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♪♪

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Announcer: Ladies and
gentlemen, Forrest Shaw.

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All right.

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Okay.

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Settle down.

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That's enough. That's enough.

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I feel...

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I feel like that might not
have been sincere,

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but I appreciate it.

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For those that aren't
here, we're in Florida.

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We're literally...

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Literally hurricane Matthew
is hitting right now.

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We're shooting this special...

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- Man: All right, cool.
- Yeah, yeah.

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Everyone else in the country
is concerned.

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Everyone's that's texting me
from around the...

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"Are you guys...
Is it okay, the hurricane?"

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I'm like, "Yeah,
and we don't give a shit here."

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Right, that's...

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This is why people think Florida
is just a fucked up state.

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It is, but I mean,

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it's just a little bit
different here.

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You know, that's the...
It's the thing.

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And trust me, I defend Florida
wherever I go because I'm from here,

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and it's like the punchline
of the country.

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You know, did you see
what happened in Florida?

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Another guy
ate another guys face.

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Yeah, I know it happened again.

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I know crazy stuff happens here,

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but let's not act like
crazy shit doesn't happen

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everywhere in the country.

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When I first moved
to California,

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one of the first things I saw

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were two people
middle of the day having sex

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on a sidewalk at a bus stop

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while people just stepped over
out of the bus to get on 'em.

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There was like 25 people
with their phones filming it.

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Yeah, you know what? The next day I
didn't see that online anywhere.

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I didn't read it anywhere.

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I just have to assume in Florida
we have better journalists

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than the rest of the country.

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We're reporting on stories
people want to hear, right?

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Economy. Fuck that.
We don't wanna hear about that.

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We wanna hear about the guy
that hid cocaine in his ass.

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You know, that's...

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I know crazy shit happens here,

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but I just have to feel like
I have to defend it.

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One of my favorite stories is the guy
that got busted for child pornography

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and then he said,
Oh, I didn't do that.

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Ah, what happens is when
I'm away from home

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my cat walks on my keyboard.

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And then I came home
and there was...

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It sounds crazy, I know,
but I used to have a parrot

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that had and online
gambling problem.

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So I feel like that bird lost
me a lot of money right there.

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My favorite from story
from Florida though is, uh,

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there was a guy that almost got
his hand bit off by an alligator

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and so then he captured
the alligator

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and he wrapped it up
in duct tape

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and threw it in his bathtub
and then as revenge,

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repeatedly had sex with it.

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It was bad, yes, I know.
He's in jail so that's okay.

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But even worse, even worse

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is the alligator had to go back
to the swamp and you know,

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the other gators were asking
questions, right, like,

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"Hey man, where have you been?
We haven't seen you for awhile."

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He's like, "Why?
What've you heard?"

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It's not true
whatever you heard.

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I was visiting relatives on the
other side of the everglades.

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"That's where I was at."

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"Oh, 'cause we heard you got
deep dicked by a redneck.

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That's what blowing through
these here raids of sawgrass."

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I have a cat. She's really old.
She just turned 16.

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Um, had to take her to the vet.
I spent $800 on her.

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So she was about $200
away from dying.

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That's pretty really close.

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Yeah. That's all I had
on my credit card.

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I don't want to have that awkward
conversation at the vets office.

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You know.

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Sorry, Mr. Shaw, but your
pets life has been declined.

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Shit.

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Run it again. That's it though.

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Man, if you have a pet you know
you do that math though.

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You're sitting
at the vets office

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and you figure out how old they
are divided by how many times

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they took a shit on your pillow.

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You know, that's how much money
you spend on them.

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You know, you just want
for a moment for your animal

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to realize what the concept
of money is, you know,

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just come out for a second,
chest bump you like,

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"Thanks a lot. I appreciate...

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I'm gonna eat Ramen noodles
for two weeks."

93
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But that's not what my cat did.

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I took her home
and she pissed on a shirt.

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That's how she thanked me.

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You know, I don't know
a lot of you in here,

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but if I spent $800 on you,

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you'd at least tag me
in a Facebook pose,

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you know, a nice emoji text,

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thumbs up, kidney kidney,
appreciate the...

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So she's old,
I'm on the road a lot

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and I want to travel
with her now,

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so I just made her into
a service cat.

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Uh, yeah, she doesn't do
anything if you're wondering.

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She has no skillset. She has
the skillset of a dance mom.

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She just yells about shit a lot,
you know, like,

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"Hurry up, scoop my litter box.
Gotta get to jazz tap."

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Something like that I imagine.

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If you crack a door open
a little bit,

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she can get her paw in there
and then just

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wedge her head in there
and just, gah, gah, gah,

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service cat, get her a vest.

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Shouldn't have to do anything 'cause
I'm sure you're aware of this.

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There's a lot of bullshit
service animals

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in the world right now.

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I don't know if you've been on
an airplane recently.

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You still can't get a bottle
of water through security,

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but you can get an untrained
German Shepherd

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that's gonna take a nervous shit
at 35,000 feet

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'cause I don't like the bumpies.

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That's it.

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I'm not talking about guide dogs
and I'm not talking about

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animals that help you
when you're disabled.

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There's a whole nother category
called "emotional support"

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and it was started like,
for instance,

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returning war veterans
with PTSD.

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They give them a trained animal
that helps them deal with

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what they gotta deal with.

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But emotional support,
it's very broad.

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This is what I checked off
for my cat.

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Stressed-out.

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Who the fuck's not stressed out?

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Yeah, I'm having
a tough week at work.

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Uh, don't worry,
I'm getting a mulgy.

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Everything's gonna be okay.

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Mr. Noodles comes in on Monday.
No eye contact.

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They're biters. Not trained yet.

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Straight out of the jungle.
Yeah, that's...

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Rip your face clean off.

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Might throw some shit
in your cubicle.

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You might wanna wear a hat
this week so.

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Yeah, I was sitting next to
a woman on an airplane

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that had an overweight pug
missing a leg

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that had a vest cable
tied around it.

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I was pretty sure that wasn't
a working animal right there.

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That bread has sleep apnea
to begin with.

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So I don't know how
it's gonna help you

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with the cutest little
CPAP on ever, right.

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So I asked her I go, "All right,
what's the pug do?"

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And she's like, "You got me."

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That's what she said,
"You got me."

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"Not much.
I mean, sometimes I get sad"

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and then I bring the dog
with me,

154
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"and then I'm not sad."

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Yeah, yeah,
that's why we all have pets.

156
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Uh, nobody has a dog that's
crippling their self-esteem.

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You know, that's just,
you don't go to the pound,

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"I want an animal, but I want one
that's gonna make me feel fat,"

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if you have that back there,
like racoon or sugar glider

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or something weird,
I don't care what it is,

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I just want it to sit in the
corner and shake its head

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"while I eat a doughnut,
can you make it do that?"

163
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70 bucks. It's all you need.

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You go online, they'll send
you a kit, and then you

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can start annoying people
with your untrained beast.

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It doesn't just have to be dogs.
Here was the list.

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Dogs, cats, birds,

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uh, snakes...
Snakes were on the list.

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I don't know how you're gonna
keep a vest on a snake.

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That's gonna be tough.

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Maybe you cut some eye holes
out of a condom,

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roll it on there,
get a Sharpe write, "Service."

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You gotta identify it.
That's part of the program.

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Otherwise, you just have a boa
with a rubber on it.

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That's weird.

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A service snake is crazy.
Right, we can all agree on that.

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Like what if you go in a bar
and you're afraid of snakes

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and they there's just some guy
there with a mesh tank top on

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with a service snake, you know,
just hanging out.

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Now you gotta bring in
your service falcon.

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You know, somebody else has
to bring in a service mongoose.

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It's not gonna end.

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Emotional support.
It's very broad.

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People need these animals.

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So let's let 'em have 'em
and then everybody else...

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'Cause you can say you need anything
for emotional support, right?

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For me, two things. Mainly I
could say, you know, food.

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Obviously, you can take
a look at me.

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That's a crutch in my life.

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I'm alone a lot on the road
in hotels.

191
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So, you know, porn.
That's another one.

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I know you don't
wanna hear that.

193
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But those are the facts, right?

194
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Yeah, but food's acceptable
in a social setting.

195
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But porn, you know,

196
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I'm gonna have to register
my laptop as a service computer.

197
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You know, I can just get a little vest,
bring it out to an Olive Garden.

198
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"Sir, that's wildly
inappropriate."

199
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"I know, but I have anxiety.
So, uh..."

200
00:08:52,428 --> 00:08:54,388
I'm gonna go in this booth
for about five minutes.

201
00:08:54,412 --> 00:08:57,065
You might want to cover up your
mozzarella sticks with a napkin.

202
00:08:57,066 --> 00:09:00,135
"Shield the kids eyes, that's
the splash zone right there."

203
00:09:00,136 --> 00:09:02,102
That's what I call that.

204
00:09:04,237 --> 00:09:06,906
So I was looking at some photos
the other day.

205
00:09:06,907 --> 00:09:10,142
Remember that, when we used to
print up actual photographs?

206
00:09:10,143 --> 00:09:11,677
We don't do that anymore so.

207
00:09:11,678 --> 00:09:13,612
I had an old box full of 'em
and I took 'em out

208
00:09:13,613 --> 00:09:15,813
and I spread a bunch of 'em
on the floor in front of me,

209
00:09:15,837 --> 00:09:19,181
like I was solving a murder
or something.

210
00:09:19,182 --> 00:09:22,151
All the pieces are here.
Figure it out.

211
00:09:22,152 --> 00:09:24,153
Yeah, so I came across
a couple photos of me

212
00:09:24,154 --> 00:09:27,156
at a time in my life
when I was doing a lot of drugs

213
00:09:27,157 --> 00:09:29,025
- and, um...

214
00:09:29,026 --> 00:09:32,562
Yeah, I look great.
You know, I really...

215
00:09:32,563 --> 00:09:34,196
look a lot healthier
than I do now.

216
00:09:34,197 --> 00:09:36,229
And I stopped doing drugs
I feel like,

217
00:09:36,230 --> 00:09:41,301
I feel like that's been the missing
ingredient in my diet this whole time.

218
00:09:41,302 --> 00:09:44,637
Less meatballs, more meth.
You don't see that a lot...

219
00:09:44,638 --> 00:09:49,242
in men's health magazines,
but I feel like...

220
00:09:49,243 --> 00:09:53,076
Seriously, it's like a physical
of me now verse then.

221
00:09:53,077 --> 00:09:54,611
I'm not saying drugs
are good for you.

222
00:09:54,612 --> 00:09:56,613
I'm just saying,

223
00:09:56,614 --> 00:09:59,683
I'm saying some drugs are probably
better for you than some foods, right?

224
00:09:59,684 --> 00:10:02,218
Yeah, like you can do heroine
a half dozen times.

225
00:10:02,219 --> 00:10:04,120
You'll probably be okay.

226
00:10:04,121 --> 00:10:08,391
Try shooting up Ranch dressing
see what happens, right?

227
00:10:08,392 --> 00:10:11,525
These are facts.

228
00:10:11,526 --> 00:10:15,195
Facts. Sugar, that's a drug.

229
00:10:15,196 --> 00:10:17,564
Is everybody aware of that?

230
00:10:17,565 --> 00:10:21,301
I saw a documentary.

231
00:10:21,302 --> 00:10:24,404
On Netflix,
that's what they said.

232
00:10:24,405 --> 00:10:28,539
They said, sugar is eight times
more addictive than crack.

233
00:10:28,540 --> 00:10:31,141
However, it's exponentially
more difficult

234
00:10:31,142 --> 00:10:33,110
to get a blow job
for a Butterfinger.

235
00:10:33,111 --> 00:10:34,812
So don't try that.

236
00:10:34,813 --> 00:10:36,773
It's easy to get sugar, right?
That's the problem.

237
00:10:36,797 --> 00:10:37,948
It's hard to get drugs.

238
00:10:37,949 --> 00:10:41,018
You can get a candy bar at a
hardware store for some reason.

239
00:10:41,019 --> 00:10:42,950
Why is that an option?

240
00:10:42,951 --> 00:10:46,153
Has anyone ever needed a bolt cutter
and a Snickers bar at the same time?

241
00:10:46,154 --> 00:10:49,057
I need some Twizzlers
and some wood.

242
00:10:52,961 --> 00:10:54,362
Just make it harder.

243
00:10:54,363 --> 00:10:56,123
Make it harder to get food
that's bad for you

244
00:10:56,147 --> 00:10:57,932
as it is drugs
and you'd eat less.

245
00:10:57,933 --> 00:11:04,168
You know, like if it was this hard
to get pizza as it is cocaine,

246
00:11:04,169 --> 00:11:05,870
you know,
like you'd still eat pizza.

247
00:11:05,871 --> 00:11:07,505
Don't get me wrong, but just...

248
00:11:07,506 --> 00:11:10,975
Only on the weekends
with people you trust.

249
00:11:10,976 --> 00:11:13,376
Not gonna invite that one guy
who always eats half the pizza.

250
00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:15,378
I got no money this week,
but next week pizza...

251
00:11:15,379 --> 00:11:17,139
Yeah, yeah, you say that
every week, asshole.

252
00:11:17,163 --> 00:11:19,714
Just start rubbing tomato sauce
on your gums.

253
00:11:19,715 --> 00:11:22,217
Oh, yeah, that's a good...

254
00:11:22,218 --> 00:11:25,186
Yeah, that's a hundred percent
Papa Johns right there.

255
00:11:25,187 --> 00:11:29,057
That's not that stepped on
Little Caesars crap

256
00:11:29,058 --> 00:11:31,926
you tried to bring here
last week.

257
00:11:31,927 --> 00:11:34,427
You a cop?

258
00:11:38,164 --> 00:11:41,400
Be out at dinner
with some people, right,

259
00:11:41,401 --> 00:11:44,269
"Hey, you notice those three
guys have gotten up together"

260
00:11:44,270 --> 00:11:46,271
to use the bathroom
a couple times?

261
00:11:46,272 --> 00:11:49,138
You think they're doing
pizza in there?

262
00:11:49,139 --> 00:11:51,206
He had some cheese in his beard.

263
00:11:51,207 --> 00:11:54,044
"I was wondering.
You can see it plain as day."

264
00:11:58,481 --> 00:12:00,682
I don't know, man. It's just...

