1 00:00:23,941 --> 00:00:27,361 I'm thinking we'll go do the show, and then we'll go get... 2 00:00:27,444 --> 00:00:29,088 If you want to do a slice, we'll get a slice. 3 00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:32,157 - I'll do a slice if I can get a fountain... - Let's go in here. 4 00:00:32,241 --> 00:00:35,285 Do they have fountain soda? 'Cause I don't like cans. 5 00:00:35,786 --> 00:00:37,496 Yeah, this is it. 6 00:00:37,579 --> 00:00:39,039 - I love it, yeah. - Yeah, right. 7 00:00:39,957 --> 00:00:43,460 But my point is, if I got an indoor ball... a woman's ball... 8 00:00:43,919 --> 00:00:46,213 and I was at the top of the key, I'd sink more threes. 9 00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:49,716 Yeah, but we're not allowed at that Y anymore. 10 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:51,677 No, but I'm saying if... 11 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:55,973 Look, you don't have... You can go in disguises to any place you want, 12 00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:58,350 if you know what you're doing on the hard court. 13 00:00:58,850 --> 00:01:01,019 - I'm nervous about tonight. - Why? 14 00:01:01,103 --> 00:01:03,438 'Cause we're filming it for the TV thing. 15 00:01:03,522 --> 00:01:05,566 I don't care. I'm gonna get high before... 16 00:01:06,692 --> 00:01:09,778 ♪ Tonight when I chase the Dragon ♪ 17 00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:15,158 - It's show time! - It's show time! 18 00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:20,831 [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Lyceum Theater. 19 00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:22,624 Unfortunately at this performance, 20 00:01:22,708 --> 00:01:25,419 the roles of Gil Faizon and George St. Geegland 21 00:01:25,502 --> 00:01:29,047 will be played by Gil Faizon and George St. Geegland. 22 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:31,466 Let's do Broadway. 23 00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:34,261 I'll see you after the show. 24 00:01:35,012 --> 00:01:36,513 So fucking dumb. 25 00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:44,813 And now, please welcome, Gil Faizon and George St. Geegland. 26 00:01:46,189 --> 00:01:49,151 [applause] 27 00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:01,413 Oh, hey! I know you. 28 00:02:02,873 --> 00:02:06,335 [both] Oh, hello. 29 00:02:06,710 --> 00:02:10,339 - Charmed I'm sure, I'm Gil Faizon - And I am George St. Geegland. 30 00:02:10,422 --> 00:02:12,466 And we are two legendary bachelors 31 00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:14,718 who live on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. 32 00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:18,221 Which is the coffee breath of neighborhoods. 33 00:02:18,555 --> 00:02:21,892 We want to give a shout-out to the mezzanine and the balcony! 34 00:02:22,017 --> 00:02:23,685 [applause] 35 00:02:26,813 --> 00:02:30,984 You guys are the reason we do this show! 36 00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:35,197 But we will be making eye contact solely with the orchestra. 37 00:02:35,947 --> 00:02:38,992 We are gonna have so much fun tonight 38 00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:42,871 because theater is the hot, new thing right now. 39 00:02:42,954 --> 00:02:47,000 There's Hamilton and no other examples. 40 00:02:48,043 --> 00:02:49,836 Now, speaking of theater being hot, 41 00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:52,547 you'll notice that we are filming the show tonight. 42 00:02:52,631 --> 00:02:55,509 Yes. You see cameras all over the place. 43 00:02:56,301 --> 00:03:01,723 We're filming this as a special for Investigation Discovery. 44 00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:04,309 No, it's for Netflix. 45 00:03:04,393 --> 00:03:05,560 It's a binge-watch. 46 00:03:05,644 --> 00:03:09,189 It's a binge-watch. You watch an episode of a show, then you wait a week, 47 00:03:09,272 --> 00:03:11,983 and then you binge-watch another episode. 48 00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:14,236 Also, if you see a camera, 49 00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:18,198 you know, look right down the barrel of the lens, all right? 50 00:03:18,281 --> 00:03:22,786 And you know, we're trying to convey that we have a diverse audience, 51 00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:26,039 so if you're white, tonight, if you could just not be. 52 00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:27,207 Yeah! 53 00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:28,291 [audience laugh] 54 00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:30,502 All right, that covers the business. 55 00:03:30,585 --> 00:03:33,922 We want to also give a shout-out to our dear intern Ravi in the booth. 56 00:03:34,005 --> 00:03:36,550 Shout-out to Ravi! 57 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:39,469 OK. This is Ravi. 58 00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:43,056 Ravi is a junior at the NYU Tisch School for the Arts. 59 00:03:43,140 --> 00:03:45,350 Yes, he's studying to be a playwright, 60 00:03:45,434 --> 00:03:49,271 so he's doing tech for us, unpaid, for nine months. 61 00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:53,066 Yeah. He's Ravi Nandan, OK? 62 00:03:53,150 --> 00:03:56,111 He's one of these new Indian types. 63 00:03:56,194 --> 00:03:58,488 He's a real "Aziz, I'm sorry." 64 00:03:58,572 --> 00:03:59,823 [audience laugh] 65 00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:04,369 But we like to joke that Ravi is the master of fun. 66 00:04:08,957 --> 00:04:11,334 One of our famous turns. 67 00:04:12,335 --> 00:04:13,712 Back to us. 68 00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:15,505 Some of our accolades: 69 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:20,677 We are the recipients of a 1997 restraining order. 70 00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:26,016 Keeping us 100 feet at all times from America's greatest actor, 71 00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:27,768 Mr. Alan Alda. 72 00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:33,106 Alan Alda, double A, beep, beep! "Get off my property!" 73 00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:35,817 But who are we really? You know? 74 00:04:35,901 --> 00:04:38,737 What is our essence? How to describe? 75 00:04:38,820 --> 00:04:42,199 You know when you get to the bottom of a tub of hummus. 76 00:04:43,074 --> 00:04:45,243 And you can't fit your carrot in there, 77 00:04:45,327 --> 00:04:47,704 so you gotta use your fingies to scoop it out? 78 00:04:48,997 --> 00:04:51,166 Bam! That's us, baby! 79 00:04:51,249 --> 00:04:52,918 [applause] 80 00:04:53,835 --> 00:04:57,339 How can I describe the kind of vibe we give off? 81 00:04:57,422 --> 00:05:00,383 You know when you walk by a travel agency 82 00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:02,135 and you're like, "What?" 83 00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:05,722 - There you go. - Yeah. 84 00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:10,060 We are the Yerba Mate tea bags, 85 00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:13,188 steaming the counter top of American pop culture. 86 00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:15,816 But who are we as individuals? 87 00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:17,901 Do you mind if I get into my big story? 88 00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:19,653 See the stage, use it. 89 00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:21,780 And I accept the stage from you, sir. 90 00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:25,200 Of course, you all know me, I'm George St. Geegland. 91 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:26,368 - [crowd hooting] - Hush. 92 00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:30,372 I'm the type of man you would catch at a party 93 00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:32,249 going through the coats. 94 00:05:33,708 --> 00:05:35,877 I am neither Jewish, nor a woman, 95 00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:38,713 but like many men over the age of 70, 96 00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:42,384 I have reached that point in life where I am somehow both. 97 00:05:43,718 --> 00:05:45,804 I was born in Providence, Rhode Island, 98 00:05:45,887 --> 00:05:50,267 and I am responsible for reintroducing the Polio virus to my school district. 99 00:05:51,226 --> 00:05:55,146 As a novelist, I was once compared to Philip Roth. 100 00:05:55,230 --> 00:05:58,024 I was also once compared to a police sketch 101 00:05:58,108 --> 00:06:00,360 of this Central Park flasher. 102 00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:05,323 And guess what, ladies and gentlemen, I've been married three times. 103 00:06:05,407 --> 00:06:07,200 Unlucky in love, we like to joke. 104 00:06:07,284 --> 00:06:09,828 Wonderful! Wonderful! Wonderful! 105 00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:16,209 All three of my wives died in the same way on the same staircase. 106 00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:23,883 Each death learning from and improving upon the death before it. 107 00:06:24,926 --> 00:06:27,596 And a fun fact for this evening's performance, 108 00:06:27,679 --> 00:06:30,515 I am on competing medications. 109 00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:35,312 [applause] 110 00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:41,860 Well, charmed I'm sure, I'm Gil Faizon. 111 00:06:41,943 --> 00:06:46,323 I am a Tony Award viewing actor. 112 00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:49,117 And whether I live in your building or not, 113 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:52,245 I am somehow on your co-op board. 114 00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:57,500 I look like if Steven Spielberg hadn't made any money. 115 00:06:57,584 --> 00:06:59,127 [audience laugh] 116 00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:03,089 Over the years, I've had a real back and forth 117 00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:07,135 a tête-à-têtes of sorts with fellow actor, Richard Dreyfuss. 118 00:07:07,218 --> 00:07:09,846 He of course got the lead in Jaws, 119 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:13,308 and I have lockjaw from all the cocaine I've done. 120 00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:18,271 I'm also an unlicensed doula. 121 00:07:21,316 --> 00:07:24,611 But I've made the most of my living as a voice-over artist. 122 00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:28,531 I was very nearly the official voice of CBS. 123 00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:31,534 Yes he was... I'm sorry, I did not mean to interrupt you, 124 00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:34,496 but you did such a beautiful audition for CBS. 125 00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:36,915 Would you do for them tonight your CBS audition? 126 00:07:36,998 --> 00:07:39,167 I don't know if the audience wants to hear it. 127 00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:40,919 [applause] 128 00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:45,340 I was gonna do it regardless, you know. 129 00:07:46,049 --> 00:07:48,677 This was my audition for CBS. 130 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,637 [clears throat] 131 00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:57,143 Charmed, I'm sure, this is Gil Faizon represented by Don Buchwald & Associates. 132 00:07:57,811 --> 00:08:00,605 Reading for the role of CBS. 133 00:08:01,272 --> 00:08:05,568 This is CBS, baby! 134 00:08:06,027 --> 00:08:07,445 Fun and flirty, 135 00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:10,949 but am I nuts, did you do like a second alternate take? 136 00:08:11,032 --> 00:08:12,575 - Yeah. - Right, you did. 137 00:08:12,659 --> 00:08:16,079 As an actor, you got to give options, OK? 138 00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:20,041 This is one of the main things that I teach in my acting seminar, 139 00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:23,586 which is called, "Improvisation for Non-Listeners." 140 00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:28,508 It's a five-hour seminar, and you get a chicken lunch. 141 00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:30,135 It's a buffalo chicken wrap. 142 00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:33,513 - It's so cold... - It's 90 percent romaine lettuce. 143 00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:37,017 It's a cold wrap, a warm Sierra Mist, 144 00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:41,104 - it's on a Saturday, it's 900 dollars. - Yeah... 145 00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:44,649 It really is, it really is, OK. 146 00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:48,611 This is take two, Gil Faizon, charmed, I'm sure, 147 00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:52,032 formerly represented by Don Buchwald and Associates, 148 00:08:52,115 --> 00:08:53,616 reading for the role of CBS. 149 00:08:55,910 --> 00:08:57,370 CBS? 150 00:08:57,454 --> 00:08:58,788 [high pitched] All right! 151 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,081 Perfect! 152 00:09:00,290 --> 00:09:02,500 Perfect! And let me say something, 153 00:09:02,584 --> 00:09:07,255 I am like, Raven-Symoné level upset that you did not get that job. 154 00:09:07,338 --> 00:09:10,884 George, That is so Raven of you to say. 155 00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:13,303 It's not ravin', it's true. 156 00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:16,056 You, Gil Faizon, how many times have I told you? 157 00:09:16,139 --> 00:09:18,183 You are the strongest actor in New York? 158 00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:19,350 Ah, this guy... 159 00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:20,977 This guy is my rock. 160 00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:25,648 He was the one who broke the news to me that I wasn't gonna get the CBS job. 161 00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:28,127 - Who knows? Who knows? Who knows? - [high pitched] Yeah, yeah, yeah. 162 00:09:28,151 --> 00:09:29,194 And you know what? 163 00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:32,655 He wouldn't let me sulk for one single second, nay, nay, nay. 164 00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:35,075 He made me go right back on the horse. 165 00:09:35,158 --> 00:09:37,702 We started doing heroin that afternoon. 166 00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:42,832 And we'd shoot it between our toes to keep our arms clear for racquetball. 167 00:09:42,999 --> 00:09:44,000 Yeah. 168 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,627 And then what did he do? 169 00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:49,172 He gave me the greatest gift that a writer can give an actor. 170 00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:51,883 He wrote a play for me to star in. 171 00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:53,760 Which brings us to tonight. 172 00:09:53,843 --> 00:09:57,180 You see, over the years, I've written several plays for Gil and I to perform... 173 00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:59,849 - George, you remember the first? - The first play we ever did? 174 00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:01,392 - Yes. - Yes. I'll never forget it. 175 00:10:01,476 --> 00:10:04,270 The first play we ever did? I'll never forget. 176 00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:09,317 I was inspired by and directly stolen from... 177 00:10:10,318 --> 00:10:12,737 Sam Shepard's classic, True West. 178 00:10:13,154 --> 00:10:16,032 Yeah, but ours was called, True Upper West. 179 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:21,162 That was the big M. Night Shyamalan twist at the end. 180 00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:24,916 Is at the end, you'd widen out, which is hard to do in a play. 181 00:10:24,999 --> 00:10:27,669 But you'd widen out. 182 00:10:27,752 --> 00:10:31,464 And the whole time it had been the Upper West side, 183 00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:33,967 and there's like, a Judaica store, 184 00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:37,011 that's always closed. 