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Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Forrest Shaw.
All right.
Okay.
Settle down.
That's enough. That's enough.
I feel...
I feel like that might not have been sincere,
but I appreciate it.
For those that aren't here, we're in Florida.
We're literally...
Literally hurricane Matthew is hitting right now.
We're shooting this special...
- Man: All right, cool. - Yeah, yeah.
Everyone else in the country is concerned.
Everyone's that's texting me from around the...
"Are you guys... Is it okay, the hurricane?"
I'm like, "Yeah, and we don't give a shit here."
Right, that's...
This is why people think Florida is just a fucked up state.
It is, but I mean,
it's just a little bit different here.
You know, that's the... It's the thing.
And trust me, I defend Florida wherever I go because I'm from here,
and it's like the punchline of the country.
You know, did you see what happened in Florida?
Another guy ate another guys face.
Yeah, I know it happened again.
I know crazy stuff happens here,
but let's not act like crazy shit doesn't happen
everywhere in the country.
When I first moved to California,
one of the first things I saw
were two people middle of the day having sex
on a sidewalk at a bus stop
while people just stepped over out of the bus to get on 'em.
There was like 25 people with their phones filming it.
Yeah, you know what? The next day I didn't see that online anywhere.
I didn't read it anywhere.
I just have to assume in Florida we have better journalists
than the rest of the country.
We're reporting on stories people want to hear, right?
Economy. Fuck that. We don't wanna hear about that.
We wanna hear about the guy that hid cocaine in his ass.
You know, that's...
I know crazy shit happens here,
but I just have to feel like I have to defend it.
One of my favorite stories is the guy that got busted for child pornography
and then he said, Oh, I didn't do that.
Ah, what happens is when I'm away from home
my cat walks on my keyboard.
And then I came home and there was...
It sounds crazy, I know, but I used to have a parrot
that had and online gambling problem.
So I feel like that bird lost me a lot of money right there.
My favorite from story from Florida though is, uh,
there was a guy that almost got his hand bit off by an alligator
and so then he captured the alligator
and he wrapped it up in duct tape
and threw it in his bathtub and then as revenge,
repeatedly had sex with it.
It was bad, yes, I know. He's in jail so that's okay.
But even worse, even worse
is the alligator had to go back to the swamp and you know,
the other gators were asking questions, right, like,
"Hey man, where have you been? We haven't seen you for awhile."
He's like, "Why? What've you heard?"
It's not true whatever you heard.
I was visiting relatives on the other side of the everglades.
"That's where I was at."
"Oh, 'cause we heard you got deep dicked by a redneck.
That's what blowing through these here raids of sawgrass."
I have a cat. She's really old. She just turned 16.
Um, had to take her to the vet. I spent $800 on her.
So she was about $200 away from dying.
That's pretty really close.
Yeah. That's all I had on my credit card.
I don't want to have that awkward conversation at the vets office.
You know.
Sorry, Mr. Shaw, but your pets life has been declined.
Shit.
Run it again. That's it though.
Man, if you have a pet you know you do that math though.
You're sitting at the vets office
and you figure out how old they are divided by how many times
they took a shit on your pillow.
You know, that's how much money you spend on them.
You know, you just want for a moment for your animal
to realize what the concept of money is, you know,
just come out for a second, chest bump you like,
"Thanks a lot. I appreciate...
I'm gonna eat Ramen noodles for two weeks."
But that's not what my cat did.
I took her home and she pissed on a shirt.
That's how she thanked me.
You know, I don't know a lot of you in here,
but if I spent $800 on you,
you'd at least tag me in a Facebook pose,
you know, a nice emoji text,
thumbs up, kidney kidney, appreciate the...
So she's old, I'm on the road a lot
and I want to travel with her now,
so I just made her into a service cat.
Uh, yeah, she doesn't do anything if you're wondering.
She has no skillset. She has the skillset of a dance mom.
She just yells about shit a lot, you know, like,
"Hurry up, scoop my litter box. Gotta get to jazz tap."
Something like that I imagine.
If you crack a door open a little bit,
she can get her paw in there and then just
wedge her head in there and just, gah, gah, gah,
service cat, get her a vest.
Shouldn't have to do anything 'cause I'm sure you're aware of this.
There's a lot of bullshit service animals
in the world right now.
I don't know if you've been on an airplane recently.
You still can't get a bottle of water through security,
but you can get an untrained German Shepherd
that's gonna take a nervous shit at 35,000 feet
'cause I don't like the bumpies.
That's it.
I'm not talking about guide dogs and I'm not talking about
animals that help you when you're disabled.
There's a whole nother category called "emotional support"
and it was started like, for instance,
returning war veterans with PTSD.
They give them a trained animal that helps them deal with
what they gotta deal with.
But emotional support, it's very broad.
This is what I checked off for my cat.
Stressed-out.
Who the fuck's not stressed out?
Yeah, I'm having a tough week at work.
Uh, don't worry, I'm getting a mulgy.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Mr. Noodles comes in on Monday. No eye contact.
They're biters. Not trained yet.
Straight out of the jungle. Yeah, that's...
Rip your face clean off.
Might throw some shit in your cubicle.
You might wanna wear a hat this week so.
Yeah, I was sitting next to a woman on an airplane
that had an overweight pug missing a leg
that had a vest cable tied around it.
I was pretty sure that wasn't a working animal right there.
That bread has sleep apnea to begin with.
So I don't know how it's gonna help you
with the cutest little CPAP on ever, right.
So I asked her I go, "All right, what's the pug do?"
And she's like, "You got me."
That's what she said, "You got me."
"Not much. I mean, sometimes I get sad"
and then I bring the dog with me,
"and then I'm not sad."
Yeah, yeah, that's why we all have pets.
Uh, nobody has a dog that's crippling their self-esteem.
You know, that's just, you don't go to the pound,
"I want an animal, but I want one that's gonna make me feel fat,"
if you have that back there, like racoon or sugar glider
or something weird, I don't care what it is,
I just want it to sit in the corner and shake its head
"while I eat a doughnut, can you make it do that?"
70 bucks. It's all you need.
You go online, they'll send you a kit, and then you
can start annoying people with your untrained beast.
It doesn't just have to be dogs. Here was the list.
Dogs, cats, birds,
uh, snakes... Snakes were on the list.
I don't know how you're gonna keep a vest on a snake.
That's gonna be tough.
Maybe you cut some eye holes out of a condom,
roll it on there, get a Sharpe write, "Service."
You gotta identify it. That's part of the program.
