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["Silent Night" playing]
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Share if u like this apps
Enjoy watching!!
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["Deck the Halls" playing]
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Yes, I'll talk him into it.
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Just make sure that you've got
all of the Christmas props and extras
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delivered here in, like, 30 minutes.
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Of course he'll be keen.
He's Michael Bublé.
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The guy's got a permanent hard-on
for Christmas.
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[chuckles, sighs]
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[doorbell rings]
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- Hello.
- Hi.
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I was looking for Michael Bublé.
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Ah. Michael's house is over there.
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- [music stops]
- [crow cawing]
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I'd be careful though. He can be
pretty crotchety this time of year.
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- Really?
- Yes.
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My mother wished him
happy holidays yesterday,
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and he told her to go eat a bag of dicks.
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Happy holidays.
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- [door closes]
- [crow cawing]
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[creaking]
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- Bub-ster. [grunts]
- Come on. Get inside.
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Sorry to drop by like this.
It's just that I'm in a bit of a pickle,
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and, uh, I figured you might be able
to help me out,
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- seeing as it's Chris...
- No, no. Don't even say it, man.
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Say what?
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- The C-word.
- The C-word?
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Yeah, Chris… [gags]
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[gags]
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Sorry, man.
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- Christmas?
- Yeah.
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Yeah, my doctor says it's,
like, psychosomatic.
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Basically, I get a gag reflex.
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Right.
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I'm sick of it. This time of year,
people come and say, "Hey, Bublé, man",
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how about another Christmas special?
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How about another single? Another duet?"
If I see another Winter Wonderland,
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I will burn that shit to the ground.
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Is this why you had an anvil
hanging above your front porch?
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That's set up to get the carollers.
You know, Mariah gave me that idea.
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- Carey?
- Yeah. We have a group chat together,
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with her and Chris Rea.
It's called Fuck-smas.
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Check this out.
She just sent this this morning.
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[chuckles] It's Rudolph
the Red-Nosed Reindeer,
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and his little leg is caught
in a bear trap.
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Look at it. And then it says, "Oh, deer!"
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- [laughs]
- [chuckles]
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- This is hilarious.
- Look, Michael,
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the reason that I'm here is that Amazon
have asked me to do a Chri…
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A festive special, and I would really,
really love you to be a guest on it.
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Fuck, no, Whitehall.
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Michael, come on. This is madness.
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You're as much a part of Christmas
as crackers or mince pies,
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or locking yourself in a lavatory
and drinking neat spirits
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to take the edge off your parents.
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I just don't wanna be
that guy anymore, Jack.
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[jazz music playing]
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I mean, when are people gonna understand
that a Bublé isn't just for Christmas.
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[sighs deeply]
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- [music stops]
- [whispers] Are we about to sing?
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No.
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It just felt like we were about to
segue into a musical.
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We were not going to segue
into a musical, Jack. That's not…
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Well, it wasn't gonna happen.
You have seriously misjudged that.
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We don't even celebrate
that holiday in this house.
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Truth is, we don't even do December.
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We do 61 days of November,
and it just rolls right into New Year's.
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You've got a calendar
with pictures of yourself on it.
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- Yeah.
- And have you bricked up your fireplace?
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Oh, yeah. I believe chimneys are
for uppies, not downies.
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And just to be safe,
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- I have booby-trapped this whole house.
- Huh.
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Or, Bublé-traps.
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Oh, I like that.
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Very Home Alone.
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The Christmas movie?
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N-No. No idea.
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- [machine whirring]
- Ooh, do you hear that?
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That's a paper shredder
I attached to the mailbox…
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[chuckling] …so all the Christmas cards
get destroyed instantly.
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Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!
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- Are you sure you haven't seen Home Alone?
- I don't know what you're talking about.
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Do you want to hear another secret
that I thought I'd take to my grave?
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Your surname's
actually pronounced "bubble,"
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but you added the accent
to make yourself sound more sophisticated?
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No, no. Everyone thinks that my passion
is jazz. But it's really acid house.
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Fuck off.
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Do you want to hear my mixes?
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- [acid house playing]
- Not really.
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- [music continues on speakers]
- [shouts]
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[whooping]
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Listen, try this. It sounds even better.
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- No, it's really mild.
- All good.
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Whoo!
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They start earlier and earlier
setting up all the decorations.
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- Now I fight fire with fire.
- Jesus.
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Yeah, you know, I take down a couple
baubles here, some mistletoe there.
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You're basically the Grinch.
The Grinch? Jim Carrey?
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No. I don't watch Christmas movies.
[swallows]
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Oh, my God. Please tell me
that you've seen Love Actually.
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I don't understand.
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No, dude, I'm so confused right now. I am…
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Where did those even come from?
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Okay. So not a romcom guy.
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Well, listen, man. Obviously
it's just not gonna work. I'm sorry.
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[stutters] What if I cut all references
to Christmas from the show?
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All references?
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All references.
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- Sleigh bells?
- Gone.
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- Santa Claus? Elves?
- Out. Cut.
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- Carol singers?
- Nada.
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Presents?
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- [shatters]
- [Jack] Don't worry.
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It didn't cost me loads of money.
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It would just be me and you, ride or dies,
shooting the shit, vibing out hard.
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I just really, really want you
to do the show.
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I'm so powerless when you look at me
with those big blue eyes.
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Okay, fine. I'll do it.
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- Yes. [sighs]
- [doorbell rings]
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Stupid carollers.
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Fuck.
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- ♪ On the first day of Christmas ♪
- [bell ringing]
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- ♪ My true love sent to me ♪
- [Santa] Ho, ho, ho.
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- Merry Christmas, Mr Bublé.
- ♪ A partridge in a pear tree… ♪
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Oh, no, you don't.
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- Is that a Taser? [gasps]
- [Taser buzzing]
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- [carollers screaming]
- [Santa groaning]
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[mock groaning]
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- Shut up.
- [groans]
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[Jack] Yeah, so it turns out Michael Bublé
is somewhat of a loose cannon.
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But, fuck it. He's in.
So my festive extravaganza can begin.
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So here's the skinny.
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Stranded in America,
far from my loving family,
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with only days to go till Christmas,
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I'm about to embark on
what you will no doubt dub
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the most preposterous race
across the globe to get home.
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Waste not, want not.
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Full of planes…
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Oh. [slurps]
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Trains…
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- Monsieur?
- No.
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Huskies…
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Come on, lads.
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And sleighs…
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[screaming]
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I'm literally shaking.
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- And an amazing cast of do-gooders.
- [chuckles]
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- Well, I could help you out.
- I could spend Christmas with you?
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Going out of their way
to help me get home.
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- Dude, don't… Ugh. [groans]
- Oof.
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This is like
a fucking fever dream, isn't it?
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This is the God's honest truth.
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So join me for this far-fetched fable,
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and see if I can get home
in time for Christmas.
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["Carol of the Bells" playing]
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[Jack] 'Tis the night before Christmas
in London town.
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Taxi!
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- A time for festive cheer…
- Taxi!
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- …and goodwill to all men.
- Thanks so much. I'm good.
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- [pedestrian grunts]
- Other than that one.
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[Jack] Notting Hill, please.
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And get your foot down.
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[sighs] So nearly home.
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Oh, my God.
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You would not believe
the journey that I have just had.
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- Right.
- When I got stranded in America.
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America?
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[Jack] Yeah.
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It all started in New York four days ago.
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I was about to head home
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after my latest desperate attempt
to break into the American market.
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Jack Whitehall!
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[audience cheering]
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Little did I know that...
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Are you a celebrity?
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Uh, yeah. [chuckles]
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Are you from Made in Chelsea?
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I'm more of an actor.
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- All right.
- Talking of celebrities,
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has anyone ever told you
that you look like Daisy May Cooper?
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No, but a lot of people stop me,
thinking that I'm Honey G from X Factor.
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Should we get back to the story?
183
00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:54,000
Yeah.
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You were showing me pictures backstage
of the most beautiful baby.
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- You had a baby… beautiful baby girl.
- Yep. Yeah, I had a baby. Yeah.
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- [audience cheering]
- Oh, my God.
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00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:04,040
- She's adorable. She's perfect.
- Yes.
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00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:07,400
It's amazing how quickly your whole
attitude to parenting changes as well,
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00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,440
I remember before she arrived,
we were like,
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00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:12,440
"We're not gonna be like those parents
that just sit the kid down"
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00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:14,720
in front of a television screen
and rely on all of that.
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00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:17,520
"We wanna really engage
and read to them all of the time."
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00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:19,056
- [audience laughing]
- I'm 15 months in,
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00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:22,200
I am literally counting down the days
until I can give her an iPad.
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00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:23,480
[Jimmy, audience laugh]
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00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:25,840
[Jimmy] Jack Whitehall, everybody!
197
00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:29,280
Thanks so much for coming on.
You all set for Christmas, now?
198
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:30,280
Yeah, that's it.
199
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:33,040
Last of my commitments, now
it's home to the family for the big day.
200
00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:36,480
- [phone chimes]
- Oh, God. No.
201
00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:40,920
My driver to the airport's just cancelled.
I think I genuinely might miss my flight.
202
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:42,200
You could take a subway.
203
00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:43,880
[chuckles]
204
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:45,600
Oh, sorry. That was a serious suggestion.
205
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:48,560
- Well, I could help you out.
- I can come and spend Christmas with you?
206
00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:50,160
Matching pyjamas on Christmas morning?
207
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:52,160
Maybe do a lip-sync battle
to The King's Speech?
208
00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:53,720
No, I meant I can give you a ride.
209
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:55,760
Okay, right. Yeah. That makes more sense.
210
00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:58,616
I have to deliver a few presents,
the last stop is right by the airport.
211
00:09:58,640 --> 00:09:59,640
You'd do that for me?
212
00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:02,280
Yeah. I mean, it's Christmas.
You'd do the same for me, right?
213
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:03,960
Yeah.
214
00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:07,920
And Christmas time… [stammers]
…it's a special time of the year.
215
00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:10,160
Full of magic and wonder.
216
00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:12,680
Family, friends.
217
00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:17,400
When people get together, it's almost
like it brings a tear to my eye.
218
00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:18,616
- [Jack stammers]
- It's the...
219
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:21,720
So sorry, um, just, is this wistful
Christmas monologue gonna go on long?
220
00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:24,040
I am genuinely worried
that I might miss my flight.
221
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:25,896
Okay, okay. You're right.
Th-The car's downstairs.
222
00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:28,136
Uh, can you do me a favour?
I gotta say goodbye to the team.
223
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:30,576
Get my presents outside my dressing room
and bring 'em to the car.
224
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:32,560
- [Jack] Okay. Sure, okay.
- Bye, bud.
225
00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:34,320
Uh, just down here?
226
00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:39,480
Bloody hell. [sighs]
227
00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:45,120
[phone rings]
228
00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:46,040
Hey, Jimmy.
229
00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:48,936
Some of them seem to be getting delivered
to places that are quite far away.
230
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:51,176
But the last one is getting dropped off
next to the airport?
231
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:52,720
Yeah, the Seattle airport.
232
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,400
- Seattle?
- It really adds to the gifts,
233
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:57,040
to have a personalised delivery
234
00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:59,920
from the guy that was in Jungle Cruise
and Paddington.
235
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:01,160
I wasn't in Paddington.
236
00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:03,840
You weren't?
Every British actor was in Paddington.
237
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:05,920
Hey, anyway. Enjoy the free ride.
238
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:07,640
Wait. You're not coming with?
239
00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:09,760
So, what, I'm just expected
to travel around America
240
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,440
delivering presents to everyone for you?
241
00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:13,936
Maybe you should've got me
some reindeer and a fucking sleigh.
242
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:16,560
You said on the show
that you were working for Amazon.
243
00:11:16,640 --> 00:11:20,000
Making a Christmas special for Amazon,
not working as a delivery driver.
244
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:21,560
You don't need me. You got this, bud.
245
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:23,520
Right, you know what?
I've changed my mind.
246
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,320
I-I think I might just chance the subway.
247
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,440
[stammering]
248
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,200
Going… through… tunnel.
249
00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:30,400
Uh… istmas…
250
00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:32,800
Jimmy, this is a FaceTime. I can see you.
251
00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:35,160
Oh. Well, are you going
through a tunnel maybe?
252
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:36,760
This car is parked.
253
00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:38,840
Okay. Merry Christmas, bud.
254
00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:41,280
No, I-I don't want to do… Oh.
255
00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:45,640
Mate, I don't think that door's even
going to shut with all these presents.
256
00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:48,520
[grunts] I was wrong.
257
00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:50,360
[sighs]
258
00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:52,520
Maybe I'll just tell my friends
he was in Paddington.
259
00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:56,880
Y-You do have cash, don't you?
Because I-I don't have a card machine.
260
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:57,960
What?
261
00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:01,480
You-You will pay with cash, for this…
262
00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:05,640
Well, I mean, there's a sign there that
says, "Contactless payments accepted."
263
00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:07,360
Yeah. I don't really wanna pay tax.
264
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:08,800
Right.
265
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:11,760
So, you've probably guessed
I missed my flight from New York,
266
00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:15,840
'cause Jimmy bloody Fallon had me driving
all across America delivering presents.
267
00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:18,376
- [driver] I'm sorry, what is...
