1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Share if u like this apps
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2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
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3
00:00:20,984 --> 00:00:23,979
[action movie theme plays]

4
00:00:26,858 --> 00:00:29,420
<i> ♪ Astro Blaster! ♪</i>

5
00:00:29,455 --> 00:00:32,262
<i> ♪ And the Beavermen, aah ♪</i>

6
00:00:32,297 --> 00:00:34,195
[radio DJ]<i> McCreary</i>
<i> with the song of the summer,</i>

7
00:00:34,231 --> 00:00:36,165
<i> "Astro Blaster</i>
<i> and the Beavermen."</i>

8
00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:37,867
<i> Still playing</i>
<i> at a theater near you.</i>

9
00:00:37,902 --> 00:00:39,863
<i>Not seeing</i> Poltergeist 2,<i> man.</i>

10
00:00:39,899 --> 00:00:42,337
<i> That creepy old preacher guy</i>
<i> looks like my stepmom.</i>

11
00:00:42,372 --> 00:00:44,933
<i> Sunday morning,</i>
<i> Whispering Woody on Z-100.</i>

12
00:00:44,969 --> 00:00:46,809
<i> Here all day.</i>
<i> Can't do Hands Across America,</i>

13
00:00:46,844 --> 00:00:48,308
<i> but that does not mean</i>

14
00:00:48,344 --> 00:00:49,648
<i> that I can't hand you</i>
<i> two tickets</i>

15
00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:51,345
<i> to see Major Murder defend</i>

16
00:00:51,381 --> 00:00:53,614
<i> his intercontinental</i>
<i> championship title.</i>

17
00:00:53,649 --> 00:00:55,379
<i> Worldwide wrestling coming</i>
<i> to the Brendan Byrne Arena</i>

18
00:00:55,415 --> 00:00:56,819
-<i> in New Jersey.</i>
- [bell dings]

19
00:00:56,854 --> 00:00:58,551
<i> The 100th caller wins.</i>

20
00:00:58,587 --> 00:00:59,990
[singers]<i> ♪ Rocking</i>
<i> at the speed of light ♪</i>

21
00:01:00,025 --> 00:01:03,862
<i> ♪ The hot rockin' Z! Z-100! ♪</i>

22
00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:08,661
["I Can't Wait"
by Nu Shooz playing]

23
00:01:18,204 --> 00:01:19,840
[line ringing]

24
00:01:19,876 --> 00:01:21,707
[phone rings]

25
00:01:23,076 --> 00:01:24,142
China Taste.

26
00:01:24,178 --> 00:01:25,741
Yes. Can I get, uh,

27
00:01:25,776 --> 00:01:27,485
some General Tso's chicken,
please?

28
00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:28,710
Sorry, no Tso's.

29
00:01:28,745 --> 00:01:31,485
No Tso's?
Did the chickens escape?

30
00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:34,154
No, we're still doing breakfast
for the next hour.

31
00:01:34,189 --> 00:01:35,755
- Breakfast?
- [chair creaks]

32
00:01:36,391 --> 00:01:37,993
Then can I get
two scrambled eggs?

33
00:01:38,028 --> 00:01:39,693
- Toast or fruit?
-<i> Ew.</i>

34
00:01:39,729 --> 00:01:42,527
Toast. Burn that fruit before
somebody eats it on accident.

35
00:01:42,562 --> 00:01:45,197
Absolutely no fruit.
Anything else?

36
00:01:45,233 --> 00:01:47,235
Can I get an orange juice?

37
00:01:47,270 --> 00:01:49,405
Never fruit,
but somehow OJ's okay.

38
00:01:50,237 --> 00:01:51,941
Uh, and a pork roll,

39
00:01:51,977 --> 00:01:53,440
- egg and cheese.
- [clanks]

40
00:01:53,475 --> 00:01:55,275
Bagel with cream cheese
and any other cheese

41
00:01:55,310 --> 00:01:57,081
- you sees, please.
- [scoffs]

42
00:01:57,116 --> 00:01:59,550
He's a poet
and he didn't even know it.

43
00:01:59,586 --> 00:02:00,615
Anything else?

44
00:02:00,651 --> 00:02:01,918
Yes.

45
00:02:01,953 --> 00:02:03,721
Six and a half almond cookies

46
00:02:03,757 --> 00:02:05,817
and your hand in marriage.

47
00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:12,064
Who is this?

48
00:02:12,099 --> 00:02:15,127
Well, it's not Brian David.
That guy's a pud.

49
00:02:15,162 --> 00:02:18,302
He... he sure is.

50
00:02:18,337 --> 00:02:21,404
I haven't heard from you
in a long time, Brian David.

51
00:02:21,439 --> 00:02:23,370
-<i> What are you doing?</i>
- Calling Melody Barnegat

52
00:02:23,405 --> 00:02:25,534
and I'm making
a Morton's jelly donut.

53
00:02:25,570 --> 00:02:27,246
Toaster oven or microwave?

54
00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:30,948
I don't have a toaster oven
or a microwave, Richie Rich.

55
00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:32,642
Jesus. Do you guys have
a robot maid

56
00:02:32,678 --> 00:02:34,219
in your mansion,
Miss Millionaire?

57
00:02:34,254 --> 00:02:36,982
Shut up. Did you really call
to order all this food?

58
00:02:37,017 --> 00:02:38,614
<i> No.</i>

59
00:02:38,649 --> 00:02:40,415
I was calling to talk to you.

60
00:02:40,451 --> 00:02:42,920
Oh, yeah? Why?

61
00:02:44,288 --> 00:02:45,758
Uh...

62
00:02:47,029 --> 00:02:48,596
Was wondering...

63
00:02:49,862 --> 00:02:51,632
Do you wanna go
to the movies with me today?

64
00:02:53,039 --> 00:02:54,967
<i> You can--</i>
<i> You can totally say no.</i>

65
00:02:55,002 --> 00:02:56,032
Okay.

66
00:02:57,809 --> 00:02:59,642
Uh, s-seriously?

67
00:02:59,677 --> 00:03:01,004
Mm-hmm.

68
00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:03,105
Uh, hold on one second.

69
00:03:08,116 --> 00:03:09,617
[breathes deeply]

70
00:03:10,721 --> 00:03:12,089
Cool.

71
00:03:12,124 --> 00:03:13,992
Yeah, anything
but<i> Poltergeist 2.</i>

72
00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:16,053
Uh, because Tobe Hooper
didn't direct?

73
00:03:17,123 --> 00:03:19,765
- Who?
- The guy who directed
<i> The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.</i>

74
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:22,462
He made the first<i> Poltergeist</i>
even though most people think
it was Spielberg.

75
00:03:22,497 --> 00:03:25,268
You sure know a lot
about movies.

76
00:03:25,303 --> 00:03:26,829
But I can't see
<i> Poltergeist 2</i> with you

77
00:03:26,865 --> 00:03:28,430
because I'm supposed
to go with my mom.

78
00:03:28,466 --> 00:03:29,866
Your mom? Why?

79
00:03:29,901 --> 00:03:33,111
Oh, first one's like
her favorite movie ever.

80
00:03:33,146 --> 00:03:35,175
She says it's because
she likes ghost stories,

81
00:03:35,210 --> 00:03:36,510
but I know she's lying.

82
00:03:36,545 --> 00:03:39,048
Why would your mom lie
about<i> Poltergeist?</i>

83
00:03:39,083 --> 00:03:40,549
<i> My aunt was drunk one night</i>

84
00:03:40,584 --> 00:03:42,219
and she said that when my mom
was in eighth grade,

85
00:03:42,254 --> 00:03:43,615
she went to the school dance
with the guy

86
00:03:43,650 --> 00:03:45,287
who plays the dad
in<i> Poltergeist.</i>

87
00:03:45,323 --> 00:03:46,952
So that's why she likes
the movie so much.

88
00:03:46,987 --> 00:03:50,262
Oh, my gosh. She probably gave
Craig T. Nelson a hand job.

89
00:03:51,163 --> 00:03:53,023
I'd be so mad
you said that right now

90
00:03:53,058 --> 00:03:56,232
if I wasn't so impressed
you remember the guy's name.

91
00:03:56,267 --> 00:03:58,532
You sure know a lot
about movies.

92
00:03:58,567 --> 00:04:00,563
I know there's a movie
you and me gotta go see

93
00:04:00,598 --> 00:04:01,933
that your mom will love.

94
00:04:03,042 --> 00:04:04,637
"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout,
Willis?"

95
00:04:04,672 --> 00:04:06,740
Remember when we were
in the pool last summer?

96
00:04:11,246 --> 00:04:13,343
Do you wanna touch 'em?

97
00:04:13,379 --> 00:04:15,483
Uh, you mean...

98
00:04:15,518 --> 00:04:18,150
[quietly] when I almost
let you get to second?

99
00:04:18,185 --> 00:04:19,852
Well, yeah,

100
00:04:20,751 --> 00:04:22,357
but this was right before that.

101
00:04:22,392 --> 00:04:24,329
- [Melody] Marco.
- [Brian] Polo.

102
00:04:24,364 --> 00:04:26,327
- [Melody laughing] Marco.
- [Brian laughing] Polo.

103
00:04:26,363 --> 00:04:28,991
- [Melody] Marco.
- [both laugh]

104
00:04:29,026 --> 00:04:31,531
Why do you wear
your shirt in the pool?

105
00:04:31,566 --> 00:04:34,000
Because my tits
are bigger than yours?

106
00:04:34,035 --> 00:04:38,175
You should take
your shirt off in the pool,
just one time.

107
00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:40,108
You should take
your shirt off everywhere,

108
00:04:40,144 --> 00:04:41,272
- all the time.
- [scoffs]

109
00:04:41,308 --> 00:04:42,880
You're so funny.

110
00:04:42,916 --> 00:04:44,440
All short people are funny.

111
00:04:44,476 --> 00:04:46,082
[radio playing]

112
00:04:46,117 --> 00:04:47,910
It's too loud.
I'm reading.

113
00:04:47,946 --> 00:04:51,047
Mom, tell Brian David
he's not short.

114
00:04:51,083 --> 00:04:53,386
How about I tell him to get off
my daughter instead?

115
00:04:53,421 --> 00:04:55,725
He's not on me.
I'm on him.

116
00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:58,759
Get off that boy
or the only thing you'll be on
is punishment.

117
00:05:00,892 --> 00:05:02,796
Uh, what are you reading,
Mrs. Barnegat?

118
00:05:03,494 --> 00:05:04,862
<i> Bucklick.</i>

119
00:05:04,898 --> 00:05:07,631
Holy shit! Your mom
just called me a butt-lick!

120
00:05:07,667 --> 00:05:10,541
She said "Bucklick",
with a K.

121
00:05:10,577 --> 00:05:13,071
- [Brian laughs]
- It's-- it's a book series
my mom loves

122
00:05:13,106 --> 00:05:16,913
about a wisecracking detective
whose name is U.B. Bucklick.

123
00:05:16,948 --> 00:05:18,282
You be a butt-lick.

124
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,414
- You be a butt-lick.
- You be a butt-lick.

125
00:05:20,449 --> 00:05:22,420
[laughing]
You be a butt-lick.

126
00:05:25,119 --> 00:05:28,184
♪♪

127
00:05:40,434 --> 00:05:42,198
Do you wanna touch 'em?

128
00:05:45,175 --> 00:05:46,472
[cat yowls irritably]

129
00:05:46,507 --> 00:05:48,241
I totally shoulda touched 'em.

130
00:05:48,277 --> 00:05:50,315
You totally shoulda.

131
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:53,917
It's, like, the biggest mistake
I ever made. Shh.

132
00:05:53,952 --> 00:05:55,320
So why didn't you?

133
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:57,616
Well, I wanted you to think
I was a nice guy.

134
00:05:57,652 --> 00:05:59,584
I did think
you were a nice guy

135
00:05:59,619 --> 00:06:01,483
until you stopped calling me.

136
00:06:01,519 --> 00:06:04,789
Well, I'm calling you now
because there's
a<i> Bucklick</i> movie,

137
00:06:04,824 --> 00:06:06,758
and we totally gotta go
see it together.

138
00:06:06,794 --> 00:06:09,294
No way. They made
a<i> Bucklick</i> movie?

139
00:06:09,330 --> 00:06:10,430
<i> Ch'yeah, uh,</i>

140
00:06:10,466 --> 00:06:11,759
they-they showed
a preview for it

141
00:06:11,795 --> 00:06:13,328
when I saw<i> Top Gun.</i>

142
00:06:13,363 --> 00:06:17,370
It looks really funny,
and it's playing in Atlantic.

143
00:06:17,405 --> 00:06:18,502
Wait, then we gotta go.

144
00:06:18,537 --> 00:06:20,911
[speaking Chinese]

145
00:06:20,947 --> 00:06:22,041
[replies in Chinese]

146
00:06:23,411 --> 00:06:26,213
[quietly] Just got yelled at
so I gotta hang up.
What time's<i> Bucklick?</i>

147
00:06:26,249 --> 00:06:27,976
There's a 2:15 show.

148
00:06:28,012 --> 00:06:29,619
I can't do 2:15.
I get off at 2:00

149
00:06:29,654 --> 00:06:31,518
and then I need to go home
and shower before I go out

150
00:06:31,554 --> 00:06:32,950
because I smell like
an egg roll.

151
00:06:32,985 --> 00:06:35,718
Uh, we could go
to the next show at 4:30.

152
00:06:35,753 --> 00:06:37,555
We could, couldn't we?

153
00:06:37,590 --> 00:06:39,788
We should, shouldn't we?

154
00:06:39,823 --> 00:06:41,327
<i> "Could", to "should".</i>

155
00:06:41,363 --> 00:06:43,461
Wow. You move fast.

156
00:06:43,497 --> 00:06:44,961
Except in the pool.

157
00:06:44,996 --> 00:06:46,568
-<i> Yeah, yeah, yeah.</i>
- [chuckles]

158
00:06:46,603 --> 00:06:49,199
- So, you wanna go?
- [oven door clanks]

159
00:06:50,703 --> 00:06:52,834
Yeah. Let's go see<i> Bucklick.</i>

160
00:06:52,869 --> 00:06:54,707
Sweet. Then I'll see you

161
00:06:54,742 --> 00:06:57,077
at the 4:30 movie,
Melody Barnegat.

162
00:06:57,680 --> 00:07:01,420
I'll see you at the 4:30 movie,
Brian David.

163
00:07:03,855 --> 00:07:04,885
B-Bye.

164
00:07:09,797 --> 00:07:12,159
[exhales deeply]

165
00:07:12,195 --> 00:07:13,526
There is a God.

166
00:07:13,561 --> 00:07:15,566
[soft techno music playing]

167
00:07:30,545 --> 00:07:32,451
Off to get the new<i> Starlog.</i>

168
00:07:34,119 --> 00:07:35,784
It's kind of brisk out.

169
00:07:37,584 --> 00:07:39,315
A very unassuming day.

170
00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:42,659
Nothing fantastic happening.

171
00:07:44,764 --> 00:07:46,762
♪♪

172
00:08:27,172 --> 00:08:28,566
[Brian] Morning, Cookie.

173
00:08:28,601 --> 00:08:30,834
[Cookie] Mr. B.D.

174
00:08:30,869 --> 00:08:32,474
Uh, you on the schedule today?

175
00:08:32,509 --> 00:08:33,968
Nope. I'm gonna go
sit on the dock

176
00:08:34,003 --> 00:08:35,344
and read the new<i> Starlog,</i>

177
00:08:35,379 --> 00:08:37,411
then I'm going to the movies.

178
00:08:37,447 --> 00:08:38,880
Man, you and your movies.

179
00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:42,284
Shit's not real, you know.

180
00:08:42,319 --> 00:08:44,186
Like that movie<i> E.T.?</i>

181
00:08:44,221 --> 00:08:46,089
That never happened.

182
00:08:46,124 --> 00:08:47,350
That movie<i> Conan?</i>

183
00:08:48,390 --> 00:08:49,917
Never happened.

184
00:08:49,953 --> 00:08:51,222
That movie<i> Gandhi?</i>

185
00:08:52,196 --> 00:08:53,389
Shit never happened.

186
00:08:54,993 --> 00:08:56,634
I'm pretty sure
<i>Gandhi</i> happened.

187
00:09:00,032 --> 00:09:01,468
Well, that shit happened
for three hours,

188
00:09:01,504 --> 00:09:02,706
so I stopped watching it.

189
00:09:05,235 --> 00:09:07,608
You heard that new
Run-D.M.C. album?

190
00:09:07,643 --> 00:09:09,704
- Fresh.
- Super fresh, right?

191
00:09:09,740 --> 00:09:11,610
Chilly most.

192
00:09:11,646 --> 00:09:13,149
<i>Gandhi</i> definitely happened.

193
00:09:13,184 --> 00:09:14,481
It didn't happen!

194
00:09:14,517 --> 00:09:15,613
No, it definitely happened.

195
00:09:15,648 --> 00:09:16,720
<i> Star Wars</i> did!

196
00:09:29,696 --> 00:09:31,702
[soft music playing]

197
00:09:35,767 --> 00:09:39,142
May 25th, 1986.

198
00:09:39,177 --> 00:09:40,374
[seagull squawks]

199
00:09:40,410 --> 00:09:42,708
Today is a big day.

200
00:09:42,744 --> 00:09:45,680
I finally called
Melody Barnegat

201
00:09:45,715 --> 00:09:48,246
and invited her out
to the movies.

202
00:09:50,189 --> 00:09:53,119
Why, you ask? [sighs]

203
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:56,760
One word.

204
00:09:58,128 --> 00:09:59,455
Love.

205
00:10:01,531 --> 00:10:03,525
I got a 24-karat case of love.

206
00:10:06,029 --> 00:10:09,036
[pop music playing]

207
00:10:26,492 --> 00:10:29,589
Mrs. B's making bacon
for breakfast!

208
00:10:29,624 --> 00:10:31,056
It's not for breakfast.

209
00:10:31,091 --> 00:10:33,288
It's for you guys
to bring to the movies.

210
00:10:33,323 --> 00:10:35,094
- [pan clinks]
- This is movie bacon?

211
00:10:35,129 --> 00:10:38,097
It's cheaper than
that rip-off candy counter,

212
00:10:38,133 --> 00:10:41,464
and bacon's better for you
than all that popcorn.

213
00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:44,806
- [Brian] Hmm.
- You're growing boys.

214
00:10:44,841 --> 00:10:47,173
You need bacon
to build big, strong hearts.

215
00:10:48,673 --> 00:10:50,749
[sings theme song]<i> ♪ Coo roo</i>
<i> coo coo, coo loo coo coo! ♪</i>

216
00:10:50,784 --> 00:10:53,715
"Oh, g'day. I'm Bob Mackenzie
and this is my brother Doug."

217
00:10:53,750 --> 00:10:56,380
- "How's it going, eh?"
- [hums reply]

218
00:10:56,415 --> 00:10:59,450
- Is that my movie bacon?
- Ah! Don't touch it yet.