185 00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:39,681 Who's that? 186 00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:41,641 Who's that? Who's that guy? 187 00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:43,560 That's a sewer pop-up guy. 188 00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:46,855 You know, a guy pops out of his sewer, "No, thanks," back down. 189 00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:52,652 Now, famously in the revival of True West, you'd see Reilly and... 190 00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:57,198 - I'm sorry. And "Phil Sey" Hoffman. - [groans] 191 00:10:57,574 --> 00:10:58,741 I'm sorry. 192 00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:04,205 It's hard, because we get choked up on cue at the same point, every show. 193 00:11:04,956 --> 00:11:09,085 We just really wanted to make Philip Seymour Hoffman's death about us. 194 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:10,170 You know? 195 00:11:10,628 --> 00:11:15,425 Ladies and gentlemen, it behooves you when a famous person dies, 196 00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:18,803 blame the year and make it about you. 197 00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:22,140 - [George] Yeah, yeah. - [audience clapping] 198 00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:30,940 To take a Getty Image, a watermarked Getty Image, 199 00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:35,361 and post a picture on your shitty Facebook.com page. 200 00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:39,407 It means the world to these dead people. 201 00:11:40,575 --> 00:11:44,120 Now, famously, in that revival of True West, 202 00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:47,123 John C. Reilly and "Phil Sey" Hoffman 203 00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:49,459 would switch parts every night. 204 00:11:52,211 --> 00:11:54,297 We would do our version of that. 205 00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:56,925 We would switch medications, OK? 206 00:11:57,967 --> 00:12:00,094 I would take George's anti-psychotics. 207 00:12:00,178 --> 00:12:02,805 And I would apply Gil's eczema cream. 208 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,768 But many of you millennials probably know us 209 00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:10,730 from our hit existential drama, Waiting for Godot... 210 00:12:10,813 --> 00:12:11,898 Hello. 211 00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:16,861 But in our version, Godot shows up, like three minutes in, 212 00:12:18,237 --> 00:12:21,157 and then we prank that mofo with Too Much Tuna, baby. 213 00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:24,243 We come out with bowler hats on. 214 00:12:24,327 --> 00:12:25,648 We take them off, [clicks tongue] 215 00:12:25,703 --> 00:12:28,331 we got two tuna sandwiches on our heads. 216 00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:30,750 And the audience was in stitches. 217 00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:35,505 Literally, because we were performing at a burn ward in Washington Heights. 218 00:12:36,464 --> 00:12:37,882 And these... 219 00:12:38,299 --> 00:12:40,718 - Say it. - These fucking Dominicans... 220 00:12:42,053 --> 00:12:45,390 It was like... Hey, shut the door. It was like... 221 00:12:45,974 --> 00:12:47,809 Like they didn't understand it. 222 00:12:47,892 --> 00:12:51,437 And those that understood English, it was like, they didn't like it. 223 00:12:52,271 --> 00:12:55,316 Most of our plays had been mounted in hospitals, 224 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:59,904 or kill shelters or as a skit during break at AA. 225 00:13:00,405 --> 00:13:04,701 Which is why it is such an honor to be here tonight. 226 00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:07,453 At the Winter Garden Theater! 227 00:13:08,037 --> 00:13:11,124 No, no, the Lyceum Theater! 228 00:13:11,207 --> 00:13:12,625 [applause] 229 00:13:15,169 --> 00:13:17,755 I thought we booked the Winter Garden Theater. 230 00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:21,384 Have you fucking tried dealing with the Shubert Organization? 231 00:13:21,759 --> 00:13:24,095 I mean, this is a historic theater. 232 00:13:24,178 --> 00:13:27,932 Liza Minnelli mounted her iconic Liza with a "Z" on this very stage, 233 00:13:28,016 --> 00:13:30,268 directed by the great Bob Fosse. 234 00:13:30,351 --> 00:13:32,145 And if you listen very closely, 235 00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:35,440 you can hear in the rafters the ghost of Bob Fosse, 236 00:13:35,523 --> 00:13:38,276 snorting Dexedrine and drinking Visine. 237 00:13:39,861 --> 00:13:44,532 Here in this theater, haunted by ghosts who could not book a different theater. 238 00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:49,912 Here in this theater which is basically on Sixth Avenue. 239 00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:53,833 So many great playwrights have staged their works. 240 00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:56,753 Tennessee Williams and his sister Serena. 241 00:13:58,129 --> 00:14:01,215 You know, they were rivals but they loved each other. 242 00:14:01,299 --> 00:14:05,678 - I blame the father. - [both] He pushed them too hard. 243 00:14:06,387 --> 00:14:08,556 - I like your take. - I like your style. 244 00:14:09,265 --> 00:14:11,559 That's why this is the perfect venue 245 00:14:11,642 --> 00:14:13,436 for us to present to you... 246 00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:15,438 our new play! 247 00:14:15,897 --> 00:14:17,899 Ravi, curtain! 248 00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:22,862 [cheering] 249 00:14:27,992 --> 00:14:33,456 Can you imagine a Broadway show exceeding your expectations 250 00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:35,833 by having a set? 251 00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:42,173 All of this stuff cobbled together from discarded Broadway sets 252 00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:46,803 from some weird warehouse in Secaucus, New Jersey. 253 00:14:47,261 --> 00:14:49,055 They have everything at this place. 254 00:14:49,138 --> 00:14:51,307 Old props, old costumes, 255 00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:55,353 the cast of Newsies huddled over a flaming garbage can. 256 00:14:56,396 --> 00:15:01,776 This right here, this is the actual set from the 2005 revival of Steel Magnolias 257 00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:04,153 mounted right here at the Lyceum Theater. 258 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:07,407 Steel Magnolias, first a play, then a movie, then again, a play. 259 00:15:07,490 --> 00:15:10,326 The Broadway equivalent of moving back in with your parents. 260 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:15,832 What about this wall and staircase from a classic work of August Wilson's. 261 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:19,502 August Wilson, the acclaimed African-American playwright. 262 00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:22,046 I could name so many titles of his plays, 263 00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:24,048 but I'm gonna walk over here now. 264 00:15:25,508 --> 00:15:28,219 And what's this right here? A trapdoor, yes. 265 00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:32,515 This is the trapdoor from the set of The Diary of Anne Frank. Yeah! 266 00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:35,435 Not to be confused with the diary of Anne Hathaway 267 00:15:35,518 --> 00:15:38,479 which we stole out of her purse at the Gotham Awards. 268 00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:41,149 And what's inside? Oh, no, what's this? 269 00:15:41,232 --> 00:15:42,733 Oh, me, oh, my! 270 00:15:42,817 --> 00:15:47,780 It's the pillowman from Martin McDonagh's The Pillowman. 271 00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:51,242 And for those you at the crappy sightline who can't see this, raise your hand. 272 00:15:51,325 --> 00:15:53,744 Raise your hands if you can't see this. All right. OK. 273 00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:56,497 So what you're missing is... 274 00:15:56,914 --> 00:16:02,170 It's a pillow with googly eyes and paper towel arms, all right? 275 00:16:02,837 --> 00:16:06,674 So next time, get your tickets earlier or just make more money. 276 00:16:12,096 --> 00:16:16,684 And in honor of Jean-Paul Sartre's classic play, No Exit, 277 00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:20,688 we have installed a "No Exit" sign. 278 00:16:21,606 --> 00:16:27,403 Which the city of New York informs us is a massive fire hazard. 279 00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:29,864 And what's this right here, the gramophone 280 00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:32,575 and shelving unit from a Tony Award winning play, 281 00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:36,412 again mounted right here at the Lyceum Theater, I Am My Own Wife. 282 00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:39,624 You know, I once had Gil pretend to be my own wife, 283 00:16:39,707 --> 00:16:43,294 in order to throw off the homicide detective's timeline. 284 00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:47,048 I wore a dress. 285 00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:52,345 Why he wore a dress to make a phone call, we will never know. 286 00:16:53,304 --> 00:16:56,974 And what's this right here? This is the heart and soul of this set. 287 00:16:57,058 --> 00:17:00,311 This is the original stoop from The Cosby Show. 288 00:17:00,895 --> 00:17:03,231 Which we got for like, nothing. 289 00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:06,400 They paid us to take it. 290 00:17:06,484 --> 00:17:10,530 They were like, "This thing's got bad juju, get it off our hands", you know. 291 00:17:10,613 --> 00:17:14,575 But of course, the final piece of inanimate set decoration, 292 00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:16,494 is you, the audience. 293 00:17:16,577 --> 00:17:20,456 A collection of comedy nerds and theater dorks and... 294 00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:25,962 [laughs] children whose parents have made a severe miscalculation. 295 00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:30,967 All of you gathered together, 296 00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:34,178 wondering if there will be an intermission. 297 00:17:34,512 --> 00:17:36,806 There will not! 298 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:40,309 While you're here in the theater, some ground rules to follow. 299 00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:43,312 Ground rules, first off, cellphones, turn them on! 300 00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:44,772 Take calls. 301 00:17:46,649 --> 00:17:48,276 Take calls, text people. 302 00:17:48,359 --> 00:17:51,946 But if you're gonna text someone, do it like your dad in temple, you know? 303 00:17:58,286 --> 00:18:01,872 Also, we have free Wi-Fi for everyone here tonight. 304 00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:06,460 The network is "Kimpton Hotels," and the password is "guest." 305 00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:10,381 If you have winter hats and coats, 306 00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:13,718 put your shit wherever you want. 307 00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:19,390 Treat this theater the way an Ultra-Orthodox Jew treats an airplane. 308 00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:21,350 Spread out! 309 00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:25,479 That chair is for your hat, baby. 310 00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,859 Perhaps you didn't have time before the show 311 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:33,279 to eat at Guy Fieri's Great American Garbage Fire. 312 00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:38,784 - Eat food in the theater. - Eat a meal during the play. 313 00:18:38,868 --> 00:18:41,203 Even if you're like a Jamaican nurse, 314 00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:44,749 and you brought your dinner in a big weird Tupperware. 315 00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:47,168 And when you crack the lid, 316 00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:48,836 wow! 317 00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:53,633 It changes the pH of the room. 318 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:59,805 Maybe you brought yourself a sweet treat 'cause you got low blood sugar. 319 00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:02,933 Make sure to open your little plastic candies... 320 00:19:03,017 --> 00:19:05,603 - [crinkles paper] - Very slowly. 321 00:19:06,020 --> 00:19:10,024 Thinking they'll make less noise, whereas this will make so much more noise. 322 00:19:10,566 --> 00:19:15,154 Really, indulge the crinkle as you undress your Swedish Fish, 323 00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:18,574 the Lamborghini of the gummies. 324 00:19:20,034 --> 00:19:23,204 Or perhaps you brought yourself a Werther's Original, 325 00:19:23,287 --> 00:19:25,873 the AMBER Alert of caramels. 326 00:19:25,956 --> 00:19:27,458 [audience laugh] 327 00:19:29,126 --> 00:19:33,297 Now, those of you familiar with our oeuvre, which means eggs, 328 00:19:33,381 --> 00:19:36,133 will recognize this play. 329 00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:39,470 It's a little more autobiographical than our other plays. 330 00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:41,514 - That's right. Oh, Hello. - Oh, Hello. 331 00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:45,810 We draw on 70 years of a life lived. 332 00:19:46,227 --> 00:19:48,771 A first job, a second marriage. 333 00:19:48,854 --> 00:19:51,357 When you open your cab door into a city biker 334 00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:54,485 as a silent protest against Mayor De Blasio. 335 00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:58,572 It's a play about those emotional moments in life, 336 00:19:58,656 --> 00:20:01,867 like when you get a multi-vitamin caught in your throat 337 00:20:02,243 --> 00:20:06,288 and it burns so bad that you bail on your daughter's wedding. 338 00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:10,251 I play a character named George Reddington. 339 00:20:10,334 --> 00:20:12,420 Yes, he's a bit based on me. 340 00:20:12,503 --> 00:20:14,714 He's a very successful novelist, 341 00:20:14,797 --> 00:20:17,883 who's having a lot of trouble with this Swedish Fish right now. 342 00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:21,220 And I play Gil Stone, 343 00:20:21,303 --> 00:20:24,932 a working actor who just got yelled at backstage 344 00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:27,727 for moving a chair in a Union House. 345 00:20:29,186 --> 00:20:30,312 I'm sorry. 346 00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:32,857 Oh, yeah? Well you know what? 347 00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:35,651 In England, that's a slang term for cigarettes, so... 348 00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:41,866 We love the great traditions of the theater 349 00:20:41,949 --> 00:20:45,786 and that is why we plan to pay humpage to them tonight. 350 00:20:46,203 --> 00:20:48,622 For example, the one-sided telephone call. 351 00:20:48,706 --> 00:20:51,625 Oh, this is very good. The one-sided telephone call. 352 00:20:51,709 --> 00:20:54,962 This is when a character in a play, does a telephone call, 353 00:20:55,045 --> 00:20:58,674 but they repeat all the phone call information out loud 354 00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:00,509 to the other characters on the stage. 