thought your cat was possessed.
I was just jealous because you loved her more than me.
You cold?
I painted the pentagram on the mirror,
I put the fake blood in the hallway
and I put the tongue in the bedroom.
You mean that wasn't Miss Rommel's tongue?
No buddy, it was a fake.
And a pretty good one too if I do say so myself.
Convinced the crap out of you.
Why?
'Cause I wanted to convince you to get rid of that cat.
Ever since you got her, I lost my wingman.
We used to party, we used to do things together.
So you did those things because
you wanted your wingman back?
Mostly, but then I realized there was something more.
What?
I realized that I didn't just want my wingman back.
I wanted my wingman...
In the back.
(Psycho theme music)
Are you gonna get that?
Are you trying to tell me that you're gay?
(Laurie screaming)
That's not me.
(dramatic sting)
And that's not me either.
[Publisher] So I guess that's when your love
affair with the therapist came to an abrupt end.
It was hard to see a future with her after that.
Well I guess it was pretty hard for
her to see anything after that because...
The eye.
So that's when you realized it
wasn't just Adam, your cat really
was possessed, only you still didn't
know who was possessing your cat right?
I was just looking for a miracle.
You have quite a collection of books.
Yeah.
I guess I'm a bit of a bibliophile.
What's a bibliophile?
(laughs)
It's Latin!
Biblio meaning books, phile meaning lover of.
It means lover of books.
[Blatty] I see you have a pet.
Yeah.
Her name's...
Angel.
(dramatic sting) (hissing)
I love pets.
Guess that makes me a pet-o-phile.
Well Father...
That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
I believe my pussy's possessed.
Have you ever performed an exorcism on a cat?
(dramatic sting)
(purring)
We cast you from our midst, oh unclean spirit.
All satanic powers.
All infernal invaders.
You think it will still work if I don't believe in God?
You don't believe in God?
Why do you believe in the devil if you don't believe in God?
I don't believe in the devil either.
(purring)
(hissing)
Ow!
So...
You wanna play rough, huh?
(growling)
(ominous humming)
Did you see that?
Cat hates holy water.
She's a cat.
Hush.
Leave us.
(Angel growling)
Please.
Try not to hurt her.
Be prepared.
This is gonna get ugly.
Here kitty.
Here kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty.
(growling)
(gasping)
[Blatty] Brother Damien, what is it?
Has the demon overtaken your voice?
(coughs)
Furball from Hell!
(coughs)
Furball from Hell.
(demonic hissing)
(growling)
(ominous humming)
Holy crap.
(suspenseful orchestra music)
Ow!
Open up!
Open the door! (screaming)
Come on, open up!
(heart beating)
(muttering gibberish)
We better go check on him.
But when you went back into the room
there was no sign of any of it.
No flying poop on the wall, no burning
bedsheets, no furball from Hell, nothing.
I was losing hope.
(knocking)
(disembodied gibberish)
Is your life empty and full of pain?
Actually yes.
Good.
I am here to help you find everlasting
salvation from eternal damnation.
Right now I have bigger problems.
Let us talk to you about the only book worth reading.
I'm sorry guys, you're wasting your...
I know karate.
You don't wanna touch that.
Rubbish.
Do you believe in the devil?
Why do you ask?
My cat.
I think she's possessed.
(laughter)
Aren't all cats possessed?
Silence!
This is no ordinary cat.
She attacked my ex-girlfriend,
turned her into a flesh decaying zombie.
So I hired a cat therapist, but she attacked her too.
Ripped her eye out.
So I tried to get her exorcized.
Your therapist?
No, my cat.
But she attacked two priests.
One evaporated into thin air.
The other ran away with a nasty gash on his chest.
I don't even wanna tell you what it said.
Pussy.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I just know the longer you two stay here,
the more likely she's going to get pretty mad.
(upbeat acoustic guitar music)
♪ I hate cats, I hate cats ♪
♪ I really really really hate cats ♪
♪ I hate cats, that's a natural fact ♪
♪ I like to grab them by the tail ♪
♪ Swing them like a bat, I hate... ♪
Silence, profaner of the blues.
Why you always pull the superiority card on me?
Do not question me!
You think your cat's bad?
Try hanging around with this guy.
He's a little tyrant!
Does this feline of yours have a name?
Angel.
(laughter)
Where is this Angel?
Down the hallway.
In the bedroom.
Wait.
I warn you.
If you go to her, she'll be most displeased.
Go!
Why do I always have to be the one?
Do not disobey me!