219
00:11:00,153 --> 00:11:02,584
I gotta put the mayonnaise
on it first.

220
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:05,661
Are we really gonna be

221
00:11:05,696 --> 00:11:07,732
sneaking around
the movies all day?

222
00:11:07,767 --> 00:11:10,158
I heard that Danny Banks
got caught doing that last week

223
00:11:10,193 --> 00:11:11,765
and they banned him for life.

224
00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:13,568
Danny Banks
isn't as slick as us.

225
00:11:13,603 --> 00:11:15,630
But<i> Bucklick</i> is rated R.

226
00:11:15,666 --> 00:11:18,668
We do not look old enough
to get into a rated R movie.

227
00:11:18,704 --> 00:11:19,734
We gotta...

228
00:11:20,504 --> 00:11:22,169
because I called
Melody Barnegat this morning

229
00:11:22,205 --> 00:11:23,581
and told her we were going.

230
00:11:23,617 --> 00:11:26,177
You talked to Melody Barnegat
this morning?

231
00:11:26,212 --> 00:11:28,417
Well, was that before
or after the donut?

232
00:11:28,452 --> 00:11:30,488
Before. I asked her out.

233
00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,118
She's coming
to the 4:30 movie with us.

234
00:11:32,153 --> 00:11:35,117
You asked Melody Barnegat
out on a movie date?

235
00:11:35,152 --> 00:11:36,827
- Brothers?
- Brothers.

236
00:11:37,990 --> 00:11:40,197
- Do you care?
- I don't care.

237
00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:41,458
But guess who will?

238
00:11:48,702 --> 00:11:50,038
Melody Barnegat?

239
00:11:52,740 --> 00:11:55,146
Merry Melody Barnegat?

240
00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:56,808
Yes, Melody Barnegat.

241
00:11:56,844 --> 00:11:58,842
Dude, she's a Spirit Bunny!

242
00:11:58,878 --> 00:12:00,349
She's a cheerleader.

243
00:12:00,385 --> 00:12:01,818
She's younger than us.

244
00:12:01,854 --> 00:12:03,654
By one grade, and she would've
been in our class,

245
00:12:03,689 --> 00:12:05,523
but she missed the cutoff date
by a month

246
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:07,019
because her birthday
is in November.

247
00:12:07,054 --> 00:12:08,892
Dude, you know
when her birthday is?

248
00:12:08,928 --> 00:12:12,124
Well, holy shit, Billy Idol.
When is the white wedding?

249
00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:14,132
What do you got against
Melanie Barnegat, okay?

250
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:15,727
She's super sweet.

251
00:12:15,762 --> 00:12:17,863
She's super short.

252
00:12:17,898 --> 00:12:19,229
She's not much shorter than me.

253
00:12:19,264 --> 00:12:20,736
She's shorter
than the Mets chance

254
00:12:20,772 --> 00:12:22,464
of making it to the playoffs
this year.

255
00:12:22,500 --> 00:12:24,036
- Oh, my God.
- [Belly] I don't know, Burn.

256
00:12:24,071 --> 00:12:26,470
Mets beat the Padres
5-4 last night.

257
00:12:26,505 --> 00:12:29,137
Yeah, and the Padres beat
the Mets 7-4 on Friday.

258
00:12:29,172 --> 00:12:30,481
What's your point, Bell?

259
00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:31,979
Yeah, but the way
they're playing,

260
00:12:32,014 --> 00:12:33,650
they're saying the Mets
could go all the way.

261
00:12:33,685 --> 00:12:35,343
The Mets have
as good of a chance

262
00:12:35,379 --> 00:12:37,083
of making it
to the World Series

263
00:12:37,118 --> 00:12:40,820
as Bri does of making it
with Midgety Barnegat.

264
00:12:40,855 --> 00:12:42,725
Melody Barnegat's not a midget.

265
00:12:42,761 --> 00:12:45,322
She's fresh,
and I'm gonna ask her out.

266
00:12:45,357 --> 00:12:47,488
- You already did.
- To the movies, but,

267
00:12:47,523 --> 00:12:49,366
after we see<i> Bucklick,</i>
I'm gonna...

268
00:12:49,401 --> 00:12:51,193
ask her out,
ask her out.

269
00:12:51,229 --> 00:12:52,529
Like, to go steady.
[sighs]

270
00:12:54,370 --> 00:12:55,568
What?

271
00:12:55,604 --> 00:12:57,568
Wha-- [stammers]

272
00:12:57,604 --> 00:12:58,940
Why?

273
00:12:58,976 --> 00:13:01,270
Why? Because we made out
in her pool last summer.

274
00:13:01,306 --> 00:13:04,506
Yeah, one time!
With your shirt on!

275
00:13:04,542 --> 00:13:07,443
And all you almost got
was a little bit of titty.

276
00:13:07,479 --> 00:13:10,012
And very little, might I add,
because she is...

277
00:13:10,047 --> 00:13:11,345
fairly flat-chested.

278
00:13:11,381 --> 00:13:13,382
Ch'yeah.
She's not flat-chested.

279
00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:15,456
[Burny] Oh, so you're
the expert now?

280
00:13:15,492 --> 00:13:18,093
Look, Bri, baby,

281
00:13:18,128 --> 00:13:20,695
I've gone with way more girls
in the pool than you have,

282
00:13:20,730 --> 00:13:23,334
all right? With my shirt off.

283
00:13:23,936 --> 00:13:26,198
I've been thinking about
asking Melody out all year.

284
00:13:26,233 --> 00:13:28,730
She's really smart.
She thinks I'm funny.

285
00:13:28,765 --> 00:13:32,199
Oh, she can't be too smart
if she thinks you're funny.

286
00:13:32,235 --> 00:13:35,440
Like washing your truck
three times a day
is some sign of intelligence.

287
00:13:35,475 --> 00:13:38,750
Hey, hey, hey! Don't bring
the Truckster into this, okay?

288
00:13:38,785 --> 00:13:41,214
You can actually get inside
of the Truckster,

289
00:13:41,250 --> 00:13:43,816
which is way more
than you'll ever be able to do

290
00:13:43,851 --> 00:13:45,719
with Melody Barnegat.

291
00:13:45,754 --> 00:13:47,882
Bri, she's beneath you.

292
00:13:48,584 --> 00:13:50,092
I'm trying to get her
on top of me.

293
00:13:51,791 --> 00:13:52,823
For what?

294
00:13:52,859 --> 00:13:54,697
For sex, Burny!

295
00:13:54,733 --> 00:13:57,325
But-but you're--
you're the guy, Bri.

296
00:13:57,360 --> 00:14:00,568
You get on top of her, right?

297
00:14:00,603 --> 00:14:03,337
- I gotta teach him everything.
- But I'm always laying down
when I jerk off,

298
00:14:03,373 --> 00:14:05,100
- so I don't think I can bust
a nut any other way.
- Ew!

299
00:14:05,135 --> 00:14:06,736
Hey! Hey! Come on!

300
00:14:06,771 --> 00:14:10,147
You think I wanna hear about
your nasty jerk-off techniques?

301
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,144
No, I don't!

302
00:14:12,180 --> 00:14:14,509
-<i> The match...</i>
- Major Murder promo!

303
00:14:14,544 --> 00:14:16,486
You gotta learn
how to be a man, Bri.

304
00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:18,180
Be a man like Major Murder.

305
00:14:18,216 --> 00:14:19,824
[theme song playing on TV]

306
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:23,356
- Like Major Murder.
- Yeah, like Major Murder.

307
00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:26,128
Major Murder is not a man.

308
00:14:26,994 --> 00:14:28,123
He's a fictional character.

309
00:14:28,158 --> 00:14:29,866
He's got character.

310
00:14:29,901 --> 00:14:31,699
Especially when he's
in the ring kicking ass.

311
00:14:31,734 --> 00:14:34,532
[indistinct TV chatter]

312
00:14:34,567 --> 00:14:37,365
<i> Call the police, because</i>
<i> there's gonna be a murder</i>

313
00:14:37,401 --> 00:14:39,472
<i> in New Jersey, wrestling fans.</i>

314
00:14:39,507 --> 00:14:42,614
<i> Coming to the Brendan Byrne</i>
<i> Arena in East Rutherford,</i>

315
00:14:42,649 --> 00:14:45,273
<i> the Master of Disaster</i>
<i> himself,</i>

316
00:14:45,308 --> 00:14:47,043
<i> the Savage Soldier,</i>

317
00:14:47,079 --> 00:14:49,811
<i> it's Major Murder!</i>

318
00:14:51,250 --> 00:14:53,280
<i> - Is this thing on?</i>
<i> - Yes.</i>

319
00:14:53,316 --> 00:14:56,156
<i> 'Cause I got something to say</i>
<i> to all the sissy civilians</i>
<i> out there.</i>

320
00:14:56,191 --> 00:14:58,556
- [Burny grunting]
-<i> Aw, hell, Mad Brad.</i>

321
00:15:00,191 --> 00:15:02,195
<i>You hearing me, Believer?</i>

322
00:15:02,231 --> 00:15:05,228
<i>Major Murder's got his orders</i>
<i>to kick your ass.</i>

323
00:15:05,263 --> 00:15:07,604
<i>So I'm gonna storm</i>
<i>those cheeks</i>

324
00:15:07,639 --> 00:15:10,741
<i>like it's Omaha Beach! Hoorah!</i>

325
00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:12,676
[Brad]<i> Now, Major,</i>
<i> it sounds to me</i>

326
00:15:12,712 --> 00:15:14,739
<i> like you intend</i>
<i> on holding on</i>

327
00:15:14,774 --> 00:15:18,041
<i> to your intercontinental</i>
<i> championship title.</i>
<i> Is that right?</i>

328
00:15:18,076 --> 00:15:19,280
<i>If you gotta ask,</i>

329
00:15:20,181 --> 00:15:22,679
<i>then you ain't up</i>
<i>to the task, soldier!</i>

330
00:15:26,287 --> 00:15:28,854
- [bike revs]
-<i> At ease, ya sleaze.</i>

331
00:15:28,890 --> 00:15:30,493
<i> Major Murder says</i>

332
00:15:30,528 --> 00:15:33,129
<i> dis... missed!</i>

333
00:15:34,533 --> 00:15:35,933
<i> Well, there you have it.</i>

334
00:15:35,969 --> 00:15:37,999
<i> Let's all be thankful</i>
<i> that the Major fights</i>

335
00:15:38,035 --> 00:15:40,163
<i> for the side</i>
<i> of these United States</i>

336
00:15:40,198 --> 00:15:41,903
<i> and not those Soviets.</i>

337
00:15:41,939 --> 00:15:44,435
Major Murder
is bad to the bone!

338
00:15:44,471 --> 00:15:47,443
The guy literally rides
a camouflage motorcycle,

339
00:15:47,479 --> 00:15:49,209
for God's sakes.

340
00:15:49,245 --> 00:15:51,406
He would never be dating
little Melody Barnegat.

341
00:15:51,441 --> 00:15:52,907
You can bet your ass on that.

342
00:15:52,942 --> 00:15:56,181
Because she's a teenager
and he's, like, 100 years old.

343
00:15:56,217 --> 00:15:58,285
You would never say that
to his face,

344
00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:00,748
'cause he'd put
the Grip of Death on you. Huh.

345
00:16:00,784 --> 00:16:03,051
[as Mad Brad] Even though
he was 17 years old...

346
00:16:03,086 --> 00:16:06,024
[normal voice]
Burny O'Donnell still believed
wrestling was real!

347
00:16:06,059 --> 00:16:08,126
- [all chuckle]
- Yeah.

348
00:16:08,161 --> 00:16:09,633
- Is wrestling not real?
- Hey!

349
00:16:09,668 --> 00:16:10,801
[Burny] Can you rip the grip?

350
00:16:10,836 --> 00:16:12,063
- Say wrestling's real!
- Get off me!

351
00:16:12,098 --> 00:16:13,398
Say wrestling's real!

352
00:16:13,433 --> 00:16:16,265
- [thuds]
- Aw, yeah! Are we wrestlin'?

353
00:16:16,301 --> 00:16:18,075
- [thuds]
- [grunting]

354
00:16:19,736 --> 00:16:24,444
["I Feel For You"
by Chaka Khan playing]

355
00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:51,833
[song continues]

356
00:16:51,868 --> 00:16:53,740
- [Burny] I ain't doin' it.
- [Belly] Why not?

357
00:16:53,775 --> 00:16:55,945
[Burny] 'Cause the idea
of everybody touching
everybody's disgusting.

358
00:16:55,981 --> 00:16:57,405
- [Brian scoffs]
- [mumbles indistinct]

359
00:16:57,441 --> 00:16:58,806
Burny mistakenly believed

360
00:16:58,841 --> 00:17:00,578
"Everybody Touching
Everybody's Disgusting"

361
00:17:00,614 --> 00:17:03,419
was the original name
for Hands Across America.

362
00:17:03,455 --> 00:17:06,286
- [Belly] Brothers?
- [Brian] No, Bells.
I'm just mocking Burny

363
00:17:06,321 --> 00:17:08,089
for being against
Hands Across America.

364
00:17:08,125 --> 00:17:10,050
- Ah, hands across my dick.
- [laughs]

365
00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:13,430
Can't believe they're not
playing<i> Poltergeist 2</i> here.

366
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:16,024
Well, there's no way
that shit's gonna be as good
as<i> Poltergeist 1.</i>

367
00:17:16,059 --> 00:17:18,998
It's not<i> "Poltergeist 1."</i>
It's still just<i> Poltergeist.</i>

368
00:17:19,034 --> 00:17:22,139
When they make a sequel,
they don't suddenly stick
a number on the first flick.

369
00:17:22,174 --> 00:17:25,808
Sometimes I wanna stick
a power cable in your big mouth,

370
00:17:25,844 --> 00:17:27,604
like Brody did Jaws in<i> Jaws 2.</i>

371
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:30,009
I like how they killed Jaws
better in<i> Jaws 1.</i>

372
00:17:30,044 --> 00:17:32,013
Belly, it's just<i> Jaws.</i>

373
00:17:32,048 --> 00:17:33,612
Unless we're talking
<i> Godfather 2,</i>

374
00:17:33,647 --> 00:17:35,710
<i> Escape From the Planet</i>
<i> of the Apes,</i> or<i> Empire,</i>

375
00:17:35,745 --> 00:17:38,155
no sequel's ever as good
as the original.

376
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:40,014
All right, well, as long
as that creepy little chick's

377
00:17:40,049 --> 00:17:42,487
coming back
from<i> Poltergeist 1,</i>
I'll be there.

378
00:17:42,523 --> 00:17:45,221
[imitating character]
"Cross over, children!

379
00:17:45,256 --> 00:17:47,692
All are welcome."

380
00:17:48,832 --> 00:17:50,165
Melody Barnegat's mom--

381
00:17:50,201 --> 00:17:52,234
Ooh! I'm so sorry.
Um, Melody Barnegat's mom

382
00:17:52,269 --> 00:17:54,400
went to a dance with the dad
from<i> Poltergeist</i>

383
00:17:54,435 --> 00:17:55,898
- when she was in eighth grade.
- Oh, yeah.

384
00:17:55,933 --> 00:17:58,176
- I bet she jerked him off!
- That's what I said.

385
00:17:58,211 --> 00:18:01,078
Oh, then why did you ask her
to come to the movies today?

386
00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:03,146
Melody's mom's not coming
to the movies with us.

387
00:18:03,181 --> 00:18:05,749
Not her mom. Melody.
Why is she coming with us?

388
00:18:05,784 --> 00:18:07,643
Because I like
Melody Barnegat.

389
00:18:07,679 --> 00:18:09,720
Ah, you don't know shit
about women, Bri.

390
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,318
- Oh, my God.
- I do, right?

391
00:18:12,354 --> 00:18:13,924
And I know she's not
the woman for you

392
00:18:13,959 --> 00:18:16,527
because she's not
a woman at all.

393
00:18:16,563 --> 00:18:17,819
She's a little girl.

394
00:18:17,855 --> 00:18:20,556
Melody Barnegat
is not a little girl, Burny.

395
00:18:20,592 --> 00:18:22,725
- She's like a lady.
- Ah, yeah.

396
00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:24,668
Like the creepy lady
from<i> Poltergeist 1.</i>

397
00:18:24,703 --> 00:18:25,759
It's just<i> Poltergeist!</i>

398
00:18:25,795 --> 00:18:27,169
Who wants some more
of Mom's bacon?

399
00:18:27,204 --> 00:18:29,235
Put that away
till we get inside, bacon bits.

400
00:18:29,270 --> 00:18:30,801
Oh, shit.
Here comes the car.

401
00:18:32,272 --> 00:18:33,906
["I Feel For You" continues]

402
00:18:33,941 --> 00:18:35,113
[car honks]

403
00:18:45,591 --> 00:18:47,451
That car blows.

404
00:18:47,486 --> 00:18:49,554
No way!
It's like a Batmobile.

405
00:18:49,589 --> 00:18:52,024
Who cares?<i> Batman's</i>
a stupid old TV show.

406
00:18:52,059 --> 00:18:54,422
I read in<i> Starlog,</i>
they said they're gonna make
a new Batman movie.

407
00:18:54,457 --> 00:18:56,396
[scoffs] It'll flop.

408
00:18:56,431 --> 00:18:58,961
Nobody's ever gonna pay
to see a Batman movie.

409
00:19:03,005 --> 00:19:05,541
What a disgusting town.

410
00:19:05,576 --> 00:19:06,474
[scoffs]

411
00:19:08,506 --> 00:19:10,511
["I Feel For You" continues]

412
00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:14,141
Get someone out here
and make sure

413
00:19:14,177 --> 00:19:16,752
none of these disgusting poors
touches my Moviemobile.

414
00:19:16,788 --> 00:19:18,217
Aye aye, Cap'n Bligh.

415
00:19:18,252 --> 00:19:20,989
Welcome to Atlantic Cinemas,

416
00:19:21,024 --> 00:19:23,821
where the movies come to play.

417
00:19:26,458 --> 00:19:27,955
When we get inside, remember,

418
00:19:27,990 --> 00:19:29,395
we're getting tickets
for<i> Astro Blaster</i>

419
00:19:29,431 --> 00:19:30,898
because<i> Bucklick</i>
and<i> Dental School</i>

420
00:19:30,933 --> 00:19:32,398
are both rated R.

421
00:19:32,434 --> 00:19:35,733
I can drive a car at 17
and join the army,

422
00:19:35,768 --> 00:19:39,667
but I gotta wait till I'm 18
to see rated R movies.

423
00:19:39,702 --> 00:19:41,506
Might as well live
in Russia.

424
00:19:41,541 --> 00:19:43,473
[as Yakov Smirnoff]
In Soviet Union,

425
00:19:43,509 --> 00:19:45,980
you don't see
R-rated movie.

426
00:19:46,015 --> 00:19:47,684
R-rated movie sees you.

427
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,783
"Ah, what a country!"

428
00:19:49,819 --> 00:19:51,149
[giggles]

429
00:19:51,185 --> 00:19:52,355
I need new friends.