265
00:12:00,683 --> 00:12:02,518
it's tough for me.

266
00:12:02,519 --> 00:12:04,920
I just... I'm a very addictive
personality, you know.

267
00:12:04,921 --> 00:12:06,419
It's tough to eat right.

268
00:12:06,420 --> 00:12:09,422
They'll put put calories
on menus now, right.

269
00:12:09,423 --> 00:12:12,191
That doesn't help anybody
at all.

270
00:12:12,192 --> 00:12:14,593
That just makes you
feel shittier

271
00:12:14,594 --> 00:12:16,362
about what you're gonna eat.

272
00:12:16,363 --> 00:12:19,698
You know, it's like, "Yeah, I
guess I'm eating 3,000 calories."

273
00:12:19,699 --> 00:12:22,398
I might as well blow my brains
out at this point.

274
00:12:22,399 --> 00:12:25,101
They should put the exercises
you have to do next to the food

275
00:12:25,102 --> 00:12:26,669
and you'd eat less, right?

276
00:12:26,670 --> 00:12:28,671
"Yeah, I'd like to get
a seven layer burrito."

277
00:12:28,672 --> 00:12:31,152
"All right, sir, you have to get
on the StairMaster back there"

278
00:12:31,176 --> 00:12:32,875
for five hours.

279
00:12:32,876 --> 00:12:35,516
"Bring back a stamped receipt then
we can legally serve it to you."

280
00:12:35,540 --> 00:12:36,392
That's the only way.

281
00:12:36,393 --> 00:12:39,179
"Uh, no, I'm drunk.
I don't wanna do that."

282
00:12:39,180 --> 00:12:41,081
I just wanna sit in this chair.

283
00:12:41,082 --> 00:12:44,818
"What can I eat if I sit in this
chair, uh, hot sauce packets?"

284
00:12:44,819 --> 00:12:46,619
That's all we can give you.

285
00:12:46,620 --> 00:12:48,489
We don't make the laws.

286
00:12:51,692 --> 00:12:54,060
A lot of fat jokes tonight,
guys, all right?

287
00:12:54,061 --> 00:12:57,394
This is where I'm at.

288
00:12:57,395 --> 00:13:00,097
Uh. No, this is just...
This is what you gotta...

289
00:13:00,098 --> 00:13:02,599
Look, all black.
That's slimming, right?

290
00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:06,803
A jacket? We're here in Miami.
I'm not cold.

291
00:13:06,804 --> 00:13:08,605
This is called
covering up flaws.

292
00:13:08,606 --> 00:13:11,675
That's what you do.
Couple flaps of cloth.

293
00:13:11,676 --> 00:13:13,340
It does a world of wonders.

294
00:13:13,341 --> 00:13:15,676
Yeah, I've lived in L.A. now
about three years,

295
00:13:15,677 --> 00:13:18,879
and I've developed a condition
known as, uh, "Taco Tits."

296
00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:20,481
So that's not a...

297
00:13:20,482 --> 00:13:23,183
I call this one Carne Asada,
this one Poquito.

298
00:13:23,184 --> 00:13:25,319
It's a little bit smaller
for some reason.

299
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:29,019
- Lot of food trucks.
- Man: Oh my Lord.

300
00:13:29,020 --> 00:13:32,022
Hah. It's not a good body
under here.

301
00:13:32,023 --> 00:13:34,525
If Jason Bourne had my body,

302
00:13:34,526 --> 00:13:37,361
the government would stop looking for him.
You know, that's why...

303
00:13:37,362 --> 00:13:39,096
He's only a threat to himself.

304
00:13:39,097 --> 00:13:41,298
He has, uh,
three to five days to live.

305
00:13:41,299 --> 00:13:45,169
Just put that folder
back in the cabinet.

306
00:13:45,170 --> 00:13:47,902
Man: Oh my Lord.

307
00:13:47,903 --> 00:13:53,241
The problem is that, uh, all
food's legal, for me at least.

308
00:13:53,242 --> 00:13:54,909
It's all legal, right?

309
00:13:54,910 --> 00:13:57,912
Anyone in here, you can go
and order 20 cheeseburgers

310
00:13:57,913 --> 00:14:00,353
at any place that sells cheese,
they'll just give them to you.

311
00:14:00,377 --> 00:14:03,017
They're not gonna take your blood
pressure, check your cholesterol.

312
00:14:03,041 --> 00:14:04,682
Just give you...

313
00:14:04,683 --> 00:14:07,118
I go to McDonalds right now

314
00:14:07,119 --> 00:14:09,387
and order like
80 chicken nuggets

315
00:14:09,388 --> 00:14:11,548
and I could tell the person
I'm gonna eat all of these,

316
00:14:11,572 --> 00:14:14,592
just, you know, I'm gonna pull
around to the front of your store,

317
00:14:14,593 --> 00:14:16,928
take my shirt off,

318
00:14:16,929 --> 00:14:18,489
I'm gonna dump a bunch
of barbeque sauce

319
00:14:18,513 --> 00:14:20,562
right between my taco tits,
right here.

320
00:14:20,563 --> 00:14:22,931
I'm just gonna eat 'em all
'cause it's legal, that's why.

321
00:14:22,932 --> 00:14:24,833
Fuck you guys, right.

322
00:14:24,834 --> 00:14:26,535
If you're gonna do that, wear your
seatbelt though. That's against the law.

323
00:14:26,536 --> 00:14:29,939
So you gotta be extra...
Safety first.

324
00:14:32,341 --> 00:14:34,876
Oreo's, Deep Fried Oreo's.
That's legal food.

325
00:14:34,877 --> 00:14:36,208
Someone just made that up.

326
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:39,077
They didn't have to get
like that checked by...

327
00:14:39,078 --> 00:14:41,079
That just... yeah.
You ever had those?

328
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:42,881
Deep Fried... like,
yeah, that's...

329
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:46,285
Oreo's are already bad and
then they make 'em way worse.

330
00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:49,154
They deep fry 'em, they drizzle
some chocolate on 'em,

331
00:14:49,155 --> 00:14:50,355
sprinkled some powdered sugar,

332
00:14:50,379 --> 00:14:51,857
they, you know,
flung some Crisco

333
00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:53,055
and stuck a cigarette in it.

334
00:14:53,056 --> 00:14:54,723
It's like really bad.

335
00:14:54,724 --> 00:14:58,694
You can just get as many
of those as you want.

336
00:14:58,695 --> 00:15:00,863
I don't know.

337
00:15:00,864 --> 00:15:05,734
I'm in bad shape, though, guys.

338
00:15:05,735 --> 00:15:08,070
I went to the doctor and, uh,

339
00:15:08,071 --> 00:15:09,937
she told me
I have, uh, prediabetes.

340
00:15:11,605 --> 00:15:16,509
That's not the punchline,
but thanks for laughing at that.

341
00:15:16,510 --> 00:15:18,190
Prediabetes.
I didn't know what that meant,

342
00:15:18,214 --> 00:15:19,679
so I asked her and she goes,

343
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:23,082
"Okay well, that means
that you could get diabetes."

344
00:15:23,083 --> 00:15:25,251
I was like, "All right, well,
that means, uh",

345
00:15:25,252 --> 00:15:28,251
everybody had prediabetes.

346
00:15:28,252 --> 00:15:30,486
Unless I got postdiabetes,
that's a bad one right there.

347
00:15:30,487 --> 00:15:31,921
"I don't want that one."

348
00:15:31,922 --> 00:15:33,923
Hey, guess what else I have.
Prebroken leg.

349
00:15:33,924 --> 00:15:35,258
Don't worry about that.

350
00:15:35,259 --> 00:15:37,760
That seems to be...
That seems to be okay.

351
00:15:37,761 --> 00:15:40,063
No X-rays necessary on that one.

352
00:15:40,064 --> 00:15:41,397
I'm gonna have trouble
paying you

353
00:15:41,398 --> 00:15:44,397
'cause I'm a pre millionaire
as well so, uh,

354
00:15:44,398 --> 00:15:47,167
let's split this one, all right?

355
00:15:47,168 --> 00:15:49,248
Don't tell me what I might have.
Tell me what I have.

356
00:15:49,272 --> 00:15:51,037
Let's work on those problems.

357
00:15:51,038 --> 00:15:53,707
I've got issues.

358
00:15:53,708 --> 00:15:58,811
For sure I have, uh,
acid reflux... heartburn, uh.

359
00:15:58,812 --> 00:16:00,377
I don't do anything about it.

360
00:16:00,378 --> 00:16:02,246
Nothing. I don't eat better.

361
00:16:02,247 --> 00:16:04,514
I just carry around
a pack of Tums.

362
00:16:04,515 --> 00:16:08,418
I can feel 'em right here.
It's like... hahah...

363
00:16:08,419 --> 00:16:10,420
It's like my life jacket,
right here.

364
00:16:10,421 --> 00:16:12,422
It's like the ring in
"Lord of the Rings."

365
00:16:12,423 --> 00:16:14,825
I'm rubbing it right now like,
"Precious.

366
00:16:14,826 --> 00:16:18,325
Precious Tums."

367
00:16:18,326 --> 00:16:21,262
It's my fat boy mints.
It's what I call those.

368
00:16:21,263 --> 00:16:22,863
That's your body's natural way
of saying,

369
00:16:22,887 --> 00:16:25,699
"Hey, uh, hey, maybe today
we shouldn't have the pepper"...

370
00:16:25,700 --> 00:16:28,269
"Shut the fuck up, stomach.
I know what I'm talking about."

371
00:16:28,270 --> 00:16:30,390
Give me some wings, a beer,
and a medicated Lifesaver.

372
00:16:30,414 --> 00:16:34,939
"We're doing this either way,
so get on board."

373
00:16:34,940 --> 00:16:36,900
So I'm pretty sure... no,
for certain I have that.

374
00:16:36,924 --> 00:16:39,644
I'm pretty sure
I have sleep apnea.

375
00:16:39,645 --> 00:16:42,765
I don't know for certain 'cause I don't
have anybody laying next to me at night

376
00:16:42,789 --> 00:16:46,017
to tell me that I am dying,
but I'm pretty sure that's...

377
00:16:46,018 --> 00:16:49,284
That's a disease you eat
your way into right there.

378
00:16:49,285 --> 00:16:52,887
Not always, but generally,
generally, sleep apnea means

379
00:16:52,888 --> 00:16:56,424
you're overweight and then you
hold your breathe when you sleep.

380
00:16:56,425 --> 00:16:59,294
Which I don't know how
out of shape you have to be

381
00:16:59,295 --> 00:17:01,429
to need a break during sleep,
but that is really bad.

382
00:17:01,430 --> 00:17:05,964
That's, that's the least amount
of activity your body can do.

383
00:17:05,965 --> 00:17:07,299
And it can't do it anymore.

384
00:17:07,300 --> 00:17:09,434
That's the point
you've gotten to.

385
00:17:09,435 --> 00:17:11,436
Your body has just decided
to kill itself.

386
00:17:11,437 --> 00:17:12,757
That's the point
you've gotten to.

387
00:17:12,781 --> 00:17:14,072
All right, rollover, fatty.

388
00:17:14,073 --> 00:17:15,840
Put your face
in the pillow right now.

389
00:17:15,841 --> 00:17:18,041
We're gonna, we're gonna start
with the stutter breathe.

390
00:17:18,065 --> 00:17:19,800
Get in there now.

391
00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:24,479
We're the fattest animal.
Did you guys know that?

392
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:27,482
I just made it up,
but it sounds right, right?

393
00:17:27,483 --> 00:17:29,685
You had time to mull it over,
think about it,

394
00:17:29,686 --> 00:17:31,386
nobody yelled anything out.

395
00:17:31,387 --> 00:17:35,424
Fattest animals.
Sad, sack, sloppy, you know?

396
00:17:35,425 --> 00:17:37,993
That's...

397
00:17:37,994 --> 00:17:39,674
Let's just start saying
overweight, though.

398
00:17:39,698 --> 00:17:41,593
That's what I should start saying.
Not fattest.

399
00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:43,394
'Cause I keep saying that
and then at one show

400
00:17:43,418 --> 00:17:44,797
a woman yelled out, "Whales!"

401
00:17:44,798 --> 00:17:47,132
What about whales?
Whales are fat."

402
00:17:47,133 --> 00:17:48,934
She was fat shaming whales.

403
00:17:48,935 --> 00:17:52,137
She thought every picture of
every whale she had ever seen

404
00:17:52,138 --> 00:17:54,440
was just an obese
out of shape whale.

405
00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:56,881
And there was other whales out
there swimming around the ocean

406
00:17:56,905 --> 00:18:02,311
with 24 pack abs, you know,
and doing CrossFit.

407
00:18:02,312 --> 00:18:05,314
Fat whales sounds like a
conspiracy theory of some sort

408
00:18:05,315 --> 00:18:06,816
that somebody
would come up with.

409
00:18:06,817 --> 00:18:08,317
You know, they're like,

410
00:18:08,318 --> 00:18:10,478
"Yeah, yeah, I'll tell you why
the sea level's rising."

411
00:18:10,502 --> 00:18:12,187
It ain't climate change.

412
00:18:12,188 --> 00:18:14,854
It's these fat-ass whales.
That's what's happening.

413
00:18:14,855 --> 00:18:17,757
You got liberals like Al Gore
feeding 'em grilled cheesecake,

414
00:18:17,758 --> 00:18:19,726
they're getting fatter.

415
00:18:19,727 --> 00:18:21,527
Ocean level's rising.

416
00:18:21,528 --> 00:18:23,208
Don't think we don't see
you too, manatees.

417
00:18:23,232 --> 00:18:26,499
"We know what's going on there."

418
00:18:26,500 --> 00:18:28,735
Overweight.
That's the term we gotta use.

419
00:18:28,736 --> 00:18:30,934
Most over... the only other
animals that are overweight

420
00:18:30,935 --> 00:18:32,936
are the ones
that live around us, right?

421
00:18:32,937 --> 00:18:35,105
Like your pets.

422
00:18:35,106 --> 00:18:36,439
Somebody here has a fat pet.

423
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:39,209
Or you know somebody with a pet

424
00:18:39,210 --> 00:18:40,970
that you walk in their house
and you're like,

425
00:18:40,971 --> 00:18:42,691
"Wow, I didn't know
cats came in that shape.

