0 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:20,000 1 00:00:29,229 --> 00:00:32,131 All right. What's happened? 2 00:00:33,233 --> 00:00:34,400 Everything? 3 00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:46,839 This will only take a minute, Mr. Freeman. 4 00:01:46,841 --> 00:01:48,540 Uh, forget the mess. 5 00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:51,810 My secretary's taken the day off again. 6 00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:54,313 Some hasidic holiday or something. 7 00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:58,450 It's a rosha... krishna... Shanana... who the hell knows. 8 00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:02,287 Anyhow, as you know, your mother owed bad taxes, 9 00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:05,424 so there's really nothing to turn over 10 00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:09,628 other than one ring, emerald clad, platinum setting, 11 00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:12,197 one box, cardboard variety, 12 00:02:12,199 --> 00:02:18,770 containing her, mm... "Most prized possessions." 13 00:02:18,772 --> 00:02:18,770 And that's it. 14 00:02:18,772 --> 00:02:23,809 Otherwise. The government's got you by the flagpole, Mr. Freeman, 15 00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:26,311 and they usually win in that tug of war. 16 00:02:26,313 --> 00:02:28,614 Now, if you would press hard, 17 00:02:28,616 --> 00:02:32,818 and bend it that way, it's there, three copies, 18 00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:35,220 right there, and right here, 19 00:02:35,222 --> 00:02:37,523 and one more time. 20 00:02:38,726 --> 00:02:41,426 And that's it. Thank you, sir. 21 00:02:41,428 --> 00:02:43,495 For your time, for your business. 22 00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:45,864 And for not blubbering on the mahogany. 23 00:02:45,866 --> 00:02:48,534 Oh, whoa! Hold on a minute. 24 00:02:49,637 --> 00:02:51,503 Looks like we got a floater. 25 00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:54,573 It seems, Mr. Freeman, that there is one bill 26 00:02:54,575 --> 00:02:58,610 your dear old mama did manage to pay off. 27 00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:31,777 -hi, Rhonda. -Hi, Lenny. 28 00:03:31,779 --> 00:03:32,911 Sorry about your loss. 29 00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:32,911 Oh, well, thank you. 30 00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:37,516 Um, before I leave, I just wanted to say that it has been so nice working with you 31 00:03:37,518 --> 00:03:40,552 and I'm so sorry we never got a chance to go out on a date or anything 32 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:44,423 because you know, you always were busy with relatives in the town and stuff. 33 00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:44,423 Okay. 34 00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:48,327 And I wanna thank you for being my best work pal, Allen. 35 00:03:49,829 --> 00:03:52,297 Look for me in television. 36 00:04:56,362 --> 00:04:58,864 And now, live from las Vegas, 37 00:04:58,866 --> 00:05:00,699 it's the monte guy show. 38 00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:03,435 Tonight's guests include comedian Jimmy Shaw, 39 00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:06,672 and the winner of last year's stand-up stand-off Willy Vince. 40 00:05:06,674 --> 00:05:10,909 Now, let's say hello to monte guy. 41 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,448 -Hey, Shakespeare. -Hmm? 42 00:05:16,450 --> 00:05:18,583 You in for oxygen or just another refill? 43 00:05:18,585 --> 00:05:18,583 Oh, no, thank you. 44 00:05:18,585 --> 00:05:21,520 "No, thank you, I've just about milked the shit out of 45 00:05:21,522 --> 00:05:21,520 this bottomless cup of 60-cent coffee," 46 00:05:21,522 --> 00:05:25,424 or, "no, thank you, I'm about ready to order something 47 00:05:25,426 --> 00:05:28,593 so I don't waste any more of the lovely miss Evelyn's valuable fucking time"? 48 00:05:28,595 --> 00:05:30,529 Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, um, how are your eggs? 49 00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:32,798 Just dandy. How's your sperm? 50 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:35,000 It's a joke. What, you zombie people got no sense of humor? 51 00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:37,703 I'm sorry. I just didn't realize you were trying to be funny. 52 00:05:37,705 --> 00:05:39,504 I wasn't trying to be funny. I am funny. 53 00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:40,605 There's a difference. 54 00:05:40,607 --> 00:05:40,605 Yes, ma'am. 55 00:05:40,607 --> 00:05:43,675 Why don't you save your negative commentary for the shit on the menu? 56 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:43,675 Now, what do you want? 57 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,111 Um, I will have three eggs. 58 00:05:46,113 --> 00:05:46,111 -Scrambled? -Uh, scrambled. 59 00:05:46,113 --> 00:05:52,017 Oh, and a side of sausage, a side of bacon, and a side of biscuits and gravy, please. 60 00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:52,017 That comes with a heart attack. 61 00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:54,753 Would you like that for here or to go? 62 00:05:55,588 --> 00:05:57,055 It's a joke! 63 00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:57,055 I didn't... 64 00:05:57,057 --> 00:06:01,093 Hey, what are you getting off for my shit ain't funny? 65 00:06:01,095 --> 00:06:03,395 I'll have you know my shit is very funny. 66 00:06:03,397 --> 00:06:05,731 Hey, Richie, tell the man how funny my shit is. 67 00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:07,833 Your shit is very funny. 68 00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:11,436 What? You wanna be zombie sides? Don't have pockets or a sense of humor? 69 00:06:11,438 --> 00:06:13,739 No, actually, I am a stand-up comedian. 70 00:06:13,741 --> 00:06:15,440 I mean, I will be soon. 71 00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:21,980 That is the funniest shit i had heard in weeks. 72 00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:21,980 You ain't no motherfucking stand-up. 73 00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:26,084 No, no, not yet, but I'm on my way to las Vegas for the monte guy audition. 74 00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:27,819 -The what? -The stand-up stand-off. 75 00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:30,722 You know, monte guy. - Huh. 76 00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:33,125 Well, I'm sure he'll just snap your writer's ass right up, 77 00:06:33,127 --> 00:06:36,395 you being on the cutting cost with contemporary comedy and all. 78 00:06:36,397 --> 00:06:37,863 That wasn't very nice. 79 00:06:37,865 --> 00:06:39,564 Hey, you started it, pillsbury. 80 00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:41,133 You sit there, all rude and shit, 81 00:06:41,135 --> 00:06:42,868 start pulling an easter island on me. 82 00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:42,868 Well, I'm sorry. 83 00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:42,868 Maybe I'll just take my waitress skills closer to Vegas, 84 00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:48,707 where they'll be more fully appreciated. You hear that Richie? 85 00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:50,609 -Okay, I said I was sorry. -Too late. 86 00:06:50,611 --> 00:06:50,609 You've offended me beyond repair. 87 00:06:50,611 --> 00:06:55,547 Hey, Louis, three eggs, and fuck 'em up. And heavy on the cholesterol. 88 00:06:55,549 --> 00:06:58,417 I got Bob hope out here on the road to a coronary. 89 00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:12,431 - George? - Yes? 90 00:07:12,433 --> 00:07:14,466 You're awfully funny on the radio. 91 00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:14,466 Everybody says so. 92 00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:19,871 You're the funniest comedian in the world, George. May I have your autograph? 93 00:07:19,873 --> 00:07:22,140 - You wanted my autograph? - - Yes. 94 00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:24,609 Right here on this dotted line. 95 00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:26,878 Oh, so that's what you're up to, 96 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:29,614 trying to get my signature on that silly contract. 97 00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,516 Well, it didn't work. Now get out of here. 98 00:07:31,518 --> 00:07:32,884 Yes, dear. 99 00:07:58,711 --> 00:08:01,146 -Costume party? -Oh, no, thank you. 100 00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:02,681 I'm on my way to las Vegas. 101 00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:02,681 -Is it much further? -About 200 miles. 102 00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:09,254 Either way, once you hit lamb bone, just keep an eye out for that heavenly glow. 103 00:08:09,256 --> 00:08:11,890 -Can't miss it. -Uh, thank you. 104 00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:13,658 Is the bathroom clean? 105 00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:15,627 Just ate dinner off the floor. 106 00:09:09,682 --> 00:09:10,916 Hello? 107 00:09:11,884 --> 00:09:13,552 Dirty guy? 108 00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:32,771 Sorry, chief, didn't mean to startle you. 109 00:09:32,773 --> 00:09:35,273 Was wondering if you could spare me a lift. 110 00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,876 I'm sorry. I'm not going that way. 111 00:09:39,845 --> 00:09:41,580 How do you know? 112 00:09:41,582 --> 00:09:44,082 -Know what? -Where I'm going. 113 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:44,082 Well... 114 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:49,287 I just... I don't pick up hitchhikers. It's just something my mom used to say. 115 00:09:49,289 --> 00:09:49,287 You understand. 116 00:09:49,289 --> 00:09:53,191 Sure, can't be too careful these days, right? 117 00:09:53,193 --> 00:09:55,860 Yeah. Well, sorry I couldn't help. 118 00:09:57,797 --> 00:10:01,066 Actually, you could help. You just chose not to. 119 00:10:01,068 --> 00:10:02,734 There's a difference. 120 00:10:04,170 --> 00:10:05,937 No worries. 121 00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,872 Always another way. 122 00:10:07,874 --> 00:10:10,875 Well, okay, uh, you should look me up, 123 00:10:10,877 --> 00:10:13,078 if you're ever in las Vegas. 124 00:10:15,982 --> 00:10:17,115 You famous? 125 00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,951 Not yet, but I'm going to be. 126 00:10:22,822 --> 00:10:24,756 Hey, you want a ride? 127 00:10:49,115 --> 00:10:49,114 Gee, that's awfully nice of Ronnie, 128 00:10:49,116 --> 00:10:54,719 to let me take his Oscar home so I could show it to Rochester. 129 00:10:54,721 --> 00:10:56,955 Hmm. Sure is dark tonight. 130 00:10:56,957 --> 00:10:58,256 No moon. 131 00:10:58,258 --> 00:10:59,891 Oh, well. 132 00:11:06,132 --> 00:11:07,999 Hey, bud. Bud. 133 00:11:08,401 --> 00:11:09,834 Huh? 134 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:11,369 You got a match? 135 00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:13,104 Yes. Yes, I have one right here 136 00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:15,907 Don't make a move, this is a stick-up. 137 00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:15,907 Mister, put down that gun. 138 00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:19,778 Shut up. I said this is a stick-up. 139 00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:22,147 Now come on. Your money or your life. 140 00:11:29,756 --> 00:11:32,190 I already fixed this for you once today. 141 00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,159 I wish you'd learn to take care of your shit. 142 00:11:34,161 --> 00:11:37,028 Sorry. As Luke 12:15 says-- 143 00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:40,198 Don't get patronizing with me. I know what it says. 144 00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:56,815 Look, bud, I said your money or your life. 145 00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:58,283 I'm thinking it over. 146 00:12:51,370 --> 00:12:55,240 You're not gonna turn out to be some kind of pervert, are you? 147 00:12:55,242 --> 00:12:56,908 Oh, pervert? 148 00:12:57,476 --> 00:12:59,444 No. Definitely not a pervert. 149 00:12:59,446 --> 00:12:59,444 You sure? 150 00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:04,182 Well, I'd cross my heart but my wife took that along with the house. 