430
00:19:54,526 --> 00:19:55,457
Hi.

431
00:19:58,822 --> 00:20:00,363
<i> Astro Blaster</i>
<i> and the Beavermen?</i>

432
00:20:01,229 --> 00:20:03,564
[dispenser clanks, whirs]

433
00:20:06,839 --> 00:20:08,665
Can I get, uh, one ticket

434
00:20:08,701 --> 00:20:11,773
to<i> Astro Blaster</i>
<i> and the Beavermen?</i>

435
00:20:11,809 --> 00:20:14,275
[coins clink]

436
00:20:14,311 --> 00:20:16,709
- [sighs]
- [dispenser clanks, whirs]

437
00:20:20,050 --> 00:20:21,610
- Hey, girl!
- [coin clinks]

438
00:20:21,646 --> 00:20:24,120
Can I get, uh,
one ticket to, uh,

439
00:20:24,155 --> 00:20:26,356
- "Ass-blaster"?
- [velcro ripping]

440
00:20:26,391 --> 00:20:30,354
'Cause, uh, you know,
that's what the ladies call me.

441
00:20:30,390 --> 00:20:32,054
[seductively] Ass-Blaster.

442
00:20:32,931 --> 00:20:35,662
[dispenser clanks, whirs]

443
00:20:41,499 --> 00:20:42,697
[both hiss in pity]

444
00:20:42,733 --> 00:20:44,666
She was playing
hard to get.

445
00:20:44,701 --> 00:20:47,402
Okay. Um,
we'll save seats.

446
00:20:47,438 --> 00:20:48,774
You get in line?

447
00:20:50,173 --> 00:20:51,579
- That look like it hurt.
- She gave me a look.

448
00:20:54,012 --> 00:20:56,111
You can't give them cut-sies
when they get back.

449
00:20:57,056 --> 00:20:59,152
What do you care?
We're behind you.

450
00:20:59,187 --> 00:21:00,883
Well, I'll tell my dad.

451
00:21:00,918 --> 00:21:03,887
[mocking] Oh, you'll tell
your dad. So what?

452
00:21:03,923 --> 00:21:06,187
I don't care what you
tell your dad, little kid.

453
00:21:08,129 --> 00:21:10,427
- Dad.
- Hmm?

454
00:21:10,463 --> 00:21:12,468
He showed me his privates.

455
00:21:13,466 --> 00:21:15,372
- He did what?
- I-I--

456
00:21:17,105 --> 00:21:18,804
Have fun. Don't run.

457
00:21:19,712 --> 00:21:21,242
Have fun. Don't run.

458
00:21:21,278 --> 00:21:22,907
[mocking]
"Have fun, don't run."

459
00:21:26,618 --> 00:21:27,747
Have fun.

460
00:21:29,086 --> 00:21:30,486
[serenely]
And I hope you die.

461
00:21:36,388 --> 00:21:38,392
Have fun. Don't run.

462
00:21:38,427 --> 00:21:40,523
You had to mess
with Manager Mike.

463
00:21:40,559 --> 00:21:42,724
I'm not scared of that spaz.

464
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:44,258
Now if he sees us in<i> Bucklick,</i>

465
00:21:44,293 --> 00:21:46,599
he'll remember us as the guys
from<i> Astro Blaster</i>

466
00:21:46,634 --> 00:21:48,964
- who made fun of him.
- Oh, the "guys"?

467
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:52,733
You mean "the guy"?
'Cause you didn't say shit.

468
00:21:52,768 --> 00:21:54,706
I'm trying to be incognito

469
00:21:54,741 --> 00:21:56,740
so we can sneak into
the other movies all day

470
00:21:56,775 --> 00:21:58,414
- after we see this one.
- Oh. Uh-huh,

471
00:21:58,450 --> 00:22:00,575
and how many times
have you seen<i> Astro Blaster?</i>

472
00:22:00,610 --> 00:22:01,811
Fourteen times.

473
00:22:01,847 --> 00:22:04,388
Oh. And you wonder
why you don't get laid.

474
00:22:05,223 --> 00:22:06,917
I don't get laid
'cause I'm Catholic.

475
00:22:06,953 --> 00:22:09,490
I'm Catholic!
That don't stop me
from getting laid.

476
00:22:09,525 --> 00:22:11,891
I even did it in the church
basement one time.

477
00:22:11,927 --> 00:22:15,229
[Brian] Is the church basement
what you call your sphincter?

478
00:22:15,264 --> 00:22:16,796
[Burny] You're a sphincter.

479
00:22:20,872 --> 00:22:22,432
Uh, where is Bells?

480
00:22:22,467 --> 00:22:23,770
[tapping on glass]

481
00:22:28,214 --> 00:22:30,610
- Uh, what the hell?
- I got thrown out.

482
00:22:30,645 --> 00:22:32,944
- For what?
- For being a little sex fiend.

483
00:22:34,678 --> 00:22:36,082
Are you with that pervert?

484
00:22:36,118 --> 00:22:38,917
Uh, I mean...

485
00:22:38,952 --> 00:22:40,991
- We go to the same school.
- You're such a sellout.

486
00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:42,488
That pervert's our boy, Belly.

487
00:22:42,524 --> 00:22:44,654
Well, your boy Belly's
been bounced.

488
00:22:44,690 --> 00:22:46,263
You wanna join him,
be my guest.

489
00:22:46,298 --> 00:22:48,363
But keep the door closed.
Don't let my AC out.

490
00:22:48,399 --> 00:22:51,968
[loudly] You touch my car,
I call the cops!

491
00:22:52,003 --> 00:22:54,166
[louder] You touch my car,

492
00:22:54,202 --> 00:22:55,831
I call the cops!

493
00:22:55,867 --> 00:22:59,270
You can't hear me?
I can't hear you.

494
00:22:59,306 --> 00:23:02,006
I won. [scoffs]

495
00:23:04,214 --> 00:23:05,647
[muffled]
Meet me out back.

496
00:23:07,580 --> 00:23:09,849
[muffled]
Meet me out back.

497
00:23:11,088 --> 00:23:13,017
Jesus. Meet me out back.

498
00:23:17,522 --> 00:23:19,660
[sighs] All right.

499
00:23:19,696 --> 00:23:22,396
Can you get me some Twizzlers?
I'll go get Bells.

500
00:23:22,432 --> 00:23:23,695
Can I eat you
one of your Twizzlers?

501
00:23:23,730 --> 00:23:26,063
[chuckles]
You can eat this Twizzler.

502
00:23:31,206 --> 00:23:33,309
Ah. S'up, Stank?

503
00:23:33,344 --> 00:23:36,040
- Oh, hey. S'up?
How you doing?
- Good.

504
00:23:36,075 --> 00:23:39,373
D-didn't I see you at<i> Rocky IV</i>
couple of months ago?

505
00:23:40,216 --> 00:23:41,878
- Yeah.
- Oh, man.

506
00:23:41,913 --> 00:23:43,484
I can't stop thinking
about that movie.

507
00:23:43,519 --> 00:23:45,078
- It was crazy.
- So good, right?

508
00:23:45,114 --> 00:23:47,519
I couldn't believe
that Rocky lived.

509
00:23:47,555 --> 00:23:49,492
- Yeah.
- E-even so, I was like,

510
00:23:49,528 --> 00:23:53,389
"That movie's... [stammers]
really hard to follow."

511
00:23:53,425 --> 00:23:56,332
You know, 'cause it's like,
it was like you think
he's gonna be dead

512
00:23:56,367 --> 00:23:58,268
'cause he's all, like,
bloody and stuff.

513
00:23:58,303 --> 00:24:00,396
Then he's just like...
[sings fanfare]

514
00:24:00,432 --> 00:24:01,568
Just like...

515
00:24:01,603 --> 00:24:03,703
- [imitates blow landing]
- Whoa!

516
00:24:03,738 --> 00:24:05,576
And then-- But then
the other guy was like...

517
00:24:05,611 --> 00:24:08,275
[imitates blow landing]
And there's blood
and all this spit.

518
00:24:08,310 --> 00:24:10,543
[imitates spit spraying]

519
00:24:10,578 --> 00:24:13,007
- Yeah.
- And it all came out.

520
00:24:13,042 --> 00:24:14,744
- [chuckles]
- It-it was cool.

521
00:24:14,779 --> 00:24:16,679
Remember when the blonde guy...

522
00:24:16,714 --> 00:24:18,220
The Ru-- He's Russian.

523
00:24:18,255 --> 00:24:19,520
I don't know where he's from,

524
00:24:19,555 --> 00:24:21,753
but he-he's just like...
[imitates punch]

525
00:24:21,788 --> 00:24:23,686
I don't think it matters
where he's from.

526
00:24:23,721 --> 00:24:25,758
[chuckles] A-and then--

527
00:24:25,793 --> 00:24:29,366
and-and-and he just, like,
punched him so hard.

528
00:24:29,401 --> 00:24:31,867
- Remember that?
- Yeah. It was the climax.

529
00:24:31,903 --> 00:24:33,237
He climaxed?

530
00:24:33,272 --> 00:24:35,633
No, it was the climax
of the film.

531
00:24:35,669 --> 00:24:38,308
Yeah, it was so cool.
[chuckles]

532
00:24:38,343 --> 00:24:40,676
But I just thought
it was kind of fake.

533
00:24:43,079 --> 00:24:44,706
[chuckles]

534
00:24:44,741 --> 00:24:46,248
What, for free?

535
00:24:46,283 --> 00:24:48,150
You know I don't got
any bread.

536
00:24:48,185 --> 00:24:51,115
Ah, but you got bacon.

537
00:24:58,021 --> 00:24:59,719
Did you see my new
Stryper jacket?

538
00:24:59,755 --> 00:25:00,789
Oh, cool.

539
00:25:00,824 --> 00:25:02,395
- Rock on.
- Yeah.

540
00:25:02,431 --> 00:25:04,927
Well, not--
No, actually.

541
00:25:04,963 --> 00:25:07,601
Rock on without the horns,
'cause...

542
00:25:07,636 --> 00:25:09,870
- [taps thigh]
- Hell is for pussies.

543
00:25:11,210 --> 00:25:13,504
It's for--
Heaven's where it's at.

544
00:25:13,540 --> 00:25:15,509
H-have you been saved?

545
00:25:15,544 --> 00:25:17,476
- What?
- Have you been saved?

546
00:25:17,512 --> 00:25:19,312
- By Jesus?
- [scoffs]

547
00:25:19,347 --> 00:25:21,247
No, by Tony Danza.

548
00:25:21,283 --> 00:25:22,817
Yeah, by Jesus.

549
00:25:22,853 --> 00:25:26,116
Um, I-I guess.
I'm an altar boy
and I go to church.

550
00:25:26,152 --> 00:25:29,017
Good for you. So I guess
we'll be in heaven together,

551
00:25:29,053 --> 00:25:31,523
spitting down
on all those heathens.

552
00:25:31,558 --> 00:25:33,023
- Yeah.
- [both chuckle]

553
00:25:33,058 --> 00:25:35,331
You're not doing
Hands Across America either?

554
00:25:35,366 --> 00:25:37,191
- Nah, not this year.
- Yeah.

555
00:25:37,226 --> 00:25:39,495
I asked a bunch of people,
but, um...

556
00:25:39,531 --> 00:25:40,929
Yeah, I...

557
00:25:40,964 --> 00:25:42,706
No one wanted to do it
with me.

558
00:25:42,742 --> 00:25:46,168
They already had people
that they were doing
hands with, so...

559
00:25:46,203 --> 00:25:48,312
I mean, I understand,
'cause it's kind of like

560
00:25:48,347 --> 00:25:50,675
you have to know somebody
really well

561
00:25:50,710 --> 00:25:53,447
to, like, stand next to somebody

562
00:25:53,483 --> 00:25:55,310
and, like,
give them a hand job.

563
00:25:55,345 --> 00:25:58,619
But you know,
just for bringing
people together,

564
00:25:58,655 --> 00:26:00,690
it's, like, kind of a lot
to ask, I guess.

565
00:26:05,659 --> 00:26:07,158
- Here we go.
- Thanks.

566
00:26:12,031 --> 00:26:13,465
How many previews
do you think we get?

567
00:26:13,500 --> 00:26:15,028
It's always three.

568
00:26:15,063 --> 00:26:16,937
I hope we get<i> The Fly.</i>

569
00:26:18,543 --> 00:26:20,270
I hope we get<i> Aliens</i>
and<i> Labyrinth.</i>

570
00:26:24,347 --> 00:26:26,078
[thoughtful music plays]

571
00:26:29,752 --> 00:26:32,688
[narrator]<i> Her name</i>
<i> is Sister Sarah Wallace,</i>

572
00:26:32,723 --> 00:26:35,791
<i> and she is unlike any nun</i>
<i> you've ever met.</i>

573
00:26:37,921 --> 00:26:39,921
- Hey, guys.
- Hi.

574
00:26:39,957 --> 00:26:41,027
- Hi!
-<i> She's young.</i>

575
00:26:42,762 --> 00:26:44,228
-<i> She's fun.</i>
- [laughs]

576
00:26:45,467 --> 00:26:47,528
[indistinct chatter]

577
00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:52,203
Yes! Yes! High five!

578
00:26:54,069 --> 00:26:56,273
<i> And she's got a secret.</i>

579
00:26:59,451 --> 00:27:02,910
They stole all the food
for the orphans!

580
00:27:02,946 --> 00:27:04,185
What are we gonna do?

581
00:27:04,221 --> 00:27:07,084
[dramatic music]

582
00:27:07,119 --> 00:27:09,627
<i> To feed the hungry kids</i>
<i> at her orphanage,</i>

583
00:27:10,758 --> 00:27:13,229
<i> this naughty nun will develop</i>

584
00:27:13,264 --> 00:27:15,363
<i> some filthy habits.</i>

585
00:27:15,398 --> 00:27:17,393
[saxophone music plays]

586
00:27:19,798 --> 00:27:22,039
[narrator speaking]

587
00:27:22,074 --> 00:27:25,271
How come the nuns
were never secret hookers
when we were in school?

588
00:27:25,306 --> 00:27:28,804
One time I pulled my pud
to the thought of sex
with Sister Anne.

589
00:27:28,839 --> 00:27:30,545
[breathes deeply]

590
00:27:30,580 --> 00:27:32,611
Was guilty as hell
afterwards.

591
00:27:32,647 --> 00:27:34,309
You're gonna burn, sinner.

592
00:27:34,344 --> 00:27:35,712
Hey, don't tell anybody
I told you that.

593
00:27:35,747 --> 00:27:37,081
Who would I tell?

594
00:27:37,117 --> 00:27:39,312
You're out here swimming
around in a toilet bowl.

595
00:27:39,348 --> 00:27:41,491
But you're a nun.
Not a hooker!

596
00:27:41,526 --> 00:27:44,453
Well, maybe God
wants me to be both!

597
00:27:44,488 --> 00:27:46,394
- [sax music resumes]
- [narrator]<i> A nun by day...</i>

598
00:27:46,429 --> 00:27:48,465
Ready? Yeah! [laughing]

599
00:27:48,501 --> 00:27:50,824
[narrator]
<i> ...and a hooker by night.</i>

600
00:27:50,860 --> 00:27:53,294
Hey, Sister!

601
00:27:53,329 --> 00:27:56,168
I got something
for your poor box!

602
00:27:58,202 --> 00:28:00,843
Let's see
what's under that wig.

603
00:28:03,514 --> 00:28:05,381
- Oh, hell, no!
- [knife clinks]

604
00:28:05,416 --> 00:28:06,781
- [screams]
- [screams]

605
00:28:06,816 --> 00:28:09,317
- [narrator]<i> Say a prayer for...</i>
- [laughing]

606
00:28:09,352 --> 00:28:12,316
[people clamoring]

607
00:28:17,328 --> 00:28:19,358
[narrator speaking]

608
00:28:19,393 --> 00:28:20,489
<i> Rated R.</i>

609
00:28:21,564 --> 00:28:22,928
We're definitely
seeing that.

610
00:28:22,963 --> 00:28:24,663
Imagine if the nuns
were secret hookers

611
00:28:24,698 --> 00:28:25,798
when we were in school.

612
00:28:25,834 --> 00:28:27,164
Number one,
I already said that.

613
00:28:27,199 --> 00:28:29,097
And number two,
one time Burny jerked off

614
00:28:29,132 --> 00:28:30,438
thinking about sister Anne.

615
00:28:30,473 --> 00:28:31,669
- [laughs]
- Dude!

616
00:28:31,704 --> 00:28:34,243
[insects chirring]

617
00:28:34,279 --> 00:28:38,105
[uneasy music plays]

618
00:28:38,140 --> 00:28:41,048
[man breathing gruffly]

619
00:28:47,555 --> 00:28:49,760
[woman panting]

620
00:29:05,544 --> 00:29:07,404
- [blade plunges]
- [man roars]

621
00:29:09,414 --> 00:29:11,546
<i> "The Health Nut"?</i> Huh.

622
00:29:11,581 --> 00:29:13,208
Get outta here with this shit.

623
00:29:13,244 --> 00:29:15,142
Well, they banned it
in Scandinavia.

624
00:29:15,177 --> 00:29:17,512
That slasher isn't fit

625
00:29:17,548 --> 00:29:19,984
to wipe the blood off
the blades of Leatherface,

626
00:29:20,020 --> 00:29:21,715
Michael Myers
or Freddy Krueger.

627
00:29:21,750 --> 00:29:24,318
You haven't even seen
the movie yet, Judge Wapner.

628
00:29:24,353 --> 00:29:26,388
I don't need to see
the movie,

629
00:29:26,424 --> 00:29:28,362
'cause I'm the greatest
horror movie expert

630
00:29:28,398 --> 00:29:29,860
you've ever met.

631
00:29:29,895 --> 00:29:31,230
Stupid piece of shit.

632
00:29:32,469 --> 00:29:35,066
Question for the expert.

633
00:29:35,102 --> 00:29:37,836
Who wins in a fight
between Jason, Freddy,

634
00:29:37,871 --> 00:29:40,409
Leatherface,
and Michael Myers?

635
00:29:40,444 --> 00:29:42,043
My man, Jason Voorhees.

636
00:29:42,078 --> 00:29:44,009
[imitates buzzer]
The correct answer
to the question

637
00:29:44,045 --> 00:29:46,110
"Who wins in a fight
between Jason, Freddy,

638
00:29:46,145 --> 00:29:48,151
Leatherface,
and Michael Myers?" is...

639
00:29:48,186 --> 00:29:49,749
the audience!

640
00:29:49,784 --> 00:29:51,415
- We all win.
- [clicks]

641
00:29:52,915 --> 00:29:53,824
Idiot.

642
00:29:56,054 --> 00:29:59,755
[cheerful '80s music plays]

643
00:29:59,790 --> 00:30:00,798
[thuds]

644
00:30:05,160 --> 00:30:06,459
Morning, gorgeous.

645
00:30:06,495 --> 00:30:09,106
Morning.
What'cha havin'?
The usual?