Fear not.
He who is with me, and I am with you.
It's just a cat.
(ominous atmosphere music)
(various animal noises)
(bird caws)
(ominous holy chanting)
(purring)
(growling)
(hissing)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(snoring)
Don't you believe in knocking?
I was worried about you.
What, this stuff will kill you.
I'll live.
Unfortunately.
Where's Angel?
Sleeping.
All right, watching this movie.
In the movie, this woman hires a
psychic medium to perform a seance,
trapping the evil spirit in a goat.
Then she kills the goat thereby
ridding herself of the evil spirit.
Adam, it was a movie.
[Adam] So?
Doesn't mean it's not true.
What makes you think this medium is
gonna succeed where two priests failed?
I don't know, maybe the spirit
you're dealing with isn't Catholic.
(dramatic ethereal music)
Find peace knowing there is no end.
Let The Medium help you.
Call 555-2368.
Sorry, I didn't get your name.
You may call me The Medium.
It's just such a strange profession, you know?
So where is this cat of yours?
(phone vibrates)
You know better than to call me when I'm with a client.
Well tell the meter maid I'll be out in a minute!
I gotta go.
So here she is.
Here's Angel.
I see.
Wait, where are you going?
You can't afford me.
How do you know?
We haven't even discussed price.
I'm a medium.
I sense these things.
(meowing)
You see, this is no ordinary spirit.
She has great power.
How much?
10,000.
I can't afford that.
I know.
(dramatic orchestral music)
(meowing)
Angel, I was just considering my options.
[Publisher] What stopped you?
My cat.
I couldn't leave her like that.
Even after everything she put you through?
I got the money!
What are you doing?
I was checking to see why it wasn't working.
Where'd you get all that dough?
I emptied out my bank account.
Seriously?
I don't know what to say.
I'll pay you back.
I know you will, buddy.
But for the time being I'll settle for a kiss.
On the cheek.
I didn't feel anything at all.
You know, maybe I'm not even gay.
Good.
Yeah, let's try it again, just to be on the safe side.
Mmm-mmm.
No?
Can't say I didn't try.
Well hopefully this medium knows what the hell she's doing.
I know.
She's my only hope.
You're a disgrace to your gypsy family.
Taking money from people?
You don't even believe in spirits or the afterlife.
He paid, I bring people closure.
What does it matter what I believe?
Just as long as they do.
Justifying, justifying, always justifying.
You mess with things you don't understand, you get hurt.
Who will protect you then, huh?
That's what I've got you here for, little sister.
(dramatic orchestral music)
What we are about to do here is very dangerous.
I have placed on the table objects to attract the spirit.
Objects of the spirit's own choosing.
This spirit has sacrificed everything for passion.
How do you know that?
Oh my sister is a very powerful medium too.
We come from a family of very powerful mediums.
I read her diary.
Yeah, let me get a read on this.
So can we get started here?
Because time is money.
What's with the goat?
Oh.
(baaing)
It's a ram.
We are going to try to transfer the
spirit from your cat into this goat.
You're fools.
You have no idea what you're dealing with.
This is a most powerful spirit, and a vengeful one.
Yeah yeah, we know, sister.
But thank you for those words of wisdom.
Now if you don't mind, I'm trying to run a business here.
We beseech you, spirit!
Speak to us!
Tell us who you are and what it is you desire.
How do we know if this is working?
Oh you'll know.
(loud thud)
(menacing laughter)
I warned you sister, you see?
You see what you're dealing with?
Do you wanna wait in the car?
Stinks like perfume in here.
It's Chaos.
Lisa used to wear that perfume.
(raspy breathing)
(wind howling)
Who has summoned me?
Who are you?
Rosemary Carrie.
Rosemary.
What do you want with me?
What I have always wanted.
You!
(thunder booms)
I don't even remember dating you.
That's because I cast a spell on you to
make you fall asleep and forget all about me.
But why?
So she could kidnap your cat while you slept.
She planned to poison it because she
thought that you would never love
her as long as the cat was alive.
How did you know all that?
It's in the diary.
You planned to poison Angel?
Yes, but I changed my mind because
I knew you would never love me just as me.
So instead I poisoned myself!
(laughs)
And I thought I was dramatic.
Silence!
(coughing)
But as I was laying there about to die,
I was careful to cast one last spell.
What spell?
One final spell to transfer my spirit into
the thing that you loved most of all in life.
Angel.
(dramatic sting)
(demonic laughter)
What a bitch.
I'm sorry, but I don't love you.