426
00:18:42,715 --> 00:18:45,382
That's, uh... that's"...

427
00:18:45,383 --> 00:18:47,423
They never take responsibility
for it either, right?

428
00:18:47,447 --> 00:18:49,249
They just blame it on
the animal.

429
00:18:49,250 --> 00:18:51,084
They'll say, "I don't know.
His metabolism"

430
00:18:51,085 --> 00:18:54,254
is eating a lot of weird shit."

431
00:18:54,255 --> 00:18:55,935
I'm pretty sure
you're feeding it too much.

432
00:18:55,959 --> 00:18:59,593
I think that is
the number one answer...

433
00:18:59,594 --> 00:19:02,129
I've never seen a cat at a
drive-thru at three in the morning

434
00:19:02,130 --> 00:19:03,594
just hanging out in line
with the cars.

435
00:19:03,595 --> 00:19:05,515
They're like, "Sir,
you gotta be in the vehicle."

436
00:19:05,539 --> 00:19:07,664
We're not gonna serve you
if you're not in a vehicle."

437
00:19:07,665 --> 00:19:11,235
"I got apple pay."

438
00:19:11,236 --> 00:19:13,037
Look it up.

439
00:19:13,038 --> 00:19:15,038
Dogs eating ice cream.
Put that on YouTube.

440
00:19:15,039 --> 00:19:16,540
Way too many videos.

441
00:19:16,541 --> 00:19:19,106
Yeah, just video after video
of dogs eating ice cream

442
00:19:19,107 --> 00:19:20,708
and the owners are just
incredulous like,

443
00:19:20,709 --> 00:19:23,444
"God, he's eating the ice cream.
Can you believe he's...?"

444
00:19:23,445 --> 00:19:25,312
Yeah well, I mean,
he eats his own shit.

445
00:19:25,313 --> 00:19:28,382
So I'm pretty sure that, uh,
cream and sugar's on the menu.

446
00:19:28,383 --> 00:19:30,252
That's not a weird...

447
00:19:34,356 --> 00:19:37,588
Just, you know,
all around bullshit food.

448
00:19:37,589 --> 00:19:40,558
Racoons. Fat racoons, right.

449
00:19:40,559 --> 00:19:43,294
One day they're eating fish,
living their life,

450
00:19:43,295 --> 00:19:45,296
and then they accidentally
wonder in someone's yard,

451
00:19:45,297 --> 00:19:47,165
get into a trash can,
they find a cheese steak,

452
00:19:47,166 --> 00:19:49,326
they're just chasing the dragon
the rest of their life.

453
00:19:49,350 --> 00:19:51,502
You know, it's just,
"Another one in here somewhere."

454
00:19:51,503 --> 00:19:53,423
All right, 30 diapers.
We struck out on this one.

455
00:19:53,447 --> 00:19:57,372
"Go next door.
They had lasagna last week."

456
00:19:57,373 --> 00:20:00,943
Stop giving, you know,
food and...

457
00:20:02,411 --> 00:20:04,679
Imagine if animals did all
the drugs we did, too.

458
00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:07,215
I mean, just, like if tigers
knew about cocaine,

459
00:20:07,216 --> 00:20:09,336
they'd leave their kids
by a river or something weird.

460
00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:10,949
Right, just be snorting a line,

461
00:20:10,950 --> 00:20:12,651
just talking about
gazelles they killed.

462
00:20:12,652 --> 00:20:14,820
"Man, five gazelles, one hour.

463
00:20:14,821 --> 00:20:17,023
No one's ever done it."

464
00:20:19,258 --> 00:20:21,327
Balls shrinking and stuff.

465
00:20:27,330 --> 00:20:29,498
So the drug thing's true.
Yeah, I used to...

466
00:20:29,499 --> 00:20:31,139
I looked great
when I was doing the drugs,

467
00:20:31,163 --> 00:20:33,902
and you stop doing 'em.

468
00:20:33,903 --> 00:20:36,905
That's what happens.
You get older.

469
00:20:36,906 --> 00:20:38,907
Yeah, some people
are nodding their heads.

470
00:20:38,908 --> 00:20:40,242
You know what I'm talking about.

471
00:20:40,243 --> 00:20:41,944
Like I still wanna do
a lot of drugs.

472
00:20:41,945 --> 00:20:44,109
I'm just... I'm just too tired
to do them.

473
00:20:44,110 --> 00:20:45,945
Does that make sense?

474
00:20:45,946 --> 00:20:48,314
"You're maturing." "No, I'm
exhausted." That's the issue.

475
00:20:48,315 --> 00:20:50,316
Like I can't go on
a two-day bender with you.

476
00:20:50,317 --> 00:20:53,853
I gotta get stamps.
I gotta iron my jeans.

477
00:20:53,854 --> 00:20:55,454
That's some old man shit
right there.

478
00:20:55,455 --> 00:20:58,324
When you start ironing
your jeans, stop doing drugs.

479
00:20:58,325 --> 00:21:02,392
That's the... that's the
tipping point right there.

480
00:21:04,995 --> 00:21:06,762
I don't know.

481
00:21:06,763 --> 00:21:09,203
I don't know what the... the whole
war on drugs is ridiculous,

482
00:21:09,204 --> 00:21:10,564
that we're still at war
with drugs.

483
00:21:10,588 --> 00:21:12,134
I can't believe that, right?

484
00:21:12,135 --> 00:21:14,103
It's like a huge waste of money.

485
00:21:14,104 --> 00:21:16,636
You know everyone complains about
the government wasting money.

486
00:21:16,637 --> 00:21:19,339
War on drugs, we've been at
that for like 30-plus years,

487
00:21:19,340 --> 00:21:22,041
and, you know, we're America,
we like to win wars.

488
00:21:22,042 --> 00:21:23,710
We're not gonna win that war so.

489
00:21:23,711 --> 00:21:24,991
We should get out of that,
right?

490
00:21:25,015 --> 00:21:26,479
I'll tell why
we're not gonna win it.

491
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:27,947
If you're 16-years-old
there's not a lot to do

492
00:21:27,948 --> 00:21:29,348
in this country,
that's the problem.

493
00:21:29,372 --> 00:21:31,484
I mean, you're gonna go
to an ice cream social?

494
00:21:31,485 --> 00:21:33,483
Or are you gonna
eat mushrooms and laugh

495
00:21:33,484 --> 00:21:36,853
'cause your friend
looks like a bear?

496
00:21:36,854 --> 00:21:39,723
"Get over here, Mr. Grizzly.
Come on, let's take a selfie.

497
00:21:39,724 --> 00:21:43,460
No ones gonna believe
I was partying with a bear."

498
00:21:43,461 --> 00:21:45,128
Hah.

499
00:21:45,129 --> 00:21:48,098
Ah, this is Florida,

500
00:21:48,099 --> 00:21:51,431
for those at home
that don't know where we're at.

501
00:21:51,432 --> 00:21:56,169
By the time this airs I feel like medical
marijuana will be legal here finally,

502
00:21:56,170 --> 00:21:59,973
- and that's...

503
00:21:59,974 --> 00:22:01,975
- Yeah.
- Man: Marijuana!

504
00:22:01,976 --> 00:22:03,844
A lot of sick people here
that need it?

505
00:22:03,845 --> 00:22:05,943
- That's...

506
00:22:05,944 --> 00:22:09,647
- a lot of ailments.
- Man: Anxiety.

507
00:22:09,648 --> 00:22:12,016
Anxiety, yeah, that'll help.

508
00:22:12,017 --> 00:22:15,220
I've never wigged out
on pot before. That's like...

509
00:22:16,588 --> 00:22:18,923
Okay. All right.

510
00:22:18,924 --> 00:22:20,424
Yeah, I just... the whole...

511
00:22:20,425 --> 00:22:22,757
I feel like, you know,
the medical marijuana thing.

512
00:22:22,758 --> 00:22:25,660
I don't know how it's not legal
everywhere at this point.

513
00:22:25,661 --> 00:22:27,228
It doesn't make any sense.

514
00:22:27,229 --> 00:22:30,231
Because it's a drug,
I mean, if you know somebody

515
00:22:30,232 --> 00:22:32,192
that is like a cancer patient
or somebody in pain.

516
00:22:32,216 --> 00:22:33,734
You know that it helps 'em.

517
00:22:33,735 --> 00:22:35,803
You know that they've proven that.
It's a medicine.

518
00:22:35,804 --> 00:22:37,305
And now we're voting on
a medicine.

519
00:22:37,306 --> 00:22:39,146
I don't remember voting on
Oxycontin or Valium.

520
00:22:39,170 --> 00:22:41,172
They just made that shit legal.

521
00:22:41,173 --> 00:22:43,408
There's no rallies for Lipitor
or anything like that.

522
00:22:43,409 --> 00:22:45,410
Just kicking
a hacky sack around.

523
00:22:45,411 --> 00:22:47,011
Let's make an omelet
in this bitch.

524
00:22:47,012 --> 00:22:49,949
Come on,
put us some shrimp in it.

525
00:22:52,551 --> 00:22:55,420
I did like a half dozen shows
at medical marijuana rallies.

526
00:22:55,421 --> 00:22:56,985
That's really
where the problem is.

527
00:22:56,986 --> 00:22:58,486
That's why
it hasn't become legal.

528
00:22:58,487 --> 00:23:00,555
Because people don't take
that shit seriously.

529
00:23:00,556 --> 00:23:04,259
You know, it's always just a bunch
of jam bands and gyro stands.

530
00:23:04,260 --> 00:23:07,462
You know, there's not a lot
of legislation being passed

531
00:23:07,463 --> 00:23:08,964
or anything.

532
00:23:08,965 --> 00:23:10,465
I've never been to a
pharmaceutical convention,

533
00:23:10,466 --> 00:23:12,200
but I imagine
it's very organized, right?

534
00:23:12,201 --> 00:23:14,201
It's together, right?
It's in a Marriott somewhere.

535
00:23:14,225 --> 00:23:15,934
There's PowerPoint
presentations going on.

536
00:23:15,935 --> 00:23:17,269
They're in suits and ties,

537
00:23:17,270 --> 00:23:18,910
they're giving out
fishing trips and pens.

538
00:23:18,934 --> 00:23:20,806
And every pot rally
I've ever been to

539
00:23:20,807 --> 00:23:22,207
just starts off
with some random guy

540
00:23:22,231 --> 00:23:24,243
in a tie dyed
stumbling onstage like,

541
00:23:24,244 --> 00:23:26,945
"Hey everybody, check it out.
I made a bong out of a clarinet.

542
00:23:26,946 --> 00:23:30,146
Yeah, instructions to follow."

543
00:23:31,281 --> 00:23:33,115
"Hey, take a look at this
pie chart."

544
00:23:33,116 --> 00:23:35,818
Uh, that is an actual pie.
Billy's mom baked that.

545
00:23:35,819 --> 00:23:37,686
We're hungry as shit here.

546
00:23:37,687 --> 00:23:40,556
"Divvy that up."

547
00:23:40,557 --> 00:23:42,424
It's good intentions.
Don't get me wrong.

548
00:23:42,425 --> 00:23:45,127
Like 'cause there's always a guy
that wrote a speech

549
00:23:45,128 --> 00:23:48,361
and, uh, but that day he decided
to eat a pot brownie.

550
00:23:48,362 --> 00:23:50,463
Uh, so he lost his speech.
He's gonna wing it.

551
00:23:50,464 --> 00:23:52,431
That's a good idea
when you're high so.

552
00:23:52,432 --> 00:23:54,552
He's just up there struggling,
tripping out, you know?

553
00:23:54,576 --> 00:23:57,870
It's like, ah, glaucoma
something with that,

554
00:23:57,871 --> 00:24:00,540
um, itchy clothing.

555
00:24:04,708 --> 00:24:07,043
It always ends the same way
with the worst argument ever.

556
00:24:07,044 --> 00:24:09,579
Don't use this argument
if you're pro pot.

557
00:24:09,580 --> 00:24:11,147
"It's from the earth."

558
00:24:11,148 --> 00:24:13,750
Right, I mean, why would God
have put it here

559
00:24:13,751 --> 00:24:15,585
if he didn't want us
to smoke it?

560
00:24:15,586 --> 00:24:16,920
"It is from the earth."

561
00:24:18,989 --> 00:24:20,687
I just wanna be like,
"Yeah, excuse me."

562
00:24:20,688 --> 00:24:22,222
Uh yeah,
everything's from the earth.

563
00:24:22,223 --> 00:24:23,757
I didn't know
if you knew that or not.

564
00:24:23,758 --> 00:24:25,425
We didn't get a shipment in
from Mars.

565
00:24:25,426 --> 00:24:27,761
I don't know if you're gonna
start smoking arsenic,

566
00:24:27,762 --> 00:24:29,195
or do a bong hit of lava.

567
00:24:29,196 --> 00:24:31,831
"Let's settle that little
argument right there."

568
00:24:31,832 --> 00:24:34,167
Get Sanjay Gupta down here.
He's got a tie.

569
00:24:34,168 --> 00:24:37,201
He did two documentaries on it.
It's gotta be true.

570
00:24:41,472 --> 00:24:43,753
You know who I'll be happy for
once it's completely legal?

571
00:24:43,777 --> 00:24:46,476
Are the people
that own the head shops.

572
00:24:46,477 --> 00:24:49,446
You know the paraphernalia stores
that sell all the stuff for pot.

573
00:24:49,447 --> 00:24:52,946
But just 'cause then they can
finally be themselves.

574
00:24:52,947 --> 00:24:54,615
You know?

575
00:24:54,616 --> 00:24:57,685
'Cause they can't...
Everything in the stores for pot

576
00:24:57,686 --> 00:25:00,387
and they can't like admit that.

577
00:25:00,388 --> 00:25:02,389
They have to pretend
like it's...

578
00:25:02,390 --> 00:25:04,058
"Oh yeah,
this thing with the...?"

579
00:25:04,059 --> 00:25:07,061
Oh yeah, that six foot
glass bong with the.

580
00:25:07,062 --> 00:25:10,227
"Game of Thrones" theme on it
right there.

581
00:25:10,228 --> 00:25:12,029
That's for flavored tobacco
right there.