Otherwise, you just have a boa with a rubber on it.
That's weird.
A service snake is crazy. Right, we can all agree on that.
Like what if you go in a bar and you're afraid of snakes
and they there's just some guy there with a mesh tank top on
with a service snake, you know, just hanging out.
Now you gotta bring in your service falcon.
You know, somebody else has to bring in a service mongoose.
It's not gonna end.
Emotional support. It's very broad.
People need these animals.
So let's let 'em have 'em and then everybody else...
'Cause you can say you need anything for emotional support, right?
For me, two things. Mainly I could say, you know, food.
Obviously, you can take a look at me.
That's a crutch in my life.
I'm alone a lot on the road in hotels.
So, you know, porn. That's another one.
I know you don't wanna hear that.
But those are the facts, right?
Yeah, but food's acceptable in a social setting.
But porn, you know,
I'm gonna have to register my laptop as a service computer.
You know, I can just get a little vest, bring it out to an Olive Garden.
"Sir, that's wildly inappropriate."
"I know, but I have anxiety. So, uh..."
I'm gonna go in this booth for about five minutes.
You might want to cover up your mozzarella sticks with a napkin.
"Shield the kids eyes, that's the splash zone right there."
That's what I call that.
So I was looking at some photos the other day.
Remember that, when we used to print up actual photographs?
We don't do that anymore so.
I had an old box full of 'em and I took 'em out
and I spread a bunch of 'em on the floor in front of me,
like I was solving a murder or something.
All the pieces are here. Figure it out.
Yeah, so I came across a couple photos of me
at a time in my life when I was doing a lot of drugs
- and, um...
Yeah, I look great. You know, I really...
look a lot healthier than I do now.
And I stopped doing drugs I feel like,
I feel like that's been the missing ingredient in my diet this whole time.
Less meatballs, more meth. You don't see that a lot...
in men's health magazines, but I feel like...
Seriously, it's like a physical of me now verse then.
I'm not saying drugs are good for you.
I'm just saying,
I'm saying some drugs are probably better for you than some foods, right?
Yeah, like you can do heroine a half dozen times.
You'll probably be okay.
Try shooting up Ranch dressing see what happens, right?
These are facts.
Facts. Sugar, that's a drug.
Is everybody aware of that?
I saw a documentary.
On Netflix, that's what they said.
They said, sugar is eight times more addictive than crack.
However, it's exponentially more difficult
to get a blow job for a Butterfinger.
So don't try that.
It's easy to get sugar, right? That's the problem.
It's hard to get drugs.
You can get a candy bar at a hardware store for some reason.
Why is that an option?
Has anyone ever needed a bolt cutter and a Snickers bar at the same time?
I need some Twizzlers and some wood.
Just make it harder.
Make it harder to get food that's bad for you
as it is drugs and you'd eat less.
You know, like if it was this hard to get pizza as it is cocaine,
you know, like you'd still eat pizza.
Don't get me wrong, but just...
Only on the weekends with people you trust.
Not gonna invite that one guy who always eats half the pizza.
I got no money this week, but next week pizza...
Yeah, yeah, you say that every week, asshole.
Just start rubbing tomato sauce on your gums.
Oh, yeah, that's a good...
Yeah, that's a hundred percent Papa Johns right there.
That's not that stepped on Little Caesars crap
you tried to bring here last week.
You a cop?
Be out at dinner with some people, right,
"Hey, you notice those three guys have gotten up together"
to use the bathroom a couple times?
You think they're doing pizza in there?
He had some cheese in his beard.
"I was wondering. You can see it plain as day."
I don't know, man. It's just...
it's tough for me.
I just... I'm a very addictive personality, you know.
It's tough to eat right.
They'll put put calories on menus now, right.
That doesn't help anybody at all.
That just makes you feel shittier
about what you're gonna eat.
You know, it's like, "Yeah, I guess I'm eating 3,000 calories."
I might as well blow my brains out at this point.
They should put the exercises you have to do next to the food
and you'd eat less, right?
"Yeah, I'd like to get a seven layer burrito."
"All right, sir, you have to get on the StairMaster back there"
for five hours.
"Bring back a stamped receipt then we can legally serve it to you."
That's the only way.
"Uh, no, I'm drunk. I don't wanna do that."
I just wanna sit in this chair.
"What can I eat if I sit in this chair, uh, hot sauce packets?"
That's all we can give you.
We don't make the laws.
A lot of fat jokes tonight, guys, all right?
This is where I'm at.
Uh. No, this is just... This is what you gotta...
Look, all black. That's slimming, right?
A jacket? We're here in Miami. I'm not cold.
This is called covering up flaws.
That's what you do. Couple flaps of cloth.
It does a world of wonders.
Yeah, I've lived in L.A. now about three years,
and I've developed a condition known as, uh, "Taco Tits."
So that's not a...
I call this one Carne Asada, this one Poquito.
It's a little bit smaller for some reason.
- Lot of food trucks. - Man: Oh my Lord.
Hah. It's not a good body under here.
If Jason Bourne had my body,
the government would stop looking for him. You know, that's why...
He's only a threat to himself.
He has, uh, three to five days to live.
Just put that folder back in the cabinet.
Man: Oh my Lord.
The problem is that, uh, all food's legal, for me at least.
It's all legal, right?
Anyone in here, you can go and order 20 cheeseburgers
at any place that sells cheese, they'll just give them to you.
They're not gonna take your blood pressure, check your cholesterol.
Just give you...
I go to McDonalds right now
and order like 80 chicken nuggets
and I could tell the person I'm gonna eat all of these,
just, you know, I'm gonna pull around to the front of your store,
take my shirt off,
I'm gonna dump a bunch of barbeque sauce
right between my taco tits, right here.
I'm just gonna eat 'em all 'cause it's legal, that's why.
Fuck you guys, right.
If you're gonna do that, wear your seatbelt though. That's against the law.
So you gotta be extra... Safety first.
Oreo's, Deep Fried Oreo's. That's legal food.
Someone just made that up.
They didn't have to get like that checked by...
That just... yeah. You ever had those?
Deep Fried... like, yeah, that's...
Oreo's are already bad and then they make 'em way worse.
They deep fry 'em, they drizzle some chocolate on 'em,
sprinkled some powdered sugar,
they, you know, flung some Crisco
and stuck a cigarette in it.
It's like really bad.
You can just get as many of those as you want.
I don't know.
I'm in bad shape, though, guys.
I went to the doctor and, uh,
she told me I have, uh, prediabetes.
That's not the punchline, but thanks for laughing at that.