646
00:30:09,141 --> 00:30:10,530
[loud sigh]

647
00:30:10,566 --> 00:30:13,305
I gotta unload
before I reload.
[chuckles]

648
00:30:15,280 --> 00:30:16,979
[sighs heavily]

649
00:30:24,115 --> 00:30:25,983
[horror movie music plays]

650
00:30:26,019 --> 00:30:27,649
- [zipper unzips]
- [grunts]

651
00:30:29,427 --> 00:30:30,927
- [farts]
- [groans]

652
00:30:32,527 --> 00:30:36,223
[skittering]

653
00:30:36,258 --> 00:30:37,957
[repeated wet punches]

654
00:30:37,993 --> 00:30:39,226
Oh!

655
00:30:39,261 --> 00:30:40,564
[screams] Oh, my God!

656
00:30:40,600 --> 00:30:41,798
Oh!

657
00:30:41,833 --> 00:30:45,506
[screaming]

658
00:30:45,542 --> 00:30:47,671
[urgent music plays]

659
00:30:47,707 --> 00:30:49,143
[thumping]

660
00:31:03,053 --> 00:31:04,655
[alien speech]

661
00:31:04,691 --> 00:31:05,920
[screams]

662
00:31:05,955 --> 00:31:07,293
[roars]

663
00:31:10,227 --> 00:31:12,963
So they crawl up your butt.

664
00:31:12,999 --> 00:31:15,235
Oh, Mr. Wizard over here.

665
00:31:16,236 --> 00:31:18,265
I can't believe
this place is so empty.

666
00:31:18,300 --> 00:31:19,443
When did this come out?

667
00:31:19,478 --> 00:31:21,837
<i>Astro Blaster?</i> Back in March.

668
00:31:21,872 --> 00:31:24,605
Remember,
we snuck into<i> Highlander</i>
after we saw<i> Astro Blaster?</i>

669
00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:26,708
I remember Burny
missing half of<i> Highlander</i>

670
00:31:26,743 --> 00:31:29,178
because he was feeling up
Susie Bukachyk the whole time.

671
00:31:29,213 --> 00:31:30,984
Eh, Bukachyk's so Catholic,

672
00:31:31,020 --> 00:31:32,854
she only let me touch
her left titty.

673
00:31:32,889 --> 00:31:35,058
That's why he calls her
the "Kurgan."

674
00:31:35,094 --> 00:31:36,286
Why?

675
00:31:36,321 --> 00:31:37,723
[dramatic voice]
"There can be only one!"

676
00:31:37,759 --> 00:31:39,154
- [laughs]
- S...

677
00:31:39,189 --> 00:31:40,889
- Sorry.
- It's starting.

678
00:31:40,925 --> 00:31:42,493
[chuckles]

679
00:31:43,700 --> 00:31:45,733
<i> ♪ Astro Blaster ♪</i>

680
00:31:45,768 --> 00:31:47,166
<i> ♪ And the Beavermen ♪</i>

681
00:31:47,202 --> 00:31:50,600
["Astro Blaster
and the Beavermen" playing]

682
00:31:56,075 --> 00:31:58,708
<i> ♪ Astro Blaster ♪</i>

683
00:31:58,743 --> 00:32:01,248
<i> ♪ Friend to the Beavermen</i>
<i> and the Beaverwomen ♪</i>

684
00:32:05,788 --> 00:32:07,490
[whispers]
It's Jessica Court.

685
00:32:07,525 --> 00:32:09,151
[Burny chuckles lightly]

686
00:32:09,186 --> 00:32:10,389
[whispers] Watch this.

687
00:32:11,724 --> 00:32:13,021
[thuds]

688
00:32:13,057 --> 00:32:14,890
You got Burned.

689
00:32:14,925 --> 00:32:16,223
Burny!

690
00:32:16,259 --> 00:32:17,692
Who the hell is this?

691
00:32:17,728 --> 00:32:20,536
Oh, this is Burny.
I graduated with his brother.

692
00:32:20,572 --> 00:32:22,838
Uh, Burny, this is Randi.

693
00:32:22,873 --> 00:32:25,837
- Where are you from, hon?
- "Hon"?

694
00:32:25,873 --> 00:32:27,508
I'm from the Bay Area.

695
00:32:27,543 --> 00:32:29,037
Bay Avenue?

696
00:32:29,073 --> 00:32:30,370
San Francisco.

697
00:32:30,405 --> 00:32:31,609
Oh, we met at school.

698
00:32:31,645 --> 00:32:32,943
Ah.

699
00:32:32,978 --> 00:32:34,584
So, how's college?

700
00:32:34,619 --> 00:32:36,543
Is it all orgies in the dorms?

701
00:32:36,578 --> 00:32:38,388
Dorms?
We don't live in the dorms.

702
00:32:38,424 --> 00:32:39,616
- My God.
- Shh.

703
00:32:42,091 --> 00:32:44,759
I'm Damocles of the Beavermen,
damn it!

704
00:32:44,794 --> 00:32:46,920
And that means one damn thing.

705
00:32:49,434 --> 00:32:50,962
I rule the beaver.

706
00:32:50,997 --> 00:32:52,497
You haven't seen this yet?

707
00:32:53,734 --> 00:32:55,064
No. Did you?

708
00:32:55,099 --> 00:32:57,264
Yeah. It's stupid.

709
00:32:57,299 --> 00:32:59,202
Like, stupid fun?

710
00:32:59,237 --> 00:33:01,712
Eh. Mm,
it's not as stupid fun

711
00:33:01,747 --> 00:33:04,648
as you and me
making out to<i> Goonies.</i>

712
00:33:04,683 --> 00:33:07,240
Oh. And it was
in the same theater.

713
00:33:07,276 --> 00:33:08,776
- Yeah.
- Hmm.

714
00:33:08,811 --> 00:33:10,816
Maybe we should take
a little walk down memory lane

715
00:33:10,852 --> 00:33:12,115
in the back row, huh?

716
00:33:12,151 --> 00:33:13,613
- No way.
- [chuckles]

717
00:33:13,649 --> 00:33:15,158
I'm here with Randi
and Barbara.

718
00:33:15,193 --> 00:33:16,552
So?

719
00:33:16,588 --> 00:33:18,853
I'm here with Brian and Bells.
Who gives a shit?

720
00:33:20,128 --> 00:33:22,527
- You know you wanna.
- [taps chair]

721
00:33:28,435 --> 00:33:30,566
- [whispers indistinctly]
- [groans, mutters]

722
00:33:30,601 --> 00:33:33,774
Excuse me. I'm gonna be,
uh, just right back.

723
00:33:33,810 --> 00:33:35,303
You're just flat leaving us?

724
00:33:35,339 --> 00:33:37,146
Is there a Brian David here?

725
00:33:38,512 --> 00:33:40,982
- I'm looking for Brian David.
- [audience shushes]

726
00:33:41,017 --> 00:33:44,179
Holy shit,
I can't hear the movie!

727
00:33:44,214 --> 00:33:46,449
Eat shit, asshole!

728
00:33:46,484 --> 00:33:47,781
- Brian David.
- [audience clamors]

729
00:33:47,816 --> 00:33:50,417
Come see the manager
in the lobby, ASAP.

730
00:33:50,453 --> 00:33:52,923
Brian David. Brian David.

731
00:33:52,958 --> 00:33:53,954
Should I go?

732
00:33:55,729 --> 00:33:56,825
Godspeed.

733
00:33:58,734 --> 00:34:00,431
[chair rattles]

734
00:34:00,466 --> 00:34:03,139
I'm terrified
by what's about to happen.

735
00:34:08,337 --> 00:34:10,639
Uh, I'm Brian David.

736
00:34:10,674 --> 00:34:13,014
So I'm on the phone
with my Paramount rep.

737
00:34:13,049 --> 00:34:14,344
That's Paramount Pictures,
mind you.

738
00:34:14,380 --> 00:34:16,382
<i> Godfather,</i>
<i> Godfather Part II.</i>

739
00:34:16,417 --> 00:34:18,655
And all of a sudden,
the operator interrupts us

740
00:34:18,690 --> 00:34:21,216
with an emergency breakthrough

741
00:34:21,251 --> 00:34:22,422
from your mother.

742
00:34:24,024 --> 00:34:26,625
Mom, uh, w-what's wrong?

743
00:34:26,660 --> 00:34:30,157
You are giving this cat a bath
when you get home tonight.

744
00:34:31,026 --> 00:34:34,363
You made an emergency
breakthrough to tell me that?

745
00:34:34,398 --> 00:34:36,369
That's how filthy this cat is!

746
00:34:36,405 --> 00:34:39,810
Cats are self-cleaning, Ma,
and they hate water.

747
00:34:39,845 --> 00:34:42,344
No, that's only in cartoons,
Brian.

748
00:34:42,379 --> 00:34:46,882
Okay, I'll give the cat a bath
when I get home, um, I promise.

749
00:34:46,918 --> 00:34:48,677
- But I gotta go.
-<i> Oh, okay!</i>

750
00:34:48,713 --> 00:34:51,217
Big important man
doesn't have time to talk

751
00:34:51,252 --> 00:34:53,849
to his mother
who gave birth to him.

752
00:34:53,884 --> 00:34:56,918
You know, I lost one
before you and one after you.

753
00:34:56,954 --> 00:34:59,193
I can't really talk about
my dead ghost siblings, Ma.

754
00:34:59,228 --> 00:35:01,195
The manager is waiting
for his phone back.

755
00:35:01,230 --> 00:35:03,061
Well, I was waiting
for a thank-you note

756
00:35:03,097 --> 00:35:04,659
from your cousin Allison,

757
00:35:04,694 --> 00:35:06,595
which just came
in the mail today.

758
00:35:06,631 --> 00:35:08,904
<i> I sent a wedding present</i>
<i> to that dummy</i>

759
00:35:08,940 --> 00:35:11,200
<i> after she eloped</i>
<i> with some twerp.</i>

760
00:35:11,235 --> 00:35:12,766
Listen to this BS!

761
00:35:12,801 --> 00:35:14,372
Pardon my French,
Blessed Mother.

762
00:35:14,407 --> 00:35:16,604
Listen to this.
"Dear Aunt Grace,

763
00:35:16,639 --> 00:35:18,278
Thank you
for the wedding present.

764
00:35:18,313 --> 00:35:20,783
<i> We love the bed linens</i>
<i> from Bradley's,</i>

765
00:35:20,818 --> 00:35:22,383
<i>but when we opened the package,</i>

766
00:35:22,418 --> 00:35:25,254
<i> there were two fitted sheets</i>
<i> and no top sheet.</i>

767
00:35:25,290 --> 00:35:28,884
It's a little hard to sleep
between two fitted sheets,

768
00:35:28,919 --> 00:35:32,289
so we're gonna bring them back
and get a correct set.

769
00:35:32,324 --> 00:35:34,588
Thank you so much, Allison."

770
00:35:34,624 --> 00:35:36,460
[scoffs]
"It's a little hard

771
00:35:36,495 --> 00:35:38,097
to sleep between
two fitted sheets."

772
00:35:38,132 --> 00:35:39,462
Well, then don't get married!

773
00:35:39,498 --> 00:35:41,201
Ma, the manager's
staring at me

774
00:35:41,237 --> 00:35:42,972
because, uh,
we're tying up the phone.

775
00:35:43,007 --> 00:35:45,037
Well, tell him
to hold his horses.

776
00:35:45,073 --> 00:35:46,469
I'm not telling him that.

777
00:35:46,504 --> 00:35:48,809
You don't have to.
I can hear her.

778
00:35:48,844 --> 00:35:51,146
He can hear you, Ma.

779
00:35:51,181 --> 00:35:53,583
That means both of you
can hear me when I say,

780
00:35:53,618 --> 00:35:55,413
"Get off the phone

781
00:35:55,448 --> 00:35:58,214
or I'm ejecting you
from the theater!"

782
00:35:58,249 --> 00:35:59,414
I gotta go, Ma.

783
00:35:59,449 --> 00:36:01,120
Well, I love you, tiger.

784
00:36:01,155 --> 00:36:02,449
Okay, I'll see you tonight.

785
00:36:02,484 --> 00:36:04,083
Oh, okay, Fonzie.

786
00:36:04,119 --> 00:36:06,387
Too cool to say "I love you"
back to your mother?

787
00:36:06,422 --> 00:36:07,656
I'm in public, Ma.

788
00:36:07,692 --> 00:36:10,591
Oh, I did 18 hours of labor
in public

789
00:36:10,626 --> 00:36:12,164
bringing you into this world.

790
00:36:12,199 --> 00:36:14,770
Tell her you love her, Fonzie.

791
00:36:14,805 --> 00:36:16,701
I love you. Goodbye, Ma.

792
00:36:18,604 --> 00:36:21,772
Sorry, uh, my mom's
mad at my cousin.

793
00:36:21,807 --> 00:36:25,578
I don't care about
your family ties,
Alex P. Keaton.

794
00:36:25,613 --> 00:36:28,345
This isn't the party line
where the action never stops

795
00:36:28,380 --> 00:36:31,115
for 89 cents a minute. This...

796
00:36:31,150 --> 00:36:33,021
is a business phone.

797
00:36:33,057 --> 00:36:36,354
And that business
is show business,

798
00:36:36,389 --> 00:36:39,795
as in lights, camera,
and action.

799
00:36:39,831 --> 00:36:41,994
- [phone rings]
- Oh. See?

800
00:36:42,030 --> 00:36:43,825
People trying to call.

801
00:36:43,861 --> 00:36:46,002
Atlantic Cinemas,
where the movies come to play.

802
00:36:46,038 --> 00:36:48,199
Manager Mike speaking.
How can I help you?

803
00:36:48,234 --> 00:36:49,305
It's your mother again.

804
00:36:50,468 --> 00:36:52,203
- Hello?
- You hung up.

805
00:36:52,238 --> 00:36:53,633
I thought we were done.

806
00:36:53,669 --> 00:36:55,010
Since when don't you wait

807
00:36:55,046 --> 00:36:57,143
to hear me say
"I love you too"?

808
00:36:57,178 --> 00:36:59,038
The manager was staring at me.

809
00:36:59,073 --> 00:37:01,113
You could be riding
your bike home tonight

810
00:37:01,149 --> 00:37:02,944
and get run over by a bus.

811
00:37:02,980 --> 00:37:05,547
And as you die there
in the gutter, you'd realize

812
00:37:05,582 --> 00:37:07,453
that you missed your last chance

813
00:37:07,488 --> 00:37:10,320
to hear your only mother say
"I love you."

814
00:37:10,355 --> 00:37:12,458
Ah-- I don't want that!

815
00:37:12,493 --> 00:37:14,462
You don't want what?
Me to get hit by a bus

816
00:37:14,498 --> 00:37:17,364
or me to have regrets when I die
from getting hit by a bus?

817
00:37:17,399 --> 00:37:19,363
Christopher Columbus!
I don't even wanna think

818
00:37:19,398 --> 00:37:20,796
about you getting hit by a bus!

819
00:37:20,831 --> 00:37:22,739
Well, then why'd you say--
Can I go now?

820
00:37:22,774 --> 00:37:24,336
[sighs]
How's the movie?

821
00:37:25,039 --> 00:37:28,201
I don't know!
Because I've been on the phone
with you the whole time.

822
00:37:28,910 --> 00:37:30,077
Who's that?

823
00:37:30,112 --> 00:37:31,848
- Your son.
- The short one?

824
00:37:31,883 --> 00:37:33,515
- [gasps]
- Oh, my God.

825
00:37:33,550 --> 00:37:36,748
Crumbs! You think he's not
self-conscious enough already?

826
00:37:36,784 --> 00:37:39,021
- I thought he was
at the movies.
- He's there now.

827
00:37:39,057 --> 00:37:41,016
Ask him if the movie
is any good.

828
00:37:41,052 --> 00:37:43,692
Your father wants to know
if your movie's good or not.

829
00:37:43,728 --> 00:37:45,427
I don't know,

830
00:37:45,463 --> 00:37:48,493
because I've been on the phone
with you the whole time.

831
00:37:48,529 --> 00:37:51,328
Listen, I-I love you,
but I gotta go.

832
00:37:51,363 --> 00:37:53,269
I love you too, tiger.

833
00:37:53,304 --> 00:37:56,563
W-w-w-w-whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, what about me?

834
00:37:56,598 --> 00:37:58,272
Yes, I love you too.

835
00:37:58,307 --> 00:38:00,171
Ah, not that.
What does Igor say?

836
00:38:00,207 --> 00:38:02,206
I'm in public, Dad.

837
00:38:02,242 --> 00:38:03,775
What does Igor say?

838
00:38:06,985 --> 00:38:09,882
[as Igor]
Good night, Master.

839
00:38:09,918 --> 00:38:10,950
[chuckles]

840
00:38:10,985 --> 00:38:12,789
[both laugh]

841
00:38:12,824 --> 00:38:14,453
I made him do the Igor.

842
00:38:14,489 --> 00:38:17,125
You're not from around here,
stranger.

843
00:38:17,161 --> 00:38:19,791
Why, you don't even have
buck teeth.

844
00:38:21,632 --> 00:38:23,523
Or a tail.

845
00:38:23,559 --> 00:38:25,262
I'm from Earth.

846
00:38:25,297 --> 00:38:26,693
You're from Earth?

847
00:38:26,728 --> 00:38:28,737
Yes. I'm Astro Blaster.

848
00:38:28,772 --> 00:38:30,196
Astro Blaster?

849
00:38:30,232 --> 00:38:33,368
Yeah. I'm the drummer
in a Van Halen cover band.

850
00:38:33,404 --> 00:38:36,742
[Burny panting]

851
00:38:39,276 --> 00:38:42,942
Man, my mom made
an emergency breakthrough
to talk about the cat.

852
00:38:42,977 --> 00:38:44,981
[scoffs]
Can you believe that shit?

853
00:38:47,224 --> 00:38:48,919
I said,
"can you believe that shit?"

854
00:38:51,119 --> 00:38:52,956
She called to tell me
how she give the cat--

855
00:38:54,525 --> 00:38:55,889
Oh, my God, you guys--

856
00:38:55,924 --> 00:38:57,823
You guys were doing it
right here?

857
00:38:57,859 --> 00:39:00,060
I-in front of Astro Blaster?

858
00:39:00,096 --> 00:39:02,905
- A-and the Beavermen? Oh!
- [chair rattles]

859
00:39:02,940 --> 00:39:05,237
In a Van Halen cover band?

860
00:39:05,272 --> 00:39:07,677
Yes. It's a big deal.

861
00:39:07,713 --> 00:39:09,142
It's a big deal?

862
00:39:09,177 --> 00:39:11,308
Yeah, I just said that.

863
00:39:11,344 --> 00:39:12,979
You just said that.

864
00:39:13,015 --> 00:39:14,942
[chair rattles]

865
00:39:14,977 --> 00:39:17,076
Burny's having sex
during the movie.

866
00:39:17,111 --> 00:39:18,982
The guy's got
no respect for cinema.

867
00:39:21,122 --> 00:39:22,315
Am I right, Bells?