582
00:25:12,030 --> 00:25:14,031
And if you mention pot
in this store,

583
00:25:14,032 --> 00:25:16,500
I will throw you out right now.

584
00:25:16,501 --> 00:25:18,202
We also have scales
for weighing jewelry.

585
00:25:18,203 --> 00:25:20,304
If you're into that, and, uh,

586
00:25:20,305 --> 00:25:23,741
we got, uh, shaving cream can
with a false bottom.

587
00:25:23,742 --> 00:25:26,240
Put your house key on it,
front porch, totally believable.

588
00:25:26,241 --> 00:25:29,577
No one will know. Very discreet.

589
00:25:29,578 --> 00:25:32,780
And then there's a Tony Montana
shirt behind it with a weed leaf

590
00:25:32,781 --> 00:25:34,048
for some reason.

591
00:25:34,049 --> 00:25:35,409
It's like he didn't even
smoke pot.

592
00:25:35,433 --> 00:25:37,402
I'm pretty sure
that shirt exists.

593
00:25:39,421 --> 00:25:40,822
Nah.

594
00:25:40,823 --> 00:25:42,954
Uh, if you do drugs be careful.

595
00:25:42,955 --> 00:25:47,058
'Cause I don't know if you've seen a
show "Lock Up." You ever seen that show?

596
00:25:47,059 --> 00:25:49,794
It's on rerun now, but they bring
the cameras inside of the prison

597
00:25:49,795 --> 00:25:51,963
and they show you around
and they scare you

598
00:25:51,964 --> 00:25:54,766
so you don't think bad
for like two weeks.

599
00:25:54,767 --> 00:25:57,669
Not everybody but it's over
50% of the people in there

600
00:25:57,670 --> 00:25:59,234
they are drug offenders.

601
00:25:59,235 --> 00:26:01,136
And the average sentence
for a drug offender

602
00:26:01,137 --> 00:26:03,177
is longer than everything
except murder, everything.

603
00:26:03,201 --> 00:26:05,841
Burglary, aggravated assault,
sexual assault.

604
00:26:05,842 --> 00:26:07,776
It's messed up, right?

605
00:26:07,777 --> 00:26:10,846
That's why if you ever get pulled
over and you have drugs in your car,

606
00:26:10,847 --> 00:26:14,850
you know, you should
just rape the cop.

607
00:26:14,851 --> 00:26:16,515
You're saving jail time,
all right?

608
00:26:16,516 --> 00:26:19,218
Just bend him over the cruiser,
take 'em with the night stick...

609
00:26:19,219 --> 00:26:21,086
Whatever term you wanna use...

610
00:26:21,087 --> 00:26:22,688
You're gonna have great street
credit when you get to prison.

611
00:26:22,689 --> 00:26:24,689
Like, "What you rob, a bank?"
"Yeah, fucked a cop."

612
00:26:24,713 --> 00:26:27,326
So, uh, guess who gets
bottom bunk.

613
00:26:27,327 --> 00:26:29,995
Get outta there.
Get me some cigarettes.

614
00:26:29,996 --> 00:26:32,529
I'm running this cellblock now.

615
00:26:32,530 --> 00:26:34,097
I'm running it.

616
00:26:38,268 --> 00:26:40,970
So that's that. All the run stuff's
bad for you, though, right?

617
00:26:40,971 --> 00:26:42,972
Food, drugs, alcohol.

618
00:26:42,973 --> 00:26:45,808
Everybody's drinking tonight,
right?

619
00:26:45,809 --> 00:26:48,043
Okay.

620
00:26:48,044 --> 00:26:50,543
I like drinking,
you know, I don't...

621
00:26:50,544 --> 00:26:54,914
I don't like, uh, I don't
like people that drink tough.

622
00:26:54,915 --> 00:26:57,316
There's a lot of bad drinkers
out there, right?

623
00:26:57,317 --> 00:26:59,719
- Man: Yep.
- Probably one here in the corner.

624
00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:02,321
All right, yeah,
that's what I thought.

625
00:27:02,322 --> 00:27:05,158
Doesn't pay attention.
All right.

626
00:27:05,159 --> 00:27:07,079
Yeah, that's the problem
with bad drinkers though

627
00:27:07,103 --> 00:27:09,659
is there's no, uh,
there's no penalty for 'em.

628
00:27:09,660 --> 00:27:12,100
They just wake up the next morning,
they do it all over again.

629
00:27:12,124 --> 00:27:13,897
They're just assholes, right?

630
00:27:13,898 --> 00:27:15,899
There should be.
I have a solution.

631
00:27:15,900 --> 00:27:18,601
Is we license everybody
to drink, right?

632
00:27:18,602 --> 00:27:19,936
You don't have to take a test.

633
00:27:19,937 --> 00:27:22,602
You turn 21,
you get a drinking license.

634
00:27:22,603 --> 00:27:24,805
Then you can lose that
drinking license the same way

635
00:27:24,806 --> 00:27:26,273
you can your drivers license

636
00:27:26,274 --> 00:27:28,742
if you don't, you know,
drink properly.

637
00:27:28,743 --> 00:27:31,745
All right, not popular.
All right, that's, uh...

638
00:27:31,746 --> 00:27:32,979
You need a license to fish.

639
00:27:32,980 --> 00:27:34,300
You guys are aware of that,
right?

640
00:27:34,324 --> 00:27:35,749
To catch a bass
you need a license.

641
00:27:35,750 --> 00:27:38,285
If you order eight shots
of Jager, I feel like

642
00:27:38,286 --> 00:27:40,818
there should be some paperwork
involved, right?

643
00:27:40,819 --> 00:27:42,152
Hand that over.
You should have to look at

644
00:27:42,153 --> 00:27:43,753
their drinking history
for a minute like,

645
00:27:43,777 --> 00:27:45,556
"All right,
it says here five years ago,"

646
00:27:45,557 --> 00:27:48,358
you masturbated in a bar window.

647
00:27:48,359 --> 00:27:50,439
Yeah, it's on the list.
I don't need to look at that.

648
00:27:50,463 --> 00:27:52,396
"You're not allowed
to drink tonight."

649
00:27:52,397 --> 00:27:54,698
It's like a point system, right?
I have it all worked out.

650
00:27:54,699 --> 00:27:56,263
It's like a point system that...

651
00:27:56,264 --> 00:27:58,264
Here's what I have so far
for the drinking license.

652
00:27:58,288 --> 00:28:02,002
Um, if you're in a bar
and you just go, "Woo-hoo!"

653
00:28:02,003 --> 00:28:04,138
That's a warning right there,
right?

654
00:28:04,139 --> 00:28:06,459
Whatever's going on in your
head, shut that down right now.

655
00:28:06,483 --> 00:28:08,609
You wanna throw a dart
at the back of somebody's leg,

656
00:28:08,610 --> 00:28:10,578
that's not funny, all right?

657
00:28:10,579 --> 00:28:14,278
You vomit in a friends car, three
points on your drinking license.

658
00:28:14,279 --> 00:28:17,548
You take a shit in public, immediate
suspension of your license.

659
00:28:17,549 --> 00:28:19,817
You gotta take a year off,
regroup, get an instructor.

660
00:28:19,818 --> 00:28:22,353
You can't just do that
in a parking lot.

661
00:28:22,354 --> 00:28:24,155
You're not allowed, right.

662
00:28:24,156 --> 00:28:25,690
Makes a little sense now, right?

663
00:28:25,691 --> 00:28:27,458
'Cause right now
there's nothing.

664
00:28:27,459 --> 00:28:29,324
There's nothing to stop you if
you're a bad drinker. Nothing.

665
00:28:29,325 --> 00:28:31,359
The one thing you can do,
you can get a DUI.

666
00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:33,728
But if you get a DUI, they take
away your driver's license,

667
00:28:33,729 --> 00:28:37,398
but, you know,
you can still drink.

668
00:28:37,399 --> 00:28:40,935
That doesn't make sense now that
I said that out loud, right?

669
00:28:40,936 --> 00:28:42,470
Hey, no more drive...
You know what?

670
00:28:42,471 --> 00:28:44,772
Keep drinking though.
You're really good at it.

671
00:28:44,773 --> 00:28:46,304
You blew a .23
you should be dead.

672
00:28:46,305 --> 00:28:48,907
You're like an expert.

673
00:28:48,908 --> 00:28:50,909
Yeah, put a beer in a bag,
piss on some doorsteps.

674
00:28:50,910 --> 00:28:52,444
That's all we want.

675
00:28:52,445 --> 00:28:56,281
Ride a bike to work.
That'll help your self-esteem.

676
00:28:56,282 --> 00:29:01,353
Nah, you just take the drinking
license, you let 'em drive.

677
00:29:01,354 --> 00:29:04,553
Red Light cameras.
Nobody likes those, right?

678
00:29:04,554 --> 00:29:06,121
Okay.

679
00:29:06,122 --> 00:29:09,791
Okay, but you take that same
technology put it in a bar

680
00:29:09,792 --> 00:29:14,329
and then if you were hitting on somebody
you normally wouldn't hit on sober,

681
00:29:14,330 --> 00:29:17,299
you get a ticket
in the mail, right?

682
00:29:17,300 --> 00:29:19,832
Just a picture of you.
Look who you almost fucked.

683
00:29:19,833 --> 00:29:22,268
Look at that.

684
00:29:22,269 --> 00:29:25,104
That's a stool. You tried to have
sex with a stool for some reason.

685
00:29:25,105 --> 00:29:28,240
Eight points on your license.

686
00:29:28,241 --> 00:29:30,143
Get some tweezers.

687
00:29:33,513 --> 00:29:36,245
Yeah, I don't know if it would
stop drunk driving though.

688
00:29:36,246 --> 00:29:38,047
That's the thing.

689
00:29:38,048 --> 00:29:42,051
'Cause nobody really wants
to drink and drive, right?

690
00:29:42,052 --> 00:29:44,153
Nobody ever starts off
the night,

691
00:29:44,154 --> 00:29:46,022
"Let's get drunk
and hit a dude on a bike."

692
00:29:46,023 --> 00:29:49,892
No one ever says that,
but it happens, right?

693
00:29:49,893 --> 00:29:51,761
You know why?
'Cause when you're sober

694
00:29:51,762 --> 00:29:53,493
you're making good decisions.

695
00:29:53,494 --> 00:29:56,262
When you drink your decision
making goes out the window.

696
00:29:56,263 --> 00:29:58,783
Yeah, when I'm sober. I'm like,
"Yeah, I don't drink and drive."

697
00:29:58,807 --> 00:30:02,201
Ten beers later, you know, I'm eating a
taco out of a trash can or something.

698
00:30:02,202 --> 00:30:06,205
You know, like car keys have
lost priority at that point.

699
00:30:06,206 --> 00:30:08,441
Don't drink and drive.
I drink a bunch of Tequila

700
00:30:08,442 --> 00:30:10,307
and now I'm getting a blow job
from some lady

701
00:30:10,308 --> 00:30:13,043
with an Adam's apple,
I'm like, "All right."

702
00:30:13,044 --> 00:30:15,178
Ma'am, sir, if you can put on
a turtleneck or a scarf

703
00:30:15,179 --> 00:30:16,746
that'd be great,
I'm okay with this,

704
00:30:16,747 --> 00:30:19,717
"but I just need some
visual aids."

705
00:30:21,285 --> 00:30:23,887
All right.

706
00:30:23,888 --> 00:30:29,189
Some people don't like to kid
around about that, drunk driving's.

707
00:30:29,190 --> 00:30:32,059
Yeah, it's a serious thing,
though, I understand.

708
00:30:32,060 --> 00:30:33,820
Sometimes people get killed
by a drunk driver

709
00:30:33,844 --> 00:30:37,164
and then you see it on the news
or read it online.

710
00:30:37,165 --> 00:30:39,446
They interview the family
of the neighbors and the friends

711
00:30:39,470 --> 00:30:41,068
and it's like
always a good person.

712
00:30:41,069 --> 00:30:43,901
And then you're just like,
"Yeah, that sucks."

713
00:30:43,902 --> 00:30:45,769
You gotta think
just once and awhile though.

714
00:30:45,770 --> 00:30:47,571
There's gotta be a case
where a drunk driver

715
00:30:47,572 --> 00:30:49,873
gets it right
and kill a dickhead, right?

716
00:30:49,874 --> 00:30:53,344
They'd be interviewing the neighbors and
the friends and family and by like,

717
00:30:53,345 --> 00:30:55,546
"Yeah, he was, uh, he was sort
of a prick actually."

718
00:30:55,547 --> 00:30:58,749
We feel, uh, we feel really good
about it around here.

719
00:30:58,750 --> 00:31:00,414
He, uh, he kicked my dog
last week.

720
00:31:00,415 --> 00:31:02,083
We were gonna cut
his brake lines anyway.

721
00:31:02,084 --> 00:31:04,319
It was sort of a godsend.

722
00:31:06,021 --> 00:31:11,960
So, uh, pretty much my whole life has
been a series of poor decisions.

723
00:31:13,095 --> 00:31:15,831
Okay, not the joke again.

724
00:31:17,863 --> 00:31:23,067
That's the difference between a motivational
speaker and a comedian basically.

725
00:31:23,068 --> 00:31:24,936
Tony Robbins made all
the right decisions

726
00:31:24,937 --> 00:31:27,071
and then, you know,
I'm up here talking about it.

727
00:31:27,072 --> 00:31:30,074
"I fucking don't process food
correctly,

728
00:31:30,075 --> 00:31:33,242
and I did a lot of drugs."

729
00:31:34,410 --> 00:31:36,411
I don't know why that is though,
man, I just...

730
00:31:36,412 --> 00:31:38,947
I made like a series
of just shitty decisions.

731
00:31:38,948 --> 00:31:40,749
Like my mom did a really good
job raising me.

732
00:31:40,750 --> 00:31:44,986
I just... some other things,
you know, that I'm not sure.

733
00:31:44,987 --> 00:31:46,321
You know, I can blame my dad.

734
00:31:46,322 --> 00:31:49,322
He wasn't around at all,
like ever.

735
00:31:49,323 --> 00:31:51,490
I'm not trying to make it sad.
I'm just... facts.

736
00:31:51,491 --> 00:31:53,225
That's how I know
I'm not famous yet.

737
00:31:53,226 --> 00:31:54,993
He hasn't tried
to contact me directly.

