0 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:10,000 1 00:00:09,148 --> 00:00:10,851 [wolf howling] 2 00:00:10,853 --> 00:00:14,691 Subtitles by explosiveskull 3 00:00:18,692 --> 00:00:21,027 ♪ 4 00:00:25,498 --> 00:00:28,635 (distant voices) Deb or Deborah, never Debbie. 5 00:00:29,836 --> 00:00:32,439 Leave the faggy ties at home, okay? 6 00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:35,674 I'm fuckin' this cat. You just hold the legs. 7 00:00:35,676 --> 00:00:36,674 Got it? 8 00:00:36,676 --> 00:00:38,643 See you never, flame sauce. 9 00:00:38,645 --> 00:00:39,677 [snoring] 10 00:00:39,679 --> 00:00:42,948 She put the MILF in Milford High. 11 00:00:42,950 --> 00:00:45,851 Now, she's behind bars! 12 00:00:45,853 --> 00:00:48,086 Debbie Ward, a former Texas Teacher of the Year... 13 00:00:48,088 --> 00:00:50,254 ...tried to rig last year's contest 14 00:00:50,256 --> 00:00:51,690 so her daughter could win. 15 00:00:51,692 --> 00:00:53,091 Ow! Shit! 16 00:00:53,093 --> 00:00:54,925 Yeah, she kidnapped her daughter's main rival, 17 00:00:54,927 --> 00:00:56,894 a Miss Bianca del Rio, 18 00:00:56,896 --> 00:00:59,531 who I was shocked to find out was a dude. 19 00:00:59,533 --> 00:01:01,565 She basically got our teacher fired 20 00:01:01,567 --> 00:01:02,634 for just being gay! 21 00:01:02,636 --> 00:01:05,202 That's when the notorious New York homosexual 22 00:01:05,204 --> 00:01:09,541 returned to Milford High as the fabulous Bianca del Rio. 23 00:01:09,543 --> 00:01:12,743 Now she don't even look like a woman! 24 00:01:12,745 --> 00:01:16,213 What kind of unnatural woman?! 25 00:01:16,215 --> 00:01:17,282 He's biting me! 26 00:01:17,284 --> 00:01:19,918 (Reporter) A snake attack at a local high school. 27 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:22,954 Did her breast implants save her life? 28 00:01:22,956 --> 00:01:23,788 [screaming] 29 00:01:23,790 --> 00:01:27,626 Then Miss del Rio got her revenge, 30 00:01:27,628 --> 00:01:29,261 and it was so good. 31 00:01:29,263 --> 00:01:30,895 This is not true! 32 00:01:30,897 --> 00:01:32,963 This is a conspiracy! 33 00:01:32,965 --> 00:01:35,032 Vice Principal Deborah Ward exposed as 34 00:01:35,034 --> 00:01:36,800 the infamous Miss First. 35 00:01:36,802 --> 00:01:39,037 Taker of underaged male virginities. 36 00:01:39,039 --> 00:01:40,704 Okay, you don't have to push me. 37 00:01:40,706 --> 00:01:43,574 That tampering Texas temptress, Debbie Ward, 38 00:01:43,576 --> 00:01:45,609 maintains her innocence. 39 00:01:45,611 --> 00:01:49,681 And to this day insists that Bianca del Rio, not she... 40 00:01:49,683 --> 00:01:54,021 ...is the one who should be locked up in the County Jail. 41 00:01:54,555 --> 00:01:55,853 Lock her up! 42 00:01:55,855 --> 00:01:57,154 Lock her up! 43 00:01:57,156 --> 00:01:59,157 Rise and shine, bitch! 44 00:01:59,159 --> 00:02:01,026 [gasps] What are you doin' here? 45 00:02:01,028 --> 00:02:02,627 You wanted me punished? 46 00:02:02,629 --> 00:02:04,499 Well, here I am. 47 00:02:05,665 --> 00:02:07,832 Who'd have thought they'd make us cellmates. 48 00:02:07,834 --> 00:02:10,101 Life's pretty fucked up, isn't it? 49 00:02:10,103 --> 00:02:11,303 This can't be happenin'. 50 00:02:11,305 --> 00:02:12,870 We're gonna be prison pals. 51 00:02:12,872 --> 00:02:14,038 We're gonna eat together. 52 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:15,973 We're gonna sleep in the same cell. 53 00:02:15,975 --> 00:02:18,679 We're gonna watch each other on the toilet. 54 00:02:19,246 --> 00:02:21,880 Help! Someone get me out of here! 55 00:02:21,882 --> 00:02:24,848 We're gonna be together a long time, you and I. 56 00:02:24,850 --> 00:02:26,250 No hard feelings, Debbie. 57 00:02:26,252 --> 00:02:28,286 I might even give you a makeover. 58 00:02:28,288 --> 00:02:31,089 You'd look really pretty bald. [chuckles] 59 00:02:31,091 --> 00:02:33,725 Now, make sure no one's coming, 60 00:02:33,727 --> 00:02:36,727 ‘cause I've got to take a huge dump, 61 00:02:36,729 --> 00:02:39,263 and boy is it is gonna stink! 62 00:02:39,265 --> 00:02:41,968 [screaming loudly] 63 00:02:45,838 --> 00:02:47,608 Bianca! 64 00:02:52,712 --> 00:02:55,947 One more night terror for the road, I guess. 65 00:02:55,949 --> 00:02:57,151 Lucky you. 66 00:02:57,717 --> 00:02:58,750 Now get up. 67 00:02:58,752 --> 00:03:00,054 Time for your release. 68 00:03:12,164 --> 00:03:13,263 Take a seat. 69 00:03:13,265 --> 00:03:16,201 We just have some forms for you to fill out and, uh, 70 00:03:16,203 --> 00:03:19,269 a little somethin' special before you go. 71 00:03:19,271 --> 00:03:21,106 I just want to thank you. 72 00:03:21,108 --> 00:03:24,274 This whole experience has been a revelation for me. 73 00:03:24,276 --> 00:03:25,876 I'm a new woman. 74 00:03:25,878 --> 00:03:27,144 Sure you are. 75 00:03:27,146 --> 00:03:30,649 You know I was worried that bein' in solitary for so long 76 00:03:30,651 --> 00:03:33,118 that you might have missed out on some of the pleasures 77 00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:35,153 that prison life has to offer. 78 00:03:35,155 --> 00:03:37,155 Oh, but I didn't. 79 00:03:37,157 --> 00:03:38,822 That first night in solitary, 80 00:03:38,824 --> 00:03:40,792 with the cockroaches crawling around my ears, 81 00:03:40,794 --> 00:03:42,661 I didn't think I was gonna make it. 82 00:03:42,663 --> 00:03:44,828 But then, I saw him. 83 00:03:44,830 --> 00:03:46,163 Saw who? 84 00:03:46,165 --> 00:03:48,333 My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. 85 00:03:48,335 --> 00:03:51,001 I smashed a cockroach up against the wall with my bare hands 86 00:03:51,003 --> 00:03:55,006 and there he was in the goo, the face of Jesus! 87 00:03:55,008 --> 00:03:59,209 And right then, I knew I was born again. 88 00:03:59,211 --> 00:04:00,745 Again. 89 00:04:00,747 --> 00:04:02,746 Okay, I don't think that's a thing. 90 00:04:02,748 --> 00:04:03,815 Oh, it is. 91 00:04:03,817 --> 00:04:06,250 I baptized myself in the toilet just to be sure. 92 00:04:06,252 --> 00:04:07,286 And now that I'm gettin' out, 93 00:04:07,288 --> 00:04:10,354 I'm gonna do the work God intended me to do. 94 00:04:10,356 --> 00:04:12,092 Charity shit or somethin'? 95 00:04:12,925 --> 00:04:15,795 I'm gonna kill Bianca del Rio! 96 00:04:16,762 --> 00:04:18,096 Excuse me? 97 00:04:18,098 --> 00:04:19,363 With kindness. 98 00:04:19,365 --> 00:04:21,769 I'm gonna kill her with Christian kindness. 99 00:04:26,740 --> 00:04:28,809 That's one crazy bitch. 100 00:04:30,009 --> 00:04:31,879 She can't even spell. Look at this shit. 101 00:04:33,079 --> 00:04:35,348 [thunder rumbling] 102 00:04:39,452 --> 00:04:41,721 Watch out, Bianca del Rio. 103 00:04:43,023 --> 00:04:45,225 [smacks lips] I'm comin' for ya! 104 00:04:47,127 --> 00:04:48,963 Isn't anyone gonna pick me up? 105 00:04:51,764 --> 00:04:53,334 Ow! No! 106 00:04:55,769 --> 00:04:59,939 ♪ 107 00:06:27,259 --> 00:06:29,262 [maniacal laughter] 108 00:06:34,401 --> 00:06:36,237 [school bell ringing] 109 00:06:37,036 --> 00:06:37,902 No, no, Melanie. 110 00:06:37,904 --> 00:06:40,137 I'm pretty sure that the Earth is round. 111 00:06:40,139 --> 00:06:42,005 - Hey, Mr. Martinez? - Uh, yeah. 112 00:06:42,007 --> 00:06:43,841 Can you tell me about Sputnik again? 113 00:06:43,843 --> 00:06:46,010 Oh, look at you, taking interest in class. 114 00:06:46,012 --> 00:06:47,911 Isn't Sputnik Russian for potato? 115 00:06:47,913 --> 00:06:51,082 Well, actually, Sputnik was launched in 1957. 116 00:06:51,084 --> 00:06:52,317 You remember that year... 117 00:06:52,319 --> 00:06:53,985 That was the year that your grandmother slept with her uncle 118 00:06:53,987 --> 00:06:55,353 and gave birth to your dad-cousin. 119 00:06:55,355 --> 00:06:56,620 [all laughing] 120 00:06:56,622 --> 00:06:58,990 - Bye, Mr. Martinez. - Bye, kids. 121 00:06:58,992 --> 00:07:01,125 Listen, make sure you get those term papers done. 122 00:07:01,127 --> 00:07:02,627 They are due in a week. 123 00:07:02,629 --> 00:07:04,495 And I know you potheads don't want to spend 124 00:07:04,497 --> 00:07:06,467 your spring break doing homework. 125 00:07:07,067 --> 00:07:09,033 Surprise, bitch! 126 00:07:09,035 --> 00:07:12,173 Oh! Oh, ho-ho! 127 00:07:13,139 --> 00:07:14,938 What are you doing here? 128 00:07:14,940 --> 00:07:18,108 And Rex. Ooh... Ooh... 129 00:07:18,110 --> 00:07:19,944 Where is Bailey? 130 00:07:19,946 --> 00:07:22,613 Oh, honey, I left Bailey kenneled up in New York City. 131 00:07:22,615 --> 00:07:23,514 She's fine. 132 00:07:23,516 --> 00:07:25,550 But Rex here is a helpless baby person 133 00:07:25,552 --> 00:07:28,151 and she couldn't be left alone, so tada! 134 00:07:28,153 --> 00:07:31,154 [loudly] Hello, Rex. How was rehab? 135 00:07:31,156 --> 00:07:33,358 This bar looks closed. 136 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:35,093 That's ‘cause it's a high school, baby. 137 00:07:35,095 --> 00:07:36,961 You expect Rex to know what a high school is? 138 00:07:36,963 --> 00:07:39,163 He was educated in a Barbie Dream House. 139 00:07:39,165 --> 00:07:41,399 When you pull the string, the elevator goes up. 140 00:07:41,401 --> 00:07:43,433 Ooh, Science 101. 141 00:07:43,435 --> 00:07:45,469 Oh, Mama, it's gotten worse. 142 00:07:45,471 --> 00:07:47,272 I asked her for directions on the way here. 143 00:07:47,274 --> 00:07:49,307 She pointed at the windshield and said... 144 00:07:49,309 --> 00:07:51,308 We're going that way. 145 00:07:51,310 --> 00:07:54,077 Well, I'm glad to see not much has changed. 146 00:07:54,079 --> 00:07:56,313 Especially not in this small-ass Texas town. 147 00:07:56,315 --> 00:07:58,515 Bitch, it still looks like 1865. 148 00:07:58,517 --> 00:08:00,284 Why are you still here? 149 00:08:00,286 --> 00:08:02,553 Well, someone has to teach these inbred twats 150 00:08:02,555 --> 00:08:05,522 that the world is older than those pants. 151 00:08:05,524 --> 00:08:06,623 Really, girl? 152 00:08:06,625 --> 00:08:09,127 Navy blue capri-length at your age? 153 00:08:09,129 --> 00:08:10,195 My age? 154 00:08:10,197 --> 00:08:12,430 You have been gone from New York City for a while. 155 00:08:12,432 --> 00:08:14,031 These came back. 156 00:08:14,033 --> 00:08:16,601 This bar looks dead and I finished my drink. 157 00:08:16,603 --> 00:08:19,103 Wait a minute. Have you been drinking lighter fluid? 158 00:08:19,105 --> 00:08:21,538 I'm hoping that's just alcohol in a flask 159 00:08:21,540 --> 00:08:25,142 because she downed the last of my Xanax with that shit. 160 00:08:25,144 --> 00:08:27,077 Thought they were Mentos. 161 00:08:27,079 --> 00:08:28,346 The fresh maker. 162 00:08:28,348 --> 00:08:30,214 She should be dead, right? 163 00:08:30,216 --> 00:08:31,248 Years ago. 164 00:08:31,250 --> 00:08:33,584 Come on. Let's give you a ride to your place. 165 00:08:33,586 --> 00:08:35,420 Come on, girl, I got my car back! 166 00:08:35,422 --> 00:08:37,722 - Did you get your license back? - Well, technically, no. 167 00:08:37,724 --> 00:08:41,559 Oh, come on, Rex baby. Put her in back. Baby seat. 168 00:08:41,561 --> 00:08:42,893 I think the lesson is: 169 00:08:42,895 --> 00:08:46,998 make sure your husband's penis isn't inside the sink drain 170 00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:49,334 before you turn on the garbage disposal. 171 00:08:49,336 --> 00:08:51,435 Thanks for the tip! 172 00:08:51,437 --> 00:08:54,004 And later in the show we've got Marsha Marshall, 173 00:08:54,006 --> 00:08:55,973 who is gonna show us ten different ways 174 00:08:55,975 --> 00:08:58,175 to decorate your cat for Easter. 175 00:08:58,177 --> 00:08:59,344 Meow! 176 00:08:59,346 --> 00:09:03,547 But first, back in the news, in the headlines, Russia. 177 00:09:03,549 --> 00:09:05,349 Vladimir Putin has assigned 178 00:09:05,351 --> 00:09:08,453 a new Prime Minister of Homosexual Propaganda, 179 00:09:08,455 --> 00:09:10,354 Svetslap Zlopa━ 180 00:09:10,356 --> 00:09:11,756 Svetlana Zlopasnost. 181 00:09:11,758 --> 00:09:14,328 Oh! Well, there you go. That is a mouthful. 182 00:09:15,495 --> 00:09:18,128 Yikes! She looks like fun at a party. 183 00:09:18,130 --> 00:09:19,497 Unless your party is gay, 184 00:09:19,499 --> 00:09:21,598 because those are illegal! 185 00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,434 That's right, you Russian queers. 186 00:09:23,436 --> 00:09:26,704 Don't even think about decorating your cat for Easter. 187 00:09:26,706 --> 00:09:28,739 You might land in jail. [chuckles] 188 00:09:28,741 --> 00:09:31,309 Does Russia even celebrate Easter? 189 00:09:31,311 --> 00:09:33,514 Other countries are just so weird. 190 00:09:33,779 --> 00:09:35,780 [TV audio] Oh, don't talk bad about Russia 191 00:09:35,782 --> 00:09:37,418 They might hack your emails. 192 00:09:38,350 --> 00:09:41,018 Mama, you're back! What happened? 193 00:09:41,020 --> 00:09:42,186 They released me. 194 00:09:42,188 --> 00:09:44,522 No one was there to pick me up, so I had to walk home. 195 00:09:44,524 --> 00:09:45,723 I'm sorry. I didn't know. 196 00:09:45,725 --> 00:09:47,157 It's okay. Walk did me good. 197 00:09:47,159 --> 00:09:48,792 Gave me time to clear my head and to think. 198 00:09:48,794 --> 00:09:51,396 I came up with six new ways 199 00:09:51,398 --> 00:09:54,331 to get Bianca del Rio fired and out of our lives. 200 00:09:54,333 --> 00:09:58,102 All I need is a t-shirt cannon and four live raccoons. 201 00:09:58,104 --> 00:09:59,771 Mama, you need to forget her. 202 00:09:59,773 --> 00:10:01,805 After the trial and all that publicity, 203 00:10:01,807 --> 00:10:03,807 there's nothing the district can do to get rid of her. 204 00:10:03,809 --> 00:10:05,075 It's over. 205 00:10:05,077 --> 00:10:06,411 No, no, no, no. 206 00:10:06,413 --> 00:10:08,246 I'm not gonna let Bianca del Rio win. 207 00:10:08,248 --> 00:10:10,580 - Uh-uh! - Well, we need money. 208 00:10:10,582 --> 00:10:12,416 We're two payments behind on the mortgage. 209 00:10:12,418 --> 00:10:14,352 Rent-A-Center repossessed the recliner. 210 00:10:14,354 --> 00:10:16,253 And remember how my boobs popped? 211 00:10:16,255 --> 00:10:17,622 Of course. 212 00:10:17,624 --> 00:10:18,757 The doctors says if I can't get on next season of “Botched”" 213 00:10:18,759 --> 00:10:22,160 it's gonna be $10,000 for reconstructive surgery. 214 00:10:22,162 --> 00:10:24,127 That's if I want them the same size. 215 00:10:24,129 --> 00:10:25,796 - As before? - As each other! 216 00:10:25,798 --> 00:10:27,464 Mama, we are broke. 217 00:10:27,466 --> 00:10:29,599 These little schemes of yours just make things worse. 218 00:10:29,601 --> 00:10:31,169 Is this what you want? 219 00:10:31,171 --> 00:10:33,171 A world where freaks and homosexuals 220 00:10:33,173 --> 00:10:35,138 get to do whatever they desire? 221 00:10:35,140 --> 00:10:36,206 Nuh-uh. 222 00:10:36,208 --> 00:10:39,243 I did not pray to President Trump every morning 223 00:10:39,245 --> 00:10:42,345 to turn this country into a big transgender toilet. 224 00:10:42,347 --> 00:10:44,648 How are we gonna make America great again 225 00:10:44,650 --> 00:10:46,751 with Bianca del Rio still in it? 226 00:10:46,753 --> 00:10:47,618 Oh! 227 00:10:47,620 --> 00:10:49,222 Where's my chair? 228 00:10:49,755 --> 00:10:51,421 It's okay, Mama. 229 00:10:51,423 --> 00:10:52,790 We're gonna get you a job 230 00:10:52,792 --> 00:10:54,758 and we're gonna get back on our feet again, 231 00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:56,393 get me back into a bra again. 232 00:10:56,395 --> 00:10:59,097 Oh, prison was so hard! Carly, you don't even know! 233 00:10:59,099 --> 00:11:00,797 I'd eat soup with a spork. 234 00:11:00,799 --> 00:11:04,234 Our Christmas eggnog was spiked with Old Spice. 235 00:11:04,236 --> 00:11:06,570 Gettin' revenge on Bianca 236 00:11:06,572 --> 00:11:08,805 was the only thing gettin' me through. 237 00:11:08,807 --> 00:11:10,343 There, there, Mama. 238 00:11:11,878 --> 00:11:13,511 What are you watchin'? 239 00:11:13,513 --> 00:11:15,682 “Texas Today.” I never miss a show. 240 00:11:17,149 --> 00:11:20,151 (TV) Some “human rights activists” are mad 241 00:11:20,153 --> 00:11:21,853 because in Russia they can throw anyone 242 00:11:21,855 --> 00:11:24,488 they even suspect of being gay 243 00:11:24,490 --> 00:11:26,656 in jail without a trial. 