- [Jack] Yeah. Just go with it.
268
00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:21,520
You will have to suspend your disbelief
for a lot of this story.
269
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:22,600
["Jingle Bells" playing]
270
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:26,120
[Jack] So, now I'm in Seattle.
3,000 miles further away from home,
271
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,000
and one day closer to Christmas.
272
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:30,640
But just as I'm about to start trawling
through the dark web
273
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:33,160
and sliding into the DMs
of a few human trafficking gangs,
274
00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:36,440
as luck would have it,
a seat came up on the last flight home.
275
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:38,200
"What could possibly go wrong?"
276
00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:40,560
As people say,
just before things go wrong.
277
00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:43,200
[distorted] ♪ Dashing through the snow… ♪
278
00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:45,520
[screams]
279
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:47,880
[scream echoes]
280
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:52,656
- [driver] All of the flights?
- [Jack] Yeah.
281
00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:54,840
Every single airport in the USA?
282
00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:57,200
Yes. 'Cause of a weather event.
283
00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:59,400
- Weird. That's odd.
- Yeah.
284
00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:02,640
That doesn't happen. Ever.
285
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:04,840
- Well…
- Has never happened, actually.
286
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,440
[Jack] It did, and it does.
287
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,840
So, yeah, I'm stranded in Seattle…
288
00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:10,480
And my poor partner, Roxy,
289
00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:12,856
- is at home facing the chilling prospect…
- [phone chiming]
290
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:15,920
…of spending Christmas
with my family alone.
291
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:18,576
So I did what all celebrities would do
in a predicament like that.
292
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:21,200
I got onto social media
and I whinged about it.
293
00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:22,400
[groans]
294
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:25,720
Even if the airline ignored my plight,
295
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:28,160
I knew my wonderful fans
would do anything to help me.
296
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:29,720
[phone chiming]
297
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:30,800
Blocked.
298
00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:33,320
To be fair, I think most of them
thought it was a joke.
299
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:35,640
- Unnecessary.
- Hence, all of the good-natured banter.
300
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:37,840
And a few low blows.
301
00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:39,800
But then, guess who got in touch?
302
00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:43,080
The last person I expected,
if I hadn't previously arranged
303
00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:44,640
- for him to be in this.
- Yes!
304
00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:46,200
Michael Bublé.
305
00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:48,800
- Bollocks.
- No, he did.
306
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:50,120
- There's no way…
- He did.
307
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:52,840
- …you know Michael Bublé.
- He's a dear friend of mine.
308
00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:55,200
So, then, what does
Michael Bublé say to you?
309
00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:57,560
Michael offered to send me home
on his own private jet.
310
00:13:57,640 --> 00:13:58,640
Right.
311
00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:01,880
All I had to do was hang around
and wait for the pilot to show up.
312
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:07,280
As for Michael, when he found out
that bae was in his town,
313
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:10,880
he thought, "You know what?
I'm gonna clear my schedule",
314
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:14,960
'cause nothing is more important
than me and Jack hanging out
315
00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:17,800
"and doing what I love best,
which is ice skating."
316
00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:20,296
- You went ice skating with Michael Bublé?
- We went ice skating.
317
00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:23,000
Well, I mean,
I thought it was ice skating.
318
00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:27,520
He better have not stood me up.
319
00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:31,040
[chuckles] Oh…
320
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:33,640
- [Jack] Hey.
- What… Dude, seriously?
321
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:35,720
I'm ready for skating.
322
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:37,520
This is… [laughs]
323
00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:40,280
When I said skating,
this is what you thought?
324
00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:42,736
- Yes, figure skating. You said skating!
- Are you shitting me?
325
00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:44,416
I thought you meant like Torvill and Dean.
326
00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:45,896
Me and you, on the ice. Throwing shapes.
327
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:48,456
- Oh, dude, like, actually Blades of Glory.
- Blades of Glory style.
328
00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:51,720
I've worked out a whole dance routine
to "Just Haven't Met You Yet".
329
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:53,760
It ends with the most incredible lift.
330
00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:55,600
You are so high, man.
331
00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:58,120
No, I was thinking more hockey.
Ice hockey.
332
00:14:58,200 --> 00:14:59,360
- What?
- Yeah.
333
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:01,640
- That's not very bromantic.
- No, it's… [stammers]
334
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:04,440
Are you kidding me?
There's nothing more romantic than hockey.
335
00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:05,960
- And what is this? A picnic…
- Yeah.
336
00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:08,080
You literally have Brie cheese
and crackers in here.
337
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:10,000
- Yeah. Michael!
- We do not need that.
338
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:11,440
- Let that go.
- [basket crashes]
339
00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:13,376
- And this, all of this…
- A lot of time and effort
340
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:15,480
- went into making that.
- …while you look stunning,
341
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:17,440
I feel we need to get you changed
342
00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,016
- into something more appropriate.
- Right.
343
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:22,440
You can completely see your balls
and everything in that. [chuckles]
344
00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:24,360
[Jack] I actually have
a couple of Scotch eggs
345
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:26,840
- that I couldn't fit into the hamper…
- [laughing]
346
00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:28,880
…that I popped down there,
just to keep them warm.
347
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,120
[Michael] Let's do this.
348
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:32,536
- [stammers, groans]
- [gruff voice] That's what men do. Men do.
349
00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:34,840
- They skate. They play sport.
- All right. That's right.
350
00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:37,776
[normal voice] It's quite hard to pull off
the manly walk when you're wearing these
351
00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:39,440
- on your feet.
- [laughs]
352
00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:42,160
- [Jack] And a leotard. [chuckles]
- [laughs]
353
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:45,120
[Jack] So, change of plan.
Which was cool with me.
354
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:47,800
I was basically happy to do
whatever Michael Bublé wanted.
355
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:50,320
If I have one rule in life, it's,
don't piss off
356
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,880
the guy with the private jet
who can get you home quickly.
357
00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:56,800
If he wanted to go watch some sport,
we go watch some sport.
358
00:15:56,880 --> 00:16:00,000
- He does not like sport.
- He likes sports. That's his passion.
359
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:01,480
He loves hockey.
360
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:04,080
- No. That's too aggressive for Bublé.
- Yeah. No.
361
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:07,840
He's snuggling by the fire
and pouring eggnog.
362
00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:09,800
Not contact sports. No way.
363
00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:12,920
[Jack] He's a complicated guy, okay?
364
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:16,160
I mean, like, one minute,
he's telling me he hates Christmas.
365
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:17,360
The next minute…
366
00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:19,720
- …why I love it so much…
- Mmm.
367
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:24,280
…Is because my mother and father,
and my grandparents,
368
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:26,000
they gave us so much love,
369
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:29,800
that I feel like Christmas,
for me and my kids,
370
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,320
all I'm doing
371
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:35,400
- is trying to repeat the traditions…
- Yeah.
372
00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:37,920
- …play the songs, make the food.
- Yeah.
373
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,120
- All of those core memories.
- Yeah.
374
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:44,280
Christmas isn't Santa,
and Christmas isn't about presents.
375
00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:45,640
- It's about them.
- Yeah.
376
00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:47,720
- What are you gonna do?
- For what?
377
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:50,296
- The holidays. For Christmas.
- The holidays, I'm gonna have it at mine.
378
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:51,680
- Are you excited?
- With the baby.
379
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:53,440
- How excited are you?
- Our little Elsie.
380
00:16:53,520 --> 00:16:54,840
Yeah, I'm so excited.
381
00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:56,160
This is the first one
382
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:59,800
where she is gonna be old enough
to sort of realise what's going on.
383
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:01,600
- The first one was amazing.
- Yeah. Yeah.
384
00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:04,960
- But she was, like, so small.
- Yeah, a little…
385
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:07,280
One day, she's gonna try
to recreate all that stuff
386
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:10,400
you and your girl… your wife?
387
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:12,560
Not my wife. Not yet.
388
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,080
She's my partner.
389
00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:18,280
- No, don't go there.
- [laughs]
390
00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:21,160
I can tell a little thought came
into your mind there
391
00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:23,080
and that's what we call an inside thought.
392
00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:25,240
- I'm just curious. Like, are we waiting?
- No…
393
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:28,216
- Is there… Maybe you're waiting for her…
- I love her. She's an incredible mother.
394
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:30,320
…to get pregnant or something.
I don't know.
395
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:34,080
[laughs] I'm gonna have to propose to her
before this show comes out now.
396
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:35,520
You're not gonna… Are you really?
397
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:37,120
- Yeah.
- I wish I could be part of it.
398
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:39,600
Can I pop up out of a box or something,
if you ever do it?
399
00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:41,040
100%.
400
00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:43,800
- If I'm making the proposal…
- I swear to shit,
401
00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:45,536
this is not a joke,
you have this on camera.
402
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:46,560
Yeah.
403
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:49,320
If you propose, and you wanna use me,
and I pop out of a…
404
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,560
but in a…
like a romantic way, it isn't funny.
405
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:54,200
And I come out and, like, I go like…
406
00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:57,160
♪ And in this crazy life ♪
407
00:17:57,240 --> 00:18:00,880
♪ And through these crazy times ♪
408
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:03,040
I would do that.
I would jump out and be part of it.
409
00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:06,720
And then I could be like, "I was part
of the greatest love story ever."
410
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:09,080
- Oh, my God.
- The Whitehalls, and their nine children.
411
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,400
The only thing that I'd want in return
412
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:15,480
is to be able to hide in the closet and
watch you guys do it on your honeymoon.
413
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:17,200
Nothing weird.
414
00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:20,920
Would you still be singing in the closet?
415
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:24,576
- 'Cause I actually think that might help.
- No, I would only be singing the…
416
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:28,040
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
417
00:18:28,120 --> 00:18:30,280
It wouldn't be much different
to how we normally do it,
418
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:35,000
'cause your music is on
most of the times that we make love.
419
00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:37,720
Man. I wish, man.
Just tell me I was a part of it.
420
00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:41,760
[Jack] I really was there with him. Look.
421
00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:44,280
That's the jersey. I got my name on it.
422
00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:49,480
You can get one of those
personalised at Sports Direct.
423
00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:52,320
And you get a massive mug free with it.
424
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:55,720
Right, well I haven't got the mug,
and I didn't get this from Sports Direct.
425
00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:58,880
Me and Michael Bublé,
we both had our names on our back,
426
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:04,080
and everyone was like, wow,
is that Michael Bublé? And Whitehall,
427
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:06,040
who's Whitehall? There was a bit of that.
428
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,480
This is how we walk
when we go to a Kraken game.
429
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,720
- [cheers]
- [phone chiming]
430
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:13,960
[Jack] Oh, yeah.
431
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:20,080
[Michael] Oh. [laughs]
432
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:21,200
Oh, yeah.
433
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:23,920
[cheers]
434
00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:32,240
They only had one left.
435
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:34,440
- One?
- So we'll have to share it.
436
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:37,456
- Okay, this gonna…
- [Jack] Finally, things are looking up.
437
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:40,560
I'm double-ending a hot dog
with my man crush.
438
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:44,080
Apparently there's a hockey game
going on as well. I don't care.
439
00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:47,320
I'm thinking by the second half,
he might be ready for the popcorn trick.
440
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:50,200
This whole thing was worth it
for that moment.
441
00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:53,480
And then all of a sudden, he goes…
442
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:57,000
You're gonna love this next part.
So they're basically gonna pick randomly
443
00:19:57,080 --> 00:20:00,400
from the crowd two people
to go down on the ice,
444
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:03,200
and play tug of war. It's hilarious.
445
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:05,440
[song plays]
446
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:06,600
That's my song, dude.
447
00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:11,760
[announcer] Joining us on the ice.
Jack Whitehall!
448
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:13,040
[cheering]
449
00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:19,200
See that? They picked you.
You get to go down and do the tug of war.
450
00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:20,280
You're an asshole.
451
00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:22,560
That's amazing.
452
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:24,880
I had no idea that was gonna happen.
453
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,200
You're a… You're a douche.
454
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:29,080
Were you doing tug of war
with Michael Bublé?
455
00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:32,240
I wish it was that.
I wish it was me and Michael Bublé.
456
00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:35,840
The whole purpose of me hanging out
with him is that I wanted to have
457
00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:37,560
a stronger connection with him,
458
00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:40,360
be it, you know, emotionally
or tied to him.
459
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:42,840
I would've taken being tethered
to him physically.
460
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:45,640
Wasn't even Michael Bublé,
because he had set me up.
461
00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:48,640
I go down to the side
of the ice hockey rink,
462
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:50,760
and there's this brick shithouse
waiting for me.
463
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:53,480
He looked like Hodor in Game of Thrones,
464
00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:55,920
and that's who I had
to do the tug of war against.
465
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:59,200
This feels like a mismatch. What about
that little old lady over there?
466
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,440
With the white hair?
I'll do it against her.
467
00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:05,400
Let's go!
468
00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:08,720
I mean, I'm literally like his bitch now.
469
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:12,840
I mean, this is an absolute joke.
Look, he's warming up.
470
00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:14,520
Look at how seriously he's taking it.
471
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:18,760
He's got like the cold dead eyes
of a killer as well.
472
00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:22,040
He's gonna get his ass dragged around.
This is gonna be amazing.
473
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:24,600
There he is.
474
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:29,160
- Let's go, Jack!