151 00:13:09,121 --> 00:13:11,856 Oh! Thanks, man. 152 00:13:11,858 --> 00:13:13,792 Getting a little wet out there. 153 00:13:15,494 --> 00:13:16,928 Woo! 154 00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:21,199 This sure is one sweet bitch, ain't she? What is she, a '52? 155 00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:23,835 -A '53. -Oh, nice. 156 00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:25,870 I had this old Chevy once, 157 00:13:25,872 --> 00:13:28,273 all done up spaccano style. 158 00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:31,142 Fat tires, the works. 159 00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,878 My wife used to accuse me of loving that car more than her. 160 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:33,878 I said to her, "sweetheart, 161 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:39,083 that's impossible. I burned my dick on the tailpipe." 162 00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:42,053 I burned my dick on the tailpipe. 163 00:13:42,055 --> 00:13:44,022 -Did you have a name for it? -What, my dick? 164 00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:46,491 -No, your car. -Oh, fuck, yeah, man. 165 00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:48,459 Pinstriped right across the side. 166 00:13:48,461 --> 00:13:50,395 "Black magic." 167 00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:52,363 Just like the old Louis prima song. 168 00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:54,332 My mother loved Louis prima. 169 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:54,332 -Ain't that a fan? -Yes! 170 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:59,304 Although, prima, he liked to hunt the off-season beaver, 171 00:13:59,306 --> 00:13:59,304 if you catch my drift. 172 00:13:59,306 --> 00:14:03,208 He had a bone for his 16-year-old backup singer 173 00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:06,144 tell your mama that one. That'll blow her skirt up. 174 00:14:06,912 --> 00:14:08,446 She just passed away. 175 00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:13,451 Look at that. I've gone and offended you with my off-colored dialog. 176 00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:15,453 You know what, I don't even deserve your generosity. 177 00:14:15,455 --> 00:14:16,921 You can go ahead and pull over right here 178 00:14:16,923 --> 00:14:18,356 -there ain't no hard feelings. -No, no, no. 179 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:18,356 It's all right. Really. 180 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:22,627 I'm kind of relieved to have somebody else do all the talking actually. 181 00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:26,898 I... I've never picked up a hitchhiker before. 182 00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:28,867 You ain't never picked up a hitchhiker? 183 00:14:28,869 --> 00:14:31,169 Jesus, don't I feel like Hitler at passover. 184 00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:33,872 You are truly a selfless soul, my friend. 185 00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:37,942 You know what, I actually stopped because I was curious when I saw your sign. 186 00:14:37,944 --> 00:14:40,144 I mean, I guess I just... I... 187 00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:44,082 Name's hitch. 188 00:14:44,350 --> 00:14:44,349 Hitch? 189 00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:47,151 That's my name, that's my game. 190 00:14:47,386 --> 00:14:49,454 Uh, Lenny. 191 00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:51,556 Where are you from, "uh, Lenny"? 192 00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:53,558 Peoria, Illinois. 193 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:54,959 How about you? 194 00:14:54,961 --> 00:14:56,628 Oh, I'm from all over, I guess. 195 00:14:56,630 --> 00:14:58,963 I've never been living in one place for long. 196 00:14:58,965 --> 00:15:02,634 Only time my old man settles is when he paid off his bar tab. 197 00:15:02,636 --> 00:15:03,968 That is funny. 198 00:15:03,970 --> 00:15:05,403 Could I use that? 199 00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:07,906 Mi casa, su casa. 200 00:15:07,908 --> 00:15:09,908 That's a shame, you being solo, 201 00:15:09,910 --> 00:15:12,210 what with your dad dead and no kin. 202 00:15:13,345 --> 00:15:15,046 How did you know that? 203 00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:17,649 Well, I just kind of assumed that was the situation, 204 00:15:17,651 --> 00:15:20,018 you know, you living with your mom and all. 205 00:15:20,286 --> 00:15:20,285 Oh, right. Yeah. 206 00:15:20,287 --> 00:15:25,523 You thought I was a mind reader there for a second, didn't you? Made you nervous. 207 00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:28,026 No, man, i ain't no mind reader. 208 00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:28,593 Just a sign reader, 209 00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:34,632 and that one up ahead that you're about to blow through says, "stop." 210 00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:44,075 I'm taking near-death experience over sex any day of the week! 211 00:15:44,176 --> 00:15:45,410 Woo! 212 00:15:53,252 --> 00:15:55,286 You know what, I'd like to buy you some food. 213 00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:56,721 Would you like me to do that, Lenny? 214 00:15:56,723 --> 00:15:58,423 You don't mind if i call you that, do you? 215 00:15:58,425 --> 00:15:58,423 Huh? 216 00:15:58,425 --> 00:16:03,094 All right, you know what, I'm gonna need you to pull over right up in there. 217 00:16:03,096 --> 00:16:04,529 Gonna make a withdrawal. 218 00:16:15,174 --> 00:16:15,173 I'm gonna be just a minute, 219 00:16:15,175 --> 00:16:20,211 and I'm gonna leave my bag in here with you 'cause i trust you, Lenny. 220 00:16:20,213 --> 00:16:23,081 Now don't go peeking at my private parts. 221 00:16:56,148 --> 00:16:56,147 Evening, ma'am. 222 00:16:56,149 --> 00:17:00,385 Now you look to me like someone who appreciates a good laugh. 223 00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:03,521 Now, please, stop me if you heard this one before. 224 00:17:13,665 --> 00:17:17,168 I've noticed you've got a lot of old time comedy crap in your car. 225 00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:19,370 My mom and I used to memorize routines together. 226 00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:21,139 Mmm. Fun. 227 00:17:21,141 --> 00:17:23,408 Eh, too bad no one wants to hear that shit no more. 228 00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:25,410 I don't know. That material is classic. 229 00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:28,046 Come on, Lenny. Wake up and smell the headlines. 230 00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:28,046 You know how comedians work, 231 00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:32,316 and they're the angry pricks ranting about how fucked up everything is. 232 00:17:33,118 --> 00:17:35,520 The more filthy, the better. 233 00:17:35,522 --> 00:17:38,656 I don't know. I used to manage a couple of jokers. 234 00:17:38,658 --> 00:17:39,657 You did? 235 00:17:39,659 --> 00:17:39,657 They're a pain in the ass. 236 00:17:39,659 --> 00:17:45,463 Always bitching about how so and so ain't as funny as they are, 237 00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:50,134 so and so stole their material, so and so blew so and so's gig on monte guy. 238 00:17:50,136 --> 00:17:52,203 I mean, who needs that shit, right? 239 00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:53,404 I guess. 240 00:17:55,841 --> 00:17:57,408 Don't tell me. 241 00:17:58,277 --> 00:18:00,311 You want to be a stand-up, don't you? 242 00:18:00,313 --> 00:18:00,311 Actually, yes. 243 00:18:00,313 --> 00:18:03,848 I'm on my way to las Vegas for the monte guy auditions. 244 00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:05,149 Are you any good? 245 00:18:05,151 --> 00:18:06,784 Well, my mother thought so. 246 00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:06,784 Pardon my French, but fuck your mother. 247 00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:11,556 I'm about a real audience. You ever headline, or you strictly a middle man? 248 00:18:11,558 --> 00:18:11,556 I don't follow. 249 00:18:11,558 --> 00:18:17,562 Did you ever open for a group of respirating humans and make 'em laugh for money? 250 00:18:17,564 --> 00:18:19,163 You mean, like on a stage? 251 00:18:19,165 --> 00:18:20,731 Oh, no, no, no, nothing like that. 252 00:18:20,733 --> 00:18:23,101 Hey, how about you open for me? 253 00:18:23,103 --> 00:18:25,703 But you'll have to open real wide. 254 00:18:26,272 --> 00:18:29,173 Don't mind him. He thinks he's a comedian. 255 00:18:29,175 --> 00:18:29,173 Hey, baby, you know I'm a comedian. 256 00:18:29,175 --> 00:18:34,445 Yeah, I guess your performance has been pretty humorous lately. 257 00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:37,515 That supposed to be funny? 258 00:18:38,684 --> 00:18:40,118 Sorry. 259 00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:44,188 Hey, more coffee? 260 00:18:44,190 --> 00:18:46,224 Um, is he really a comedian? 261 00:18:46,226 --> 00:18:48,626 Yeah, t-bird headlines at the yuck stop. 262 00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:51,529 They've got an open-mic there every night, no cover. 263 00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:51,529 Half the town is there 264 00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:55,533 along with most of the people passing through on their way to Vegas. 265 00:18:55,535 --> 00:18:55,533 Well, what a coincidence. 266 00:18:55,535 --> 00:18:59,804 That is exactly where we're headed, ain't that right? 267 00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:01,639 Lenny here is looking to be famous. 268 00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:01,639 Ain't that right, Lenny? 269 00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:05,576 Oh, what a shame. I was just starting to like your friend. 270 00:19:07,746 --> 00:19:09,180 Oh, boy. 271 00:19:09,182 --> 00:19:10,348 She sure is pretty. 272 00:19:10,350 --> 00:19:11,816 Here's your big chance, Lenny. 273 00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:13,784 Oh, no, she would never go out with me. 274 00:19:13,786 --> 00:19:16,354 The open-mic, cabbage head. 275 00:19:16,356 --> 00:19:18,890 Destiny is calling. It's time to get up there and shake your stuff. 276 00:19:18,892 --> 00:19:20,892 No, no, no. I've got to get to las Vegas. 277 00:19:20,894 --> 00:19:20,892 Suit yourself. 278 00:19:20,894 --> 00:19:24,262 I mean, if you wanna make a complete ass of yourself 279 00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:25,796 before the Caesar of comedy, that's your business, 280 00:19:25,798 --> 00:19:28,266 but believe you me, i know the man, 281 00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:29,934 you only get one shot in front of monte. 282 00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:33,371 This fucking thing ate my money. 283 00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:36,374 Well, maybe if you ask real nicely, 284 00:19:36,376 --> 00:19:38,576 the queen will play us something. 285 00:19:39,611 --> 00:19:40,745 Moi? 286 00:19:42,714 --> 00:19:44,649 Thank you, everyone. 287 00:19:44,651 --> 00:19:46,284 I'd be delighted. 288 00:19:47,419 --> 00:19:49,587 This one's for you, grail baby. 289 00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:06,270 so, you really think i ought to try out this open-mic thing? 290 00:20:06,272 --> 00:20:07,805 Hey, man, it's your foreskin. 291 00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:09,707 I just think you're nuts to blow your load on monte 292 00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:12,944 without trying out your material on some live cadavers, but... 293 00:20:12,946 --> 00:20:14,545 Do what you want. 294 00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:15,880 I ain't your manager. 295 00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:17,348 But you could be. 296 00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:20,484 You could be my manager, hitch. 297 00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:21,385 Well... 298 00:20:21,387 --> 00:20:26,557 Well, I don't know. I mean, I like you. I like you. I do. 299 00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:26,557 I do, but, you know, it's just... 300 00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:31,329 It's just you're not exactly cracking me up a mile a minute over here, Lenny. 