244 00:11:26,658 --> 00:11:27,858 Well, you know me. 245 00:11:27,860 --> 00:11:29,861 - I don't hate the homosexuals. - No. 246 00:11:29,863 --> 00:11:33,164 Even after Roger burned my neck with a curling iron last week - 247 00:11:33,166 --> 00:11:34,598 and I still think it was on purpose. 248 00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:36,434 But, you know, you could 249 00:11:36,436 --> 00:11:38,569 still be fired here just for bein' gay. 250 00:11:38,571 --> 00:11:41,405 But that doesn't mean you have to be mad about it 251 00:11:41,407 --> 00:11:44,275 and start waving your hands in the air with a hot iron. 252 00:11:44,277 --> 00:11:46,209 You should be grateful for what you have. 253 00:11:46,211 --> 00:11:47,377 Exactly. 254 00:11:47,379 --> 00:11:50,781 Just because it's legal to discriminate against anyone 255 00:11:50,783 --> 00:11:52,749 at a bakery anytime, anywhere, 256 00:11:52,751 --> 00:11:55,286 at least we're not throwin' you in prison. 257 00:11:55,288 --> 00:11:56,219 Right. 258 00:11:56,221 --> 00:11:57,921 You think Texas is bad, 259 00:11:57,923 --> 00:12:01,492 you should try to go to Saudi Arabia, Roger! 260 00:12:01,494 --> 00:12:02,859 It's worse than Russia. 261 00:12:02,861 --> 00:12:06,464 They throw homosexuals off buildings there. 262 00:12:06,466 --> 00:12:09,536 My God, that is not fun and it's very humid. 263 00:12:11,303 --> 00:12:12,703 Nice dress, Deborah. 264 00:12:12,705 --> 00:12:14,338 When Rent-A-Center took your recliner, 265 00:12:14,340 --> 00:12:16,706 I see they left you with the fabric. 266 00:12:16,708 --> 00:12:18,411 [maniacal laughter] 267 00:12:18,845 --> 00:12:20,447 [grunting] 268 00:12:21,313 --> 00:12:23,549 [screaming] 269 00:12:25,250 --> 00:12:27,221 [maniacal laughter] 270 00:12:33,725 --> 00:12:36,763 Maybe those terrorist Arabs are onto something. 271 00:12:40,832 --> 00:12:42,666 Ah, great. 272 00:12:42,668 --> 00:12:45,902 Another episode of "Little House on the Dreary." 273 00:12:45,904 --> 00:12:49,440 Where does Ma Ingalls keep her moonshine? 274 00:12:49,442 --> 00:12:52,776 The alcohol's above the sink in the kitchen. 275 00:12:52,778 --> 00:12:54,911 Anything under the sink is poison. 276 00:12:54,913 --> 00:12:57,350 So help yourself to whatever you want down there. 277 00:12:58,750 --> 00:13:01,919 I cannot believe that you brought Rex in effect here. 278 00:13:01,921 --> 00:13:02,954 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 279 00:13:02,956 --> 00:13:05,690 Well, I thought he needed a change of scenery, 280 00:13:05,692 --> 00:13:07,858 and he's not the only one. 281 00:13:07,860 --> 00:13:08,925 Seriously. 282 00:13:08,927 --> 00:13:10,393 Here you are. 283 00:13:10,395 --> 00:13:11,963 You're still at that same school, 284 00:13:11,965 --> 00:13:14,831 still in this same old raggedy-ass house. 285 00:13:14,833 --> 00:13:16,602 Uh, girl, I moved. 286 00:13:17,370 --> 00:13:19,903 Still in a new raggedy house, 287 00:13:19,905 --> 00:13:22,006 still with those glasses. 288 00:13:22,008 --> 00:13:24,675 And I know damn well that Lasik has made it to Texas. 289 00:13:24,677 --> 00:13:27,445 Baby, you know they'll take any excuse they can 290 00:13:27,447 --> 00:13:29,313 to shoot someone in the face around here. 291 00:13:29,315 --> 00:13:32,315 I am so glad that you drove all the way from Fire Island 292 00:13:32,317 --> 00:13:35,652 in a rented car to criticize my life. 293 00:13:35,654 --> 00:13:36,988 Me, too, sis. 294 00:13:36,990 --> 00:13:38,421 Great catchin' up. 295 00:13:38,423 --> 00:13:40,690 Okay, listen. I'm fine here. 296 00:13:40,692 --> 00:13:42,459 - Did ya get the raise? - No. 297 00:13:42,461 --> 00:13:44,328 Sleepin' with the hot coach? 298 00:13:44,330 --> 00:13:46,530 - No! - Then how is any of this fine? 299 00:13:46,532 --> 00:13:48,965 And I'm not even talkin' about those hideous-ass curtains. 300 00:13:48,967 --> 00:13:50,868 - Ah... - Listen. 301 00:13:50,870 --> 00:13:53,436 Bianca made you sort of famous. 302 00:13:53,438 --> 00:13:56,674 Well, gay famous, which is like straight famous 303 00:13:56,676 --> 00:13:58,276 except you don't make as much money. 304 00:13:58,278 --> 00:14:00,777 And in America, the only reason to be famous is to - 305 00:14:00,779 --> 00:14:01,811 say it with me now - 306 00:14:01,813 --> 00:14:04,217 get laid and get paid. 307 00:14:04,884 --> 00:14:06,751 Yeah. I read your shirt. 308 00:14:06,753 --> 00:14:09,619 I made that shirt... and this. 309 00:14:09,621 --> 00:14:11,022 I make things. 310 00:14:11,024 --> 00:14:13,726 I'm a maker... the fresh maker. 311 00:14:15,662 --> 00:14:17,331 Weeee! 312 00:14:19,831 --> 00:14:21,335 [Rex gurgles] 313 00:14:26,405 --> 00:14:28,439 Yeah... Uh, listen. 314 00:14:28,441 --> 00:14:30,874 You need more Bianca in your life. 315 00:14:30,876 --> 00:14:34,078 No! Bianca is upstairs in the closet where she belongs. 316 00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:36,012 Nobody wants to see anymore Bianca, 317 00:14:36,014 --> 00:14:38,081 much less Bianca teaching Chemistry. 318 00:14:38,083 --> 00:14:40,651 Bianca does not just have to teach. 319 00:14:40,653 --> 00:14:43,554 Look, Ambrosia Salad's been wearing that same ass-green wig 320 00:14:43,556 --> 00:14:45,790 and same broken-down heels since Stonewall, 321 00:14:45,792 --> 00:14:48,425 and she's still making the money, honey. 322 00:14:48,427 --> 00:14:50,493 What is so wrong with me being here teaching? 323 00:14:50,495 --> 00:14:52,363 That's what I moved here to do. 324 00:14:52,365 --> 00:14:53,497 - Well... - There's a... 325 00:14:53,499 --> 00:14:55,534 You know what! Enough about me. 326 00:14:56,001 --> 00:14:57,667 Okay... Better question. 327 00:14:57,669 --> 00:14:59,502 Are you staying for dinner? 328 00:14:59,504 --> 00:15:03,773 Yes or no? Because I've got a box of wine 329 00:15:03,775 --> 00:15:06,509 that isn't gonna drink itself. 330 00:15:06,511 --> 00:15:08,045 A girl's night in? 331 00:15:08,047 --> 00:15:09,046 Mm-hmm. 332 00:15:09,048 --> 00:15:10,815 You had me at box, bitch. 333 00:15:10,817 --> 00:15:12,550 [both laughing] Come on, girl. 334 00:15:12,552 --> 00:15:14,451 Don't shit in my skillet! 335 00:15:14,453 --> 00:15:15,488 Ooh, shit. 336 00:15:17,423 --> 00:15:20,427 ♪ 337 00:15:28,668 --> 00:15:30,037 I made coffee. 338 00:15:31,104 --> 00:15:34,041 What happened last night? I can't remember anything. 339 00:15:35,774 --> 00:15:37,675 This is vodka! 340 00:15:37,677 --> 00:15:39,109 It's coffee-flavored. 341 00:15:39,111 --> 00:15:41,145 You bitches put me through it last night 342 00:15:41,147 --> 00:15:42,879 and that is not helping. 343 00:15:42,881 --> 00:15:44,147 - Oh, girl. - Oh! 344 00:15:44,149 --> 00:15:46,016 You're just out of practice, that's all. 345 00:15:46,018 --> 00:15:49,052 Yeah. It's as easy as falling off a bike. 346 00:15:49,054 --> 00:15:50,688 I never forget how. 347 00:15:50,690 --> 00:15:53,690 We had fun... and you let loose. 348 00:15:53,692 --> 00:15:57,060 And we even got a little Bianca del Rio up in there. 349 00:15:57,062 --> 00:16:00,430 What? Oh! God. 350 00:16:00,432 --> 00:16:03,934 Oh... I'm not sure this is progress. 351 00:16:03,936 --> 00:16:07,504 I finally met the famous Bianca del Rio. 352 00:16:07,506 --> 00:16:10,007 And she's a lot more fun than you, believe me. 353 00:16:10,009 --> 00:16:11,142 Oh, shut up. 354 00:16:11,144 --> 00:16:13,844 Hey, wh- what's with the bags? 355 00:16:13,846 --> 00:16:16,180 Under your eyes? 356 00:16:16,182 --> 00:16:17,614 Just passin' through, honey. 357 00:16:17,616 --> 00:16:18,681 Bye, girls. 358 00:16:18,683 --> 00:16:20,684 Wait, wait, wait, wait! 359 00:16:20,686 --> 00:16:21,919 Where are you going? 360 00:16:21,921 --> 00:16:23,357 Where are you going?!! 361 00:16:25,658 --> 00:16:28,057 I know you just didn't come here for an intervention. 362 00:16:28,059 --> 00:16:29,693 No, but I could have. 363 00:16:29,695 --> 00:16:30,861 Now sister, listen. 364 00:16:30,863 --> 00:16:31,862 What I say next to you, 365 00:16:31,864 --> 00:16:33,930 I say with the light of the sweet Baby Jesus. 366 00:16:33,932 --> 00:16:35,699 Look at what you've become - 367 00:16:35,701 --> 00:16:38,835 an elderly woman living alone on a fixed income. 368 00:16:38,837 --> 00:16:40,905 You make money, but you never make enough to leave. 369 00:16:40,907 --> 00:16:42,605 That's called Texas Holdem. 370 00:16:42,607 --> 00:16:45,511 I think I have a deck of cards in my ass. 371 00:16:46,178 --> 00:16:48,878 Look, I'm from here. I know how it is. 372 00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:50,915 Pull Bianca out of that genie bottle 373 00:16:50,917 --> 00:16:52,849 and make your escape now. 374 00:16:52,851 --> 00:16:53,917 Oh, great! 375 00:16:53,919 --> 00:16:55,853 And just go back to New York with the two of you? 376 00:16:55,855 --> 00:16:57,121 Oh, not New York, honey. 377 00:16:57,123 --> 00:16:59,556 I am going to Hollywood. 378 00:16:59,558 --> 00:17:01,791 Well, technically, Long Beach, but... 379 00:17:01,793 --> 00:17:05,196 It's like Hollywood but for lesbians and fat people. 380 00:17:05,198 --> 00:17:07,998 I'm performing on a cruise ship. 381 00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:10,167 Cruise ship? How are you gonna take Rex on a cruise ship? 382 00:17:10,169 --> 00:17:12,603 He can barely stand up on dry land. 383 00:17:12,605 --> 00:17:14,205 Oh, I'm not going. 384 00:17:14,207 --> 00:17:16,207 I'm staying here with you. 385 00:17:16,209 --> 00:17:17,507 Oh, no, no, no, no! 386 00:17:17,509 --> 00:17:19,142 - No, no. - Ah, yes. 387 00:17:19,144 --> 00:17:21,478 No! You are not leaving me with this thing! 388 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:24,815 Maybe the sweet Texas sun has made your brain soft. 389 00:17:24,817 --> 00:17:26,917 Rex is your problem; Bailey is mine. 390 00:17:26,919 --> 00:17:27,852 That's how this whole 391 00:17:27,854 --> 00:17:30,988 Little Sisters, Big Messes program works. 392 00:17:30,990 --> 00:17:32,890 I have been gone for over a year. 393 00:17:32,892 --> 00:17:34,624 Rex is no longer my problem. 394 00:17:34,626 --> 00:17:37,827 When you temporarily left, you took your little goldfish, 395 00:17:37,829 --> 00:17:40,698 but you left your not-quite fish with me. 396 00:17:40,700 --> 00:17:44,067 Now I've got bigger fish to fry, so Rex is yours again. 397 00:17:44,069 --> 00:17:45,702 (Rex) I'm fine. 398 00:17:45,704 --> 00:17:47,805 I just need some electrolytes. 399 00:17:47,807 --> 00:17:49,507 - No, no, no, no... - Oh, yes... 400 00:17:49,509 --> 00:17:50,341 Get out of my car! 401 00:17:50,343 --> 00:17:52,242 You did not bring him here before. 402 00:17:52,244 --> 00:17:53,844 Why are you bringing him here now? 403 00:17:53,846 --> 00:17:55,679 Because before he had a man, 404 00:17:55,681 --> 00:17:57,815 but since he swallowed that bag of pennies, well... 405 00:17:57,817 --> 00:18:01,084 Is this Red Bull or Gatorade? 406 00:18:01,086 --> 00:18:03,853 That's antifreeze! Get away from there! 407 00:18:03,855 --> 00:18:06,222 Ha, ha! I told you you'd be a good mom, 408 00:18:06,224 --> 00:18:08,225 and not just because of your hips. 409 00:18:08,227 --> 00:18:09,759 Your life was empty. 410 00:18:09,761 --> 00:18:11,027 I gave it purpose. 411 00:18:11,029 --> 00:18:11,828 You're welcome, bitch. 412 00:18:11,830 --> 00:18:13,831 - No, no, no, no. - You're welcome! 413 00:18:13,833 --> 00:18:15,665 - Do not do this to me. - I'm goin', bitch. 414 00:18:15,667 --> 00:18:16,801 Do not do this to me. 415 00:18:16,803 --> 00:18:18,835 - Write me on the cruise. - Stephen, this is not fair! 416 00:18:18,837 --> 00:18:21,738 I hope you fall on the propeller, you nasty bitch. 417 00:18:21,740 --> 00:18:22,875 - No! - Oh, yes! 418 00:18:24,076 --> 00:18:26,075 I'll never let go, Jack. 419 00:18:26,077 --> 00:18:27,580 Go fish! 420 00:18:32,718 --> 00:18:33,787 Fuck! 421 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:36,021 Weee! 422 00:18:38,624 --> 00:18:40,724 I thought you were nocturnal creatures. 423 00:18:40,726 --> 00:18:42,325 Go on, get out of here! Get out of here! 424 00:18:42,327 --> 00:18:44,763 Keep your Bianca faces away from me. 425 00:18:50,269 --> 00:18:51,802 Look, Mama. I'm pretty again. 426 00:18:51,804 --> 00:18:52,769 Yeah. It looks like 427 00:18:52,771 --> 00:18:54,705 you're smuggling fenders across the border. 428 00:18:54,707 --> 00:18:56,006 Don't worry, Carly. 429 00:18:56,008 --> 00:18:57,708 You'll get your real fake boobs soon. 430 00:18:57,710 --> 00:18:58,909 I've got a plan. 431 00:18:58,911 --> 00:18:59,844 A job plan, right? 432 00:18:59,846 --> 00:19:01,844 Not an overly complicated revenge plot. 433 00:19:01,846 --> 00:19:04,248 Got bit by those raccoons, by the way. 434 00:19:04,250 --> 00:19:05,815 What's the worst place on Earth? 435 00:19:05,817 --> 00:19:06,984 Texas in July? 436 00:19:06,986 --> 00:19:07,951 Worse than Texas. 437 00:19:07,953 --> 00:19:09,620 Bigger than Texas. 438 00:19:09,622 --> 00:19:10,990 Stricter than Texas. 439 00:19:11,723 --> 00:19:12,756 Russia? 440 00:19:12,758 --> 00:19:14,725 That's where vodka gets born. 441 00:19:14,727 --> 00:19:16,626 And elections get stolen. 442 00:19:16,628 --> 00:19:18,228 Who cares when you're the winner! 443 00:19:18,230 --> 00:19:21,198 “An all-expense-paid, first class ticket to Moscow.” 444 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,732 This smells like a scam. 445 00:19:22,734 --> 00:19:25,035 Don't look a gift whore in the mouth, 446 00:19:25,037 --> 00:19:28,338 because she probably has jacked-up teeth. [giggles] 447 00:19:28,340 --> 00:19:31,174 I mean, how did I win a contest that I didn't even enter? 448 00:19:31,176 --> 00:19:32,843 Because you didn't win. 449 00:19:32,845 --> 00:19:35,679 Look... Bianca won. 450 00:19:35,681 --> 00:19:38,114 “We're pleased to honor the Teacher of the Year, 451 00:19:38,116 --> 00:19:39,150 Bianca del Rio, 452 00:19:39,152 --> 00:19:42,119 at the annual Alchemy and Manufactory Exposition 453 00:19:42,121 --> 00:19:46,155 and present her with a cash prize of $100,000 454 00:19:46,157 --> 00:19:49,258 paid in real American money.” 455 00:19:49,260 --> 00:19:51,061 Seems legit. 456 00:19:51,063 --> 00:19:53,266 I guess this means Bianca's coming back. 457 00:19:56,102 --> 00:19:57,234 Crunch! 458 00:19:57,236 --> 00:19:58,802 I was watchin' that show you like, 459 00:19:58,804 --> 00:20:00,638 and they were talkin' about how they throw gays 460 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:02,405 off buildings in Saudi Arabia. 461 00:20:02,407 --> 00:20:05,909 And I'm thinkin', “How do I get Bianca del Rio to Riyadh?” 462 00:20:05,911 --> 00:20:08,178 You can't throw someone off a building, Mama. 463 00:20:08,180 --> 00:20:11,081 I know. I mean they barely let you drive there. 464 00:20:11,083 --> 00:20:12,382 So then I'm thinkin', okay, 465 00:20:12,384 --> 00:20:14,284 what's the next best worst place there is. 466 00:20:14,286 --> 00:20:15,251 Russia! 467 00:20:15,253 --> 00:20:17,321 Well, why would Bianca del Rio go to Russia? 468 00:20:17,323 --> 00:20:20,690 Easy. I sent her a letter sayin' she won this teachin' award, 469 00:20:20,692 --> 00:20:22,860 only she has to go to Russia to get it. 470 00:20:22,862 --> 00:20:25,962 Knowin' her, that's an offer her ego can't refuse. 471 00:20:25,964 --> 00:20:27,296 And once they get a good look at her, 472 00:20:27,298 --> 00:20:29,333 they'll know she's a queer-bait drag-queen freak 473 00:20:29,335 --> 00:20:30,366 and lock her up. 474 00:20:30,368 --> 00:20:32,638 Right, so pack those fun bags! 475 00:20:33,939 --> 00:20:34,841 We're goin' to Russia! 476 00:20:35,273 --> 00:20:37,106 I can't just fly to Russia. 477 00:20:37,108 --> 00:20:38,441 It's the middle of the school year. 478 00:20:38,443 --> 00:20:39,776 [hiccups] 479 00:20:39,778 --> 00:20:41,045 How drunk are you? 480 00:20:41,047 --> 00:20:42,912 I'm completely sober. 481 00:20:42,914 --> 00:20:44,984 This is my one hour chip. 482 00:20:47,353 --> 00:20:48,352 I'm full. 483 00:20:48,354 --> 00:20:49,420 And you can't go either. 