- [crowd cheering]
475
00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:34,480
[Michael] Let's go, Whitehall!
476
00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:37,440
[grunts]
477
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:40,400
[laughs]
478
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:42,080
Let's go, Jack!
479
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:45,160
[grunting]
480
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:46,400
Fucking hell.
481
00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:50,760
[grunting] Come here, you big bastard.
482
00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:58,240
All I knew is I was getting my pants
pulled down in front of 20,000 people,
483
00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:02,920
whilst Bublé sat there giggling like
a schoolboy that had just cupped a fart.
484
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:07,160
[driver] I'm shocked, but I can't see him
punking people like that.
485
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:08,960
[Jack] Well, he did, okay?
486
00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:10,240
He got killed.
487
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,960
[Jack] That man has
a very sadistic streak.
488
00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:15,640
- [Jack sighs]
- That was awesome, my dude.
489
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:18,360
- Really, thank you, man.
- No, don't…
490
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:22,200
I get emotional with these goodbyes.
I don't know when I'm gonna see you again.
491
00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:24,960
No, soon. That was amazing.
That was a beautiful hang out.
492
00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:26,200
Great hang.
493
00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:29,880
Unfortunately, there was another catch,
as is becoming a recurring motif
494
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:31,520
with this fucking piss-taker.
495
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:34,720
Turns out the plane couldn't land
directly in Heathrow, and had to land
496
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:37,240
just outside of London, in Zurich.
497
00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:40,400
- Why Zurich?
- Well, they… The jet was going to Zurich.
498
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:43,000
As an experienced cab driver,
499
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:48,080
I know how to plan an efficient journey,
and that is not it.
500
00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:00,240
- Water?
- I'm all good, thanks.
501
00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:02,200
- Water, sir?
- No, I'm good, thank you.
502
00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:05,040
Oh, my God.
503
00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:06,400
Dave Bautista?
504
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:09,600
Yeah. Hey. Hey, it's great to meet you.
You must be Michael's friend.
505
00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:12,240
- Sorry. What are you doing here?
- It's my jet.
506
00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:13,560
I told him I'd give you a lift.
507
00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:15,280
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
508
00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:18,200
I gotta be honest, when he messaged me,
I was gonna say no,
509
00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:21,880
but after hearing your story,
I was very moved, man.
510
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:25,000
Thank you. Trying to get back in time
to see my family for Christmas.
511
00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:26,640
Yeah, and the orphans.
512
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:27,800
What?
513
00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:29,600
Are these the gifts? Can I look?
514
00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:31,640
- Uh. Yeah, the gifts.
- Yeah.
515
00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:32,720
They're fun.
516
00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:36,320
Yes, no, those are
the gifts for the orphans.
517
00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:38,200
Never know when that's
gonna come in handy.
518
00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:41,960
Um, you know, I just like to give
a little bit back at this time of year.
519
00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:44,360
Chocolate, you know how much
kids love chocolate.
520
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:49,040
And travel adapters.
Yeah, those are for the orphans.
521
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:51,880
- Not all heroes wear capes, eh?
- [chuckles]
522
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:53,760
Or have blue skin and big red veins.
523
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:56,080
Guardians reference.
524
00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:00,200
Just pop that in there. Thank you.
525
00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:01,680
- [Dave clears throat]
- [Jack] Ooh!
526
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:04,000
Champagne. Is this complimentary?
527
00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:05,920
Well, I mean, technically I pay for it.
528
00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:07,040
Oops.
529
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:08,960
Sorry. [chuckles]
530
00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:10,160
Waste not, want not.
531
00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:12,760
Oh. [slurps]
532
00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:16,640
[groans] So bubbly. Oh, God. Fuck.
533
00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:18,840
That's set off my acid reflux.
534
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:21,600
Got a spastic sphincter in my oesophagus.
[exhales sharply]
535
00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:24,920
Gosh. [groans] I should be all right
if I just sit upright,
536
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:27,520
although there is a small chance
that you might have to burp me.
537
00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:29,520
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
538
00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:32,400
I don't mean to be rude,
but I got some emails.
539
00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:34,160
Oh, sorry. Yes.
540
00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:35,720
- Hustle never sleeps.
- [chuckles]
541
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:38,360
I'll let you get on with that.
I've got some Christmas prep.
542
00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:40,040
I can be busying myself with anyway.
543
00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:42,240
[burps] Oh, sorry. There's that burp.
544
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:50,040
[tape crinkling]
545
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:54,120
[crinkling]
546
00:24:58,280 --> 00:24:59,840
Do you have to do that now?
547
00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:02,520
Sorry. I was just trying
to get ahead of my wrapping.
548
00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:06,080
Is that for the sick kids too?
549
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:09,080
Oh. No. Actually, this one is for you.
550
00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:11,760
- Ah.
- Merry Christmas.
551
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:13,480
Keep those pits smelling fresh.
552
00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:16,000
Thank you. Very touched.
553
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:18,440
I can do the rest of my wrapping later.
554
00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:19,520
Yeah, that'd be great.
555
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:23,280
Very antisocial of me.
556
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:27,040
More than happy to play a game
instead to pass the time.
557
00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:29,280
N-No. No, that's not what I meant.
558
00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:30,960
I spy.
559
00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:33,400
Mmm. Yeah,
I'm not playing that game with you.
560
00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:35,280
- Never have I ever.
- [sighs] No.
561
00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:36,400
- Name game?
- No.
562
00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:37,640
- Truth or dare?
- No.
563
00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:38,800
- Thumb war?
- No.
564
00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:39,880
- Twister?
- No.
565
00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:42,000
- Spin the bottle?
- Dude, have you taken something?
566
00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:43,480
What about a limerick?
567
00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:48,120
There once was a man called Dave,
rich of voice, firm of glute, very brave.
568
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:49,520
Do you ever stop talking?
569
00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:53,480
- I'm gonna try to get some sleep.
- [whispers] Oh, sorry.
570
00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:56,000
- Thank you.
- I'm being quite annoying, aren't I?
571
00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:57,600
[groans, sighs]
572
00:25:57,680 --> 00:25:58,680
Just a little bit.
573
00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:01,360
Okay. Well, I totally respect that.
574
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:04,880
You're a raw dogger.
You'll not hear another peep from me.
575
00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:13,800
Fucking Michael.
576
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:29,880
[Dave sighs]
577
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:40,480
[crinkling]
578
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:43,320
- [clears throat]
- [crinkling]
579
00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:45,760
- [clears throat]
- [crinkling continues]
580
00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:55,960
Dude, what the hell?
581
00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:57,840
Sorry, I'm just having a pork scratching.
582
00:26:58,360 --> 00:27:00,640
- What?
- It's a British delicacy.
583
00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:02,440
It's like deep fried pork rind.
584
00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:04,160
Do you have to eat them now?
585
00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:06,440
Well, it's just that
I'm on a bit of a bulk,
586
00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:08,800
need to get my protein in,
on the gain train,
587
00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:11,400
you know what it's like, big man.
I could just eat them…
588
00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:14,560
I'll do it quickly.
589
00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:18,520
Do you have a quieter snack?
590
00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:21,760
Oh, actually,
I also bought some pickled eggs.
591
00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:25,200
Do not open that.
Do not… Dude, don't open…
592
00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:26,560
- [groans]
- Oof.
593
00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:29,360
Come on!
Smells like someone died in there.
594
00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:30,920
Honestly, they're rather moreish.
595
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:33,600
And here's a life hack,
if you put them into your mouth
596
00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:35,920
at the same time
as the, uh, pork scratchings,
597
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:38,920
it's almost like having
a full English breakfast in your mouth.
598
00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:45,520
Oh, speaking of English breakfasts,
I've also got some black pudding.
599
00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:48,760
- Would you like some?
- No! Get that away from me.
600
00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:50,960
Dude, I'm done. Enough.
601
00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:54,240
Just sit there and shut up until we land.
Understood?
602
00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:55,920
Yes, Dave.
603
00:27:58,200 --> 00:27:59,120
On second thought.
604
00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:01,640
- [tape crinkling]
- [Jack] Oh. Oh!
605
00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:02,920
[stammering]
606
00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:05,320
[sighs]
607
00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:12,400
I can see a few raised eyebrows
in the front there.
608
00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:17,960
You remind me a lot of a compulsive liar
I knew at secondary school.
609
00:28:18,040 --> 00:28:20,200
- [scoffs]
- He said his dad was the Stig.
610
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:22,360
Right. Well, I'm not lying.
611
00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:24,600
This is the truth.
This is the God's honest truth.
612
00:28:24,680 --> 00:28:25,680
Right, okay.
613
00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:28,080
[Jack] So I land in Zurich
nine hours later,
614
00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:29,520
having been taped to a chair.
615
00:28:29,600 --> 00:28:30,600
It got pretty messy.
616
00:28:30,680 --> 00:28:33,400
Let's just say I had to bail
my underpants on arrival.
617
00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:34,920
[driver] Oh, God.
618
00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:37,480
[Jack] Hope I never bump
into Dave Bautista again.
619
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:40,080
But thankfully, things were looking up,
620
00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:43,640
as I arrived to a message
from the Great British bobsleigh team,
621
00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:46,720
who told me that
if I jumped on a train to St Moritz,
622
00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:48,920
they could help me
get a little bit closer to home.
623
00:28:51,040 --> 00:28:53,360
- [driver] This is fucking mad.
- [Jack] Yeah.
624
00:28:56,440 --> 00:28:59,480
My phone had also blown up
with yet more messages from Roxy,
625
00:28:59,560 --> 00:29:03,680
who was having to man-mark my uncle Roger,
keeping him away from the drinks cabinet.
626
00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:06,040
I had to get this train.
627
00:29:06,120 --> 00:29:09,800
[driver] That sounds a lot like
Planes, Trains and Automobiles.
628
00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:12,800
- Mmm. Does it? No.
- In fact, it's even in the same order.
629
00:29:12,880 --> 00:29:15,000
You went on a plane,
then you went on a train.
630
00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:16,240
That's just coincidence.
631
00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:18,720
You're going on a train,
you seriously going on a train now?
632
00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:20,800
Yeah, yeah.
There was then a train journey.
633
00:29:20,880 --> 00:29:22,280
It actually happened.
634
00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:29,720
It was a short, very scenic train,
which is very famous
635
00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:34,360
and looked very beautiful, like the kind
of train that you'd see on a travel show.
636
00:29:35,120 --> 00:29:36,920
- Right.
- With Michael Portillo
637
00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:40,840
wistfully looking out of the window
and admiring all of the wonderful scenery.
638
00:29:42,840 --> 00:29:45,600
It was like a wintry Hogwarts Express.
639
00:29:45,680 --> 00:29:50,960
Proper train porn. Cutting its way through
the mountains all the way to St Moritz,
640
00:29:51,040 --> 00:29:53,480
and the waiting arms
of the British bobsleigh team.
641
00:29:58,240 --> 00:30:00,080
So they were in St Moritz
642
00:30:00,160 --> 00:30:02,520
because it plays host
to the Bobsledding World Cup.
643
00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:09,960
That's ridiculous. You're just sort of
lifting nineties movies now,
644
00:30:10,040 --> 00:30:11,240
that's just Cool Runnings.
645
00:30:11,320 --> 00:30:14,360
- Yeah.
- Another film with John Candy.
646
00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:20,080
Yeah, I do love the oeuvre of John Candy,
but I do not see the parallels.
647
00:30:20,160 --> 00:30:22,320
So I was told to meet the bobsleigh pros
648
00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:24,480
at their state of the art
training facility.
649
00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:26,720
God bless that lottery funding.
650
00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:28,400
Hi, nice to meet you.
651
00:30:28,480 --> 00:30:30,240
Do you actually just do it in a car park?
652
00:30:30,320 --> 00:30:31,880
- Pretty much, yeah.
- [Jack] Really?
653
00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:34,440
Is Cool Runnings right?
Are the Austrian team as big a shitbags
654
00:30:34,480 --> 00:30:35,800
as they come across in that film?
655
00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:38,760
- Swiss.
- [Jack] The Swiss, they're the worst?
656
00:30:38,840 --> 00:30:40,680
- Are they actually?
- Yeah, I hate them all.
657
00:30:40,760 --> 00:30:42,960
- No, they're fine.
- Massive thank you as well
658
00:30:43,040 --> 00:30:44,760
for agreeing to give me a lift to France.
659
00:30:45,520 --> 00:30:47,000
Such a touch, thank you.
660
00:30:47,080 --> 00:30:49,440
There's gonna be one thing
we need from you though.
661
00:30:49,520 --> 00:30:51,936
- Need you to jump in the sled for us.
- I'll jump in right now.
662
00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:55,400
I'm not going down a hill though.
I'll sit in it and I'll look at it,
663
00:30:55,480 --> 00:30:57,160
and maybe we could pose for some pictures.
664
00:30:57,240 --> 00:31:00,080
Absolutely no way I'm going down
an actual bobsleigh track.
665
00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:02,960
I'm afraid you're gonna stay
in St Moritz then, if that's the case.
666
00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:05,880
Your lift's at the bottom of the mountain.
There's only one way down.
667
00:31:05,960 --> 00:31:08,280
- What, are you scared?
- Yes.
668
00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:10,600
- I'm terrified.
- There's nothing to be scared about.