301 00:20:31,331 --> 00:20:31,329 But you haven't even heard my routine, 302 00:20:31,331 --> 00:20:35,433 and if there's something you don't like, then you can punch it up. 303 00:20:35,435 --> 00:20:37,835 Yeah, but see, it's just not that simple, man. You see... 304 00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:40,438 Comedy is like sex, right? 305 00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:44,709 What one person finds enjoyable, another person might find sick and disgusting. 306 00:20:44,711 --> 00:20:48,279 I couldn't go into a relationship in which i didn't have complete trust. 307 00:20:48,281 --> 00:20:49,947 Please, hitch. 308 00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:52,516 I have dreamt about this my whole life. 309 00:20:53,452 --> 00:20:55,987 Well, I gotta warn you, Lenny, 310 00:20:55,989 --> 00:20:58,856 I don't enter into contracts lightly. 311 00:20:58,858 --> 00:20:59,991 Oh, no, me neither. 312 00:20:59,993 --> 00:21:01,659 No. Cross my heart. 313 00:21:03,562 --> 00:21:06,764 Well, I know you got a mighty big heart there, Lenny. 314 00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:08,633 Looks like we got us a contract. 315 00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:14,639 Turn away from babylonia! 316 00:21:14,641 --> 00:21:16,007 Evening, father Ricky. 317 00:21:16,009 --> 00:21:18,009 Close the door before you let the flies out. 318 00:21:18,011 --> 00:21:20,978 There is a deceitful prince upon us. 319 00:21:20,980 --> 00:21:24,348 He will bring destruction and despair 320 00:21:24,350 --> 00:21:26,784 unto god's chosen people. 321 00:21:27,853 --> 00:21:30,388 The time is at hand, babylonia. 322 00:21:30,390 --> 00:21:35,359 Yes, the time is at hand! 323 00:21:41,900 --> 00:21:45,603 See, these are the jokes that got me banned from the chuckle hut. 324 00:21:45,605 --> 00:21:45,603 Some bitch over there doesn't want me performing there 325 00:21:45,605 --> 00:21:52,076 so she tells me my material is offensive to the women's movement. 326 00:21:52,078 --> 00:21:54,445 The women's movement? What the hell is that? 327 00:21:54,447 --> 00:21:56,914 Bunch of broads get together and take a dump? 328 00:21:58,984 --> 00:22:01,385 I'm kidding. I'm kidding. 329 00:22:01,387 --> 00:22:03,454 I'm all about female empowerment. 330 00:22:06,858 --> 00:22:08,459 The fuck are you doing? 331 00:22:11,897 --> 00:22:14,332 I don't understand a fucking thing you just said. 332 00:22:14,334 --> 00:22:16,500 Hey, thumb master, how about that cocktail? 333 00:22:16,502 --> 00:22:19,437 I said I'm going over my routine. 334 00:22:19,439 --> 00:22:21,605 Why don't you do it in fu-ba-cking English? 335 00:22:21,607 --> 00:22:23,441 Because this loosens my tongue. 336 00:22:23,443 --> 00:22:26,377 If you want a loose tongue, suck on this. 337 00:22:26,778 --> 00:22:27,878 ...gagging... 338 00:22:37,923 --> 00:22:39,457 All right, all right. 339 00:22:39,459 --> 00:22:43,894 How about a hand for Mr. sensitive, t-bird! 340 00:22:45,498 --> 00:22:47,098 All right, all right, look alive. 341 00:22:47,100 --> 00:22:50,801 It's time to switch over to the open-mic portion of the program. 342 00:22:50,803 --> 00:22:54,004 Now listen, if any of you jokers are thinking about coming up here, 343 00:22:54,006 --> 00:22:55,840 you make sure you sign up on my list. 344 00:22:55,842 --> 00:22:59,677 All right! Put your hairy palms together for our first guest. 345 00:22:59,679 --> 00:23:04,014 He comes to us all the way from peoria, wherever the fuck that is. 346 00:23:04,016 --> 00:23:07,685 Welcome to the stage Mr. Lenny Freeman. 347 00:24:17,789 --> 00:24:18,889 Next. 348 00:24:20,158 --> 00:24:22,660 Uh... uh... 349 00:24:22,662 --> 00:24:25,095 -But you know what, I've-- -next! 350 00:24:25,097 --> 00:24:25,095 I'm, uh... 351 00:24:25,097 --> 00:24:29,233 Come on, man, let's see some fucking comedy. 352 00:24:29,235 --> 00:24:33,204 -I...Uh... -Those jokes are so old, they fart dust. 353 00:24:33,206 --> 00:24:35,206 Get off the stage. 354 00:24:35,208 --> 00:24:38,776 Oh, I think you hurt his feelings, Tommy. 355 00:24:39,811 --> 00:24:42,480 Get off the stage. You suck. 356 00:24:42,482 --> 00:24:45,549 You suck, you suck, you suck, 357 00:24:45,551 --> 00:24:48,652 you suck, you suck, you suck, 358 00:24:48,654 --> 00:24:52,122 you suck, you suck, you suck, 359 00:25:11,743 --> 00:25:12,910 I hate him. 360 00:25:12,912 --> 00:25:17,114 I hate him, and I know it's wrong to, but I do. 361 00:25:17,116 --> 00:25:18,616 And I wish... 362 00:25:19,251 --> 00:25:21,252 I wish he was dead. 363 00:25:21,254 --> 00:25:23,988 Ain't nothing wrong with hate, Lenny. 364 00:25:23,990 --> 00:25:27,525 No, no. Never hate or curse, my mother always said. 365 00:25:28,126 --> 00:25:30,528 You see... no, man, see... 366 00:25:30,530 --> 00:25:30,528 That's the problem of folks today. 367 00:25:30,530 --> 00:25:34,164 Everyone's afraid to express their real feelings. 368 00:25:34,166 --> 00:25:36,000 Takes a real man to admit to hate. 369 00:25:36,735 --> 00:25:36,734 Real man. 370 00:25:36,736 --> 00:25:41,238 I mean, I have been working hard all of my life 371 00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:43,007 and then he had to go and ruin it. 372 00:25:43,009 --> 00:25:45,676 And I'll tell you this, he ruined it for everyone. 373 00:25:45,678 --> 00:25:47,545 Oh, there, there, Princess. 374 00:25:47,547 --> 00:25:51,081 I mean, why would you go all "you suck" like that? 375 00:25:51,083 --> 00:25:54,285 Well, that's an easy one, Lenny. 'Cause you do. 376 00:25:54,287 --> 00:25:55,686 Oh, yeah, very funny. 377 00:25:55,688 --> 00:25:58,155 No, man, I mean, you suck real bad. 378 00:25:58,157 --> 00:26:02,560 Real bad. I mean some people just plain suck-suck, you take sucking to a whole new level. 379 00:26:02,562 --> 00:26:05,629 It's almost spiritual, how amazingly you suck. 380 00:26:05,631 --> 00:26:08,032 -Oh. -That don't mean... 381 00:26:08,034 --> 00:26:11,101 That we can't whip your ass into shape for ol' monte. 382 00:26:12,337 --> 00:26:14,805 Maybe I should just go home. 383 00:26:14,807 --> 00:26:20,344 Oh, now cheer up, buckaroo. You don't wanna let your dear sweet mama down, do you? 384 00:26:20,346 --> 00:26:22,746 The worst is over man. You bombed. 385 00:26:22,748 --> 00:26:24,815 So what, man, happens to the best of them. 386 00:26:24,817 --> 00:26:28,786 What's that old saying? At first you don't succeed, fuck 'em. 387 00:26:29,921 --> 00:26:31,755 I don't know that one. 388 00:26:31,757 --> 00:26:33,157 But you know what, Lenny, 389 00:26:33,925 --> 00:26:35,626 you got to get mad. 390 00:26:35,628 --> 00:26:38,362 You gotta get mad, and get right back out there. 391 00:26:38,364 --> 00:26:40,764 Example. It's like I'm on the road, right? 392 00:26:40,766 --> 00:26:40,764 Thumb out, freezing off my cold nuts, 393 00:26:40,766 --> 00:26:46,804 some four-wheel double-engine douchebag gives me the "sorry, not today" salute. 394 00:26:46,806 --> 00:26:50,841 You know what I do? I get mad. 395 00:26:51,076 --> 00:26:52,743 I get mad. 396 00:26:52,745 --> 00:26:52,743 And while I'm waiting for that next guy to come along, 397 00:26:52,745 --> 00:26:57,948 I think about all the things I'd do to that first car if i ever caught up with him. 398 00:26:57,950 --> 00:27:02,653 I go over it and over it in my mind. Every teensy-weensy little detail. 399 00:27:02,655 --> 00:27:07,725 The pressure on the ball of my foot as I grind my boot into his Adam's apple. 400 00:27:07,727 --> 00:27:11,695 The look in his eyes as I plunge my thumbs in his sockets. 401 00:27:11,697 --> 00:27:15,666 The snap, crackle, pop of his skull as I crack it open like a cantaloupe 402 00:27:15,668 --> 00:27:17,968 and squeeze the life out of his temporal lobe, 403 00:27:17,970 --> 00:27:21,205 inch by inch by inch. 404 00:27:23,975 --> 00:27:26,110 Killing is a sin. 405 00:27:26,112 --> 00:27:29,380 Man, killing a man in your mind ain't like killing a man for real, Lenny. 406 00:27:29,382 --> 00:27:30,781 It's like... 407 00:27:32,350 --> 00:27:34,084 It's like therapy. 408 00:27:35,086 --> 00:27:36,820 Trust me, little tune up... 409 00:27:39,224 --> 00:27:40,991 You're gonna be good as new. 410 00:27:42,894 --> 00:27:45,162 Well, thanks, hitch. I feel better. 411 00:27:45,164 --> 00:27:46,964 I'm gonna go throw up now. 412 00:28:13,725 --> 00:28:16,694 Yeah. 413 00:28:26,271 --> 00:28:27,871 I hate him. 414 00:28:41,219 --> 00:28:43,320 What are you looking at, dick head? 415 00:28:47,792 --> 00:28:49,727 Now, that's funny. 416 00:29:26,097 --> 00:29:27,765 Aw, nuts. 417 00:29:28,366 --> 00:29:29,933 What's the problemo? 418 00:29:29,935 --> 00:29:32,069 I got a stupid flat tire. 419 00:29:32,071 --> 00:29:34,505 Oh, I don't know, I'd be happy to help you, Lenny, 420 00:29:34,507 --> 00:29:36,907 but I ain't supposed to be out in the sun. 421 00:29:37,242 --> 00:29:39,510 Doctor's orders. 422 00:29:39,512 --> 00:29:43,213 Besides, I should probably get ready to puke here in just a minute. 423 00:29:43,215 --> 00:29:45,349 Okay, but don't mess up my car, okay? 424 00:29:45,351 --> 00:29:47,918 I just had everything taken... 425 00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:50,854 Leonard, don't tell me the spare is flat too. 426 00:29:52,490 --> 00:29:53,857 Oh, boy. 427 00:29:59,564 --> 00:30:02,900 What the hell did you do, Lenny? I didn't mean for you to kill the fucker. 428 00:30:02,902 --> 00:30:05,135 I didn't. I don't... I don't know. I... 429 00:30:05,137 --> 00:30:10,073 He... he came out of the club, and... and he was urinating and I was regurgitating and... 430 00:30:10,075 --> 00:30:12,209 -I don't remember! -Hey! 431 00:30:12,977 --> 00:30:15,012 Piss off! We're closed. 432 00:30:16,047 --> 00:30:19,116 I'm just fixing a flat tire. I'm leaving right now. 433 00:30:19,118 --> 00:30:20,951 Oh, it's you. 434 00:30:20,953 --> 00:30:22,586 You really sucked last night. 435 00:30:22,588 --> 00:30:25,088 Yes, I know. Thank you! 436 00:30:25,090 --> 00:30:28,125 Oh, hitch, what am I gonna do? 437 00:30:28,127 --> 00:30:31,161 I don't want to go to prison and have sex with men. 438 00:30:31,163 --> 00:30:32,930 You should have thought of that before you decided 439 00:30:32,932 --> 00:30:35,399 to play don't break the ice with his head. 440 00:30:35,401 --> 00:30:38,135 Please, hitch, you gotta help me. 441 00:30:40,338 --> 00:30:42,906 The things I do for my clients. 442 00:30:45,510 --> 00:30:46,877 Come on. 443 00:33:40,284 --> 00:33:42,586 fucking tragedy, that's what it is. 444 00:33:43,621 --> 00:33:43,620 I never even ran over a dog. 445 00:33:43,622 --> 00:33:50,093 Putting up another money trap in the middle of all this fucking beauty. 446 00:33:50,095 --> 00:33:52,095 Not that I'm a big fan of desert, mind you. 447 00:33:52,097 --> 00:33:54,431 Too much sun, and I'm a dead man. 448 00:33:55,233 --> 00:33:58,568 Yep. Might burn like a Salem witch. 449 00:33:59,771 --> 00:34:01,471 I hate the fuckin' desert. 450 00:34:01,473 --> 00:34:01,471 I killed a person. 451 00:34:01,473 --> 00:34:06,676 Still, it's a shame though, ripping up a bunch of cactus for some big neon igloo 452 00:34:06,678 --> 00:34:09,613 filled with free cocktails, silicon tits. 453 00:34:09,615 --> 00:34:09,613 Chopped him up to pieces... 454 00:34:09,615 --> 00:34:15,519 You know how many lives are ruined by gambling every year, statistically speaking? 455 00:34:15,521 --> 00:34:18,488 A fucking lot. That's how many. 456 00:34:18,490 --> 00:34:23,193 Shits like cholesterol gets in your arteries, and you are fucked. 457 00:34:23,195 --> 00:34:25,662 Except of course, in gambling, you can still eat bacon. 458 00:34:25,664 --> 00:34:27,564 Aren't you listening? 459 00:34:27,566 --> 00:34:29,399 I killed a person. 460 00:34:29,401 --> 00:34:32,302 I... I killed him, and then i cut him up... 461 00:34:32,304 --> 00:34:34,704 And then I buried him, and then I un-buried him... 462 00:34:34,706 --> 00:34:37,574 Now I can't get rid of him and I don't know what I'm gonna do. 463 00:34:37,576 --> 00:34:40,777 Well, if you'd stop thinking about yourself for a fucking nanosecond, 464 00:34:40,779 --> 00:34:44,314 you'd see that I'm over here trying to draw situational analogies 465 00:34:44,316 --> 00:34:47,684 to help you see that you're not the only guy in the world with fucking problems. 466 00:34:51,689 --> 00:34:53,290 I'm sorry. 467 00:34:53,292 --> 00:34:53,290 Oh, forget it. 468 00:34:53,292 --> 00:34:58,095 I know you're under a lot of stress with this recent dismemberment thing and all. 469 00:34:58,097 --> 00:34:59,629 Oh, hey, what time is it? 470 00:35:01,632 --> 00:35:01,631 Almost 7:00. 471 00:35:01,633 --> 00:35:05,802 Perfect. Gonna be back just in time for open-mic. 472 00:35:05,804 --> 00:35:05,802 What? No, I can't go there. 473 00:35:05,804 --> 00:35:11,341 Hey, you gotta trust me now, Lenny. You gotta get back up on that horse. 