484 00:20:49,422 --> 00:20:51,689 You said that you just got that job off your app. 485 00:20:51,691 --> 00:20:54,290 I did! Last night in the park. 486 00:20:54,292 --> 00:20:55,926 I know you think I don't work hard, 487 00:20:55,928 --> 00:20:58,261 but I'll work two jobs at once if I have to, 488 00:20:58,263 --> 00:21:00,698 or if one of them is really hot. 489 00:21:00,700 --> 00:21:02,732 Remember when I told you that when you talk 490 00:21:02,734 --> 00:21:04,267 it makes people sad? 491 00:21:04,269 --> 00:21:05,936 What have you got to lose? 492 00:21:05,938 --> 00:21:07,336 Call the number on the letter. 493 00:21:07,338 --> 00:21:10,039 If it's legit, free trip to Russia - 494 00:21:10,041 --> 00:21:11,944 and all that money! 495 00:21:13,011 --> 00:21:16,479 Well, the expo is during spring break, 496 00:21:16,481 --> 00:21:18,347 and $100,000 is a lot of money. 497 00:21:18,349 --> 00:21:21,852 And as much as I hate to admit it, Stephen was right. 498 00:21:21,854 --> 00:21:24,153 There's absolutely nothing keeping me here in Texas. 499 00:21:24,155 --> 00:21:25,424 Less than nothing. 500 00:21:26,459 --> 00:21:28,357 Okay, fine. 501 00:21:28,359 --> 00:21:30,427 Dasvidaniya, Texas! 502 00:21:30,429 --> 00:21:32,462 Bianca del Rio's goin' to Russia! 503 00:21:32,464 --> 00:21:34,797 [both laughing, cheering] 504 00:21:34,799 --> 00:21:37,034 I can't wait to see Bianca in action. 505 00:21:37,036 --> 00:21:39,001 No, no, no. You're not coming with me. 506 00:21:39,003 --> 00:21:41,805 I'm sure there's some long-term kennel I can put you in. 507 00:21:41,807 --> 00:21:43,006 You owe me. 508 00:21:43,008 --> 00:21:46,142 You left New York, and I didn't even get to say goodbye. 509 00:21:46,144 --> 00:21:49,179 Bitch, you were in the ICU. 510 00:21:49,181 --> 00:21:51,981 Oh, yeah. That was a fun party. 511 00:21:51,983 --> 00:21:56,987 Well, if I can't go to Russia, I guess I'll just stay here, 512 00:21:56,989 --> 00:21:58,758 unattended. 513 00:21:59,023 --> 00:22:02,191 Hey, you don't need your cleaning deposit back, do you? 514 00:22:02,193 --> 00:22:05,062 Okay. Put it down. Fine, fine, fine. 515 00:22:05,064 --> 00:22:08,832 Bianca and Rex are going to Russia. 516 00:22:08,834 --> 00:22:10,170 [cheering] 517 00:22:11,804 --> 00:22:13,036 Hey, hey, hey, hey. 518 00:22:13,038 --> 00:22:15,372 And listen. We are going as friends. 519 00:22:15,374 --> 00:22:17,106 Don't get handsy, ‘cause if you do, 520 00:22:17,108 --> 00:22:18,342 I'm gonna throw you in the dumpster, 521 00:22:18,344 --> 00:22:20,844 like the one you were born in on prom night. 522 00:22:20,846 --> 00:22:24,948 I- I-I just need to check in with the CDC before I go. 523 00:22:24,950 --> 00:22:26,885 They always like to know where I am. 524 00:22:29,855 --> 00:22:33,055 And now I have to take a Silkwood Shower. 525 00:22:33,057 --> 00:22:34,326 It's gross. 526 00:22:36,461 --> 00:22:38,528 So how does sending Bianca to Russia 527 00:22:38,530 --> 00:22:40,898 get us out of debt and me in a bigger bra? 528 00:22:40,900 --> 00:22:42,298 First, we go to Russia. 529 00:22:42,300 --> 00:22:45,401 Then, we watch the Minister of Homosexual Propaganda 530 00:22:45,403 --> 00:22:47,504 put Bianca in jail forever. 531 00:22:47,506 --> 00:22:51,141 Next, we get your boobs fixed dirt cheap in Moscow. 532 00:22:51,143 --> 00:22:53,242 That whole country's like one giant Dollar Store. 533 00:22:53,244 --> 00:22:55,144 Then, with Bianca out of the picture, 534 00:22:55,146 --> 00:22:57,180 I'd get my old job back at the school. 535 00:22:57,182 --> 00:22:59,850 I mean it's lose, win-win-win. 536 00:22:59,852 --> 00:23:02,018 Wait. If we can't even afford a recliner, 537 00:23:02,020 --> 00:23:03,921 how are we gonna afford to get to Russia? 538 00:23:03,923 --> 00:23:07,224 Well, I may have had myself declared legally dead 539 00:23:07,226 --> 00:23:08,825 and collected the insurance money 540 00:23:08,827 --> 00:23:11,094 by pretendin' to be my imaginary twin sister. 541 00:23:11,096 --> 00:23:13,430 But we'll sort all that out when we get back... 542 00:23:13,432 --> 00:23:14,498 from Russia! 543 00:23:14,500 --> 00:23:15,902 Woo-hoo! 544 00:23:17,169 --> 00:23:19,536 Do you have any more wig glue? I'm out. 545 00:23:19,538 --> 00:23:21,470 I told you not to huff that stuff. 546 00:23:21,472 --> 00:23:24,240 You barely have a two-digit IQ as it is. 547 00:23:24,242 --> 00:23:26,879 I use it for legitimate purposes. 548 00:23:30,481 --> 00:23:33,115 I've been downloading a lot of apps on my phone - 549 00:23:33,117 --> 00:23:37,120 translators, local restaurant guides, both hookup apps. 550 00:23:37,122 --> 00:23:40,123 Apparently there's a lot of bears in Russia 551 00:23:40,125 --> 00:23:41,394 that are lesbians. 552 00:23:42,260 --> 00:23:44,096 [laughing] 553 00:23:44,395 --> 00:23:46,563 Where do you think you're going dressed like that? 554 00:23:46,565 --> 00:23:47,631 Moscow! 555 00:23:47,633 --> 00:23:50,334 How are you gonna get through airport security? 556 00:23:50,336 --> 00:23:53,237 Okay, I'll change, but I don't want to miss our 9:00 flight. 557 00:23:53,239 --> 00:23:56,405 Yeah, 9... 9 PM! At night! 558 00:23:56,407 --> 00:23:58,107 On Saturday! 559 00:23:58,109 --> 00:24:00,009 It's Wednesday, you dink. 560 00:24:00,011 --> 00:24:01,178 Here. 561 00:24:01,180 --> 00:24:03,180 Now listen. I've got two more days at the high school 562 00:24:03,182 --> 00:24:04,381 before we're outta here. 563 00:24:04,383 --> 00:24:06,952 Do not swallow a jar-full of pennies while I'm gone. 564 00:24:10,655 --> 00:24:12,457 That only happened once. 565 00:24:14,559 --> 00:24:17,196 [ship horn blows] 566 00:24:20,432 --> 00:24:23,600 Mama, why does Bianca get to fly first class to Russia 567 00:24:23,602 --> 00:24:26,335 and we're stuck hidin' in this shipping container? 568 00:24:26,337 --> 00:24:28,404 I had to be sure Bianca took the bait. 569 00:24:28,406 --> 00:24:30,574 Also, now that I'm legally dead, 570 00:24:30,576 --> 00:24:32,478 I technically don't have a passport anymore. 571 00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:37,080 Why's your bag movin'? 572 00:24:37,082 --> 00:24:39,382 Oh, I brought one of the raccoons along 573 00:24:39,384 --> 00:24:40,616 in case we need it. 574 00:24:40,618 --> 00:24:42,184 Or if we get hungry... 575 00:24:42,186 --> 00:24:43,589 It's gonna be a long trip. 576 00:24:44,522 --> 00:24:46,326 - Old Spice? - No. 577 00:24:49,595 --> 00:24:50,559 Woo! 578 00:24:50,561 --> 00:24:51,527 Ah! 579 00:24:51,529 --> 00:24:52,898 [raccoon chatters] 580 00:24:56,434 --> 00:25:00,072 ♪ 581 00:25:16,321 --> 00:25:18,421 I'm convinced that the movie “Psycho” 582 00:25:18,423 --> 00:25:20,257 was filmed in that bathroom. 583 00:25:20,259 --> 00:25:21,490 Twinsies! 584 00:25:21,492 --> 00:25:23,192 Oh, thank God. 585 00:25:23,194 --> 00:25:25,027 The only thing that would make this room worse 586 00:25:25,029 --> 00:25:27,029 is havin' to share a bed with you. 587 00:25:27,031 --> 00:25:28,332 You should be so lucky. 588 00:25:28,334 --> 00:25:30,600 You know this place is really, really gross. 589 00:25:30,602 --> 00:25:33,003 It makes Motel 6 look high-end. 590 00:25:33,005 --> 00:25:35,538 No wonder Tolstoy was so depressing. 591 00:25:35,540 --> 00:25:36,739 Right? 592 00:25:36,741 --> 00:25:38,607 Remember in Tolstoy Three when they were 593 00:25:38,609 --> 00:25:40,710 all holding hands in the furnace? 594 00:25:40,712 --> 00:25:44,113 I didn't know a cartoon could wreck my shit like that. 595 00:25:44,115 --> 00:25:46,283 You should talk less and maybe read more. 596 00:25:46,285 --> 00:25:50,187 At least the room comes with a complimentary bottle of vodka. 597 00:25:50,189 --> 00:25:52,255 Yeah, well, we could use that as disinfectant. 598 00:25:52,257 --> 00:25:54,560 I can see Alaska from my room! 599 00:25:56,161 --> 00:25:57,361 I don't think so. 600 00:25:57,363 --> 00:25:59,164 Hiiiii-eeeeee! 601 00:26:08,106 --> 00:26:10,407 Yeah, well luckily, we're not gonna have to be here long, 602 00:26:10,409 --> 00:26:12,074 just a few days. 603 00:26:12,076 --> 00:26:14,247 Well, we got to soak up some local color. 604 00:26:17,148 --> 00:26:18,481 Oh, God. 605 00:26:18,483 --> 00:26:22,419 I want to go down to the Expo and let them know that I'm here. 606 00:26:22,421 --> 00:26:25,055 “House Hunters”! I love this show. 607 00:26:25,057 --> 00:26:26,789 [TV, with Russian accent] I like house number one. 608 00:26:26,791 --> 00:26:30,059 The open-concept kitchen had good flow between 609 00:26:30,061 --> 00:26:33,630 the living room and bedroom because no interior walls. 610 00:26:33,632 --> 00:26:37,299 But we'd have to draw water from the well out back 611 00:26:37,301 --> 00:26:39,036 since it didn't have indoor plumbing. 612 00:26:39,038 --> 00:26:40,270 Neither did house number three. 613 00:26:40,272 --> 00:26:44,106 The crumbling living room walls let in a lot of natural light, 614 00:26:44,108 --> 00:26:47,544 which we need because someone stripped the copper wiring. 615 00:26:47,546 --> 00:26:50,046 Th-that desperate hovel was great, 616 00:26:50,048 --> 00:26:53,350 but I-I-I don't like a wall with so many nails in it. 617 00:26:53,352 --> 00:26:54,750 We aren't royalty. 618 00:26:54,752 --> 00:26:57,586 I liked house number two. It's in our price range. 619 00:26:57,588 --> 00:26:59,555 But on the small side 620 00:26:59,557 --> 00:27:02,058 and a little too close to Chernobyl. 621 00:27:02,060 --> 00:27:06,430 Yes, but the interior walls and the updated bathroom sold me. 622 00:27:06,432 --> 00:27:08,000 I think house number two. 623 00:27:08,267 --> 00:27:11,434 Our nice, young heterosexual couple chose correctly. 624 00:27:11,436 --> 00:27:13,636 The second house with its modern décor, 625 00:27:13,638 --> 00:27:15,705 functioning appliances 626 00:27:15,707 --> 00:27:19,442 and a tasteful use of rich colors, 627 00:27:19,444 --> 00:27:23,182 obviously the work of a deviant homosexual who must be punished! 628 00:27:23,781 --> 00:27:25,248 "House Hunters" has gone downhill 629 00:27:25,250 --> 00:27:27,116 since they got rid of Suzanne Whang. 630 00:27:27,118 --> 00:27:29,786 That's not “House Hunters.” That's “Homo Hunters.” 631 00:27:29,788 --> 00:27:32,221 And look! It's that Svetlana - 632 00:27:32,223 --> 00:27:33,489 that Russian bitch. 633 00:27:33,491 --> 00:27:36,093 She's the Minister of Homosexual Propaganda. 634 00:27:36,095 --> 00:27:38,260 She's the one that puts all the gays in prison. 635 00:27:38,262 --> 00:27:39,863 For making her wear that jacket? 636 00:27:39,865 --> 00:27:42,164 No, asshole, for being gay! 637 00:27:42,166 --> 00:27:44,133 Russia has very strict laws, 638 00:27:44,135 --> 00:27:48,138 which is why it's very important for you to be inconspicuous. 639 00:27:48,140 --> 00:27:49,439 Do you know what that word means? 640 00:27:49,441 --> 00:27:51,540 Inconspicuous is my middle name. 641 00:27:51,542 --> 00:27:53,211 I have mean parents. 642 00:27:56,181 --> 00:27:57,549 Hey, girls! 643 00:27:57,849 --> 00:28:00,150 So much for being inconspicuous! 644 00:28:00,152 --> 00:28:02,751 What? I don't want people to know we're at a science fair. 645 00:28:02,753 --> 00:28:04,854 All we have to do is find the coordinator 646 00:28:04,856 --> 00:28:07,257 and let them know that Bianca will be here tomorrow 647 00:28:07,259 --> 00:28:10,392 to collect the check, and then we're out of here. 648 00:28:10,394 --> 00:28:13,563 Siri. How do you say “hot nerd” in Russian? 649 00:28:13,565 --> 00:28:16,298 (phone) I am not Siri, you capitalist pig. 650 00:28:16,300 --> 00:28:17,834 - See. - Just look around. 651 00:28:17,836 --> 00:28:19,503 You don't need an app for that. 652 00:28:19,505 --> 00:28:22,175 Ugh! My boredom is zero feet away. 653 00:28:28,346 --> 00:28:30,650 [indistinct chatter] 654 00:28:36,387 --> 00:28:39,221 [Russian accent] To light bulb, we cut potato in half. 655 00:28:39,223 --> 00:28:41,324 Find two coins if you can spare them, 656 00:28:41,326 --> 00:28:43,160 two nails from house next door, 657 00:28:43,162 --> 00:28:44,928 and a little bit of copper wire. 658 00:28:44,930 --> 00:28:47,396 Now, copper wire is easy to fetch from the neighbor, 659 00:28:47,398 --> 00:28:49,865 because once you take the two nails the house falls down. 660 00:28:49,867 --> 00:28:50,866 He's cute. 661 00:28:50,868 --> 00:28:52,936 When we get back to the hotel, remind me to go 662 00:28:52,938 --> 00:28:55,604 down to the basement and find your standards. 663 00:28:55,606 --> 00:28:57,474 Standards? Coming from you? 664 00:28:57,476 --> 00:28:59,508 You're the one that found the sex offender registry 665 00:28:59,510 --> 00:29:01,411 and thought it was a dating site. 666 00:29:01,413 --> 00:29:03,580 Add all these materials together to the potato 667 00:29:03,582 --> 00:29:05,485 and we are making electricity. 668 00:29:06,250 --> 00:29:07,452 Any questions? 669 00:29:07,885 --> 00:29:09,219 Da. 670 00:29:09,221 --> 00:29:10,853 When do we eat potato? 671 00:29:10,855 --> 00:29:12,189 Oh. 672 00:29:12,191 --> 00:29:15,324 How many share in one-half potato? 673 00:29:15,326 --> 00:29:16,793 Whole family? 674 00:29:16,795 --> 00:29:20,396 Potatoes for making electricity. Not for eating. 675 00:29:20,398 --> 00:29:21,600 [all sigh] 676 00:29:26,837 --> 00:29:29,372 Hi. I-I'm Richard Martinez, 677 00:29:29,374 --> 00:29:32,241 and I'm a science teacher from America and... 678 00:29:32,243 --> 00:29:33,977 ...and this is my friend Rex, 679 00:29:33,979 --> 00:29:36,680 and we've come here for the, uh, science expo. 680 00:29:36,682 --> 00:29:38,815 Hi. Mitya. 681 00:29:38,817 --> 00:29:40,283 Short for Dmitriy. 682 00:29:40,285 --> 00:29:42,686 Mitya, nice to meet ya'. 683 00:29:42,688 --> 00:29:43,890 [chuckling] 684 00:29:45,656 --> 00:29:46,890 Oh, look! 685 00:29:46,892 --> 00:29:48,894 Anything else. 686 00:29:55,366 --> 00:29:56,799 We can get lunch soon, Mama. 687 00:29:56,801 --> 00:29:58,267 That raccoon wasn't very filling. 688 00:29:58,269 --> 00:30:00,237 Yeah, yeah. I just got to find Bianca 689 00:30:00,239 --> 00:30:02,572 and then get the police to rush in here and arrest her. 690 00:30:02,574 --> 00:30:04,911 It will be glorious! 691 00:30:06,510 --> 00:30:09,511 Why did the Russian hooker pee on the mattress? 692 00:30:09,513 --> 00:30:11,783 ‘Cause she thought it was you, Deborah! 693 00:30:12,951 --> 00:30:14,653 [gasps] Fake news! 694 00:30:18,522 --> 00:30:19,756 [screaming] 695 00:30:19,758 --> 00:30:22,025 Hasta la pavement, bitch! 696 00:30:22,027 --> 00:30:24,393 Debbieeee!!!! 697 00:30:24,395 --> 00:30:25,964 [laughs maniacally] 698 00:30:31,036 --> 00:30:32,835 She's dressed as Richard?! 699 00:30:32,837 --> 00:30:34,770 How am I gonna get the police to arrest her 700 00:30:34,772 --> 00:30:36,538 if she's just a run-of-the-mill gay burger 701 00:30:36,540 --> 00:30:38,874 without the flame sauce and extra cheese? 702 00:30:38,876 --> 00:30:41,577 Mmm, cheese... You're makin' me hungry. 703 00:30:41,579 --> 00:30:43,046 Come on. Let's go back to the hotel. 704 00:30:43,048 --> 00:30:44,249 I know how to get rid of her there. 705 00:30:45,683 --> 00:30:48,584 America is a long way to come just for a little Alchemy Expo. 706 00:30:48,586 --> 00:30:49,553 Well, I'm... 707 00:30:49,555 --> 00:30:52,455 I mean, a friend of mine is getting a prize. 708 00:30:52,457 --> 00:30:55,691 So I only came here tonight to, uh, meet up with the organizer. 709 00:30:55,693 --> 00:30:58,862 Ah, Sacha is gone already, but will be back tomorrow. 710 00:30:58,864 --> 00:31:01,398 Will, um, you be here tomorrow? 711 00:31:01,400 --> 00:31:02,399 Yes. 712 00:31:02,401 --> 00:31:03,767 I see you then? 713 00:31:03,769 --> 00:31:04,801 Sure. 714 00:31:04,803 --> 00:31:05,972 - Okay. - Okay. 715 00:31:07,638 --> 00:31:08,305 See you then. 716 00:31:08,307 --> 00:31:09,338 - Da. - Mm-hmm. 717 00:31:09,340 --> 00:31:10,606 - Ya. - See you then. 718 00:31:10,608 --> 00:31:11,509 Bye-bye. 719 00:31:18,517 --> 00:31:19,818 Ahhh! 720 00:31:23,989 --> 00:31:25,455 Bye-bye... 721 00:31:25,457 --> 00:31:26,692 Please don't die. 722 00:31:26,958 --> 00:31:29,892 All I'm sayin' is keep it in your panties. 723 00:31:29,894 --> 00:31:32,094 Russia's already dangerous enough for the both of us 724 00:31:32,096 --> 00:31:34,530 without you making a spectacle of yourself. 725 00:31:34,532 --> 00:31:35,699 Oh, don't come for me. 726 00:31:35,701 --> 00:31:37,600 I saw you over there with the queen of the nerd herd. 727 00:31:37,602 --> 00:31:39,401 God, your meet cute was so pathetic, 728 00:31:39,403 --> 00:31:41,904 if I still had the gag reflex I'd barf. 729 00:31:41,906 --> 00:31:44,540 Mitya was the only interesting person at that place. 