868
00:39:23,653 --> 00:39:26,462
- Bells?
- [snoring]

869
00:39:29,397 --> 00:39:31,799
- [grunting]
- [chair rattling]

870
00:39:31,835 --> 00:39:34,803
[panting]

871
00:39:34,839 --> 00:39:36,736
[gulping] Mmm.

872
00:39:40,239 --> 00:39:43,545
[slurping]

873
00:39:45,344 --> 00:39:46,482
What'd I miss?

874
00:39:48,752 --> 00:39:49,683
Jesus.

875
00:39:52,814 --> 00:39:55,023
Here's the beef, okay?

876
00:39:55,659 --> 00:39:59,555
We've nearly depleted our entire
strategic popcorn supply.

877
00:39:59,591 --> 00:40:00,893
Do you know what that means?

878
00:40:00,929 --> 00:40:01,964
No.

879
00:40:01,999 --> 00:40:03,957
That means I have to call

880
00:40:03,992 --> 00:40:06,726
every theater
in a ten-mile radius

881
00:40:06,761 --> 00:40:08,465
offering crazy money

882
00:40:08,501 --> 00:40:10,834
to buy their crappy popcorn,

883
00:40:10,869 --> 00:40:14,343
only to get laughed at
and mocked by managers

884
00:40:14,378 --> 00:40:18,006
telling me I can't hack it
in the movie biz.

885
00:40:18,041 --> 00:40:21,144
But just when scuzzy old
Strathmore Cinema--

886
00:40:21,180 --> 00:40:23,986
the home of the cruddiest
corn in the country--
is saying yes,

887
00:40:24,022 --> 00:40:26,921
and I am swallowing my pride

888
00:40:26,957 --> 00:40:28,990
to close a deal,

889
00:40:29,025 --> 00:40:30,185
all of a sudden...

890
00:40:33,064 --> 00:40:35,124
I get an emergency breakthrough.

891
00:40:35,858 --> 00:40:37,428
I'm really sorry
about my mom.

892
00:40:37,464 --> 00:40:39,266
It's not your mom this time.

893
00:40:39,301 --> 00:40:41,666
Hey, hey.
Have fun. Don't run.

894
00:40:41,701 --> 00:40:44,536
- Hello?
- Hey, Brian, it's Melody.

895
00:40:44,572 --> 00:40:46,232
I'm sorry
to call you like this.

896
00:40:46,267 --> 00:40:48,409
- Is something wrong?
-<i> A little. Um,</i>

897
00:40:48,444 --> 00:40:50,238
I can't go to the 4:30 movie
with you

898
00:40:50,273 --> 00:40:52,248
because my mom says
I gotta stay home for supper.

899
00:40:52,283 --> 00:40:53,945
But she said I can go
after I eat.

900
00:40:54,576 --> 00:40:55,746
Yeah?

901
00:40:55,781 --> 00:40:58,043
Okay, that's--
that's awesome, uh...

902
00:40:58,079 --> 00:40:59,786
<i> Bucklick</i> plays again at 7:15.

903
00:40:59,822 --> 00:41:03,324
I'll be there around 7:00,
as soon as I'm done with dinner.

904
00:41:03,360 --> 00:41:04,921
You want me to bring you
a pork chop?

905
00:41:04,956 --> 00:41:06,953
[lisping]
"Pork chopsh and appleshaush.

906
00:41:06,988 --> 00:41:08,663
Isn't that shwell?" [chuckles]

907
00:41:10,493 --> 00:41:12,464
What?

908
00:41:12,499 --> 00:41:14,295
That's from<i> The Brady Bunch.</i>

909
00:41:14,330 --> 00:41:18,604
Wow. You sure know a lot
about movies and TV shows.

910
00:41:18,640 --> 00:41:21,404
Hey, I'll see you "latey,"
Peter Brady.

911
00:41:21,440 --> 00:41:22,809
Bye. [chuckles]

912
00:41:26,575 --> 00:41:28,715
Sorry.

913
00:41:28,750 --> 00:41:30,982
[imitating Brian]
"Pork chops and applesauce."

914
00:41:31,822 --> 00:41:32,852
God.

915
00:41:36,122 --> 00:41:38,427
Worst moment of your life
was the day your mom found out

916
00:41:38,462 --> 00:41:40,955
she could make
an emergency breakthrough.

917
00:41:40,991 --> 00:41:43,792
That wasn't my mom.
That was Melody.

918
00:41:43,827 --> 00:41:45,962
She called you at the movies?

919
00:41:45,997 --> 00:41:48,261
[As Jessica Walters]
"Oh, play Misty for me."

920
00:41:48,297 --> 00:41:50,566
She did tell me she can't come
to the 4:30 movie.

921
00:41:50,601 --> 00:41:52,175
Oh, yeah? Good.

922
00:41:52,210 --> 00:41:53,772
So she's coming
to the 7:15 show.

923
00:41:53,807 --> 00:41:56,240
What? Now she's coming
to<i> Dental School?</i>

924
00:41:56,275 --> 00:41:58,414
There's gonna be
a ton of titties
in that movie, all right?

925
00:41:58,450 --> 00:42:00,172
I'm not trying to be
looking at naked ladies

926
00:42:00,208 --> 00:42:02,082
while I'm sitting next
to a girl.

927
00:42:02,117 --> 00:42:05,145
Well, I was gonna say
we could go to the 4:30 movie
of<i> Dental School,</i>

928
00:42:05,180 --> 00:42:07,653
and then we all see
<i>Bucklick</i> at 7:15.

929
00:42:07,689 --> 00:42:10,292
Why are we moving
the schedule around

930
00:42:10,327 --> 00:42:12,823
for Melody Barnegat?
Hmm? [scoffs]

931
00:42:12,858 --> 00:42:15,389
We're supposed to be
seeing movies today.

932
00:42:16,359 --> 00:42:18,794
You see a lot of this movie
from behind Jessica Court

933
00:42:18,830 --> 00:42:20,359
- or what?
- Okay. S-s-s-see,

934
00:42:20,395 --> 00:42:23,201
that's different, okay?
That wasn't planned.

935
00:42:23,237 --> 00:42:25,702
That's what you'll say about
the kid she's gonna have
in nine months.

936
00:42:25,738 --> 00:42:28,870
Ch'yeah, right.
I wore a rubber.

937
00:42:28,906 --> 00:42:30,770
Who brings rubbers
to the movies?

938
00:42:30,806 --> 00:42:32,643
- I do.
- Why?

939
00:42:32,679 --> 00:42:34,976
Because what if
the movie sucks?

940
00:42:35,011 --> 00:42:37,713
You walk out.
You don't pull out.

941
00:42:37,748 --> 00:42:39,682
If I'm wearing a rubber,

942
00:42:39,717 --> 00:42:41,591
why would I pull out?

943
00:42:46,092 --> 00:42:49,362
There's a damn force field
around that damn fortress.

944
00:42:49,397 --> 00:42:51,067
We need to bail out now.

945
00:42:51,102 --> 00:42:52,992
I'm not coming, Damocles.

946
00:42:53,027 --> 00:42:54,570
What in the damn hell?

947
00:42:54,605 --> 00:42:56,296
Look, we only got one shot
at this, all right?

948
00:42:56,331 --> 00:42:58,007
So I'm gonna stay here
and steer the ship.

949
00:42:58,042 --> 00:42:59,902
Damn it, man! Why?

950
00:42:59,938 --> 00:43:01,837
Back on Earth,
I'm just a drummer

951
00:43:01,872 --> 00:43:03,877
in a Van Halen cover band, man.

952
00:43:03,912 --> 00:43:08,550
Okay, but here in space,
I can be so much more, Damocles.

953
00:43:08,585 --> 00:43:10,815
I can be the kind of guy
I always wanted to be.

954
00:43:10,851 --> 00:43:13,348
I can be the kind of guy
they call a hero.

955
00:43:13,383 --> 00:43:17,426
Well, since you've made
your damn mind up about it,

956
00:43:17,461 --> 00:43:21,089
then I, Damocles
of the Beavermen,

957
00:43:21,125 --> 00:43:24,531
do hereby swear by
the eternal Morning Wood

958
00:43:24,566 --> 00:43:27,097
that you,
Astro Blaster of Earth,

959
00:43:27,132 --> 00:43:31,531
are the bravest damn hero
in the damn galaxy.

960
00:43:31,566 --> 00:43:34,710
Where I'm from, there's a name
for people like that.

961
00:43:35,741 --> 00:43:37,141
They're called Americans.

962
00:43:38,446 --> 00:43:41,715
Van Halen cover band!

963
00:43:41,751 --> 00:43:44,183
I'm gonna wake up Belly.
The movie's almost over,

964
00:43:44,218 --> 00:43:46,887
so he's gotta go hide
in the bathroom
before the lights come up.

965
00:43:50,754 --> 00:43:52,385
Get off my bacon!

966
00:43:52,421 --> 00:43:54,630
- Nobody's after your bacon.
- [Brian sighs]

967
00:43:54,666 --> 00:43:56,960
Go hide in the bathroom,
meet us in<i> Dental School.</i>

968
00:43:56,995 --> 00:43:58,767
But then I'll miss the end
of the movie.

969
00:43:58,802 --> 00:44:01,365
So? You already slept
through half of it anyways.

970
00:44:01,400 --> 00:44:02,768
Now go.

971
00:44:02,803 --> 00:44:04,564
And don't let
Manager Mike see you.

972
00:44:07,241 --> 00:44:08,304
Stealth.

973
00:44:11,239 --> 00:44:13,647
[chuckles]
I love this part. Look.

974
00:44:13,682 --> 00:44:17,447
A drummer always does it
for the beaver.

975
00:44:17,483 --> 00:44:21,155
[flushing]

976
00:44:21,190 --> 00:44:22,487
[door opens]

977
00:44:22,523 --> 00:44:24,622
[indistinct chatter]

978
00:44:24,657 --> 00:44:26,454
[door creaks, closes]

979
00:44:39,835 --> 00:44:44,043
[chuckling]

980
00:44:52,155 --> 00:44:53,723
"Sex poo."

981
00:45:03,861 --> 00:45:05,267
[belt buckle jingling]

982
00:45:05,302 --> 00:45:07,795
[Belly gasping, panting]

983
00:45:07,831 --> 00:45:09,337
For the beaver!

984
00:45:09,373 --> 00:45:10,939
<i> ♪ Astro Blaster! ♪</i>

985
00:45:10,974 --> 00:45:13,807
- [yells] Van Halen!
-<i> ♪ And the Beavermen, aah ♪</i>

986
00:45:13,842 --> 00:45:17,637
- [music continues]
-<i> Van Halen! Van Halen!</i>

987
00:45:20,016 --> 00:45:22,411
Why do we always have to sit
through these stupid credits?

988
00:45:23,588 --> 00:45:25,612
Remember when we saw
<i>Young Sherlock Holmes?</i>

989
00:45:25,647 --> 00:45:27,851
And at the end of the credits
they had one more scene?

990
00:45:27,887 --> 00:45:29,819
That was one
in a million movies,

991
00:45:29,854 --> 00:45:31,321
and that flick flopped.

992
00:45:31,357 --> 00:45:33,020
So they're never gonna be
doing an after-credits scene

993
00:45:33,055 --> 00:45:34,423
in a movie ever again.

994
00:45:36,300 --> 00:45:38,361
See? Waste of time.

995
00:45:41,272 --> 00:45:42,738
We're going for snacks?

996
00:45:42,773 --> 00:45:44,738
- What if Manager Mike sees us?
- Screw that guy.

997
00:45:44,773 --> 00:45:46,665
He's probably porkin'
the popcorn.

998
00:45:46,701 --> 00:45:49,541
Huh? Bopping your baloney
in a public bathroom?!

999
00:45:49,577 --> 00:45:50,910
Open the door, Tommy.

1000
00:45:50,945 --> 00:45:53,877
Mashing your monkey?!
Noodling your nugget?!

1001
00:45:53,913 --> 00:45:56,184
You are banned for life,
playboy.

1002
00:45:56,220 --> 00:45:57,787
You disgust me!

1003
00:46:00,248 --> 00:46:02,523
Masturbating in a public area

1004
00:46:02,558 --> 00:46:05,190
is only fun for one person.

1005
00:46:06,121 --> 00:46:07,390
Write that down, Philip.

1006
00:46:13,896 --> 00:46:15,772
[no audio]

1007
00:46:19,036 --> 00:46:20,436
[muffled]
Meet me out back.

1008
00:46:22,478 --> 00:46:24,079
Meet me out back...

1009
00:46:24,114 --> 00:46:25,573
again.

1010
00:46:31,750 --> 00:46:33,218
Enjoy the movie.

1011
00:46:35,554 --> 00:46:36,949
Dick.

1012
00:46:36,985 --> 00:46:38,518
[scoffs] Hi.

1013
00:46:38,553 --> 00:46:40,963
Go away, little girl.
This movie's rated R.

1014
00:46:41,732 --> 00:46:45,360
I know. I just wanted
to ask a question.

1015
00:46:45,395 --> 00:46:47,096
Why are you talking to me?
No one talks to me.

1016
00:46:47,131 --> 00:46:48,503
Yeah, b-but,
I mean, but you--

1017
00:46:48,538 --> 00:46:50,103
Is it awesome to work here?

1018
00:46:50,138 --> 00:46:53,202
Is it awesome to work here?
No, it sucks to work here.

1019
00:46:53,237 --> 00:46:54,707
But you get to see
all the movies.

1020
00:46:54,742 --> 00:46:57,305
Movies suck.
This movie sucks.

1021
00:46:57,340 --> 00:46:59,110
Half the town
and their mother is here.

1022
00:46:59,145 --> 00:47:01,915
Which is fine,
'cause Americans
have no taste.

1023
00:47:01,951 --> 00:47:04,615
You know why?
'Cause Americans
have no future.

1024
00:47:04,650 --> 00:47:06,447
America sucks.

1025
00:47:06,482 --> 00:47:09,586
Now, please, run along.
Change your diaper.

1026
00:47:09,621 --> 00:47:11,994
- We don't have a future?
[stammers]
- What are you doing?

1027
00:47:12,029 --> 00:47:13,953
- Don't-- [stammers]
- What's going on
with your hands?

1028
00:47:13,988 --> 00:47:15,657
- Why do you think
America sucks?
- You're being really jumpy.

1029
00:47:15,693 --> 00:47:17,963
- Since-since when?
- Why are you coming
so close to me?

1030
00:47:17,999 --> 00:47:19,495
Haven't you even seen
<i> The Day After?</i>

1031
00:47:20,529 --> 00:47:22,969
If Russia decides
to nuke us, we're done.

1032
00:47:23,004 --> 00:47:26,401
Kaput. Kentucky
fried chickens. [exhales]

1033
00:47:26,436 --> 00:47:28,802
And I actually welcome it.
I say bring it.

1034
00:47:28,838 --> 00:47:32,481
Take me now, so I never have
to see<i> Dental School</i> ever again.

1035
00:47:32,516 --> 00:47:33,844
You don't like<i> Dental School?</i>

1036
00:47:33,880 --> 00:47:35,584
I've never actually seen it.

1037
00:47:35,620 --> 00:47:37,916
I just hear it
all day and night.

1038
00:47:37,951 --> 00:47:40,350
You're pulling your pud
in public?

1039
00:47:40,386 --> 00:47:43,623
Public masturbation is only
ever fun for one person

1040
00:47:43,659 --> 00:47:45,620
- at a time.
- Shut up!

1041
00:47:48,827 --> 00:47:51,230
[dramatic music]

1042
00:47:53,695 --> 00:47:55,694
I mean, if Gorby gets
a hot trigger finger,

1043
00:47:55,730 --> 00:47:58,504
we are Canadian bacon
over here in America.

1044
00:47:58,540 --> 00:48:00,774
Just crushed.

1045
00:48:00,809 --> 00:48:03,840
Isn't there a shield
or something?

1046
00:48:03,875 --> 00:48:06,209
[scoffs] A shield?

1047
00:48:06,244 --> 00:48:08,111
You know anything
about Star Wars?

1048
00:48:08,147 --> 00:48:09,784
I know everything
about<i> Star Wars.</i>

1049
00:48:09,819 --> 00:48:11,545
You do? So then
you know everything

1050
00:48:11,580 --> 00:48:13,851
about Reagan's Strategic
Defense Initiative,

1051
00:48:13,886 --> 00:48:15,188
the Star Wars program?

1052
00:48:16,551 --> 00:48:19,820
Oh, um, what?
I thought you meant--

1053
00:48:19,855 --> 00:48:22,692
Oh, oh, you thought I meant
that excruciating space opera.

1054
00:48:22,728 --> 00:48:25,727
No, thank you. You know,
I thank our nonexistent God
every day

1055
00:48:25,762 --> 00:48:28,165
that there will never be
another<i> Star Wars</i> movie made.

1056
00:48:28,200 --> 00:48:30,972
We're-- we're at the end
of<i> Star Wars.</i>

1057
00:48:31,008 --> 00:48:33,833
You know what I mean?
W-what would they do next?

1058
00:48:33,868 --> 00:48:36,910
Go back and start telling us
episode one, two, and three?

1059
00:48:36,945 --> 00:48:38,341
Can you imagine
if they were like,

1060
00:48:38,376 --> 00:48:40,140
"Let's break it up
into little TV series"?

1061
00:48:40,175 --> 00:48:41,543
Pfft. Yeah, right!

1062
00:48:41,578 --> 00:48:44,545
I mean, you gotta be
out of your mind. [laughs]

1063
00:48:44,580 --> 00:48:47,082
Like, "We wanna follow
some side stories

1064
00:48:47,117 --> 00:48:48,681
of small characters."

1065
00:48:48,717 --> 00:48:50,890
Like, "Oh, I wonder
what Boba Fett's doing.

1066
00:48:50,926 --> 00:48:52,186
I wanna invest
my time in that."

1067
00:48:52,221 --> 00:48:54,261
Get out of here!
[laughs]

1068
00:48:54,297 --> 00:48:57,661
I don't care about that stuff!
I don't even like<i> Star Wars.</i>

1069
00:48:57,697 --> 00:48:58,968
Gotta go!

1070
00:48:59,898 --> 00:49:01,263
What an asshole.

1071
00:49:01,299 --> 00:49:02,670
I need you to clean
the men's room.

1072
00:49:02,706 --> 00:49:04,435
Somebody took a shit
in a urinal.

1073
00:49:07,104 --> 00:49:09,044
"Somebody" or you, Mike?

1074
00:49:13,110 --> 00:49:14,944
- [panting]
- Hmm...

1075
00:49:14,980 --> 00:49:16,414
[Burny chuckles] Oh.

1076
00:49:18,152 --> 00:49:20,286
Uh, what happened?
I had him distracted.

1077
00:49:20,321 --> 00:49:23,017
The place was packed.
There's only one seat open.

1078
00:49:23,052 --> 00:49:27,026
Because of you and Melody,
now we can't even see
<i> Dental School!</i>

1079
00:49:27,061 --> 00:49:28,761
You don't hear Belly
belly-aching.