355 00:21:00,968 --> 00:21:04,472 First, get a telephone no one would have in real life. 356 00:21:04,555 --> 00:21:05,890 Oh, hello. 357 00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:12,021 Then as an actor, do way too much business with the phone, all right? 358 00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:16,150 Really make a fucking meal out of it. 359 00:21:17,860 --> 00:21:22,156 And now, we humbly present the one-sided telephone call. 360 00:21:22,239 --> 00:21:24,575 Ravi, a melodramatic wash. 361 00:21:28,078 --> 00:21:29,330 Oh, hello? 362 00:21:30,039 --> 00:21:31,540 Oh, charmed, I'm sure. 363 00:21:32,249 --> 00:21:33,834 The police? 364 00:21:33,918 --> 00:21:35,419 That's who you are? 365 00:21:38,214 --> 00:21:39,924 A car accident? 366 00:21:43,260 --> 00:21:45,387 George's daughter? 367 00:21:46,806 --> 00:21:49,266 Her head ended up where? 368 00:21:50,142 --> 00:21:52,663 - Are they talking... - I'm on the phone, I'm on the phone, man. 369 00:21:54,605 --> 00:21:55,689 OK, yeah, 370 00:21:56,023 --> 00:21:57,274 I'll tell him. 371 00:21:58,609 --> 00:22:00,027 Oh, charmed, I'm sure. 372 00:22:02,738 --> 00:22:05,991 Hey, George, my friend of all friends. 373 00:22:06,534 --> 00:22:07,660 Look at me! 374 00:22:07,743 --> 00:22:10,412 I have awful, simply horrible news, 375 00:22:10,496 --> 00:22:13,874 but that was a one-sided telephone call! 376 00:22:13,958 --> 00:22:15,376 [airhorn sounds] 377 00:22:17,086 --> 00:22:21,090 [applause] 378 00:22:21,215 --> 00:22:23,467 You are so stupid. 379 00:22:24,844 --> 00:22:28,264 My daughter is not dead, I talked to her a year ago. 380 00:22:29,682 --> 00:22:33,769 Another device I love in theater is coughing into a handkerchief 381 00:22:33,852 --> 00:22:35,896 to show the audience that you are dying. 382 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:38,983 - Would you assist me with this? - All right. 383 00:22:39,066 --> 00:22:41,193 [groans] 384 00:22:43,362 --> 00:22:46,824 Hey, little kids, get your ice cream. Get your... 385 00:22:47,908 --> 00:22:50,578 Are you sick, Mr. Manzini? 386 00:22:51,745 --> 00:22:53,122 No, Giuseppe. 387 00:22:53,998 --> 00:22:55,416 I'ma gonna be OK. 388 00:22:55,874 --> 00:22:57,251 Boom time! 389 00:22:58,586 --> 00:23:00,296 He's not well. 390 00:23:01,964 --> 00:23:03,674 That guy is sick as a dick. 391 00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:07,720 - Audiences like to be screamed at. - Correct. 392 00:23:08,387 --> 00:23:13,601 The backbone of contemporary American theater is screaming stuff. 393 00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:18,230 For starters, it wakes the audience up towards the end of the third act. 394 00:23:18,564 --> 00:23:22,151 But also it reveals things from the past. 395 00:23:22,443 --> 00:23:26,989 My father was my brother and that's why we can't go to lunch today. 396 00:23:28,490 --> 00:23:30,909 Do you want to know why? 397 00:23:30,993 --> 00:23:34,622 Do you want to know why, Karen? 398 00:23:34,705 --> 00:23:38,500 Because I could not afford Adobe Photoshop! 399 00:23:41,170 --> 00:23:42,630 My baby. 400 00:23:43,505 --> 00:23:45,341 My chair baby. 401 00:23:45,883 --> 00:23:47,468 He killed you. 402 00:23:48,344 --> 00:23:50,929 Why? 403 00:23:56,310 --> 00:23:58,395 [applause] 404 00:23:59,938 --> 00:24:03,942 That is of course, from lonesco's Chairs. 405 00:24:04,818 --> 00:24:06,278 Let's talk endings. 406 00:24:06,362 --> 00:24:10,616 I like when a character says something mildly significant, 407 00:24:10,699 --> 00:24:12,201 and then the lights dim, 408 00:24:12,284 --> 00:24:14,411 and you're sitting in your seat, you're like... 409 00:24:15,621 --> 00:24:17,164 Huh? 410 00:24:17,748 --> 00:24:19,166 Is that... is that... 411 00:24:19,917 --> 00:24:21,752 "Is that the fucking end of the play?" 412 00:24:24,922 --> 00:24:27,341 May I demonstrate one of these awful dim lights? 413 00:24:27,424 --> 00:24:29,176 - Porcupine please. - Thank you. 414 00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:32,304 Is there a center mark for me to stand? 415 00:24:32,388 --> 00:24:34,223 OK, that'll do. 416 00:24:34,306 --> 00:24:38,060 Ravi, can you write a "G" on that so I know it's for George and not Gil? 417 00:24:38,143 --> 00:24:39,395 Thank you. 418 00:24:40,646 --> 00:24:42,564 Ravi, hit me with the spotlight. 419 00:24:44,483 --> 00:24:47,403 By the way, Ravi, way too loud with the intro music. Way too loud. 420 00:24:47,486 --> 00:24:50,197 You bring the house to half, then you do the announce. 421 00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:52,658 Don't ever pooch the opening in my show again. 422 00:24:52,950 --> 00:24:55,661 All right, we're having a nice time, so... 423 00:24:56,412 --> 00:25:00,582 So this is a line of dialogue and then it dimmed. 424 00:25:01,792 --> 00:25:05,963 You know, looking back, my father was a poor man, 425 00:25:06,046 --> 00:25:10,092 but in the end, he gave us the greatest gift of all, 426 00:25:10,592 --> 00:25:14,763 a 1997 Toyota Tercel. 427 00:25:16,682 --> 00:25:20,102 [laughter and applause] 428 00:25:22,271 --> 00:25:23,397 Thank you. 429 00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:25,691 - What are you eating? - Cashews. 430 00:25:25,774 --> 00:25:27,401 Oh! 431 00:25:27,484 --> 00:25:30,112 - That's expensive. - But imaginary. 432 00:25:30,195 --> 00:25:31,822 - There you go. - All right, yeah. 433 00:25:32,698 --> 00:25:33,991 I'm allergic. 434 00:25:36,827 --> 00:25:38,662 - Uh, I take grievance. - With my performance? 435 00:25:38,746 --> 00:25:41,582 No, the performance was Pontiac perfection. Yeah 436 00:25:42,541 --> 00:25:44,960 - I take grievance with the dialogue. - Too poignant? 437 00:25:45,043 --> 00:25:46,170 - Too significant. - Yes. 438 00:25:46,253 --> 00:25:48,464 I like when a play ends just a sentence. 439 00:25:48,547 --> 00:25:51,884 That naturalistic thing, where the playwright is trying to say, 440 00:25:51,967 --> 00:25:54,052 there's no good dialogue in real life, 441 00:25:54,136 --> 00:25:56,472 - so why should I work that hard? - Yeah. 442 00:25:57,431 --> 00:26:00,517 - Mother, may I? - Speak in plain, child. 443 00:26:01,643 --> 00:26:03,103 [mumbles to self] 444 00:26:07,691 --> 00:26:08,942 Oh, waiter, 445 00:26:09,318 --> 00:26:12,488 I'll have one more root beer, please. 446 00:26:13,822 --> 00:26:15,032 Man... 447 00:26:15,115 --> 00:26:17,284 [laughter and applause] 448 00:26:25,834 --> 00:26:27,753 I got the chills. 449 00:26:28,253 --> 00:26:29,713 I got the chills. 450 00:26:29,797 --> 00:26:31,173 [yelping in delight] 451 00:26:31,256 --> 00:26:33,467 - I got the chills. - You got the chills, man? 452 00:26:33,550 --> 00:26:35,677 - Are you... - [yelps] I got them. 453 00:26:37,054 --> 00:26:38,806 You got the chills, are you sick? 454 00:26:38,889 --> 00:26:42,226 No, I got the chills from your magnificent performance. 455 00:26:42,309 --> 00:26:45,187 - Though I do have pneumococcal pneumonia. - All right. 456 00:26:45,896 --> 00:26:47,773 You know, I have mesothelioma. 457 00:26:47,856 --> 00:26:48,857 How did you get it? 458 00:26:48,941 --> 00:26:50,150 From a commercial. 459 00:26:52,236 --> 00:26:55,197 Well, we are about to get started. 460 00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:56,698 But before we do... 461 00:26:59,618 --> 00:27:01,161 - You gonna hold that? - Yeah. 462 00:27:01,245 --> 00:27:02,579 - All right. - It's got a flick... 463 00:27:02,663 --> 00:27:04,122 - I'm just gonna flick the tip. - OK. 464 00:27:04,790 --> 00:27:08,168 That made it a billion times worse right there. 465 00:27:09,127 --> 00:27:11,004 We are about to get started. 466 00:27:11,505 --> 00:27:13,590 - No, fucking... No. - What? 467 00:27:14,258 --> 00:27:16,718 Not in life or in the play ever, 468 00:27:17,094 --> 00:27:20,264 ever put your nail in between my nail. 469 00:27:20,681 --> 00:27:22,391 In my fingie meat. 470 00:27:22,891 --> 00:27:25,602 For real, don't ever do that ever again, for real. 471 00:27:25,978 --> 00:27:28,772 - This... That's a protected settlement. - Yeah. 472 00:27:30,983 --> 00:27:32,192 [indistinct] 473 00:27:33,277 --> 00:27:35,404 Then I'm Netanyahu, baby! 474 00:27:37,614 --> 00:27:40,117 - 'Cause you're my little Bibi. - Yeah, that's right. 475 00:27:40,784 --> 00:27:43,078 Why are you holding on to my finger? 476 00:27:43,161 --> 00:27:45,581 'Cause I'm nervous. I want the show to go well. 477 00:27:45,664 --> 00:27:47,708 Because we're on Broadway. 478 00:27:47,791 --> 00:27:50,460 But, Gil, remember what we always say? 479 00:27:50,544 --> 00:27:53,213 Treat a four like a six, and she'll be grateful. 480 00:27:58,093 --> 00:28:00,345 No. Let's do our best. 481 00:28:00,429 --> 00:28:02,931 - Oh! - Jesus Christ! 482 00:28:03,765 --> 00:28:06,310 Enjoy the play! 483 00:28:06,393 --> 00:28:08,520 [cheering] 484 00:28:13,275 --> 00:28:15,444 - This crowd sucks. - Yeah, it's great. 485 00:28:19,573 --> 00:28:21,783 [dramatic music] 486 00:28:21,950 --> 00:28:25,579 George steps forward to read stage direction. 487 00:28:26,914 --> 00:28:32,377 He leans to one side because the "stage direction" is italicized. 488 00:28:36,173 --> 00:28:40,010 Our play begins on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, 489 00:28:40,093 --> 00:28:43,472 73rd & Columbus, to be exact. 490 00:28:43,555 --> 00:28:48,227 The setting: A large Upper West Side rent-controlled building. 491 00:28:48,310 --> 00:28:50,938 The kind of place where all the recycling bins 492 00:28:51,021 --> 00:28:53,523 are filled with used oxygen tanks. 493 00:28:54,191 --> 00:28:55,651 And what's this up here? 494 00:28:56,652 --> 00:28:57,694 What? 495 00:28:57,778 --> 00:29:01,907 Why, it's the front door of our two heroes' apartment. 496 00:29:01,990 --> 00:29:05,285 A mezuzah is nailed to the door frame. 497 00:29:05,369 --> 00:29:09,998 Just below the painted over nails of a former mezuzah. 498 00:29:11,500 --> 00:29:14,586 And for those of you observant enough to clock, 499 00:29:14,670 --> 00:29:18,799 that this mezuzah is on the wrong side of the door frame, 500 00:29:18,882 --> 00:29:20,342 you're at the right play. 501 00:29:20,467 --> 00:29:22,761 [audience laugh] 502 00:29:22,970 --> 00:29:27,849 We open on a brown room, with pea-colored sunlight 503 00:29:27,933 --> 00:29:32,562 illuminating what must be pounds of flaked off, old man dry skin. 504 00:29:33,313 --> 00:29:35,190 We meet George Reddington. 505 00:29:35,274 --> 00:29:39,486 George can hardly get hard, so he must use a tongue depressor 506 00:29:39,569 --> 00:29:41,613 as a splint on his schvantz. 507 00:29:46,660 --> 00:29:48,287 I don't know. 508 00:29:49,871 --> 00:29:53,208 George is hung like a hotel painting, 509 00:29:53,834 --> 00:29:57,629 in that it's crooked and has seen awful things. 510 00:29:57,713 --> 00:29:58,797 [audience laugh] 511 00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:05,721 He speaks on the phone. Shh! 512 00:30:07,472 --> 00:30:11,685 Well, I'm doing pretty well, considering I'm a 72-year-old novelist, 513 00:30:11,768 --> 00:30:15,230 and I live with my best friend Gil and he's an actor. OK, bye. 514 00:30:20,193 --> 00:30:24,698 Just then, Gil Stone, aged 40, enters. 515 00:30:25,991 --> 00:30:28,785 - Are you sure you can play 40? - [high pitched] Yes! 516 00:30:29,369 --> 00:30:32,039 Gil Stone, aged 40, enters. 517 00:30:32,122 --> 00:30:34,166 He is soaked from the rain. 518 00:30:38,712 --> 00:30:41,423 No matter what health food store you go to, 519 00:30:41,506 --> 00:30:44,092 Gil is blocking the vitamin aisle. 520 00:30:45,469 --> 00:30:49,598 Gil's hair, it's like the JonBenét Ramsey case. 521 00:30:49,681 --> 00:30:54,019 The more you look into it, the more questions you have. 522 00:30:55,562 --> 00:30:58,857 Gil speaks and says his lines as written. 523 00:30:59,107 --> 00:31:02,736 George, have you ever noticed that New York in the rain 524 00:31:02,819 --> 00:31:04,404 is like jazz music? 525 00:31:05,781 --> 00:31:08,909 No, I haven't, my friend, but keep going with this. 526 00:31:08,992 --> 00:31:13,372 Well, they're in drops. There like a brush on a tight snare drum. 527 00:31:13,580 --> 00:31:14,664 [snares play] 528 00:31:14,956 --> 00:31:17,084 And the honking of the horns. Oh! 529 00:31:17,167 --> 00:31:19,669 That's like Miles, baby. 530 00:31:19,795 --> 00:31:22,839 [jazz music plays] 531 00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:27,052 And for the subway? You got yourself a xylophone. 532 00:31:27,135 --> 00:31:28,678 Bing bong. 533 00:31:28,762 --> 00:31:31,515 "Stay clear of the falling rain, please." 534 00:31:31,890 --> 00:31:33,892 I don't want to do the water anymore. 535 00:31:34,017 --> 00:31:35,852 Whoa! Whoa! 536 00:31:35,936 --> 00:31:39,022 The water spray is the fucking strongest part of the show. 537 00:31:40,399 --> 00:31:42,567 Makes my glasses all watery. 538 00:31:42,651 --> 00:31:44,736 Look, I know that, OK? 539 00:31:44,820 --> 00:31:47,656 You know, Mark and Judy came with their adult son last week, 540 00:31:47,739 --> 00:31:49,574 they told me they love the water spray. 541 00:31:49,658 --> 00:31:52,077 But Mark and Judy like Stomp. 542 00:31:54,454 --> 00:31:57,666 - You know, I like Stomp. - I love Stomp. 543 00:31:57,749 --> 00:31:59,793 They bang everything. 544 00:31:59,876 --> 00:32:03,046 It's the new... You have got to go see Stomp on tour. 545 00:32:03,130 --> 00:32:05,006 - It's the same. - Ah! 546 00:32:06,716 --> 00:32:09,845 So tell me, Gil, how was your meeting today with your agent? 547 00:32:09,928 --> 00:32:11,972 - It was horrible. - Oh, no. 548 00:32:12,055 --> 00:32:15,016 I mean, he doesn't get me at all. You know? 549 00:32:15,100 --> 00:32:17,769 I'm a serious theater actor. 550 00:32:17,853 --> 00:32:20,313 He's got me going out for commercials. 551 00:32:20,397 --> 00:32:22,107 Can you imagine me, 552 00:32:22,190 --> 00:32:25,527 Gil Stone, hocking Scotch Tape? 553 00:32:27,446 --> 00:32:31,158 There you go again with that artistic integrity. 554 00:32:31,241 --> 00:32:33,326 See me? I'm all about money. 555 00:32:33,410 --> 00:32:36,580 What are we, two characters with different perspectives? 556 00:32:36,997 --> 00:32:41,835 [splattered laughter] 557 00:32:42,043 --> 00:32:44,463 - I can't do it anymore, George. - Gil. 558 00:32:44,546 --> 00:32:47,549 - I got to get out of this rat race. - Be pragmatic. 559 00:32:48,216 --> 00:32:51,136 I walked out of an audition today. 560 00:32:51,219 --> 00:32:53,263 For Clamato, I mean... 561 00:32:53,346 --> 00:32:56,266 We're talking about Clamato, George. 562 00:32:56,349 --> 00:33:02,063 The number one clam/tomato juice operation in the country today. 563 00:33:02,481 --> 00:33:04,566 Some would say the only. 564 00:33:05,150 --> 00:33:08,111 How could you walk out of that? What is going on with you? 565 00:33:08,195 --> 00:33:11,406 I made a promise, George. A promise. 566 00:33:11,907 --> 00:33:13,492 To my parents. 567 00:33:16,536 --> 00:33:17,746 I miss them, you know. 568 00:33:18,705 --> 00:33:22,792 You know, my father, before he died, he told me two things. 569 00:33:23,210 --> 00:33:26,796 First, that he ratted out other Jews during the Holocaust. 570 00:33:29,633 --> 00:33:32,677 And second, and more importantly... 571 00:33:34,804 --> 00:33:36,515 He said, you got to be yourself. 572 00:33:37,349 --> 00:33:40,769 And that's what I'm trying to do every day in this crazy rat race, man. 573 00:33:41,186 --> 00:33:42,771 Is, I got to be me. 574 00:33:42,854 --> 00:33:44,481 I got to be Gil! 575 00:33:44,856 --> 00:33:46,942 This line hangs there in the air 576 00:33:47,025 --> 00:33:49,986 like Lenny Kravitz's very nice, very full penis, 577 00:33:50,070 --> 00:33:52,322 remember when his pants split and it fell out. 578 00:33:52,405 --> 00:33:56,368 There's a video of it. This was like, 15 months ago. 579 00:33:56,451 --> 00:33:58,036 We here it at Oh, Hello feel 580 00:33:58,119 --> 00:34:00,956 this did not get enough attention at the time. 581 00:34:01,039 --> 00:34:02,332 [audience laugh] 582 00:34:03,291 --> 00:34:04,793 Gil continues speaking. 583 00:34:04,876 --> 00:34:08,713 But then suddenly and quite inorganically, he starts singing. 584 00:34:09,422 --> 00:34:11,550 So I walk out of the audition, 585 00:34:11,633 --> 00:34:14,844 and I head over to Fairway Supermarket to molest olives. 