730 00:31:44,542 --> 00:31:46,042 And really, is that what they call 731 00:31:46,044 --> 00:31:47,544 a science fair here in Russia? 732 00:31:47,546 --> 00:31:49,645 Pretty flimsy for a country that hacked elections. 733 00:31:49,647 --> 00:31:51,014 Exactly! Which doesn't explain 734 00:31:51,016 --> 00:31:52,782 how they could afford those plane tickets 735 00:31:52,784 --> 00:31:54,950 and the $100,000 prize. 736 00:31:54,952 --> 00:31:56,986 You always overthink everything. 737 00:31:56,988 --> 00:31:58,020 You know what... 738 00:31:58,022 --> 00:31:59,788 You always under-think everything. 739 00:31:59,790 --> 00:32:01,824 You see? You see what you did there? 740 00:32:01,826 --> 00:32:04,661 You and Stephen always say that we're friends, 741 00:32:04,663 --> 00:32:08,064 but you talk about me like I'm your nephew with Alzheimer's. 742 00:32:08,066 --> 00:32:11,133 All I'm saying is that you should trust me more. 743 00:32:11,135 --> 00:32:12,669 Why don't you just relax 744 00:32:12,671 --> 00:32:15,537 and enjoy all that Russia has to offer? 745 00:32:15,539 --> 00:32:18,574 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Relax. Enjoy... 746 00:32:18,576 --> 00:32:19,778 [gasps] Oh!!! 747 00:32:22,446 --> 00:32:23,546 [Russian accent] Is this your room? 748 00:32:23,548 --> 00:32:24,849 Uh, ye-yeah. 749 00:32:25,584 --> 00:32:28,054 What seems to be the trouble, officer? 750 00:32:29,453 --> 00:32:30,519 Whose suitcase is this? 751 00:32:30,521 --> 00:32:32,455 - Oh... - Bianca. 752 00:32:32,457 --> 00:32:35,892 Is Bianca flaming drag queen or degenerate homosexual? 753 00:32:35,894 --> 00:32:37,126 Yes. 754 00:32:37,128 --> 00:32:40,863 Actually, Bianca was gonna take, uh, these clothes and... wigs 755 00:32:40,865 --> 00:32:44,500 to her mother's to cheer her up because, uh, she's really sick. 756 00:32:44,502 --> 00:32:45,535 Cancer. 757 00:32:45,537 --> 00:32:47,036 [feigns cough] 758 00:32:47,038 --> 00:32:48,039 Hmm! 759 00:32:48,940 --> 00:32:49,972 Hey! Hey, hey, hey. 760 00:32:49,974 --> 00:32:52,409 I- I-I ju-had, just... 761 00:32:52,411 --> 00:32:54,980 Oh, great. Great. [car doors slam] 762 00:32:58,517 --> 00:33:01,049 So far, your plan of relaxing and waiting to see 763 00:33:01,051 --> 00:33:03,819 what Russia has in store for us really worked out great. 764 00:33:03,821 --> 00:33:05,721 Didn't it? Now what are we gonna do? 765 00:33:05,723 --> 00:33:08,490 Now that the police have confiscated all of our drag! 766 00:33:08,492 --> 00:33:09,793 I went through your bag. 767 00:33:09,795 --> 00:33:11,827 Most of it was from an outlet mall anyway. 768 00:33:11,829 --> 00:33:13,162 There was 50 cents in my purse. 769 00:33:13,164 --> 00:33:14,963 We'll replace the rest when we go home. 770 00:33:14,965 --> 00:33:17,866 They're expecting Bianca del Rio tomorrow at the expo. 771 00:33:17,868 --> 00:33:21,004 But how is Bianca gonna go there and collect $100,000 check 772 00:33:21,006 --> 00:33:23,773 when Bianca's being hauled away in a bag?! 773 00:33:23,775 --> 00:33:26,742 You can use my outfit. You can have my wig. 774 00:33:26,744 --> 00:33:30,447 We'll let this dress out in the back... A lot. 775 00:33:30,449 --> 00:33:32,015 And nobody will know any better. 776 00:33:32,017 --> 00:33:34,017 Well, that's not gonna work because they've probably already 777 00:33:34,019 --> 00:33:35,884 seen pictures of me on the internet. 778 00:33:35,886 --> 00:33:38,654 Internet?! They barely have electricity. 779 00:33:38,656 --> 00:33:41,090 You've seen your boyfriend and his potato. 780 00:33:41,092 --> 00:33:42,491 It's pathetic. 781 00:33:42,493 --> 00:33:44,727 Bianca has brown hair, and that dress of yours 782 00:33:44,729 --> 00:33:46,462 is a walking bacterial test strip! 783 00:33:46,464 --> 00:33:48,096 What we need to do is find somebody 784 00:33:48,098 --> 00:33:49,966 in this country that has drag. 785 00:33:49,968 --> 00:33:51,801 We can create a new Bianca. 786 00:33:51,803 --> 00:33:54,671 I can go in, collect the check, and get the hell out of here! 787 00:33:54,673 --> 00:33:56,738 Because the longer we stay here, the bigger chance we have 788 00:33:56,740 --> 00:34:00,176 of somebody giving us a one-way ticket to a Siberian hell hole! 789 00:34:00,178 --> 00:34:01,643 You're so dramatic. 790 00:34:01,645 --> 00:34:04,080 Fine. I'll ask some guys on this app 791 00:34:04,082 --> 00:34:06,048 if there is a gay bar around here. 792 00:34:06,050 --> 00:34:08,017 I'm sure there's a tragic drag show. 793 00:34:08,019 --> 00:34:09,017 There always is. 794 00:34:09,019 --> 00:34:11,521 We'll steal some looks, collect that check, 795 00:34:11,523 --> 00:34:13,526 and head back to Texas. [feigns gagging] 796 00:34:14,092 --> 00:34:15,025 What do you know! 797 00:34:15,027 --> 00:34:17,726 I guess I do have some gag reflex left. 798 00:34:17,728 --> 00:34:20,597 I'm full of surprises. [giggles] 799 00:34:20,599 --> 00:34:22,568 [scoffs] Gross. 800 00:34:26,538 --> 00:34:28,838 Mama, you'll never guess what I got. 801 00:34:28,840 --> 00:34:31,840 Stop scratchin' or it won't heal right. 802 00:34:31,842 --> 00:34:34,744 It's not gonna heal right until that doctor fixes me. 803 00:34:34,746 --> 00:34:37,613 We've been in Moscow two hours and Bianca isn't in jail yet. 804 00:34:37,615 --> 00:34:39,516 What kind of country is this? 805 00:34:39,518 --> 00:34:40,849 We called the police and reported 806 00:34:40,851 --> 00:34:43,151 a room-full of flaming drag queens and homosexuals. 807 00:34:43,153 --> 00:34:44,920 What more can we do? 808 00:34:44,922 --> 00:34:47,990 Can we please get some lunch and find that doctor? 809 00:34:47,992 --> 00:34:49,226 We'll get some food on the way. 810 00:34:49,228 --> 00:34:52,528 Those queer burgers found a gay bar they're goin' to. 811 00:34:52,530 --> 00:34:53,829 This could be our big break. 812 00:34:53,831 --> 00:34:55,898 Mm... Burgers. 813 00:34:55,900 --> 00:34:57,099 But first... 814 00:34:57,101 --> 00:34:59,170 we'll need a disguise. 815 00:35:03,708 --> 00:35:04,874 Where are we? 816 00:35:04,876 --> 00:35:06,543 I don't know. We're in Russia. 817 00:35:06,545 --> 00:35:08,677 It smells like desperation. 818 00:35:08,679 --> 00:35:10,114 We must be close. 819 00:35:13,684 --> 00:35:14,786 [knocks on door] 820 00:35:16,922 --> 00:35:17,923 Da? 821 00:35:20,157 --> 00:35:21,659 Glasnost! 822 00:35:23,862 --> 00:35:30,869 ♪ Spread my wings and fly... ♪ 823 00:35:33,137 --> 00:35:34,670 ♪ Gonna tell on nobody ♪ 824 00:35:34,672 --> 00:35:36,606 ♪ Gonna tell on nobody ♪ 825 00:35:36,608 --> 00:35:38,307 ♪ Gonna tell on nobody ♪ 826 00:35:38,309 --> 00:35:40,742 ♪ She's an undercover ♪ 827 00:35:40,744 --> 00:35:41,844 ♪ Gonna tell on nobody ♪ 828 00:35:41,846 --> 00:35:43,211 [Russian accent] Welcome to Club Katya. 829 00:35:43,213 --> 00:35:45,981 I am your hostess, Katya. 830 00:35:45,983 --> 00:35:46,950 Hello, Katya. 831 00:35:46,952 --> 00:35:49,751 This is my friend Rex, and my name is Richard. 832 00:35:49,753 --> 00:35:51,653 Ah, yes. Nice to meet ya! 833 00:35:51,655 --> 00:35:52,387 Oh. 834 00:35:52,389 --> 00:35:53,789 Mwah. [chuckling nervously] 835 00:35:53,791 --> 00:35:54,958 Hmm. 836 00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:56,892 Uh, I was wondering, Katya, if you could help us out. 837 00:35:56,894 --> 00:35:58,927 I'm looking for some drag. 838 00:35:58,929 --> 00:35:59,829 Oh, perfect. 839 00:35:59,831 --> 00:36:01,097 This is Gorky Park. 840 00:36:01,099 --> 00:36:03,231 She is one of our very best drag. 841 00:36:03,233 --> 00:36:06,702 Huge, enormous talent! And that is no fat joke. 842 00:36:06,704 --> 00:36:10,873 ♪ She's an uncover girl... ♪ 843 00:36:10,875 --> 00:36:14,142 ♪ Girl, girl... ♪ 844 00:36:14,144 --> 00:36:18,146 ♪ And she's gonna save the world ♪ 845 00:36:18,148 --> 00:36:21,851 ♪ World... ♪ 846 00:36:21,853 --> 00:36:23,789 ♪ She's an undercover girl ♪ 847 00:36:24,188 --> 00:36:26,088 I'm actually looking for some drag, as- 848 00:36:26,090 --> 00:36:28,090 as in clothing, for myself. 849 00:36:28,092 --> 00:36:29,057 Huh? 850 00:36:29,059 --> 00:36:31,226 It's a really long story. 851 00:36:31,228 --> 00:36:33,329 Well, long story made bearable by vodka. 852 00:36:33,331 --> 00:36:34,333 Come this way. 853 00:36:38,036 --> 00:36:42,005 What kind of a plastic surgeon has an office in an alley? 854 00:36:42,007 --> 00:36:44,007 This is not as comfortable as I thought. 855 00:36:44,009 --> 00:36:46,242 Focus up. Bianca del Rio's in there. 856 00:36:46,244 --> 00:36:47,409 I need you to go in there 857 00:36:47,411 --> 00:36:49,679 and come back out with a full report. 858 00:36:49,681 --> 00:36:52,851 If we're lucky, police will round up the whole fruit basket. 859 00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:58,354 When I have a student, they get class and sass. 860 00:36:58,356 --> 00:37:02,258 When Deborah has a student, they get wrinkly old ass. 861 00:37:02,260 --> 00:37:03,693 [laughs] 862 00:37:03,695 --> 00:37:04,863 Class dismissed! 863 00:37:06,764 --> 00:37:09,067 [screaming] Deb! 864 00:37:11,101 --> 00:37:12,200 Now go! Go! 865 00:37:12,202 --> 00:37:13,369 But, Mama... 866 00:37:13,371 --> 00:37:15,237 Oh, and watch out for that eye hole. 867 00:37:15,239 --> 00:37:17,373 They say they're not interested in your lady business. 868 00:37:17,375 --> 00:37:19,909 With these foreign perverts, you never know. 869 00:37:19,911 --> 00:37:20,913 Go. 870 00:37:21,813 --> 00:37:22,845 You got this. 871 00:37:22,847 --> 00:37:23,849 [door squeaks] 872 00:37:26,150 --> 00:37:27,685 [sniffs] 873 00:37:29,721 --> 00:37:31,056 [scoffs] 874 00:37:34,759 --> 00:37:36,695 ♪ 875 00:37:41,900 --> 00:37:42,999 So let me understand... 876 00:37:43,001 --> 00:37:46,034 You are found out to be gay teacher and then fired. 877 00:37:46,036 --> 00:37:47,135 Uh, yeah. 878 00:37:47,137 --> 00:37:48,737 Okay, and then sent to prison? 879 00:37:48,739 --> 00:37:49,938 No, no, no. 880 00:37:49,940 --> 00:37:52,307 I actually went back to school in drag as Bianca del Rio. 881 00:37:52,309 --> 00:37:54,142 Oh. So you are found out in drag 882 00:37:54,144 --> 00:37:55,311 and then sent to prison? 883 00:37:55,313 --> 00:37:56,878 No, no. I'm still teaching there. 884 00:37:56,880 --> 00:37:59,115 The person that fired me is the one who's in jail. 885 00:37:59,117 --> 00:38:01,217 This Texas, it must be magical place. 886 00:38:01,219 --> 00:38:02,452 What's the winter like? 887 00:38:02,454 --> 00:38:04,019 Bitter and haunting? 888 00:38:04,021 --> 00:38:06,988 Uh, no, not haunting. It's just pretty average. 889 00:38:06,990 --> 00:38:11,429 Oh! Let us drink to Texas, the magical kingdom of paradise. 890 00:38:15,400 --> 00:38:17,766 You know, I never thought about it that way, 891 00:38:17,768 --> 00:38:19,135 but Texas doesn't even sound that bad 892 00:38:19,137 --> 00:38:20,836 compared to Russia after all. 893 00:38:20,838 --> 00:38:22,104 Ugh. 894 00:38:22,106 --> 00:38:23,340 When I think of the sad times here in Russia, I say to myself, 895 00:38:23,342 --> 00:38:26,242 “Katya. At least you're not living in Saudi Arabia.” 896 00:38:26,244 --> 00:38:27,844 They have the killings, of course, 897 00:38:27,846 --> 00:38:29,211 but think of desert drag. 898 00:38:29,213 --> 00:38:30,479 Sand up your tuck? 899 00:38:30,481 --> 00:38:31,947 It's disgusting. 900 00:38:31,949 --> 00:38:33,349 Well, look at the bright side. 901 00:38:33,351 --> 00:38:35,016 You could probably make a pearl. 902 00:38:35,018 --> 00:38:36,385 I could have pearl necklace? 903 00:38:36,387 --> 00:38:37,820 [chuckles] 904 00:38:37,822 --> 00:38:40,155 You know, I'm-I'm- I'm just curious. 905 00:38:40,157 --> 00:38:41,891 It's like, why are all these posters up 906 00:38:41,893 --> 00:38:43,825 of this Svetlana bitch? 907 00:38:43,827 --> 00:38:45,927 Uck! The queens here are obsessed with her. 908 00:38:45,929 --> 00:38:48,197 But isn't she the one who hates all the gays? 909 00:38:48,199 --> 00:38:49,499 Yes, but not always so. 910 00:38:49,501 --> 00:38:52,802 She was at one time Moscow's biggest, how you say like, um, 911 00:38:52,804 --> 00:38:54,103 stick witch. 912 00:38:54,105 --> 00:38:55,371 - Fag hag? - Da! 913 00:38:55,373 --> 00:38:56,805 It was the classic tale. 914 00:38:56,807 --> 00:38:57,940 Woman love gays. 915 00:38:57,942 --> 00:38:59,008 Gays love woman. 916 00:38:59,010 --> 00:39:00,309 Woman turns her hair red. 917 00:39:00,311 --> 00:39:01,911 Gays talk shit at brunch. 918 00:39:01,913 --> 00:39:04,246 Woman becomes Minister of Homosexual Propaganda, 919 00:39:04,248 --> 00:39:07,182 sends all her gay friends to the Siberian work camp. 920 00:39:07,184 --> 00:39:09,217 Woo! That must have been some brunch. 921 00:39:09,219 --> 00:39:10,920 No, it was an awful brunch. 922 00:39:10,922 --> 00:39:12,521 One egg and piece of toast for a party of twelve. 923 00:39:12,523 --> 00:39:14,792 There is nothing worse than a hungry queen. 924 00:39:15,860 --> 00:39:17,126 Gorky Park was one of them. 925 00:39:17,128 --> 00:39:18,961 She was the only survivor. 926 00:39:18,963 --> 00:39:20,896 What happened to everyone else? 927 00:39:20,898 --> 00:39:21,963 She ate them. 928 00:39:21,965 --> 00:39:22,965 Look at that fat fucking bitch. 929 00:39:22,967 --> 00:39:25,034 How else would you survive winter in Siberia? 930 00:39:25,036 --> 00:39:27,804 Anyways, I'm sorry I become emotional. 931 00:39:27,806 --> 00:39:29,204 [sighs] Let me ask you. 932 00:39:29,206 --> 00:39:31,941 Who is this weird guy you are hanging out with? 933 00:39:31,943 --> 00:39:33,208 He is boyfriend? 934 00:39:33,210 --> 00:39:34,242 Boyfriend? 935 00:39:34,244 --> 00:39:35,378 Oh, with Rex? 936 00:39:35,380 --> 00:39:37,146 Oh, God, that's not my boyfriend. 937 00:39:37,148 --> 00:39:38,347 He's somewhere around here. 938 00:39:38,349 --> 00:39:40,048 He was whistling at some guy earlier. 939 00:39:40,050 --> 00:39:41,818 Oh, that's him right there by the bathroom. 940 00:39:41,820 --> 00:39:44,519 I don't suck dick, but I'll put it in my mouth 941 00:39:44,521 --> 00:39:46,555 till the swelling goes down. 942 00:39:46,557 --> 00:39:48,326 [giggles, then sighs] 943 00:39:48,927 --> 00:39:50,258 I arrest you. 944 00:39:50,260 --> 00:39:52,063 Oh yes, daddy! 945 00:39:52,597 --> 00:39:53,896 Oh!... 946 00:39:53,898 --> 00:39:56,132 Oh, wait. You're serious. 947 00:39:56,134 --> 00:39:57,400 You, too, tranny. 948 00:39:57,402 --> 00:39:59,501 [squeals] Get your hands off of me. 949 00:39:59,503 --> 00:40:01,539 Oh, no! Secret police! 950 00:40:02,172 --> 00:40:03,338 I'm not one of them! 951 00:40:03,340 --> 00:40:04,342 Hold that thought. 952 00:40:06,244 --> 00:40:07,242 [siren blaring] 953 00:40:07,244 --> 00:40:09,211 Oh, no! The paddy wagon! 954 00:40:09,213 --> 00:40:10,815 [screams] 955 00:40:11,048 --> 00:40:12,148 [inaudible chatter] 956 00:40:12,150 --> 00:40:13,050 Nyet! 957 00:40:16,119 --> 00:40:17,286 [bike bell rings] Weeee! 958 00:40:17,288 --> 00:40:19,224 Wait! Wait! 959 00:40:20,358 --> 00:40:21,527 You! 960 00:40:22,092 --> 00:40:23,161 [gasps] 961 00:40:31,168 --> 00:40:32,837 [crowd yelling, screaming] 962 00:40:42,547 --> 00:40:44,280 This whole trip - 963 00:40:44,282 --> 00:40:46,382 I should have known you were behind it! 964 00:40:46,384 --> 00:40:48,119 Eat trash, sissy pants! 965 00:40:49,019 --> 00:40:50,389 Aw, fuck! 966 00:40:58,161 --> 00:40:59,263 Ahhh! Hey! 967 00:41:02,233 --> 00:41:03,335 [cackles] 968 00:41:04,469 --> 00:41:06,038 [both yelling] 969 00:41:18,983 --> 00:41:20,318 Son of a bitch! 970 00:41:28,159 --> 00:41:29,327 Mama! 971 00:41:30,094 --> 00:41:31,163 [laughing victoriously] 972 00:41:32,030 --> 00:41:33,131 Mama! 973 00:41:50,481 --> 00:41:52,280 [breathing heavily] So-so what'd you do 974 00:41:52,282 --> 00:41:54,282 to get out of jail, Deborah? 975 00:41:54,284 --> 00:41:56,284 Did ya have sex with the warden? 976 00:41:56,286 --> 00:41:57,954 I know that he's your uncle. 977 00:41:57,956 --> 00:42:00,456 Oh, save your insults, Bianca del Richard, 978 00:42:00,458 --> 00:42:02,557 ‘cause now I'm the one holdin' the cat 979 00:42:02,559 --> 00:42:04,929 and you're the one fuckin' his legs. 980 00:42:05,563 --> 00:42:06,662 Wait. Hold on. 981 00:42:06,664 --> 00:42:08,463 How tight are your Spanx, Deborah? 982 00:42:08,465 --> 00:42:10,599 Is it cuttin' off the circulation to your brain? 