Prediabetes. I didn't know what that meant,
so I asked her and she goes,
"Okay well, that means that you could get diabetes."
I was like, "All right, well, that means, uh",
everybody had prediabetes.
Unless I got postdiabetes, that's a bad one right there.
"I don't want that one."
Hey, guess what else I have. Prebroken leg.
Don't worry about that.
That seems to be... That seems to be okay.
No X-rays necessary on that one.
I'm gonna have trouble paying you
'cause I'm a pre millionaire as well so, uh,
let's split this one, all right?
Don't tell me what I might have. Tell me what I have.
Let's work on those problems.
I've got issues.
For sure I have, uh, acid reflux... heartburn, uh.
I don't do anything about it.
Nothing. I don't eat better.
I just carry around a pack of Tums.
I can feel 'em right here. It's like... hahah...
It's like my life jacket, right here.
It's like the ring in "Lord of the Rings."
I'm rubbing it right now like, "Precious.
Precious Tums."
It's my fat boy mints. It's what I call those.
That's your body's natural way of saying,
"Hey, uh, hey, maybe today we shouldn't have the pepper"...
"Shut the fuck up, stomach. I know what I'm talking about."
Give me some wings, a beer, and a medicated Lifesaver.
"We're doing this either way, so get on board."
So I'm pretty sure... no, for certain I have that.
I'm pretty sure I have sleep apnea.
I don't know for certain 'cause I don't have anybody laying next to me at night
to tell me that I am dying, but I'm pretty sure that's...
That's a disease you eat your way into right there.
Not always, but generally, generally, sleep apnea means
you're overweight and then you hold your breathe when you sleep.
Which I don't know how out of shape you have to be
to need a break during sleep, but that is really bad.
That's, that's the least amount of activity your body can do.
And it can't do it anymore.
That's the point you've gotten to.
Your body has just decided to kill itself.
That's the point you've gotten to.
All right, rollover, fatty.
Put your face in the pillow right now.
We're gonna, we're gonna start with the stutter breathe.
Get in there now.
We're the fattest animal. Did you guys know that?
I just made it up, but it sounds right, right?
You had time to mull it over, think about it,
nobody yelled anything out.
Fattest animals. Sad, sack, sloppy, you know?
That's...
Let's just start saying overweight, though.
That's what I should start saying. Not fattest.
'Cause I keep saying that and then at one show
a woman yelled out, "Whales!"
What about whales? Whales are fat."
She was fat shaming whales.
She thought every picture of every whale she had ever seen
was just an obese out of shape whale.
And there was other whales out there swimming around the ocean
with 24 pack abs, you know, and doing CrossFit.
Fat whales sounds like a conspiracy theory of some sort
that somebody would come up with.
You know, they're like,
"Yeah, yeah, I'll tell you why the sea level's rising."
It ain't climate change.
It's these fat-ass whales. That's what's happening.
You got liberals like Al Gore feeding 'em grilled cheesecake,
they're getting fatter.
Ocean level's rising.
Don't think we don't see you too, manatees.
"We know what's going on there."
Overweight. That's the term we gotta use.
Most over... the only other animals that are overweight
are the ones that live around us, right?
Like your pets.
Somebody here has a fat pet.
Or you know somebody with a pet
that you walk in their house and you're like,
"Wow, I didn't know cats came in that shape.
That's, uh... that's"...
They never take responsibility for it either, right?
They just blame it on the animal.
They'll say, "I don't know. His metabolism"
is eating a lot of weird shit."
I'm pretty sure you're feeding it too much.
I think that is the number one answer...
I've never seen a cat at a drive-thru at three in the morning
just hanging out in line with the cars.
They're like, "Sir, you gotta be in the vehicle."
We're not gonna serve you if you're not in a vehicle."
"I got apple pay."
Look it up.
Dogs eating ice cream. Put that on YouTube.
Way too many videos.
Yeah, just video after video of dogs eating ice cream
and the owners are just incredulous like,
"God, he's eating the ice cream. Can you believe he's...?"
Yeah well, I mean, he eats his own shit.
So I'm pretty sure that, uh, cream and sugar's on the menu.
That's not a weird...
Just, you know, all around bullshit food.
Racoons. Fat racoons, right.
One day they're eating fish, living their life,
and then they accidentally wonder in someone's yard,
get into a trash can, they find a cheese steak,
they're just chasing the dragon the rest of their life.
You know, it's just, "Another one in here somewhere."
All right, 30 diapers. We struck out on this one.
"Go next door. They had lasagna last week."
Stop giving, you know, food and...
Imagine if animals did all the drugs we did, too.
I mean, just, like if tigers knew about cocaine,
they'd leave their kids by a river or something weird.
Right, just be snorting a line,
just talking about gazelles they killed.
"Man, five gazelles, one hour.
No one's ever done it."
Balls shrinking and stuff.
So the drug thing's true. Yeah, I used to...
I looked great when I was doing the drugs,
and you stop doing 'em.
That's what happens. You get older.
Yeah, some people are nodding their heads.
You know what I'm talking about.
Like I still wanna do a lot of drugs.
I'm just... I'm just too tired to do them.
Does that make sense?
"You're maturing." "No, I'm exhausted." That's the issue.
Like I can't go on a two-day bender with you.
I gotta get stamps. I gotta iron my jeans.
That's some old man shit right there.
When you start ironing your jeans, stop doing drugs.
That's the... that's the tipping point right there.
I don't know.
I don't know what the... the whole war on drugs is ridiculous,
that we're still at war with drugs.
I can't believe that, right?
It's like a huge waste of money.
You know everyone complains about the government wasting money.
War on drugs, we've been at that for like 30-plus years,
and, you know, we're America, we like to win wars.
We're not gonna win that war so.
We should get out of that, right?
I'll tell why we're not gonna win it.
If you're 16-years-old there's not a lot to do
in this country, that's the problem.
I mean, you're gonna go to an ice cream social?
Or are you gonna eat mushrooms and laugh
'cause your friend looks like a bear?
"Get over here, Mr. Grizzly. Come on, let's take a selfie.
No ones gonna believe I was partying with a bear."
Hah.
Ah, this is Florida,
for those at home that don't know where we're at.
By the time this airs I feel like medical marijuana will be legal here finally,
- and that's...
- Yeah. - Man: Marijuana!
A lot of sick people here that need it?
- That's...
- a lot of ailments. - Man: Anxiety.
Anxiety, yeah, that'll help.
I've never wigged out on pot before. That's like...
Okay. All right.