669
00:31:10,680 --> 00:31:12,480
How fast does it go?
How often do you crash?
670
00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:14,800
Those are the two questions
that I will need an answer to
671
00:31:14,880 --> 00:31:16,240
before I make a decision.
672
00:31:16,320 --> 00:31:18,200
So you probably could
get up to like 100 mph.
673
00:31:18,280 --> 00:31:20,520
Fuck off. I'm not getting in that
at 100 miles per hour.
674
00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:22,800
I'm gonna give you this.
So this is a race suit.
675
00:31:24,080 --> 00:31:25,840
- It should be snug.
- Skin tight Lycra.
676
00:31:25,920 --> 00:31:29,440
You want me to get into skin tight Lycra
and then stand next to the Chippendales.
677
00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:31,880
- How about that?
- That will be it.
678
00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:35,360
Is there a changing room or…
679
00:31:35,440 --> 00:31:37,336
- Probably not, we're in a car park.
- Go into the corner.
680
00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:38,960
[Jack] This is a fucking joke.
681
00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:42,680
- Okay.
- There he is.
682
00:31:42,760 --> 00:31:44,296
- He's looking good.
- Now we're talking.
683
00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:46,480
I thought you were
changing into it as well.
684
00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:49,520
- No, you're the star.
- Why do I have to look like a lemon,
685
00:31:49,600 --> 00:31:51,080
you're just in your training gear.
686
00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:53,200
- You look great.
- Sorry, guys.
687
00:31:53,280 --> 00:31:56,000
So it's Jack Grealish,
he called, he wants his calves back.
688
00:31:56,080 --> 00:31:57,200
Yeah, nice!
689
00:31:57,280 --> 00:31:58,600
[Jack] Look at that. All right.
690
00:31:58,680 --> 00:31:59,880
Okay, let's do it.
691
00:31:59,960 --> 00:32:02,920
So the way this works
is your pilot's in here.
692
00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:05,016
Number two sits here,
this is where you're gonna sit.
693
00:32:05,040 --> 00:32:06,960
Wait, let me guess. Number three there?
694
00:32:07,040 --> 00:32:08,040
- Bang on.
- Four.
695
00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:11,280
- You've sussed it.
- You left him hanging.
696
00:32:11,360 --> 00:32:12,760
Aw. Jesus.
697
00:32:12,840 --> 00:32:13,840
Right, let's go, bro.
698
00:32:15,240 --> 00:32:16,240
- Let's go!
- Go!
699
00:32:18,680 --> 00:32:20,640
- Go on, Jack.
- Oh, no. That…
700
00:32:20,720 --> 00:32:21,960
That's not good.
701
00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:23,160
Okay.
702
00:32:23,720 --> 00:32:25,120
I will admit. That one's on me.
703
00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:26,240
Come on, Jack.
704
00:32:27,440 --> 00:32:30,800
Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme!
Get on up! It's bobsleigh time!
705
00:32:31,320 --> 00:32:33,480
I just died inside. [laughs]
706
00:32:33,560 --> 00:32:35,120
[grunting]
707
00:32:40,440 --> 00:32:41,920
That was a good effort.
708
00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:44,160
How long is this cab drive, by the way?
709
00:32:44,240 --> 00:32:46,520
[stammers] This is a shortcut.
710
00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:50,160
We've been round Big Ben like five times.
711
00:32:50,240 --> 00:32:52,080
Have you done The Knowledge?
712
00:32:52,160 --> 00:32:53,960
- Hmm?
- Have you done The Knowledge?
713
00:32:54,040 --> 00:32:55,400
Is that a quiz show?
714
00:32:55,480 --> 00:32:58,320
No, The Knowledge. All cab drivers
have to pass The Knowledge.
715
00:32:58,400 --> 00:33:02,400
[driver] All right, get on with it, I want
to find out if you die in the bobsled.
716
00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:04,640
[Jack] I mean, obviously I don't.
717
00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:08,960
But picture the scene, I'm there,
at the famous Bobsleigh World Cup,
718
00:33:09,040 --> 00:33:11,880
packed full of elite athletes,
and then there's me.
719
00:33:13,480 --> 00:33:15,280
[German accent] Watch out
for number 12 turn.
720
00:33:15,360 --> 00:33:17,400
- What?
- Watch out for number 12 turn.
721
00:33:17,480 --> 00:33:19,600
- Okay, why?
- Scary, huh?
722
00:33:21,280 --> 00:33:22,656
[normal voice]
How has no one seen that film?
723
00:33:22,680 --> 00:33:26,200
Armed with a lycra suit
and 25 minutes of training,
724
00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:29,760
I was about to slide down a mountain.
In a little tin can.
725
00:33:30,640 --> 00:33:33,840
Let me guess, there was
an Olympic champion nearby
726
00:33:33,920 --> 00:33:35,680
who was happy to take you down.
727
00:33:37,880 --> 00:33:39,240
Oh, for fuck…
728
00:33:41,960 --> 00:33:46,840
[Jack] Yeah. Well, four time Olympic
medallist Beat Hefti, as it happens.
729
00:33:47,480 --> 00:33:48,800
Fuck.
730
00:33:51,200 --> 00:33:54,400
- Is that a fucking joke?
- It was a two man.
731
00:33:54,480 --> 00:33:57,520
- S-So we'll be going faster than that?
- No, the same.
732
00:33:57,600 --> 00:33:58,880
The same speed.
733
00:34:01,840 --> 00:34:03,800
The fastest way here is the safest.
734
00:34:04,400 --> 00:34:06,680
That's just something you're saying to me.
735
00:34:07,200 --> 00:34:09,656
The best way through this
would have been just to blindfold me,
736
00:34:09,680 --> 00:34:11,760
take me to the top of the mountain,
put me in it
737
00:34:11,840 --> 00:34:12,840
and then push me down.
738
00:34:13,680 --> 00:34:16,216
The more of it that I'm seeing
and the more that I'm talking to you,
739
00:34:16,240 --> 00:34:20,440
the more it's making me feel
like this is one of the worst decisions
740
00:34:20,520 --> 00:34:21,720
I've ever made in my life.
741
00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:26,680
Thankfully, as I headed up for my turn,
742
00:34:26,760 --> 00:34:28,800
Team GB were
in the middle of a practice run,
743
00:34:28,880 --> 00:34:32,440
so I was able to watch my coaches
show me exactly how the experts do it,
744
00:34:32,960 --> 00:34:35,080
right up until the moment
that they crashed.
745
00:34:37,080 --> 00:34:39,160
[driver] This is bloody bonkers.
746
00:34:39,240 --> 00:34:41,560
[Jack] I know. But I didn't have
a lot of choice, did I?
747
00:34:41,640 --> 00:34:43,880
If I was going to stand any chance
of getting home.
748
00:34:43,960 --> 00:34:46,120
Even if that was in a full body cast.
749
00:34:46,200 --> 00:34:48,880
I see you guys on the big screen,
you only bloody crashed.
750
00:34:48,960 --> 00:34:50,120
[laughs]
751
00:34:50,200 --> 00:34:52,600
Oh, my God. Honestly,
I was like, those are the guys
752
00:34:52,680 --> 00:34:54,840
- that taught me how to do it.
- [laughing]
753
00:34:54,920 --> 00:34:57,120
I've got one last thing
that I need you to do for me.
754
00:34:57,200 --> 00:34:58,840
- Go on then.
- Kiss it.
755
00:34:58,920 --> 00:35:00,640
- [team laughing]
- [Jack sighs]
756
00:35:01,400 --> 00:35:05,040
I basically spent most of the time
making Cool Runnings jokes to them…
757
00:35:05,120 --> 00:35:06,776
- [driver] Right.
- …which did not play well
758
00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:08,080
with the bobsledding community.
759
00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:09,320
Can you imagine that?
760
00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:11,960
Yes. Actually, yeah. I-I can.
761
00:35:12,640 --> 00:35:13,960
That's going in there, is it?
762
00:35:14,040 --> 00:35:15,640
- Now, he's ready to go.
- Is he?
763
00:35:16,440 --> 00:35:17,440
Steady.
764
00:35:17,520 --> 00:35:19,480
- Steady.
- Is that boiled, or is that fresh?
765
00:35:19,560 --> 00:35:20,600
No, it's raw.
766
00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:21,680
It's raw, okay.
767
00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:23,800
- I should have probably boiled it.
- Yeah, yeah.
768
00:35:23,880 --> 00:35:25,200
[Jack] It might not sound it,
769
00:35:25,280 --> 00:35:27,360
but at this point
I was honestly bricking it.
770
00:35:27,440 --> 00:35:30,800
And I wasn't getting a huge amount
of emotional support from back home.
771
00:35:30,880 --> 00:35:32,800
[phone chiming]
772
00:35:32,880 --> 00:35:34,920
[driver] Did you fake this next bit then?
773
00:35:35,000 --> 00:35:38,400
[Jack] No, genuinely not.
Although I wish I had.
774
00:35:38,480 --> 00:35:41,600
Because I was beginning to worry
that my lucky egg wasn't gonna protect me
775
00:35:41,680 --> 00:35:43,880
from a 90-mile-per-hour head-on collision.
776
00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:47,720
Hey, do you have any, um…
any kind of drugs?
777
00:35:48,320 --> 00:35:51,960
- [paramedic] Do we have any kind of drugs?
- [Jack] Tramadol? Do you have tramadol?
778
00:35:52,040 --> 00:35:53,440
[paramedic] Something for the pain?
779
00:35:53,480 --> 00:35:57,280
[Jack] No. Uh, something, uh,
to just, like, knock me out.
780
00:35:57,360 --> 00:35:59,440
- [laughing]
- 'Cause I'm about to do the bobsleigh.
781
00:35:59,520 --> 00:36:02,120
Like ketamine. Do you have any ketamine?
782
00:36:02,200 --> 00:36:03,720
- [paramedic] Uh…
- [Jack] Just a key?
783
00:36:03,800 --> 00:36:06,600
[paramedic]
We can't give medicine for that one.
784
00:36:06,680 --> 00:36:09,000
[Jack] Have you got a number
for someone that can?
785
00:36:14,240 --> 00:36:15,760
You can see the fear in his eyes.
786
00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:16,960
[Jack] Am I here now?
787
00:36:17,760 --> 00:36:19,720
- [groans]
- Go on, Jack.
788
00:36:19,800 --> 00:36:21,096
- [Jack] Okay.
- You'll have a great time.
789
00:36:21,120 --> 00:36:24,360
[Jack] Oh, God. This has been,
like, a really bad idea.
790
00:36:30,720 --> 00:36:33,840
Oh, God. I don't like it.
791
00:36:33,920 --> 00:36:35,400
Nah, you're gonna be fine, mate.
792
00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:37,360
- You'll be fine.
- Just hold on tight.
793
00:36:37,440 --> 00:36:39,560
[Jack] Remember,
we don't have to impress anyone,
794
00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:42,280
we just go down at a leisurely pace,
at our own pace.
795
00:36:42,360 --> 00:36:43,200
Jack.
796
00:36:43,280 --> 00:36:44,720
It's normal to shit yourself.
797
00:36:46,240 --> 00:36:47,960
Just clench your buttocks.
798
00:36:48,040 --> 00:36:51,600
[Jack] Right. Okay. But in case I can't,
I'd lower your visor.
799
00:36:51,680 --> 00:36:53,016
- [pilot] We go?
- [Jack] We're gonna go?
800
00:36:53,040 --> 00:36:54,880
Right. Enjoy.
801
00:36:54,960 --> 00:36:56,440
- Let's go, Jack.
- Come on, Jack.
802
00:36:56,520 --> 00:36:57,840
[cheering]
803
00:36:58,480 --> 00:37:00,320
[Jack] I've changed my mind,
I wanna go back.
804
00:37:04,080 --> 00:37:05,080
Oh, God.
805
00:37:07,080 --> 00:37:08,640
Oh, Jesus. [laughs]
806
00:37:09,680 --> 00:37:12,760
[cheering]
807
00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:14,160
Oh, God!
808
00:37:14,240 --> 00:37:15,880
[cheering, shouting]
809
00:37:27,520 --> 00:37:29,760
Oh, my God. I'm gonna be sick.
810
00:37:30,280 --> 00:37:31,280
Holy shit.
811
00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:36,040
[screaming]
812
00:37:36,120 --> 00:37:37,400
Fucking hell!
813
00:37:38,920 --> 00:37:41,040
Mary, mother of Jesus.
814
00:37:44,760 --> 00:37:45,760
Are we there yet?
815
00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:52,640
[groaning, retching]
816
00:38:08,480 --> 00:38:11,240
[Jack sighs, cheers]
817
00:38:11,320 --> 00:38:12,600
Oh, my God.
818
00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:16,120
That was insane.
819
00:38:16,200 --> 00:38:18,320
[groaning]
820
00:38:19,760 --> 00:38:22,080
[laughs] Oh, my…
821
00:38:22,840 --> 00:38:24,080
Oh, my God.
822
00:38:24,640 --> 00:38:28,680
[chuckling] That was so much faster
than I thought.
823
00:38:29,840 --> 00:38:31,240
I'm literally shaking.
824
00:38:31,840 --> 00:38:36,200
[sighs] It was like the most extreme
roller coaster times ten.