474 00:35:11,343 --> 00:35:13,777 No, no, no. We gotta get out of here. No, I have to go on the lam. 475 00:35:13,779 --> 00:35:15,712 -The lam? -Yes. I have to... 476 00:35:15,714 --> 00:35:19,382 Grow a beard, and I have to drive to Mexico or something. 477 00:35:19,384 --> 00:35:21,418 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down there, Thelma. 478 00:35:21,420 --> 00:35:24,855 You don't understand. Hitch, I have never been in trouble. 479 00:35:24,857 --> 00:35:27,157 And now I'm in the worst kind of trouble ever. 480 00:35:27,159 --> 00:35:28,325 No, you ain't, Lenny. 481 00:35:28,327 --> 00:35:30,227 -Yes, I am, hitch. -No, you ain't. 482 00:35:30,229 --> 00:35:32,863 -Yes, I am, hitch. -No, you ain't, Lenny. 483 00:35:36,834 --> 00:35:38,468 Okay. 484 00:35:38,470 --> 00:35:39,536 Now you are. 485 00:35:52,150 --> 00:35:53,617 Here. Let me see. Here. 486 00:35:56,154 --> 00:35:57,654 Act natural. 487 00:36:10,168 --> 00:36:12,202 I know what you're thinking. 488 00:36:12,204 --> 00:36:15,205 Whether you're on 65 or 50, 489 00:36:15,207 --> 00:36:19,576 well, to tell you the truth, in all of this excitement, i kinda forgot myself. 490 00:36:19,578 --> 00:36:22,646 So you've got to ask yourself one thing. 491 00:36:22,648 --> 00:36:24,281 Do you feel lucky? 492 00:36:24,649 --> 00:36:27,450 Well, do ya, punk? 493 00:36:32,623 --> 00:36:34,324 All right. 494 00:36:34,926 --> 00:36:37,928 Out of the car there, pilgrim. 495 00:36:37,930 --> 00:36:40,530 Hands where I can see 'em. 496 00:36:55,279 --> 00:36:57,681 Now I know this might seem a bit odd, officer, 497 00:36:57,683 --> 00:37:00,984 but the reason my friend here is such a mess is we were just-- 498 00:37:00,986 --> 00:37:02,619 you talkin' to me? 499 00:37:04,789 --> 00:37:07,791 Well, you must be talkin' to me. There isn't anyone else here. 500 00:37:09,927 --> 00:37:11,628 Let's see what's in the trunk. 501 00:37:15,466 --> 00:37:16,600 Go ahead. 502 00:37:16,968 --> 00:37:18,802 Make my afternoon. 503 00:37:20,972 --> 00:37:22,606 Go ahead, Lenny. 504 00:37:23,608 --> 00:37:25,308 Pop the trunk. 505 00:37:32,850 --> 00:37:35,685 Just means we're gonna be late for your performance. 506 00:37:36,854 --> 00:37:36,853 Performance? 507 00:37:36,855 --> 00:37:40,590 That's right, officer. My friend here is a performer, 508 00:37:40,592 --> 00:37:42,425 and this is all part of his routine. 509 00:37:42,427 --> 00:37:45,262 Not that that should excuse us from breaking the law. 510 00:37:46,998 --> 00:37:46,997 Performers, huh? 511 00:37:46,999 --> 00:37:51,334 Yes, indeed. Now... now, if I'm not mistaken, 512 00:37:51,336 --> 00:37:56,439 you got a little performer in you yourself, don't you, officer, uh, flick, is it? 513 00:37:56,941 --> 00:37:58,408 You noticed, did you? 514 00:37:58,410 --> 00:38:00,644 Hey, you know what, i got a great idea. 515 00:38:00,646 --> 00:38:04,314 How about you join us as our guest tonight at the club? 516 00:38:04,316 --> 00:38:05,715 You see, we're all true as toast. 517 00:38:05,717 --> 00:38:05,715 Ain't that right, Lenny? 518 00:38:07,885 --> 00:38:10,487 'Course, we are running a tad late. 519 00:38:28,773 --> 00:38:30,540 Yeah. 520 00:38:30,542 --> 00:38:34,611 Yeah. Don't get me started on all that glass ceiling shit. 521 00:38:34,613 --> 00:38:38,915 Women. They all wanna talk about the glass ceiling. Don't get ahead of yourself, okay? 522 00:38:38,917 --> 00:38:42,052 Let's start small. Let's talk about the glass coffee table first. 523 00:38:42,054 --> 00:38:46,823 That's where you're on top and I'm underneath, taking pictures. 524 00:38:48,060 --> 00:38:50,593 Oh, you've got a nice smile there. 525 00:38:51,796 --> 00:38:54,064 Oh, I got a lil' smudge... 526 00:38:58,636 --> 00:38:59,869 Oh, what, too far? 527 00:38:59,871 --> 00:39:02,605 That was too far for you? Okay, okay. 528 00:39:02,607 --> 00:39:04,974 Hey, just so you ladies don't think I'm a total cad, 529 00:39:04,976 --> 00:39:07,844 I'm gonna buy one of you a drink. Which one of you wants a drink? 530 00:39:07,846 --> 00:39:11,681 Yeah, I'll give you a... I'll get you a nice little drink here. 531 00:39:11,683 --> 00:39:12,816 You know. 532 00:39:14,852 --> 00:39:16,886 Oh, yeah. 533 00:39:16,888 --> 00:39:19,756 You want some of this, baby? Huh? 534 00:39:19,758 --> 00:39:20,924 Oh, yeah. 535 00:39:33,938 --> 00:39:35,805 There you go, darling. 536 00:39:35,807 --> 00:39:37,841 There you go. Come on. 537 00:39:37,843 --> 00:39:40,510 Bottoms up. I'm t-bird. 538 00:39:45,950 --> 00:39:48,785 The one and only t-bird. 539 00:39:51,455 --> 00:39:54,090 All right, all right, all right, settle the fuck down. 540 00:39:54,092 --> 00:39:58,061 All right, we have a special guest back with us for open-mic. 541 00:39:58,063 --> 00:40:02,499 Some of you might remember his... his stunning debut last night. 542 00:40:02,501 --> 00:40:05,769 Please welcome to the stage, for more abuse, 543 00:40:06,804 --> 00:40:08,104 Lenny Freeman. 544 00:40:50,581 --> 00:40:52,982 Um, I'm sorry I'm such a mess. 545 00:41:00,191 --> 00:41:02,058 I just killed a guy. 546 00:41:05,463 --> 00:41:07,530 H... he was heckling me. 547 00:41:10,734 --> 00:41:13,803 Then I... I had to learn the hard way that... 548 00:41:13,805 --> 00:41:17,540 It's pretty difficult getting rid of a body these days. 549 00:41:22,079 --> 00:41:26,216 I cut him up into... Pieces, but... 550 00:41:26,218 --> 00:41:30,119 That's what I had to do just to get him into that tiny little hole. 551 00:41:30,121 --> 00:41:33,256 He was much bigger than I thought. 552 00:41:35,926 --> 00:41:37,227 Maybe it's the... 553 00:41:37,229 --> 00:41:39,162 Today's portion sizes, i don't know. 554 00:41:44,268 --> 00:41:48,738 You know what...You know what the hardest part about cutting someone into pieces is? 555 00:41:49,940 --> 00:41:51,107 It's the bones. 556 00:41:59,683 --> 00:42:02,585 No, really. The bones were the hardest part. 557 00:42:17,835 --> 00:42:19,035 It's me. 558 00:42:19,870 --> 00:42:21,170 You got a lot of nerve. 559 00:42:21,172 --> 00:42:21,170 I can explain, okay? 560 00:42:21,172 --> 00:42:25,241 I take you into my kingdom, and this is how you fucking repay me? 561 00:42:25,243 --> 00:42:28,077 It was a mistake. I'm gonna pay you back, every cent. 562 00:42:28,079 --> 00:42:31,047 Goodbye, Stan. We all know how this is gonna end. 563 00:42:31,049 --> 00:42:32,148 Wait. Wait. Hey. 564 00:42:32,150 --> 00:42:33,716 I got something for you. 565 00:42:33,718 --> 00:42:35,952 A live one. I've been grooming him. 566 00:42:41,625 --> 00:42:44,627 If you're looking for your friend, he's gone. 567 00:42:45,229 --> 00:42:46,863 Asked me to give you this. 568 00:42:48,132 --> 00:42:51,067 That's some funny stuff up there tonight, Mr. Freeman. 569 00:42:51,069 --> 00:42:51,067 Uh, yes, thank you. 570 00:42:51,069 --> 00:42:57,974 I always wanted to get up on stage myself. I just never had the guts. 571 00:42:57,976 --> 00:43:02,645 I bet you think I'm some kind of coward hiding behind this badge. 572 00:43:03,981 --> 00:43:06,950 Well, duty calls. 573 00:43:06,952 --> 00:43:09,752 Some old lady queer cracked her head at mini-mart. 574 00:43:09,754 --> 00:43:11,788 Found her dead in the freezer case. 575 00:43:14,725 --> 00:43:16,593 Good luck, Mr. Freeman. 576 00:43:18,662 --> 00:43:20,697 Here's looking at you, kid. 577 00:43:51,895 --> 00:43:54,030 -What are you doing here? -Put these on. 578 00:43:54,032 --> 00:43:56,899 -Why? -Why do you think? To keep a low profile. 579 00:43:59,103 --> 00:44:00,169 There. 580 00:44:00,171 --> 00:44:01,904 -What are you doing? -Celebrating. 581 00:44:01,906 --> 00:44:04,173 -Pink squirrel? -No. We've got to get out of here. 582 00:44:04,175 --> 00:44:07,644 -Are you crazy? -Of course, I'm crazy. I just killed a man. 583 00:44:07,646 --> 00:44:09,679 Whoa, slow down there, gentle John. 584 00:44:09,681 --> 00:44:11,014 I don't know what's happening to me. 585 00:44:11,016 --> 00:44:13,249 I'll tell you what's happening to you, Lenny. 586 00:44:13,251 --> 00:44:13,249 You're a hit. 587 00:44:13,251 --> 00:44:18,388 You heard that crowd tonight. That was a killer set, my friend. 588 00:44:18,390 --> 00:44:18,388 No pun intended. 589 00:44:18,390 --> 00:44:21,691 Yeah, but I chopped up a human being. 590 00:44:21,693 --> 00:44:23,760 He wasn't a human being. He was a biker. 591 00:44:23,762 --> 00:44:23,760 There's a difference. 592 00:44:23,762 --> 00:44:28,197 Man, don't you see what's going on here? You got exactly what you wanted. 593 00:44:28,199 --> 00:44:29,666 What'll it be, gentlemen? 594 00:44:29,668 --> 00:44:31,000 Uh, you serve food here? 595 00:44:31,002 --> 00:44:31,000 Depends on what you consider food. 596 00:44:31,002 --> 00:44:36,272 Uh, let's get a couple of menus, please, and another one of these. 597 00:44:36,274 --> 00:44:37,740 Mm-hmm. 598 00:44:38,275 --> 00:44:40,076 I'll put it in a dribble glass. 599 00:44:43,914 --> 00:44:45,915 Hitch, this is not what I wanted. 600 00:44:45,917 --> 00:44:47,884 You said you wanted to be famous. 601 00:44:49,053 --> 00:44:50,286 No. I mean... 602 00:44:51,288 --> 00:44:51,287 I mean, yes, I did. 603 00:44:51,289 --> 00:44:56,826 It's just, I don't know anymore because everything is just wrong. 604 00:44:56,828 --> 00:45:00,129 Okay. There, there, let it all out. 605 00:45:01,098 --> 00:45:04,067 You know, I wasn't gonna tell you this, but... 606 00:45:04,069 --> 00:45:08,071 Now, would it make you feel any better if I told you that I killed the guy? 607 00:45:09,173 --> 00:45:10,406 You're just trying to be nice. 608 00:45:10,408 --> 00:45:15,344 No. No. You see, you passed out, and I... 609 00:45:15,346 --> 00:45:18,881 Well, I kinda bashed the guy's head in with a tire-arm. 610 00:45:19,450 --> 00:45:20,717 Needed to be done. 611 00:45:20,719 --> 00:45:22,251 Now, come on. Blow your nose. 612 00:45:22,253 --> 00:45:23,319 There you go. 613 00:45:29,860 --> 00:45:33,463 -You... you killed for real? -Mm-hmm. 614 00:45:33,465 --> 00:45:35,064 You feel better now? 615 00:45:35,066 --> 00:45:36,833 Oh, wow. 616 00:45:36,835 --> 00:45:39,335 That's great. That means I'm not a murderer. 617 00:45:42,372 --> 00:45:44,207 Oh, wait a minute. 618 00:45:44,209 --> 00:45:45,908 That makes you a murderer. 619 00:45:46,877 --> 00:45:46,876 Wait a minute. You're a murderer! 620 00:45:46,878 --> 00:45:50,079 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where do you think you're going? 621 00:45:50,081 --> 00:45:52,181 I won't tell anyone, hitch. I swear. I swear. 622 00:45:52,183 --> 00:45:54,417 I mean, if you kill somebody, you must be having a good reason. 623 00:45:54,419 --> 00:45:56,285 -Of course, I do. -So, what's the verdict? 624 00:45:56,754 --> 00:45:58,254 Uh, nothing. 625 00:45:58,256 --> 00:45:59,856 Hey, don't I know you? 626 00:45:59,858 --> 00:46:01,290 Could you come back later, please? 627 00:46:01,292 --> 00:46:02,492 I did it for you, Lenny. 628 00:46:02,494 --> 00:46:04,494 -How about you, Mr. pink? -Just toast, please. 629 00:46:04,496 --> 00:46:05,862 What do you mean you did it for me? 630 00:46:05,864 --> 00:46:07,230 You said you wished he was dead. 631 00:46:07,232 --> 00:46:07,230 We don't serve no "just toast." 632 00:46:07,232 --> 00:46:11,868 If you want just toast, you have to order just chicken salad. 633 00:46:11,870 --> 00:46:13,269 But I didn't ask you to do anything. 634 00:46:13,271 --> 00:46:16,105 -But I don't want just chicken salad. -Hitch. 635 00:46:16,107 --> 00:46:18,241 The chicken salad comes toasted. I suggest you order. 636 00:46:18,243 --> 00:46:20,977 -Hitch. -Or the lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise. 637 00:46:20,979 --> 00:46:23,446 -Hitch. -What do I do with the chicken salad? 638 00:46:23,448 --> 00:46:23,446 I am not a part of this. 639 00:46:23,448 --> 00:46:26,449 Why don't you hold it between your knees? 640 00:46:26,451 --> 00:46:28,284 I am not a part of any of this. 641 00:46:40,264 --> 00:46:41,264 Now you are. 642 00:46:41,266 --> 00:46:42,465 Come on, get up. 643 00:46:42,467 --> 00:46:42,465 All right! 644 00:46:42,467 --> 00:46:49,005 Now, any of you assholes want a couple of new assholes and start making macho. 645 00:46:52,176 --> 00:46:54,143 Thank you, everybody. You've been a great audience. 646 00:46:54,145 --> 00:46:57,413 Now, please, don't forget to tip your waitresses. 647 00:47:12,896 --> 00:47:14,230 You feel better now? 648 00:47:17,935 --> 00:47:20,303 Oh, that's real mature. 649 00:47:20,305 --> 00:47:22,071 Do you realize what you did? 650 00:47:22,073 --> 00:47:22,071 Yeah. Killed some loudmouth waitress. 651 00:47:22,073 --> 00:47:26,442 Maybe she'll think twice about lipping off in the afterlife. 652 00:47:26,444 --> 00:47:26,442 Everyone saw us. 653 00:47:26,444 --> 00:47:30,580 Which means that everyone is gonna have a different story. 654 00:47:30,582 --> 00:47:32,215 That's the beauty of crowds. 655 00:47:32,217 --> 00:47:33,916 This is insane! 