983 00:42:10,601 --> 00:42:12,467 I mean, what have you done here? 984 00:42:12,469 --> 00:42:13,469 Revenge! 985 00:42:13,471 --> 00:42:16,706 I finally got revenge on Miss Bianca del Rio! 986 00:42:16,708 --> 00:42:18,474 Really queen, revenge? 987 00:42:18,476 --> 00:42:19,541 I'm the one standing here 988 00:42:19,543 --> 00:42:21,577 and your daughter's being hauled away to jail. 989 00:42:21,579 --> 00:42:24,079 Yeah, technically that wasn't part of the plan. 990 00:42:24,081 --> 00:42:25,715 Yeah, and... now we've lost them. 991 00:42:25,717 --> 00:42:28,450 Well, I got you! 992 00:42:28,452 --> 00:42:29,985 Wait, hold up. 993 00:42:29,987 --> 00:42:31,987 I don't know the way back to the hotel. 994 00:42:31,989 --> 00:42:33,255 Wait for me. 995 00:42:33,257 --> 00:42:34,492 [laughs] 996 00:42:38,362 --> 00:42:40,665 [chattering back and forth] 997 00:42:58,048 --> 00:43:00,583 Do you have any idea how dangerous Russia is? 998 00:43:00,585 --> 00:43:02,650 We should not have come here in the first place. 999 00:43:02,652 --> 00:43:05,054 No! You never shoulda come to Texas. 1000 00:43:05,056 --> 00:43:06,755 You brought this on yourself, gay boy. 1001 00:43:06,757 --> 00:43:08,523 All I wanted to do was teach. 1002 00:43:08,525 --> 00:43:10,159 You were the one who shoulda been 1003 00:43:10,161 --> 00:43:11,159 minding your own fucking business. 1004 00:43:11,161 --> 00:43:13,095 You queers shouldn't be around children. 1005 00:43:13,097 --> 00:43:14,396 Funny coming from you. 1006 00:43:14,398 --> 00:43:16,197 Aren't you the one who got caught having sex 1007 00:43:16,199 --> 00:43:18,434 with a high school student, Miss First?! 1008 00:43:18,436 --> 00:43:21,070 He looked legal - from the waist down. 1009 00:43:21,072 --> 00:43:22,271 You're just jealous. 1010 00:43:22,273 --> 00:43:25,106 The only person endangering a child around here is you. 1011 00:43:25,108 --> 00:43:27,242 Where's your daughter Carly? In jail? 1012 00:43:27,244 --> 00:43:29,110 She knew there might be sacrifices. 1013 00:43:29,112 --> 00:43:30,646 Besides, it was worth it 1014 00:43:30,648 --> 00:43:32,815 seein' that hooker friend of yours locked up. 1015 00:43:32,817 --> 00:43:34,583 She prefers whore. 1016 00:43:34,585 --> 00:43:36,786 Oh yeah? Well, you're next, flame sauce. 1017 00:43:36,788 --> 00:43:38,456 You better watch yourself. 1018 00:43:39,724 --> 00:43:41,123 Where are you going? 1019 00:43:41,125 --> 00:43:43,592 Oh, I got the room next door. 1020 00:43:43,594 --> 00:43:45,496 Got a special rate. 1021 00:43:47,565 --> 00:43:48,633 [scoffs] 1022 00:43:53,771 --> 00:43:56,307 [phone buzzing] 1023 00:43:56,740 --> 00:43:58,309 This bitch. 1024 00:44:00,110 --> 00:44:01,510 Perfect timing. 1025 00:44:01,512 --> 00:44:03,211 Sorry to interrupt nothing. 1026 00:44:03,213 --> 00:44:04,713 Rex wasn't answering his phone. 1027 00:44:04,715 --> 00:44:05,847 Where is he? 1028 00:44:05,849 --> 00:44:07,450 Another Netflix and chill? 1029 00:44:07,452 --> 00:44:08,550 Hulu and hump? 1030 00:44:08,552 --> 00:44:09,684 Amazon and anal? 1031 00:44:09,686 --> 00:44:12,153 We're in Russia. Rex is in a Gulag. 1032 00:44:12,155 --> 00:44:14,123 Come on, girl. Who's Gulag? 1033 00:44:14,125 --> 00:44:15,791 It's a Russian prison. 1034 00:44:15,793 --> 00:44:17,827 They've taken Rex, they've taken my Bianca drag, 1035 00:44:17,829 --> 00:44:20,829 and I'm in some hideous hotel with Deborah. 1036 00:44:20,831 --> 00:44:22,764 She set me up, again. 1037 00:44:22,766 --> 00:44:25,101 Well, I guess now is not the best time to tell you 1038 00:44:25,103 --> 00:44:27,635 that I'm not really on a cruise ship, girl. 1039 00:44:27,637 --> 00:44:30,305 I'm a contestant on “RuPaul's Drag Race.” 1040 00:44:30,307 --> 00:44:31,307 [giggles] 1041 00:44:31,309 --> 00:44:32,374 Well, if you're calling already 1042 00:44:32,376 --> 00:44:34,577 I guess we're both not getting $100,000. 1043 00:44:34,579 --> 00:44:36,711 Sister, how dare you say that! 1044 00:44:36,713 --> 00:44:38,646 Do you know what I've been goin' through over here, girl? 1045 00:44:38,648 --> 00:44:40,115 Save it, Martin Luther Queen. 1046 00:44:40,117 --> 00:44:41,550 I'm in a jam here. 1047 00:44:41,552 --> 00:44:43,452 I've got to find a way to get Rex out of prison 1048 00:44:43,454 --> 00:44:45,153 and get us back to America. 1049 00:44:45,155 --> 00:44:47,289 And drag alone ain't gonna fix it. 1050 00:44:47,291 --> 00:44:49,891 Bianca del Rio solved your Deborah problem before. 1051 00:44:49,893 --> 00:44:51,459 Now I know she can do it again. 1052 00:44:51,461 --> 00:44:53,896 Listen, if drag can fix a face like yours... 1053 00:44:53,898 --> 00:44:56,101 Uh, I'm hanging up now. 1054 00:44:59,302 --> 00:45:01,403 - Nice try, Bitch. - Thanks, girl. 1055 00:45:01,405 --> 00:45:03,639 Did you see it, girl? They pulled a pag. Woo! 1056 00:45:03,641 --> 00:45:05,510 It's all right. There's always All Stars. 1057 00:45:09,614 --> 00:45:10,746 Bitch! 1058 00:45:10,748 --> 00:45:13,249 You know you're not supposed to be on your phone. 1059 00:45:13,251 --> 00:45:15,751 Listen, I need your help pullin' together some new looks. 1060 00:45:15,753 --> 00:45:17,253 It's an emergency. 1061 00:45:17,255 --> 00:45:19,822 That's what I told you on the runway, fag. 1062 00:45:19,824 --> 00:45:21,023 Now get! 1063 00:45:21,025 --> 00:45:24,325 Bunny, reach up into that Moroccan bizarre up on your head 1064 00:45:24,327 --> 00:45:27,362 and pull me out a #12 brunette wig now. 1065 00:45:27,364 --> 00:45:29,197 Does anyone else around here 1066 00:45:29,199 --> 00:45:32,568 hear an irritating screeching voice that just won't quit! 1067 00:45:32,570 --> 00:45:34,405 La-la-la-la-la-la! 1068 00:45:34,938 --> 00:45:36,938 We have to help Bianca del Rio. 1069 00:45:36,940 --> 00:45:39,708 Oh, the one whose face looks like a smashed-in piñata? 1070 00:45:39,710 --> 00:45:41,443 I cannot believe you would say something like... 1071 00:45:41,445 --> 00:45:42,510 - But! - Yes, ma'am. 1072 00:45:42,512 --> 00:45:44,746 Anything to shut you up. 1073 00:45:44,748 --> 00:45:46,815 Just reach into the left, 1074 00:45:46,817 --> 00:45:49,684 passed the gerbil cage, which is open. 1075 00:45:49,686 --> 00:45:52,423 Oh! I think I found Natalee Holloway. 1076 00:45:54,525 --> 00:45:56,427 ♪ 1077 00:45:59,797 --> 00:46:02,367 I know that you're following me. 1078 00:46:03,568 --> 00:46:06,138 [with Russian accent] Is not me. Is bowl of borscht! 1079 00:46:12,610 --> 00:46:13,775 Fresh meat. 1080 00:46:13,777 --> 00:46:16,280 More like day-old bread back. 1081 00:46:23,286 --> 00:46:26,354 Someone smells fishy... Too fishy. 1082 00:46:26,356 --> 00:46:27,923 They think I'm one of you. 1083 00:46:27,925 --> 00:46:31,860 If by one of you, you mean a blond slut, then yes. 1084 00:46:31,862 --> 00:46:33,095 Yes, ya are. 1085 00:46:33,097 --> 00:46:36,599 The guard called me a tranny. He said I had a meaty tuck. 1086 00:46:36,601 --> 00:46:39,601 I know you. You're the girl from Richard's school. 1087 00:46:39,603 --> 00:46:41,970 Your mother's insane and a snake bit your boobs off. 1088 00:46:41,972 --> 00:46:43,671 Did we meet back in Texas? 1089 00:46:43,673 --> 00:46:45,273 Oh, no. Stephen made a picture book 1090 00:46:45,275 --> 00:46:46,874 for me to read on the way so I would know 1091 00:46:46,876 --> 00:46:48,010 who all the players are, 1092 00:46:48,012 --> 00:46:50,311 and he did not do you justice, girl. 1093 00:46:50,313 --> 00:46:53,282 [giggles] What are they gonna do to us in here? 1094 00:46:53,284 --> 00:46:55,550 Keep us here forever, if they want. 1095 00:46:55,552 --> 00:46:56,784 That's not fair. 1096 00:46:56,786 --> 00:46:58,086 Welcome to my world, 1097 00:46:58,088 --> 00:47:01,356 which now that they think you're one of us is your world, too. 1098 00:47:01,358 --> 00:47:02,858 That's how it is. 1099 00:47:02,860 --> 00:47:05,793 Fire us, imprison us, don't text us back - 1100 00:47:05,795 --> 00:47:07,463 whatever they want. 1101 00:47:07,465 --> 00:47:09,530 I'm sorry. I didn't know it would be like this. 1102 00:47:09,532 --> 00:47:10,532 Oh, you're from Texas. 1103 00:47:10,534 --> 00:47:12,470 I'm sure there's a lot you don't know. 1104 00:47:15,806 --> 00:47:17,438 I'm Vickie Leaks. 1105 00:47:17,440 --> 00:47:18,941 I run this joint. 1106 00:47:18,943 --> 00:47:22,278 What are you in for, fish stick? That dress? 1107 00:47:22,280 --> 00:47:25,380 No, for cutting hog-bodied queens who wear Jaclyn Smith 1108 00:47:25,382 --> 00:47:27,483 and try to start what they can't finish. 1109 00:47:27,485 --> 00:47:31,487 Honey, Rampage is a brand, not a way of life. 1110 00:47:31,489 --> 00:47:35,523 Don't take it out on me because you aged out of Wet Seal. 1111 00:47:35,525 --> 00:47:38,559 I've got a knife up in my wig. Let's dance, bitch. 1112 00:47:38,561 --> 00:47:40,795 Simmer down, Hot Topic! 1113 00:47:40,797 --> 00:47:42,600 I'm just taking your temperature. 1114 00:47:46,503 --> 00:47:47,672 Thanks for that. 1115 00:47:48,438 --> 00:47:51,340 Do you really have a knife in your wig? 1116 00:47:51,342 --> 00:47:53,309 An emery board and lipstick. 1117 00:47:53,311 --> 00:47:54,642 [chuckles] 1118 00:47:54,644 --> 00:47:56,644 I'm Carly, by the way. 1119 00:47:56,646 --> 00:47:58,746 I'm Rex... And don't worry about her. 1120 00:47:58,748 --> 00:48:00,081 She's just testing you. 1121 00:48:00,083 --> 00:48:02,483 The first night it's all about trying to see how tough you are. 1122 00:48:02,485 --> 00:48:05,653 Anyone tries to mess with you, you just mess right back. 1123 00:48:05,655 --> 00:48:08,691 Hopefully, my mom will be here soon to get me out. 1124 00:48:08,693 --> 00:48:10,825 The same mother who tried to use you 1125 00:48:10,827 --> 00:48:12,927 to exact her revenge on someone else? 1126 00:48:12,929 --> 00:48:15,463 You're not her accomplice; you're her victim. 1127 00:48:15,465 --> 00:48:16,731 You think so? 1128 00:48:16,733 --> 00:48:18,666 I can speak for many a queen when I say 1129 00:48:18,668 --> 00:48:20,501 you cannot let a bad mother 1130 00:48:20,503 --> 00:48:22,938 keep in the way of you being fabulous. 1131 00:48:22,940 --> 00:48:25,974 You've got a cute face and legs, legs, legs. 1132 00:48:25,976 --> 00:48:27,008 [giggles] 1133 00:48:27,010 --> 00:48:30,012 I've spent my whole life hatin' homosexuals, 1134 00:48:30,014 --> 00:48:31,914 but you're really nice. 1135 00:48:31,916 --> 00:48:33,148 Oh, no, girlie. I'm mean as hell. 1136 00:48:33,150 --> 00:48:35,717 You're just seeing me as a real person for the first time. 1137 00:48:35,719 --> 00:48:37,721 That's all we are. We're all just people. 1138 00:48:43,360 --> 00:48:45,396 Except that bitch. I don't know what she is. 1139 00:48:53,536 --> 00:48:55,673 You wanna play Go Fishy? 1140 00:48:57,440 --> 00:49:00,008 Did you smuggle that deck of cards in your wig, too? 1141 00:49:00,010 --> 00:49:02,978 The cavity search wasn't very thorough... 1142 00:49:02,980 --> 00:49:04,815 Unfortunately. 1143 00:49:09,119 --> 00:49:10,855 [crashing sound] 1144 00:49:11,155 --> 00:49:12,854 I'm no Jessica Fletcher, 1145 00:49:12,856 --> 00:49:15,057 but I know when I'm being followed! 1146 00:49:15,059 --> 00:49:17,159 Come on out, Deborah. 1147 00:49:17,161 --> 00:49:18,894 How'd you know it was me? 1148 00:49:18,896 --> 00:49:20,028 I have eyes. 1149 00:49:20,030 --> 00:49:21,496 Yeah, four eyes! 1150 00:49:21,498 --> 00:49:23,033 [both laughing facetiously] 1151 00:49:23,733 --> 00:49:26,135 Look, Deborah, I'm gonna temporarily ignore 1152 00:49:26,137 --> 00:49:28,436 your psychotic blend of down-home homophobia 1153 00:49:28,438 --> 00:49:29,771 and lack of southern charm. 1154 00:49:29,773 --> 00:49:31,072 Considering we both have 1155 00:49:31,074 --> 00:49:32,874 two people that we care about in prison, 1156 00:49:32,876 --> 00:49:35,878 I think it's best that we work together to get them out. 1157 00:49:35,880 --> 00:49:37,146 You would do that? 1158 00:49:37,148 --> 00:49:39,548 Yes, I would do that. And I hate you. 1159 00:49:39,550 --> 00:49:41,450 I'm sorry. Hate is a strong word. 1160 00:49:41,452 --> 00:49:44,485 What I meant to say was I really hate you. 1161 00:49:44,487 --> 00:49:45,720 You don't get to hate me! 1162 00:49:45,722 --> 00:49:48,023 I get to hate you. I'm a good person. 1163 00:49:48,025 --> 00:49:50,458 I follow the teachin's of the Bible! 1164 00:49:50,460 --> 00:49:54,463 Shh!!! Shut up! They'll hear you. 1165 00:49:54,465 --> 00:49:56,130 What? Are the police still around? 1166 00:49:56,132 --> 00:49:57,132 No, the rats. 1167 00:49:57,134 --> 00:49:59,168 Their screech is like a God damn mating call. 1168 00:49:59,170 --> 00:50:00,538 Come. Let's go inside. 1169 00:50:04,775 --> 00:50:06,575 I really wish I had on a horrible dress 1170 00:50:06,577 --> 00:50:08,709 so I could talk to you hag to hag. 1171 00:50:08,711 --> 00:50:10,612 I'd call you a “see you next Tuesday,” 1172 00:50:10,614 --> 00:50:13,048 but that would imply I ever want to see you again. 1173 00:50:13,050 --> 00:50:14,115 Just say cunt, Deborah. 1174 00:50:14,117 --> 00:50:16,617 We're in Russia. Nobody knows what it means. 1175 00:50:16,619 --> 00:50:17,952 No, we have cunt here. 1176 00:50:17,954 --> 00:50:19,822 Is woman. Woman like her, small. 1177 00:50:19,824 --> 00:50:21,826 Not big in hips, but huge vagina. 1178 00:50:22,860 --> 00:50:25,994 Katya, this is Deborah, the one I was telling you about. 1179 00:50:25,996 --> 00:50:28,664 The wicked witch of the Western Hemisphere! 1180 00:50:28,666 --> 00:50:29,632 Oh, fuck you! 1181 00:50:29,634 --> 00:50:33,534 I am a good Christian, just like my president. 1182 00:50:33,536 --> 00:50:35,804 And I came to this Godless nation of yours - 1183 00:50:35,806 --> 00:50:37,104 it smells like a burnt cat - 1184 00:50:37,106 --> 00:50:38,941 to try to seek justice! 1185 00:50:38,943 --> 00:50:41,776 Nyet. You are obviously selfish, vindictive cunt, but no matter. 1186 00:50:41,778 --> 00:50:43,545 Look at this place. It's destroyed! 1187 00:50:43,547 --> 00:50:44,813 They took everything, everyone. 1188 00:50:44,815 --> 00:50:49,184 I barely escaped with my life and just a little bit of money. 1189 00:50:49,186 --> 00:50:50,052 You know what! 1190 00:50:50,054 --> 00:50:52,019 Rex never turns off his hookup apps. 1191 00:50:52,021 --> 00:50:54,655 He will no doubt be held under Kremlin in secret prison 1192 00:50:54,657 --> 00:50:56,992 operated by the fabulous Miss Svetlana Zlopasnost. 1193 00:50:56,994 --> 00:50:58,594 You think you could get us inside? 1194 00:50:58,596 --> 00:51:00,628 Maybe hack into the mainframe? 1195 00:51:00,630 --> 00:51:02,798 I wish, but I've maxed out on sexual favors 1196 00:51:02,800 --> 00:51:04,833 already this fiscal quarter. Not work. 1197 00:51:04,835 --> 00:51:05,900 Then what are we gonna do? 1198 00:51:05,902 --> 00:51:08,704 There is a secret program where local prostitutes 1199 00:51:08,706 --> 00:51:10,505 try to convert queers into straight, 1200 00:51:10,507 --> 00:51:13,041 but even as Russian whores, you two would be a stretch. No. 1201 00:51:13,043 --> 00:51:15,510 Well, maybe you can get us some disguises. 1202 00:51:15,512 --> 00:51:17,545 We have to find our way inside. 1203 00:51:17,547 --> 00:51:19,581 We could make visit as relatives. 1204 00:51:19,583 --> 00:51:21,083 Simple quick “hello” and “goodbye.” 1205 00:51:21,085 --> 00:51:22,851 It might work, but we have to go now. 1206 00:51:22,853 --> 00:51:25,253 Gorky Park is there. It is way past her feeding time. 1207 00:51:25,255 --> 00:51:26,458 Let's hurry! 1208 00:51:27,992 --> 00:51:29,461 Come on, Debbie! 1209 00:51:35,132 --> 00:51:37,202 Make fast. Secret police everywhere. 1210 00:51:38,568 --> 00:51:40,137 No one's gonna believe these disguises. 1211 00:51:41,105 --> 00:51:42,840 I've never felt so pretty. 1212 00:51:44,875 --> 00:51:47,543 Eh... All Russian women look like man. 1213 00:51:47,545 --> 00:51:48,776 Who can tell difference? 1214 00:51:48,778 --> 00:51:51,713 Now, we're just relatives visiting, sisters. 1215 00:51:51,715 --> 00:51:53,651 Now go to door on right. They let you in. 1216 00:51:54,117 --> 00:51:56,584 Wait, wait, wait. You're not coming with us? 1217 00:51:56,586 --> 00:51:58,753 No. Is too dangerous for Katya. 