825
00:38:36,280 --> 00:38:38,640
Honestly. And you're like thrown around.
826
00:38:40,400 --> 00:38:43,200
- Good job. [laughs]
- I managed to keep my eyes open.
827
00:38:43,280 --> 00:38:45,080
- And my arsehole shut.
- Can I help you?
828
00:38:45,160 --> 00:38:46,160
[Jack] Yeah.
829
00:38:47,080 --> 00:38:48,920
So… [laughs]
830
00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:51,040
Oh, my God. Where did the egg go?
831
00:38:52,240 --> 00:38:53,440
It's literally…
832
00:38:54,680 --> 00:38:55,960
- Where has it gone?
- [laughing]
833
00:38:56,040 --> 00:38:57,640
[groans] For f…
834
00:38:59,920 --> 00:39:01,160
[groans]
835
00:39:02,280 --> 00:39:03,560
[sighs] Geez.
836
00:39:04,160 --> 00:39:06,400
Right, I think I'm retired
from bobsleighing now.
837
00:39:10,360 --> 00:39:12,880
That's egg, not shit, by the way. Egg.
838
00:39:21,520 --> 00:39:23,600
Yeah, really happy
with the performance today.
839
00:39:23,680 --> 00:39:26,560
St Moritz is never an easy place
to come, but, uh…
840
00:39:26,640 --> 00:39:28,520
Sorry, you need to come out
of here right now.
841
00:39:28,600 --> 00:39:30,416
- Because we're doing runs.
- Oh, sorry. Oh, right.
842
00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:32,080
- [director] Can you…
- I was just, sorry.
843
00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:33,120
[director] Please.
844
00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:37,816
- I was just doing a post-match interview.
- Yeah, no, you need to leave. Thank you.
845
00:39:37,840 --> 00:39:38,840
- Thanks.
- Cheers.
846
00:39:38,920 --> 00:39:40,280
That's egg by the way, not shit.
847
00:39:41,760 --> 00:39:44,000
Did the bobsleigh,
so that's that off the bucket list.
848
00:39:44,080 --> 00:39:45,480
Yeah, allegedly.
849
00:39:45,560 --> 00:39:48,280
No, I… not allegedly. Genuinely.
850
00:39:48,960 --> 00:39:50,880
- But anyway…
- [driver] Yeah, sorry, go on.
851
00:39:50,960 --> 00:39:52,680
[Jack] Enough about
that leg of the journey.
852
00:39:54,720 --> 00:39:56,040
[horn honking]
853
00:39:56,120 --> 00:39:57,160
[toilet flushes]
854
00:39:59,360 --> 00:40:03,000
[Jack] So after that, I grabbed my things
and got in the Team GB minibus
855
00:40:03,080 --> 00:40:06,600
which was able to take me
as far as Megève in France.
856
00:40:07,200 --> 00:40:10,360
And I assume that you
magically know somebody there
857
00:40:10,440 --> 00:40:11,960
that's gonna help you out.
858
00:40:12,040 --> 00:40:13,760
- Yes, I did.
- Of course.
859
00:40:13,840 --> 00:40:17,800
None other than internationally
renowned star of Wonka,
860
00:40:17,880 --> 00:40:20,640
actor and comedian, Tom Davis.
861
00:40:20,720 --> 00:40:23,480
- [phone chimes]
- [Tom] Whitehall, you streak of piss,
862
00:40:23,560 --> 00:40:26,800
heard you're in Megève
and you need to get home for Christmas.
863
00:40:26,880 --> 00:40:29,400
Don't worry, my brother,
I've got you sorted.
864
00:40:30,000 --> 00:40:32,536
- [Jack] So, what are you doing out here?
- [Tom] I'm writing my memoirs.
865
00:40:32,560 --> 00:40:35,920
I wanted to get some space,
some clarity, so I hired a little chalet.
866
00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:38,096
- That's a good idea.
- I came here then forgot my laptop,
867
00:40:38,120 --> 00:40:40,800
so I've just sort of been going out
and getting drunk quite a lot.
868
00:40:40,880 --> 00:40:43,280
So this woman here,
she's what they call out here a musher.
869
00:40:43,360 --> 00:40:44,520
- A musher?
- Yeah.
870
00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:47,160
That's what all the lads
down the bar call her.
871
00:40:47,240 --> 00:40:49,960
- Big Musher. So… Ooh, careful.
- Ooh. [laughs]
872
00:40:50,040 --> 00:40:51,160
[whines]
873
00:40:51,240 --> 00:40:53,776
And I can definitely call her a musher?
That's not a problematic thing.
874
00:40:53,800 --> 00:40:55,400
- Just call her Big Musher.
- Okay.
875
00:40:57,800 --> 00:41:00,600
So Tom's ludicrous plan
to get me across the Alps
876
00:41:00,680 --> 00:41:04,480
and closer to home was to enter
France's most prestigious husky race,
877
00:41:04,560 --> 00:41:06,960
which set off from Megève the next day.
878
00:41:07,040 --> 00:41:08,176
- [driver] Right.
- [Jack] I know.
879
00:41:08,200 --> 00:41:09,840
He insisted it was a good idea.
880
00:41:09,920 --> 00:41:12,040
To be honest,
I think he'd been drinking again.
881
00:41:13,480 --> 00:41:14,840
- Oh, hello, Sandra.
- Hello.
882
00:41:14,920 --> 00:41:16,480
But you are a musher, right?
883
00:41:17,160 --> 00:41:18,536
- Yeah. I'm a musher.
- [Jack] Hiya.
884
00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:20,016
You're the big musher. Nice to meet you.
885
00:41:20,040 --> 00:41:21,360
- This is the big musher.
- Hello.
886
00:41:21,400 --> 00:41:25,160
Um, obviously she's not as big,
but, uh, we call you Big Musher.
887
00:41:25,240 --> 00:41:27,320
- Uh, Le Grand Musher in French.
- [laughs]
888
00:41:27,400 --> 00:41:28,920
[speaks French]
889
00:41:29,000 --> 00:41:31,520
- Yeah. That's French.
- That's French for something.
890
00:41:31,600 --> 00:41:35,120
Yeah. So, uh, I've not mushed before.
Um, but a fan of mushing.
891
00:41:35,200 --> 00:41:36,280
Uh, this is Jack.
892
00:41:36,360 --> 00:41:38,240
- [Jack] Yeah. But I've also…
- Enchanté, Jack.
893
00:41:38,320 --> 00:41:39,400
…yet to mush.
894
00:41:39,480 --> 00:41:42,000
"Enchanté, Jack" means,
"Enchanted to meet you".
895
00:41:42,080 --> 00:41:45,320
Oh, thank you very much. I didn't realise
I had a translator as well.
896
00:41:45,400 --> 00:41:47,200
Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I do a little bit.
897
00:41:47,280 --> 00:41:50,200
- [Jack] How long have you been a musher?
- [Sandra] Thirty six years.
898
00:41:50,280 --> 00:41:51,280
- Wow.
- Thirty six years.
899
00:41:51,360 --> 00:41:53,480
That's older than you, right?
How old are you, man?
900
00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:55,040
- Thirty five, yeah.
- Thirty five.
901
00:41:55,120 --> 00:41:58,400
So you were one year into your mushing
when Jack was… Yeah.
902
00:41:58,480 --> 00:42:01,280
He's very good at maths as well,
not just French.
903
00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:02,960
He's got so many talents.
904
00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:08,760
Are you going to just take us through all
the GCSE subjects in this conversation?
905
00:42:08,840 --> 00:42:10,040
Flex in each of them.
906
00:42:10,640 --> 00:42:12,536
- [Sandra] Yeah.
- [Jack] Those dogs have started crying
907
00:42:12,560 --> 00:42:14,560
cause they've realised
they're the ones taking Tom.
908
00:42:15,080 --> 00:42:18,760
Are they discussing it at the moment,
saying who's got the big guy?
909
00:42:18,840 --> 00:42:20,240
Yeah. Oh, please, not me.
910
00:42:20,320 --> 00:42:23,000
- Now I have to teach you how to mush.
- [Jack] Yeah.
911
00:42:23,080 --> 00:42:24,880
So this is the brake.
912
00:42:25,480 --> 00:42:28,680
If you stay on your sledge,
your best friend is the brake.
913
00:42:28,760 --> 00:42:30,960
It's when you drive your car.
914
00:42:31,040 --> 00:42:32,896
- I don't actually have a driver's licence.
- Neither do I.
915
00:42:32,920 --> 00:42:35,160
Some are born to drive,
others were born to be driven.
916
00:42:35,240 --> 00:42:36,696
We thought we were getting driven today.
917
00:42:36,720 --> 00:42:38,560
I did genuinely think
we were gonna get driven.
918
00:42:38,600 --> 00:42:41,800
The only thing I don't want to do
is have you passenger.
919
00:42:41,880 --> 00:42:43,896
- No, so we're gonna go…
- [Jack] Let's get mushing.
920
00:42:43,920 --> 00:42:45,920
- You understand everything?
- A bit of it.
921
00:42:46,000 --> 00:42:47,760
- Yeah? Really?
- How wrong can it go, right?
922
00:42:47,800 --> 00:42:49,800
[barking]
923
00:42:50,880 --> 00:42:52,200
[Sandra] Okay. Good?
924
00:42:52,960 --> 00:42:55,040
[Tom] They're ready to go.
They're getting spicy.
925
00:42:55,120 --> 00:42:56,600
I think they've seen a cat.
926
00:42:58,720 --> 00:43:00,520
[Sandra] Push on your brake, Tom, please.
927
00:43:00,600 --> 00:43:03,200
Hey! Push on your brake,
push on your brake.
928
00:43:04,560 --> 00:43:06,200
- [Tom] Fucking hell.
- [Jack laughing]
929
00:43:08,160 --> 00:43:09,160
[Jack] Tom!
930
00:43:09,840 --> 00:43:10,960
It's okay.
931
00:43:11,480 --> 00:43:13,360
Push on the brake. [laughs]
932
00:43:14,080 --> 00:43:16,040
You push on the brake. [laughs]
933
00:43:18,200 --> 00:43:21,320
Yeah, I'm all right.
Fuck me. This is insane.
934
00:43:22,120 --> 00:43:25,480
I've never seen anything like it.
We've got to take it seriously.
935
00:43:26,000 --> 00:43:27,840
[Tom] I actually went over
the fucking thing.
936
00:43:28,600 --> 00:43:30,200
- [Jack] Are you all right?
- Yeah, I am.
937
00:43:30,880 --> 00:43:32,760
[Jack] I thought
we'd lost you for a moment.
938
00:43:33,560 --> 00:43:34,600
- Tom?
- [Tom] Yeah.
939
00:43:34,680 --> 00:43:36,896
If you're planning on doing
another of those somersaults,
940
00:43:36,920 --> 00:43:38,880
can you let me know
so I can get my phone out?
941
00:43:43,240 --> 00:43:45,840
[Sandra] Tom. Come on, Jack. Tom.
942
00:43:45,920 --> 00:43:48,200
Let the brake go, let the brake go.
943
00:43:48,960 --> 00:43:51,120
And off we go. [whistles]
944
00:43:51,760 --> 00:43:52,920
Look at me.
945
00:43:55,680 --> 00:43:58,640
[Sandra] Brake, brake, brake.
Brake. Brake. Brake.
946
00:43:58,720 --> 00:44:00,120
[Jack] You're a natural.
947
00:44:01,560 --> 00:44:03,920
Ah! [cheers]
948
00:44:04,000 --> 00:44:07,240
I might not be able to drive,
but I can dog.
949
00:44:07,320 --> 00:44:09,920
D-Drive dogs. Not, you know…
You know what I mean.
950
00:44:10,800 --> 00:44:11,840
Hyah!
951
00:44:11,920 --> 00:44:13,520
Come on, lads.
952
00:44:13,600 --> 00:44:15,040
Oh, shit. [shrieking]
953
00:44:15,120 --> 00:44:20,560
"Meanwhile, the 6'6" ton of fun was having
an absolute shocker at the office.
954
00:44:20,640 --> 00:44:22,480
[Tom] Fucking hell.
They're going too quick.
955
00:44:22,560 --> 00:44:24,160
They're going too fucking quick.
956
00:44:24,920 --> 00:44:27,200
They're going…
I can't have six of these fucking things,
957
00:44:27,280 --> 00:44:28,360
it's insane.
958
00:44:28,440 --> 00:44:29,440
Fuck me.
959
00:44:29,520 --> 00:44:31,840
[Jack] You've just got to try
and be a bit more in control.
960
00:44:31,880 --> 00:44:35,640
What I did is I just had that there, and
then you're just feathering that as well.
961
00:44:35,720 --> 00:44:37,496
- Are you feathering that?
- You're feathering that.
962
00:44:37,520 --> 00:44:39,920
Since we've been here,
you've got real husky tendencies.
963
00:44:40,000 --> 00:44:41,320
- What?
- You've become like them.
964
00:44:41,360 --> 00:44:42,880
- Yeah, I have.
- You're a know-all.
965
00:44:42,960 --> 00:44:44,856
I'm not a know-all. I'm just trying
to give my friend some…
966
00:44:44,880 --> 00:44:46,416
You and Sandra,
yeah, I know, but all this…
967
00:44:46,440 --> 00:44:47,480
- …helpful advice.