738
00:31:54,994 --> 00:31:58,431
You know, ask for money
or anything.

739
00:32:00,500 --> 00:32:03,368
Literally last time I saw my dad
I was probably like 12.

740
00:32:03,369 --> 00:32:06,036
It was around Christmas and it
was like the first Christmas

741
00:32:06,037 --> 00:32:07,903
where I had money to buy gifts.

742
00:32:07,904 --> 00:32:09,384
Do you remember that
when you're a kid

743
00:32:09,408 --> 00:32:11,907
and you thought about
your bullshit chores

744
00:32:11,908 --> 00:32:13,668
and you're like,
"I wanna feel like an adult.

745
00:32:13,692 --> 00:32:15,144
I'm gonna get some gifts
this year."

746
00:32:15,145 --> 00:32:17,305
And they were shitty gifts
'cause you had probably like

747
00:32:17,329 --> 00:32:18,580
$21 to spend.

748
00:32:18,581 --> 00:32:20,621
But there was a thought there
that's probably better

749
00:32:20,622 --> 00:32:22,662
than anyone, you know,
than an adult would give you.

750
00:32:22,686 --> 00:32:24,383
So they were appreciated.

751
00:32:24,384 --> 00:32:27,319
You know, like my mom...
My mom likes sailing

752
00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:29,855
so I got her a Velcro wallet
with sailboats on it.

753
00:32:29,856 --> 00:32:32,058
I know.
She probably didn't use that.

754
00:32:32,059 --> 00:32:36,262
My grandmother liked to cook.
So I got her a wok.

755
00:32:36,263 --> 00:32:38,697
I mean, she wasn't Asian,
but I like stir-fry.

756
00:32:38,698 --> 00:32:42,432
It was on sale so that's.
Hook it up.

757
00:32:42,433 --> 00:32:44,500
And then my mom was like,
"We're gonna see your dad.

758
00:32:44,501 --> 00:32:46,135
Do you wanna get him a gift."

759
00:32:46,136 --> 00:32:48,671
But like I know you people
better than I know my dad.

760
00:32:48,672 --> 00:32:50,173
So I didn't know what to,

761
00:32:50,174 --> 00:32:52,475
you know, I didn't have any
thought process there.

762
00:32:52,476 --> 00:32:55,716
So I was like, all right, and I just pointed
at the first thing I saw in the store

763
00:32:55,740 --> 00:32:58,206
and it was steel wool.

764
00:32:59,380 --> 00:33:01,047
You know what that is?

765
00:33:01,048 --> 00:33:03,049
It's a shitty gift.
That's what that is.

766
00:33:03,050 --> 00:33:05,485
That's not a good gift
for a son to give to a dad

767
00:33:05,486 --> 00:33:09,222
unless he's a dishwasher
or a carpenter or something.

768
00:33:09,223 --> 00:33:10,423
Which he wasn't.

769
00:33:10,424 --> 00:33:14,157
That's like literally
the number one gift

770
00:33:14,158 --> 00:33:16,159
that you give a deadbeat dad.

771
00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:19,329
He'd be like at the Deadbeat Dad
Olympics, top podium,

772
00:33:19,330 --> 00:33:22,332
holding onto a piece of steel
wool singing his anthem,

773
00:33:22,333 --> 00:33:26,536
♪ Cats in the cradle
and the silver spoon... ♪

774
00:33:26,537 --> 00:33:28,805
Yeah.

775
00:33:28,806 --> 00:33:31,805
So my mom and him
were divorced and she, uh,

776
00:33:31,806 --> 00:33:33,507
you know, she's trying to be
a good parent

777
00:33:33,508 --> 00:33:36,510
and not show how much distaste
she had for my father,

778
00:33:36,511 --> 00:33:39,379
but... so she goes, "Are you sure
that's what you wanna get him?"

779
00:33:39,380 --> 00:33:42,149
But I know inside she was like,
"Let's wrap that shit up right now."

780
00:33:42,150 --> 00:33:44,352
That's, that's a great gift."

781
00:33:46,218 --> 00:33:48,953
And here's what my mom did to get
over at my dad a little bit.

782
00:33:48,954 --> 00:33:52,289
She put it like in progressively
larger boxes,

783
00:33:52,290 --> 00:33:55,526
you know, just like
a Russian nesting doll

784
00:33:55,527 --> 00:33:58,362
until it just got this big and
I walked in with a giant gift,

785
00:33:58,363 --> 00:34:00,798
like a little kid like,
"Hey dad." He's like, "Oh shit.

786
00:34:00,799 --> 00:34:02,439
I didn't expect to get
that big of a gift.

787
00:34:02,463 --> 00:34:05,133
And then he just unwrapping
them all... unwrapping

788
00:34:05,134 --> 00:34:06,801
till he got to the final box,

789
00:34:06,802 --> 00:34:09,203
and it's just a six pack
of Brillo right there.

790
00:34:09,204 --> 00:34:11,305
Yeah, that means
you're a shitty dad.

791
00:34:11,306 --> 00:34:14,308
I didn't say that but I think
the message was sent there.

792
00:34:14,309 --> 00:34:17,078
So maybe that's it.
I don't know.

793
00:34:17,079 --> 00:34:21,079
I did a lot of drugs
when I was young.

794
00:34:21,080 --> 00:34:25,116
I shoulda died a bunch of times.

795
00:34:25,117 --> 00:34:28,019
Yeah, Ketamine.

796
00:34:28,020 --> 00:34:30,355
They're using that
to treat depression now.

797
00:34:30,356 --> 00:34:34,058
That's not what we used it for,
but okay that's...

798
00:34:34,059 --> 00:34:37,726
GHB. We did that on purpose.

799
00:34:37,727 --> 00:34:40,328
That's known as
the date rape drug now.

800
00:34:40,329 --> 00:34:42,998
But that's not what
it was known as back then.

801
00:34:42,999 --> 00:34:45,200
You know, things change.

802
00:34:45,201 --> 00:34:46,935
You know, things start one way,

803
00:34:46,936 --> 00:34:49,016
and then they go through
some sort of transformation.

804
00:34:49,017 --> 00:34:50,518
Sometimes they get
a little seedy.

805
00:34:50,519 --> 00:34:53,105
You know, I remember when
a massage just meant

806
00:34:53,106 --> 00:34:56,108
you were going to get, you know,
your back worked on.

807
00:34:56,109 --> 00:34:58,911
And now you gotta specify that,
right?

808
00:34:58,912 --> 00:35:01,079
That's a tough job,
massage therapy.

809
00:35:01,080 --> 00:35:03,081
That's the only job
where you have to tell somebody

810
00:35:03,082 --> 00:35:06,752
whether they're getting
jerked off at the end or not.

811
00:35:06,753 --> 00:35:08,553
You can never be getting
your taxes done like,

812
00:35:08,577 --> 00:35:10,052
"This is all about deductions,

813
00:35:10,053 --> 00:35:13,255
you know, there's no hand jobs
at the end of this right?"

814
00:35:13,256 --> 00:35:14,590
So that's what happened.

815
00:35:14,591 --> 00:35:16,091
GHB, it's a natural occurring

816
00:35:16,092 --> 00:35:17,793
like, you know,
chemical in your body

817
00:35:17,794 --> 00:35:19,795
and it's started off
as a workout supplement.

818
00:35:19,796 --> 00:35:22,765
People would take
like a capful of GHB,

819
00:35:22,766 --> 00:35:24,567
they'd workout,
take a capful of GHB

820
00:35:24,568 --> 00:35:26,833
and then they'd pass out.

821
00:35:26,834 --> 00:35:29,474
They'd go into a really shallow
breathing state and almost be un...

822
00:35:29,498 --> 00:35:30,636
You know, almost dead,

823
00:35:30,637 --> 00:35:32,672
and then they'd wake up and like
ready to go workout again.

824
00:35:32,673 --> 00:35:35,241
And then somebody figured out
if you took a little bit less

825
00:35:35,242 --> 00:35:36,962
it was like fun.
It was like taking ecstasy.

826
00:35:36,986 --> 00:35:39,846
You'd dance, you'd party
and then some Russian guys...

827
00:35:39,847 --> 00:35:42,747
That's what I assume... figured out
that if you put it in women's drinks,

828
00:35:42,748 --> 00:35:44,113
you could take advantage of 'em.

829
00:35:44,114 --> 00:35:46,916
So that's,
that's the difference.

830
00:35:46,917 --> 00:35:50,119
That's the difference if you're
doing drugs that you decide to take

831
00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:52,655
versus somebody giving it to 'em
and you not knowing, you know?

832
00:35:52,656 --> 00:35:55,858
I mean, the best analogy I can come up
with is if you just had to get up early

833
00:35:55,859 --> 00:35:57,739
so you set your alarm
for five a.m. and you knew

834
00:35:57,763 --> 00:35:59,626
they were gonna have to wake up
at that hour

835
00:35:59,627 --> 00:36:02,829
versus somebody sneaking in your
house and then waking you up

836
00:36:02,830 --> 00:36:04,731
by raping you.

837
00:36:04,732 --> 00:36:07,167
I feel like
that's the best analogy so.

838
00:36:07,168 --> 00:36:09,069
Big difference there so.

839
00:36:09,070 --> 00:36:11,605
So we did this on purpose,
and here's...

840
00:36:11,606 --> 00:36:13,273
This is why poor decisions.

841
00:36:13,274 --> 00:36:16,340
I'm telling you like I shoulda
died a million times.

842
00:36:16,341 --> 00:36:18,842
One weekend we were up like
the whole weekend

843
00:36:18,843 --> 00:36:20,844
and then one
of our friends suggested,

844
00:36:20,845 --> 00:36:24,114
"Hey, we should do like a cap
of G and then pass out."

845
00:36:24,115 --> 00:36:28,986
And we did that, but we also
decided to go snorkeling.

846
00:36:28,987 --> 00:36:31,054
And I don't know if you were
paying attention,

847
00:36:31,055 --> 00:36:33,887
uh, the GHB makes you almost
stop breathing

848
00:36:33,888 --> 00:36:35,889
and snorkeling
pretty much breathing.

849
00:36:35,890 --> 00:36:37,891
That's what that exercise is.

850
00:36:37,892 --> 00:36:40,092
But I'm alive, I'm here.
I don't know how that happened,

851
00:36:40,116 --> 00:36:42,229
but good day of snorkeling,
let me tell you, man,

852
00:36:42,230 --> 00:36:44,932
this one fish was looking at me
like she wanted to...

853
00:36:44,933 --> 00:36:47,434
Okay, that's not how it was,
but that's...

854
00:36:47,435 --> 00:36:49,835
Good thing I'm alive, though,
that would be a bad way to die.

855
00:36:49,836 --> 00:36:51,556
They'd scoop me up off the reef
and be like,

856
00:36:51,580 --> 00:36:53,537
"Well, uh,
we don't know how he died,

857
00:36:53,538 --> 00:36:56,742
but we do know he was raped
earlier so that's, uh"...

858
00:37:00,812 --> 00:37:02,613
So that's it. I don't know.

859
00:37:02,614 --> 00:37:06,116
Maybe I... maybe I just didn't
have religion in my life.

860
00:37:06,117 --> 00:37:07,782
I don't know if people
are religious here.

861
00:37:07,783 --> 00:37:09,284
I was not religious.

862
00:37:09,285 --> 00:37:12,620
One summer we went
to church camp, I was like,

863
00:37:12,621 --> 00:37:15,523
"That's it, God. This is your opportunity.
Convert me right now."

864
00:37:15,524 --> 00:37:17,625
I've been raised as a heathen.

865
00:37:17,626 --> 00:37:21,829
And so we got on this bus and we went
to church camp in Lakeland, Florida,

866
00:37:21,830 --> 00:37:24,629
and this is what
they decided to do.

867
00:37:24,630 --> 00:37:27,999
Uh, first thing out of the gate
they got us into an auditorium

868
00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:32,137
and then, um,
the minister's son or the...

869
00:37:32,138 --> 00:37:35,874
I don't know which ones
can have sex, the, you know,

870
00:37:35,875 --> 00:37:37,342
not with kids, with women,
you know what I'm talking about?

871
00:37:37,343 --> 00:37:38,843
But that's, uh...

872
00:37:38,844 --> 00:37:40,342
Hah-hah, all right.

873
00:37:40,343 --> 00:37:42,423
But whichever one, I think it
was the minister's son,

874
00:37:42,424 --> 00:37:44,325
he got up there A cappella
with the microphone,

875
00:37:44,326 --> 00:37:46,782
and this is how they decided
to try and convert us.

876
00:37:46,783 --> 00:37:48,750
This started off...

877
00:37:48,751 --> 00:37:53,255
♪ Jesus, Jesus,
rocks you, rocks you ♪

878
00:37:53,256 --> 00:37:56,622
♪ Jesus, Jesus, rocks you... ♪

879
00:37:56,623 --> 00:37:59,743
All right, I'm out, Jesus. I gave you a
shot, all right, just start up the bus.

880
00:37:59,767 --> 00:38:01,327
Get me back on there.

881
00:38:01,328 --> 00:38:04,128
I'm pretty sure Freddie Mercury
wouldn't be allowed at this church camp

882
00:38:04,152 --> 00:38:05,497
right here so.

883
00:38:05,498 --> 00:38:08,168
It's a weird choice of songs.

884
00:38:10,351 --> 00:38:12,071
We're in Florida.
This is where Jesus lives.

885
00:38:12,072 --> 00:38:13,936
I don't know
if you know that or not.

886
00:38:13,937 --> 00:38:16,257
In Orlando there's a religious
theme park called Holy Land.

887
00:38:16,281 --> 00:38:18,140
- Man: Yep.
- Holy Land Experience.

888
00:38:18,141 --> 00:38:19,109
Jesus is there.

889
00:38:19,110 --> 00:38:20,943
They crucify him
three times a day.

890
00:38:20,944 --> 00:38:22,244
It's in the brochure.

891
00:38:22,245 --> 00:38:23,713
I swear to Allah.

892
00:38:23,714 --> 00:38:25,715
I'm sure it's a great theme park.
It's in Orlando.

893
00:38:25,716 --> 00:38:27,383
All the best theme parks
are there.