1080
00:49:28,797 --> 00:49:29,960
Because Belly's an idiot.

1081
00:49:29,995 --> 00:49:31,523
No more bacon for Burny.

1082
00:49:31,558 --> 00:49:34,270
So? Do you think
I give a shit?

1083
00:49:34,305 --> 00:49:35,763
[girl] Hey!

1084
00:49:35,798 --> 00:49:38,406
You just said "shit"
in front of my little sister.

1085
00:49:38,442 --> 00:49:39,703
She's only six.

1086
00:49:39,738 --> 00:49:41,038
[scoffs]

1087
00:49:41,073 --> 00:49:43,911
Get out of my face,
four eyes.

1088
00:49:43,946 --> 00:49:46,048
Hey! What are you--
Let go of me!

1089
00:49:46,083 --> 00:49:49,444
- [girls screaming]
- Ow! Stop! Get 'em off of me!

1090
00:49:49,480 --> 00:49:52,146
- [girls screeching]
- [Burny yelling]

1091
00:49:52,181 --> 00:49:54,786
Boys, boys, boys.

1092
00:49:54,822 --> 00:49:56,152
[tense music plays]

1093
00:49:56,187 --> 00:49:57,450
In the words of the tagline

1094
00:49:57,485 --> 00:49:59,257
from the<i> Commando</i> poster,

1095
00:49:59,292 --> 00:50:03,727
"Somewhere, somehow,
someone's going to pay".

1096
00:50:03,763 --> 00:50:05,065
[chuckles]

1097
00:50:05,100 --> 00:50:07,765
What's wrong with you?
Get out! Get-- get out!

1098
00:50:07,801 --> 00:50:09,002
[Brian grunts]

1099
00:50:09,038 --> 00:50:11,266
You Three Stooges
are banned for life!

1100
00:50:11,302 --> 00:50:13,572
[screams]
Suck my left nut!

1101
00:50:13,608 --> 00:50:14,868
Not today.

1102
00:50:16,770 --> 00:50:19,114
- [door closes]
- [yells furiously]

1103
00:50:20,948 --> 00:50:22,310
- [growls]
- Burny, wait!

1104
00:50:22,346 --> 00:50:24,277
- [growls]
- [footsteps tap]

1105
00:50:24,313 --> 00:50:26,481
Stop holding hands!

1106
00:50:26,517 --> 00:50:28,348
Where are you going?
We gotta fix this!

1107
00:50:28,383 --> 00:50:29,623
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

1108
00:50:29,659 --> 00:50:30,826
Because of you two,

1109
00:50:30,861 --> 00:50:32,495
I just got the shit
kicked out of me

1110
00:50:32,530 --> 00:50:34,093
by three little girls.

1111
00:50:34,128 --> 00:50:35,960
Who cares?
We just got banned for life!

1112
00:50:35,995 --> 00:50:37,660
Yeah. Like Danny Banks.

1113
00:50:37,695 --> 00:50:40,296
How am I supposed to take
Melody to see<i> Bucklick</i> now?

1114
00:50:40,332 --> 00:50:42,462
Melody?
Melody, Melody, Melody!

1115
00:50:42,497 --> 00:50:44,034
Man, this is all her fault!

1116
00:50:44,069 --> 00:50:46,439
How? She's not even here!

1117
00:50:46,475 --> 00:50:49,373
'Cause ever since you asked her
to come to the movies with us,

1118
00:50:49,409 --> 00:50:51,471
we've been moving
everything around for her,

1119
00:50:51,506 --> 00:50:52,948
and now we're banned for life.

1120
00:50:52,984 --> 00:50:55,311
[scoffs] We're banned
because you picked a fight

1121
00:50:55,347 --> 00:50:56,775
- with a nine-year-old!
- Bullshit!

1122
00:50:56,811 --> 00:50:59,444
We would be
in that theater right now

1123
00:50:59,480 --> 00:51:01,184
watching<i> Bucklick,</i>

1124
00:51:01,219 --> 00:51:04,055
but you had to invite Melody!

1125
00:51:04,090 --> 00:51:05,960
Holy shit, what?
What the hell

1126
00:51:05,995 --> 00:51:08,327
is your obsession
with Melody Barnegat?

1127
00:51:08,362 --> 00:51:11,700
You're the one obsessed
with Melody Barnegat!

1128
00:51:11,735 --> 00:51:13,729
We just gotta deal with it.

1129
00:51:13,765 --> 00:51:16,906
- Deal with what?!
- That she's
a goddamn sophomore!

1130
00:51:16,941 --> 00:51:19,469
Who cares? Big whoop!
We're goddamn juniors!

1131
00:51:19,505 --> 00:51:22,067
But we're gonna be seniors
in September, Bri.

1132
00:51:22,103 --> 00:51:25,008
And then you'll be all like,
"Oh, Melody's a stupid junior.

1133
00:51:25,044 --> 00:51:28,577
- Doodly doodly doo!"
- No, no, no. Don't--
Don't "doodly doo" me, okay?

1134
00:51:28,612 --> 00:51:30,050
You're the one
that's trying to make out

1135
00:51:30,085 --> 00:51:31,747
with this little
Ewok-looking bitch!

1136
00:51:33,921 --> 00:51:34,986
What are you doing?

1137
00:51:35,022 --> 00:51:36,154
What the hell are you doing?

1138
00:51:36,190 --> 00:51:38,852
- We're gonna fight.
- Oh, yeah.

1139
00:51:38,887 --> 00:51:40,523
- We're gonna fight?
- Yeah, we're gonna fight!

1140
00:51:40,558 --> 00:51:43,895
I'm tired of you
making fun of Melody, okay?

1141
00:51:43,931 --> 00:51:45,667
So put up your dukes.

1142
00:51:45,703 --> 00:51:47,893
Put up my dukes. [laughs]

1143
00:51:47,929 --> 00:51:51,071
If I put up one of my dukes,
I will kill you.

1144
00:51:51,106 --> 00:51:53,435
Come on, guys.
Friends don't fight.

1145
00:51:53,471 --> 00:51:56,877
Friends?!
You call this friendship?

1146
00:51:56,912 --> 00:51:59,045
He cares about
his stupid truck

1147
00:51:59,081 --> 00:52:01,073
more than he cares
about my feelings!

1148
00:52:02,279 --> 00:52:04,648
So let's go. Let's go!

1149
00:52:05,887 --> 00:52:06,980
Fight me. I dare you.

1150
00:52:08,956 --> 00:52:11,421
I don't fight midgets.

1151
00:52:11,456 --> 00:52:13,188
- [punch lands]
- [onlookers shout]

1152
00:52:13,224 --> 00:52:15,023
[breathing shakily]

1153
00:52:15,059 --> 00:52:16,589
You do now.

1154
00:52:16,625 --> 00:52:19,361
- You stupid--
- [woman] Hey!

1155
00:52:19,396 --> 00:52:21,461
[Belly] Hey! Guys! Hey, hey!

1156
00:52:21,496 --> 00:52:23,796
Guys, stop it. Stop it!

1157
00:52:23,831 --> 00:52:26,067
- [grunting]
- Stop! Stop, stop it!

1158
00:52:26,102 --> 00:52:27,372
Stop it!

1159
00:52:27,407 --> 00:52:30,271
Burny is not obsessed
with Melody Barnegat.

1160
00:52:30,306 --> 00:52:31,537
Thank you, Bells.

1161
00:52:31,572 --> 00:52:32,744
He's threatened by her.

1162
00:52:32,779 --> 00:52:33,916
W-What?

1163
00:52:33,951 --> 00:52:35,279
Why the hell
would I be threatened

1164
00:52:35,315 --> 00:52:36,909
by that little
carpenter's dream?

1165
00:52:36,944 --> 00:52:38,919
She's as flat as a board
and as easy to nail.

1166
00:52:38,955 --> 00:52:41,715
- No, she's not!
- Knock it off.

1167
00:52:41,750 --> 00:52:43,815
Can't you see
Brian idolizes you?

1168
00:52:43,851 --> 00:52:46,088
Idolize Burn Boy?
Oh, I do not.

1169
00:52:46,124 --> 00:52:47,424
Oh, yes, you do.

1170
00:52:47,460 --> 00:52:49,095
You look up to him
because he's confident,

1171
00:52:49,131 --> 00:52:50,559
which is something
you can never be,

1172
00:52:50,594 --> 00:52:51,764
because you think
you're too short.

1173
00:52:51,800 --> 00:52:53,065
He is too short.

1174
00:52:53,100 --> 00:52:54,396
He should be looking at the sky,

1175
00:52:54,431 --> 00:52:56,767
saying "Da plane! Da plane!"

1176
00:52:57,470 --> 00:52:59,172
- Do something!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

1177
00:52:59,208 --> 00:53:00,666
Burny, you keep
running down his dream

1178
00:53:00,701 --> 00:53:02,173
about dating
Melody Barnegat,

1179
00:53:02,208 --> 00:53:03,341
all threatened by the girl,

1180
00:53:03,376 --> 00:53:04,939
just because Brian
is in love with her.

1181
00:53:04,975 --> 00:53:07,473
Whoa, I never said I was
in love with Melody Barnegat.

1182
00:53:07,508 --> 00:53:09,612
Uh, well, you are.

1183
00:53:09,648 --> 00:53:11,251
You've been talking about her
since last summer

1184
00:53:11,286 --> 00:53:13,121
'cause she makes you
feel good about yourself.

1185
00:53:13,157 --> 00:53:15,022
She makes you forget
that you think you're short.

1186
00:53:15,058 --> 00:53:16,618
He is short.
He's a four-foot freak.

1187
00:53:16,654 --> 00:53:19,292
- Oh, and you're
a control freak.
- Yeah!

1188
00:53:19,327 --> 00:53:21,260
So you're afraid Brian's
gonna start spending

1189
00:53:21,295 --> 00:53:23,527
all his time with Melody
instead of you.

1190
00:53:23,562 --> 00:53:25,296
Yeah, but you can't
admit that to yourself

1191
00:53:25,331 --> 00:53:26,859
because you think
being a man

1192
00:53:26,894 --> 00:53:28,666
means being tough
like Major Murder.

1193
00:53:29,964 --> 00:53:31,597
What's tougher
than fighting your friend

1194
00:53:31,632 --> 00:53:32,868
over the woman you love?

1195
00:53:34,805 --> 00:53:36,810
I know you guys think
I'm dumb or something,

1196
00:53:36,845 --> 00:53:38,709
but I am not dumb.

1197
00:53:38,744 --> 00:53:40,477
Okay, I just don't talk
as much as the two of you

1198
00:53:40,513 --> 00:53:42,174
since you guys
never shut the hell up!

1199
00:53:43,080 --> 00:53:44,283
Ah.

1200
00:53:44,318 --> 00:53:45,780
So that gives me
a lot of time to listen,

1201
00:53:45,816 --> 00:53:48,790
and... in all the years
I've been listening,

1202
00:53:48,826 --> 00:53:50,317
here's what I've learned.

1203
00:53:50,353 --> 00:53:51,986
You know movies.

1204
00:53:53,422 --> 00:53:54,959
You know women.

1205
00:53:54,994 --> 00:53:56,489
Yeah, I do.

1206
00:53:56,525 --> 00:53:58,396
But I know you guys

1207
00:53:58,432 --> 00:54:01,163
better than the two of you
know yourselves.

1208
00:54:01,198 --> 00:54:05,671
So it's time for you to stop
looking for Burny's approval
on everything.

1209
00:54:05,706 --> 00:54:08,370
It's time for you to start
letting Brian be his own man.

1210
00:54:08,405 --> 00:54:11,136
[scoffs] By all means.

1211
00:54:11,172 --> 00:54:13,542
And it's time both of you
assholes apologize to me

1212
00:54:13,578 --> 00:54:15,216
for making fun
of my mom's bacon

1213
00:54:15,252 --> 00:54:17,418
even though you ate
the shit out of it all day!

1214
00:54:19,349 --> 00:54:20,256
You're right.

1215
00:54:34,067 --> 00:54:36,063
Eh... [scoffs]

1216
00:54:42,878 --> 00:54:45,207
Come on. Burny.

1217
00:54:45,243 --> 00:54:46,507
You're adults!

1218
00:54:46,543 --> 00:54:48,141
Stop touching each other!

1219
00:54:50,921 --> 00:54:53,113
[mellow pop music playing]

1220
00:55:20,146 --> 00:55:22,142
[music continues]

1221
00:55:31,026 --> 00:55:32,658
[vehicle approaching]

1222
00:55:39,860 --> 00:55:42,096
[motorcycle engine stops]

1223
00:56:00,024 --> 00:56:02,614
Hey-- hey, excuse me?
Excuse me?

1224
00:56:02,649 --> 00:56:04,122
Oh, excuse me!

1225
00:56:04,158 --> 00:56:06,423
Holy shit, it is you!

1226
00:56:06,458 --> 00:56:07,990
You're-- you're Major Murder.

1227
00:56:08,725 --> 00:56:10,299
[in character]
At ease, ya sleaze.

1228
00:56:10,334 --> 00:56:11,824
I-I-- I'm your biggest fan.
I gotta be honest.

1229
00:56:11,859 --> 00:56:13,091
Um, I know all your fights.

1230
00:56:13,127 --> 00:56:15,699
That's a major thank you
from Major Murder.

1231
00:56:15,735 --> 00:56:18,132
But, uh, I'm here to see
someone really special.

1232
00:56:19,205 --> 00:56:21,300
[bird squawking]

1233
00:56:22,639 --> 00:56:24,642
Ahh. Is that your daughter?

1234
00:56:24,677 --> 00:56:26,944
[drops character]
My daughter? It's my wife.

1235
00:56:26,980 --> 00:56:30,709
[stammers] I'm sorry, she just
looks a lot younger than you...

1236
00:56:30,744 --> 00:56:32,187
That's depressing.

1237
00:56:32,223 --> 00:56:33,982
Do I really look
that much older than her?

1238
00:56:34,017 --> 00:56:36,181
- Uh...
- Just-- Must be
all the steroids,

1239
00:56:36,217 --> 00:56:38,626
'cause Rosie and I
went to high school together.

1240
00:56:38,662 --> 00:56:40,857
We started dating
when I was a junior
and she was a sophomore.

1241
00:56:40,893 --> 00:56:43,531
All my pals used to razz me
about her being younger.

1242
00:56:43,566 --> 00:56:46,969
Ha. I-I'm sure
you Major Murdered
those guys, huh?

1243
00:56:47,004 --> 00:56:48,865
Actually, I just cried a lot.

1244
00:56:48,901 --> 00:56:51,006
I may not look like it now,
but back in high school,

1245
00:56:51,041 --> 00:56:53,207
I was a very sensitive fat kid.

1246
00:56:53,243 --> 00:56:56,175
- Bullshit.
- No, no, real shit.

1247
00:56:56,211 --> 00:56:57,704
You know, my name's Albert,

1248
00:56:57,740 --> 00:56:59,311
so I'd get called Fat Albert

1249
00:56:59,347 --> 00:57:01,310
because of the cartoon?
[laughs]

1250
00:57:01,346 --> 00:57:02,875
Ah, Bill Cosby.

1251
00:57:02,910 --> 00:57:04,346
Now that's an American treasure.

1252
00:57:04,381 --> 00:57:06,054
[chuckles] Ah,

1253
00:57:06,090 --> 00:57:08,683
that man will always
be beloved.

1254
00:57:08,719 --> 00:57:10,083
So you know,
back in high school,

1255
00:57:10,118 --> 00:57:12,023
I was always very sensitive
about my weight.

1256
00:57:12,059 --> 00:57:14,393
But Rosie...

1257
00:57:14,429 --> 00:57:16,561
she always made me forget
I was fat.

1258
00:57:16,596 --> 00:57:18,695
She always made me
feel like I was thin.

1259
00:57:18,730 --> 00:57:20,730
So you made her
Mrs. Major Murder?

1260
00:57:20,765 --> 00:57:23,162
Well, actually,
Mrs. Albert Holstein.

1261
00:57:23,197 --> 00:57:25,669
Major Murder's real name
is Albert Holstein?

1262
00:57:25,705 --> 00:57:28,767
Yeah. Uh, and a Holstein
is a kind of cow?

1263
00:57:28,802 --> 00:57:30,203
So, uh, you know,

1264
00:57:30,238 --> 00:57:32,410
in high school, there was
a lot of, uh, cow names.

1265
00:57:32,445 --> 00:57:34,745
- Cow names?
- Yeah, like,

1266
00:57:34,780 --> 00:57:38,449
the Moo Man, you know,
Mr. Steak, Udder Buddy.

1267
00:57:38,484 --> 00:57:39,884
You know,
I'd get Hugh Heifer.

1268
00:57:41,090 --> 00:57:43,452
I'd get, uh, Pasture Ass.

1269
00:57:43,488 --> 00:57:45,518
I-I'd get Milky Tits.

1270
00:57:45,553 --> 00:57:47,394
Cow Pie.

1271
00:57:47,429 --> 00:57:50,427
Yeah, just a lot
of cow-themed cruelty.

1272
00:57:50,462 --> 00:57:51,896
[Burny smacks lips] Ah.

1273
00:57:57,507 --> 00:57:59,672
- Hey. Thanks for being a fan.
- [shakes hand]

1274
00:57:59,708 --> 00:58:02,170
And, uh, please don't tell
anybody how I really talk.

1275
00:58:03,509 --> 00:58:05,145
Uh, or about the cow names.

1276
00:58:05,180 --> 00:58:08,814
[military music plays]

1277
00:58:11,349 --> 00:58:12,444
Yo, Major.

1278
00:58:14,151 --> 00:58:17,325
You gonna go storm those cheeks
like it's Omaha Beach?

1279
00:58:17,360 --> 00:58:19,218
[in character]
If you have to ask,

1280
00:58:19,253 --> 00:58:22,025
then you ain't up
to the task, soldier!

1281
00:58:24,361 --> 00:58:27,395
♪♪

1282
00:58:27,431 --> 00:58:28,427
[chuckles]

1283
00:58:48,453 --> 00:58:49,690
[sighs deeply]

1284
00:58:54,855 --> 00:58:55,960
[lighter flicks]

1285
00:59:01,300 --> 00:59:02,494
[exhales]

1286
00:59:10,642 --> 00:59:12,376
What are you doing back here?

1287
00:59:12,412 --> 00:59:14,646
Your ass is banned.

1288
00:59:14,681 --> 00:59:16,717
Which means my life
is pretty much over.

1289
00:59:18,854 --> 00:59:21,183
So I'm just thinking about
hurling myself down the stairs.

1290
00:59:22,555 --> 00:59:24,252
Who are you, Father Karras?

1291
00:59:26,856 --> 00:59:28,795
Is that an<i> Exorcist</i> joke?

1292
00:59:28,831 --> 00:59:31,166
Well, it's not an<i> Exorcist II:</i>
<i> The Heretic</i> joke.

1293
00:59:31,201 --> 00:59:32,832
I respect John Boorman too much.

1294
00:59:34,534 --> 00:59:36,033
You know who John Boorman is?