656 00:47:33,918 --> 00:47:35,484 You gave me no choice. You were about to run. 657 00:47:35,486 --> 00:47:36,886 I had to think fast. 658 00:47:36,888 --> 00:47:39,488 Now, you're not going anywhere. 659 00:47:39,490 --> 00:47:40,890 Now you're an accomplice. 660 00:47:40,892 --> 00:47:42,525 Oh, no. No, no. I didn't do anything. 661 00:47:42,527 --> 00:47:45,161 Oh, i didn't do anything. I didn't do anything. 662 00:47:45,163 --> 00:47:47,430 Man, you are starting to sound like a broken 8-track. 663 00:47:47,432 --> 00:47:49,565 Don't you remember our little deal over din-din? 664 00:47:49,567 --> 00:47:53,236 Oh, hitch, I would do anything if you help me. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 665 00:47:53,238 --> 00:47:55,905 Man, you finally got what you wanted. 666 00:47:55,907 --> 00:47:57,907 You're a fucking comic sensation. 667 00:47:57,909 --> 00:48:00,076 You should be happy as a super model's panty shield. 668 00:48:00,078 --> 00:48:03,312 Do I get so much as a thank you? No, I do not. 669 00:48:03,314 --> 00:48:05,281 Thank you? For what? 670 00:48:05,283 --> 00:48:08,351 You have killed a bunch of innocent people. 671 00:48:08,353 --> 00:48:12,588 No one in this world is innocent, Lenny, only uninvolved. 672 00:48:12,590 --> 00:48:15,391 Consider yourself involved. 673 00:48:15,393 --> 00:48:18,327 Now you've finally got a little inspiration, man. 674 00:48:18,329 --> 00:48:21,130 And it's in that trunk any time you need it. 675 00:48:21,431 --> 00:48:22,632 Okay. 676 00:48:22,634 --> 00:48:24,367 Okay. Take the car. 677 00:48:24,369 --> 00:48:24,367 You don't need me. 678 00:48:24,369 --> 00:48:28,938 Well, I appreciate the offer, Lenny, but see, I don't drive. 679 00:48:29,506 --> 00:48:29,505 You're kidding. 680 00:48:29,507 --> 00:48:33,576 You know how many people get killed behind the wheel of one of them things every year, 681 00:48:33,578 --> 00:48:35,978 statistically speaking, I mean? 682 00:48:35,980 --> 00:48:38,180 A fucking lot. That's how many. 683 00:48:38,182 --> 00:48:42,652 Nope. I'm afraid there's only one way out of our contract. 684 00:48:42,654 --> 00:48:44,987 I don't think you got the acorns. 685 00:48:44,989 --> 00:48:47,356 -Anything. I'll do it. -Oh yeah? 686 00:48:47,358 --> 00:48:49,091 -Yes. -Yeah? Okay. 687 00:48:50,427 --> 00:48:53,229 Here. Here you go. Come on! 688 00:48:53,231 --> 00:48:55,665 Come on, Mr. money-where- your-mouth-is. Come on. 689 00:48:55,667 --> 00:48:57,433 Yeah, all right, come on. 690 00:48:58,201 --> 00:48:59,568 There you go. 691 00:48:59,570 --> 00:49:01,470 There you go. Do it, Lenny. 692 00:49:01,472 --> 00:49:02,939 Splatter the matter! 693 00:49:02,941 --> 00:49:02,939 Take the desert. 694 00:49:02,941 --> 00:49:06,275 One squeeze, and you're a free man, Freeman. 695 00:49:06,277 --> 00:49:09,946 Oh, yeah, that feels nice, don't it, being the one in control? 696 00:49:09,948 --> 00:49:11,447 Yeah, come on, Lenny, do it. 697 00:49:11,449 --> 00:49:14,283 Do it. You know I ain't right for this world, Lenny. 698 00:49:14,551 --> 00:49:16,152 Do it. 699 00:49:16,154 --> 00:49:17,386 Do it! 700 00:49:24,628 --> 00:49:26,195 Oh, man. 701 00:49:27,431 --> 00:49:29,031 Got you. 702 00:49:30,600 --> 00:49:31,968 Oh, man. 703 00:49:31,970 --> 00:49:33,502 Now that's funny. 704 00:49:37,708 --> 00:49:39,709 Whether you like it or not, 705 00:49:39,711 --> 00:49:42,011 we're a team, partner, 706 00:49:42,446 --> 00:49:44,413 just like bing and Jerry. 707 00:50:39,036 --> 00:50:39,035 Now, remember, 708 00:50:39,037 --> 00:50:43,105 in trying to cut out, i might have every trooper within a hundred miles 709 00:50:43,107 --> 00:50:46,575 crawling through that trunk of yours like gerbils in an ass convention. 710 00:50:46,577 --> 00:50:48,544 Please don't kill anyone. 711 00:50:48,546 --> 00:50:52,181 Anyway, Lenny, just to prove to you that I'm a man of my word, 712 00:50:52,183 --> 00:50:55,051 I'm gonna leave my gun in the glove compartment. 713 00:50:57,287 --> 00:51:00,289 How do I know that's the real one? 714 00:51:00,291 --> 00:51:02,658 Well, if you pull the trigger when it's in your mouth, 715 00:51:02,660 --> 00:51:05,394 and it opens a hole about yea big, 716 00:51:05,396 --> 00:51:06,595 then you know. 717 00:51:16,540 --> 00:51:18,741 Come on, now. There you go. Keep 'em up. 718 00:51:18,743 --> 00:51:21,377 You look to me like someone who appreciates a good laugh. 719 00:51:21,379 --> 00:51:23,646 Now stop me if you heard this one before. 720 00:51:33,590 --> 00:51:35,157 Read the... 721 00:51:35,159 --> 00:51:36,258 Never mind. Come on. 722 00:51:36,260 --> 00:51:38,360 Come on. Come on, let's go. 723 00:51:43,800 --> 00:51:45,434 Are you going somewhere? 724 00:51:45,436 --> 00:51:47,103 Was I speeding, officer? 725 00:51:54,277 --> 00:51:55,411 No. No. 726 00:51:57,180 --> 00:51:59,348 -'52? -'53. 727 00:51:59,716 --> 00:52:01,217 It's nice. 728 00:52:03,253 --> 00:52:05,221 I used to have an oldsmobile. 729 00:52:05,223 --> 00:52:06,856 I remember it had a lot of trunk space. 730 00:52:09,293 --> 00:52:13,729 Why don't we use this spare tire in place of this spare tire, 731 00:52:13,731 --> 00:52:16,298 while we wait for your friend to get done with his business? 732 00:52:20,738 --> 00:52:22,638 Sweet mother of-- 733 00:52:38,388 --> 00:52:39,655 Now, get up. 734 00:52:40,924 --> 00:52:42,558 It's showtime. 735 00:52:58,508 --> 00:53:00,209 And the... 736 00:53:00,211 --> 00:53:02,545 And then the next thing I notice, 737 00:53:02,547 --> 00:53:04,513 there's blood everywhere. 738 00:53:06,517 --> 00:53:09,218 I mean... everywhere... 739 00:53:09,220 --> 00:53:11,854 Except inside of him anymore. 740 00:53:15,625 --> 00:53:18,394 Then... to make matters worse, 741 00:53:18,396 --> 00:53:20,629 I'm running out of clean shirts. 742 00:53:24,601 --> 00:53:28,837 Maybe like if... If you would eat a lobster without a bib on... 743 00:53:30,474 --> 00:53:34,543 Except... except the difference is that... 744 00:53:34,545 --> 00:53:37,379 When you crack open a lobster, it doesn't... 745 00:53:37,381 --> 00:53:40,282 Scream for its life and spray blood everywhere. 746 00:53:52,696 --> 00:53:54,697 If it... did... 747 00:53:54,699 --> 00:53:57,299 I think there's be a lot less seafood restaurants. 748 00:54:01,304 --> 00:54:04,673 Lenny! Lenny! Lenny! 749 00:54:04,675 --> 00:54:07,676 Lenny! Lenny! Lenny! 750 00:54:07,678 --> 00:54:10,646 Lenny! Lenny! Lenny! 751 00:54:31,735 --> 00:54:34,503 Hey, hey, hey. Where are you going, sunshine? 752 00:54:34,505 --> 00:54:36,005 -I quit. -Whoa, whoa, whoa. 753 00:54:36,007 --> 00:54:37,873 Is this any way to treat your manager? 754 00:54:37,875 --> 00:54:40,476 Okay. You are not my manager. 755 00:54:40,478 --> 00:54:42,911 You are a cold-blooded killer. That's what you are. 756 00:54:42,913 --> 00:54:46,415 Sticks and stones, Lenny, sticks and stones. 757 00:54:46,417 --> 00:54:47,483 Hey, man. 758 00:54:47,485 --> 00:54:48,884 Would you sign this for me? 759 00:54:48,886 --> 00:54:51,487 -Huh? -I mean, you know, for when you're famous. 760 00:54:51,489 --> 00:54:54,690 How can you leave all this, Lenny? 761 00:54:54,692 --> 00:54:57,026 Hey, tell you what, Lenny, I'm gonna take tonight's drama 762 00:54:57,028 --> 00:54:59,428 to get us a nice spread over at that flea palace 763 00:54:59,430 --> 00:55:02,331 they call "motel biggest-room-they-got". Huh? 764 00:55:02,333 --> 00:55:03,899 Let you rest up for tomorrow. 765 00:55:03,901 --> 00:55:05,401 No. 766 00:55:06,369 --> 00:55:07,569 No? 767 00:55:09,306 --> 00:55:10,673 What do you mean no? 768 00:55:10,675 --> 00:55:12,908 I am turning myself in. 769 00:55:12,910 --> 00:55:15,077 You are not going anywhere, asshole. 770 00:55:15,079 --> 00:55:16,445 And you wanna know why? 771 00:55:16,447 --> 00:55:19,014 Because I think you like it. 772 00:55:19,016 --> 00:55:21,917 That's right, Lenny boy, i saw you up there. 773 00:55:21,919 --> 00:55:23,986 You got a taste now. 774 00:55:23,988 --> 00:55:25,688 It's in your system. 775 00:55:26,790 --> 00:55:30,326 So let's drop this charade. 776 00:55:30,328 --> 00:55:33,629 You couldn't walk away now even if you tried. 777 00:55:34,664 --> 00:55:37,066 Hey! There he is. 778 00:55:37,068 --> 00:55:39,501 I just got a call from monte's people. 779 00:55:39,503 --> 00:55:42,071 They're sending someone down to take a look. 780 00:55:42,073 --> 00:55:44,873 No more open-mic for you, Freeman. 781 00:55:44,875 --> 00:55:46,775 Bumping you up to headliner. 782 00:55:52,082 --> 00:55:56,352 You still wanna leave, Mr. headliner? 783 00:55:57,420 --> 00:55:59,521 I didn't think so. 784 00:56:01,891 --> 00:56:05,861 Let me give you a little piece of advice my father once gave me. 785 00:56:06,830 --> 00:56:08,564 Son... 786 00:56:08,566 --> 00:56:11,767 You need to go out and get laid or something. 787 00:56:14,838 --> 00:56:17,439 Think about it. 788 00:56:17,441 --> 00:56:20,642 I'll be back at the motel when you come to your senses. 789 00:56:39,729 --> 00:56:43,098 You know, I've seen a man bend a spoon just by staring at it, 790 00:56:43,100 --> 00:56:45,968 but never a meatloaf. 791 00:56:46,971 --> 00:56:50,939 Oh, hey, you're the guy that took t-bird's place at the club. 792 00:56:50,941 --> 00:56:52,574 News travels fast. 793 00:56:52,576 --> 00:56:54,777 I thought you were heading to Vegas or something. 794 00:56:54,779 --> 00:56:56,478 I was... 795 00:56:56,480 --> 00:56:57,913 I can't go right now. 796 00:56:57,915 --> 00:56:59,581 Doesn't surprise me. 797 00:56:59,583 --> 00:57:01,884 Nobody ever leaves this place. 798 00:57:01,886 --> 00:57:03,118 Are you done with this? 799 00:57:03,120 --> 00:57:03,118 Yeah. 800 00:57:03,120 --> 00:57:08,490 I was just gonna sit here a while. Do you mind? 801 00:57:08,492 --> 00:57:08,490 Oh, I don't know. 802 00:57:08,492 --> 00:57:14,830 I mean, as you can see, we have quite a high demand for this table tonight. 803 00:57:15,632 --> 00:57:16,732 Oh. 804 00:57:18,802 --> 00:57:20,502 Here you go. 805 00:57:20,504 --> 00:57:22,805 And don't worry about it. 806 00:57:22,807 --> 00:57:23,906 It's on the house. 807 00:57:23,908 --> 00:57:25,040 Thank you. 808 00:57:25,042 --> 00:57:26,708 What happened to your arm? 809 00:57:28,445 --> 00:57:31,046 Oh. Nothing. 810 00:57:31,048 --> 00:57:33,749 You know, I must have like whacked it on the grill or something. It... 811 00:57:33,751 --> 00:57:35,918 It gets pretty greasy back there. 812 00:57:35,920 --> 00:57:35,918 I guess. 813 00:57:35,920 --> 00:57:40,055 Or I'm just... I'm just plain clumsy. 814 00:57:40,057 --> 00:57:40,055 That's what t-bird says. 815 00:57:40,057 --> 00:57:45,961 When I was a kid, my dad used to tell everybody that I was clumsy too. 816 00:57:45,963 --> 00:57:51,467 Except he would tell everybody that I got whacked by a door, not a grill. 817 00:57:52,101 --> 00:57:53,569 Oh. 818 00:57:53,571 --> 00:57:56,205 You know, it was funny because after he died, 819 00:57:56,207 --> 00:57:58,707 I stopped being so clumsy all the time. 820 00:57:59,709 --> 00:58:01,910 Bet that means you're pretty happy. 821 00:58:03,012 --> 00:58:04,880 Not really. Uh... 822 00:58:04,882 --> 00:58:09,818 I mean I was glad that i wasn't, you know, so "clumsy" anymore, but, 823 00:58:09,820 --> 00:58:11,086 I miss my dad. 824 00:58:12,121 --> 00:58:14,923 Um... you must think this is strange. 825 00:58:15,124 --> 00:58:16,692 No. 826 00:58:18,561 --> 00:58:20,162 It doesn't sound strange at all. 827 00:58:21,165 --> 00:58:21,163 Hey, grail. 828 00:58:21,165 --> 00:58:25,968 What the fuck? I've been waiting outside for ten minutes. 829 00:58:25,970 --> 00:58:27,803 Let's go. 830 00:58:28,905 --> 00:58:31,139 I'm sorry. I have to go. 831 00:58:31,141 --> 00:58:33,842 It was really nice talking with you, um... 832 00:58:33,844 --> 00:58:34,810 Lenny. 833 00:58:34,812 --> 00:58:36,578 -Lenny. -Yeah. 834 00:58:36,580 --> 00:58:38,981 -Grail. -Oh, that's so pretty. 835 00:58:38,983 --> 00:58:39,982 Irish? 836 00:58:39,984 --> 00:58:41,016 Typo. 837 00:58:43,086 --> 00:58:44,786 Watch out for that grill. 838 00:58:53,596 --> 00:58:55,264 Mmm, mmm, mmm. 839 00:58:55,266 --> 00:58:58,800 Love must be deaf and dumb, as well as blind. 840 00:58:59,168 --> 00:59:00,669 I guess. 841 00:59:00,671 --> 00:59:02,137 Hey, are you gonna eat that? 842 00:59:02,139 --> 00:59:03,906 Oh, all yours. 843 00:59:05,275 --> 00:59:08,143 What is this stuff? I'm a strict vegetarian. 844 00:59:08,145 --> 00:59:08,143 Meatloaf. 845 00:59:08,145 --> 00:59:12,114 Oh, well, let's just eat around the bad parts. 846 00:59:13,182 --> 00:59:15,284 Oh, by the way, my friends call me tq. 847 00:59:15,286 --> 00:59:17,786 Oh. Lenny. Hi. 848 00:59:19,924 --> 00:59:23,258 Don't worry. She'll be all right. 849 00:59:23,260 --> 00:59:25,027 Oh, no, I'm not looking at her. 850 00:59:25,029 --> 00:59:25,027 Oh, please, honey, 851 00:59:25,029 --> 00:59:29,164 you lit up like a plastic snowman when she was talking to you. 852 00:59:29,166 --> 00:59:32,768 Before that, you were like some kind of walking poster child for despair. 