894
00:38:27,384 --> 00:38:29,384
You go in, there's
probably a locust exhibit

895
00:38:29,385 --> 00:38:31,951
and you get to stone somebody
to death at the end.

896
00:38:31,952 --> 00:38:35,788
I'm just saying if you go, I'm just saying
if you go to the Holy Land Experience,

897
00:38:35,789 --> 00:38:38,124
don't bring your kids.

898
00:38:38,125 --> 00:38:40,193
They don't wanna go to Orlando
to meet Jesus.

899
00:38:40,194 --> 00:38:41,661
They wanna...

900
00:38:41,662 --> 00:38:43,830
And they might have a good time,
but they're gonna have to stay

901
00:38:43,831 --> 00:38:45,264
in the same hotel
with all the other kids,

902
00:38:45,265 --> 00:38:47,185
you know, with the mouse ears on
and Hulk shirts,

903
00:38:47,209 --> 00:38:49,366
and they're just standing there
with a robe on

904
00:38:49,367 --> 00:38:50,900
and a fake Moses beard like,

905
00:38:50,901 --> 00:38:53,903
"All right, this sucks.
This crown of thorns hurts."

906
00:38:53,904 --> 00:38:55,505
"It's supposed to, all right?

907
00:38:55,506 --> 00:38:58,242
If you don't bleed,
we're not going to IHOP."

908
00:39:02,812 --> 00:39:05,712
I don't know. It seems like it
might be fun to be religious.

909
00:39:05,713 --> 00:39:06,880
I don't know. I'm just not.

910
00:39:06,881 --> 00:39:09,082
That's how it is. I try.

911
00:39:09,083 --> 00:39:10,884
I travel a lot
so sometimes I listen...

912
00:39:10,885 --> 00:39:12,719
Sometimes you don't get any
radio stations.

913
00:39:12,720 --> 00:39:16,623
I listen to AM radio and occasionally
prayer hour will come on.

914
00:39:16,624 --> 00:39:18,492
You know what that is?

915
00:39:18,493 --> 00:39:19,990
It's like people call in
with prayers

916
00:39:19,991 --> 00:39:21,558
and then they say 'em
over the radio

917
00:39:21,559 --> 00:39:23,027
and then everybody
prays for 'em,

918
00:39:23,028 --> 00:39:24,868
power of positive thinking,
you know, whatever.

919
00:39:24,892 --> 00:39:26,363
Which is a good idea.

920
00:39:26,364 --> 00:39:28,324
But one time when I was driving
through New Mexico

921
00:39:28,348 --> 00:39:30,801
I don't think they had a good
screener for the prayers

922
00:39:30,802 --> 00:39:33,537
'cause there was a lot of shitty
prayers that got through on this.

923
00:39:33,538 --> 00:39:35,038
There was some legit ones like,

924
00:39:35,039 --> 00:39:37,905
"Please pray for a man
with diabetes or cancer."

925
00:39:37,906 --> 00:39:39,874
But then one of 'em was,

926
00:39:39,875 --> 00:39:45,246
"Please pray for a woman to get her
garage door fixed at a good price."

927
00:39:45,247 --> 00:39:47,415
Yeah, I hope God has a
pop-up blocker for prayers

928
00:39:47,416 --> 00:39:50,217
'cause that's like getting a dick
pump ad in the middle of this.

929
00:39:50,218 --> 00:39:52,219
Can you imagine?

930
00:39:52,220 --> 00:39:54,752
Some kid that's just starving,
you know, somebody like,

931
00:39:54,753 --> 00:39:56,988
"Please God,
I need medicine and food."

932
00:39:56,989 --> 00:40:00,024
He's like, "Hold on, skinny, I'm
talking to Home Depot right now."

933
00:40:00,025 --> 00:40:02,727
They're trying to highball me
on these garage door springs

934
00:40:02,728 --> 00:40:04,629
"for some bitch in Ocala."

935
00:40:04,630 --> 00:40:07,165
I don't think he'd say bitch,
but whatever he would say.

936
00:40:07,166 --> 00:40:09,333
Maybe he'd be angry
by that point.

937
00:40:09,334 --> 00:40:11,734
Customer service sucks.

938
00:40:17,006 --> 00:40:18,773
Well, I hope God
doesn't exist though.

939
00:40:18,774 --> 00:40:21,443
Seriously,
I'm a compulsive gambler.

940
00:40:21,444 --> 00:40:22,944
I made a lot of deals with God,

941
00:40:22,945 --> 00:40:25,513
and I didn't hold up
my end of the bargain at all.

942
00:40:25,514 --> 00:40:27,554
I'd just be like, "Please God,
let me win this bet."

943
00:40:27,578 --> 00:40:29,414
I'll never gamble again."
And then I'd win it

944
00:40:29,415 --> 00:40:32,150
and just be like, "Well, I never
got a confirmation email."

945
00:40:32,151 --> 00:40:35,220
So I'm gonna assume
that one hit the firewall."

946
00:40:35,221 --> 00:40:38,623
Very tech savvy God
and my jokes.

947
00:40:38,624 --> 00:40:41,359
He's a computer programmer.

948
00:40:41,360 --> 00:40:44,026
Yeah, so addiction.
Maybe that's it, right?

949
00:40:44,027 --> 00:40:47,196
I go to Gamblers Anonymous...
GA... that's what it's called.

950
00:40:47,197 --> 00:40:50,365
It's just like Alcoholics
Anonymous and NA and all that.

951
00:40:50,366 --> 00:40:52,167
A little bit different though.

952
00:40:52,168 --> 00:40:55,103
And NA and AA for the year
anniversary you get a poker chip,

953
00:40:55,104 --> 00:40:58,173
which would be inappropriate
for Gamblers Anonymous.

954
00:40:58,174 --> 00:41:01,006
So we get little miniature
Corona bottles and needles.

955
00:41:01,007 --> 00:41:05,311
So that's pretty.
It's not true. Okay?

956
00:41:05,312 --> 00:41:07,379
Not true.

957
00:41:07,380 --> 00:41:10,316
I went to a GA meeting in Vegas
one time, Las Vegas,

958
00:41:10,317 --> 00:41:12,117
and it was packed.

959
00:41:12,118 --> 00:41:14,887
But with people that live in Las
Vegas that are addicted to gambling

960
00:41:14,888 --> 00:41:17,687
I was like, that... you should...
You should probably leave.

961
00:41:17,688 --> 00:41:19,822
This town, there's,
get on a highway.

962
00:41:19,823 --> 00:41:23,025
I feel like that's step one
right there, right.

963
00:41:23,026 --> 00:41:25,027
It's a bad place to live
if you're addicted to gambling.

964
00:41:25,028 --> 00:41:26,362
It's like being an alcoholic

965
00:41:26,363 --> 00:41:27,930
and living inside
of a whisky barrel.

966
00:41:27,931 --> 00:41:30,867
You know, it's not advised.

967
00:41:30,868 --> 00:41:32,168
You can gamble on elections now.

968
00:41:32,169 --> 00:41:33,967
I don't know
if you knew that or not.

969
00:41:33,968 --> 00:41:36,903
Yeah, any presidential race
they'll have odds on that

970
00:41:36,904 --> 00:41:39,824
which has got to be the worst way to
lose your money gambling is politics.

971
00:41:39,848 --> 00:41:41,941
It's bad enough sports,
but politics,

972
00:41:41,942 --> 00:41:44,022
how are you gonna explain
that to your family, right?

973
00:41:44,023 --> 00:41:45,623
"Hey, why don't we have
a house anymore?"

974
00:41:45,647 --> 00:41:46,880
"I'll tell you why.

975
00:41:46,881 --> 00:41:49,162
Because Latinos didn't come out
to vote in New Hampshire."

976
00:41:49,186 --> 00:41:50,447
That's why so.

977
00:41:50,448 --> 00:41:55,051
I read a bad pole on that one.

978
00:41:55,052 --> 00:41:57,988
I have a friend that's never
voted for president ever.

979
00:41:57,989 --> 00:41:59,909
Which if you're gonna do,
you need a good reason.

980
00:41:59,933 --> 00:42:01,758
He's a moron so.
That's what he says.

981
00:42:01,759 --> 00:42:04,839
I don't vote for president 'cause it's
just rich people running for president.

982
00:42:04,863 --> 00:42:06,760
And then it's rich people
running the country.

983
00:42:06,761 --> 00:42:10,197
I was like,
"Yep well, I'm pretty sure"

984
00:42:10,198 --> 00:42:12,733
that's who should be
running the country.

985
00:42:12,734 --> 00:42:14,067
I don't wanna elect a president

986
00:42:14,068 --> 00:42:15,602
that just got
their power shut off.

987
00:42:15,603 --> 00:42:17,070
You know, I feel like

988
00:42:17,071 --> 00:42:19,239
I want 'em better with money
than me, let's say.

989
00:42:19,240 --> 00:42:21,800
Yeah, I just saw the Commander in
Chief at a check cashing store.

990
00:42:21,824 --> 00:42:22,974
That was pretty cool.

991
00:42:22,975 --> 00:42:24,842
He was getting a payday advance
for an Xbox

992
00:42:24,843 --> 00:42:28,078
signed a coinstar receipt
for me.

993
00:42:28,079 --> 00:42:30,080
My friend's
a conspiracy theorist.

994
00:42:30,081 --> 00:42:31,749
He was like, "I'll tell you what else.
All the presidents",

995
00:42:31,750 --> 00:42:34,051
all of 'em, they all went
to Harvard or Yale."

996
00:42:34,052 --> 00:42:36,954
I was like, "Yep, that's, uh,
that's also good right there."

997
00:42:36,955 --> 00:42:38,455
I know how that works.

998
00:42:38,456 --> 00:42:40,336
Nobody wants to see
a diploma in the Oval Office

999
00:42:40,337 --> 00:42:42,705
from the University of Phoenix,
you know, it's not gonna...

1000
00:42:42,706 --> 00:42:44,759
instill a lot of confidence
in the country.

1001
00:42:44,760 --> 00:42:46,627
Yeah, I got all these degrees
in my underwear.

1002
00:42:46,628 --> 00:42:48,863
No pants for those degrees
right there.

1003
00:42:48,864 --> 00:42:50,932
I typed up one of my finals
papers with my dick.

1004
00:42:50,933 --> 00:42:52,833
So that was pretty cool.

1005
00:42:52,834 --> 00:42:55,237
Try that, you Ivy League snobs.

1006
00:42:56,902 --> 00:42:58,503
Good imagery right there.

1007
00:42:58,504 --> 00:43:01,339
There's at least four guys
in here that are gonna try

1008
00:43:01,340 --> 00:43:03,174
to type with their dicks later
so that's...

1009
00:43:03,175 --> 00:43:06,611
You're gonna need the standard
keyboard, no touch screens,

1010
00:43:06,612 --> 00:43:08,580
some fishing weights,
three pulleys.

1011
00:43:08,581 --> 00:43:10,883
All right, stop making...

1012
00:43:12,951 --> 00:43:14,950
So anyways, it's gonna be okay.

1013
00:43:14,951 --> 00:43:18,153
I'm gonna start doing steroids.

1014
00:43:18,154 --> 00:43:20,055
They don't test for that
in comedy.

1015
00:43:20,056 --> 00:43:24,926
So, uh, I'm gonna break
all the records.

1016
00:43:24,927 --> 00:43:29,164
Yeah, I don't know. I don't know why
people care that athletes do steroids.

1017
00:43:29,165 --> 00:43:32,064
Who gives a shit, right?
It's entertainment.

1018
00:43:32,065 --> 00:43:35,167
All of our entertainers
should be on drugs.

1019
00:43:35,168 --> 00:43:37,302
You know, you wouldn't
listen to music

1020
00:43:37,303 --> 00:43:38,937
made by people
that weren't on drugs.

1021
00:43:38,938 --> 00:43:42,841
Why would you watch sports?

1022
00:43:42,842 --> 00:43:45,010
Right, I want 'em to be
as big and strong as possible.

1023
00:43:45,011 --> 00:43:47,343
You know, I don't wanna go back
and watch football

1024
00:43:47,344 --> 00:43:49,744
when they had leather helmets on
everyone weighed 150 pounds,

1025
00:43:49,768 --> 00:43:52,049
and they gently shoved each
other out of bounds, you know.

1026
00:43:52,073 --> 00:43:54,550
I wanna see some roided up
linebacker hit a guy so hard

1027
00:43:54,551 --> 00:43:58,087
his spleen shoots out of his ass, you
know, just flies into some kids lap,

1028
00:43:58,088 --> 00:44:00,055
I hope he signs this.
He's a pro.

1029
00:44:00,056 --> 00:44:03,255
I'm gonna sell that
on eBay later.

1030
00:44:03,256 --> 00:44:05,524
Yeah, if you're against
steroids, you're a hypocrite.

1031
00:44:05,525 --> 00:44:09,161
'Cause everybody in here does something
to enhance their lives or something.

1032
00:44:09,162 --> 00:44:11,631
Coffee, caffeine,
you guys drink that?

1033
00:44:11,632 --> 00:44:14,567
Yeah, cheaters.
You're all cheaters.

1034
00:44:14,568 --> 00:44:17,069
Viagra, you know who you are.

1035
00:44:17,070 --> 00:44:18,804
Pacemakers, right?

1036
00:44:18,805 --> 00:44:21,285
But we're not gonna put an asterisk
on grandpas tombstone like,

1037
00:44:21,309 --> 00:44:24,841
"You know, the last nine years,
kinda bullshit, if you ask me."

1038
00:44:24,842 --> 00:44:27,010
I feel like he was cheating,
right, we all agreeing.

1039
00:44:27,011 --> 00:44:28,878
"We're gonna cross that off
put 75 on there."

1040
00:44:28,879 --> 00:44:32,249
He's not going in the Hall
of Fame, not for grampys.

1041
00:44:36,717 --> 00:44:39,386
I'm getting older, though,
that's the thing.

1042
00:44:39,387 --> 00:44:42,923
Maybe it'll help out
a little bit, a little HGH.

1043
00:44:45,393 --> 00:44:47,753
You know I've noticed getting
older, though, the older I get

1044
00:44:47,777 --> 00:44:51,031
like the less that I care
if people see my dick.

1045
00:44:51,032 --> 00:44:53,032
I don't know
if that's a normal progression.