- Wait,
968
00:44:47,560 --> 00:44:49,296
- I've never heard you say feathering.
- What?
969
00:44:49,320 --> 00:44:50,936
And now you're saying
about feathering stuff.
970
00:44:50,960 --> 00:44:52,736
They need to know
that you're the boss. Right?
971
00:44:52,760 --> 00:44:55,120
I think right now, you're the bitch.
972
00:44:55,200 --> 00:44:58,960
And you need to get in there,
and you need to show some authority.
973
00:44:59,040 --> 00:45:00,400
Win hearts and minds over.
974
00:45:00,480 --> 00:45:01,800
[Tom] Hey, guys.
975
00:45:01,880 --> 00:45:03,160
It's Tom from back there.
976
00:45:03,240 --> 00:45:04,720
I know what's going on here.
977
00:45:04,800 --> 00:45:06,680
You guys don't respect me.
978
00:45:07,280 --> 00:45:08,880
And I don't know if I like you.
979
00:45:09,480 --> 00:45:12,400
- You know… They're all sitting down.
- Tell them to get up.
980
00:45:12,480 --> 00:45:14,096
- Guys, can you get up?
- Stand to attention.
981
00:45:14,120 --> 00:45:15,480
A little bit of respect here.
982
00:45:16,320 --> 00:45:19,520
This is ridiculous. This just feels
very much like my marriage.
983
00:45:19,600 --> 00:45:21,440
- [laughs]
- [dogs barking]
984
00:45:22,080 --> 00:45:24,480
[Jack] Even though time
was running out for me,
985
00:45:24,560 --> 00:45:25,960
night was drawing in,
986
00:45:26,040 --> 00:45:28,760
so Tom and I decided to do
what the mushers do,
987
00:45:28,840 --> 00:45:30,720
pitch a tent, light a fire,
988
00:45:30,800 --> 00:45:33,000
and hunker down
for the night with our dogs.
989
00:45:34,160 --> 00:45:37,120
Yeah, I just can't imagine
you camping out.
990
00:45:37,200 --> 00:45:38,640
A tent, really?
991
00:45:38,720 --> 00:45:42,720
Yep. That is a bit of me.
I love the great outdoors.
992
00:45:42,800 --> 00:45:44,720
This is Brokeback Mountain vibes.
993
00:45:44,800 --> 00:45:46,600
No. It wasn't.
994
00:45:46,680 --> 00:45:49,240
It was more of a…
like a platonic Brokeback Mountain.
995
00:45:49,960 --> 00:45:54,800
With conversational intercourse
rather than actual intercourse.
996
00:45:54,880 --> 00:45:57,280
But the conversational intercourse was
very free-flowing.
997
00:45:57,360 --> 00:45:58,760
He's a wonderful man.
998
00:45:58,840 --> 00:46:00,120
Great company.
999
00:46:00,200 --> 00:46:01,760
And an amazing fuck.
1000
00:46:02,280 --> 00:46:03,520
- [laughs] Sorry.
- [chuckles]
1001
00:46:04,840 --> 00:46:06,000
[phone chiming]
1002
00:46:13,360 --> 00:46:16,640
Two old pals sat by a fire.
1003
00:46:16,720 --> 00:46:19,200
You should know
that the fire won't reach inside the tent.
1004
00:46:19,280 --> 00:46:20,880
You'll have to rely on me for your heat.
1005
00:46:20,960 --> 00:46:22,800
[sighs] I'm a lucky man.
1006
00:46:22,880 --> 00:46:24,840
[Tom] Are you looking forward
to Christmas?
1007
00:46:24,920 --> 00:46:26,096
[Jack] Yeah, I love Christmas.
1008
00:46:26,120 --> 00:46:28,080
[Tom] First one for you
as a father, right?
1009
00:46:28,160 --> 00:46:30,840
- Uh, second. Second.
- Second? But first… Yeah, yeah.
1010
00:46:30,920 --> 00:46:33,920
I'm thinking about with my daughter,
really making a big deal out of it.
1011
00:46:34,000 --> 00:46:36,840
So basically what I'd do is
I'd turn round and say,
1012
00:46:36,920 --> 00:46:38,280
on Christmas morning, going,
1013
00:46:38,360 --> 00:46:40,360
call the police
'cause someone's been in the house,
1014
00:46:40,440 --> 00:46:42,016
I'll leave big,
snowy footprints everywhere.
1015
00:46:42,040 --> 00:46:43,160
- Yeah?
- Right?
1016
00:46:43,240 --> 00:46:45,400
And then sort of eat
loads of fucking food,
1017
00:46:45,480 --> 00:46:47,560
smash up bits of the house and stuff.
1018
00:46:47,640 --> 00:46:51,120
And then on the Ring doorbell,
I'll dress up as Santa,
1019
00:46:51,200 --> 00:46:52,560
but I'll change my walk and stuff,
1020
00:46:52,640 --> 00:46:55,120
so there's clear evidence
that Santa does exist.
1021
00:46:55,200 --> 00:46:58,320
So, it's like a cross between,
like, Santa coming down
1022
00:46:58,400 --> 00:47:00,560
the chimney to deliver presents,
and a home invasion?
1023
00:47:00,640 --> 00:47:02,040
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
1024
00:47:02,120 --> 00:47:05,360
But then at least for me,
it's like, she's never gonna question it.
1025
00:47:05,440 --> 00:47:07,440
What, so if you make it quite traumatic?
1026
00:47:07,960 --> 00:47:10,200
- Not traumatic, but…
- It sounds pretty traumatic.
1027
00:47:10,280 --> 00:47:12,456
- Yeah, but if there's evidence.
- There's like a broken window.
1028
00:47:12,480 --> 00:47:15,040
And if she hears me going,
"Get a baseball bat. Get a bat!
1029
00:47:15,120 --> 00:47:16,120
Someone's in the house."
1030
00:47:16,200 --> 00:47:17,720
"Ho, ho, ho."
1031
00:47:17,800 --> 00:47:20,520
And then tell her in a couple
of years' time,
1032
00:47:20,600 --> 00:47:21,600
- you know…
- Yeah, yeah.
1033
00:47:21,680 --> 00:47:23,880
…you survived that,
but that's how we lost your brother.
1034
00:47:23,920 --> 00:47:25,440
[laughing]
1035
00:47:27,320 --> 00:47:30,920
Yeah, I mean, that's sort of taken
more of a sinister turn, to be honest.
1036
00:47:31,000 --> 00:47:33,040
Santa Claus.
At one point it was just a burglary,
1037
00:47:33,120 --> 00:47:34,680
- now it sounds like it's… Yeah.
- Yeah.
1038
00:47:34,720 --> 00:47:36,320
- It's more like Taken.
- Yeah.
1039
00:47:38,320 --> 00:47:39,400
Oh, look, they're just…
1040
00:47:39,480 --> 00:47:40,480
Yep.
1041
00:47:40,560 --> 00:47:42,840
Sniffing each other's arseholes.
1042
00:47:42,920 --> 00:47:45,720
Yeah, if we're lucky, we'll get
to watch two huskies make love.
1043
00:47:45,800 --> 00:47:48,840
Or two huskies may get
to watch us make love.
1044
00:47:49,760 --> 00:47:51,560
- Oh, wow.
- Oh. [laughs]
1045
00:47:52,120 --> 00:47:54,040
- Can someone film this?
- Welcome to the show.
1046
00:47:55,080 --> 00:47:56,360
Did you do this as a kid?
1047
00:47:56,960 --> 00:47:57,960
What? [stammers]
1048
00:47:58,000 --> 00:47:59,000
[laughs]
1049
00:47:59,080 --> 00:48:00,280
Camping out.
1050
00:48:00,360 --> 00:48:02,360
- Go on.
- I was going to say.
1051
00:48:02,440 --> 00:48:06,320
I had quite a gregarious scout leader
who used to take me into the woods.
1052
00:48:06,400 --> 00:48:10,320
We'd make a fire and he'd bring
his old Alsatian Lucky.
1053
00:48:12,400 --> 00:48:15,240
We went camping once,
to Salcombe in Devon.
1054
00:48:15,320 --> 00:48:16,440
I can't imagine Michael…
1055
00:48:16,520 --> 00:48:18,480
No, well, he didn't. We went as a family.
1056
00:48:18,560 --> 00:48:23,160
He drove on to the campsite, he took
one look at the bathroom facilities…
1057
00:48:23,240 --> 00:48:26,040
- Yeah.
- …got back into the car, left us there,
1058
00:48:26,120 --> 00:48:28,040
and then checked into
a B & B down the road.
1059
00:48:28,120 --> 00:48:29,680
- Wow. Hilary stuck it out though?
- So…
1060
00:48:29,720 --> 00:48:31,160
She stuck it out, yeah, yeah.
1061
00:48:31,240 --> 00:48:33,680
She said it was the best holiday
'cause he was down the road.
1062
00:48:34,560 --> 00:48:37,720
This, for me, I'd much rather be
in a sauna in a hotel,
1063
00:48:38,240 --> 00:48:40,400
cracking the top off
a couple of smooth ones.
1064
00:48:41,640 --> 00:48:44,560
No, I'm all about this.
Right, shall we call it a night?
1065
00:48:44,640 --> 00:48:46,160
[Tom] Yeah, come on. Jump in.
1066
00:48:47,720 --> 00:48:49,160
[Jack groaning]
1067
00:48:50,960 --> 00:48:52,440
[Tom] That's it, elegant as ever.
1068
00:48:52,520 --> 00:48:53,520
[Jack] Oh, yeah.
1069
00:48:54,880 --> 00:48:55,880
[Tom] Here he comes.
1070
00:48:55,960 --> 00:48:57,320
[Jack] Here he comes.
1071
00:48:59,840 --> 00:49:01,520
[Tom] Oh, she's a nice one.
1072
00:49:03,160 --> 00:49:07,280
Are you taking off your salopettes?
You're not sleeping naked in here, Tom.
1073
00:49:07,360 --> 00:49:08,800
- [Tom] I have to.
- You… [chuckles]
1074
00:49:08,880 --> 00:49:11,456
- It gets so hot in these sleeping bags.
- [Jack] It's gonna get freezing.
1075
00:49:11,480 --> 00:49:13,840
Jack, I have to sleep naked.
I sleep naked at home.
1076
00:49:13,920 --> 00:49:16,360
[Jack] I don't want
your big arse rubbing up
1077
00:49:16,440 --> 00:49:18,440
against my back
in the middle of the night.
1078
00:49:18,520 --> 00:49:20,976
[Tom] Well, then you should have brought
your own fucking sleeping bag.
1079
00:49:21,000 --> 00:49:22,000
[Jack groans]
1080
00:49:23,640 --> 00:49:25,760
The other thing I'd say
about Tom Davis is…
1081
00:49:25,840 --> 00:49:28,400
- Mmm?
- …quite a restless sleeper.
1082
00:49:28,480 --> 00:49:29,800
- Oh, really?
- Oh, yeah.
1083
00:49:29,880 --> 00:49:31,600
At one point he had a nightmare.
1084
00:49:31,680 --> 00:49:33,200
I feared for my life.
1085
00:49:33,800 --> 00:49:35,960
Did you ever see that scene
in The Revenant
1086
00:49:36,040 --> 00:49:38,680
where Leonardo DiCaprio fights the bear?
1087
00:49:38,760 --> 00:49:40,120
- Imagine that…
- Right.
1088
00:49:40,200 --> 00:49:41,880
…but they're both
in the same sleeping bag.
1089
00:49:41,920 --> 00:49:43,240
- Fucking hell.
- Yeah.
1090
00:49:43,320 --> 00:49:46,360
Do you know, my brother used to get those
when he was a teenager,
1091
00:49:46,440 --> 00:49:48,120
and he used to wake up screaming,
1092
00:49:48,200 --> 00:49:51,280
looking at a poster
of Melinda Messenger on his wall.
1093
00:49:52,400 --> 00:49:53,400
Really?
1094
00:49:53,920 --> 00:49:56,360
And he used to, uh,
walk onto the, uh, landing
1095
00:49:56,440 --> 00:49:57,920
and piss through the bannisters.
1096
00:49:58,000 --> 00:49:59,200
[chuckles]
1097
00:50:00,440 --> 00:50:05,040
Wow. Well, I'm glad that it didn't trigger
the same reaction in Tom,
1098
00:50:05,120 --> 00:50:07,520
because that would not have been nice
in the sleeping bag.
1099
00:50:07,600 --> 00:50:09,960
- [laughs]
- So, where was I?
1100
00:50:16,560 --> 00:50:20,640
As the sun rose on Christmas Eve,
I was so close to home, I could taste it.
1101
00:50:20,720 --> 00:50:23,720
This husky race,
known as La Grande Odyssée,
1102
00:50:23,800 --> 00:50:28,520
which is French for The Big Odyssey,
started soon.
1103
00:50:28,600 --> 00:50:30,760
And the first leg ended
near a train station
1104
00:50:30,840 --> 00:50:33,400
- where I could catch a train to London.
- [train whistle blows]
1105
00:50:33,480 --> 00:50:36,720
But after Tom's fall, we had to think
about what we were gonna do with him.
1106
00:50:36,800 --> 00:50:38,080
[bell tolls]
1107
00:50:38,760 --> 00:50:41,240
Oh, God, you didn't bury him
in the snow, did you?