586 00:34:16,763 --> 00:34:18,765 And that's when it hits me. 587 00:34:19,474 --> 00:34:24,771 ♪ Sweet Rosalie She's working at the five and dime ♪ 588 00:34:24,854 --> 00:34:27,732 I have had that song stuck in my head all day, Gil. 589 00:34:28,733 --> 00:34:33,822 ♪ Train back to Hackensack With rosemary wine ♪ 590 00:34:34,698 --> 00:34:38,326 ♪ Yo deedle doidle dee ♪ 591 00:34:38,410 --> 00:34:39,452 [mimics bass] 592 00:34:39,536 --> 00:34:41,997 ♪ Cocaine, snort ♪ 593 00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:45,709 ♪ We both like to do cocaine ♪ 594 00:34:46,418 --> 00:34:49,713 - God, what is that song? - It's got to be Steely Dan, right? 595 00:34:49,796 --> 00:34:53,592 Oh, it's a billion percent Steely Dan. 596 00:34:53,675 --> 00:34:57,470 Remember seeing Steely Dan at the Beacon Theater, nine nights in a row? 597 00:34:57,554 --> 00:34:59,389 I love the Beacon Theater. 598 00:34:59,472 --> 00:35:02,350 Oh, the Beacon Theater, it's like the Apollo Theater 599 00:35:02,434 --> 00:35:05,520 for people who are scared to go into the Apollo. 600 00:35:06,605 --> 00:35:08,940 Walter Becker from Steely Dan, 601 00:35:09,024 --> 00:35:13,486 playing his guitar like he's in the band at the end of a Lunesta commercial. 602 00:35:15,697 --> 00:35:17,449 Donald Fagen on the keys 603 00:35:17,532 --> 00:35:21,328 looking like if Ray Charles played the organ at a reformed synagogue. 604 00:35:21,536 --> 00:35:25,624 [beatboxing the bass guitar] 605 00:35:27,542 --> 00:35:29,669 George, did you know the name Steely Dan 606 00:35:29,753 --> 00:35:32,922 originated as a dildo in a William Burroughs novel? 607 00:35:33,006 --> 00:35:34,424 Of course, I know that. 608 00:35:34,507 --> 00:35:37,010 You and I know a lot about Steely Dan. 609 00:35:40,597 --> 00:35:41,598 - Gil? - Here. 610 00:35:41,723 --> 00:35:43,892 - Would you check the mail for me? - All right. 611 00:35:43,975 --> 00:35:46,519 I'm waiting on a reply from my publisher 612 00:35:46,603 --> 00:35:50,357 about my new novel, Next Stop: Ronkonkoma. 613 00:35:50,732 --> 00:35:53,777 It's the story of a Long Island railroad trip 614 00:35:53,860 --> 00:35:57,155 told from a hundred different perspectives. 615 00:36:03,036 --> 00:36:04,537 Let's see here. [clears throat] 616 00:36:04,621 --> 00:36:06,206 "Attention, tenants. 617 00:36:06,289 --> 00:36:10,043 Water will be shut off from 9 a.m. until 4 p.m. 618 00:36:10,126 --> 00:36:11,795 to punish the unemployed." 619 00:36:14,089 --> 00:36:15,674 Seems mean-spirited, right? 620 00:36:15,757 --> 00:36:17,467 I make my own water. 621 00:36:20,220 --> 00:36:21,680 Oh, yeah, OK. This one. 622 00:36:21,763 --> 00:36:24,391 "Dear Mr. Reddington and Mr. Stone, 623 00:36:24,474 --> 00:36:28,645 Your rent controlled apartment is no longer rent-controlled." 624 00:36:30,730 --> 00:36:33,942 But we've been living in this apartment for 40 years, 625 00:36:34,025 --> 00:36:36,486 paying $75 a month. 626 00:36:36,903 --> 00:36:39,698 It's our God-given right to pay the same amount of rent 627 00:36:39,781 --> 00:36:42,409 regardless of property value or inflation. 628 00:36:42,742 --> 00:36:44,536 This is an outrage. 629 00:36:44,953 --> 00:36:46,996 Ravi, I need that chair to shatter. 630 00:36:47,080 --> 00:36:48,748 Let me see this. 631 00:36:48,832 --> 00:36:52,585 "Your rent is being increased to $2,500 a month." 632 00:36:52,961 --> 00:36:56,131 Twenty-five hundred dollars for a measly five-bedroom 633 00:36:56,214 --> 00:36:58,675 with office, crown molding, and fireplace? 634 00:36:59,175 --> 00:37:01,219 How much money do I even have on me? 635 00:37:01,302 --> 00:37:04,431 What is this? "Remember, you have Alzheimer's." 636 00:37:04,514 --> 00:37:06,599 What does that even mean? 637 00:37:08,059 --> 00:37:12,272 I'm so sick of finding all these stupid notes in all my shit. 638 00:37:14,399 --> 00:37:16,776 When I find the guy that's putting them there... 639 00:37:16,860 --> 00:37:18,987 What are you gonna do to him, Georgie? 640 00:37:19,070 --> 00:37:20,947 You know, c'mere jabroni. 641 00:37:21,030 --> 00:37:22,449 Stay out of my mirror. 642 00:37:22,574 --> 00:37:25,326 [Gil] Yeah, yeah, yeah. 643 00:37:25,827 --> 00:37:28,037 Tell me, Gil, is there a third... 644 00:37:30,081 --> 00:37:33,334 Tell me, Gil, is there a third letter from my... 645 00:37:34,043 --> 00:37:35,962 - It works best if I do the set up. - OK. 646 00:37:39,507 --> 00:37:41,801 Gil, is there a... Fucking wait! 647 00:37:41,885 --> 00:37:44,429 [loud laughter] 648 00:37:55,815 --> 00:37:59,694 Say, Gil, is there a third letter from my publisher? 649 00:37:59,778 --> 00:38:02,030 Maybe if they sent a big enough advance, 650 00:38:02,113 --> 00:38:04,532 we don't have to worry about the new rent. 651 00:38:08,453 --> 00:38:11,164 - Give me the fucking letter. - Just ask for the letter. 652 00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:14,501 - Are we on the same team? - Yeah. 653 00:38:14,584 --> 00:38:16,252 The '86 Mets. 654 00:38:19,005 --> 00:38:21,508 - You're all right, you know that? - Yeah, thanks, man. 655 00:38:22,175 --> 00:38:25,220 - It's from them and it's nice and thin. - Less is more, Georgie. 656 00:38:25,303 --> 00:38:28,097 Good news comes in thin envelopes. 657 00:38:28,932 --> 00:38:30,558 "Dear Mr. Reddington. 658 00:38:30,642 --> 00:38:34,938 We received your amazing manuscript, Next Stop: Ronkonkoma. 659 00:38:35,021 --> 00:38:38,525 A one thousand page, totally unproofed document. 660 00:38:39,859 --> 00:38:44,239 Unfortunately, we are only interested in young adult puff pieces now. 661 00:38:44,322 --> 00:38:46,533 Like Twilight or The Corrections. 662 00:38:47,116 --> 00:38:50,161 Maybe you should give more thought to a younger audience." 663 00:38:50,829 --> 00:38:52,372 The nerve of these people. 664 00:38:52,455 --> 00:38:54,499 I think about teens all the time. 665 00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:58,920 But, George, what did the letter say? 666 00:39:05,218 --> 00:39:08,012 It said I'm not gonna get the book deal. 667 00:39:08,096 --> 00:39:09,973 Oh, my God, I'm not gonna get the book deal. 668 00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:14,352 And I already bought that sheep dog for the author photo. 669 00:39:15,353 --> 00:39:17,814 Boy, that guy is going back to Chinatown. 670 00:39:18,106 --> 00:39:22,902 [audience groans and laughs] 671 00:39:24,112 --> 00:39:25,488 Strap in, folks. 672 00:39:25,697 --> 00:39:30,702 [laughter and clapping] 673 00:39:32,662 --> 00:39:34,747 What happens if you don't get the advance? 674 00:39:34,831 --> 00:39:37,041 Without that advance, we don't have any money, 675 00:39:37,125 --> 00:39:38,793 and we're gonna lose our apartment. 676 00:39:38,877 --> 00:39:43,298 But we've been living in this apartment for 700 Sundays. 677 00:39:43,381 --> 00:39:46,593 [upbeat music plays] 678 00:39:46,676 --> 00:39:49,512 1951, Flatbush Avenue. 679 00:39:49,596 --> 00:39:53,099 I'm five years old and there's two things in this world that I love. 680 00:39:53,182 --> 00:39:54,601 The Brooklyn Dodgers, 681 00:39:54,684 --> 00:39:58,354 and when my mom pushes my head in between her big Polish tits. 682 00:39:58,438 --> 00:39:59,856 [ice-cream truck music plays] 683 00:39:59,939 --> 00:40:01,399 The Ice Cream Man is here. 684 00:40:01,482 --> 00:40:05,069 He says I can have a big boy cone if he can stick a finger in my tushie. 685 00:40:06,946 --> 00:40:10,283 1951, Providence, Rhode Island. 686 00:40:10,366 --> 00:40:14,203 I'm five years old and my mother is raising me as a girl. 687 00:40:15,288 --> 00:40:18,458 My father is drinking whiskey in a pitch-black room 688 00:40:18,541 --> 00:40:20,585 and we are not allowed in there. 689 00:40:21,085 --> 00:40:23,087 My big brother Spuddy grabs me. 690 00:40:23,171 --> 00:40:26,716 "Hey, George, you want to go see a dead body?" 691 00:40:27,050 --> 00:40:29,552 He takes me down to the train tracks, 692 00:40:29,636 --> 00:40:32,263 but I had seen that one already. 693 00:40:33,765 --> 00:40:37,560 Flash forward. I'm a freshman at Zero Mostel High. 694 00:40:38,186 --> 00:40:42,523 My best friend Lamar challenges me to drink a whole bottle of canola oil. 695 00:40:42,607 --> 00:40:46,903 I do it, and to this day, when I burp, popcorn comes out. 696 00:40:48,446 --> 00:40:53,076 Flash forward. I'm a sophomore at Jonesy School for Misfits. 697 00:40:53,159 --> 00:40:57,163 It's just me and a nun and a young Robert Durst. 698 00:40:58,373 --> 00:41:03,044 Fun fact: Robert Durst and my mother jumped off the same roof. 699 00:41:03,503 --> 00:41:06,881 On the one hand, I was sad my mother killed herself, 700 00:41:06,965 --> 00:41:10,802 but on the other hand, I was happy it was my birthday. 701 00:41:12,679 --> 00:41:14,389 It's true. He was. He really was. 702 00:41:17,225 --> 00:41:21,980 Flash forward to the oft forgotten and rarely discussed decade, 703 00:41:22,063 --> 00:41:24,023 the 1960's. 704 00:41:25,525 --> 00:41:27,944 - Ravi? - Cue music. Ravi, music. 705 00:41:28,027 --> 00:41:28,903 [music starts] 706 00:41:28,987 --> 00:41:32,699 [George] Ravi, goddammit! Late! Late! Ravi, late! Excuse me. 707 00:41:32,782 --> 00:41:36,369 As soon as he says "1960's," you come in fast with the groovy music. 708 00:41:36,452 --> 00:41:39,205 Ravi, you got to hit that cue or he's gonna go bananas. 709 00:41:39,288 --> 00:41:41,833 No, no, I'll go banana bread on you, 710 00:41:41,916 --> 00:41:44,043 and it will be too dry to swallow. 711 00:41:45,294 --> 00:41:48,006 You ever fuck up one of his monologues again, 712 00:41:48,089 --> 00:41:50,383 and I will choke you out, Slumdog. 713 00:41:52,802 --> 00:41:54,137 George! 714 00:41:55,930 --> 00:41:58,683 That is so chivalrous of you. 715 00:42:01,144 --> 00:42:03,563 You need to lose like seven pounds. 716 00:42:03,938 --> 00:42:05,231 [audience laugh] 717 00:42:07,233 --> 00:42:08,735 It's true. 718 00:42:09,193 --> 00:42:11,362 It's all the Tate's cookies, you know? 719 00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:13,740 They're so thin... 720 00:42:14,449 --> 00:42:18,619 You finish one sleeve and you're like, "Well, there's just one sleeve left." 721 00:42:23,791 --> 00:42:27,086 Flash forward, the 1960's. 722 00:42:28,463 --> 00:42:32,133 I'm at Columbia University as a trespasser. 723 00:42:33,926 --> 00:42:37,555 I was handing out flyers for this cult I had joined, you know. 724 00:42:37,638 --> 00:42:40,516 Fun fact: I'm the only guy to ever get kicked out of a cult 725 00:42:40,600 --> 00:42:42,477 for being too into it. 726 00:42:43,478 --> 00:42:44,937 But we were a great group. 727 00:42:45,021 --> 00:42:49,067 It was an LSD bicycle cult, now known as Soul Cycle. 728 00:42:52,445 --> 00:42:54,781 The 1960's. 729 00:42:54,906 --> 00:42:55,907 [no music] 730 00:42:56,199 --> 00:42:57,575 [music cues in late] 731 00:43:01,496 --> 00:43:03,331 I'm a student at Columbia 732 00:43:03,414 --> 00:43:08,503 after an Army psychiatrist deems me too violent for Vietnam. 733 00:43:08,961 --> 00:43:13,800 1969, millions watched Neil Armstrong walk on the moon. 734 00:43:13,883 --> 00:43:15,635 I'll never forget where I was. 735 00:43:15,718 --> 00:43:19,764 On a sound stage in Queens helping to fake the moon landing. 736 00:43:20,640 --> 00:43:22,600 But the '60s, you know? 737 00:43:22,975 --> 00:43:24,477 I remember one day, 738 00:43:24,560 --> 00:43:27,563 I'm walking through the Columbia quad. 739 00:43:27,647 --> 00:43:29,899 But the '60s, you know? 740 00:43:29,982 --> 00:43:33,694 I remember one day, I'm walking through the Columbia quad. 741 00:43:34,070 --> 00:43:40,076 [both] And I see this really cool dude. 742 00:43:40,451 --> 00:43:44,288 - Oh, a peace, Oh, hello. - '60s peace Oh, hello to you. 743 00:43:45,123 --> 00:43:46,457 Marijuana. 744 00:43:47,333 --> 00:43:50,962 I just heard about this really groovy new apartment on 73rd Street. 745 00:43:51,045 --> 00:43:53,881 - You want to be room mates? - I do want to be room mates, new friend. 746 00:43:53,965 --> 00:43:56,467 But I should warn you, I may have to move out soon, 747 00:43:56,551 --> 00:43:59,720 'cause I'm engaged to this girl who will not shut up. 748 00:44:00,721 --> 00:44:04,475 Well, I should warn you that I am afraid of raccoons. 749 00:44:06,227 --> 00:44:08,646 These guys are crazy, they got these little shoulders 750 00:44:08,729 --> 00:44:11,899 and that big belly like a furry jar, you know? 751 00:44:11,983 --> 00:44:14,152 Watch out, raccoons, they'll steal your food, 752 00:44:14,235 --> 00:44:16,612 but next thing you know, they'll steal your heart. 753 00:44:16,696 --> 00:44:20,533 Raccoons said, "What are you? A cat, or a fox, you neither?" 754 00:44:20,616 --> 00:44:22,827 - You're a raccoon. - You're a raccoon, exactly. 755 00:44:22,910 --> 00:44:27,206 And then all of a sudden, they stand up straight, that's weird, you know? 756 00:44:27,623 --> 00:44:30,710 They got those tails that look like tie-dyed Swiffers. 757 00:44:30,793 --> 00:44:33,504 And have Swiffers even been invented yet? 758 00:44:33,963 --> 00:44:36,632 You got those human hands that'll [pop] pop your eyeball out, 759 00:44:36,716 --> 00:44:38,009 eat it like a green grape. 760 00:44:38,092 --> 00:44:40,237 You ever heard a raccoon eat a green grape? It's like... 761 00:44:40,261 --> 00:44:42,180 [grunty gnawing] 762 00:44:42,346 --> 00:44:45,516 And I bet in Australia, they call them rubbish burglars. 763 00:44:45,975 --> 00:44:48,769 And they are so, so sexy. 764 00:44:49,353 --> 00:44:51,063 And another thing about raccoons... 765 00:44:51,147 --> 00:44:54,066 And we've lived together ever since. 766 00:44:55,151 --> 00:44:57,737 [applause] 767 00:45:01,824 --> 00:45:06,120 And then a letter comes in the mail from some mailman. 768 00:45:06,662 --> 00:45:10,917 Because we don't have $2,500, we're gonna lose our home. 769 00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:16,339 ♪ Oh, George, I'm so depressed That we're moving out ♪ 770 00:45:16,422 --> 00:45:21,302 [harmonizing] 771 00:45:21,385 --> 00:45:23,596 OK, all right, that was interesting. 772 00:45:24,805 --> 00:45:27,016 I got a few big problems with that, Gil. 773 00:45:27,099 --> 00:45:30,311 First off, we do not have the rights to Bill Joel's "Movin' Out." 774 00:45:30,937 --> 00:45:33,397 Right, that's why I yodeled it. 775 00:45:35,483 --> 00:45:37,860 That was way too big of a line reading. 776 00:45:37,944 --> 00:45:40,029 So don't do it again. 777 00:45:40,112 --> 00:45:42,782 Oh, yeah, sure, of course. 778 00:45:42,865 --> 00:45:43,950 [clears throat] 779 00:45:44,033 --> 00:45:47,453 Um, if we're doing feedback, I-I was thinking, 780 00:45:47,536 --> 00:45:51,040 maybe you don't have to give me notes during the play. 781 00:45:54,293 --> 00:45:55,294 Oh! 782 00:45:57,171 --> 00:45:59,507 - Oh, big kid, huh? - No... 783 00:46:00,299 --> 00:46:03,803 Oh, big Gil rides a big wheel now, huh? 784 00:46:04,470 --> 00:46:06,472 No, no, no, hey, I like it. 785 00:46:06,806 --> 00:46:09,392 Uh, Let me ask you a question. 786 00:46:09,850 --> 00:46:14,397 You don't want to blow this the way you did CBS, do you? 787 00:46:14,689 --> 00:46:16,232 [audience oohs] 788 00:46:16,315 --> 00:46:17,650 No. 789 00:46:18,693 --> 00:46:22,697 You think if you OD'd tomorrow anyone would give a shit? 790 00:46:24,740 --> 00:46:27,535 You're God's born loser, you know that? 791 00:46:27,618 --> 00:46:30,538 You are God... No. No escape. Hey, no, no! 792 00:46:32,248 --> 00:46:33,290 [clears throat] 793 00:46:34,083 --> 00:46:36,836 Look, we both said a lot of hurtful things, OK? 794 00:46:39,130 --> 00:46:42,383 But we got a nice audience, so just please, cheer up, Gil. 795 00:46:42,466 --> 00:46:45,344 Do Mike Jackson, do King Pop. Come on, Jackson. 796 00:46:46,762 --> 00:46:48,264 Yeah! 797 00:46:48,347 --> 00:46:49,432 [mimics camera clicks] 798 00:46:49,515 --> 00:46:53,102 - Mike Jackson. - I want to hang a baby over a balcony. 799 00:46:54,020 --> 00:46:56,480 That was the funniest thing that ever happened. 800 00:46:57,106 --> 00:46:58,899 There's only one way back, Mike. 801 00:46:58,983 --> 00:46:59,984 Yes. 802 00:47:00,818 --> 00:47:02,319 - Mike Jackson. - Yeah. 803 00:47:02,403 --> 00:47:05,281 - You got good at that. - I want to walk on the moon one day. 804 00:47:05,364 --> 00:47:06,991 Oh, that's sad. OK. 805 00:47:08,284 --> 00:47:11,871 Let's slip right back in, OK. I don't think the audience knows. 806 00:47:12,955 --> 00:47:17,084 And then a letter comes in the mail from some mailman. 