853 00:59:32,770 --> 00:59:34,870 I'm sorry. I guess I just have a lot on my mind. 854 00:59:34,872 --> 00:59:39,007 Well, if there's something i learned about this nasty old world, 855 00:59:39,009 --> 00:59:43,579 it's that you do best by ignoring everything the mind has to tell you, 856 00:59:43,581 --> 00:59:46,582 and paying a little closer attention to the heart. 857 00:59:47,584 --> 00:59:49,184 The heart knows what it wants. 858 00:59:50,754 --> 00:59:55,123 Mmm. That man sure does have a gift for the obvious. 859 00:59:55,125 --> 00:59:57,326 Maybe somebody should do something. 860 00:59:57,328 --> 00:59:59,127 Maybe someone should. 861 01:00:01,931 --> 01:00:04,066 I told you, we were just talking. 862 01:00:04,068 --> 01:00:05,200 Just talking? 863 01:00:05,202 --> 01:00:06,868 Yeah. About what? 864 01:00:06,870 --> 01:00:09,805 About how your friend in there took my spot? 865 01:00:10,273 --> 01:00:12,140 You're drunk. 866 01:00:12,142 --> 01:00:14,209 Don't lie to me, grail. 867 01:00:14,211 --> 01:00:17,012 Get your hands off me, please. 868 01:00:17,014 --> 01:00:18,680 You heard her. 869 01:00:18,682 --> 01:00:20,349 Get your hands off. 870 01:00:21,952 --> 01:00:25,053 Well, if it isn't the king of comedy. 871 01:00:26,689 --> 01:00:28,724 Look, I don't want any trouble, okay? 872 01:00:28,726 --> 01:00:30,626 Just... just leave her alone. 873 01:00:32,695 --> 01:00:34,963 This isn't any of your fucking business. 874 01:00:37,767 --> 01:00:40,035 Maybe I'm making it my business. 875 01:00:41,404 --> 01:00:44,373 Please, Lenny, go back inside. 876 01:00:44,375 --> 01:00:47,242 Sorry. I can't do that. 877 01:00:47,244 --> 01:00:51,179 Yeah. Why don't you enlighten us? Tell us what you were gonna do. 878 01:00:52,181 --> 01:00:53,782 You really wanna know? 879 01:00:55,118 --> 01:00:58,053 Yeah, gimme the gory details. 880 01:00:58,888 --> 01:01:00,188 Okay, uh... 881 01:01:00,190 --> 01:01:02,057 Now let's see. Um... 882 01:01:03,092 --> 01:01:04,793 Why don't I, uh... 883 01:01:06,863 --> 01:01:10,832 Why don't I start with the pressure from the ball of my foot 884 01:01:10,834 --> 01:01:14,836 as I grind my shoe down in your Adam's apple? 885 01:01:16,005 --> 01:01:17,673 Or the look in your eyes 886 01:01:17,675 --> 01:01:22,277 as I slowly plunge my thumbs into your sockets? 887 01:01:22,279 --> 01:01:25,981 Or maybe it'll be the snap, crackle, pop of your skull 888 01:01:25,983 --> 01:01:28,150 as I crack it open like a cantaloupe 889 01:01:28,152 --> 01:01:32,020 and I squeeze the life out of your temporal lobe, 890 01:01:32,022 --> 01:01:35,290 inch by inch by inch. 891 01:01:38,995 --> 01:01:40,896 You're fucking weird. You know that? 892 01:01:45,935 --> 01:01:47,769 We'll talk about this later. 893 01:01:57,081 --> 01:02:00,182 You know, you ought to seek some professional help, you know that? 894 01:02:20,236 --> 01:02:21,903 Go ahead, son. 895 01:02:23,139 --> 01:02:24,473 Go ahead with what? 896 01:02:24,475 --> 01:02:26,241 With your confession. 897 01:02:28,344 --> 01:02:33,982 Sorry, padre, i just came in here for some peace and quiet. 898 01:02:33,984 --> 01:02:37,285 Besides, I got nothing to confess. 899 01:02:37,287 --> 01:02:41,389 "Without confession, vengeance is mine to repay," 900 01:02:41,391 --> 01:02:43,258 says the lord. 901 01:02:43,260 --> 01:02:45,260 The hell is that supposed to mean? 902 01:02:45,262 --> 01:02:48,964 It means you're not gonna win here, asshole. 903 01:02:51,801 --> 01:02:56,004 Well, I'd love to chew the fat with you, father, but I beg to differ. 904 01:02:56,839 --> 01:02:59,141 Now, if you'll excuse me. 905 01:03:10,187 --> 01:03:14,022 - Yes, yes, Charlie, that's nothing to sing about. 906 01:03:14,024 --> 01:03:15,891 You ought to be ashamed of yourself. 907 01:03:15,893 --> 01:03:18,527 A boy your age, with a jail record. 908 01:03:18,529 --> 01:03:21,863 Just call me number 77682. 909 01:03:21,865 --> 01:03:25,066 Let's hope this incident doesn't get into the newspapers. 910 01:03:25,068 --> 01:03:26,802 I don't get it. 911 01:03:26,804 --> 01:03:28,436 You said this guy is a ventriloquist? 912 01:03:28,438 --> 01:03:30,205 Oh, oh, he was. He's dead now. 913 01:03:30,207 --> 01:03:30,205 But don't you think that's a little weird? 914 01:03:30,207 --> 01:03:34,876 I mean, a ventriloquist on the radio? You can't even tell if his lips are moving. 915 01:03:34,878 --> 01:03:36,845 That's the beauty of it. It doesn't matter. 916 01:03:36,847 --> 01:03:39,948 Now, that's when there was a real art to comedy. 917 01:03:40,416 --> 01:03:41,950 I guess. 918 01:03:48,124 --> 01:03:51,026 I wanna thank you for what you did back there, Lenny. 919 01:03:51,028 --> 01:03:54,563 Oh, sure, no... It was no big deal. 920 01:03:54,565 --> 01:03:57,265 You know, he wasn't always like that, you know. 921 01:03:57,267 --> 01:03:58,567 Hmm. 922 01:03:58,569 --> 01:04:03,104 You kind of remind me of him. 923 01:04:03,106 --> 01:04:06,942 Yeah, he was gonna tear up the town and hit straight for the strip. 924 01:04:06,944 --> 01:04:08,844 Now I think he's... 925 01:04:08,846 --> 01:04:10,378 Just afraid to leave. 926 01:04:10,380 --> 01:04:11,980 Yeah, well, i know that feeling. 927 01:04:11,982 --> 01:04:14,082 You know we had gotten it all figured out. 928 01:04:14,084 --> 01:04:18,920 He was gonna work at the clubs and I was gonna deal Blackjack. 929 01:04:18,922 --> 01:04:21,022 Perfect little Vegas couple. 930 01:04:22,458 --> 01:04:24,926 Now when I see those lights, it's... 931 01:04:24,928 --> 01:04:27,262 It's like a cruel joke. It's like, just... 932 01:04:27,264 --> 01:04:30,165 Keeping a dog's food out of reach of its chain. 933 01:04:32,468 --> 01:04:34,603 You know how to deal Blackjack? 934 01:04:34,605 --> 01:04:34,603 Mm-hmm. 935 01:04:34,605 --> 01:04:39,207 Yeah. No, I mean, it's just like waitressing. You just have to remember things. 936 01:04:39,209 --> 01:04:43,178 You know, do you want fries with that, do you wanna split your eggs. 937 01:04:44,213 --> 01:04:45,614 Mmm. 938 01:04:45,616 --> 01:04:46,948 You wanna play a hand? 939 01:04:46,950 --> 01:04:46,948 I don't have any cards. 940 01:04:46,950 --> 01:04:49,618 That's okay. We can play with our hands. 941 01:04:49,620 --> 01:04:51,119 All right. Hit me. 942 01:04:51,121 --> 01:04:52,487 Wait, no, I have to deal first. 943 01:04:52,489 --> 01:04:54,356 -Right. -Here come your cards. 944 01:04:54,358 --> 01:04:56,124 It's a three and an eight. 945 01:04:56,126 --> 01:04:56,124 Dealer shows a four with one down. 946 01:04:56,126 --> 01:04:59,961 -Hit me. -No, not so fast, you gotta put your bet. 947 01:04:59,963 --> 01:05:02,964 Dealer shows a four, odds are I'm gonna bust, you got an 11. 948 01:05:02,966 --> 01:05:06,101 You should double down, odds are you'll draw a ten, and double your money. 949 01:05:06,103 --> 01:05:08,069 Okay. I am doubling down in my head. 950 01:05:08,071 --> 01:05:10,405 Here comes your card, and it's... 951 01:05:10,940 --> 01:05:12,941 Ah, three of clubs. 952 01:05:12,943 --> 01:05:12,941 But you said I was gonna draw a ten. 953 01:05:12,943 --> 01:05:15,977 No, those are just the odds. You got a three. 954 01:05:15,979 --> 01:05:17,913 -Oh, can I have another card? -No. You doubled down. 955 01:05:17,915 --> 01:05:20,482 Well, why don't you switch it to a ten in your hands so that I win? 956 01:05:20,484 --> 01:05:23,184 Do you wanna get me fired? There are cameras all over this place. 957 01:05:24,654 --> 01:05:27,622 No. You're just gonna have to live with a three. 958 01:05:27,624 --> 01:05:29,157 Okay. I guess. 959 01:05:29,159 --> 01:05:29,157 My turn. 960 01:05:29,159 --> 01:05:33,228 Dealer draws a four and a nine, 13. 961 01:05:33,230 --> 01:05:34,596 -Dealer draws again. -What is it? 962 01:05:34,598 --> 01:05:36,531 -A two. -Shoot, you win. 963 01:05:36,533 --> 01:05:37,933 Oh wait, no, not so fast. 964 01:05:37,935 --> 01:05:39,668 Dealer must draw on 16 and below. 965 01:05:39,670 --> 01:05:41,536 House rules. Says so right on the table. 966 01:05:41,538 --> 01:05:43,238 Didn't you read the table, Lenny? 967 01:05:44,006 --> 01:05:45,307 Dealer draws... 968 01:05:45,541 --> 01:05:48,510 An Ace, 16. 969 01:05:48,512 --> 01:05:50,378 Oh, come on, come on, come on. 970 01:05:50,380 --> 01:05:53,348 Final draw, and it's a... 971 01:05:53,549 --> 01:05:54,549 Six. 972 01:05:54,551 --> 01:05:55,583 Twenty-two. 973 01:05:55,585 --> 01:05:57,152 -Dealer busts. You win. -I won! 974 01:05:57,154 --> 01:05:58,954 - You win! - Oh, my god. 975 01:05:58,956 --> 01:06:00,255 I've never won anything. 976 01:06:00,257 --> 01:06:01,523 Oh, wow! 977 01:06:05,561 --> 01:06:07,295 You're funny, Lenny. 978 01:06:19,442 --> 01:06:22,043 We should go. Right now. 979 01:06:22,045 --> 01:06:22,043 But I thought you said you couldn't leave. 980 01:06:22,045 --> 01:06:26,581 Forget what I said. We could go now, be in Vegas by morning. 981 01:06:26,583 --> 01:06:27,749 You're teasing. 982 01:06:27,751 --> 01:06:27,749 No, no, I'm not. I'm serious. 983 01:06:27,751 --> 01:06:32,120 Let's do it. I mean, let's do it now or maybe it'll be like you said 984 01:06:32,122 --> 01:06:33,488 and we'll never get out of here. 985 01:06:33,490 --> 01:06:34,589 You know I have to think. 986 01:06:34,591 --> 01:06:34,589 Don't think. 987 01:06:34,591 --> 01:06:34,589 -Oh, no, we should stop. -Don't stop. 988 01:06:34,591 --> 01:06:39,461 -I bet your car will never make it. -I'll make it. 989 01:06:39,463 --> 01:06:42,097 -Is it a '52? -'53. 990 01:06:42,099 --> 01:06:43,198 Nice. 991 01:06:57,447 --> 01:06:59,414 what am I doing? I don't even know what I'm doing. 992 01:06:59,416 --> 01:07:01,216 It's okay. Neither do I. 993 01:07:03,619 --> 01:07:05,487 -Promise me, Lenny. -I promise. 994 01:07:05,489 --> 01:07:08,390 -You won't just up and leave? -No. Never. 995 01:07:10,793 --> 01:07:12,494 -Wait, wait, wait. -What? 996 01:07:12,496 --> 01:07:15,363 I'm gonna turn the heat on. Your right hand is freezing. 997 01:07:15,365 --> 01:07:16,464 Don't be silly. 998 01:07:30,146 --> 01:07:31,079 What? 999 01:07:31,081 --> 01:07:32,647 I have to leave! 1000 01:07:32,649 --> 01:07:34,516 Get out of my car! 1001 01:07:34,518 --> 01:07:38,319 Get out of my car! Get out of my car! Get out of my car! 1002 01:07:44,493 --> 01:07:46,795 You jerk face! 1003 01:07:46,797 --> 01:07:49,197 I thought you were a nice person. 1004 01:07:49,199 --> 01:07:51,132 I thought you were different. 1005 01:07:51,134 --> 01:07:55,770 But you're not! You're the opposite, in fact. You're un-nice. 1006 01:07:55,772 --> 01:07:57,672 That's what you are, Lenny. 1007 01:07:57,674 --> 01:08:00,208 You're an un-nice person. 1008 01:08:01,644 --> 01:08:04,245 And another thing, your car smells like a dead fish. 1009 01:08:07,851 --> 01:08:09,350 stop the car! 1010 01:08:15,091 --> 01:08:17,325 Touch me, and you're a dead man. 1011 01:08:49,825 --> 01:08:51,526 How was she, Lenny? 1012 01:08:54,663 --> 01:08:58,266 My slaughter at the club wasn't enough, now you gotta take my girl too? 1013 01:08:58,568 --> 01:09:03,705 Maybe you wanna drop by my house later and take a crap on a picture of my mom? 1014 01:09:03,707 --> 01:09:03,705 -It's not what you think. -Mmm? 1015 01:09:03,707 --> 01:09:08,877 I mean, if what you're thinking is what i think that you're thinking, 1016 01:09:08,879 --> 01:09:10,445 it's not. 1017 01:09:10,447 --> 01:09:12,881 Were you too rough with her, Lenny? 1018 01:09:12,883 --> 01:09:15,150 She doesn't like the rough stuff, does she? 1019 01:09:15,152 --> 01:09:17,552 No, to be honest, nothing happened. 1020 01:09:17,554 --> 01:09:18,620 Come on. 1021 01:09:19,655 --> 01:09:21,289 You can tell me. 1022 01:09:21,291 --> 01:09:25,293 Give me, as they say, "all the gory details". 1023 01:09:26,662 --> 01:09:29,364 The touch of her hair as you ran your fingers through it, 1024 01:09:29,366 --> 01:09:34,269 the... taste of her skin as you worked your way down her neck, 1025 01:09:35,638 --> 01:09:37,372 maybe the sweet smell of victory 1026 01:09:37,374 --> 01:09:40,675 as you rolled those panties off those soft, milky thighs. 1027 01:09:40,677 --> 01:09:42,944 We were just talking, I swear. 1028 01:09:42,946 --> 01:09:45,246 Is that what you threw in the trunk? 1029 01:09:45,248 --> 01:09:48,516 I bet you got a whole panty-museum in there. 1030 01:09:48,518 --> 01:09:49,584 What? 1031 01:09:49,586 --> 01:09:51,219 Open the trunk. 1032 01:09:51,221 --> 01:09:52,787 Please, t-bird, you don't wanna-- 1033 01:09:52,789 --> 01:09:55,490 Open the trunk! 1034 01:09:55,492 --> 01:09:57,792 Or I'll pull the 12-Gauge in that belly on you 1035 01:09:57,794 --> 01:09:59,727 faster than you can squeal like a pig. 1036 01:10:04,967 --> 01:10:07,402 See, you're gonna learn the hard way 1037 01:10:08,637 --> 01:10:10,572 nobody abuses my girl... 1038 01:10:12,508 --> 01:10:13,608 Except for me. 1039 01:11:14,937 --> 01:11:16,971 ...Boy in jail. 1040 01:11:16,973 --> 01:11:18,806 I said, your money or your life. 1041 01:11:18,808 --> 01:11:20,875 You're the funniest comedian in the world, George. 