1108
00:50:41,320 --> 00:50:43,400
- What?
- You know, hide the evidence.
1109
00:50:43,480 --> 00:50:45,800
- No. He didn't...
- You didn't cut off bits of his flesh
1110
00:50:45,880 --> 00:50:46,880
for sustenance?
1111
00:50:46,960 --> 00:50:48,520
No, he didn't die. He just...
1112
00:50:48,600 --> 00:50:49,920
Oh, right, right, right. Yeah.
1113
00:50:50,000 --> 00:50:51,760
I didn't bury him in the woods.
1114
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:56,280
No. We decided that it would be better
the following day, during the race,
1115
00:50:56,360 --> 00:50:58,840
for him to sit on the sleigh
instead of stand on it,
1116
00:50:58,920 --> 00:51:00,480
- because he was injured.
- Oh.
1117
00:51:00,560 --> 00:51:01,840
This is a tight fit.
1118
00:51:01,920 --> 00:51:03,600
You look like ET.
1119
00:51:11,120 --> 00:51:15,120
Mushers Tom Davis and Jack Whitehall!
1120
00:51:15,200 --> 00:51:16,760
[crowd cheering]
1121
00:51:17,680 --> 00:51:20,200
Yeah! Allez, allez, allez!
1122
00:51:21,200 --> 00:51:24,000
Vive la France!
1123
00:51:24,080 --> 00:51:28,800
[announcer] Three, two, one, go!
1124
00:51:28,880 --> 00:51:31,400
- Yeah! Yeah!
- [Tom] Go, Jack!
1125
00:51:33,880 --> 00:51:35,560
Yeah!
1126
00:51:35,640 --> 00:51:36,680
Yes!
1127
00:51:36,760 --> 00:51:38,320
[both cheering]
1128
00:51:42,520 --> 00:51:44,360
[Jack groans] Ow!
1129
00:51:44,440 --> 00:51:45,480
Fuck.
1130
00:51:46,200 --> 00:51:47,440
Bollocks.
1131
00:51:47,520 --> 00:51:48,560
[musher] Are you okay?
1132
00:51:48,640 --> 00:51:51,560
Yeah, good. I mean, this is more
my kind of thing, if I'm honest.
1133
00:51:51,640 --> 00:51:52,800
[Jack] Hurry up, Tom.
1134
00:51:53,800 --> 00:51:57,240
Tom might have been able to put up
his gigantic size 18 feet,
1135
00:51:57,320 --> 00:51:59,160
but I could not miss that train.
1136
00:51:59,240 --> 00:52:02,560
So I was mushing harder
than anyone had ever mushed before.
1137
00:52:02,640 --> 00:52:04,800
This is like
a fucking fever dream, isn't it?
1138
00:52:04,880 --> 00:52:06,880
Yeah, it's quite strange.
1139
00:52:06,960 --> 00:52:08,960
[Tom] The dogs don't stop farting.
1140
00:52:09,040 --> 00:52:10,040
Disgusting.
1141
00:52:11,880 --> 00:52:14,016
I thought I was gonna be like
the snow queen from Narnia.
1142
00:52:14,040 --> 00:52:16,160
Now I feel like a big fucking
bit of toilet paper.
1143
00:52:16,240 --> 00:52:17,600
- [burps]
- [Jack] Oi!
1144
00:52:18,800 --> 00:52:21,120
Come on. [exclaiming]
1145
00:52:21,200 --> 00:52:23,120
[Tom] Whitehall, what are you doing?
1146
00:52:23,200 --> 00:52:24,896
- [Jack] You trying to over...
- I'm over here, mate.
1147
00:52:24,920 --> 00:52:26,640
This is not a stag do, Tom.
1148
00:52:27,840 --> 00:52:29,560
This is après-mushing.
1149
00:52:30,280 --> 00:52:33,240
It's not après-mushing
if it's not afterwards.
1150
00:52:33,320 --> 00:52:35,256
- [Tom] What do you mean?
- "Après" means "after".
1151
00:52:35,280 --> 00:52:37,040
[grunting]
1152
00:52:37,120 --> 00:52:40,120
Sadly the time had come for me
to say goodbye to Tom.
1153
00:52:40,200 --> 00:52:41,960
Whilst he was heading to the finish line
1154
00:52:42,040 --> 00:52:45,000
with a pack of flatulent dogs
who clearly despised him,
1155
00:52:45,080 --> 00:52:46,360
I had a train to catch.
1156
00:52:47,040 --> 00:52:48,280
[Tom] Well, big man.
1157
00:52:48,880 --> 00:52:50,240
It's been a real joy man.
1158
00:52:50,320 --> 00:52:52,040
- [Jack] This is it.
- Did you enjoy it?
1159
00:52:52,120 --> 00:52:54,920
So basically the train station
is that way.
1160
00:52:55,000 --> 00:52:57,480
Uh… Keep following the snow and the trees.
1161
00:52:57,560 --> 00:53:00,480
When you come out of the Forest of Hope,
just keep going,
1162
00:53:00,560 --> 00:53:03,176
- and then you'll see the train station.
- Great. And I can park that…
1163
00:53:03,200 --> 00:53:04,696
Yeah, just leave it there. It'll be fine.
1164
00:53:04,720 --> 00:53:06,896
The huskies will find their way back
through the forest.
1165
00:53:06,920 --> 00:53:08,320
It's been really good catching up.
1166
00:53:08,400 --> 00:53:11,520
And you know what, I feel like
I've got a new chapter for my memoir.
1167
00:53:11,600 --> 00:53:13,680
- Jack! Good luck.
- Bye. Bye!
1168
00:53:13,760 --> 00:53:15,400
- Au revoir, Jack. Au revoir.
- Okay. Bye.
1169
00:53:16,080 --> 00:53:17,240
See you soon.
1170
00:53:19,560 --> 00:53:22,160
- [Jack] Nearly there.
- [driver] Did they ever find Tom's body?
1171
00:53:22,240 --> 00:53:23,320
I didn't kill him.
1172
00:53:23,400 --> 00:53:24,920
That's what they all say.
1173
00:53:25,520 --> 00:53:27,120
I said goodbye to Tom.
1174
00:53:27,200 --> 00:53:29,400
- That's the end of Tom, okay? And then…
- [scoffs]
1175
00:53:29,480 --> 00:53:30,840
No, not the end. Not like that.
1176
00:53:30,920 --> 00:53:33,000
Why? Don't make that noise.
1177
00:53:33,080 --> 00:53:34,320
As in I said goodbye to him
1178
00:53:34,400 --> 00:53:36,416
- and it was the end of my time with Tom.
- Oh, yeah.
1179
00:53:36,440 --> 00:53:37,640
Not the end of Tom.
1180
00:53:37,720 --> 00:53:42,080
I left Tom and headed to the train station
to catch a ride home.
1181
00:53:42,160 --> 00:53:44,040
- [whistle blows]
- [announcer shouts]
1182
00:53:45,800 --> 00:53:48,520
[Jack] Unfortunately the train to London
was sold out.
1183
00:53:48,600 --> 00:53:51,360
But I wasn't gonna let
a stumbling block like that stop me.
1184
00:53:51,440 --> 00:53:52,920
I snuck on board where I found
1185
00:53:53,000 --> 00:53:55,920
a temptingly unattended
train guard's uniform.
1186
00:53:56,480 --> 00:53:58,560
- Oh, that's, um…
- Convenient?
1187
00:53:58,640 --> 00:54:00,520
Yeah, convenient. Yeah, that's the word.
1188
00:54:00,600 --> 00:54:01,600
Indeed.
1189
00:54:01,680 --> 00:54:05,800
[Jack] Time really was running out now.
My partner was at her wit's end.
1190
00:54:05,880 --> 00:54:09,520
The house was filling with guests.
If I was gonna save Christmas,
1191
00:54:09,600 --> 00:54:13,520
I'd need to use my powers of deception
and masterful improv skills.
1192
00:54:13,600 --> 00:54:16,240
What time is this train due
to arrive in London?
1193
00:54:16,320 --> 00:54:17,960
- I don't know.
- Oh.
1194
00:54:18,480 --> 00:54:21,040
- [passenger] Uh, s'il vous plaît?
- [Jack] Oui, oui. Merci.
1195
00:54:22,440 --> 00:54:23,840
Oh. Rebel Wilson.
1196
00:54:23,920 --> 00:54:25,280
- Yeah.
- Big fan.
1197
00:54:25,360 --> 00:54:27,680
Oh, thanks, yeah. Yeah, cool. Um…
1198
00:54:27,760 --> 00:54:29,760
Would you be able to help me
put that in there?
1199
00:54:29,840 --> 00:54:32,640
- Uh… Yeah, sure.
- [sighs] Thank you. Thank you so much.
1200
00:54:32,720 --> 00:54:34,160
[Jack] Oh, my God. That's heavy.
1201
00:54:36,480 --> 00:54:38,320
Jesus Christ, what have you got in there?
1202
00:54:38,400 --> 00:54:41,120
Wine. I went mad at the duty-free.
[chuckling]
1203
00:54:41,200 --> 00:54:42,720
Like, just, you know,
1204
00:54:42,800 --> 00:54:44,720
when you gotta meet
the family for Christmas…
1205
00:54:44,800 --> 00:54:47,360
- [imitating gulping]
- [grunting]
1206
00:54:48,560 --> 00:54:50,520
- [exhales]
- Use your core strength.
1207
00:54:50,600 --> 00:54:51,960
Okay. Thank you.
1208
00:54:52,560 --> 00:54:54,440
- [grunting]
- Come on, Big Dan.
1209
00:54:54,960 --> 00:54:57,520
You can do it. You can do it. Yes.
1210
00:55:01,040 --> 00:55:03,320
- [sighs]
- Could I get a tea, please?
1211
00:55:04,000 --> 00:55:05,880
- What?
- Could I have a tea, please?
1212
00:55:05,960 --> 00:55:07,200
Oh, no, sorry.
1213
00:55:07,280 --> 00:55:09,320
I… I don't actually work here.
1214
00:55:10,240 --> 00:55:12,480
- What?
- Just keep this on the DL,
1215
00:55:12,560 --> 00:55:15,160
but, uh, I'm actually one of your clan.
1216
00:55:15,760 --> 00:55:17,600
You're an Aussie?
1217
00:55:17,680 --> 00:55:19,040
What? No. [chuckles]
1218
00:55:19,120 --> 00:55:22,200
[Australian accent] Of course not, mate.
I'm not a bloody Aussie, yeah.
1219
00:55:22,280 --> 00:55:27,720
Get a couple of cold ones and go down
and footy with some sheilas, yeah.
1220
00:55:27,800 --> 00:55:30,360
- That's very culturally insensitive.
- [normal voice] Okay.
1221
00:55:30,440 --> 00:55:33,600
I meant that I am an actor.
1222
00:55:34,280 --> 00:55:37,120
Oh! [chuckles] Yeah, of course.
1223
00:55:37,200 --> 00:55:39,616
You're an out-of-work actor
who works part-time on the trains.
1224
00:55:39,640 --> 00:55:40,960
- What?
- Yeah.
1225
00:55:41,040 --> 00:55:42,520
Let me give you some advice.
1226
00:55:42,600 --> 00:55:44,120
Maybe stick to the train job.
1227
00:55:44,200 --> 00:55:47,400
Acting is only for certain people
who are like really intelligent,
1228
00:55:47,480 --> 00:55:49,160
and that have the face for it.
1229
00:55:50,200 --> 00:55:51,640
So it's easier
1230
00:55:51,720 --> 00:55:55,320
if you just give up on your dreams
before they give up on you.
1231
00:55:55,400 --> 00:55:56,640
I don't work on the train.
1232
00:55:56,720 --> 00:55:58,320
- No.
- [gasps] Are you a stowaway?
1233
00:55:58,400 --> 00:56:00,280
- Should I call security? Security?
- No, no.
1234
00:56:00,360 --> 00:56:01,720
- Security!
- No. [shushes] Okay.
1235
00:56:01,800 --> 00:56:02,960
Right. No, you were right.
1236
00:56:03,040 --> 00:56:05,080
I was mistaken. I do work for the train.
1237
00:56:05,720 --> 00:56:07,760
So what was it? Uh, tea?
1238
00:56:07,840 --> 00:56:11,120
Yeah. Just, um, a tea, please, Ranjit.
1239
00:56:12,360 --> 00:56:14,720
- Oh. Sorry. Yes.
- That's a really unusual name.
1240
00:56:15,960 --> 00:56:17,320
You're called Rebel.
1241
00:56:19,560 --> 00:56:21,840
- Is my tea coming? Yeah.
- Yeah. Of course.
1242
00:56:22,360 --> 00:56:24,080
Okay. Thanks, Ranj.
1243
00:56:30,840 --> 00:56:33,080
- May I?
- Yeah, I'll be with you in a sec.
1244
00:56:33,720 --> 00:56:35,120
- Monsieur?
- No.
1245
00:56:37,720 --> 00:56:39,080
Your tea.
1246
00:56:40,520 --> 00:56:42,640
[exclaims] That's so hot.
1247
00:56:42,720 --> 00:56:43,960
- Okay, well…
- [exclaims]
1248
00:56:44,040 --> 00:56:46,440
- Well, if you wait a minute it won't be.