807 00:47:17,168 --> 00:47:21,672 Because we don't have $2,500, we're gonna lose our home. 808 00:47:21,756 --> 00:47:25,217 Oh, George, I'm so depressed that we're moving out. 809 00:47:25,301 --> 00:47:26,552 So am I. 810 00:47:26,635 --> 00:47:27,928 But you know what? 811 00:47:28,012 --> 00:47:29,513 Let's not be depressed. 812 00:47:30,181 --> 00:47:33,517 If this is our last stay in New York, let's have some fun. 813 00:47:34,143 --> 00:47:35,770 I was thinking. 814 00:47:35,853 --> 00:47:40,066 What if we went down to the old WOLO Studios 815 00:47:40,149 --> 00:47:43,402 and taped a little episode of You Know What. 816 00:47:43,486 --> 00:47:44,570 You Know What? 817 00:47:44,653 --> 00:47:48,491 Our game show that contestants had to guess what you knew? 818 00:47:49,742 --> 00:47:52,787 That was such a vague and hard game show. 819 00:47:53,287 --> 00:47:57,541 'Cause we never narrowed it down what it was, I could know. 820 00:47:57,625 --> 00:48:01,420 And the one time that guy guessed it, I lied. 821 00:48:02,922 --> 00:48:07,384 No, fat feet, I'm talking about our other show. 822 00:48:08,969 --> 00:48:12,807 [mood music plays] 823 00:48:16,560 --> 00:48:20,648 We take you now to a big midtown New York City diner, 824 00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:23,234 where even ice cream tastes bad. 825 00:48:24,735 --> 00:48:27,029 Everyone there is ugly. 826 00:48:27,988 --> 00:48:32,201 Do you know what I mean? Every single person... 827 00:48:32,827 --> 00:48:34,411 in their own way... 828 00:48:35,371 --> 00:48:36,997 is ugly. 829 00:48:37,414 --> 00:48:41,335 The menu is like, 19 pages long. 830 00:48:41,418 --> 00:48:45,714 And even though it's a diner, it has stuff like lobster on it. 831 00:48:46,090 --> 00:48:51,470 And you're almost tempted to order it to see just what would happen. 832 00:48:53,347 --> 00:48:55,766 We see beautiful Gil Stone. 833 00:48:55,850 --> 00:49:00,354 Because he's in a diner, he eats like he's in a 70's movie. 834 00:49:07,486 --> 00:49:10,364 Hey, sweetheart, bring me chicken cacciatore 835 00:49:10,447 --> 00:49:12,950 or another food that doesn't exist anymore. 836 00:49:14,243 --> 00:49:17,371 Hey, darling, could I get a 1970s coffee, 837 00:49:17,454 --> 00:49:21,041 so watery and gray and a gun next to it on the table. 838 00:49:21,959 --> 00:49:25,462 Hey, dear, bring me a half cantaloupe, scoop cottage cheese, 839 00:49:25,546 --> 00:49:27,590 and a side steak Diane. 840 00:49:28,591 --> 00:49:30,634 Oh, shit, shit, we're live. 841 00:49:30,718 --> 00:49:31,886 [clears throat] 842 00:49:31,969 --> 00:49:35,472 [both] Oh, hello. 843 00:49:37,975 --> 00:49:40,352 [woman] ♪ Too Much Tuna ♪ 844 00:49:41,770 --> 00:49:43,105 [applause] 845 00:49:48,068 --> 00:49:50,738 Oh, hello and welcome to Too Much Tuna 846 00:49:50,821 --> 00:49:54,116 on WOLO Public Access. 847 00:49:54,617 --> 00:49:56,619 We welcome all of our viewers. 848 00:49:56,702 --> 00:49:59,413 Whether you're a cat, alone in an apartment. 849 00:49:59,830 --> 00:50:02,041 Or a Honduran cleaning woman 850 00:50:02,124 --> 00:50:05,669 who is not sure if she's allowed to change the channel. 851 00:50:07,338 --> 00:50:10,007 We welcome both of our viewers. 852 00:50:10,090 --> 00:50:12,009 Too Much Tuna is a prank show... 853 00:50:12,092 --> 00:50:15,804 - Eh, eh! - Oh, shit. Can't say? Right. Take two. 854 00:50:15,888 --> 00:50:18,432 - Too Much Tuna is a talk show - Yeah! 855 00:50:18,515 --> 00:50:20,309 - With no prank element. - No, no. 856 00:50:20,392 --> 00:50:24,021 We merely interview the greatest personalities in New York 857 00:50:24,104 --> 00:50:27,733 and they don't at all get a huge fucking tuna comeuppance. 858 00:50:29,902 --> 00:50:32,947 This is our final episode of Too Much Tuna ever 859 00:50:33,030 --> 00:50:36,450 as we're being forced to leave our apartment in Manhattan. 860 00:50:36,533 --> 00:50:40,037 But for our final episode ever, we have a very special guest. 861 00:50:40,120 --> 00:50:42,289 - We really do. - He's a good guest. 862 00:50:42,373 --> 00:50:45,125 - He's a great guest. Sort of good get. - It's a good get. 863 00:50:45,209 --> 00:50:48,337 He began as a writer on the Smothers Brothers' comedy hour, 864 00:50:48,420 --> 00:50:50,839 and since then, he's been one of the rising stars 865 00:50:50,923 --> 00:50:52,758 in the world of entertainment. 866 00:50:52,841 --> 00:50:55,052 Please welcome, Steve Martin. 867 00:50:55,803 --> 00:50:58,180 [applause] 868 00:51:05,354 --> 00:51:08,274 Bye, thanks for coming. God bless you, thank you. 869 00:51:08,357 --> 00:51:11,110 Thank you. Thank you. 870 00:51:13,153 --> 00:51:14,238 Thank you. 871 00:51:24,790 --> 00:51:27,084 ♪ Too Much Tuna ♪ 872 00:51:27,167 --> 00:51:29,336 ♪ Welcome Steve to Too Much Tuna ♪ 873 00:51:29,420 --> 00:51:31,463 ♪ Welcome Steve to Too Much Tuna ♪ 874 00:51:32,339 --> 00:51:33,674 How long do I need to do that? 875 00:51:33,757 --> 00:51:34,758 [cheering] 876 00:51:34,883 --> 00:51:36,010 [Gil] Come on! 877 00:51:37,886 --> 00:51:39,013 [Steve] Thank you. 878 00:51:42,516 --> 00:51:43,517 Yeah, your belt? 879 00:51:43,600 --> 00:51:46,645 - I look great with this... - Yeah, you do. You want to untie... 880 00:51:46,729 --> 00:51:49,940 I'm actually already wearing a mic because I always wear a mic. 881 00:51:50,024 --> 00:51:53,736 - You never know. You want me to do this? - Sure. Oh, yeah, go ahead. 882 00:51:53,819 --> 00:51:54,862 Let me get in there. 883 00:51:54,945 --> 00:51:57,364 - Like you dress. - Yes. Oh, thank you. 884 00:51:57,448 --> 00:51:59,033 Yeah, I look like you now. 885 00:51:59,116 --> 00:52:00,743 - I don't want that button. - No, OK. 886 00:52:00,826 --> 00:52:02,411 You want to leave it open? 887 00:52:02,494 --> 00:52:04,872 - You know, I've been around. - Yes, OK. 888 00:52:04,955 --> 00:52:06,874 Oh, no. We know. 889 00:52:10,294 --> 00:52:12,046 - What a joy. - Yeah. 890 00:52:12,129 --> 00:52:14,923 By the way, the sound is great. 891 00:52:15,507 --> 00:52:18,886 - Good, that's good to hear. - Thank you for that measured compliment. 892 00:52:21,263 --> 00:52:25,184 Let's put it this way, I have great hopes from here on out. 893 00:52:25,267 --> 00:52:26,727 Oh, that's so nice. 894 00:52:26,810 --> 00:52:29,772 You yourself are a playwright of some great esteem. 895 00:52:29,855 --> 00:52:31,231 Well, thank you very much. 896 00:52:31,315 --> 00:52:33,859 - But I think you've nailed it. - Thank you. 897 00:52:33,942 --> 00:52:37,237 - You nailed the essence of playwriting. - Thank you. 898 00:52:37,321 --> 00:52:39,448 By the way, you know what Mike Nichols told me once. 899 00:52:39,531 --> 00:52:42,201 - He said, there was the... - Oh, you drop something. 900 00:52:44,953 --> 00:52:48,332 Jesus Christ. Two minutes in to the interview. 901 00:52:50,084 --> 00:52:52,336 - Not that Mike Nichols. - Oh, all right. 902 00:52:53,045 --> 00:52:58,300 He told me that RKO Pictures had a philosophy that if... 903 00:52:58,384 --> 00:53:02,179 In their movies, when the phone rang, if the news was sad, 904 00:53:02,262 --> 00:53:03,764 you answer the phone happy. 905 00:53:03,847 --> 00:53:06,558 And if the news was happy, you answer the phone sad. 906 00:53:06,642 --> 00:53:08,102 I don't understand. 907 00:53:09,311 --> 00:53:11,939 - Can I see an example of this? - Yes. Where's the phone? 908 00:53:12,022 --> 00:53:14,650 Let's get Steve a phone, OK. 909 00:53:15,025 --> 00:53:16,610 Here we go. 910 00:53:17,194 --> 00:53:19,655 Do you want to do a cross? Or do you want to be seated? 911 00:53:19,738 --> 00:53:20,739 How do you wanna do this? 912 00:53:20,823 --> 00:53:22,908 I think I have to cross. We have to be talking. 913 00:53:22,991 --> 00:53:24,493 Is the news happy or sad? 914 00:53:24,868 --> 00:53:26,662 - It's gonna be sad. - It's gonna be sad. 915 00:53:26,745 --> 00:53:28,455 Oh, that's so... 916 00:53:28,539 --> 00:53:31,500 I know, it was so great. That was so funny... 917 00:53:31,583 --> 00:53:32,793 Sorry. 918 00:53:35,796 --> 00:53:36,964 OK! 919 00:53:38,966 --> 00:53:41,135 Action one. Action one. 920 00:53:42,719 --> 00:53:45,722 - I think to be fair, I should... - Yes, OK. 921 00:53:45,806 --> 00:53:48,976 I'm much worse in quiet banter than he is, but I'll do my best. 922 00:53:49,059 --> 00:53:50,602 I will do my best, OK. 923 00:53:50,727 --> 00:53:52,729 Ba, ba, ba, ba... 924 00:53:55,983 --> 00:53:57,568 Oh, my God. 925 00:53:57,651 --> 00:54:00,571 Oh, my God. I was so... 926 00:54:01,238 --> 00:54:02,281 She is? 927 00:54:06,785 --> 00:54:09,037 Did I tell you who told me that story? 928 00:54:09,121 --> 00:54:10,539 - Who was that? - Mike Nichols. 929 00:54:10,622 --> 00:54:12,207 Oh, my God! 930 00:54:12,291 --> 00:54:14,877 Mike Nichols his podiatrist on 83rd Street. 931 00:54:15,794 --> 00:54:18,505 - Let's keep it. - You want to keep it? 932 00:54:18,589 --> 00:54:21,925 - First of all, I'm taking it. - You're taking it? You're welcome to it. 933 00:54:22,009 --> 00:54:24,803 Everyone, by the way, take anything you want. 934 00:54:24,887 --> 00:54:26,305 Anything you guys want. 935 00:54:26,388 --> 00:54:28,307 Do you have any memorabilia from films, 936 00:54:28,390 --> 00:54:30,034 things you've taken that are special to you? 937 00:54:30,058 --> 00:54:32,352 - Yes. - Would you name them now? 938 00:54:32,436 --> 00:54:33,479 Oh! 939 00:54:34,855 --> 00:54:36,982 I have my Three Amigos outfit. 940 00:54:40,027 --> 00:54:42,696 - Do you ever put it on? - Do I ever put it on? 941 00:54:42,779 --> 00:54:45,657 - You ever wear it? - I don't want to go there now. 942 00:54:46,825 --> 00:54:49,203 - You could be deported very quickly. - [Gil]Yeah! 943 00:54:50,704 --> 00:54:52,372 [applause] 944 00:54:54,833 --> 00:54:57,419 - You know, Trump is doing a remake. - Oh, he is? 945 00:54:57,503 --> 00:54:59,087 Yeah, it's called No Amigos. 946 00:55:01,298 --> 00:55:02,299 [Steve] Yeah. 947 00:55:03,800 --> 00:55:05,844 Did you ever know Trump in your dealings... 948 00:55:05,928 --> 00:55:08,764 - I never met him, no. - Never? 949 00:55:08,847 --> 00:55:11,475 He wasn't at New Yorker cocktail parties? 950 00:55:12,809 --> 00:55:14,269 - No. - No? 951 00:55:14,978 --> 00:55:17,731 - That would be very unlikely, wouldn't it? - Yes, it would. 952 00:55:17,814 --> 00:55:20,859 And you never went to Maxim Hottest 100 parties. 953 00:55:22,611 --> 00:55:25,155 - But you are an art collector. - Yes, that's... 954 00:55:25,239 --> 00:55:29,159 Well, I have collected a few paintings uh, through my life. 955 00:55:29,701 --> 00:55:34,206 I'm happy to say that I've actually earned more money doing that than show business. 956 00:55:34,289 --> 00:55:36,375 - Really? - No, I'm kidding. 957 00:55:37,751 --> 00:55:38,794 Hello, who's that guy? 958 00:55:40,504 --> 00:55:42,589 Did Jews not control the world of art? 959 00:55:43,966 --> 00:55:46,593 - Do people think you're Jewish or no? - No, they don't. 960 00:55:46,677 --> 00:55:48,095 Oh, congratulations. 961 00:55:50,138 --> 00:55:53,225 I can honestly say that not one person. 962 00:55:53,308 --> 00:55:55,894 You've never been stopped on the street? "You Jewish?" 963 00:55:55,978 --> 00:55:57,896 - "You Jewish?" - No. 964 00:56:00,023 --> 00:56:02,609 Presbyterians don't do that? "You Presbyterian? 965 00:56:03,193 --> 00:56:04,945 We need 10 Presbyterians 966 00:56:05,028 --> 00:56:07,068 to make a mayonnaise sandwich, please come with us." 967 00:56:10,284 --> 00:56:13,704 There's always a crisis with Jews on the street. 968 00:56:13,787 --> 00:56:15,664 Are you a religious man? 969 00:56:15,747 --> 00:56:17,416 - No, not at all. - No? 970 00:56:17,499 --> 00:56:22,629 - Did you ever believe in God? - Probably when I was a young kid. 971 00:56:22,713 --> 00:56:24,339 But no more. 972 00:56:24,423 --> 00:56:26,550 Was magic... Was it because you believe in magic? 973 00:56:30,387 --> 00:56:34,850 Yes, learning... When I realized card tricks were actually a trick, 974 00:56:34,933 --> 00:56:37,102 - I said, there must be no God. - Yes. 975 00:56:38,729 --> 00:56:43,191 You started re-reading Jesus' miracles and you're like, "I know how to do that." 976 00:56:44,610 --> 00:56:46,737 Plexiglass under the water. 977 00:56:47,154 --> 00:56:50,032 You just break a fish up into a bunch of different pieces. 978 00:56:50,949 --> 00:56:53,452 - Or palming a fish. - Yeah, you palm a fish and... 979 00:56:53,785 --> 00:56:55,412 Oh, look what I have here. 980 00:56:56,163 --> 00:56:59,791 What was your first trick you learned? Do you remember? 981 00:56:59,875 --> 00:57:01,460 That's really private. 982 00:57:03,879 --> 00:57:07,007 No, I don't. I can't remember that. 983 00:57:07,299 --> 00:57:09,134 It was probably a store-bought trick. 984 00:57:10,093 --> 00:57:11,803 Not just simple slight of hand? 985 00:57:11,887 --> 00:57:13,555 Well, I learned that later. Yeah. 986 00:57:13,639 --> 00:57:16,284 - Do you still know slight of hand? - I still know a little bit of it. 987 00:57:16,308 --> 00:57:18,310 - Could you do it with a French fry? - Sure. 988 00:57:21,438 --> 00:57:23,899 [applause] 989 00:57:34,618 --> 00:57:36,119 It's OK. It's OK. 990 00:57:36,662 --> 00:57:37,996 It's OK. 991 00:57:39,706 --> 00:57:40,749 It's OK. 992 00:57:40,999 --> 00:57:42,542 It's for you. 993 00:57:43,752 --> 00:57:45,212 Yeah, that's right. 994 00:57:45,796 --> 00:57:47,089 Oh, OK. 995 00:57:49,007 --> 00:57:51,218 - You have a child now. - I do. 996 00:57:51,301 --> 00:57:54,596 So what is it, like money wise? I mean, is it tighter now? 997 00:57:57,557 --> 00:57:59,267 She's paying her own way. 998 00:57:59,351 --> 00:58:00,769 Oh, that's great. 999 00:58:00,852 --> 00:58:04,815 Already working. That's wonderful. That's so cool. 1000 00:58:05,273 --> 00:58:07,317 And what do you do for fun? 1001 00:58:07,401 --> 00:58:10,028 I'm a comedian, actor, writer, yeah. 1002 00:58:10,112 --> 00:58:11,530 [blabbering] 1003 00:58:11,613 --> 00:58:15,867 You know, which one do you love the most? 1004 00:58:17,744 --> 00:58:22,499 When you're doing an amphitheater, Steve Martin, 1979. 1005 00:58:22,582 --> 00:58:25,544 You're doing an amphitheater. You're doing a Hollywood Bowl. 1006 00:58:25,627 --> 00:58:27,587 What are you making for that night? 1007 00:58:29,840 --> 00:58:34,219 Well, in those days, I was criticized for charging a high price. 1008 00:58:34,302 --> 00:58:35,679 - What was that? - Ten dollars. 1009 00:58:36,763 --> 00:58:38,432 - You know how much these... - I know. 1010 00:58:41,852 --> 00:58:44,730 I've been trying to get into your show for so long, 1011 00:58:44,813 --> 00:58:46,940 and I could not get a free ticket. 1012 00:58:48,525 --> 00:58:50,986 And then tonight, you said, if I could come on stage with you. 1013 00:58:51,069 --> 00:58:53,280 You had to sell a Picasso to get in here. 1014 00:58:55,032 --> 00:58:56,825 You did that... You wrote... 1015 00:59:02,247 --> 00:59:04,416 - No, let him struggle. - My answer is... 1016 00:59:04,499 --> 00:59:06,460 Uh, uh, uh. 1017 00:59:07,419 --> 00:59:09,838 Picasso at the Lapin Agile, 1018 00:59:09,921 --> 00:59:12,758 This is a play you wrote. I'm ramping into something. 1019 00:59:12,841 --> 00:59:14,926 Wow, you made a great transition. 1020 00:59:16,595 --> 00:59:19,639 He's covering for me because I couldn't remember Lapin Agile, 1021 00:59:20,557 --> 00:59:23,351 - Yeah. What were you gonna say? - Picasso at the Bistro. 1022 00:59:24,936 --> 00:59:27,689 I was gonna say Picasso at Au Bon Pain. 1023 00:59:28,982 --> 00:59:32,110 Which is a French expression for breakfast at LaGuardia. 1024 00:59:38,575 --> 00:59:42,037 How did you first hear about that this was a historical instance 1025 00:59:42,120 --> 00:59:44,623 of Einstein and Picasso meeting at a bar. 1026 00:59:44,706 --> 00:59:47,793 - It's a made-up. - It's made-up? 1027 00:59:47,876 --> 00:59:49,669 They never met, as far as I know. 1028 00:59:49,753 --> 00:59:51,481 - They didn't meet? - No, I don't think they ever met. 1029 00:59:51,505 --> 00:59:52,815 I thought the whole thing was that they met... 1030 00:59:52,839 --> 00:59:55,008 Well, it's called a play! 1031 00:59:56,551 --> 00:59:58,553 - Yeah. - I mean, is this real? 1032 00:59:58,637 --> 01:00:00,639 - OK, I'm sorry. - I don't know. 1033 01:00:03,683 --> 01:00:04,935 It is? 1034 01:00:07,187 --> 01:00:09,898 By the way, how do we get Uber on this? 1035 01:00:11,149 --> 01:00:13,151 - You do Uber? - I do, yeah. 1036 01:00:13,235 --> 01:00:14,653 What's your address? 