I barely know you.
No spell or manner of witchcraft is ever gonna change that.
(screaming)
What happened?
Her sadness has weakened her.
Rest, sister, rest.
I will summon her this time.
When the time is right we must expel the spirit
from the cat and into the goat as we planned.
I hope it works.
It'll work.
I saw it in a movie once.
Bring in the cat.
(ominous atmosphere music)
Whatever you do, don't let the cat out of the bag.
(meowing)
Now!
Careful!
Don't touch him!
Who would eat a live cat?
Shut up, gypsy bitch.
I don't want the cat.
I want you, and I will destroy anybody who comes in my way.
(gasping)
[Nick] Stop it!
You fool.
You killed my sister.
Now I will kill you!
My power defied death itself.
You think you're any match for me?
If I can't have you, nobody will.
Adam, no!
[Rosemary] Yes!
No!
Yes!
I'm in control of you, fool.
No you're not.
I am.
I'm tired of pretending to be somebody I'm not.
I'm not the downstairs neighbor,
I'm not the possessed possessive witch.
I'm just me!
(clock bell rings)
Adam!
[Rosemary] No!
(groaning)
I wasn't gonna let her hurt you.
You're not faking this one are you?
Ow!
Sorry.
Oh God.
You really are hurt.
I always wanted to be more than just
an extra or some secondary character.
This has brought meaning to my life.
I'm gonna come back stronger than ever.
Like Obi-Wan Kenobi.
This is not a movie, Adam.
This is real.
Oh my God, it is real.
You do care.
(laughing)
I guess I'm too much of a woman for them to handle.
Wouldn't you say?
Rosemary Carrie.
(dramatic sting)
I thought you were dead.
(laughs)
Is that any way to greet a lady?
♪ We come from down below, baby ♪
♪ We come from down below, we come from down below ♪
♪ We're crazy little kittens, that much we know ♪
♪ We come from down below, we come from down below ♪
♪ Where sexy as what sexy is from fur to toe ♪
♪ We come from down below, we come from down below ♪
♪ When we can, we screw the man to steal the show ♪
♪ We don't take any crap from all the boys in brass ♪
♪ We slice them and we dice them 'till we burn them back ♪
♪ We come from down below, where all inhabitants go ♪
♪ We're (mumbles) who play the games ♪
♪ Get burned, you know ♪
♪ We come from down below, we come from down below ♪
♪ Where sexy is what sexy is from fur to toe ♪
♪ I wasn't always (mumbles) or had a heart of gold ♪
♪ But once my life was ruined, my blood ran real cold ♪
(laughs)
I hate you.
Love is full of many emotions.
Hate is only one of them.
(dramatic orchestral meowing)
How poetic.
Your little kitten watches helplessly as you die.
Just as I was forced to watch you helplessly (mumbles).
Without my power your little Angel is powerless to save you.
Yes.
Oh baby.
Oh baby!
(screaming)
Back off, you wicked feline!
No!
[The Devil] You've defied me for way too long.
I've come for what is mine.
I'm coming to take your soul.
(screaming)
(fire alarm ringing)
It's okay Angel, it's over.
It's finally over.
(coughing)
(meowing)
All that, all that, because some
obsessive chick had a crush on you?
Some people are crazy.
It didn't help that she happened to be a witch
who, in her own way, loved me I guess.
Yeah, more like hated you.
Love is filled with many emotions.
Hate is only one of them.
I love that line.
And then there was Lisa.
Yes, Lisa.
Where were you, Lisa?
I waited by your place for like an hour.
[Lisa] Where are you?
I'm back at my place now.
I said to meet me at your place.
You're so silly.
You must've gotten a few furballs in the brain.
Or maybe you're suffering from,
what's that disease called, toxic plasma?
What took you so long?
You look normal.
Thanks.
I can make some coffee here if you want.
I just got back, I don't feel like walking out again.
At your place, now?
Sure, why not?
But your cat.
I told you, you have nothing to worry about now.
Right, you had her exorcized.
Something like that.
[Lisa] Is something wrong?
Strange.
Angel doesn't drink milk.
Oh?
What's strange about that?
It's just that there's milk in her bowl.
Well maybe she's trying to tell you something.
I'm sure a little milk wouldn't hurt her.
I hear milk is good for cats.
Hmmm.
Shit.
You all right?
Yeah.
Do you like milk in your coffee?
Yes please.
So where is your little brat?
I mean cat.
I told you, you have nothing to worry about.
No milk for you?