1046
00:44:53,033 --> 00:44:54,798
Not gonna take it out.
Don't worry.

1047
00:44:54,799 --> 00:44:57,334
But if it fell out by accident,
I'd tuck it back in,

1048
00:44:57,335 --> 00:45:02,406
apologize to the front row,
bad zipper, all right, it's...

1049
00:45:02,407 --> 00:45:05,876
It's true. I went to high
school here in Miami,

1050
00:45:05,877 --> 00:45:08,158
and I would sweat in gym class
and I'd never take a shower

1051
00:45:08,182 --> 00:45:09,977
'cause I didn't want to take
my shorts off

1052
00:45:09,978 --> 00:45:12,680
'cause I didn't want anyone
to see, you know?

1053
00:45:12,681 --> 00:45:14,715
And that's when people
shoulda seen my dick

1054
00:45:14,716 --> 00:45:17,017
'cause that's when it was at its
top fighting weight.

1055
00:45:17,018 --> 00:45:19,586
You know, it was like
aligned correctly,

1056
00:45:19,587 --> 00:45:20,888
it was all the same color,

1057
00:45:20,889 --> 00:45:22,956
and now it's splotchy
for some reason.

1058
00:45:22,957 --> 00:45:24,625
I don't know why that happens.

1059
00:45:24,626 --> 00:45:25,959
I've never taken it out
to suntan,

1060
00:45:25,960 --> 00:45:27,425
but it needs to see
a dermatologist

1061
00:45:27,426 --> 00:45:28,859
for something like that.

1062
00:45:28,860 --> 00:45:30,361
Hair is not growing back
in properly.

1063
00:45:30,362 --> 00:45:32,322
I don't know if they make
Rogaine for your crotch,

1064
00:45:32,346 --> 00:45:33,864
but I need that product stat.

1065
00:45:33,865 --> 00:45:35,499
There's something there, right?

1066
00:45:35,500 --> 00:45:37,802
There's something with like
body image and wisdom,

1067
00:45:37,803 --> 00:45:39,603
there's some correlation there.

1068
00:45:39,604 --> 00:45:40,938
That's why when you go
to the gym

1069
00:45:40,939 --> 00:45:42,440
it's just the oldest guy
who's naked

1070
00:45:42,441 --> 00:45:44,361
flaunting around like,
"Hey everybody, I'm dying.

1071
00:45:44,385 --> 00:45:46,140
There's my dick. Check it out."

1072
00:45:46,141 --> 00:45:49,278
"What is that? A leaf on there."

1073
00:45:53,682 --> 00:45:56,050
I used to be
an environmental biologist.

1074
00:45:56,051 --> 00:46:00,352
And, uh, okay, thanks.
That's, uh, yeah.

1075
00:46:00,353 --> 00:46:02,120
I used to be
an environmental biologist.

1076
00:46:02,121 --> 00:46:05,090
Um, got out of that because
we're all doomed.

1077
00:46:05,091 --> 00:46:09,094
So, um, can recycle if you want.
It doesn't matter.

1078
00:46:09,095 --> 00:46:11,696
I was on the inside.
It doesn't matter.

1079
00:46:11,697 --> 00:46:13,937
'Cause apparently, where we've
been destroying the planet

1080
00:46:13,961 --> 00:46:16,400
is the towel section of hotels.

1081
00:46:16,401 --> 00:46:18,066
Have you been in there recently?

1082
00:46:18,067 --> 00:46:20,027
Next to the towels
there's always a little placard

1083
00:46:20,028 --> 00:46:22,348
with a picture of a Lemur on it,
"Help us save the planet."

1084
00:46:22,372 --> 00:46:25,807
Hang up your towels, reduce
water usage and detergent,

1085
00:46:25,808 --> 00:46:28,143
"and we'll save
the earth together."

1086
00:46:28,144 --> 00:46:31,346
I don't feel the animals
are seeing that towel money.

1087
00:46:31,347 --> 00:46:34,046
You know, there's no way
there's a gorilla somewhere

1088
00:46:34,047 --> 00:46:36,048
holding a picture of me
holding up a towel

1089
00:46:36,049 --> 00:46:38,817
that I've used for the second
straight day to, you know,

1090
00:46:38,818 --> 00:46:40,519
wipe off my girlfriends
stomach with.

1091
00:46:40,520 --> 00:46:41,854
I feel like they don't know...

1092
00:46:41,855 --> 00:46:44,890
- Sacrifices.

1093
00:46:44,891 --> 00:46:46,959
Everybody should be
laughing at that joke.

1094
00:46:46,960 --> 00:46:49,294
All right, right side
of the room don't act like

1095
00:46:49,295 --> 00:46:51,160
you just dry your hair
with those things.

1096
00:46:51,161 --> 00:46:52,561
Be honest.

1097
00:46:52,562 --> 00:46:55,431
When you get into a hotel
you're a disgusting animal.

1098
00:46:55,432 --> 00:46:56,932
That's why you pay
the extra money.

1099
00:46:56,933 --> 00:46:58,634
You stay in a hotel,
you shave your pubes,

1100
00:46:58,635 --> 00:47:00,315
you let somebody else
vacuum 'em up, right?

1101
00:47:00,339 --> 00:47:02,271
That's gonna clog up your Dyson
right there.

1102
00:47:02,272 --> 00:47:07,040
That's $500.
Wind, tunnel, technology.

1103
00:47:08,876 --> 00:47:11,544
Towels. That's why the
whole planet's crumbling.

1104
00:47:11,545 --> 00:47:13,479
Towels.
What about the beds in hotels?

1105
00:47:13,480 --> 00:47:15,815
There's a lot of drunk and
vacation sex that happens there.

1106
00:47:15,816 --> 00:47:17,496
Extra kids are born
we didn't mean to have.

1107
00:47:17,520 --> 00:47:19,619
There's already seven billion
people on the planet.

1108
00:47:19,620 --> 00:47:21,454
If they really cared about
the environment

1109
00:47:21,455 --> 00:47:23,987
they'd have complementary
contraceptives on the nightstand.

1110
00:47:23,988 --> 00:47:27,023
You know, like condoms or a
chimpanzee shaped dispenser

1111
00:47:27,024 --> 00:47:28,758
that shoots out
morning after pills.

1112
00:47:28,759 --> 00:47:31,161
You know, something that says,

1113
00:47:31,162 --> 00:47:37,066
"We care about the rainforest
here at the Red Roof Inn."

1114
00:47:37,067 --> 00:47:38,969
All right.

1115
00:47:41,669 --> 00:47:43,937
So I was at a restaurant
the other day

1116
00:47:43,938 --> 00:47:48,041
and I saw a baby crying
maybe like two years old.

1117
00:47:48,042 --> 00:47:50,777
Ah, not a baby just...

1118
00:47:50,778 --> 00:47:54,014
It was just staring at me, Rah!

1119
00:47:54,015 --> 00:47:58,849
I was like, "Yeah,
that's the shit right there."

1120
00:47:58,850 --> 00:48:02,019
I'd love to be able
to just cry, right?

1121
00:48:02,020 --> 00:48:04,755
That's how I feel
all the time just, fah!

1122
00:48:04,756 --> 00:48:10,661
Someone get me an iPad
and a sippy cup right now.

1123
00:48:10,662 --> 00:48:12,329
'Cause you can do it
when you're a kid,

1124
00:48:12,330 --> 00:48:14,370
but when you're an adult,
it's just not a good look.

1125
00:48:14,394 --> 00:48:16,630
You know, especially as a guy,
right?

1126
00:48:16,631 --> 00:48:18,866
Guy's aren't allowed to cry.

1127
00:48:18,867 --> 00:48:20,935
Bunch of dudes here
in the front row.

1128
00:48:20,936 --> 00:48:23,704
You guys,
you ever cry in public?

1129
00:48:23,705 --> 00:48:26,307
No. You're not allowed to,
right?

1130
00:48:26,308 --> 00:48:29,776
Women, yeah, have at it.

1131
00:48:29,777 --> 00:48:32,109
You can cry right now.
People will help you out.

1132
00:48:32,110 --> 00:48:34,111
They'll bring you a bottle
of water, a tissue,

1133
00:48:34,112 --> 00:48:38,149
make a phone call for you,
you know, it's.

1134
00:48:38,150 --> 00:48:42,053
Guy wonders into a food court
just starts bawling.

1135
00:48:42,054 --> 00:48:45,156
Guess what?
Now you're a viral video, right?

1136
00:48:45,157 --> 00:48:49,757
The sad guy weeps at Cinnabon.
Two million hits on that one.

1137
00:48:49,758 --> 00:48:51,693
Gotta store it up his anger,
right,

1138
00:48:51,694 --> 00:48:53,134
so he just punched some guy
in a bar,

1139
00:48:53,158 --> 00:48:54,896
I'm sorry.
It's my wife, it's not you.

1140
00:48:54,897 --> 00:48:57,866
I feel like that's how I cry
with my fist right there.

1141
00:48:57,867 --> 00:49:00,667
It's healthy though. This is why women
on average live longer than men.

1142
00:49:00,691 --> 00:49:06,004
'Cause it's healthy to cry and lets
out endorphins, stress, you know?

1143
00:49:06,005 --> 00:49:08,273
And some women'll say,
"Ah, it's okay.

1144
00:49:08,274 --> 00:49:10,475
I want my guy to be sensitive
and he can cry."

1145
00:49:10,476 --> 00:49:11,810
That's such bullshit.

1146
00:49:11,811 --> 00:49:13,378
Yeah, next time...
Try this guys...

1147
00:49:13,379 --> 00:49:15,259
Next time your wife or your
girlfriend's crying,

1148
00:49:15,283 --> 00:49:19,384
just sit down next to her
and start crying with her.

1149
00:49:19,385 --> 00:49:20,616
She'll stop crying.

1150
00:49:20,617 --> 00:49:21,950
That's how jarring
that is to her.

1151
00:49:21,951 --> 00:49:23,585
She'll just
emotionally reboot, like,

1152
00:49:23,586 --> 00:49:26,588
"What the fuck are you doing?
I cry you yell.

1153
00:49:26,589 --> 00:49:28,090
That's the deal
we have worked out."

1154
00:49:28,091 --> 00:49:30,425
So you could go break something
in the living room.

1155
00:49:30,426 --> 00:49:32,594
"I'd feel a lot better
about this."

1156
00:49:32,595 --> 00:49:33,996
Yeah, we need an excuse.

1157
00:49:33,997 --> 00:49:35,717
Women can always say,
"I'm sorry I'm crying.

1158
00:49:35,741 --> 00:49:37,529
I'm very hormonal.
I'm on my period."

1159
00:49:37,530 --> 00:49:39,298
Look, I don't know
what a period's like.

1160
00:49:39,299 --> 00:49:41,300
It seems crazy
from the outside looking in,

1161
00:49:41,301 --> 00:49:42,768
but you have at it.

1162
00:49:42,769 --> 00:49:44,470
"Do whatever you gotta do
for that."

1163
00:49:44,471 --> 00:49:46,305
But to be fair,
we have hormones, too.

1164
00:49:46,306 --> 00:49:48,307
Testosterone. Ten times the
amount that women have.

1165
00:49:48,308 --> 00:49:50,576
We have that every single day.
Not five or seven days.

1166
00:49:50,577 --> 00:49:52,678
Whatever your cycle is,
every single day.

1167
00:49:52,679 --> 00:49:54,599
It's okay if you wanna yell
at me on your period,

1168
00:49:54,623 --> 00:49:57,079
just don't get mad when I,
you know, fuck the neighbor.

1169
00:49:57,080 --> 00:49:58,147
That's all I'm saying.

1170
00:49:58,148 --> 00:50:00,082
It's that time
of the month again.

1171
00:50:00,083 --> 00:50:01,751
I know.
It seemed like yesterday.

1172
00:50:01,752 --> 00:50:03,152
But she had glitter
on her boobs.

1173
00:50:03,153 --> 00:50:05,688
That's my trigger right there,
so that's...

1174
00:50:05,689 --> 00:50:08,357
Walk a mile in our penis.

1175
00:50:08,358 --> 00:50:10,056
These are facts.

1176
00:50:10,057 --> 00:50:11,817
Remember I told you
I used to be a scientist?

1177
00:50:11,841 --> 00:50:14,394
Trust me.
I looked it up on Wikipedia.

1178
00:50:14,395 --> 00:50:16,162
These are all fact checked.

1179
00:50:16,163 --> 00:50:18,298
Ten times the amount
that women have.

1180
00:50:18,299 --> 00:50:20,659
The only time that's not true
is when a couple falls in love

1181
00:50:20,683 --> 00:50:22,368
a guys goes down,
a woman's goes up.

1182
00:50:22,369 --> 00:50:23,803
And then when you have kids,

1183
00:50:23,804 --> 00:50:26,139
a guys testosterone
goes down again.

1184
00:50:26,140 --> 00:50:28,540
So by the time you're married
and 40 and you have three kids,

1185
00:50:28,564 --> 00:50:30,607
basically, you're just
like a, you know,

1186
00:50:30,608 --> 00:50:31,875
a woman wearing Dockers.

1187
00:50:31,876 --> 00:50:33,610
That's what you've become.

1188
00:50:33,611 --> 00:50:35,378
All right.

1189
00:50:35,379 --> 00:50:37,314
All right.

1190
00:50:37,315 --> 00:50:41,251
So we start with cats,
we end with cats.

1191
00:50:41,252 --> 00:50:44,251
It's a cat sandwich.
It's what we do here.

1192
00:50:44,252 --> 00:50:45,752
It's like an Oreo cookie.

1193
00:50:45,753 --> 00:50:47,354
Two cats on each end

1194
00:50:47,355 --> 00:50:53,827
with a lot of dick
and drug jokes in the middle.

1195
00:50:53,828 --> 00:50:56,663
So I used to have four cats.
Pretty cool, I know.

1196
00:50:56,664 --> 00:51:00,264
And I found 'em all so they had some
sort of defect associated with them.

1197
00:51:00,265 --> 00:51:01,985
Ah, yeah, like one of 'em
used to be abused,

1198
00:51:02,009 --> 00:51:03,467
so it was neurotic.

1199
00:51:03,468 --> 00:51:05,669
It would overgroom itself,
so half its fur was missing.

1200
00:51:05,670 --> 00:51:08,739
It looked like a Tim Burton
character or something.