1037 01:00:17,989 --> 01:00:20,033 Now, Steve, here we are... 1038 01:00:20,117 --> 01:00:21,701 akumenang.com 1039 01:00:23,537 --> 01:00:27,457 Steve, here we are. We've been eating our French fries and our fake hamburger, 1040 01:00:27,541 --> 01:00:30,001 and you have not had a single bite... 1041 01:00:30,085 --> 01:00:32,420 - [rousing music plays] - Oh, my God! 1042 01:00:32,504 --> 01:00:33,797 [Gil] Steve, Steve. 1043 01:00:33,880 --> 01:00:35,549 [George] This has never happened before. 1044 01:00:35,632 --> 01:00:38,009 [Gil] This has never happened before in our lives. 1045 01:00:39,177 --> 01:00:40,846 - And look what has... - Yes! 1046 01:00:42,639 --> 01:00:44,224 Oh, my God. 1047 01:00:44,683 --> 01:00:46,560 ♪ Too Much Tuna ♪ 1048 01:00:46,643 --> 01:00:47,686 Steve! 1049 01:00:47,769 --> 01:00:50,772 Steve, what has just descended from this prop 1050 01:00:50,856 --> 01:00:53,942 that we stole from Angels in America? 1051 01:00:54,734 --> 01:00:57,112 At first, I thought it was a Rauschenberg. 1052 01:00:57,237 --> 01:00:58,488 No, it's... 1053 01:01:00,740 --> 01:01:04,536 Look at the size of that thing. Look at this. 1054 01:01:04,619 --> 01:01:07,372 Look at this fucking Botero in front of you, huh? 1055 01:01:08,290 --> 01:01:09,332 Look at the size of this. 1056 01:01:09,416 --> 01:01:11,960 - It has a wonderful aroma too. - Yes. 1057 01:01:12,878 --> 01:01:15,672 What we do is, it's mayonnaise and tuna fish, 1058 01:01:15,755 --> 01:01:19,176 and we prepare it and then we put it under the lights at 5 p.m. 1059 01:01:21,344 --> 01:01:22,929 And it looks like... 1060 01:01:23,013 --> 01:01:25,056 - You keep moving it away from you. - Yeah. 1061 01:01:25,932 --> 01:01:27,684 - It's my subconscious. - I know it is. 1062 01:01:28,101 --> 01:01:30,061 We modeled it after... 1063 01:01:30,812 --> 01:01:33,982 Well, it's Chris Christie's gunt, is what it is. 1064 01:01:34,691 --> 01:01:38,445 I don't know if you saw when Chris Christie wore a baseball uniform, 1065 01:01:38,528 --> 01:01:42,908 but he really squeezed into it just like that. 1066 01:01:43,450 --> 01:01:46,203 I wish the audience could see what I'm seeing. 1067 01:01:46,286 --> 01:01:47,579 Yes. [laughs] 1068 01:01:49,664 --> 01:01:52,459 It's like the Kandinsky is painted on two sides. 1069 01:01:52,542 --> 01:01:54,211 Yeah, it's a Kandinsky. 1070 01:01:54,294 --> 01:01:56,338 Pretty smart, huh, Steve? 1071 01:01:57,797 --> 01:01:59,591 The play and the painting. 1072 01:02:00,008 --> 01:02:01,051 Well... 1073 01:02:02,052 --> 01:02:03,511 Do you like tuna fish? 1074 01:02:03,678 --> 01:02:04,721 Uh... 1075 01:02:04,804 --> 01:02:09,267 I like tuna fish, but I like it with pine nuts. 1076 01:02:09,351 --> 01:02:12,062 - Oh, pine nuts. - We don't have that. 1077 01:02:12,145 --> 01:02:15,232 - I like it with avocado. - Avocado is nice. 1078 01:02:15,315 --> 01:02:18,443 - And some may object, mustard. - You like a little mustard? 1079 01:02:18,526 --> 01:02:22,447 I have learned that the worst thing about a tuna sandwich is tuna. 1080 01:02:22,572 --> 01:02:23,949 Yeah! 1081 01:02:24,115 --> 01:02:25,742 Well, unfortunately for you, 1082 01:02:25,825 --> 01:02:29,079 you got a big fucking mountain of it in front of you now. 1083 01:02:29,496 --> 01:02:32,040 I have to say that this actually, too much tuna for me. 1084 01:02:32,123 --> 01:02:34,793 Yay! 1085 01:02:35,293 --> 01:02:36,920 ♪ Too Much Tuna ♪ 1086 01:02:38,588 --> 01:02:41,299 - Steve Martin, everybody. - Steve Martin, everybody. 1087 01:02:42,509 --> 01:02:44,177 Thank you, thank you, thank you. 1088 01:02:44,261 --> 01:02:48,139 - Have a wonderful night. - I'm stealing this out of your pocket. 1089 01:02:48,223 --> 01:02:50,558 - I'll keep my mic. - You want to keep your mic? 1090 01:02:50,642 --> 01:02:53,353 I'm gonna keep my mic so I can comment for the audience. 1091 01:02:53,436 --> 01:02:58,525 Keep your mic and whenever you think something is not funny, let us know. 1092 01:02:58,608 --> 01:03:00,902 - Ladies and gentlemen... - People around me now. 1093 01:03:00,986 --> 01:03:04,614 Yes, Steve Martin, everybody! 1094 01:03:04,698 --> 01:03:06,449 ♪ Too Much Tuna ♪ 1095 01:03:07,951 --> 01:03:08,952 [applause] 1096 01:03:17,294 --> 01:03:19,754 Steve just whispered to us. 1097 01:03:19,838 --> 01:03:22,799 He will be in the lobby after the show, 1098 01:03:23,341 --> 01:03:26,052 talking about the early days. 1099 01:03:26,970 --> 01:03:29,389 And also, what a great guy. 1100 01:03:29,472 --> 01:03:31,891 He would like to take a cellphone picture with you. 1101 01:03:32,017 --> 01:03:33,143 Yes. 1102 01:03:33,852 --> 01:03:36,980 But he said, "Make sure to give your camera 1103 01:03:37,063 --> 01:03:39,941 to someone who doesn't know how to use it." 1104 01:03:40,608 --> 01:03:44,988 You know, Steve, there's a wonderful story behind the expression, too much tuna. 1105 01:03:45,071 --> 01:03:47,824 You see, years ago, we used to drink tunatinis. 1106 01:03:47,907 --> 01:03:50,410 Yeah, that's it. Tuna-fish-based Martini. 1107 01:03:50,827 --> 01:03:53,246 Otherwise known as the Martuna. 1108 01:03:53,330 --> 01:03:57,625 Or as it was known in the lesbian community, the Martuna Navratilova. 1109 01:03:58,918 --> 01:04:01,004 The point is, we would drink fish. 1110 01:04:01,087 --> 01:04:05,884 And one day, the bartender made a mistake and Gil famously said, 1111 01:04:05,967 --> 01:04:09,596 "There's too much tuna on my tunatini, 1112 01:04:09,679 --> 01:04:13,308 but his Martuna needs more tuna," 1113 01:04:13,391 --> 01:04:15,518 and we laughed over it. 1114 01:04:15,977 --> 01:04:17,020 And you know, Steve, 1115 01:04:17,103 --> 01:04:20,148 we submitted that to the Talk of the Town, and the New Yorker magazine, 1116 01:04:20,231 --> 01:04:22,567 and they canceled our subscription. 1117 01:04:23,735 --> 01:04:26,696 One more time for Mr. Steve Martin. 1118 01:04:27,530 --> 01:04:28,823 [applause] 1119 01:04:30,742 --> 01:04:32,327 Fabulous job, yo. 1120 01:04:35,038 --> 01:04:38,041 And now, back to the play. 1121 01:04:38,124 --> 01:04:41,211 Actually, George, can we just take five minutes? My stomach's a little... 1122 01:04:41,294 --> 01:04:42,629 No, I'm good. 1123 01:04:43,963 --> 01:04:47,008 George and Gil had been evicted from their apartment, 1124 01:04:47,092 --> 01:04:50,387 despite having several adult children with guest rooms. 1125 01:04:50,470 --> 01:04:53,223 They are living in Riverside Park. 1126 01:04:53,807 --> 01:04:56,309 [both] Oh, fuck. 1127 01:04:57,644 --> 01:04:59,479 Can't believe we're living on a park bench. 1128 01:04:59,562 --> 01:05:01,731 We could be living in the subway tunnel 1129 01:05:01,815 --> 01:05:04,234 if you hadn't blown it with the mole people. 1130 01:05:04,984 --> 01:05:08,613 Living in the park isn't so bad. I've met someone. 1131 01:05:08,696 --> 01:05:11,491 She's gorgeous. Simply glamorous. 1132 01:05:11,574 --> 01:05:14,411 Her name is Lisa. She's a raccoon. 1133 01:05:15,537 --> 01:05:17,914 A new raccoon, how did you meet this one? 1134 01:05:17,997 --> 01:05:19,999 At the garbage can. 1135 01:05:20,083 --> 01:05:22,877 We're both eating the same piece of pizza from either side, 1136 01:05:22,961 --> 01:05:24,546 kind of like Lady and the Tramp. 1137 01:05:24,629 --> 01:05:25,839 That's adorable. 1138 01:05:25,922 --> 01:05:28,591 But in this case, I end up having sex with the raccoon. 1139 01:05:29,551 --> 01:05:32,303 You know, it's an open park, I saw it. 1140 01:05:33,721 --> 01:05:37,016 - That's New York, you know what I mean? - OK. 1141 01:05:39,185 --> 01:05:43,815 New York used to be a city for artists and people who claim to be artists, 1142 01:05:43,898 --> 01:05:46,443 but those days are gone. 1143 01:05:46,526 --> 01:05:50,572 I hate to be the first to say it, but New York has changed. 1144 01:05:52,157 --> 01:05:56,661 Remember the way this city used to be in the 1970's? 1145 01:05:56,744 --> 01:05:59,789 The 1970's? Boy, do I? 1146 01:05:59,914 --> 01:06:03,251 [music plays] 1147 01:06:05,044 --> 01:06:10,216 Late 1970's, New York is a bankrupt, crime-ridden mess, and it is awesome! 1148 01:06:10,592 --> 01:06:13,136 Tires roll down the street on fire. 1149 01:06:13,219 --> 01:06:15,972 And inside of those tires, babies with knives. 1150 01:06:17,974 --> 01:06:22,103 The 1970's, Broadway theater is a hellhole. 1151 01:06:22,187 --> 01:06:24,147 There's no Disney theater. 1152 01:06:24,230 --> 01:06:26,900 Disney is just a man in California, 1153 01:06:26,983 --> 01:06:30,695 trying to freeze himself so he can outlive the Jews. 1154 01:06:31,905 --> 01:06:33,281 Flash forward. 1155 01:06:34,032 --> 01:06:35,658 The 1980's. 1156 01:06:35,742 --> 01:06:37,368 [rock music plays] 1157 01:06:37,452 --> 01:06:39,496 Ed Koch. Ed Koch. 1158 01:06:39,579 --> 01:06:44,334 New York City mayor, Ed Koch rules New York with a limp fist. 1159 01:06:45,084 --> 01:06:47,420 Sexual politics are changing. 1160 01:06:47,504 --> 01:06:52,300 Gil and I go down to the drag queen shows made famous in Paris Is Burning. 1161 01:06:52,634 --> 01:06:55,178 God, those were some great-looking girls. 1162 01:06:56,095 --> 01:06:57,680 Those are guys, George. 1163 01:06:57,764 --> 01:07:00,099 They were girls, remember, they were in dresses. 1164 01:07:00,183 --> 01:07:02,644 No, they were drag queens, those were men dress... 1165 01:07:02,727 --> 01:07:04,771 No, no, no. I blew a girl. 1166 01:07:07,857 --> 01:07:09,734 Wait a second. 1167 01:07:09,817 --> 01:07:11,569 Where did I park? 1168 01:07:13,279 --> 01:07:15,156 Flash forward, 1989. 1169 01:07:15,240 --> 01:07:17,200 The Berlin Wall falls. 1170 01:07:17,283 --> 01:07:20,703 People in gray coats hugging people in beige coats. 1171 01:07:21,079 --> 01:07:22,872 Everybody ugly. 1172 01:07:23,957 --> 01:07:27,043 But the Iron Curtain crumbles, so that many years later, 1173 01:07:27,126 --> 01:07:31,089 Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump can ride shirtless on horseback 1174 01:07:31,172 --> 01:07:33,841 over the charred remains of humanity. 1175 01:07:35,176 --> 01:07:36,469 Flash forward. 1176 01:07:37,387 --> 01:07:39,514 The 1990's. 1177 01:07:39,681 --> 01:07:41,057 [music plays] 1178 01:07:41,307 --> 01:07:43,977 Mad About You, pesto sauce, 1179 01:07:44,435 --> 01:07:50,024 O. J. Simpson breaks his 45-year no-killing streak. 1180 01:07:51,401 --> 01:07:55,363 O. J. Simpson kills those two people so hard, 1181 01:07:55,697 --> 01:07:59,033 they stopped making the Ford Bronco. 1182 01:08:00,326 --> 01:08:03,746 Can you imagine doing something so fucked up, 1183 01:08:03,830 --> 01:08:06,249 there's no more Toyota Camry? 1184 01:08:06,499 --> 01:08:09,043 [fast beats] 1185 01:08:12,714 --> 01:08:14,632 Meanwhile on the East Coast, 1186 01:08:15,008 --> 01:08:17,719 Sieg heil, Rudy Giuliani 1187 01:08:17,802 --> 01:08:21,389 rules New York with his Gestapo-like tactics. 1188 01:08:21,472 --> 01:08:25,393 Excuse me, the guy gets rid of all the pornography in Times Square, 1189 01:08:25,476 --> 01:08:28,813 now you got to walk one block west to 8th Avenue? 1190 01:08:29,981 --> 01:08:32,233 And now 8th Avenue is this cesspool. 1191 01:08:32,317 --> 01:08:35,361 You go to 44th and 8th to that hand-job parlor? 1192 01:08:35,445 --> 01:08:37,947 What's it called again, Shake Shack? 1193 01:08:38,031 --> 01:08:39,324 [music stops] 1194 01:08:39,407 --> 01:08:42,535 Oh, yeah, come in our Wacky Shack and we'll shake you off, 1195 01:08:42,619 --> 01:08:45,496 and there's a line of goddamn families going out of there? 1196 01:08:45,580 --> 01:08:50,084 While you're waiting, here's a vibrating butt plug to stick up your tush. 1197 01:08:50,168 --> 01:08:53,921 So I take this nasty thing and shove it in my prostate, 1198 01:08:54,005 --> 01:08:55,923 while I give myself a shake off. 1199 01:08:56,007 --> 01:08:58,468 And I'm the one that gets thrown out? 1200 01:09:00,178 --> 01:09:04,724 But Rudy Giuliani, he truly was the hero of 9-11 1201 01:09:04,807 --> 01:09:08,478 because no one else was mayor that day. 1202 01:09:11,856 --> 01:09:13,316 September 11th 1203 01:09:14,859 --> 01:09:18,821 through September 19th, 2012. 1204 01:09:19,572 --> 01:09:23,576 Steely Dan plays the Beacon Theater 1205 01:09:23,660 --> 01:09:26,245 for nine straight nights, 1206 01:09:26,329 --> 01:09:29,707 and their sound fills the New York air. 1207 01:09:30,124 --> 01:09:33,044 [both] ♪ Talking 'bout Sweet Rosalie ♪ 1208 01:09:33,127 --> 01:09:36,631 ♪ She’s workin’ at the five and dime ♪ 1209 01:09:36,714 --> 01:09:38,216 [mimics guitar] 1210 01:09:40,093 --> 01:09:45,598 ♪ Train back to Hackensack with rosemary wine ♪ 1211 01:09:46,057 --> 01:09:49,435 [yodeling] 1212 01:09:49,644 --> 01:09:51,979 ♪ I'm sad, cocaine ♪ 1213 01:09:52,063 --> 01:09:53,272 ♪ Snort ♪ 1214 01:09:53,356 --> 01:09:59,445 ♪ We both like to do cocaine ♪ 1215 01:10:00,154 --> 01:10:02,365 [both] Oh, shit. 1216 01:10:03,449 --> 01:10:06,703 I'm starting to think that song doesn't even exist. 1217 01:10:07,912 --> 01:10:10,998 Maybe it was just a dream, like our time in Manhattan. 1218 01:10:11,082 --> 01:10:12,125 [phone rings] 1219 01:10:12,208 --> 01:10:13,793 Suddenly, there is a phone call. 1220 01:10:13,876 --> 01:10:17,839 Gil rises and cross the stage right to answer the telephone. 1221 01:10:18,423 --> 01:10:22,385 But he does not lift the receiver 1222 01:10:22,802 --> 01:10:26,556 and the sound effect continues until he does, 1223 01:10:26,639 --> 01:10:29,267 - so this time, Ravi waits. - Oh! 1224 01:10:34,939 --> 01:10:36,065 [ringing continues] 1225 01:10:36,274 --> 01:10:37,984 [audience laugh out] 1226 01:10:38,735 --> 01:10:41,988 You're like genuinely a poor man's Steve Martin. 1227 01:10:49,287 --> 01:10:51,164 Yeah, all right. 1228 01:10:51,247 --> 01:10:54,459 May I ask... Give me some examples. 1229 01:10:54,542 --> 01:10:56,961 Gray hair to gray hair. 1230 01:10:57,044 --> 01:11:01,090 Someone who, in his case, actually does a number of things. 1231 01:11:01,174 --> 01:11:02,842 And I am literally poor. 1232 01:11:02,925 --> 01:11:05,094 You're someone who claims to be, playwright. 1233 01:11:05,178 --> 01:11:07,054 This is our first successful show. 1234 01:11:07,138 --> 01:11:09,807 - You believe that now? - After all the ones we've had. 1235 01:11:09,891 --> 01:11:12,769 My version of The Color Purple was good. 1236 01:11:14,061 --> 01:11:15,563 It was a one-man show, though. 1237 01:11:15,646 --> 01:11:16,731 It was a one-man show 1238 01:11:16,814 --> 01:11:19,358 called The Color Purple where I just wear a cock ring. 1239 01:11:19,609 --> 01:11:20,651 Yeah. 1240 01:11:22,361 --> 01:11:26,741 And then remember when I directed that version of Bye Bye Birdie 1241 01:11:26,824 --> 01:11:29,285 sponsored by Grindr called Bye Bi-Curious. 1242 01:11:29,368 --> 01:11:30,495 Yeah. 1243 01:11:31,829 --> 01:11:36,751 Maybe Steve would help us out with our Terri Schiavo musical. 1244 01:11:37,251 --> 01:11:38,461 [ringing continues] 1245 01:11:39,128 --> 01:11:41,756 - You mean You Snooze, You Lose? - Yeah. 1246 01:11:42,924 --> 01:11:44,217 Let me get the phone. 1247 01:11:44,509 --> 01:11:46,052 [laughs] 1248 01:11:48,054 --> 01:11:51,724 [mock sobbing] 1249 01:11:51,808 --> 01:11:53,059 Oh, hello? 1250 01:11:53,976 --> 01:11:56,145 The head of New York One? 1251 01:11:56,854 --> 01:11:58,439 That's who you are. 1252 01:11:59,524 --> 01:12:01,901 You saw Too Much Tuna, you loved it, 1253 01:12:01,984 --> 01:12:03,820 you want to make it into a TV show 1254 01:12:03,903 --> 01:12:07,365 and pay us enough money that we can afford our rent and then some? 1255 01:12:07,865 --> 01:12:11,285 Well, head of New York One, I'm happy to say to you, 1256 01:12:11,369 --> 01:12:12,912 no, thanks, bye. 1257 01:12:13,412 --> 01:12:15,248 What? "No, thanks, bye"? 1258 01:12:15,331 --> 01:12:18,167 We just get offered enough money to save our apartment 1259 01:12:18,251 --> 01:12:21,462 by doing Too Much Tuna, and you say, "No, thanks, bye"? 1260 01:12:21,546 --> 01:12:23,714 I'm not some corporate stooge, George! 1261 01:12:23,798 --> 01:12:27,218 Jesus Christ! Again with our character differences? 1262 01:12:28,010 --> 01:12:29,387 [audience laugh] 1263 01:12:30,429 --> 01:12:33,808 - I haven't been totally honest with you. - Be completely candid. 1264 01:12:34,225 --> 01:12:35,935 I don't want to leave the park. 1265 01:12:36,018 --> 01:12:38,688 Things are getting pretty serious with me and Lisa. 1266 01:12:39,522 --> 01:12:42,191 You know, she is becoming a Yoko between us. 1267 01:12:42,275 --> 01:12:44,777 A raccoon Yoko. A raccoko! 