1218 00:51:58,755 --> 00:52:01,789 If I don't get to see you, it was nice to meet you... 1219 00:52:01,791 --> 00:52:02,858 and good luck... 1220 00:52:02,860 --> 00:52:04,559 You'll need it. Bye. 1221 00:52:04,561 --> 00:52:05,963 Wait, I... 1222 00:52:06,163 --> 00:52:06,963 Come on. 1223 00:52:10,099 --> 00:52:11,566 When we get inside, I'm gonna get 1224 00:52:11,568 --> 00:52:13,568 all the information from Carly that I can. 1225 00:52:13,570 --> 00:52:14,903 Yeah, funny coming from you. 1226 00:52:14,905 --> 00:52:16,338 You don't even know the difference between 1227 00:52:16,340 --> 00:52:18,206 french bread and a french braid! 1228 00:52:18,208 --> 00:52:19,675 I'll take care of it. 1229 00:52:19,677 --> 00:52:21,809 You! You fell for this entire scam. 1230 00:52:21,811 --> 00:52:23,177 You thought you were gettin' prize money 1231 00:52:23,179 --> 00:52:25,246 for a science fair in Russia. [chuckles] 1232 00:52:25,248 --> 00:52:27,682 I mean suck it, fag lady! I won! 1233 00:52:27,684 --> 00:52:30,251 Can you please keep it down?! Here come those horny rats! 1234 00:52:30,253 --> 00:52:31,522 Go, go! 1235 00:52:39,829 --> 00:52:41,329 ♪ 1236 00:52:41,331 --> 00:52:46,136 Category is... prison drag realness. 1237 00:52:59,882 --> 00:53:01,650 This look doesn't “Jail House Rock” 1238 00:53:01,652 --> 00:53:04,086 so much as give me “Folsom Prison Blues.” 1239 00:53:04,088 --> 00:53:06,722 Oh, it's not that bad. Maybe a little tight. 1240 00:53:06,724 --> 00:53:07,856 Tight? 1241 00:53:07,858 --> 00:53:11,228 She should get ten to life for murdering those seams. 1242 00:53:12,161 --> 00:53:14,061 (Russian guard) Okay, playtime is over. 1243 00:53:14,063 --> 00:53:15,332 Back inside. 1244 00:53:17,735 --> 00:53:18,900 You have visitor. 1245 00:53:18,902 --> 00:53:20,369 You, too, tranny. 1246 00:53:20,371 --> 00:53:22,170 I'm obviously in the middle of something. 1247 00:53:22,172 --> 00:53:23,304 Who is it? 1248 00:53:23,306 --> 00:53:25,240 It's mean woman with fat ass. 1249 00:53:25,242 --> 00:53:26,778 Oh, that's Bianca. 1250 00:53:33,117 --> 00:53:34,349 I don't know her. 1251 00:53:34,351 --> 00:53:35,920 I can see you. 1252 00:53:39,188 --> 00:53:40,222 (Guard) Nyet! 1253 00:53:40,224 --> 00:53:41,322 No touch! 1254 00:53:41,324 --> 00:53:42,324 I wouldn't touch her. 1255 00:53:42,326 --> 00:53:44,860 She's like a vending machine full of STDs. 1256 00:53:44,862 --> 00:53:46,095 How did you get in here? 1257 00:53:46,097 --> 00:53:48,996 Well, obviously, I told them I was your much younger sister. 1258 00:53:48,998 --> 00:53:51,400 They're stupid, not blind. 1259 00:53:51,402 --> 00:53:53,834 Anyway, where is your whole Bianca del Rio? 1260 00:53:53,836 --> 00:53:56,371 This is not what I was expecting. 1261 00:53:56,373 --> 00:53:57,773 Don't you remember? 1262 00:53:57,775 --> 00:53:59,775 They took Bianca. She is gone. 1263 00:53:59,777 --> 00:54:02,778 Everything you need is in the suitcase. 1264 00:54:02,780 --> 00:54:04,211 You worry too much. 1265 00:54:04,213 --> 00:54:06,748 This place is much nicer than our hotel, by the way. 1266 00:54:06,750 --> 00:54:08,316 At least here has room service. 1267 00:54:08,318 --> 00:54:10,818 And what are you gonna do if they send you to Siberia 1268 00:54:10,820 --> 00:54:13,156 and make you eat someone to stay alive? 1269 00:54:13,856 --> 00:54:15,257 Is he hot? 1270 00:54:15,259 --> 00:54:16,293 Focus! 1271 00:54:16,760 --> 00:54:18,193 How you holdin' up, Carly? 1272 00:54:18,195 --> 00:54:19,860 Well, I'd be a lot better if I wasn't 1273 00:54:19,862 --> 00:54:21,862 stuck in a Russian prison, thanks to you. 1274 00:54:21,864 --> 00:54:24,032 We've got to beat those queers! 1275 00:54:24,034 --> 00:54:25,967 You know how important it is. 1276 00:54:25,969 --> 00:54:27,735 All you think about is Bianca. 1277 00:54:27,737 --> 00:54:29,170 You don't even care what happens to me. 1278 00:54:29,172 --> 00:54:31,840 Maybe those homos aren't so bad, Mama. 1279 00:54:31,842 --> 00:54:34,075 I mean when Jacklyn Smith tried to stab me, 1280 00:54:34,077 --> 00:54:36,077 Rex is the one that protected me - 1281 00:54:36,079 --> 00:54:37,945 a lot more than you ever did. 1282 00:54:37,947 --> 00:54:39,116 That fruit fly? 1283 00:54:40,117 --> 00:54:41,916 Yeah. I think you're wrong about them. 1284 00:54:41,918 --> 00:54:43,784 Nah. You don't mean that. 1285 00:54:43,786 --> 00:54:45,420 It's got to be the Old Spice talkin'. 1286 00:54:45,422 --> 00:54:47,121 Listen. I don't want you to worry, 1287 00:54:47,123 --> 00:54:48,456 but we are trying to work on a plan 1288 00:54:48,458 --> 00:54:49,858 to get you out of here. 1289 00:54:49,860 --> 00:54:51,025 I'm not worried. 1290 00:54:51,027 --> 00:54:53,195 I've made this prison my bitch. 1291 00:54:53,197 --> 00:54:55,197 All the queens work for me now, 1292 00:54:55,199 --> 00:54:57,798 and that hot guard feeds me three times a day. 1293 00:54:57,800 --> 00:54:59,367 He brings you food? 1294 00:54:59,369 --> 00:55:01,036 Not exactly. 1295 00:55:01,038 --> 00:55:03,804 Now, Bianca and I are gonna get you both out of here together, 1296 00:55:03,806 --> 00:55:05,974 but I got a plan of my own. 1297 00:55:05,976 --> 00:55:07,508 Another plan, Mama? 1298 00:55:07,510 --> 00:55:09,411 Yeah. Bianca thinks I'm gonna help her, 1299 00:55:09,413 --> 00:55:10,479 but once you're free, 1300 00:55:10,481 --> 00:55:13,315 I'm gonna expose her for what she is, and bam! 1301 00:55:13,317 --> 00:55:14,349 She's gone! 1302 00:55:14,351 --> 00:55:16,784 You would do that after she helps get me out? 1303 00:55:16,786 --> 00:55:18,353 It's what we came here for. 1304 00:55:18,355 --> 00:55:21,990 I'm not leaving Russia till Bianca's locked up forever. 1305 00:55:21,992 --> 00:55:23,191 [chuckles] 1306 00:55:23,193 --> 00:55:25,860 Listen. There's got to be another way to get in here. 1307 00:55:25,862 --> 00:55:28,162 Do you think I could pass as one of those guards? 1308 00:55:28,164 --> 00:55:30,231 Hmm... Origami is straighter than you. 1309 00:55:30,233 --> 00:55:31,867 The only other option is actually 1310 00:55:31,869 --> 00:55:33,934 better suited for you than it is for me. 1311 00:55:33,936 --> 00:55:36,170 Oh, you mean the hookers! 1312 00:55:36,172 --> 00:55:39,340 Yeah. We have straight conversion therapy tomorrow. 1313 00:55:39,342 --> 00:55:42,846 I'm gonna have sex with a gross Russian skank for science. 1314 00:55:44,081 --> 00:55:46,914 I can't wait to spank that bitch. [giggles] 1315 00:55:46,916 --> 00:55:48,316 (Guard) No touch! 1316 00:55:48,318 --> 00:55:50,318 That's not what you said last night. 1317 00:55:50,320 --> 00:55:51,318 Time is up. 1318 00:55:51,320 --> 00:55:54,125 - Bye, Sis. - Bye. 1319 00:55:59,496 --> 00:56:02,363 These disguises barely got us to the door as family. 1320 00:56:02,365 --> 00:56:04,099 No one's ever gonna believe that we're hookers, 1321 00:56:04,101 --> 00:56:05,566 not even here in Russia. 1322 00:56:05,568 --> 00:56:07,235 We can't just leave Carly in there. 1323 00:56:07,237 --> 00:56:09,003 Prison's doin' terrible things to her. 1324 00:56:09,005 --> 00:56:10,572 She's not strong like I am. 1325 00:56:10,574 --> 00:56:13,074 I know. You can pull a cart. [laughs] 1326 00:56:13,076 --> 00:56:14,909 Okay. Insult me all you want, 1327 00:56:14,911 --> 00:56:16,378 but I got to get my daughter back. 1328 00:56:16,380 --> 00:56:18,246 Okay, fine. I will work out a plan 1329 00:56:18,248 --> 00:56:21,316 to get Rex and your atrocious offspring out of prison. 1330 00:56:21,318 --> 00:56:22,950 If you had that wig on right now, 1331 00:56:22,952 --> 00:56:24,385 I'd snatch it right off your head. 1332 00:56:24,387 --> 00:56:25,987 Yeah, that's the difference between us. 1333 00:56:25,989 --> 00:56:27,988 I'd just snatch out your own hair from the root. 1334 00:56:27,990 --> 00:56:29,193 [chuckles] 1335 00:56:30,393 --> 00:56:32,362 - Ya hungry? - I could eat. 1336 00:56:34,364 --> 00:56:38,001 ♪ 1337 00:56:45,409 --> 00:56:46,510 Nothing. 1338 00:56:50,047 --> 00:56:53,882 That glue-sniffin' dummy is gonna end up in Siberia... 1339 00:56:53,884 --> 00:56:55,519 If Gorky doesn't eat him first. 1340 00:56:56,853 --> 00:56:59,089 Well, at last he's gettin' laid. 1341 00:57:14,237 --> 00:57:17,371 Oh, look. It's me in a faggy tie. 1342 00:57:17,373 --> 00:57:19,974 Bianca del Rio, what are you doing here? 1343 00:57:19,976 --> 00:57:22,344 This is your 'come to Jesus' moment, Richard, 1344 00:57:22,346 --> 00:57:25,146 but Jesus was busy, so you got me. 1345 00:57:25,148 --> 00:57:27,081 But how am I gonna get Rex out of prison? 1346 00:57:27,083 --> 00:57:29,251 Rex can take care of himself. 1347 00:57:29,253 --> 00:57:30,952 You baby him too much. 1348 00:57:30,954 --> 00:57:32,586 He is literally an adult baby. 1349 00:57:32,588 --> 00:57:35,590 Anything he can grab, he sticks up his nose or in his mouth. 1350 00:57:35,592 --> 00:57:36,825 Or ass. 1351 00:57:36,827 --> 00:57:39,327 Rex is a lot like wig glue, more versatile than you think. 1352 00:57:39,329 --> 00:57:42,597 It has a lot of uses if you put your mind to it. 1353 00:57:42,599 --> 00:57:45,166 But how am I gonna get him out of that prison? 1354 00:57:45,168 --> 00:57:46,434 Find me. 1355 00:57:46,436 --> 00:57:49,970 Your way in is your way out. 1356 00:57:49,972 --> 00:57:53,340 Eating Chinese food late at night is a big mistake. 1357 00:57:53,342 --> 00:57:55,476 Now I'm dreamin' in fortune cookie. 1358 00:57:55,478 --> 00:57:59,146 How is Rex like a vending machine full of STDs? 1359 00:57:59,148 --> 00:58:02,284 ‘Cause when you put three quarters in, you get one. 1360 00:58:02,286 --> 00:58:04,422 [groans] Get out of my head. 1361 00:58:05,222 --> 00:58:08,459 [laughs, nonsensical babbling] 1362 00:58:10,460 --> 00:58:11,929 Dream over. 1363 00:58:12,663 --> 00:58:13,931 [snorts] 1364 00:58:17,000 --> 00:58:19,469 I come up with my best insults while sleeping. 1365 00:58:19,969 --> 00:58:20,971 Wig glue. 1366 00:58:32,014 --> 00:58:33,516 [knock on door] Shit! 1367 00:58:35,485 --> 00:58:37,655 [knocking continues] 1368 00:58:41,425 --> 00:58:43,427 [woman grunting, groaning] 1369 00:58:44,527 --> 00:58:50,367 International overnight delivery for Richard Martinez, huh? 1370 00:58:53,135 --> 00:58:54,501 Um, wh...? 1371 00:58:54,503 --> 00:58:55,672 Hey, hey! Wha...? 1372 00:59:02,579 --> 00:59:04,378 [speaks Russian], bitch! 1373 00:59:04,380 --> 00:59:06,149 [squeals, laughs] 1374 00:59:06,650 --> 00:59:08,416 What the hell does that mean? 1375 00:59:08,418 --> 00:59:11,086 I think it's “halleloo” in Russian. 1376 00:59:11,088 --> 00:59:12,619 - Yes! - I have a better question. 1377 00:59:12,621 --> 00:59:14,322 What the hell are you doing in a box? 1378 00:59:14,324 --> 00:59:17,358 Honey, airfare is expensive and, you know, 1379 00:59:17,360 --> 00:59:19,494 some of us didn't win “RuPaul's Drag Race.” 1380 00:59:19,496 --> 00:59:21,295 Ooh, the girls are hateful. You'll see. 1381 00:59:21,297 --> 00:59:23,999 I don't watch reality television. 1382 00:59:24,001 --> 00:59:25,666 Well, it turns out that that “Frontline” episode 1383 00:59:25,668 --> 00:59:28,003 on human trafficking is a lot more informative 1384 00:59:28,005 --> 00:59:29,537 than I think it was meant to be. 1385 00:59:29,539 --> 00:59:32,106 Well, I'm not sure if that's good or bad. 1386 00:59:32,108 --> 00:59:35,709 Whoa, baby, with me, it's always a good thing because... 1387 00:59:35,711 --> 00:59:39,179 say hello to my little friend. 1388 00:59:39,181 --> 00:59:40,648 [both screaming, laughing] 1389 00:59:40,650 --> 00:59:42,316 I love you. 1390 00:59:42,318 --> 00:59:44,084 You old bitch. 1391 00:59:44,086 --> 00:59:46,021 Old? Honey, you must be talkin' to that wig, 1392 00:59:46,023 --> 00:59:48,188 because you know there are at least ten years 1393 00:59:48,190 --> 00:59:49,557 between me and you. 1394 00:59:49,559 --> 00:59:50,825 Well, let me tell you this - 1395 00:59:50,827 --> 00:59:53,728 Rex is gonna have ten years in prison if we don't get him out, 1396 00:59:53,730 --> 00:59:57,097 but I think I have a plan. 1397 00:59:57,099 --> 00:59:58,566 Ohhh!!! 1398 00:59:58,568 --> 01:00:00,534 Do you have a plan to get me out of this box? 1399 01:00:00,536 --> 01:00:02,237 - Come on, girl. Just lean... - Bitch, I know. 1400 01:00:02,239 --> 01:00:03,604 Honey, the overage charges for the weight. 1401 01:00:03,606 --> 01:00:05,373 They tried to say I was 150 pounds, bitch. 1402 01:00:05,375 --> 01:00:06,443 Ahhh! 1403 01:00:07,476 --> 01:00:12,315 ♪ 1404 01:00:35,271 --> 01:00:37,338 Ooh! You look fabulous! 1405 01:00:37,340 --> 01:00:40,474 See, I told you... Bianca will fix everything. 1406 01:00:40,476 --> 01:00:43,545 Oh, girl, it's just drag, not a cure for herpes. 1407 01:00:43,547 --> 01:00:45,380 No, honey, if you want a cure for herpes, 1408 01:00:45,382 --> 01:00:47,548 you leave Rex up in that solitary confinement. 1409 01:00:47,550 --> 01:00:49,516 [both laughing] 1410 01:00:49,518 --> 01:00:53,454 You know, there's only one more thing we need... 1411 01:00:53,456 --> 01:00:54,692 Oh, Deborah! 1412 01:00:55,425 --> 01:00:57,791 Bianca del Rio... 1413 01:00:57,793 --> 01:00:59,860 as I live and breathe. 1414 01:00:59,862 --> 01:01:01,695 Yeah, we'll fix that later. 1415 01:01:01,697 --> 01:01:03,865 We've got lots of work to do... 1416 01:01:03,867 --> 01:01:05,236 on you. 1417 01:01:05,534 --> 01:01:06,636 [smacks lips] 1418 01:01:11,407 --> 01:01:15,278 ♪ 1419 01:01:42,539 --> 01:01:44,905 I've been waitin' a long time for this makeover. 1420 01:01:44,907 --> 01:01:46,441 How do I look? 1421 01:01:46,443 --> 01:01:48,342 Well, when I said I wanted to rearrange your face, 1422 01:01:48,344 --> 01:01:49,878 this is not what I had in mind. 1423 01:01:49,880 --> 01:01:51,378 My feet are killin' me. 1424 01:01:51,380 --> 01:01:53,280 How do you fruits walk in these heels anyway? 1425 01:01:53,282 --> 01:01:55,219 A lifetime of pain and sufferin'. 1426 01:01:55,684 --> 01:01:57,619 Hi. You must be Sacha. 1427 01:01:57,621 --> 01:01:58,820 I'm Bianca del Rio. 1428 01:01:58,822 --> 01:02:01,289 [Russian accent] You're a fancy prostitute? 1429 01:02:01,291 --> 01:02:04,391 I have no money, not even for the short one. 1430 01:02:04,393 --> 01:02:05,492 Uh, no. 1431 01:02:05,494 --> 01:02:07,628 We're actually here looking for my friend Mitya. 1432 01:02:07,630 --> 01:02:09,463 Dmitriy. He was here yesterday, 1433 01:02:09,465 --> 01:02:11,465 and I do believe that's his potato. 1434 01:02:11,467 --> 01:02:12,700 Not here. 1435 01:02:12,702 --> 01:02:14,702 At government job. 1436 01:02:14,704 --> 01:02:17,871 Today, I watch potato! 1437 01:02:17,873 --> 01:02:19,440 What's the big deal with the potato? 1438 01:02:19,442 --> 01:02:20,807 There is line for potato. 1439 01:02:20,809 --> 01:02:23,443 Hey, calm down, Potato Lady! 1440 01:02:23,445 --> 01:02:25,748 Um, Bianca's her pimp. 1441 01:02:26,382 --> 01:02:28,215 Listen. We need chemicals. 1442 01:02:28,217 --> 01:02:29,617 This is a science fair, isn't it? 1443 01:02:29,619 --> 01:02:30,818 There's got to be some place around here 1444 01:02:30,820 --> 01:02:34,655 we can buy or steal supplies to make a chemical reaction. 1445 01:02:34,657 --> 01:02:36,891 If you need work, I am also, 1446 01:02:36,893 --> 01:02:39,394 how you say, uh, pimp. 1447 01:02:39,396 --> 01:02:40,228 Oh. 1448 01:02:40,230 --> 01:02:43,463 These girls over here, not my best. 1449 01:02:43,465 --> 01:02:45,499 But prison not so picky. 1450 01:02:45,501 --> 01:02:46,434 [paper tearing] 1451 01:02:46,436 --> 01:02:49,272 This place might have what you look for. 1452 01:02:50,206 --> 01:02:51,539 Thank you. 1453 01:02:51,541 --> 01:02:53,675 Come on, girls. We've got some shopping to do. 1454 01:02:53,677 --> 01:02:55,742 We've got some shit to blow up. 1455 01:02:55,744 --> 01:02:56,913 [chuckles] 1456 01:03:04,420 --> 01:03:06,420 The secret prison is under the Kremlin. 1457 01:03:06,422 --> 01:03:08,555 We only saw the visitor center in the front, 1458 01:03:08,557 --> 01:03:10,525 which means the prisoners are in the back. 1459 01:03:10,527 --> 01:03:12,626 Okay, this is a crazy plan, even for you. 1460 01:03:12,628 --> 01:03:13,628 Oh, shut up. 1461 01:03:13,630 --> 01:03:15,630 Now you, you've got to pass these around 1462 01:03:15,632 --> 01:03:16,898 and wait for my signal. 1463 01:03:16,900 --> 01:03:19,601 I'm not sure if it's enough to put the Kremlin in orbit, 1464 01:03:19,603 --> 01:03:21,536 but it definitely will crack a few walls. 