1201
00:51:08,740 --> 00:51:10,441
Whenever it had
a urinary tract infection,

1202
00:51:10,442 --> 00:51:11,842
I'd give it special pills
and food.

1203
00:51:11,843 --> 00:51:13,377
Another one was molested
by its uncle.

1204
00:51:13,378 --> 00:51:14,845
I don't like to talk about that.

1205
00:51:14,846 --> 00:51:17,712
From the streets. Street cats.

1206
00:51:17,713 --> 00:51:20,715
Yeah, so I used to find homes
for cats,

1207
00:51:20,716 --> 00:51:22,516
but I don't do that anymore.

1208
00:51:22,517 --> 00:51:23,884
I'm on the road
so one of the last ones I found

1209
00:51:23,885 --> 00:51:25,586
was a mother cat,
five newborn kittens.

1210
00:51:25,587 --> 00:51:27,254
You ever seen kittens
when they're first born?

1211
00:51:27,255 --> 00:51:29,156
Look like little rats,
eyes are still closed?

1212
00:51:29,157 --> 00:51:31,192
And kittens, I don't know
if you know this or not,

1213
00:51:31,193 --> 00:51:33,691
the mother has to like
lick their genital area

1214
00:51:33,692 --> 00:51:35,860
to make them pee and poop.

1215
00:51:35,861 --> 00:51:37,628
Which if we had to do that,

1216
00:51:37,629 --> 00:51:41,566
there'd be a lot less people
here tonight.

1217
00:51:41,567 --> 00:51:43,368
In general,
that's how we operate, right?

1218
00:51:43,369 --> 00:51:45,903
"It's your turn to lick the baby's ass.
Get in there."

1219
00:51:45,904 --> 00:51:47,505
I licked it all week.
It peed in my beer.

1220
00:51:47,506 --> 00:51:49,107
I'm done with that activity.

1221
00:51:49,108 --> 00:51:51,673
You tap out after one kid.
I can't taste anymore.

1222
00:51:51,674 --> 00:51:53,608
It's like batteries
on my tongue.

1223
00:51:53,609 --> 00:51:57,946
I'd like to enjoy foo
d at some point so.

1224
00:51:57,947 --> 00:51:59,447
Yeah, so they were tiny things

1225
00:51:59,448 --> 00:52:01,116
and one was really sick,
lethargic,

1226
00:52:01,117 --> 00:52:03,517
was like the runt of the litter,
something was wrong with it.

1227
00:52:03,541 --> 00:52:06,121
And then the next day
the mother like ate, yeah,

1228
00:52:06,122 --> 00:52:07,686
ate the sick kitten.

1229
00:52:07,687 --> 00:52:09,121
That's what they do.

1230
00:52:09,122 --> 00:52:10,882
Animals, they sense something
is wrong or off

1231
00:52:10,906 --> 00:52:13,191
and then they just, you know,
they just snuff 'em out.

1232
00:52:13,192 --> 00:52:18,363
Which, again, we don't do,
but if you think about it...

1233
00:52:18,364 --> 00:52:19,731
Right?

1234
00:52:19,732 --> 00:52:21,900
Have you ever been to Walmart
Sunday mornings?

1235
00:52:21,901 --> 00:52:27,703
None of those people should've been
baby snacks when all that DNA passed.

1236
00:52:27,704 --> 00:52:31,173
Yeah, I'm just saying. Let's say
from now on you had to have the kids

1237
00:52:31,174 --> 00:52:32,574
and once they were born,

1238
00:52:32,575 --> 00:52:34,643
if you sense they were gonna
be a douchebag,

1239
00:52:34,644 --> 00:52:37,179
you just make a sandwich.

1240
00:52:37,180 --> 00:52:39,048
A wrap if you're on a diet.

1241
00:52:39,049 --> 00:52:42,348
Hold the mayo.

1242
00:52:42,349 --> 00:52:47,053
Don't think about your own kids
in this joke, all right?

1243
00:52:47,054 --> 00:52:49,388
If you're here tonight
you're telling me...

1244
00:52:49,389 --> 00:52:51,724
If you have multiple kids
and you're here tonight,

1245
00:52:51,725 --> 00:52:53,259
you're telling me
if you could've

1246
00:52:53,260 --> 00:52:55,828
there's not one you wouldn't
have eaten, seriously?

1247
00:52:55,829 --> 00:52:57,460
You know who it is.

1248
00:52:57,461 --> 00:52:59,562
Burned down the shed and...

1249
00:52:59,563 --> 00:53:03,266
I'm not saying
you have to eat your kids.

1250
00:53:03,267 --> 00:53:05,635
But let's just say
it was legal to eat your kids

1251
00:53:05,636 --> 00:53:07,470
till they were eight years old,

1252
00:53:07,471 --> 00:53:09,005
you didn't have to do it,

1253
00:53:09,006 --> 00:53:11,174
but your kids knew that you
could do it, right,

1254
00:53:11,175 --> 00:53:13,506
just the threat was there
like, you know,

1255
00:53:13,507 --> 00:53:15,667
they would just be mowing
the lawn, clean up the house.

1256
00:53:15,691 --> 00:53:18,778
They wouldn't sass you in public anymore.
"I want this cereal."

1257
00:53:18,779 --> 00:53:21,347
"You better shut up or I'm
firing up the grill right now.

1258
00:53:21,348 --> 00:53:24,784
Get in the car."

1259
00:53:24,785 --> 00:53:26,286
All right, I'm done.
Thank you, guys.

1260
00:53:26,287 --> 00:53:28,656
- All right, that's...

1261
00:53:31,289 --> 00:53:34,792
♪♪

1262
00:53:49,738 --> 00:53:51,705
They'd be mowing the lawn,
cleaning up the house.

1263
00:53:51,706 --> 00:53:54,186
They wouldn't sass you in public anymore.
"I want this cereal."

1264
00:53:54,210 --> 00:53:57,644
"You better shut up or I'm
firing up the grill right now.

1265
00:53:57,645 --> 00:53:59,514
Get in the car."

1266
00:54:03,150 --> 00:54:06,851
That was literally
the last joke right there.

1267
00:54:06,852 --> 00:54:09,153
That was the last word
I had to say

1268
00:54:09,154 --> 00:54:10,654
on the whole fucking thing

1269
00:54:10,655 --> 00:54:13,891
and you dropped a bottle
on the last fucking word.

1270
00:54:13,892 --> 00:54:17,094
How're we supposed to end
that now?

1271
00:54:17,095 --> 00:54:20,062
This... I was gonna... hah.

1272
00:54:20,063 --> 00:54:22,597
This is how it was gonna go.
This is how it was gonna go.

1273
00:54:22,598 --> 00:54:23,998
"Get in the car."

1274
00:54:23,999 --> 00:54:25,799
And then I was gonna be like,
Thank you, guys.

1275
00:54:25,823 --> 00:54:28,136
And you,
very fucking, goddamn...

1276
00:54:28,137 --> 00:54:30,104
Gotta shoot
the whole thing again.

1277
00:54:30,105 --> 00:54:32,474
The whole thing we have to do.
We can't just pick up that...

1278
00:54:35,944 --> 00:54:39,577
Fucking weak bladdered
motherfuckers...

1279
00:54:39,578 --> 00:54:41,713
Lisa made an announcement
at the beginning.

1280
00:54:41,714 --> 00:54:43,047
"Hey, go to the bathroom now."

1281
00:54:43,048 --> 00:54:46,684
Not one person got up
when you could've.

1282
00:54:46,685 --> 00:54:49,688
Ah, I'll get through it
'cause I...

1283
00:54:50,856 --> 00:54:52,690
I hope all of you die
in a hurricane.

1284
00:54:52,691 --> 00:54:54,022
That guy how he goes,

1285
00:54:54,023 --> 00:54:56,926
"Hurricane Matthew
sweeps you away."

1286
00:54:59,729 --> 00:55:01,530
Ah, that was tragic.

1287
00:55:01,531 --> 00:55:05,434
No, that guy got up to piss
ten minutes into the special.

1288
00:55:06,736 --> 00:55:09,671
I've known him
my whole goddamn life.

1289
00:55:09,672 --> 00:55:11,370
Okay, here's what
we're gonna do.

1290
00:55:11,371 --> 00:55:12,704
I'm gonna do the last line

1291
00:55:12,705 --> 00:55:14,139
because it's the last
fucking line,

1292
00:55:14,140 --> 00:55:16,909
and then I need to say,
and then I need to say,

1293
00:55:16,910 --> 00:55:19,811
Hey guys, thank you.
Then you go, blah.

1294
00:55:19,812 --> 00:55:21,313
And then I'm gonna walk off,

1295
00:55:21,314 --> 00:55:24,551
and then we're gonna do some
other things real quick.

1296
00:55:27,484 --> 00:55:29,685
Son of a bitch.

1297
00:55:29,686 --> 00:55:33,422
How does the last line even go?
Okay, okay, here we go.

1298
00:55:33,423 --> 00:55:35,158
You ready?

1299
00:55:35,825 --> 00:55:38,227
Shit.

1300
00:55:38,228 --> 00:55:41,997
- All right.

1301
00:55:41,998 --> 00:55:45,131
Shut up.

1302
00:55:45,132 --> 00:55:46,966
All right.

1303
00:55:46,967 --> 00:55:49,735
Okay, here we go.

1304
00:55:49,736 --> 00:55:52,972
All right, I'm not saying
you have to eat your kids,

1305
00:55:52,973 --> 00:55:55,107
but let's just say it was legal
to eat your kids

1306
00:55:55,108 --> 00:55:57,310
till they're eight years old,
all right,

1307
00:55:57,311 --> 00:55:58,544
you don't have to do it,

1308
00:55:58,545 --> 00:56:00,044
but your kids know that
you can do it.

1309
00:56:00,045 --> 00:56:01,678
Just the threat is there, right?

1310
00:56:01,679 --> 00:56:03,546
They'd be mowing the lawn,
clean up the house.

1311
00:56:03,547 --> 00:56:06,227
They wouldn't sass you in public
anymore like, "I want this cereal."

1312
00:56:06,251 --> 00:56:08,723
"You better shut up or I'm
firing up the grill right now."

1313
00:56:08,724 --> 00:56:10,720
All right,
let's hold on a second.

1314
00:56:10,721 --> 00:56:12,921
Now that sucks 'cause you guys
didn't even fucking laugh

1315
00:56:12,945 --> 00:56:14,424
'cause you just heard the joke.

1316
00:56:14,425 --> 00:56:17,424
Of course you just heard
the fucking joke.

1317
00:56:17,425 --> 00:56:21,561
Don't sit there and be like,
"We heard this one already."

1318
00:56:21,562 --> 00:56:23,063
You guys suck.

1319
00:56:23,064 --> 00:56:25,966
We're gonna have to edit
all this fucking laughter

1320
00:56:25,967 --> 00:56:28,935
from behind my head so you can't
see my fucking mouth moving.

1321
00:56:28,936 --> 00:56:31,171
What are they laughing at?
Oh, yeah.

1322
00:56:31,172 --> 00:56:33,937
We're gonna do it one more time.

1323
00:56:33,938 --> 00:56:37,274
All right, I need you
to laugh appropriately.

1324
00:56:37,275 --> 00:56:39,675
That's the last fucking joke.
You did it good the first time.

1325
00:56:39,699 --> 00:56:41,245
And then this guy fucking

1326
00:56:41,246 --> 00:56:45,682
panicked over here and knocked his
beer... aha... anymore, all right.

1327
00:56:45,683 --> 00:56:47,619
You guys ready? One more time?

1328
00:56:49,320 --> 00:56:51,051
And then I'm gonna say goodbye

1329
00:56:51,052 --> 00:56:52,572
and then you're
supposed to clap a lot.

1330
00:56:52,596 --> 00:56:53,964
I have to fucking
coach you guys.

1331
00:56:55,190 --> 00:56:57,057
Where the fucking
punchline is, Charlie.

1332
00:56:57,058 --> 00:56:58,859
- Man ♪2. Fire up the grill.

1333
00:56:58,860 --> 00:57:01,629
Wow. This is gonna be good
'cause I doubt

1334
00:57:01,630 --> 00:57:04,164
we're gonna get this
on the first take.

1335
00:57:04,165 --> 00:57:06,765
'Cause I feel like you guys are
gonna laugh at the wrong parts now

1336
00:57:06,789 --> 00:57:08,532
and it's just gonna,
it's gonna look stupid.

1337
00:57:08,533 --> 00:57:10,234
Man: He has to gonna
wash his hands again.

1338
00:57:10,235 --> 00:57:12,036
Forrest:
Yeah, we're almost done.

1339
00:57:12,037 --> 00:57:13,904
- Man: I gotta pee again.

1340
00:57:13,905 --> 00:57:16,240
- Man: Yeah, really.
- Forrest: Holy shit, Charlie.

1341
00:57:16,241 --> 00:57:18,121
All right. No, no, no, no, okay.
You guys ready?

1342
00:57:18,145 --> 00:57:19,443
- All: Yeah.

1343
00:57:19,444 --> 00:57:21,113
All right.

1344
00:57:24,113 --> 00:57:27,115
Okay.

1345
00:57:27,116 --> 00:57:30,985
I'm not saying
you have to eat your kids.

1346
00:57:30,986 --> 00:57:32,920
But let's just say
it was legal to eat your kids

1347
00:57:32,921 --> 00:57:36,424
till they were eight years old,
you didn't have to do it,

1348
00:57:36,425 --> 00:57:38,226
but your kids knew
that you could do it.

1349
00:57:38,227 --> 00:57:41,226
Right, just the threat
was there, like, you know,

1350
00:57:41,227 --> 00:57:43,728
they would just be mowing
the lawn, clean up the house.

1351
00:57:43,729 --> 00:57:46,209
They wouldn't sass you in public
anymore, "I want this cereal."

1352
00:57:46,233 --> 00:57:48,506
"You better shut up or I'm
firing up the grill right now.

1353
00:57:48,507 --> 00:57:52,470
- Get in the car."

1354
00:57:52,471 --> 00:57:53,972
All right, I'm done.
Thank you, guys.

1355
00:57:53,973 --> 00:57:55,708
- All right, that's...

1356
00:57:58,374 --> 00:57:59,575
All right.