1295
00:59:38,038 --> 00:59:43,040
<i> Anáil nathrach</i>
<i> orth bhais betha,</i>
<i> do cheol déanta.</i>

1296
00:59:44,738 --> 00:59:46,175
Holy shit.

1297
00:59:51,945 --> 00:59:53,182
The Charm of Making.

1298
00:59:54,520 --> 00:59:55,487
You've seen<i> Excalibur?</i>

1299
00:59:55,522 --> 00:59:58,018
You think I make
$3.05 an hour

1300
00:59:58,054 --> 00:59:59,919
because I can't get
a real job?

1301
00:59:59,955 --> 01:00:01,987
Movies are my life, dude.

1302
01:00:02,022 --> 01:00:03,529
That's why you work here.

1303
01:00:03,565 --> 01:00:05,696
No. That's why
I'm leaving here.

1304
01:00:05,731 --> 01:00:07,530
I'm moving to Providence
next week.

1305
01:00:07,566 --> 01:00:08,901
What's in Providence?

1306
01:00:09,771 --> 01:00:12,239
I'm gonna the Rhode Island
School of Design,

1307
01:00:12,274 --> 01:00:13,703
like Martha Coolidge.

1308
01:00:13,738 --> 01:00:16,334
Martha Coolidge, the director?

1309
01:00:16,370 --> 01:00:18,675
Yeah. You know
who Martha Coolidge is?

1310
01:00:18,710 --> 01:00:20,677
Yeah. Movies are my life too.

1311
01:00:20,712 --> 01:00:22,250
<i>Valley Girl</i> is in my top ten.

1312
01:00:22,286 --> 01:00:24,077
That guy, Nic Cage,
is a genius.

1313
01:00:24,113 --> 01:00:25,553
- Yeah.
- Have you seen<i> Birdy?</i>

1314
01:00:25,589 --> 01:00:27,782
Oh, yeah, I've seen
every Alan Parker film.

1315
01:00:27,818 --> 01:00:29,589
You know who Alan Parker is?

1316
01:00:29,625 --> 01:00:33,352
Duh.<i> Fame</i> and<i> The Wall</i>
are so rad.

1317
01:00:33,387 --> 01:00:36,397
But Martha Coolidge, man,
she's my idol.

1318
01:00:36,433 --> 01:00:38,189
I wanna be a director
like her.

1319
01:00:38,224 --> 01:00:39,932
This is--
This is so cool, uh,

1320
01:00:39,968 --> 01:00:42,429
I've never met anyone
who wanted to be
a director before.

1321
01:00:43,403 --> 01:00:44,931
Sure you have.

1322
01:00:44,966 --> 01:00:46,235
Just look in the mirror.

1323
01:00:48,945 --> 01:00:49,843
Me?

1324
01:00:50,608 --> 01:00:52,810
A-a director? Nah.

1325
01:00:52,845 --> 01:00:54,646
I just-- I just love
going to the movies.

1326
01:00:54,682 --> 01:00:56,751
Yeah, man,
that's how it starts.

1327
01:00:58,579 --> 01:01:00,781
Most people come to movies
to escape their lives,

1328
01:01:00,817 --> 01:01:02,921
but people like us,

1329
01:01:02,957 --> 01:01:06,618
we come here because
movies make life make sense.

1330
01:01:07,860 --> 01:01:10,822
Out here, man,
world's full of lies.

1331
01:01:11,692 --> 01:01:15,429
But in there, they tell
the lie that tells the truth.

1332
01:01:15,464 --> 01:01:18,036
And the truth about you and me
is we're filmmakers.

1333
01:01:20,101 --> 01:01:21,899
We just haven't made
our films.

1334
01:01:21,935 --> 01:01:23,405
[exhales]

1335
01:01:23,441 --> 01:01:24,475
Yet.

1336
01:01:24,510 --> 01:01:26,539
[soft music plays]

1337
01:01:33,023 --> 01:01:34,681
[door locks]

1338
01:01:34,716 --> 01:01:35,724
"Yet."

1339
01:01:40,054 --> 01:01:43,061
[bright music playing]

1340
01:01:55,242 --> 01:01:56,376
Whoa.

1341
01:01:56,411 --> 01:02:02,344
[saxophone solo plays]

1342
01:02:03,913 --> 01:02:05,347
That girl's real, right?

1343
01:02:07,485 --> 01:02:08,548
Thanks.

1344
01:02:13,889 --> 01:02:15,954
Hi, Melody Barnegat.

1345
01:02:15,990 --> 01:02:17,865
Hi, Brian David.

1346
01:02:18,992 --> 01:02:20,529
You look...

1347
01:02:20,565 --> 01:02:22,163
resplendent.

1348
01:02:22,198 --> 01:02:25,565
"Resplendent"?
Okay, Doctor Dictionary.

1349
01:02:27,169 --> 01:02:28,876
- Let's go see<i> Bucklick.</i>
- Uh...

1350
01:02:29,841 --> 01:02:32,005
I-I don't think we can get in.

1351
01:02:32,040 --> 01:02:33,276
Because it's rated R?

1352
01:02:34,847 --> 01:02:36,950
Well, more because
I got banned.

1353
01:02:38,081 --> 01:02:40,789
Oh, my God.
Like Danny Banks?

1354
01:02:42,223 --> 01:02:43,349
Kinda.

1355
01:02:43,384 --> 01:02:45,057
So, how are we
gonna see<i> Bucklick?</i>

1356
01:02:50,365 --> 01:02:51,558
I have an idea.

1357
01:02:59,209 --> 01:03:00,270
[door closes]

1358
01:03:02,071 --> 01:03:04,637
Huh. Strathmore Cinema City.

1359
01:03:05,578 --> 01:03:06,947
Give me a second.

1360
01:03:07,776 --> 01:03:08,784
Okay.

1361
01:03:12,817 --> 01:03:15,221
Excuse me, Manager Mike.

1362
01:03:15,256 --> 01:03:17,084
Oh, oh.

1363
01:03:17,119 --> 01:03:19,460
Little kid I just banned. Hi.

1364
01:03:19,495 --> 01:03:21,623
I wanted to ask you about that.

1365
01:03:21,658 --> 01:03:22,961
Mm-hmm?

1366
01:03:22,996 --> 01:03:26,296
I know me and my friends
were obnoxious today.

1367
01:03:27,967 --> 01:03:31,137
But I stand here before you
as a man...

1368
01:03:31,172 --> 01:03:32,737
Wow.

1369
01:03:32,772 --> 01:03:34,067
...to beg you to lift the ban.

1370
01:03:34,102 --> 01:03:35,602
And why would I do that?

1371
01:03:36,609 --> 01:03:38,239
You see that girl?

1372
01:03:38,274 --> 01:03:40,244
- Yeah.
- That's Melody Barnegat.

1373
01:03:42,012 --> 01:03:43,951
The raddest woman I ever met.

1374
01:03:45,448 --> 01:03:48,888
And last summer,
I was too scared to ask her out.

1375
01:03:48,923 --> 01:03:52,254
But this morning,
I invited her to the movies

1376
01:03:52,289 --> 01:03:55,229
at your theater, and...
and she said "yes."

1377
01:03:55,265 --> 01:03:56,326
Congratulations.

1378
01:03:57,833 --> 01:03:59,626
This could be
the greatest night of my life.

1379
01:04:01,362 --> 01:04:03,131
Please lift the ban
this one time

1380
01:04:03,167 --> 01:04:04,796
so we can go to the movies.
I mean,

1381
01:04:04,831 --> 01:04:07,776
it'd mean everything to me,
and-and I'll do anything.

1382
01:04:07,811 --> 01:04:10,142
I'll-I'll even work here
for free or-or something.

1383
01:04:11,544 --> 01:04:13,981
Please, sir.

1384
01:04:15,384 --> 01:04:16,544
What do you say?

1385
01:04:19,620 --> 01:04:21,414
Tsk. What do I say?

1386
01:04:21,449 --> 01:04:24,518
Well, when you put it
like that...

1387
01:04:24,553 --> 01:04:27,286
I say, Munchkins
from the merry old land of Oz

1388
01:04:27,321 --> 01:04:29,122
belong on the movie screen,

1389
01:04:29,157 --> 01:04:31,691
not in my movie theater.

1390
01:04:34,236 --> 01:04:37,571
[laughs]

1391
01:04:37,606 --> 01:04:41,008
Hey. Hey, listen up, loser.

1392
01:04:41,044 --> 01:04:44,140
You know, you got a lot of balls
calling this guy Munchkin

1393
01:04:44,175 --> 01:04:46,040
when you're short
as shit yourself.

1394
01:04:46,075 --> 01:04:48,139
[onlookers gasp, laugh]

1395
01:04:48,175 --> 01:04:50,578
Wow. Tsk. Wow.

1396
01:04:52,148 --> 01:04:54,219
You remind me of my daughter.

1397
01:04:55,590 --> 01:04:58,855
I hate my daughter.

1398
01:04:58,891 --> 01:05:01,553
And you got a lot of nerve

1399
01:05:01,588 --> 01:05:04,161
talking to me like that,
Minnie Mouse.

1400
01:05:04,197 --> 01:05:07,358
I'm in the movie business.
I talk to studios.

1401
01:05:07,394 --> 01:05:10,630
So, you're just a little kid

1402
01:05:10,665 --> 01:05:14,375
who looks like a daughter
that I can't stand.

1403
01:05:14,410 --> 01:05:15,867
So what do you know?

1404
01:05:17,013 --> 01:05:20,840
I know you don't know shit
about the movie business.

1405
01:05:20,875 --> 01:05:22,984
Because if you did,
you wouldn't act
like such a poser

1406
01:05:23,020 --> 01:05:25,613
and drive around
in your stupid-looking
Moviemobile.

1407
01:05:26,249 --> 01:05:28,982
- Okay?
- He's not a Munchkin.

1408
01:05:29,018 --> 01:05:30,885
He's a nice guy.

1409
01:05:30,921 --> 01:05:33,856
Something you don't
understand at all
because you are an asshole.

1410
01:05:33,892 --> 01:05:36,888
[laughter, applause]

1411
01:05:40,728 --> 01:05:42,736
Well, let me tell you
something, little girl.

1412
01:05:42,772 --> 01:05:46,100
Now you're banned,
for life too!

1413
01:05:46,136 --> 01:05:48,768
You and Bilbo Baggins here

1414
01:05:48,803 --> 01:05:51,947
are never getting inside
my movie theater ever again.

1415
01:05:51,982 --> 01:05:55,709
- [patrons jeering]
- Clap to that! Clap to that.

1416
01:05:57,245 --> 01:05:59,647
[outside horn honking]

1417
01:06:01,821 --> 01:06:06,126
[horn honking louder]

1418
01:06:10,332 --> 01:06:11,494
[yells]

1419
01:06:15,339 --> 01:06:16,704
Ahh! Oh, my God!

1420
01:06:16,739 --> 01:06:18,738
- [steam hissing]
- Oh, my...!

1421
01:06:18,773 --> 01:06:22,869
Ahh! [yells] My Moviemobile!

1422
01:06:22,905 --> 01:06:24,243
No!

1423
01:06:25,239 --> 01:06:26,712
[yells louder] No!

1424
01:06:26,747 --> 01:06:27,912
- You okay?
- Yeah.

1425
01:06:27,947 --> 01:06:29,546
- [Mike yelling]
- Get inside.

1426
01:06:29,581 --> 01:06:31,545
But Burny just crashed
his Truckster
into the Moviemobile!

1427
01:06:31,581 --> 01:06:34,388
As a distraction
so you guys can get inside.

1428
01:06:34,424 --> 01:06:36,321
So get inside.

1429
01:06:43,800 --> 01:06:47,200
Oh, this stupid car
hit my truck!

1430
01:06:49,367 --> 01:06:52,799
I only had eight more
payments on it!

1431
01:06:54,608 --> 01:06:55,967
Only eight!

1432
01:06:57,270 --> 01:06:59,311
Oh, my God!

1433
01:07:01,141 --> 01:07:04,578
Hey, Pat Benatar.
This is a rated R movie.
Can't come in here.

1434
01:07:04,613 --> 01:07:06,348
Some guy just crashed
into the Moviemobile.

1435
01:07:06,384 --> 01:07:09,654
No way, really?!
Ha ha! There is a God!

1436
01:07:09,690 --> 01:07:11,153
[both giggling]

1437
01:07:11,188 --> 01:07:14,188
Come here, yeah. [muttering]

1438
01:07:14,223 --> 01:07:16,990
Here! Sorry. Excuse me.

1439
01:07:17,026 --> 01:07:18,033
Excuse me.

1440
01:07:20,633 --> 01:07:22,167
Holy shit.

1441
01:07:22,202 --> 01:07:25,797
That was the most amazing
thing I ever saw.

1442
01:07:25,832 --> 01:07:28,600
You totally tore
that asshole a new asshole.

1443
01:07:28,636 --> 01:07:31,838
He deserves it.
I hate bullies.

1444
01:07:34,146 --> 01:07:36,546
You're amazing.
Melody Barnegat.

1445
01:07:41,754 --> 01:07:42,882
Took all day.

1446
01:07:43,823 --> 01:07:45,016
But here we are.

1447
01:07:49,932 --> 01:07:52,864
We're finally gonna see
our 4:30 movie,

1448
01:07:52,900 --> 01:07:54,632
and nobody's gonna stop us.

1449
01:07:54,668 --> 01:07:55,895
Is that so?

1450
01:07:57,438 --> 01:07:58,807
Mom?

1451
01:07:58,842 --> 01:08:00,240
What the hell
are you doing here?

1452
01:08:01,272 --> 01:08:02,801
We're here to see<i> Astro Blaster.</i>

1453
01:08:02,837 --> 01:08:04,573
You're so full of shit,
your eyes are brown.

1454
01:08:04,608 --> 01:08:07,506
This isn't<i> Astro Blaster.</i>
This is<i> Bucklick,</i>

1455
01:08:07,541 --> 01:08:09,378
and<i> Bucklick</i> is rated R.

1456
01:08:09,414 --> 01:08:12,180
Ooh, what are you
doing here, Melody?

1457
01:08:12,215 --> 01:08:13,415
<i> Bucklick</i> is rated R.

1458
01:08:13,450 --> 01:08:15,013
She said she's gonna
see<i> Astro Blaster,</i>

1459
01:08:15,048 --> 01:08:17,819
but she's sneaking
into R- rated movies
with this guy.

1460
01:08:17,854 --> 01:08:20,890
Oh, so much drama.
We're supposed
to be seeing a comedy.

1461
01:08:20,926 --> 01:08:23,558
- [stammers]
- See, this is why I told you
we should have gone home

1462
01:08:23,593 --> 01:08:25,397
when<i> Poltergeist 2</i>
wasn't playing, but...

1463
01:08:27,470 --> 01:08:28,532
Wait a minute.

1464
01:08:29,567 --> 01:08:32,565
You came to see<i> Poltergeist 2</i>
with Aunt Connie?

1465
01:08:32,600 --> 01:08:34,602
You said you had
to see it with me.

1466
01:08:34,637 --> 01:08:36,372
Okay, don't-don't turn
this around, okay?

1467
01:08:36,408 --> 01:08:37,805
You're the one
in trouble here, missy.

1468
01:08:39,277 --> 01:08:42,275
I will deal you after<i> Bucklick.</i>

1469
01:08:42,310 --> 01:08:44,717
Get the hell out of here
before I call the manager
and have you banned.

1470
01:08:44,752 --> 01:08:47,249
This is so unfair.

1471
01:08:47,284 --> 01:08:49,217
[sighs] Can you believe this?

1472
01:08:49,252 --> 01:08:51,082
I mean, it's kind of cute.

1473
01:08:52,458 --> 01:08:54,689
- Your mom looks pretty pissed.
- She's pissed?

1474
01:08:54,725 --> 01:08:56,561
Well, I'm pissed too.
Who does she think she is,

1475
01:08:56,597 --> 01:08:59,366
yelling at me in front of you
and everybody in the theater?

1476
01:08:59,401 --> 01:09:01,869
She's the one trying to see
<i> Poltergeist 2</i> without me.

1477
01:09:01,905 --> 01:09:03,268
- [inhales]
- What do you wanna do?

1478
01:09:03,304 --> 01:09:06,574
Have sex and get pregnant.
That'll show her.

1479
01:09:06,609 --> 01:09:09,138
- If that's what you need...
- I wouldn't give her
the satisfaction.

1480
01:09:09,173 --> 01:09:10,908
Yeah. Wait, are you sure?

1481
01:09:10,944 --> 01:09:12,912
[exhales] Let's go.

1482
01:09:12,947 --> 01:09:16,111
She treats me like I'm a baby.

1483
01:09:16,146 --> 01:09:17,944
I can't stand it.

1484
01:09:17,980 --> 01:09:20,886
Shouldn't we get you home
so you don't get in trouble?

1485
01:09:20,922 --> 01:09:22,348
No, I'm already in trouble.

1486
01:09:23,285 --> 01:09:26,689
And the minute I get home,
I'm gonna be grounded
for the rest of my life.

1487
01:09:28,090 --> 01:09:29,087
[sighs]

1488
01:09:33,297 --> 01:09:35,126
So I might as well enjoy today.

1489
01:09:37,474 --> 01:09:38,536
Race you!

1490
01:09:39,468 --> 01:09:40,835
- [chuckles]
- What? What?

1491
01:09:47,946 --> 01:09:50,218
[panting]

1492
01:09:51,120 --> 01:09:53,111
[Melody]
Doesn't it feel great to run?

1493
01:09:55,386 --> 01:09:57,849
Says someone
on cross country.

1494
01:09:57,884 --> 01:10:00,654
I think I'm having
a heart attack.

1495
01:10:00,689 --> 01:10:03,198
[laughs] Raise your arms
above your head.

1496
01:10:06,667 --> 01:10:07,664
Yeah.

1497
01:10:13,202 --> 01:10:16,409
You ever think about
what you wanna be
when you grow up, Brian David?

1498
01:10:18,306 --> 01:10:19,346
Sometimes.

1499
01:10:20,673 --> 01:10:22,646
What do you wanna be?

1500
01:10:24,478 --> 01:10:25,913
I wanna be a dean.

1501
01:10:27,483 --> 01:10:29,686
Like a dean at a college?

1502
01:10:31,060 --> 01:10:32,992
You wanna be the guy
that's always giving

1503
01:10:33,027 --> 01:10:34,989
<i> Animal House</i> a hard time?

1504
01:10:35,024 --> 01:10:36,088
No.

1505
01:10:37,363 --> 01:10:39,129
I wanna be the girl
that's always giving

1506
01:10:39,164 --> 01:10:40,697
<i>Animal House</i> a hard time.

1507
01:10:43,535 --> 01:10:46,573
I never knew anybody
who wanted to be a dean.

1508
01:10:46,609 --> 01:10:47,671
That's so...

1509
01:10:49,171 --> 01:10:50,069
weird.

1510
01:10:52,012 --> 01:10:54,047
So what do you wanna do?

1511
01:10:54,082 --> 01:10:55,910
- Well...
- And don't say me.