1268 01:12:45,945 --> 01:12:47,196 - Break up with her. - I can't. 1269 01:12:47,280 --> 01:12:49,991 - Kick her to the curb. - No, they love the curb. 1270 01:12:51,784 --> 01:12:55,121 Just dump her. She's a raccoon. She's a piece of trash. 1271 01:12:55,204 --> 01:12:57,290 George, she's pregnant! 1272 01:12:58,499 --> 01:13:02,003 Lisa is pregnant and it's my raccoon baby. 1273 01:13:02,837 --> 01:13:04,922 You didn't wear any protection? 1274 01:13:05,006 --> 01:13:06,924 She said she was on the pill. 1275 01:13:07,008 --> 01:13:08,843 Think back, did she? 1276 01:13:08,926 --> 01:13:12,138 It's possible that I just saw her eating Advil out of a puddle. 1277 01:13:13,514 --> 01:13:15,391 What are we gonna do? Kill her, skip town? 1278 01:13:15,474 --> 01:13:17,768 No! I'm gonna marry her, George! 1279 01:13:17,852 --> 01:13:19,937 But you're Jewish and she's a raccoon. 1280 01:13:20,605 --> 01:13:22,356 She wants to convert. 1281 01:13:22,857 --> 01:13:25,776 She's taking classes with a Rabbi. 1282 01:13:26,611 --> 01:13:30,364 The raccoon and the Rabbi sit across a desk from each other? 1283 01:13:30,448 --> 01:13:33,951 That's like every New Yorker cartoon pushed together. 1284 01:13:35,661 --> 01:13:37,663 - I'm happy for you. - Thanks. 1285 01:13:38,706 --> 01:13:43,210 It's just, I've never had money before and I want some. 1286 01:13:43,878 --> 01:13:45,630 There's things I want to buy. 1287 01:13:45,713 --> 01:13:46,714 [melodramatic music] 1288 01:13:46,797 --> 01:13:50,551 Things I've never told anyone about before. 1289 01:13:51,719 --> 01:13:53,179 Like what, George? 1290 01:13:55,014 --> 01:13:58,893 I want to lease on all-new Kia Sorento. 1291 01:13:59,936 --> 01:14:02,271 I want to buy a ThunderShirt. 1292 01:14:02,647 --> 01:14:06,651 It's a shirt you wrap around a dog who's freaking out, 1293 01:14:06,734 --> 01:14:10,821 and the dog stops freaking out, for the most part. 1294 01:14:10,905 --> 01:14:12,990 The dog still shakes a little. 1295 01:14:15,159 --> 01:14:18,371 These two things I desire... 1296 01:14:20,831 --> 01:14:24,001 Oh, George, I had no idea. 1297 01:14:24,377 --> 01:14:26,253 How can I ever tell anyone? 1298 01:14:26,921 --> 01:14:32,301 Growing up in my family, boys didn't lease Sorentos. 1299 01:14:32,385 --> 01:14:35,054 'Cause Kia wasn't a car brand yet. 1300 01:14:35,137 --> 01:14:39,141 It's such a recent brand. I didn't know. 1301 01:14:39,225 --> 01:14:43,104 All right, I'll do Too Much Tuna on New York One with you. 1302 01:14:43,187 --> 01:14:44,605 All right, Gil... 1303 01:14:45,648 --> 01:14:46,899 But wait a moment. 1304 01:14:47,483 --> 01:14:49,902 You're so quick to leave the park. 1305 01:14:50,695 --> 01:14:52,655 Is everything OK with Lisa? 1306 01:14:53,656 --> 01:14:55,992 George, I just got a text message. 1307 01:14:56,367 --> 01:15:00,204 It turns out that Lisa is a possum with a burglar mask on! 1308 01:15:02,331 --> 01:15:04,208 - Again? - Thrice! 1309 01:15:05,459 --> 01:15:08,754 Thrice I've been doped by false possums. 1310 01:15:09,588 --> 01:15:13,592 Cheer up, Gil, 'cause we're gonna be on New York One. 1311 01:15:13,676 --> 01:15:18,723 The channel that comes on automatically when you restart your cable box. 1312 01:15:18,806 --> 01:15:24,186 New York One, the number one channel chronologically! 1313 01:15:24,478 --> 01:15:26,981 [high note] 1314 01:15:31,527 --> 01:15:34,405 We are now at the midpoint of Act One. 1315 01:15:36,282 --> 01:15:41,328 At this point in the play, we're gonna add a surrealist ballet. 1316 01:15:41,412 --> 01:15:43,831 Now, this is in hopes of winning 1317 01:15:43,914 --> 01:15:47,334 the newly-created Tony Award for choreography 1318 01:15:47,418 --> 01:15:50,254 during a limited run vanity project. 1319 01:15:51,213 --> 01:15:53,466 And we now humbly present, 1320 01:15:53,549 --> 01:15:56,886 Gil and George's dream dance sequence, 1321 01:15:56,969 --> 01:15:59,638 which will take you and us 1322 01:15:59,722 --> 01:16:02,850 way, way, way out of our comfort zones. 1323 01:16:07,646 --> 01:16:10,691 This dance was choreographed by an old Asian woman 1324 01:16:10,775 --> 01:16:13,277 doing tai chi in Prospect Park. 1325 01:16:14,361 --> 01:16:20,785 George and Gil descend the stairs like two walking Swastikas. 1326 01:16:22,161 --> 01:16:27,124 We are now in that cemetery that you see on the way to LaGuardia. 1327 01:16:29,418 --> 01:16:32,171 [making airplane noises] 1328 01:16:34,590 --> 01:16:37,510 We see the grave of Ed Koch. 1329 01:16:38,010 --> 01:16:39,970 The grave of Ed Koch, 1330 01:16:40,054 --> 01:16:43,432 a symbol of a New York that has died. 1331 01:16:43,516 --> 01:16:48,229 But from LaGuardia, we see the beautiful New York skyline, 1332 01:16:48,312 --> 01:16:51,941 with the paternal light phallus of the Empire State Building. 1333 01:16:52,024 --> 01:16:57,613 Work it. And the maternal light nipples of the San Remo apartment towers. 1334 01:16:58,030 --> 01:17:00,991 Oh, my God, look at the audience getting all turned on. 1335 01:17:01,075 --> 01:17:03,994 Like they're at a regional production of Chicago. 1336 01:17:04,787 --> 01:17:08,541 The front row trying to hide their boners under a mountain of dry ice. 1337 01:17:08,624 --> 01:17:11,168 You know, this is not a sex show. 1338 01:17:11,252 --> 01:17:14,797 - This is primal art. - This is prehistoric. 1339 01:17:16,132 --> 01:17:19,176 Mother, Father. 1340 01:17:19,260 --> 01:17:22,138 Mother, Father. 1341 01:17:22,221 --> 01:17:25,141 Mother, Father. 1342 01:17:25,224 --> 01:17:26,976 And baby? 1343 01:17:29,103 --> 01:17:32,189 We see a tuna baby, we must go to it. 1344 01:17:33,649 --> 01:17:36,110 We go to care for our tuna baby, but... 1345 01:17:36,193 --> 01:17:38,529 [tuna laughs] 1346 01:17:38,612 --> 01:17:40,281 The baby is demonic. 1347 01:17:40,364 --> 01:17:42,533 The baby is possessed by the devil 1348 01:17:42,616 --> 01:17:45,452 like when Mia Farrow had that evil child. 1349 01:17:45,870 --> 01:17:47,580 - Soon-Yi? - Correct. 1350 01:17:48,289 --> 01:17:51,834 After a solid Soon-Yi burn, we run. 1351 01:17:52,710 --> 01:17:56,172 - Gil, where are you? - Where is my friend George? 1352 01:17:56,255 --> 01:17:59,675 Gil, save yourself. Fly away. 1353 01:17:59,758 --> 01:18:03,470 Oh, no. I don't need to fly. I'll just run with you. It's fine. 1354 01:18:03,554 --> 01:18:08,309 You remember, if you believe, you can fly! 1355 01:18:08,392 --> 01:18:10,311 George, I'm not really strapped in. 1356 01:18:10,394 --> 01:18:13,272 It's not a good idea. Fuck it, no. I'm not gonna do it. 1357 01:18:13,355 --> 01:18:16,275 I saw too many productions of Spider-Man where a guy died. 1358 01:18:16,358 --> 01:18:17,776 I'm not doing it. 1359 01:18:18,194 --> 01:18:23,073 Fine. Gil and George are now safe from the tuna monster. 1360 01:18:25,534 --> 01:18:28,370 [roar] 1361 01:18:30,164 --> 01:18:35,753 [both] This looks expensive. 1362 01:18:35,878 --> 01:18:38,505 [cackling] 1363 01:18:42,134 --> 01:18:47,598 That's Too Much Tuna... 1364 01:18:47,681 --> 01:18:50,517 trademark. 1365 01:18:54,355 --> 01:18:57,650 There's so much production value. 1366 01:18:59,151 --> 01:19:02,821 George and Gil are now legitimately dizzy so they take a knee. 1367 01:19:02,905 --> 01:19:06,033 And then a bridge pose, and then a Martha Graham, 1368 01:19:06,116 --> 01:19:07,993 and then we lay down. 1369 01:19:09,286 --> 01:19:13,874 [applause] 1370 01:19:19,171 --> 01:19:20,339 George... 1371 01:19:20,422 --> 01:19:24,843 George and Gil now rest in real time for, like, two minutes. 1372 01:19:26,553 --> 01:19:27,930 Ravi. 1373 01:19:28,305 --> 01:19:29,682 Ravi. 1374 01:19:30,140 --> 01:19:31,558 It's George. 1375 01:19:32,184 --> 01:19:33,769 I'm on the floor. 1376 01:19:34,520 --> 01:19:36,689 My blood sugar is crashing. 1377 01:19:37,022 --> 01:19:41,777 Could you go get me a Ferrero Rocher chocolate? 1378 01:19:42,486 --> 01:19:46,282 Or a Lindt Lindor truffle? 1379 01:19:47,032 --> 01:19:50,452 My favorite flavor is blue. 1380 01:19:54,832 --> 01:19:58,544 Ravi, it's Gil Faizon, charmed I'm sure. 1381 01:19:59,086 --> 01:20:00,963 Would you go to a bodega for me 1382 01:20:01,046 --> 01:20:04,800 and get me a box of Kashi Good Friends Cereal? 1383 01:20:05,384 --> 01:20:09,138 The highest, dustiest box you can find. 1384 01:20:10,806 --> 01:20:12,141 Ravi. 1385 01:20:12,683 --> 01:20:14,852 It's George, I'm on the floor. 1386 01:20:15,519 --> 01:20:18,230 I need you to go to Just Salad, 1387 01:20:19,106 --> 01:20:22,735 at like, 1 p.m. when they're at their busiest. 1388 01:20:23,319 --> 01:20:27,781 And just get on line and be like, "Now, let's see, how does this work?" 1389 01:20:33,037 --> 01:20:34,663 Ravi, it's Gil Faizon. 1390 01:20:34,747 --> 01:20:38,584 Will you go to Chipotle and get me a big bowl of Ebola? 1391 01:20:40,836 --> 01:20:42,796 Ravi! 1392 01:20:43,422 --> 01:20:46,967 Will you go to every pizza place in New York 1393 01:20:47,051 --> 01:20:51,430 and bring me the most sun-faded headshot of Danny Aiello? 1394 01:20:57,478 --> 01:21:00,356 Ravi, it's Gil Faizon, charmed, I'm on the floor. 1395 01:21:01,065 --> 01:21:03,442 Will you go to the Magnolia Bakery 1396 01:21:03,525 --> 01:21:06,278 as featured in the Sex and the City walking tour 1397 01:21:06,362 --> 01:21:08,030 and just open fire? 1398 01:21:13,535 --> 01:21:15,204 Ravi! 1399 01:21:15,954 --> 01:21:20,376 Will you go to Long Island City, Queens, 'cause I won't. 1400 01:21:24,797 --> 01:21:27,466 OK, nap time is over. 1401 01:21:27,549 --> 01:21:29,343 Flash forward. 1402 01:21:29,426 --> 01:21:31,512 One year later. 1403 01:21:32,930 --> 01:21:36,892 George and Gil are on New York One and living on top of the world. 1404 01:21:37,351 --> 01:21:40,896 Gil can not stand up because he has polenta body. 1405 01:21:40,979 --> 01:21:43,357 Meaning, it all holds together 1406 01:21:43,440 --> 01:21:46,693 but it's soft and absorbs tomato sauce. 1407 01:21:47,027 --> 01:21:50,948 Gil is now standing like a toddler in a YouTube video. 1408 01:21:52,449 --> 01:21:54,618 Flash forward, one year later. 1409 01:21:54,701 --> 01:21:58,455 Too Much Tuna is the huge hit show in the whole Tri State Area, 1410 01:21:58,539 --> 01:22:01,125 and George and Gil are living the high life. 1411 01:22:01,208 --> 01:22:04,753 They can get a table at the La Famiglia Pizza in the port authority 1412 01:22:04,837 --> 01:22:06,213 any time they want. 1413 01:22:07,840 --> 01:22:11,176 George can finally afford to fly JetBlue Mint 1414 01:22:11,260 --> 01:22:14,096 from JFK all the way to LaGuardia. 1415 01:22:15,431 --> 01:22:19,268 And Gil fulfills his life-long dream of trying biscotti, 1416 01:22:19,351 --> 01:22:21,061 and it is not worth it. 1417 01:22:23,647 --> 01:22:25,274 George re-enters 1418 01:22:25,357 --> 01:22:30,487 in a look that can only be described as pussy safari. 1419 01:22:31,655 --> 01:22:33,157 [techno music] 1420 01:22:36,869 --> 01:22:41,123 We are now on the set of the corporate and successful Too Much Tuna. 1421 01:22:41,206 --> 01:22:44,293 God, people treat me so differently now that I'm famous. 1422 01:22:44,376 --> 01:22:49,047 It's like suddenly, jewelry stores do have a bathroom I can use. 1423 01:22:49,882 --> 01:22:51,758 Hey, what's up, everything? 1424 01:22:52,217 --> 01:22:54,511 - Hey, space grandma. - Oh, hi. 1425 01:22:55,554 --> 01:22:58,348 Oh, good you got the craft services that I like. 1426 01:22:58,432 --> 01:23:01,143 Watermelon that's been in the fridge for three weeks, 1427 01:23:01,226 --> 01:23:03,937 so that when you eat it, it's like spicy. 1428 01:23:05,022 --> 01:23:06,899 Hey, Gil, let's take a press photo. 1429 01:23:06,982 --> 01:23:08,150 [camera clicks] 1430 01:23:08,317 --> 01:23:10,986 We're gonna be on the cover of Wired magazine 1431 01:23:11,069 --> 01:23:13,155 because anyone can be. 1432 01:23:14,198 --> 01:23:15,908 Things really are changing. 1433 01:23:15,991 --> 01:23:18,452 You know that black high school that I walk by? 1434 01:23:18,535 --> 01:23:21,955 The kids used to scream, "Hey, shiboy fruity booty" or 1435 01:23:22,039 --> 01:23:24,500 "Look at that mop-looking motherfucker." 1436 01:23:25,626 --> 01:23:28,462 Now when I walk by, they all just cackle and scream, 1437 01:23:29,129 --> 01:23:31,256 "That cream-a-wheat nigga got a TV show." 1438 01:23:32,299 --> 01:23:34,593 All right, let's get to work, everyone. 1439 01:23:34,676 --> 01:23:36,512 Now that our mascot has arrived. 1440 01:23:36,595 --> 01:23:40,891 - Hey, what's up, Tony? - Hello, Tony Tuna, how was your weekend? 1441 01:23:40,974 --> 01:23:43,644 Oh, my God, he's using again. 1442 01:23:44,394 --> 01:23:47,231 I didn't want to say anything but he's not going to meetings any more. 1443 01:23:47,314 --> 01:23:48,357 Jesus! 1444 01:23:48,440 --> 01:23:51,318 It's that new girlfriend of his. She's helping him do the cocaine. 1445 01:23:51,401 --> 01:23:53,403 - 'Cause he ain't got no arms. - Who, Tony? 1446 01:23:53,487 --> 01:23:55,656 - No, he's a sandwich with eyeballs. - [phone rings] 1447 01:23:56,823 --> 01:23:58,867 - Oh, hello? - Oh, hello? 1448 01:24:00,494 --> 01:24:03,413 What? No, New York One, please, that's unacceptable. 1449 01:24:03,497 --> 01:24:06,041 What? This isn't a cellphone? 1450 01:24:08,502 --> 01:24:11,505 Did you hear what New York One is gonna do to our show? 1451 01:24:11,588 --> 01:24:15,968 They want to turn us into clam show called "That's A Lot-o Clamato"? 1452 01:24:16,385 --> 01:24:18,095 Which is a terrible title. 1453 01:24:18,178 --> 01:24:22,140 I would call it, "You Got Clam Juice, You White Trash Idiot." 1454 01:24:24,142 --> 01:24:25,519 George, uh, 1455 01:24:25,602 --> 01:24:28,522 I don't know if you remember but I said, I got to be Gil, 1456 01:24:28,605 --> 01:24:32,651 I got to get out of this rat race. I won't work for Clamato. 1457 01:24:32,734 --> 01:24:34,152 Then neither of us will. 1458 01:24:34,653 --> 01:24:37,948 Gil, we're gonna confront the president of New York One, 1459 01:24:38,031 --> 01:24:40,784 and tell him our integrity is not for sale. 1460 01:24:40,867 --> 01:24:43,579 Great! So let's take the subway, the 4-5? 1461 01:24:43,662 --> 01:24:47,040 No, let's take the R and then walk. 1462 01:24:47,457 --> 01:24:48,625 Shake! 1463 01:24:48,750 --> 01:24:49,751 [dramatic music] 1464 01:24:56,425 --> 01:24:58,635 The climax of the play. 1465 01:24:59,136 --> 01:25:03,849 We are now in the plush, billion-dollar headquarters of New York One. 1466 01:25:04,349 --> 01:25:05,809 There's a glass trophy case, 1467 01:25:05,892 --> 01:25:09,146 filled with Xeroxes of other people's Emmy Awards. 1468 01:25:09,938 --> 01:25:11,440 - George... - Gil and... 1469 01:25:11,523 --> 01:25:14,192 Gil and George, armed with their integrity, 1470 01:25:14,276 --> 01:25:18,071 - are ready to do battle with the evil... - George, please, I just need... 1471 01:25:18,155 --> 01:25:20,282 with the evil network president, 1472 01:25:20,365 --> 01:25:23,619 who, tonight, in a very special treat for us, 1473 01:25:23,702 --> 01:25:25,203 and for everyone here, 1474 01:25:25,287 --> 01:25:29,666 is played by Broadway legend, Mr. Matthew Broderick! 1475 01:25:30,417 --> 01:25:32,210 - Hold! - Hold? Shit! 1476 01:25:32,294 --> 01:25:35,297 Matthew, no. Don't come out. We're on a hold. 1477 01:25:35,380 --> 01:25:36,590 What's the hold? 1478 01:25:36,673 --> 01:25:38,216 I got to go to the bathroom. 1479 01:25:38,300 --> 01:25:41,595 - No, you're gonna hold it. - I've been holding it since Steve Martin. 1480 01:25:42,763 --> 01:25:44,723 Please. Please, do not do this to us, OK? 1481 01:25:44,806 --> 01:25:47,017 You're an adult. You can control your bowels. 1482 01:25:47,100 --> 01:25:48,894 No, it's getting pointy. 1483 01:25:49,186 --> 01:25:50,604 [audience laugh] 1484 01:25:54,149 --> 01:25:56,026 Can we just take an intermission? 1485 01:25:56,109 --> 01:25:58,195 No! No fucking intermission! 1486 01:25:58,278 --> 01:26:00,197 They ruin the flow of the show. 1487 01:26:00,280 --> 01:26:03,950 Would you stop the Super Bowl halfway through to do a bunch of bullshit? 1488 01:26:07,162 --> 01:26:09,956 You are not leaving to go to the bathroom. 1489 01:26:18,048 --> 01:26:20,717 [moans softly] 1490 01:26:20,801 --> 01:26:22,219 OK, I don't... 1491 01:26:23,637 --> 01:26:26,056 I don't need to go to the bathroom anymore. 1492 01:26:26,890 --> 01:26:29,226 Come here. Let me talk to you a bit. Come here. 1493 01:26:29,309 --> 01:26:32,270 Did you just take a shit in your show corduroys? 