Yeah, I just... the whole...
I feel like, you know, the medical marijuana thing.
I don't know how it's not legal everywhere at this point.
It doesn't make any sense.
Because it's a drug, I mean, if you know somebody
that is like a cancer patient or somebody in pain.
You know that it helps 'em.
You know that they've proven that. It's a medicine.
And now we're voting on a medicine.
I don't remember voting on Oxycontin or Valium.
They just made that shit legal.
There's no rallies for Lipitor or anything like that.
Just kicking a hacky sack around.
Let's make an omelet in this bitch.
Come on, put us some shrimp in it.
I did like a half dozen shows at medical marijuana rallies.
That's really where the problem is.
That's why it hasn't become legal.
Because people don't take that shit seriously.
You know, it's always just a bunch of jam bands and gyro stands.
You know, there's not a lot of legislation being passed
or anything.
I've never been to a pharmaceutical convention,
but I imagine it's very organized, right?
It's together, right? It's in a Marriott somewhere.
There's PowerPoint presentations going on.
They're in suits and ties,
they're giving out fishing trips and pens.
And every pot rally I've ever been to
just starts off with some random guy
in a tie dyed stumbling onstage like,
"Hey everybody, check it out. I made a bong out of a clarinet.
Yeah, instructions to follow."
"Hey, take a look at this pie chart."
Uh, that is an actual pie. Billy's mom baked that.
We're hungry as shit here.
"Divvy that up."
It's good intentions. Don't get me wrong.
Like 'cause there's always a guy that wrote a speech
and, uh, but that day he decided to eat a pot brownie.
Uh, so he lost his speech. He's gonna wing it.
That's a good idea when you're high so.
He's just up there struggling, tripping out, you know?
It's like, ah, glaucoma something with that,
um, itchy clothing.
It always ends the same way with the worst argument ever.
Don't use this argument if you're pro pot.
"It's from the earth."
Right, I mean, why would God have put it here
if he didn't want us to smoke it?
"It is from the earth."
I just wanna be like, "Yeah, excuse me."
Uh yeah, everything's from the earth.
I didn't know if you knew that or not.
We didn't get a shipment in from Mars.
I don't know if you're gonna start smoking arsenic,
or do a bong hit of lava.
"Let's settle that little argument right there."
Get Sanjay Gupta down here. He's got a tie.
He did two documentaries on it. It's gotta be true.
You know who I'll be happy for once it's completely legal?
Are the people that own the head shops.
You know the paraphernalia stores that sell all the stuff for pot.
But just 'cause then they can finally be themselves.
You know?
'Cause they can't... Everything in the stores for pot
and they can't like admit that.
They have to pretend like it's...
"Oh yeah, this thing with the...?"
Oh yeah, that six foot glass bong with the.
"Game of Thrones" theme on it right there.
That's for flavored tobacco right there.
And if you mention pot in this store,
I will throw you out right now.
We also have scales for weighing jewelry.
If you're into that, and, uh,
we got, uh, shaving cream can with a false bottom.
Put your house key on it, front porch, totally believable.
No one will know. Very discreet.
And then there's a Tony Montana shirt behind it with a weed leaf
for some reason.
It's like he didn't even smoke pot.
I'm pretty sure that shirt exists.
Nah.
Uh, if you do drugs be careful.
'Cause I don't know if you've seen a show "Lock Up." You ever seen that show?
It's on rerun now, but they bring the cameras inside of the prison
and they show you around and they scare you
so you don't think bad for like two weeks.
Not everybody but it's over 50% of the people in there
they are drug offenders.
And the average sentence for a drug offender
is longer than everything except murder, everything.
Burglary, aggravated assault, sexual assault.
It's messed up, right?
That's why if you ever get pulled over and you have drugs in your car,
you know, you should just rape the cop.
You're saving jail time, all right?
Just bend him over the cruiser, take 'em with the night stick...
Whatever term you wanna use...
You're gonna have great street credit when you get to prison.
Like, "What you rob, a bank?" "Yeah, fucked a cop."
So, uh, guess who gets bottom bunk.
Get outta there. Get me some cigarettes.
I'm running this cellblock now.
I'm running it.
So that's that. All the run stuff's bad for you, though, right?
Food, drugs, alcohol.
Everybody's drinking tonight, right?
Okay.
I like drinking, you know, I don't...
I don't like, uh, I don't like people that drink tough.
There's a lot of bad drinkers out there, right?
- Man: Yep. - Probably one here in the corner.
All right, yeah, that's what I thought.
Doesn't pay attention. All right.
Yeah, that's the problem with bad drinkers though
is there's no, uh, there's no penalty for 'em.
They just wake up the next morning, they do it all over again.
They're just assholes, right?
There should be. I have a solution.
Is we license everybody to drink, right?
You don't have to take a test.
You turn 21, you get a drinking license.
Then you can lose that drinking license the same way
you can your drivers license
if you don't, you know, drink properly.
All right, not popular. All right, that's, uh...
You need a license to fish.
You guys are aware of that, right?
To catch a bass you need a license.
If you order eight shots of Jager, I feel like
there should be some paperwork involved, right?
Hand that over. You should have to look at
their drinking history for a minute like,
"All right, it says here five years ago,"
you masturbated in a bar window.
Yeah, it's on the list. I don't need to look at that.
"You're not allowed to drink tonight."
It's like a point system, right? I have it all worked out.
It's like a point system that...
Here's what I have so far for the drinking license.
Um, if you're in a bar and you just go, "Woo-hoo!"
That's a warning right there, right?
Whatever's going on in your head, shut that down right now.
You wanna throw a dart at the back of somebody's leg,
that's not funny, all right?
You vomit in a friends car, three points on your drinking license.
You take a shit in public, immediate suspension of your license.
You gotta take a year off, regroup, get an instructor.
You can't just do that in a parking lot.
You're not allowed, right.
Makes a little sense now, right?
'Cause right now there's nothing.
There's nothing to stop you if you're a bad drinker. Nothing.
The one thing you can do, you can get a DUI.
But if you get a DUI, they take away your driver's license,
but, you know, you can still drink.
That doesn't make sense now that I said that out loud, right?
Hey, no more drive... You know what?
Keep drinking though. You're really good at it.
You blew a .23 you should be dead.
You're like an expert.
Yeah, put a beer in a bag, piss on some doorsteps.
That's all we want.
Ride a bike to work. That'll help your self-esteem.
Nah, you just take the drinking license, you let 'em drive.
Red Light cameras. Nobody likes those, right?
Okay.