1465 01:03:21,538 --> 01:03:22,537 Now hold up now. 1466 01:03:22,539 --> 01:03:24,639 This is not gonna go off in my hand, right? 1467 01:03:24,641 --> 01:03:27,641 No! It's stable until you use the detonator. 1468 01:03:27,643 --> 01:03:29,245 You did bring the detonator? 1469 01:03:29,579 --> 01:03:31,545 - It's in my wig. - Good. 1470 01:03:31,547 --> 01:03:32,546 Wait a minute, though. 1471 01:03:32,548 --> 01:03:35,383 So they're supposed to hire ya'll hookers 1472 01:03:35,385 --> 01:03:36,851 to seduce the gays? 1473 01:03:36,853 --> 01:03:38,222 - Yeah. - Yeah. 1474 01:03:38,887 --> 01:03:39,923 Hmm. 1475 01:03:40,322 --> 01:03:41,255 Well, what are you gonna do 1476 01:03:41,257 --> 01:03:43,291 if they try to make you have sex with Rex? 1477 01:03:43,293 --> 01:03:46,628 I'm totally gonna bite down on the cyanide capsule in my molar. 1478 01:03:46,630 --> 01:03:47,795 You guys, look. 1479 01:03:47,797 --> 01:03:49,329 We're totally like "Charlie's Angels" right now. 1480 01:03:49,331 --> 01:03:50,865 Do-da-loo, do-da-loo, do-da-loo... 1481 01:03:50,867 --> 01:03:52,700 Hey... You're Bosley. 1482 01:03:52,702 --> 01:03:54,802 Oh, God. Here. Take this. 1483 01:03:54,804 --> 01:03:56,570 Here's the rest of ‘em. Get ‘em and go. 1484 01:03:56,572 --> 01:03:58,208 Beat it, queen. Do your job! 1485 01:03:59,009 --> 01:04:00,041 Now listen, Debbie. 1486 01:04:00,043 --> 01:04:01,909 I know we have not seen eye to eye, 1487 01:04:01,911 --> 01:04:04,378 because I've seen wiener dogs taller than you, 1488 01:04:04,380 --> 01:04:06,380 but you and I really need to work together 1489 01:04:06,382 --> 01:04:07,682 to make this happen. 1490 01:04:07,684 --> 01:04:08,983 You can count on me, 1491 01:04:08,985 --> 01:04:11,318 and I'm not just sayin' I'll work with you now 1492 01:04:11,320 --> 01:04:13,287 so I can double-cross you later. 1493 01:04:13,289 --> 01:04:14,657 - What? - What? 1494 01:04:15,358 --> 01:04:18,796 ♪ 1495 01:04:26,469 --> 01:04:28,271 - Tits up. - I'm tryin'. 1496 01:04:29,072 --> 01:04:30,374 [knocking on door] 1497 01:04:31,307 --> 01:04:32,407 Da? 1498 01:04:32,409 --> 01:04:34,941 Hi. We're the prostitutes here to fix the fags. 1499 01:04:34,943 --> 01:04:37,744 Yeah, uh, we're here to cure all the fags. 1500 01:04:37,746 --> 01:04:40,250 Calm down. I got this, Mother Teresa. 1501 01:04:42,552 --> 01:04:46,753 [scoffs] We've done worse, but not much worse. 1502 01:04:46,755 --> 01:04:47,755 Come inside. 1503 01:04:47,757 --> 01:04:49,960 Hmm... Don't mind if I do. 1504 01:04:50,994 --> 01:04:52,262 [sing-songy] Told ya. 1505 01:04:52,528 --> 01:04:53,594 Comrade! 1506 01:04:53,596 --> 01:04:55,362 We must to get to prison. 1507 01:04:55,364 --> 01:04:58,066 I feel a presence I have not felt since... 1508 01:04:58,068 --> 01:05:00,501 the last time your hand was on my ass. 1509 01:05:00,503 --> 01:05:01,472 Knock it off. 1510 01:05:02,539 --> 01:05:04,104 Don't mind the rats. The rats don't mind you. 1511 01:05:04,106 --> 01:05:06,474 I really like what you've done with the place. 1512 01:05:06,476 --> 01:05:07,941 It's so drab. 1513 01:05:07,943 --> 01:05:11,045 That's the radiation. We have leaky pipe. Watch step. 1514 01:05:11,047 --> 01:05:13,014 [gasps] Is that Plutonium? 1515 01:05:13,016 --> 01:05:15,583 Oh, that's Uranium-235. 1516 01:05:15,585 --> 01:05:17,117 - Very good. - Thanks. 1517 01:05:17,119 --> 01:05:18,885 Prisoner today thought it was Gatorade. 1518 01:05:18,887 --> 01:05:20,021 Stupid homo. 1519 01:05:20,023 --> 01:05:22,757 You're smarter than most whores we get. 1520 01:05:22,759 --> 01:05:24,925 - Oh, well. - But just as homey. 1521 01:05:24,927 --> 01:05:26,994 I'm sure you mean homely. 1522 01:05:26,996 --> 01:05:29,697 No, homey. My mother was whore. 1523 01:05:29,699 --> 01:05:30,800 In you go. 1524 01:05:31,701 --> 01:05:34,735 - Uh... - Uh, so what do we have to do? 1525 01:05:34,737 --> 01:05:39,106 Fix homo and I pay you one potato each. 1526 01:05:39,108 --> 01:05:43,110 One potato, two potato, three potato... 1527 01:05:43,112 --> 01:05:44,414 Nyet! 1528 01:05:44,713 --> 01:05:46,113 He seems nice. 1529 01:05:46,115 --> 01:05:47,483 [whimpers] 1530 01:05:49,952 --> 01:05:52,720 [Russian accent] Just to get set up. 1531 01:05:52,722 --> 01:05:54,054 Then we begin. 1532 01:05:54,056 --> 01:05:56,456 Now I've been to some kinky shit, 1533 01:05:56,458 --> 01:05:58,861 but this is weird, even for me. 1534 01:05:59,762 --> 01:06:02,463 I can't wait to see the skank you picked out for me, though. 1535 01:06:02,465 --> 01:06:04,367 I hope she's awful. 1536 01:06:05,101 --> 01:06:07,168 Oh, she is. 1537 01:06:07,170 --> 01:06:09,070 I thought there was gonna be more hookers. 1538 01:06:09,072 --> 01:06:10,405 I think it's just us. 1539 01:06:10,407 --> 01:06:11,440 How does this work? 1540 01:06:11,442 --> 01:06:13,173 Well, they've got him strapped to that machine 1541 01:06:13,175 --> 01:06:15,478 to test his sexual response. 1542 01:06:16,079 --> 01:06:17,878 Don't you watch “Masters of Sex?” 1543 01:06:17,880 --> 01:06:19,112 Premium cable? 1544 01:06:19,114 --> 01:06:21,449 I'm a teacher, not a lottery winner. 1545 01:06:21,451 --> 01:06:23,150 There's a lot of lotteries you didn't win. 1546 01:06:23,152 --> 01:06:25,853 (Rex) While you're down there... 1547 01:06:25,855 --> 01:06:27,088 [grunts] 1548 01:06:27,090 --> 01:06:28,588 Yes, daddy! 1549 01:06:28,590 --> 01:06:29,990 (Rex) Oh... Oh, look at that. 1550 01:06:29,992 --> 01:06:31,858 Now listen. They're gonna pick one of us, 1551 01:06:31,860 --> 01:06:33,094 hopefully you, 1552 01:06:33,096 --> 01:06:36,563 to go over there and grope him to see if they can turn him on. 1553 01:06:36,565 --> 01:06:39,099 Once he pops a boner, he's out of here, free. 1554 01:06:39,101 --> 01:06:40,802 This doesn't make sense. 1555 01:06:40,804 --> 01:06:44,938 We're in drag in a secret Russian prison under the Kremlin 1556 01:06:44,940 --> 01:06:47,575 tryin' to turn this gay slut straight. 1557 01:06:47,577 --> 01:06:50,644 And it's not like you sailed here on the good ship Logic, 1558 01:06:50,646 --> 01:06:51,748 did ya? 1559 01:06:56,518 --> 01:06:58,721 Buy a lady a drink first. 1560 01:06:59,188 --> 01:07:01,521 I'll take an Old Spice. 1561 01:07:01,523 --> 01:07:03,624 - Neat. - We must to test you. 1562 01:07:03,626 --> 01:07:05,193 Okay, which hooker you want? 1563 01:07:05,195 --> 01:07:07,728 Oh, this is like “Sophie's Choice,” 1564 01:07:07,730 --> 01:07:10,798 except I want to be the kid who goes to the gas chamber. 1565 01:07:10,800 --> 01:07:12,066 Is that an option? 1566 01:07:12,068 --> 01:07:13,601 I pick for you. 1567 01:07:13,603 --> 01:07:15,036 Now listen. I wanna help Rex, 1568 01:07:15,038 --> 01:07:17,572 but if she picks me, I don't know if I can do this. 1569 01:07:17,574 --> 01:07:18,905 It's gonna be me anyway. 1570 01:07:18,907 --> 01:07:20,208 I'm way prettier than you. 1571 01:07:20,210 --> 01:07:23,110 You really haven't caught onto this whole homosexuality thing, 1572 01:07:23,112 --> 01:07:24,679 have ya, Debbie? 1573 01:07:24,681 --> 01:07:26,481 Stop callin' me Debbie! 1574 01:07:26,483 --> 01:07:27,815 Rex is a walking hard-on. 1575 01:07:27,817 --> 01:07:29,150 All you have to do is go near him. 1576 01:07:29,152 --> 01:07:31,755 He'll pop a boner. You're a very lucky lady. 1577 01:07:32,255 --> 01:07:34,921 Okay... Show me hands. 1578 01:07:34,923 --> 01:07:36,691 Thumbs up! Hands. 1579 01:07:36,693 --> 01:07:37,858 Okay. Okay. 1580 01:07:37,860 --> 01:07:39,860 No syphilis, but we use them anyway. 1581 01:07:39,862 --> 01:07:40,795 Come on. 1582 01:07:40,797 --> 01:07:42,963 You very old whore. You know what to do. 1583 01:07:42,965 --> 01:07:45,099 Right here? Right now? In this lighting? 1584 01:07:45,101 --> 01:07:48,936 Make this queer a real man or you both die in Siberia. 1585 01:07:48,938 --> 01:07:51,171 I thought I was getting a potato. 1586 01:07:51,173 --> 01:07:53,974 Potato is for closers. 1587 01:07:53,976 --> 01:07:56,846 [sighs deeply] There's got to be another way. 1588 01:07:57,246 --> 01:07:59,012 Maybe Siberia's not so bad. 1589 01:07:59,014 --> 01:08:00,648 Oh, please. You know you want this. 1590 01:08:00,650 --> 01:08:02,617 You've wanted this since the night we met. 1591 01:08:02,619 --> 01:08:04,784 I tripped over you in a snow bank. 1592 01:08:04,786 --> 01:08:06,186 I thought you were homeless. 1593 01:08:06,188 --> 01:08:08,021 Oh, yeah? Then why did you try to kiss me, huh? 1594 01:08:08,023 --> 01:08:11,057 That wasn't a kiss. I was giving you mouth-to-mouth. 1595 01:08:11,059 --> 01:08:12,592 You weren't breathing. 1596 01:08:12,594 --> 01:08:14,931 Well, I'm breathing now. 1597 01:08:15,931 --> 01:08:18,866 [breathes heavily, snorts] 1598 01:08:18,868 --> 01:08:20,601 If I throw up in my mouth, 1599 01:08:20,603 --> 01:08:22,702 it's not gonna be good for either one of us. 1600 01:08:22,704 --> 01:08:25,606 Talking costs extra! No more potato. 1601 01:08:25,608 --> 01:08:27,744 Kiss! Kiss now! 1602 01:08:30,313 --> 01:08:31,879 Wait. Before we do this, 1603 01:08:31,881 --> 01:08:34,315 Richard, Richard, something I have to say. 1604 01:08:34,317 --> 01:08:35,450 What? 1605 01:08:35,452 --> 01:08:39,687 If Deborah is over there wearing my wig, I will kill you. 1606 01:08:39,689 --> 01:08:41,692 Not if this kills me first. 1607 01:08:46,662 --> 01:08:47,562 [gagging] 1608 01:08:47,564 --> 01:08:49,263 No response. 1609 01:08:49,265 --> 01:08:50,263 Sorry. 1610 01:08:50,265 --> 01:08:53,668 I smell cabbage. Is anybody boiling cabbage? 1611 01:08:53,670 --> 01:08:55,902 Listen. This is no fun for me either. 1612 01:08:55,904 --> 01:08:59,839 Now focus, or I swear to God I will fist you like a Muppet! 1613 01:08:59,841 --> 01:09:02,209 Thanks for the dirty talk, but I don't think it'll help. 1614 01:09:02,211 --> 01:09:05,178 Maybe if you tilt your head a little so I can see the guard. 1615 01:09:05,180 --> 01:09:06,981 No response. Come on. Again! 1616 01:09:06,983 --> 01:09:08,848 Again! Kiss. 1617 01:09:08,850 --> 01:09:11,184 I really wish there was cyanide in my molar. 1618 01:09:11,186 --> 01:09:12,922 Then we could both die. 1619 01:09:14,690 --> 01:09:16,723 I mean, you know it's a sin, 1620 01:09:16,725 --> 01:09:19,662 but you're just not prepared for how gross it is. 1621 01:09:25,033 --> 01:09:27,968 Definitely boiled cabbage. 1622 01:09:27,970 --> 01:09:29,336 Maybe with some turnips? 1623 01:09:29,338 --> 01:09:30,870 Is anybody hungry? 1624 01:09:30,872 --> 01:09:32,675 - Nothing. - Sorry I'm late. 1625 01:09:35,278 --> 01:09:38,012 Rex, look. It's the guy from the science fair. 1626 01:09:38,014 --> 01:09:39,746 I didn't think he was cute then 1627 01:09:39,748 --> 01:09:41,915 and I don't think it'll help now. 1628 01:09:41,917 --> 01:09:43,683 Oh, I make adjustment. 1629 01:09:43,685 --> 01:09:45,855 Honestly, I thought he was hotter as Katya. 1630 01:09:46,689 --> 01:09:48,022 Wait. What? 1631 01:09:48,024 --> 01:09:49,726 Nice to meet ya. 1632 01:09:52,795 --> 01:09:54,294 How did you miss that? I would think 1633 01:09:54,296 --> 01:09:56,599 your nerdy senses would have been tingling. 1634 01:09:57,667 --> 01:09:59,032 [whispers] You are a science teacher. 1635 01:09:59,034 --> 01:10:00,269 You know what to do. 1636 01:10:05,807 --> 01:10:06,944 All fine now. 1637 01:10:07,644 --> 01:10:09,777 Listen. If you try to stick your tongue 1638 01:10:09,779 --> 01:10:12,315 down my throat again, you're gonna taste my lunch. 1639 01:10:16,185 --> 01:10:17,154 [gags] 1640 01:10:23,192 --> 01:10:25,159 [gasps] Success! 1641 01:10:25,161 --> 01:10:26,393 Yay! 1642 01:10:26,395 --> 01:10:27,727 Yay! 1643 01:10:27,729 --> 01:10:30,330 Oh, yes! Success! 1644 01:10:30,332 --> 01:10:34,168 Yay. Success! 1645 01:10:34,170 --> 01:10:35,838 Success! 1646 01:10:36,972 --> 01:10:39,342 Hey, take him back to his cell. 1647 01:10:40,943 --> 01:10:43,947 Wait! I-I thought they were released once they were cured! 1648 01:10:44,413 --> 01:10:47,348 Girl, please. Look at him. 1649 01:10:47,350 --> 01:10:49,316 He need many more treatment, 1650 01:10:49,318 --> 01:10:52,085 but at least you don't go to Siberia. 1651 01:10:52,087 --> 01:10:53,454 What about Carly? 1652 01:10:53,456 --> 01:10:55,790 Curly? Who is this Curly? 1653 01:10:55,792 --> 01:10:57,825 Shut your face, Debbie! 1654 01:10:57,827 --> 01:10:59,226 You have my daughter, Carly. 1655 01:10:59,228 --> 01:11:01,728 She isn't one of these flamers. Let her go! 1656 01:11:01,730 --> 01:11:03,164 You keep Bianca. 1657 01:11:03,166 --> 01:11:04,964 Let me know how this all plays out. 1658 01:11:04,966 --> 01:11:07,237 I've got a man waiting for me. 1659 01:11:08,237 --> 01:11:09,306 [thud on floor] 1660 01:11:11,039 --> 01:11:13,777 Oops. Baby made a boom boom. 1661 01:11:18,914 --> 01:11:21,147 What is going on here? 1662 01:11:21,149 --> 01:11:23,116 Mitya, what have you done? 1663 01:11:23,118 --> 01:11:25,719 This hooker is a flaming drag queen 1664 01:11:25,721 --> 01:11:27,987 and a degenerate homosexual. 1665 01:11:27,989 --> 01:11:29,924 I'm the real woman here, okay? 1666 01:11:29,926 --> 01:11:31,357 You can take her. 1667 01:11:31,359 --> 01:11:33,994 Bianca del Rio is the one that you want. 1668 01:11:33,996 --> 01:11:36,296 You thought those heels were killing you before; 1669 01:11:36,298 --> 01:11:38,264 wait till I get a hold of you. 1670 01:11:38,266 --> 01:11:40,768 Okay, that's it. Guard! 1671 01:11:40,770 --> 01:11:42,937 Take homo to cell! 1672 01:11:42,939 --> 01:11:46,507 I stay with Mitya and these prostitutes till you get back! 1673 01:11:46,509 --> 01:11:49,143 Come on. Go, go, go, go. 1674 01:11:49,145 --> 01:11:50,376 Let's go. 1675 01:11:50,378 --> 01:11:52,746 This is great. Now we're both gonna rot 1676 01:11:52,748 --> 01:11:54,781 in this rat-infested prison together. 1677 01:11:54,783 --> 01:11:56,282 You brought this on yourself, homo. 1678 01:11:56,284 --> 01:11:57,918 Oh, yeah. They're probably gonna put us 1679 01:11:57,920 --> 01:11:59,085 in a cell together with each other. 1680 01:11:59,087 --> 01:12:00,454 Wouldn't you like that, Debbie? 1681 01:12:00,456 --> 01:12:04,761 Never call me Debbie!!!! [shrieking loudly] 1682 01:12:05,994 --> 01:12:08,329 Oh, no. That voice. The rats. 1683 01:12:08,331 --> 01:12:10,263 (sing-songy) Deb-bie. Deb-bie. 1684 01:12:10,265 --> 01:12:12,866 Debbie, Debbie, Debbie. Bzzz! 1685 01:12:12,868 --> 01:12:15,936 Stop that! You stop that with your faggy ties, 1686 01:12:15,938 --> 01:12:18,772 your clown makeup, your nasty one-liners, 1687 01:12:18,774 --> 01:12:20,875 and your purse full of bees! 1688 01:12:20,877 --> 01:12:24,945 You stop calling me Debbie!!!! 1689 01:12:24,947 --> 01:12:27,548 Oh, no. Is mating season! 1690 01:12:27,550 --> 01:12:29,286 Whoa! 1691 01:12:30,086 --> 01:12:31,852 [gun shots] 1692 01:12:31,854 --> 01:12:33,787 Little Debbie with her Holly Hobbie dresses. 1693 01:12:33,789 --> 01:12:35,458 Little Debbie with a lip gloss addiction. 1694 01:12:36,192 --> 01:12:37,892 You stop that! 1695 01:12:37,894 --> 01:12:39,860 They called me Little Debbie Snack Cake! 1696 01:12:39,862 --> 01:12:41,795 I was the shortest one in school! 1697 01:12:41,797 --> 01:12:43,897 You're just as mean as they are! 1698 01:12:43,899 --> 01:12:46,402 You stop teasing me! 1699 01:12:48,270 --> 01:12:50,271 [gun clicking] 1700 01:12:50,273 --> 01:12:53,374 Oh, no, no, no, no! 1701 01:12:53,376 --> 01:12:55,378 They coming, they coming. 1702 01:12:56,912 --> 01:12:58,180 Oh! 1703 01:12:59,815 --> 01:13:01,147 Oh, no, they coming. 1704 01:13:01,149 --> 01:13:03,987 They coming to mate with my face. 1705 01:13:04,921 --> 01:13:08,024 They-they- they mate with my face! 1706 01:13:15,497 --> 01:13:16,964 You don't have a key? 1707 01:13:16,966 --> 01:13:18,531 Nyet. Maybe if I had wig, 1708 01:13:18,533 --> 01:13:20,401 I could take bobby pin, but I have nothing. 1709 01:13:20,403 --> 01:13:22,102 [gasp] Looks like we're next. 1710 01:13:22,104 --> 01:13:23,603 Well, you see, ever since Debbie here 1711 01:13:23,605 --> 01:13:25,906 and her brother kidnapped me and left me to die in the woods, 1712 01:13:25,908 --> 01:13:27,273 I never leave home without this. 1713 01:13:27,275 --> 01:13:28,875 I don't have time for this! 1714 01:13:28,877 --> 01:13:30,277 I don't have time for you! 1715 01:13:30,279 --> 01:13:31,848 All right! Let's go, 1716 01:13:36,551 --> 01:13:38,485 The prisoners were kept downstairs. 