I like mine black.
You know, things will be better off once your cat is dead.
How could you say such a thing?
She is really a mean little kitty.
She really was possessed.
I know it's hard to believe, but look, even you.
You're better now.
The curse is lifted.
Things will be back to normal.
I promise.
I don't know what I'd do without my cat.
She's all I have left.
Losing Adam was hard.
I've suffered so much loss and tragedy lately.
The cops still don't know what happened to the medium.
Her sister still hasn't said a word since the incident.
At least I got a good lawyer.
I'm tired of people dying all around me.
(gagging)
Okay, so you're the only one to survive,
you're the only one who can backup this story.
[Nick] No.
The medium's sister survived.
Unfortunately.
(dramatic sting)
You.
I'm sorry.
I never meant your sister any harm.
I place a curse on you and your pesky
pussycat for what happened to my sister.
(thunder booms)
May all manner of demon, vermin
and beast, may all goblins, vampires and
ghouls haunt you and your troublesome cat.
May a thousand legions of hellspawn
seek thee out all the days of your life.
Wait 'till you and your cat suffer as my
sister and I have suffered until the end of time.
(screaming)
Angel, let's get out of here.
I'm sick of witches.
- They're here. - They're here.
(dramatic orchestral music)
Hey, do you know how to get to Hollywood?
Yeah, I was actually gonna take a bus there myself.
It's that way.
Who takes the bus in LA?
Do you want us to give you a ride?
Yeah, we can give you a ride.
Didn't your mother teach you not to pick up strangers?
It's okay, I can take the bus.
He doesn't look dangerous to me.
What's in the bag?
It's a cat.
It's only a cat.
- Awww. - Awww.
I love cats!
Me too.
Well I suppose we can make an exception this time.
Yes!
Come with us!
Come on!
Maybe my luck is finally changing.
Hey!
- Hi. - Hey.
You're very cute.
Hello, my little friend. (meows)
[Girls] Awww, cute cat!
I don't get it.
All this fuss over a little cat?
You're very cute.
[Girls] Awww.
Her name is Angel.
[Girls] Awww, cute name!
Can we pet your cat?
(girls screaming)
(slashing and hissing)
You don't believe me do you?
As your publisher, it doesn't matter what
I believe because I'm gonna make...
We're gonna make millions.
Millions on this.
Boom, out, over, rich!
Together.
Well we have to negotiate this.
I'll do a little better, I have a lot more,
I got kids in the house, what do you got?
You got nothing, you got a cat, what's that gonna cost?
Well it's getting late.
I better get going.
(purring)
She really is a cute cat.
You mind if I pet her?
(dramatic sting)
(rock music)
♪ Chainsaw kitty ♪
♪ I'm a chainsaw kitty ♪
♪ Chainsaw kitty ♪
♪ I'm a chainsaw kitty ♪
♪ Creeping down the corner ♪
♪ Chainsaw kitty ♪
♪ I'm a chainsaw kitty ♪
♪ My chainsaw slices away the fat ♪
♪ I wanna dine on something more ♪
♪ It's time to get another cat ♪
♪ That's why I'm scratching at your door ♪
♪ When are you gonna wake up ♪
♪ To the nightmare that's in store ♪
♪ Well I'm a chainsaw kitty ♪
♪ Chainsaw kitty ♪
♪ I'm a chainsaw kitty ♪
♪ I'm not like those other cats ♪
♪ My spirit looks for danger ♪
♪ No one can avoid my scratch ♪
♪ My claws are like ten razors ♪
♪ I'm not like those other cats ♪
♪ 'Cause my spirit looks for danger ♪
♪ No one can avoid my scratch ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm a chainsaw kitty ♪
♪ I wanna dine on something more ♪
♪ It's time to get another cat ♪
♪ That's why I'm scratching at your door ♪
♪ When are you gonna wake up ♪
♪ To the nightmare that's in store ♪
♪ When are you gonna wake up ♪
♪ To the nightmare that's in store ♪
♪ Chainsaw kitty ♪
♪ Meow ♪
♪ I'm the kitty with a chainsaw ♪
♪ Meow ♪
♪ I am the kitty ♪
♪ Chainsaw kitty ♪
♪ Meow ♪
♪ Chainsaw kitty ♪
♪ I am the kitty with a chainsaw ♪
♪ Chainsaw kitty ♪
♪ Meow ♪
♪ Chainsaw kitty ♪
♪ I am the kitty with a chainsaw ♪
(dramatic orchestral music) (chanting meows)