Okay, but you take that same technology put it in a bar
and then if you were hitting on somebody you normally wouldn't hit on sober,
you get a ticket in the mail, right?
Just a picture of you. Look who you almost fucked.
Look at that.
That's a stool. You tried to have sex with a stool for some reason.
Eight points on your license.
Get some tweezers.
Yeah, I don't know if it would stop drunk driving though.
That's the thing.
'Cause nobody really wants to drink and drive, right?
Nobody ever starts off the night,
"Let's get drunk and hit a dude on a bike."
No one ever says that, but it happens, right?
You know why? 'Cause when you're sober
you're making good decisions.
When you drink your decision making goes out the window.
Yeah, when I'm sober. I'm like, "Yeah, I don't drink and drive."
Ten beers later, you know, I'm eating a taco out of a trash can or something.
You know, like car keys have lost priority at that point.
Don't drink and drive. I drink a bunch of Tequila
and now I'm getting a blow job from some lady
with an Adam's apple, I'm like, "All right."
Ma'am, sir, if you can put on a turtleneck or a scarf
that'd be great, I'm okay with this,
"but I just need some visual aids."
All right.
Some people don't like to kid around about that, drunk driving's.
Yeah, it's a serious thing, though, I understand.
Sometimes people get killed by a drunk driver
and then you see it on the news or read it online.
They interview the family of the neighbors and the friends
and it's like always a good person.
And then you're just like, "Yeah, that sucks."
You gotta think just once and awhile though.
There's gotta be a case where a drunk driver
gets it right and kill a dickhead, right?
They'd be interviewing the neighbors and the friends and family and by like,
"Yeah, he was, uh, he was sort of a prick actually."
We feel, uh, we feel really good about it around here.
He, uh, he kicked my dog last week.
We were gonna cut his brake lines anyway.
It was sort of a godsend.
So, uh, pretty much my whole life has been a series of poor decisions.
Okay, not the joke again.
That's the difference between a motivational speaker and a comedian basically.
Tony Robbins made all the right decisions
and then, you know, I'm up here talking about it.
"I fucking don't process food correctly,
and I did a lot of drugs."
I don't know why that is though, man, I just...
I made like a series of just shitty decisions.
Like my mom did a really good job raising me.
I just... some other things, you know, that I'm not sure.
You know, I can blame my dad.
He wasn't around at all, like ever.
I'm not trying to make it sad. I'm just... facts.
That's how I know I'm not famous yet.
He hasn't tried to contact me directly.
You know, ask for money or anything.
Literally last time I saw my dad I was probably like 12.
It was around Christmas and it was like the first Christmas
where I had money to buy gifts.
Do you remember that when you're a kid
and you thought about your bullshit chores
and you're like, "I wanna feel like an adult.
I'm gonna get some gifts this year."
And they were shitty gifts 'cause you had probably like
$21 to spend.
But there was a thought there that's probably better
than anyone, you know, than an adult would give you.
So they were appreciated.
You know, like my mom... My mom likes sailing
so I got her a Velcro wallet with sailboats on it.
I know. She probably didn't use that.
My grandmother liked to cook. So I got her a wok.
I mean, she wasn't Asian, but I like stir-fry.
It was on sale so that's. Hook it up.
And then my mom was like, "We're gonna see your dad.
Do you wanna get him a gift."
But like I know you people better than I know my dad.
So I didn't know what to,
you know, I didn't have any thought process there.
So I was like, all right, and I just pointed at the first thing I saw in the store
and it was steel wool.
You know what that is?
It's a shitty gift. That's what that is.
That's not a good gift for a son to give to a dad
unless he's a dishwasher or a carpenter or something.
Which he wasn't.
That's like literally the number one gift
that you give a deadbeat dad.
He'd be like at the Deadbeat Dad Olympics, top podium,
holding onto a piece of steel wool singing his anthem,
♪ Cats in the cradle and the silver spoon... ♪
Yeah.
So my mom and him were divorced and she, uh,
you know, she's trying to be a good parent
and not show how much distaste she had for my father,
but... so she goes, "Are you sure that's what you wanna get him?"
But I know inside she was like, "Let's wrap that shit up right now."
That's, that's a great gift."
And here's what my mom did to get over at my dad a little bit.
She put it like in progressively larger boxes,
you know, just like a Russian nesting doll
until it just got this big and I walked in with a giant gift,
like a little kid like, "Hey dad." He's like, "Oh shit.
I didn't expect to get that big of a gift.
And then he just unwrapping them all... unwrapping
till he got to the final box,
and it's just a six pack of Brillo right there.
Yeah, that means you're a shitty dad.
I didn't say that but I think the message was sent there.
So maybe that's it. I don't know.
I did a lot of drugs when I was young.
I shoulda died a bunch of times.
Yeah, Ketamine.
They're using that to treat depression now.
That's not what we used it for, but okay that's...
GHB. We did that on purpose.
That's known as the date rape drug now.
But that's not what it was known as back then.
You know, things change.
You know, things start one way,
and then they go through some sort of transformation.
Sometimes they get a little seedy.
You know, I remember when a massage just meant
you were going to get, you know, your back worked on.
And now you gotta specify that, right?
That's a tough job, massage therapy.
That's the only job where you have to tell somebody
whether they're getting jerked off at the end or not.
You can never be getting your taxes done like,
"This is all about deductions,
you know, there's no hand jobs at the end of this right?"
So that's what happened.
GHB, it's a natural occurring
like, you know, chemical in your body
and it's started off as a workout supplement.
People would take like a capful of GHB,
they'd workout, take a capful of GHB
and then they'd pass out.
They'd go into a really shallow breathing state and almost be un...
You know, almost dead,
and then they'd wake up and like ready to go workout again.
And then somebody figured out if you took a little bit less
it was like fun. It was like taking ecstasy.
You'd dance, you'd party and then some Russian guys...
That's what I assume... figured out that if you put it in women's drinks,
you could take advantage of 'em.
So that's, that's the difference.
That's the difference if you're doing drugs that you decide to take
versus somebody giving it to 'em and you not knowing, you know?
I mean, the best analogy I can come up with is if you just had to get up early
so you set your alarm for five a.m. and you knew
they were gonna have to wake up at that hour
versus somebody sneaking in your house and then waking you up
by raping you.
I feel like that's the best analogy so.
Big difference there so.
So we did this on purpose, and here's...
This is why poor decisions.
I'm telling you like I shoulda died a million times.
One weekend we were up like the whole weekend
and then one of our friends suggested,
"Hey, we should do like a cap of G and then pass out."