1512
01:11:01,956 --> 01:11:03,214
I wanna be a writer.

1513
01:11:04,287 --> 01:11:05,384
Well, I think.

1514
01:11:05,420 --> 01:11:07,020
I can see that.

1515
01:11:10,032 --> 01:11:11,656
I love to read
the stuff you wrote

1516
01:11:11,692 --> 01:11:13,194
in my yearbook last summer.

1517
01:11:13,230 --> 01:11:14,497
[Brian chuckles]

1518
01:11:14,532 --> 01:11:16,331
- What?
- You started out making fun

1519
01:11:16,367 --> 01:11:17,866
of what everybody else said.

1520
01:11:18,773 --> 01:11:20,436
You wrote...

1521
01:11:20,472 --> 01:11:22,406
- "Have a great summer."
- [chuckles]

1522
01:11:22,442 --> 01:11:25,940
"See you over the summer.
Summerly yours."

1523
01:11:26,908 --> 01:11:29,684
- And then I signed it "Summer."
- [both laugh]

1524
01:11:29,719 --> 01:11:31,143
I was hysterical.

1525
01:11:34,551 --> 01:11:37,254
But then you filled
a whole page

1526
01:11:37,289 --> 01:11:39,987
telling me how adorable I am.

1527
01:11:42,163 --> 01:11:44,761
And how I'm super nice
and smart.

1528
01:11:48,496 --> 01:11:49,766
My mom read it.

1529
01:11:51,468 --> 01:11:53,066
And she said it was beautiful.

1530
01:11:56,004 --> 01:12:00,106
So, yeah, you're totally
gonna be a writer someday.

1531
01:12:02,276 --> 01:12:03,175
Man.

1532
01:12:05,249 --> 01:12:06,711
I-- How do you--

1533
01:12:06,747 --> 01:12:08,081
You're always so positive.

1534
01:12:09,091 --> 01:12:10,919
Not as much
as I'm not negative.

1535
01:12:12,324 --> 01:12:14,720
Does anything make you sad?

1536
01:12:14,755 --> 01:12:17,090
Like, what about nuclear war?

1537
01:12:18,465 --> 01:12:20,901
If the Russians dropped
the bomb on us today,

1538
01:12:20,936 --> 01:12:22,337
my mom can't ground me.

1539
01:12:24,270 --> 01:12:27,306
See, you do that. You're--

1540
01:12:27,341 --> 01:12:28,805
You're all about
the silver lining.

1541
01:12:30,107 --> 01:12:31,970
Like...

1542
01:12:32,005 --> 01:12:33,843
everything went wrong
for me today.

1543
01:12:34,945 --> 01:12:38,683
But then you came along
and made it all better.

1544
01:12:40,022 --> 01:12:42,288
If everything went right today,

1545
01:12:42,323 --> 01:12:44,315
you and me
would be watching<i> Bucklick.</i>

1546
01:12:46,390 --> 01:12:48,396
But this is way better.

1547
01:12:50,196 --> 01:12:51,828
Or is it almost perfect?

1548
01:12:53,867 --> 01:12:54,798
Yeah?

1549
01:12:56,232 --> 01:12:57,229
Yeah.

1550
01:13:05,142 --> 01:13:06,172
Then...

1551
01:13:09,350 --> 01:13:12,777
Will you go out with me,
Melody Barnegat?

1552
01:13:12,812 --> 01:13:15,313
We are out, Brian David.

1553
01:13:16,256 --> 01:13:17,859
I mean, as boyfriend-girlfriend.

1554
01:13:17,894 --> 01:13:19,691
I know what you meant.

1555
01:13:24,163 --> 01:13:25,433
But I don't know.

1556
01:13:31,435 --> 01:13:32,671
Is it 'cause I'm short?

1557
01:13:33,533 --> 01:13:35,339
Jesus.

1558
01:13:35,374 --> 01:13:37,803
Would you stop with that shit?

1559
01:13:37,838 --> 01:13:40,509
I don't think of you as short.

1560
01:13:40,544 --> 01:13:42,109
Then what do you think of me as?

1561
01:13:44,051 --> 01:13:45,618
I think of you as...

1562
01:13:48,323 --> 01:13:50,755
the most interesting guy
I ever met.

1563
01:13:53,954 --> 01:13:55,793
All this stuff
you talk about.

1564
01:13:57,726 --> 01:13:59,599
The way you see the world.

1565
01:14:00,762 --> 01:14:02,569
What you wrote in my yearbook.

1566
01:14:06,569 --> 01:14:07,904
You always make me think.

1567
01:14:09,877 --> 01:14:11,105
And laugh.

1568
01:14:12,513 --> 01:14:15,210
And you're like
the funniest person I know.

1569
01:14:15,245 --> 01:14:16,242
Yeah?

1570
01:14:19,980 --> 01:14:21,786
The only place
you come up short...

1571
01:14:22,984 --> 01:14:25,317
is in how little you know
about girls.

1572
01:14:26,791 --> 01:14:29,128
Because I was gonna let you
get to second base

1573
01:14:29,163 --> 01:14:30,927
in my pool last summer...

1574
01:14:32,092 --> 01:14:34,128
and then I never heard
from you again.

1575
01:14:35,629 --> 01:14:36,931
Until today.

1576
01:14:36,966 --> 01:14:38,598
Yeah, but I-I've been
thinking about you

1577
01:14:38,633 --> 01:14:39,901
ever since that day.

1578
01:14:39,936 --> 01:14:42,433
You're so full of shit,
your eyes are brown.

1579
01:14:44,276 --> 01:14:48,516
You really expect me to believe
you thought about me
for an entire year?

1580
01:14:49,510 --> 01:14:51,079
Or ever?

1581
01:14:56,018 --> 01:14:57,987
Oh, my God.
Are you, like, pulling it out?

1582
01:15:02,625 --> 01:15:03,960
Is that a tape recorder?

1583
01:15:05,001 --> 01:15:07,095
It's a writing thing.

1584
01:15:08,030 --> 01:15:10,404
I read that real writers
use a tape recorder

1585
01:15:10,439 --> 01:15:12,705
to help them organize
important thoughts.

1586
01:15:14,440 --> 01:15:15,972
Important thoughts like this.

1587
01:15:17,313 --> 01:15:19,237
- [clicks]
-<i> Beatbox Bri, take one!</i>

1588
01:15:19,272 --> 01:15:21,106
- Um... Shit, uh...
- [beatboxing on tape]

1589
01:15:21,141 --> 01:15:23,114
- Hold on, um.
- [tape fast-forwards]

1590
01:15:23,150 --> 01:15:24,178
I meant this.

1591
01:15:26,721 --> 01:15:29,248
[Brian on tape]<i> I finally</i>
<i> called Melody Barnegat</i>

1592
01:15:29,283 --> 01:15:32,021
<i> and invited her out</i>
<i> to the movies. Why...</i>

1593
01:15:33,193 --> 01:15:34,562
<i> you ask?</i> [sighs]

1594
01:15:35,227 --> 01:15:36,289
<i> One word.</i>

1595
01:15:37,657 --> 01:15:38,665
<i> Love.</i>

1596
01:15:40,731 --> 01:15:42,836
<i> I got a 24-karat case of love.</i>

1597
01:15:42,871 --> 01:15:43,802
[clicks]

1598
01:15:50,171 --> 01:15:52,646
You're, like,
the coolest girl I ever met.

1599
01:15:55,683 --> 01:15:59,477
And all I wanna do
is watch movies with you.

1600
01:16:03,986 --> 01:16:06,517
I wanna watch movies
with you too.

1601
01:16:10,724 --> 01:16:13,359
[both laugh]

1602
01:16:19,438 --> 01:16:22,434
[pop music playing]

1603
01:16:36,120 --> 01:16:39,550
So does this... mean
we're boyfriend-girlfriend now?

1604
01:16:42,392 --> 01:16:44,732
I hope so.

1605
01:16:44,767 --> 01:16:47,731
[Brian] Because if I was ever
gonna make a movie about today,

1606
01:16:47,767 --> 01:16:49,604
that's how I'd want
the movie to end.

1607
01:16:50,739 --> 01:16:54,037
[Melody] Yeah? You think today
could ever be a movie?

1608
01:16:55,236 --> 01:16:56,768
[Brian] As long
as there are end credits,

1609
01:16:56,803 --> 01:16:58,377
and a song,

1610
01:16:58,412 --> 01:17:00,043
today could totally be a movie.

1611
01:17:03,213 --> 01:17:06,819
["24 Karat Case of Love"
by Brendan McCreary playing]

1612
01:17:10,284 --> 01:17:12,286
[Brian and Melody
chattering, laughing]

1613
01:17:46,952 --> 01:17:48,256
[song ends]

1614
01:17:49,261 --> 01:17:50,489
Yes or no?

1615
01:17:51,497 --> 01:17:53,633
- I say yes.
- Why?

1616
01:17:53,668 --> 01:17:55,830
Because I can tell
you really wanna do it.

1617
01:17:55,865 --> 01:17:57,237
But what if I'm not good at it?

1618
01:17:57,272 --> 01:17:58,732
Then I can teach you.

1619
01:17:58,767 --> 01:18:00,103
I have experience.

1620
01:18:01,001 --> 01:18:03,411
And I'm like... a virgin.

1621
01:18:03,446 --> 01:18:04,771
- [boys laughing]
- [Burny] Yeah!

1622
01:18:04,806 --> 01:18:06,178
You got that right.

1623
01:18:06,213 --> 01:18:07,577
Are we live?

1624
01:18:07,612 --> 01:18:09,745
[Burny and Belly] Yeah!

1625
01:18:09,780 --> 01:18:11,947
- Miss Melody.
- Sir Burny.

1626
01:18:11,982 --> 01:18:15,114
- So, did he go in yet?
- [Burny] Hmm?

1627
01:18:15,150 --> 01:18:18,082
- He's hesitating.
- [boys sigh]

1628
01:18:18,117 --> 01:18:19,859
You got this. You just--

1629
01:18:19,894 --> 01:18:22,961
- You get in there
and you do it.
- We'll watch.

1630
01:18:22,997 --> 01:18:25,664
Well, I definitely can't do it
with everybody watching me.

1631
01:18:25,699 --> 01:18:28,968
Yes, you can.
You're full of BDE.

1632
01:18:29,003 --> 01:18:29,902
Hmm?

1633
01:18:31,636 --> 01:18:33,270
Brian David Energy.

1634
01:18:33,306 --> 01:18:34,537
[laughter]

1635
01:18:34,573 --> 01:18:36,767
[Burny] That's cute.

1636
01:18:36,802 --> 01:18:39,309
Come on, Bri, bubby.
The sooner you get this
over with,

1637
01:18:39,345 --> 01:18:41,515
the sooner we get
to go to the diner
where I have a pork roll,

1638
01:18:41,551 --> 01:18:43,341
egg and cheese
with my name on it. Mm?

1639
01:18:43,377 --> 01:18:45,547
They can write "asshole"
on a kaiser roll?

1640
01:18:45,583 --> 01:18:47,114
[Burny chuckles]

1641
01:18:47,150 --> 01:18:49,480
See, you're funny,
but you're lucky, right?

1642
01:18:49,516 --> 01:18:51,688
You're lucky that I have
as much respect as I do

1643
01:18:51,723 --> 01:18:53,619
for the lovely Miss Melody here.

1644
01:18:53,654 --> 01:18:56,662
Otherwise, I-I just might have
to put the Grip of Death on you.

1645
01:18:56,697 --> 01:18:58,322
- Oh, yeah! Are we wrestling?
- No!

1646
01:18:58,358 --> 01:18:59,966
- No. No, we're not.
- We're not.

1647
01:19:00,001 --> 01:19:01,368
- No, we're not. We're not.
- Nobody's wrestling, all right?

1648
01:19:01,404 --> 01:19:03,430
Take it to DEFCON 5,<i> WarGames.</i>

1649
01:19:05,340 --> 01:19:06,840
You ready to do this?

1650
01:19:09,111 --> 01:19:10,540
I'm nervous.

1651
01:19:10,576 --> 01:19:11,842
[Burny] Jesus, Bri,

1652
01:19:11,878 --> 01:19:14,372
we're not talking
about circumcision here.

1653
01:19:14,408 --> 01:19:16,915
You're just applying
for a shitty job.

1654
01:19:16,951 --> 01:19:19,078
You go in there, you fill out
the bullshit form,

1655
01:19:19,113 --> 01:19:21,580
you come out, we go eat. Right?

1656
01:19:24,887 --> 01:19:26,692
What do you think, babe?

1657
01:19:26,727 --> 01:19:28,719
Yeah, come on, babe.
What do you think?

1658
01:19:28,754 --> 01:19:31,689
- Yeah. babe.
- Mmm. Yeah, babe.
What's up, babe?

1659
01:19:32,529 --> 01:19:33,801
Uh...

1660
01:19:39,306 --> 01:19:40,497
It can wait.

1661
01:19:40,532 --> 01:19:44,075
["24 Karat Case of Love"
resumes playing]

1662
01:22:43,150 --> 01:22:46,785
[saxophone solo]

1663
01:24:23,823 --> 01:24:30,229
[singer vocalizing]

1664
01:24:33,897 --> 01:24:35,531
[song fades]

1665
01:24:37,870 --> 01:24:40,866
[soft music playing]

1666
01:25:13,938 --> 01:25:15,142
[music fades]

1667
01:25:18,438 --> 01:25:20,912
[military music playing]

1668
01:25:20,947 --> 01:25:23,947
Welcome to Atlantic Cinemas

1669
01:25:23,983 --> 01:25:25,949
where the movies come to--

1670
01:25:25,984 --> 01:25:27,754
[laughing] I'm sorry!

1671
01:25:27,789 --> 01:25:29,455
- Want some?
- I'm okay.

1672
01:25:29,490 --> 01:25:30,447
[laughs]

1673
01:25:30,483 --> 01:25:31,758
[lighter lid closes]

1674
01:25:31,793 --> 01:25:33,259
[crew] Resetting. We're rolling.

1675
01:25:35,463 --> 01:25:38,088
- [grunts]
- [imitating Brian]
"Pork chops and applesauce."

1676
01:25:39,060 --> 01:25:40,057
God.

1677
01:25:41,431 --> 01:25:45,062
- [laughter]
- [crew indistinct]

1678
01:25:46,170 --> 01:25:48,542
- [laughs] Ow.
- Oh, sorry.

1679
01:25:48,577 --> 01:25:49,740
- No!
- Ah!

1680
01:25:49,775 --> 01:25:50,806
[both yell]

1681
01:25:50,841 --> 01:25:52,245
[laughs]

1682
01:25:53,847 --> 01:25:55,105
Please suck it still.

1683
01:25:55,851 --> 01:25:58,809
You're pulling your pud
in public?

1684
01:25:58,845 --> 01:26:01,082
- Can I try that one more time?
- [laughs]

1685
01:26:01,117 --> 01:26:04,054
It's Major Murder!

1686
01:26:04,090 --> 01:26:05,724
- [engine sputters]
- Whoa!

1687
01:26:05,759 --> 01:26:07,790
Is this thing on?!

1688
01:26:07,825 --> 01:26:11,121
'Cause I got something to say
to all the sissy civilians
out there.

1689
01:26:13,167 --> 01:26:15,125
[blows air with a squeak]
Sorry. So sorry.

1690
01:26:15,160 --> 01:26:17,561
- [laughter]
- And-and what would
that be, Major?

1691
01:26:17,596 --> 01:26:18,802
[Major Murder] I forgot!

1692
01:26:18,837 --> 01:26:20,337
Yes, Virginia,

1693
01:26:20,372 --> 01:26:23,170
you'd be better off
believing in Santa Claus

1694
01:26:23,206 --> 01:26:24,501
than that slam tam...

1695
01:26:24,536 --> 01:26:26,141
[speaks gibberish]

1696
01:26:26,177 --> 01:26:30,016
Because Shamwell is a sham!

1697
01:26:30,051 --> 01:26:31,809
- [huffs air]
- [snort of laughter]

1698
01:26:31,845 --> 01:26:33,578
A man of few words
but powerful words.

1699
01:26:33,613 --> 01:26:34,786
[Major Murder] That's enough.

1700
01:26:34,821 --> 01:26:36,883
Have fun. Don't run.

1701
01:26:38,153 --> 01:26:39,358
She's my ex.

1702
01:26:41,126 --> 01:26:43,588
Two hundred "Our Father's"!

1703
01:26:43,623 --> 01:26:46,093
A Morton's jelly donut. [scoffs]

1704
01:26:46,128 --> 01:26:48,198
Jesus Christ!

1705
01:26:48,234 --> 01:26:50,260
You like this?
This is real too.

1706
01:26:50,295 --> 01:26:53,596
I got this from the President
of the United States of--

1707
01:26:53,632 --> 01:26:54,938
Look at these nuts.

1708
01:26:54,973 --> 01:26:56,810
Damn it, man! Why?

1709
01:26:56,845 --> 01:26:58,170
[Astro Blaster] Back on Earth...

1710
01:26:58,206 --> 01:27:00,309
[laughter]

1711
01:27:00,345 --> 01:27:02,774
One more time.
Damn it, man! Why?

1712
01:27:02,809 --> 01:27:05,610
- Did you... get it in yet?
- Hmm?

1713
01:27:05,646 --> 01:27:07,052
[Melody] Mm-mm.
He's hesitating.

1714
01:27:07,087 --> 01:27:08,515
- [groans]
- [man] Wait, what?!

1715
01:27:08,551 --> 01:27:10,386
- [laughter]
- He cut straight to it,

1716
01:27:10,422 --> 01:27:11,423
- didn't he?
- [Brian] Didn't you get--

1717
01:27:13,391 --> 01:27:15,359
You Three Stooges
are banned for life!

1718
01:27:15,394 --> 01:27:18,491
- [Burny] Eat shit!
- [laughing] Not today.

1719
01:27:18,526 --> 01:27:19,898
Who are you, Father Ka-rass?

1720
01:27:19,934 --> 01:27:21,227
Ah! Not Father "Ka-rass."

1721
01:27:21,263 --> 01:27:22,396
Karras. Blah.

1722
01:27:22,431 --> 01:27:24,404
I'm the leader of the beavers.

1723
01:27:24,440 --> 01:27:25,731
Nice.

1724
01:27:25,766 --> 01:27:28,374
- Yes, it is.
- That's actually--

1725
01:27:28,410 --> 01:27:30,902
I kind of consider myself
the same thing, doing what I do.

1726
01:27:30,937 --> 01:27:33,210
- Is that right? Well...
- Yeah. It's pretty--

1727
01:27:33,245 --> 01:27:35,305
You got a lot
of ladies here, huh?

1728
01:27:35,341 --> 01:27:36,442
No.

1729
01:27:37,412 --> 01:27:40,644
[Kevin Smith] Jesus Christ,
fewer things in life
could be more perfect than that.

1730
01:27:40,679 --> 01:27:42,184
Give it up for the boys!

1731
01:27:42,219 --> 01:27:45,952
[cheers and applause]