1042 01:11:47,002 --> 01:11:48,636 Going somewhere? 1043 01:11:55,978 --> 01:11:57,879 How did I get here? 1044 01:11:57,881 --> 01:11:59,981 We towed your drunk ass in. 1045 01:11:59,983 --> 01:12:02,583 Every cop in town is looking for you. 1046 01:12:02,585 --> 01:12:03,718 They are? 1047 01:12:04,386 --> 01:12:05,420 Why? 1048 01:12:05,422 --> 01:12:07,422 Maybe they want your autograph. 1049 01:12:10,025 --> 01:12:11,559 Oh... 1050 01:12:16,598 --> 01:12:18,533 Oh, mom. 1051 01:12:18,535 --> 01:12:23,037 I don't know whether you can hear me or not, but I am in big trouble. 1052 01:12:23,039 --> 01:12:27,742 It's kinda like the... Remember that chaplin movie that we used to watch? 1053 01:12:27,744 --> 01:12:32,480 Remember where every time he got into trouble, everyone thought it was funnier? 1054 01:12:33,382 --> 01:12:35,483 Chaplin was a pervert. 1055 01:12:38,087 --> 01:12:39,821 What was that, mother? 1056 01:12:39,823 --> 01:12:41,556 Chaplin was a pervert. 1057 01:12:41,558 --> 01:12:44,625 He stupped every 14-year-old chippy in Hollywood. 1058 01:12:44,627 --> 01:12:47,562 Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I was alone. 1059 01:12:47,564 --> 01:12:50,965 And he knocked up both of his wives who weren't even 16. 1060 01:12:50,967 --> 01:12:53,134 That's statutory, the last time I checked. 1061 01:12:53,136 --> 01:12:56,437 Not to mention, a crime against god. 1062 01:12:56,439 --> 01:12:57,839 I didn't know that. 1063 01:12:57,841 --> 01:12:59,440 Then read your damn Bible. 1064 01:12:59,442 --> 01:12:59,440 I'm talking about chaplin. 1065 01:12:59,442 --> 01:13:04,779 Well, get your facts straight before you go off talking to people in heaven, 1066 01:13:04,781 --> 01:13:07,782 'cause people in heaven, they know everything, 1067 01:13:07,784 --> 01:13:09,584 specially Jesus. 1068 01:13:09,586 --> 01:13:13,888 And he was also known for having an incredibly large penis. 1069 01:13:13,890 --> 01:13:14,956 Jesus? 1070 01:13:14,958 --> 01:13:16,691 Chaplin, you idiot! 1071 01:13:17,126 --> 01:13:19,994 Are you a real priest? 1072 01:13:19,996 --> 01:13:24,966 I used to be, but the fundamentalists, they kicked me out. 1073 01:13:24,968 --> 01:13:27,101 They wanted me to work solo. 1074 01:13:27,103 --> 01:13:29,570 So now I take my mission on the road. 1075 01:13:29,572 --> 01:13:33,074 Churches, nightclubs, and some days, the holy land. 1076 01:13:33,076 --> 01:13:34,542 Jerusalem? 1077 01:13:34,544 --> 01:13:34,542 Vegas. 1078 01:13:34,544 --> 01:13:38,946 One of us gets out, we all get out. That's the way I see it. 1079 01:13:38,948 --> 01:13:40,948 Just like easter Sunday. 1080 01:13:42,017 --> 01:13:45,486 Father, would you please hear my confession? 1081 01:13:45,488 --> 01:13:47,922 Sorry. Kitchen's closed. 1082 01:13:49,491 --> 01:13:51,959 Perhaps i can be of some assistance. 1083 01:13:51,961 --> 01:13:55,930 Oh, great. Now you've gone and woke up Mr. bleeding heart. 1084 01:13:56,665 --> 01:13:59,534 What seems to be troubling you? 1085 01:13:59,536 --> 01:14:02,036 -Uh... -Go ahead, Lenny. 1086 01:14:02,038 --> 01:14:03,805 I'm here to help. 1087 01:14:03,807 --> 01:14:03,805 Uh, well, uh... 1088 01:14:03,807 --> 01:14:10,745 You see, I do have this friend, and well, he's been doing some terrible things, 1089 01:14:10,747 --> 01:14:14,182 and part of him knows that he needs to stop, but then... 1090 01:14:14,184 --> 01:14:17,185 There's a part of him, well, that kinda just doesn't know anymore. 1091 01:14:17,187 --> 01:14:22,056 A wise man once said, "if your right eye causes you to sin, 1092 01:14:22,058 --> 01:14:23,791 pluck it out." 1093 01:14:23,793 --> 01:14:26,828 Do you understand what that means, Lenny? 1094 01:14:26,830 --> 01:14:28,129 I think so. 1095 01:14:28,131 --> 01:14:30,198 Good. Then go in peace. 1096 01:14:30,200 --> 01:14:33,935 And remember, the great one is always watching. 1097 01:14:33,937 --> 01:14:35,002 God? 1098 01:14:35,004 --> 01:14:36,471 Gleeson. 1099 01:14:39,943 --> 01:14:43,211 Mr. Freeman, they just told me you were in here. 1100 01:14:43,213 --> 01:14:44,846 Where are we going? 1101 01:14:44,848 --> 01:14:46,581 Interrogation room. 1102 01:14:46,583 --> 01:14:48,516 What's gonna happen to me, officer flick? 1103 01:14:48,518 --> 01:14:50,651 Depends on how it goes in there. 1104 01:14:50,653 --> 01:14:51,853 Good luck. 1105 01:15:17,646 --> 01:15:20,581 All right. What's happened? 1106 01:15:21,283 --> 01:15:22,917 Everything? 1107 01:15:24,119 --> 01:15:25,686 Yeah. 1108 01:15:26,822 --> 01:15:27,989 Everything. 1109 01:15:30,592 --> 01:15:32,593 You got two minutes. 1110 01:15:34,763 --> 01:15:36,030 Okay. 1111 01:15:36,965 --> 01:15:38,733 Here goes. 1112 01:15:40,235 --> 01:15:43,304 T all started when i got off the interstate 1113 01:15:43,306 --> 01:15:45,907 to get some gas on my way to las Vegas. 1114 01:15:47,609 --> 01:15:49,010 How's it going in there? 1115 01:15:50,212 --> 01:15:51,979 What am I, a lip-reader? 1116 01:15:56,818 --> 01:16:00,288 And then the next thing i knew, there was blood everywhere, and... 1117 01:16:00,290 --> 01:16:03,057 And I... I even had to... 1118 01:16:03,059 --> 01:16:05,560 Scoop up a piece of his brain. 1119 01:16:05,562 --> 01:16:07,595 I mean, I think it was his brain. 1120 01:16:07,597 --> 01:16:10,565 To be honest, I was never very good in science. 1121 01:16:21,043 --> 01:16:22,176 Funny. 1122 01:16:25,280 --> 01:16:27,682 Funny stuff. 1123 01:16:30,686 --> 01:16:32,153 You're good, Freeman. 1124 01:16:32,955 --> 01:16:34,722 You're very good. 1125 01:16:37,159 --> 01:16:39,727 The part about the severed hand... 1126 01:16:40,896 --> 01:16:42,930 Look at me, I'm busting a gut. 1127 01:16:44,967 --> 01:16:48,202 All right. I'm gonna want to see your full act tonight. 1128 01:16:48,204 --> 01:16:50,004 Your best material. 1129 01:16:50,305 --> 01:16:52,106 No stops. 1130 01:16:54,776 --> 01:16:58,946 You stick the landing, we'll put you on live tomorrow. 1131 01:16:58,948 --> 01:17:01,816 Uh... sorry, i don't understand. 1132 01:17:01,818 --> 01:17:03,351 Comedy. 1133 01:17:03,353 --> 01:17:06,020 It's currency, Freeman. 1134 01:17:06,022 --> 01:17:08,689 Monte said if you were as good as the steward tells him, 1135 01:17:08,691 --> 01:17:12,727 for me to get your ass to Vegas, pronto. 1136 01:17:12,729 --> 01:17:14,895 So you're not going to arrest me? 1137 01:17:14,897 --> 01:17:19,300 Kid, stop, please, before i start hemorrhaging with laughter all right? 1138 01:17:19,302 --> 01:17:21,636 You look for me after your set tonight. 1139 01:17:21,638 --> 01:17:23,671 I'll have a limo waiting. 1140 01:17:26,241 --> 01:17:28,209 This is your chance, kid. 1141 01:17:29,244 --> 01:17:30,878 Don't blow it. 1142 01:18:01,276 --> 01:18:03,277 If you're looking for your car, 1143 01:18:03,279 --> 01:18:05,179 your manager picked it up. 1144 01:18:06,114 --> 01:18:07,815 My manager? 1145 01:18:12,888 --> 01:18:15,122 Be careful out there. 1146 01:18:15,124 --> 01:18:16,957 They hit a record high today. 1147 01:18:40,015 --> 01:18:41,148 So... 1148 01:18:43,085 --> 01:18:44,752 He's gold. 1149 01:18:45,187 --> 01:18:46,320 What did I tell you? 1150 01:18:46,322 --> 01:18:48,723 So we're square, right? 1151 01:18:50,992 --> 01:18:52,460 Oh, yeah, right. 1152 01:18:52,462 --> 01:18:55,162 All right, there you go. 1153 01:18:55,164 --> 01:18:56,864 It's all there. 1154 01:18:59,434 --> 01:18:59,433 It feels a little light. 1155 01:18:59,435 --> 01:19:03,804 -Yeah, just a little, but you know, as soon as I get-- -we're done here. 1156 01:19:03,806 --> 01:19:06,474 Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm gonna get the rest to you, all right? I promise. 1157 01:19:06,476 --> 01:19:08,042 Tonight. 1158 01:19:08,044 --> 01:19:10,778 You're gonna get the rest tonight. 1159 01:19:11,880 --> 01:19:13,280 This joker nails it... 1160 01:19:14,282 --> 01:19:16,050 Everything's forgiven. 1161 01:19:17,352 --> 01:19:19,120 But if not... 1162 01:20:09,571 --> 01:20:11,105 Hello, hitch. 1163 01:20:13,975 --> 01:20:19,013 Well, well, well, the prodigal son has returned. 1164 01:20:19,015 --> 01:20:22,149 Fucking ac's busted. Can you believe it? 1165 01:20:22,151 --> 01:20:24,819 Hotter than a fat lady's armpit in there. 1166 01:20:25,587 --> 01:20:27,855 You took my car. 1167 01:20:27,857 --> 01:20:32,226 Well, I didn't think you wanted all that beef cooking in the pd parking lot. 1168 01:20:32,228 --> 01:20:34,995 You see, that's what managers do. You know, we manage things. 1169 01:20:34,997 --> 01:20:37,832 Things like auditions for the monte guy show. 1170 01:20:37,834 --> 01:20:37,832 You're welcome. 1171 01:20:37,834 --> 01:20:42,169 I'm sorry, hitch. I know that I've been acting selfish, and... 1172 01:20:42,171 --> 01:20:44,104 Well, you've been right all along. 1173 01:20:45,240 --> 01:20:45,239 A little late for that. 1174 01:20:45,241 --> 01:20:50,377 No, from now, we're gonna do it your way. Everything. Whatever you need. 1175 01:20:51,613 --> 01:20:54,982 All right. Now I need about ten more mini-marts. 1176 01:20:55,350 --> 01:20:57,017 I got a better idea. 1177 01:20:57,019 --> 01:21:00,521 You? You got a better idea? 1178 01:21:00,523 --> 01:21:03,157 It's a good one. Easy money. 1179 01:21:05,427 --> 01:21:08,195 Oh, yeah? How easy? 1180 01:21:23,645 --> 01:21:25,412 How much further? 1181 01:21:25,414 --> 01:21:25,412 Almost there. 1182 01:21:25,414 --> 01:21:30,484 It better not be another one of them hindu hamlets. We gotta start thinking bigger. 1183 01:21:30,486 --> 01:21:32,286 Can you not do that, please? 1184 01:21:41,930 --> 01:21:43,898 You know what, i read about this guy once, 1185 01:21:43,900 --> 01:21:47,968 stood outside one of them drive-through bank machines wearing a suit. 1186 01:21:47,970 --> 01:21:49,270 What kind of suit? 1187 01:21:50,205 --> 01:21:52,506 It doesn't matter. A suit-suit. 1188 01:21:52,508 --> 01:21:52,506 Said he worked for the bank, 1189 01:21:52,508 --> 01:21:58,646 and that the atm was out of order and he was there to run people's cards for 'em. 1190 01:21:58,648 --> 01:21:58,646 So... 1191 01:21:58,648 --> 01:22:04,218 So these morons, they'd hand over their card and their password, 1192 01:22:04,220 --> 01:22:07,421 suit guy would take it inside, take out 500 big ones, 1193 01:22:07,423 --> 01:22:12,960 and come back with the, you know, measly 40 or 50 clams that they asked for. 1194 01:22:12,962 --> 01:22:15,596 Simple as that. No one gets hurt. 1195 01:22:15,598 --> 01:22:17,064 Smart. 1196 01:22:17,066 --> 01:22:18,565 Yeah, fucking right, smart. 1197 01:22:18,567 --> 01:22:18,565 Not to mention that unlike us, 1198 01:22:18,567 --> 01:22:18,565 he didn't have to have his pants taken in at the end of the day 1199 01:22:18,567 --> 01:22:25,372 'cause he literally sweated his ass off! I'm dying here, man! 1200 01:22:25,374 --> 01:22:27,141 Where the fuck are we? 1201 01:22:28,944 --> 01:22:30,377 We're here. 1202 01:22:30,379 --> 01:22:31,545 Here? Here, where? 1203 01:22:31,547 --> 01:22:34,081 There ain't nothing here, Lenny. Come on. 1204 01:22:34,649 --> 01:22:36,083 Our contract. 1205 01:22:45,427 --> 01:22:47,561 You're a dead man, Lenny! 1206 01:22:48,997 --> 01:22:52,266 Come back here so i can fucking kill you! 1207 01:22:58,707 --> 01:23:00,474 Fuck! 1208 01:23:12,754 --> 01:23:16,690 "Dear grail, I'm sorry about last night. 1209 01:23:16,692 --> 01:23:19,059 I haven't been myself lately. 1210 01:23:19,061 --> 01:23:22,196 But today, all that changed. 1211 01:23:22,198 --> 01:23:24,331 Today, I have been given another chance, 1212 01:23:24,333 --> 01:23:27,334 and I know exactly what I have to do. 1213 01:23:27,336 --> 01:23:29,003 It's like tq says, 1214 01:23:29,005 --> 01:23:31,338 'the heart knows what it wants.' 1215 01:23:31,340 --> 01:23:33,140 and right now, my heart's telling me 1216 01:23:33,142 --> 01:23:36,176 that it is not as important for me to be famous 1217 01:23:36,178 --> 01:23:40,481 as it is for you to give me a second chance... 1218 01:23:40,483 --> 01:23:44,752 Because tonight, I'm going back to being the old me. 1219 01:23:44,754 --> 01:23:48,655 Please forgive me, and meet me at the motel after the show. 1220 01:23:48,657 --> 01:23:51,291 I'll be waiting with a big surprise. 1221 01:23:51,593 --> 01:23:53,494 Lenny. 1222 01:23:53,496 --> 01:23:56,764 P.S. You were right. 1223 01:23:56,766 --> 01:23:59,266 I don't think my car's gonna make it." 1224 01:24:31,666 --> 01:24:33,100 Funny. 1225 01:25:00,863 --> 01:25:04,765 Two minutes go by, I'm still in the parking lot, high. 1226 01:25:04,767 --> 01:25:06,500 I still can't move. 1227 01:25:09,704 --> 01:25:09,703 Oh, there he is. 1228 01:25:09,705 --> 01:25:15,309 Hey, listen, t-bird didn't show up. You're gonna have to go up early. 