And we did that, but we also decided to go snorkeling.
And I don't know if you were paying attention,
uh, the GHB makes you almost stop breathing
and snorkeling pretty much breathing.
That's what that exercise is.
But I'm alive, I'm here. I don't know how that happened,
but good day of snorkeling, let me tell you, man,
this one fish was looking at me like she wanted to...
Okay, that's not how it was, but that's...
Good thing I'm alive, though, that would be a bad way to die.
They'd scoop me up off the reef and be like,
"Well, uh, we don't know how he died,
but we do know he was raped earlier so that's, uh"...
So that's it. I don't know.
Maybe I... maybe I just didn't have religion in my life.
I don't know if people are religious here.
I was not religious.
One summer we went to church camp, I was like,
"That's it, God. This is your opportunity. Convert me right now."
I've been raised as a heathen.
And so we got on this bus and we went to church camp in Lakeland, Florida,
and this is what they decided to do.
Uh, first thing out of the gate they got us into an auditorium
and then, um, the minister's son or the...
I don't know which ones can have sex, the, you know,
not with kids, with women, you know what I'm talking about?
But that's, uh...
Hah-hah, all right.
But whichever one, I think it was the minister's son,
he got up there A cappella with the microphone,
and this is how they decided to try and convert us.
This started off...
♪ Jesus, Jesus, rocks you, rocks you ♪
♪ Jesus, Jesus, rocks you... ♪
All right, I'm out, Jesus. I gave you a shot, all right, just start up the bus.
Get me back on there.
I'm pretty sure Freddie Mercury wouldn't be allowed at this church camp
right here so.
It's a weird choice of songs.
We're in Florida. This is where Jesus lives.
I don't know if you know that or not.
In Orlando there's a religious theme park called Holy Land.
- Man: Yep. - Holy Land Experience.
Jesus is there.
They crucify him three times a day.
It's in the brochure.
I swear to Allah.
I'm sure it's a great theme park. It's in Orlando.
All the best theme parks are there.
You go in, there's probably a locust exhibit
and you get to stone somebody to death at the end.
I'm just saying if you go, I'm just saying if you go to the Holy Land Experience,
don't bring your kids.
They don't wanna go to Orlando to meet Jesus.
They wanna...
And they might have a good time, but they're gonna have to stay
in the same hotel with all the other kids,
you know, with the mouse ears on and Hulk shirts,
and they're just standing there with a robe on
and a fake Moses beard like,
"All right, this sucks. This crown of thorns hurts."
"It's supposed to, all right?
If you don't bleed, we're not going to IHOP."
I don't know. It seems like it might be fun to be religious.
I don't know. I'm just not.
That's how it is. I try.
I travel a lot so sometimes I listen...
Sometimes you don't get any radio stations.
I listen to AM radio and occasionally prayer hour will come on.
You know what that is?
It's like people call in with prayers
and then they say 'em over the radio
and then everybody prays for 'em,
power of positive thinking, you know, whatever.
Which is a good idea.
But one time when I was driving through New Mexico
I don't think they had a good screener for the prayers
'cause there was a lot of shitty prayers that got through on this.
There was some legit ones like,
"Please pray for a man with diabetes or cancer."
But then one of 'em was,
"Please pray for a woman to get her garage door fixed at a good price."
Yeah, I hope God has a pop-up blocker for prayers
'cause that's like getting a dick pump ad in the middle of this.
Can you imagine?
Some kid that's just starving, you know, somebody like,
"Please God, I need medicine and food."
He's like, "Hold on, skinny, I'm talking to Home Depot right now."
They're trying to highball me on these garage door springs
"for some bitch in Ocala."
I don't think he'd say bitch, but whatever he would say.
Maybe he'd be angry by that point.
Customer service sucks.
Well, I hope God doesn't exist though.
Seriously, I'm a compulsive gambler.
I made a lot of deals with God,
and I didn't hold up my end of the bargain at all.
I'd just be like, "Please God, let me win this bet."
I'll never gamble again." And then I'd win it
and just be like, "Well, I never got a confirmation email."
So I'm gonna assume that one hit the firewall."
Very tech savvy God and my jokes.
He's a computer programmer.
Yeah, so addiction. Maybe that's it, right?
I go to Gamblers Anonymous... GA... that's what it's called.
It's just like Alcoholics Anonymous and NA and all that.
A little bit different though.
And NA and AA for the year anniversary you get a poker chip,
which would be inappropriate for Gamblers Anonymous.
So we get little miniature Corona bottles and needles.
So that's pretty. It's not true. Okay?
Not true.
I went to a GA meeting in Vegas one time, Las Vegas,
and it was packed.
But with people that live in Las Vegas that are addicted to gambling
I was like, that... you should... You should probably leave.
This town, there's, get on a highway.
I feel like that's step one right there, right.
It's a bad place to live if you're addicted to gambling.
It's like being an alcoholic
and living inside of a whisky barrel.
You know, it's not advised.
You can gamble on elections now.
I don't know if you knew that or not.
Yeah, any presidential race they'll have odds on that
which has got to be the worst way to lose your money gambling is politics.
It's bad enough sports, but politics,
how are you gonna explain that to your family, right?
"Hey, why don't we have a house anymore?"
"I'll tell you why.
Because Latinos didn't come out to vote in New Hampshire."
That's why so.
I read a bad pole on that one.
I have a friend that's never voted for president ever.
Which if you're gonna do, you need a good reason.
He's a moron so. That's what he says.
I don't vote for president 'cause it's just rich people running for president.
And then it's rich people running the country.
I was like, "Yep well, I'm pretty sure"
that's who should be running the country.
I don't wanna elect a president
that just got their power shut off.
You know, I feel like
I want 'em better with money than me, let's say.
Yeah, I just saw the Commander in Chief at a check cashing store.
That was pretty cool.
He was getting a payday advance for an Xbox
signed a coinstar receipt for me.
My friend's a conspiracy theorist.
He was like, "I'll tell you what else. All the presidents",
all of 'em, they all went to Harvard or Yale."
I was like, "Yep, that's, uh, that's also good right there."
I know how that works.
Nobody wants to see a diploma in the Oval Office
from the University of Phoenix, you know, it's not gonna...
instill a lot of confidence in the country.
Yeah, I got all these degrees in my underwear.
No pants for those degrees right there.
I typed up one of my finals papers with my dick.
So that was pretty cool.
Try that, you Ivy League snobs.
Good imagery right there.
There's at least four guys in here that are gonna try
to type with their dicks later so that's...