- [exclaims]
1249
00:56:46,520 --> 00:56:47,400
Stop doing that.
1250
00:56:47,480 --> 00:56:49,160
[shrieks] That's even worse.
1251
00:56:49,240 --> 00:56:51,400
[exclaiming]
1252
00:56:51,480 --> 00:56:52,880
All right. Blow on it?
1253
00:56:52,960 --> 00:56:54,600
You can't say that to a woman anymore.
1254
00:56:54,680 --> 00:56:55,880
What? No.
1255
00:56:55,960 --> 00:56:57,960
Look, I'll just…
I'll just take another one.
1256
00:56:58,040 --> 00:56:59,440
This was all wrong. [scoffs]
1257
00:56:59,520 --> 00:57:01,240
You want me to make you
another… Identical?
1258
00:57:01,320 --> 00:57:03,176
I'll just take a bottle of water
as well, please.
1259
00:57:03,200 --> 00:57:04,600
- Okay.
- Yeah.
1260
00:57:04,680 --> 00:57:05,840
Thank you.
1261
00:57:05,920 --> 00:57:07,080
Still or sparkling?
1262
00:57:07,960 --> 00:57:08,960
Still.
1263
00:57:10,160 --> 00:57:11,480
- Excuse me?
- Yeah.
1264
00:57:11,560 --> 00:57:13,920
Can I have this sandwich, please?
1265
00:57:14,000 --> 00:57:15,560
Right. Okay.
1266
00:57:15,640 --> 00:57:16,640
Oh.
1267
00:57:19,320 --> 00:57:20,920
- Oh, great.
- Oh, that's not actually…
1268
00:57:21,000 --> 00:57:22,880
And I'll just need some ice.
1269
00:57:24,280 --> 00:57:25,960
You couldn't have told me that before?
1270
00:57:27,480 --> 00:57:29,080
Okay. Some ice.
1271
00:57:29,640 --> 00:57:32,240
- [muttering] Tea's too hot. Tea's too hot.
- S'il vous plaît?
1272
00:57:33,240 --> 00:57:35,160
[in French]
A glass of Côtes De Provence, please.
1273
00:57:35,720 --> 00:57:36,880
- [in English] Okay.
- Merci.
1274
00:57:38,880 --> 00:57:39,960
[Jack sighs]
1275
00:57:42,720 --> 00:57:44,920
- Sandwich.
- Yes, yes, yes.
1276
00:57:53,600 --> 00:57:56,960
Re the food situation,
I think I'll order the cheese board.
1277
00:57:57,040 --> 00:57:59,360
Just I don't do dairy.
1278
00:57:59,440 --> 00:58:01,520
So what, you just want the board?
1279
00:58:01,600 --> 00:58:04,080
Well, it says it comes with some crackers.
1280
00:58:04,160 --> 00:58:05,960
Right. So you'd like some crackers.
1281
00:58:06,040 --> 00:58:07,840
- Yeah, I'm not really that hungry.
- Okay.
1282
00:58:08,680 --> 00:58:10,400
- That's all you want? 100%?
- Mm-hmm.
1283
00:58:11,320 --> 00:58:12,920
You've perused the rest of the menu?
1284
00:58:13,000 --> 00:58:14,680
There's some lovely stuff on here.
1285
00:58:15,280 --> 00:58:16,520
Lots of entrées and…
1286
00:58:16,600 --> 00:58:17,880
- Doesn't interest me.
- No?
1287
00:58:17,960 --> 00:58:20,040
- You just want crackers?
- Yeah.
1288
00:58:22,360 --> 00:58:23,400
[fingers snapping]
1289
00:58:24,480 --> 00:58:27,120
[in French] I didn't ask for a red.
Côtes De Provence.
1290
00:58:27,200 --> 00:58:28,240
[in English] Okay.
1291
00:58:28,320 --> 00:58:29,600
Merci.
1292
00:58:32,840 --> 00:58:33,920
[Jack] Bon appétit.
1293
00:58:34,000 --> 00:58:35,040
Thank you.
1294
00:58:41,160 --> 00:58:42,840
There we are.
1295
00:58:42,920 --> 00:58:44,400
All the crackers.
1296
00:58:45,200 --> 00:58:46,960
Actually, I changed my mind.
1297
00:58:47,040 --> 00:58:49,880
I think I'm gonna go
for the full Christmas dinner.
1298
00:58:50,480 --> 00:58:53,040
That feels like a real pivot
from crackers.
1299
00:58:53,760 --> 00:58:56,480
Ah, I think I see the guard
in the other carriage.
1300
00:58:56,560 --> 00:58:58,160
Ranjit, is that you?
1301
00:58:58,240 --> 00:58:59,760
Okay, I'm going.
1302
00:58:59,840 --> 00:59:00,960
Christmas dinner.
1303
00:59:04,600 --> 00:59:06,760
This is the wrong sandwich.
1304
00:59:06,840 --> 00:59:08,360
I ordered a vegetarian.
1305
00:59:08,440 --> 00:59:10,080
This one's got ham in it.
1306
00:59:14,800 --> 00:59:18,360
Uh, s'il vous plaît?
Côtes De Provence. Rosé?
1307
00:59:24,720 --> 00:59:25,720
[Jack] There we are.
1308
00:59:26,320 --> 00:59:27,440
Rosé.
1309
00:59:27,520 --> 00:59:28,720
Salut.
1310
00:59:30,680 --> 00:59:31,960
One Christmas dinner.
1311
00:59:33,920 --> 00:59:35,400
What is this?
1312
00:59:35,480 --> 00:59:37,160
[breathes deeply]
1313
00:59:37,240 --> 00:59:41,480
That is a Christmas dinner with turkey,
gravy, all of the trimmings.
1314
00:59:42,000 --> 00:59:46,040
No, but I'm Australian, so I clearly meant
an Australian Christmas dinner.
1315
00:59:46,120 --> 00:59:48,960
Right. At this point,
what would happen if I said no?
1316
00:59:49,800 --> 00:59:53,320
You know what, I was just thinking about
what goes on in French prisons.
1317
00:59:53,400 --> 00:59:55,880
And the men, when they do a poop,
1318
00:59:55,960 --> 00:59:59,400
they just have to do it
in a hole in the ground
1319
00:59:59,480 --> 01:00:02,080
while their cellmate,
who's a serial killer, watches.
1320
01:00:02,920 --> 01:00:05,440
And then you're there,
trying to squeeze one out,
1321
01:00:05,520 --> 01:00:07,720
and the serial killer's
just looking at you,
1322
01:00:08,440 --> 01:00:10,160
staring right up your arsehole.
1323
01:00:11,080 --> 01:00:12,320
Fuck my life.
1324
01:00:12,920 --> 01:00:15,120
- [objects clattering]
- [Jack groaning] Fuck.
1325
01:00:16,080 --> 01:00:17,320
How does that even…
1326
01:00:17,400 --> 01:00:18,800
Where am I meant to find coal?
1327
01:00:18,880 --> 01:00:20,880
[smoke alarm blaring]
1328
01:00:21,720 --> 01:00:23,960
[Jack coughing]
1329
01:00:24,800 --> 01:00:26,640
Are these snags to Madam's liking?
1330
01:00:26,720 --> 01:00:28,840
- [coughing]
- [Rebel] Uh, I guess they'll do.
1331
01:00:28,920 --> 01:00:32,240
[announcer] We will be shortly arriving
at London St Pancras.
1332
01:00:32,320 --> 01:00:33,960
Please be ready to disembark.
1333
01:00:34,040 --> 01:00:35,320
Thank God for that.
1334
01:00:35,400 --> 01:00:37,920
Would you mind fetching my big suitcase
from down there,
1335
01:00:38,000 --> 01:00:39,840
and then just helping me down
with that one?
1336
01:00:41,040 --> 01:00:42,160
I'd love to.
1337
01:00:51,920 --> 01:00:53,040
[suitcase thuds]
1338
01:01:06,360 --> 01:01:08,120
- [zipper opens]
- [sighs]
1339
01:01:09,240 --> 01:01:13,120
[trickling]
1340
01:01:13,200 --> 01:01:14,880
Are you okay, hon?
1341
01:01:16,080 --> 01:01:17,080
[zipper closes]
1342
01:01:17,160 --> 01:01:18,720
I got my bags myself.
1343
01:01:20,720 --> 01:01:22,120
What? Then…
1344
01:01:23,400 --> 01:01:25,800
[gasps, groans]
1345
01:01:27,280 --> 01:01:29,960
If anyone asks, my name is Ranjit.
1346
01:01:32,760 --> 01:01:34,360
[bell tolls]
1347
01:01:39,160 --> 01:01:40,640
This is me. Just up here, mate.
1348
01:01:43,400 --> 01:01:44,920
Okay. I can't stop.
1349
01:01:45,000 --> 01:01:46,280
What do you mean you can't stop?
1350
01:01:46,320 --> 01:01:50,120
[driver] I'm gonna have to go round,
up by the Nando's.
1351
01:01:53,520 --> 01:01:55,136
We can literally just pull up over there.
1352
01:01:55,160 --> 01:01:57,056
- There's an ATM by the Nando's.
- [horns honking]
1353
01:01:57,080 --> 01:01:58,240
All right, mate!
1354
01:01:58,320 --> 01:01:59,600
Okay.
1355
01:02:01,040 --> 01:02:03,240
We are literally driving away
from my house now.
1356
01:02:04,160 --> 01:02:05,360
It's just, I've literally
1357
01:02:05,440 --> 01:02:10,160
had such an epic journey
to get back here in time for Christmas.
1358
01:02:10,240 --> 01:02:11,840
It would be such a shame to miss it now,
1359
01:02:11,880 --> 01:02:13,776
'cause we're driving around
trying to find an ATM.
1360
01:02:13,800 --> 01:02:16,640
- Yeah. 'Cause I do only take cash.
- I'd love to...
1361
01:02:16,720 --> 01:02:18,440
It says "Contactless payments accepted."
1362
01:02:18,520 --> 01:02:21,720
Right there on the window and on the door.
1363
01:02:22,800 --> 01:02:24,200
Just stop the car.
1364
01:02:24,280 --> 01:02:25,896
- Take everything that I've got.
- [bell tolling]
1365
01:02:25,920 --> 01:02:27,200
I-I need to get out.
1366
01:02:36,920 --> 01:02:37,920
Thanks!
1367
01:02:38,560 --> 01:02:40,200
God, he went on a bit, didn't he?
1368
01:02:44,800 --> 01:02:46,720
Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me.
1369
01:02:47,600 --> 01:02:49,120
[patron] Merry Christmas.
1370
01:02:58,200 --> 01:03:00,240
- [tyres screech]
- [horn honks]
1371
01:03:00,320 --> 01:03:01,520
Sorry.
1372
01:03:22,320 --> 01:03:23,520
[knocks on door]
1373
01:03:26,240 --> 01:03:28,280
- Merry Christmas! [sighs]
- [alarm beeping]
1374
01:03:28,360 --> 01:03:30,160
I can't believe I made it back in time.
1375
01:03:30,240 --> 01:03:32,200
In time? It's midnight.
1376
01:03:32,280 --> 01:03:34,800
Right. This is gonna sound
a little bit farfetched,
1377
01:03:34,880 --> 01:03:36,960
but my driver cancelled in New York.
1378
01:03:37,040 --> 01:03:39,456
So Jimmy Fallon said that he
could give me a lift to the airport.
1379
01:03:39,480 --> 01:03:41,160
Only it turned out it was Seattle Airport,
1380
01:03:41,200 --> 01:03:42,896
which was fine,
because Michael Bublé was there,
1381
01:03:42,920 --> 01:03:44,456
and we got to hang out and go ice skating.
1382
01:03:44,480 --> 01:03:46,880
He even offered to sing from the closet
while we made love,
1383
01:03:46,960 --> 01:03:50,320
which is definitely an offer that I think
we should take him up on. Or not.
1384
01:03:50,400 --> 01:03:52,720
Then I bummed a lift
with Dave Bautista on his private jet.
1385
01:03:52,760 --> 01:03:55,160
Lovely man but possibly has
some anger management issues.
1386
01:03:55,240 --> 01:03:57,480
I landed in Zurich,
took a picturesque Alpine train,
1387
01:03:57,560 --> 01:03:59,216
bobsledded down
to the bottom of the mountain,
1388
01:03:59,240 --> 01:04:01,560
met up with Tom Davis,
nearly killed him in a husky race.
1389
01:04:01,640 --> 01:04:02,960
Popped onto the Eurostar,
1390
01:04:03,040 --> 01:04:05,280
somehow wound up becoming
Rebel Wilson's manservant,
1391
01:04:05,360 --> 01:04:06,760
and then got in a cab here.
1392
01:04:07,720 --> 01:04:09,800
That is the worst excuse I've ever heard.
1393
01:04:10,760 --> 01:04:14,120
But you're here now and just in time
for dinner with my auntie Mo.
1394
01:04:14,200 --> 01:04:15,400
Auntie Mo?
1395
01:04:19,280 --> 01:04:20,600
You!
1396
01:04:20,680 --> 01:04:21,760
Merry Christmas.
1397
01:04:22,280 --> 01:04:24,320
You cocksucker.
1397
01:04:25,305 --> 01:05:25,299
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