1494 01:26:32,354 --> 01:26:35,190 Did you just take a shit in your show corduroys? 1495 01:26:35,273 --> 01:26:36,775 No! 1496 01:26:36,858 --> 01:26:38,276 Goddammit! 1497 01:26:38,360 --> 01:26:40,320 We don't have doubles of those! 1498 01:26:40,862 --> 01:26:42,364 Lights, Ravi. 1499 01:26:42,739 --> 01:26:43,782 What? 1500 01:26:46,076 --> 01:26:48,370 George Reddington wouldn't call for the lights. 1501 01:26:48,453 --> 01:26:50,330 I am not George Reddington anymore. 1502 01:26:50,414 --> 01:26:52,999 I am George St. Geegland and you are Gil Faizon, 1503 01:26:53,083 --> 01:26:55,502 and this is over because you ruined it! 1504 01:26:56,002 --> 01:26:58,672 Matthew Broderick is waiting right behind that door. 1505 01:26:58,755 --> 01:27:01,091 Waiting to come out and act, and you ruined it! 1506 01:27:01,174 --> 01:27:03,051 George, I'm a Peter Pan. 1507 01:27:03,135 --> 01:27:06,805 I don't know when I'm gonna grow up or when I'm gonna go to the bathroom. 1508 01:27:06,888 --> 01:27:09,683 It's what makes me so charmed, I'm sure. 1509 01:27:11,184 --> 01:27:14,771 Except you're not charming, Gil. 1510 01:27:14,938 --> 01:27:17,733 Richard Dreyfuss, he's charming. 1511 01:27:18,191 --> 01:27:20,444 But you're an immature idiot. 1512 01:27:20,527 --> 01:27:24,781 I can not believe the CBS people wanted to give you that voice-over job! 1513 01:27:28,285 --> 01:27:29,703 What did you just say? 1514 01:27:31,663 --> 01:27:33,081 N-Nothing. 1515 01:27:33,457 --> 01:27:36,460 You just said CBS wanted me for the voice-over job? 1516 01:27:37,210 --> 01:27:40,756 No, I'm just delirious. 1517 01:27:42,007 --> 01:27:43,759 I'm so sick. 1518 01:27:44,801 --> 01:27:48,680 That's not gonna work on me. I know that's sheep dog blood. 1519 01:27:57,814 --> 01:28:00,776 OK, if I were you, I would just drop this right now. 1520 01:28:00,859 --> 01:28:04,654 How can I drop this, George? It was a life-changing opportunity for me. 1521 01:28:04,738 --> 01:28:08,450 Just drop it, before I have to start screaming revelations. 1522 01:28:08,533 --> 01:28:10,827 - I can handle it. - You booked it! 1523 01:28:10,911 --> 01:28:13,455 You booked the CBS voice-over job! You booked it! 1524 01:28:13,538 --> 01:28:16,625 And I took the message and I lied to you! 1525 01:28:17,125 --> 01:28:20,462 I lied to my best friend and I loved every second of it! 1526 01:28:21,588 --> 01:28:23,632 Is that what you wanted to hear, huh? 1527 01:28:26,301 --> 01:28:29,012 You wanted to hear how fucked up I am inside? 1528 01:28:35,811 --> 01:28:37,229 Which take? 1529 01:28:38,814 --> 01:28:40,440 - Why does it matter? - George? 1530 01:28:41,191 --> 01:28:44,611 At least do me the service of telling me, 1531 01:28:45,070 --> 01:28:48,448 which take the CBS higher ups responded to? 1532 01:28:49,741 --> 01:28:51,993 The first or the second, George? 1533 01:28:53,370 --> 01:28:56,790 Only because I know how much you appreciate feedback. 1534 01:28:58,959 --> 01:29:02,838 Most of the higher ups responded to the first take. 1535 01:29:03,797 --> 01:29:07,634 This is [high pitched] CBS, baby! 1536 01:29:07,717 --> 01:29:09,803 You go too big. You go too big. 1537 01:29:09,886 --> 01:29:12,764 You've always gone too big. You would have embarrassed yourself. 1538 01:29:12,848 --> 01:29:16,017 - And I was protecting you. - Protecting me, from what? 1539 01:29:16,101 --> 01:29:19,354 I'm the strongest actor in New York, your words. 1540 01:29:22,816 --> 01:29:25,569 I was lying to you, Gil. 1541 01:29:25,652 --> 01:29:27,737 [crowd awes] 1542 01:29:29,239 --> 01:29:33,618 You thought you were the strongest actor in New York? 1543 01:29:34,494 --> 01:29:37,247 There's like seven guys ahead of you. 1544 01:29:38,123 --> 01:29:41,001 - Name one. - Bobby Cannavale, Stanley Tucci, 1545 01:29:41,084 --> 01:29:42,627 Oliver Platt, Liev Schreiber, 1546 01:29:42,711 --> 01:29:44,921 Vincent D'Onofrio, Nathan Lane, Griffin Dunne. 1547 01:29:45,005 --> 01:29:47,757 No, excuse me. Griffin Dunne is not New York-based. 1548 01:29:47,841 --> 01:29:49,884 What the fuck did you just say? 1549 01:29:51,261 --> 01:29:54,139 Oh, I'm sorry, 'cause the last time I checked, 1550 01:29:54,222 --> 01:29:56,641 Griffin Dunne lived in Rhinebeck 1551 01:29:56,725 --> 01:30:01,187 and could be in Manhattan in an hour and 15 minutes! 1552 01:30:01,271 --> 01:30:04,608 And every fucking casting director in town knows it, 1553 01:30:04,691 --> 01:30:06,860 so how dare you pretend not to? 1554 01:30:07,110 --> 01:30:09,988 How dare you fucking pretend not to know 1555 01:30:10,071 --> 01:30:12,657 where goddamn Griffin Dunne lives? 1556 01:30:19,205 --> 01:30:20,749 No. No. 1557 01:30:22,459 --> 01:30:23,877 George, if you... 1558 01:30:23,960 --> 01:30:25,462 [groans] 1559 01:30:28,006 --> 01:30:30,550 If you don't apologize to me right now, then, 1560 01:30:30,634 --> 01:30:33,053 I walk, this play is over! 1561 01:30:45,398 --> 01:30:47,233 If you had booked that job, 1562 01:30:48,109 --> 01:30:50,362 we would have hung out less. 1563 01:30:52,238 --> 01:30:54,449 I am never apologizing. 1564 01:30:56,701 --> 01:30:58,620 Then I guess I'll say my goodbyes. 1565 01:31:05,960 --> 01:31:07,045 Goodbye. 1566 01:31:09,506 --> 01:31:11,049 Thanks for coming to the show. 1567 01:31:11,633 --> 01:31:13,473 It's nice you guys are holding hands like that. 1568 01:31:13,510 --> 01:31:15,512 You don't have to stop holding hands. 1569 01:31:16,012 --> 01:31:19,349 My guess is, you made the choice to hold hands a long time ago, 1570 01:31:19,432 --> 01:31:21,993 and then you're like, "How do we break this holding hands thing?" 1571 01:31:25,313 --> 01:31:26,523 Bye. 1572 01:31:26,606 --> 01:31:29,984 I look out in the crowd, I thought Dr. Ruth was dating Bill Clinton. 1573 01:31:41,663 --> 01:31:43,623 Goodbye, thanks for coming. Sorry. 1574 01:31:43,707 --> 01:31:46,835 Goodbye. Steve, an honor, truly. 1575 01:31:46,918 --> 01:31:48,002 Goodbye. 1576 01:31:48,753 --> 01:31:50,505 - How old are you? - Sixteen. 1577 01:31:50,588 --> 01:31:52,674 - Sixteen. How about you? - I just turned 14. 1578 01:31:52,757 --> 01:31:56,177 You just turned 14? Did you like any of this? 1579 01:32:01,599 --> 01:32:02,851 [Gil] Goodbye. 1580 01:32:05,270 --> 01:32:09,107 But I guess I'll miss you most of all, mezzanine and balcony! 1581 01:32:09,691 --> 01:32:13,153 [applause] 1582 01:32:17,949 --> 01:32:20,243 [whoops and cheers] 1583 01:32:27,000 --> 01:32:28,668 Wait, Gil, wait. 1584 01:32:30,170 --> 01:32:32,630 Go kiss your boyfriend, you homo. Fuck you. 1585 01:32:32,714 --> 01:32:34,549 You know what, I don't need you. 1586 01:32:34,632 --> 01:32:36,610 I don't need you to write for me. I don't need you at all. 1587 01:32:36,634 --> 01:32:38,261 Oh, you don't need me at all, do you? 1588 01:32:38,344 --> 01:32:41,598 - Well, tell me, how does a toaster work? - Gremlins. 1589 01:32:42,766 --> 01:32:45,143 You know what, we don't need each other. 1590 01:32:45,268 --> 01:32:48,021 [theme music plays] 1591 01:32:48,104 --> 01:32:51,191 [Gil] Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy Gil Faizon's new show 1592 01:32:51,274 --> 01:32:52,734 that he wrote himself, 1593 01:32:52,817 --> 01:32:55,737 Oh, hello and welcome to Gilspeare In The Park. 1594 01:32:55,820 --> 01:32:57,447 Today, we're doing Romeo and Juliet, 1595 01:32:57,530 --> 01:32:59,949 with me Gil Faizon, charmed I'm sure as Romeo, 1596 01:33:00,033 --> 01:33:02,202 and as Juliet, we have Lisa, the raccoon. 1597 01:33:02,285 --> 01:33:04,913 Oh, my sweet Juliet hath died. 1598 01:33:04,996 --> 01:33:07,499 I shouldn't check to see if she's just sleeping. 1599 01:33:07,582 --> 01:33:09,542 I guess I'll kill myself too. 1600 01:33:09,626 --> 01:33:12,921 Nobody else says it, but Shakespeare is a fucking hack, all right? 1601 01:33:14,005 --> 01:33:16,674 Yes, hello, ASPCA? 1602 01:33:16,758 --> 01:33:17,967 Hi, I was wondering. 1603 01:33:18,051 --> 01:33:22,347 Who do I call, if I know an adult man who fucks raccoons? 1604 01:33:23,389 --> 01:33:25,892 Oh, that's what 3-1-1 is for? Oh, OK. 1605 01:33:26,851 --> 01:33:32,398 ♪ I just met a raccoon named Lisa ♪ 1606 01:33:32,982 --> 01:33:36,361 Hey, young lady, you're 14? 1607 01:33:36,444 --> 01:33:39,447 What's your favorite Steely Dan album? 1608 01:33:40,073 --> 01:33:42,951 What, do you not know a lot about Steely Dan? 1609 01:33:43,034 --> 01:33:44,077 Ha, ha, ha. 1610 01:33:44,160 --> 01:33:45,954 Hey, ha, ha. 1611 01:33:46,079 --> 01:33:51,876 Hey, do all of you not know a lot about Steely Dan? 1612 01:33:51,960 --> 01:33:54,838 'Cause a bunch of the play... Holy shit! 1613 01:33:56,089 --> 01:33:59,342 Hey, Ravi, what are you doing after the show, you want to hang out? 1614 01:33:59,425 --> 01:34:01,886 We could go to your dorm room at NYU Tisch 1615 01:34:01,970 --> 01:34:04,597 and talk about gender fluidity. 1616 01:34:05,890 --> 01:34:08,268 [Gil] Oh, no. Oh, my. 1617 01:34:08,393 --> 01:34:09,936 [screeching] 1618 01:34:12,897 --> 01:34:16,860 [George] The original 1964 Fiddler on the Roof curtain. 1619 01:34:16,943 --> 01:34:19,279 [Gil] Have we owned this the entire time? 1620 01:34:20,572 --> 01:34:21,614 [George] Faizon. 1621 01:34:22,198 --> 01:34:23,616 Random to see you here. 1622 01:34:24,075 --> 01:34:26,286 [Gil] What's up, G St. G, how's your phone call? 1623 01:34:26,369 --> 01:34:29,205 They were good. Made a lot of friends in the audience. 1624 01:34:31,291 --> 01:34:33,042 There's no one out there for me. 1625 01:34:34,419 --> 01:34:37,881 The world just passes me by. 1626 01:34:38,423 --> 01:34:41,259 Like I have a clipboard for gay rights. 1627 01:34:41,718 --> 01:34:43,261 [audience laugh] 1628 01:34:47,640 --> 01:34:53,354 Yeah, well the band 311 called me and said I can't fuck raccoons anymore. 1629 01:35:00,653 --> 01:35:02,780 This play is a disaster. 1630 01:35:02,864 --> 01:35:06,451 You realize the audience doesn't even know who Steely Dan is. 1631 01:35:06,910 --> 01:35:08,703 They know the name Steely Dan. 1632 01:35:08,786 --> 01:35:11,497 [both] But they don't know any specifics. 1633 01:35:12,206 --> 01:35:15,335 - Even Ravi blew me off. - Dear Ravi. 1634 01:35:15,418 --> 01:35:16,961 I've been too hard on him. 1635 01:35:17,045 --> 01:35:19,964 Here, help me make amends. It's never too late. 1636 01:35:20,048 --> 01:35:23,426 - Ravi, hey, it's George. - And Gil, charmed I'm sure. 1637 01:35:23,509 --> 01:35:25,637 Ravi, we were just talking. 1638 01:35:25,720 --> 01:35:28,890 I hate to think that what I thought was our funny banter, 1639 01:35:28,973 --> 01:35:31,768 ever came off like racist abuse. 1640 01:35:32,101 --> 01:35:34,604 If it did, we're simply so sorry. 1641 01:35:34,938 --> 01:35:37,440 Would you please lift the Fiddler curtain? 1642 01:35:38,858 --> 01:35:39,901 [both] Thank you. 1643 01:35:39,984 --> 01:35:41,819 Ravi, you're a good dude. 1644 01:35:41,903 --> 01:35:46,407 Ravi, you know that letter you need for course credit on your internship? 1645 01:35:47,951 --> 01:35:50,787 We're super swamped right now. 1646 01:35:50,870 --> 01:35:54,916 It's not gonna happen, so, you know, just drop it. 1647 01:35:55,750 --> 01:35:57,085 Boundaries, man. 1648 01:36:00,254 --> 01:36:01,297 Gil? 1649 01:36:02,048 --> 01:36:06,970 I'm so sorry that I lied to you about a life-changing voice-over opportunity, 1650 01:36:07,053 --> 01:36:09,430 and then bullied you for 40 years. 1651 01:36:10,807 --> 01:36:15,728 George, I'm so sorry that I really didn't do anything wrong. 1652 01:36:17,230 --> 01:36:18,856 One day, I'll forgive you. 1653 01:36:20,650 --> 01:36:22,068 [audience] Woo! 1654 01:36:22,151 --> 01:36:25,530 [applause] 1655 01:36:27,782 --> 01:36:31,077 Gil Faizon, would you do me the honor, 1656 01:36:31,577 --> 01:36:34,998 of performing with me the final scene of this play, 1657 01:36:35,415 --> 01:36:36,874 just the way it was written? 1658 01:36:40,253 --> 01:36:41,379 All right. 1659 01:36:41,462 --> 01:36:42,714 [smooth jazz plays] 1660 01:36:42,797 --> 01:36:43,881 Meep meep. 1661 01:36:48,136 --> 01:36:50,930 Flash forward, Christmas time. 1662 01:36:51,806 --> 01:36:56,185 We're back in Gil and George's big midtown New York City diner, 1663 01:36:56,477 --> 01:37:00,565 but a lot of time has passed, everything's different now. 1664 01:37:01,024 --> 01:37:04,277 The mood is familiar, but something's off. 1665 01:37:04,652 --> 01:37:07,196 Like when your housekeeper brings her son. 1666 01:37:13,202 --> 01:37:16,914 Gil and George haven't seen each other in many years. 1667 01:37:18,416 --> 01:37:22,378 Gil's been hanging out a lot more with Tony Tuna these days. 1668 01:37:22,462 --> 01:37:25,173 Even though Tony's in and out of rehab, but... 1669 01:37:25,798 --> 01:37:27,300 Gil doesn't judge him. 1670 01:37:27,800 --> 01:37:29,927 'Cause I'm the one selling him the cocaine. 1671 01:37:32,346 --> 01:37:36,684 Oh, no, that's OK, waiter. I bring my own chair places. 1672 01:37:39,687 --> 01:37:40,938 Excuse me. 1673 01:37:41,814 --> 01:37:46,027 Has anyone ever told you that you look an awful lot like Gil Stone? 1674 01:37:46,110 --> 01:37:48,821 Yeah, I get that sometimes. [chuckles] 1675 01:37:51,657 --> 01:37:53,743 - George? - George Reddington. 1676 01:37:54,410 --> 01:37:58,164 - We were... - [both] roommates for 40 years. 1677 01:37:59,415 --> 01:38:02,460 Tony Tuna is here. He's got a mustache now. 1678 01:38:02,543 --> 01:38:04,295 To show that time has passed. 1679 01:38:06,756 --> 01:38:08,382 Wow, Gil Stone. 1680 01:38:08,466 --> 01:38:12,637 Hey, you remember all those years ago when we confronted Matthew Broderick 1681 01:38:12,720 --> 01:38:15,306 who's still waiting right behind that door. 1682 01:38:16,057 --> 01:38:19,227 And look at you now, you're in Hollywood and you're a big star. 1683 01:38:19,310 --> 01:38:22,480 I'm a star of a small action movie franchise 1684 01:38:22,563 --> 01:38:26,275 where I play a secret agent trying to protect his family called, 1685 01:38:26,359 --> 01:38:29,112 "How dare you steal my daughter?" 1686 01:38:36,536 --> 01:38:39,747 But me? You, you're the number one novelist in America. 1687 01:38:40,164 --> 01:38:45,962 I guess my young adult vampire series, Skateboard Dracula is doing pretty well. 1688 01:38:46,337 --> 01:38:50,341 Pretty well, 15 million copies in one day ain't too shabby. 1689 01:38:50,424 --> 01:38:53,344 Yeah, but most of those teens only bought the book 1690 01:38:53,427 --> 01:38:56,305 because in it, I explained how to make a bomb. 1691 01:38:57,807 --> 01:38:58,808 [tuts] 1692 01:39:01,561 --> 01:39:04,647 - Is that your new novel? - This? No. 1693 01:39:05,064 --> 01:39:07,024 A new play I'm working on. 1694 01:39:07,817 --> 01:39:10,069 Frankly, it's about me and you. 1695 01:39:10,153 --> 01:39:14,532 Well, Tony Tuna and Too Much Tuna and raccoons, 1696 01:39:15,324 --> 01:39:17,201 and finding your way in the world. 1697 01:39:27,962 --> 01:39:31,674 George, this is the best play I've ever read. 1698 01:39:32,258 --> 01:39:33,426 Thank you. 1699 01:39:33,926 --> 01:39:36,888 - I guess I just have one question. - Of course. 1700 01:39:38,598 --> 01:39:40,224 How does it end? 1701 01:39:42,310 --> 01:39:44,395 Why don't we find out together? 1702 01:39:51,152 --> 01:39:52,695 New York City. 1703 01:39:53,696 --> 01:39:55,281 A million people. 1704 01:39:59,160 --> 01:40:01,454 A million different stories. 1705 01:40:02,330 --> 01:40:06,167 And that's not even counting... the commuters. 1706 01:40:09,921 --> 01:40:12,882 Oh, waiter, I'll have... 1707 01:40:15,801 --> 01:40:20,848 Well, I'll have two more root beers, please. 1708 01:40:24,644 --> 01:40:27,396 [applause] 1709 01:40:33,319 --> 01:40:36,781 [music] 1710 01:40:48,251 --> 01:40:49,877 Ravi in the booth. 1711 01:40:50,253 --> 01:40:52,672 Mr. Steve Martin. 1712 01:40:59,011 --> 01:41:01,305 ♪ Cocaine ♪ 1713 01:41:01,722 --> 01:41:04,976 ♪ We both like to do cocaine ♪ 1714 01:41:06,018 --> 01:41:07,895 Great. That was great. 1715 01:41:07,979 --> 01:41:11,065 - Could you get us a couple of slices? - Get one for yourself. 1716 01:41:11,816 --> 01:41:13,401 - Pizza you want? - Pizza is nice. 1717 01:41:13,484 --> 01:41:14,902 You want pizza? 1718 01:41:38,884 --> 01:41:44,223 ♪ Sweet Rosalie She's workin' at the five and dime ♪ 1719 01:41:47,059 --> 01:41:52,189 ♪ Train back to Hackensack With rosemary wine ♪ 1720 01:41:52,940 --> 01:41:56,402 ♪ Yo deeedle doidle dee ♪ 1721 01:41:57,069 --> 01:41:58,946 ♪ Cocaine! ♪ 1722 01:41:59,363 --> 01:42:03,242 ♪ We both like to do cocaine ♪