You're gonna need the standard keyboard, no touch screens,
some fishing weights, three pulleys.
All right, stop making...
So anyways, it's gonna be okay.
I'm gonna start doing steroids.
They don't test for that in comedy.
So, uh, I'm gonna break all the records.
Yeah, I don't know. I don't know why people care that athletes do steroids.
Who gives a shit, right? It's entertainment.
All of our entertainers should be on drugs.
You know, you wouldn't listen to music
made by people that weren't on drugs.
Why would you watch sports?
Right, I want 'em to be as big and strong as possible.
You know, I don't wanna go back and watch football
when they had leather helmets on everyone weighed 150 pounds,
and they gently shoved each other out of bounds, you know.
I wanna see some roided up linebacker hit a guy so hard
his spleen shoots out of his ass, you know, just flies into some kids lap,
I hope he signs this. He's a pro.
I'm gonna sell that on eBay later.
Yeah, if you're against steroids, you're a hypocrite.
'Cause everybody in here does something to enhance their lives or something.
Coffee, caffeine, you guys drink that?
Yeah, cheaters. You're all cheaters.
Viagra, you know who you are.
Pacemakers, right?
But we're not gonna put an asterisk on grandpas tombstone like,
"You know, the last nine years, kinda bullshit, if you ask me."
I feel like he was cheating, right, we all agreeing.
"We're gonna cross that off put 75 on there."
He's not going in the Hall of Fame, not for grampys.
I'm getting older, though, that's the thing.
Maybe it'll help out a little bit, a little HGH.
You know I've noticed getting older, though, the older I get
like the less that I care if people see my dick.
I don't know if that's a normal progression.
Not gonna take it out. Don't worry.
But if it fell out by accident, I'd tuck it back in,
apologize to the front row, bad zipper, all right, it's...
It's true. I went to high school here in Miami,
and I would sweat in gym class and I'd never take a shower
'cause I didn't want to take my shorts off
'cause I didn't want anyone to see, you know?
And that's when people shoulda seen my dick
'cause that's when it was at its top fighting weight.
You know, it was like aligned correctly,
it was all the same color,
and now it's splotchy for some reason.
I don't know why that happens.
I've never taken it out to suntan,
but it needs to see a dermatologist
for something like that.
Hair is not growing back in properly.
I don't know if they make Rogaine for your crotch,
but I need that product stat.
There's something there, right?
There's something with like body image and wisdom,
there's some correlation there.
That's why when you go to the gym
it's just the oldest guy who's naked
flaunting around like, "Hey everybody, I'm dying.
There's my dick. Check it out."
"What is that? A leaf on there."
I used to be an environmental biologist.
And, uh, okay, thanks. That's, uh, yeah.
I used to be an environmental biologist.
Um, got out of that because we're all doomed.
So, um, can recycle if you want. It doesn't matter.
I was on the inside. It doesn't matter.
'Cause apparently, where we've been destroying the planet
is the towel section of hotels.
Have you been in there recently?
Next to the towels there's always a little placard
with a picture of a Lemur on it, "Help us save the planet."
Hang up your towels, reduce water usage and detergent,
"and we'll save the earth together."
I don't feel the animals are seeing that towel money.
You know, there's no way there's a gorilla somewhere
holding a picture of me holding up a towel
that I've used for the second straight day to, you know,
wipe off my girlfriends stomach with.
I feel like they don't know...
- Sacrifices.
Everybody should be laughing at that joke.
All right, right side of the room don't act like
you just dry your hair with those things.
Be honest.
When you get into a hotel you're a disgusting animal.
That's why you pay the extra money.
You stay in a hotel, you shave your pubes,
you let somebody else vacuum 'em up, right?
That's gonna clog up your Dyson right there.
That's $500. Wind, tunnel, technology.
Towels. That's why the whole planet's crumbling.
Towels. What about the beds in hotels?
There's a lot of drunk and vacation sex that happens there.
Extra kids are born we didn't mean to have.
There's already seven billion people on the planet.
If they really cared about the environment
they'd have complementary contraceptives on the nightstand.
You know, like condoms or a chimpanzee shaped dispenser
that shoots out morning after pills.
You know, something that says,
"We care about the rainforest here at the Red Roof Inn."
All right.
So I was at a restaurant the other day
and I saw a baby crying maybe like two years old.
Ah, not a baby just...
It was just staring at me, Rah!
I was like, "Yeah, that's the shit right there."
I'd love to be able to just cry, right?
That's how I feel all the time just, fah!
Someone get me an iPad and a sippy cup right now.
'Cause you can do it when you're a kid,
but when you're an adult, it's just not a good look.
You know, especially as a guy, right?
Guy's aren't allowed to cry.
Bunch of dudes here in the front row.
You guys, you ever cry in public?
No. You're not allowed to, right?
Women, yeah, have at it.
You can cry right now. People will help you out.
They'll bring you a bottle of water, a tissue,
make a phone call for you, you know, it's.
Guy wonders into a food court just starts bawling.
Guess what? Now you're a viral video, right?
The sad guy weeps at Cinnabon. Two million hits on that one.
Gotta store it up his anger, right,
so he just punched some guy in a bar,
I'm sorry. It's my wife, it's not you.
I feel like that's how I cry with my fist right there.
It's healthy though. This is why women on average live longer than men.
'Cause it's healthy to cry and lets out endorphins, stress, you know?
And some women'll say, "Ah, it's okay.
I want my guy to be sensitive and he can cry."
That's such bullshit.
Yeah, next time... Try this guys...
Next time your wife or your girlfriend's crying,
just sit down next to her and start crying with her.
She'll stop crying.
That's how jarring that is to her.
She'll just emotionally reboot, like,
"What the fuck are you doing? I cry you yell.
That's the deal we have worked out."
So you could go break something in the living room.
"I'd feel a lot better about this."
Yeah, we need an excuse.
Women can always say, "I'm sorry I'm crying.
I'm very hormonal. I'm on my period."
Look, I don't know what a period's like.
It seems crazy from the outside looking in,
but you have at it.
"Do whatever you gotta do for that."
But to be fair, we have hormones, too.
Testosterone. Ten times the amount that women have.
We have that every single day. Not five or seven days.
Whatever your cycle is, every single day.
It's okay if you wanna yell at me on your period,
just don't get mad when I, you know, fuck the neighbor.
That's all I'm saying.
It's that time of the month again.
I know. It seemed like yesterday.
But she had glitter on her boobs.
That's my trigger right there, so that's...