1717 01:13:38,487 --> 01:13:40,123 We must to hurry. 1718 01:13:43,158 --> 01:13:45,226 That works perfectly, Deborah. 1719 01:13:45,228 --> 01:13:46,427 Wait. What? 1720 01:13:46,429 --> 01:13:49,229 Your voice... It brought the rats. 1721 01:13:49,231 --> 01:13:51,234 I told you we needed to work together. 1722 01:13:54,936 --> 01:13:57,004 They must to feed us soon. 1723 01:13:57,006 --> 01:13:58,975 Gorky get hungry. 1724 01:13:59,175 --> 01:14:01,177 What the hell?! No, no! 1725 01:14:01,944 --> 01:14:03,380 Look! They are here. 1726 01:14:05,448 --> 01:14:07,414 - Mama, is that you? - Carly! 1727 01:14:07,416 --> 01:14:10,317 Oh, I couldn't leave my baby here in prison. 1728 01:14:10,319 --> 01:14:13,053 Listen, you guys, I'm gonna have you out in no time. 1729 01:14:13,055 --> 01:14:15,522 You and Bianca are workin' together. 1730 01:14:15,524 --> 01:14:16,790 [whispers] Just to get you out of here. 1731 01:14:16,792 --> 01:14:19,460 Don't worry. She's gonna get what's comin' to her. 1732 01:14:19,462 --> 01:14:22,396 Mama, haven't you learned anything from all this? 1733 01:14:22,398 --> 01:14:25,366 Well, I learned I look pretty fierce as a blond, 1734 01:14:25,368 --> 01:14:27,871 and did you know rats have a mating season? 1735 01:14:29,604 --> 01:14:30,606 [both gasping] 1736 01:14:31,407 --> 01:14:34,508 It's okay, girl. He's with me. 1737 01:14:34,510 --> 01:14:37,410 I told you I could take care of myself. 1738 01:14:37,412 --> 01:14:38,912 I wish you would have told me that 1739 01:14:38,914 --> 01:14:40,446 before I had to make out with you. 1740 01:14:40,448 --> 01:14:41,483 Excuse me. 1741 01:14:46,322 --> 01:14:47,524 You are free to go. 1742 01:14:47,989 --> 01:14:49,291 [whispers] Stay down, stay down. 1743 01:14:51,260 --> 01:14:52,929 Carly, you're free! 1744 01:14:53,529 --> 01:14:55,161 I am. 1745 01:14:55,163 --> 01:14:57,630 Now, help me shove Bianca in here. 1746 01:14:57,632 --> 01:14:59,232 It's what we came here to do. 1747 01:14:59,234 --> 01:15:00,968 No, Mama. I can't. 1748 01:15:00,970 --> 01:15:03,336 - What? - You're right. I am free. 1749 01:15:03,338 --> 01:15:05,104 Finally free of you. 1750 01:15:05,106 --> 01:15:08,142 No! Carly! What are you doing? 1751 01:15:08,144 --> 01:15:10,076 These flamers turned you against me? 1752 01:15:10,078 --> 01:15:12,079 They're just people just like you and me, Mama, 1753 01:15:12,081 --> 01:15:13,379 tryin' to do the right thing. 1754 01:15:13,381 --> 01:15:15,249 But we were never tryin' to do the right thing. 1755 01:15:15,251 --> 01:15:17,584 I mean all that hate - and for what? 1756 01:15:17,586 --> 01:15:20,120 You can't just leave me in here. 1757 01:15:20,122 --> 01:15:21,455 Sorry, Mama. 1758 01:15:21,457 --> 01:15:23,723 You said prison made a new woman out of you... 1759 01:15:23,725 --> 01:15:26,328 Well, it made a new woman out of me, too. 1760 01:15:27,595 --> 01:15:29,665 Noooo!!! 1761 01:15:30,666 --> 01:15:33,536 I'll get you Bianca. This ain't over. 1762 01:15:34,103 --> 01:15:36,102 Looks like you're the cat. 1763 01:15:36,104 --> 01:15:39,373 You're gonna have to hold your own legs, bitch. 1764 01:15:39,375 --> 01:15:40,674 You ain't seen nothin' yet. 1765 01:15:40,676 --> 01:15:43,277 As soon as I get out of here, I'm comin' for you, Bianca! 1766 01:15:43,279 --> 01:15:44,481 I'm comin' for you! 1767 01:15:45,347 --> 01:15:46,513 Oh, no. 1768 01:15:46,515 --> 01:15:48,014 Here come those horny rats. 1769 01:15:48,016 --> 01:15:49,184 (Rat) Hey... 1770 01:15:51,153 --> 01:15:54,356 [screaming] Biancaaaa!!!! 1771 01:16:01,029 --> 01:16:02,364 This way. Let's go. 1772 01:16:03,198 --> 01:16:05,067 Thank you for everything. 1773 01:16:24,653 --> 01:16:27,187 I can't believe that you would do that to Deborah. 1774 01:16:27,189 --> 01:16:29,356 I mean I wouldn't even leave her in that jail cell. 1775 01:16:29,358 --> 01:16:32,061 Well, Rex has been nothin' but kind to me. 1776 01:16:33,095 --> 01:16:35,161 I mean, it makes me question 1777 01:16:35,163 --> 01:16:37,333 what this whole thing was about in the first place. 1778 01:16:38,333 --> 01:16:41,268 Maybe we are better together livin' side by side, 1779 01:16:41,270 --> 01:16:43,273 instead of tearing each other down. 1780 01:16:44,672 --> 01:16:47,340 Bianca has told me of snake that bites your boobs off. 1781 01:16:47,342 --> 01:16:48,209 Yeah. 1782 01:16:48,211 --> 01:16:50,244 I know a doctor who can make new again, 1783 01:16:50,246 --> 01:16:51,211 creamy like mash potato. 1784 01:16:51,213 --> 01:16:53,746 - Yes! - They will be mash potato. 1785 01:16:53,748 --> 01:16:56,150 Perhaps a bit lumpy, but we do our best. 1786 01:16:56,152 --> 01:16:57,718 Okay. 1787 01:16:57,720 --> 01:16:59,820 Tater tits... Yeah. 1788 01:16:59,822 --> 01:17:01,291 Let's go! 1789 01:17:04,460 --> 01:17:06,128 I'll never forget you. 1790 01:17:07,162 --> 01:17:09,231 Hey! Wait up. 1791 01:17:11,600 --> 01:17:14,334 Hey, guys. Let's blow this pop stand. 1792 01:17:14,336 --> 01:17:16,169 - He's not coming with us? - Who? 1793 01:17:16,171 --> 01:17:17,370 Your new boyfriend. 1794 01:17:17,372 --> 01:17:19,238 Oh, that was just a prison thing. 1795 01:17:19,240 --> 01:17:20,473 He knows that. 1796 01:17:20,475 --> 01:17:22,709 Besides, I think my time behind bars 1797 01:17:22,711 --> 01:17:25,446 proves I don't need a man to protect me anymore. 1798 01:17:25,448 --> 01:17:27,380 What you need to protect you is bubble wrap. 1799 01:17:27,382 --> 01:17:29,849 I've been doing just fine in New York since you left. 1800 01:17:29,851 --> 01:17:32,419 I don't need you to worry about me anymore, mom! 1801 01:17:32,421 --> 01:17:34,353 But I do worry about you. 1802 01:17:34,355 --> 01:17:36,156 Why did you think those bricks of cocaine 1803 01:17:36,158 --> 01:17:37,424 in your bag would help? 1804 01:17:37,426 --> 01:17:39,425 Not that bag... The other bag. 1805 01:17:39,427 --> 01:17:42,562 There were two bags, like the ones under your eyes. 1806 01:17:42,564 --> 01:17:44,598 All right. You got me on that. 1807 01:17:44,600 --> 01:17:46,599 Look! Is Svetlana Zlopasnost. 1808 01:17:46,601 --> 01:17:47,670 We run now! 1809 01:17:49,104 --> 01:17:51,405 Degenerate homosexuals are escaping! 1810 01:17:51,407 --> 01:17:52,742 Let's get them! 1811 01:17:56,578 --> 01:17:59,448 [LOUD BOOM] 1812 01:18:01,649 --> 01:18:05,521 [explosions, booming] 1813 01:18:06,622 --> 01:18:07,754 Go! 1814 01:18:07,756 --> 01:18:09,492 Go, go, go, go, go! 1815 01:18:10,658 --> 01:18:12,492 Ah, sh...! 1816 01:18:12,494 --> 01:18:14,197 Go, go, go, go. 1817 01:18:15,864 --> 01:18:18,764 Perfect timing, as always. 1818 01:18:18,766 --> 01:18:20,634 Girl, you know I got your back. 1819 01:18:20,636 --> 01:18:23,202 That's ‘cause nobody wants your front, but, uh... 1820 01:18:23,204 --> 01:18:24,338 [screams] 1821 01:18:24,340 --> 01:18:25,472 Oh! 1822 01:18:25,474 --> 01:18:28,342 So that is end of Svetlana Zlopasnost. 1823 01:18:28,344 --> 01:18:31,544 Who is going to host next season of “Homo Hunters?” 1824 01:18:31,546 --> 01:18:33,213 That was a good show. 1825 01:18:33,215 --> 01:18:34,481 R-I-P. 1826 01:18:34,483 --> 01:18:36,549 Thanks for all of your help, Mitya. 1827 01:18:36,551 --> 01:18:40,620 Sorry we got your club raided and that we blew up your job. 1828 01:18:40,622 --> 01:18:43,557 But maybe this means that you can come to America now. 1829 01:18:43,559 --> 01:18:45,726 I- if you'd like to, I-I... 1830 01:18:45,728 --> 01:18:47,727 Well, I would like it a lot. 1831 01:18:47,729 --> 01:18:48,928 Is tempting. 1832 01:18:48,930 --> 01:18:50,630 I would like to know you better. 1833 01:18:50,632 --> 01:18:52,532 But still so much work to be done. 1834 01:18:52,534 --> 01:18:55,936 Your Texas has given me hope that if we stay and fight, 1835 01:18:55,938 --> 01:18:57,803 we can have Texas, too. 1836 01:18:57,805 --> 01:19:01,541 Oh, that is the saddest... 1837 01:19:01,543 --> 01:19:03,910 and dumbest thing I think I've ever heard. 1838 01:19:03,912 --> 01:19:04,878 [chuckles] 1839 01:19:04,880 --> 01:19:06,446 I understand. 1840 01:19:06,448 --> 01:19:08,682 You should stay and make a bad situation better. 1841 01:19:08,684 --> 01:19:09,950 I mean, that's the whole reason 1842 01:19:09,952 --> 01:19:11,951 why I moved to Texas in the first place... 1843 01:19:11,953 --> 01:19:13,954 and the reason why I'm going back. 1844 01:19:13,956 --> 01:19:16,490 It's not just the children that need an education. 1845 01:19:16,492 --> 01:19:19,860 We've made some progress, but there's still more to do. 1846 01:19:19,862 --> 01:19:20,995 True. 1847 01:19:20,997 --> 01:19:23,597 I'll help. I mean, if you queers can change my mind, 1848 01:19:23,599 --> 01:19:25,168 anyone can change. 1849 01:19:29,738 --> 01:19:30,670 Oh, eat. 1850 01:19:30,672 --> 01:19:33,674 Come on. Is nobody going to eat that, huh? 1851 01:19:33,676 --> 01:19:35,378 [all groaning] 1852 01:19:45,688 --> 01:19:48,354 Is three months now since we moved to homo house, 1853 01:19:48,356 --> 01:19:49,889 and is great! 1854 01:19:49,891 --> 01:19:51,724 Sometimes I miss the breeze 1855 01:19:51,726 --> 01:19:53,727 come through the cracks in the walls, but... 1856 01:19:53,729 --> 01:19:56,763 And now we have central heat. 1857 01:19:56,765 --> 01:19:58,865 When I build fire in middle of room. 1858 01:19:58,867 --> 01:20:01,802 In-in-in-in basement I have swing. 1859 01:20:01,804 --> 01:20:03,603 Oh, basement. What treat! 1860 01:20:03,605 --> 01:20:06,572 It's funny kind of swing is in basement closet. 1861 01:20:06,574 --> 01:20:08,741 Not so much with the weee! 1862 01:20:08,743 --> 01:20:10,509 Sometimes I climb into the swing. 1863 01:20:10,511 --> 01:20:11,644 I hear moans. 1864 01:20:11,646 --> 01:20:15,382 I think homo house haunted, but it's just my Boris. 1865 01:20:15,384 --> 01:20:16,519 [chuckles] Da! 1866 01:20:17,619 --> 01:20:18,621 I like. 1867 01:20:19,654 --> 01:20:22,791 [chattering, crowd cheers] 1868 01:20:23,391 --> 01:20:24,724 (Reporter) In International news, 1869 01:20:24,726 --> 01:20:26,526 Russia continues to insist 1870 01:20:26,528 --> 01:20:29,662 they weren't running a secret gay prison under the Kremlin, 1871 01:20:29,664 --> 01:20:32,933 and that the explosion last month in downtown Moscow 1872 01:20:32,935 --> 01:20:35,468 was just a gas leak. 1873 01:20:35,470 --> 01:20:38,472 But word that dozens of gay people have been arrested 1874 01:20:38,474 --> 01:20:41,842 and imprisoned in Russia has sparked outrage and protest 1875 01:20:41,844 --> 01:20:43,177 all around the world. 1876 01:20:43,179 --> 01:20:46,446 Personally, I'm supporting gay rights by wearin' this outfit 1877 01:20:46,448 --> 01:20:48,949 that Roger told me I looked great in... 1878 01:20:48,951 --> 01:20:51,951 but I'm pretty sure he just dressed me as Barb 1879 01:20:51,953 --> 01:20:53,754 from “Stranger Things.” 1880 01:20:53,756 --> 01:20:56,423 Yes. Justice for Barb. 1881 01:20:56,425 --> 01:20:58,561 That is what it is all about. 1882 01:20:59,528 --> 01:21:02,696 NEWS: It's deadly and it could be in your purse right now. 1883 01:21:02,698 --> 01:21:04,298 What is it? 1884 01:21:04,300 --> 01:21:05,969 You'll find out in the next hour. 1885 01:21:13,475 --> 01:21:14,840 Rex, no. 1886 01:21:14,842 --> 01:21:16,009 Rex, no! Rex! 1887 01:21:16,011 --> 01:21:17,943 If you don't bring your whorish ass... 1888 01:21:17,945 --> 01:21:19,282 Wooo! Rex! 1889 01:21:29,692 --> 01:21:30,859 [phone ringing] 1890 01:21:33,761 --> 01:21:35,465 [no audio] 1891 01:21:48,844 --> 01:21:49,878 Ow! 1892 01:21:50,479 --> 01:21:51,512 Marker. 1893 01:21:51,514 --> 01:21:52,812 Get that out of my face. I'm trying to perform. 1894 01:21:52,814 --> 01:21:54,947 I feel like a fuckin' roach. 1895 01:21:54,949 --> 01:21:57,019 Here, like, I'm a crab? 1896 01:21:58,720 --> 01:21:59,788 [smacks lips] 1897 01:22:02,725 --> 01:22:03,559 Mother [BEEP]! 1898 01:22:04,393 --> 01:22:06,496 [chuckles] You can't do this to me. 1899 01:22:06,962 --> 01:22:08,628 I'm talkin' to a stick. 1900 01:22:08,630 --> 01:22:10,863 How are you gonna get Bianca to go over to Russia? 1901 01:22:10,865 --> 01:22:12,566 Oh, easy. 1902 01:22:12,568 --> 01:22:13,834 [laughing] 1903 01:22:13,836 --> 01:22:16,902 I sent her a letter sayin' she won a teachin' award, right? 1904 01:22:16,904 --> 01:22:19,138 Only she has to go to Russia to get it. 1905 01:22:19,140 --> 01:22:20,876 [both laughing] 1906 01:22:21,609 --> 01:22:22,878 Okay. Get it out, Dratch. 1907 01:22:23,945 --> 01:22:26,612 [laughing] You motherfucker. 1908 01:22:26,614 --> 01:22:28,682 He just blew me a kiss. What a dick. 1909 01:22:28,684 --> 01:22:32,451 You are found out to be gay man in teacher fuck hole butt. 1910 01:22:32,453 --> 01:22:33,387 Sorry. 1911 01:22:33,389 --> 01:22:34,787 That's him right there by the bathroom. 1912 01:22:34,789 --> 01:22:38,094 Oh, I want to fuck you. [laughs] 1913 01:22:38,894 --> 01:22:41,093 Good. ‘Cause you know what? 1914 01:22:41,095 --> 01:22:44,032 You're going to speak Spanish into my clam hole tonight, baby. 1915 01:22:45,734 --> 01:22:47,337 Ahhh!!! 1916 01:22:47,569 --> 01:22:49,605 Fuck you, Debbie! 1917 01:22:50,671 --> 01:22:51,772 I'm gonna do this. 1918 01:22:51,774 --> 01:22:53,943 Explosion. Ah. 1919 01:22:55,144 --> 01:22:57,777 Lock her up! Her emails! 1920 01:22:57,779 --> 01:22:59,581 [laughing] 1921 01:23:03,018 --> 01:23:04,451 Oh, God, it's there, right? 1922 01:23:04,453 --> 01:23:06,919 It's looking at me. No. Okay. 1923 01:23:06,921 --> 01:23:08,621 Oh, God. I hear it clicking. 1924 01:23:08,623 --> 01:23:09,955 Okay. [gasps] Jesus. 1925 01:23:09,957 --> 01:23:11,491 Okay. [chuckles] 1926 01:23:11,493 --> 01:23:12,862 This could be our big break. 1927 01:23:14,529 --> 01:23:15,630 [gasps, screams] 1928 01:23:18,132 --> 01:23:20,834 It's four AM and you're in an old police station. 1929 01:23:20,836 --> 01:23:23,405 I- It gets better. It gets better. 1930 01:23:24,872 --> 01:23:27,174 Oh, you don't like gays? Or clowns? 1931 01:23:27,176 --> 01:23:28,708 Shut up. 1932 01:23:28,710 --> 01:23:30,843 Well, I think I found Natalee Holloway. 1933 01:23:30,845 --> 01:23:35,417 Oh, no. That's Rachel Dolezal disguised as... [snorts] 1934 01:23:36,452 --> 01:23:37,717 Sorry. 1935 01:23:37,719 --> 01:23:39,753 This hooker is a flamin' drag queen 1936 01:23:39,755 --> 01:23:42,458 and degenerate homosexual! 1937 01:23:43,859 --> 01:23:45,592 [laughter] 1938 01:23:45,594 --> 01:23:47,029 Yes and yes. 1939 01:23:47,496 --> 01:23:48,961 This hooker... 1940 01:23:48,963 --> 01:23:49,998 [all laughing] 1941 01:23:51,733 --> 01:23:53,569 Got a special rate. 1942 01:23:56,104 --> 01:23:57,440 All right, let's reset. 1943 01:24:00,042 --> 01:24:01,611 - Line? - It's a burp. 1944 01:24:02,877 --> 01:24:04,179 Okay, sorry. That sucked. 1945 01:24:07,615 --> 01:24:08,714 Come on. 1946 01:24:08,716 --> 01:24:10,552 Secret police are everywhere. We must be careful. 1947 01:24:14,189 --> 01:24:16,723 That old leather skin, honey, they should stick real good. 1948 01:24:16,725 --> 01:24:17,693 Fuck you, cunt. 1949 01:24:18,627 --> 01:24:21,130 It's still prettier than your asshole. 1950 01:24:22,163 --> 01:24:24,164 I sent her... [giggles] 1951 01:24:24,166 --> 01:24:26,702 I sent her a letter saying... [giggling] 1952 01:24:30,872 --> 01:24:32,974 - Oh, don't look at me. - I'm not looking at you. 1953 01:24:33,774 --> 01:24:34,875 Let me get this right. 1954 01:24:34,877 --> 01:24:37,777 They're gonna hire ya'll hookers 1955 01:24:37,779 --> 01:24:40,213 to go in there and seduce the gays? 1956 01:24:40,215 --> 01:24:41,580 [laughing] 1957 01:24:41,582 --> 01:24:42,949 Oh, wait. Let me get this right. 1958 01:24:42,951 --> 01:24:45,951 So they are gonna hire ya'll hookers... 1959 01:24:45,953 --> 01:24:47,923 [laughs] 1960 01:24:48,219 --> 01:24:49,289 Del Motto... 1961 01:24:49,291 --> 01:24:52,025 Oop, oh, she locked him in. 1962 01:24:52,027 --> 01:24:53,960 Sorry, I just... 1963 01:24:53,962 --> 01:24:55,928 Katya ruined the whole movie. 1964 01:24:55,930 --> 01:24:58,533 Hey, ya'll, we in Russia. It's over there. 1965 01:25:01,636 --> 01:25:02,568 And cut. 1966 01:25:02,570 --> 01:25:04,236 - For real. - It's a cut. 1967 01:25:04,238 --> 01:25:05,574 - Nice job. - Nice job. 1968 01:25:05,576 --> 01:25:10,576 Subtitles by explosiveskull