1229 01:25:15,743 --> 01:25:15,742 You need some time to, uh, 1230 01:25:15,744 --> 01:25:20,314 mess yourself up, throw some blood in your shirt or something? 1231 01:25:20,316 --> 01:25:23,584 No, I'm gonna try some new material tonight. 1232 01:25:23,586 --> 01:25:24,785 What, are you nuts? 1233 01:25:24,787 --> 01:25:26,887 Monte's right-hand man is out there. 1234 01:25:26,889 --> 01:25:29,323 I know a thing or two about right hands. 1235 01:25:29,325 --> 01:25:32,359 Look, this is no time to screw with the formula. 1236 01:25:32,361 --> 01:25:36,463 Nobody wants to see the Jerry who runs around talking to crippled kids. 1237 01:25:36,465 --> 01:25:40,734 They all want to see the Jerry who runs around going "buddy!" 1238 01:25:40,736 --> 01:25:42,703 You take my word for it. 1239 01:25:44,373 --> 01:25:45,506 You're up. 1240 01:25:45,508 --> 01:25:47,508 You remember what I'm telling you. 1241 01:25:47,510 --> 01:25:48,709 "Buddy!" 1242 01:25:48,711 --> 01:25:50,310 You think about it. 1243 01:26:00,855 --> 01:26:04,858 Okay, ladies and gentlemen, he's back tonight for one last appearance. 1244 01:26:04,860 --> 01:26:09,463 Please welcome back to the stage, the king of carnage himself, 1245 01:26:09,465 --> 01:26:13,500 Lenny Freeman! 1246 01:26:20,375 --> 01:26:22,309 This is your chance, kid. 1247 01:26:22,311 --> 01:26:24,611 Now you've finally got a little inspiration, man. 1248 01:26:24,613 --> 01:26:26,780 I have dreamed about this my whole life. 1249 01:26:26,782 --> 01:26:26,780 You famous? 1250 01:26:26,782 --> 01:26:30,484 If your right eye causes you to sin... 1251 01:26:30,486 --> 01:26:32,653 It's in that trunk any time you need it. 1252 01:26:32,655 --> 01:26:32,653 Pluck it out. 1253 01:26:32,655 --> 01:26:32,653 I was just starting to like your friend. 1254 01:26:32,655 --> 01:26:37,424 One of us gets out, we all get out. 1255 01:26:37,426 --> 01:26:39,426 Back to being the old me. 1256 01:26:39,428 --> 01:26:40,894 This is your chance, kid. 1257 01:26:40,896 --> 01:26:42,596 Or ten, partner. 1258 01:26:42,598 --> 01:26:44,598 Don't blow it. 1259 01:26:45,901 --> 01:26:48,502 Thank you thank you very much. 1260 01:26:48,504 --> 01:26:51,772 Wow. Wow, let me take a look at this crowd. 1261 01:26:51,774 --> 01:26:53,774 Holy cow, look at these faces. 1262 01:26:53,776 --> 01:26:57,511 Well, I haven't seen happier faces at easter island. 1263 01:26:59,782 --> 01:27:02,349 Uh, hey, how about lamb bone, huh? 1264 01:27:02,351 --> 01:27:04,318 What a great place. You know, it's the kind of place 1265 01:27:04,320 --> 01:27:06,453 you really feel like you could settle down. 1266 01:27:06,455 --> 01:27:09,690 You know, my father, when he did did settle, 1267 01:27:09,692 --> 01:27:11,658 he paid off his bar tab. 1268 01:27:13,562 --> 01:27:14,628 Uh... 1269 01:27:15,630 --> 01:27:17,264 The, um... 1270 01:27:18,933 --> 01:27:22,803 There's a lot of people that will tell you that marriage... 1271 01:27:22,805 --> 01:27:25,005 Marriage is the highway to heaven. 1272 01:27:25,007 --> 01:27:28,375 Well, I guess I am on the detour. 1273 01:27:51,599 --> 01:27:52,699 Uh... 1274 01:27:56,337 --> 01:27:57,671 I'll be right back. 1275 01:28:00,742 --> 01:28:01,708 Lenny! 1276 01:28:01,710 --> 01:28:02,676 Hey! 1277 01:28:40,048 --> 01:28:42,316 What do you want me to do with this? 1278 01:28:42,318 --> 01:28:42,316 What's that, doll? 1279 01:28:42,318 --> 01:28:45,385 It's that joker's personal shit he'd forgotten. 1280 01:28:45,387 --> 01:28:47,354 Oh. Just leave it on my desk. 1281 01:28:47,655 --> 01:28:49,489 You are my hero. 1282 01:29:09,677 --> 01:29:10,811 Hitch? 1283 01:29:20,054 --> 01:29:21,688 Hitch? 1284 01:29:21,690 --> 01:29:22,923 Hello, Lenny. 1285 01:29:30,431 --> 01:29:32,466 We've been waiting for you. 1286 01:29:34,068 --> 01:29:36,737 How did you get back so quick? 1287 01:29:36,739 --> 01:29:39,506 Mmm. You forget, Lenny. 1288 01:29:39,874 --> 01:29:41,975 Always another way. 1289 01:29:43,478 --> 01:29:45,412 I had to do a bit of walking in the heat 1290 01:29:45,414 --> 01:29:47,848 before a sweet young thing agreed to pick me up, 1291 01:29:47,850 --> 01:29:49,116 ain't that right, darling? 1292 01:29:53,521 --> 01:29:57,657 Unfortunately, she came down with a terrible case of whiplash. 1293 01:29:58,025 --> 01:29:59,526 I can explain. 1294 01:29:59,528 --> 01:30:01,428 Let's explain, Lenny. 1295 01:30:01,430 --> 01:30:04,030 You left me for dead in a 150-degree heat 1296 01:30:04,032 --> 01:30:06,533 with no water, bend us away. 1297 01:30:07,735 --> 01:30:09,603 Very sporting of you. 1298 01:30:09,605 --> 01:30:12,472 I just wanted to go back to the way it was. 1299 01:30:12,474 --> 01:30:16,510 Well, too fucking late. 1300 01:30:16,512 --> 01:30:20,714 You can't go back. You can never go back. 1301 01:30:21,516 --> 01:30:23,683 We have a contract. 1302 01:30:23,951 --> 01:30:23,950 Yeah. 1303 01:30:23,952 --> 01:30:27,020 Well, I'm breaking that contract, okay? 1304 01:30:27,022 --> 01:30:29,556 You hear me? I just... 1305 01:30:29,558 --> 01:30:31,958 I don't wanna be famous anymore. 1306 01:30:32,894 --> 01:30:34,895 Is that so? 1307 01:30:34,897 --> 01:30:37,464 Then why'd you go peeking in the trunk? 1308 01:30:38,633 --> 01:30:38,632 What? 1309 01:30:38,634 --> 01:30:41,501 Why'd you stick your fat nose in the trunk? 1310 01:30:41,503 --> 01:30:44,571 You just wanted to make sure everyone was comfortable? 1311 01:30:44,573 --> 01:30:46,840 Or were you looking for a little... 1312 01:30:47,775 --> 01:30:49,443 Inspiration? 1313 01:30:49,777 --> 01:30:51,111 No. 1314 01:30:51,113 --> 01:30:53,513 No, I... you... 1315 01:30:53,515 --> 01:30:55,715 Just stop it. You're trying to confuse me. 1316 01:30:55,717 --> 01:30:55,715 Oh, that's it. 1317 01:30:55,717 --> 01:31:00,020 That's it, hitch. If you want me to stop, you're gonna have to kill me, 1318 01:31:00,022 --> 01:31:02,823 because I just don't care anymore. 1319 01:31:02,825 --> 01:31:06,760 Okay, okay, okay, you know what, Lenny? You win. 1320 01:31:06,762 --> 01:31:09,863 Guess I know when I've been beat. 1321 01:31:15,236 --> 01:31:18,872 But, before you go... 1322 01:31:20,775 --> 01:31:23,477 There's a little something i wanna show you. 1323 01:31:27,548 --> 01:31:29,216 Came by earlier, looking for you. 1324 01:31:29,218 --> 01:31:31,017 I told her, make herself comfortable. 1325 01:31:31,019 --> 01:31:34,087 Now I suggest that you do the same. 1326 01:31:34,089 --> 01:31:34,087 No, no, no. 1327 01:31:34,089 --> 01:31:37,090 No, no. This has nothing to do with her. 1328 01:31:37,092 --> 01:31:38,792 Oh, but you're wrong, Lenny. 1329 01:31:38,794 --> 01:31:41,495 This has everything to do with her. 1330 01:31:47,702 --> 01:31:48,869 Sit. 1331 01:32:15,263 --> 01:32:18,131 Ever hear of a guy named fatty arbuckle? 1332 01:32:19,700 --> 01:32:19,699 No? 1333 01:32:19,701 --> 01:32:23,136 I thought you was a comedy expert. 1334 01:32:23,138 --> 01:32:27,541 Well, fatty was a big time joker much like yourself, 1335 01:32:27,543 --> 01:32:29,276 except he worked in the silent pictures, 1336 01:32:29,278 --> 01:32:32,312 had a big studio deal in the early 1900s. 1337 01:32:32,314 --> 01:32:34,648 Women loved him, kids loved him. 1338 01:32:34,650 --> 01:32:38,051 He had everything fame had to offer. 1339 01:32:38,853 --> 01:32:38,852 Until one day, 1340 01:32:38,854 --> 01:32:45,292 during a three-day moonshine free-for-all at a day city hotel up in San Francisco, 1341 01:32:45,294 --> 01:32:52,232 he takes this pretty young flapping thing behind closed doors and, how do you say... 1342 01:32:52,234 --> 01:32:56,169 Does her with a champagne bottle. 1343 01:32:56,171 --> 01:32:58,838 At least that's what the coroner report said it was. 1344 01:32:58,840 --> 01:33:01,241 Of course, no one knows for sure 'cause the poor girl bled to death 1345 01:33:01,243 --> 01:33:05,178 and everyone else was too drunk to see straight, let alone hear the screaming... 1346 01:33:07,583 --> 01:33:11,585 Over and over. 1347 01:33:12,053 --> 01:33:13,987 Screaming for help. 1348 01:33:15,089 --> 01:33:16,289 So what happens, you ask? 1349 01:33:16,291 --> 01:33:20,860 Well, the courts, in their infinite wisdom, 1350 01:33:20,862 --> 01:33:23,797 chose to clear fatty of all charges. 1351 01:33:23,799 --> 01:33:27,000 Sent him home, an innocent man. 1352 01:33:28,169 --> 01:33:29,703 But the people... 1353 01:33:30,304 --> 01:33:32,305 Well, the people knew. 1354 01:33:32,307 --> 01:33:32,305 They all knew. 1355 01:33:32,307 --> 01:33:37,277 And as much as fatty tried to get back into their good graces, 1356 01:33:37,279 --> 01:33:39,679 there just was no going back. 1357 01:33:40,348 --> 01:33:43,350 His career was dead, 1358 01:33:43,352 --> 01:33:46,786 his life, essentially over. 1359 01:33:47,955 --> 01:33:54,160 All because of one teensy-weensy fatal little decision. 1360 01:33:56,063 --> 01:33:57,897 So you see, Lenny... 1361 01:33:58,833 --> 01:34:02,068 We can regret our choices all we want, 1362 01:34:03,337 --> 01:34:06,906 but someone's still gotta pay the consequences. 1363 01:34:08,242 --> 01:34:10,043 Champagne, anyone? 1364 01:34:10,045 --> 01:34:12,979 Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh... 1365 01:34:12,981 --> 01:34:16,082 Riding cowboy, right, Lenny? 1366 01:34:16,084 --> 01:34:17,851 Please. Please. I'll do whatever you say. 1367 01:34:17,853 --> 01:34:20,253 Oh, you're gonna do whatever I say, 'cause from now on, 1368 01:34:20,255 --> 01:34:24,691 you'll understand exactly what I mean by consequences. 1369 01:34:24,693 --> 01:34:26,893 -Hitch. -Nothing personal, cream cheese. 1370 01:34:26,895 --> 01:34:29,329 -Please. -Here's to commitment. 1371 01:35:04,699 --> 01:35:07,000 I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. 1372 01:35:07,002 --> 01:35:09,335 I'm so sorry. Oh, god, I'm so sorry. 1373 01:35:09,337 --> 01:35:11,938 I'm so sorry. Oh, god, I'm so sorry. 1374 01:35:11,940 --> 01:35:13,039 Oh, god. 1375 01:35:13,041 --> 01:35:14,307 Help! 1376 01:35:14,309 --> 01:35:15,442 Shh. No, no, no. 1377 01:35:15,444 --> 01:35:16,810 Please, help! 1378 01:35:16,812 --> 01:35:16,810 -Let me explain. -Help! 1379 01:35:16,812 --> 01:35:19,379 -Help! -I could explain. No, no, no. 1380 01:35:19,381 --> 01:35:21,181 I can-- ow! No, no, no. 1381 01:35:21,183 --> 01:35:22,449 Help! Help! 1382 01:35:22,451 --> 01:35:24,451 -Grail, don't. -Someone! 1383 01:35:24,453 --> 01:35:26,086 -Help! -No, no. 1384 01:35:26,088 --> 01:35:27,053 Help! 1385 01:35:27,055 --> 01:35:27,053 No, grail, no, no, no. 1386 01:35:27,055 --> 01:35:29,989 - I don't think you're listening. 1387 01:35:29,991 --> 01:35:31,791 We could be together now, okay? 1388 01:35:31,793 --> 01:35:31,791 Listen to me. No, listen. 1389 01:35:31,793 --> 01:35:35,228 Listen, we could go away like we talked about, okay? 1390 01:35:35,230 --> 01:35:39,065 And... and you could deal Blackjack, and um, well, i could be in monte guy. 1391 01:35:39,067 --> 01:35:42,368 We're gonna be so happy, grail, because... 1392 01:35:42,370 --> 01:35:44,804 Because I love you so much. 1393 01:35:47,308 --> 01:35:49,743 You're supposed to love me too. 1394 01:35:58,953 --> 01:36:01,121 I do love you, Lenny. 1395 01:36:06,427 --> 01:36:07,994 You do? 1396 01:36:25,079 --> 01:36:26,946 I brought someone to see you, Lenny. 1397 01:36:29,383 --> 01:36:31,117 Funny stuff, kid. 1398 01:36:31,119 --> 01:36:34,087 You're gonna wanna stick with the sick stuff for monte though, 1399 01:36:34,089 --> 01:36:37,557 'cause that performance art shit goes right over his head. 1400 01:36:37,559 --> 01:36:40,160 So I'm still going to Vegas? 1401 01:36:40,162 --> 01:36:42,328 As soon as you get your ass in the car. 1402 01:37:23,438 --> 01:37:28,541 And now, please give a warm las Vegas welcome 1403 01:37:28,543 --> 01:37:31,578 to Mr. Lenny Freeman. 1404 01:37:37,084 --> 01:37:38,618 Oh, thank you. 1405 01:37:40,188 --> 01:37:42,055 We serve that with a heart attack. 1406 01:37:42,057 --> 01:37:44,424 Would you like it for here, or to go? 1407 01:37:46,494 --> 01:37:49,429 Lenny Freeman, ladies and gentlemen. 1408 01:37:49,431 --> 01:37:52,198 Hey, what's this I hear, that you just got married today? 1409 01:37:52,200 --> 01:37:52,999 Yes, I did. 1410 01:37:53,001 --> 01:37:54,334 Let's bring her out. 1411 01:37:55,337 --> 01:37:56,402 Oh! 1412 01:37:58,606 --> 01:38:00,874 My father's idea of settling 1413 01:38:00,876 --> 01:38:02,508 was paying off his bar tab. 1414 01:38:05,980 --> 01:38:08,615 Before we go, I have another surprise for you. 1415 01:38:08,617 --> 01:38:10,550 All the way from lamb bone, 1416 01:38:10,552 --> 01:38:14,053 let's hear it for officer ray flick. 1417 01:38:24,498 --> 01:38:26,132 You gotta admit, 1418 01:38:26,533 --> 01:38:27,967 that's funny. 1419 01:38:36,911 --> 01:38:38,478 Welcome home, partner.