Walk a mile in our penis.
These are facts.
Remember I told you I used to be a scientist?
Trust me. I looked it up on Wikipedia.
These are all fact checked.
Ten times the amount that women have.
The only time that's not true is when a couple falls in love
a guys goes down, a woman's goes up.
And then when you have kids,
a guys testosterone goes down again.
So by the time you're married and 40 and you have three kids,
basically, you're just like a, you know,
a woman wearing Dockers.
That's what you've become.
All right.
So we start with cats, we end with cats.
It's a cat sandwich. It's what we do here.
It's like an Oreo cookie.
Two cats on each end
with a lot of dick and drug jokes in the middle.
So I used to have four cats. Pretty cool, I know.
And I found 'em all so they had some sort of defect associated with them.
Ah, yeah, like one of 'em used to be abused,
so it was neurotic.
It would overgroom itself, so half its fur was missing.
It looked like a Tim Burton character or something.
Whenever it had a urinary tract infection,
I'd give it special pills and food.
Another one was molested by its uncle.
I don't like to talk about that.
From the streets. Street cats.
Yeah, so I used to find homes for cats,
but I don't do that anymore.
I'm on the road so one of the last ones I found
was a mother cat, five newborn kittens.
You ever seen kittens when they're first born?
Look like little rats, eyes are still closed?
And kittens, I don't know if you know this or not,
the mother has to like lick their genital area
to make them pee and poop.
Which if we had to do that,
there'd be a lot less people here tonight.
In general, that's how we operate, right?
"It's your turn to lick the baby's ass. Get in there."
I licked it all week. It peed in my beer.
I'm done with that activity.
You tap out after one kid. I can't taste anymore.
It's like batteries on my tongue.
I'd like to enjoy foo d at some point so.
Yeah, so they were tiny things
and one was really sick, lethargic,
was like the runt of the litter, something was wrong with it.
And then the next day the mother like ate, yeah,
ate the sick kitten.
That's what they do.
Animals, they sense something is wrong or off
and then they just, you know, they just snuff 'em out.
Which, again, we don't do, but if you think about it...
Right?
Have you ever been to Walmart Sunday mornings?
None of those people should've been baby snacks when all that DNA passed.
Yeah, I'm just saying. Let's say from now on you had to have the kids
and once they were born,
if you sense they were gonna be a douchebag,
you just make a sandwich.
A wrap if you're on a diet.
Hold the mayo.
Don't think about your own kids in this joke, all right?
If you're here tonight you're telling me...
If you have multiple kids and you're here tonight,
you're telling me if you could've
there's not one you wouldn't have eaten, seriously?
You know who it is.
Burned down the shed and...
I'm not saying you have to eat your kids.
But let's just say it was legal to eat your kids
till they were eight years old,
you didn't have to do it,
but your kids knew that you could do it, right,
just the threat was there like, you know,
they would just be mowing the lawn, clean up the house.
They wouldn't sass you in public anymore. "I want this cereal."
"You better shut up or I'm firing up the grill right now.
Get in the car."
All right, I'm done. Thank you, guys.
- All right, that's...
♪♪
They'd be mowing the lawn, cleaning up the house.
They wouldn't sass you in public anymore. "I want this cereal."
"You better shut up or I'm firing up the grill right now.
Get in the car."
That was literally the last joke right there.
That was the last word I had to say
on the whole fucking thing
and you dropped a bottle on the last fucking word.
How're we supposed to end that now?
This... I was gonna... hah.
This is how it was gonna go. This is how it was gonna go.
"Get in the car."
And then I was gonna be like, Thank you, guys.
And you, very fucking, goddamn...
Gotta shoot the whole thing again.
The whole thing we have to do. We can't just pick up that...
Fucking weak bladdered motherfuckers...
Lisa made an announcement at the beginning.
"Hey, go to the bathroom now."
Not one person got up when you could've.
Ah, I'll get through it 'cause I...
I hope all of you die in a hurricane.
That guy how he goes,
"Hurricane Matthew sweeps you away."
Ah, that was tragic.
No, that guy got up to piss ten minutes into the special.
I've known him my whole goddamn life.
Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
I'm gonna do the last line
because it's the last fucking line,
and then I need to say, and then I need to say,
Hey guys, thank you. Then you go, blah.
And then I'm gonna walk off,
and then we're gonna do some other things real quick.
Son of a bitch.
How does the last line even go? Okay, okay, here we go.
You ready?
Shit.
- All right.
Shut up.
All right.
Okay, here we go.
All right, I'm not saying you have to eat your kids,
but let's just say it was legal to eat your kids
till they're eight years old, all right,
you don't have to do it,
but your kids know that you can do it.
Just the threat is there, right?
They'd be mowing the lawn, clean up the house.
They wouldn't sass you in public anymore like, "I want this cereal."
"You better shut up or I'm firing up the grill right now."
All right, let's hold on a second.
Now that sucks 'cause you guys didn't even fucking laugh
'cause you just heard the joke.
Of course you just heard the fucking joke.
Don't sit there and be like, "We heard this one already."
You guys suck.
We're gonna have to edit all this fucking laughter
from behind my head so you can't see my fucking mouth moving.
What are they laughing at? Oh, yeah.
We're gonna do it one more time.
All right, I need you to laugh appropriately.
That's the last fucking joke. You did it good the first time.
And then this guy fucking
panicked over here and knocked his beer... aha... anymore, all right.
You guys ready? One more time?
And then I'm gonna say goodbye
and then you're supposed to clap a lot.
I have to fucking coach you guys.
Where the fucking punchline is, Charlie.
- Man ♪2. Fire up the grill.
Wow. This is gonna be good 'cause I doubt
we're gonna get this on the first take.
'Cause I feel like you guys are gonna laugh at the wrong parts now
and it's just gonna, it's gonna look stupid.
Man: He has to gonna wash his hands again.
Forrest: Yeah, we're almost done.
- Man: I gotta pee again.
- Man: Yeah, really. - Forrest: Holy shit, Charlie.
All right. No, no, no, no, okay. You guys ready?
- All: Yeah.
All right.
Okay.
I'm not saying you have to eat your kids.
But let's just say it was legal to eat your kids
till they were eight years old, you didn't have to do it,
but your kids knew that you could do it.
Right, just the threat was there, like, you know,
they would just be mowing the lawn, clean up the house.
They wouldn't sass you in public anymore, "I want this cereal."
"You better shut up or I'm firing up the grill right now.
- Get in the car."
All right, I'm done. Thank you, guys.
- All right, that's...
All right.